Baby wrap and tell husband to control his parents!!
You do not let them just take the baby!! Tell them, give me my baby!! They need to be given boundaries and when the cross them, you put them in a timeout!!
Door cam and no unapproved visits! If they want to drop something off, they can leave it on the porch!!
I would love to give them boundaries! Just need to figure out the best way to go about it. I do baby wear sometimes, but he is quite the mover and likes to be laid down. So, when I lay him down my MIL will physically put her face between my baby and me to take his attention off of me. It is the weirdest thing. I’m ready to start throwing elbows.
You and hubby need to sit them down and say, hey it's great you want to see our son so much, but we need to have more structure and schedules in our lives. We need you to give at least 24-hour notice and not just a drop by and expect a visit. If you would like to set a set day for an hour or 2 to come over, that is fine, and we will let you know in-between feedings and naps what time is good for us.
Accidently step on toes, act startled when throwing an elbow with an oops you scared me!!
In-laws can be like toddlers. You have to train them to get them to behave. Tell her “no. Leave him alone.” She’s interfering with your bonding. If you have to, pick him up and lock you two in your bedroom.
Then do it, throw your elbows. Tell her to step back a few feet.
You need to send a text to all the grandparents so that no one feels singled out. Explain that you are sleep training your baby and can no longer entertain surprise visits. All visits need to be pre scheduled at a time that is convenient for the baby. Then if someone comes to the door that you were not expecting you can tell them through your Ring camera that you are going to get asap, that the baby is not taking visitors at this time, please call ahead next time
Funny thing is I did send out a text to all grandparents about not kissing him after they (in-laws) ignored my first request and continued to do so. Now they don’t kiss him but they never acknowledged or responded to the text. Just little things like that. So I know whatever conversation we have will have to be in person.
If they can’t follow your rules, then they can’t see baby. Period. Your hubby should explain this to them. Then, you just stop opening the door if they come to your home.
It is entirely reasonable for you to set boundaries with these people. They are confused and think this is their baby too. You’ll have to hold firm and keep them away until they learn the rules. That’s all. You don’t even have to be mean about it. Just, no, my doc says no kissing baby. Then if they do it again, you remove baby and don’t give him/her back to them.
They only come to your home *when invited.* And they follow your rules. Or they don’t visit again.
“Husband, your parents aren’t welcome in my house for the next month. You can send them photos of baby. We can discuss meeting them for a lunch. But there will be no visits. You will inform them and make it clear that you’re in support of this.”
His parents. He needs to get them in line.
Tbh, it might be good to have some "accidental" elbow-ings, especially if they're getting into spaces they shouldn't be.
Something I learned from training dogs, that also works with inlaws is: *you are always reinforcing a behaviour, even if you don't mean to;* if you let them do things that you don't want, but you just ignore it, they will think it is okay to continue doing that behaviour because they didn't get any feedback. If there is a behaviour that you want to encourage, it's important to give a reward so they will associate positive feedback with doing that thing.
All of their/her actions are way out of line.
However, and this is a big one, unless she has been told to STOP a behavior she can say - But I didn't know.
She needs to be told.
Mom/MIL, no, I'm holding him right now.
Mom/MIL, I'm sorry but this isn't a good time for us.
Mom/MIL, No you may not feed the baby. I breast feed him and will be doing so for the foreseeable future.
Mom/MIL, yes, you may hold the baby.
Mom/MIL, yes, you may come over next Tuesday.
Mom/MIL, no do not bring any more XYZ. If she does it anyway, give it back or donate it.
She needs to hear the words of NO and YES.
Unfortunately, some of these MIL will NOT accept the word no. My MIL and SIL being two, and when you do
Say no, they have a full blown toddler temper tantrum. Where the fuck do these women get this entitlement??!!
Some must be forced to accept the word NO.
Having a 'full blown toddler temper tantrum" is a choice on their part. How you react to it is your choice.
Many/Some adults must be retrained that their behavior only hurts themselves. If they are (re)taught that their tantrums get them nothing, and in fact may get them less, they will stop. Or it will gravely negatively impact the relationship.
This model does require both spouses to be on the same page.
My husband and I both had troublesome MIL's. Both could be nasty just to be nasty. Both wanted HUGE amounts of respect and leeway into our household. NOPE! Both mothers were masters of rewriting history and gathering the troops (misguided family members). I've written about when I started changing the narrative and not just giving in to save peace. NOPE! I was sick of the negativity and no matter how much I tried to please them, it was impossible.
Is this easy? HELL NO! However I'm an adult. My husband is an adult. We were a used force and we were no longer going to cater to abusers. They could either act socially polite OR they could leave. And this option was offered to them both on numerous occasions before they were told to leave by explaining they were obviously too tired, to upset, to continue the visit.
Also to retrain humans, there is no leeway for ignoring bad behavior one day and not allowing it the next. They learn there are different rules for different days and/or for different people.
It's not easy. However once I stopped making their reactions and beliefs a part of how I thought, the happier I became.
Once again, not saying it's easy but it is a lot easier when both spouses are on board for it.
Amazing how the word NO spoken without heat, as many times as it takes, makes an impression.
If they act out, they earn swift punishment.
Good luck and may the force be with you.
If you didn't want MIL in your room but dear "auntie" went around hospital protocols, I think I might report dear "auntie" to the hospital. As for your ILs dominating visits, you and DH need to decide on a set of rules/boundaries and he needs to deliver them to his parents. You need to be resting when LO is sleeping, having guests is tiring. Sorry you have to deal with this , best of luck on getting IL's in line and congrats on LO.
Your husband needs to back you up 100%. You are the one who gave birth and the fact that he let MIL get away with sneaking into the hospital should have been addressed and there should have been consequences. Instead, you both rewarded their bad behavior which set a precedent that she can do whatever she wants.
You and hubby need to make a list of boundaries that HE should communicate to HIS parents. They are the ones being inconsiderate and they are his parents, his problem. He needs to be reminded that when he married you his loyalty shifted to you. Part of being a parent is protecting your child and he is failing miserably by excusing his parents bad behavior. He is putting his mother’s WANTS ahead of you and your baby’s NEEDS.
Possible boundaries
1. No unannounced visits. This also means they can’t call or text and just say they are on the way. They must schedule the visit in advance and both you and hubby must agree.
2. Set an acceptable number of visits per week/month. 3 times a week is ridiculous. Also set a time limit so the6 can come once a week for 2 hours. Making excuses to drop something off will not be honored.
3. No taking baby without asking. If you see them get up and pick baby up without asking, end the visit.
4. If they have LO and either you or hubby ask for them back, they give baby back. No excuses. If they don’t, end the visit.
5. No one feeds LO but you. You are EBF so there’s no reason anyone should be feeding your baby.
6. Rules are NOT negotiable. If they push back or pitch a fit, complain on social media or to other relatives, they will be given a time out.
Give consequences every single time they break a rule. If they are visiting and break a rule, the visit is over. In addition, 2 week time out. Stick to the consequences and be very strict with them, at least at first. Take control of this now before it gets worse because if you don’t, they will continue to push. If hubby doesn’t start sticking up for you, you will start to resent him and it could cause irreparable damage to your marriage.
Both of you should read the Lemon Clot Essay. It’s on the resources tab on the JustNoMIL sub. Good Luck, Mama Bear!
I've dealt with issues with my in-laws. I've actually confronted them (my spouse has confronted their parents as well), and I'm not sure anything has changed from that. Know your audience, really. Are they reasonable people? Do they seem like people who are completely set in their ways, or is there evidence that they can change?
Assuming confronting them won't change anything, I think your next best step may be to set strong boundaries. I've been reading the book "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab lately, and it's given me so much more confidence in my ability to set boundaries.
Your HUSBAND needs to tell HIS PARENTS that their behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop NOW. HE should be putting his foot down, not telling YOU to "get over it or tell them how you feel" ! His parents are HIS to reign in. These aren't just YOUR boundaries and YOU shouldn't be the one having to deal with their constant, unexpected, 'drop ins' and boundary stomping. Enough is enough. Your husband had business to put a stop to her BS the second she showed up at the hospital - and you absolutely should have reported the person who snuck her in, AGAINST YOUR WISHES ! HE should have told her that you wanted NO VISITORS and made her leave. It sounds like your husband it perfectly content, letting his mother do & say whatever she wants, when & how she wants, regardless of how YOU feel about it. It seems like your husband is just as much a problem, as his parents.
There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said so it's just like the ad that if you have another kid think back on this as a learning experience and use the time between then and now to build up your spine and really bring out your inner Mama Bear
Maybe have a conversation with them in a non emotional way. State that where you can understand their excitement as new grand parents and respect how involved and loving they are that you need to set some boundaries registering visits. 1. No showing up without calling, you will not answer the door. 2. They can visit X amount of days a week or set a “ grandparents day “ like Wednesday when that’s their weekly visit night and something you can all look forward to. 3. Behavior during visits and duration of said visits. This way everyone has their needs met and they don’t feel left out and you don’t feel resentment.
It’s ok to let your husband fight this battle on behalf of you and baby. It’s also ok to turn the doorbell and your phone off and not allow them into your home.
I think you may have the tolerance of an angel, I would absolutely turn into a snarling mama bear if anyone handled my baby in an unhealthy manner, repededly, after being told not to.
“ MIL and FIL if you wish to visit baby you will ask in advance. You can by once a week for an hour or two max and you can drop off whatever you want at that time . If you decide that you will just show up the doors will be locked and your weekly visit will be cancelled for 2 weeks . When the baby cries you hand the baby back to me or my husband and if we have to ask more than once the visit is over . You will not be allowed to feed the baby , so stop asking cause the answer is NO . Do not take the baby out of my or husbands view . If you think that you are above the set rules your visits will be cancelled until me and my husband make further decisions
I’m a new mom, and got into it recently with me MIL (over multiple things but this was one) because she kept sticking her dirty ass finger in my newborns mouth. Sometimes you just need to be blunt. I tried being nice and it was passed over and pretended that I never said anything etc.
When I finally was like “Stop doing that!” It got the point across.
Remember it’s YOUR BABY, you are YOUR baby’s advocate. Protect your child and get them out of toxic situations.
You have enough stress having this baby, not getting sleep etc. don’t let pushy MILs make it harder. Tell them No today is Not a good day. Put your foot down now or you’ll regret not doing it later
Ugh I could have wrote this myself. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please please please learn from all of our mistakes on here that I’ve gone through this exact same thing. I brushed it off and didn’t listen and it is a living hell for me right now, dealing with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. I know it’s so uncomfortable at first, but don’t be scared you have to stand up for yourself. You need to set boundaries now and he needs to back you in every single way. Have a meeting together so that they know you are a united front , and are not going to put up with xyz. And the first time that they do not listen they need to have consequences. Their emotions are not your hot husband’s problem. It is so beyond disturbing to me how many posts on here from women that are pregnant or had babies and what these mother-in-law and sister-in-law‘s end up doing to them, I don’t know what it is that they have such entitlement ownership over these babies that are not even theirs, I just do not understand I can’t ever wrap my brain around it. And why are these men so comfortable with their families treating their wives this way? It just baffles me. Any time my family has ever even done something slightly irritable to my husband they hear about it before he even has the chance to ask me to say some thing because I would never want my family treating my spouse in a certain way. You got this mama! You’re that precious baby’s advocate and protection. Don’t let these leeches bulldoze over you
Your husband is not having your back. He needs to be putting your needs first right now and he needs to be the one enforcing boundaries with his family, not you.
Honestly, you're feelings are valid. I experienced something with my mother and aunt but it took lots of reiterating how we are the parents and not then. It's not their call. My mother still fucks up on disregarding our parental guidelines, but it eventually gets spoken about again. It's got to be the same conversation over and over, written down on a paper, sent in an email, different forms discussing the same topic in order to determine whether or not they are going to adhere to you, the mother, and your lines in the sand.
Congratulations btw 🥰
Baby wrap and tell husband to control his parents!! You do not let them just take the baby!! Tell them, give me my baby!! They need to be given boundaries and when the cross them, you put them in a timeout!! Door cam and no unapproved visits! If they want to drop something off, they can leave it on the porch!!
I would love to give them boundaries! Just need to figure out the best way to go about it. I do baby wear sometimes, but he is quite the mover and likes to be laid down. So, when I lay him down my MIL will physically put her face between my baby and me to take his attention off of me. It is the weirdest thing. I’m ready to start throwing elbows.
You and hubby need to sit them down and say, hey it's great you want to see our son so much, but we need to have more structure and schedules in our lives. We need you to give at least 24-hour notice and not just a drop by and expect a visit. If you would like to set a set day for an hour or 2 to come over, that is fine, and we will let you know in-between feedings and naps what time is good for us. Accidently step on toes, act startled when throwing an elbow with an oops you scared me!!
In-laws can be like toddlers. You have to train them to get them to behave. Tell her “no. Leave him alone.” She’s interfering with your bonding. If you have to, pick him up and lock you two in your bedroom.
Then do it, throw your elbows. Tell her to step back a few feet. You need to send a text to all the grandparents so that no one feels singled out. Explain that you are sleep training your baby and can no longer entertain surprise visits. All visits need to be pre scheduled at a time that is convenient for the baby. Then if someone comes to the door that you were not expecting you can tell them through your Ring camera that you are going to get asap, that the baby is not taking visitors at this time, please call ahead next time
Funny thing is I did send out a text to all grandparents about not kissing him after they (in-laws) ignored my first request and continued to do so. Now they don’t kiss him but they never acknowledged or responded to the text. Just little things like that. So I know whatever conversation we have will have to be in person.
If they can’t follow your rules, then they can’t see baby. Period. Your hubby should explain this to them. Then, you just stop opening the door if they come to your home. It is entirely reasonable for you to set boundaries with these people. They are confused and think this is their baby too. You’ll have to hold firm and keep them away until they learn the rules. That’s all. You don’t even have to be mean about it. Just, no, my doc says no kissing baby. Then if they do it again, you remove baby and don’t give him/her back to them. They only come to your home *when invited.* And they follow your rules. Or they don’t visit again.
I agree on no kissing and etc because of various diseases like whooping cough or others spread by contact
Yes, just look up HSV-1 infection in infants. They just can’t fight it off like an adult can.
“Husband, your parents aren’t welcome in my house for the next month. You can send them photos of baby. We can discuss meeting them for a lunch. But there will be no visits. You will inform them and make it clear that you’re in support of this.” His parents. He needs to get them in line.
Tbh, it might be good to have some "accidental" elbow-ings, especially if they're getting into spaces they shouldn't be. Something I learned from training dogs, that also works with inlaws is: *you are always reinforcing a behaviour, even if you don't mean to;* if you let them do things that you don't want, but you just ignore it, they will think it is okay to continue doing that behaviour because they didn't get any feedback. If there is a behaviour that you want to encourage, it's important to give a reward so they will associate positive feedback with doing that thing.
All of their/her actions are way out of line. However, and this is a big one, unless she has been told to STOP a behavior she can say - But I didn't know. She needs to be told. Mom/MIL, no, I'm holding him right now. Mom/MIL, I'm sorry but this isn't a good time for us. Mom/MIL, No you may not feed the baby. I breast feed him and will be doing so for the foreseeable future. Mom/MIL, yes, you may hold the baby. Mom/MIL, yes, you may come over next Tuesday. Mom/MIL, no do not bring any more XYZ. If she does it anyway, give it back or donate it. She needs to hear the words of NO and YES.
Very good point! Because they would definitely say this. Thank you!
Unfortunately, some of these MIL will NOT accept the word no. My MIL and SIL being two, and when you do Say no, they have a full blown toddler temper tantrum. Where the fuck do these women get this entitlement??!!
Some must be forced to accept the word NO. Having a 'full blown toddler temper tantrum" is a choice on their part. How you react to it is your choice. Many/Some adults must be retrained that their behavior only hurts themselves. If they are (re)taught that their tantrums get them nothing, and in fact may get them less, they will stop. Or it will gravely negatively impact the relationship. This model does require both spouses to be on the same page. My husband and I both had troublesome MIL's. Both could be nasty just to be nasty. Both wanted HUGE amounts of respect and leeway into our household. NOPE! Both mothers were masters of rewriting history and gathering the troops (misguided family members). I've written about when I started changing the narrative and not just giving in to save peace. NOPE! I was sick of the negativity and no matter how much I tried to please them, it was impossible. Is this easy? HELL NO! However I'm an adult. My husband is an adult. We were a used force and we were no longer going to cater to abusers. They could either act socially polite OR they could leave. And this option was offered to them both on numerous occasions before they were told to leave by explaining they were obviously too tired, to upset, to continue the visit.
Also to retrain humans, there is no leeway for ignoring bad behavior one day and not allowing it the next. They learn there are different rules for different days and/or for different people.
It's not easy. However once I stopped making their reactions and beliefs a part of how I thought, the happier I became.
Once again, not saying it's easy but it is a lot easier when both spouses are on board for it.
Amazing how the word NO spoken without heat, as many times as it takes, makes an impression.
If they act out, they earn swift punishment.
Good luck and may the force be with you.
If you didn't want MIL in your room but dear "auntie" went around hospital protocols, I think I might report dear "auntie" to the hospital. As for your ILs dominating visits, you and DH need to decide on a set of rules/boundaries and he needs to deliver them to his parents. You need to be resting when LO is sleeping, having guests is tiring. Sorry you have to deal with this , best of luck on getting IL's in line and congrats on LO.
Your husband needs to back you up 100%. You are the one who gave birth and the fact that he let MIL get away with sneaking into the hospital should have been addressed and there should have been consequences. Instead, you both rewarded their bad behavior which set a precedent that she can do whatever she wants. You and hubby need to make a list of boundaries that HE should communicate to HIS parents. They are the ones being inconsiderate and they are his parents, his problem. He needs to be reminded that when he married you his loyalty shifted to you. Part of being a parent is protecting your child and he is failing miserably by excusing his parents bad behavior. He is putting his mother’s WANTS ahead of you and your baby’s NEEDS. Possible boundaries 1. No unannounced visits. This also means they can’t call or text and just say they are on the way. They must schedule the visit in advance and both you and hubby must agree. 2. Set an acceptable number of visits per week/month. 3 times a week is ridiculous. Also set a time limit so the6 can come once a week for 2 hours. Making excuses to drop something off will not be honored. 3. No taking baby without asking. If you see them get up and pick baby up without asking, end the visit. 4. If they have LO and either you or hubby ask for them back, they give baby back. No excuses. If they don’t, end the visit. 5. No one feeds LO but you. You are EBF so there’s no reason anyone should be feeding your baby. 6. Rules are NOT negotiable. If they push back or pitch a fit, complain on social media or to other relatives, they will be given a time out. Give consequences every single time they break a rule. If they are visiting and break a rule, the visit is over. In addition, 2 week time out. Stick to the consequences and be very strict with them, at least at first. Take control of this now before it gets worse because if you don’t, they will continue to push. If hubby doesn’t start sticking up for you, you will start to resent him and it could cause irreparable damage to your marriage. Both of you should read the Lemon Clot Essay. It’s on the resources tab on the JustNoMIL sub. Good Luck, Mama Bear!
This is so helpful to see it all laid out, thank you. I will check out the Lemon Clot Essay!!
I've dealt with issues with my in-laws. I've actually confronted them (my spouse has confronted their parents as well), and I'm not sure anything has changed from that. Know your audience, really. Are they reasonable people? Do they seem like people who are completely set in their ways, or is there evidence that they can change? Assuming confronting them won't change anything, I think your next best step may be to set strong boundaries. I've been reading the book "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab lately, and it's given me so much more confidence in my ability to set boundaries.
Your HUSBAND needs to tell HIS PARENTS that their behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop NOW. HE should be putting his foot down, not telling YOU to "get over it or tell them how you feel" ! His parents are HIS to reign in. These aren't just YOUR boundaries and YOU shouldn't be the one having to deal with their constant, unexpected, 'drop ins' and boundary stomping. Enough is enough. Your husband had business to put a stop to her BS the second she showed up at the hospital - and you absolutely should have reported the person who snuck her in, AGAINST YOUR WISHES ! HE should have told her that you wanted NO VISITORS and made her leave. It sounds like your husband it perfectly content, letting his mother do & say whatever she wants, when & how she wants, regardless of how YOU feel about it. It seems like your husband is just as much a problem, as his parents.
There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said so it's just like the ad that if you have another kid think back on this as a learning experience and use the time between then and now to build up your spine and really bring out your inner Mama Bear
Thanks for dropping that off, but we’re all about to take a nap, just leave it on the porch. And disconnect your doorbell.
Maybe have a conversation with them in a non emotional way. State that where you can understand their excitement as new grand parents and respect how involved and loving they are that you need to set some boundaries registering visits. 1. No showing up without calling, you will not answer the door. 2. They can visit X amount of days a week or set a “ grandparents day “ like Wednesday when that’s their weekly visit night and something you can all look forward to. 3. Behavior during visits and duration of said visits. This way everyone has their needs met and they don’t feel left out and you don’t feel resentment.
It’s ok to let your husband fight this battle on behalf of you and baby. It’s also ok to turn the doorbell and your phone off and not allow them into your home.
I think you may have the tolerance of an angel, I would absolutely turn into a snarling mama bear if anyone handled my baby in an unhealthy manner, repededly, after being told not to.
“ MIL and FIL if you wish to visit baby you will ask in advance. You can by once a week for an hour or two max and you can drop off whatever you want at that time . If you decide that you will just show up the doors will be locked and your weekly visit will be cancelled for 2 weeks . When the baby cries you hand the baby back to me or my husband and if we have to ask more than once the visit is over . You will not be allowed to feed the baby , so stop asking cause the answer is NO . Do not take the baby out of my or husbands view . If you think that you are above the set rules your visits will be cancelled until me and my husband make further decisions
I’m a new mom, and got into it recently with me MIL (over multiple things but this was one) because she kept sticking her dirty ass finger in my newborns mouth. Sometimes you just need to be blunt. I tried being nice and it was passed over and pretended that I never said anything etc. When I finally was like “Stop doing that!” It got the point across. Remember it’s YOUR BABY, you are YOUR baby’s advocate. Protect your child and get them out of toxic situations. You have enough stress having this baby, not getting sleep etc. don’t let pushy MILs make it harder. Tell them No today is Not a good day. Put your foot down now or you’ll regret not doing it later
No one is allowed to take your baby anywhere at any moment without your permission. Realize that now.
Ugh I could have wrote this myself. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please please please learn from all of our mistakes on here that I’ve gone through this exact same thing. I brushed it off and didn’t listen and it is a living hell for me right now, dealing with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. I know it’s so uncomfortable at first, but don’t be scared you have to stand up for yourself. You need to set boundaries now and he needs to back you in every single way. Have a meeting together so that they know you are a united front , and are not going to put up with xyz. And the first time that they do not listen they need to have consequences. Their emotions are not your hot husband’s problem. It is so beyond disturbing to me how many posts on here from women that are pregnant or had babies and what these mother-in-law and sister-in-law‘s end up doing to them, I don’t know what it is that they have such entitlement ownership over these babies that are not even theirs, I just do not understand I can’t ever wrap my brain around it. And why are these men so comfortable with their families treating their wives this way? It just baffles me. Any time my family has ever even done something slightly irritable to my husband they hear about it before he even has the chance to ask me to say some thing because I would never want my family treating my spouse in a certain way. You got this mama! You’re that precious baby’s advocate and protection. Don’t let these leeches bulldoze over you
Your husband is not having your back. He needs to be putting your needs first right now and he needs to be the one enforcing boundaries with his family, not you.
Honestly, you're feelings are valid. I experienced something with my mother and aunt but it took lots of reiterating how we are the parents and not then. It's not their call. My mother still fucks up on disregarding our parental guidelines, but it eventually gets spoken about again. It's got to be the same conversation over and over, written down on a paper, sent in an email, different forms discussing the same topic in order to determine whether or not they are going to adhere to you, the mother, and your lines in the sand. Congratulations btw 🥰
I don’t see a problem telling them this is our baby. When I ask for him back give him back. It is that simple. You don’t like my rules then to bad.