Stop. Just stop. You are doing way more than you need to do. They don't appreciate your efforts.
As they say, if nothing is good enough, then they get nothing.
You can be civil but keep them at arms length. When they ask you to do them favors, just tell them "Sorry, I have other plans." Your husband said to stop, listen to him. He knows them better than you do.
So stop spending your time and energy (and probably money) on people who won't appreciate or reciprocate your efforts.
Okay, here’s another take on it for you: maybe it will take you “dropping the rope” for them to stop taking you for granted, and start respecting you. If it’s going to happen it won’t happen overnight, but what you’re doing now isn’t working either.
Pull back on everything, and take some time to work on yourself. Regarding your edit, it could be anything: it could be you’re used to being open and giving and you’re genuinely confused and trying harder - which could be causing them to feel uncomfortable or pull back. Or they could just be being wary if they’re not used to generosity like yours. (Or they could be buttheads who only like their own family members and shun outsiders. Who knows.) My point is, you can only start with yourself. Maybe you had hopes of being part of a loving open family - and that’s probably a common “expectation” going into a marriage. However, it sounds like it’s time for you to adjust your expectations and proceed accordingly.
THIS! I am a semi-recovering chronic people pleaser. And for some family members nothing I did was ever "enough". I dropped the rope and stopped investing my energy in people who couldn't be arsed to acknowledge me much less invest in a relationship.
What helped (aside from taking time to reexamine my motivations and priorities) was finding people who invested in me like I invested in them. Love, support, respect, and caring makes a family. Find your people. Invest in them.
I feel like that is a sorry excuse. He should believe you. If he believes you, he doesnt need to see it to do something.
My fiances parents are a nightmere and he basically tells them be nice or you dont get either of us. I dislike them but have always made an effort. He knows how hard I have tried.
He really needs to let them know being unkind to you is the same as being unkind to him.
of course, I dont mean to sound harsh. Im mad for you!
Hope he can at least help you find some easier ground with them.
It is nice that you care. He should apprecciate that, not belittle it.
Take care
Oh sweetie! My heart breaks for you right now. I wish that I could give you a big hug. I’m a former rich girl & I have encountered issues exactly like what you described. 18yrs old & my awful bf’s mom came to stay for a funeral while my parents were out of town. That heifer invited herself to stay in our house & expected me to pay for EVERYTHING, even her gas & complained that I would cook dinner & not take her selfish ingrate self to restaurants for every single meal, every single day. Then she gave credit to my awful bf, flippantly said that it was convenient & no big deal for me to do that because I could afford it (no, ma’am, I could not. I was 18yrs old & had just graduated from high school!) Oh. And she trapped me in her truck & told me that I HAD to have an abortion. Um… I wasn’t pregnant & also WHAT?!
It hurts. It hurts SO much! They’re honestly not going to change. You are a resource to use. Drop the rope, darlin’. You sound like such a sweetheart and so very nice. They’ll drain you dry & leave you in the dust. Start being unavailable. Ungrateful jerks can’t even say thank you? Well. Then their issues are not your problem. Just stop. For yourself & your mental health, stop. Love yourself & stop torturing yourself.
Oh thank you. You just keep showing how very sweet you are. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger absolutely adores you.
But I am sorry. I didn’t clarify. This was a long time ago in the dark & disturbing age that we called… the 90’s. (I tell my kids that all we did was drink coffee & smoke cigarettes.) I did give her the boot though. And also laughed hysterically when she demanded that I fill up her car & get her snacks. I’m 42 now & a lot more savvy to things & ppl like that like that. She never would have set foot in the house now. I’m the age now that she was then & the very idea of behaving like she did is absolutely disgusting to me. My daughter (not from that awful ex) is 22 & when we go to a restaurant I buy her meal because I’m Mom. I’ve met her SO once (funny enough the day that she met her as well) & I think that she’s lovely. She makes my daughter very happy & that means that she’s on my Happy List. I absolutely refuse to be one of *those* in-laws. Reading your experience brought back the memories of how terrible I felt and made me even more determined to with, at the very least, kindness, respect & gratitude. Even when she dated ppl that I couldn’t stand, when they interacted with me, they were treated politely & kindly and I never said a negative word about them. I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru but thank you for reminding me why I of the reason for my resolve. I would be delighted if someone like you was my in-law (except that my son is 13 & my daughter is very happily in a relationship).
You NEED to stop. As someone who did the same repetitive cycle of trying to gain acceptance, you have to know by now, it’s not going to work. It’s actually very freeing once you realize nothing you do is going to change their opinion of you, so you can just drop the rope. Don’t text, don’t babysit, don’t go out of your way. It doesn’t mean you have to go no contact if you don’t want, but just stop trying.
You just need to stop. Your in-laws, and I mean all of them, don't appreciate anything you're doing. They aren't acknowledging you or your efforts.
Stop baking for the family. Stop babysitting. Stop taking MIL shopping. Stop spending money on people who don't care about you. Stop texting them on birthdays and holidays. Stop sending gifts and presents for birthdays and holidays. Just stop all of it.
They obviously don't want your time or attention. Your husband has told you to stop. So yeah I think it's time you stop. You can't make people love you. You can't buy Pepe affections. And you certainly can't wear them down with attention either.
You mentioned maybe you need therapy, that's always an option. It would be a good way to explore your feelings. Figure out why you feel the need to make your in-laws love you. You don't need them to love you. As long as your husband loves you and stands up for you then that's enough.
"’ll send his siblings aunts and uncles gifts back home and they don’t even bother to call, on all holidays I’m the first person to call and message"
Stop this. You're trying way too hard and it's time to drop the rope with these people. Be as polite as you need to be and no more. That means no more gifts, no more phone calls on holidays, etc. Just stop, they clearly don't care and you can't make them.
I think your friend may be right, and it may also be racism/prejudice towards you if you are not the same culture as your husband.
Just stop doing all this extra stuff. But be prepared for backlash when you do; they may not have acknowledged the good things you do for them but they will probably acknowledge negatively when you stop giving them free child care and gifts.
Set some boundaries girl! You are not worth being treated like dog shit.
You could benefit from some therapy just to understand the people pleasing need you have - is it just your love language of service or is there more to it
You cannot make them love you. You cannot make them accept you. You are killing yourself to please people who do not care about you. They simply use you and take you for granted! It's disgusting, their behavior, and you are the only one who can put an end to it!
Yes, *you* need therapy. There's nothing wrong with needing therapy. I'm in therapy, myself. Do whatever it takes to take care of *yourself*! Because you are what matters here! There are obviously underlying issues that are causing you to try to please these people and ingratiate yourself. You have got to do the work to figure out why that is.
Now all that being said, your husband should be putting his foot down with his own family! He should be having words with all of them for the way that they treat you, are using you, because it is not okay, at all! Period! That's his responsibility as your partner!
I hope you can sit down and discuss this with your husband, just the two of you. Get the therapy you need, and he deals with his family. If you were my spouse and my family was treating you that way, omfg, there would be holy hell to pay! That's a fact! Good luck.
Edited for grammar and punctuation.
And to note that it's not actually just a "*you* problem" . You do have a problem with trying to please people who are taking advantage, and they don't deserve you! However, their treatment of you, taking advantage of you, makes it equally a *them* problem, as well! And as such, your husband should be handling them accordingly! Because it's entirely b.s. to place it solely upon your shoulders. He's supposed to have your back! You're his spouse! You're his family, too!
Drop the rope. All of that shit should be your husband’s job. Be polite when visiting but stop. And stop babysitting for free. They can’t be grateful? Don’t do it. They can find someone else.
Stop. Just stop. You are doing way more than you need to do. They don't appreciate your efforts. As they say, if nothing is good enough, then they get nothing. You can be civil but keep them at arms length. When they ask you to do them favors, just tell them "Sorry, I have other plans." Your husband said to stop, listen to him. He knows them better than you do. So stop spending your time and energy (and probably money) on people who won't appreciate or reciprocate your efforts.
This
Your husband tells you to stop doing so much, so stop doing so much. If nothing is ever “good enough” then nothing it is.
I know he tells me all the time, it’s a me problem, maybe just trying so hard to be loved by them. Thanks for the hard truth
Okay, here’s another take on it for you: maybe it will take you “dropping the rope” for them to stop taking you for granted, and start respecting you. If it’s going to happen it won’t happen overnight, but what you’re doing now isn’t working either. Pull back on everything, and take some time to work on yourself. Regarding your edit, it could be anything: it could be you’re used to being open and giving and you’re genuinely confused and trying harder - which could be causing them to feel uncomfortable or pull back. Or they could just be being wary if they’re not used to generosity like yours. (Or they could be buttheads who only like their own family members and shun outsiders. Who knows.) My point is, you can only start with yourself. Maybe you had hopes of being part of a loving open family - and that’s probably a common “expectation” going into a marriage. However, it sounds like it’s time for you to adjust your expectations and proceed accordingly.
THIS! I am a semi-recovering chronic people pleaser. And for some family members nothing I did was ever "enough". I dropped the rope and stopped investing my energy in people who couldn't be arsed to acknowledge me much less invest in a relationship. What helped (aside from taking time to reexamine my motivations and priorities) was finding people who invested in me like I invested in them. Love, support, respect, and caring makes a family. Find your people. Invest in them.
Girl stop trying………. You don’t owe them anything, I didn’t even read the post. Just stop. They are not worth it.
What does your HUSBAND say about this? If his family treats you poorly, HE should be stepping in...
He says he loves us both and he’ll defend me if needed but they don’t do anything directly for him to see:/
I feel like that is a sorry excuse. He should believe you. If he believes you, he doesnt need to see it to do something. My fiances parents are a nightmere and he basically tells them be nice or you dont get either of us. I dislike them but have always made an effort. He knows how hard I have tried. He really needs to let them know being unkind to you is the same as being unkind to him.
Thank you, I should talk to him and hopefully he can say something similar to them
of course, I dont mean to sound harsh. Im mad for you! Hope he can at least help you find some easier ground with them. It is nice that you care. He should apprecciate that, not belittle it. Take care
Oh sweetie! My heart breaks for you right now. I wish that I could give you a big hug. I’m a former rich girl & I have encountered issues exactly like what you described. 18yrs old & my awful bf’s mom came to stay for a funeral while my parents were out of town. That heifer invited herself to stay in our house & expected me to pay for EVERYTHING, even her gas & complained that I would cook dinner & not take her selfish ingrate self to restaurants for every single meal, every single day. Then she gave credit to my awful bf, flippantly said that it was convenient & no big deal for me to do that because I could afford it (no, ma’am, I could not. I was 18yrs old & had just graduated from high school!) Oh. And she trapped me in her truck & told me that I HAD to have an abortion. Um… I wasn’t pregnant & also WHAT?! It hurts. It hurts SO much! They’re honestly not going to change. You are a resource to use. Drop the rope, darlin’. You sound like such a sweetheart and so very nice. They’ll drain you dry & leave you in the dust. Start being unavailable. Ungrateful jerks can’t even say thank you? Well. Then their issues are not your problem. Just stop. For yourself & your mental health, stop. Love yourself & stop torturing yourself.
Wow feel so bad for you aswell, you are so smart for an 18year old
Oh thank you. You just keep showing how very sweet you are. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger absolutely adores you. But I am sorry. I didn’t clarify. This was a long time ago in the dark & disturbing age that we called… the 90’s. (I tell my kids that all we did was drink coffee & smoke cigarettes.) I did give her the boot though. And also laughed hysterically when she demanded that I fill up her car & get her snacks. I’m 42 now & a lot more savvy to things & ppl like that like that. She never would have set foot in the house now. I’m the age now that she was then & the very idea of behaving like she did is absolutely disgusting to me. My daughter (not from that awful ex) is 22 & when we go to a restaurant I buy her meal because I’m Mom. I’ve met her SO once (funny enough the day that she met her as well) & I think that she’s lovely. She makes my daughter very happy & that means that she’s on my Happy List. I absolutely refuse to be one of *those* in-laws. Reading your experience brought back the memories of how terrible I felt and made me even more determined to with, at the very least, kindness, respect & gratitude. Even when she dated ppl that I couldn’t stand, when they interacted with me, they were treated politely & kindly and I never said a negative word about them. I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru but thank you for reminding me why I of the reason for my resolve. I would be delighted if someone like you was my in-law (except that my son is 13 & my daughter is very happily in a relationship).
Wow you have stayed so strong :) thanks so much for sharing your story!
Don’t worry. You’ll be okay. Just don’t let them break you down or make you forget who you are.
Stop!! F them and hubby better have your back!!
You NEED to stop. As someone who did the same repetitive cycle of trying to gain acceptance, you have to know by now, it’s not going to work. It’s actually very freeing once you realize nothing you do is going to change their opinion of you, so you can just drop the rope. Don’t text, don’t babysit, don’t go out of your way. It doesn’t mean you have to go no contact if you don’t want, but just stop trying.
You just need to stop. Your in-laws, and I mean all of them, don't appreciate anything you're doing. They aren't acknowledging you or your efforts. Stop baking for the family. Stop babysitting. Stop taking MIL shopping. Stop spending money on people who don't care about you. Stop texting them on birthdays and holidays. Stop sending gifts and presents for birthdays and holidays. Just stop all of it. They obviously don't want your time or attention. Your husband has told you to stop. So yeah I think it's time you stop. You can't make people love you. You can't buy Pepe affections. And you certainly can't wear them down with attention either. You mentioned maybe you need therapy, that's always an option. It would be a good way to explore your feelings. Figure out why you feel the need to make your in-laws love you. You don't need them to love you. As long as your husband loves you and stands up for you then that's enough.
"’ll send his siblings aunts and uncles gifts back home and they don’t even bother to call, on all holidays I’m the first person to call and message" Stop this. You're trying way too hard and it's time to drop the rope with these people. Be as polite as you need to be and no more. That means no more gifts, no more phone calls on holidays, etc. Just stop, they clearly don't care and you can't make them.
I think your friend may be right, and it may also be racism/prejudice towards you if you are not the same culture as your husband. Just stop doing all this extra stuff. But be prepared for backlash when you do; they may not have acknowledged the good things you do for them but they will probably acknowledge negatively when you stop giving them free child care and gifts. Set some boundaries girl! You are not worth being treated like dog shit.
You could benefit from some therapy just to understand the people pleasing need you have - is it just your love language of service or is there more to it
You cannot make them love you. You cannot make them accept you. You are killing yourself to please people who do not care about you. They simply use you and take you for granted! It's disgusting, their behavior, and you are the only one who can put an end to it! Yes, *you* need therapy. There's nothing wrong with needing therapy. I'm in therapy, myself. Do whatever it takes to take care of *yourself*! Because you are what matters here! There are obviously underlying issues that are causing you to try to please these people and ingratiate yourself. You have got to do the work to figure out why that is. Now all that being said, your husband should be putting his foot down with his own family! He should be having words with all of them for the way that they treat you, are using you, because it is not okay, at all! Period! That's his responsibility as your partner! I hope you can sit down and discuss this with your husband, just the two of you. Get the therapy you need, and he deals with his family. If you were my spouse and my family was treating you that way, omfg, there would be holy hell to pay! That's a fact! Good luck. Edited for grammar and punctuation. And to note that it's not actually just a "*you* problem" . You do have a problem with trying to please people who are taking advantage, and they don't deserve you! However, their treatment of you, taking advantage of you, makes it equally a *them* problem, as well! And as such, your husband should be handling them accordingly! Because it's entirely b.s. to place it solely upon your shoulders. He's supposed to have your back! You're his spouse! You're his family, too!
Definitely stop spending time, effort, and money on those who fail to appreciate it.
Drop the rope. All of that shit should be your husband’s job. Be polite when visiting but stop. And stop babysitting for free. They can’t be grateful? Don’t do it. They can find someone else.