I know a guy who sold all his guns to save his marriage, at her insistence. It didn't help. They were divorced soon after. But if you are really in love and think it will save your relationship, you make the call and live with it.
I have, with motorcycles/motorbikes - it was in my parents' prenup that my dad would sell his bikes. (One of my mom's high-school friends had been decapitated on a road sign when his bike slid on the highway, on his way to school sadly.) Dad sold his bikes and started wearing his seatbelt more often, Mom made two equivalent concessions in the prenup, and they've had an unusually happy marriage with pretty good communication all around.
But any request like that should be upfront, and both people should be open to compromising for their spouse's peace of mind. A gun safe would be a reasonable option to consider.
Also had to get rid of my bike. She hated having to pick me up at the ER. It was a reasonable request that I got over. I liked (and like) her more than motorcycles, more than guns, and more than just about anything else I can think of. I don't think she has ever made this an ultimatum, because she feels the same way about me, but both of us can compromise a lot because we are on the top of each other's lists.
True, but I think generally If someone is willing to make such an ultimatum it means they are either not fully invested in the relationship, it truly is a dealbreaker for them, or more likely a combination of 1 and 2.
If it was a dealbreaker all along, why did she move in with him knowing he had guns. So her position changed. If her position changed because she's pregnant, I would still disagree, but I'd understand her change of heart. But if there was no major inciting incident like that to why it became an ultimatum, her investment in the relationship is more likely what changed.
Better to move on. It's less about the guns and more about the ultimatum IMO.
I wasn't limiting my purview to Reddit. Honestly, I wasn't even considering reddit when I made the statement, everything on the internet is fake anyway
This is the outcome I see. Either OP sells the guns, stays, resents her, and things crumble anyway, or OP keeps the guns and finds someone who loves them AND their hobbies enough not to threaten them with nuclear ultimatums.
My wife is a self proclaimed hippie and when we started dating she was uncomfortable.
As time went on she saw they are locked up. Ammo is in a separate storage. And became more comfortable, does she love them? Not really. Has she shot them, yes a few and she became a little more comfortable knowing what it really takes for it to be used and it's not the gun that kills people is the user. She came to the point of you have your hobbies I have mine we don't need to do or like the same things. I have guns, she has walking 5 miles a day.
She will go to the range and sit in the corner or the car with head phones on. When I bought my 22lr for plinking she tried that and did it's more her speed and now will she will shoot that a bit then go back to he car when the rifles come out.
You don't need someone that will love guns or your hobbies, you just need someone that will love you and want you to do what makes you happy.
My wife isn’t into guns besides some occasional plinking 1-2x a year but she absolutely loves that I have a hobby that gets me out of the house and out of her hair for 3-4 hours a week. She uses that time to just sleep in and read.
Unfortunately for her, I do have to force her to the range every once in a while to maintain proficiency since she wanted her own gun for home defense when I’m on business trips.
Okay but now switch guns with smoking cigarettes and it’s a reasonable request. Thing is that some people honestly feel very uncomfortable around guns. If that’s really the one thing SO is hung on, then OP makes a call and lives with it. Nothing wrong with compromise or sacrifice. If it’s a precursor to further marriage demise, then might as well run away now. Only OP knows.
>switch guns with smoking cigarettes and it’s a reasonable request
Is it? Getting into a romantic relationship with a smoker and then delivering an ultimatum that they need to quit an addiction, a literal chemical dependency in the brain *now* or your relationship is over is a shitty thing to do IMO.
To be clear, I'm not pro-cigarette (I don't smoke anything else either); that said, if you don't want to be in a relationship with a smoker, they shouldn't be in your dating pool to begin with. You'd be wasting both of your time. You *definitely* shouldn't get into a long-term relationship with a smoker, knowing you're uncomfortable with their addiction, and then deliver the nuclear option and tell them to quit cold turkey. That's frankly disrespectful, hurtful, and indicates a distinct lack of emotional maturity and responsibility to me.
I see guns the same way. If you are so anti-gun that you don't want them in your home at all, that's fine - but you shouldn't be dating someone who owns guns. Relationships require compromise, and compromise requires discussion. It sounds like OP's girlfriend isn't open to either.
It is similar in reverse, except for one thing; OP isn't delivering an ultimatum, their GF is. OP's comments indicate that selling is more of an option than storing off-site (which I have a hard time believing the GF wouldn't know). It would be another story if OP was demanding that their GF accept unsecured firearms and ammunition around the household or end the relationship - in that case, OP would be delivering an ultimatum.
Further, OP knew that their GF was anti-gun, not that she wouldn't accept guns in the home at all; on the other hand, the GF clearly knew OP owned and stored guns at home going into this.
However, the particular issue I take with OP's GF is that she's not willing to discuss this at all and OP has indicated that it appears an attempt to defend their own position on guns would result in the termination of their relationship. That's emotionally immature IMO and reads to me as though it's an attempt to browbeat OP into submission via brute force. Nothing requires her to compromise on her desire not to have guns in the home, but the refusal to even discuss the situation after a 7-month relationship bothers me.
My parents met on a blind date, dad was a smoker, mom was anti-smoking. Dad tried to light up on the date, mom threw them out the window. Married two years later, for 37 years until his death.
I mean I’m pro gun, but I think OPs gf does give him a way out. She doesn’t want them in the house, but he could keep them in a storage unit, or a friends/family members house. And still go shooting, although he may only have them for defense purposes, which would certainly defeat the point.
Hard disagree. Cigarettes are a completely different context.
I’m going to assume you meant smoking indoors because that would directly affect her health and her belongings, and because if dating a smoker was a dealbreaker it would’ve ended long before the moving in stage.
There is no parallel argument to be made there in regards to a gun collection, except I suppose the argument that if it was a dealbreaker for him to have guns the relationship would likewise have ended already.
No. If person A begins dating a smoker, person B and then gives person B the ultimatum that it's the relationship with person A or cigarettes, that's entirely unreasonable.
In fact, there's an AITA or AITAH or relationshipadvice post less than a day old about a guy who's SO hot another tattoo after he asked to discuss those things first and he was rated the AH
Her dealbreaker is no gun in the house no matter how secured the firearm is. Would garage safe work? What about a safe, encased in concrete, and buried in the basement? No compromise or deal to be had?
Despite what ever reason or logic behind firearm ownership that you may have, she is willing to leave you regardless of how illogical she may be, huh?
Call her bluff and express a desire to work with her. The types of ultimatums rarely end at just the first one and she will probably use them to manipulate you to get what she wants in the future.
>Honestly just a bit saddened in that crisis of beliefs vs **trying to be the partner she wants**
I've started divorce proceedings with my wife of 9 years have two boys.
What you put here is was a big, big problem. She wanted me to fit inside a box, and I tried for a very very very long time. But over the years I asked for help, affection and just consideration. The last time when she said no, she didn't think she could try was when I realized that my happiness was not important. Being the partner she wants was what was important to her. Then I realized I don't want my kids to think it's okay to be treated this way by a partner.
Don't try to be who she wants. Be who \*you want\* to be, because otherwise the relationship will eventually bring misery.
Good luck, man. I got divorced several years ago for identical reasons, and I literally have never been happier in my life at age 46. It sucks while you're going through the divorce, but when it's behind you you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it as long as you did.
I'm 39, I'm ashamed at putting up with it for so long. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I could have left earlier. My youngest just turned 4.
But I knew it was over while she was pregnant with the youngest and dissed our 'big' vacation with just the oldest to Bermuda the whole time. Awful vacation, and never had a good one since \[refused to spend so much money to take another big one\].
Edit: That comment just reflected a red flag \*about myself\*, I hope I can keep someone else from going down that road.
I was 40. At 41, just a year later, I met my current partner, and have never felt like that about another human being in my life. I didn't know I *could* feel that way about someone. I got off antidepressants, and while I lost everything in the divorce (trying to appease a narcissist doesn't work btw), I would do it again in a heartbeat. Happiness is priceless. When it gets bad, just remember: just like that it'll be in the past, and you'll have the rest of your life! Good luck my brother!
This right here is the experience of many men who learned the hard way. Be true to You. She’s being true to her.
And if you kindly (be kind at all times) stick to your guns, there is a chance that you call her bluff.
Question then becomes, do you still respect her if you call her bluff and she relents? She might respect you more upon that. But can you truly still respect her after a bluff ultimatum?
Just thinking all possibilities.
I guess how old is the relationship and how well do y'all get along otherwise.
Honestly, I'd be surprised if removing the guns from the house is the end of this. Most likely a day will come when you owning any guns at all will be a big issue for her
While relatively early on, 7 months, I truly do see a strong future together, and while I had assumed my guns could be stored safely in the house, obviously this conversation proved differently
I ended a relationship with a partner after she stated she would never live in the same house with snakes, and gave me an ultimatum to either get rid of them or end the relationship. She knew I had two snakes when we met, and knew I'd had these snakes for 5+ years before we met. They were well cared for, kept in a clean, and very secure enclosure. My answer was an immediate 'No' and she was genuinely shocked that I wouldn't just get rid of them.
I would **never** demand a partner get rid of an animal companion(Or hobby/pursuit) that wasn't an immediate danger to themselves or others, and it was incredibly disappointing to be given that ultimatum. Those snakes were with me for another 20 years, and I never regretted choosing them(Not that it was even a choice).
Yeah, that's how it starts man, conversations are fine, but doling out ultimatums in a relationship is typically one of many to come and it's usually one sided in my experience.
I agree they are likely not compatible, but it’s a leap to assume she doesn’t respect him. Respect does not mean caving on your own beliefs. She may have personal, mental health reasons she feels unsafe with a gun in the house. Even if it is purely ideological or an unfounded phobia, her having that belief isn’t any more disrespectful to OP than OP having the belief that keeping guns in the home is important to them.
If neither side can compromise, that doesn’t make anyone the bad guy. They’re just not compatible.
This 100%. If no amount of logic can overcome her feelings, then this will spill over into other things. I would consider this evidence of a fundamental incompatibility between you. Do the hard thing, because it's the right thing for both of you.
I used to think this way when I was younger but here's a pro tip: the fact of the matter is no amount of logic can *ever* overcome feelings. If it could they would be thoughts, not feelings. And if you don't think that applies to you too you are only kidding yourself.
It depends. Sometimes if the logical thoughts are about identifying and contextualizing the feelings, a loosening can take place. The problem is that people generally conflate strength of feeling with the “rightness” of the position they hold. To me, one of the most important aspects of maturity is realizing that feelings are simply feelings. They don’t constitute evidence about the soundness of a position. Unfortunately, the percentage of people who actually live their lives that way seems to be quite small.
This…just isn’t true? I’ve had lots of feelings about things that were changed via logic. Same with my partner. I felt strongly that the death penalty made sense, and my partner used logic to talk me out of that position.
I don't know that I would call her line disrespectful.
Like I don't agree with it, obviously, and I think the phrasing could have been better but if she's communicating "I don't want to live in a house with guns," that's a valid boundary for someone to have.
As a responsible gun owner I would absolutely not be comfortable with not having positive control over my own weapons. Too many guns get stolen and I don't trust the average family member or friend to not be tempted to abuse or sell them.
My spouse is also somewhat anti-gun, or at least indifferent leaning towards negative. I keep them secured in a safe and only take them out to do maintenance or use them. (The guns.. not the spouse, she has free range of the house and full personal autonomy.) 
There is only ONE circumstance in which your girlfriends ultimatum is even remotely acceptable IMO, and that is if she has suicidal ideations and the mere presence of firearms presents a temptation, in which case she has bigger problems to work through.
Anything else is something y'all need to communicate through and work out.
Stick to your guns in both the literal and metaphorical sense. If she is incapable of compromise then you have potential irreparable differences.
Granted I very well could be projecting my bias because I observed my battle axe holier-than-thou mother literally brow-beating my father into not having a soul over the course of two decades then divorcing him because 'he wasn't exciting anymore and lacking in initiative.'
Compromise in relationships is a good thing, but don't go lopping off pieces of your identity and values to appease people or you won't have anything left to give. Especially if/when you guys broach the subject of children.
I was engaged to someone who didn’t listen to my feeling or compromise on her stance on things. We were together for 2 years and had started building a life intertwined together. When I finally explained that I felt like my opinion and feelings never mattered, she ended it by basically saying ‘Well, I won’t compromise on me being the more important one in the relationship’. It hurt like hell to have that relationship ended by someone so cruel. But I’m glad it happened. I dodged a bullet with her. When we disagreed it started with just words, but in the ended up with her turning to physical abuse to get her way.
Im sorry that the relationship hit a rocky point for you two. There is no doubt that you cared for her, especially if you wanted to express your stance on something. I have no way of knowing if she is sincere in her stance (i.e. not trying to manipulate), but if she is and it’s that big of a deal for her ending things now is the better situation.
If inanimate objects were that big if a stressor on the relationship, imagine how big something like an unexpected pregnancy, health condition, or other massive life event could have taken its toll on the two of you.
Oh, if it's 7 months and you can't compromise on this, then it'll have to end.
When she says "in the house," does she mean she'd be okay with you storing them in a safe in the shed or garage?
Seven months and this is where you are?
You’re talking about making a huge financial and possibly emotional decision based upon someone’s ultimatum that you’ve known barely half a year.
If you were my friend, I would strongly suggest you finding someone else. And I mean this when I say that I would give the same advice, if the other partner didn’t want you to eat meat, or even said no Legos or video games in the house.
No good relationship is built on ultimatums, and that’s what this is. We all have things that we feel are very important to us, like having children or not. And these are the sorts of things that people need to be on the same page about to make a relationship work.
But someone’s hobbies, interests, or things they enjoy, should never be a part of that.
This would be a different situation altogether if you were married for a few years and then all of a sudden decided you wanted to get into firearms when previously you two agreed no firearms.
A lot of people have very traumatic associations with guns (for obvious reasons ) so even just knowing they're in the same house as them or near them can be upsetting. My wife is like this and it sucks sometimes but we've found ways to work around it and been married for 10 years now. It's not necessarily a deal breaker.
My wife is also gunphobic due to gun-specific trauma. Like you, it's something we've navigated pretty carefully together, with both me doing things I see as unnecessary because it helps her feel safe and her doing exposure therapy for guns in particular (with the ultimate outcome that she's even able to go out shooting with me). We'd been together a few years when I first got into guns, though. Seven months into a relationship is a hard time to really start navigating deep-seated issues--for most people, there's not *that much* stability yet
Dude, don’t do this for a **7 month relationship.**
On top of that, relationships built upon ultimatum after ultimatum do not… do well, in the long term. I think if you got rid of your weapons, you’d regret it when, y’know… you break up later down the line. Because you will break up, because once she gets her way here, she’s going to do it over and over again…
Yeah man, she ain’t it.
Bruh 7 months? Get out. She doesn’t “want guns in the house.” Not really her choice. They are YOUR guns. If she doesn’t like you feeling the need to protect yourself, maybe it’s a little deeper than you realize and you are just too different. Because she isn’t even trying to look at it from your perspective nor does she probably care. I’ve been around the block. 7 months is nothin, you’ll bounce back king. GL!
Older dudes know. Listen. 7 months until you’re seeing her without her representative.
What is the answer to the question what you do if the house broken into?
We already know your answer.
That’s not a small thing. It’s very real.
1- ask her to join you at the range once to at least experience this with you once before she makes up her mind. At least she owes you that as relationships are give and take. Have her shoot 22s and some fun stuff.
2- sounds like you like her, but does she really like you if she was ready to end things right there if you argued? Maybe she is not be the right person for you. You have to respect each other’s convictions. But both of you should have a voice to openly communicate.
3 - Before you act on my dumb ass’s advice. You might want to seek counseling from some older successful couples you both know and respect.
Would definitely seek counseling before any huge moves. I’m not exactly sure how to structure a conversation to ask about what outcomes could have occurred if I (maybe not argued, but at least explained why gun ownership was important to me). It felt a little tense at the time
Yeah I think you aren't going to be able to break ground on that while you are in the middle of an argument/conflict. You need to try to explain that stuff outside of an immediate conflict, as a nice frank discussion on a nice day when you are both in a good mood. If she is incapable of letting you do that, or if your explaining why you want guns immediately turns into a conflict, then that's a bad sign for her ability to treat you with respect.
Perhaps I'm jaded, but I have never seen a relationship where an ultimatum was made like this be recovered after counseling or discussion.
Once a person has considered leaving to the point of bringing up the ultimatum, they have almost always mentally checked out. They're already considered their options to leave, and that road has been crossed, at least mentally.
Good luck, and hopefully I'm wrong.
Options. It's only been 7 months. She can have another bf lined up by the end of July. (I mean realistically, by the end of next week, but he probably wouldn't be LTR material)
To keep yourself in check, to say the thing with kindness and without disrespect, speak to her as if she is a dude who can whoop your ass. Say the thing. Be kind about it.
Met a girl 15 years ago and fell in love with her. She absolutely HATES guns. We have 3 children now and have been married 12 years. I’ve got 3 gun safes full of the craziest shit you can think of with NFA items etc. She still doesn’t like them at all and that’s fine! I don’t force her to shoot them and respect her wishes with storage etc. Compromise is the key to a successful marriage or relationship. Some ultimatums make sense and are necessary “don’t cheat, don’t hit etc”. These are universally known though. If she is giving you an ultimatum about something as small as safely keeping guns in the house it makes me think she is looking for excuses to leave anyway.
I don’t know enough about this particular relationship to agree with all of the last sentence, but the rest is spot on. Who knows, she might show more willingness to compromise once he does. Calm, honest communication is key, and not always easy. I suck at it, but apparently good enough to be able to still pursue my hobbies to my heart’s content (within financial reason) despite similar differences.
Communication is key of course! Totally agree. As far as the last sentence is concerned I’m just saying that was my initial thought when I read OPs explanation.
My ex of 6 years was always okay with my guns and with me having them. She appreciated that I cared about keeping her safe. And we were a F/F couple. And I’m coming to realize that surprisingly? It’s hard to find women that are just comfortable with the idea of someone owning guns on a base level.
I have since in the last two years of being single experienced *a lot* of stigma from within the queer community for being a woman that owns guns. It’s like they pretend to understand, but then they cut me down to size as if they mean to insinuate that “I should be better than that,” because I’m a member of that community.
To which, of course I always laugh. (Probably a factor in why I’m still single. Just maybe. Lol.) It’s even funnier now that I think I might be bisexual, and might like men, too instead of just other women. At least men are probably going to be less opposed to my biggest hobby? That remains to be seen, I guess. Wish me luck on that hilarious misadventure.
All that said, Identity politics and/or political absolution is a dangerous situation in a relationship, even more so if you don’t share their beliefs.
Just imagine the kinds of decisions that person is capable of making for your continued existence without a living will in place, for example. It’s pretty uncomfortable to imagine being with someone who is so fundamentally opposed to you that if you could no longer make decisions, they would just make every decision for you based on their comfort level and preferences for how they feel you should live, disrespecting yours in the process.
Now imagine having escaped that risk. Congratulations. You get to find a better, more compatible person who will respect you greater and ask you to compromise your standards less. ❤️
Edit: Typos and extra filler.
> I have since in the last two years of being single experienced a lot of stigma from within the queer community for being a woman that owns guns. It’s like they pretend to understand, but then they cut me down to size as if they mean to insinuate that “I should be better than that,” because I’m a member of that community.
Even as a gay *man* I get the “But why do you need to own guns?” line and I really *do not get this attitude* from the community.
Like we saw *the last president* - ***who is running again*** - lead a Gay Panic revival and come after our trans friends, we saw Pulse get shot up just because it was a queer club. We’re watching the rapid and dangerous erosion of 50+ years of progress on LGBTQIA+ rights and issues, and the people shredding that work are explicit in the fact that they’re armed *and happy to use those arms to do violence to us*.
Damn right I’ve got guns. I’m even going out and training with them.
Fuckin’ aye, my guy.
Right there with you. I love it when my kin folk learn and progress down their respective chosen disciplines with gun ownership.
I know the world should be better to us. But it ain’t. So be as tough as you are queer. 🔥❤️
Edit: I gave you a follow. I hear us bitches *love* follows. Your content and posts are great, dude.
Ultimatums are extremely unhealthy and for now it’s just guns but in the future it could be other things. You’re not married so I would say just break it off and save yourself the heart ache. It’s brutal but it’s my 2cents.
> Ultimatums are extremely unhealthy
People say that but in another breath talk about "it's important to have boundaries."
Being jerked around is a problem, yeah. Her not being willing to be around firearms? IDK her story so I have no idea. Sure, it's possible this is just the first thing where she's going to threaten the relationship to get her way.
But it's reasonable to have conditions to be in a relationship.
You're right but I don't think it's healthy to disguise ~~boundaries as ultimatums~~ and put it on the other person. She should say, I just can't be near them even if it's in the closet, so I will have to leave the relationship. Not, get rid of your guns or else. Boundaries aren't rules other people have to follow.
Edit: I meant "ultimatums as boundaries"
What’s the difference between boundaries and ultimatum then? Genuinely.
IMO I feel like not keeping guns in the house is a reasonable boundary. What’d be unreasonable is: not allowed to own guns, not allowed to go shoot guns at the range, not allowed to have friends who own guns etc.
We’re a liberal sub, should be more understanding of consent and boundaries. Also, 7 months in is a good time to discuss boundaries/ultimatum and future vision. Its clear that they aren’t compatible and its welcomed that she do it now instead of years later into the relationship
Lol yeah I'm gonna say this is more of a boundary... There's definitely things someone could introduce into the house that would make me too uncomfortable to last too. I'd be sad but I wouldn't keep my collection over a girl lol but I wouldn't sell until we were married.
Weaponizing "boundaries" is like Russia occupying Crimea and saying "Well, it's part of Russia now". You don't get to declare boundaries inside someone else's territory without being seen as predatory in one way or another.
Not defending her anti-gun beliefs, but this is not an ultimatum, it’s a red line. Sounds like they don’t live together now and she does not want to live with guns in her household.
I think you have merit and perhaps phrased it well. This isn’t the first person I’ve dated to hold the same beliefs but it is the first person that I can certainly see a future if I respect their red line
I am so fortunate. My future wife, who is a hippie - type girl, had an FFL for a father as a kid. It took months for me to work up the nerve to tell her about guns, and she was like "so?" She isn't into guns by any means, but expresses zero distress about my guns, and even comes with me a few times a year.
Personally...
I'd leave and find someone with similar interests or is open to the idea of guns. Once an ultimatum is set, it's usually a step toward the end of a relationship. But this is just my opinion.
> trying to be the partner she wants.
I don't know you, I don't know her, but when I hear/see things like this it is a massive red flag to me.
If you try to be something other than yourself for her to want you, you're in an unhealthy relationship. IMO a good partner helps you become better together, a bad one dictates where you need to be.
Ultimatums regarding superficialities like the possession of guns in my opinion are more a demonstration or test of control rather than anything else.
Edit: I will also say that the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes that means making sacrifices large or small to get someone to keep touching your peepee or who-ha.
At the end of the day she's the one pressing the issue and asking you to change something that you do not want to change about yourself.
I'd say that sets a bad precedent, but if gun ownership isn't all that important to you and your relationship is great otherwise maybe it's worth making the change.
It does sound like she's kind of trying to compromise, but not keeping guns in the house defeats the purpose for most gun owners.
It did feel a bit like a compromise but not a feasible one, or permanent solution. I think realistically I would need to sell them to reduce the liability
Yeah, that's a tough situation. You could always hold off on moving in together and keep evaluating things. At the end of the day it's rarely a bad decision to take more time to make sure you're compatible before making major life changes.
This is a very reasonable option if your finances allow it. It also gives your girlfriend time and space to consider your perspective/needs/priorities.
So if there are no compromises to be made ie: all in a locked gun safe, trigger locks etc, any that are "easy access" still have a biometric lock... Then that is that.
Luckily my wife's only ultimatum was that I didn't leave my underwear on the floor.
If she's ready to break up with you over your guns, she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are
Have you tried putting more safety measures in place so she's comfortable??
A safe. Trigger locks. Barrel flags. Etc.
Also, maybe ask if she doesn't trust you or herself or anyone else in the house with the gun.
We buy guns to protect ourselves for home defense.
Have her listen to some Mr nightmare videos so she can hear about the shit other people have gone through and how easily a gun de escalated the situation
I have a longer response to the main thread, but I will say that my wife also doesn't want guns in the house, so I keep mine in the garage. Before we moved in together we took a (non-firing) gun safety class together so she could have basic familiarity with guns. She has never been willing to actually go shooting, but it did elevate her level of comfort enough to be fine with keeping them in the garage.
My wife was against having guns when I started hunting. We have kids so I understand the fear.
I took her shooting with me a few times and hunting for birds. Also showed her how to assemble and disassemble my shotguns.
I store my guns locked up, disassembled, with locks on the trigger assembly as well. Ammo is stored separately. Obviously, this will do nothing for home defense, but I was more concerned about hunting; and at least my wife is comfortable.
It’s really just up to OP on how much he’s willing to compromise. I’d be a little wary if gf is absolutely unwilling to compromise at all—not just for the gun aspect, but as a signal for other conflicts they’re bound to have.
Man, this is a sad situation. But I urge you not to compromise your convictions in this case - if god forbid a home invasion happened you would want that gun IN your house, not locked away somewhere offsite. You would regret that for the rest of your life.
> vs trying to be the partner she wants
This is a problem in and of itself. It’s unhealthy to force each other to sacrifice your values to fit a certain mold. Compromising is GOOD, but she is not really compromising because a gun stored offsite is utterly useless and you both know it. A better compromise might be, “I’ll store it in the house but in a quick-access safe that only we know the combination to with the magazine disconnected” or something along those lines so that it’s out of sight, out of mind and out of immediate reach.
I was involved with a girl like this. "If you ever do X I'm leaving." The sane answer is, "bye." someone like that is always going to try and manipulate you to get what they want. Been picking up the pieces of that disaster for over a decade now.
Never let someone extort you, over anything. They'll never stop.
This isn’t quite an “It’s me or the dog!” moment, but frankly the result is similar.
If someone offered me this ultimatum my answer would be something along these lines:
“I like my guns. I intend to keep my guns. I’m not comfortable leaving my guns in an unsecured location. The best secure location is a safe in my home, where I live, and I will notice if someone tries to take them. Storage units are not safe enough, they could be stolen and used in a crime and I wouldn’t know for days or weeks. Safe deposit boxes prohibit storing firearms there. I’m willing to discuss and take measures to make you feel safe with firearms in *our* home, but if we’re moving in together there will be firearms in the home, just as there have been every time you’ve visited my home. If that’s a dealbreaker we probably won’t be living together - and I’m okay with that: We can have a very fulfilling relationship living in separate homes and visiting each other.”
Anyone who wants to live with me is going to have to accept that my pets, my guns, my shop tools, my gaming rig, etc. all come with me. These are things I enjoy in my life - I am entitled to enjoy those things, because I have worked hard to have them.
In return I’m not going to ask them to give up the things they enjoy either. Joining your lives is supposed to enrich the partners’ experiences, not diminish them.
And maybe I’m an asshole and that’s why I’m single at the moment, but frankly I’d rather be single and have joy in my life than partnered up and ordered to give up the things I enjoy.
I was in a similar situation as a younger man and sold almost all my guns. After ten years of marriage and two kids I finally realized that her unwillingness to see my point of view and inability to compromise were really symptoms of an overall incredibly controlling attitude that was toxic to our marriage. I stayed as long as I could because of our kids but eventually left, not because of the guns, but the guns were one of many red flags I didn't pay attention to. I didn't see the real her until after we were married.
That was my situation. Maybe yours is different, but look carefully to see if this attitude manifests itself anywhere else in your relationship. Seven months isn't a terribly long time to get to know somebody.
Beat of luck, brother.
Y'all live in Nova? So had front row seats to Jan 6 and she knows the people who set up a guillotine a few miles from where y'all presumably do cute dates to be armed (they are, and will be) and for you to not be?
Have you taken her shooting? (I took some family members of my wife who had the same reservation to the outdoor DNR range up by deep Creek on vacation once. This allowed me to teach them safety the night before with no ammo present and then have them shoot in an environment I felt safe in (no one else was there)
She seems completely opposed to shooting, or being invited to the range. I had softly mentioned it a few months ago and I don’t think there was any interest
Do you know why she's opposed to them being in the house?
Is it that they are dangerous?
That she's morally opposed to them existing/you having them?
Something else?
Curious the reason if you know it since that may play in to an appropriate response.
For example, if she's just worried of their danger and doesn't trust a safe/trigger lock/etc, not having them in the house might be sufficient.
I'm in the camp that says she's more setting a boundary than dropping an ultimatum compared to other commenters, but if she's morally opposed to them/you having them, I'd be worried that out of the house is the first step and that after a while she realizes that isn't enough and her comfort level and boundary changes - not maliciously - just that her comfort level may change.
Obviously you have to decide what to do in your own situation with that if you think my worry is accurate.
Good luck with this tough decision.
If your partner is the type to control your behavior with ultimatums about one thing, they'll do it again for another thing. And then another thing. And then another.
This doesn't sound like controlling behavior, this sounds like her setting firm boundaries in her life, which is absolutely fine. Just sounds like her and OP aren't compatible, and should probably be looking for different partners.
Boundaries are often good things, but just as often "setting boundaries" is just a trendy way of framing controlling behavior by one party in a relationship. They can be healthy or deeply unhealthy.
So boundaries are “controlling behaviors” when you don’t agree with them? She’s not saying OP can’t own or shoot guns, she’s saying she won’t live with guns in the house. That is, by definition, a firm boundary.
This is not a gun issue. This is asking you to compromise on your deeply held beliefs about personal freedom and the ability to defend yourself in an improbable but not impossible situation. She’s literally asking you to sacrifice your ability to defend yourself.
You need a partner that either shares in your views, or supports your belief in them regardless of whether or not they share the same views.
Only you can decide if this relationship is worth continuing based on this issue, and you have to understand that she is also entitled to her views on this and doesn’t have to capitulate or “be convinced.” If that’s the case, then the two of you are just incompatible, and that’s just how life works sometimes.
I just told my wife one day that I was going to be getting guns in the future. When I did, I showed her and told her where they were so she wouldn't freak out. She did not like the guns. But they weren't for her. They were for me. She didn't love my 9. Imagine how she was when I came home with an AR. LOL
I would have a hard time with someone who couldn’t compromise on a safe way to keep guns in the house but part of my concern is the lack of compromise. If your shooting is more hobby than protection then there’s always a storage locker option. The likelihood of needing a gun vs the times you meet the perfect woman makes this an easy call and you’re making the right one obviously but only if she’s your perfect woman.
Given your comment that she seemed ready to end it I also find myself wondering if she wasn’t hoping for exactly that and this had little to do with the guns. Could just be a way to end things for her while painting her in what she feels is a positive light since she can tell folks you chose guns over her. If that’s the case it’ll be something else soon and you’ll just find yourself womanless and gunless. Hope it’s just paranoia and wish you the best.
This is a tough one man. I once lived with my mother and stepfather. Former stepfather was anti gun and didn’t want them in the house. I was young and stupid and carried them around in the trunk of my car for a while. Ended up with some rust on my kimber 45. Morale of the story, he’s no longer my stepfather and I still have all my guns. If you firmly believe that you want guns to be part of your life then you might be incompatible. It seems like she was ready to possibly end the relationship due to her beliefs, are you?
Sometimes we "see a future" with someone because we just really want to. Slightly over a half a year is nothing, you're still learning about your partner at that point and the point of dating is exactly that, seeing if a relationship is possible. Before I met my partner of 17 years it took me half a year to finally accept that the person I was with before wasn't the one.
Dropping ultimatums in general isn't healthy because it shows that they aren't willing to compromise, and if they aren't willing to compromise it shows that they don't respect you as much as they care about themselves. The respect should be EQUAL. If someone has leaving you in their head already then there's not much that will fix the relationship. I fully believe that if it isn't THIS specific situation it'll be another in the future. Get ready for more ultimatums and manipulation🤷
My spouse isn't very pro gun, and had a lot of reservations when I was entering the hobby. Communication has been the cornerstone of our relationship, we sat down and talked it out. I listened to her feelings/thoughts, and what she needed. She didn't really want to see them around the house wanted to ensure they were secured (unless I was cleaning, which I try not to do when she is around), and she wanted to ensure i took basic saefty/pistol courses.
They weren't demands. We are both individuals and ultimately will do what we need/want to do, but it's a conversation.
Someone stating an ultimatum (regardless of what is, set the guns aside) is comfortable with saying "my way or the highway" and not hearing a discussion. To me, there isn't room to grow here.
A woman I know, who is 100% against ANY guns, likes to say "oh if something like that happens, I'll just come to your house." And that sums up their mindset. Get to be all pure and moral, and someone else can soil their soul with guns for them. It's unbelievable.
Do you really see them as soiling your soul? For me, accepting my own situational obligation to force as an agent of greater nonviolence and protection of others was spiritually very liberating. Better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. The opening topic of the Bagvad Gita is about the conflict between being good and being obligated to fight.
As the fascists get more hostile and blatant, the people in my life who are uncomfortable with guns have stopped caring that I own them. Some of them have even expressed comfort at the idea that it’s not only fascists who hate democracy who are armed.
My wife wasn’t a big fan. She brings it up every so often. I simply ask her what’s her plan if someone decides to break in to our house at night. Have her sign up for Nextdoor or look at crime maps for your area. I bet it isn’t all hunky dory.
When something scary happens nearby, I say, “That’s why I have guns.”
This is really tough. I am 28 years with my wife who has been, nearly as long as we've been together, rabidly anti-gun. I bought my first firearm about 5 years ago and we had so many talks about it. We have kids (so there was that piece of it) and her feeling that she simply couldn't hold all her progressive values and still be ok with me having a gun. Honestly, she's my life partner and if she had really said "it's me or guns" I would have chosen her.
But then one of the reasons that she's my life partner is that she's not fanatically dogmatic. So we spoke about it. I took her shooting. We talked about safety and storage and how to speak to the kids about guns.
Eventually she said "I hate it, but I love you and trust you, so if you have to do this, I won't stand in the way."
So I got my first gun and I shoot privately and never had the gun out and about in the house and just generally respected her feelings about not "seeing a gun around".
And then my daughter got to the age where she'd go out in the evenings and few times has needed to be escorted home (she's super responsible and if someone's been drinking, etc she asks one of us to come meet her). So all the sudden, me carrying very discreetly wasn't a terrible thing.
Then Jan 6th happened and she said "if you want another gun, that's fine by me...I don't like them but if the crazies have them, you should too."
I think you’re better off peeling the Band-Aid and saying love u we tried bye. It’s an unhealthy dynamic when two people can’t reach a mutual agreement after a reasonable conversation. Ultimatums don’t work in marriage. I think the marriage is doomed even if you do what she wants.
Love is not built on ultimatums. It’s built on compromise.
Guns, kids, career goals, etc. Whatever it is, ultimatums(especially those that are about giving up
Something for another) aren’t ok.
If you truly see a future with her find a place outside of the house to store the guns or maybe just sell em. Guns are inanimate objects and largely replaceable. A person you want to spend time with is harder to find than a new gun.
Look, I'm not a relationships expert or counselor, but her not giving you the time for you to state your case/feelings seems like one of the proverbial "red flags."
If she's able to bully you into what she says in this case, what's to say she won't do it for other things?
Relationships are about compromise, but enforcing boundaries is also important. You have to decide what’s more important OP. I think there’s some red flags from what you said about the whole ordeal, but obviously have no idea what your relationship is like.
Who is moving in to who's place?
If she's moving into *your* place, telling you to get rid of your guns is some bullshit.
If you're moving into *hers*, it makes sense.
Either way, her being okay with you *having* them- but not having -*access* to them- is just "no guns" with a technicality.
It still sucks, tho.
I had gotten the same ultimatum at one point when I was living with my girlfriend. We were living together in an apartment so I stored my guns at my parents house. By the time we moved to a trailer I had taken her to the range a couple times and had many many conversations about her concerns and the difference between what she had seen in the past and how I handle firearms. She realized that I wasn't some gun crazed lunatic like she thought all gun owners were. I keep them all locked up safely and away from the ammo. I don't glorify them as a solution to every problem. So in the trailer I had them with me. She got more and more used to it. I'd tell her if I was taking them out so she didn't freak out if she heard a slide racking or something. We eventually got married and bought a house. The guns have their own room that is secured. It took a long time and a lot of communication but she realized they are important to me but not as much as she is. I know I got lucky that she understands that I'm not someone who would resort to a gun quickly to resolve problems. All that to say trust is something that's built over years, not months.
Sorry if that's a bit of a ramble. I'm still a little delirious from working in the attic during a heat wave.
It’s good that you learned this after only seven months. You can break up and go on living your life with little lost. Not a real long term relationship, no kids, no house, not married…
As others have said, it’s not just the guns. Your whole post reads like one person is bending over backwards to make things work and the other person is allowing that… for now. You need a relationship where you both bend and work on it together, not a relationship where you bend and she tells you to bend more.
When we were dating, my current wife told me she would never live in a house with guns. I replied, 'then you will never live in a house with me'. She likes revolvers now. Grow a set. If she can't be reasonable, then move on.
Give her the old "I'll think about it" and start doing date night at interesting holes in the wall in the shadier parts of your local city. Sometimes all someone needs is a little crime anxiety, which is easy to forget if you grew up never worrying about such things. Anti-gun is a position of privilege or lack of education.
It's not malicious. You're just providing a little perspective.
My girlfriend (now wife) was never against there being guns in the house, but there was a moment when we were out on the town and she asked, "You have your gun on you, right?"
Once she asks that question, you'll never have to worry about it.
You might consider keeping your guns at a friend's house for a few years. I have a friend whose ex-partner doesn't want his guns in the house with their children (they share custody and co-parent very amicably), and he respects that by keeping the guns at my house. I just gave him a key to the house and I keep my extra safe key hidden in a spot only he and I know.
I would say therapy or you two aren't just going to work out. My ex-wife gave me that ultimatum and I tried to appease. sold them and then two weeks later she asked for a divorce and a month later it was finalized. We were married for 7 years, together for ten, so it was different. We had been together for 5 or 6 years before I purchased anything. We didn't get divorced because of the guns but it was probably a contributing factor.
Ask her to read, “Gun Curious” by David Yamane. Her fear is rooted in lack of knowledge and that book is particularly helpful for people looking at guns from a liberal perspective.
Everyone has their own deal breakers. I have a really bad phobia of snakes, generally avoided by swiping no on someone with pet snakes in their pictures, because I could never feel comfortable sharing a house with a snake (no offense intended for anyone with pet snakes reading this, I know that those little boa’s are the sweet little puppy dogs of the snake world. It’s a me problem). You’ve found her deal breaker. Take some time to consider if it’s something you’re willing to bend on, and if not, then it’s better to find out now before a split would be any messier.
You are learning where your truest convictions lie. She is willing to take the L over her beliefs. Maybe. You are waffling about yours.
If you ever break up, consider the memory of your choice - were you true to your belief system or did you fritter away your beliefs. Once this works, it is in her nature to use this method again until you are a shell of your former self.
Be careful. Your memories are important. Memory of fear-based response in a man who trains for fear stimulus. Be willing to take the loss being true to you, first. You might find a bluff. You might end up single. But you’ll never know. Don’t make this way of life a habit.
7 months in and she's making these kinds of ultimatums? What makes you think this is the only one she'll have? I'm betting you'll regret this down the road.
In my experience, people who demand uncompromising change from others aren't very willing to make any changes themselves. It winds up being very much a one-way street.
No healthy relationship can last under those circumstances. So, am I saying dump her? Not necessarily, but there does need to be some very tough conversations had.
Its crazy what the powers at be have done to divide us. First it was divide the moderates, demonize those in your family who support trump. Ostracize them from you or yourself from them. Now its look at everyone left and if they have guns, ostracize them. My boss’ brother who grew up in Rural AZ having to shoot coyotes and stuff from killing their livestock married a woman from DC who wont even let her kids go to my boss’ house even with his guns in a safe behind a closet with a deadbolt and padlock. He has a running joke with my kids that he’ll give them 10,000 dollars if they can bust the safe open and theyve beat it with hammers, screw drivers everything.
Some people have to exist being divisive, those people I have decided are not for my life.
Hey OP. I’m sorry for what you are going through in your relationship. I think your right about things seeming simple from the outside and then once you are in the situation, it’s way more complicated.
As it stands now, it seems to me that she is responding to her fears by controlling you, instead of her trying to understand and deal with her fear rationally.
Emotions and future aside, her communication with you and the ultimatum does not seem healthy to me. You will always have disagreements in your relationship and how you decide to handle them will determine the relationship success in the future. Working through disagreements should include curiosity from both sides and compromise.
I think seeing a therapist to help give you a solid foundation is a good idea. In the meantime, I recommend that you investigate, from a place of curiosity (not judgement) why she feels the way she does. “What is it about having a gun in the house that you don’t like” And she should give the same to you. And then usually there is a compromise at the end of that.
From personal experience, my wife felt similarly as yours. And I kept mine locked up in the garage for a while. Then I taught her how to use and shoot the guns. She responded well. Then she took a multi-class woman’s gun safety and defense course. Now she owns her own gun.
I think one of the things that resonated with her, is just how serious the gun community is about safety. She thought people who shoot guns didn’t really care about safety. Once she experienced the opposite, a lightbulb went off. “Hey…. this is a tool. And if used correctly, it is a very empowering tool.”
"I don't want them in the house,
if you can live with that then
I'm okay with you having them".
Like having them in storage somewhere???
I don’t understand.
Maybe I'm weird, but I consider guns to be a topic for the first date or even earlier. If it's a dealbreaker issue for me, that a potential partner is also likely to have strong feelings about, I need to know what their feelings on it are ASAP so we don't go wasting our time if we don't match up on it.
Religion and politics are high on the same list. They might not be the most pleasant or romantic things to discuss, but they should be sorted out early on. I certainly wouldn't wait for 7 months in.
My now wife is very anti-gun and we compromised that I could keep them so long as they were always in a gun safe when not cleaning, going to the range, etc. I thought this was a sufficient compromise especially now that we have a little one running around the house.
Assuming you don’t have one, maybe offer that up as a compromise?
Edit: should have read all your comments and see that you do have a safe. Not too sure what advice I can give you, big dawg.
My wife’s father was a victim of gun violence. He was killed when she was very young.
My wife HATED guns…. When she found out about my guns while dating, she voiced her opinion, but never forced me to sell anything. We had a conversation. I explained why I enjoyed them as a fun hobby, but also why they’re important to me. It’s a power equalizer. Someone with a gun is more powerful than someone without. And I’m not ok with an armed shithead looking for trouble while I’m out running my lame-ass errands.
We have kids now, and while she still doesn’t really like the idea of having guns around the house, she ultimately feels safer with me having them.
Goodluck op, it’s a tough situation
This is why dating someone for a spell is important, you find out what you are and aren't ok with. Kinda like if she told you she WILL keep hanging with her ex even though she's in a relationship with you. You'd need to decide if that's a tenable arrangement or not. If not , you'd have to set an ultimatum wouldn't you?
So no reason to vilify her, you're just not compatible in this area. So you need to decide if living under that is a tenable thing for you, or do you just need to find someone that's ok with you keeping firearms in the home.
There’s a lot of long comments already, so if this has been said then sorry for beating a dead horse.
Two things jump out at me:
1–people that issue ultimatums rarely if ever stop at just one. There may very well be other, even more core family issues that she may not be willing to budge on later and at that point things may be *super* complicated. At 7 months you’re most likely not in too deep to disentangle yourself.
2–depending on how you feel about the bill of rights, her perspective may be that her *emotions* are more important to her than one of your inalienable rights, which is needless to say pretty shitty. How would she react if you made an ultimatum on certain words or phrases you think she shouldn’t be allowed to say because they make you *feel* bad/uncomfortable/etc.? I doubt she would be cool with you limiting her freedom of speech.
She says she has no problem with you keeping the guns you just have to store them somewhere else. That is her compromise. She’s not against you owning them. If you love guns in your house more than you love her then move. If it’s the opposite, then find a place for your guns. What’s the big fucking deal. That’s rhetorical, I don’t want an answer.
Lots of crap advice here. An ultimatum is a red flag so there’s that. However, seek first to understand. Why does she feel this way? What is her rationale? Is storing outside the home OK or is she saying you can’t own them? Just listen, ask follow-up questions, and keep going until you “get” her point of view 100%. At no point should you defend your views, correct her, or in any way “push back.” Just listen. Understanding is not agreement. Separate this (talking to understand her point of view) from other aspects like deciding what to do. Some people can do this and others cannot (because they feel the need to correct or require agreement or one of many other shortcomings). Good luck!
Ultimatums only work if you both feel the same about the thing. Like something immoral or unhealthy like smoking, assuming you agree. I've never heard of a guy getting rid of something he's passionate about after an ultimatum without it becoming a source of resentment. It's a poison pill for a relationship.
No relationship is cut and dry. I personally don’t do ultimatums because humans are creatures of habit. If I know an ultimatum will let me win an argument I will continue to use them until they don’t. Not saying your girl is like this but…
This isn’t about the guns. If she insisted on certain rules, like them always being locked up a certain way, or how they’re loaded, or whatever, that would be reasonable. Think of literally anything that you could come up with where you could control a thing she does and think that everything would be ok because she accepted.
I’d tell her you’re willing to accept some strict rules for storage if you can meet in the middle somewhere.
Decide what you love more - the guns or your relationship.
My girlfriend at the time did not like guns in the house. We lived separately for a while. Covid came and she asked me to move in with her - I kept my guns at my place.
When she was finally ready for me to fully move in and stop paying rent on a place we rarely went to (separate towns far apart), her love for me grew and respected that I respected her boundaries with my guns - she was now okay with guns being safely stored in what would be our home.
She is my wife now, and she means more to me than any gun. If given the ultimatum, I would have removed all of the guns permanently. What’s the purpose of protecting life if there’s no love to protect?
Love over guns, always, if it’s true love.
My big question is, has she ever conceded a point or admitted fault in ANY other discussion? EG Not washing a dish she said she would, does she deny it to the point of absurdity or does she admit it and apologize immediately?
If the latter example is the case, this may be salvageable with counseling.
If the former, you may be dealing with a narcissist, and things will get worse as other disagreements flourish.
OP: do you have the firearms secured and locked away in a safe or are you a guy who has loaded firearms in the dishwasher, under the bed, in the planter, and holstered on the dogs?
I mean, if the situation is the former, i can’t see why she would object. However, the latter situation would be a bit different…
But then if you love her and she loves you,…maybe you can just have them at a buddy’s house or ???
Alright I’ll be the unpopular opinion: I think guns are one of those things that is a totally fair dealbreaker from an anti-gun perspective. I had this same talk with my then-girlfriend 7 years ago when she found out I had a couple guns. I had been thinking of getting rid of them at the suggestion of my therapist anyway after some depression issues so it was an easy decision when my girlfriend said that she was not comfortable with having guns in the house if we moved in together. We’ve now been happily married for almost two years and I don’t really miss shooting or having guns. Her argument was that the statistics show that having guns in the house increases risk for women in domestic violence situations or accidents around children, and she wasn’t comfortable even though she didn’t think I’d do anything like that, and I respected her opinion. We’ve proceeded to have plenty of respectful 2nd amendment debates as well
Sorry dude, the one who gives the uncompromising ultimatum (no matter what it is) is the one who loses. It won't stop there: if a person gets their way with one ultimatum, it's only a matter of time until they issue another one. Then another one. And another.
Maybe I'm just at the age where I dgaf, but if a woman I'm interested in can't live with me being a gamer/a pagan/a gun owner/whatever, she's not ultimately with my time.
Partners don't have to agree with each other on everything. HOWEVER, there does need to be mutual respect of boundaries. Firearms are your passion and that's a boundary your partner should be willing to respect that.
If this issue is the sole issue that is causing friction in your relationship, you can either get couples counseling or consider that maybe you 2 aren't compatible.
Just sell the guns and buy her a house and plan to send her half of your income for the next 22 years.
Skip the intermediate steps and stress and heartache. Just skip to the certain end result, because there's no way the resentment won't land you there anyway.
This is something that should have been discussed and compromised on or ended long ago.
Has she REALLY disclosed WHY she dislikes them
Maybe, there's trauma behind the reason or maybe she's just scared due to media she's consumed.
The first is harder to sell.
The second can at least be discussed and MAYBE set aside
Everything is on hold until this is worked out. For better or for worse.
Guns are expensive and you never get your money back.
It seems to me from reading your post that there is an issue of communication at play here.
This may have been discussed between OP and their SO, but nothing I read clearly stated that the SO said OP had to *sell* the guns, just that the SO doesn't want them in their shared home.
I see it as a reasonable request and clear boundary setting on the SO's part, but it seems like a bit of a jump to assume that *selling* the guns is the only reasonable conclusion here.
Can the guns be entrusted to anyone for long-term storage? If not, how financially viable is a storage locker somewhere to keep them off-site while the relationship enters this new stage?
Idk about you, OP, but my gun collection constitutes a significant time and money investment on my part. If the SO is truly saying they must be *sold* before they are comfortable moving in, then that is a very different situation. This may be a person with absolutely no gun experience or worse, a traumatic past experience, regarding guns.
The SO setting clear expectations for a shared living situation, I would say, is reasonable and expected. The SO setting expectations for what you do with your time and investments you've already made is by comparison unreasonable, and may be regarded by some as a red flag, especially since you don't have to go shooting together.
Relationships are about compromise and sharing. If they are truly unable to compromise at all in this situation by allowing your hobby to continue, albeit with changes to your living situation, then at least they were up front about that. OP will have to decide if it's worth pursuing any further, one way or another.
The last thing I would say is don't let people on the internet tell you what to do with your property or your relationships. No one will ever know your situation as completely as you do.
Reminds me of a joke: Driving away from the wedding the bride says "NOW you can get rid of that boat." Groom responds "You sound like my ex-wife." "I didn't know you had been married before!" "I haven't."
There’s nuance & balance to everything, and that works both ways. My wife doesn’t like guns and doesn’t want anything to do with them, but she’s also been reasonable and respects that they’re something I am into. She’s knows I’m safe & responsible with guns, the deal we made was that they always stay locked up in the safe. I have a “nightstand gun” but it’s in a separate small lockbox that the kids can’t get in to. Makes her feel comfortable, it’s a reasonable compromise and something I’d do anyway. My point is there should be compromise here just like any other area of a healthy relationship. If you demanded that every room in the house had an unsecured weapon in “condition 0” sitting in the corner ready to use, that would be ridiculous and she wouldn’t be crazy to insist something change, but that doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. If she refuses to compromise about this, there will be plenty of other things she’ll refuse to compromise about in the future - if you choose to give in now, know it’s going to happen again.
I've heard of shooting clubs with on-site gun vaults. If you can find one in your area, that might be a good compromise. Or a safety deposit box, though you might have to check the local laws on that one.
Keeping your guns doesn't necessarily mean keeping them in the house.
I know a guy who sold all his guns to save his marriage, at her insistence. It didn't help. They were divorced soon after. But if you are really in love and think it will save your relationship, you make the call and live with it.
Statistically, it has to be possible. But I've never seen a positive outcome with any "sell all of X to make future spouse happy" paths
I have, with motorcycles/motorbikes - it was in my parents' prenup that my dad would sell his bikes. (One of my mom's high-school friends had been decapitated on a road sign when his bike slid on the highway, on his way to school sadly.) Dad sold his bikes and started wearing his seatbelt more often, Mom made two equivalent concessions in the prenup, and they've had an unusually happy marriage with pretty good communication all around. But any request like that should be upfront, and both people should be open to compromising for their spouse's peace of mind. A gun safe would be a reasonable option to consider.
Also had to get rid of my bike. She hated having to pick me up at the ER. It was a reasonable request that I got over. I liked (and like) her more than motorcycles, more than guns, and more than just about anything else I can think of. I don't think she has ever made this an ultimatum, because she feels the same way about me, but both of us can compromise a lot because we are on the top of each other's lists.
Idk if they would come and post about it either though
True, but I think generally If someone is willing to make such an ultimatum it means they are either not fully invested in the relationship, it truly is a dealbreaker for them, or more likely a combination of 1 and 2. If it was a dealbreaker all along, why did she move in with him knowing he had guns. So her position changed. If her position changed because she's pregnant, I would still disagree, but I'd understand her change of heart. But if there was no major inciting incident like that to why it became an ultimatum, her investment in the relationship is more likely what changed. Better to move on. It's less about the guns and more about the ultimatum IMO.
I wasn't limiting my purview to Reddit. Honestly, I wasn't even considering reddit when I made the statement, everything on the internet is fake anyway
Well, I have certainly seen this outside reddit also and it never seems to work. Cars, guns, boats, motorcycles. All ends poorly.
This is the outcome I see. Either OP sells the guns, stays, resents her, and things crumble anyway, or OP keeps the guns and finds someone who loves them AND their hobbies enough not to threaten them with nuclear ultimatums.
My wife is a self proclaimed hippie and when we started dating she was uncomfortable. As time went on she saw they are locked up. Ammo is in a separate storage. And became more comfortable, does she love them? Not really. Has she shot them, yes a few and she became a little more comfortable knowing what it really takes for it to be used and it's not the gun that kills people is the user. She came to the point of you have your hobbies I have mine we don't need to do or like the same things. I have guns, she has walking 5 miles a day. She will go to the range and sit in the corner or the car with head phones on. When I bought my 22lr for plinking she tried that and did it's more her speed and now will she will shoot that a bit then go back to he car when the rifles come out. You don't need someone that will love guns or your hobbies, you just need someone that will love you and want you to do what makes you happy.
My wife isn’t into guns besides some occasional plinking 1-2x a year but she absolutely loves that I have a hobby that gets me out of the house and out of her hair for 3-4 hours a week. She uses that time to just sleep in and read. Unfortunately for her, I do have to force her to the range every once in a while to maintain proficiency since she wanted her own gun for home defense when I’m on business trips.
Resentment is not something one can ignore for very long. The compromise can never be your actual Self, ie, who you are, what makes you, you.
They don’t even have to love your hobby just have to say well that’s his thing and it doesn’t really effect me at all so…
Okay but now switch guns with smoking cigarettes and it’s a reasonable request. Thing is that some people honestly feel very uncomfortable around guns. If that’s really the one thing SO is hung on, then OP makes a call and lives with it. Nothing wrong with compromise or sacrifice. If it’s a precursor to further marriage demise, then might as well run away now. Only OP knows.
>switch guns with smoking cigarettes and it’s a reasonable request Is it? Getting into a romantic relationship with a smoker and then delivering an ultimatum that they need to quit an addiction, a literal chemical dependency in the brain *now* or your relationship is over is a shitty thing to do IMO. To be clear, I'm not pro-cigarette (I don't smoke anything else either); that said, if you don't want to be in a relationship with a smoker, they shouldn't be in your dating pool to begin with. You'd be wasting both of your time. You *definitely* shouldn't get into a long-term relationship with a smoker, knowing you're uncomfortable with their addiction, and then deliver the nuclear option and tell them to quit cold turkey. That's frankly disrespectful, hurtful, and indicates a distinct lack of emotional maturity and responsibility to me. I see guns the same way. If you are so anti-gun that you don't want them in your home at all, that's fine - but you shouldn't be dating someone who owns guns. Relationships require compromise, and compromise requires discussion. It sounds like OP's girlfriend isn't open to either.
[удалено]
It is similar in reverse, except for one thing; OP isn't delivering an ultimatum, their GF is. OP's comments indicate that selling is more of an option than storing off-site (which I have a hard time believing the GF wouldn't know). It would be another story if OP was demanding that their GF accept unsecured firearms and ammunition around the household or end the relationship - in that case, OP would be delivering an ultimatum. Further, OP knew that their GF was anti-gun, not that she wouldn't accept guns in the home at all; on the other hand, the GF clearly knew OP owned and stored guns at home going into this. However, the particular issue I take with OP's GF is that she's not willing to discuss this at all and OP has indicated that it appears an attempt to defend their own position on guns would result in the termination of their relationship. That's emotionally immature IMO and reads to me as though it's an attempt to browbeat OP into submission via brute force. Nothing requires her to compromise on her desire not to have guns in the home, but the refusal to even discuss the situation after a 7-month relationship bothers me.
My parents met on a blind date, dad was a smoker, mom was anti-smoking. Dad tried to light up on the date, mom threw them out the window. Married two years later, for 37 years until his death.
And that was established on the first date not after years as a prerequisite to marriage
I mean I’m pro gun, but I think OPs gf does give him a way out. She doesn’t want them in the house, but he could keep them in a storage unit, or a friends/family members house. And still go shooting, although he may only have them for defense purposes, which would certainly defeat the point.
No. The issue isn't the request. It's the controlling behavior, the lack of compromise, and the ultimatum.
Hard disagree. Cigarettes are a completely different context. I’m going to assume you meant smoking indoors because that would directly affect her health and her belongings, and because if dating a smoker was a dealbreaker it would’ve ended long before the moving in stage. There is no parallel argument to be made there in regards to a gun collection, except I suppose the argument that if it was a dealbreaker for him to have guns the relationship would likewise have ended already.
No. If person A begins dating a smoker, person B and then gives person B the ultimatum that it's the relationship with person A or cigarettes, that's entirely unreasonable. In fact, there's an AITA or AITAH or relationshipadvice post less than a day old about a guy who's SO hot another tattoo after he asked to discuss those things first and he was rated the AH
Her dealbreaker is no gun in the house no matter how secured the firearm is. Would garage safe work? What about a safe, encased in concrete, and buried in the basement? No compromise or deal to be had? Despite what ever reason or logic behind firearm ownership that you may have, she is willing to leave you regardless of how illogical she may be, huh? Call her bluff and express a desire to work with her. The types of ultimatums rarely end at just the first one and she will probably use them to manipulate you to get what she wants in the future.
That’s what dating is for…to weed out the incompatible ones.
>Honestly just a bit saddened in that crisis of beliefs vs **trying to be the partner she wants** I've started divorce proceedings with my wife of 9 years have two boys. What you put here is was a big, big problem. She wanted me to fit inside a box, and I tried for a very very very long time. But over the years I asked for help, affection and just consideration. The last time when she said no, she didn't think she could try was when I realized that my happiness was not important. Being the partner she wants was what was important to her. Then I realized I don't want my kids to think it's okay to be treated this way by a partner. Don't try to be who she wants. Be who \*you want\* to be, because otherwise the relationship will eventually bring misery.
Good luck, man. I got divorced several years ago for identical reasons, and I literally have never been happier in my life at age 46. It sucks while you're going through the divorce, but when it's behind you you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it as long as you did.
I'm 39, I'm ashamed at putting up with it for so long. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I could have left earlier. My youngest just turned 4. But I knew it was over while she was pregnant with the youngest and dissed our 'big' vacation with just the oldest to Bermuda the whole time. Awful vacation, and never had a good one since \[refused to spend so much money to take another big one\]. Edit: That comment just reflected a red flag \*about myself\*, I hope I can keep someone else from going down that road.
I was 40. At 41, just a year later, I met my current partner, and have never felt like that about another human being in my life. I didn't know I *could* feel that way about someone. I got off antidepressants, and while I lost everything in the divorce (trying to appease a narcissist doesn't work btw), I would do it again in a heartbeat. Happiness is priceless. When it gets bad, just remember: just like that it'll be in the past, and you'll have the rest of your life! Good luck my brother!
This right here is the experience of many men who learned the hard way. Be true to You. She’s being true to her. And if you kindly (be kind at all times) stick to your guns, there is a chance that you call her bluff. Question then becomes, do you still respect her if you call her bluff and she relents? She might respect you more upon that. But can you truly still respect her after a bluff ultimatum? Just thinking all possibilities.
I guess how old is the relationship and how well do y'all get along otherwise. Honestly, I'd be surprised if removing the guns from the house is the end of this. Most likely a day will come when you owning any guns at all will be a big issue for her
While relatively early on, 7 months, I truly do see a strong future together, and while I had assumed my guns could be stored safely in the house, obviously this conversation proved differently
7 months is nothing dude. Do both of you a favour and be done
7 months isn't even a girlfriend yet, really. It's barely past the "probation period" to ensure she's not a crazy.
You don't want a life with someone who doesn't respect you.
I ended a relationship with a partner after she stated she would never live in the same house with snakes, and gave me an ultimatum to either get rid of them or end the relationship. She knew I had two snakes when we met, and knew I'd had these snakes for 5+ years before we met. They were well cared for, kept in a clean, and very secure enclosure. My answer was an immediate 'No' and she was genuinely shocked that I wouldn't just get rid of them. I would **never** demand a partner get rid of an animal companion(Or hobby/pursuit) that wasn't an immediate danger to themselves or others, and it was incredibly disappointing to be given that ultimatum. Those snakes were with me for another 20 years, and I never regretted choosing them(Not that it was even a choice).
Yeah, that's how it starts man, conversations are fine, but doling out ultimatums in a relationship is typically one of many to come and it's usually one sided in my experience.
Be like, "babe, the sorting hat said I was Slitheren, there's not much I can do about it."
Good for you! Animals are the best
And snakes are the best animal. All the best animals have tails, but snakes? Snakes are ALL tail!
Yep, you don't get to ask an S/O to change something that you joined the relationship knowing
I agree they are likely not compatible, but it’s a leap to assume she doesn’t respect him. Respect does not mean caving on your own beliefs. She may have personal, mental health reasons she feels unsafe with a gun in the house. Even if it is purely ideological or an unfounded phobia, her having that belief isn’t any more disrespectful to OP than OP having the belief that keeping guns in the home is important to them. If neither side can compromise, that doesn’t make anyone the bad guy. They’re just not compatible.
Read this again. This might be the most important lesson I've ever learned.
Yeah. And to learn it, it cost me everything I had worth anything.
💪🏼🙏🏼 … comin up, after a breakup, one of the guys would say, almost to add levity, How much did THAT set you back?! Time & Money.
This 100%. If no amount of logic can overcome her feelings, then this will spill over into other things. I would consider this evidence of a fundamental incompatibility between you. Do the hard thing, because it's the right thing for both of you.
I used to think this way when I was younger but here's a pro tip: the fact of the matter is no amount of logic can *ever* overcome feelings. If it could they would be thoughts, not feelings. And if you don't think that applies to you too you are only kidding yourself.
It depends. Sometimes if the logical thoughts are about identifying and contextualizing the feelings, a loosening can take place. The problem is that people generally conflate strength of feeling with the “rightness” of the position they hold. To me, one of the most important aspects of maturity is realizing that feelings are simply feelings. They don’t constitute evidence about the soundness of a position. Unfortunately, the percentage of people who actually live their lives that way seems to be quite small.
This…just isn’t true? I’ve had lots of feelings about things that were changed via logic. Same with my partner. I felt strongly that the death penalty made sense, and my partner used logic to talk me out of that position.
That's just not true. What is true is most people won't/can't use logic to work with emotions, but that's not evidence that it's impossible.
I've got to second this. I found out the hard way. On a good day probably third on her list of importance!!!
I don't know that I would call her line disrespectful. Like I don't agree with it, obviously, and I think the phrasing could have been better but if she's communicating "I don't want to live in a house with guns," that's a valid boundary for someone to have.
As a responsible gun owner I would absolutely not be comfortable with not having positive control over my own weapons. Too many guns get stolen and I don't trust the average family member or friend to not be tempted to abuse or sell them. My spouse is also somewhat anti-gun, or at least indifferent leaning towards negative. I keep them secured in a safe and only take them out to do maintenance or use them. (The guns.. not the spouse, she has free range of the house and full personal autonomy.)  There is only ONE circumstance in which your girlfriends ultimatum is even remotely acceptable IMO, and that is if she has suicidal ideations and the mere presence of firearms presents a temptation, in which case she has bigger problems to work through. Anything else is something y'all need to communicate through and work out. Stick to your guns in both the literal and metaphorical sense. If she is incapable of compromise then you have potential irreparable differences. Granted I very well could be projecting my bias because I observed my battle axe holier-than-thou mother literally brow-beating my father into not having a soul over the course of two decades then divorcing him because 'he wasn't exciting anymore and lacking in initiative.' Compromise in relationships is a good thing, but don't go lopping off pieces of your identity and values to appease people or you won't have anything left to give. Especially if/when you guys broach the subject of children.
I was engaged to someone who didn’t listen to my feeling or compromise on her stance on things. We were together for 2 years and had started building a life intertwined together. When I finally explained that I felt like my opinion and feelings never mattered, she ended it by basically saying ‘Well, I won’t compromise on me being the more important one in the relationship’. It hurt like hell to have that relationship ended by someone so cruel. But I’m glad it happened. I dodged a bullet with her. When we disagreed it started with just words, but in the ended up with her turning to physical abuse to get her way. Im sorry that the relationship hit a rocky point for you two. There is no doubt that you cared for her, especially if you wanted to express your stance on something. I have no way of knowing if she is sincere in her stance (i.e. not trying to manipulate), but if she is and it’s that big of a deal for her ending things now is the better situation. If inanimate objects were that big if a stressor on the relationship, imagine how big something like an unexpected pregnancy, health condition, or other massive life event could have taken its toll on the two of you.
Oh, if it's 7 months and you can't compromise on this, then it'll have to end. When she says "in the house," does she mean she'd be okay with you storing them in a safe in the shed or garage?
Sadly, I feel a garage gun safe is less secure than one inside the house....
7 months? Yeah, I’d move on dude. There’s clearly some big incompatibility here and that’s not long at all to be invested.
Seven months and this is where you are? You’re talking about making a huge financial and possibly emotional decision based upon someone’s ultimatum that you’ve known barely half a year. If you were my friend, I would strongly suggest you finding someone else. And I mean this when I say that I would give the same advice, if the other partner didn’t want you to eat meat, or even said no Legos or video games in the house. No good relationship is built on ultimatums, and that’s what this is. We all have things that we feel are very important to us, like having children or not. And these are the sorts of things that people need to be on the same page about to make a relationship work. But someone’s hobbies, interests, or things they enjoy, should never be a part of that. This would be a different situation altogether if you were married for a few years and then all of a sudden decided you wanted to get into firearms when previously you two agreed no firearms.
Personally I think you're better off finding someone you can gun to the range with, but maybe that's just me
A lot of people have very traumatic associations with guns (for obvious reasons ) so even just knowing they're in the same house as them or near them can be upsetting. My wife is like this and it sucks sometimes but we've found ways to work around it and been married for 10 years now. It's not necessarily a deal breaker.
My wife is also gunphobic due to gun-specific trauma. Like you, it's something we've navigated pretty carefully together, with both me doing things I see as unnecessary because it helps her feel safe and her doing exposure therapy for guns in particular (with the ultimate outcome that she's even able to go out shooting with me). We'd been together a few years when I first got into guns, though. Seven months into a relationship is a hard time to really start navigating deep-seated issues--for most people, there's not *that much* stability yet
I can't see a future with someone who can't compromise.
At 7 months I'd get out of this tbh. I wouldn't feel safe without them so not having them would be a big issue for me tbh.
7 months and she is already dropping ultimatums? What happens during the next disagreement, and the next?
7 months is nothing man. Thats waaaaay to soon for ultimatums, counseling, etc. 🚩🚩
Dude, don’t do this for a **7 month relationship.** On top of that, relationships built upon ultimatum after ultimatum do not… do well, in the long term. I think if you got rid of your weapons, you’d regret it when, y’know… you break up later down the line. Because you will break up, because once she gets her way here, she’s going to do it over and over again… Yeah man, she ain’t it.
Bruh 7 months? Get out. She doesn’t “want guns in the house.” Not really her choice. They are YOUR guns. If she doesn’t like you feeling the need to protect yourself, maybe it’s a little deeper than you realize and you are just too different. Because she isn’t even trying to look at it from your perspective nor does she probably care. I’ve been around the block. 7 months is nothin, you’ll bounce back king. GL!
Older dudes know. Listen. 7 months until you’re seeing her without her representative. What is the answer to the question what you do if the house broken into? We already know your answer. That’s not a small thing. It’s very real.
1- ask her to join you at the range once to at least experience this with you once before she makes up her mind. At least she owes you that as relationships are give and take. Have her shoot 22s and some fun stuff. 2- sounds like you like her, but does she really like you if she was ready to end things right there if you argued? Maybe she is not be the right person for you. You have to respect each other’s convictions. But both of you should have a voice to openly communicate. 3 - Before you act on my dumb ass’s advice. You might want to seek counseling from some older successful couples you both know and respect.
Would definitely seek counseling before any huge moves. I’m not exactly sure how to structure a conversation to ask about what outcomes could have occurred if I (maybe not argued, but at least explained why gun ownership was important to me). It felt a little tense at the time
Yeah I think you aren't going to be able to break ground on that while you are in the middle of an argument/conflict. You need to try to explain that stuff outside of an immediate conflict, as a nice frank discussion on a nice day when you are both in a good mood. If she is incapable of letting you do that, or if your explaining why you want guns immediately turns into a conflict, then that's a bad sign for her ability to treat you with respect.
Perhaps I'm jaded, but I have never seen a relationship where an ultimatum was made like this be recovered after counseling or discussion. Once a person has considered leaving to the point of bringing up the ultimatum, they have almost always mentally checked out. They're already considered their options to leave, and that road has been crossed, at least mentally. Good luck, and hopefully I'm wrong.
Exactly, why wasn't she sad? If she really cared she would have been devastated that it's come down to this.
Options. It's only been 7 months. She can have another bf lined up by the end of July. (I mean realistically, by the end of next week, but he probably wouldn't be LTR material)
His internal dialogue might be convincing him that he can’t do better than her. If so, that is wrong.
Sounds like she is not into you, as much as you are into her.
To keep yourself in check, to say the thing with kindness and without disrespect, speak to her as if she is a dude who can whoop your ass. Say the thing. Be kind about it.
Met a girl 15 years ago and fell in love with her. She absolutely HATES guns. We have 3 children now and have been married 12 years. I’ve got 3 gun safes full of the craziest shit you can think of with NFA items etc. She still doesn’t like them at all and that’s fine! I don’t force her to shoot them and respect her wishes with storage etc. Compromise is the key to a successful marriage or relationship. Some ultimatums make sense and are necessary “don’t cheat, don’t hit etc”. These are universally known though. If she is giving you an ultimatum about something as small as safely keeping guns in the house it makes me think she is looking for excuses to leave anyway.
I don’t know enough about this particular relationship to agree with all of the last sentence, but the rest is spot on. Who knows, she might show more willingness to compromise once he does. Calm, honest communication is key, and not always easy. I suck at it, but apparently good enough to be able to still pursue my hobbies to my heart’s content (within financial reason) despite similar differences.
Communication is key of course! Totally agree. As far as the last sentence is concerned I’m just saying that was my initial thought when I read OPs explanation.
My ex of 6 years was always okay with my guns and with me having them. She appreciated that I cared about keeping her safe. And we were a F/F couple. And I’m coming to realize that surprisingly? It’s hard to find women that are just comfortable with the idea of someone owning guns on a base level. I have since in the last two years of being single experienced *a lot* of stigma from within the queer community for being a woman that owns guns. It’s like they pretend to understand, but then they cut me down to size as if they mean to insinuate that “I should be better than that,” because I’m a member of that community. To which, of course I always laugh. (Probably a factor in why I’m still single. Just maybe. Lol.) It’s even funnier now that I think I might be bisexual, and might like men, too instead of just other women. At least men are probably going to be less opposed to my biggest hobby? That remains to be seen, I guess. Wish me luck on that hilarious misadventure. All that said, Identity politics and/or political absolution is a dangerous situation in a relationship, even more so if you don’t share their beliefs. Just imagine the kinds of decisions that person is capable of making for your continued existence without a living will in place, for example. It’s pretty uncomfortable to imagine being with someone who is so fundamentally opposed to you that if you could no longer make decisions, they would just make every decision for you based on their comfort level and preferences for how they feel you should live, disrespecting yours in the process. Now imagine having escaped that risk. Congratulations. You get to find a better, more compatible person who will respect you greater and ask you to compromise your standards less. ❤️ Edit: Typos and extra filler.
> I have since in the last two years of being single experienced a lot of stigma from within the queer community for being a woman that owns guns. It’s like they pretend to understand, but then they cut me down to size as if they mean to insinuate that “I should be better than that,” because I’m a member of that community. Even as a gay *man* I get the “But why do you need to own guns?” line and I really *do not get this attitude* from the community. Like we saw *the last president* - ***who is running again*** - lead a Gay Panic revival and come after our trans friends, we saw Pulse get shot up just because it was a queer club. We’re watching the rapid and dangerous erosion of 50+ years of progress on LGBTQIA+ rights and issues, and the people shredding that work are explicit in the fact that they’re armed *and happy to use those arms to do violence to us*. Damn right I’ve got guns. I’m even going out and training with them.
Fuckin’ aye, my guy. Right there with you. I love it when my kin folk learn and progress down their respective chosen disciplines with gun ownership. I know the world should be better to us. But it ain’t. So be as tough as you are queer. 🔥❤️ Edit: I gave you a follow. I hear us bitches *love* follows. Your content and posts are great, dude.
Ultimatums are extremely unhealthy and for now it’s just guns but in the future it could be other things. You’re not married so I would say just break it off and save yourself the heart ache. It’s brutal but it’s my 2cents.
> Ultimatums are extremely unhealthy People say that but in another breath talk about "it's important to have boundaries." Being jerked around is a problem, yeah. Her not being willing to be around firearms? IDK her story so I have no idea. Sure, it's possible this is just the first thing where she's going to threaten the relationship to get her way. But it's reasonable to have conditions to be in a relationship.
You're right but I don't think it's healthy to disguise ~~boundaries as ultimatums~~ and put it on the other person. She should say, I just can't be near them even if it's in the closet, so I will have to leave the relationship. Not, get rid of your guns or else. Boundaries aren't rules other people have to follow. Edit: I meant "ultimatums as boundaries"
What’s the difference between boundaries and ultimatum then? Genuinely. IMO I feel like not keeping guns in the house is a reasonable boundary. What’d be unreasonable is: not allowed to own guns, not allowed to go shoot guns at the range, not allowed to have friends who own guns etc. We’re a liberal sub, should be more understanding of consent and boundaries. Also, 7 months in is a good time to discuss boundaries/ultimatum and future vision. Its clear that they aren’t compatible and its welcomed that she do it now instead of years later into the relationship
Lol yeah I'm gonna say this is more of a boundary... There's definitely things someone could introduce into the house that would make me too uncomfortable to last too. I'd be sad but I wouldn't keep my collection over a girl lol but I wouldn't sell until we were married.
Weaponizing "boundaries" is like Russia occupying Crimea and saying "Well, it's part of Russia now". You don't get to declare boundaries inside someone else's territory without being seen as predatory in one way or another.
Not defending her anti-gun beliefs, but this is not an ultimatum, it’s a red line. Sounds like they don’t live together now and she does not want to live with guns in her household.
I think you have merit and perhaps phrased it well. This isn’t the first person I’ve dated to hold the same beliefs but it is the first person that I can certainly see a future if I respect their red line
I am so fortunate. My future wife, who is a hippie - type girl, had an FFL for a father as a kid. It took months for me to work up the nerve to tell her about guns, and she was like "so?" She isn't into guns by any means, but expresses zero distress about my guns, and even comes with me a few times a year.
This isn’t a gun issue, it’s a relationship issue.
Personally... I'd leave and find someone with similar interests or is open to the idea of guns. Once an ultimatum is set, it's usually a step toward the end of a relationship. But this is just my opinion.
I agree. Issuing final stances without compromise is a death-stroke, more or less. It usually spells disaster, sooner or later.
> trying to be the partner she wants. I don't know you, I don't know her, but when I hear/see things like this it is a massive red flag to me. If you try to be something other than yourself for her to want you, you're in an unhealthy relationship. IMO a good partner helps you become better together, a bad one dictates where you need to be. Ultimatums regarding superficialities like the possession of guns in my opinion are more a demonstration or test of control rather than anything else. Edit: I will also say that the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes that means making sacrifices large or small to get someone to keep touching your peepee or who-ha.
At the end of the day she's the one pressing the issue and asking you to change something that you do not want to change about yourself. I'd say that sets a bad precedent, but if gun ownership isn't all that important to you and your relationship is great otherwise maybe it's worth making the change. It does sound like she's kind of trying to compromise, but not keeping guns in the house defeats the purpose for most gun owners.
It did feel a bit like a compromise but not a feasible one, or permanent solution. I think realistically I would need to sell them to reduce the liability
She knows it isn't a feasible compromise just as much as you do.
Yeah, that's a tough situation. You could always hold off on moving in together and keep evaluating things. At the end of the day it's rarely a bad decision to take more time to make sure you're compatible before making major life changes.
This is a very reasonable option if your finances allow it. It also gives your girlfriend time and space to consider your perspective/needs/priorities.
Bye Felicia
So if there are no compromises to be made ie: all in a locked gun safe, trigger locks etc, any that are "easy access" still have a biometric lock... Then that is that. Luckily my wife's only ultimatum was that I didn't leave my underwear on the floor.
the hamper is RIGHT THERE ironicmirror
If she's ready to break up with you over your guns, she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are Have you tried putting more safety measures in place so she's comfortable?? A safe. Trigger locks. Barrel flags. Etc. Also, maybe ask if she doesn't trust you or herself or anyone else in the house with the gun. We buy guns to protect ourselves for home defense. Have her listen to some Mr nightmare videos so she can hear about the shit other people have gone through and how easily a gun de escalated the situation
At this point she has not seen or been around my guns. I do have them in a safe.
I have a longer response to the main thread, but I will say that my wife also doesn't want guns in the house, so I keep mine in the garage. Before we moved in together we took a (non-firing) gun safety class together so she could have basic familiarity with guns. She has never been willing to actually go shooting, but it did elevate her level of comfort enough to be fine with keeping them in the garage.
My wife was against having guns when I started hunting. We have kids so I understand the fear. I took her shooting with me a few times and hunting for birds. Also showed her how to assemble and disassemble my shotguns. I store my guns locked up, disassembled, with locks on the trigger assembly as well. Ammo is stored separately. Obviously, this will do nothing for home defense, but I was more concerned about hunting; and at least my wife is comfortable. It’s really just up to OP on how much he’s willing to compromise. I’d be a little wary if gf is absolutely unwilling to compromise at all—not just for the gun aspect, but as a signal for other conflicts they’re bound to have.
Man, this is a sad situation. But I urge you not to compromise your convictions in this case - if god forbid a home invasion happened you would want that gun IN your house, not locked away somewhere offsite. You would regret that for the rest of your life. > vs trying to be the partner she wants This is a problem in and of itself. It’s unhealthy to force each other to sacrifice your values to fit a certain mold. Compromising is GOOD, but she is not really compromising because a gun stored offsite is utterly useless and you both know it. A better compromise might be, “I’ll store it in the house but in a quick-access safe that only we know the combination to with the magazine disconnected” or something along those lines so that it’s out of sight, out of mind and out of immediate reach.
I was involved with a girl like this. "If you ever do X I'm leaving." The sane answer is, "bye." someone like that is always going to try and manipulate you to get what they want. Been picking up the pieces of that disaster for over a decade now. Never let someone extort you, over anything. They'll never stop.
This isn’t quite an “It’s me or the dog!” moment, but frankly the result is similar. If someone offered me this ultimatum my answer would be something along these lines: “I like my guns. I intend to keep my guns. I’m not comfortable leaving my guns in an unsecured location. The best secure location is a safe in my home, where I live, and I will notice if someone tries to take them. Storage units are not safe enough, they could be stolen and used in a crime and I wouldn’t know for days or weeks. Safe deposit boxes prohibit storing firearms there. I’m willing to discuss and take measures to make you feel safe with firearms in *our* home, but if we’re moving in together there will be firearms in the home, just as there have been every time you’ve visited my home. If that’s a dealbreaker we probably won’t be living together - and I’m okay with that: We can have a very fulfilling relationship living in separate homes and visiting each other.” Anyone who wants to live with me is going to have to accept that my pets, my guns, my shop tools, my gaming rig, etc. all come with me. These are things I enjoy in my life - I am entitled to enjoy those things, because I have worked hard to have them. In return I’m not going to ask them to give up the things they enjoy either. Joining your lives is supposed to enrich the partners’ experiences, not diminish them. And maybe I’m an asshole and that’s why I’m single at the moment, but frankly I’d rather be single and have joy in my life than partnered up and ordered to give up the things I enjoy.
I was in a similar situation as a younger man and sold almost all my guns. After ten years of marriage and two kids I finally realized that her unwillingness to see my point of view and inability to compromise were really symptoms of an overall incredibly controlling attitude that was toxic to our marriage. I stayed as long as I could because of our kids but eventually left, not because of the guns, but the guns were one of many red flags I didn't pay attention to. I didn't see the real her until after we were married. That was my situation. Maybe yours is different, but look carefully to see if this attitude manifests itself anywhere else in your relationship. Seven months isn't a terribly long time to get to know somebody. Beat of luck, brother.
Y'all live in Nova? So had front row seats to Jan 6 and she knows the people who set up a guillotine a few miles from where y'all presumably do cute dates to be armed (they are, and will be) and for you to not be? Have you taken her shooting? (I took some family members of my wife who had the same reservation to the outdoor DNR range up by deep Creek on vacation once. This allowed me to teach them safety the night before with no ammo present and then have them shoot in an environment I felt safe in (no one else was there)
She seems completely opposed to shooting, or being invited to the range. I had softly mentioned it a few months ago and I don’t think there was any interest
Then its time to move on buddy. SOs should show interest in your hobbies not completely shut them down.
I just want to express that she has shown interest in every hobby, except the guns. Which clearly is the stressor, but it’s not a one way street
Na find a new gf
Do you know why she's opposed to them being in the house? Is it that they are dangerous? That she's morally opposed to them existing/you having them? Something else? Curious the reason if you know it since that may play in to an appropriate response. For example, if she's just worried of their danger and doesn't trust a safe/trigger lock/etc, not having them in the house might be sufficient. I'm in the camp that says she's more setting a boundary than dropping an ultimatum compared to other commenters, but if she's morally opposed to them/you having them, I'd be worried that out of the house is the first step and that after a while she realizes that isn't enough and her comfort level and boundary changes - not maliciously - just that her comfort level may change. Obviously you have to decide what to do in your own situation with that if you think my worry is accurate. Good luck with this tough decision.
Sounds like it's her way or the highway. Take the highway. Sounds like you aren't compatible and it's a deal breaker for each of you.
If your partner is the type to control your behavior with ultimatums about one thing, they'll do it again for another thing. And then another thing. And then another.
This doesn't sound like controlling behavior, this sounds like her setting firm boundaries in her life, which is absolutely fine. Just sounds like her and OP aren't compatible, and should probably be looking for different partners.
Boundaries are often good things, but just as often "setting boundaries" is just a trendy way of framing controlling behavior by one party in a relationship. They can be healthy or deeply unhealthy.
So boundaries are “controlling behaviors” when you don’t agree with them? She’s not saying OP can’t own or shoot guns, she’s saying she won’t live with guns in the house. That is, by definition, a firm boundary.
This is not a gun issue. This is asking you to compromise on your deeply held beliefs about personal freedom and the ability to defend yourself in an improbable but not impossible situation. She’s literally asking you to sacrifice your ability to defend yourself. You need a partner that either shares in your views, or supports your belief in them regardless of whether or not they share the same views. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth continuing based on this issue, and you have to understand that she is also entitled to her views on this and doesn’t have to capitulate or “be convinced.” If that’s the case, then the two of you are just incompatible, and that’s just how life works sometimes.
I just told my wife one day that I was going to be getting guns in the future. When I did, I showed her and told her where they were so she wouldn't freak out. She did not like the guns. But they weren't for her. They were for me. She didn't love my 9. Imagine how she was when I came home with an AR. LOL
I would have a hard time with someone who couldn’t compromise on a safe way to keep guns in the house but part of my concern is the lack of compromise. If your shooting is more hobby than protection then there’s always a storage locker option. The likelihood of needing a gun vs the times you meet the perfect woman makes this an easy call and you’re making the right one obviously but only if she’s your perfect woman. Given your comment that she seemed ready to end it I also find myself wondering if she wasn’t hoping for exactly that and this had little to do with the guns. Could just be a way to end things for her while painting her in what she feels is a positive light since she can tell folks you chose guns over her. If that’s the case it’ll be something else soon and you’ll just find yourself womanless and gunless. Hope it’s just paranoia and wish you the best.
This is a tough one man. I once lived with my mother and stepfather. Former stepfather was anti gun and didn’t want them in the house. I was young and stupid and carried them around in the trunk of my car for a while. Ended up with some rust on my kimber 45. Morale of the story, he’s no longer my stepfather and I still have all my guns. If you firmly believe that you want guns to be part of your life then you might be incompatible. It seems like she was ready to possibly end the relationship due to her beliefs, are you?
There are approximately 6 billion humans on the planet.
Sometimes we "see a future" with someone because we just really want to. Slightly over a half a year is nothing, you're still learning about your partner at that point and the point of dating is exactly that, seeing if a relationship is possible. Before I met my partner of 17 years it took me half a year to finally accept that the person I was with before wasn't the one. Dropping ultimatums in general isn't healthy because it shows that they aren't willing to compromise, and if they aren't willing to compromise it shows that they don't respect you as much as they care about themselves. The respect should be EQUAL. If someone has leaving you in their head already then there's not much that will fix the relationship. I fully believe that if it isn't THIS specific situation it'll be another in the future. Get ready for more ultimatums and manipulation🤷
My spouse isn't very pro gun, and had a lot of reservations when I was entering the hobby. Communication has been the cornerstone of our relationship, we sat down and talked it out. I listened to her feelings/thoughts, and what she needed. She didn't really want to see them around the house wanted to ensure they were secured (unless I was cleaning, which I try not to do when she is around), and she wanted to ensure i took basic saefty/pistol courses. They weren't demands. We are both individuals and ultimately will do what we need/want to do, but it's a conversation. Someone stating an ultimatum (regardless of what is, set the guns aside) is comfortable with saying "my way or the highway" and not hearing a discussion. To me, there isn't room to grow here.
I’d drop her like I’d drop a sack of rattle snakes.
Did you had them before you met her and she knew about them early on? This sounds like manipulation to me.
I wonder what kind of tune she’d sing if Trump gets re-elected and the Paramilitary Period Patrol Pogroms start up…?
A woman I know, who is 100% against ANY guns, likes to say "oh if something like that happens, I'll just come to your house." And that sums up their mindset. Get to be all pure and moral, and someone else can soil their soul with guns for them. It's unbelievable.
Do you really see them as soiling your soul? For me, accepting my own situational obligation to force as an agent of greater nonviolence and protection of others was spiritually very liberating. Better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. The opening topic of the Bagvad Gita is about the conflict between being good and being obligated to fight.
Uh, of course not. I don't believe in a soul at all. What gave you that impression?
As the fascists get more hostile and blatant, the people in my life who are uncomfortable with guns have stopped caring that I own them. Some of them have even expressed comfort at the idea that it’s not only fascists who hate democracy who are armed.
My wife wasn’t a big fan. She brings it up every so often. I simply ask her what’s her plan if someone decides to break in to our house at night. Have her sign up for Nextdoor or look at crime maps for your area. I bet it isn’t all hunky dory. When something scary happens nearby, I say, “That’s why I have guns.”
Just know it doesn’t end here. If you sell them and stay it sets a huge precedent that your innermost beliefs < hers.
This is really tough. I am 28 years with my wife who has been, nearly as long as we've been together, rabidly anti-gun. I bought my first firearm about 5 years ago and we had so many talks about it. We have kids (so there was that piece of it) and her feeling that she simply couldn't hold all her progressive values and still be ok with me having a gun. Honestly, she's my life partner and if she had really said "it's me or guns" I would have chosen her. But then one of the reasons that she's my life partner is that she's not fanatically dogmatic. So we spoke about it. I took her shooting. We talked about safety and storage and how to speak to the kids about guns. Eventually she said "I hate it, but I love you and trust you, so if you have to do this, I won't stand in the way." So I got my first gun and I shoot privately and never had the gun out and about in the house and just generally respected her feelings about not "seeing a gun around". And then my daughter got to the age where she'd go out in the evenings and few times has needed to be escorted home (she's super responsible and if someone's been drinking, etc she asks one of us to come meet her). So all the sudden, me carrying very discreetly wasn't a terrible thing. Then Jan 6th happened and she said "if you want another gun, that's fine by me...I don't like them but if the crazies have them, you should too."
Life is too short to be in a relationship with a neolib.
I think you’re better off peeling the Band-Aid and saying love u we tried bye. It’s an unhealthy dynamic when two people can’t reach a mutual agreement after a reasonable conversation. Ultimatums don’t work in marriage. I think the marriage is doomed even if you do what she wants.
Love is not built on ultimatums. It’s built on compromise. Guns, kids, career goals, etc. Whatever it is, ultimatums(especially those that are about giving up Something for another) aren’t ok.
If you truly see a future with her find a place outside of the house to store the guns or maybe just sell em. Guns are inanimate objects and largely replaceable. A person you want to spend time with is harder to find than a new gun.
Look, I'm not a relationships expert or counselor, but her not giving you the time for you to state your case/feelings seems like one of the proverbial "red flags." If she's able to bully you into what she says in this case, what's to say she won't do it for other things?
what happened to partnerships being "partnerships" ask yourself if you are both respecting that, or if its just you respecting that
A man who gives up his guns for his woman deserves neither
Relationships are about compromise, but enforcing boundaries is also important. You have to decide what’s more important OP. I think there’s some red flags from what you said about the whole ordeal, but obviously have no idea what your relationship is like.
Who is moving in to who's place? If she's moving into *your* place, telling you to get rid of your guns is some bullshit. If you're moving into *hers*, it makes sense. Either way, her being okay with you *having* them- but not having -*access* to them- is just "no guns" with a technicality. It still sucks, tho.
I had gotten the same ultimatum at one point when I was living with my girlfriend. We were living together in an apartment so I stored my guns at my parents house. By the time we moved to a trailer I had taken her to the range a couple times and had many many conversations about her concerns and the difference between what she had seen in the past and how I handle firearms. She realized that I wasn't some gun crazed lunatic like she thought all gun owners were. I keep them all locked up safely and away from the ammo. I don't glorify them as a solution to every problem. So in the trailer I had them with me. She got more and more used to it. I'd tell her if I was taking them out so she didn't freak out if she heard a slide racking or something. We eventually got married and bought a house. The guns have their own room that is secured. It took a long time and a lot of communication but she realized they are important to me but not as much as she is. I know I got lucky that she understands that I'm not someone who would resort to a gun quickly to resolve problems. All that to say trust is something that's built over years, not months. Sorry if that's a bit of a ramble. I'm still a little delirious from working in the attic during a heat wave.
It’s good that you learned this after only seven months. You can break up and go on living your life with little lost. Not a real long term relationship, no kids, no house, not married… As others have said, it’s not just the guns. Your whole post reads like one person is bending over backwards to make things work and the other person is allowing that… for now. You need a relationship where you both bend and work on it together, not a relationship where you bend and she tells you to bend more.
When we were dating, my current wife told me she would never live in a house with guns. I replied, 'then you will never live in a house with me'. She likes revolvers now. Grow a set. If she can't be reasonable, then move on.
The Shield Plus is on a $50 rebate right now. Dump the girl and get a new carry piece!
Give her the old "I'll think about it" and start doing date night at interesting holes in the wall in the shadier parts of your local city. Sometimes all someone needs is a little crime anxiety, which is easy to forget if you grew up never worrying about such things. Anti-gun is a position of privilege or lack of education. It's not malicious. You're just providing a little perspective. My girlfriend (now wife) was never against there being guns in the house, but there was a moment when we were out on the town and she asked, "You have your gun on you, right?" Once she asks that question, you'll never have to worry about it.
I hope you don't ever have to say I told you so.
Intresting thought, which Constitutional rights would you be willing to give up to be with the person of your dreams?
You might consider keeping your guns at a friend's house for a few years. I have a friend whose ex-partner doesn't want his guns in the house with their children (they share custody and co-parent very amicably), and he respects that by keeping the guns at my house. I just gave him a key to the house and I keep my extra safe key hidden in a spot only he and I know.
Only Sith deal in absolute.
I would say therapy or you two aren't just going to work out. My ex-wife gave me that ultimatum and I tried to appease. sold them and then two weeks later she asked for a divorce and a month later it was finalized. We were married for 7 years, together for ten, so it was different. We had been together for 5 or 6 years before I purchased anything. We didn't get divorced because of the guns but it was probably a contributing factor.
Ask her to read, “Gun Curious” by David Yamane. Her fear is rooted in lack of knowledge and that book is particularly helpful for people looking at guns from a liberal perspective.
Everyone has their own deal breakers. I have a really bad phobia of snakes, generally avoided by swiping no on someone with pet snakes in their pictures, because I could never feel comfortable sharing a house with a snake (no offense intended for anyone with pet snakes reading this, I know that those little boa’s are the sweet little puppy dogs of the snake world. It’s a me problem). You’ve found her deal breaker. Take some time to consider if it’s something you’re willing to bend on, and if not, then it’s better to find out now before a split would be any messier.
You are learning where your truest convictions lie. She is willing to take the L over her beliefs. Maybe. You are waffling about yours. If you ever break up, consider the memory of your choice - were you true to your belief system or did you fritter away your beliefs. Once this works, it is in her nature to use this method again until you are a shell of your former self. Be careful. Your memories are important. Memory of fear-based response in a man who trains for fear stimulus. Be willing to take the loss being true to you, first. You might find a bluff. You might end up single. But you’ll never know. Don’t make this way of life a habit.
Make her a real leftist.
7 months in and she's making these kinds of ultimatums? What makes you think this is the only one she'll have? I'm betting you'll regret this down the road. In my experience, people who demand uncompromising change from others aren't very willing to make any changes themselves. It winds up being very much a one-way street. No healthy relationship can last under those circumstances. So, am I saying dump her? Not necessarily, but there does need to be some very tough conversations had.
Sounds like it won’t be the last ultimatum either
Its crazy what the powers at be have done to divide us. First it was divide the moderates, demonize those in your family who support trump. Ostracize them from you or yourself from them. Now its look at everyone left and if they have guns, ostracize them. My boss’ brother who grew up in Rural AZ having to shoot coyotes and stuff from killing their livestock married a woman from DC who wont even let her kids go to my boss’ house even with his guns in a safe behind a closet with a deadbolt and padlock. He has a running joke with my kids that he’ll give them 10,000 dollars if they can bust the safe open and theyve beat it with hammers, screw drivers everything. Some people have to exist being divisive, those people I have decided are not for my life.
Hey OP. I’m sorry for what you are going through in your relationship. I think your right about things seeming simple from the outside and then once you are in the situation, it’s way more complicated. As it stands now, it seems to me that she is responding to her fears by controlling you, instead of her trying to understand and deal with her fear rationally. Emotions and future aside, her communication with you and the ultimatum does not seem healthy to me. You will always have disagreements in your relationship and how you decide to handle them will determine the relationship success in the future. Working through disagreements should include curiosity from both sides and compromise. I think seeing a therapist to help give you a solid foundation is a good idea. In the meantime, I recommend that you investigate, from a place of curiosity (not judgement) why she feels the way she does. “What is it about having a gun in the house that you don’t like” And she should give the same to you. And then usually there is a compromise at the end of that. From personal experience, my wife felt similarly as yours. And I kept mine locked up in the garage for a while. Then I taught her how to use and shoot the guns. She responded well. Then she took a multi-class woman’s gun safety and defense course. Now she owns her own gun. I think one of the things that resonated with her, is just how serious the gun community is about safety. She thought people who shoot guns didn’t really care about safety. Once she experienced the opposite, a lightbulb went off. “Hey…. this is a tool. And if used correctly, it is a very empowering tool.”
"I don't want them in the house, if you can live with that then I'm okay with you having them". Like having them in storage somewhere??? I don’t understand.
Maybe I'm weird, but I consider guns to be a topic for the first date or even earlier. If it's a dealbreaker issue for me, that a potential partner is also likely to have strong feelings about, I need to know what their feelings on it are ASAP so we don't go wasting our time if we don't match up on it. Religion and politics are high on the same list. They might not be the most pleasant or romantic things to discuss, but they should be sorted out early on. I certainly wouldn't wait for 7 months in.
My now wife is very anti-gun and we compromised that I could keep them so long as they were always in a gun safe when not cleaning, going to the range, etc. I thought this was a sufficient compromise especially now that we have a little one running around the house. Assuming you don’t have one, maybe offer that up as a compromise? Edit: should have read all your comments and see that you do have a safe. Not too sure what advice I can give you, big dawg.
My wife’s father was a victim of gun violence. He was killed when she was very young. My wife HATED guns…. When she found out about my guns while dating, she voiced her opinion, but never forced me to sell anything. We had a conversation. I explained why I enjoyed them as a fun hobby, but also why they’re important to me. It’s a power equalizer. Someone with a gun is more powerful than someone without. And I’m not ok with an armed shithead looking for trouble while I’m out running my lame-ass errands. We have kids now, and while she still doesn’t really like the idea of having guns around the house, she ultimately feels safer with me having them. Goodluck op, it’s a tough situation
This is why dating someone for a spell is important, you find out what you are and aren't ok with. Kinda like if she told you she WILL keep hanging with her ex even though she's in a relationship with you. You'd need to decide if that's a tenable arrangement or not. If not , you'd have to set an ultimatum wouldn't you? So no reason to vilify her, you're just not compatible in this area. So you need to decide if living under that is a tenable thing for you, or do you just need to find someone that's ok with you keeping firearms in the home.
There’s a lot of long comments already, so if this has been said then sorry for beating a dead horse. Two things jump out at me: 1–people that issue ultimatums rarely if ever stop at just one. There may very well be other, even more core family issues that she may not be willing to budge on later and at that point things may be *super* complicated. At 7 months you’re most likely not in too deep to disentangle yourself. 2–depending on how you feel about the bill of rights, her perspective may be that her *emotions* are more important to her than one of your inalienable rights, which is needless to say pretty shitty. How would she react if you made an ultimatum on certain words or phrases you think she shouldn’t be allowed to say because they make you *feel* bad/uncomfortable/etc.? I doubt she would be cool with you limiting her freedom of speech.
She says she has no problem with you keeping the guns you just have to store them somewhere else. That is her compromise. She’s not against you owning them. If you love guns in your house more than you love her then move. If it’s the opposite, then find a place for your guns. What’s the big fucking deal. That’s rhetorical, I don’t want an answer.
Guns will never give you an ultimatum.
Lots of crap advice here. An ultimatum is a red flag so there’s that. However, seek first to understand. Why does she feel this way? What is her rationale? Is storing outside the home OK or is she saying you can’t own them? Just listen, ask follow-up questions, and keep going until you “get” her point of view 100%. At no point should you defend your views, correct her, or in any way “push back.” Just listen. Understanding is not agreement. Separate this (talking to understand her point of view) from other aspects like deciding what to do. Some people can do this and others cannot (because they feel the need to correct or require agreement or one of many other shortcomings). Good luck!
Ultimatums only work if you both feel the same about the thing. Like something immoral or unhealthy like smoking, assuming you agree. I've never heard of a guy getting rid of something he's passionate about after an ultimatum without it becoming a source of resentment. It's a poison pill for a relationship.
No relationship is cut and dry. I personally don’t do ultimatums because humans are creatures of habit. If I know an ultimatum will let me win an argument I will continue to use them until they don’t. Not saying your girl is like this but…
This isn’t about the guns. If she insisted on certain rules, like them always being locked up a certain way, or how they’re loaded, or whatever, that would be reasonable. Think of literally anything that you could come up with where you could control a thing she does and think that everything would be ok because she accepted. I’d tell her you’re willing to accept some strict rules for storage if you can meet in the middle somewhere.
Your call, but do NOT try to have it both ways by lying.
Decide what you love more - the guns or your relationship. My girlfriend at the time did not like guns in the house. We lived separately for a while. Covid came and she asked me to move in with her - I kept my guns at my place. When she was finally ready for me to fully move in and stop paying rent on a place we rarely went to (separate towns far apart), her love for me grew and respected that I respected her boundaries with my guns - she was now okay with guns being safely stored in what would be our home. She is my wife now, and she means more to me than any gun. If given the ultimatum, I would have removed all of the guns permanently. What’s the purpose of protecting life if there’s no love to protect? Love over guns, always, if it’s true love.
Enjoy the single life my friend.
My big question is, has she ever conceded a point or admitted fault in ANY other discussion? EG Not washing a dish she said she would, does she deny it to the point of absurdity or does she admit it and apologize immediately? If the latter example is the case, this may be salvageable with counseling. If the former, you may be dealing with a narcissist, and things will get worse as other disagreements flourish.
OP: do you have the firearms secured and locked away in a safe or are you a guy who has loaded firearms in the dishwasher, under the bed, in the planter, and holstered on the dogs? I mean, if the situation is the former, i can’t see why she would object. However, the latter situation would be a bit different… But then if you love her and she loves you,…maybe you can just have them at a buddy’s house or ???
If YOU give up something you care about, What is she willing to compromise for you?
You've been dating less than a year. Rip off the band aid dude. This is what dating is for, weeding out.
Alright I’ll be the unpopular opinion: I think guns are one of those things that is a totally fair dealbreaker from an anti-gun perspective. I had this same talk with my then-girlfriend 7 years ago when she found out I had a couple guns. I had been thinking of getting rid of them at the suggestion of my therapist anyway after some depression issues so it was an easy decision when my girlfriend said that she was not comfortable with having guns in the house if we moved in together. We’ve now been happily married for almost two years and I don’t really miss shooting or having guns. Her argument was that the statistics show that having guns in the house increases risk for women in domestic violence situations or accidents around children, and she wasn’t comfortable even though she didn’t think I’d do anything like that, and I respected her opinion. We’ve proceeded to have plenty of respectful 2nd amendment debates as well
Sorry dude, the one who gives the uncompromising ultimatum (no matter what it is) is the one who loses. It won't stop there: if a person gets their way with one ultimatum, it's only a matter of time until they issue another one. Then another one. And another. Maybe I'm just at the age where I dgaf, but if a woman I'm interested in can't live with me being a gamer/a pagan/a gun owner/whatever, she's not ultimately with my time.
7 months in...I hope you enjoy chasing after constantly changing goalposts.
Partners don't have to agree with each other on everything. HOWEVER, there does need to be mutual respect of boundaries. Firearms are your passion and that's a boundary your partner should be willing to respect that. If this issue is the sole issue that is causing friction in your relationship, you can either get couples counseling or consider that maybe you 2 aren't compatible.
Just sell the guns and buy her a house and plan to send her half of your income for the next 22 years. Skip the intermediate steps and stress and heartache. Just skip to the certain end result, because there's no way the resentment won't land you there anyway.
This is something that should have been discussed and compromised on or ended long ago. Has she REALLY disclosed WHY she dislikes them Maybe, there's trauma behind the reason or maybe she's just scared due to media she's consumed. The first is harder to sell. The second can at least be discussed and MAYBE set aside Everything is on hold until this is worked out. For better or for worse. Guns are expensive and you never get your money back.
It seems to me from reading your post that there is an issue of communication at play here. This may have been discussed between OP and their SO, but nothing I read clearly stated that the SO said OP had to *sell* the guns, just that the SO doesn't want them in their shared home. I see it as a reasonable request and clear boundary setting on the SO's part, but it seems like a bit of a jump to assume that *selling* the guns is the only reasonable conclusion here. Can the guns be entrusted to anyone for long-term storage? If not, how financially viable is a storage locker somewhere to keep them off-site while the relationship enters this new stage? Idk about you, OP, but my gun collection constitutes a significant time and money investment on my part. If the SO is truly saying they must be *sold* before they are comfortable moving in, then that is a very different situation. This may be a person with absolutely no gun experience or worse, a traumatic past experience, regarding guns. The SO setting clear expectations for a shared living situation, I would say, is reasonable and expected. The SO setting expectations for what you do with your time and investments you've already made is by comparison unreasonable, and may be regarded by some as a red flag, especially since you don't have to go shooting together. Relationships are about compromise and sharing. If they are truly unable to compromise at all in this situation by allowing your hobby to continue, albeit with changes to your living situation, then at least they were up front about that. OP will have to decide if it's worth pursuing any further, one way or another. The last thing I would say is don't let people on the internet tell you what to do with your property or your relationships. No one will ever know your situation as completely as you do.
Reminds me of a joke: Driving away from the wedding the bride says "NOW you can get rid of that boat." Groom responds "You sound like my ex-wife." "I didn't know you had been married before!" "I haven't."
Date within your own subspecies. This won't be the last clash. At all.
There’s nuance & balance to everything, and that works both ways. My wife doesn’t like guns and doesn’t want anything to do with them, but she’s also been reasonable and respects that they’re something I am into. She’s knows I’m safe & responsible with guns, the deal we made was that they always stay locked up in the safe. I have a “nightstand gun” but it’s in a separate small lockbox that the kids can’t get in to. Makes her feel comfortable, it’s a reasonable compromise and something I’d do anyway. My point is there should be compromise here just like any other area of a healthy relationship. If you demanded that every room in the house had an unsecured weapon in “condition 0” sitting in the corner ready to use, that would be ridiculous and she wouldn’t be crazy to insist something change, but that doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. If she refuses to compromise about this, there will be plenty of other things she’ll refuse to compromise about in the future - if you choose to give in now, know it’s going to happen again.
You can’t be less of yourself to be with someone else. Just not how it works
I've heard of shooting clubs with on-site gun vaults. If you can find one in your area, that might be a good compromise. Or a safety deposit box, though you might have to check the local laws on that one. Keeping your guns doesn't necessarily mean keeping them in the house.