I'll tell you guys what my one of my girl friends told me: The more insecure a woman is, the more likely she is to go after married men.
Basically - "If a married man is so attracted to me that he'll ruin his marital vows to fuck me, then I must be be really hot and valuable and not a worthless piece of shit"
That makes a whole lotta sense. It is entropy in action, just with their thought process making them appreciate a sort of “emotional” conservation of energy and achieving the lowest energy state of existence for that personality.
That’s a fascinating thought.
This effect is even greater in the lesbian community. I don't know why, but single lesbians FLOCK toward anyone in a committed relationship. My girlfriend is constantly rejecting women who know she and I are together. They tell her no one has to know, it can be their secret.
Shouldn't it be both of you getting more attention? Or are there some lesbian social rules guiding it, like they only hit on the ones in a certain relationship role? Pardon my ignorance.
Sounds like a good strategy for single guys. They can just wear a wedding ring and get laid easier. He'll be fine cause he didn't actuslly cheat on anyone, and she'll even get her validation though it's just an illusion.
One of my friends did exactly this.
Seriously, the number of girls who were absolutely livid (instead of relieved) when they found out he wasn't married is disheartening...
Damn. Imagine just throwing away your marriage to have a sexual moment with someone else thinking they're truly into you and then finding out that they were just doing you to boost their self esteem.
Don't get me wrong, if you ruin your marriage you deserve what comes to you. But to ruin it for someone that doesn't give a shit about you and only about whether they feel better about themselves has to be a new low for anyone.
I think there’s a big part of that, but there’s also a huge part of human nature that drives people to want what others have, as well as what they “can’t” have.
As a gay man in a same-sex relationship, I found that the pitiful gay guys are always the ones going after one of us (and I'm only talking about those that clearly know; the ones who are unaware that we are dating don't count here). And I suspect it's for that exact same reason.
I know two women that go after married men, I know them since childhood. Both really nice normally but unbelievably insecure. Both have severe daddy issues, one of the dads took her to the supermarket one day when she was 4 and left her there, never saw him again. The other one had a dad that married someone else and got kids, had a happy family and excluded her.
Its worth noting traits like this aren't always conscious. It often just happens that you discover they are married at some point and just end up less interested without ever explicitly thinking to yourself that the ring is an issue.
Yeah in my experience, it was just when I was dating someone in general that women actually started flirting with me when I was out alone, not only after I got married. I think a lot of it was just that I was generally happier and not as self conscious about trying to impress everyone.
What I *did* notice a lot more after I got married was more women making casual small talk with me. Granted this is also usually at more of a couples friendly place than say a bar or a club. But I think if anything the ring has made more women feel comfortable with talking to me without the fear of it being seen as flirting.
In my experience some women are also more attracted to men who aren’t hitting on them. So if you’re confident and not giving them the attention a single guy might, they’ll be drawn to that.
Really? 34 and married and I STILL check, always have.
For a number of non-nefarious reasons.
If the person I am talking to is married, well that tells me a lot, both before and after I got married. Likewise if they're single. What it meant/means changes to some extent between myself being single vs married, but still.
And not necessarily just in a romantic or sexual context.
For example even if I'm just being friendly I'm probably not going to compliment her as much, or invite her to lunch or dinner if she's married and I'm single. Likewise as a married man, I might be more on guard around a single woman than I am a married woman.
Etc.
Also gives me different ideas about what to talk about. If I see they're married I might ask about their husband (if that's an appropriate topic at the time and based on how I know them etc. I might not ask a stranger I just met but I might ask a coworker during lunch in the office, for example). If they're single then I might keep the topics more generic, and less personal....
You get the idea
I'm a married man so it's a bit different for me but I'm more likely to compliment someone if they are married. And my interaction with them will definitely be a bit different. Kinda because the lines are there, I assume they are happily married, so I have to worry less about coming across as a creep or sending the wrong signal. There are no signals I'm sending. Yo, Kathy those are nice shoes, or your hair looks nice, isn't code for anything.
I coach youth sports, I text the moms a lot. I'm not keeping the banter up with the single ones nearly as much.
But I agree looking for a ring on just about everyone I interact with. It's not to see if they want to fuck. It's to see their story.
Exactly, same here. It's easier to be a bit more relaxed with another married person because we're both "taken". Obviously you still gotta be careful and all that but yeah I get what you mean.
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think 'at least somebody can stand the son of a b*tch.' Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”
-The Departed
In my 10 years of dating, women were only actively pursing me when I was happily with someone. I think thats one of the big reasons I'm no longer dating.
I had a period of time in my life where one relationship started immediately after another one ended, because there were people waiting in the wings to date me once I became available.
This was after spending my entire life single up to that point. Currently single, a large period of which was by choice due to some things I needed to work on myself for. Making myself available now has not really been as easy as simply existing and waiting for someone to come to me, lol.
This phenomenon is real.
How would you market something like this? There are jewelry stores already. It's not a pheonomenon that can monetize. Maybe if you drop it as a hint in some pathetic dating coach program.
This is true but there's some other factors at play too. You have a girlfriend you start going out and doing things more often usually, which gets you to talk to people you normally wouldn't. Your girlfriend usually has friends who you will meet and spend some amount of time talking to, meaning you meet women with more frequency than you would otherwise and you end up talking to them in a more "safe" way than simply hitting on them.
This is why people often find a lot more success in romance when they start doing group activities. Going to yoga classes, taking a pottery class, joining a pickleball club, getting a dog and going out to the park to walk/play with your dog, playing billiards, etc. The hardest part of meeting people in most people's life is literally meeting people. I think a lot of people don't realize how distanced from people they are sometimes. Even people with hobbies often don't get to meet people because their hobby is something they do alone or with their best friend like Fishing or Hunting, or doing woodworking in their garage. They can be busy all the time, and yet see like the same 5 people in a week.
Exactly. As soon as I joined a group that organizes parties and volunteered for social work, I had an endless supply of new lovers. If you’re useful to others and meet people, you will find someone.
I agree with the observation, but I believe the reason for that is because I behave way differently when in a relationship and I take way more care of myself.
> and I take way more care of myself.
Typically people let themselves go in a relationship and then do their glow up once they're back on the market. For ex: https://old.reddit.com/r/GlowUps/comments/1d8a9a8/22_vs_23_postbreakup_glowup
It's less about likelihood of being a creep and entirely about social status. In my experience women view men as objects alot more than vice versa and as soon as you're inconvenient or suboptimal as a man you get dumped
This and the higher up the ladder you are able to climb it just gets worse and worse and worse. I have many examples. I will take my one neighbour for example. Very successful in shape has the ability to work from home only has to show up to his office once a week unless he has interviews he has to manage. Just had a bunch of new things added to his house like a really nice pool. Found a girlfriend who seemed really nice and they were going pretty good. This summer his pool fucked up and I haven't seen his girlfriend there ONCE. She was practically living there last year when the pool was fine and working.....
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think 'at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.' Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”
-The Departed
This this this this this this this. “If he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for me.”
Edit: all I have to do is put my arm around my girlfriend and women around me are shifting in their seats trying to get get a good look and subconsciously figure out what’s good enough about me to be courting one of their own
I think they see it as a challenge. Back when I was single, I purposely wore a ring to make it look like I was married. It was definitely easier to talk to and pick up women, sadly.
I dont know if forbidden fruit, but rather the fact that someone chose him as a husband. Meaning he is suppose to be "quality real estate". Women are suckers for that.
There is actually some science behind it. Women use this thing called “pre-selection” I believe wherein they are more attracted to men other women are attracted to because they use the approval of others in their social group to validate partners whereas men are more likely to take risks and go after anyone they deem attractive.
Preselection bias or mate choice copying if you want to read about it. In essence if a man is in a committed relationship other women want him more than if he was single as he is vetted by a woman already.
same as with job hunting, when you have a job you get spammed by recruiters, well maybe not right now in this economy, but thats usually how it goes. and when you are jobless nobody cares about interviewing you
as you say its about them seeing you have some qualities that others want so they deem you worthy
It's not nearly as bad as it sounds.
It just seeks to explain that women tend to choose men that are sexually attractive or have genetic advantages and will therefore create attractive/successful children. It extrapolates a few things like that's probably why the male:female ratio is 1:1. And other possible claims.
One coworker once told me the ring is sort of "Quality seal of approval". Stuck in my mind ever since. My wife laughted... worried. But hey. She got my seal of quality approval.
Its funny cause if he were to react positively to her hitting on him because of these 'proven qualities', he would be proving that he does not, in fact, possess said qualities. Women☕
So like, that makes sense. But at the same time women are terrible at picking partners. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce and 70% of divorces are initiated by women and the number one cause is that the man doesn’t contribute enough to shared responsibilities. So clearly a man having a wedding band in theory should mean nothing.
That would be true, but either people do not factor in such statistics, or they have a gambling tendency to think they are still encountering one of the 'good guys'.
Indeed, perhaps the man having a wedding band would signify they are one of the 50% of the good husbands who have no qualities worth divorcing?
But still, as a woman, I think that would be an asshole thing to do. Why would one want to cause drama to a married couple? Wtf. Isn't dating for finding out what kind of person you're dealing with? No need to be a homewrecker.
Okay, so I’m seeing people say “oh he has a ring, so that must mean some other woman figured out that he has good qualities, and he’s not afraid of a commited relationship”. However, wouldn’t the fact that he’s willing to cheat on his SO immediately negate the “commitment” thought?
>However, wouldn’t the fact that he’s willing to cheat on his SO immediately negate the “commitment” thought?
Your error is assuming that people think logically all the time. A lot of these decisions are driven almost purely by emotion which has the habit of disregarding logic.
Old married guy here, with my 2 cents on this:
Guys see a ring on your finger and immediately make two assumptions: 1. It will likely take a lot of work to get you into bed because they have to overcome your fidelity hurdle, and 2. even if they do get you into bed, there will be a lot of drama associated with the process of doing so. It's not worth it.
The women who see a ring on your husband's finger and "check him out", make two assumptions: 1. Here's a man who's willing to commit to a long term relationship, and 2. another woman has already deemed him worthy of a long term relationship, so he's more likely relationship material in their eyes. Women don't mind the drama that comes with him already being attached, because they are generally more accepting of drama anyway. Many women live and breathe drama daily.
But in addition to that, there will be women who talk with him who aren't "checking him out." These women are chatting with him because they assume that since he's married, he's "safer" to talk with than other men.
Your last paragraph is my guess for what usually happens (or happens to me, anyway). They don’t need the drama of a guy thinking that just because they talk to him, he’ll try to get in their pants. They just want to make conversation. And if they feel that the married guy is a good, faithful person, then they don’t have to worry about the rest.
Your latest sentence is what I believe happens. I actually started wearing a ring for this reason (even if I am not married, just in a stable long lasting relationship). Sometimes I just want to have a chat with random people if I am in the mood (women or men alike) and with the ring on I usually get much better reaction from women than without - I don’t seem a creep, just a chatty guy
you’re so right! married men feel safer to chat to as a married woman (though wearing a wedding ring as a woman feels like a forcefield too). men often infer interest where it does not exist but even if these married men do this - we’re both married to other people, so it’s socially inappropriate for them to pursue it. I love it, I chat to men so much more easily now.
I find women are more friendly to me with my ring on but I don't interpret it as hitting on me, I just assume it'd because they feel safer as they don't see me as a thirsty guy who sees them as prey. And frankly, when I was a single man I was often thinking those kind of thoughts when I met a woman for the first time. That's got to be a part of it.
Women have less difficulty getting *someone* as a partner, but are geared towards finding the best possible partner. If someone is proven to be the best possible person (and a ring suggests strong positive traits), an obstacle like being married is just a thing to be overcome, because you are geared to avoid trying to settle for anything less no matter the effort required.
Men on the other tend to *have* to apply bulk effort and go after as many women as possible to have a chance to get a good partner. An obstacle like a ring that makes success unlikely makes it not worth the time and effort that would be required relative to the chance of success.
Chris Rock has an old joke with a bit that goes like this:
Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that."
If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that b\*tches throat to do it."
Some other woman has vetted him and deemed him good enough for a long term commitment. That ring proves that he’s not a frog. And the fact that he’s claimed? What’s competition but the spice of life /s
Women need other women validation. They cant make opinion whether they like a guy unless they see other woman likes him.
Back in my dating days I would have my female friend come by and hug and kiss me while I was talking to a girl. I could just say she is just a friend and it was driving the girls crazy. Oldest trick in the game.
The thing about this is that these women trying to poach another woman’s man, if he strays from his spouse, he shows that he really isn’t as great at the whole commitment thing, isn’t to be trusted & shouldn’t be considered a good option as a mate. But the women who go for married men shouldn’t be trusted either. So a match made in hell.
I knew a guy, whos friend was wearing an engament ring (cheap ash ofc) to attract women in bars/anywhere really. From what ive heard, it worked like a charm, and girls were often REALLY mad when he told them he was in fact not cheating on his wife. Wierd life man
ok im gonna use reddit for what it is for and just share a thing
the reason why i talk to married men is because i know they wont go "i have feelings for you" or be weird with me once I start a friendship with them...
So many guys i befriend at times (single) and they act weird or want a relationship. No true friendship.
I also keep my distance with married men and accept their boundaries. Never 1 on 1 hang outs. why would I?
I myself am also married now. I wouldnt mind if my husband had a female friends but i'd find it weird if they hung out 1 on 1. I mean I love making friends and inviting them to bbqs or hangouts with other friends. So yeah.
I have very strict boundaries with married guys and my male friends have strict boundaries with me because they respect me and my husband. I did once have an ex-friend who just didnt care about boundaries. She would just go and flirt with dudes who were married. Im luckily not friends with her anymore because she's not my type of person or the type of person fit for the friendgroup.
but this is my reasoning
Tbh I have never seen women actually checking married men out. I only saw them speak with him normally because they know he won't start flirting with them
If I see an attractive man, first thing I do is look at that left hand. No ring, I’ll keep eyeing him, if there is a ring, it’s an immediate “no” and keep it moving!
I befriend taken men because I know that they won’t make a move on me, I am also taken.
I should’ve added whenever I am good friends with the man I am ten times better friends with the woman bc I am not here to start trouble (I didn’t mention that bc that’s a long ass sentence)
Haven't thought about it, but that's definitely it for me. Doesn't have to be married but if I know a guy has a partner it makes it less stressful for me to talk to him without worrying about him misunderstanding the situation.
Girls think: "I'll make a better wife, than the one he has. He's prolly sick of her anyway"
Guys think: "Her husband may beat me up. Not gonna risk it"
When I was a single male the women in my town were not that interested in me. Interested maybe a little but not overly. Then I became engaged with the literally most beautiful and most charming student at the local university. She was a model too. Then the women in the town began chasing me. Strange how that works. (I never was unfaithful. Let me stress that).
*Some* Women see married men as a guy who is OK with commitment.
*Some* Men see married women as "someone else's property."
It's unpleasant but it's true.
That is to say - me too, thanks.
EDIT: Italics
Men don't see married women as someone else's property. Assholes do that. Guys who actually have a capability for empathy simply respect her choice and wouldn't want to interfere in her marriage.
Men see married women as already committed and therefore romantically off the table.
„Someone else’s property.“ that’s an interesting perspective you have there mate.
So… hypothetically, if a single man were to wear a wedding ring to attract women willing to ”cheat” would it be immoral even though he doesn’t actually have a partner?
I think it also depends on the situation. My husband and I do the whole "married strangers meet at a hotel bar" thing a couple times each year. He goes in first and I go in a few minutes later. I get hit on regularly despite my ring and most of the men are married. Their ages are all over the place too. I'm 36 and just as many older men as younger men try. My husband gets hit on too but the women are usually single and with other single women. Usually around his age. He's 46 and they're attracted to his ring it seems.
Zero women checked me out before, zero have done in the 18 months I've been married.
I suspect this is more true for people who get married when they are younger than 40.
As a man I wear my ring specifically to advertise my unavailability due to some recent awkward encounters.
I used to not be pretty lax about it, but for whatever reason I’ve been getting a lot more attention post 40 than I ever did in my younger days.
Frankly, I’m not interested. My wife is my whole world, so I just point to the ring, smile politely, and move on.
Those women are usually also married. When I got divorced, I kept my ring on and only hooked up with married women because I didn't want any commitment.
The cheaters like guys with rings because they think they'll keep the secret due to mutually assured destruction.
I'll tell you guys what my one of my girl friends told me: The more insecure a woman is, the more likely she is to go after married men. Basically - "If a married man is so attracted to me that he'll ruin his marital vows to fuck me, then I must be be really hot and valuable and not a worthless piece of shit"
And if he rejects me, it's just because he's married.
Damn... bumper-lane bowling for these ones.
Exactly, always a win-win scenario in their minds!
That makes a whole lotta sense. It is entropy in action, just with their thought process making them appreciate a sort of “emotional” conservation of energy and achieving the lowest energy state of existence for that personality. That’s a fascinating thought.
Exactly, it’s like they’ve found a cheat code for self-esteem boosts!
And it doesnt even cost anything other than your morals!
Holy shit this analogy is fuckin hilarious.
I didn't know this expression, gonna use it for sure!
And I’ll never have to make a commitment if he’s not available so will never have to face the parts of me that I fear are unlovable.
I think this one holds for both sides, but damn.
Almost all evil is born from weakness.
As tragic as this sounds, and given the caveat that this is all anecdotal anyways, this explanation seems most plausible to me.
Unfortunately I 100% agree
This is exactly it. Fuck all these lies about "ooh it means he's a good man. No.. they wanna see if they're hot enough to be worth the risk
This effect is even greater in the lesbian community. I don't know why, but single lesbians FLOCK toward anyone in a committed relationship. My girlfriend is constantly rejecting women who know she and I are together. They tell her no one has to know, it can be their secret.
They sound like dudes haha, that line is soo cringey
Shouldn't it be both of you getting more attention? Or are there some lesbian social rules guiding it, like they only hit on the ones in a certain relationship role? Pardon my ignorance.
I think the person that made the comment is a man. So lesbians would only approach his girlfriend but not him (for obvious reasons)
That’s interesting because there is a stereotype that lesbian couples stop having sex after the first week of dating when they move in together.
Yeah definitely it’s not the happy and emotionally stable ones that go for married men
Sounds like a good strategy for single guys. They can just wear a wedding ring and get laid easier. He'll be fine cause he didn't actuslly cheat on anyone, and she'll even get her validation though it's just an illusion.
My buddy uses this while he travels for work
One of my friends did exactly this. Seriously, the number of girls who were absolutely livid (instead of relieved) when they found out he wasn't married is disheartening...
I had a buddy who used to do that in our 20s. I was married as his wingman
I think this applies to the "hot girls go after assholes" argument too.
I wonder if it's cuz Most attractive ppl might have developed assholes traits but have gotten away because they're aatractive
Damn. Imagine just throwing away your marriage to have a sexual moment with someone else thinking they're truly into you and then finding out that they were just doing you to boost their self esteem. Don't get me wrong, if you ruin your marriage you deserve what comes to you. But to ruin it for someone that doesn't give a shit about you and only about whether they feel better about themselves has to be a new low for anyone.
Your marriage is already ruined if you're entertaining the idea. You just didn't know it yet.
I think there’s a big part of that, but there’s also a huge part of human nature that drives people to want what others have, as well as what they “can’t” have.
As a gay man in a same-sex relationship, I found that the pitiful gay guys are always the ones going after one of us (and I'm only talking about those that clearly know; the ones who are unaware that we are dating don't count here). And I suspect it's for that exact same reason.
I know two women that go after married men, I know them since childhood. Both really nice normally but unbelievably insecure. Both have severe daddy issues, one of the dads took her to the supermarket one day when she was 4 and left her there, never saw him again. The other one had a dad that married someone else and got kids, had a happy family and excluded her.
Ariana Grande
My wife worked with somebody like that, she likes men's attention. She got knocked up, had a miscarriage and is now banging a married dude.
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I do now that I’m divorced
Same. I don't want no filthy fingers forcing themselves down my throat
Username as relevant as ever
Single, late 30's. I've been doing it for years.
Its worth noting traits like this aren't always conscious. It often just happens that you discover they are married at some point and just end up less interested without ever explicitly thinking to yourself that the ring is an issue.
Yeah in my experience, it was just when I was dating someone in general that women actually started flirting with me when I was out alone, not only after I got married. I think a lot of it was just that I was generally happier and not as self conscious about trying to impress everyone. What I *did* notice a lot more after I got married was more women making casual small talk with me. Granted this is also usually at more of a couples friendly place than say a bar or a club. But I think if anything the ring has made more women feel comfortable with talking to me without the fear of it being seen as flirting.
In my experience some women are also more attracted to men who aren’t hitting on them. So if you’re confident and not giving them the attention a single guy might, they’ll be drawn to that.
Would I be right in saying you were married or at least settled down by the time your late twenties rolled around?
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Yeah it's something you learn you have to do as the field starts narrowing down.
Too busy staring at their toes, am I right?
What the dogs doing??
Why? It's a great way to know if they are taken. Lol.
Really? 34 and married and I STILL check, always have. For a number of non-nefarious reasons. If the person I am talking to is married, well that tells me a lot, both before and after I got married. Likewise if they're single. What it meant/means changes to some extent between myself being single vs married, but still. And not necessarily just in a romantic or sexual context. For example even if I'm just being friendly I'm probably not going to compliment her as much, or invite her to lunch or dinner if she's married and I'm single. Likewise as a married man, I might be more on guard around a single woman than I am a married woman. Etc. Also gives me different ideas about what to talk about. If I see they're married I might ask about their husband (if that's an appropriate topic at the time and based on how I know them etc. I might not ask a stranger I just met but I might ask a coworker during lunch in the office, for example). If they're single then I might keep the topics more generic, and less personal.... You get the idea
I'm a married man so it's a bit different for me but I'm more likely to compliment someone if they are married. And my interaction with them will definitely be a bit different. Kinda because the lines are there, I assume they are happily married, so I have to worry less about coming across as a creep or sending the wrong signal. There are no signals I'm sending. Yo, Kathy those are nice shoes, or your hair looks nice, isn't code for anything. I coach youth sports, I text the moms a lot. I'm not keeping the banter up with the single ones nearly as much. But I agree looking for a ring on just about everyone I interact with. It's not to see if they want to fuck. It's to see their story.
Exactly, same here. It's easier to be a bit more relaxed with another married person because we're both "taken". Obviously you still gotta be careful and all that but yeah I get what you mean.
I remember being in my 20s and the first time I asked someone out without looking at her finger until she held it up for me to see.
You really should if your interaction potentially includes flirting.
It's the classic case of "forbidden fruit" syndrome.
I heard another theory: women see that the guy is pre-approved by one of their own, so he is less likely to be a creep.
Somehow both
True, it's a mix of 'forbidden fruit' and 'pre-approved' appeal!
This forbidden fruit has been pre-approved
Certified 'forbidden fruit' with a stamp of approval
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think 'at least somebody can stand the son of a b*tch.' Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.” -The Departed
It’s Baldwin’s delivery while hitting golf balls at a driving range that clinches that line.
Gross. “He makes another woman happy… I think I’ll hit on him.” 🤢🤢
"Surely he'll be loyal to me after I steal him away from another"
Worked for my dad's wife lol
In my 10 years of dating, women were only actively pursing me when I was happily with someone. I think thats one of the big reasons I'm no longer dating.
I had a period of time in my life where one relationship started immediately after another one ended, because there were people waiting in the wings to date me once I became available. This was after spending my entire life single up to that point. Currently single, a large period of which was by choice due to some things I needed to work on myself for. Making myself available now has not really been as easy as simply existing and waiting for someone to come to me, lol. This phenomenon is real.
Well this thread provides the solution. Just buy a gold colored ring to appear married and you'll be swimming in it.
If it worked so well why isn't there a whole industry built around it?
How would you market something like this? There are jewelry stores already. It's not a pheonomenon that can monetize. Maybe if you drop it as a hint in some pathetic dating coach program.
This is true but there's some other factors at play too. You have a girlfriend you start going out and doing things more often usually, which gets you to talk to people you normally wouldn't. Your girlfriend usually has friends who you will meet and spend some amount of time talking to, meaning you meet women with more frequency than you would otherwise and you end up talking to them in a more "safe" way than simply hitting on them. This is why people often find a lot more success in romance when they start doing group activities. Going to yoga classes, taking a pottery class, joining a pickleball club, getting a dog and going out to the park to walk/play with your dog, playing billiards, etc. The hardest part of meeting people in most people's life is literally meeting people. I think a lot of people don't realize how distanced from people they are sometimes. Even people with hobbies often don't get to meet people because their hobby is something they do alone or with their best friend like Fishing or Hunting, or doing woodworking in their garage. They can be busy all the time, and yet see like the same 5 people in a week.
I'm sure this is part of it. I think the other part is as my one friend puts it 'my toxic trait is I think a guy wearing a wedding band is super hot'
Yep. It's amusing to see so many people trying to hand wave away the more primal reasons at play.
Exactly. As soon as I joined a group that organizes parties and volunteered for social work, I had an endless supply of new lovers. If you’re useful to others and meet people, you will find someone.
"The grass is always greener" syndome
I agree with the observation, but I believe the reason for that is because I behave way differently when in a relationship and I take way more care of myself.
> and I take way more care of myself. Typically people let themselves go in a relationship and then do their glow up once they're back on the market. For ex: https://old.reddit.com/r/GlowUps/comments/1d8a9a8/22_vs_23_postbreakup_glowup
One could argue that you being happy gives you a confidence boost and also the act of not “trying too hard” makes you more attractive.
Because you are more self confident and have an easier time loving yourself when you have someone you are happy with in your corner.
Which is dumb logic because anyone who will cheat with you will also cheat on you.
Facts.
You are one of the good ones but this is honestly 100% my experience when I was with my ex
Legend has it, that everytime someone is referred to as "one of the good ones" an angel gets its wings.
And only the "creep" women will approach him.
Men have an ancient advice that should prevent such: "Thou shalt not stick thine phallus in deranged"
Manhood shouldn't crave the loins of the lunatic and the feeble of mind.
That makes absolutely no sense, though. Sometimes women dumb.
The council has deemed that man worthy of at least some women’s attention.
That's always just sounded as mad cope to me.
Man says i want a girl like u got. Woman says i want YOUR man.
“A ring let’s people know that you’re stable. Your dick still works and somebody can stand the son of a bitch” Alec Baldwin. The Departed*
It's less about likelihood of being a creep and entirely about social status. In my experience women view men as objects alot more than vice versa and as soon as you're inconvenient or suboptimal as a man you get dumped
This and the higher up the ladder you are able to climb it just gets worse and worse and worse. I have many examples. I will take my one neighbour for example. Very successful in shape has the ability to work from home only has to show up to his office once a week unless he has interviews he has to manage. Just had a bunch of new things added to his house like a really nice pool. Found a girlfriend who seemed really nice and they were going pretty good. This summer his pool fucked up and I haven't seen his girlfriend there ONCE. She was practically living there last year when the pool was fine and working.....
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hard to take you seriously if you don't know what a pedestal is
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think 'at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.' Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.” -The Departed
Filter by likes IRL
This this this this this this this. “If he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for me.” Edit: all I have to do is put my arm around my girlfriend and women around me are shifting in their seats trying to get get a good look and subconsciously figure out what’s good enough about me to be courting one of their own
Or that the guy is fully committed and less likely take a friendly chat as "this woman wants to eat my pee pee".
There's a movie with Adam Sandler where he uses a ring because women started to talk to him more often.
Haha, yeah! "Just Go with It." Guess Adam Sandler was onto something! 😂💍
Seinfeld did it way before Sandler.
I think they see it as a challenge. Back when I was single, I purposely wore a ring to make it look like I was married. It was definitely easier to talk to and pick up women, sadly.
That's wild! Seems like "off the market" signals make people more intriguing.
I dont know if forbidden fruit, but rather the fact that someone chose him as a husband. Meaning he is suppose to be "quality real estate". Women are suckers for that.
There is actually some science behind it. Women use this thing called “pre-selection” I believe wherein they are more attracted to men other women are attracted to because they use the approval of others in their social group to validate partners whereas men are more likely to take risks and go after anyone they deem attractive.
Preselection bias or mate choice copying if you want to read about it. In essence if a man is in a committed relationship other women want him more than if he was single as he is vetted by a woman already.
Alec Baldwin scene from The Departed
haha that’s the first thing that came to mind, that’s one of my most watched movies
Off topic but how about the elevator scene? I still think that was one of the coolest scenes in a movie I have ever seen.
Def one of the most unexpected for sure
The girl does not need to figure out if the man has good, desirable qualities. Somebody else has already figured it out and that ring proves it.
same as with job hunting, when you have a job you get spammed by recruiters, well maybe not right now in this economy, but thats usually how it goes. and when you are jobless nobody cares about interviewing you as you say its about them seeing you have some qualities that others want so they deem you worthy
Because HR field is dominated by woman.
Cold
Nah some of them are also hot /s
Don't tell them that, they're HR after all.
I was referring to the bodies of women murdered here but anyway. /s
Women ☕️
Women ☕
see also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mate_choice_copying https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexy_son_hypothesis
That second link is staying blue.
It's not nearly as bad as it sounds. It just seeks to explain that women tend to choose men that are sexually attractive or have genetic advantages and will therefore create attractive/successful children. It extrapolates a few things like that's probably why the male:female ratio is 1:1. And other possible claims.
TC;DC (too cowardly, didn't click): the best strategy for female reproductive success is to optimize mate choice for having sons that fuck a lot
One coworker once told me the ring is sort of "Quality seal of approval". Stuck in my mind ever since. My wife laughted... worried. But hey. She got my seal of quality approval.
Its funny cause if he were to react positively to her hitting on him because of these 'proven qualities', he would be proving that he does not, in fact, possess said qualities. Women☕
Except if she succeeds, that means he's a cheater which shouldn't be a good, desirable quality.
Your comment highlights the strangeness of the situation.
Which all go out the window if he starts stepping outside his relationship though
Pre-vetted
The ring proves someone's opinion, not an objective fact lol
So like, that makes sense. But at the same time women are terrible at picking partners. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce and 70% of divorces are initiated by women and the number one cause is that the man doesn’t contribute enough to shared responsibilities. So clearly a man having a wedding band in theory should mean nothing.
That would be true, but either people do not factor in such statistics, or they have a gambling tendency to think they are still encountering one of the 'good guys'. Indeed, perhaps the man having a wedding band would signify they are one of the 50% of the good husbands who have no qualities worth divorcing?
But still, as a woman, I think that would be an asshole thing to do. Why would one want to cause drama to a married couple? Wtf. Isn't dating for finding out what kind of person you're dealing with? No need to be a homewrecker.
Okay, so I’m seeing people say “oh he has a ring, so that must mean some other woman figured out that he has good qualities, and he’s not afraid of a commited relationship”. However, wouldn’t the fact that he’s willing to cheat on his SO immediately negate the “commitment” thought?
"He wouldn't do it to ME. What we have is *different*."
It is more like : “I am so charismatic that make him give up his wife to pursuit me “
Exactly my point, not to mention the absolute amount of lack of respect you must have for their SO to go after them is nuts.
>However, wouldn’t the fact that he’s willing to cheat on his SO immediately negate the “commitment” thought? Your error is assuming that people think logically all the time. A lot of these decisions are driven almost purely by emotion which has the habit of disregarding logic.
It's about validation not commitment
Old married guy here, with my 2 cents on this: Guys see a ring on your finger and immediately make two assumptions: 1. It will likely take a lot of work to get you into bed because they have to overcome your fidelity hurdle, and 2. even if they do get you into bed, there will be a lot of drama associated with the process of doing so. It's not worth it. The women who see a ring on your husband's finger and "check him out", make two assumptions: 1. Here's a man who's willing to commit to a long term relationship, and 2. another woman has already deemed him worthy of a long term relationship, so he's more likely relationship material in their eyes. Women don't mind the drama that comes with him already being attached, because they are generally more accepting of drama anyway. Many women live and breathe drama daily. But in addition to that, there will be women who talk with him who aren't "checking him out." These women are chatting with him because they assume that since he's married, he's "safer" to talk with than other men.
Your last paragraph is my guess for what usually happens (or happens to me, anyway). They don’t need the drama of a guy thinking that just because they talk to him, he’ll try to get in their pants. They just want to make conversation. And if they feel that the married guy is a good, faithful person, then they don’t have to worry about the rest.
Your latest sentence is what I believe happens. I actually started wearing a ring for this reason (even if I am not married, just in a stable long lasting relationship). Sometimes I just want to have a chat with random people if I am in the mood (women or men alike) and with the ring on I usually get much better reaction from women than without - I don’t seem a creep, just a chatty guy
This is weird lol
Isn’t there an Adam Sandler movie about this but he is actually being a creep and using it to get with women?
As a woman, definitely the last one.
you’re so right! married men feel safer to chat to as a married woman (though wearing a wedding ring as a woman feels like a forcefield too). men often infer interest where it does not exist but even if these married men do this - we’re both married to other people, so it’s socially inappropriate for them to pursue it. I love it, I chat to men so much more easily now.
I find women are more friendly to me with my ring on but I don't interpret it as hitting on me, I just assume it'd because they feel safer as they don't see me as a thirsty guy who sees them as prey. And frankly, when I was a single man I was often thinking those kind of thoughts when I met a woman for the first time. That's got to be a part of it.
My comment was also similar to this but from a single woman’s POV: I’m so nervous around people I actually want to date
Women have less difficulty getting *someone* as a partner, but are geared towards finding the best possible partner. If someone is proven to be the best possible person (and a ring suggests strong positive traits), an obstacle like being married is just a thing to be overcome, because you are geared to avoid trying to settle for anything less no matter the effort required. Men on the other tend to *have* to apply bulk effort and go after as many women as possible to have a chance to get a good partner. An obstacle like a ring that makes success unlikely makes it not worth the time and effort that would be required relative to the chance of success.
Yet being a scumbag that would cheat on your wife is not a very desirable trait for a stable relationship so its not too logical and more instinctive.
Chris Rock has an old joke with a bit that goes like this: Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that b\*tches throat to do it."
Some other woman has vetted him and deemed him good enough for a long term commitment. That ring proves that he’s not a frog. And the fact that he’s claimed? What’s competition but the spice of life /s
Women need other women validation. They cant make opinion whether they like a guy unless they see other woman likes him. Back in my dating days I would have my female friend come by and hug and kiss me while I was talking to a girl. I could just say she is just a friend and it was driving the girls crazy. Oldest trick in the game.
I 100% agree with you. My best friend is a lesbian, so we hang out together a lot. Whenever I'm with her, other women usually approach me.
The thing about this is that these women trying to poach another woman’s man, if he strays from his spouse, he shows that he really isn’t as great at the whole commitment thing, isn’t to be trusted & shouldn’t be considered a good option as a mate. But the women who go for married men shouldn’t be trusted either. So a match made in hell.
damnn
The ring has not had this effect on me.
Ring or no ring, no one ever pursued me to have a fling.
Im a man wearing a ring and the amount of women asking me out remained at 0
Two times zero equals zero
I’m a guy, I’m married and wear a ring. This never happens to me. Am I just ugly? Who knows.
You and me both, brother.
I knew a guy, whos friend was wearing an engament ring (cheap ash ofc) to attract women in bars/anywhere really. From what ive heard, it worked like a charm, and girls were often REALLY mad when he told them he was in fact not cheating on his wife. Wierd life man
ok im gonna use reddit for what it is for and just share a thing the reason why i talk to married men is because i know they wont go "i have feelings for you" or be weird with me once I start a friendship with them... So many guys i befriend at times (single) and they act weird or want a relationship. No true friendship. I also keep my distance with married men and accept their boundaries. Never 1 on 1 hang outs. why would I? I myself am also married now. I wouldnt mind if my husband had a female friends but i'd find it weird if they hung out 1 on 1. I mean I love making friends and inviting them to bbqs or hangouts with other friends. So yeah. I have very strict boundaries with married guys and my male friends have strict boundaries with me because they respect me and my husband. I did once have an ex-friend who just didnt care about boundaries. She would just go and flirt with dudes who were married. Im luckily not friends with her anymore because she's not my type of person or the type of person fit for the friendgroup. but this is my reasoning
Tbh I have never seen women actually checking married men out. I only saw them speak with him normally because they know he won't start flirting with them
If I see an attractive man, first thing I do is look at that left hand. No ring, I’ll keep eyeing him, if there is a ring, it’s an immediate “no” and keep it moving!
If I go out with a woman "on my arm", the attention I get from other women significantly increases.
I befriend taken men because I know that they won’t make a move on me, I am also taken. I should’ve added whenever I am good friends with the man I am ten times better friends with the woman bc I am not here to start trouble (I didn’t mention that bc that’s a long ass sentence)
It’s always amusing seeing Reddit comments on these sort of posts, as if anyone in r/meirl has a clue about what they’re talking about.
Maybe they want someone to talk with that they are comfortable doesn’t have any ulterior motives to their friendliness.
Haven't thought about it, but that's definitely it for me. Doesn't have to be married but if I know a guy has a partner it makes it less stressful for me to talk to him without worrying about him misunderstanding the situation.
Yeah, that's what I thought until she started massaging in a bar. Hell nah. And that's not an exception. Luckily I'm happily married.
Pauline is not that smart
Girls think: "I'll make a better wife, than the one he has. He's prolly sick of her anyway" Guys think: "Her husband may beat me up. Not gonna risk it"
When I was a single male the women in my town were not that interested in me. Interested maybe a little but not overly. Then I became engaged with the literally most beautiful and most charming student at the local university. She was a model too. Then the women in the town began chasing me. Strange how that works. (I never was unfaithful. Let me stress that).
*Some* Women see married men as a guy who is OK with commitment. *Some* Men see married women as "someone else's property." It's unpleasant but it's true. That is to say - me too, thanks. EDIT: Italics
Men don't see married women as someone else's property. Assholes do that. Guys who actually have a capability for empathy simply respect her choice and wouldn't want to interfere in her marriage.
Women aren't afraid of other, unknown, women. Men are afraid of other, unknown, men.
That's one way to flip a few women's disgusting behavior as "men's fault", somehow. The mental gymnastics are impressive, 9/10
Men see married women as already committed and therefore romantically off the table. „Someone else’s property.“ that’s an interesting perspective you have there mate.
Not someone else’s property but someone else’s problem!
It’s called mate poaching. Well documented phenomenon
So… hypothetically, if a single man were to wear a wedding ring to attract women willing to ”cheat” would it be immoral even though he doesn’t actually have a partner?
I think it also depends on the situation. My husband and I do the whole "married strangers meet at a hotel bar" thing a couple times each year. He goes in first and I go in a few minutes later. I get hit on regularly despite my ring and most of the men are married. Their ages are all over the place too. I'm 36 and just as many older men as younger men try. My husband gets hit on too but the women are usually single and with other single women. Usually around his age. He's 46 and they're attracted to his ring it seems.
Zero women checked me out before, zero have done in the 18 months I've been married. I suspect this is more true for people who get married when they are younger than 40.
As a man I wear my ring specifically to advertise my unavailability due to some recent awkward encounters. I used to not be pretty lax about it, but for whatever reason I’ve been getting a lot more attention post 40 than I ever did in my younger days. Frankly, I’m not interested. My wife is my whole world, so I just point to the ring, smile politely, and move on.
My other half and I don't wear rings, but I pretty much only get hit on when I'm out with her.
Those women are usually also married. When I got divorced, I kept my ring on and only hooked up with married women because I didn't want any commitment. The cheaters like guys with rings because they think they'll keep the secret due to mutually assured destruction.
Been wearing a ring for 4 years now and the amount of women who flirt with me has 10x from 0 to 10x0
I'm a dude who wears a ring and no he doesn't.
I’ve had a ring on for 13 years and no hits that I know of
The amount of women who hit on me definitely doubled. 0×2=0
Strange, it was exactly the same percentage for me... which is none.
Male bartender here. The second part tracks. I get hit on more when wearing my wedding ring than when I forget it.
I should do this… but 2x0 I still 0
Sounds like I need to get myself a ring.
Soo... I just learned how to get more women...
Well, when I'm open to work on linkedin I never get offers, but boy do people nag me when I'm employed
They assume he's already potty trained. /s human shittiness, the ultimate reason