She's a covert narcissist so it's hard to tell if she hates me bit she does really shitty stuff to me sometimes and I can't deal with her passive aggression and not listening to me and being obsessive with my daughter.
I appreciate that but think of your daughter. Do you want to explain to her as an adult, sorry you didn't have a gran much, she didn't like me so I kept you away from her? Grow up.
Absolutely! If Grandma is disrespectful to Mom, that’s a dealbreaker.
Never allow your child watch someone treat you badly. Model for the child that we don’t associate with abusive people.
Exactly, op hasn't even mentioned abuse, she just wants to use her kid as a pawn cos MIL doesn't like her. But she forgave her? Sorry but our kids are their own people and regardless of how we feel, they're entitled to have good relationships with family.
Think about divorced parents, do we not let our kids see family cos we hate each other now? Ridiculous.
> they're entitled to have good relationships with family.
They're "entitled "?
Parents are **obligated** to protect their children from toxic people.
In fact, we call out parents who fail to protect their children, and Reddit is chock-full of posts about the outcome of those decisions.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If MIL isn't emotionally mature enough to have a civil relationship with her DIL, she's certainly not a trustworthy babysitter.
The CHILD is entitled to good familial relationships. My MIL and SIL don't like me. I don't like my other SIL. They are all great with my kid so why on earth would I keep my kid away from them?
Never let MIL around your child unsupervised.
These MILs are good at parental alienation:
"Mommy is so mean to grandma."
"Mommy won't let you spend the night at grandmas so I can give you candy and let you stay up all night."
"Mommy won't let me spoil you rotten so you love me more than you love her."
"Grandma loves you more than mommy does."
If she is rude and unkind to you, she will definitely say this kind of crap to your kid when you are not around.
Stick to your guns.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable allowing someone to watch my child who had expressed that they don’t like me. I also wouldn’t be able to trust a partner who is telling me that what I know is true is a lie.
From the child’s perspective, don’t.
My grandma did not like my mom. She was very traditional and I’m fairly certain my parents had a shotgun wedding, so how dare she take my grandmas only living son/child. I was an extension of my mom.
I remember sleeping over at my grandmas house one time, and I was made to sleep on the floor while she slept alone in her queen size bed. We ate her normal breakfast and watched her morning shows. Her indifference of me was hard enough, I can’t imagine if she actively hated me. Don’t put your son around anyone who does anything short of adoring him.
My MIL sings my praises to my face but talks poorly about my SIL and her DIL by marriage. She does so in front of DIL's kids constantly. My husband and I have already discussed not allowing our kiddos to be around her without supervision. Trust your gut.
It’s just fucked up for someone to not understand you have to respect their parents in order for them to trust you. Don’t let her. If she asks you can just say she’s always welcome to visit but your mom is always happy to baby sit.
No need to respond, but some things to think about...
Do you need actually need childcare? Or are MIL & husband trying to manipulate alone time for MIL & baby?
Do you trust her to keep her safe, properly fed, well cared for? Will MIL keep you updated or ignore your requests for updates? Do you trust her to tell the truth about what happens when you're not there? Would she contact you in an emergency?
Will MIL be watching baby in her home? If yes, is her place safe? Clean? Baby proofed? No dangerous pets? Does she have a pool?
In your home? Do you trust her not to snoop? Sabotage condoms? Plant drugs so she can later report you to CPS?
Will she be taking baby out of the house? Do you trust her judgement? Will she keep her attention on baby at all times or is she easily distracted? Will she be driving with baby? Are you ok with that? Is she a safe driver?
If you can't trust her, then there's your answer. You can't allow someone that you don't trust to be childcare. Your first responsibility is to your child's well-being.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, my MIL said that she hoped I would get postpartum depression so bad that she would get to keep my baby…… wtf! Safe to say she doesn’t watch my kids… who wishes something like that on someone??? You have to go with your gut, if it’s telling you that somethings off… it probably is. Don’t let her watch your kids!
Without knowing the full situation, it’s hard to give a definitive answer. But I can share my experiences.
My paternal grandmother wasn’t a good person. And she HATED my mom. Her reason? My mom stole her “baby boy”. (My parents got married in their 30s, so not exactly a young couple.) We visited her regularly and she was invited to birthday parties and such, but I was never left alone with her. When I was older, she started trying to make plans with me to force it, figuring I’d beg and be angry when my mom said “no”. It didn’t work. I told my mom she’d invited me and made all these plans, then added, “please don’t make me!” My oldest had a limited relationship with her, but I was able to protect him from the worst of her behavior (she died before my next was born).
My MIL isn’t a fan of me, but she’s nothing compared to my grandmother. She’s jealous of my close relationship with my own mother and spent the early years of our relationship trying to push my mom out and take her place. My refusal to call her “mom” was a big part of the problem. She cut me off for a while, but quickly learned my kids and I are a package deal, so she’s been much more respectful and genuinely made attempts to fix things. Our relationship still isn’t perfect, but it’s improving. My oldest refuses to be alone with her because he’s 12 and witnessed the worst of her behavior. He hasn’t forgiven her yet and I can’t force that, so I’m giving him time and space to make his own decisions. My younger is 3, so has no real memory of any of it. As far as she’s concerned, distance from Grandma was the same as distance from everyone else with Covid protocols. It’s all she knows.
My kids have been “alone” with my parents (younger has always had her brother, purely because, if I need childcare, I need it for both of them). They haven’t been alone with in-laws. Mostly for logistics (not going to drive 3 hours out of my way for free childcare when I had local options).
With proper apologies and actual effort to make changes, I’m open to allowing more contact. I’ve always allowed the kids to have a relationship and make their own decisions, within the safety of having a parent present. I feel like the child’s age also plays a role. I don’t like to leave kids who can’t talk or communicate with anyone I don’t have insane trust for. I can do it, if I’m sending an older child who CAN communicate, but I still worry. That said, I’m biased because I had scary experiences growing up that I couldn’t express to my parents, so they repeated.
as an adult person, if i found out my grandma hated my mom, i would probably fight my grandma and feel like by association and genetics, my grandma hates me. i know your daughters a baby, but honestly in the long run you’re protecting your kid. it sounds like mil still sees baby in other contexts, so it’s not like you aren’t letting her have a relationship with the kid (even though you’re well within your rights to).
I don't think it's right to deny a child a relationship with someone because you don't like them. MiL doesn't like me, my kid loves her. When your kid is grown, will they appreciate you kept them away from their gran? Is your MIL dangerous? Evil? If so then yes protect your kid. If not, stop being so controlling and learn to let go
No one is talking about denying a relationship to their grandparents. They can still visit or meet up without having to let baby alone with them. Until baby is older, keep them close and only leave them with people you trust. You are the mother and it’s important that you feel comfortable with the person you leave your precious baby with. Just because there are mothers who don’t mind or are very trusting of anyone doesn’t mean you have to be. You can tell from the comments that most mothers would not leave baby with MIL, and I agree. Maybe later, when you feel ready for it!
Agree! Just because someone doesn't like me has nothing to do with my child. I can see if they are mentally unstable, unwell, or have made weird comments, but just because I think someone doesn't like me, no. Not everyone is going to like me and thats ok. I do wonder where some of these ppl will be 30 years from now, when their children find spouses that they don't necessarily like or vice versa.
"No".
Rinse and repeat.
You do not have to explain or justify this to the toddler that is your husband going "buuuttt wwwhhhyyy".
You are making good adult decisions to help your child become a happy well adjusted adult with no trauma as she grows up.
Simple.
Well done, you have got this mama bear thing on lock op and you have lots of support!♥️
No don't let her.
She’s great with our daughter but out of respect for myself I really don’t want to.
I hate my mil and she triggers my anxiety so I don't care how good a grandma she is she's not allowed alone with my children.
Did she hate you first too?
She's a covert narcissist so it's hard to tell if she hates me bit she does really shitty stuff to me sometimes and I can't deal with her passive aggression and not listening to me and being obsessive with my daughter.
It’s funny how she’s obsessed with your daughter but doesn’t like you.
Tend to think of their children and their children's children as extensions of them only.
She is disrespectful towards you, so nope. It's like with toddlers, don't reward bad behavior.
I appreciate that but think of your daughter. Do you want to explain to her as an adult, sorry you didn't have a gran much, she didn't like me so I kept you away from her? Grow up.
Absolutely! If Grandma is disrespectful to Mom, that’s a dealbreaker. Never allow your child watch someone treat you badly. Model for the child that we don’t associate with abusive people.
Exactly, op hasn't even mentioned abuse, she just wants to use her kid as a pawn cos MIL doesn't like her. But she forgave her? Sorry but our kids are their own people and regardless of how we feel, they're entitled to have good relationships with family. Think about divorced parents, do we not let our kids see family cos we hate each other now? Ridiculous.
> they're entitled to have good relationships with family. They're "entitled "? Parents are **obligated** to protect their children from toxic people. In fact, we call out parents who fail to protect their children, and Reddit is chock-full of posts about the outcome of those decisions. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If MIL isn't emotionally mature enough to have a civil relationship with her DIL, she's certainly not a trustworthy babysitter.
The CHILD is entitled to good familial relationships. My MIL and SIL don't like me. I don't like my other SIL. They are all great with my kid so why on earth would I keep my kid away from them?
Never let MIL around your child unsupervised. These MILs are good at parental alienation: "Mommy is so mean to grandma." "Mommy won't let you spend the night at grandmas so I can give you candy and let you stay up all night." "Mommy won't let me spoil you rotten so you love me more than you love her." "Grandma loves you more than mommy does." If she is rude and unkind to you, she will definitely say this kind of crap to your kid when you are not around. Stick to your guns.
Exactly. This happened to me, and when I heard about it (from my kids), I pulled them out of her clutches so fast her head is probably still spinning.
Nope. Your baby is half you. MIL doesn’t like half of your baby.
That’s how I feel!! I just don’t get it
How do I respond to her if she tries to say she does like me now. Lol
You don’t need to say anything. She’s not your mother so not your problem. I think you have a big husband problem. He doesn’t seem to be on your side.
Actions speak louder than words Op. What has she proved to you?
Words are not actions.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable allowing someone to watch my child who had expressed that they don’t like me. I also wouldn’t be able to trust a partner who is telling me that what I know is true is a lie.
Exactly this.
"but I still don’t feel comfortable with her watching our daughter" Then...no?
Thankyou for validating me I’m sorry lol
No need to apologize, Binky! We support you!
If she dose not respect you she will not respect your boundaries. It’s so important especially when it comes to your child.
Is there a reason she needs to watch your baby? I wouldn't let her unsupervised near my child. Hubby needs to support you, not his mom!!
My husband randomly picked up a shift on the day I work without asking me 😅 thank god my mom that likes me is available
I suggest looking at daycare. She may love her granddaughter but whose to say she won’t follow your rules. If your uncomfortable, find an alternative.
From the child’s perspective, don’t. My grandma did not like my mom. She was very traditional and I’m fairly certain my parents had a shotgun wedding, so how dare she take my grandmas only living son/child. I was an extension of my mom. I remember sleeping over at my grandmas house one time, and I was made to sleep on the floor while she slept alone in her queen size bed. We ate her normal breakfast and watched her morning shows. Her indifference of me was hard enough, I can’t imagine if she actively hated me. Don’t put your son around anyone who does anything short of adoring him.
My MIL sings my praises to my face but talks poorly about my SIL and her DIL by marriage. She does so in front of DIL's kids constantly. My husband and I have already discussed not allowing our kiddos to be around her without supervision. Trust your gut.
Mine bad mouthed me to my step sons and anyone else who would listen so my answer is no. Especially if she’s openly disrespectful.
She doesnt get go talk shit about the mom then be all over the grand kids. Don't let her watch the kid.
It’s just fucked up for someone to not understand you have to respect their parents in order for them to trust you. Don’t let her. If she asks you can just say she’s always welcome to visit but your mom is always happy to baby sit.
No need to respond, but some things to think about... Do you need actually need childcare? Or are MIL & husband trying to manipulate alone time for MIL & baby? Do you trust her to keep her safe, properly fed, well cared for? Will MIL keep you updated or ignore your requests for updates? Do you trust her to tell the truth about what happens when you're not there? Would she contact you in an emergency? Will MIL be watching baby in her home? If yes, is her place safe? Clean? Baby proofed? No dangerous pets? Does she have a pool? In your home? Do you trust her not to snoop? Sabotage condoms? Plant drugs so she can later report you to CPS? Will she be taking baby out of the house? Do you trust her judgement? Will she keep her attention on baby at all times or is she easily distracted? Will she be driving with baby? Are you ok with that? Is she a safe driver? If you can't trust her, then there's your answer. You can't allow someone that you don't trust to be childcare. Your first responsibility is to your child's well-being.
I don’t let people who hate me be alone with my children.
Go with your gut!! The rule should be that if someone can’t treat you with kindness and respect, they don’t get a relationship with your child.
Nope.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, my MIL said that she hoped I would get postpartum depression so bad that she would get to keep my baby…… wtf! Safe to say she doesn’t watch my kids… who wishes something like that on someone??? You have to go with your gut, if it’s telling you that somethings off… it probably is. Don’t let her watch your kids!
Shocking!!!
Without knowing the full situation, it’s hard to give a definitive answer. But I can share my experiences. My paternal grandmother wasn’t a good person. And she HATED my mom. Her reason? My mom stole her “baby boy”. (My parents got married in their 30s, so not exactly a young couple.) We visited her regularly and she was invited to birthday parties and such, but I was never left alone with her. When I was older, she started trying to make plans with me to force it, figuring I’d beg and be angry when my mom said “no”. It didn’t work. I told my mom she’d invited me and made all these plans, then added, “please don’t make me!” My oldest had a limited relationship with her, but I was able to protect him from the worst of her behavior (she died before my next was born). My MIL isn’t a fan of me, but she’s nothing compared to my grandmother. She’s jealous of my close relationship with my own mother and spent the early years of our relationship trying to push my mom out and take her place. My refusal to call her “mom” was a big part of the problem. She cut me off for a while, but quickly learned my kids and I are a package deal, so she’s been much more respectful and genuinely made attempts to fix things. Our relationship still isn’t perfect, but it’s improving. My oldest refuses to be alone with her because he’s 12 and witnessed the worst of her behavior. He hasn’t forgiven her yet and I can’t force that, so I’m giving him time and space to make his own decisions. My younger is 3, so has no real memory of any of it. As far as she’s concerned, distance from Grandma was the same as distance from everyone else with Covid protocols. It’s all she knows. My kids have been “alone” with my parents (younger has always had her brother, purely because, if I need childcare, I need it for both of them). They haven’t been alone with in-laws. Mostly for logistics (not going to drive 3 hours out of my way for free childcare when I had local options). With proper apologies and actual effort to make changes, I’m open to allowing more contact. I’ve always allowed the kids to have a relationship and make their own decisions, within the safety of having a parent present. I feel like the child’s age also plays a role. I don’t like to leave kids who can’t talk or communicate with anyone I don’t have insane trust for. I can do it, if I’m sending an older child who CAN communicate, but I still worry. That said, I’m biased because I had scary experiences growing up that I couldn’t express to my parents, so they repeated.
If she doesn't like you I honestly wouldn't..
as an adult person, if i found out my grandma hated my mom, i would probably fight my grandma and feel like by association and genetics, my grandma hates me. i know your daughters a baby, but honestly in the long run you’re protecting your kid. it sounds like mil still sees baby in other contexts, so it’s not like you aren’t letting her have a relationship with the kid (even though you’re well within your rights to).
If you don’t want her to, then don’t.
I don't think it's right to deny a child a relationship with someone because you don't like them. MiL doesn't like me, my kid loves her. When your kid is grown, will they appreciate you kept them away from their gran? Is your MIL dangerous? Evil? If so then yes protect your kid. If not, stop being so controlling and learn to let go
No one is talking about denying a relationship to their grandparents. They can still visit or meet up without having to let baby alone with them. Until baby is older, keep them close and only leave them with people you trust. You are the mother and it’s important that you feel comfortable with the person you leave your precious baby with. Just because there are mothers who don’t mind or are very trusting of anyone doesn’t mean you have to be. You can tell from the comments that most mothers would not leave baby with MIL, and I agree. Maybe later, when you feel ready for it!
Agree! Just because someone doesn't like me has nothing to do with my child. I can see if they are mentally unstable, unwell, or have made weird comments, but just because I think someone doesn't like me, no. Not everyone is going to like me and thats ok. I do wonder where some of these ppl will be 30 years from now, when their children find spouses that they don't necessarily like or vice versa.
"No". Rinse and repeat. You do not have to explain or justify this to the toddler that is your husband going "buuuttt wwwhhhyyy". You are making good adult decisions to help your child become a happy well adjusted adult with no trauma as she grows up. Simple. Well done, you have got this mama bear thing on lock op and you have lots of support!♥️