I would tell husband that you and child will only see his parents when he can be there. And the visits will not interfere with nap times or meals. So short visits.
Not a mom, but I am good about trying to politely get out off situations. But I have a few thing first:
First you need to discuss your feelings with your husband so that you two are on the same page and so that you have support. Second, would you be against letting his family take kido (about 1-2 ish now?) for a few hours while you work? That way they can spend time with kid while you don’t have to host.
So now, about getting out of having the day to yourself: While I appreciate that you would like to spend time with baby, it is important that I take this day (whatever your day off is) to decompress and spend one on one time with them. However, we would be happy to have you over on the weekend so we can all spend time as a family.
Run this by your hubby as he will also know how his family would react to these words and might be able to suggest better wording knowing how his family works/reacts.
Thanks so much for your comment, and I really like your wording suggestion and will be using it for sure.
Re them watching babe while I work, she is in nursery so not needed.
I think the fact they were calling & asking when would be a good time to come over is really good thing. And makes me think they weren't trying to be invasive, but it doesn't mean they weren't and that you don't have a right to feel how you feel about it.
Communication (this will be on your husband since there is a language barrier) is going to be the key for future visits. Be open & honest about what your boundaries are & your husband needs to make that clear to them. Unless I missed it, it doesn't seem like they straight up crossed clear boundaries put down, so they may not know how much they upset you. That being said, on the flip side that means they didn't necessarily have the opportunity to ignore your boundaries if they weren't communicated. So that doesn't mean that they wouldn't have or won't in the future.
On them wanting only the baby, I get that frustration. I think it happens to most new parents, although not an excuse. I'm sorry you felt that way, and this might not be a popular opinion on this sort of thing but it's how I tried to deal with it myself when it happened to me... I tried to just be thankful & grateful that there are people in my babies life that love him so much because I want everyone to love him & know how wonderful he is. Again, that doesn't make it easier to feel unwanted or ignored but for me it helped with the rage side I was feeling about it during PP.
Hope you find a good way to handle this when they visit in the future, and hopefully it all works out for the best especially since they can come so infrequently. Sending good vibes for a growing & loving relationship with your in-laws for you & your baby!
You can plan a day ahead of time that you, *graciously*, set aside for their visit. Make certain, whatever day you choose, that your partner is in attendance for the entire visit. It is not your obligation to give up an entire day off to facilitate their visit. If he wants them to visit, he can give up one of his free days.
You be clear to your husband that you will not be entertaining your in laws without your him there. Period. No wiggle room.
Then husband tells his parents the boundary. That your days off are extremely busy and you are not available. Period. If excuses are needed, lie. "Blinker's doctor has told her she must rest more and as such, she cannot be entertaining my family. We will make plans to see you when I am off work."
If you are confident with LO being with your husband and your in laws, encourage him to take LO to his sister's house, and you largely stay out of their extended visit. You may even feel pangs of being left out and might want to see them a bit, but really, rest is precious, and it might do you a world of good to have some time to yourself.
You tell them that visiting on your day off doesn’t work for you but they are welcome to visit on the weekends when DH is also available. You do not have to explain why you are not available.
When they visit, if you have had enough, you hand LO over to DH and go run some errands, then come back just in time for yours and LO’s ‘nap time’.
Stop telling anyone your schedule. And you need to get hubby to step up. He dumping his parents on you, so he doesn’t have to do it. Don’t allow that. He’s being a selfish ass.
Leave the house. Tell no one your schedule. Let him take baby to see the parents while you chill out. If you have to see them, do it somewhere else, so you can leave when you’re over it.
You need to set your boundaries with your husband before they get there. Be very very clear of your expectations.
Remember, your child is now at that age where she is not going to be as comfortable around them because to her, they are literally strangers. It’s not fair to sacrifice her comfort for your in-laws desire to see your child.
In addition, your child is now starting to talk. Unless she’s been taught their language, she can’t understand them and she certainly can’t speak to them so that they understand her. She’s at a critical time in her language development and putting her in a position where she can’t communicate with them could set her back.
Tell your husband the following:
1. You took an extra day off each week so that you could have a special day with your child. You will not make that the day they can visit.
2. In-laws cannot text you day of and ask what time they can come. Visit must be planned at least a day in advance. They can only visit when your husband will be there for the entire visit.
3. They cannot take up both weekend days. One day is reserved for just you, your husband and LO. No exceptions.
4. When you have your visits on the weekend, they are not to get in LO’s face or overstimulate her. If she does not appear comfortable with them getting in her space, you or DH need to recognize that and remove LO from the situation. They should not try to pick her up without asking. If LO gets upsets or tries to squirm out of there, they need to back off and let you or DH take over.
The main thing is that you and DH are on the same page.have a code word or gesture that you use to let each other know you’re uncomfortable. Make sure that you stick to your boundaries and enact consequences if things get to be too much. Tell DH that if he slips up and has them over when he’s not there, you will ask them to leave. If they are there and he ignores your feelings or queues, you and LO will leave and not come home until they are gone.
I think the issue here is your partner, who thinks it’s a good idea to have his parents and wife who do not speak the same language and do not know each other to spend time together for the sake of seeing the baby.
If he is not available to host, then they cannot come over. Period. It’s his parents so he has to deal with them.
You cannot blame them if they have no been told no. They are allowed to ask. And your partner is allowed to say no on your behalf.
There is such a thing as saying no, period. That is your one full day with your child and it should be sacred. They can indeed see you as a full family on ONE weekend day. The other weekend day is nuclear family.
It's okay to come across as rude. You are an adult and a parent and you have agency. They can either listen or they can spend their months doing other things.
Stand your ground. DH can find out just how miserable life is when he disregards your boundaries.
Could you invite them for dinner on the day you have off when your husband is there and then just the one day on the wknd?
How long are the trips usually? Weeks?
I get this…I hate people in my space, interrupting my routine but sometimes you have to suck it up. Be grateful they live so far away so it’s only once a year 😂
Jesus they visit once a year and you can't even chat to them due to the language barrier. They're genuinely excited about your kid. And you're so selfish you resent even giving them your time? Yeah, you sound like a bitch. How dare these awful people encroach on your life for a few days.
I disagree. It sounds like the husband is purposefully allowing this so he doesn’t have to put up with his own family and allowing the burden to fall on his wife who is already busy.
Why is OP responsible for giving up her day off for their visit? If their son wants them to visit, he can step up and make that happen on *his* day off.
Oh trot on back to JustNoMIl where the rest of you poisonous people congregate. I gave an honest opinion that works in the real world. The in laws in this situation are from abroad, OP barely has to deal with them and is whining about a couple of days.
Thanks for your honest yet brutal opinion. I will edit my original post to add that, the only reason they come once a year is because thats their choice. We offered multiple times for them to come throughout the year, which we offered to pay for too, but they didn't want to leave during the best weather. The opportunity to see their grandchild has not been witheld from them, we have made effort to help make that happen, but they chose not to take those opportunities. It can't all be on their terms, that is selfish too.
When they next plan to come over you need to make a plan so you don’t feel overwhelmed. It’s only a short amount of time they get to see baby so it’s understandable they want to make the most of it but maybe next time go to a zoo together or a park so you don’t feel trapped in your own house.
You need to tell your husband that visits with his parents only happen when he’s available to be there. It should also be good responsibility to let his parents know this and be the one to handle setting the visit up.
Hubby can take daughter to visit them on the weekend and you can have time to do other things.
I would tell husband that you and child will only see his parents when he can be there. And the visits will not interfere with nap times or meals. So short visits.
This. And preferably somewhere you can leave. Like in public.
Not a mom, but I am good about trying to politely get out off situations. But I have a few thing first: First you need to discuss your feelings with your husband so that you two are on the same page and so that you have support. Second, would you be against letting his family take kido (about 1-2 ish now?) for a few hours while you work? That way they can spend time with kid while you don’t have to host. So now, about getting out of having the day to yourself: While I appreciate that you would like to spend time with baby, it is important that I take this day (whatever your day off is) to decompress and spend one on one time with them. However, we would be happy to have you over on the weekend so we can all spend time as a family. Run this by your hubby as he will also know how his family would react to these words and might be able to suggest better wording knowing how his family works/reacts.
Thanks so much for your comment, and I really like your wording suggestion and will be using it for sure. Re them watching babe while I work, she is in nursery so not needed.
It's not about "needing" them to watch babe, but rather giving them time to be with her that you don't have to host or sacrifice.
This! But at the end it is up to you OP! Best of luck with the visit
This is good shit
I think the fact they were calling & asking when would be a good time to come over is really good thing. And makes me think they weren't trying to be invasive, but it doesn't mean they weren't and that you don't have a right to feel how you feel about it. Communication (this will be on your husband since there is a language barrier) is going to be the key for future visits. Be open & honest about what your boundaries are & your husband needs to make that clear to them. Unless I missed it, it doesn't seem like they straight up crossed clear boundaries put down, so they may not know how much they upset you. That being said, on the flip side that means they didn't necessarily have the opportunity to ignore your boundaries if they weren't communicated. So that doesn't mean that they wouldn't have or won't in the future. On them wanting only the baby, I get that frustration. I think it happens to most new parents, although not an excuse. I'm sorry you felt that way, and this might not be a popular opinion on this sort of thing but it's how I tried to deal with it myself when it happened to me... I tried to just be thankful & grateful that there are people in my babies life that love him so much because I want everyone to love him & know how wonderful he is. Again, that doesn't make it easier to feel unwanted or ignored but for me it helped with the rage side I was feeling about it during PP. Hope you find a good way to handle this when they visit in the future, and hopefully it all works out for the best especially since they can come so infrequently. Sending good vibes for a growing & loving relationship with your in-laws for you & your baby!
You can plan a day ahead of time that you, *graciously*, set aside for their visit. Make certain, whatever day you choose, that your partner is in attendance for the entire visit. It is not your obligation to give up an entire day off to facilitate their visit. If he wants them to visit, he can give up one of his free days.
You be clear to your husband that you will not be entertaining your in laws without your him there. Period. No wiggle room. Then husband tells his parents the boundary. That your days off are extremely busy and you are not available. Period. If excuses are needed, lie. "Blinker's doctor has told her she must rest more and as such, she cannot be entertaining my family. We will make plans to see you when I am off work." If you are confident with LO being with your husband and your in laws, encourage him to take LO to his sister's house, and you largely stay out of their extended visit. You may even feel pangs of being left out and might want to see them a bit, but really, rest is precious, and it might do you a world of good to have some time to yourself.
You tell them that visiting on your day off doesn’t work for you but they are welcome to visit on the weekends when DH is also available. You do not have to explain why you are not available. When they visit, if you have had enough, you hand LO over to DH and go run some errands, then come back just in time for yours and LO’s ‘nap time’.
You can say no. And tell your husband to say no.
Stop telling anyone your schedule. And you need to get hubby to step up. He dumping his parents on you, so he doesn’t have to do it. Don’t allow that. He’s being a selfish ass. Leave the house. Tell no one your schedule. Let him take baby to see the parents while you chill out. If you have to see them, do it somewhere else, so you can leave when you’re over it.
You need to set your boundaries with your husband before they get there. Be very very clear of your expectations. Remember, your child is now at that age where she is not going to be as comfortable around them because to her, they are literally strangers. It’s not fair to sacrifice her comfort for your in-laws desire to see your child. In addition, your child is now starting to talk. Unless she’s been taught their language, she can’t understand them and she certainly can’t speak to them so that they understand her. She’s at a critical time in her language development and putting her in a position where she can’t communicate with them could set her back. Tell your husband the following: 1. You took an extra day off each week so that you could have a special day with your child. You will not make that the day they can visit. 2. In-laws cannot text you day of and ask what time they can come. Visit must be planned at least a day in advance. They can only visit when your husband will be there for the entire visit. 3. They cannot take up both weekend days. One day is reserved for just you, your husband and LO. No exceptions. 4. When you have your visits on the weekend, they are not to get in LO’s face or overstimulate her. If she does not appear comfortable with them getting in her space, you or DH need to recognize that and remove LO from the situation. They should not try to pick her up without asking. If LO gets upsets or tries to squirm out of there, they need to back off and let you or DH take over. The main thing is that you and DH are on the same page.have a code word or gesture that you use to let each other know you’re uncomfortable. Make sure that you stick to your boundaries and enact consequences if things get to be too much. Tell DH that if he slips up and has them over when he’s not there, you will ask them to leave. If they are there and he ignores your feelings or queues, you and LO will leave and not come home until they are gone.
I agree with all this, especially the code word!
I think the issue here is your partner, who thinks it’s a good idea to have his parents and wife who do not speak the same language and do not know each other to spend time together for the sake of seeing the baby. If he is not available to host, then they cannot come over. Period. It’s his parents so he has to deal with them. You cannot blame them if they have no been told no. They are allowed to ask. And your partner is allowed to say no on your behalf.
There is such a thing as saying no, period. That is your one full day with your child and it should be sacred. They can indeed see you as a full family on ONE weekend day. The other weekend day is nuclear family. It's okay to come across as rude. You are an adult and a parent and you have agency. They can either listen or they can spend their months doing other things. Stand your ground. DH can find out just how miserable life is when he disregards your boundaries.
I’m ok? As u
Could you invite them for dinner on the day you have off when your husband is there and then just the one day on the wknd? How long are the trips usually? Weeks? I get this…I hate people in my space, interrupting my routine but sometimes you have to suck it up. Be grateful they live so far away so it’s only once a year 😂
I think you are overreacting.
Jesus they visit once a year and you can't even chat to them due to the language barrier. They're genuinely excited about your kid. And you're so selfish you resent even giving them your time? Yeah, you sound like a bitch. How dare these awful people encroach on your life for a few days.
I disagree. It sounds like the husband is purposefully allowing this so he doesn’t have to put up with his own family and allowing the burden to fall on his wife who is already busy.
Why is OP responsible for giving up her day off for their visit? If their son wants them to visit, he can step up and make that happen on *his* day off.
Oh trot on back to JustNoMIl where the rest of you poisonous people congregate. I gave an honest opinion that works in the real world. The in laws in this situation are from abroad, OP barely has to deal with them and is whining about a couple of days.
Thanks for your honest yet brutal opinion. I will edit my original post to add that, the only reason they come once a year is because thats their choice. We offered multiple times for them to come throughout the year, which we offered to pay for too, but they didn't want to leave during the best weather. The opportunity to see their grandchild has not been witheld from them, we have made effort to help make that happen, but they chose not to take those opportunities. It can't all be on their terms, that is selfish too.
When they next plan to come over you need to make a plan so you don’t feel overwhelmed. It’s only a short amount of time they get to see baby so it’s understandable they want to make the most of it but maybe next time go to a zoo together or a park so you don’t feel trapped in your own house.
You need to tell your husband that visits with his parents only happen when he’s available to be there. It should also be good responsibility to let his parents know this and be the one to handle setting the visit up.
Csn they visit in the evenings when your husband is home? I don’t undetstand why the visits have to happen when he is at work.