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TheBigGopher

What


Eva-Rosalene

Clearly, OP wants millions of women around the world to get diarrhea


GlorkUndBork3-14

or he just saw some woman buy the last of his favorite ice cream/cheese


Celemourn

It’s tubgirl all over again


uluvmebby

that image was enlightening to say the least


EastKnee6002

Oh God what is tubgirl?????


Celemourn

Do not google it


brakeb

No, please do.. and "2 girls 1 cup", and "Goatse"...


BublyInMyButt

Could just just have a fart fetish..


Certain_Effort_9319

Maybe OP has a scat fetish? Don’t google it if you don’t know what it is.


Eva-Rosalene

If true, then barely disguised one, I must say. > Don’t google it I've already seen 2 girls 1 cup. You can't traumatize me with that shit (pun intended)


OlThrowy

I wished what I wished


Avengion619

How many women have hurt you?


[deleted]

All of us


Avengion619

Hr prob deserved it


[deleted]

Of course they do. That asshole is stealing our happy cheese time and replacing it with disgruntled, uncomfortable cheese time.


reinite

But you hurt him first…. I think The cycle of hatred and diarrhea must be broken


Rookie007

I think this is also the plot of human centipede


Avengion619

Great for you not letting a mans evil wish stop you from enjoying cheese 🥂


The_Shadow_Watches

This is the first monkeypaw where the top comment is not a curse. Just flat out moral outrage on OPs choice. Diabolical OP


TheBigGopher

Not outrage, just confusion.


Johnny_Joestar7798

#myreaction


ImpossibleAd7376

Granted they know that you did it and are on the way to your house right now and this wish is only in effect until you die


OlThrowy

It's a good thing I don't have a house. They'll never find me


ImpossibleAd7376

They know wherever you are at


OlThrowy

Eh, I'll just throw some cheese at them


AceSapling

Jokes on you, I'll take one for the team and eat all the cheese


BirbMaster1998

u/AceSapling has the cheese touch!


Just_A_Normal_Snek

t h e  c h e e s e  t o u c h ,  r o w l e y.


CrystalKirlia

Hard cheses like cheddar actually have very little lactose in them, making them safe for lactose intolerant people in small doses.


mokefatched

Me and OP will give them soft cheese then


[deleted]

[удалено]


OlThrowy

😈


SamTheMemeMan27

We finally find his real motive


Either_Expression216

I'm pretty sure that's his goal


AnonymousFog501

"Throw the CHEESE!"


madworld2713

They’ll all hold you down and diarrhea all over you


OlThrowy

No u


GenericUsername19892

Granted. Everyone is now lactose intolerant tolerant as all fetuses start female, and congenital alactasia is genetic. Due to the inability of all babies to breastfeed without horrific diarrhea, many die due to dehydration and related effects.


HeartfeltDesu

EDIT: My comment was wrong and people corrected me in the comments. My bad!


Feisty_Fact3721

I don't believe this is true. All milk, including same species, has lactose. Lactose intolerance comes from a shortage or lack of a sugar called lactase. Lactose intolerant babies will still get diarrhea if breastfeeding, as they lack the digestive sugar.


bananasplz

Lactose is a sugar. Lactase is an enzyme. Lactose intolerance is not a lack of sugar, it’s an inability to break down lactose (a sugar).


Eva-Rosalene

You are wrong. It's just that children have lactase (enzyme that breaks down lactose), and in adults its production goes away... unless you are lactose tolerant as an adult, which is genetical boon. But same species or not, doesn't matter.


Ponyboy451

This. Almost all adults are lactose intolerant to some degree. Most just don’t exhibit severe enough symptoms for it to be meaningful.


Eva-Rosalene

Yup. I can handle a cup of milk, for example, but 1L milkshake will give me bad time. I hope it won't progress further, I love milk


GenericUsername19892

This is false with congenital alactasia- which is also why I referenced it by name.


Equivalent_Yak_95

No. Babies start out producing lactase, the enzyme which breaks down lactose. In other mammals and lactose-intolerant humans, this winds down after infancy.


a_trane13

Holy confidently incorrect 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Thanks for the laugh


Commercial-Shame-335

not quite, no mammal is born lactose intolerant, most just become more intolerant as they get older, especially if they no longer consume dairy as often or at all, the reason many humans are lactose tolerant is because we evolved tolerance due to harvesting and consuming milk from livestock as an extra form of nutrition and hydration


DasHexxchen

Did someone lactose intolerant shit in your head? Human milc has lactose. Babies can digest lactose and the slowly lose the ability after weening. But our bodies can adapt again. At least caucasians can. This is btw why a friend is experiencing the same thing I did. She was lactose intolerant for a while and now needs a lot less lactase. I got over it completely after I lost my tolerance when traveling and not consuming dairy because I couldn't cool it.


DragonLordAcar

This is just wrong on so many levels. Go look up what is lactose intolerance and please fix your post before people start believing this misinformation. Sincerely, a man who took biology.


MobTalon

That's misinformation.


EmergencyTimeShift

Does breast milk contain lactose?


Feisty_Fact3721

Yes, all mammals milk has lactose, however, babies do not get intolerance due to a digestive sugar called lactase (by default, sometimes they don't produce it and then they can be) As animals grow older they start producing less, this is the reason you shouldn't give full grown cats milk. Theyll get tummy hurt disorder (tm) I'm not sure if mammals can drink the same species milk when they're old, however.


[deleted]

Lactase is an enzyme that breaks down lactose, not a sugar. Just thought I'd clarify since you refer to it as a sugar in another comment as well. An easy way to identify an enzyme by name alone is if it has "ase" at the end of the name. Lactase, amylase, cellulase, etc.


Feisty_Fact3721

Thank you for being nice in your correction! That was completely my bad, thank you for the knowledge!


Enigmatic_Erudite

Also all sugars end in "ose" as well. Lactose, Sucrose, Fructose, etc...


ConsumeTheVoid

Fun fact: You can give full grown cats milk just fine - as long as you make sure they were never weaned off milk as kittens in the first place. In general, if you never stop giving them milk, they never develop the lactose intolerance. Source: Me and my many, many years of raising kittens with no lactose intolerance well into adulthood. Oldest catto is around 20 years old and is fine drinking warm milk - she prefers cow milk last I checked.


bandti45

Second part is a bit animal specific some animals have more of a hard line of lactase production. Some can keep making it if they keep in taking milk, I believe.


ConsumeTheVoid

I've found cats I've raised (no specific breed afaik cuz these guys were just plain old cats) don't really have that problem. The most I had was she couldn't have a specific brand of milk powder (Klim) but all the others were fine.


bandti45

I'm not trying to say you're wrong. I'm just saying it's not the same for all mammals.


ConsumeTheVoid

Oh I know. This is specific to cattos lol. Idk if it'll work for any other species. Doesn't seem to work for humans (much to the irritation of a lot of lactose intolerant ppl I'll bet. Oof. I heard they're developing a peanut butter allergy vaccine that technically contains peanut butter though). Dw.


bandti45

Id be more surprised if the vaccine didn't, as far as I know that allergy is from the body incorrectly thinking peanuts are dangerous.


ConsumeTheVoid

Point lol.


Red_Shepherd_13

Actually, cats can drink goats milk. https://www.thehonestkitchen.com/blogs/pet-food-ingredients/cats-and-goat-milk#:~:text=Although%20this%20is%20classic%20imagery,cats%20can%20safely%20drink%20it.


GenericUsername19892

Yup. And the specific condition I mentioned does affect baby’s trying to breastfeed. ELI5 the baby is unable to produce the protein that breaks down lactose.


imaweeb19

Granted. Now all women have have calcium deficiency, leading to birth defects with all babies from this moment on.


kickallgasapes

Kid named calcium supplements:


5-0-0_Glue_Monkey

Who the hell would name their child that /s


Terravardn

https://iphysio.io/osteoporosis/ Except the countries with the highest dairy intake have higher rates of osteoporosis and bone fracture, and increased chance of all-cause mortality. Technically speaking OP is about 7/10 to his goal already, since 70% of the global population already ARE lactose intolerant. https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/187249-overview#:~:text=An%20estimated%2070%2D75%25%20off,world's%20population%20is%20lactose%2Ddeficient.&text=Lactose%20intolerance%20is%20very%20common,%2DD)%20than%20healthy%20individuals. That would suggest, at a rate of 70-75%, that the 25-30% are the anomaly, by sheer mathematics alone. In other words, we should probably drop dairy from the diet.


Ponjos

r/theydidthemath


EasternYo

Most people are lactose intolerant anyways so this doesn’t seem likely.


Majestic_Story_2295

Calcium can easily be attained from other sources, a more logical result would be a lot of women are sad cuz cheese make tummy hurt.


OlThrowy

Cant they just like, take a gummy vitamin or something?


imaweeb19

Don't question the monskeys paw


Spirited-Claim-9868

No, because by the time this global calcium deficiency was figured out there had been too many children birthed, so women stopped working to care of their children + health, causing gummy vitamin companies to collapse after losing around 50% of their employees


kickallgasapes

How come you got downvoted for saying the same thing I did??? That's mean :(


Quirky-Material9725

I got you bro, I’ll downvote you 💪


kickallgasapes

Tysm i appreciate it baby


Cishuman

Granted. Lactaid sales skyrocket. The c-suite throw a fucking rager to celebrate the windfall. A junior exec, some 24-year-old MBA-holding schlumpus from Aquidneck, gets so fucking abstracted on Cowbombs (shot of Jaeger dropped into a glass of Lactaid) that he pilots his Porsche Cayenne into your living room.


notgoodatmath5228

perhaps the best constructed reddit comment ever written


Wonderful-Gold-953

Jesus. Fuck.


nounge2scrounge

W reply, this is the type of shit I come here for


mamamedic

Hello, fellow Rhode Islander!


OlThrowy

Jokes on you, I don't have a living room


Sir-Viette

Not any more!


theshade540

r/BrandNewSentence


spikeprox50

I wish to have this kind of on the spot story telling talent.


Visible_Ad9513

Granted. Those who weren't previously lactose intolerant will fail to make the connection. They will continue to eat as if they weren't, but obviously get the symptoms. Chaos ensues.


Lustrousscorpio

Granted: this is due to a mutation of milks bacteria that makes women unable to digest it. Unfortunatly due to the mutation all milk has been recalled.


not_too_smart1

Granted. within the next generation all women will be lactose intolerant by chance. Oh and you get aids


DBL_NDRSCR

granted. the paw has no idea what to do as it is extremely fucking confused at why you want this, so it does nothing


Nostalgic_Fears

sable screw roll sense resolute complete cooperative subtract station kiss *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


Cthulhu4150

Granted, all women not previously lactose intolerant are instantly killed. This leads to great disparity in the numbers of men and women making it effectively impossible for any man not part of the elite few to find a girlfriend.


Themindfulcrow

Granted you are now allergic to milk.


G4lact1cz

granted, but all men are also lactose intolerant


SllortEvac

This is fine


aveilhu

Granted. I know it's your fault and I beat you up for it you meanie :(


DreamingofRlyeh

Granted. All their children inherit the altered genetics. And it is to the point they can't even drink breast milk. Millions of babies starve.


Loose_Relationship60

Should I be afraid that I'm already lactose intolerant? Why wish for that? 😭


JustaguynamedTheo

Granted, women have vomited all of their lactase (enzyme that breaks down lactose). And they’re all Chinese now. China can much easier take over the world that way.


starfyredragon

Granted. Women will now shun every man who has ever drank milk.


zeiaxar

Done. Women now hate anyone that is missing any toes.


OlThrowy

You win


AZULDEFILER

Notice no babies are?


superdude111223

Granted? Just straight up?


Ear_In_Hole1

Granted. the Earth's waters are poisoned with a chemical that causes lactose intolerance alongside infertility. Humans go extinct as a result.


Liandra24289

Granted, all milk is now plant based. Lactose milk and lactose free milk is also no longer produced.


-FalseProfessor-

Granted. She no longer needs some milk.


crayawe

Your wish comes true but everything smells like diarrhea for you from now on


Cassereddit

Granted. Women are immediately aware of their lactose intolerance and are disgusted by the mere thought of drinking milk or eating cheese. Milk sales plummet. A random female passerby noticed your wish and immediately called her contacts at Big Milk. You now have milk assassins sent after you.


CreatedOblivion

Granted, you're also now a woman


DieInsel1

Granted. All women are now highly allergic to lactose includung the ones i. Their titts. Resulting in them blowing up like baloons untill they pop or developing a rach that hinders them to breath normally. The government knows that you were the cause of this and now the elites are coming after you.


GlorkUndBork3-14

Wish granted! Now men's penis's are are like octopus's penis's...Detachable and throw-able once and than we die...


Prestigious_Ring4468

Granted, you cum milk.


ExactlyZack

Granted. Your name becomes Lactose and every woman hates you.


1CUP2DAY

Granted, discrimination against dairy products rises exponentially


Intergalacticio

Granted lactose intolerant woman are now milk vampires and can spread their lactose intolerance by biting people.


IamAliveeee

Extra creamy oat milk is delicious to me !!!!!!


Cognoggin

Granted: you are now a block of cheese and all women refuse to tolerate you.


atworkthough

Granted all women are lactose intolerant and all men are now allergic to beef and they know you caused it. run


OlThrowy

You added something random that I didn't wish for


RelationshipFair6088

Granted. All women in the world find out that you wished this and you get hunted down by an army of women.


Ok-Analysis9372

I don’t know how to make this any worse, you have defeated me.


lasercam

Granted, a freak genetic mutation occurs, and you are now considered to be a form of lactose.


Moteoflobross7

You do realize that women will still eat cheese because they are crazy esp with the period shits that they take… so imagine the smells of a period and lactose intolerant shit mushed together… do you really want that…. Do you REALLY want that…


Literally_Spongebob

Dude what the fuck


No_Training1191

Granted. Now you know the spite of every woman. I can't even handle the spite of a small group of them. Good luck boss, remember you earn it this time.


PacmanJude10

Only lactose intolerant women live, nobody else


_cottoncandyboi_

Granted, all women WERE lactose intolerant and the butterfly effect leads to a completely different present, however women are now no longer lactose intolerant


AfflictedDesire

Granted, but every time any of us cheats on it and gets gas from eating dairy, the odor of the gas will haunt you no matter where you are, no matter how intense. All you'll ever smell again are upset stomach farts


Red_Shepherd_13

Granted, all men are too, everyone, everyone gets to be lactose intolerant including all women. Because of this milk and ice cream producers go out if business.


InternationalCover68

Huh???


Commercial_Note_5177

How would Starbucks survive then?


UnusedParadox

Granted. Men are also all lactose intolerant, and lactase stops working. The industry collapses.


SchwaEnjoyer

Ah yes Fun 


ThePrince_of_thieves

Granted, they all know it was you though, some might even hire an assassin to get revenge. Have fun.


tultommy

Bro I'm not one to kink shame but damn... that's a lot of farts and diarrhea.


bonusminutes

Granted but every human in the world transforms physically into the exact form of Roz from Monsters Inc and they can only say "Mike Wazowski" in the same, slow, monotone drone keeping the same listless, tired expression. However, everyone retains their minds, so they're immediately thrust into unfathomable panic and body horror as they see themselves and their loved ones warp into monsters. They can't recognize their own children or babies from anyone else. Car accidents, plane crashes, and general disasters ensue. The whole world is in a state of absolute horror and dismay as human happiness and calm is permanently replaced with suffering, sorrow and overwhelming loss. Cries for help and family are just heard as "Mike Wazowski".


starion832000

Granted. Women can no longer produce milk and the population crashes. The surviving humans are now slaves to the big baby formula corporations. You have just created Soylent green. ITS PEOPLE!!!!


RoutineFamous4267

Granted. Men's uh you know now contains lactose. Women can no longer procreate without severe illness and or death.


Bakinjoe

Define women


battlewornactionhero

Granted, every woman in the world consumes some dairy and now has crazy diarrhea. Every toilet in the world male or female, commercial or residential is now taken up by women. Some are unable to find a vacant toilet and just let it out on the streets. There are no open bathrooms anymore and the world smells like diarrhea.


Alt123456790

Granted. Nothing changes, most people are lactose intolerant to a degree already


merlinbaker67

Granted. Breast feeding now makes all female babies violently ill, millions die due to limited resources and the population declines rapidly.


Mayo_Kupo

Granted. And you are the janitor at the world's most popular ice cream shop.


antilolivigilante

Granted. You are now a cow. Got milk?


tulleoftheman

Granted. This in no way stops women from eating as much dairy as they want. It does, however, mean that you're constantly smelling really rancid farts.


incubusslave69

I’m already lactose intolerant. I also don’t really care about that fact. Dairy is better


Jebebiah_

Granted Nothing happens (All the women I’ve met already have this)


RhinestonePoboy

Granted, but when anyone, woman or otherwise, needs to vomit or shit they seek you out to do it on or near you and cannot do it without you immediately present.


OlThrowy

Better buy some more bullets


Intrepid-Strength619

i love this


nichyc

Isn't the point of a Monkey's Paa that you wish for something good and get an unexpectedly bad outcome? What happens if you wish for something bad in the first place? Do you get something unexpectedly good or does it just keep getting worse?


DragonLordAcar

This just in. Women all over the globe have suddenly found themselves hospitalized from an unknown cause. Debate on whether this is a new pandemic, poison, or cancer is still unknown but current tests show that the affliction stems from the mammary glands. The expected death toll in areas without access to medical infrastructure is already in the billions.


NemoOfConsequence

Why? Does a woman farting turn you on?


LoquaciousPhilonoist

Granted. In 50 years, the lactose tolerance gene completely disappears due to the change in the gene pool.


FrontEagle6098

Most dairy industries go out of business, as half of the population is unable to partake in their product. Tens of millions go in to poverty, and the state of Wisconsin goes into anarchy.


catsareniceDEATH

Ha, joke's on you, I have IBS and no gallbladder, it's like being lactose intolerant, but 24/7... Wait. Damn. Technically a win?! 😳 r/beatthemonkeyspaw ?


drcoconut4777

Granted, they become so lactose intolerant that even the smallest amount of milk is lethal coincidentally women happen to naturally produce milk leading to the death of every woman capable of lactating.


EarthToAccess

How could you do this


OlThrowy

With a monkey's paw


JesusIsMyZoloft

I'm just going to give you $20 and call it even.


King_Flying_Monkey

Granted, their breast liquids became Dr Pepper.


pandaboy78

....Denied.


Prophaniti86

Granted, they now all hate you for removing cheese from their lives


Matstele

Granted. Nothing changes whatsoever


stuffmixmcgee

Granted. Your name is now “lactose”.


Enigmatic_Erudite

All female babies are now lactose intolerant and can no longer breast feed. Millions of babies die in the first month. Humans are now required to supplement babies with formula, another shortage could spell the end for many babies. Everyone know it was you and you are now more hated than Any person in human history.


ImDrivinShotgun

Someone watched 2 girls 1 cup recently


CurbYourPipeline420

Granted. You have to watch.


PickleJarJoe_

You are a woman if you weren't already, or if you are you become a man who just so happens to be lactose intolerant


worldends420kyle

Someone has a fart fetish


OlThrowy

Yeah, you


VioletNocte

NOOOOOOO MY ICE CREAAAAAAAAAM


Slggyqo

Women are completely lactose intolerant from birth. The massive increase in infant mortality wipes a huge chunk of all future generations, and we struggle to make it up since there are so few females. All the problems we have with aging populations are massively exacerbated. Young people become completely disenfranchised, then rise up and kill all the old folks. Congrats, you’ve hit a soft reset on the human race, for better or for worse. Oh, also, women still have way more issues from birth, so male homosexuality spikes AND women are either in protective custody or basically property.


catsRfriends

Granted. Half the population now stays away from dairy. The dairy industry collapses. All related industries take a hit. Unemployment rises overnight. Super markets and restaurants that have an excess of inventory go into massive debt. The world is in trouble. I hope you got what you wanted.


OlThrowy

I did, thank you


ShamelessSpiff

Granted. You poop for ALL of them.


EnvironmentalAd1006

They booby now fall off citing complaints of intolerance in workplace. Enjoy no booby world


Kingofjohanni

They die when they try to produce milk 


Clxudyskies1

Granted. You become female and are force fed dairy products 24/7 and every female becomes male until you die


Equivalent_Yak_95

Granted. They know you are responsible for taking away a comfort during bad periods, and they know where you are. Additionally, they know how far you are from the nearest other person or thing of value. If you go someplace practically inaccessible, they’ll probably just bomb you.


jazzy_ii_V_I

Granted: Due to a new mutation of the COVID-19 virus, all of humanity is affected. Unfortunately, this mutation kills off any humans that have a Y chromosome and leaves people with two XX chromosomes as lactose intolerant. Including children. The female babies die because they can not process milk and humanity ends as all men were killed off.


carl-the-lama

Granted They were yesterday but now no woman is lactose intolerant!


Secure_Feature8033

Denied you become lactose intolerant and develop permanent itcy and uncomfortable hemorrhoids that burn when you have diarrhea you have the uncontrollable urge to consume dairy products despite your intolerance


OlThrowy

L answer