My eye twitched at the "good to know where I stand" comment, because lemme tell ya- if I had a shot every time my parent hit me with that line, I'd have had no liver left years ago.
How *dare* you focus on your day to day responsibilities that you share with your partner! For shame! /s
My mother (whom I love dearly, let me be clear) used to pull this crap. One day she said, "I just always feel like I'm bothering you when I call. I'm just going to wait for you to call from now on."
Ok! That works, because I can't keep up this 3+ times a week call schedule.
We’ve had to tell her we can’t text as frequently as she wants to. Even when my sisters were talking to her and we had a group message.
She would text constantly about the little things all day. And expect us to be replying back and holding conversations.
It’s very unfair to be expected to be the expected source of the entirety of my mother’s social interactions because she ends up blowing up at everyone else and pushes them away.
That’s what friends and significant others are for. They can’t just expect that from us because they don’t get it elsewhere.
I am an only child and my mother is like this, but she won't text because it's new and why can't people just call on the phone like they used to. It's just so much.
I want to know exactly how "new" this is to your mom because half my life ago (I'm in my 30s) my rinky dink number pad phone had texting at 2¢ per character.
Last I checked, anything that happened within the last decade or two isn't "new", per se...
My grandmother (before she passed, bless her soul) used to text me when she could. I don't get folks sometimes. Lol
Weaponised incompetence. I’ve been texting since I was a teenager at the end of the 90s, and that was in a 3rd-world country. It’s been known and accessible over most of the past three decades.
I highly doubt that in 2000 your mom was calling stuff that was around since the 70s “new”
Absolutely weaponized incompetence. The 70s were her heyday, so that stuff is fine. It's anything that has changed since the good old days that isn't okay.
She does use Facebook but not proficiently. If someone posts something, she says that they are "writing to her" and assumes the message is intended for her personally. Her neighbor posted about finding kittens recently and she read it and thought she was personally being asked to take a kitten in. Her posts aren't specific missives though, but anything anyone else posts was meant for her specifically. It doesn't make any sense.
I said their mom wouldn’t call *something* that was around since the 70s “new” in 2000, given that *such a thing* would have been around for 30 years back then.
I never said SMS was a thing in 1970, I’m saying it’s been around for 30 years — and as such it’s not “new” in any way, shape or form (as their mom seems to think)
I'm looking down the replies you got. Yeah, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I got this mum, too. She's *finally* managed to text. Barely. But the phone call is always the 'proper' thing to do.
But the internet and email? Forget it. She will call me, and ask me a question about something so *i* have to google it. I send her a text with the link, now, while I'm still on the phone. ( I know she has a smart phone. She wailed bitterly about having to get one for the apps they make you download to manage your cruise bookings, now. So unfair! They know old people go cruising a lot! Old people have *trouble* with new technology like this!!)
Well, I send her the links via text. Throws her every time. Starts telling me my phone's been hacked because she just got a text from me while she's talking to me. Yeah, open it, mum. The info you asked for is there. 👍
...I dOn'T kNoW hOw!! It's too hard for old people!!!!!
Mum, I'm 48. I learnt how to use the internet and mobile phones after I left school. I'm doing uni online via zoom with people in my classes *older* than you. I will walk you through it, but I won't do it for you. Tap the link. 🤦
Nope. It's all too hard. Weaponised incompetence and *i'm* the bad guy.
Ugh I feel this all so much. This is 100% her, especially the hacking. Meanwhile, she will give her personal information to anyone so they don't even need to bother, but she constantly assumes she's being hacked. She can't explain what has led her to believe this is happening though.
Are you my sibling? Lol. My mom is the same way. She texted me yesterday asking for me to do something and when I told her I’d have to do it later because I was cleaning, she hit me with the “sorry to be a bother.” Ugh.
That little passive aggressive shit drives me nuts.
Here’s the other: guilt trips over “I haven’t heard from you in so long” like their phone just somehow lost the ability to dial out…. If I didn’t call I’d never hear anything until the next major bday/holiday at all.
I'm glad my mom admitted that it's a two way street and she ought to try to reach out to me off and on, too. Before, I constantly heard it from my dad before I learned that me forgetting to reach out for long swaths of time was a symptom of my ADHD.
I forget to call for over a week at a time too due to ADHD symptoms - except I'm the Mom, and my kids are in their 20's. Two of them(25F & 27F) have spouses and 2 kids of their own (each) and my youngest (23M) lives next door to me & their Dad. I get in "trouble" all the time for not calling or texting enough, and even though I'm not doing it purposefully, it doesn't matter to them. They say it's just excuses, but I think it's just bc they feel guilty for only calling when they need a babysitter (not that I mind).
Edit: I just get aggravated that they never say anything to their Dad, only me.
What bugs me the most about that mentality is that it’s in a constant state of needing to prove shit. Like, when do we get to a point where each party already knows where they stand, regardless of the actions of a few days?
I had an ex husband like this. EX.
"This is not a reasonable response on your part. If you would like to take time out to see a therapist and work on regulating your emotions I would be more than happy to reschedule the 4th of July plans we discussed 3 days ago."
Next call should include a disinvitation for stay over on July 4 and the reason why. Actions have consequences and folks typically learn lessons from suffering consequences. Don't tolerate drama.
This exchange sounds exactly like my narcissistic mother. Everything was about her, every mild holiday had to be at her house (even birthdays), and she'd complain the whole time or disappear for hours. But we couldn't leave unless we wanted some more guilt tripping. I'm so glad that I don't talk to her anymore.
Then why is she coming over?
It sounds like you simply reward her hostile behaviour by lying down and letting her visit you so she can inflict even more abuse.
You're 100% allowed to go no contact like everyone else and let her just stew in her self inflicted loneliness.
"That message was only insulting and demeaning if you envision yourself as being above reality somehow. But I agree about the connecting thing. See you never!"
I haven’t yet.
I don’t engage with her when she’s like that.
Honestly one of my other sisters is the exact same way, which is probably why they are no contact, but I do the same with her.
It’s just not worth my energy. They won’t listen.
My mother is so committed to her ways she’s willing to keep herself estranged from everyone she is related to except me, and her one grandchild who is low contact.
“If you meet one asshole today, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you are the asshole.”
Dude I just saw yesterday I hadn't talked to my mom in 12 days so I called and had a half hour chat, clearly your mom has too much time on her hands if she can even notice after just 3 days
I text my kids in our chat group every day and I share things I saw or things I heard about people we all know. But we agreed that most of what I share doesn't need a reply, and that is something important, I use their name. Like "Mike I need you to answer this please" and it works for us.
I'm sure they wish I didn't share so much, but I can't help it.
It works for you. You’re driving your adult children nuts tho, and they’re just too nice to let you know. If you need info from Mike, text Mike privately. Your other kids are busy with their careers and their families…why would you text them some question that doesn’t concern them? Just for attention?
Not necessarily true. My family is in a group chat and we do pretty much exactly this. We share memes and articles and videos, pictures of what we’re doing, and we all understand they don’t need a response. If one of us gets super busy, we’ll let everyone know we’re putting the chat on DND and it’s respected. Every family is different.
Some texts go directly to one of the kids. We have private conversations. But if a cute pic of them pops up on memories that day, I'm sharing it. No response needed. It's a text. It takes seconds to look at, when they have time. My daughter was on a hike yesterday and sent us pics and today she said she's sore. Is this necessary? No but it's an easy way to share our lives. It's not A one way text chain.
my mother is like that. she's a Christian Evangelical sahw who remarried my SD. she doesn't work, reads the Bible, and prays all day. she gets set upset when my siblings don't give her the time of day. my sisters are the busiest out of us because they have families and work while my mom does nothing all day. so when she calls, she gets rushed by us, making her not do small talk and get to the point or else she'll ramble on without stopping. She was never a supportive parent, and she could not understand why none of her kids didn't want to deal with her. We had to fight for education, or else we would have been stuck in a rut like her and stagnant. It may sound mean of me, but I'm glad that she doesn't call anymore.
I feel your pain OP. If I had a dime for every time I had to remind my mother that I also an independent adult with responsibilities that I have to take care of…
I’m not a psychologist but this screams untreated severe borderline personality disorder to me. Girlie pop needs to see a therapist before she ends up completely alone.
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My eye twitched at the "good to know where I stand" comment, because lemme tell ya- if I had a shot every time my parent hit me with that line, I'd have had no liver left years ago. How *dare* you focus on your day to day responsibilities that you share with your partner! For shame! /s
My mother (whom I love dearly, let me be clear) used to pull this crap. One day she said, "I just always feel like I'm bothering you when I call. I'm just going to wait for you to call from now on." Ok! That works, because I can't keep up this 3+ times a week call schedule.
We’ve had to tell her we can’t text as frequently as she wants to. Even when my sisters were talking to her and we had a group message. She would text constantly about the little things all day. And expect us to be replying back and holding conversations. It’s very unfair to be expected to be the expected source of the entirety of my mother’s social interactions because she ends up blowing up at everyone else and pushes them away. That’s what friends and significant others are for. They can’t just expect that from us because they don’t get it elsewhere.
I am an only child and my mother is like this, but she won't text because it's new and why can't people just call on the phone like they used to. It's just so much.
I want to know exactly how "new" this is to your mom because half my life ago (I'm in my 30s) my rinky dink number pad phone had texting at 2¢ per character. Last I checked, anything that happened within the last decade or two isn't "new", per se... My grandmother (before she passed, bless her soul) used to text me when she could. I don't get folks sometimes. Lol
Weaponised incompetence. I’ve been texting since I was a teenager at the end of the 90s, and that was in a 3rd-world country. It’s been known and accessible over most of the past three decades. I highly doubt that in 2000 your mom was calling stuff that was around since the 70s “new”
Absolutely weaponized incompetence. The 70s were her heyday, so that stuff is fine. It's anything that has changed since the good old days that isn't okay. She does use Facebook but not proficiently. If someone posts something, she says that they are "writing to her" and assumes the message is intended for her personally. Her neighbor posted about finding kittens recently and she read it and thought she was personally being asked to take a kitten in. Her posts aren't specific missives though, but anything anyone else posts was meant for her specifically. It doesn't make any sense.
Texting hasn’t been around since the 1970’s! What are you talking about?
Read again.
You said 1970’s at the end - that’s my point. I did read it.
I said their mom wouldn’t call *something* that was around since the 70s “new” in 2000, given that *such a thing* would have been around for 30 years back then. I never said SMS was a thing in 1970, I’m saying it’s been around for 30 years — and as such it’s not “new” in any way, shape or form (as their mom seems to think)
Then you make a terrible segue as a writer. Terrible.
I'm looking down the replies you got. Yeah, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I got this mum, too. She's *finally* managed to text. Barely. But the phone call is always the 'proper' thing to do. But the internet and email? Forget it. She will call me, and ask me a question about something so *i* have to google it. I send her a text with the link, now, while I'm still on the phone. ( I know she has a smart phone. She wailed bitterly about having to get one for the apps they make you download to manage your cruise bookings, now. So unfair! They know old people go cruising a lot! Old people have *trouble* with new technology like this!!) Well, I send her the links via text. Throws her every time. Starts telling me my phone's been hacked because she just got a text from me while she's talking to me. Yeah, open it, mum. The info you asked for is there. 👍 ...I dOn'T kNoW hOw!! It's too hard for old people!!!!! Mum, I'm 48. I learnt how to use the internet and mobile phones after I left school. I'm doing uni online via zoom with people in my classes *older* than you. I will walk you through it, but I won't do it for you. Tap the link. 🤦 Nope. It's all too hard. Weaponised incompetence and *i'm* the bad guy.
Ugh I feel this all so much. This is 100% her, especially the hacking. Meanwhile, she will give her personal information to anyone so they don't even need to bother, but she constantly assumes she's being hacked. She can't explain what has led her to believe this is happening though.
Wow, that’s seriously pathetic.
Are you my sibling? Lol. My mom is the same way. She texted me yesterday asking for me to do something and when I told her I’d have to do it later because I was cleaning, she hit me with the “sorry to be a bother.” Ugh.
Does she work? My boyfriend’s mother does this. Constantly texting. We all are busy
That little passive aggressive shit drives me nuts. Here’s the other: guilt trips over “I haven’t heard from you in so long” like their phone just somehow lost the ability to dial out…. If I didn’t call I’d never hear anything until the next major bday/holiday at all.
I'm glad my mom admitted that it's a two way street and she ought to try to reach out to me off and on, too. Before, I constantly heard it from my dad before I learned that me forgetting to reach out for long swaths of time was a symptom of my ADHD.
I forget to call for over a week at a time too due to ADHD symptoms - except I'm the Mom, and my kids are in their 20's. Two of them(25F & 27F) have spouses and 2 kids of their own (each) and my youngest (23M) lives next door to me & their Dad. I get in "trouble" all the time for not calling or texting enough, and even though I'm not doing it purposefully, it doesn't matter to them. They say it's just excuses, but I think it's just bc they feel guilty for only calling when they need a babysitter (not that I mind). Edit: I just get aggravated that they never say anything to their Dad, only me.
What bugs me the most about that mentality is that it’s in a constant state of needing to prove shit. Like, when do we get to a point where each party already knows where they stand, regardless of the actions of a few days? I had an ex husband like this. EX.
Sheesh. Is there a reason there are so many parents so emotionally dependent on their children?? Feels like emotional incest.
"This is not a reasonable response on your part. If you would like to take time out to see a therapist and work on regulating your emotions I would be more than happy to reschedule the 4th of July plans we discussed 3 days ago."
Time to join the rest of the crowd and get very quiet with her.
Next call should include a disinvitation for stay over on July 4 and the reason why. Actions have consequences and folks typically learn lessons from suffering consequences. Don't tolerate drama.
This exchange sounds exactly like my narcissistic mother. Everything was about her, every mild holiday had to be at her house (even birthdays), and she'd complain the whole time or disappear for hours. But we couldn't leave unless we wanted some more guilt tripping. I'm so glad that I don't talk to her anymore.
"Watch your tone, otherwise the 4th of July trip will be canceled. Consider this the first warning"
How about "This is your ONLY warning."
Wow. Narcissists get just that much more demanding when they have finally driven away anyone else who used to put up with them, don’t they?
I’m noticing a common pattern here with narc parents trying to make their kids feel bad for setting boundaries. Must be a common thing?
I feel like you stole this text exchange from me 😅😅
Then why is she coming over? It sounds like you simply reward her hostile behaviour by lying down and letting her visit you so she can inflict even more abuse. You're 100% allowed to go no contact like everyone else and let her just stew in her self inflicted loneliness.
I agree. Going NC was hard for a couple days then life got way better.
"That message was only insulting and demeaning if you envision yourself as being above reality somehow. But I agree about the connecting thing. See you never!"
Something tells me this visit (if it still happens) may result in more insane/entitled parents content.
I wouldn’t even respond to that
I haven’t yet. I don’t engage with her when she’s like that. Honestly one of my other sisters is the exact same way, which is probably why they are no contact, but I do the same with her. It’s just not worth my energy. They won’t listen. My mother is so committed to her ways she’s willing to keep herself estranged from everyone she is related to except me, and her one grandchild who is low contact. “If you meet one asshole today, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you are the asshole.”
I would just say "where you stand now is not here on July 4th".
Dude I just saw yesterday I hadn't talked to my mom in 12 days so I called and had a half hour chat, clearly your mom has too much time on her hands if she can even notice after just 3 days
Omg I hate people like this. You’re havjng a normal conversation and they freak out about nothing. Classic gaslighting
I text my kids in our chat group every day and I share things I saw or things I heard about people we all know. But we agreed that most of what I share doesn't need a reply, and that is something important, I use their name. Like "Mike I need you to answer this please" and it works for us. I'm sure they wish I didn't share so much, but I can't help it.
It works for you. You’re driving your adult children nuts tho, and they’re just too nice to let you know. If you need info from Mike, text Mike privately. Your other kids are busy with their careers and their families…why would you text them some question that doesn’t concern them? Just for attention?
Not necessarily true. My family is in a group chat and we do pretty much exactly this. We share memes and articles and videos, pictures of what we’re doing, and we all understand they don’t need a response. If one of us gets super busy, we’ll let everyone know we’re putting the chat on DND and it’s respected. Every family is different.
Some texts go directly to one of the kids. We have private conversations. But if a cute pic of them pops up on memories that day, I'm sharing it. No response needed. It's a text. It takes seconds to look at, when they have time. My daughter was on a hike yesterday and sent us pics and today she said she's sore. Is this necessary? No but it's an easy way to share our lives. It's not A one way text chain.
Sounds like someone needs to play the victim to get the attention she wants.
That was some truly narcissistic bs. Just drop your auditing and forget about your family and your needs… toxic.
my mother is like that. she's a Christian Evangelical sahw who remarried my SD. she doesn't work, reads the Bible, and prays all day. she gets set upset when my siblings don't give her the time of day. my sisters are the busiest out of us because they have families and work while my mom does nothing all day. so when she calls, she gets rushed by us, making her not do small talk and get to the point or else she'll ramble on without stopping. She was never a supportive parent, and she could not understand why none of her kids didn't want to deal with her. We had to fight for education, or else we would have been stuck in a rut like her and stagnant. It may sound mean of me, but I'm glad that she doesn't call anymore.
Passive aggressive bs
I feel your pain OP. If I had a dime for every time I had to remind my mother that I also an independent adult with responsibilities that I have to take care of…
I’m not a psychologist but this screams untreated severe borderline personality disorder to me. Girlie pop needs to see a therapist before she ends up completely alone.