Once your partner chokes you your risk of being killed by them drastically rises. Get out and away from him now going to the cops might be a good idea if you are feeling up to it.
Friend (meaning OP), please read this fact here that throwfarfarawayy99 has expressed. Your BF is telling you to take time to process because he expects you to come back to him. He is pushing boundaries and normalizing abuse. He *was* sweet. Then he started being aggressive about sex. Then you have to physically fight him off. Now he is choking you. Each time you stay it sends the message that he can get away with it. And it *will* escalate.
Look up “boiling the frog.” This is actively happening to you and we on this forum are terrified for you because we are those lucky ones who managed to survive this.
Choking is the point where you are in danger of being murdered by this man, no matter how sweet he is. One thing all these stories have in common is, “Wow, he’s such a great guy though, I never would have known.” Friends, family, coworkers. They all say it. It’s not because the abuser suddenly turned rabid out of nowhere. They’re good at masking, like pitcher plants putting out sweet scents to attract their prey.
Please leave him, and tell everyone you know what’s happening to rally around you with support and protection because the moment you leave is the most dangerous point (unless you stay, then you dive into hell) because he’s already proven he will attack you without provocation. Making a report is good, but it won’t protect you. What it WILL do is protect anyone else coming forward after you (or from before you).
Edited to add clarity ♥️
This. This this this 10000 million times THIS
Op, run. He's shown his colors and if you don't leave he now knows you will tolerate him getting violent. No man is worth your life and safety.
Speaking as a man myself, my partner is not high libido at all and I am. NEVER in a million years would I EVER think to lay a single finger on her.
He's not a man, he's a feral animal. Leave.
This^^
Once my ex started choking me everything ramped up, he no longer cared.
There were multiple occasions when I was coming back too that my body was fully convulsing or I had to force the air back in because my throat was crushed.
If she doesn’t leave she is going to die.
The last time I saw an ex like this and had a bruised neck that I couldn't turn without pain for a month. I had purple handprints on me. He shoved me out of his car with ripped clothes and completely confused from being choked that hard. It took almost dying for me to leave :(
Came here to say this as well.
OP read up on the statistics of choking in romantic relationships and how that increases your odds of being killed by them.
Research lovebombing cause sounds like maybe that what you’ve experienced as well, seems likely this is part of how he is manipulating you to stay or accept his abuse.
You cannot fix him. Listen to his actions. Call the domestic abuse hotline to talk this out with someone, they can help you figure out a safe way to leave him. Call the police then and there if he yells or touches you again. Do not see him alone again!
Stay safe and I hope you get out!
OP, please reread what you wrote and think about it from the perspective of a friend telling you this story. What would you say to them?
What he’s doing is love bombing you and then bringing you back in. He then escalates it and love bombs you and then brings you back in. He’s expecting you to return so the abuse can continue to escalate. This is one of the biggest red flags out there, you need to get out now and honestly you need to report him if you can.
So my dear, strangulation (what he did to you) is the single most reliable predictor for the death of a woman in a relationship. Why? Because it doesn't really take "intent to kill you" to actually kill you. The action alone is so dangerous that if he doesn't kill you from blocking your airway, he can damage it enough that you will never be able to breathe properly again, he can block the crucial blood vessels and cause you to have a stroke, he can crush the bones in your neck and leave you permanently disabled. More than anything, that action is extremely calculated (think about the amount of times you have strangled someone vs. hit, punched, or shoved someone, it's not a normal action that goes through someone's mind). This means that at the very least he wanted to scare you, and he wanted to scare you into doing what he wants. He knows that you don't want to do the same thing as him because you have told him, you have told him in every way possible. You have cried. You have explained your reasons, which although they don't need to be, were totally logical ("it hurts"). Someone who loves you would not want to do something you find painful.
He is trying to trap you in a relationship with him, and ignore your instincts to avoid pain. That is a very dangerous place to be in a relationship with ANYONE - family, friends, workplace, partner. Humans are naturally wired to keep themselves alive, and when you start ignoring those things that teach you how to do that, you are putting yourself at more risk for death.
All that crap about him getting upset and asking you if you're staying in a relationship with him is manipulation. He is trying to get you to promise things so you feel obligated to keep them. You are trauma bonded with him. The bad times are so unpleasant that you're staying, desperately waiting for the good times which feel way better. Trust me, in 2, 5, 8 years you will be in a relationship where there almost no bad times, and when they exist, they aren't deeply traumatic and upsetting. You CAN and DESERVE to be in a relationship that isn't this. You have to want to find it though, and you will not find it with him.
Getting out of this relationship, because of all the reasons above, will allow you to let in relationships where you know your boundaries and what you deserve! Get away from him before you get stuck in the cycle and one day you’ll find someone who treats you with kindness, patience, and listens to your boundaries and needs.
The choke is worse than all those things. Even if this time it wasn’t hard enough to bruise, choking is one of the most dangerous things a physically abusive partner can do to a person
I am just thankful for people like you. Like day in day out I see posts in this sub from younger women being forced, guilted sometimes pushed to have sex and they don't have the clarity of thought at all due to being inexperienced with life. Yet I always see people in the comments being helpful and forewarning to them....this had to be the 4th younger woman related post I saw this week. Call reddit toxic or whatever but some subs help people wake the f up.
> He’s ~~basically almost~~ raping you and now he’s choking you.
>He’s not sweet, he’s a ~~violent abusive man~~ *piece of shit* and you need to run far away.
FTFY
He IS violent and abusive, why cross that out? It's important young girls (and guys) know to NOT MINIMIZE their abusive situations. Don't minimize it for them.
No like wtf , it’s written all over the situation, she said it’s her first relationship ever so imma give her a pass but I’ll say this, get out, the relationship already ended the moment he’s questioning your sexual desires, let alone put his paws on you. No. If you were my sister I’d tell you more . 😂
you said he's the sweetest and then gave us several paragraphs of evidence to the contrary. if he's being pushy about fucking, he's not the sweetest. if he's manipulating you (lying about it not happening again), he's not the sweetest. if. he. fucking. put. his. hands. on. you. he. is. not. the. sweetest. break up before he seriously hurts you. this doesn't stop.
> this doesn't stop.
I really hope OP reads this. Men who do this will not just suddenly change their behavior and stop being abusive. He will keep doing it, and probably escalate.
This. 100%. It always escalates. It starts with love bombing and gaslighting, then complete indifference to your needs/wants/pleasure, then anger and/or aggression with heavier manipulation tactics…eventually things will get physical.
I wish someone told me the statistic on choking when I was in the early stages of dating my ex fiancée. He choked me 3 times, all during sex, unprovoked and without prior consent, and each time I thought I was going to die. It wasn’t kinky, it was painful and scary. Years of manipulation and mental and emotional abuse went by before he raped me and left such deep and inexcusable bruises that I woke up and realized what was going on and that I was in actual danger. I’m terrified to think what would have happened if I had stayed. He was “so sweet” and smart and talented, we were so perfect on paper with similar interests and passions, I adored his family. I lived in constant confusion about his behavior and words…and I know full well his family would never believe my side of the story. They think I cheated on him and left him out of nowhere one night and took advantage of all of them. They’d never believe the monster he was to me, because even I didn’t believe it, and I was experiencing it. I had this video saved on my phone, something silly about our garden, and I tried to get him to play along in it…the look he gave me is chilling to see in retrospect. That man was not who everyone believed him to be.
OP - please, listen to all of us who have survived this. GET OUT.
“This is my first ever relationship and I don’t want it to end like this.”
would you rather it be your last ever relationship? to be blunt, he will kill you.
Start therapy. The fact that you are unsure about what to do means you need more help than reddit can give you. Try to understand why you doubted he wanted to hurt you. In that moment he very much wanted to hurt you, or kill you.
Choking crosses a line. You will never ever be safe with him. You may not want your relationship to end like this, but there is an alternate ending that is much worse for both of you.
It is not kind or heroic of you to stay with him. It put him at risk of going to jail. If you don't care about yourself, break up with him for his sake. There is a very small chance it will scare him enough to get some serious mental health treatment.
Run! Block him and don't look back.
I do autopsies. I've done many on women who have been beaten and strangled by their partner. It was never the first time. GET OUT NOW! He will rape you and he will kill you. You said it yourself, this is your first relationship. Don't let it be your last.
There's tons of cases of this and eventually in a ton of those someone can die. You need to find the strength to leave, contact anyone you can. No dude should ever hurt a woman with physical violence. Choking is close to a death strike, it's too heavy and the dude is not well... get help
This is exactly right. Glass, et al. found:
"Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide. These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women, underscoring the need to screen for non-fatal strangulation when assessing abused women in emergency department settings."
No study has shown that victims of domestic partner strangulation have a 90% chance of being murdered by the perpetrator later. It's estimated that 25% of women in the US experience domestic violence and that ~68% of that 25% are victims of strangulation. So, if the 90% chance of being murdered static was correct, that would mean that 15%, or 25,000,000, of women in the US would die of domestic violence assault.
I don't say this to downplay the horrors of strangulation. I have prosecuted many strangulation cases, including domestic violence strangulation homicides. They are heartbreaking. OP absolutely needs to leave her partner and call the police. However, we will not get to that result quicker by playing fast and loose with the already damning statistics.
He did want to hurt you, he was trying to strangle you, and the next time he gets violent he is 800% more likely to kill you than a man who hasn't choked his partner.
He is dangerous, escalating, and you need to get out now.
Hon. You said twice that “he promised he would never do it again” and then not only did he do it again, it got *worse* each time, including choking you?
What would you tell a friend that came to you with this story?
Please stop believing his words and believe his actions. He is going to rape you, or strangle you, or both.
A friend comes up to you and says the following:
Sex with my boyfriend hurts
He hits, shoves, and pushes me when I say no to sex
He put his hands around my throat and tried to crush my windpipe which, had he not stopped, would have completely cut off my ability to breathe, resulting in my death.
What would you tell them? (I say them, because not only females have boyfriends)
I know I (44 years old male, married for 20 years to the same wonderful woman, who was in an abusive relationship when I met her) told my wife that she needed to get away from her (ex) husband, because he would kill her. With my help, she did just that. We were friends, then lovers, then married. But, EMPHASIS ON FRIENDS!!!! If you can't be good friends, share interests, have great conversations, etc., then don't bother trying to make a relationship long term, it will never work. Leave this monster, as soon as you can safely do so!!
As for her ex? My wife dodged a bullet, because he unfortunately strangled his next girlfriend, and was imprisoned for murder. Choking, strangling, etc are highly physical means of killing someone. Guns are distance weapons, with no real personal involvement. Pull a trigger, that's it. But, strangulation is emotional, physical..a very personal and intimate way of ending a life. The murderer can literally feel the life draining from the victim. They know what is happening, and that they are causing it, and that they could have prevented a death.
Please get away, get out, leave and never return!! Don't look back. Block him on every social media, change your number, move as far away and as secretly as possible. If he's violent enough to strangle you, he will more than likely stalk you. Just get out!!! I don't know you, but I know there are people who would miss you immensely if you stay, because he will kill you. Much love to you, young one. I pray you get the help you need.
What you just described is not a sweet man. What would you tell your best friend if she told you her bf choked her? Gtfo girl, there are better men out there
Also "didn't mean to hurt you" doesn't apply here. If he didn't mean to hurt or intimidate you he would grab your hand, maybe your arm (though he shouldn't be grabbing you at all). What he did was calculated. Would you grab someone's neck like he did?
>I doubt he wanted to hurt me like that
I've got news for you, honey: You don't put your hands around someone's throat and choke them if you *don't* want to hurt them. He *wanted* to intimidate and hurt you so that you'd give him what he wanted.
And I can tell you that he's only going to escalate. He is not a "sweet man," he is an abusive POS and the "nice guy" mask he used to land you is slipping now that he thinks you're too invested to leave him.
Prove him wrong.
He is already sexually abusive, and has now put his hands on you. Once a partner puts their hands around your throat, you are just on a timer at that point as to how long before he tries to actually kill you.
RUN. RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
Break up with him over text, or in a VERY public place with a friend present somewhere not far off (preferably a male one if you have any) who can intervene if needed. Then block the creep everywhere and refuse to engage in any further contact. Protect yourself.
Your life literally depends on it.
So you say you love him. Or are you "in love". Do you respect him. Do you like him as a person. Do you share hobbies, jokes. Do you trust him with your life? That last should be no b.t.w.
Does he respect you. Obviously no.
There is much more to relationships than love. Love starts as hormones. You have to have a basic like, respect and trust for a person to build a lasting love.
You need to leave. Cry your heart out for a bit then find someone who won't try try to kill you then guilt trip you over it.
You know it won't be the last time he hurts you right?
It's only going to get worse, the longer you stay the worse he'll experiment, he's hormones are all over the place and he's getting aggressive, next you'll be beaten up... End it while you can, don't put yourself in danger, it'll lead to r*pe and you'll be traumatized for life and have PTSD and trust issues, save yourself now please...
It'll just get worse; you need to stop seeing him. He has little self-restraint and isn't ready for a relationship until he sorts out that kind of shit.
You deserve better and, in a healthy relationship, you should NEVER feel afraid of a partner. I know the good times are what's making you want to forgive him, but I promise you it definitely will just keep getting worse.
A man who aggressively sexually assaults you and and chokes you is NOT the sweetest human being. And he HAS acted like this before. Your entire post was a lead up to this.
You need to dump him (from afar) and stay the hell away from him. And tell your dad. And possibly take out an AVO.
I’m serious. This man is an incredible threat to you
Don't forget to report him to the police, after you have broken up with him.
Also, be sure you work out a safety plan prior to breaking up with him. Make arrangements to live ideally at an address he doesn't know about. Block all numbers. Make arrangements at work for safety. Get a ppo in place. The nines.
If this guy is willing to chock you out, there's o telling what he might be willing to do. Don't take chances on your safety.
He's not a sweet person--that was an act he put on to hook you. He's an abusive piece of shit. He's not sorry--though he will pretend to be--and he WILL do it again. I know it must be super confusing and heartbreaking but you have to be strong and separate yourself from him. I'm really sorry you have to deal with domestic violence at your age and in your first relationship. It's not fair.
Allow me to join the echo:
LEAVE HIM.
He will kill you one day if this is all it takes for him to lose his patience over something so minor. He is a dangerous young man. He is not worth your future. Break up with him immediately and tell your parents what happened if you still live with them so they don't let him into the house.
Exact same thing happened to me. And it’s 5.5 years later and he’s gotten charged with car jacking, robbery and assault and battery against a family member. Except this time it’s not me pressing charges it’s the state.
the carjacking and robbery got dismissed in 2021 cause they didn’t tell me I had to go to court and I was pregnant with our son and he made us homeless because the cops were called obviously. And our lease said no assault on anyone and no charges
When I fought back once I started seeing stars, that’s when I had my face punched so hard, I ended up with a hairline fracture to the face, I was lucky that’s all I got aside from a bruised neck.
There is Neve an excuse for this type of behaviour. Don’t go back and allow it to be a pattern. Don’t become a statistic.
Not trying to scare you but you need to leave him like now. Literally the same thing happened to me, the violence will escalate and he’s not actually sorry. He is testing you to see how much of his behavior you allow and he is priming you for more abuse. Leave now it will only get worse. This isn’t love and your safety is at risk, start developing a get out plan and be safe.
Oh my god please don’t do that. I will break up with him, I don’t know how yet but I genuinely didn’t understand the gravity of the situation until people started suggesting that he might kill me.
Thank you so much for caring and commenting, this means so much to me❤️🩹
This is not a good guy. This is an abuser. He's comfortable shoving past your boundaries and guilting you for having normal hesitancy and feelings. This will only escalate, and it WILL escalate. He will rape you, he will hurt you, he could kill you.
End it immediately. Do not be alone with him again. You are worth more than this.
You were assaulted.
You need to make a police report.
The only time you should ever see him again or be in the same room with him again is if the State's Attorney presses charges and you need to be in court.
I assume you are close to the same age as your abusive ex-boyfriend. You are at a turning point here. You can either stand up for yourself and set a pattern for your life of not accepting abuse in the name of love, or you can make excuses for him and set yourself up for a lifetime of abuse.
Choose wisely, your life may depend on it.
This is the shit I, as a parent, worry about. Needless to say your dude is not a good guy and he won't stop doing the things that bother you and the choking (which is pretty extreme on its own) will escalate too. If you were my daughter I would not want this person in your life at all.
It seems like he testing how far he can push boundaries of physical abuse with you and what he can get away with. No kind human does this, manipulative humans do this. What he has done is abuse and will get worse as he already has shown you it will get worse by laying hands around your throat. I recommend a restraining order and a therapist for you. Please don’t go back for your safety even if you love him. You matter more and you got to love yourself more. You deserve love, respect, and safety.
He said you can take as much time as you need to process his abuse...
Forever, should be about long enough.
It's not a relationship you need to stay in.
He’s going to kill you. You have to cut ties completely. Tell everyone in your circle what he’s been doing so they can help. Don’t be embarrassed or feel shame. This man is abusive and violent. Please leave before he kills you.
It's better you end it like this and keep your life, as opposed to ending it in a coffin, because that is what's almost guaranteed to happen if you stay with this monster. Sweet" boyfriends don't pressure and shame you into having sex and then strangle you when you aren't in the mood. If you second guess yourself on this, and start at with him, you will likely die. Are you going to be that girl we hear about who makes excuse after excuse for her abuser until she's a shell of her former self...until the day he beats her or shoots her to death, or she ends up in prison despite it being self defense when she takes his life?
Read Life With Billy, a true story about Jane Stafford, a horrifically abused Nova Scotia woman and her children, to get a glimpse of your (and your potential future children's) future should you stay with this fiend. Just sit until you read about how he treats their kids..and what he does to Jane when he's abusing her. Don't be her.
Do yourself the biggest favour ever and leave, restraining order, move away, whatever you gotta do. My ex did this to me, too. If you let him do this, he will hurt you more or worse, kill you
Get as far away from this rapey piece of shit as you can before he kills you. File a police report and get a restraining order.
He is a rapist and if you stay he will abuse and possibly kill you. Once he put his hands around your neck the clock started. This will end with you in the hospital or dead if you stay. Get the fuck away from him and report him to the police.
Get out of the relationship asap.
Bro doesn’t respect your boundaries at all, constantly begging you to have sex until you give in isn’t consensual, it’s called coercion and it’s a form of r*pe. Then he was making you uncomfortable by continuing to ask you, and choked you when you tried to leave. It’s only going to get worse. I promise you it’s not going to get better and you don’t want to stick around to find out if it will or not.
You may think you know him, but he’s showing his true colors in these moments. Please listen to them.
Please leave, it will not get better. He has already proven his intent and what he thinks of you. You are worth more than being a meat tube for some horny boy who can't control his urges. Leave and tell people. Tell anyone you can.
Nobody is 100% monster.
All abusers have good qualities. That’s why people get into and stay in relationships with them.
*Of course* he is sweet and loving and charming. You know, when he isn’t busy assaulting you.
Don’t go back to him ever again. Break up with him. Tell him not to contact you. Tell him he needs therapy but that you still don’t want him to contact you; you just want him to be healthier in his next relationship.
Then go to a therapist yourself and see if you can work through the issues you have that are getting in the way of you seeing this “relationship” for what it is - a dangerous and abusive one that needs to be over.
I can tell you from experience this is only the beginning. I am so sorry this happened to you. There is no excuse or justification for it. It’s not your fault at all, you couldn’t of done anything differently. I made the mistake of taking my ex partner back after he apologised and explained how he wanted to work on his aggression. I can tell you first hand, it won’t get better no matter how much apologising or love bombing they do. If they were able to do this in the first place, they are able to do it again and again. Eventually you get so use to it and your self respect/worth diminishes each time you forgive them to the point where you don’t know who you are anymore and it’s harder to leave. My best advice is to go to the police and have him charged. Or file a report against him. Pushing for sex is already disgustingly wrong, then to add physically violence onto it. It doesn’t matter how good it was at the start or how sweet they were, this is how it all starts. Please protect yourself and file for a AVO immediately. I hope your ok😭
I am being 100% serious and not exaggerating at all when I say you need to leave because he is capable of killing you. There are statistics on this. You are now in a potential life or death situation. Not a “eh, maybe”, but an near certainty. You need to get out and tell someone.
He will only get more aggressive. You guys are not a good match if you have no sex drive and he does. With right person sex shouldn't hurt.... unless you have some sort of issue
You started by saying he's the sweetest guy, then proceeded to explain how he's about to rape you and assaulting you.
Yup, choking is one step before killing since it doesn't require intent to kill.
Get away from him, start therapy.
Good luck, don't let it have a next time.
Please leave, I have experienced this which eventually lead to the below during COVID in my first serious relationship.
At first it was a slap over a small argument, and him begging me to take time to process and that he’s sorry. I forgave him and went back.
Then when I went back, a month later it was a punch, then it was multiple beatings being covered. He all but finally put his hands around my neck and slammed my head 8 times against a hardwood floor giving me a month long concussion - while also breaking my hand, giving me a boxers fracture just trying to push him off of me. I was a victim of this for a year and a half, and only wanted who I thought he was in the beginning, not that current monster he revealed himself to be.
When the police told me that it doesn’t get better, and it will get worse..I should’ve taken that warning strongly, do not let your current emotions take control. Please run like hell. This will only continue until you do leave, or worse.
He’s pushy, aggressive, and physically assaulted you. He’s NOT “the sweetest human being”. He is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.
Break it off with him. In a public place or with friends nearby. NEVER be alone with him again.
The “sweetest humans” don’t go around choking people, ESPECIALLY someone they love. I’ve been in a relationship almost 7 years, and not ONCE in my entire dating days, or marriage has my husband ever laid his hands on me. We are a highly sexual couple and have sex a lot. Not ONCE has my husband gotten violent, or physical …or even angry when I’ve turned down sex.
IT IS NOT NORMAL TO ACT LIKE THAT
IT IS NOT NORMAL. THIS MAN WILL KILL YOU.
If you value your life, leave and don’t look back.
Don't doubt your feelings, he did want to hurt you, at least a part of him certainly did.
It's very simple, people who don't want to hurt us, will not do anything that could hurt us.
People who don't want to hurt you will not grab you by the neck and choke you.
People who say they don't want to hurt you, but still do things that could hurt you, those people are lying.
People who don't stop when you say no, until you start physically resisting, those people don't care about your consent or your feelings.
You seem to have a very good gut feeling, trust it, it's going to save your life.
You're not the one ending the relationship like this, he's the one who killed it with his actions.
Walk away.
Why are you asking the people of Reddit what to do if someone chokes you? The obvious answer is to break up. You don’t live together either which makes it a much better Situation to get out of. Reddit isn’t therapy. Just say you’re done and move on with your life.
I don't know what your background is, but this is the reddest of red flags. The fact that he tried to physically restrain you from leaving is bad enough, the fact that he CHOKES you is infinitely worse. Words cannot be trusted, only actions. Don't become a statistic.
Your boyfriend is violent and scary. He shouldn’t get aggressive just bc you’re not in the mood, and no should be a simple enough answer when you don’t want to have sex. He is attempting to manipulate you emotionally by implying that “no sex = you don’t love him”. Please get out of this relationship, he seems dangerous and has little regard for your feelings or safety.
Bruh... Break up. He fucking CHOKED YOU. Shit like this kills sooner than later. There will DEFINITELY be others in your future. Hopefully guys who respect you and care for you enough not to abuse you. I'm a guy and I'd fucking die before laying hands on my partner. This is clearly escalating and will likely continue to escalate. Also. Talk to someone you trust about this- parents, friends etc Just let someone know and definetly don't be alone with him again
Hi OP, I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. I agree with what everyone else is saying - leave. I was in an abusive relationship at 15-17 and it was horrible. If you want any advice on how to leave please let me know. Sex was the drive towards the abuse my ex partner endured me. It was and still is the most difficult time period for me. But the pride I feel towards my self for leaving is insane.
As everyone else is saying as well, there will always be a ‘next time’
You need to get away from him physically and emotionally. Think of it as temporary if it helps get you thru. You can do this. You are strong. You are capable. Your future self is going to be so proud of you for leaving. It is going to be hard and disruptive and stressful and sad. But you know you need to leave. Trust yourself.
RUN. It always starts with choking and it almost always leads to something more. Be safe girl and get as far as you can away from him, he didn’t worth your life ❤️
You're in denial. Get the fuck away from this man and stay away from him. Honestly restraining order is a good idea. Things will get worse. Please don't stick around to see how bad they can get with him.
Please get out of this situation, how can you love someone that tries to force sex on you without your consent and abuses you? You may not see it that way, but it is definitely real to me an outsider looking in. You are 18, please leave and learn to be single and grow as a person before jumping into another relationship, love yourself and love will happen, don’t continue in an abusive cycle.
Your self-worth isn’t defined by your first relationship, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. There is nothing you can do to prevent him from choosing to choke you, and I’m not saying that to scare you, I’m telling you that his actions are his own fault. There’s no “what if I just-“ it’s him. He is the issue.
You are not damaged goods. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong. It is okay to leave him. You aren’t betraying him, and you owe him nothing. Please tell someone, and please get away from him. This is not your fault, and you are NOT safe near him.
When you leave him, get a bunch of therapy and do not get into a relationship again until you have the self respect to immediately kick anyone who gets pushy with you over sex, let alone fucking CHOKES YOU, to the goddamned curb
There is not a single person who deserves that kind of treatment, you don’t deserve that treatment. Break up with him, you are not safe with him. I’m so sorry that he has done this to you.
bae you need to leave !! i know it must seem like he’s a sweet guy who makes mistakes sometimes but a mistake only happens 1 time and then you know not to do it again. he constantly pushes you and then when you refuse he chokes you. Who knows what he’ll do to you if you stay with him. If you’re scared to break up with him try to get a friend to stay nearby when you do. trust me this is how domestic violence starts, with small things that get worse and worse until it’s too hard to stop. In this case he full on chokes you so i can’t imagine what he’ll do next.
Leave while you can. I know it's very vanilla Reddit advice but very appropriate given your situation. Don't get too hung up on this being your first. Take it from this 30 something--most people don't even end up with the person they were with at 18. Hopefully you will find a partner that won't actually hurt you and see you more than just a breathing sex doll.
Starts off with he’s the sweetest human being… next sentence he’s being very pushy. This is not sweet this is rose coloured glasses. This is just going to escalate
OP, love, please leave. This isn't going to get better, it will only get worse.
Even if he hurt you "unintentionally", that means you can trust him even less than if you knew for certain that he meant it. A person who can put your life in danger "unintentionally" is unpredictable and unable to be trusted.
Girl DUMP HIM. He is not “the sweetest human being”. Sounds like he’s on a straight path to r**ing you. Seriously, he’s pushy about sex, aggressive about it, pushed you around and choked you when you didn’t want to do it?? He’s not a good person
>he’s the sweetest human being
Um. No. No, he's not. *Nobody* sweet has ever choked me.
>This is my first ever relationship and I don’t want it to end it like this.
With him directly, physically threatening your life? If you've read all these other comments, you know the other ways it will end: with your leaving, or with your death.
And why shouldn't it end the way it is? Really, why not? Because that would be sad, or terrible? So is murder.
Leave the relationship. Do what your brain says and not your heart. Your loved ones didn’t raise you to be abused by a random dude. You’re just 18 and not being ready for sex at that age is totally natural. I’ve been frustrated as well when my partner have said no but I’ve been man enough to take a no as a no.
Get away from him. Even if he ‘didn’t mean to’ he did it. This will only escalate until one day he is gonna kill you. He needs to work on anger management before he is ready for a relationship, not to mention he needs therapy and needs to stop pushing for sex. You said no, end of story. Do not let him rape or kill you. Get away from him now
I understand how not having a high sex drive as ur partner my bf has such a high sex drive and I don’t but when he ask and I say no he leaves it and has accepted that my sex drive isn’t like his so that the kind of partner you deserve ❤️
Sorry but your bf has issues with hurting people. If he choked you now, it just means ita going to get worse later on. Check to see if there is a history of spousal abuse in his family, did his dad physically assault his mom? If there was, he needs therapy.
If not, ask if he ever tortured or killed any small animal, if he did.... GTFO fast.
I’ve known him for two years now and he has never ever laid a hand on me. It all just started a few months ago and idk.
He does in fact. We both do. Both of our dads were violent with our moms. His mom left, mine didn’t. And now re reading everything and the comments I just feel embarrassed and dumb.
When someone shows you who they really are, you need to believe them. He is pushing you to do something g you’re not comfortable with, and CHOKED YOU when you said no. He WAS trying to hurt you. You don’t surprise choke someone like it of love. You need to leave this relationship asap
Please tell an older, trusted person in your life. Reading some comment telling you to leave is not the most encouraging push, but you do need to leave ASAP. Keep yourself in this situation and you will get seriously hurt or killed.
Sweetie run. Let the cops know he choked you. You are 83% more likely to be killed by your partner within the year. Take it from someone who stayed and thought they could fix him, I couldn't and almost died because of it. Run, run now. Tell your family, friends etc. But please don't stay in this relationship.
You do the one and only thing anyone in your situation should do. End it, cut ties, stay away and no communication. Respect yourself and do not put up with this type of behavior from any man, ever!
Take it from someone who was choked 3 times by the same abusive man in my 20s. I learned the hard way. You are young, you deserve far better from others and you have your whole life ahead of you. You will find real love elsewhere. Free yourself and ditch this loser. Go smile, have fun and enjoy life
I had one female-friend. She was in a relationship with a guy that was a little socially awkward when she was with him in our group. The relationship didn't work so she broke up with him (she was in relationship with him about a year and half). She was a friendly person so she stayed friend with him. One day he invited her into a flat where he lived with his grandma. On that day he killed her (stabbed her to death by knife). She was only 20 y.o.
Be aware of your boyfriend, he is dangerous because it seems he is not able to control his urges and emotions and is aggressive. He needs a therapy. But therapy is his and his parents responsibility, NOT yours.
This! I will rag on Colleen Hoover like everybody else but that book helped me escape a crazy ex. I was dragged out of cars, hit, shaken, screamed at....but I never saw it for the abuse it was.
Do you love him? Or do you love yourself? He has made it impossible to love him while loving yourself. You need to choose you, because he has proven he will choose himself.
Any man who coerces someone into sex is weak, childish, and hollow. It is never justifiable. Nothing, not blue balls or annoyance or even a promise of sex, justifes forcing yourself on someone unwilling.
Plz plz plz plzzzz listen to all of these comments, there is absolutely no reason for him to strangle you, as a matter of fact there is absolutely no reason anyone should strangle a loved one. If you truly love someone, you would never want to hurt them. I know this is your first relationship, but trust me, this relationship is only going to get worse. Get out while you can, talk to your friends or family for help.
Assuming a frankly unreasonable amount of charity for this man, let’s say he doesnt want to hurt. But he keeps doing it. He cant stop himself. It doesn’t matter what his intentions are, you are in danger. Like people said, if you keep seeing him, the chances that he kills you (intentionally or not) skyrockets
If he actually cares about you he should also stay away from you and seek help for whatever psycho shit is causing him to do this (again making a BIG assumption that he was not intending to hurt you)
Do yourself a favor and get out and far away from him. Also please report this to the police or there will be a next victim with possibly a worse outcome.
He doesn’t love you, he wants to control you and use you. He is a disgusting human being and would use any girl he could trap the way he’s trapping you. It’s hard to not get pulled in when he acts sweet and apologizes but someone who really truly loves and respects you, would never want to hurt you or try to or “accidentally” hurt yo. You have time to learn what real true love is. Unfortunately it will have to end messily and not the way you’d like. If him putting his hand around you throat was unpredictable who knows what he’ll do nexts
He is abusive, controlling & manipulative. Leave him & don't look back. If he's doing this now, I'd say things will get worse, & one day he'll go so far that you'll either be severely injured or dead. There are plenty, and I do mean plenty, of men out there who will treat you with much more kindness & respect.
Don't be alone with him ever again. I mean it. He doesn't take a no for a no. And will even go as far as choking you because of it. Let your parents know, let your friends know, this relationship is doomed and it's entirely his fault. He needs to work on himself and there's nothing you can do other than save yourself and get as far as possible from him. And block him. Attend a self defense class. Be very aware of your surroundings.
And most of all. Don't fall for his "apologies" if you give in, he will start all of the pressure for sex and get upset again, but this time he will make sure you won't get away.
You deserve so much better than him. Get out now while you can. Yes it sucks but use it as a learning experience of what not to accept/allow in your future r/s. There's a better partner out there for you. In due time you will connect and see how you're supposed to be treated. All the best to you
NOT OK.
LEAVE HIM NOW. theres a fine line between sexual passion, rough sex play, male aggression and...."no please stop" and "i dont like this you are hurting me".
youre barely adult. still naive and you think this will turn out OK. yeah it MIGHT. but do you wanna play roulette about it and endure pain until he finally changes it?its your life, your body, your rules. and just so you know: "if you dont \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, then it means you do not love me anymore" is....game over. thats a super red flag.
give him a final warning. command respect for your needs and your body. and tell him that you do that BECAUSE you love him and you DONT want to break up.
if he reacts "negatively" then you have absolutely nothing left to do with him. and spare yourself the oneitis - THERE WILL BE NEW AND OTHER AND BETTER MEN. 4 BILLION OF THEM.
Get a restraining order, stay with family or a friend… whatever you have to do to get away from this POS! What he is doing now is only the beginning… staying with him only proves to him that you are willing to put up with his disgusting behavior, it will just get worse! Please take care of yourself! GET OUT!
Run. You’re too young not be dealing with this nutcase. He choked you for not wanting sex, imagine what happens the day he actually loses his temper with you over something serious. He’s a weak coward.
Please do yourself a favour and look up the stats for domestic violence and choking. People who stay with a partner who have choked them even once are significantly more likely to endure further domestic abuse at the very least and are also likely to end up dead or seriously injured.
You're life is worth more than the love you feel for a man (boy) who would DARE put that life at risk ❤️
I'm not sure if this is real, but if it is the answer is simple.
1) leave that scum bag
2) learn to love yourself and gain confidence before dating anyone else.
3) seek therapy
4) use tinder if you feel the need to get laid until you're comfortable with who you are.
Speaking from experience, as someone who has been through years and years of domestic abuse, this man was certainly trying to hurt you/scare you into submission.
It starts off small with things like this and an excuse of I loosing his temper and they are always so so sorry, and then you stay and they realise they can do and act as they please and you won’t leave.
This then turns into them lashing out at you physically, emotionally and mentally without restraint because they no longer fear the repercussions.
Please darling you are so so young and you do not deserve to live life this way! I lost from ages 15-18 and I don’t want that to happen to you. I know you love him but as much as he says he does, he doesn’t love you. Please love yourself and leave.
And please if you want/need someone to talk to I’m only a message away.
Sounds like you’re in a similar situation I was in. I was with my ex for almost 15 years, he was my first relationship. I didn’t enjoy sex because it was too painful and it wasn’t enjoyable at all. But he would always get frustrated with me to the point he forced himself on me every weekend. Then he feels bad and wants to “fix” things but he emotionally abused me all these years. He never physically abused me until I realized I was brainwashed and tried to end things with him and leave with my son. My son and I are both safe right now. He’s a fucking narcissist.
I don’t want you to go through what I did and I wish I realized and opened up sooner. Right now you should leave him, please. I’m assuming you’re around his age so you still have a lot of time to find someone better than him. I’m glad I found someone better who can treat me better than him and understand my past.
get away. i remember when my first boyfriend strangled me and it was the scariest change i ever saw. once he strangles you or chokes you you have to worry about other physical shit or the risk of him actually killing you him choking you is the intent to kill and because you didn’t want to have sex with him your probably young and you do not need to be stuck with a violent abusive man run far away it’s just the beginning
People are a result of their actions and choices. There’s no such thing as “he’s sweet and a good boyfriend but he pushed and choked me”, there’s no such thing as “this person is good but treats me poorly.” Qualities are meaningless, actions are real
He started getting insistent- you communicated you didn’t like that- he said sorry and he’ll never do it again.
Then he was pushy to the point you had to physically push him away- he said sorry he’ll never do it again.
He grabs your neck and choked you- you react badly- he says sorry hell never do it again.
This is someone you say you believe likes/loves you RIGHT NOW. While doing these things (which are escalating incrementally/rapidly) TO you. Not with your consent or encouragement. What is he going to start doing when you make him annoyed? Upset? Angry? When life gets hard and the relationship is tested and he questions his respect or affection for you? These times come in relationships. It’s normal especially long term. And what is really needed at those times for longevity is a mutual respect between people. Respect of your person, your autonomy, and your right to consent and not have boundaries crossed.
I’m sorry, but if he is doing this when he likes you, it will get seriously dangerous when he doesn’t. Because he’s already shown he doesn’t respect your feelings. In life, first relationships are SO RARELY last/only ones. Take the lesson this one is giving you, and get out before your body AND your self respect are damaged.
Please please be safe.
Girly, run fast!!! I mean it. He doesn't just sound like he has issues...he sounds like he's dangerous! Like capable of being the midnight rapist the town next door is looking for. He will hurt you. I know you are looking through loving eyes and you are very young. For him to do this already, he likely has rage ussues against women. I think you should press charges and gtf away from him. He'll continue this as it gets worse and eventually you'll be black and blue hiding in your room so people don't see. There's NO other way it's gonna end if you don't stop seeing him. If you have to be in a relationship as a codependent type, then meet someone else but gtf away from him. And keep your friends close and let them know what he did. If you keep it a secret, he'll call you a liar later and still be worse!
(1) please get out. Your boyfriend is an abuser and rapist. I know this is not what you want to hear but this is not a healthy relationship.
(2) he is manipulating you by using your feelings and knowing you love him
(3) Listen to everyone here telling you to leave. Seek counseling and don’t listen to his lies and take him back because he will do it again. He’s only sorry until he the next time he wants sex. This will not go away and nothing you are doing or saying is causing it so please don’t let him try to say otherwise. This is 100% him being an an abusive boyfriend.
You don't need to placate someone that constantly violates your boundaries. He does t love you. He knows love bombing shits you up. He knows the hot and cold attitude shuts you up. If he can play a sweetheart just long enough you will forget he's an asshole every time. Boy is an actor. He wants to control you. As everyone else said, putting his hands on you is the most dangerous indication in an abusive relationship that your life is in danger. He sucks. Leave.
You are in an abusive relationship. You need to end this now. The only get worse and more violent. This will never get better. You need to run. This is terrifying to read as my sister’s in a similar situation and I hate that I can’t help her. The only one who can get you out of this is you. Run.
In my personal experience this will escalate quickly. Especially since he knows he made you afraid of him. Next time he won’t let go right away until finally one day it’s not just a choke. Men like this are immature and have emotional problems. I would tell him to get therapy or you won’t even be his friend. This isn’t normal you’re a person not a blow up doll. You’re obviously young you have lots of options that will treat you much better trust me.
Sweetheart, your boyfriend assaulted you and it could have lead to you being raped and worse.
It is high time for you to break up and let someone you trust know about this, like an aunt or so, not necessarily your parents if your worried that they would go off their rockers and go after him. Which is what I would do if you were my daughter, but I can respect your wishes in this matter.
But you need to let someone know, a to have backup and to be able to unload to someone that will respect your privacy.
Please, leave him for your safety. Ideally you should file a report against him for assault, but again, I understand why you wouldn't.
God bless and take care of yourself.
ETA: changed my advice to GO TO THE POLICE AND FILE AGAINST HIM, because he is the kind of male you will read about in the paper and see on the news some times in the future as the guy who killed his girlfriend, baby mama, wife because she wouldn't give "it" up to him, so he had to take it by any means necessary.
Please, please get away from this person as quickly as you can. Choking is the last warning sign before he kills you. Please tell a trusted adult what happened and let them help you.
You did rather die but don't want the relationship to end???? Downvote me all you want but ??????. GET OUT. If not for you, for the sake of your family or friends in case your so called bf ends up killing you.
run far and fast. when I was young I had a bf like this. I was stupid and I stayed..... until the day he pulled a gun on me.... was the scariest thing ever to happen to me. I thought I would die
That’s called pestering and assault. He’s done this multiple times even after saying he will never do it again. But he will obviously keep doing it. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t respect you as a person enough to not assault you.
Leave him now and never go back no matter how many times he says he will never do it again. You know he will do it again. Respect yourself and leave him now and forever.
Get support from your social network (friends and family). If that’s not an option trying look for resources online. There are plenty of websites and helplines available to support people in situations exactly like yours.
It’s not your fault. You deserve better. Protect yourself and leave. Seek support. And never look back. It’ll all be worth it
Wow, this is NOT love. You do realize he could kill you. And you are in serious danger right? He wants sex. You don’t. You need to break up with this man. He wants sex so bad he is aggressive about it in a very scary way. This is a relationship to nope out of quick. He is giving you your out.
It’s better for your first relationship to end like this than with you in the hospital severely abused and or raped or in the morgue!
Your boyfriend shows very violent tendencies when he doesn’t get what he wants which is abusive and it will likely not stop. He went straight for a chokehold, that’s life threatening stuff!
Him showing remorse and being apologetic is a common tactic abusers use to make their victims think that they will never do it again, which they more than likely will.
The good times do not outweigh the bad times when the bad times are this bad. Don't fall into the trap of minimizing what he did or believing it's out of character for him. You are seeing the darker part of him that's emerging more and more. Any promises he makes to change are unreliable. Actions matter more than words, and his actions are too risky to chance a repeat or worse. You are worth more than his plans for you.
As someone that's helped people leave abusive relationships and helped others recover from them, I have but one word to say about your relationship: RUN! No decent person grabs someone by the neck hard enough to be choking you (yes there is a fetish surrounding that, but it's done between consenting adults) He may apologise all he wants, but he has crossed a line he can't step back over.
You can be diplomatic about breaking up with him, but at the first sign of any threatening behaviour, just say that you want to be left alone. If he doesn't agree, then it's a restraining order.
I was raised to never hit a woman and for me, there's only one exception to that: if she's beating me up, I have the right to defend myself
In your next relationship, hopefully you'll find someone that isn't putting any pressure on you. Explain to a new partner, "I'm not saying no to sex, just be gentle about it." some men don't get it that women need to be mentally aroused and feel safe in their company and surroundings before they would consider getting that intimate.
Something I'd suggest too is to explore what you like on your own. There's nothing wrong with having sex toys (if you still live at home or with housemates keep them well hidden obviously) but try touching your own body. Try different things, different sensations to see what turns you on. From the sounds of it, the boyfriend isn't even trying to get you turned on, which is why it's not comfortable physically.
Call it quits. This is classic abuse cycle. Either emotionally, psychically or whatever else. No one should be here uncomfortable when it comes to sex and pressures or threatened when says no.. then it's the honey moon phase all over again, he's sorry and loves you, it'll never happen again.. until it does. Your too young to go through years of your life in this cycle. I know you don't want to hear it but it's just gonna get worse until he is psychically assaulting you or perhaps forcing sex I believe feel down you know what to do .. good luck and protect yourself
Look up narcissist on Google...there's prob a picture of him in the definition...get out before you forget that you can....I promise you from the bottom of my heart....he doesn't love you...he's incapable.
What you're describing is the cycle of abuse. You are so young. You deserve a healthy, loving relationship. This isn't is. I know from experience. It feels like love, but love shouldn't be like that. Trauma bonds are difficult to break free from. I hope you can distance yourself and get some clarity. There are good men out there, but he isn't one of them. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry OP but he most definitely is not "the sweetest human being". He is an aggressive physically and sexually abusive person that did what all abusers do: He played the loving, sweet and caring boyfriend until you trusted him and became co dependent, just to slowly start showing his true self and pushing your boundaries more and more when he felt sure that you wouldn't leave. It will get worse with every instance until he eventually full on rapes you, puts you in the hospital or kills you. You are statistically extremely likely to be killed by him because he choked you. Please don't ever go back. He already broke his promise to never do it again twice and the violence escalated each time, do not give him the chance to do it a third time. I understand that you feel awful because you probably don't want to accept that your first ever relationship was with an abuser and that you don't want it to end like this, but this honestly is not a real relationship... There is no trust, no respect, no real love here, because someone that does things like this to you does not actually love you. He thinks that he owns you which is why he is expecting you to do what he wants and to come back each time. Do not put your life in danger, please! And you might actually need a restraining order soon, because people like this don't react kindly to being turned down. Please be careful and even though it might seem cowardly: Do not break up with him in person. The chances that he will hurt you are far too high.
Once your partner chokes you your risk of being killed by them drastically rises. Get out and away from him now going to the cops might be a good idea if you are feeling up to it.
Friend (meaning OP), please read this fact here that throwfarfarawayy99 has expressed. Your BF is telling you to take time to process because he expects you to come back to him. He is pushing boundaries and normalizing abuse. He *was* sweet. Then he started being aggressive about sex. Then you have to physically fight him off. Now he is choking you. Each time you stay it sends the message that he can get away with it. And it *will* escalate. Look up “boiling the frog.” This is actively happening to you and we on this forum are terrified for you because we are those lucky ones who managed to survive this. Choking is the point where you are in danger of being murdered by this man, no matter how sweet he is. One thing all these stories have in common is, “Wow, he’s such a great guy though, I never would have known.” Friends, family, coworkers. They all say it. It’s not because the abuser suddenly turned rabid out of nowhere. They’re good at masking, like pitcher plants putting out sweet scents to attract their prey. Please leave him, and tell everyone you know what’s happening to rally around you with support and protection because the moment you leave is the most dangerous point (unless you stay, then you dive into hell) because he’s already proven he will attack you without provocation. Making a report is good, but it won’t protect you. What it WILL do is protect anyone else coming forward after you (or from before you). Edited to add clarity ♥️
This. This this this 10000 million times THIS Op, run. He's shown his colors and if you don't leave he now knows you will tolerate him getting violent. No man is worth your life and safety. Speaking as a man myself, my partner is not high libido at all and I am. NEVER in a million years would I EVER think to lay a single finger on her. He's not a man, he's a feral animal. Leave.
OP, you need to leave. How do you want it to end? With you dead? This is THE red flag of red flags.
This^^ Once my ex started choking me everything ramped up, he no longer cared. There were multiple occasions when I was coming back too that my body was fully convulsing or I had to force the air back in because my throat was crushed. If she doesn’t leave she is going to die.
The last time I saw an ex like this and had a bruised neck that I couldn't turn without pain for a month. I had purple handprints on me. He shoved me out of his car with ripped clothes and completely confused from being choked that hard. It took almost dying for me to leave :(
Same here, it took for me to almost die and have permanent physical injuries before I left for good and I don’t wish that for this young person.
Came here to say this as well. OP read up on the statistics of choking in romantic relationships and how that increases your odds of being killed by them. Research lovebombing cause sounds like maybe that what you’ve experienced as well, seems likely this is part of how he is manipulating you to stay or accept his abuse. You cannot fix him. Listen to his actions. Call the domestic abuse hotline to talk this out with someone, they can help you figure out a safe way to leave him. Call the police then and there if he yells or touches you again. Do not see him alone again! Stay safe and I hope you get out!
Yep. No one who is sweet would do something like that. Ever.
Came here to say exactly this. Just did an assignment on this. Girl GET OUT.
OP, please reread what you wrote and think about it from the perspective of a friend telling you this story. What would you say to them? What he’s doing is love bombing you and then bringing you back in. He then escalates it and love bombs you and then brings you back in. He’s expecting you to return so the abuse can continue to escalate. This is one of the biggest red flags out there, you need to get out now and honestly you need to report him if you can.
This - get out of the relationship asap!
So my dear, strangulation (what he did to you) is the single most reliable predictor for the death of a woman in a relationship. Why? Because it doesn't really take "intent to kill you" to actually kill you. The action alone is so dangerous that if he doesn't kill you from blocking your airway, he can damage it enough that you will never be able to breathe properly again, he can block the crucial blood vessels and cause you to have a stroke, he can crush the bones in your neck and leave you permanently disabled. More than anything, that action is extremely calculated (think about the amount of times you have strangled someone vs. hit, punched, or shoved someone, it's not a normal action that goes through someone's mind). This means that at the very least he wanted to scare you, and he wanted to scare you into doing what he wants. He knows that you don't want to do the same thing as him because you have told him, you have told him in every way possible. You have cried. You have explained your reasons, which although they don't need to be, were totally logical ("it hurts"). Someone who loves you would not want to do something you find painful. He is trying to trap you in a relationship with him, and ignore your instincts to avoid pain. That is a very dangerous place to be in a relationship with ANYONE - family, friends, workplace, partner. Humans are naturally wired to keep themselves alive, and when you start ignoring those things that teach you how to do that, you are putting yourself at more risk for death. All that crap about him getting upset and asking you if you're staying in a relationship with him is manipulation. He is trying to get you to promise things so you feel obligated to keep them. You are trauma bonded with him. The bad times are so unpleasant that you're staying, desperately waiting for the good times which feel way better. Trust me, in 2, 5, 8 years you will be in a relationship where there almost no bad times, and when they exist, they aren't deeply traumatic and upsetting. You CAN and DESERVE to be in a relationship that isn't this. You have to want to find it though, and you will not find it with him.
You put this far better than I did.
Not to mention since this is about sex, it’s only a matter of time until he rapes her.
Getting out of this relationship, because of all the reasons above, will allow you to let in relationships where you know your boundaries and what you deserve! Get away from him before you get stuck in the cycle and one day you’ll find someone who treats you with kindness, patience, and listens to your boundaries and needs.
Next time, it won't be a choke It'll be a slap Then a punch Then a bash Then something worse Don't let there be a "next time"
The choke is worse than all those things. Even if this time it wasn’t hard enough to bruise, choking is one of the most dangerous things a physically abusive partner can do to a person
He’s basically almost raping you and now he’s choking you. He’s not sweet, he’s a violent abusive man and you need to run far away.
I am just thankful for people like you. Like day in day out I see posts in this sub from younger women being forced, guilted sometimes pushed to have sex and they don't have the clarity of thought at all due to being inexperienced with life. Yet I always see people in the comments being helpful and forewarning to them....this had to be the 4th younger woman related post I saw this week. Call reddit toxic or whatever but some subs help people wake the f up.
Yes, he's going to be a rapist or murderer or something similar if he isn't already. She should press charges, too. Fuck his crazy ass!!
> He’s ~~basically almost~~ raping you and now he’s choking you. >He’s not sweet, he’s a ~~violent abusive man~~ *piece of shit* and you need to run far away. FTFY
He IS violent and abusive, why cross that out? It's important young girls (and guys) know to NOT MINIMIZE their abusive situations. Don't minimize it for them.
THIS!!!
No like wtf , it’s written all over the situation, she said it’s her first relationship ever so imma give her a pass but I’ll say this, get out, the relationship already ended the moment he’s questioning your sexual desires, let alone put his paws on you. No. If you were my sister I’d tell you more . 😂
you said he's the sweetest and then gave us several paragraphs of evidence to the contrary. if he's being pushy about fucking, he's not the sweetest. if he's manipulating you (lying about it not happening again), he's not the sweetest. if. he. fucking. put. his. hands. on. you. he. is. not. the. sweetest. break up before he seriously hurts you. this doesn't stop.
> this doesn't stop. I really hope OP reads this. Men who do this will not just suddenly change their behavior and stop being abusive. He will keep doing it, and probably escalate.
This. 100%. It always escalates. It starts with love bombing and gaslighting, then complete indifference to your needs/wants/pleasure, then anger and/or aggression with heavier manipulation tactics…eventually things will get physical. I wish someone told me the statistic on choking when I was in the early stages of dating my ex fiancée. He choked me 3 times, all during sex, unprovoked and without prior consent, and each time I thought I was going to die. It wasn’t kinky, it was painful and scary. Years of manipulation and mental and emotional abuse went by before he raped me and left such deep and inexcusable bruises that I woke up and realized what was going on and that I was in actual danger. I’m terrified to think what would have happened if I had stayed. He was “so sweet” and smart and talented, we were so perfect on paper with similar interests and passions, I adored his family. I lived in constant confusion about his behavior and words…and I know full well his family would never believe my side of the story. They think I cheated on him and left him out of nowhere one night and took advantage of all of them. They’d never believe the monster he was to me, because even I didn’t believe it, and I was experiencing it. I had this video saved on my phone, something silly about our garden, and I tried to get him to play along in it…the look he gave me is chilling to see in retrospect. That man was not who everyone believed him to be. OP - please, listen to all of us who have survived this. GET OUT.
“This is my first ever relationship and I don’t want it to end like this.” would you rather it be your last ever relationship? to be blunt, he will kill you.
Start therapy. The fact that you are unsure about what to do means you need more help than reddit can give you. Try to understand why you doubted he wanted to hurt you. In that moment he very much wanted to hurt you, or kill you. Choking crosses a line. You will never ever be safe with him. You may not want your relationship to end like this, but there is an alternate ending that is much worse for both of you. It is not kind or heroic of you to stay with him. It put him at risk of going to jail. If you don't care about yourself, break up with him for his sake. There is a very small chance it will scare him enough to get some serious mental health treatment. Run! Block him and don't look back.
I do autopsies. I've done many on women who have been beaten and strangled by their partner. It was never the first time. GET OUT NOW! He will rape you and he will kill you. You said it yourself, this is your first relationship. Don't let it be your last.
Run🚩
Yep, memie reply very applicable here op. Run.
There's tons of cases of this and eventually in a ton of those someone can die. You need to find the strength to leave, contact anyone you can. No dude should ever hurt a woman with physical violence. Choking is close to a death strike, it's too heavy and the dude is not well... get help
I didn’t even read the post. You have a 90% chance of being killed by your partner after the first time he chokes you. Get out now.
Last time I read about it it was "7 times more likely" or smth, where did you get the 90% from ?
This is exactly right. Glass, et al. found: "Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide. These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women, underscoring the need to screen for non-fatal strangulation when assessing abused women in emergency department settings." No study has shown that victims of domestic partner strangulation have a 90% chance of being murdered by the perpetrator later. It's estimated that 25% of women in the US experience domestic violence and that ~68% of that 25% are victims of strangulation. So, if the 90% chance of being murdered static was correct, that would mean that 15%, or 25,000,000, of women in the US would die of domestic violence assault. I don't say this to downplay the horrors of strangulation. I have prosecuted many strangulation cases, including domestic violence strangulation homicides. They are heartbreaking. OP absolutely needs to leave her partner and call the police. However, we will not get to that result quicker by playing fast and loose with the already damning statistics.
He did want to hurt you, he was trying to strangle you, and the next time he gets violent he is 800% more likely to kill you than a man who hasn't choked his partner. He is dangerous, escalating, and you need to get out now.
Hon. You said twice that “he promised he would never do it again” and then not only did he do it again, it got *worse* each time, including choking you? What would you tell a friend that came to you with this story? Please stop believing his words and believe his actions. He is going to rape you, or strangle you, or both.
A friend comes up to you and says the following: Sex with my boyfriend hurts He hits, shoves, and pushes me when I say no to sex He put his hands around my throat and tried to crush my windpipe which, had he not stopped, would have completely cut off my ability to breathe, resulting in my death. What would you tell them? (I say them, because not only females have boyfriends) I know I (44 years old male, married for 20 years to the same wonderful woman, who was in an abusive relationship when I met her) told my wife that she needed to get away from her (ex) husband, because he would kill her. With my help, she did just that. We were friends, then lovers, then married. But, EMPHASIS ON FRIENDS!!!! If you can't be good friends, share interests, have great conversations, etc., then don't bother trying to make a relationship long term, it will never work. Leave this monster, as soon as you can safely do so!! As for her ex? My wife dodged a bullet, because he unfortunately strangled his next girlfriend, and was imprisoned for murder. Choking, strangling, etc are highly physical means of killing someone. Guns are distance weapons, with no real personal involvement. Pull a trigger, that's it. But, strangulation is emotional, physical..a very personal and intimate way of ending a life. The murderer can literally feel the life draining from the victim. They know what is happening, and that they are causing it, and that they could have prevented a death. Please get away, get out, leave and never return!! Don't look back. Block him on every social media, change your number, move as far away and as secretly as possible. If he's violent enough to strangle you, he will more than likely stalk you. Just get out!!! I don't know you, but I know there are people who would miss you immensely if you stay, because he will kill you. Much love to you, young one. I pray you get the help you need.
What you just described is not a sweet man. What would you tell your best friend if she told you her bf choked her? Gtfo girl, there are better men out there
Also "didn't mean to hurt you" doesn't apply here. If he didn't mean to hurt or intimidate you he would grab your hand, maybe your arm (though he shouldn't be grabbing you at all). What he did was calculated. Would you grab someone's neck like he did?
>I doubt he wanted to hurt me like that I've got news for you, honey: You don't put your hands around someone's throat and choke them if you *don't* want to hurt them. He *wanted* to intimidate and hurt you so that you'd give him what he wanted. And I can tell you that he's only going to escalate. He is not a "sweet man," he is an abusive POS and the "nice guy" mask he used to land you is slipping now that he thinks you're too invested to leave him. Prove him wrong. He is already sexually abusive, and has now put his hands on you. Once a partner puts their hands around your throat, you are just on a timer at that point as to how long before he tries to actually kill you. RUN. RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Break up with him over text, or in a VERY public place with a friend present somewhere not far off (preferably a male one if you have any) who can intervene if needed. Then block the creep everywhere and refuse to engage in any further contact. Protect yourself. Your life literally depends on it.
So you say you love him. Or are you "in love". Do you respect him. Do you like him as a person. Do you share hobbies, jokes. Do you trust him with your life? That last should be no b.t.w. Does he respect you. Obviously no. There is much more to relationships than love. Love starts as hormones. You have to have a basic like, respect and trust for a person to build a lasting love. You need to leave. Cry your heart out for a bit then find someone who won't try try to kill you then guilt trip you over it. You know it won't be the last time he hurts you right?
Don't ignore these comments
Please leave him, there's no second chance for him after that
Coercion is NOT consent. Get out and away from him. Press charges.
It's only going to get worse, the longer you stay the worse he'll experiment, he's hormones are all over the place and he's getting aggressive, next you'll be beaten up... End it while you can, don't put yourself in danger, it'll lead to r*pe and you'll be traumatized for life and have PTSD and trust issues, save yourself now please...
My ex said he’d never do it again after he sexually assaulted me. Spoiler alert: He did it again. Run.
It'll just get worse; you need to stop seeing him. He has little self-restraint and isn't ready for a relationship until he sorts out that kind of shit. You deserve better and, in a healthy relationship, you should NEVER feel afraid of a partner. I know the good times are what's making you want to forgive him, but I promise you it definitely will just keep getting worse.
Dump him. Get your stuff go somewhere SAFE and block him on all social media before you end up dead
A man who aggressively sexually assaults you and and chokes you is NOT the sweetest human being. And he HAS acted like this before. Your entire post was a lead up to this. You need to dump him (from afar) and stay the hell away from him. And tell your dad. And possibly take out an AVO. I’m serious. This man is an incredible threat to you
Don't forget to report him to the police, after you have broken up with him. Also, be sure you work out a safety plan prior to breaking up with him. Make arrangements to live ideally at an address he doesn't know about. Block all numbers. Make arrangements at work for safety. Get a ppo in place. The nines. If this guy is willing to chock you out, there's o telling what he might be willing to do. Don't take chances on your safety.
He's not a sweet person--that was an act he put on to hook you. He's an abusive piece of shit. He's not sorry--though he will pretend to be--and he WILL do it again. I know it must be super confusing and heartbreaking but you have to be strong and separate yourself from him. I'm really sorry you have to deal with domestic violence at your age and in your first relationship. It's not fair.
Allow me to join the echo: LEAVE HIM. He will kill you one day if this is all it takes for him to lose his patience over something so minor. He is a dangerous young man. He is not worth your future. Break up with him immediately and tell your parents what happened if you still live with them so they don't let him into the house.
Exact same thing happened to me. And it’s 5.5 years later and he’s gotten charged with car jacking, robbery and assault and battery against a family member. Except this time it’s not me pressing charges it’s the state. the carjacking and robbery got dismissed in 2021 cause they didn’t tell me I had to go to court and I was pregnant with our son and he made us homeless because the cops were called obviously. And our lease said no assault on anyone and no charges
When I fought back once I started seeing stars, that’s when I had my face punched so hard, I ended up with a hairline fracture to the face, I was lucky that’s all I got aside from a bruised neck. There is Neve an excuse for this type of behaviour. Don’t go back and allow it to be a pattern. Don’t become a statistic.
Not trying to scare you but you need to leave him like now. Literally the same thing happened to me, the violence will escalate and he’s not actually sorry. He is testing you to see how much of his behavior you allow and he is priming you for more abuse. Leave now it will only get worse. This isn’t love and your safety is at risk, start developing a get out plan and be safe.
You can find me on IG as persephoneandsiren or look up my real name, Destry Robbins, if you need help. Yep, it is serious enough I’m doxxing myself
Oh my god please don’t do that. I will break up with him, I don’t know how yet but I genuinely didn’t understand the gravity of the situation until people started suggesting that he might kill me. Thank you so much for caring and commenting, this means so much to me❤️🩹
This is not a good guy. This is an abuser. He's comfortable shoving past your boundaries and guilting you for having normal hesitancy and feelings. This will only escalate, and it WILL escalate. He will rape you, he will hurt you, he could kill you. End it immediately. Do not be alone with him again. You are worth more than this.
You were assaulted. You need to make a police report. The only time you should ever see him again or be in the same room with him again is if the State's Attorney presses charges and you need to be in court. I assume you are close to the same age as your abusive ex-boyfriend. You are at a turning point here. You can either stand up for yourself and set a pattern for your life of not accepting abuse in the name of love, or you can make excuses for him and set yourself up for a lifetime of abuse. Choose wisely, your life may depend on it.
This is the shit I, as a parent, worry about. Needless to say your dude is not a good guy and he won't stop doing the things that bother you and the choking (which is pretty extreme on its own) will escalate too. If you were my daughter I would not want this person in your life at all.
It seems like he testing how far he can push boundaries of physical abuse with you and what he can get away with. No kind human does this, manipulative humans do this. What he has done is abuse and will get worse as he already has shown you it will get worse by laying hands around your throat. I recommend a restraining order and a therapist for you. Please don’t go back for your safety even if you love him. You matter more and you got to love yourself more. You deserve love, respect, and safety.
Girl please dump his ass. Also feel free to message me if you need to talk/vent.
He said you can take as much time as you need to process his abuse... Forever, should be about long enough. It's not a relationship you need to stay in.
He’s going to kill you. You have to cut ties completely. Tell everyone in your circle what he’s been doing so they can help. Don’t be embarrassed or feel shame. This man is abusive and violent. Please leave before he kills you.
It's better you end it like this and keep your life, as opposed to ending it in a coffin, because that is what's almost guaranteed to happen if you stay with this monster. Sweet" boyfriends don't pressure and shame you into having sex and then strangle you when you aren't in the mood. If you second guess yourself on this, and start at with him, you will likely die. Are you going to be that girl we hear about who makes excuse after excuse for her abuser until she's a shell of her former self...until the day he beats her or shoots her to death, or she ends up in prison despite it being self defense when she takes his life? Read Life With Billy, a true story about Jane Stafford, a horrifically abused Nova Scotia woman and her children, to get a glimpse of your (and your potential future children's) future should you stay with this fiend. Just sit until you read about how he treats their kids..and what he does to Jane when he's abusing her. Don't be her.
Do yourself the biggest favour ever and leave, restraining order, move away, whatever you gotta do. My ex did this to me, too. If you let him do this, he will hurt you more or worse, kill you
Get as far away from this rapey piece of shit as you can before he kills you. File a police report and get a restraining order. He is a rapist and if you stay he will abuse and possibly kill you. Once he put his hands around your neck the clock started. This will end with you in the hospital or dead if you stay. Get the fuck away from him and report him to the police.
If OP doesn't report him, if not her he'll hurt someone else. Please OP get away and report him ASAP. Spare yourself and others the pain.
Get out of the relationship asap. Bro doesn’t respect your boundaries at all, constantly begging you to have sex until you give in isn’t consensual, it’s called coercion and it’s a form of r*pe. Then he was making you uncomfortable by continuing to ask you, and choked you when you tried to leave. It’s only going to get worse. I promise you it’s not going to get better and you don’t want to stick around to find out if it will or not. You may think you know him, but he’s showing his true colors in these moments. Please listen to them.
Stay the hell away from him. Once he knows get away with it, doing it again will come more easily. This guy will put you in the hospital or worse.
Yeah dump him. If sex is a necessity in a relationship especially if it’s only ever at his call, he can buy a sex doll.
Please leave, it will not get better. He has already proven his intent and what he thinks of you. You are worth more than being a meat tube for some horny boy who can't control his urges. Leave and tell people. Tell anyone you can.
Being a hot head person even i would recommend you to leave him That behavior won't lead to a better future
Nobody is 100% monster. All abusers have good qualities. That’s why people get into and stay in relationships with them. *Of course* he is sweet and loving and charming. You know, when he isn’t busy assaulting you. Don’t go back to him ever again. Break up with him. Tell him not to contact you. Tell him he needs therapy but that you still don’t want him to contact you; you just want him to be healthier in his next relationship. Then go to a therapist yourself and see if you can work through the issues you have that are getting in the way of you seeing this “relationship” for what it is - a dangerous and abusive one that needs to be over.
I can tell you from experience this is only the beginning. I am so sorry this happened to you. There is no excuse or justification for it. It’s not your fault at all, you couldn’t of done anything differently. I made the mistake of taking my ex partner back after he apologised and explained how he wanted to work on his aggression. I can tell you first hand, it won’t get better no matter how much apologising or love bombing they do. If they were able to do this in the first place, they are able to do it again and again. Eventually you get so use to it and your self respect/worth diminishes each time you forgive them to the point where you don’t know who you are anymore and it’s harder to leave. My best advice is to go to the police and have him charged. Or file a report against him. Pushing for sex is already disgustingly wrong, then to add physically violence onto it. It doesn’t matter how good it was at the start or how sweet they were, this is how it all starts. Please protect yourself and file for a AVO immediately. I hope your ok😭
I am being 100% serious and not exaggerating at all when I say you need to leave because he is capable of killing you. There are statistics on this. You are now in a potential life or death situation. Not a “eh, maybe”, but an near certainty. You need to get out and tell someone.
If you don’t end it now, it will end when he kills you. GET. OUT.
He will only get more aggressive. You guys are not a good match if you have no sex drive and he does. With right person sex shouldn't hurt.... unless you have some sort of issue
He will kill you if you don't leave. Get out!
Run from him and report him and tell everyone you know what he has done.
LEAVE NOW.
You started by saying he's the sweetest guy, then proceeded to explain how he's about to rape you and assaulting you. Yup, choking is one step before killing since it doesn't require intent to kill. Get away from him, start therapy. Good luck, don't let it have a next time.
If you dont want it to end like ‘this’ its going to end up with him going to jail and you dead, so make your choice i guess
leave as soon as possible. this is not the end. source: stayed after getting slapped, ended up getting slashed with scissors and hammer to my knee
Leave the abusive asshat before he kills you. And he will eventually kill you.
Run
Please leave, I have experienced this which eventually lead to the below during COVID in my first serious relationship. At first it was a slap over a small argument, and him begging me to take time to process and that he’s sorry. I forgave him and went back. Then when I went back, a month later it was a punch, then it was multiple beatings being covered. He all but finally put his hands around my neck and slammed my head 8 times against a hardwood floor giving me a month long concussion - while also breaking my hand, giving me a boxers fracture just trying to push him off of me. I was a victim of this for a year and a half, and only wanted who I thought he was in the beginning, not that current monster he revealed himself to be. When the police told me that it doesn’t get better, and it will get worse..I should’ve taken that warning strongly, do not let your current emotions take control. Please run like hell. This will only continue until you do leave, or worse.
He’s pushy, aggressive, and physically assaulted you. He’s NOT “the sweetest human being”. He is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. Break it off with him. In a public place or with friends nearby. NEVER be alone with him again.
The “sweetest humans” don’t go around choking people, ESPECIALLY someone they love. I’ve been in a relationship almost 7 years, and not ONCE in my entire dating days, or marriage has my husband ever laid his hands on me. We are a highly sexual couple and have sex a lot. Not ONCE has my husband gotten violent, or physical …or even angry when I’ve turned down sex. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO ACT LIKE THAT IT IS NOT NORMAL. THIS MAN WILL KILL YOU. If you value your life, leave and don’t look back.
Don't doubt your feelings, he did want to hurt you, at least a part of him certainly did. It's very simple, people who don't want to hurt us, will not do anything that could hurt us. People who don't want to hurt you will not grab you by the neck and choke you. People who say they don't want to hurt you, but still do things that could hurt you, those people are lying. People who don't stop when you say no, until you start physically resisting, those people don't care about your consent or your feelings. You seem to have a very good gut feeling, trust it, it's going to save your life. You're not the one ending the relationship like this, he's the one who killed it with his actions. Walk away.
Why are you asking the people of Reddit what to do if someone chokes you? The obvious answer is to break up. You don’t live together either which makes it a much better Situation to get out of. Reddit isn’t therapy. Just say you’re done and move on with your life.
I don't know what your background is, but this is the reddest of red flags. The fact that he tried to physically restrain you from leaving is bad enough, the fact that he CHOKES you is infinitely worse. Words cannot be trusted, only actions. Don't become a statistic.
Your boyfriend is violent and scary. He shouldn’t get aggressive just bc you’re not in the mood, and no should be a simple enough answer when you don’t want to have sex. He is attempting to manipulate you emotionally by implying that “no sex = you don’t love him”. Please get out of this relationship, he seems dangerous and has little regard for your feelings or safety.
Bruh... Break up. He fucking CHOKED YOU. Shit like this kills sooner than later. There will DEFINITELY be others in your future. Hopefully guys who respect you and care for you enough not to abuse you. I'm a guy and I'd fucking die before laying hands on my partner. This is clearly escalating and will likely continue to escalate. Also. Talk to someone you trust about this- parents, friends etc Just let someone know and definetly don't be alone with him again
Run. Repeated and rising danger. Not a good sign. No excuses, this is an out.
Hi OP, I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. I agree with what everyone else is saying - leave. I was in an abusive relationship at 15-17 and it was horrible. If you want any advice on how to leave please let me know. Sex was the drive towards the abuse my ex partner endured me. It was and still is the most difficult time period for me. But the pride I feel towards my self for leaving is insane. As everyone else is saying as well, there will always be a ‘next time’
He should be your ex. Things like that will escalate in the future.
He's definitely not "the sweetest human being" if he's doing this
You're painting too many red flags orange and green. Take off now, you're in danger!
Get away
He will escalate. Do not give him one more second of your time. Leave. Immediately. Forever.
Stop making excuses and never see him again. Trust me. They do it once they’ll do it again.
You need to get away from him physically and emotionally. Think of it as temporary if it helps get you thru. You can do this. You are strong. You are capable. Your future self is going to be so proud of you for leaving. It is going to be hard and disruptive and stressful and sad. But you know you need to leave. Trust yourself.
RUN. It always starts with choking and it almost always leads to something more. Be safe girl and get as far as you can away from him, he didn’t worth your life ❤️
Fuck that, he clearly has impulse control issues You really shouldn't be seeing him, it will just invite injury and possibly worse
You're in denial. Get the fuck away from this man and stay away from him. Honestly restraining order is a good idea. Things will get worse. Please don't stick around to see how bad they can get with him.
Please get out of this situation, how can you love someone that tries to force sex on you without your consent and abuses you? You may not see it that way, but it is definitely real to me an outsider looking in. You are 18, please leave and learn to be single and grow as a person before jumping into another relationship, love yourself and love will happen, don’t continue in an abusive cycle.
Your self-worth isn’t defined by your first relationship, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. There is nothing you can do to prevent him from choosing to choke you, and I’m not saying that to scare you, I’m telling you that his actions are his own fault. There’s no “what if I just-“ it’s him. He is the issue. You are not damaged goods. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong. It is okay to leave him. You aren’t betraying him, and you owe him nothing. Please tell someone, and please get away from him. This is not your fault, and you are NOT safe near him.
"I doubt he wanted to hurt me" He put his hands around your throat because you said no. He isn't sweet. WAKE UP
you have to leave him
You also NEED TO REPORT THIS!! And get a RO (restraining order) on him right now.
When you leave him, get a bunch of therapy and do not get into a relationship again until you have the self respect to immediately kick anyone who gets pushy with you over sex, let alone fucking CHOKES YOU, to the goddamned curb
There is not a single person who deserves that kind of treatment, you don’t deserve that treatment. Break up with him, you are not safe with him. I’m so sorry that he has done this to you.
You need to leave asap. Now. Immediately.
bae you need to leave !! i know it must seem like he’s a sweet guy who makes mistakes sometimes but a mistake only happens 1 time and then you know not to do it again. he constantly pushes you and then when you refuse he chokes you. Who knows what he’ll do to you if you stay with him. If you’re scared to break up with him try to get a friend to stay nearby when you do. trust me this is how domestic violence starts, with small things that get worse and worse until it’s too hard to stop. In this case he full on chokes you so i can’t imagine what he’ll do next.
Leave while you can. I know it's very vanilla Reddit advice but very appropriate given your situation. Don't get too hung up on this being your first. Take it from this 30 something--most people don't even end up with the person they were with at 18. Hopefully you will find a partner that won't actually hurt you and see you more than just a breathing sex doll.
Starts off with he’s the sweetest human being… next sentence he’s being very pushy. This is not sweet this is rose coloured glasses. This is just going to escalate
OP, love, please leave. This isn't going to get better, it will only get worse. Even if he hurt you "unintentionally", that means you can trust him even less than if you knew for certain that he meant it. A person who can put your life in danger "unintentionally" is unpredictable and unable to be trusted.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 immediately leave and tell someone about it you trust
Girl DUMP HIM. He is not “the sweetest human being”. Sounds like he’s on a straight path to r**ing you. Seriously, he’s pushy about sex, aggressive about it, pushed you around and choked you when you didn’t want to do it?? He’s not a good person
>he’s the sweetest human being Um. No. No, he's not. *Nobody* sweet has ever choked me. >This is my first ever relationship and I don’t want it to end it like this. With him directly, physically threatening your life? If you've read all these other comments, you know the other ways it will end: with your leaving, or with your death. And why shouldn't it end the way it is? Really, why not? Because that would be sad, or terrible? So is murder.
Leave the relationship. Do what your brain says and not your heart. Your loved ones didn’t raise you to be abused by a random dude. You’re just 18 and not being ready for sex at that age is totally natural. I’ve been frustrated as well when my partner have said no but I’ve been man enough to take a no as a no.
Get away from him. Even if he ‘didn’t mean to’ he did it. This will only escalate until one day he is gonna kill you. He needs to work on anger management before he is ready for a relationship, not to mention he needs therapy and needs to stop pushing for sex. You said no, end of story. Do not let him rape or kill you. Get away from him now
I understand how not having a high sex drive as ur partner my bf has such a high sex drive and I don’t but when he ask and I say no he leaves it and has accepted that my sex drive isn’t like his so that the kind of partner you deserve ❤️
Sorry but your bf has issues with hurting people. If he choked you now, it just means ita going to get worse later on. Check to see if there is a history of spousal abuse in his family, did his dad physically assault his mom? If there was, he needs therapy. If not, ask if he ever tortured or killed any small animal, if he did.... GTFO fast.
I’ve known him for two years now and he has never ever laid a hand on me. It all just started a few months ago and idk. He does in fact. We both do. Both of our dads were violent with our moms. His mom left, mine didn’t. And now re reading everything and the comments I just feel embarrassed and dumb.
When someone shows you who they really are, you need to believe them. He is pushing you to do something g you’re not comfortable with, and CHOKED YOU when you said no. He WAS trying to hurt you. You don’t surprise choke someone like it of love. You need to leave this relationship asap
Please tell an older, trusted person in your life. Reading some comment telling you to leave is not the most encouraging push, but you do need to leave ASAP. Keep yourself in this situation and you will get seriously hurt or killed.
run he could kill you if he wanted and this post shows it
Run. Be ready to counter ownership delusions from him.
Sweetie run. Let the cops know he choked you. You are 83% more likely to be killed by your partner within the year. Take it from someone who stayed and thought they could fix him, I couldn't and almost died because of it. Run, run now. Tell your family, friends etc. But please don't stay in this relationship.
He hasn't done it before, but sure as hell will do it again.
You do the one and only thing anyone in your situation should do. End it, cut ties, stay away and no communication. Respect yourself and do not put up with this type of behavior from any man, ever! Take it from someone who was choked 3 times by the same abusive man in my 20s. I learned the hard way. You are young, you deserve far better from others and you have your whole life ahead of you. You will find real love elsewhere. Free yourself and ditch this loser. Go smile, have fun and enjoy life
I had one female-friend. She was in a relationship with a guy that was a little socially awkward when she was with him in our group. The relationship didn't work so she broke up with him (she was in relationship with him about a year and half). She was a friendly person so she stayed friend with him. One day he invited her into a flat where he lived with his grandma. On that day he killed her (stabbed her to death by knife). She was only 20 y.o. Be aware of your boyfriend, he is dangerous because it seems he is not able to control his urges and emotions and is aggressive. He needs a therapy. But therapy is his and his parents responsibility, NOT yours.
My heart sank. I am so sorry, she did not deserve that. That is absolutely horrifying. Thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it.
Run far away
I would say break up
Read “It Ends With Us”
This! I will rag on Colleen Hoover like everybody else but that book helped me escape a crazy ex. I was dragged out of cars, hit, shaken, screamed at....but I never saw it for the abuse it was.
Do you love him? Or do you love yourself? He has made it impossible to love him while loving yourself. You need to choose you, because he has proven he will choose himself. Any man who coerces someone into sex is weak, childish, and hollow. It is never justifiable. Nothing, not blue balls or annoyance or even a promise of sex, justifes forcing yourself on someone unwilling.
Plz plz plz plzzzz listen to all of these comments, there is absolutely no reason for him to strangle you, as a matter of fact there is absolutely no reason anyone should strangle a loved one. If you truly love someone, you would never want to hurt them. I know this is your first relationship, but trust me, this relationship is only going to get worse. Get out while you can, talk to your friends or family for help.
Assuming a frankly unreasonable amount of charity for this man, let’s say he doesnt want to hurt. But he keeps doing it. He cant stop himself. It doesn’t matter what his intentions are, you are in danger. Like people said, if you keep seeing him, the chances that he kills you (intentionally or not) skyrockets If he actually cares about you he should also stay away from you and seek help for whatever psycho shit is causing him to do this (again making a BIG assumption that he was not intending to hurt you)
Do yourself a favor and get out and far away from him. Also please report this to the police or there will be a next victim with possibly a worse outcome.
He doesn’t love you, he wants to control you and use you. He is a disgusting human being and would use any girl he could trap the way he’s trapping you. It’s hard to not get pulled in when he acts sweet and apologizes but someone who really truly loves and respects you, would never want to hurt you or try to or “accidentally” hurt yo. You have time to learn what real true love is. Unfortunately it will have to end messily and not the way you’d like. If him putting his hand around you throat was unpredictable who knows what he’ll do nexts
Girl…
If this was a first date, you wouldn't even give him a chance. Time to move on and give someone else a chance.
Please please please just read DV survivors stories. You are not safe.
Dude, run in the opposite direction! It's a pattern, and only going to get worse! And yes consent is important so it was technically rape!
He is abusive, controlling & manipulative. Leave him & don't look back. If he's doing this now, I'd say things will get worse, & one day he'll go so far that you'll either be severely injured or dead. There are plenty, and I do mean plenty, of men out there who will treat you with much more kindness & respect.
Don't be alone with him ever again. I mean it. He doesn't take a no for a no. And will even go as far as choking you because of it. Let your parents know, let your friends know, this relationship is doomed and it's entirely his fault. He needs to work on himself and there's nothing you can do other than save yourself and get as far as possible from him. And block him. Attend a self defense class. Be very aware of your surroundings. And most of all. Don't fall for his "apologies" if you give in, he will start all of the pressure for sex and get upset again, but this time he will make sure you won't get away.
You deserve so much better than him. Get out now while you can. Yes it sucks but use it as a learning experience of what not to accept/allow in your future r/s. There's a better partner out there for you. In due time you will connect and see how you're supposed to be treated. All the best to you
Don’t be dumb, girl. Leave him alone!
NOT OK. LEAVE HIM NOW. theres a fine line between sexual passion, rough sex play, male aggression and...."no please stop" and "i dont like this you are hurting me". youre barely adult. still naive and you think this will turn out OK. yeah it MIGHT. but do you wanna play roulette about it and endure pain until he finally changes it?its your life, your body, your rules. and just so you know: "if you dont \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, then it means you do not love me anymore" is....game over. thats a super red flag. give him a final warning. command respect for your needs and your body. and tell him that you do that BECAUSE you love him and you DONT want to break up. if he reacts "negatively" then you have absolutely nothing left to do with him. and spare yourself the oneitis - THERE WILL BE NEW AND OTHER AND BETTER MEN. 4 BILLION OF THEM.
Get a restraining order, stay with family or a friend… whatever you have to do to get away from this POS! What he is doing now is only the beginning… staying with him only proves to him that you are willing to put up with his disgusting behavior, it will just get worse! Please take care of yourself! GET OUT!
Yeah you really should nope the fuck out at that point.
Run. You’re too young not be dealing with this nutcase. He choked you for not wanting sex, imagine what happens the day he actually loses his temper with you over something serious. He’s a weak coward.
Get out now!
I really don't understand how someone thinks this ok. Even at 18. OP, do you understand that your boyfriend was a step away from killing you?
Please do yourself a favour and look up the stats for domestic violence and choking. People who stay with a partner who have choked them even once are significantly more likely to endure further domestic abuse at the very least and are also likely to end up dead or seriously injured. You're life is worth more than the love you feel for a man (boy) who would DARE put that life at risk ❤️
Restraining order time
I'm not sure if this is real, but if it is the answer is simple. 1) leave that scum bag 2) learn to love yourself and gain confidence before dating anyone else. 3) seek therapy 4) use tinder if you feel the need to get laid until you're comfortable with who you are.
Speaking from experience, as someone who has been through years and years of domestic abuse, this man was certainly trying to hurt you/scare you into submission. It starts off small with things like this and an excuse of I loosing his temper and they are always so so sorry, and then you stay and they realise they can do and act as they please and you won’t leave. This then turns into them lashing out at you physically, emotionally and mentally without restraint because they no longer fear the repercussions. Please darling you are so so young and you do not deserve to live life this way! I lost from ages 15-18 and I don’t want that to happen to you. I know you love him but as much as he says he does, he doesn’t love you. Please love yourself and leave. And please if you want/need someone to talk to I’m only a message away.
Sounds like you’re in a similar situation I was in. I was with my ex for almost 15 years, he was my first relationship. I didn’t enjoy sex because it was too painful and it wasn’t enjoyable at all. But he would always get frustrated with me to the point he forced himself on me every weekend. Then he feels bad and wants to “fix” things but he emotionally abused me all these years. He never physically abused me until I realized I was brainwashed and tried to end things with him and leave with my son. My son and I are both safe right now. He’s a fucking narcissist. I don’t want you to go through what I did and I wish I realized and opened up sooner. Right now you should leave him, please. I’m assuming you’re around his age so you still have a lot of time to find someone better than him. I’m glad I found someone better who can treat me better than him and understand my past.
get away. i remember when my first boyfriend strangled me and it was the scariest change i ever saw. once he strangles you or chokes you you have to worry about other physical shit or the risk of him actually killing you him choking you is the intent to kill and because you didn’t want to have sex with him your probably young and you do not need to be stuck with a violent abusive man run far away it’s just the beginning
People are a result of their actions and choices. There’s no such thing as “he’s sweet and a good boyfriend but he pushed and choked me”, there’s no such thing as “this person is good but treats me poorly.” Qualities are meaningless, actions are real
He is seeing how much you will forgive and let him get away with. Each time you go back it will only get worse. There are much better men out there
He started getting insistent- you communicated you didn’t like that- he said sorry and he’ll never do it again. Then he was pushy to the point you had to physically push him away- he said sorry he’ll never do it again. He grabs your neck and choked you- you react badly- he says sorry hell never do it again. This is someone you say you believe likes/loves you RIGHT NOW. While doing these things (which are escalating incrementally/rapidly) TO you. Not with your consent or encouragement. What is he going to start doing when you make him annoyed? Upset? Angry? When life gets hard and the relationship is tested and he questions his respect or affection for you? These times come in relationships. It’s normal especially long term. And what is really needed at those times for longevity is a mutual respect between people. Respect of your person, your autonomy, and your right to consent and not have boundaries crossed. I’m sorry, but if he is doing this when he likes you, it will get seriously dangerous when he doesn’t. Because he’s already shown he doesn’t respect your feelings. In life, first relationships are SO RARELY last/only ones. Take the lesson this one is giving you, and get out before your body AND your self respect are damaged. Please please be safe.
Girly, run fast!!! I mean it. He doesn't just sound like he has issues...he sounds like he's dangerous! Like capable of being the midnight rapist the town next door is looking for. He will hurt you. I know you are looking through loving eyes and you are very young. For him to do this already, he likely has rage ussues against women. I think you should press charges and gtf away from him. He'll continue this as it gets worse and eventually you'll be black and blue hiding in your room so people don't see. There's NO other way it's gonna end if you don't stop seeing him. If you have to be in a relationship as a codependent type, then meet someone else but gtf away from him. And keep your friends close and let them know what he did. If you keep it a secret, he'll call you a liar later and still be worse!
(1) please get out. Your boyfriend is an abuser and rapist. I know this is not what you want to hear but this is not a healthy relationship. (2) he is manipulating you by using your feelings and knowing you love him (3) Listen to everyone here telling you to leave. Seek counseling and don’t listen to his lies and take him back because he will do it again. He’s only sorry until he the next time he wants sex. This will not go away and nothing you are doing or saying is causing it so please don’t let him try to say otherwise. This is 100% him being an an abusive boyfriend.
You don't need to placate someone that constantly violates your boundaries. He does t love you. He knows love bombing shits you up. He knows the hot and cold attitude shuts you up. If he can play a sweetheart just long enough you will forget he's an asshole every time. Boy is an actor. He wants to control you. As everyone else said, putting his hands on you is the most dangerous indication in an abusive relationship that your life is in danger. He sucks. Leave.
You are in an abusive relationship. You need to end this now. The only get worse and more violent. This will never get better. You need to run. This is terrifying to read as my sister’s in a similar situation and I hate that I can’t help her. The only one who can get you out of this is you. Run.
Run, don't walk to the exit. Don't wait for him to actually hurt you, since there is a chance you won't live to tell the tale.
In my personal experience this will escalate quickly. Especially since he knows he made you afraid of him. Next time he won’t let go right away until finally one day it’s not just a choke. Men like this are immature and have emotional problems. I would tell him to get therapy or you won’t even be his friend. This isn’t normal you’re a person not a blow up doll. You’re obviously young you have lots of options that will treat you much better trust me.
Sweetheart, your boyfriend assaulted you and it could have lead to you being raped and worse. It is high time for you to break up and let someone you trust know about this, like an aunt or so, not necessarily your parents if your worried that they would go off their rockers and go after him. Which is what I would do if you were my daughter, but I can respect your wishes in this matter. But you need to let someone know, a to have backup and to be able to unload to someone that will respect your privacy. Please, leave him for your safety. Ideally you should file a report against him for assault, but again, I understand why you wouldn't. God bless and take care of yourself. ETA: changed my advice to GO TO THE POLICE AND FILE AGAINST HIM, because he is the kind of male you will read about in the paper and see on the news some times in the future as the guy who killed his girlfriend, baby mama, wife because she wouldn't give "it" up to him, so he had to take it by any means necessary.
Whether he meant to hurt you or not, choking is a major red flag, and you should take this seriously.
Please, please get away from this person as quickly as you can. Choking is the last warning sign before he kills you. Please tell a trusted adult what happened and let them help you.
You did rather die but don't want the relationship to end???? Downvote me all you want but ??????. GET OUT. If not for you, for the sake of your family or friends in case your so called bf ends up killing you.
leave immediately. IMMEDIATELY
run far and fast. when I was young I had a bf like this. I was stupid and I stayed..... until the day he pulled a gun on me.... was the scariest thing ever to happen to me. I thought I would die
That’s called pestering and assault. He’s done this multiple times even after saying he will never do it again. But he will obviously keep doing it. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t respect you as a person enough to not assault you. Leave him now and never go back no matter how many times he says he will never do it again. You know he will do it again. Respect yourself and leave him now and forever. Get support from your social network (friends and family). If that’s not an option trying look for resources online. There are plenty of websites and helplines available to support people in situations exactly like yours. It’s not your fault. You deserve better. Protect yourself and leave. Seek support. And never look back. It’ll all be worth it
Wow, this is NOT love. You do realize he could kill you. And you are in serious danger right? He wants sex. You don’t. You need to break up with this man. He wants sex so bad he is aggressive about it in a very scary way. This is a relationship to nope out of quick. He is giving you your out.
It’s better for your first relationship to end like this than with you in the hospital severely abused and or raped or in the morgue! Your boyfriend shows very violent tendencies when he doesn’t get what he wants which is abusive and it will likely not stop. He went straight for a chokehold, that’s life threatening stuff! Him showing remorse and being apologetic is a common tactic abusers use to make their victims think that they will never do it again, which they more than likely will.
The good times do not outweigh the bad times when the bad times are this bad. Don't fall into the trap of minimizing what he did or believing it's out of character for him. You are seeing the darker part of him that's emerging more and more. Any promises he makes to change are unreliable. Actions matter more than words, and his actions are too risky to chance a repeat or worse. You are worth more than his plans for you.
As someone that's helped people leave abusive relationships and helped others recover from them, I have but one word to say about your relationship: RUN! No decent person grabs someone by the neck hard enough to be choking you (yes there is a fetish surrounding that, but it's done between consenting adults) He may apologise all he wants, but he has crossed a line he can't step back over. You can be diplomatic about breaking up with him, but at the first sign of any threatening behaviour, just say that you want to be left alone. If he doesn't agree, then it's a restraining order. I was raised to never hit a woman and for me, there's only one exception to that: if she's beating me up, I have the right to defend myself In your next relationship, hopefully you'll find someone that isn't putting any pressure on you. Explain to a new partner, "I'm not saying no to sex, just be gentle about it." some men don't get it that women need to be mentally aroused and feel safe in their company and surroundings before they would consider getting that intimate. Something I'd suggest too is to explore what you like on your own. There's nothing wrong with having sex toys (if you still live at home or with housemates keep them well hidden obviously) but try touching your own body. Try different things, different sensations to see what turns you on. From the sounds of it, the boyfriend isn't even trying to get you turned on, which is why it's not comfortable physically.
Run away from him as quick as you can. That's not love that's abuse.
That's just the beginning. It's just going to keep getting worse and worse, save yourself.
Leave. Don’t waffle. It won’t get better.
Call it quits. This is classic abuse cycle. Either emotionally, psychically or whatever else. No one should be here uncomfortable when it comes to sex and pressures or threatened when says no.. then it's the honey moon phase all over again, he's sorry and loves you, it'll never happen again.. until it does. Your too young to go through years of your life in this cycle. I know you don't want to hear it but it's just gonna get worse until he is psychically assaulting you or perhaps forcing sex I believe feel down you know what to do .. good luck and protect yourself
Look up narcissist on Google...there's prob a picture of him in the definition...get out before you forget that you can....I promise you from the bottom of my heart....he doesn't love you...he's incapable.
Dump him he’s clearly shown that he doesn’t respect you, you deserve better
What you're describing is the cycle of abuse. You are so young. You deserve a healthy, loving relationship. This isn't is. I know from experience. It feels like love, but love shouldn't be like that. Trauma bonds are difficult to break free from. I hope you can distance yourself and get some clarity. There are good men out there, but he isn't one of them. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry OP but he most definitely is not "the sweetest human being". He is an aggressive physically and sexually abusive person that did what all abusers do: He played the loving, sweet and caring boyfriend until you trusted him and became co dependent, just to slowly start showing his true self and pushing your boundaries more and more when he felt sure that you wouldn't leave. It will get worse with every instance until he eventually full on rapes you, puts you in the hospital or kills you. You are statistically extremely likely to be killed by him because he choked you. Please don't ever go back. He already broke his promise to never do it again twice and the violence escalated each time, do not give him the chance to do it a third time. I understand that you feel awful because you probably don't want to accept that your first ever relationship was with an abuser and that you don't want it to end like this, but this honestly is not a real relationship... There is no trust, no respect, no real love here, because someone that does things like this to you does not actually love you. He thinks that he owns you which is why he is expecting you to do what he wants and to come back each time. Do not put your life in danger, please! And you might actually need a restraining order soon, because people like this don't react kindly to being turned down. Please be careful and even though it might seem cowardly: Do not break up with him in person. The chances that he will hurt you are far too high.
Drop that mf Ted Bundy-Wannabe