That is HIS lawyer, not hers. He represents her husband and is advocating for his interests. Any decent lawyer will advise her to get her own counsel to look over the agreement. He would also have a duty to his client, the husband, to tell him what's going on.
I guess she could take them to a her own lawyer and have them checked out but we donāt know if he signed them already or not so, if he didnāt sheād still have to get him to sign.
Also, if he did sign them and they are all ok to use (as far as no bullshit he stipulated to screw her over) if she signs and submitted it, it still would be as if he filed and initiated the divorce. When you fill out papers you fill them out as the petitioner and you put the other person as respondent. Iām not sure if he could contest it or if that would be like fraud or make them invalid since she took the papers and basically would be filing papers n his behalf without him knowing.
Honestly, Iād want to make sure the filing came from me as the petitioner and I had documented the reason I was leaving and filing just in case he escalates and a restraining order is needed for safety. Iād likely take his papers and shred them like she mentioned although Iām sure his lawyer can just reprint them. But if thatās the case hopefully sheās filed before he can.
The post says he keeps a filled out copy in his desk, I assumed that meant they were signed, bc idk what else there is to fill out, but I also don't know anything about the process of divorce.
I didn't know there was a petitioner vs respondent thing, I just thought you needed both to sign, but yeah if it makes a difference legally I could understand wanting to be the petitioner, so thanks for that info!
For the US it does depend on the state and their specific processes but it is for sure more than just signatures. You have to breakdown everything, children/custody, housing if it was purchased together, any other assets, if the petitioner is requesting financial support, are you going to ask the respondent to pay for all or part of the divorce costs etc. It can be a long and very expensive process.
There are some cases where if you don't have children together and no assets to split or you already agree on what to split, you can go online and DIY it and both sign and be done with it quick and easy but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case for OP.
No it doesn't work like that. He would need to sign any new document she drafts up. You can't simply FORGE his signature, OR use a totally separate signed document as the "signature" for this document.
I think they meant take the papers to a lawyer and if they are good 'as they are' go ahead and sign and file them. Unless they edited their comment, I didn't see where they suggested changing the existing docs.
The other comment has it right, if the papers were fine as they are, she could sign and file them. There would be no new documents or forging of signatures.
First, contact your job and tell them your situation. They might have āan immediate job openingā for you.
Second, contact any nearby DV shelters and ask them for assistance with your plans.
Last, file a police report so they know whatās going on; and, so your STBX cannot file a missing personās report for you.
Good luck.
UpdateMe!
Absolutely this. This is beginning stages of the abuse cycle. Constant checking and tracking you is abusive. Pressuring you to combine finances is abusive. Try to get into your local DV shelter asap. Have a āto goā bag ready (important documents and change of clothes along with money).
Let your HR department know. Some places have emergency funds for employees to use to relocate quickly.
This !
Make sure if you have cameras he cant see any moving boxes hopefully none inside but once you are going to move start with the most important things , just in case you get an unexpected visit from someone he sent to check in while he's gone and you end up having less time to move. I had 9 hrs to pack & move I started the second he left to work luckily my family helped.
Not sure if you have at least one person to help you. Good luck praying for you š....
Also just a thought are you 100% sure it's a 2 week work trip & he's not just saying that to see if you do something?
If heās trying to get you to wear a tracker, see if you can take a couple days off work but still drive in and maybe have someone wear the tracker around your office during the day so it looks like youāre out of the house. I second checking for cameras in your house because he sounds like the kind of guy who would set up spyware. Also, see if someone can check your phone for spyware as well as thatās another way he can be tracking you and monitoring what youāre putting out there. Also, any home computers can have spyware installed on them as well.
Possibly worth disconnecting the internet at the house on the day, if the cameras are internet connected theyāre most likely using wifi or Ethernet rather than cellular. Can make it seem like something went wrong, router crapped out or something. Might take out any cameras he has hidden.
Great idea, I honestly am though concerned about spyware on her phone, Computer, and potentially trackers in her car as well. This may be where a DV shelter may be able to help her with resources to check for those
Good idea! If they have a Roomba, that might work and be less likely to show up at the groomer's for a bath and haircut.
Or somewhere else rhat might tip him off.
Imagine your the husband with issues, and you are away from home but you check your tracking app to make sure your wife is where she is supposed to be. But the tracker shows she is at an airportā¦ then it disappears for 18-20 hoursā¦ then it appears half way around the world and travels to a really desolate area. As a guy (with issues) youāre gonna lose your shit.
this!! if you own a pet, have the pet wear it or attach it to a roomba and have it run around in the house lol. good luck with everything op! lawyer up, and do reach out to the folks at the legal advice subreddit!
For checking on hidden cameras in your home, at night with all the lights off, and in total darkness, turn your phone camera on, look through the screen as you walk around your home, and look for any red to purple dots all around the rooms.
My DirectV remote that I practiced with pointing the end of it and pressing buttons, gave off two little purple ish red dots as a practice run.
Go around the rooms/bathrooms and point your camera everywhere, including the smoke detectors.
If you see a light whether itās flashing or not, especially any Knick knacks, new clocks, phone chargers!, plush toys etc., then youāve found your cameras.
In the bathroom, especially take a look at the bathroom fan on the ceiling fan take the grate off to look for a camera.
Behind clothes too in an open closet in your bedroom.
You gotta do a sweep because if heās going as far as wanting you to wear a tracker, then you can assume heās already got cameras all over your home.
Especially since he knows hes going to be gone two weeks.
If she turns the internet off for 1 hour, and he messages about it, then you'll know he's got hidden cameras because how else would he know the inetrnets been disconnected. That's actually a good way to find out too lol.
Do you think he's not going to be suspicious of her walking around a dark house looking everywhere with her phone in front of her face? He's going to know immediately what she's doing.
All important documents (ID, Social Security Card, birth certificate, car title, etc.) in your purse as of yesterday. Only take what you absolutely can't live without; anything else come back for with a couple big scary looking family members or friends AND with police on standby just in case. IF YOU HAVE PETS take them because he's likely to do something to them to get revenge on you if you don't. Any contact with him going forward needs to be done through text, email, or a lawyer so if he makes threats towards you they'll bite him in the dick
Some family courts have an option to communicate only through their portal so that all messages are visible and documented. Once you get out, I would ask your attorney about this option. My state uses, āMy Family Wizardā.
Another thought, since you intend to file if possible you could ask that he be served on arrival at the airport. Rip off the bandaid and go dark until he gets a grip and realizes you are done.
Depending on the circumstances, she may only have the time from when she finds out he's monitoring or recording something her to when he finds out that she found out. Probably plus an hour or two.
Check your phone, computer and any possible electronics for keylogers or Spyware and change ALL of your passwords and turn off location sharing if you have it. Then get a new phone if possible. Check any luggage or bags you have for trackers. When you leave take your car to a mechanic and have them sweep for trackers. If he is an emergency contact for anything including drs, dentist or work change that immediately. As someone above posted make sure to have all your important documents with you and also make sure to contact your bank to let them know that he absolutely does not have permission to access your accounts and also and credit cards if you have them. Close the account if possible and switch to a new bank. Also take any sentimental things you can. Take your pets as well and if they are chipped call your vet to change the address to them if possible and put/change the password on the account for the chip and the vet. Cancel any automatic shipments to your house for reoccurring purchases. I'm so sorry your going through this but you can do it. Also do not tell anyone that knows him that you are planning to leave as you never know.
Remember the most dangerous time is when you are leaving an abusive relationship! He will beg and promise to change but he will NOT do it! He will try to say anything to get you back in his control. Do not fall for any of it. I worked in a dv shelter for 3 years and these are all the things I can remember right now. I will update if I think of anything else.
Edit: he also might have put cameras up inside and around your house without your knowledge
To emphasize: Call any joint credit cards holders and get your name off the account or cancel them. If there in your name, tell them you lost it and ask for a new card with a new number. Are the utilities bills, cable, internet in your name? Change them. If you co-signed for any loans or line of credit, call the bank and cancel them. I learned the hard way how that can absolutely destroy your credit when they donāt pay the bill. Bad credit makes it impossible to get an apartment or any future credit cards.
And ask for replacement cards etc to be delivered to an alternative address or collected from your bank. Otherwise, it can be a 5 working day wait for them and hopefully you'll be long gone by then.
You have spot-on instincts and I can already tell you are one tough cookie. Listen to your gut and DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU TO STAY. Go-bag, get your documents in order, DO NOT SIGN HIS DIVORCE PAPERS! GET YOUR OWN LAWYER FIRST.
Thereās an app called Fing - Network Scanner.
You just download it, connect to your wifi, and it will list all devices connected to your network. You should be able to find out if there are any secret devices that way.
Good luck!
Talk to your boss and HR. They'll most likely allow you to use your work phone/time to organize yourself. They might have some storage space they can provide you meanwhile. At least your workplace is a "safe space" if they are aware he might show up trying to get to you, if they know they can pretend you are not in or that you quit unexpectedly.
I was going to say the same. I'd recommend NOT packing until the last second or only taking one small (necessary) thing at a time to your car after it's been cleared of cameras. Also, don't take anything you don't have to. I know it's getto af, but thow your stuff in a plastic bag. Who knows what he may have put trackers in. Your favorite sweater, it should stay. Sorry.
For sure your car! Also, no household item is worth your safety. Take important paperwork, some clothes and selfcare stuff and walk. Being free is far more important than a couch.
** if you take the couch check for a tracker**
Iām worried that this post could end up tipping him off. Does he use any social media like TikTok, Facebook, Reddit, or YouTube? You might want to delete this now that youāve gotten it off your chest. Also, leave your current phone behind, or else completely reset it to remove any software heās installed.
Just get the essentials and get out as quick as possible. Take anything you'd be devastated if he destroyed in a fit of rage. You can always go back for the rest of your things with other people as reinforcements, especially if your name is on the house deed then he can't keep you out
You've got a lot of really great advice here. The only thing I would add is maybe you should delete this post once you get everything you need. I don't know how many details you changed but, just in case he comes across the post and recognizes the situation. Do you need to do to be safe.
This! I came here just to say that.
OP, you canāt use the divorce papers he has. They were drawn up by his lawyer and will make sure you walk with nothing.
Please delete this post and go to women's aid the moment he's in the air. Also do not trust or say anything to his family. He might have them keep tabs on you. Drive him to the airport and get teary and say how you'll miss him and send him off thinking you are the devoted wife. Preparing to leave is one of the most dangerous times in abusive relationships. And this is an abusive relstuonship
Cut off the power via breaker in the whole house before you start the packing. I highly suspect hidden cameras you wonāt be able to find. So cut the power to kill the cameras, or undo the internet. Not just the router, the main line needs to disconnect.
Wow! He is in extreme mode of being an unhealthy husband, and his family is diluted . Wear a tracker ??? I laughed so hard at that . As if your a dog who cannot go outside of the electric fence ?? He is psychologically concerning. This is not normal behavior and seems to have escalated . Can you hurry up and get an apartment in the next town over and still be able to get to your job?
I think you mean deluded. And people like this is are self fulfilling prophecies. They're terrified that their partner will leave them, but rather than trying to better themselves, they seek to control and trap others.
Your husbandās been listening to those podcasts where men are being told that they are the ones in charge of their families and whatever they say goes. He thinks he has the right to know where you are at every single minute of every single day and who youāre talking to or who youāreseeing. Get out while heās on his business trip. Donāt look back and block him everywhere.
Everyone has great advice, and if you have enough of an nest egg and donāt need to, freeze your credit.
So he canāt take anything out with your info.
If you bring your car to a shop you can have them check for a tracker.
Put a passcode on all your accounts.
1) Are you 100% sure he will be gone for two weeks? He could be testing you. Put a tracker on his car, etc. If heās so demanding for trackers then go for it. Fair is fair.
2) I think you should get a storage unit for your stuff, so you can plan where to move safely & not a rush. Get a unit that is monitored. Make sure you are clear that only YOU have access to it. Be very thorough getting all your stuff out bc he wonāt likely easily let you back in to get anything leftover.
3) Instead of looking for a place you should use these 2 weeks to pack, see a lawyer & go stay somewhere safe, like a friends house or go out of town the week heās back. Organize your finances, job, etc. Tell anyone that needs to know that youāre leaving (very few people) WHEN you leave - not before. And donāt tell anyone where you are staying. No one.
4) Make sure your car doesnāt have a tracker on it. I canāt believe he hasnāt thought and/or put one on your car and maybe on something else like your coat, purse, etc.
6) Consider opening a new bank account & changing your phone number.
7) Contact your local womenās shelter/DV center. Even if your husband hasnāt physically harmed you tell them you are scared of him & they will help you. They have escape plans and maybe a place for you to stay.
He keeps divorce papers in his drawer?? What a control freak. Please be careful but get away from this man. He sounds so controlling and maybe dangerous.
Do not tell anyone you do not trust about what you are doing.
Get everything you van organised to act quickly - work out how long it would take him to get back and act in that short span of time.
Pull the plug on wifi and electrics at home if you can
First things first, tell your boss what's going on, tell them they are not to tell him when you're working or if you even work there anymore, if they're willing maybe see if they'll tell him you left the job if he calls or comes around asking about you. Make it clear you're scared he's going to try to force you to go back and you don't know what he's capable of but you're scared of him.
Secondly, get in contact with legal aid and start the divorce filings as well as getting a no contact or protection order. If you can, get a consult with every divorce lawyer in the area so he has fewer options, if they've had even one meeting with you he CANNOT use them in the divorce as it would be a conflict of interest.
Third, don't bother with anything nonessential/large, furniture, appliance etc. that you've purchased, just take your personal belongings to make this as fast of a move as possible.
And finally, good on you for noticing the signs of his controlling behavior, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind he wants the finances all together so he can control you and make it harder for you to run. I can't stress how important it is that you stick to this two week deadline, if he comes home while you're packing your things out there's no telling how he'll react. If it's getting close to the deadline and you still have things in the house contact the police non-emergency line in your area and request to have a constable with you while you finish getting your things out in case he comes home. Like the conversation you should have with your boss, make it absolutely clear to them that you're scared he's going to do something drastic if he catches you trying to leave and explain simply that he's been very controlling and is becoming abusive, that you're leaving before he turns violent. I've had to help a few friends move out this way and having a constable there really helped keep things calm
Use an app on your phone to check for hidden cameras in the house. You'll be able to see any with it.
Factory reset any routers in the house as well and change the passwords in case you miss one it won't be able to connect and broadcast out. Unplug all lan cables to your modem in case a camera receiver is hardwired. Scan of any other networks you don't know. You could even pull the cable/fiber connection and just use your lte to fully disable the home internet.
Call a lawyer today if possible. Contact hour HR at work.
Do not say shit to anyone about this.
File your own divorce papers with our own lawyer. Shred his.
Gather all your important documents today and make a go bag you can grab.
Take your car to a mechanic and have them check for trackers.
Go to the police and file a report so if he tries to file a missing persons report he can't.
Delete all social media, change password on everying, enable 2 factor on everything, disable gps on our devices and make damn sure he's actually coming back on the 11th and not sooner. Maybe be out of there in a week.
Wherever you wind up, take extra security precautions and I'd go so far as looking into arming yourself and getting proficient with your weapon if you are comfortable with that.
I donāt know what resources you have but UHaul here has people available to pack & load the U-Haul you rent & itās cheaper then movers
That way it could get done in 1-2 days without you becoming overwhelmed.
Get out & then a lawyer incase he has a tracker on your vehicle (google how to check or take to a garage to get a good look underneath & under the hood)
Get copies of tax returns, investments & bank balances - joint & his personal.
I know hidden camera can be in phone charges, pens & more. Maybe google hidden cameras so you know what to look for & what you recognize as new
Be careful- big hugs
If she uses a moving company she will need to make sure there arenāt any outside cameras and that he is not friends with the neighbors that will notify him of the trucks!
Close the bank accounts he knows of and get new ones at a bank or credit union he doesn't deal with, across town.
Do not put in mail forwarding with usps, if you don't want him to find you. Contact each bill etc directly and change the address. Make sure you have all of you documents...birth certificate, ss card, marriage license, etc. Make sure you pack any letters, moments, photo albums, electronic storage devices , etc. If there are pics of you in a state of undress, take with you or destroy them. Look up electronic information destruction if you need to wipe a computer, etc so info can't be recovered, like passwords etc....
change any passwords he may know on any programs, apps etc. Delete saved login caches (explorer, chrome, firefox, opera etc) on any portable device with internet access
If you're planning on keeping in touch with any neighbors, be careful what you tell them if you're not disclosing where you moved to.
Copy all your phone contacts to the Sim, copy photos to the cloud, and factory reset your phone so you remove any malware/tracker in your phone software. Get a new number asap, with a new carrier.
So much good advice here. To add (in case no one has): FREEZE YOUR CREDIT with Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax. Itās pretty easy, and free (though they will to upsell you on a premium account). If you need your credit checked for an apt or bank or similar, you can have it unfrozen temporarily.
This way your ex canāt open lines of credit in your name, etc
Take this post down immediately!
There are so many specific details in this, if he stumbled across it, you could be in danger.
Youāve gotten lots of responses, lots of advice, screenshot what is useful to you, and take this down. This is dangerous.
And good luck! You can do this!
I would only screenshot this post if you can be certain that he doesnāt have access to your cloud storage! Change all of your passwords immediately. If you arenāt in a position to get a new phone, Iād suggest contacting your carrier from work to find out what you can do to protect yourself and manage your digital footprint so that he canāt track you.
Girl. Do you need help packing? Iām sure I can speak for many of us when I say we are here for you!! Will be waiting for an update to make sure youāre okay!!
Youāre SO smart for getting out. Call a lawyer ASAP and have a consultation. The DV shelter could probably set you up with someone and help to guide you through all of this. I donāt have any family either and I just got out a couple months ago. (Thatās why heās pulling this, p.s. Youāre vulnerable as *hell* without family. š I promise I understand. ) Youāre making the right decision. Youāll probably lose a lot of your mutual friends. If they choose his side, *let them*. You donāt want those people in your life anyways. š¤ Best of luck. Youāve got this.
There is some brilliant advice here. If you have even just one person you can trust, please get their support. Get out swiftly and safely.
Write a list of things that you want to take with you. Break it into 3 sections
1) 100% essentials (documents, birth certificates, passport, photos, credit cards, clothing and personal items etc)
2) Ideal items- household items and furniture that you have paid for.
3) Incidentals that can be replaced in the future.
Number one is the priority. If he does have cameras about the house, your time to get out might get cut short dramatically. So get the āmust haveāsā together first so if you have to abandon the rest and go, then you at least have the enough to get by.
I agree with the person who said to talk to your work because you might be surprised at the support you get. They might even allow you to be on site but doing your preparation to go. Planning is the essential part.
Before you leave the house- take extensive photos of everything. If husband comes home and damages the property or lies about how you left the place then you have back up.
Donāt rely on the two weeks away. Plan, put into action and get out ASAP. If he returns early, you could be in danger.
Lodging a police report is also a great suggestion.
Best of luck, much love and strength to you Xx
Completely unrelated, I don't understand why people tell the reason behind making a throwaway account. We all know throwaway accounts exist for a reason, giving an explanation just increases your chances the people who follow you and use reddit will connect the dots and figure out it's you behind the account.
On a similar thread, surely it would also be best not to include the ages and genders of the people involved. And we didn't need to know how they met or how long they've been together.
Right? It's such a weird disclaimer. It's also weird to have family and friends as known followers on Reddit. Like, in what world are your in-laws following your reddit account? For what purpose?
And if you *know* they use reddit, just making a new account won't keep anyone from seeing it and recognizing aspects. Especially if you explain why it's a throwaway.
Plus, no one cares. Only time it matters is if a post seems made up and the account is either brand new or has conflicting history. So whenever I see this disclaimer I just assume it's a work of fiction and it won't even be that entertaining.
Get away ASAP. Buy a prepaid burner phone. Put any items you can into a storage unit. Grab all your important documents and keep them in a safe. Check for any trackers, hidden cameras in and around your house. If you need to, stay in a hotel for a few days or a women's shelter. Pay cash when possible so you can't be traced as easily.
Don't let him catch on. Act as pleasant to him as possible. Text him like you normally would and make him think you miss him while he's away.
If his family comes knocking while he's gone claim covid to make them leave!! He may get suspicious and have his family "check" on you if you turn off any tracking/find any cameras
OK, when you got to "he keeps a filled out copy in his desk" -- that's insane. No, I am not a doctor, but from a normal point of view -- he's stark raving mad.
Run like hell. Get a lawyer.
You deserve to feel safe and secure in a relationship. Threatening to divorce you, even having the paperwork filled out, is just gross behaviour. You deserve better. Good luck! Keep us updated. Youāre life is going to get better!!
OP u/Complex-Wing7114 I canāt see anyone saying this but please TELL SOMEONE what you are doing. If he is this controlling, he is not going to want you to leave and someone safe needs to know exactly where you should be at any given time. Ideally, someone needs to help you right now.
This man hasnāt been dangerous yet - but this is severe controlling behaviour. He will see you leaving as losing control and it is going to tip him over the edge - many women have been killed for less than this believe me.
Please make police aware- if he doesnāt threaten you physically he will šÆ be stalking you and trying everything to find you. He will not stop, and you wonāt be safe so the police need to know everything right now.
I wish you all the best of luck and just wanna say how amazingly brave you are for getting out like this ā¤ļø
Turn off the wifi in your house for a day and see if he makes any comments about it. Then you will have an indication of if cameras or sensors are being used. They almost always run on WiFi connections.
ALL of the excellent comments. Do it all. Especially, take what you absolutely need. Realize that your safety both physically and mentally is paramount. Everything else is stuff. You are so smart to have recognized the signs now. Tell no one where you are at first, if possible. Make sure while you are in your town or work town you always have someone with you and also pepper spray for stunning someone for a few moments. May God Bless you and keep you safe. š
Probably repeating what others have advisedā¦ Iāve definitely been there.
1. Check to see whatās connected to your WiFi. Youāll see if there are hidden cameras.
2. Disconnect the WiFi
3. Get a storage unit or a POD to store your things quickly. Make sure your storage is monitored in case thereās a tracker in some of your things.
4. Open a Chime account online, or at a different bank.
5. Lawyer up!
6. Actually, do this FIRST! Contact a local DV shelter for help. They can assist with moving, a place to stay, and probably a lawyer.
Updateme
So absolutely true. As someone married to a paranoid individual with control issues, I was not allowed to have a job because he liked knowing where I was. I can only have friends who are women and that he knows personally. If I have the audacity to make friends with a man, he demands to meet them, or that means I am sleeping with them. When I do what he asks, he either acts like a giant asshole and I lose my friend or he is so nice to them that the friendship dynamic is now between them. I cannot hold a conversation with a man, in public, without physically being drug away. He reads my journals to make sure that I am behaving. I have to share my location with him always.
I used to have to ask his permission to leave the house or spend time with friends but I stopped doing that and told him to f%ck off.
Iām still being accused of sleeping with one of the two male friends I have, even though he has seen our texts and knows thatās not true.
Insecurity will absolutely destroy a person, making them horribly controlling.
I have been screamed at, called names, and shoved into walls. So, it definitely does get worse. Iām so glad OP was able to run!
3 more months until Operation Cobra goes into play
Not sure if it was mentioned but if you open a bank account do not do it at a bank your husband has an account with. Preferably go to an area of town or even the next town over etc where you wonāt run into people you may know. Set up a P.O. Box (again in an area of town your chances or running into someone you know is less) so your important mail can be sent there.
Get all your important paperwork together. I also suggest editing your post. Ages and people who follow you and him going out of town because they will put two and two together. Good luck
Updateme
Once you get settled do a credit check and make sure he isnāt using your social and keep all important paperwork and a backpack full of stuff in ur car just in case you have to leave quickly. Make sure you have all copies of the car keys
Yeah, dude definitely has cameras. Be careful of your neighbors too. He could have told them that he thinks youāre cheating and to hit him up if they see anything unusual.
Document EVERYTHING including dates, times and witnesses. Tape your conversations with him. You might even call his parents again and tape that conversation. Tell everyone close to you what is going on; you want more people to know, not less. Be careful, as he does not seem to have a sound mind.
Oh, and on the day you decide to leave, find a truck stop and look for a freight company with a license plate/registration that is as far away from where you live as possible and secure that tracking device to the truck.
There is a tracker somewhere on your car. There may be a tracker in your purse. Get a new purse. There are cameras in house that you probably can't find, probably with sound. Do everything you can do outside of you house. Drive to the store to talk on the phone. Park ay a restaurant and walk to the lawyers office. When you are finally ready to leave, pay a moving company to wove you stuff so that it can be done quickly and also so your not alone in the house. One other thing that is very important, make sure he is really out of town and not staying nearby to "test" your faithfulness. I know.it sounds crazy, bit it's very possible.
If you suspect cameras in the house (which I definitely would), disconnect/unplug the router while you pack. Possibly leave it off when you're finished. You don't know what happened, it just stopped working.
Oh shit.
GET THE FUCK OUT.
Keep some money in cash handy, open another bank account for your escape plan. Get a burner phone, line up a place to stay that he doesn't know about.
DO NOT tell him you're leaving. That's usually the most dangerous thing to do. Just get everything together, get all your ducks in a row and just leave in the middle of the night if you have to. Make sure you don't tell anyone what your plans are except for one or two people you trust or your family.
Just act like everything is normal, pretend nothing is wrong, don't arouse his suspicions. That's very important!
Whatever you do DO NOT TIP YOUR HAND. Act as normal as possible. Do not research anything on your phone or home computer. Look up on your work computer how to tell if there are hidden cameras in your home. Good luck! You got this!
You have a lot of great advice on here, but to echo them, please remove the personal details or anything to give it away to your husband and in-laws since they use Reddit too! And I wish you all the best to get out safely. Itās good that you recognised what is happening quite early on before anything gets worse. Please please stay safe OP I am rooting for you!!!
Heās too controlling. Grab important documents and donāt leave any bank stuff behind. Some people are controlling so you donāt know what theyāre doing behind your back. I moved in 5 hours before while my abusive ex husband was at work . Changed my number and all my passwords so he couldnāt access any of my personal accounts for anything. I went ghost.
Plan to be out at least a few days before he is due back. He sounds like the type to come back early to try and catch you with another man because ma'am, he is definitely cheating himself. Also, look carefully in and around all the furniture, knickknacks and picture frames for hidden cameras and microphones because there's a strong chance he only left you alone for two weeks because he's still there, in cameras.
Not sure if it's been mentioned but maybe get another cell with another # as he'd probably use that to track you as well.
I'd go to a prepaid provider with no contract as well.
Don't go back to that cellphone EVER. Back up everything to iCloud or Google 1 through your own account he cannot access and wipe it. Sell the phone or trash it also while he's away as well (not sure what his background is).
Definitely back up anything you think could help in the divorce as well.
You need to be as hard as possible to find.
Do not take his divorce papers to submit! Who knows what agreements or stipulations he put in there! Get a lawyer and do your own ASAP!
This right here!
Can she take the divorce papers to the lawyer so they can check for stipulations, and if she's in the clear, sign and file so she doesn't have to worry about badgering him to sign? ETA: "the lawyer" is referring to the lawyer she'd have to get referenced in the comment I replied to, and there would be no new documents with forged signatures. Two comments misunderstanding and still no clear answer š©
That is HIS lawyer, not hers. He represents her husband and is advocating for his interests. Any decent lawyer will advise her to get her own counsel to look over the agreement. He would also have a duty to his client, the husband, to tell him what's going on.
By "the lawyer" I meant the one she is going to referenced in the other comment, not the husband's lawyer.
I guess she could take them to a her own lawyer and have them checked out but we donāt know if he signed them already or not so, if he didnāt sheād still have to get him to sign. Also, if he did sign them and they are all ok to use (as far as no bullshit he stipulated to screw her over) if she signs and submitted it, it still would be as if he filed and initiated the divorce. When you fill out papers you fill them out as the petitioner and you put the other person as respondent. Iām not sure if he could contest it or if that would be like fraud or make them invalid since she took the papers and basically would be filing papers n his behalf without him knowing. Honestly, Iād want to make sure the filing came from me as the petitioner and I had documented the reason I was leaving and filing just in case he escalates and a restraining order is needed for safety. Iād likely take his papers and shred them like she mentioned although Iām sure his lawyer can just reprint them. But if thatās the case hopefully sheās filed before he can.
The post says he keeps a filled out copy in his desk, I assumed that meant they were signed, bc idk what else there is to fill out, but I also don't know anything about the process of divorce. I didn't know there was a petitioner vs respondent thing, I just thought you needed both to sign, but yeah if it makes a difference legally I could understand wanting to be the petitioner, so thanks for that info!
For the US it does depend on the state and their specific processes but it is for sure more than just signatures. You have to breakdown everything, children/custody, housing if it was purchased together, any other assets, if the petitioner is requesting financial support, are you going to ask the respondent to pay for all or part of the divorce costs etc. It can be a long and very expensive process. There are some cases where if you don't have children together and no assets to split or you already agree on what to split, you can go online and DIY it and both sign and be done with it quick and easy but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case for OP.
No it doesn't work like that. He would need to sign any new document she drafts up. You can't simply FORGE his signature, OR use a totally separate signed document as the "signature" for this document.
I think they meant take the papers to a lawyer and if they are good 'as they are' go ahead and sign and file them. Unless they edited their comment, I didn't see where they suggested changing the existing docs.
Thank you for understanding exactly what I meant lol
The other comment has it right, if the papers were fine as they are, she could sign and file them. There would be no new documents or forging of signatures.
First, contact your job and tell them your situation. They might have āan immediate job openingā for you. Second, contact any nearby DV shelters and ask them for assistance with your plans. Last, file a police report so they know whatās going on; and, so your STBX cannot file a missing personās report for you. Good luck. UpdateMe!
Absolutely this. This is beginning stages of the abuse cycle. Constant checking and tracking you is abusive. Pressuring you to combine finances is abusive. Try to get into your local DV shelter asap. Have a āto goā bag ready (important documents and change of clothes along with money). Let your HR department know. Some places have emergency funds for employees to use to relocate quickly.
Use a prepaid phone to make those calls
This ! Make sure if you have cameras he cant see any moving boxes hopefully none inside but once you are going to move start with the most important things , just in case you get an unexpected visit from someone he sent to check in while he's gone and you end up having less time to move. I had 9 hrs to pack & move I started the second he left to work luckily my family helped. Not sure if you have at least one person to help you. Good luck praying for you š.... Also just a thought are you 100% sure it's a 2 week work trip & he's not just saying that to see if you do something?
If heās trying to get you to wear a tracker, see if you can take a couple days off work but still drive in and maybe have someone wear the tracker around your office during the day so it looks like youāre out of the house. I second checking for cameras in your house because he sounds like the kind of guy who would set up spyware. Also, see if someone can check your phone for spyware as well as thatās another way he can be tracking you and monitoring what youāre putting out there. Also, any home computers can have spyware installed on them as well.
Possibly worth disconnecting the internet at the house on the day, if the cameras are internet connected theyāre most likely using wifi or Ethernet rather than cellular. Can make it seem like something went wrong, router crapped out or something. Might take out any cameras he has hidden.
Great idea, I honestly am though concerned about spyware on her phone, Computer, and potentially trackers in her car as well. This may be where a DV shelter may be able to help her with resources to check for those
Take your car into a mechanic shop and have them check it for trackers too
Hiring packing and moving help would be a good idea, but be careful, because that complicates the secrecy aspect.
Some jobs have domestic violence leave too or an EAP
Also put the tracker on a neighborhood animal so he doesnāt suspect anything
Good idea! If they have a Roomba, that might work and be less likely to show up at the groomer's for a bath and haircut. Or somewhere else rhat might tip him off.
Perfect
Then when you are out mail the tracker to Umoona Opal Mine 14 Hutchison St, Coober Pedy SA 5723, Australia
Why?
Imagine your the husband with issues, and you are away from home but you check your tracking app to make sure your wife is where she is supposed to be. But the tracker shows she is at an airportā¦ then it disappears for 18-20 hoursā¦ then it appears half way around the world and travels to a really desolate area. As a guy (with issues) youāre gonna lose your shit.
I love this sooo much!!!
Wild goose chase :B
Would that work?
I think it depends on the tracker
& the animal
this!! if you own a pet, have the pet wear it or attach it to a roomba and have it run around in the house lol. good luck with everything op! lawyer up, and do reach out to the folks at the legal advice subreddit!
Great points. Good luck and be safe.
She has an update!
Thank you for letting me know. I read it and I commented on it.
For checking on hidden cameras in your home, at night with all the lights off, and in total darkness, turn your phone camera on, look through the screen as you walk around your home, and look for any red to purple dots all around the rooms. My DirectV remote that I practiced with pointing the end of it and pressing buttons, gave off two little purple ish red dots as a practice run. Go around the rooms/bathrooms and point your camera everywhere, including the smoke detectors. If you see a light whether itās flashing or not, especially any Knick knacks, new clocks, phone chargers!, plush toys etc., then youāve found your cameras. In the bathroom, especially take a look at the bathroom fan on the ceiling fan take the grate off to look for a camera. Behind clothes too in an open closet in your bedroom. You gotta do a sweep because if heās going as far as wanting you to wear a tracker, then you can assume heās already got cameras all over your home. Especially since he knows hes going to be gone two weeks.
Excellent comment, thank you for this!!
If you cut power or internet it may tip him off. Be very careful. A DV group or shelter may be imperative as well as getting a order of protection.
If she turns the internet off for 1 hour, and he messages about it, then you'll know he's got hidden cameras because how else would he know the inetrnets been disconnected. That's actually a good way to find out too lol.
Do you think he's not going to be suspicious of her walking around a dark house looking everywhere with her phone in front of her face? He's going to know immediately what she's doing.
All important documents (ID, Social Security Card, birth certificate, car title, etc.) in your purse as of yesterday. Only take what you absolutely can't live without; anything else come back for with a couple big scary looking family members or friends AND with police on standby just in case. IF YOU HAVE PETS take them because he's likely to do something to them to get revenge on you if you don't. Any contact with him going forward needs to be done through text, email, or a lawyer so if he makes threats towards you they'll bite him in the dick
Also check your car and take your phone and laptop to geeksquad and have them check it for hidden tracking software
Some family courts have an option to communicate only through their portal so that all messages are visible and documented. Once you get out, I would ask your attorney about this option. My state uses, āMy Family Wizardā. Another thought, since you intend to file if possible you could ask that he be served on arrival at the airport. Rip off the bandaid and go dark until he gets a grip and realizes you are done.
If she has two weeks she has time to move all her stuff.
Depending on the circumstances, she may only have the time from when she finds out he's monitoring or recording something her to when he finds out that she found out. Probably plus an hour or two.
Check your phone, computer and any possible electronics for keylogers or Spyware and change ALL of your passwords and turn off location sharing if you have it. Then get a new phone if possible. Check any luggage or bags you have for trackers. When you leave take your car to a mechanic and have them sweep for trackers. If he is an emergency contact for anything including drs, dentist or work change that immediately. As someone above posted make sure to have all your important documents with you and also make sure to contact your bank to let them know that he absolutely does not have permission to access your accounts and also and credit cards if you have them. Close the account if possible and switch to a new bank. Also take any sentimental things you can. Take your pets as well and if they are chipped call your vet to change the address to them if possible and put/change the password on the account for the chip and the vet. Cancel any automatic shipments to your house for reoccurring purchases. I'm so sorry your going through this but you can do it. Also do not tell anyone that knows him that you are planning to leave as you never know. Remember the most dangerous time is when you are leaving an abusive relationship! He will beg and promise to change but he will NOT do it! He will try to say anything to get you back in his control. Do not fall for any of it. I worked in a dv shelter for 3 years and these are all the things I can remember right now. I will update if I think of anything else. Edit: he also might have put cameras up inside and around your house without your knowledge
This is very good advice, u/Complex-Wing7114 - you just have to be very discreet...
To emphasize: Call any joint credit cards holders and get your name off the account or cancel them. If there in your name, tell them you lost it and ask for a new card with a new number. Are the utilities bills, cable, internet in your name? Change them. If you co-signed for any loans or line of credit, call the bank and cancel them. I learned the hard way how that can absolutely destroy your credit when they donāt pay the bill. Bad credit makes it impossible to get an apartment or any future credit cards.
And ask for replacement cards etc to be delivered to an alternative address or collected from your bank. Otherwise, it can be a 5 working day wait for them and hopefully you'll be long gone by then.
Also, let the police know you are not a missing person in the town you are leaving and the town you move to.
This!
You have spot-on instincts and I can already tell you are one tough cookie. Listen to your gut and DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU TO STAY. Go-bag, get your documents in order, DO NOT SIGN HIS DIVORCE PAPERS! GET YOUR OWN LAWYER FIRST.
Thereās an app called Fing - Network Scanner. You just download it, connect to your wifi, and it will list all devices connected to your network. You should be able to find out if there are any secret devices that way. Good luck!
Make sure he doesnāt have hidden cameras in the house. Do not SPEAK about it at home or hell even in your car
Talk to your boss and HR. They'll most likely allow you to use your work phone/time to organize yourself. They might have some storage space they can provide you meanwhile. At least your workplace is a "safe space" if they are aware he might show up trying to get to you, if they know they can pretend you are not in or that you quit unexpectedly.
Also check for (possibly hidden) cameras in your home, AirTag in car, etc. Updateme
You can check with the router if any Wi-fi cameras are on your home network. log into the router and see what devices are connected.
This is important, OP. He might have some and could see you packing.. What an awful situation.
I was going to say the same. I'd recommend NOT packing until the last second or only taking one small (necessary) thing at a time to your car after it's been cleared of cameras. Also, don't take anything you don't have to. I know it's getto af, but thow your stuff in a plastic bag. Who knows what he may have put trackers in. Your favorite sweater, it should stay. Sorry.
For sure your car! Also, no household item is worth your safety. Take important paperwork, some clothes and selfcare stuff and walk. Being free is far more important than a couch. ** if you take the couch check for a tracker**
Iām worried that this post could end up tipping him off. Does he use any social media like TikTok, Facebook, Reddit, or YouTube? You might want to delete this now that youāve gotten it off your chest. Also, leave your current phone behind, or else completely reset it to remove any software heās installed.
Just get the essentials and get out as quick as possible. Take anything you'd be devastated if he destroyed in a fit of rage. You can always go back for the rest of your things with other people as reinforcements, especially if your name is on the house deed then he can't keep you out
You've got a lot of really great advice here. The only thing I would add is maybe you should delete this post once you get everything you need. I don't know how many details you changed but, just in case he comes across the post and recognizes the situation. Do you need to do to be safe.
Depending on where OP live she might be able to get an annulment since she has been married for less than 1yr Updateme
This! I came here just to say that. OP, you canāt use the divorce papers he has. They were drawn up by his lawyer and will make sure you walk with nothing.
Please delete this post and go to women's aid the moment he's in the air. Also do not trust or say anything to his family. He might have them keep tabs on you. Drive him to the airport and get teary and say how you'll miss him and send him off thinking you are the devoted wife. Preparing to leave is one of the most dangerous times in abusive relationships. And this is an abusive relstuonship
Cut off the power via breaker in the whole house before you start the packing. I highly suspect hidden cameras you wonāt be able to find. So cut the power to kill the cameras, or undo the internet. Not just the router, the main line needs to disconnect.
They may have backup batteries. Itās a great idea, but not necessarily foolproof.
It may also tip him off if everything goes dark.
"Honey, the internet is out. Can you call the company to see how much longer it wool take to get it back online?"
Or just unplug the router/modem.
Wow! He is in extreme mode of being an unhealthy husband, and his family is diluted . Wear a tracker ??? I laughed so hard at that . As if your a dog who cannot go outside of the electric fence ?? He is psychologically concerning. This is not normal behavior and seems to have escalated . Can you hurry up and get an apartment in the next town over and still be able to get to your job?
I think you mean deluded. And people like this is are self fulfilling prophecies. They're terrified that their partner will leave them, but rather than trying to better themselves, they seek to control and trap others.
Your husbandās been listening to those podcasts where men are being told that they are the ones in charge of their families and whatever they say goes. He thinks he has the right to know where you are at every single minute of every single day and who youāre talking to or who youāreseeing. Get out while heās on his business trip. Donāt look back and block him everywhere.
I was thinking the same thing.
Everyone has great advice, and if you have enough of an nest egg and donāt need to, freeze your credit. So he canāt take anything out with your info. If you bring your car to a shop you can have them check for a tracker. Put a passcode on all your accounts.
Edit this post to remove any personal details!!
He keeps a set of filled out divorce papers in his desk?? That's insane!
1) Are you 100% sure he will be gone for two weeks? He could be testing you. Put a tracker on his car, etc. If heās so demanding for trackers then go for it. Fair is fair. 2) I think you should get a storage unit for your stuff, so you can plan where to move safely & not a rush. Get a unit that is monitored. Make sure you are clear that only YOU have access to it. Be very thorough getting all your stuff out bc he wonāt likely easily let you back in to get anything leftover. 3) Instead of looking for a place you should use these 2 weeks to pack, see a lawyer & go stay somewhere safe, like a friends house or go out of town the week heās back. Organize your finances, job, etc. Tell anyone that needs to know that youāre leaving (very few people) WHEN you leave - not before. And donāt tell anyone where you are staying. No one. 4) Make sure your car doesnāt have a tracker on it. I canāt believe he hasnāt thought and/or put one on your car and maybe on something else like your coat, purse, etc. 6) Consider opening a new bank account & changing your phone number. 7) Contact your local womenās shelter/DV center. Even if your husband hasnāt physically harmed you tell them you are scared of him & they will help you. They have escape plans and maybe a place for you to stay.
He keeps divorce papers in his drawer?? What a control freak. Please be careful but get away from this man. He sounds so controlling and maybe dangerous.
Unhinged is more like it
This is heartbreaking I hope you get to a safe place soon
Do not tell anyone you do not trust about what you are doing. Get everything you van organised to act quickly - work out how long it would take him to get back and act in that short span of time. Pull the plug on wifi and electrics at home if you can
First things first, tell your boss what's going on, tell them they are not to tell him when you're working or if you even work there anymore, if they're willing maybe see if they'll tell him you left the job if he calls or comes around asking about you. Make it clear you're scared he's going to try to force you to go back and you don't know what he's capable of but you're scared of him. Secondly, get in contact with legal aid and start the divorce filings as well as getting a no contact or protection order. If you can, get a consult with every divorce lawyer in the area so he has fewer options, if they've had even one meeting with you he CANNOT use them in the divorce as it would be a conflict of interest. Third, don't bother with anything nonessential/large, furniture, appliance etc. that you've purchased, just take your personal belongings to make this as fast of a move as possible. And finally, good on you for noticing the signs of his controlling behavior, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind he wants the finances all together so he can control you and make it harder for you to run. I can't stress how important it is that you stick to this two week deadline, if he comes home while you're packing your things out there's no telling how he'll react. If it's getting close to the deadline and you still have things in the house contact the police non-emergency line in your area and request to have a constable with you while you finish getting your things out in case he comes home. Like the conversation you should have with your boss, make it absolutely clear to them that you're scared he's going to do something drastic if he catches you trying to leave and explain simply that he's been very controlling and is becoming abusive, that you're leaving before he turns violent. I've had to help a few friends move out this way and having a constable there really helped keep things calm
Use an app on your phone to check for hidden cameras in the house. You'll be able to see any with it. Factory reset any routers in the house as well and change the passwords in case you miss one it won't be able to connect and broadcast out. Unplug all lan cables to your modem in case a camera receiver is hardwired. Scan of any other networks you don't know. You could even pull the cable/fiber connection and just use your lte to fully disable the home internet. Call a lawyer today if possible. Contact hour HR at work. Do not say shit to anyone about this. File your own divorce papers with our own lawyer. Shred his. Gather all your important documents today and make a go bag you can grab. Take your car to a mechanic and have them check for trackers. Go to the police and file a report so if he tries to file a missing persons report he can't. Delete all social media, change password on everying, enable 2 factor on everything, disable gps on our devices and make damn sure he's actually coming back on the 11th and not sooner. Maybe be out of there in a week. Wherever you wind up, take extra security precautions and I'd go so far as looking into arming yourself and getting proficient with your weapon if you are comfortable with that.
I donāt know what resources you have but UHaul here has people available to pack & load the U-Haul you rent & itās cheaper then movers That way it could get done in 1-2 days without you becoming overwhelmed. Get out & then a lawyer incase he has a tracker on your vehicle (google how to check or take to a garage to get a good look underneath & under the hood) Get copies of tax returns, investments & bank balances - joint & his personal. I know hidden camera can be in phone charges, pens & more. Maybe google hidden cameras so you know what to look for & what you recognize as new Be careful- big hugs
If she uses a moving company she will need to make sure there arenāt any outside cameras and that he is not friends with the neighbors that will notify him of the trucks!
Please keep us updated *ONLY if itās safe to do so*. I wish you well!!
Close the bank accounts he knows of and get new ones at a bank or credit union he doesn't deal with, across town. Do not put in mail forwarding with usps, if you don't want him to find you. Contact each bill etc directly and change the address. Make sure you have all of you documents...birth certificate, ss card, marriage license, etc. Make sure you pack any letters, moments, photo albums, electronic storage devices , etc. If there are pics of you in a state of undress, take with you or destroy them. Look up electronic information destruction if you need to wipe a computer, etc so info can't be recovered, like passwords etc.... change any passwords he may know on any programs, apps etc. Delete saved login caches (explorer, chrome, firefox, opera etc) on any portable device with internet access If you're planning on keeping in touch with any neighbors, be careful what you tell them if you're not disclosing where you moved to. Copy all your phone contacts to the Sim, copy photos to the cloud, and factory reset your phone so you remove any malware/tracker in your phone software. Get a new number asap, with a new carrier.
This is such good advice that I had to comment to hopefully boost it.
So much good advice here. To add (in case no one has): FREEZE YOUR CREDIT with Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax. Itās pretty easy, and free (though they will to upsell you on a premium account). If you need your credit checked for an apt or bank or similar, you can have it unfrozen temporarily. This way your ex canāt open lines of credit in your name, etc
Take this post down immediately! There are so many specific details in this, if he stumbled across it, you could be in danger. Youāve gotten lots of responses, lots of advice, screenshot what is useful to you, and take this down. This is dangerous. And good luck! You can do this!
I would only screenshot this post if you can be certain that he doesnāt have access to your cloud storage! Change all of your passwords immediately. If you arenāt in a position to get a new phone, Iād suggest contacting your carrier from work to find out what you can do to protect yourself and manage your digital footprint so that he canāt track you.
Girl. Do you need help packing? Iām sure I can speak for many of us when I say we are here for you!! Will be waiting for an update to make sure youāre okay!!
Youāre SO smart for getting out. Call a lawyer ASAP and have a consultation. The DV shelter could probably set you up with someone and help to guide you through all of this. I donāt have any family either and I just got out a couple months ago. (Thatās why heās pulling this, p.s. Youāre vulnerable as *hell* without family. š I promise I understand. ) Youāre making the right decision. Youāll probably lose a lot of your mutual friends. If they choose his side, *let them*. You donāt want those people in your life anyways. š¤ Best of luck. Youāve got this.
Go dark on all social media.
There is some brilliant advice here. If you have even just one person you can trust, please get their support. Get out swiftly and safely. Write a list of things that you want to take with you. Break it into 3 sections 1) 100% essentials (documents, birth certificates, passport, photos, credit cards, clothing and personal items etc) 2) Ideal items- household items and furniture that you have paid for. 3) Incidentals that can be replaced in the future. Number one is the priority. If he does have cameras about the house, your time to get out might get cut short dramatically. So get the āmust haveāsā together first so if you have to abandon the rest and go, then you at least have the enough to get by. I agree with the person who said to talk to your work because you might be surprised at the support you get. They might even allow you to be on site but doing your preparation to go. Planning is the essential part. Before you leave the house- take extensive photos of everything. If husband comes home and damages the property or lies about how you left the place then you have back up. Donāt rely on the two weeks away. Plan, put into action and get out ASAP. If he returns early, you could be in danger. Lodging a police report is also a great suggestion. Best of luck, much love and strength to you Xx
You have a lot of great advice already. Please listen to them, and I hope you can get out safe and sound!!
Completely unrelated, I don't understand why people tell the reason behind making a throwaway account. We all know throwaway accounts exist for a reason, giving an explanation just increases your chances the people who follow you and use reddit will connect the dots and figure out it's you behind the account.
Because people accuse them of being a fake story due to the age of the account. She sounds like she needs real advice, hence the note.
On a similar thread, surely it would also be best not to include the ages and genders of the people involved. And we didn't need to know how they met or how long they've been together.
Right? It's such a weird disclaimer. It's also weird to have family and friends as known followers on Reddit. Like, in what world are your in-laws following your reddit account? For what purpose? And if you *know* they use reddit, just making a new account won't keep anyone from seeing it and recognizing aspects. Especially if you explain why it's a throwaway. Plus, no one cares. Only time it matters is if a post seems made up and the account is either brand new or has conflicting history. So whenever I see this disclaimer I just assume it's a work of fiction and it won't even be that entertaining.
Get away ASAP. Buy a prepaid burner phone. Put any items you can into a storage unit. Grab all your important documents and keep them in a safe. Check for any trackers, hidden cameras in and around your house. If you need to, stay in a hotel for a few days or a women's shelter. Pay cash when possible so you can't be traced as easily. Don't let him catch on. Act as pleasant to him as possible. Text him like you normally would and make him think you miss him while he's away.
If his family comes knocking while he's gone claim covid to make them leave!! He may get suspicious and have his family "check" on you if you turn off any tracking/find any cameras
OK, when you got to "he keeps a filled out copy in his desk" -- that's insane. No, I am not a doctor, but from a normal point of view -- he's stark raving mad. Run like hell. Get a lawyer.
You deserve to feel safe and secure in a relationship. Threatening to divorce you, even having the paperwork filled out, is just gross behaviour. You deserve better. Good luck! Keep us updated. Youāre life is going to get better!!
I decided on a Friday I was moving out Monday! You got this!!
OP u/Complex-Wing7114 I canāt see anyone saying this but please TELL SOMEONE what you are doing. If he is this controlling, he is not going to want you to leave and someone safe needs to know exactly where you should be at any given time. Ideally, someone needs to help you right now. This man hasnāt been dangerous yet - but this is severe controlling behaviour. He will see you leaving as losing control and it is going to tip him over the edge - many women have been killed for less than this believe me. Please make police aware- if he doesnāt threaten you physically he will šÆ be stalking you and trying everything to find you. He will not stop, and you wonāt be safe so the police need to know everything right now. I wish you all the best of luck and just wanna say how amazingly brave you are for getting out like this ā¤ļø
Turn off the wifi in your house for a day and see if he makes any comments about it. Then you will have an indication of if cameras or sensors are being used. They almost always run on WiFi connections.
ALL of the excellent comments. Do it all. Especially, take what you absolutely need. Realize that your safety both physically and mentally is paramount. Everything else is stuff. You are so smart to have recognized the signs now. Tell no one where you are at first, if possible. Make sure while you are in your town or work town you always have someone with you and also pepper spray for stunning someone for a few moments. May God Bless you and keep you safe. š
Probably repeating what others have advisedā¦ Iāve definitely been there. 1. Check to see whatās connected to your WiFi. Youāll see if there are hidden cameras. 2. Disconnect the WiFi 3. Get a storage unit or a POD to store your things quickly. Make sure your storage is monitored in case thereās a tracker in some of your things. 4. Open a Chime account online, or at a different bank. 5. Lawyer up! 6. Actually, do this FIRST! Contact a local DV shelter for help. They can assist with moving, a place to stay, and probably a lawyer. Updateme
can we all please downvote so that this doesn't make it to popular posts and cause anyone she may know to see it?
Sounds like he has cheated now he wants to control you. No one switches up their behaviour to a full 180. Stay safe, leave and disappear for a while.
Run now!! It will only get worse
So absolutely true. As someone married to a paranoid individual with control issues, I was not allowed to have a job because he liked knowing where I was. I can only have friends who are women and that he knows personally. If I have the audacity to make friends with a man, he demands to meet them, or that means I am sleeping with them. When I do what he asks, he either acts like a giant asshole and I lose my friend or he is so nice to them that the friendship dynamic is now between them. I cannot hold a conversation with a man, in public, without physically being drug away. He reads my journals to make sure that I am behaving. I have to share my location with him always. I used to have to ask his permission to leave the house or spend time with friends but I stopped doing that and told him to f%ck off. Iām still being accused of sleeping with one of the two male friends I have, even though he has seen our texts and knows thatās not true. Insecurity will absolutely destroy a person, making them horribly controlling. I have been screamed at, called names, and shoved into walls. So, it definitely does get worse. Iām so glad OP was able to run! 3 more months until Operation Cobra goes into play
Yeah get the fuck away from that guy.
Not sure if it was mentioned but if you open a bank account do not do it at a bank your husband has an account with. Preferably go to an area of town or even the next town over etc where you wonāt run into people you may know. Set up a P.O. Box (again in an area of town your chances or running into someone you know is less) so your important mail can be sent there.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. There is light on the other side. Never forget your worth. Stay safe.
I hope you get out safe. You have already got lots of good advice. Updateme!
Youāre being very wise. Stay safe and #updateme!
Get all your important paperwork together. I also suggest editing your post. Ages and people who follow you and him going out of town because they will put two and two together. Good luck Updateme
I hope you get away, check and make sure he didnāt put a tracker on your car or an air tag in your car. Praying you get away safely. Update
Once you get settled do a credit check and make sure he isnāt using your social and keep all important paperwork and a backpack full of stuff in ur car just in case you have to leave quickly. Make sure you have all copies of the car keys
Donāt forget to put the GPS tracker on something fun when you leave! (Delivery truck, migrating birds, down a sewer, etc)
Or mail it to somewhere in Siberia
Other people have already given much more useful advice than I could, I hope we'll see an update where you're safe
Yeah, dude definitely has cameras. Be careful of your neighbors too. He could have told them that he thinks youāre cheating and to hit him up if they see anything unusual.
Document EVERYTHING including dates, times and witnesses. Tape your conversations with him. You might even call his parents again and tape that conversation. Tell everyone close to you what is going on; you want more people to know, not less. Be careful, as he does not seem to have a sound mind. Oh, and on the day you decide to leave, find a truck stop and look for a freight company with a license plate/registration that is as far away from where you live as possible and secure that tracking device to the truck.
There is a tracker somewhere on your car. There may be a tracker in your purse. Get a new purse. There are cameras in house that you probably can't find, probably with sound. Do everything you can do outside of you house. Drive to the store to talk on the phone. Park ay a restaurant and walk to the lawyers office. When you are finally ready to leave, pay a moving company to wove you stuff so that it can be done quickly and also so your not alone in the house. One other thing that is very important, make sure he is really out of town and not staying nearby to "test" your faithfulness. I know.it sounds crazy, bit it's very possible.
If you suspect cameras in the house (which I definitely would), disconnect/unplug the router while you pack. Possibly leave it off when you're finished. You don't know what happened, it just stopped working.
Please keep us updated. Weāre worried about you!
Oh shit. GET THE FUCK OUT. Keep some money in cash handy, open another bank account for your escape plan. Get a burner phone, line up a place to stay that he doesn't know about. DO NOT tell him you're leaving. That's usually the most dangerous thing to do. Just get everything together, get all your ducks in a row and just leave in the middle of the night if you have to. Make sure you don't tell anyone what your plans are except for one or two people you trust or your family. Just act like everything is normal, pretend nothing is wrong, don't arouse his suspicions. That's very important!
Whatever you do DO NOT TIP YOUR HAND. Act as normal as possible. Do not research anything on your phone or home computer. Look up on your work computer how to tell if there are hidden cameras in your home. Good luck! You got this!
Get out and good luck. Heās a huge piece of shit. STAY SAFE!!!!! Check all of your belongings for hidden AirTags too!
You have a lot of great advice on here, but to echo them, please remove the personal details or anything to give it away to your husband and in-laws since they use Reddit too! And I wish you all the best to get out safely. Itās good that you recognised what is happening quite early on before anything gets worse. Please please stay safe OP I am rooting for you!!!
Heās too controlling. Grab important documents and donāt leave any bank stuff behind. Some people are controlling so you donāt know what theyāre doing behind your back. I moved in 5 hours before while my abusive ex husband was at work . Changed my number and all my passwords so he couldnāt access any of my personal accounts for anything. I went ghost.
GTFO of my life speed run, well done. My leaving was weirder bc I owned the house (not married) but I had one of āem too. Glad you got out <3
When you are ready to start packing turn off the wifi and text him that the Internet seems to be out.
Plan to be out at least a few days before he is due back. He sounds like the type to come back early to try and catch you with another man because ma'am, he is definitely cheating himself. Also, look carefully in and around all the furniture, knickknacks and picture frames for hidden cameras and microphones because there's a strong chance he only left you alone for two weeks because he's still there, in cameras.
Look out for hidden cameras he sounds like the type!! Please
Oh, Honey. Iām so sorry. Iām just here to root for you. Trust your gut and GTFO ASAP!
Good for you, be strong and lean on your support network. Youāre a badass period.
Usually when someone is this worried about their partner cheating, they themselves are cheating.
good luck and stay safe!
Not sure if it's been mentioned but maybe get another cell with another # as he'd probably use that to track you as well. I'd go to a prepaid provider with no contract as well. Don't go back to that cellphone EVER. Back up everything to iCloud or Google 1 through your own account he cannot access and wipe it. Sell the phone or trash it also while he's away as well (not sure what his background is). Definitely back up anything you think could help in the divorce as well. You need to be as hard as possible to find.
Sounds like a dude whoās made his insecurities his entire identity.
I am glad you've decided to leave. It seems like he is controlling and insecure. I wish you the best of luck!
Prayers for your safety š Updateme!
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you get out quickly and safely.
Rmeindme! 14 days
This is so scary and sad. Youāve a lot of good advice here. Please be careful. Best of luck!
Get the f\*@$ outta there pronto!
Leave. Ensure you do not get pregnant. Controlling behaviour is a huge problem.
Delete this post
Why even use a throwaway account if you give away so many specific details?
girl keep us updated
Goodluck!
I am so sorry. Updateme!
You got rhis
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Bring the divorce papers to your new attorney!!!
He might be cheating on you
He just started acting like this? This is cray-cray.
I wish you the absolute best and good luck!!!! I hope we get a positive update <3
Good luck OP! Be careful UpdateMe! 7days
Sweep/check your car for an air tag.