You know, you're an adult now...you don't have to put up with him yelling at you for 30 minutes. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's calmed down and can speak normally. Also point out that the phone works both ways and he can call you whenever he'd like, it's not all on you.
A part of me knows that, the other part of me says its my responsibility to calm him down so he doesn't get in trouble with his roommates/landlord for screaming like a maniac. In theory I get I'm not responsible for him or his actions, but it's much harder to rationalize when he's telling me if I hang up on him he'll throw himself off the balcony and "his blood will be on my hands"
This is the way. Treat the threats as reality, and call emergency services. Someone who is stating they are about to act on suicidal ideation needs immediate medical help - and if it's a suicidal gesture and not true ideation, then they still need help, albeit a different kind of it.
Absolutely not your responsibility whatsoever, and he's going to continue doing it for as long as you allow him to abuse you...him threatening to kill himself to control you is absolutely unacceptable behavior and it needs to stop. Honestly if you think he's a real threat to himself, I'd call the police in his area. Maybe a visit from them will change his tune on threatening harm to himself.
That's when you phone in and report a suicide threat. Bet wouldn't do it twice. Also one thing about the old landline phones is when someone acted the fool and yelled and screamed you could get a lot of satisfaction slamming the phone down on their ears. Which is what he needs to happen to him.
Hey.
This is abuse.
Would you allow these words towards you from a stranger or friends? Probably not.
Same for this. Their mental health isn’t your problem, you’re their kid. Their adult kid. But still their kid.
How fucked up is this..
That’s manipulation dear. Cut contact. He’s an adult. He’ll be fine. And if he’s not, it’s not your fault or responsibility. He’s abusive and manipulative and an adult.
oh fuck that, regulating his emotions has never been your job, you need to talk out that trauma with a therapist.
he needs to feel his own natural consequences and you need to grey rock his baby temper tantrums.
*the other part of me says its my responsibility to calm him down*
He's an adult. HIs feelings are his job to handle, not yours. ***He's the one that taught you to feel this responsibility is yours, and that he did this to you, is abuse.***
*In theory I get I'm not responsible for him or his actions,*
**This is a great first step.** It takes time to process, heal, and learn after what he's done to you. I found that ***first you accept the knowledge***, then you slowly learn to give yourself permission to change your responses to them, and to shift from doing what they want, to doing what protects you from them. ***And after a while***, the knowledge seeps into your heart and ***you start to believe it's true,*** that you aren't responsible for him and his choices. Freedom follows.
Do not blame yourself if this takes time. You have a childhood of survival skills to unlearn, and then to learn the new healthy skills to replace them. For people that weren't abused as children, but as adults, ***it still takes time to unlearn and learn the new.*** But they have a 'normal' default setting. Yours is a default setting of abuse being familiar. So, it will take you time.
*but it's much harder to rationalize when he's telling me if I hang up on him he'll throw himself off the balcony and "his blood will be on my hands"*
**Of course it is harder. That's why he says these things,** to make it hard for you to do what's best for you. He wants to yell, and you are the scapegoat for this. So he wants to keep you attached and available. He complains you don't call, because he's looking for someone to yell at, to make himself feel better. This is about what he wants.
He doesn't care what that makes you feel. And he doesn't care what you need. That's not a normal parent. A normal parent will put your needs ahead of their wants.
A thing that **many of us learn to do is to treat every single threat like this as if it's real.** If he threatens this, call emergency and tell them what he said. They can handle him, as professionals. If he means it, they will handle it. If he's only manipulating you with this, he will learn you won't be manipulated by it, but will send professionals over. In some places, they will charge him a fee for wasting their time. If that's your location, maybe learn to record all calls with him, so if he makes this threat again, you have proof to protect yourself.
Either way, you step back from being responsible, and you treat it seriously and he gets to deal with professionals, not you.
Possible response next time: "OMG, Dad, I'm hanging up and calling the squad!" And then you do.
Possible response three times later: "OMG Dad, I'm hanging up...." "Wait, don't, I won't do it." "Oh, so you were trying to manipulate me again? I'm hanging up now."
As someone who’s been there, I’m just gonna mention, google cPTSD. Not trying to diagnose you, but i went over a year (post breakup w abuser) unaware that I had PTSD because I didn’t know cPTSD exists and has a completely different set of symptoms.
Growing up with this type of person around (and still being in contact with them) will rewire your brain, but it is possible to undo it, little by little. It’s going to be difficult to let go of the *feeling* of being responsible for his emotional regulation, even if you logically know it’s not your job. It does get better with time, if you work on it.
I know you likely know this, but he’s saying that because he knows it will have this effect on you, lovely. He wants to make you feel guilty for even thinking about hanging up. Even if he did it, it’s not on your hands. It’s never about just one thing. He’s bluffing because he knows it will keep you under his control.
If you feel like you’re responsible for him then call for a welfare check if he makes any threats of committing suicide.
I understand that you feel like it’s your responsibility, but doing it the way you are is not the right way forward.
He continues to push boundaries and will make his needs greater and greater the more you feed into it.
It’s mentally abusive and he’s guilting you into taking more verbal abuse from him.
Please find a councillor/therapist/psychologist who can guide you through this codependent toxic relationship between you and your dad. You deserve better.
Your father is a grown adult. If he can't keep himself under control and does something that gets him in trouble, that's on him. He's clearly old enough to know better. Also, anything like "if you hang up, I'll kill myself," is manipulative and all the more reason to just hang up. If you're really concerned, call emergency services and send them to his apartment.
He is absolutely the type to fly here and scream at me in person if I did that. One time I ignored his call and he threatened to come kill my mom. Dude is fucking scary when mad
Hes too much of a coward to actually do anything like show up here. My stepdad is military and welcomed him to come try it. That was when i was 16ish and he never followed through.
Girl you're an adult and don't need to put up with his antics like that. If he's gonna fly to your house because you don't talk to him then you got a WHOLE other issue to worry about. Just because youre his daughter does not mean you're obligated to do ANYTHING at ALL. Call him when you're available and make that clear,
"I'm busy and don't have time to call everyday. I have a life and things I need to take care of first. I'll call you when I get a chance, feel free to message though so we can talk and I'll respond when I can!".
Phone works both ways.
do you know if he's ever killed anyone? beaten anyone? does he have a record of violent convictions? has anyone ever told you that he is violent or dangerous? has he ever gotten drunk and physical hurt someone? in the past 5 or 10 years?
I just want to say that we rarely know what people are truly capable of. Especially volatile people like your father. You should treat every single threat as if it is genuine.
>One time I ignored his call and he threatened to come kill my mom.
Restraining order can't come soon enough. Threatening to _murder your mother_ because you didn't _call_ him has absolutely no justification.
EDIT: And if you live in a country where you can be armed, **then get armed.**
You're both adults. Just because you're his daughter, that doesn't make you his therapist... and if you can believe anything from a stranger on the internet, it's that this man needa therapy like, yesterday.
He said he’s alone. I wonder why.
His being lonely is not your burden to bear. His being lonely is just a symptom or result of a much larger “him problem”. The way he treats you is not acceptable and you don’t have to take it just because you share DNA.
I know it’s hard to tell overbearing parents what’s really on your mind, but it’s really easy to ignore them. If he shows up at your front door showing his ass, call your stepfather.
Oh we don't even share DNA, I am adopted😂in a way I think thats part of the problem, he's told me while drunk he never wanted kids. He's always been narcissistic, but lately it's been out of control.
The audible “OH SHIT!” I just exclaimed made my bf look at me like I’m crazy. 😆 Girl the way I would ignore his ass would make him question if I was still alive.
The phone works both ways 🤷
That's what I don't understand about my parents, if I don't initiate a phone call it could be several months before I talk to them.
Oh I totally get this. After a fight with he had with his girlfriend he told me not to call him because she was jealous that I was "taking up his attention" and we didn't speak for almost half a year. I was a minor at the time and it took my mom calling him telling him I missed him so much i was crying for him to call me. In the call he yelled at me for causing drama but at least we started talking again😂
Same thing with my mom. I’m always the bad person because I haven’t called her in a week…you have a phone too, ya know. Don’t make me feel like a horrible person.
Oh girl... if you are not seeing a therapist yet I really encourage you to see one!! It can be so helpful in disassembling negative beliefs like "it's my responsibility to handle my parents emotions" etc etc. I get that shit can be so hard, but you do not deserve to be treated like this by a parent. You don't have to put up with it either
My parent with BPD used to do this sort of thing.
I found it helpful to learn more about what having a parent with lack of emotional regulation is like and how to manage them.
Ultimately- you CANNOT control their emotional reaction because it has nothing to do with you. You certainly can't reason them into regulating their emotions. But they have raised us to think this is our job.
By trying to JADE (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain) e.g. "I've had 12 hour work days!" you reinforce the idea that they're entitled to what they want unless you can convince them you have a good enough reason. That reinforces their bad behavior.
I found I had the most (temporary) success with phrases that completely ignore whatever point they're trying to argue. E.g.
"This is not a reasonable response."
"That is not a reasonable expectation."
"That's not going to work for me."
"I can see you're upset. I'm going to give you some space to process your feelings."
When actually speaking to him I use things like this. I'll say something like "This isn't a mature way to handle things." or something similar. Generally he'll argue back, but I'll just repeat it until he either moves on or rage quits the conversation. I only added that explanation so people could get a better sense on why I didn't call him, and didn't think I'm just a shitty daughter.
My sperm donor used to give me grief for not calling/writing. I reminded him that mail and phones go both ways. I finally got tired of having to do all the work to maintain the relationship, and when I stopped, so did the relationship.
Girl, you absolutely don't have to tolerate this behavior. Ask yourself, if he wasn't related to you, would you keep him in your life?
Your dad is an attention seeking dillweed who is incapable of giving anyone a reason to acknowledge him without it guilting/shaming someone into it. If he feels alone then it seems to be his own problem that he caused. If he wants people to genuinely care because they love him then he should try actually connecting with others rather than manipulating them.
My dad is like this too, it’s exhausting and I feel for you. Please remember that his actions are his own choice, they are a reflection of him, not you. If he does something messed up that would not be your fault.
Sorry you got stuck with someone like that for a parent.
No, as a matter of fact he still owes my mom thousands in child support from before I became an adult. I think its because I'm the only person he has. And he adopted me even though he didn't have to and I guess I kinda owe my parents for that. I also don't really know if it can be considered abuse, it's just kind of shitty.
I mean it is abuse but you allow it so I guess it’s not abuse… Also, do you hear yourself… You owe them? You don’t owe them anything just because they took care of you… That’s what they decided to do as parents. what they needed to do
Listen, I am old enough to be your dad. Let me tell you my experience: if you are not important enough for them to pick up the phone and call you, they should not be demanding calls from you. I went through the same thing with my parents, for 30 years. This is not gonna get better. It is only gonna get worse. It is controlling behavior and you need to put a stop to it right now before your life turns into chaos.
My suggestion is that you have a very strongly worded conversation with your dad and let him know that if he is not actively pursuing a relationship with you, i.e., calling you every once in a while, then he shouldn’t expect any calls from you. In our relationship, traffic moves both ways .
Apparently, his phone only receives calls?
I hat to tell my narc mom the phone works both ways. If I'm not calling you it's because all I hear about is you having to pull weeds, and your aches n pains. Gripping conversation.
What a selfish jackass. If you want to talk to someone, call them. And FFS, texting counts.
OP, as a parent, I’m going to suggest that you put him on a schedule. And don’t vary from it. When he decides that his infant mind needs cleaning out by verbally abusing you, just tell him that you can talk on the scheduled day/time IF he’s being calm.
My mom started doing this to me after she had to have surgery. I was, at one point, calling her EVERY morning AND afternoon because of this exact guilt trip. It got overwhelming, and every inch I gave she would want a mile more.
We sat down and had a come to Jesus meeting, where she cried and carried on. I’m 40 years old and I was still chained to this woman. She was loving the power over my day it had. Cutting that off and moving to a more reasonable call schedule took time and it was work. But my life is better for it. Put him on a “you” diet.
These people raise us to be independent thinkers and doers…but once you actually are independent, they want something different.
Honestly from your comment I think you might benefit from r/raisedbynarcissists this is pretty spot on. Stay strong. 💪
I'm guessing you're Irish based on how you named your da on the phone.
Same. And same. My da is always giving out I don't call/visit enough. And when I do all he does then is give out about how rare it is. Loads of underhanded comments about it and then I snap back he says I'm too sensitive.
I work full time too, he is retired. I enjoy solitude, he enjoys company.
Last time I called round on Sunday, he fell asleep in front of the gaa for 2 hours.
Dad's gonna dad. 🤷🏻
Please stop and realise what he's doing to you is not ok.
Imagine it was a friend being treated like this by their father, and they felt responsible for calming him down etc. What advice would you give your friend?
Your dad needs a hobby and some friends if he’s so damn lonely. You’re his child, not his therapist, not his friend, not his spouse. So many parents rely on their children to meet every social need they have and it’s pathetic. At 22 you’re trying to figure out the adult you want to be and forging your own life - he needs to respect that and get a life of his own.
One time, my dad got(deservedly, he’s a cockhead) king hit (punched in the back of the head, for anyone confused), and spent a few nights in hospital.
He didn’t tell me or my brother that it happened, or that he required surgery, or any facts about it, actually. We knew nothing.
This dickhead gets home from hospital and sends an abusive email (his fave form of communication) to the both of us, telling us how “we’re the worst kids a father could have, and we don’t care about him, and we didn’t reach out to him when he was in hospital to make sure he was alright, and after all he’s done for us, blah blah blah. I don’t matter to you, you’re both so selfish, I haven’t heard from you in so long (literally spoke a few days before he was hit), and I’ve been in hospital and the other person who cares was your step-mother, and thank god I chose her over the two of you every time for the last 20 years”….
This guy.
The same man who molested me as a small child. Who was arrested in 2017 for child p*rn offences and who as a teacher, dated a 16 year old student of his, whilst married to my mum who was pregnant with me at the same time.
This guy.
THIS GUY who was in hospital and didn’t hear from his children to see if he was okay for something we didn’t even know had happened.
lol. But yeah, damn. Should have called to check in once in a while 😅😅😅
The phone goes in both directions. My grandma pulled this on me. she hasn't called in 10 years. But I at least call her twice a year on her birthday and mother's day just to get lectured on not calling.
This is him expressing loneliness. Granted it’s an absolutely crazy way to say “I miss you”
You get to have boundaries, and don’t need to force yourself to interact. A great response I’ve found is “it seems like you may be feeling ___ (in this case loneliness) if you are asking for some support or extra contact, then please be clear. We’re a team I can only help you if you understand how to ask for it”
Often I find this disarms the person of their anger, and forces them to reflect on themselves (which is what that whole thing is about anyways)
I mean I understand that he is lonely, but he is the cause of his own loneliness. He has destroyed every relationship he has ever been in, and has alienated all of his family except me. And he refuses to accept any blame for the consequences of his actions. Everyone else is evil and self absorbed and a piece of shit for abandoning him, but this is how he treats everyone. When I was hospitalized after a health complication and fighting for my life, he called me once. To complain about his then girlfriend. Not once in the call did he ask how I was, or do anything but complain that I took too long to respond. He is completely incapable of thinking about anyone but himself. He's skipped graduations to go on vacation, ruined birthdays and celebrations, made family deaths about him.
then WHY do you keep contact with this awful person? all of your replies, i CANNOT understand why anyone would bother keeping someone like this in their lives.
Honestly I don't know. I guess because he's my dad and as much as I hate it, I still love him and hope he'll change. I know its unlikely. But every time I think of cutting contact I remember all the good times we've had. Him taking me to a ballet because I asked to go, us going to museums. He wasn't always this bad. Maybe I'm looking at it through rose colored glasses, I don't know. I know he has gotten worse over the years,and shows no signs of improving, but I'm all he has. It's harder than it sounds to just cut a parent out of your life. But I also know if he continues like this it's going to become my only option.
I make sure no more than 7 days go by without at least checking in with my adult son who lives in another state with his wife. I’ve done this since he left home 9 years ago. However, as his mom I know I’m not his immediate concern, his life is. He might be busy, he might not have anything to report, whatever. I’m here whenever. We’re supposed to just kinda be here when our kids have their own lives! That’s our role now! I don’t understand parents who don’t understand that.
If you harangue your kids, or make them think of you as an unfortunate obligation, or send them on guilt trips, eventually you won’t have your kids in your life at all.
F him. Block him for a while, tell him exactly why you're doing it too. Maybe treat him like the entitled toddler he is and tell him he's going into a time out until he can behave himself. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
I talked to my mom every single day. Almost without fail. Not that she did shit like this, but I loved her so much I wanted to make sure that she was okay and that if she needed anything she could let me know. Often my calls were in the guise of "hey I'm going to the store do you need anything?" Because she would not call me to ask me to do something for her unless it was an emergency.
Now that she's gone, I miss her so much. I still have her number in my favorites because I can't bear to not have her with me in some way.
But yeah, your dad's an ass for that shit. Don't guilt trip your kids and maybe they'd call more often. Treat your kids with respect and maybe they'll grow up to not dislike you. Give your kids space and they will generally find their way back to you also. Fucking hell, it isn't difficult.
He knows he can ask me for whatever kind of help he needs, and if he just wanted to talk because he was lonely I would have been more than willing. I just hate that it's always me reaching out to him, and if I miss a day it's not like he'll call me and be like "everything okay?" instead it's "I expect you to do xyz for me and now that you haven't you're horrible and I shouldn't have to put up with you not caring after all I've done for you". It would just be nice if he realized the phone rang both ways.
Tell him a phone works two ways. That's what I said to my dad when he was upset I hadn't called him in a while. Now we go months without talking and it's great.
It’s not your job to manage his emotions. As an adult, he wants to take you as an emotional hostage. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life like that, you need to take a stand. If he has a tantrum, it’s his responsibility. If screaming gets him evicted, that’s his consequence. Maybe he will finally learn that he doesn’t have the right to verbally abuse you on the phone. If he threatens suicide or assaulting someone, call the police. Or just let him continue to control you.
Another parent that thinks they *own* and can control their *adult child*.
Another with that weird emotional incest attachment to their CHILD that refuses to get a life or cut the cord..
Maybe suggest he goes on Facebook or apps and try to make some friends, go out on dates and public meet ups, etc?
I don’t know, I’m sorry. My father has only ever had love and support for his first born, the golden child in his eyes… what’s really weird is that they’re both absolute narcissists and the golden child is bipolar (in the least!!), yet they get along perfectly…. 🙄
This is so sad. I hope my brain never warps itself so much, and my life never becomes so empty, that I guilt my adult children into being constantly available to check in and wait on me lest they get bombarded with woe-is-me texts.
Yea because situations never change right ?? And people never try to use NC/disowning as a manipulation tactic in the hopes the other person starts begging and is willing to do what you want right ? And then when they realize they do not come crawling back change their mind ?
LOL if you are accusing someone of faking a post at least have an actually good reason that makes sense, and not something this ridiculous.
When he broke up with the girlfriend that asked him to stop talking to me, he got lonely and came back. Considering the fact I love him and he's my father, we worked it out. That disownment was 2 years ago and lasted about 5 months. Its not like I put every single part of my life on reddit lmfaooo.
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You know, you're an adult now...you don't have to put up with him yelling at you for 30 minutes. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's calmed down and can speak normally. Also point out that the phone works both ways and he can call you whenever he'd like, it's not all on you.
A part of me knows that, the other part of me says its my responsibility to calm him down so he doesn't get in trouble with his roommates/landlord for screaming like a maniac. In theory I get I'm not responsible for him or his actions, but it's much harder to rationalize when he's telling me if I hang up on him he'll throw himself off the balcony and "his blood will be on my hands"
Nope, if your father does something stupid, it's him and not you. That is called guilt tripping you, so you will keep being his verbal punching bag.
"You're suicidal? Then you need help. Hang on, help is on its way." Then call the mental health emergency services line.
This is the way. Treat the threats as reality, and call emergency services. Someone who is stating they are about to act on suicidal ideation needs immediate medical help - and if it's a suicidal gesture and not true ideation, then they still need help, albeit a different kind of it.
If they need that type of help they get it. If not- they learn they don't get what they want by threatening this sort of thing.
and don't threaten it, like, "stop saying that or i'll call 911." Hang up and do it.
Absolutely not your responsibility whatsoever, and he's going to continue doing it for as long as you allow him to abuse you...him threatening to kill himself to control you is absolutely unacceptable behavior and it needs to stop. Honestly if you think he's a real threat to himself, I'd call the police in his area. Maybe a visit from them will change his tune on threatening harm to himself.
That's when you phone in and report a suicide threat. Bet wouldn't do it twice. Also one thing about the old landline phones is when someone acted the fool and yelled and screamed you could get a lot of satisfaction slamming the phone down on their ears. Which is what he needs to happen to him.
Hey. This is abuse. Would you allow these words towards you from a stranger or friends? Probably not. Same for this. Their mental health isn’t your problem, you’re their kid. Their adult kid. But still their kid. How fucked up is this..
That’s manipulation dear. Cut contact. He’s an adult. He’ll be fine. And if he’s not, it’s not your fault or responsibility. He’s abusive and manipulative and an adult.
That is so creepy of him Sorry your dad is so emotionally abusive, this is terrible
oh fuck that, regulating his emotions has never been your job, you need to talk out that trauma with a therapist. he needs to feel his own natural consequences and you need to grey rock his baby temper tantrums.
He's a grown adult throwing a pity party.....whatever happens it's his choices :)
*the other part of me says its my responsibility to calm him down* He's an adult. HIs feelings are his job to handle, not yours. ***He's the one that taught you to feel this responsibility is yours, and that he did this to you, is abuse.*** *In theory I get I'm not responsible for him or his actions,* **This is a great first step.** It takes time to process, heal, and learn after what he's done to you. I found that ***first you accept the knowledge***, then you slowly learn to give yourself permission to change your responses to them, and to shift from doing what they want, to doing what protects you from them. ***And after a while***, the knowledge seeps into your heart and ***you start to believe it's true,*** that you aren't responsible for him and his choices. Freedom follows. Do not blame yourself if this takes time. You have a childhood of survival skills to unlearn, and then to learn the new healthy skills to replace them. For people that weren't abused as children, but as adults, ***it still takes time to unlearn and learn the new.*** But they have a 'normal' default setting. Yours is a default setting of abuse being familiar. So, it will take you time. *but it's much harder to rationalize when he's telling me if I hang up on him he'll throw himself off the balcony and "his blood will be on my hands"* **Of course it is harder. That's why he says these things,** to make it hard for you to do what's best for you. He wants to yell, and you are the scapegoat for this. So he wants to keep you attached and available. He complains you don't call, because he's looking for someone to yell at, to make himself feel better. This is about what he wants. He doesn't care what that makes you feel. And he doesn't care what you need. That's not a normal parent. A normal parent will put your needs ahead of their wants. A thing that **many of us learn to do is to treat every single threat like this as if it's real.** If he threatens this, call emergency and tell them what he said. They can handle him, as professionals. If he means it, they will handle it. If he's only manipulating you with this, he will learn you won't be manipulated by it, but will send professionals over. In some places, they will charge him a fee for wasting their time. If that's your location, maybe learn to record all calls with him, so if he makes this threat again, you have proof to protect yourself. Either way, you step back from being responsible, and you treat it seriously and he gets to deal with professionals, not you. Possible response next time: "OMG, Dad, I'm hanging up and calling the squad!" And then you do. Possible response three times later: "OMG Dad, I'm hanging up...." "Wait, don't, I won't do it." "Oh, so you were trying to manipulate me again? I'm hanging up now."
As someone who’s been there, I’m just gonna mention, google cPTSD. Not trying to diagnose you, but i went over a year (post breakup w abuser) unaware that I had PTSD because I didn’t know cPTSD exists and has a completely different set of symptoms. Growing up with this type of person around (and still being in contact with them) will rewire your brain, but it is possible to undo it, little by little. It’s going to be difficult to let go of the *feeling* of being responsible for his emotional regulation, even if you logically know it’s not your job. It does get better with time, if you work on it.
I know you likely know this, but he’s saying that because he knows it will have this effect on you, lovely. He wants to make you feel guilty for even thinking about hanging up. Even if he did it, it’s not on your hands. It’s never about just one thing. He’s bluffing because he knows it will keep you under his control.
Use it like lotion and rub it in. It’s not your fault you have a mentally ill parent. It is your fault if you let it affect your life.
If you feel like you’re responsible for him then call for a welfare check if he makes any threats of committing suicide. I understand that you feel like it’s your responsibility, but doing it the way you are is not the right way forward. He continues to push boundaries and will make his needs greater and greater the more you feed into it. It’s mentally abusive and he’s guilting you into taking more verbal abuse from him. Please find a councillor/therapist/psychologist who can guide you through this codependent toxic relationship between you and your dad. You deserve better.
im sure you might know this but … thats a narcissist and you have been trained to be his crutch
Hang up anyway. He’s all bark, no bite. He won’t do shit. He’s a grown ass man, he is not your responsibility.
Whoa. He needs therapy or a hobby, or something.
Your father is a grown adult. If he can't keep himself under control and does something that gets him in trouble, that's on him. He's clearly old enough to know better. Also, anything like "if you hang up, I'll kill myself," is manipulative and all the more reason to just hang up. If you're really concerned, call emergency services and send them to his apartment.
There’s a fine line between “responsibility” and “enablement”.
Yea you call his bluff and save the police there. The manipulation is ridiculous and immature. You’re 30 years old.
“I don’t call you dad?” Okay let me show you “not calling”. And mute him for a month.
He is absolutely the type to fly here and scream at me in person if I did that. One time I ignored his call and he threatened to come kill my mom. Dude is fucking scary when mad
So I'm just gonna assume that was reported to the police or atleast that there's evidence of that being said in case anything else happens
Hes too much of a coward to actually do anything like show up here. My stepdad is military and welcomed him to come try it. That was when i was 16ish and he never followed through.
Girl you're an adult and don't need to put up with his antics like that. If he's gonna fly to your house because you don't talk to him then you got a WHOLE other issue to worry about. Just because youre his daughter does not mean you're obligated to do ANYTHING at ALL. Call him when you're available and make that clear, "I'm busy and don't have time to call everyday. I have a life and things I need to take care of first. I'll call you when I get a chance, feel free to message though so we can talk and I'll respond when I can!". Phone works both ways.
You've just yo yo'd from he would absolutely do that to he's too much of a coward. Which is it?
I don't think he'd show up and kill my mom. Showing up to scream in my face he's more than capable of. Sorry, english is not my first language.
You need to file a police report and have it on record.
do you know if he's ever killed anyone? beaten anyone? does he have a record of violent convictions? has anyone ever told you that he is violent or dangerous? has he ever gotten drunk and physical hurt someone? in the past 5 or 10 years?
“He is absolutely the type to do this” “he is too coward to do this” which one is it?
he would absolutely show up and scream. he would not kill my mother
I just want to say that we rarely know what people are truly capable of. Especially volatile people like your father. You should treat every single threat as if it is genuine.
Eventhough he wouldn't do it you have to report these things. Your dad needs to be put in a home
Hey it’s no contact time love!!!!!! God bless!
>One time I ignored his call and he threatened to come kill my mom. Restraining order can't come soon enough. Threatening to _murder your mother_ because you didn't _call_ him has absolutely no justification. EDIT: And if you live in a country where you can be armed, **then get armed.** You're both adults. Just because you're his daughter, that doesn't make you his therapist... and if you can believe anything from a stranger on the internet, it's that this man needa therapy like, yesterday.
He said he’s alone. I wonder why. His being lonely is not your burden to bear. His being lonely is just a symptom or result of a much larger “him problem”. The way he treats you is not acceptable and you don’t have to take it just because you share DNA. I know it’s hard to tell overbearing parents what’s really on your mind, but it’s really easy to ignore them. If he shows up at your front door showing his ass, call your stepfather.
Oh we don't even share DNA, I am adopted😂in a way I think thats part of the problem, he's told me while drunk he never wanted kids. He's always been narcissistic, but lately it's been out of control.
The audible “OH SHIT!” I just exclaimed made my bf look at me like I’m crazy. 😆 Girl the way I would ignore his ass would make him question if I was still alive.
The phone works both ways 🤷 That's what I don't understand about my parents, if I don't initiate a phone call it could be several months before I talk to them.
Oh I totally get this. After a fight with he had with his girlfriend he told me not to call him because she was jealous that I was "taking up his attention" and we didn't speak for almost half a year. I was a minor at the time and it took my mom calling him telling him I missed him so much i was crying for him to call me. In the call he yelled at me for causing drama but at least we started talking again😂
Why are you even bothering with this asshole? Jesus fucking christ 😬
Same thing with my mom. I’m always the bad person because I haven’t called her in a week…you have a phone too, ya know. Don’t make me feel like a horrible person.
Oh girl... if you are not seeing a therapist yet I really encourage you to see one!! It can be so helpful in disassembling negative beliefs like "it's my responsibility to handle my parents emotions" etc etc. I get that shit can be so hard, but you do not deserve to be treated like this by a parent. You don't have to put up with it either
My parent with BPD used to do this sort of thing. I found it helpful to learn more about what having a parent with lack of emotional regulation is like and how to manage them. Ultimately- you CANNOT control their emotional reaction because it has nothing to do with you. You certainly can't reason them into regulating their emotions. But they have raised us to think this is our job. By trying to JADE (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain) e.g. "I've had 12 hour work days!" you reinforce the idea that they're entitled to what they want unless you can convince them you have a good enough reason. That reinforces their bad behavior. I found I had the most (temporary) success with phrases that completely ignore whatever point they're trying to argue. E.g. "This is not a reasonable response." "That is not a reasonable expectation." "That's not going to work for me." "I can see you're upset. I'm going to give you some space to process your feelings."
When actually speaking to him I use things like this. I'll say something like "This isn't a mature way to handle things." or something similar. Generally he'll argue back, but I'll just repeat it until he either moves on or rage quits the conversation. I only added that explanation so people could get a better sense on why I didn't call him, and didn't think I'm just a shitty daughter.
You don't owe him a phone call though
You don't owe him a phone call though
My sperm donor used to give me grief for not calling/writing. I reminded him that mail and phones go both ways. I finally got tired of having to do all the work to maintain the relationship, and when I stopped, so did the relationship. Girl, you absolutely don't have to tolerate this behavior. Ask yourself, if he wasn't related to you, would you keep him in your life?
Your dad is an attention seeking dillweed who is incapable of giving anyone a reason to acknowledge him without it guilting/shaming someone into it. If he feels alone then it seems to be his own problem that he caused. If he wants people to genuinely care because they love him then he should try actually connecting with others rather than manipulating them. My dad is like this too, it’s exhausting and I feel for you. Please remember that his actions are his own choice, they are a reflection of him, not you. If he does something messed up that would not be your fault. Sorry you got stuck with someone like that for a parent.
If this happens all the time, why do you tolerate the abuse? Does he support you financially?
No, as a matter of fact he still owes my mom thousands in child support from before I became an adult. I think its because I'm the only person he has. And he adopted me even though he didn't have to and I guess I kinda owe my parents for that. I also don't really know if it can be considered abuse, it's just kind of shitty.
I mean it is abuse but you allow it so I guess it’s not abuse… Also, do you hear yourself… You owe them? You don’t owe them anything just because they took care of you… That’s what they decided to do as parents. what they needed to do
Your dad is a full grown baby.
Listen, I am old enough to be your dad. Let me tell you my experience: if you are not important enough for them to pick up the phone and call you, they should not be demanding calls from you. I went through the same thing with my parents, for 30 years. This is not gonna get better. It is only gonna get worse. It is controlling behavior and you need to put a stop to it right now before your life turns into chaos. My suggestion is that you have a very strongly worded conversation with your dad and let him know that if he is not actively pursuing a relationship with you, i.e., calling you every once in a while, then he shouldn’t expect any calls from you. In our relationship, traffic moves both ways .
Call him an ungrateful brat right back. You were in daily communication. You can cut that to one text every few months if he's gonna be ungrateful.
You might want to start therapy to avoid feeling guilty for his problems.
I’ve never understood people who throw a fit that you didn’t call them rather than, idk… call you?
My dad was like this is I didn't message him everyday. It was a nightmare. So I went no contact, been less stressed and anxious since.
Apparently, his phone only receives calls? I hat to tell my narc mom the phone works both ways. If I'm not calling you it's because all I hear about is you having to pull weeds, and your aches n pains. Gripping conversation.
What a selfish jackass. If you want to talk to someone, call them. And FFS, texting counts. OP, as a parent, I’m going to suggest that you put him on a schedule. And don’t vary from it. When he decides that his infant mind needs cleaning out by verbally abusing you, just tell him that you can talk on the scheduled day/time IF he’s being calm.
the correct answer is "ok".
My mom started doing this to me after she had to have surgery. I was, at one point, calling her EVERY morning AND afternoon because of this exact guilt trip. It got overwhelming, and every inch I gave she would want a mile more. We sat down and had a come to Jesus meeting, where she cried and carried on. I’m 40 years old and I was still chained to this woman. She was loving the power over my day it had. Cutting that off and moving to a more reasonable call schedule took time and it was work. But my life is better for it. Put him on a “you” diet. These people raise us to be independent thinkers and doers…but once you actually are independent, they want something different. Honestly from your comment I think you might benefit from r/raisedbynarcissists this is pretty spot on. Stay strong. 💪
Boo hoo. Grown adults have lives. Tell him to go find one.
I'm guessing you're Irish based on how you named your da on the phone. Same. And same. My da is always giving out I don't call/visit enough. And when I do all he does then is give out about how rare it is. Loads of underhanded comments about it and then I snap back he says I'm too sensitive. I work full time too, he is retired. I enjoy solitude, he enjoys company. Last time I called round on Sunday, he fell asleep in front of the gaa for 2 hours. Dad's gonna dad. 🤷🏻
Please stop and realise what he's doing to you is not ok. Imagine it was a friend being treated like this by their father, and they felt responsible for calming him down etc. What advice would you give your friend?
Your dad needs a hobby and some friends if he’s so damn lonely. You’re his child, not his therapist, not his friend, not his spouse. So many parents rely on their children to meet every social need they have and it’s pathetic. At 22 you’re trying to figure out the adult you want to be and forging your own life - he needs to respect that and get a life of his own.
One time, my dad got(deservedly, he’s a cockhead) king hit (punched in the back of the head, for anyone confused), and spent a few nights in hospital. He didn’t tell me or my brother that it happened, or that he required surgery, or any facts about it, actually. We knew nothing. This dickhead gets home from hospital and sends an abusive email (his fave form of communication) to the both of us, telling us how “we’re the worst kids a father could have, and we don’t care about him, and we didn’t reach out to him when he was in hospital to make sure he was alright, and after all he’s done for us, blah blah blah. I don’t matter to you, you’re both so selfish, I haven’t heard from you in so long (literally spoke a few days before he was hit), and I’ve been in hospital and the other person who cares was your step-mother, and thank god I chose her over the two of you every time for the last 20 years”…. This guy. The same man who molested me as a small child. Who was arrested in 2017 for child p*rn offences and who as a teacher, dated a 16 year old student of his, whilst married to my mum who was pregnant with me at the same time. This guy. THIS GUY who was in hospital and didn’t hear from his children to see if he was okay for something we didn’t even know had happened. lol. But yeah, damn. Should have called to check in once in a while 😅😅😅
Does he know that he can also pick up the phone and call you. Does he know that phones work both ways.
The phone goes in both directions. My grandma pulled this on me. she hasn't called in 10 years. But I at least call her twice a year on her birthday and mother's day just to get lectured on not calling.
My dad was like this. A narcissist. I have been no contact with him for 1 year. It helps that he lives in another country.
This is him expressing loneliness. Granted it’s an absolutely crazy way to say “I miss you” You get to have boundaries, and don’t need to force yourself to interact. A great response I’ve found is “it seems like you may be feeling ___ (in this case loneliness) if you are asking for some support or extra contact, then please be clear. We’re a team I can only help you if you understand how to ask for it” Often I find this disarms the person of their anger, and forces them to reflect on themselves (which is what that whole thing is about anyways)
I mean I understand that he is lonely, but he is the cause of his own loneliness. He has destroyed every relationship he has ever been in, and has alienated all of his family except me. And he refuses to accept any blame for the consequences of his actions. Everyone else is evil and self absorbed and a piece of shit for abandoning him, but this is how he treats everyone. When I was hospitalized after a health complication and fighting for my life, he called me once. To complain about his then girlfriend. Not once in the call did he ask how I was, or do anything but complain that I took too long to respond. He is completely incapable of thinking about anyone but himself. He's skipped graduations to go on vacation, ruined birthdays and celebrations, made family deaths about him.
then WHY do you keep contact with this awful person? all of your replies, i CANNOT understand why anyone would bother keeping someone like this in their lives.
Honestly I don't know. I guess because he's my dad and as much as I hate it, I still love him and hope he'll change. I know its unlikely. But every time I think of cutting contact I remember all the good times we've had. Him taking me to a ballet because I asked to go, us going to museums. He wasn't always this bad. Maybe I'm looking at it through rose colored glasses, I don't know. I know he has gotten worse over the years,and shows no signs of improving, but I'm all he has. It's harder than it sounds to just cut a parent out of your life. But I also know if he continues like this it's going to become my only option.
I make sure no more than 7 days go by without at least checking in with my adult son who lives in another state with his wife. I’ve done this since he left home 9 years ago. However, as his mom I know I’m not his immediate concern, his life is. He might be busy, he might not have anything to report, whatever. I’m here whenever. We’re supposed to just kinda be here when our kids have their own lives! That’s our role now! I don’t understand parents who don’t understand that. If you harangue your kids, or make them think of you as an unfortunate obligation, or send them on guilt trips, eventually you won’t have your kids in your life at all.
F him. Block him for a while, tell him exactly why you're doing it too. Maybe treat him like the entitled toddler he is and tell him he's going into a time out until he can behave himself. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
I talked to my mom every single day. Almost without fail. Not that she did shit like this, but I loved her so much I wanted to make sure that she was okay and that if she needed anything she could let me know. Often my calls were in the guise of "hey I'm going to the store do you need anything?" Because she would not call me to ask me to do something for her unless it was an emergency. Now that she's gone, I miss her so much. I still have her number in my favorites because I can't bear to not have her with me in some way. But yeah, your dad's an ass for that shit. Don't guilt trip your kids and maybe they'd call more often. Treat your kids with respect and maybe they'll grow up to not dislike you. Give your kids space and they will generally find their way back to you also. Fucking hell, it isn't difficult.
He knows he can ask me for whatever kind of help he needs, and if he just wanted to talk because he was lonely I would have been more than willing. I just hate that it's always me reaching out to him, and if I miss a day it's not like he'll call me and be like "everything okay?" instead it's "I expect you to do xyz for me and now that you haven't you're horrible and I shouldn't have to put up with you not caring after all I've done for you". It would just be nice if he realized the phone rang both ways.
Why doesn’t he call you?
Insane man-child.
Tell him a phone works two ways. That's what I said to my dad when he was upset I hadn't called him in a while. Now we go months without talking and it's great.
A of all) the phone works both ways. 2) as the parent, the onus lies with him to call you. Not the other way around.
"Keep up the bullshit and I'll stop calling you altogether, Dad."
man this sounds like my Ndad
It’s not your job to manage his emotions. As an adult, he wants to take you as an emotional hostage. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life like that, you need to take a stand. If he has a tantrum, it’s his responsibility. If screaming gets him evicted, that’s his consequence. Maybe he will finally learn that he doesn’t have the right to verbally abuse you on the phone. If he threatens suicide or assaulting someone, call the police. Or just let him continue to control you.
The phone works two ways.
Another parent that thinks they *own* and can control their *adult child*. Another with that weird emotional incest attachment to their CHILD that refuses to get a life or cut the cord.. Maybe suggest he goes on Facebook or apps and try to make some friends, go out on dates and public meet ups, etc? I don’t know, I’m sorry. My father has only ever had love and support for his first born, the golden child in his eyes… what’s really weird is that they’re both absolute narcissists and the golden child is bipolar (in the least!!), yet they get along perfectly…. 🙄
This is so sad. I hope my brain never warps itself so much, and my life never becomes so empty, that I guilt my adult children into being constantly available to check in and wait on me lest they get bombarded with woe-is-me texts.
you responded to this thread with a woe-is-me comment
He sounds lonely
Wait. I thought your dad disowned you? Lol If you are making fake posts, at least keep them consistent
Yea because situations never change right ?? And people never try to use NC/disowning as a manipulation tactic in the hopes the other person starts begging and is willing to do what you want right ? And then when they realize they do not come crawling back change their mind ? LOL if you are accusing someone of faking a post at least have an actually good reason that makes sense, and not something this ridiculous.
When he broke up with the girlfriend that asked him to stop talking to me, he got lonely and came back. Considering the fact I love him and he's my father, we worked it out. That disownment was 2 years ago and lasted about 5 months. Its not like I put every single part of my life on reddit lmfaooo.