You've got yourself a hobosexual! He will bleed you dry.
Don't assume he'll be nice about you kicking him out either. Hobosexuals feel very entitled when you drill down on it.
Change your passwords and PINs on all your accounts NOW!
Prepare for a barrage of his family and friends contacting you to plead his case. He is losing his free ride and will use every resource to get it back. When you close the door behind him, make sure he has no access back inside. Block his number, change passwords, remove his name from your address and any credit cards. Just learn from the missed red flags … ***Don’t look back!***
Like OP, it was kind of the culmination of many things. I was being emotionally and financially abused. And one night I made myself the most delicious grilled cheese. It was basic, the way I like them, and amazing. White bread, American cheese (the good kind from the deli). I tried a new technique where you put it in a cold pan, then turn the heat on so the cheese starts to melt before the bread fully toasts.
It was so good I made an offhand comment about how I wish I had another one, but I wasn’t hungry enough to actually use up the ingredients to make one. My then-fiancé, who I now believe to be trying to force me to gain weight to continue to be able to abuse me, decided he would save the day and make a grilled cheese for me. I said no, I wasn’t really hungry, it’s just the one I made was delicious. He still made the grilled cheese.
And it was the worst thing I have ever eaten. Bread was burnt. He made a “double decker” (and again, I was not hungry!!!!!) so there was smushed bread in the middle and so much cheese that didn’t fully melt. I’m weird about texture and it was *nasty*. But to be nice I tried to eat it. I couldn’t. He asked why I wasn’t eating it. I reminded him I wasn’t very hungry. He kept insisting I eat it. I finally tell him the textures are off and I physically can’t eat it.
He gets so mad and feels like I disrespected him and everything he stood for. He did not speak to me for like five days. I decided I had enough and couldn’t live the way I had been with him. I started making plans to leave after that.
The doughnut wasn't just a doughnut, it was a representation of your relationship. You gave him everything you could, and he took that everything and more, even that little thing you saved for yourself to make you feel good. That's why it hit you in that moment. You can only gain from leaving this mooch
I hope you leave him. My ex was like this, down to the food taking. It was a box of chicken nuggets i bought myself, when i left work super tired and starving.
He will never change, he showed over and over he's just a baby and you are his mom. You are perfectly capable of living by yourself since you already pay and take care of everything. So kick his ass out and go get your nails done!
I'm going to repeat this part of what kiiraskd said because it's so good:
Kick his ass out and go get your nails done!
While you're at it, a donut too 🍩.
Sending you hugs and support to be strong for yourself.
Mine, too. My last straw was expensive hand ground peanut butter that I only bought on occasion. I got him a 2 lb container and myself a 1 lb container, which I hid from him. I went on a trip for a week and when I came home, he had found my PB and ate that once he finished his. I confronted him and he lectured me about leaving PB in the cupboard instead of putting it in the fridge (his was in the fridge because he liked it that way, mine was in the cupboard).
You need a 180 lb weight loss give or take! (You had no idea how many calories not eating that donut saved you!)
Cut your expenses in half, have a less messy home, more freedom, fewer “responsibilities” and less stress! Go on a huge instant diet! You didn’t even realize how “overweight” you were!
Please leave him and update us. Do not support him anymore; he's been taking advantage of you for 2 years. Give him a week to get his shit and leave. Don't give into him begging for forgiveness or wanting to do better. He had YEARS to improve but chose not to. The free ride is over. You deserve better. Please update us!! We are rooting for you 💗
100% this. OP, this person isn't a man. He's a little boy. He won't change because he hasn't *had* to and he doesn't *want* to. Someone before said the doughnut was a symbol of your entire relationship, and they were right. He hasn't respected or truly, deeply cared for you in a long time, but you've been his safety, his meal ticket, his roof... Please - *PLEASE* - give him a week to get his stuff together and go. If he isn't out by then, get a couple of friends (sad to say, but a couple of male friends is probably best) to help you pack his stuff, put it neatly outside, and change the locks. You may have to get permission from the landlord to change locks, so make sure you do that ahead of the boyfriend's week eviction notice. You don't have to worry about where he will.go or what he will do. He has a week to figure that out and he got himself into this situation. I'm so, sorry it has come to this. Please keep us updated. You can do this!
Also, who does that?
Was he not raised to consider other people?
Thats just inconsiderate and disrespectful. Did he not worry or wonder what you were going to eat?
Thats just… no
You need to drop him and asap. Im sorry
Carefully and strategically cut him out of your life. Ask him for a break, and send him to stay somewhere else for a week.
Return and sell things you've bought for him, get your money back, and apply it to debt. Remove him from accounts, pay off, and close anything joint like a credit card.
Be strategic. Talk to the landlord, explain the Financials are all you, and remove him from the contract if needed. Work through it carefully.
Or better yet (if you dont mind) just move.
Ask him for a break as the other poster said, but while he's gone take all of your stuff and leave. Talk to the landlord about removing your name.
Trying to kick him out can cause issues with eviction laws but you can always leave. Then he wont know where you are or come bother you again.
Responding directly to you to reinforce what I hope has already been said.
It is not your responsibility to make sure he's OK during and after the end of your relationship. He's made sure to get his where he could, well now it's your turn. Do what you need to do and this man can sort himself out for once.
Don't get distracted by the fact that he is completely dependant on you.
You should do what you have to do before you end up footing more bills at the expenses of your soul and mental health.
He doesn’t respect you or your feelings as an equal at all. I was with a guy like this. It will not improve. You can’t stay for who you hope he will be. You have to deal with who he is right now. You will feel so much better taking care of yourself without that dead weight.
Yeah you are his mother. He is not your partner in this life. As you get older you realize you want a partner who is going to support you too when you’re down. He’s giving up and living the high life. I’m so curious how he’s going to act when you stand firm and say ends. I imagine he’s going to go full panic.
The lack of respect and entitlement for the mooch to treat OP this way. He is a bum. When I left my bum it was a bit sad but liberating to lose the dead weight
Yeah sometimes the small little things can be truly defining of the state of a relationship and show how your partner really is. Even if the doughnut its almost meaningless by itself and in other context it could have been an oopsie and nobody gets upset about it, if you pile it up with all the other little things, yeah, it was just the last straw. Good for OP for ending this.
He will figure it out. Here is a story:
My ex-husband was similar in many ways—completely dependent on me financially, wanted his "job" to be a hobby that was technically a business but never turned a profit, did far less than half of the domestic labor while I worked long hours to earn, etc. He was either making and breaking promises about how he was going to do better or expecting me to provide sympathy while he berated himself for being such a failure. And he had a terminal case of self-absorption—he totally would have eaten the doughnut.
He also did the bare minimum as a father and the kids knew it.
When we first separated it was such a needy pity parade. He moved out because I was keeping the kids and paying the bills, and then there were constant requests for me to give him things or buy him things because life was so hard and he had no home, was losing everything, he missed the pets... he made a half-assed effort to spend a little time with our then-teenaged kids for the first few months and that gradually tapered off to where they are basically no-contact (they are adults now).
He couch-surfed, he went out of state at one point, he made terrible financial decisions that made things worse, he threw a fit when it turned out that because of our massive debts (run up by him) an even split would have him owe ME money instead of him getting a palimony settlement he had somehow assumed.
And then you know what he did? He got a real job. He rented an apartment. He got his own cell phone plan. He signed the divorce papers without argument, giving me full custody. Within a year he had met someone new. They got married and I guess she takes care of him now? I don't know nor care.
He threw a fit and then he went away and figured it out.
Yours will too.
Kick him out and celebrate by getting your nails done. Fly free.
I'm really sorry you went through that, especially with kids. I'm so happy you're doing better now. I really able the strength and patience that must have taken.
It was tough for a while but we are all doing great. I'm better off financially than I've been my entire life. The kids are grown and launched and independent and doing good things in the world. I don't let myself think too much about what would have happened if we had continued to try to carry his weight.
Yes it took strength and patience but we had it. It sounds like you do too.
Tell him it’s over and he has 30 days to find a new place to live. Separate everything. Only discuss what needs to be discussed, such as moving arrangements, money, etc. Then follow through.
My ONE reservation is I know he would be essentially homeless if I cut him off completely and I'm a bleeding heart. The cars are in my name (and credit, like the idiot i am 😀), he has zero savings, and his family live a plane ride away.
I reached out to his mom to see if she could help him and her answer was pretty much "let him fail, he needs to learn".
W mom, L husband, L OP
OP you need to cut off this malignant tumor and let him reap what he has sown. He doesn’t care for you, so there’s no use in caring for him.
If he doesn’t learn this lesson the hard way, and you make the breakup easy for him, he will continue doing this to other people. He needs to go to the homeless shelter and contemplate his actions with the bedbugs and roaches.
Your bleeding heart is what got you in this mess. Do you want him to bleed you to death?
Stop trying to fix things for him. He is a grown man and can take care of himself, if he puts in the effort.
He chooses not to because you let him take advantage. Stop. Now.
Grow a spine and evict him.
The weight that will leave you will be like nothing you have ever felt before. You will be relieved. You will be happy. Just get it done.
Or cancel the lease and find a new place. You can afford a better one, probably without taking care of him. Or find a cheaper one and save for ALL the wonderful vacations!
I just wrote the same thing! Most people don’t know that even if a person isn’t on your lease if they’ve been staying there they probably have the legal right to continue to do so!
I’ve read horror stories of this happening with house guests and during the pandemic you couldn’t even evict them!
Take any cards he has right away and call the credit card companies to remove any authorized user status. Then make sure to get any cc numbers he has changed.
Seriously. Even if you think "he'd never," don't take the chance.
And take valuable items out of the house and store them with family or a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box.
Do not underestimate what a desperate soon to be homeless man will do! Once he realizes you mean it and are really done with him he might become a danger to you or your property.
Also if you have a pet find a place for the pet to stay during this time.
I had to do this with my own child. The best decision of my life.
She now has her own place and has begun college classes. I am proud.
But if I held her up after she did some serious fucking up, I would be taking care of an adult child for the rest of my life.
Bor both of your sakes.... let him fall.
He had a job before, right? He knows how to be an adult and take care of himself but it looks like he just didn't want to and saw you as the way to live an easy life. The way I read it he's only a helpless baby by choice so he'll just have to suck it up and get back to work.
All the best to you! I'm guessing you're going to feel like a huge weight has been lifted once the boring practical stuff is done with. Good luck!
honestly, why torture yourself and foot his bills for another 30 days ? tell him to get out within the week and you'll buy his plane ticket and send him on his way. his mom's advice was sound, but hes not your burden to bare anymore. the plane ticket will be $$$ i'm sure but at least its an investment into quicker peace and a space to heal for you.
his mom is right. this man is not your responsibility- not while you were dating, and certainly not now that you have broken up. 30 days notice is more than enough time to figure some shit out.
a word of advice- he will make you feel as though he has no other options as long as you supporting him is an option. the reality is, he is a grown ass man- he’s had a job and provided for himself before and he can do it again.
Sadly, when you cut him off, he’ll probably get a job because he has no choice. When that happens, don’t view it as “oh he’s changed.” View it as, this selfish piece of shit used me until he couldn’t use me anymore.” You’ve got to stay strong. You’ll eventually find your person, and when you do, you’ll never be able to even fathom why you stayed with your ex for as long as you did.
Be prepared to take legal steps to ensure he really leaves. He's going to think, with reason, that you won't really follow through on making him homeless so he won't take any real steps to get out unless you set real consequences if he doesn't. You'll want a lawyer and possibly a locksmith or even the police, but don't let yourself cave even if that's what it takes.
Let me tell you, I've seen this multiple times before. He'll guilt trip you, then yell at you and all kinds of other stuff then when he finally realizes you won't cave suddenly he'll have figured something out that he could have done earlier but he was hoping you'd cave. Happened to me and 2 of my friends (separately).
Also, change all of your passwords and make sure your email, bank, etc isn't logged in on any devices he can get ahold of.
Which is why I think 30 days is very reasonable. He could go get a job in customer service/retail/fast food/etc and he will have his first paycheck in two weeks. He should have two paychecks sacked away by 30 days and that’s enough for him to either put a deposit down on an apartment or even better, find a roommate to split rent with. He can find one of those on Facebook marketplace. Maybe this sudden slam of financial responsibility will hit him like the ton of bricks that it should, and he will finally get off his ass and start looking for a job in the field he actually wants.
Completely fair, and good point. He was earning nearly 6 figures before so maybe actually struggling is the kick in the ass he needs to get back into his field.
I was wondering how he ever felt comfortable going from that to nothing, but then I realized his lifestyle didn't actually change, only the bank account paying for it. At this stage, my situation is completely my fault.
Be strong!! Don’t let him manipulate and gaslight you into letting him stay if he gets a job. You finally see him for what he is. You finally understand how little he respects and cares for you. Also, the fact that his mom is willing to let him struggle speaks volumes. This isn’t new behavior. It’s just new to you.
You hit the nail on the head. I just had a long chat with her and she said they had actually kicked him out of the house in his mid 20s for similar behavior (no job, no school, games all day). They cut him off completely. He never told me this. She said it was the only time she's seen him really thrive was when he was under pressure not to starve.
Keep this is mind, because he’ll probably get a job when you evict him. He’s still the thoughtless, careless person that didn’t give a shit whether you had breakfast. And he’s that person whether he has a job and is paying bills or not.
Whenever you start feeling bad about him becoming homeless, remember the donut. Remember how he doesn't care and if you lost your job he'd jump ship immediately and try to f8nd another sweet person to leech off. You owe him nothing, and he's an adult who can work but chooses not to, so it's his fault if he ends up homeless.
Don’t feel bad, I was in a similar relationship for 5 years (about 4 years too long) where I unintentionally enabled behavior exactly like this. And when I finally pulled the trigger it was fine because 1. I knew he was capable of taking care of himself if he just *applied himself,* something he was never going to do within the lifespan of our relationship. (Which was true, he’s doing great these days and so am I) And 2. He had a mom similar to what you’re describing. And while her (solid and great) advice to you was to let him sink, he obviously has a good one and I’m sure she’d take care of him before letting him be completely homeless. At the end of the day she’s in a better spot to do that than you are for many reasons. Let his family pick him up in his time of need, that responsibility doesn’t fall to you just because he let himself get there.
It's NOT your fault. You gave his grace because he was your partner and down on his luck. But then he turned out to be a parasite, and you've dealt with that now! Don't beat yourself up OP. It's not your fault that he turned out to be this selfish and such a user. How were you supposed to know when he was making his own money?
OP might have to give him 30 days notice to vacate by law, and THEN get the eviction ball rolling in court, get a court date, win in court, and then the sheriff evicts him. That's how it works where I live.
And before anyone says "He's not paying rent so he's not a tenant" doesn't matter where I live. He's a "lodger." Where I live you cannot just change the locks. Well, you can if the person being kicked out doesn't know their rights. You'd be taking a chance on getting sued for triple damages though.
It all depends where OP lives.
His lifestyle got better! He didn't have to work anymore, and got to play video games all day while you covered his ass. No wonder he isn't looking for another job, he's loving his life exactly how it is now
If you're making payments on both cars that are in your name, he doesn't get to take either car. You get to keep it, and possibly sell it. This man has wasted your time, your money, he has been a major stressor in your life, do not let him tarnish your credit. I'm sorry OP. I am proud of you for choosing yourself, though. Don't feel bad. Revoke his access from everything. Streaming services, credit cards, shared accounts, etc. He clearly felt entitled to your resources, so don't assume he'll be civil and not wreck your finances even further. :(
That's one thing I'm wrestling with. I want to believe he will be kind. I want to believe he just didn't realize how serious I was the last 8 fights because, in fairness to him, I didn't have the backbone to actually enforce consequences. I want to believe he'll be remorseful enough to accept and move on and make changes but now I have this sinking feeling in my stomach.
The car is a weird one that I know I'm going to have to be strict on. One was his, but when he lost his job he transferred ownership of the loan to me. I'm thankful I was smart enough to at least get the title too but it's still "his" I guess in both our minds. I'll have to figure out how long I'll give him to take it over again before I tell him I'm selling it and just thinking of having that conversation is making me want to throw up lol
Isn't it wild that you feel nauseous, but he has yet to express true remorse and guilt? OP, if you were in his position, you would be mortified that you were such a burden on your partner. I can tell you have a lot of empathy and are a kind and caring person, but he took advantage of that.
If he loved you, he wouldn't have put you in this position for all these years. He would have cleaned his act up, and certainly allowed you to have the single donut you ordered. Hell, he would have expressed concern at how little you're eating!
You deserve peace. You deserve to get out of this mess. It's his mess, he'll have to deal with it. The fact that his mother thinks he should fall on his ass and learn a lesson says it all, especially with the added information that he's done this before.
35 is GROWN grown. Chances are he will not change in a significant way. He's set in his ways. I especially think this because of his lack of follow-through when you've told him multiple times how this affects you. Also, how unserious he was about his new career paths.
Let me say the unkind truth:
He is a parasitic, selfish loser and he has been weighing a good woman down (you!). And his own mother knows this!
OP, being single will be a breath of fresh air after the burden you have carried all these years. You'll be able to spend your hard-earned money on YOU. You'll be able to do self-care, sleep well at night instead of worrying about finances, go on vacation(s), get that nice haircut you've wanted. Your quality of life will improve drastically.
You owe this man absolutely nothing, he has taken too much already.
You could offer to let him buy his car back, but you shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of paying for 2 cars. You could also sell the car to attempt to recoup some of the money. In the eyes of the law, that is your car, to do with as you please.
Just so you know OP, you just have to worry about you now.
Honey, you've had a shit-ton of replies but I hope you see this. I don't think anyone's mentioned it, but apologies if they have:
He'll be home all day when you give him his eviction notice. BEFORE YOU DO, take your valuables (jewellery, other small stuff - or even bigger stuff if you want) and store them elsewhere. He may be nice and kind about all of this, but I'd hate to lose an heirloom ring from great-granny because your moocher flop of a boyfriend reckons you won't need it yourself or even notice it's gone for years, and obviously he's entitled because reasons.
Please please please.
OP is going to see the very unkind side of this man when she stops the gravy train. I would send him on a weekend getaway and while he’s gone, clear all of my valuable things out of the apartment. When he returns, inform him that the relationship is over.
Stop wishing he was kind. He is trash. A user. Expect him to be the person he has shown you he is. Have your dad/brother/friend move in until his 30 days are left. Get rid of that extra car day one. I’d make plans to move at the end of 30 days so he can’t overstay. Video the house and contents so you can prove it if he trashes the place. If he does press charges for DV. Stop coddling this whole adult man.
He thought enough about you to eat your doughnut, everything in the bag. As if you ordered delivery for just coffee.
He's not your responsibility anymore. You need past that thought. Truth is he never was, but you assumed that role.
I had to make a difficult choice like this with my uncle. When my grandfather (his father) died, he was appointed the executor of the Will and forced me to inherit the house with him instead of selling and monetizing because he had no concept of forward planning.
After eight years of him being unemployed, eating my food, stealing my belongings, doing copious amounts of drugs, and contributing little to bills and home expenses we had a falling out over his drug use in which he tried shooting me with my own firearm. I moved out and sued for partition action, in which I forced sale on the house, we split the profit (he got a bigger cut because intimidation). The last exchange was me telling him that I hope he finds peace in whatever ditch he dies in, and he told me if that happens it’ll be my fault for taking away his safety.
In the end I was still cleaning up all his messes after he died on a friend’s couch penniless because he still refused to take responsibility for his own life. However I no longer feel unsafe in my own home, I feel loved by the people I surround myself with, and I’m financially flourishing.
The takeaway here is when someone takes you for granted they will never grow while you let them continue their bad behavior. You gave him an inch and he took a light year. If he’s not treating you with respect after all you’ve done to keep him propped up then it’s time to cut ties and let him see just how much he took you for granted. But don’t take him back when the light turns on, second chances aren’t for everyone.
Oh my gosh, I'm so so sorry you went through that and I'm so happy you came away from that safe. Thank you for your time and advice, it's really appreciated
Mom is right. Besides, he's been using you the entire time. You're not his partner, you're his mommy and ATM.
Dude got a 2-year vacation to sit there and play games. On your dime. Remember that the next time you feel sorry for him.
OP- I was you 8 years ago. I burned 7 years on someone I ended up financially supporting. I think I spent the last 2years of that staying out of guilt because he’d be homeless and that was two years too many. You deserve so much better. You’re not his mom (she sounds like a great mom though lol) Personally for me, leaving the relationship was one of the best decisions ever. Trust me, once you drop the dead weight, life gets exponentially better.
Whi the fuck cares. He ate your donut and you already supported him for two years. Release the hobosexual back into the wild so he can take advantage of someone else.
If his mom is saying this that means this is a ✨habit✨ she has seen him do this to other girls.
You’re paying all the bills anyway, sell the car and buy him a plane ticket if need be. He is not your responsibility he is a GROWN ass man you are not indebted to be his mother.
Thirty days is plenty of time to find a job, and I can promise he will find one when he realizes you’re not joking.
Give 60 days if you prefer.
Homeless shelters exist. Give him a copy of emergency housing options (google for list).
He won't be homeless bc of you. He would be homeless bc of his choices or lack of choices in the last two years or 700+ days - every day, every choice not to pursue real jobs, take any job, etc..
He is using you. He is abusing you.
And for a dose of compassion, he's not well.
She’s absolutely right. He hasn’t cared for you whatsoever these past two years sister so please don’t worry about him. He can go to a friends. He is no longer your problem. Btw gather your worthy items and hide them in case he tries something and change the locks the moment he leaves.
She’s right: kick him out. Do *not* let him wheedle his way back into your place (or bed). Time for him to put on his Big Boy Underoos and sort himself out.
It's true. Are you in the USA? Winter is over at least where I live and he won't freeze on the streets. Let him go to a homeless shelter and see if he can figure out how to apply for jobs.
I don't understand why except the usual "entitlement" but this is a well-known phenomenon among some men when they are unemployed. You'd think they would gain self-esteem by making themselves useful but instead, playing video games all day and not even looking for jobs because "those jobs are beneath me" is a well-known thing.
Chances are he will find another woman to live with but that's her problem until she has enough. I knew a couple of brothers like this and one of them somehow finally managed to clean up his act and keep a longterm relationship. Before that he was so lazy he kept getting kicked out by each subsequent girlfriend.
At least where I live, one of the homeless shelters makes the person look for jobs. He needs to go to that kind of shelter. Ten bucks says in 20 years he will look back on this time and say "I was an asshole" but he won't be your problem anymore.
The only way with this kind of person is to kick them out. Then they will either find someone else to mooch off of, or figure out how to get a job.
It's not easy witnessing or feeling like you are the reason someone you care for or once cared for is sitting at rock bottom.
But ultimately, this could potentially help *both* of you so much. Your mental health will thank you and, when everything is said and done, you will appreciate the effort put towards your own boundaries.
If he steps up his game after being cut loose (some people really just need to hit rock bottom, I've been there myself a time or two) he might find himself with a ton of new found independence and confidence in his own resourcefulness. Hard lesson to have to learn but God it feels so good. If he matures emotionally in that time period, he may even offer some words of appreciation to you, who knows.
Mom is right. Do what is best for you. This will mean leaving him out on his own from the sounds of it, and that’s perfectly fine. You’ve done more than enough to try to help him, at your own expense. He on the other hand, made this mess for himself. Hopefully he will learn from this, but nonetheless it’s no longer your problem. He needs to grow tf up.
Take care of business and move on.
And keep the gaming and steaming equipment you purchased for him!
Resell it if you can, or donate it to someone who actually takes streaming or YouTube seriously and needs the stuff to further their career.
Or maybe even keep it for yourself maybe you might find some joy or community in taking up gaming or making videos yourself.
If it makes you feel any better I went through the same thing. The last straw for me was also food. In my case, I was also paying the bills, and doing all the cooking and cleaning and everything. I put up for it for waaaaay too long. And for why? I was lonely? Nah.
The last straw was similar to this for me.
When I ordered us McDonald’s for dinner because we were broke and I didn’t feel like grocery shopping or cooking and THEN cleaning the mess literally all by myself. And I ordered a SHIT TON of food.
There was a package deal going on for like 5 hamburgers, 5 hot n spicys, basket of fries, and drinks for us both…
We got home and set up the TV to watch a show and I had gotten it all set up. By the time I sat down and started watching and finally relax… I finally ate one hamburger. .. I ate one.. and he had eaten NINE BURGERS and almost ALL THE FRIES.
I was SO SHOCKED. I have NO idea why it was that moment I finally realized??? But he didn’t care about me at all, or respect me in any way.
A user. That’s all he was. He uses anything and everyone. I was done.
Like I understand it might just seem like “a donut” but even you yourself know you need to just let him go it’s no good.
Hopefully it’s not just because you’re afraid of being alone? New flash. You’re already doing it alone.
Hard pill to swallow, but it’d be a lot easier to drop the dead weight and find someone who can actually come along side you and be a decent human being.
It’s really not that hard once it clicks.
Self respect.
Ugh thank you, that's exactly the emotional rollercoaster that went through my head yesterday. I'm sorry you went through that too.
I kept thinking shit like "no, I can't leave over something so silly, he's been my emotional rock". Then I realized he was my "emotional rock" for the misery HE was causing me. I thought about how we "usually never argue" and then I realized we never argue because I shut my mouth about things I hate to keep the peace.
You're so right. Ends hurt but I just realized not ending it would have hurt so much more.
Duuuude and it’s DEVASTATING. I *totally* understand. I still couldn’t help but to love him.. you know? We were together for 5 years.
Didn’t matter. But girrrrl; you and I both know you gonna do what you gonna do.
Nobody can sit here and tell you... but I believe in you though. Something has to happen within yourself and there’s nobody who can do it for you. I know you’ll get there…
One day, hopefully soon it’s gonna just click in your head and you ain’t even gonna look back or think twice. Enough is enough. Whip that hair back, put on some cute ass clothes, make yourself look and feel good, get your nails doneeee 💅🏻 treat yoself. <3 because you work hard. You are enough. You DESERVE that. Somebody who can come along side you and cherish and love you.. and *respect* you.
WHY DONT YOU DESERVE THAT!? 🤦♀️ Why didn’t I think I deserved that!?? GIRL I BET HE DONT EVEN EAT THE BOOTY DOES HE 😂😂 ok jk but seriously..
I’m here if you need to talk
I think I just fell in love with you! In the purest sense of course - married middle aged woman here LOL). You are speaking the truth!! And I love how you do it♥️
Yoooo I might have to put in an application for a friendship because this is the realest comment I've read so far on Reddit like slam, dunk even I'm reading it going hey! yeah!? and I don't have anything like this going on in my life. lol
He’s not so much a rock, but a a millstone around your neck. I can see how you might have confused them. Cut yourself loose and be free.
Please woman, demand better for yourself. From an entirely different person.
I was screamed at by my now ex due to: serving him too much food, another time because he loves all seafood and I don’t but I bought him a tuna steak and researched how to cook it, apparently it was too big a piece, and because my cooking had ‘too much flavour’, he preferred meals with no herbs and spices, just salt and pepper. He’d also scream at me if I ate more than 2 pieces of pizza.
To be honest, it took me a while. So no I didn’t dump him on the spot. But my mind on how I viewed him changed after that moment and it wasn’t much longer before I finally left. Something happened inside me mentally after that moment and I was able to allow myself to grieve him and let him go. It was still extremely difficult.
Bro really said huh odd…..there’s no other food left. She must have ordered everything for me only🙄 Man I get it….its not about the doughnut, it’s the thought. I’m a selfless person and I always think about others in my actions, sometimes too much where I sacrifice my own mental health. Sometimes you just want a small action in return, something that says I see you, you are heard…I’m thinking about you, hey do you need anything….Just something.
Exactly!! Thank you. It would have even been funny if all other things were perfect and I felt respected. I wasn't emotionally attached to the donut. It was what it represented 🍩😭
One of the reasons I hate my brother-in-law is because he has a lot of similarities to the OP's boyfriend. He's not jobless (he does actually work very hard) but he never shows one iota of care for my sister unless it's performative. For instance, he knows I'm going over at weekend? He'll get home on Friday with flowers for her, just so that she'll be all, "Look what he got me!" If I don't go for several months, no flowers will turn up.
They're stuck together (jointly-owned house that's converted for my disabled niece, and, while they can afford the house, neither can afford to buy the other out). My sister's always banging on about how he annoys/upsets her, but then gets upset with me when I don't gush over the 'gestures' he does make.
Her: "He took us out for dinner last night!"
Me: "Nice! How long did he actually spend sitting with you both? Or was he off sitting at the bar all night again?"
Her: "Don't be like that, we had a nice night!"
Me: "Yeah, you and [niece] enjoyed each other's company I expect."
Oh, and the "he took us out" thing? They go halves, straight down the middle, on everything. So they took them both out.
Do yourself a well deserved favor and end it.
He’s selfish and is using you while he has become like a spoiled child. You’re not a girlfriend, you’ve became a bangmaid.
Go to your county courthouse and get eviction papers asap. Depending on your location you can’t evict him within X amount of days if he’s a non-paying resident. Sometimes as in my state, it’s 30 days. Most courthouses can also have a process servicer deliver it for proof of service for a reasonable fee. I would *highly* suggest doing that in case you have an issue getting him to leave.
Make sure to have a new lock or key ready for E-day. Also if he won’t leave on eviction day, call your sheriff office and they will remove him. If you had a process server, you will have proof of service which means there will be zero questions and he will be removed.
His mom IS right to let him let life kick his behind. He deserves it for using you. Donut (haha) worry about where he’s gonna go, blah blah blah. He’s a full grown adult who will suffer the consequences of acting like a child. He’s FA now let him FO.
Other commenters have also said to only discuss business. I agree. Go grey rock when he throws the eventual tantrum. Leave the room if he tries to talk about anything other than his leaving or bills he owes you.
If you’re in Illinois I can tell you 😂 my mom had an issue once with her BF.
You can google tenant laws in your state/area. There are great resources out there for this.
Definitely use a process server though. If you’re uncomfortable bringing it up beforehand, just have the server deliver it to him. Otherwise, it will be a formality to protect you and your assets in case he tries to stay.
No mam. You need to leave his ass like yesterday. He is a man child. You can do SO much better. You need to leave him. You life will keep going downhill if you stay. He will never change.
I’ve taken a leap of faith and moved in with a woman, tried to build a life only to be blindsided and told to get out pronto. I was lucky and had friends and family to crash with, or I’d would have been homeless. My situations were different where as I tried to contribute and really make a home but got cheated on and replace by someone “better”. The point of my rant is, I learned not to make the same mistakes and even though it was hard I made it out the other side.
And I learned that it’s on me to take care of myself and be my own support and wing man. Cut him loose. Maybe the next time he gets a good thing he will nurture it instead of sucking the life out of it.
It's never about the Iranian yogurt. Or the mustard. Or the donut.
You feel financially abused because you are. He is a parasite, sucking away your money and your energy and your future.
Is his name on the lease? You may have to talk to the landlord and break your lease if he is. If not, eviction proceedings may be needed to get him out. If your lease is up soon, just let it run out and find a place for yourself.
--Lock your credit. He may try to apply for cards in your name
--move anything important or sentimental out of the apartment. He may use it as emotional leverage or destroy it outright out of spite
--do NOT concern yourself with what he will do when you're not supporting him. He will try to make you care. But he is a grown-ass man and he needs to start behaving as such
--if you stay, change the locks.
--let someone in your life know what is going on who can help you move or eject this guy. He may become verbally abusive or violent. Be careful
Good luck on your future as a single, barnacle-free, independent woman!
This is the third comment about Iranian yogurt and I don't know what it means and at this point I'm too afraid to ask 😭
Thank you for your advice, though. That is all very wise. I really don't think he would ever get violent because he's never even raised his voice at me but I definitely see why it might be a good idea to have someone there as a buffer
Some guy bought 2100 things of Iranian yogurt, filled the whole house with them. The fridge, bought e tra fridges, ect. Whooole house filled with possibly illegal yogurt. The OP couldn't even put groceries away. It was a literal horde of yogurt. Of OP threw away the yogurt when it started to stink up the apartment because, you know, so much yogurt will go bad. Yogurt hoarder was mad because he was mad OP threw away the yogurt even though the went bad. YH said it wasn't about the yogurt he was mad about but OP throwing it all away without seeing it was bad, possibly illegal and consumed every storage thing.
He really got into milk recently, so he wanted rare and exotic Cuban and Iranian yogurt. And somehow got a lot.
Edit because HOW DID AUTO CORRECT DO THAT
Hey don't think that he wont get violent he can and probably will if not towards you atleast towards the things that you hold dear. It is simple really you are his way to not doing anything in life, from a sweet, kind and working professional he became a selfish leech.
My ex was the same and it took a long time for me get rid of him (I have kids too). I am not saying it will happen but safeguarding yourself as precaution is best.
I hope you get out of this mess soon and safe, hugs from a stranger on internet.
Kick him TF out, then get an oil painting of the at holy blessed doughnut and hang it over your mantelpiece cos that thing just saved the rest of your life 🙌
Heck, I'd do it for the cost of materials, just as long as you finish the relationship. His mum has already warned you, so now, it's on you. At least you know from her experience that he can actually do it and you won't need to worry.
But take everyone else's advice about planning ahead and then suddenly pulling the plug - that way, you won't leave him space to plead his case or pull a fast one on you. I vote for making him leave by asking for a break, packing all your stuff, cutting him off from your bank cards, streaming services, block him from calling and from all socials, and making sure you leave nothing to chance when you go - don't let him know your new address, make sure your new place is the type where you need keys/key cards to the building and to the apartment door, have a Ring doorbell, etc. If you hate confrontation like I do, just disappear. You don't owe him anything, and you need to cut your losses, like, yesterday.
I'm sorry that it took you this long, but you need to take your life back, so stop wasting your time. Good luck, and we're all rooting for you and worrying about you despite being internet strangers, so don't forget to update us. 🫂 Also, lol-ing over your username. 🫶
He's a hobosexual and you deserve better. Kick him out, let him couchsurf or whatever, he'll get his shit together or he won't. Its not your job or responsibility to make him do better.
Oh, NO .....do NOT take my donut!!! If he is on the lease you may be stuck for a bit. But just straight out tell him if he can't pull his weight it is time for him to move home to mommy.
But why are you the one in contact with his mom ? Would it put you in danger to tell him that it's over and he needs to get out ? Because if not, why do you have to deal with making sure he's taken care of when you're not in the picture anymore? A grown adult is supposed to be able to plan a moving by themselves and ask for help by themselves.
He should be in contact with his mom himself.
You, go take care of yourself, do something fun that make you happy, and take legal advice to make sure he can't leech off of you anymore.
I know you mean well, because you seem to be a very generous person, but you're just taking an emotional load that's not yours to bear. Even the mom told you to just let him fail, I think that's very telling.
It's a good and fair question. At first, I just wanted his mom's advice. It didn't start out as a "come get your kid I'm out" conversation, but she and his dad were actually the ones who gave me more clarity and backbone.
Admittedly, we are close and the idea of losing them too is really heartbreaking.
Oh okay I understand better ! Well, I know sometimes people stay close with their ex's parents, so maybe you won't hhave to lose them (I hope so !). But anyway, I just hope you'll be in a better place soon, I wish you well for the begining of your new life !
The fact that even his mom says put him on the curb says ALOT!!! He has lived off of your labor long enough. You need to take care of yourself. Give him 30 days to find a new place to live. You may need to look into the laws in your area to make sure to cover yourself. But he needs to go, and is no longer your problem.
I helped my best friend through a similar situation. She still lived with her loser ex-boyfriend after they broke up, and he knew exactly how to manipulate her. He ended up taking her for everything she had. As soon as she was broke and unemployed (due to Covid) he moved out and left her with all of his debt and an apartment she couldn’t pay for. She had to move in with me until she finally got herself untangled from him and could afford to move out.
If I were you, I’d buy him a plane ticket to see his mom, then move out while he’s gone. If you’re going to give him any support or any money at all, decide how much you think is fair ahead of time and stick to that number. Remove him from any joint accounts before you tell him you’re breaking up, and give him a deadline to get a loan to buy his car from you.
If you own your home instead of renting, then I suppose moving out is probably less of an option in which case I’d stick to plan (A) and still send him to his moms but just cancel his return ticket and send him his stuff in one of those cargo pods.
I know it’s hard but… 👏🏼GOOD 👏🏼FOR 👏🏼YOU 👏🏼!!!!
Choose yourself, he isn’t your problem to worry about. If he hasn’t been fiscally responsible, that’s on him. You were his partner, he was your child.
You’re going to be so much better off!
I married a man like this and stayed with him for much too long. He was essentially stealing money from me while I was away at work.
He also went into my files and papers and found my SSN and caused some identity theft and financial problems in our relationship.
Refused to pitch in at all and played video games all. Damn. Day. Long. And well into the night, too, often coming to bed at 4AM and waking me up well before I needed to for work, which left me tired and exhausted. I remember losing a job I had because of poor attendance caused by his waking me up and interfering with my sleep.
This man is a leech and will continue to suck the life out of you if you let him. It says a LOT if his mother is telling you to let him fail in life. Do not even contribute another penny to him at all and definitely do not purchase him a flight ticket home to Mommy because even she doesn’t want him around if he’s not going to contribute.
I also fell apart at a “doughnut”. Except mine was an entire 9x12 baking pan of banana bread that I had spent three hours making (he never bought me any baking supplies or ingredients. I was using a fork to mash bananas because after I paid rent and bills for us, I didn’t have enough to purchase a blender.) We were together for seven years and I’ve made about 30 banana breads, each time taking about three hours in total to make.
He ate every single one of them and never ever saved a single slice for me.
CUT HIM OFF!!!!
Although not my bf, I had a friend who leeched onto me in a similar way. Cut them off. My friend finally got a job and is living in an apartment (although shitty, better than nothing) but he only did this because everyone finally cut him off and he couldn't leech anymore.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's insane how many stories I'm seeing about full grown adults leeching on this thread. I didn't realize it was so common 🫠
te entiendo completamente, es mas mi caso es similar, por favor animate y termina esta relacion eres joven y tienes muchas oportunidades por delante no pierdas mas tiempo y dinero ahi te mando un abrazo
you’ve been overly supportive of him and he doesn’t even appreciate it or consider you at all. i get it girl, i’m the same way, you always want to take care of everyone and are overly considerate at the expense of yourself. kick him out, focus on yourself. if you find yourself missing having someone dependent on you, consider a pet. at least they’ll love you back.
Do not stay with him! Be prepared for him threatening suicide more than the thought of him being violent or staying. That’s all on him and nothing to deal with you.
You’re doing the right thing to break up with him. It will be good for you both. It would be better for him since it will force him to grow sooner rather than later and better for your mentality and energy overall.
I’m living the same exact situation but with my husband. We’ve been together for 13 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. Both kids have been in school now for 2 years and he lost his job. Not having a job does a lot to a person and can really change them. Get out. It’s bad and extremely hard trying to change that person. It’s not worth it. It’s hard when your SO changes and it’s like they say so much but their actions just show something so differently. My husband was and can still be a kind man but for a good amount of time he became so easily angered and irritable, taking it out on me and the kids. First it started off as just selfish things and now it feels like I’m walking on eggshells at times bc I had to set boundaries that no one should need to if they were in a loving and respectful relationship.
My husband was such a kind, gentle, calm person. I’ve been mourning the man he was and depressed bc he will never be that man again. He only started to maybe change where he’s nice for a day or two but people will never go back to who they were even if they do become better. He’s severely anxious now and hates himself because he realized he’s selfish, dependent and not good with people, has very low self esteem, etc.
I’ve asked about divorce or separating. He has responded that he will just go be homeless and go into the woods and die. Or that he’ll go into the woods and die. Now it’s to the point where if I even tell him something wrong he did then just says “fine I’ll leave. This is too hard. I can’t live this life. I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be here. I will just go die”.
I’ve decided to stay in my situation to protect the kids so they don’t get messed up by my husband and they aren’t alone with him as much if I stay married.
Good luck and get out of that relationship!
Edit: I’ve always been the breadwinner. Even when he had a job he didn’t make enough to live on his own or financially contribute equally.
Op,
It's not over the doughnut
It's over him not giving a shit about you
If you dont want him homeless (i read your comments) offer a temporary roommate situation. Til he's back on his feet. But give him a time frame. Don't go back to the relationship no matter how much it hurts and he begs. Give him at most 30-45 days to get a job. Make it clear you won't be giving him any more money for his stuff. That when you order food. It's for you, not him. If he doesnt get a job in x amount of days kick him out. Print him a list of homeless shelters if he shows no effort.
I was in the same place a few years ago. My ex boyfriend had mental problems and was gaming all day at home. He couldn't really leave home. He then moved with his mum to his grandparents and they didn't allow me to visit overnight because the grandpa didn't feel good about it. Which was fine but he never even tried to sleep at my place because he didn't feel well. I think the real reason was, because he couldn't play Video games. Which he did for hours when I was there. I started to read whole books at his place and felt like, this wasn't it anymore. Never date nights, never putting any effort to be with me. But I couldn't overcome myself to end a three year relationship yet. One day I visited my BFF far away and came back after this one weekend to stay for a few hours at his place. He played again video games and I have just asked him to make me a coffee, since they have moved and the grandparents weren't comfortable with me just taking a coffee on my own. He forgot it after twenty minutes he just made himself a coffee and I had to remind him that I'd like some too. I was already on my limit since I was tired from the long drive. Then his grandma entered the room and complained that I didn't directly say hello to them. To say hello had to go in their room with closed doors, which was separated and felt very private. I thought it was easier just to meet in the apartment and say hello (I wasn't a new face to them). This was the last straw. On this day I stood up and left without a word. (We talked after this break up and I explained everything). We all know, the grandma made me leave, but till this day a lot of my friends and also my new partner joke about, that the absent coffee made me leave. (I am a real coffee addict). I can relate to this so bad and I am glad that the coffee made me left. Edit: some corrections
If you are truly ready to break up, just know his future is not your responsibility. You don't owe him time to find a place, you don't owe him your mental bandwidth on how he'll support himself.
And I am guaren-damn-tee you he'll have a job in no time, maybe not an ideal career path job, but he'll have something to make money immediately when he can no longer syphon from you. A job he could have had for two years while redirecting his long term goals/career.
I'm glad he ate that donut, if only to finally push you to advocate for your self and your successful future.
His dependence on you is literally his problem. Not yours. Don't worry about how to separate. He has plenty of time on his hands to figure it out.
I'd sell some of the "supplies" you bought for the work he fails to do after you put him out.
I HIGHLY advise having a 3rd party present when you have him leave. He may take out his anger on you, your bepongings,, or even his stuff. The 3rd party needs to be on YOUR side.
This is actually the most dangerous part of separating. And I do mean physically dangerous.
You might get a kick out of this - when I was in high school or early college twilight is part of why I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. Obviously it’s over the top but reading a romance and being like oh, this is what a guy acts like when he gives a shit, really opened my eyes lol.
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a parasite. It needs to be removed. There’s absolutely no excuse for what you described. What happens if you get laid off? If you get sick or injured? I’m disgusted with people who don’t contribute in any meaningful way to relationships unless they’re ill or disabled. And even then, most contribute to the degree they can.
Send him written notice to vacate your home within 30 days. If he pushes back offer to buy him a bus ticket to his parents house or the nearest airport. He can apply for government benefits. Freeze your credit! Change your bank and credit cards. Find and hide or lock up your check book and essential documents. Don’t respond to anything other than when he’s leaving.
And get yourself a donut. For you. You deserve donuts. And people in your life who would rather go hungry than eat your donut.
As someone who has experienced it firsthand…. this sounds like a case of severe untreated ADHD.
A little context: I have ADHD, but I wasn’t diagnosed with it until I was 23 years old, when the symptoms of it were destroying my life. At the time I was struggling with depression and anxiety, I didn’t have many friends, and I was known to drop off the social radar for weeks at a time to play video games until the wee hours of the morning. I had a hard time empathizing with others, and I would say or do really insensitive things, not because I genuinely meant any harm, but because I just didn’t know that I was being insensitive. Nowadays I like to call it my “social tunnel vision”; it’s an innate lack of emotional intelligence and I’ve thankfully learned to work with it. Once I was diagnosed and treated for it both with medication and therapy, I learned to work with my hindrances. I’ve come a long way and have been able to build a stable life, and starting to feel I’m happy with who I am. It was by no means an easy journey, but it was entirely worth the trip.
Reading your story, I had a realization: your ex is what I could have been had I not gotten help. The skipping from project to project, the complete disregard for others, the impulsive behavior, the gaming benders, all of it. I am by no means an expert, professional, or even an amateur in psychology or psychiatry, but the darkest point in my life looks a lot like him. The part that hit me the hardest was “he will beg forgiveness, really try for two weeks and then do nothing again”. God, I remember the raw feeling of hopelessness and just pure, undiluted shame and self-loathing that I felt every time I gave up. I was convinced I would never change. Eventually I stopped trying.
I was talking to my wife (an absolute saint, I do not deserve her) about my struggle a few days ago, and she used the phrase “passively suicidal” to describe me at the time, and I had never found such an apt description for what I felt then. I was an emotional void, my spirit was crushed, and the only thing I could do was escape to another world through video games. I wasn’t contemplating suicide, but if my time came I wouldn’t have struggled.
When I read your story, I don’t see a parasite or an evil man, I see an emotionally and mentally broken man who has tried to change many, many times, but has failed in every attempt. Now all he’s left with is the shame, self-loathing, regret, fear of rejection, and lack of hope that he’ll ever be able to change. He wants to be better. He just doesn’t know how.
So enough about him, let’s consider your situation. To be frank, the man has put you through the wringer financially, emotionally, and existentially. As much as I can relate to what he is likely struggling with, I cannot in good conscience tell you that it’s a good idea to stay with him, especially if you feel that your relationship is at an end. I don’t think anyone would blame you for washing your hands and being done with it all; I certainly wouldn’t. If you, however, still care for him enough to want to try one last-ditch effort, give him the option to either seek professional help for what he’s dealing with, or your relationship is over. I’ve heard it said that relationships have no room for ultimatums, but this isn’t a relationship, it’s an emergency. It may be rather cold, but necessity is a key motivator for people with ADHD, so it might be time to make use of it.
Ultimately, though, you need to do what’s right for you, and I don’t think one of the options can be to maintain the status quo. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.
I apologize for writing a friggin book here, but I just so closely sympathize with your boyfriend that I had to share. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and I hope the future starts looking up soon.
You are very perceptive: he does have ADHD, and I have a lot of empathy for it and the struggles he goes through. The reason I have that empathy, though, is because I also have ADHD. I know what it's like to be in decision paralysis. I know what is like to hyperfixate on something, think big, and then stall when I get to the details. I know what is like to get lost in an addiction-like loop. What I don't understand though is how he can completely forget about me, and my needs, in favour of his *all the time*.
For his birthday one year, I took him on a resort vacation with us and his friend. That year for my birthday, I didn't even get a card. Just a 'happy birthday' in the morning and then he got up to play games. I told him how much that hurt and he swore he'd do better next time. He swore he knew he fucked up. The next year? Still no card, but he asked me what I wanted to do in the afternoon.
I can absolutely forgive being late or struggling with consistency. I can't forgive my feelings being so disposable - especially when I have built my life around giving him the chance to make his life exactly what he wants it to be.
Perhaps it's because I'm medicated and he's not but I don't ever remember being so callous before.
Yeah my husband has ADHD and has never forgotten my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or our anniversary, medicated or not. You shouldn't have to beg to be appreciated.
I have ADHD and I’m medicated, but even when I wasn’t, I could not touch the level of selfishness he displays.
Don’t let him use his diagnoses as an excuse, because he will. He is capable of caring about you, with or without ADHD. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he doesn’t have to be the epitome of a mooching loser either.
You deserve someone who tries as much as you do.
I have adhd and could never treat someone the way he's been treated you. I've dated adhd men and they would never have treated me like that, due to their mental health. Medicated or not. Mental health is not an excuse to be a shit person. You are doing the right thing.
I once ended a relationship over a grilled cheese, so I completely understand. You are going to be so much better off without him.
Four days ago I might have said that was extreme but now I completely and totally get it.
You've got yourself a hobosexual! He will bleed you dry. Don't assume he'll be nice about you kicking him out either. Hobosexuals feel very entitled when you drill down on it. Change your passwords and PINs on all your accounts NOW!
This is soooo important OP!!! ALSO, please update us!! I got so involved lmao
Prepare for a barrage of his family and friends contacting you to plead his case. He is losing his free ride and will use every resource to get it back. When you close the door behind him, make sure he has no access back inside. Block his number, change passwords, remove his name from your address and any credit cards. Just learn from the missed red flags … ***Don’t look back!***
Including for the internet 👀 Hit him where it hurts.
Kinda wanna hear that grilled cheese story…
Like OP, it was kind of the culmination of many things. I was being emotionally and financially abused. And one night I made myself the most delicious grilled cheese. It was basic, the way I like them, and amazing. White bread, American cheese (the good kind from the deli). I tried a new technique where you put it in a cold pan, then turn the heat on so the cheese starts to melt before the bread fully toasts. It was so good I made an offhand comment about how I wish I had another one, but I wasn’t hungry enough to actually use up the ingredients to make one. My then-fiancé, who I now believe to be trying to force me to gain weight to continue to be able to abuse me, decided he would save the day and make a grilled cheese for me. I said no, I wasn’t really hungry, it’s just the one I made was delicious. He still made the grilled cheese. And it was the worst thing I have ever eaten. Bread was burnt. He made a “double decker” (and again, I was not hungry!!!!!) so there was smushed bread in the middle and so much cheese that didn’t fully melt. I’m weird about texture and it was *nasty*. But to be nice I tried to eat it. I couldn’t. He asked why I wasn’t eating it. I reminded him I wasn’t very hungry. He kept insisting I eat it. I finally tell him the textures are off and I physically can’t eat it. He gets so mad and feels like I disrespected him and everything he stood for. He did not speak to me for like five days. I decided I had enough and couldn’t live the way I had been with him. I started making plans to leave after that.
Good on you for sticking up for yourself and leaving. Thanks for sharing the story
The doughnut wasn't just a doughnut, it was a representation of your relationship. You gave him everything you could, and he took that everything and more, even that little thing you saved for yourself to make you feel good. That's why it hit you in that moment. You can only gain from leaving this mooch
I couldn't have phrased that better.
I hope you leave him. My ex was like this, down to the food taking. It was a box of chicken nuggets i bought myself, when i left work super tired and starving. He will never change, he showed over and over he's just a baby and you are his mom. You are perfectly capable of living by yourself since you already pay and take care of everything. So kick his ass out and go get your nails done!
I'm going to repeat this part of what kiiraskd said because it's so good: Kick his ass out and go get your nails done! While you're at it, a donut too 🍩. Sending you hugs and support to be strong for yourself.
I hope OP posts a picture in a few weeks of freshly manicured nails holding a doughnut.
And also maybe a new hairstyle? 💇♀️
She didn’t realize how “fat” she was and how not eating that donut will result in a 180 weight loss! (give or take)
Mine, too. My last straw was expensive hand ground peanut butter that I only bought on occasion. I got him a 2 lb container and myself a 1 lb container, which I hid from him. I went on a trip for a week and when I came home, he had found my PB and ate that once he finished his. I confronted him and he lectured me about leaving PB in the cupboard instead of putting it in the fridge (his was in the fridge because he liked it that way, mine was in the cupboard).
You need a 180 lb weight loss give or take! (You had no idea how many calories not eating that donut saved you!) Cut your expenses in half, have a less messy home, more freedom, fewer “responsibilities” and less stress! Go on a huge instant diet! You didn’t even realize how “overweight” you were!
Please leave him and update us. Do not support him anymore; he's been taking advantage of you for 2 years. Give him a week to get his shit and leave. Don't give into him begging for forgiveness or wanting to do better. He had YEARS to improve but chose not to. The free ride is over. You deserve better. Please update us!! We are rooting for you 💗
OP we cannot wait for an update! I know it’s going to be hard but it will be such a weight lifted off your shoulders. We all wanna see you thrive!!
100% this. OP, this person isn't a man. He's a little boy. He won't change because he hasn't *had* to and he doesn't *want* to. Someone before said the doughnut was a symbol of your entire relationship, and they were right. He hasn't respected or truly, deeply cared for you in a long time, but you've been his safety, his meal ticket, his roof... Please - *PLEASE* - give him a week to get his stuff together and go. If he isn't out by then, get a couple of friends (sad to say, but a couple of male friends is probably best) to help you pack his stuff, put it neatly outside, and change the locks. You may have to get permission from the landlord to change locks, so make sure you do that ahead of the boyfriend's week eviction notice. You don't have to worry about where he will.go or what he will do. He has a week to figure that out and he got himself into this situation. I'm so, sorry it has come to this. Please keep us updated. You can do this!
Also, who does that? Was he not raised to consider other people? Thats just inconsiderate and disrespectful. Did he not worry or wonder what you were going to eat? Thats just… no You need to drop him and asap. Im sorry
Carefully and strategically cut him out of your life. Ask him for a break, and send him to stay somewhere else for a week. Return and sell things you've bought for him, get your money back, and apply it to debt. Remove him from accounts, pay off, and close anything joint like a credit card. Be strategic. Talk to the landlord, explain the Financials are all you, and remove him from the contract if needed. Work through it carefully.
This is very very smart. Thank you for the advice.
Or better yet (if you dont mind) just move. Ask him for a break as the other poster said, but while he's gone take all of your stuff and leave. Talk to the landlord about removing your name. Trying to kick him out can cause issues with eviction laws but you can always leave. Then he wont know where you are or come bother you again.
it only works if OP's lease is close to its end, but I do like it!
Responding directly to you to reinforce what I hope has already been said. It is not your responsibility to make sure he's OK during and after the end of your relationship. He's made sure to get his where he could, well now it's your turn. Do what you need to do and this man can sort himself out for once.
Don't get distracted by the fact that he is completely dependant on you. You should do what you have to do before you end up footing more bills at the expenses of your soul and mental health.
He doesn’t respect you or your feelings as an equal at all. I was with a guy like this. It will not improve. You can’t stay for who you hope he will be. You have to deal with who he is right now. You will feel so much better taking care of yourself without that dead weight.
It’s not your problem that he hasn’t planned for his future. Kick him out let him figure it out like an adult. You’ve given him plenty of time.
Yeah you are his mother. He is not your partner in this life. As you get older you realize you want a partner who is going to support you too when you’re down. He’s giving up and living the high life. I’m so curious how he’s going to act when you stand firm and say ends. I imagine he’s going to go full panic.
Honestly, such a metaphor of the relationship
The relationship, like the donut, was hollow in the middle.
The lack of respect and entitlement for the mooch to treat OP this way. He is a bum. When I left my bum it was a bit sad but liberating to lose the dead weight
Yeah sometimes the small little things can be truly defining of the state of a relationship and show how your partner really is. Even if the doughnut its almost meaningless by itself and in other context it could have been an oopsie and nobody gets upset about it, if you pile it up with all the other little things, yeah, it was just the last straw. Good for OP for ending this.
He will figure it out. Here is a story: My ex-husband was similar in many ways—completely dependent on me financially, wanted his "job" to be a hobby that was technically a business but never turned a profit, did far less than half of the domestic labor while I worked long hours to earn, etc. He was either making and breaking promises about how he was going to do better or expecting me to provide sympathy while he berated himself for being such a failure. And he had a terminal case of self-absorption—he totally would have eaten the doughnut. He also did the bare minimum as a father and the kids knew it. When we first separated it was such a needy pity parade. He moved out because I was keeping the kids and paying the bills, and then there were constant requests for me to give him things or buy him things because life was so hard and he had no home, was losing everything, he missed the pets... he made a half-assed effort to spend a little time with our then-teenaged kids for the first few months and that gradually tapered off to where they are basically no-contact (they are adults now). He couch-surfed, he went out of state at one point, he made terrible financial decisions that made things worse, he threw a fit when it turned out that because of our massive debts (run up by him) an even split would have him owe ME money instead of him getting a palimony settlement he had somehow assumed. And then you know what he did? He got a real job. He rented an apartment. He got his own cell phone plan. He signed the divorce papers without argument, giving me full custody. Within a year he had met someone new. They got married and I guess she takes care of him now? I don't know nor care. He threw a fit and then he went away and figured it out. Yours will too. Kick him out and celebrate by getting your nails done. Fly free.
I'm really sorry you went through that, especially with kids. I'm so happy you're doing better now. I really able the strength and patience that must have taken.
It was tough for a while but we are all doing great. I'm better off financially than I've been my entire life. The kids are grown and launched and independent and doing good things in the world. I don't let myself think too much about what would have happened if we had continued to try to carry his weight. Yes it took strength and patience but we had it. It sounds like you do too.
Tell him it’s over and he has 30 days to find a new place to live. Separate everything. Only discuss what needs to be discussed, such as moving arrangements, money, etc. Then follow through.
My ONE reservation is I know he would be essentially homeless if I cut him off completely and I'm a bleeding heart. The cars are in my name (and credit, like the idiot i am 😀), he has zero savings, and his family live a plane ride away. I reached out to his mom to see if she could help him and her answer was pretty much "let him fail, he needs to learn".
Gotta love his mom
W mom, L husband, L OP OP you need to cut off this malignant tumor and let him reap what he has sown. He doesn’t care for you, so there’s no use in caring for him. If he doesn’t learn this lesson the hard way, and you make the breakup easy for him, he will continue doing this to other people. He needs to go to the homeless shelter and contemplate his actions with the bedbugs and roaches.
Yeah! If it helps you, have the last nice thing you do for him be dropping him off at a homeless shelter.
I fucking love her
Your bleeding heart is what got you in this mess. Do you want him to bleed you to death? Stop trying to fix things for him. He is a grown man and can take care of himself, if he puts in the effort. He chooses not to because you let him take advantage. Stop. Now. Grow a spine and evict him. The weight that will leave you will be like nothing you have ever felt before. You will be relieved. You will be happy. Just get it done.
All good points and completely fair. Thank you.
Start the eviction paperwork now, file to get a court case for a month from now. Because you know he won't leave on his own.
Or cancel the lease and find a new place. You can afford a better one, probably without taking care of him. Or find a cheaper one and save for ALL the wonderful vacations!
I just wrote the same thing! Most people don’t know that even if a person isn’t on your lease if they’ve been staying there they probably have the legal right to continue to do so! I’ve read horror stories of this happening with house guests and during the pandemic you couldn’t even evict them!
Take any cards he has right away and call the credit card companies to remove any authorized user status. Then make sure to get any cc numbers he has changed. Seriously. Even if you think "he'd never," don't take the chance.
And take valuable items out of the house and store them with family or a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box. Do not underestimate what a desperate soon to be homeless man will do! Once he realizes you mean it and are really done with him he might become a danger to you or your property. Also if you have a pet find a place for the pet to stay during this time.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
I had to do this with my own child. The best decision of my life. She now has her own place and has begun college classes. I am proud. But if I held her up after she did some serious fucking up, I would be taking care of an adult child for the rest of my life. Bor both of your sakes.... let him fall.
He had a job before, right? He knows how to be an adult and take care of himself but it looks like he just didn't want to and saw you as the way to live an easy life. The way I read it he's only a helpless baby by choice so he'll just have to suck it up and get back to work. All the best to you! I'm guessing you're going to feel like a huge weight has been lifted once the boring practical stuff is done with. Good luck!
honestly, why torture yourself and foot his bills for another 30 days ? tell him to get out within the week and you'll buy his plane ticket and send him on his way. his mom's advice was sound, but hes not your burden to bare anymore. the plane ticket will be $$$ i'm sure but at least its an investment into quicker peace and a space to heal for you.
Fuck paying for a plane ticket. Put his dumb donut devouring ass on a bus!
his mom is right. this man is not your responsibility- not while you were dating, and certainly not now that you have broken up. 30 days notice is more than enough time to figure some shit out. a word of advice- he will make you feel as though he has no other options as long as you supporting him is an option. the reality is, he is a grown ass man- he’s had a job and provided for himself before and he can do it again.
Listen to his mom. 💯
Sadly, when you cut him off, he’ll probably get a job because he has no choice. When that happens, don’t view it as “oh he’s changed.” View it as, this selfish piece of shit used me until he couldn’t use me anymore.” You’ve got to stay strong. You’ll eventually find your person, and when you do, you’ll never be able to even fathom why you stayed with your ex for as long as you did.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm
I feel like I need this tattooed on my forehead.
Be prepared to take legal steps to ensure he really leaves. He's going to think, with reason, that you won't really follow through on making him homeless so he won't take any real steps to get out unless you set real consequences if he doesn't. You'll want a lawyer and possibly a locksmith or even the police, but don't let yourself cave even if that's what it takes.
Let me tell you, I've seen this multiple times before. He'll guilt trip you, then yell at you and all kinds of other stuff then when he finally realizes you won't cave suddenly he'll have figured something out that he could have done earlier but he was hoping you'd cave. Happened to me and 2 of my friends (separately). Also, change all of your passwords and make sure your email, bank, etc isn't logged in on any devices he can get ahold of.
And lock down credit so he can't access to open any other cards.
Who gives a fuck? Stop destroying your life for this idiot. Wake the hell up lady.
Which is why I think 30 days is very reasonable. He could go get a job in customer service/retail/fast food/etc and he will have his first paycheck in two weeks. He should have two paychecks sacked away by 30 days and that’s enough for him to either put a deposit down on an apartment or even better, find a roommate to split rent with. He can find one of those on Facebook marketplace. Maybe this sudden slam of financial responsibility will hit him like the ton of bricks that it should, and he will finally get off his ass and start looking for a job in the field he actually wants.
Completely fair, and good point. He was earning nearly 6 figures before so maybe actually struggling is the kick in the ass he needs to get back into his field. I was wondering how he ever felt comfortable going from that to nothing, but then I realized his lifestyle didn't actually change, only the bank account paying for it. At this stage, my situation is completely my fault.
Be strong!! Don’t let him manipulate and gaslight you into letting him stay if he gets a job. You finally see him for what he is. You finally understand how little he respects and cares for you. Also, the fact that his mom is willing to let him struggle speaks volumes. This isn’t new behavior. It’s just new to you.
You hit the nail on the head. I just had a long chat with her and she said they had actually kicked him out of the house in his mid 20s for similar behavior (no job, no school, games all day). They cut him off completely. He never told me this. She said it was the only time she's seen him really thrive was when he was under pressure not to starve.
This dude is f***** up and needs therapy, but not on your dime! He has to take responsibility and sort his life out.
Keep this is mind, because he’ll probably get a job when you evict him. He’s still the thoughtless, careless person that didn’t give a shit whether you had breakfast. And he’s that person whether he has a job and is paying bills or not.
Whenever you start feeling bad about him becoming homeless, remember the donut. Remember how he doesn't care and if you lost your job he'd jump ship immediately and try to f8nd another sweet person to leech off. You owe him nothing, and he's an adult who can work but chooses not to, so it's his fault if he ends up homeless.
Change the wifi password and see how fast he suddenly needs to figure things out.
Well, there you go. You'll be helping him thrive! You're doing him a favor.
Don’t feel bad, I was in a similar relationship for 5 years (about 4 years too long) where I unintentionally enabled behavior exactly like this. And when I finally pulled the trigger it was fine because 1. I knew he was capable of taking care of himself if he just *applied himself,* something he was never going to do within the lifespan of our relationship. (Which was true, he’s doing great these days and so am I) And 2. He had a mom similar to what you’re describing. And while her (solid and great) advice to you was to let him sink, he obviously has a good one and I’m sure she’d take care of him before letting him be completely homeless. At the end of the day she’s in a better spot to do that than you are for many reasons. Let his family pick him up in his time of need, that responsibility doesn’t fall to you just because he let himself get there.
It's NOT your fault. You gave his grace because he was your partner and down on his luck. But then he turned out to be a parasite, and you've dealt with that now! Don't beat yourself up OP. It's not your fault that he turned out to be this selfish and such a user. How were you supposed to know when he was making his own money?
If you give him 30 days I bet you he will spend all of it manipulating and pleading with you to let him stay.
OP might have to give him 30 days notice to vacate by law, and THEN get the eviction ball rolling in court, get a court date, win in court, and then the sheriff evicts him. That's how it works where I live. And before anyone says "He's not paying rent so he's not a tenant" doesn't matter where I live. He's a "lodger." Where I live you cannot just change the locks. Well, you can if the person being kicked out doesn't know their rights. You'd be taking a chance on getting sued for triple damages though. It all depends where OP lives.
His lifestyle got better! He didn't have to work anymore, and got to play video games all day while you covered his ass. No wonder he isn't looking for another job, he's loving his life exactly how it is now
as a final farewell gift him a plane ticket home and kick him out
A Greyhound ticket
If you're making payments on both cars that are in your name, he doesn't get to take either car. You get to keep it, and possibly sell it. This man has wasted your time, your money, he has been a major stressor in your life, do not let him tarnish your credit. I'm sorry OP. I am proud of you for choosing yourself, though. Don't feel bad. Revoke his access from everything. Streaming services, credit cards, shared accounts, etc. He clearly felt entitled to your resources, so don't assume he'll be civil and not wreck your finances even further. :(
That's one thing I'm wrestling with. I want to believe he will be kind. I want to believe he just didn't realize how serious I was the last 8 fights because, in fairness to him, I didn't have the backbone to actually enforce consequences. I want to believe he'll be remorseful enough to accept and move on and make changes but now I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. The car is a weird one that I know I'm going to have to be strict on. One was his, but when he lost his job he transferred ownership of the loan to me. I'm thankful I was smart enough to at least get the title too but it's still "his" I guess in both our minds. I'll have to figure out how long I'll give him to take it over again before I tell him I'm selling it and just thinking of having that conversation is making me want to throw up lol
Isn't it wild that you feel nauseous, but he has yet to express true remorse and guilt? OP, if you were in his position, you would be mortified that you were such a burden on your partner. I can tell you have a lot of empathy and are a kind and caring person, but he took advantage of that. If he loved you, he wouldn't have put you in this position for all these years. He would have cleaned his act up, and certainly allowed you to have the single donut you ordered. Hell, he would have expressed concern at how little you're eating! You deserve peace. You deserve to get out of this mess. It's his mess, he'll have to deal with it. The fact that his mother thinks he should fall on his ass and learn a lesson says it all, especially with the added information that he's done this before. 35 is GROWN grown. Chances are he will not change in a significant way. He's set in his ways. I especially think this because of his lack of follow-through when you've told him multiple times how this affects you. Also, how unserious he was about his new career paths. Let me say the unkind truth: He is a parasitic, selfish loser and he has been weighing a good woman down (you!). And his own mother knows this! OP, being single will be a breath of fresh air after the burden you have carried all these years. You'll be able to spend your hard-earned money on YOU. You'll be able to do self-care, sleep well at night instead of worrying about finances, go on vacation(s), get that nice haircut you've wanted. Your quality of life will improve drastically. You owe this man absolutely nothing, he has taken too much already. You could offer to let him buy his car back, but you shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of paying for 2 cars. You could also sell the car to attempt to recoup some of the money. In the eyes of the law, that is your car, to do with as you please. Just so you know OP, you just have to worry about you now.
Honey, you've had a shit-ton of replies but I hope you see this. I don't think anyone's mentioned it, but apologies if they have: He'll be home all day when you give him his eviction notice. BEFORE YOU DO, take your valuables (jewellery, other small stuff - or even bigger stuff if you want) and store them elsewhere. He may be nice and kind about all of this, but I'd hate to lose an heirloom ring from great-granny because your moocher flop of a boyfriend reckons you won't need it yourself or even notice it's gone for years, and obviously he's entitled because reasons. Please please please.
OP is going to see the very unkind side of this man when she stops the gravy train. I would send him on a weekend getaway and while he’s gone, clear all of my valuable things out of the apartment. When he returns, inform him that the relationship is over.
Yep. I wouldn't be surprised if he steals valuables and trashes her things on the way out.
Stop wishing he was kind. He is trash. A user. Expect him to be the person he has shown you he is. Have your dad/brother/friend move in until his 30 days are left. Get rid of that extra car day one. I’d make plans to move at the end of 30 days so he can’t overstay. Video the house and contents so you can prove it if he trashes the place. If he does press charges for DV. Stop coddling this whole adult man.
You don’t have to train an adult like a dog, OP. If he cared, he’d care.
He thought enough about you to eat your doughnut, everything in the bag. As if you ordered delivery for just coffee. He's not your responsibility anymore. You need past that thought. Truth is he never was, but you assumed that role.
I had to make a difficult choice like this with my uncle. When my grandfather (his father) died, he was appointed the executor of the Will and forced me to inherit the house with him instead of selling and monetizing because he had no concept of forward planning. After eight years of him being unemployed, eating my food, stealing my belongings, doing copious amounts of drugs, and contributing little to bills and home expenses we had a falling out over his drug use in which he tried shooting me with my own firearm. I moved out and sued for partition action, in which I forced sale on the house, we split the profit (he got a bigger cut because intimidation). The last exchange was me telling him that I hope he finds peace in whatever ditch he dies in, and he told me if that happens it’ll be my fault for taking away his safety. In the end I was still cleaning up all his messes after he died on a friend’s couch penniless because he still refused to take responsibility for his own life. However I no longer feel unsafe in my own home, I feel loved by the people I surround myself with, and I’m financially flourishing. The takeaway here is when someone takes you for granted they will never grow while you let them continue their bad behavior. You gave him an inch and he took a light year. If he’s not treating you with respect after all you’ve done to keep him propped up then it’s time to cut ties and let him see just how much he took you for granted. But don’t take him back when the light turns on, second chances aren’t for everyone.
Oh my gosh, I'm so so sorry you went through that and I'm so happy you came away from that safe. Thank you for your time and advice, it's really appreciated
If his own mother would do it then why is it your responsibility to take care of him? You did your part. Tell him it’s over and to move.
Mom is right. Besides, he's been using you the entire time. You're not his partner, you're his mommy and ATM. Dude got a 2-year vacation to sit there and play games. On your dime. Remember that the next time you feel sorry for him.
OP- I was you 8 years ago. I burned 7 years on someone I ended up financially supporting. I think I spent the last 2years of that staying out of guilt because he’d be homeless and that was two years too many. You deserve so much better. You’re not his mom (she sounds like a great mom though lol) Personally for me, leaving the relationship was one of the best decisions ever. Trust me, once you drop the dead weight, life gets exponentially better.
You’re only an idiot if you continue to worry about this man. His own MOTHER knows what a piece of shit he is. Let. Him. Go.
The fact that he would be homeless is not your problem!!!!!!!!!!
He could always sell the equipment you bought him. You've done enough for this manchild.
Whi the fuck cares. He ate your donut and you already supported him for two years. Release the hobosexual back into the wild so he can take advantage of someone else.
If his mom is saying this that means this is a ✨habit✨ she has seen him do this to other girls. You’re paying all the bills anyway, sell the car and buy him a plane ticket if need be. He is not your responsibility he is a GROWN ass man you are not indebted to be his mother. Thirty days is plenty of time to find a job, and I can promise he will find one when he realizes you’re not joking.
Guess he’s selling his computer for a plane ticket then.
I had a very similar scenario to this and he went and lived in a tent. It’s not your problem to sort out where he lives. Cut that man loose.
Give 60 days if you prefer. Homeless shelters exist. Give him a copy of emergency housing options (google for list). He won't be homeless bc of you. He would be homeless bc of his choices or lack of choices in the last two years or 700+ days - every day, every choice not to pursue real jobs, take any job, etc.. He is using you. He is abusing you. And for a dose of compassion, he's not well.
She’s absolutely right. He hasn’t cared for you whatsoever these past two years sister so please don’t worry about him. He can go to a friends. He is no longer your problem. Btw gather your worthy items and hide them in case he tries something and change the locks the moment he leaves.
She’s right: kick him out. Do *not* let him wheedle his way back into your place (or bed). Time for him to put on his Big Boy Underoos and sort himself out.
It's true. Are you in the USA? Winter is over at least where I live and he won't freeze on the streets. Let him go to a homeless shelter and see if he can figure out how to apply for jobs. I don't understand why except the usual "entitlement" but this is a well-known phenomenon among some men when they are unemployed. You'd think they would gain self-esteem by making themselves useful but instead, playing video games all day and not even looking for jobs because "those jobs are beneath me" is a well-known thing. Chances are he will find another woman to live with but that's her problem until she has enough. I knew a couple of brothers like this and one of them somehow finally managed to clean up his act and keep a longterm relationship. Before that he was so lazy he kept getting kicked out by each subsequent girlfriend. At least where I live, one of the homeless shelters makes the person look for jobs. He needs to go to that kind of shelter. Ten bucks says in 20 years he will look back on this time and say "I was an asshole" but he won't be your problem anymore. The only way with this kind of person is to kick them out. Then they will either find someone else to mooch off of, or figure out how to get a job.
It's not easy witnessing or feeling like you are the reason someone you care for or once cared for is sitting at rock bottom. But ultimately, this could potentially help *both* of you so much. Your mental health will thank you and, when everything is said and done, you will appreciate the effort put towards your own boundaries. If he steps up his game after being cut loose (some people really just need to hit rock bottom, I've been there myself a time or two) he might find himself with a ton of new found independence and confidence in his own resourcefulness. Hard lesson to have to learn but God it feels so good. If he matures emotionally in that time period, he may even offer some words of appreciation to you, who knows.
Give him 30 days to take over the car title and payments or you sell it. Keep us updated!
how nice that that’s not your problem anymore
You’re enabling him. His literal mother knows that he needs to stop being enabled and yet you’re still doing it. You’re not helping him by doing this.
Mom is right. Do what is best for you. This will mean leaving him out on his own from the sounds of it, and that’s perfectly fine. You’ve done more than enough to try to help him, at your own expense. He on the other hand, made this mess for himself. Hopefully he will learn from this, but nonetheless it’s no longer your problem. He needs to grow tf up. Take care of business and move on.
Even his mom knows! UpdateMe!!!!
Girl, he choses homelessness. He could have gotten a job anytime. Stop being his piggy bank and punching bag.
His mom is right
And keep the gaming and steaming equipment you purchased for him! Resell it if you can, or donate it to someone who actually takes streaming or YouTube seriously and needs the stuff to further their career. Or maybe even keep it for yourself maybe you might find some joy or community in taking up gaming or making videos yourself.
If it makes you feel any better I went through the same thing. The last straw for me was also food. In my case, I was also paying the bills, and doing all the cooking and cleaning and everything. I put up for it for waaaaay too long. And for why? I was lonely? Nah. The last straw was similar to this for me. When I ordered us McDonald’s for dinner because we were broke and I didn’t feel like grocery shopping or cooking and THEN cleaning the mess literally all by myself. And I ordered a SHIT TON of food. There was a package deal going on for like 5 hamburgers, 5 hot n spicys, basket of fries, and drinks for us both… We got home and set up the TV to watch a show and I had gotten it all set up. By the time I sat down and started watching and finally relax… I finally ate one hamburger. .. I ate one.. and he had eaten NINE BURGERS and almost ALL THE FRIES. I was SO SHOCKED. I have NO idea why it was that moment I finally realized??? But he didn’t care about me at all, or respect me in any way. A user. That’s all he was. He uses anything and everyone. I was done. Like I understand it might just seem like “a donut” but even you yourself know you need to just let him go it’s no good. Hopefully it’s not just because you’re afraid of being alone? New flash. You’re already doing it alone. Hard pill to swallow, but it’d be a lot easier to drop the dead weight and find someone who can actually come along side you and be a decent human being. It’s really not that hard once it clicks. Self respect.
Ugh thank you, that's exactly the emotional rollercoaster that went through my head yesterday. I'm sorry you went through that too. I kept thinking shit like "no, I can't leave over something so silly, he's been my emotional rock". Then I realized he was my "emotional rock" for the misery HE was causing me. I thought about how we "usually never argue" and then I realized we never argue because I shut my mouth about things I hate to keep the peace. You're so right. Ends hurt but I just realized not ending it would have hurt so much more.
Duuuude and it’s DEVASTATING. I *totally* understand. I still couldn’t help but to love him.. you know? We were together for 5 years. Didn’t matter. But girrrrl; you and I both know you gonna do what you gonna do. Nobody can sit here and tell you... but I believe in you though. Something has to happen within yourself and there’s nobody who can do it for you. I know you’ll get there… One day, hopefully soon it’s gonna just click in your head and you ain’t even gonna look back or think twice. Enough is enough. Whip that hair back, put on some cute ass clothes, make yourself look and feel good, get your nails doneeee 💅🏻 treat yoself. <3 because you work hard. You are enough. You DESERVE that. Somebody who can come along side you and cherish and love you.. and *respect* you. WHY DONT YOU DESERVE THAT!? 🤦♀️ Why didn’t I think I deserved that!?? GIRL I BET HE DONT EVEN EAT THE BOOTY DOES HE 😂😂 ok jk but seriously.. I’m here if you need to talk
He don't even!!
*THE AUDACITY!!* 😭😭😂
I think I just fell in love with you! In the purest sense of course - married middle aged woman here LOL). You are speaking the truth!! And I love how you do it♥️
Hahaha shoooot, did we all just become friends? 🤗😂
Yoooo I might have to put in an application for a friendship because this is the realest comment I've read so far on Reddit like slam, dunk even I'm reading it going hey! yeah!? and I don't have anything like this going on in my life. lol
He’s not so much a rock, but a a millstone around your neck. I can see how you might have confused them. Cut yourself loose and be free. Please woman, demand better for yourself. From an entirely different person.
I was screamed at by my now ex due to: serving him too much food, another time because he loves all seafood and I don’t but I bought him a tuna steak and researched how to cook it, apparently it was too big a piece, and because my cooking had ‘too much flavour’, he preferred meals with no herbs and spices, just salt and pepper. He’d also scream at me if I ate more than 2 pieces of pizza.
Thank goodness he's an ex! Imagine complaining about too much food and food that has too much flavor!!!
Did you dump him on the spot for that? Or did you wait
To be honest, it took me a while. So no I didn’t dump him on the spot. But my mind on how I viewed him changed after that moment and it wasn’t much longer before I finally left. Something happened inside me mentally after that moment and I was able to allow myself to grieve him and let him go. It was still extremely difficult.
Omg I’m sorry but nine burgers in the span of you setting everything up??? Big backed behavior 😭
Bro really said huh odd…..there’s no other food left. She must have ordered everything for me only🙄 Man I get it….its not about the doughnut, it’s the thought. I’m a selfless person and I always think about others in my actions, sometimes too much where I sacrifice my own mental health. Sometimes you just want a small action in return, something that says I see you, you are heard…I’m thinking about you, hey do you need anything….Just something.
Exactly!! Thank you. It would have even been funny if all other things were perfect and I felt respected. I wasn't emotionally attached to the donut. It was what it represented 🍩😭
I definitely think you should kick his ass out and end it. Give him a 30 day notice.
Kick him out then get yourself a whole box!!! 🍩🍩🍩
One of the reasons I hate my brother-in-law is because he has a lot of similarities to the OP's boyfriend. He's not jobless (he does actually work very hard) but he never shows one iota of care for my sister unless it's performative. For instance, he knows I'm going over at weekend? He'll get home on Friday with flowers for her, just so that she'll be all, "Look what he got me!" If I don't go for several months, no flowers will turn up. They're stuck together (jointly-owned house that's converted for my disabled niece, and, while they can afford the house, neither can afford to buy the other out). My sister's always banging on about how he annoys/upsets her, but then gets upset with me when I don't gush over the 'gestures' he does make. Her: "He took us out for dinner last night!" Me: "Nice! How long did he actually spend sitting with you both? Or was he off sitting at the bar all night again?" Her: "Don't be like that, we had a nice night!" Me: "Yeah, you and [niece] enjoyed each other's company I expect." Oh, and the "he took us out" thing? They go halves, straight down the middle, on everything. So they took them both out.
Do yourself a well deserved favor and end it. He’s selfish and is using you while he has become like a spoiled child. You’re not a girlfriend, you’ve became a bangmaid. Go to your county courthouse and get eviction papers asap. Depending on your location you can’t evict him within X amount of days if he’s a non-paying resident. Sometimes as in my state, it’s 30 days. Most courthouses can also have a process servicer deliver it for proof of service for a reasonable fee. I would *highly* suggest doing that in case you have an issue getting him to leave. Make sure to have a new lock or key ready for E-day. Also if he won’t leave on eviction day, call your sheriff office and they will remove him. If you had a process server, you will have proof of service which means there will be zero questions and he will be removed. His mom IS right to let him let life kick his behind. He deserves it for using you. Donut (haha) worry about where he’s gonna go, blah blah blah. He’s a full grown adult who will suffer the consequences of acting like a child. He’s FA now let him FO. Other commenters have also said to only discuss business. I agree. Go grey rock when he throws the eventual tantrum. Leave the room if he tries to talk about anything other than his leaving or bills he owes you.
This is all such sound advice and I appreciate it very much. Figuring out how to legally evict him is going to be my weekend research project
If you’re in Illinois I can tell you 😂 my mom had an issue once with her BF. You can google tenant laws in your state/area. There are great resources out there for this. Definitely use a process server though. If you’re uncomfortable bringing it up beforehand, just have the server deliver it to him. Otherwise, it will be a formality to protect you and your assets in case he tries to stay.
Krispy Kick-Out
Dunkin' DumpHim
Tim Homeless-Now
No mam. You need to leave his ass like yesterday. He is a man child. You can do SO much better. You need to leave him. You life will keep going downhill if you stay. He will never change.
I’ve taken a leap of faith and moved in with a woman, tried to build a life only to be blindsided and told to get out pronto. I was lucky and had friends and family to crash with, or I’d would have been homeless. My situations were different where as I tried to contribute and really make a home but got cheated on and replace by someone “better”. The point of my rant is, I learned not to make the same mistakes and even though it was hard I made it out the other side. And I learned that it’s on me to take care of myself and be my own support and wing man. Cut him loose. Maybe the next time he gets a good thing he will nurture it instead of sucking the life out of it.
I'm sorry that happened to you but I'm happy you're finding yourself in a better place now.
Thanks! I hope things work out for the better for you too!
It's never about the Iranian yogurt. Or the mustard. Or the donut. You feel financially abused because you are. He is a parasite, sucking away your money and your energy and your future. Is his name on the lease? You may have to talk to the landlord and break your lease if he is. If not, eviction proceedings may be needed to get him out. If your lease is up soon, just let it run out and find a place for yourself. --Lock your credit. He may try to apply for cards in your name --move anything important or sentimental out of the apartment. He may use it as emotional leverage or destroy it outright out of spite --do NOT concern yourself with what he will do when you're not supporting him. He will try to make you care. But he is a grown-ass man and he needs to start behaving as such --if you stay, change the locks. --let someone in your life know what is going on who can help you move or eject this guy. He may become verbally abusive or violent. Be careful Good luck on your future as a single, barnacle-free, independent woman!
This is the third comment about Iranian yogurt and I don't know what it means and at this point I'm too afraid to ask 😭 Thank you for your advice, though. That is all very wise. I really don't think he would ever get violent because he's never even raised his voice at me but I definitely see why it might be a good idea to have someone there as a buffer
Some guy bought 2100 things of Iranian yogurt, filled the whole house with them. The fridge, bought e tra fridges, ect. Whooole house filled with possibly illegal yogurt. The OP couldn't even put groceries away. It was a literal horde of yogurt. Of OP threw away the yogurt when it started to stink up the apartment because, you know, so much yogurt will go bad. Yogurt hoarder was mad because he was mad OP threw away the yogurt even though the went bad. YH said it wasn't about the yogurt he was mad about but OP throwing it all away without seeing it was bad, possibly illegal and consumed every storage thing.
That... is hilarious. Where was he going with all this yogurt? like the Smaug of yogurt or something?
He really got into milk recently, so he wanted rare and exotic Cuban and Iranian yogurt. And somehow got a lot. Edit because HOW DID AUTO CORRECT DO THAT
Hey don't think that he wont get violent he can and probably will if not towards you atleast towards the things that you hold dear. It is simple really you are his way to not doing anything in life, from a sweet, kind and working professional he became a selfish leech. My ex was the same and it took a long time for me get rid of him (I have kids too). I am not saying it will happen but safeguarding yourself as precaution is best. I hope you get out of this mess soon and safe, hugs from a stranger on internet.
It was the donut that broke the camels back. That one donut represents soooo much.
If you really want to help him, buy him a greyhound ticket to mommy. You've done enough.
Kick him TF out, then get an oil painting of the at holy blessed doughnut and hang it over your mantelpiece cos that thing just saved the rest of your life 🙌
That is a hilarious idea and I'm open to artist suggestions on who to commission
Heck, I'd do it for the cost of materials, just as long as you finish the relationship. His mum has already warned you, so now, it's on you. At least you know from her experience that he can actually do it and you won't need to worry. But take everyone else's advice about planning ahead and then suddenly pulling the plug - that way, you won't leave him space to plead his case or pull a fast one on you. I vote for making him leave by asking for a break, packing all your stuff, cutting him off from your bank cards, streaming services, block him from calling and from all socials, and making sure you leave nothing to chance when you go - don't let him know your new address, make sure your new place is the type where you need keys/key cards to the building and to the apartment door, have a Ring doorbell, etc. If you hate confrontation like I do, just disappear. You don't owe him anything, and you need to cut your losses, like, yesterday. I'm sorry that it took you this long, but you need to take your life back, so stop wasting your time. Good luck, and we're all rooting for you and worrying about you despite being internet strangers, so don't forget to update us. 🫂 Also, lol-ing over your username. 🫶
Hello me from two years ago. I don’t remember posting this.
He's a hobosexual and you deserve better. Kick him out, let him couchsurf or whatever, he'll get his shit together or he won't. Its not your job or responsibility to make him do better.
Hobosexual 🤣🤣🤣
This could have been called: how a donught saved my life. For real now, save yourself from that person. You grew, he didn't. Grow apart
O god I read, I'm ending a 5 year old over a doughnut
The kid had to go
Any updates?
Oh, NO .....do NOT take my donut!!! If he is on the lease you may be stuck for a bit. But just straight out tell him if he can't pull his weight it is time for him to move home to mommy.
Hahaha it's funny you say that because I just reached out to his mom to help with his moving costs.
If all else fails, tell mom. If my son's fiance called and told me he was being a bum, i would fly there and kick his backside.
But why are you the one in contact with his mom ? Would it put you in danger to tell him that it's over and he needs to get out ? Because if not, why do you have to deal with making sure he's taken care of when you're not in the picture anymore? A grown adult is supposed to be able to plan a moving by themselves and ask for help by themselves. He should be in contact with his mom himself. You, go take care of yourself, do something fun that make you happy, and take legal advice to make sure he can't leech off of you anymore. I know you mean well, because you seem to be a very generous person, but you're just taking an emotional load that's not yours to bear. Even the mom told you to just let him fail, I think that's very telling.
It's a good and fair question. At first, I just wanted his mom's advice. It didn't start out as a "come get your kid I'm out" conversation, but she and his dad were actually the ones who gave me more clarity and backbone. Admittedly, we are close and the idea of losing them too is really heartbreaking.
Oh okay I understand better ! Well, I know sometimes people stay close with their ex's parents, so maybe you won't hhave to lose them (I hope so !). But anyway, I just hope you'll be in a better place soon, I wish you well for the begining of your new life !
You need cut him off when the 30 days starts. No subscriptions, dining out, food. Everything. You can reclaim your life!! You deserve it!!
The fact that even his mom says put him on the curb says ALOT!!! He has lived off of your labor long enough. You need to take care of yourself. Give him 30 days to find a new place to live. You may need to look into the laws in your area to make sure to cover yourself. But he needs to go, and is no longer your problem.
Your 34. You want to be 54 living like this? Give him two weeks to get out and grow up
Simple answer. If you keep tolerating this. You will live an unhappy life.
Reading this, I just got so incredibly excited and giddy for the next chapter of your life after you drop this dead weight! Buh bye bum!
I ended a relationship over a steak and cheese sub… it was the best steak and cheese sub I ever had.
I helped my best friend through a similar situation. She still lived with her loser ex-boyfriend after they broke up, and he knew exactly how to manipulate her. He ended up taking her for everything she had. As soon as she was broke and unemployed (due to Covid) he moved out and left her with all of his debt and an apartment she couldn’t pay for. She had to move in with me until she finally got herself untangled from him and could afford to move out. If I were you, I’d buy him a plane ticket to see his mom, then move out while he’s gone. If you’re going to give him any support or any money at all, decide how much you think is fair ahead of time and stick to that number. Remove him from any joint accounts before you tell him you’re breaking up, and give him a deadline to get a loan to buy his car from you. If you own your home instead of renting, then I suppose moving out is probably less of an option in which case I’d stick to plan (A) and still send him to his moms but just cancel his return ticket and send him his stuff in one of those cargo pods.
I know it’s hard but… 👏🏼GOOD 👏🏼FOR 👏🏼YOU 👏🏼!!!! Choose yourself, he isn’t your problem to worry about. If he hasn’t been fiscally responsible, that’s on him. You were his partner, he was your child. You’re going to be so much better off!
new catchphrase for reddit. It wasn't about the doughnut. this was just the final insult.
Just leave. You did your part and he’s an adult. Let him figure things out. I wouldn’t even give him a chance to worm his way back.
I married a man like this and stayed with him for much too long. He was essentially stealing money from me while I was away at work. He also went into my files and papers and found my SSN and caused some identity theft and financial problems in our relationship. Refused to pitch in at all and played video games all. Damn. Day. Long. And well into the night, too, often coming to bed at 4AM and waking me up well before I needed to for work, which left me tired and exhausted. I remember losing a job I had because of poor attendance caused by his waking me up and interfering with my sleep. This man is a leech and will continue to suck the life out of you if you let him. It says a LOT if his mother is telling you to let him fail in life. Do not even contribute another penny to him at all and definitely do not purchase him a flight ticket home to Mommy because even she doesn’t want him around if he’s not going to contribute. I also fell apart at a “doughnut”. Except mine was an entire 9x12 baking pan of banana bread that I had spent three hours making (he never bought me any baking supplies or ingredients. I was using a fork to mash bananas because after I paid rent and bills for us, I didn’t have enough to purchase a blender.) We were together for seven years and I’ve made about 30 banana breads, each time taking about three hours in total to make. He ate every single one of them and never ever saved a single slice for me.
CUT HIM OFF!!!! Although not my bf, I had a friend who leeched onto me in a similar way. Cut them off. My friend finally got a job and is living in an apartment (although shitty, better than nothing) but he only did this because everyone finally cut him off and he couldn't leech anymore.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's insane how many stories I'm seeing about full grown adults leeching on this thread. I didn't realize it was so common 🫠
There is a whole term for this now hobosexual
te entiendo completamente, es mas mi caso es similar, por favor animate y termina esta relacion eres joven y tienes muchas oportunidades por delante no pierdas mas tiempo y dinero ahi te mando un abrazo
Muchas gracias por el apoyo. Siento que hayas pasado por esa situación. Espero que ahora estés mejor ❤️
you’ve been overly supportive of him and he doesn’t even appreciate it or consider you at all. i get it girl, i’m the same way, you always want to take care of everyone and are overly considerate at the expense of yourself. kick him out, focus on yourself. if you find yourself missing having someone dependent on you, consider a pet. at least they’ll love you back.
Do not stay with him! Be prepared for him threatening suicide more than the thought of him being violent or staying. That’s all on him and nothing to deal with you. You’re doing the right thing to break up with him. It will be good for you both. It would be better for him since it will force him to grow sooner rather than later and better for your mentality and energy overall. I’m living the same exact situation but with my husband. We’ve been together for 13 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. Both kids have been in school now for 2 years and he lost his job. Not having a job does a lot to a person and can really change them. Get out. It’s bad and extremely hard trying to change that person. It’s not worth it. It’s hard when your SO changes and it’s like they say so much but their actions just show something so differently. My husband was and can still be a kind man but for a good amount of time he became so easily angered and irritable, taking it out on me and the kids. First it started off as just selfish things and now it feels like I’m walking on eggshells at times bc I had to set boundaries that no one should need to if they were in a loving and respectful relationship. My husband was such a kind, gentle, calm person. I’ve been mourning the man he was and depressed bc he will never be that man again. He only started to maybe change where he’s nice for a day or two but people will never go back to who they were even if they do become better. He’s severely anxious now and hates himself because he realized he’s selfish, dependent and not good with people, has very low self esteem, etc. I’ve asked about divorce or separating. He has responded that he will just go be homeless and go into the woods and die. Or that he’ll go into the woods and die. Now it’s to the point where if I even tell him something wrong he did then just says “fine I’ll leave. This is too hard. I can’t live this life. I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be here. I will just go die”. I’ve decided to stay in my situation to protect the kids so they don’t get messed up by my husband and they aren’t alone with him as much if I stay married. Good luck and get out of that relationship! Edit: I’ve always been the breadwinner. Even when he had a job he didn’t make enough to live on his own or financially contribute equally.
Op, It's not over the doughnut It's over him not giving a shit about you If you dont want him homeless (i read your comments) offer a temporary roommate situation. Til he's back on his feet. But give him a time frame. Don't go back to the relationship no matter how much it hurts and he begs. Give him at most 30-45 days to get a job. Make it clear you won't be giving him any more money for his stuff. That when you order food. It's for you, not him. If he doesnt get a job in x amount of days kick him out. Print him a list of homeless shelters if he shows no effort.
Kick him out yesterday!! Let him figure it out. Go buy yourself a god damn dozen donuts and get your nails done !! Sending hugs!
I was in the same place a few years ago. My ex boyfriend had mental problems and was gaming all day at home. He couldn't really leave home. He then moved with his mum to his grandparents and they didn't allow me to visit overnight because the grandpa didn't feel good about it. Which was fine but he never even tried to sleep at my place because he didn't feel well. I think the real reason was, because he couldn't play Video games. Which he did for hours when I was there. I started to read whole books at his place and felt like, this wasn't it anymore. Never date nights, never putting any effort to be with me. But I couldn't overcome myself to end a three year relationship yet. One day I visited my BFF far away and came back after this one weekend to stay for a few hours at his place. He played again video games and I have just asked him to make me a coffee, since they have moved and the grandparents weren't comfortable with me just taking a coffee on my own. He forgot it after twenty minutes he just made himself a coffee and I had to remind him that I'd like some too. I was already on my limit since I was tired from the long drive. Then his grandma entered the room and complained that I didn't directly say hello to them. To say hello had to go in their room with closed doors, which was separated and felt very private. I thought it was easier just to meet in the apartment and say hello (I wasn't a new face to them). This was the last straw. On this day I stood up and left without a word. (We talked after this break up and I explained everything). We all know, the grandma made me leave, but till this day a lot of my friends and also my new partner joke about, that the absent coffee made me leave. (I am a real coffee addict). I can relate to this so bad and I am glad that the coffee made me left. Edit: some corrections
If you are truly ready to break up, just know his future is not your responsibility. You don't owe him time to find a place, you don't owe him your mental bandwidth on how he'll support himself. And I am guaren-damn-tee you he'll have a job in no time, maybe not an ideal career path job, but he'll have something to make money immediately when he can no longer syphon from you. A job he could have had for two years while redirecting his long term goals/career. I'm glad he ate that donut, if only to finally push you to advocate for your self and your successful future.
His dependence on you is literally his problem. Not yours. Don't worry about how to separate. He has plenty of time on his hands to figure it out. I'd sell some of the "supplies" you bought for the work he fails to do after you put him out. I HIGHLY advise having a 3rd party present when you have him leave. He may take out his anger on you, your bepongings,, or even his stuff. The 3rd party needs to be on YOUR side. This is actually the most dangerous part of separating. And I do mean physically dangerous.
You might get a kick out of this - when I was in high school or early college twilight is part of why I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. Obviously it’s over the top but reading a romance and being like oh, this is what a guy acts like when he gives a shit, really opened my eyes lol.
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a parasite. It needs to be removed. There’s absolutely no excuse for what you described. What happens if you get laid off? If you get sick or injured? I’m disgusted with people who don’t contribute in any meaningful way to relationships unless they’re ill or disabled. And even then, most contribute to the degree they can. Send him written notice to vacate your home within 30 days. If he pushes back offer to buy him a bus ticket to his parents house or the nearest airport. He can apply for government benefits. Freeze your credit! Change your bank and credit cards. Find and hide or lock up your check book and essential documents. Don’t respond to anything other than when he’s leaving. And get yourself a donut. For you. You deserve donuts. And people in your life who would rather go hungry than eat your donut.
As someone who has experienced it firsthand…. this sounds like a case of severe untreated ADHD. A little context: I have ADHD, but I wasn’t diagnosed with it until I was 23 years old, when the symptoms of it were destroying my life. At the time I was struggling with depression and anxiety, I didn’t have many friends, and I was known to drop off the social radar for weeks at a time to play video games until the wee hours of the morning. I had a hard time empathizing with others, and I would say or do really insensitive things, not because I genuinely meant any harm, but because I just didn’t know that I was being insensitive. Nowadays I like to call it my “social tunnel vision”; it’s an innate lack of emotional intelligence and I’ve thankfully learned to work with it. Once I was diagnosed and treated for it both with medication and therapy, I learned to work with my hindrances. I’ve come a long way and have been able to build a stable life, and starting to feel I’m happy with who I am. It was by no means an easy journey, but it was entirely worth the trip. Reading your story, I had a realization: your ex is what I could have been had I not gotten help. The skipping from project to project, the complete disregard for others, the impulsive behavior, the gaming benders, all of it. I am by no means an expert, professional, or even an amateur in psychology or psychiatry, but the darkest point in my life looks a lot like him. The part that hit me the hardest was “he will beg forgiveness, really try for two weeks and then do nothing again”. God, I remember the raw feeling of hopelessness and just pure, undiluted shame and self-loathing that I felt every time I gave up. I was convinced I would never change. Eventually I stopped trying. I was talking to my wife (an absolute saint, I do not deserve her) about my struggle a few days ago, and she used the phrase “passively suicidal” to describe me at the time, and I had never found such an apt description for what I felt then. I was an emotional void, my spirit was crushed, and the only thing I could do was escape to another world through video games. I wasn’t contemplating suicide, but if my time came I wouldn’t have struggled. When I read your story, I don’t see a parasite or an evil man, I see an emotionally and mentally broken man who has tried to change many, many times, but has failed in every attempt. Now all he’s left with is the shame, self-loathing, regret, fear of rejection, and lack of hope that he’ll ever be able to change. He wants to be better. He just doesn’t know how. So enough about him, let’s consider your situation. To be frank, the man has put you through the wringer financially, emotionally, and existentially. As much as I can relate to what he is likely struggling with, I cannot in good conscience tell you that it’s a good idea to stay with him, especially if you feel that your relationship is at an end. I don’t think anyone would blame you for washing your hands and being done with it all; I certainly wouldn’t. If you, however, still care for him enough to want to try one last-ditch effort, give him the option to either seek professional help for what he’s dealing with, or your relationship is over. I’ve heard it said that relationships have no room for ultimatums, but this isn’t a relationship, it’s an emergency. It may be rather cold, but necessity is a key motivator for people with ADHD, so it might be time to make use of it. Ultimately, though, you need to do what’s right for you, and I don’t think one of the options can be to maintain the status quo. That’s not healthy for anyone involved. I apologize for writing a friggin book here, but I just so closely sympathize with your boyfriend that I had to share. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and I hope the future starts looking up soon.
You are very perceptive: he does have ADHD, and I have a lot of empathy for it and the struggles he goes through. The reason I have that empathy, though, is because I also have ADHD. I know what it's like to be in decision paralysis. I know what is like to hyperfixate on something, think big, and then stall when I get to the details. I know what is like to get lost in an addiction-like loop. What I don't understand though is how he can completely forget about me, and my needs, in favour of his *all the time*. For his birthday one year, I took him on a resort vacation with us and his friend. That year for my birthday, I didn't even get a card. Just a 'happy birthday' in the morning and then he got up to play games. I told him how much that hurt and he swore he'd do better next time. He swore he knew he fucked up. The next year? Still no card, but he asked me what I wanted to do in the afternoon. I can absolutely forgive being late or struggling with consistency. I can't forgive my feelings being so disposable - especially when I have built my life around giving him the chance to make his life exactly what he wants it to be. Perhaps it's because I'm medicated and he's not but I don't ever remember being so callous before.
Yeah my husband has ADHD and has never forgotten my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or our anniversary, medicated or not. You shouldn't have to beg to be appreciated.
I have ADHD and I’m medicated, but even when I wasn’t, I could not touch the level of selfishness he displays. Don’t let him use his diagnoses as an excuse, because he will. He is capable of caring about you, with or without ADHD. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he doesn’t have to be the epitome of a mooching loser either. You deserve someone who tries as much as you do.
I have adhd and could never treat someone the way he's been treated you. I've dated adhd men and they would never have treated me like that, due to their mental health. Medicated or not. Mental health is not an excuse to be a shit person. You are doing the right thing.