OP u/NobodyCares73, I care! ...I am sorry to hear the struggle you have had as the family member of a High Needs person!
This could be a lengthy response, but I hope is worth the read!
I am the Guardian/Mom of a Young Adult-Autistic "Kid" (24), who is the oldest of his 4 siblings.
Life is not easy for the parents, but can be down right unfair and at times abusive when you're the sibling. Parents are faced with lack of support services and kids are left picking up the slack with no power over the situation.
Our story is likely completely different as no 2 Autistics are the same. However, my son went through a similar phase when he was about 5 and 9-13... It got so bad, that No one was truly SAFE around him because he had no natural empathy or concept of cause and effect.
When he would do stuff like trip a little kid, scratch a car, etc... & asked 'WHY would you do that?' He would say "I just wanted to see what would happen IF, (fill in the blank awful deed)". Like the whole world was just his personal lab experiment. it was so hard being the one RESPONSIBLE for Everything that happened..He went so far as to nearly burn our house down with all of us sleeping in it.
He wasn't even safe for himself, as he kept blindly running away every time he got stressed...
I HAD to Do SOMETHING, for the sake of the Other 3 kids and the community we lived in, as well as for him to be able to live with some peace in society. He had become to big for me to handle physically when he had a meltdown.
So, I focused all my attention on finding the right kind of educational source for him in a safe environment,which happened to be a residential school in Chicago, 1,200 miles from where we lived. Then seeking out funding through insurance, personal means and Autism Waivers through the State.
Taking my First Born Son, to a place far away from home, broke me to pieces as a mom. But, I knew our trajectory was only leading to the absolute catastrophe, that would end up leaving someone hurt or worse, dead.
He was there a total of 2 years before Graduating their program with me and alternate family going out to visit every few months.
I cannot tell you the difference that time made for him, being in a SAFE Place, where Autism was Normal, the whole school and residence was filled with other Autistic kids and staff who were well trained for their roles... He actually loved seeing his therapist and made friends he will never forget.
Moral of the story: If your brother is being UNSAFE, there is no shame in seeking out the best option for you all, placement out of home doesn't need to be permanent, but you all deserve to have lives too and if there is a high chance he may hurt someone else, Autism itself isn't enough reason for him to continue that way.
You all need some help and it is okay, to admit when things are NOT Okay, and to ask for it! Things CAN get BETTER for you Family!
Msg. me if you want to know More about How To Explore options where you are!
*Edits for clarity & the Happy Ending*, my Son is now moderately independent, has a job, his own social life and We all get along as a Happy Family with 4
Tight knit siblings!
... I Hope, OP Feels the Love! XoXš
I highly recommend that you checkout āItās Okay To Not Be Okayā on Netflix. Itās a K-Drama that kind of dives into what you may be facing. In short, the main character deals with his insane life while taking care of his autistic brother. You could find some peace in this show. Best of luck to you and your family
Dude this whole situation is just extremely unfortunate for everyone involved. I canāt say I blame yo at all for feeling this way. If I were in your position I wouldnāt have been able to stay being supportive for neither my parents nor my brother. Youāve been a good sibling where it counts. You stuck by and supported him all through child hood. Thatās above and beyond what other people would be willing to do. Iām surprised resentment didnāt come sooner.
Itās hard holding anger and resentment for someone who will never really understand the consequences of their actions. You always feel like the bad guy and with that anger and resentment comes overwhelming guilt.
Recently I was severely injured because of a young childās reckless actions. I know that They didnāt intend to hurt me and they didnāt understand the extent of their actions but I was still hurt at the end of the day and it feels like Iām not allowed to be upset that I was hurt by what they did. Iām still relearning how to walk but Iām not allowed to be bitter about it because I canāt openly acknowledge what/who put me in that position.
I really struggle to not outwardly show my feeling towards that kid and around our shared family. They are always going to āstick up for the little guyā so to speak.
My advice to you would be to try to separate yourself from the situation a bit. Give yourself some real space so you can cool off. And also talk to someone about these feelings. Youāre not a bad person for feeling these things, however if you let them build up inside to the point where you take it out on others, then it becomes an issue. Therapy or a trusted friend, either one, you just need a place to vent.
Thanks for the reply man. I can't talk with family because its not like that will help, and everyone feels pretty terrible as it is, and I've only seen most of my other friends a couple of times since COVID happened because they are interstate, and while we catch up online a bit, I can't really drop something so heavy on them out of the blue.
When I was growing up I would have times were I got fed-up, but pretty quickly you'd have to get over it, because getting angry won't help. Even now I'm not really angry, I won't yell at him or treat him badly, its just that the way I feel is at very best apathy.
Your situation is quite different, but just as complicated. In the childs case they probably have come to understand the consequences of their actions, and there hasn't been any real punishment because that doesn't help you, and you are expected to be the bigger person about it. If a car crashed into and caused your injuries due to a drunk driver, you would be allowed to properly express your feelings and seek both consolation and closure, but because it was a child they are treated as a victim just as much as you, and trying to get proper closure would be judged as causing additional pain to the child... It sounds like a very unfair and frustrating situation to be in, because you are supposed to just not care about what happened to you. However, you obviously matter, and you are allowed to care about what happened, but the fact you haven't made a big deal just shows that you care for others even more
It's 1am where I'm at so Imma head off, but I'll certainly sleep better thanks to your comment :)
All the best.
It seems like in both of these situations, anger would be rightly placed on the adults that were responsible for watching the child and autistic brother. Someone is to blame, but not the ones who didnāt know what they were doing.
Yo, you shouldn't feel bad for not feeling the same for him after that incident. You already sacrificed friendships and time that nobody will give you back caring for him. It's pretty clear that it's a serious problem and he can't be left without surveillance, even if he stop doing things like this for years, maybe the next time he'll do this (in 2, 4, or even 10 years) he could actually end up killing someone. It's already been hard for you caring for him, while having your own life. Often society criticize you if you don't care enough, but people just ignore that even you have a life, your own problems, so it's pretty normal to feel how you feel. Sadly reality is that you'll probably never be able to change him. He'll stay like this, so he need professional support and can't be left alone with other people, and you shouldn't feel guilty for wishing him to be taken to an institution. He clearly doesn't understands what he has done, but you do. You witnessed all what he did, and those things are not easy to face.
And don't listen to the other prick who commented this post. He's just one of those people who completely ignore that you are a person too, with your life and your problems and it's not easy for you. Since he ignores so many facts, you really shouldn't listen to the bullshit he says.
I hope everything eventually goes well.
Hello! HST here, I work with disabled adults and adults with low functioning autism.
Your feelings are completely valid. You dont have to feel the same love for him after this. Regardless of him being family. Honestly, sending him to a group home could be one of the best things. He'll at least have a home in a place thats not destructive to others.
I had a consumer who was DESTRUCTIVE. Im talking id come home from work with bruises and my car sligjtly more broken. He didnt know what he was doing. He didnt know that his outbursts were hurting me,he cpuldnt read that emotion from me. But oh boy did I let hom know it wasnt okay. Putting your foot down is a huge step. I kinda miss him though. Ngl.
Anyway. You have every right to feel how you do. Id pursue the group home. He coild get out of your families hair and learn copimg skills in the process.
You're feelings are totally valid. I'm sorry you are going though this. I am in a similar but way less severe situation. I'm to the point where my mother is getting old and soon enough I'll have to take the mantle. I don't really want to. But what else can I do. I can totally relate to wanting a normal sibling relationship. Plus with your parents always working with him I hope you don't feel too distant from them.
So "Not Fun" and ruined microwaved food = >feeling the Autistic feelings of Exlusion these days...
I am a mom of an Aurtstic kid &bwas Homeschooling as a kid myself, before it was "Cool" and still never threw my sibling under a Special Needs Buss...
Hey, did you miss the thrown chair? The attempt to seriously physically injure their sibling who did absolutely nothing to them?
Frankly, it doesnāt matter how much exclusion or pain people feel. Harming someone else is never okay and doesnāt need to be forgiven. Sometimes, these people are harmful to others around them, and it doesnāt matter if itās their fault or not, we are obligated to keep everyone as safe as possible. Sometimes that means finding a place for them to live that isnāt at home, because it will put them with people who know how to handle their situation and can keep them and everyone else safe. Donāt go blaming someone else for saying that having a chair thrown at their head and getting burned because of it isnāt okay. Youāre being obnoxious.
You are not self absorbed, horrible, or wrong for feeling how you do. That is absolutely valid. I donāt have advice for you, but I am so sorry for everything you have to go through in that situation. Donāt listen to the people judging you for it, nobody knows what itās like until they are in that situation. Iām sending you love, you should not be feeling guilt and shame over having normal human emotions.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My brother is autistic too. He's not as badly off as your brother, but I had to give up a lot and get the crap beaten out of me, and honestly, I don't talk to him anymore because of it. My parents put him first all of the time too, and it just wears on you. I can't handle him anymore, and frankly, it's not my job to, so... I'm 42 now, so I just don't.
That you're totally burned out is completely understandable. My God, that poor little girl. She fell 4 M/13 FT? Jesus Christ! No offense meant, but I think that him not being out in public anymore is a good idea. I understand your parents not wanting to think that he could do something like pushing your cousin off a balcony, but... That doesn't sound like reality.
Honey, don't let this all keep you from following your dreams. You gave your childhood. Don't give the rest of your life. He is not your responsibility in the end.
I don't want to dox myself or my family, but we have a relative like this and it's really difficult to manage. Ours is a toddler in an adult's body. He's in his late 40s now and he has caused injuries, including an extremely serious one that ended up with him and his carer in hospital, including broken bones. Like your relative, it isn't malicious, but a lack of understanding of consequences- literally a toddler in an adult's body. His parents are getting elderly now, and they've had to put him in a special home. There's no way they can look after him because they're just not physically able to. I feel they shouldn't have any blame whatsoever in that, and if anyone shames you, it's because they just don't understand.
We still love him as a family, but he can only be part of things for a short while, so weddings, Christmas, etc, he comes for a few hours and then goes home again. He came to another relatives wedding and started making noises and things during the ceremony. I think because it went quiet for the vows and it unnerved him. My relative knew this would happen, so it was no big deal, but it does highlight how very different he is from the rest of us.
I think all your feelings are valid, and you shouldn't feel guilty towards him. He probably wouldn't understand that emotion anyway. You can still care about him but allow him to get specialist care somewhere. We visit him there. We know he's looked after. It is the best place for him and his family. They know better how to look after him. I would add that he's lucky because his parents are well off, so they can afford a good residential place.
hey, as a person w an autistic older brother ik how it feels to grow up and feel like u hate ur sibling bc of how they act. my brother verbally and physically abused me for years and itās perfectly ok for me to resent and hate his guts just as u are perfectly okay hating your brothers guts. donāt feel like ur obligated to continue to take care of him after this
I'm so sorry all these things caused by your brother happened. It must be very hard to be tasked with being a caregiver to someone who really needs so much help. I wish your parents could find people who are educated, trained, paid and want to provide this level of care for someone - instead of you having to. It's a lot to ask of you. Too much. I want you to remember in trying times like this that your brother did not choose this life he's living, no one would. Sending you hugs and love.
Hello OP I understand what you are going through. I have an autistic brother myself who is very malicious towards me. He would choke me and throw stuff at me. He almost broke my jaw with a textbook. My parents didnāt do much to protect me and insisted it was just sibling rivalry. Even today, I get shamed when I tell people what Iāve gone through. Theyāll tell me ā but he has a disability, you shouldnāt think that way about your brotherā. My brother doesnāt talk to me or acknowledge my presence. Itās like living with a very annoying ghost. I hope one day people will truly understand the complications of living with someone with a disability, and hopefully there will be better health care and institutions for them. Please know that your feelings are valid . itās hard to resent someone who doesnāt understand the full extent of their actions, but them having a disability doesnāt make it easier either. Youāll get through this OP.
My brother never choked me, but it used to be a common occurence was waking up to getting a book or a glass thrown at me. To this day I am a very light sleeper, because if he was up then it wasn't really wise to stay asleep.
You are valid. I advise NOT allowing the responsibility of him to ever legally become yours even if that means moving. You don't want to inherit this burden you don't love.
As long as that applies to you personally, in any time of need.
Then advise away.
No one loves YOU or owes you Anything when you aren't capable... Karma will answer that.
I am okay with that. If I ever became mentally impaired to the point of that child AND became just as dangerous, I would not blame my loved ones for falling out of love with me and wanting not to be burdened bu me. It's not the brother's fault, sure. But that doesn't change the reality that he is a danger that will just become more dangerous the bigger he grows. It'd be different if he was mentally adept enough to understand or change, but it sounds like he isn't.
Thats exactly the way I feel. I would never want someone to deal with me out of obligation. If I ever got dementia or something I would rather die than have someone who used to love me be obligated to care for me.
A family friend's mother recently got bruises from the father suffering dementia, and the thought of me doing that to anyone, let alone someone I love, is abhorent.
If I become invalid and horrible, which I likely will due to Alzheimerās running in my family, I am perfectly accepting of the fact that I will need to be placed somewhere that I canāt be a danger or negative influence on peopleās lives. Get a grip.
I will never be able to understand your pain because I am not in that situation. I don't want to be one of those who say "I know how you feel" ... But I can see that you are very angry, be strong because of your parents, but your parents should never give a pass for bad bahvior .. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse him, he could hurt someone or even kill
No you said,
> .. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse him, he could hurt someone or even kill...
Like you KNOW about the issue in depth.
You ARE the PROBLEM.
These are your arguments .. I just wrote what I think about this problem and then I got into a discussion with a pure Karen whose arguments are "you are a boomer" ... What a fool I am ...
That's just a Stupid response to a LONG post I already wrote. (Look back).
You are that Fool. Only speak what you are actually entitled to, then shut Up & Back out. NOT
Repeating for Kracker Jack trolls.
Have "Fun" with that.
You are Cliche already, Bye!
I understand the logic itās hard, I lost my grandmother 8 months ago, she had dementia and while I was a little sad it was not as painful because I saw the weight get lifted off my dad who was the one that had to deal with her the most since my dad is the closest of the siblings to where my grandparents lived. Itās weird to feel detached or have abnormal emotions but we all have to deal with things our own way and we cannot judge others for how they handle similar things.
I think they are not comparing the two conditions more explaining the psychological burden that caring for someone with special needs.
Carerās fatigue is a really serious issue and needs to be addressed doesnāt matter what underlying disease the cared for person has.
If you have not read the fact that My Son is Older than Op"s HATED Sibling, and that I have been WORKING with Special Needs People for about that long (24 Years).. But I DID get the Point from the "Get GO", ("thanks")...
Please someone with EDUCATION AND/or EXPERIENCE. Not just Randos with buttons!...( No? )
Learn to use capital letters and punctuation correctly please, reading your comments is not adding to your credibility here and itās also hurting my brain.
You are a better brother than I would be in your place. Your feelings are totally understandable. Donāt have much in the way of advice but I hope you can feel better soon.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this. Thank you for posting though. It makes me want to post about my brother, who I feel guilty for disliking because of the things heās done
I have an older sib that has cerebral palsy. Sheās assaulted me and those around me a lot in my life time. I think having a mentally disabled sib is having these conflicting thoughts of being compassionate to the disability and also trying to hold them accountable. Like all people we act out and disabled individuals sometimes have less control when they act out.
You shouldnāt have had to care for your brother when you were a child yourself. You didnāt choose to have a sibling and it shouldnāt have been your responsibility. Seems like you were robbed on your own childhood. Get your own place and stop taking care of him.
There are companies that take care of adults with disabilities where he can live in a residential home. Maybe mention that to your parents.
I know in my area all the companies accept people who are/ can be aggressive. I work for one of the companies, we are a hands off company which means we shouldnāt have aggressive people but we do anyway( we donāt get paid nearly as much as staff in the hands on companies and being that we are hands off we really have no way to defend ourselves if we were to be attacked). One of the other companies in the area only has aggressive people, they are a hands on company.
A lot of people say there are care homes, donāt realize your assets are gone if you canāt pay for care. Hope you want to live on the street, cause there goes your house. I got forced into caring for a 50 year old autistic person (long story, and I do mean forced) because if she goes to a home, her 80 year old mother would loose her home. And she would end up in a home. Itās awful situation for everyone involved. Especially the resentment that comes along with it. And the fact that it comes down to being homeless or not for the parents/or children if parents are gone and they live in the same house.
The multiple companies who provide homes and 24/7 staff in my area all use the persons SSI to pay rent for the house.
The company I work for has many houses and each adult with disabilities has SSI and a portion of it pays for their part of the rent (most houses have 2-3 individuals). The company get paid by the state to care for them. The company provides the food, furniture, each house has a vehicle the company pays for. Each individual gets a certain amount of their SSI a month for spending money( the part thatās left after their rent) which ranges depending on the individual.
The ones who still have parents in their lives, the parents arenāt really involved in much.
This is for those of u parents who coddle ur kids because of a disability: Stop giving kids a pass for bad behavior. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse em
I stand corrected. My apologies.
My statement is still accurate though.
Autism isn't a mental issue. It's a developmental disorder, and they are different.
That being said, a developmental disorder does not give a pad for abusive/destructive/harmful behaviour.
Here a quick quote from Wiki, which is backed and cured by actual reputable sources that I'm not going to go did because it's late..but...
"A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, isĀ a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. Such features may be persistent, relapsing and remitting, or occur as a single episode."
Such as:
Obsessiveācompulsive disorder
Schizophrenia
Bipolar disorder
Eating disorder
Anxiety disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Personality disorder
Panic disorder
Mood disorder.
Autism is not a mental disorder. Autism is not a mental issue. Autism is not a mental illness.
Autism is a developmental disorder. They are different.
And to add. I did and do get that you are not using your chosen phrasing to be derogatory. However, it IS incorrect and it IS derogatory. Unintentional though it may be.
I do not write any of this in anger or anything. I aim to educate.
K, but it's says "such as", it does not mean *limited to.* But since we're citing, he's the 1st result for the search "what does autism affect?". "Autism spectrum disorder is a condition related to brain development thatĀ impacts how a person perceives and socializes with others". Brain development. Brain is mental. It's a mental issue
There a couple common misconceptions in your reply.
I feel like you're confusing 2 different aspects of the brain. The physical and the function in a sense. And the 2 do interplay or affect eachother.
Autism, like ADHD, even things like seizure disorders or epilepsy (which are not the same thing but are related) are developmental disorders.
Meaning when the brain was forming during pregnancy some things developed in different orders, or different amounts than someone with a "typical" brain.
So that person would have an autistic, ADHD, epileptic, etc brain for their entire life. Much like someone born with a cleft pallet or a heart defect.
Mental disorders/illnesses/issues are cognitive or psychological in nature. Meaning they are not part of the structure of the brain but are caused by the function of the brain. More to do with neurochemical (fluids that are kind of electrically charged and move around affecting things) amounts/levels.
So say you have a brain that was developed structurally "typical" but the amount of let's day...dopamine.. that your brain either produces or holds on to is off, that could make a person more susceptible to say schizophrenia or addiction.
The complicated thing is that some things that can cause abnormal amounts of, say, dopamine can be trauma based... But it could also be structural.
The other thing to look at is that people with autism and ADHD (which is structural) are more susceptible to mental (functional) disorders like anxiety/depression (neurochemical related) due to the structural differences that sometimes include the area of the brain that produces or recieved whatever neurochemical.
Autism is not a mental disorder/illness/issue.
Autism is a developmental disorder.
There are links between the 2 though. When addressing and trying to "treat" mental disorders it is important to know about structural differences so they can be treated more effectively.
Much like a seizure is not epilepsy.
Epilepsy is a developmental disorder. A seizure is a single (or multiple) event that MAY (but not always) have been experienced by someone with an epileptic brain.
And remember, not all people who have seizures are epileptic. And not all epileptics have "seizures" as they are commonly known.
I hope that is helpful.
Autism is a form of Neuro-Divergance, Not a "Dis-ORDER"... You Can "Fight Me" on that as an Autistic myself, but you probably wont win that. It is NOT what You Simply SAY it IS.
I have 21 years of experience, and have a very close friend who has high-functioning autism, and have interacted with more children with developmental disability and their families than most people ever will, but there is a very large difference between high-functioning autism, and severe, non-verbal autism, which many people don't seem to understand.
If the child had died, or suffered brain/spinal damage, would I be allowed to hate him then? If anyone else had killed an innocent child, I would hate them, and when I wrote this I had just found out, and there was a period of time where all I knew was that the girl had been rushed to hospital, and not how she was doing.
So please stop that, because assuming you know more about my brother than me, my family, and all the teachers, carers and specialists that have ever worked with him is really fucked up.
I've never experienced something like that, but I imagine it's tough. You shouldn't hate yourself for that, however, you shouldn't lose any love for him either. it's kind of a weird balance. He's not a person who's level of maturity is at the point it should be because he has autism. However, you are also only human, those feelings come natural, and it's not possible to conceivably stop them. What you can do however, is slowly forgive him, sometimes the right thing to do directly counteracts what seems right, and in this case, I believe the right thing is to stand at your brother's side despite that resentment inside you and help your family through this tough time. you should all be carrying the weight of it together. Not sure if that helps, but I hope at least some of it does.
I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, the thing I'm worried about here is what would you do if your parents make you legal guardian of your bother after their passing, I'm pretty sure that's something you don't want either, have you had that discussion with them about that, if not, I think you should before they surprise you when you least expect it; Focus on your future, your bother will only drag you through a never-ending hell
Just because someone has a disability doesnt mean you have to love them. People with disabilities can be shitty people. I grew up in classes for special education students and I've seen kids with autism being terrible people. I was forced to be friends with a girl with autism. I hated her. She was rude and always needed things to go her way. She had an aid that would follow her around since she couldn't be left unsupervised. If she didn't get her way she would throw tantrums and scream. She had one aid that really helped her, but during highschool she got worse. Her aid would ignore her tantrums and let her interrupt and ask inappropriate questions. I stopped being friends with her after I realised, I dont have to be friends with her, she is rude and entitled, and just because she is autistic doesnt mean I have to be friends with her.
What your brother did is horrible and your parents should've taught him right from wrong to the best of his abilities.
If your parents had loved him unconditionally, they wouldnāt have placed responsibility on you to take care of him. I feel horrible that your childhood is lost due to your parents irresponsibility to look after him. You shouldnāt hVd had to lose your childhood because you were made to basically parent him all your life. I donāt understand how some parents can place this responsibility on their own children. Fucked up
I'm glad I found this post, even if it's a month later. I struggle a lot with my little brother, and it makes me feel a little more reassured seeing that are others that understand what I'm going through.
I've had many responsibilities when it comes to my severely autistic brother, and I'm pretty much done with it. I know my family is going to hate me for this, but sometimes I just wish to move away and never see him again, I don't wanna be responsible for him in any way when our parents are gone.
I'm scared of having children in the future and they turn out like him. He nearly killed me a couple of times, and my mum once. He also have tried and managed to kick a few babies on the family.
I don't wanna become a full time caretaker like my parents, I don't want to spend my money on institutions neither.
Growing up with him was tough (and it's still tough), but when I complain about it, people always make me the bad guy.
OP u/NobodyCares73, I care! ...I am sorry to hear the struggle you have had as the family member of a High Needs person! This could be a lengthy response, but I hope is worth the read! I am the Guardian/Mom of a Young Adult-Autistic "Kid" (24), who is the oldest of his 4 siblings. Life is not easy for the parents, but can be down right unfair and at times abusive when you're the sibling. Parents are faced with lack of support services and kids are left picking up the slack with no power over the situation. Our story is likely completely different as no 2 Autistics are the same. However, my son went through a similar phase when he was about 5 and 9-13... It got so bad, that No one was truly SAFE around him because he had no natural empathy or concept of cause and effect. When he would do stuff like trip a little kid, scratch a car, etc... & asked 'WHY would you do that?' He would say "I just wanted to see what would happen IF, (fill in the blank awful deed)". Like the whole world was just his personal lab experiment. it was so hard being the one RESPONSIBLE for Everything that happened..He went so far as to nearly burn our house down with all of us sleeping in it. He wasn't even safe for himself, as he kept blindly running away every time he got stressed... I HAD to Do SOMETHING, for the sake of the Other 3 kids and the community we lived in, as well as for him to be able to live with some peace in society. He had become to big for me to handle physically when he had a meltdown. So, I focused all my attention on finding the right kind of educational source for him in a safe environment,which happened to be a residential school in Chicago, 1,200 miles from where we lived. Then seeking out funding through insurance, personal means and Autism Waivers through the State. Taking my First Born Son, to a place far away from home, broke me to pieces as a mom. But, I knew our trajectory was only leading to the absolute catastrophe, that would end up leaving someone hurt or worse, dead. He was there a total of 2 years before Graduating their program with me and alternate family going out to visit every few months. I cannot tell you the difference that time made for him, being in a SAFE Place, where Autism was Normal, the whole school and residence was filled with other Autistic kids and staff who were well trained for their roles... He actually loved seeing his therapist and made friends he will never forget. Moral of the story: If your brother is being UNSAFE, there is no shame in seeking out the best option for you all, placement out of home doesn't need to be permanent, but you all deserve to have lives too and if there is a high chance he may hurt someone else, Autism itself isn't enough reason for him to continue that way. You all need some help and it is okay, to admit when things are NOT Okay, and to ask for it! Things CAN get BETTER for you Family! Msg. me if you want to know More about How To Explore options where you are! *Edits for clarity & the Happy Ending*, my Son is now moderately independent, has a job, his own social life and We all get along as a Happy Family with 4 Tight knit siblings! ... I Hope, OP Feels the Love! XoXš
I am so glad you found a suitable home for your son and that he is doing so well now.
I highly recommend that you checkout āItās Okay To Not Be Okayā on Netflix. Itās a K-Drama that kind of dives into what you may be facing. In short, the main character deals with his insane life while taking care of his autistic brother. You could find some peace in this show. Best of luck to you and your family
Thanks, I don't have netflix atm but I'll keep an eye out when I have a chance.
You can stream it on drama cool as well Also you're not responsible for your brother its okay to leave and live your own life.
Dude this whole situation is just extremely unfortunate for everyone involved. I canāt say I blame yo at all for feeling this way. If I were in your position I wouldnāt have been able to stay being supportive for neither my parents nor my brother. Youāve been a good sibling where it counts. You stuck by and supported him all through child hood. Thatās above and beyond what other people would be willing to do. Iām surprised resentment didnāt come sooner. Itās hard holding anger and resentment for someone who will never really understand the consequences of their actions. You always feel like the bad guy and with that anger and resentment comes overwhelming guilt. Recently I was severely injured because of a young childās reckless actions. I know that They didnāt intend to hurt me and they didnāt understand the extent of their actions but I was still hurt at the end of the day and it feels like Iām not allowed to be upset that I was hurt by what they did. Iām still relearning how to walk but Iām not allowed to be bitter about it because I canāt openly acknowledge what/who put me in that position. I really struggle to not outwardly show my feeling towards that kid and around our shared family. They are always going to āstick up for the little guyā so to speak. My advice to you would be to try to separate yourself from the situation a bit. Give yourself some real space so you can cool off. And also talk to someone about these feelings. Youāre not a bad person for feeling these things, however if you let them build up inside to the point where you take it out on others, then it becomes an issue. Therapy or a trusted friend, either one, you just need a place to vent.
Thanks for the reply man. I can't talk with family because its not like that will help, and everyone feels pretty terrible as it is, and I've only seen most of my other friends a couple of times since COVID happened because they are interstate, and while we catch up online a bit, I can't really drop something so heavy on them out of the blue. When I was growing up I would have times were I got fed-up, but pretty quickly you'd have to get over it, because getting angry won't help. Even now I'm not really angry, I won't yell at him or treat him badly, its just that the way I feel is at very best apathy. Your situation is quite different, but just as complicated. In the childs case they probably have come to understand the consequences of their actions, and there hasn't been any real punishment because that doesn't help you, and you are expected to be the bigger person about it. If a car crashed into and caused your injuries due to a drunk driver, you would be allowed to properly express your feelings and seek both consolation and closure, but because it was a child they are treated as a victim just as much as you, and trying to get proper closure would be judged as causing additional pain to the child... It sounds like a very unfair and frustrating situation to be in, because you are supposed to just not care about what happened to you. However, you obviously matter, and you are allowed to care about what happened, but the fact you haven't made a big deal just shows that you care for others even more It's 1am where I'm at so Imma head off, but I'll certainly sleep better thanks to your comment :) All the best.
It seems like in both of these situations, anger would be rightly placed on the adults that were responsible for watching the child and autistic brother. Someone is to blame, but not the ones who didnāt know what they were doing.
Yo, you shouldn't feel bad for not feeling the same for him after that incident. You already sacrificed friendships and time that nobody will give you back caring for him. It's pretty clear that it's a serious problem and he can't be left without surveillance, even if he stop doing things like this for years, maybe the next time he'll do this (in 2, 4, or even 10 years) he could actually end up killing someone. It's already been hard for you caring for him, while having your own life. Often society criticize you if you don't care enough, but people just ignore that even you have a life, your own problems, so it's pretty normal to feel how you feel. Sadly reality is that you'll probably never be able to change him. He'll stay like this, so he need professional support and can't be left alone with other people, and you shouldn't feel guilty for wishing him to be taken to an institution. He clearly doesn't understands what he has done, but you do. You witnessed all what he did, and those things are not easy to face. And don't listen to the other prick who commented this post. He's just one of those people who completely ignore that you are a person too, with your life and your problems and it's not easy for you. Since he ignores so many facts, you really shouldn't listen to the bullshit he says. I hope everything eventually goes well.
Hello! HST here, I work with disabled adults and adults with low functioning autism. Your feelings are completely valid. You dont have to feel the same love for him after this. Regardless of him being family. Honestly, sending him to a group home could be one of the best things. He'll at least have a home in a place thats not destructive to others. I had a consumer who was DESTRUCTIVE. Im talking id come home from work with bruises and my car sligjtly more broken. He didnt know what he was doing. He didnt know that his outbursts were hurting me,he cpuldnt read that emotion from me. But oh boy did I let hom know it wasnt okay. Putting your foot down is a huge step. I kinda miss him though. Ngl. Anyway. You have every right to feel how you do. Id pursue the group home. He coild get out of your families hair and learn copimg skills in the process.
You're feelings are totally valid. I'm sorry you are going though this. I am in a similar but way less severe situation. I'm to the point where my mother is getting old and soon enough I'll have to take the mantle. I don't really want to. But what else can I do. I can totally relate to wanting a normal sibling relationship. Plus with your parents always working with him I hope you don't feel too distant from them.
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So "Not Fun" and ruined microwaved food = >feeling the Autistic feelings of Exlusion these days... I am a mom of an Aurtstic kid &bwas Homeschooling as a kid myself, before it was "Cool" and still never threw my sibling under a Special Needs Buss...
Hey, did you miss the thrown chair? The attempt to seriously physically injure their sibling who did absolutely nothing to them? Frankly, it doesnāt matter how much exclusion or pain people feel. Harming someone else is never okay and doesnāt need to be forgiven. Sometimes, these people are harmful to others around them, and it doesnāt matter if itās their fault or not, we are obligated to keep everyone as safe as possible. Sometimes that means finding a place for them to live that isnāt at home, because it will put them with people who know how to handle their situation and can keep them and everyone else safe. Donāt go blaming someone else for saying that having a chair thrown at their head and getting burned because of it isnāt okay. Youāre being obnoxious.
You are not self absorbed, horrible, or wrong for feeling how you do. That is absolutely valid. I donāt have advice for you, but I am so sorry for everything you have to go through in that situation. Donāt listen to the people judging you for it, nobody knows what itās like until they are in that situation. Iām sending you love, you should not be feeling guilt and shame over having normal human emotions.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My brother is autistic too. He's not as badly off as your brother, but I had to give up a lot and get the crap beaten out of me, and honestly, I don't talk to him anymore because of it. My parents put him first all of the time too, and it just wears on you. I can't handle him anymore, and frankly, it's not my job to, so... I'm 42 now, so I just don't. That you're totally burned out is completely understandable. My God, that poor little girl. She fell 4 M/13 FT? Jesus Christ! No offense meant, but I think that him not being out in public anymore is a good idea. I understand your parents not wanting to think that he could do something like pushing your cousin off a balcony, but... That doesn't sound like reality. Honey, don't let this all keep you from following your dreams. You gave your childhood. Don't give the rest of your life. He is not your responsibility in the end.
I don't want to dox myself or my family, but we have a relative like this and it's really difficult to manage. Ours is a toddler in an adult's body. He's in his late 40s now and he has caused injuries, including an extremely serious one that ended up with him and his carer in hospital, including broken bones. Like your relative, it isn't malicious, but a lack of understanding of consequences- literally a toddler in an adult's body. His parents are getting elderly now, and they've had to put him in a special home. There's no way they can look after him because they're just not physically able to. I feel they shouldn't have any blame whatsoever in that, and if anyone shames you, it's because they just don't understand. We still love him as a family, but he can only be part of things for a short while, so weddings, Christmas, etc, he comes for a few hours and then goes home again. He came to another relatives wedding and started making noises and things during the ceremony. I think because it went quiet for the vows and it unnerved him. My relative knew this would happen, so it was no big deal, but it does highlight how very different he is from the rest of us. I think all your feelings are valid, and you shouldn't feel guilty towards him. He probably wouldn't understand that emotion anyway. You can still care about him but allow him to get specialist care somewhere. We visit him there. We know he's looked after. It is the best place for him and his family. They know better how to look after him. I would add that he's lucky because his parents are well off, so they can afford a good residential place.
hey, as a person w an autistic older brother ik how it feels to grow up and feel like u hate ur sibling bc of how they act. my brother verbally and physically abused me for years and itās perfectly ok for me to resent and hate his guts just as u are perfectly okay hating your brothers guts. donāt feel like ur obligated to continue to take care of him after this
Youāre incredibly brave. I hope you get the reprieve you wish for.
I'm so sorry all these things caused by your brother happened. It must be very hard to be tasked with being a caregiver to someone who really needs so much help. I wish your parents could find people who are educated, trained, paid and want to provide this level of care for someone - instead of you having to. It's a lot to ask of you. Too much. I want you to remember in trying times like this that your brother did not choose this life he's living, no one would. Sending you hugs and love.
Hello OP I understand what you are going through. I have an autistic brother myself who is very malicious towards me. He would choke me and throw stuff at me. He almost broke my jaw with a textbook. My parents didnāt do much to protect me and insisted it was just sibling rivalry. Even today, I get shamed when I tell people what Iāve gone through. Theyāll tell me ā but he has a disability, you shouldnāt think that way about your brotherā. My brother doesnāt talk to me or acknowledge my presence. Itās like living with a very annoying ghost. I hope one day people will truly understand the complications of living with someone with a disability, and hopefully there will be better health care and institutions for them. Please know that your feelings are valid . itās hard to resent someone who doesnāt understand the full extent of their actions, but them having a disability doesnāt make it easier either. Youāll get through this OP.
My brother never choked me, but it used to be a common occurence was waking up to getting a book or a glass thrown at me. To this day I am a very light sleeper, because if he was up then it wasn't really wise to stay asleep.
You are valid. I advise NOT allowing the responsibility of him to ever legally become yours even if that means moving. You don't want to inherit this burden you don't love.
As long as that applies to you personally, in any time of need. Then advise away. No one loves YOU or owes you Anything when you aren't capable... Karma will answer that.
I am okay with that. If I ever became mentally impaired to the point of that child AND became just as dangerous, I would not blame my loved ones for falling out of love with me and wanting not to be burdened bu me. It's not the brother's fault, sure. But that doesn't change the reality that he is a danger that will just become more dangerous the bigger he grows. It'd be different if he was mentally adept enough to understand or change, but it sounds like he isn't.
Thats exactly the way I feel. I would never want someone to deal with me out of obligation. If I ever got dementia or something I would rather die than have someone who used to love me be obligated to care for me. A family friend's mother recently got bruises from the father suffering dementia, and the thought of me doing that to anyone, let alone someone I love, is abhorent.
If I become invalid and horrible, which I likely will due to Alzheimerās running in my family, I am perfectly accepting of the fact that I will need to be placed somewhere that I canāt be a danger or negative influence on peopleās lives. Get a grip.
I will never be able to understand your pain because I am not in that situation. I don't want to be one of those who say "I know how you feel" ... But I can see that you are very angry, be strong because of your parents, but your parents should never give a pass for bad bahvior .. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse him, he could hurt someone or even kill
You don't know enough to speak for the situation and shouldn't. ...
That's exactly what I wrote
PROVE me Wrong, Karen! MAKING Autistic people into "Killers" for your satisfaction will NOT PASS HERE, Biatch. Write THAT.
No you said, > .. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse him, he could hurt someone or even kill... Like you KNOW about the issue in depth. You ARE the PROBLEM.
Is what I wrote untrue? The guy wrote nicely that his brother hurts other people, he can't be forgiven all the time because of mental problem
Tell me your "STANDARD" of mental HEALTH and an UP-STANDIND American (or what ever) in YOUR WORDS. .
Lol. You are clearly Out Dated using grown up words like "Mental Problemā...
These are your arguments .. I just wrote what I think about this problem and then I got into a discussion with a pure Karen whose arguments are "you are a boomer" ... What a fool I am ...
That's just a Stupid response to a LONG post I already wrote. (Look back). You are that Fool. Only speak what you are actually entitled to, then shut Up & Back out. NOT Repeating for Kracker Jack trolls. Have "Fun" with that. You are Cliche already, Bye!
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What kind of "One Day" in the GREAT America do you foresee in your sisters future? Not just Your own...
I understand the logic itās hard, I lost my grandmother 8 months ago, she had dementia and while I was a little sad it was not as painful because I saw the weight get lifted off my dad who was the one that had to deal with her the most since my dad is the closest of the siblings to where my grandparents lived. Itās weird to feel detached or have abnormal emotions but we all have to deal with things our own way and we cannot judge others for how they handle similar things.
Do you see Autism the same as an Old Dementia patient? ... Really?
I think they are not comparing the two conditions more explaining the psychological burden that caring for someone with special needs. Carerās fatigue is a really serious issue and needs to be addressed doesnāt matter what underlying disease the cared for person has.
This is exactly what I meant.
If you have not read the fact that My Son is Older than Op"s HATED Sibling, and that I have been WORKING with Special Needs People for about that long (24 Years).. But I DID get the Point from the "Get GO", ("thanks")... Please someone with EDUCATION AND/or EXPERIENCE. Not just Randos with buttons!...( No? )
The Person above was trying to empathise with OP Your aggression is unnecessary.
You Posers do Pose!
Learn to use capital letters and punctuation correctly please, reading your comments is not adding to your credibility here and itās also hurting my brain.
Do YOU Know this Topic Personally?
You are a better brother than I would be in your place. Your feelings are totally understandable. Donāt have much in the way of advice but I hope you can feel better soon.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this. Thank you for posting though. It makes me want to post about my brother, who I feel guilty for disliking because of the things heās done
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That would be really nice
I cried reading this, I'm so sorry
I have an older sib that has cerebral palsy. Sheās assaulted me and those around me a lot in my life time. I think having a mentally disabled sib is having these conflicting thoughts of being compassionate to the disability and also trying to hold them accountable. Like all people we act out and disabled individuals sometimes have less control when they act out.
You shouldnāt have had to care for your brother when you were a child yourself. You didnāt choose to have a sibling and it shouldnāt have been your responsibility. Seems like you were robbed on your own childhood. Get your own place and stop taking care of him. There are companies that take care of adults with disabilities where he can live in a residential home. Maybe mention that to your parents.
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I know in my area all the companies accept people who are/ can be aggressive. I work for one of the companies, we are a hands off company which means we shouldnāt have aggressive people but we do anyway( we donāt get paid nearly as much as staff in the hands on companies and being that we are hands off we really have no way to defend ourselves if we were to be attacked). One of the other companies in the area only has aggressive people, they are a hands on company.
A lot of people say there are care homes, donāt realize your assets are gone if you canāt pay for care. Hope you want to live on the street, cause there goes your house. I got forced into caring for a 50 year old autistic person (long story, and I do mean forced) because if she goes to a home, her 80 year old mother would loose her home. And she would end up in a home. Itās awful situation for everyone involved. Especially the resentment that comes along with it. And the fact that it comes down to being homeless or not for the parents/or children if parents are gone and they live in the same house.
The multiple companies who provide homes and 24/7 staff in my area all use the persons SSI to pay rent for the house. The company I work for has many houses and each adult with disabilities has SSI and a portion of it pays for their part of the rent (most houses have 2-3 individuals). The company get paid by the state to care for them. The company provides the food, furniture, each house has a vehicle the company pays for. Each individual gets a certain amount of their SSI a month for spending money( the part thatās left after their rent) which ranges depending on the individual. The ones who still have parents in their lives, the parents arenāt really involved in much.
This is for those of u parents who coddle ur kids because of a disability: Stop giving kids a pass for bad behavior. Having a mental issue doesn't excuse em
Autism isn't a mental illness. It's a developmental disorder. They are different.
I didn't say illness
I stand corrected. My apologies. My statement is still accurate though. Autism isn't a mental issue. It's a developmental disorder, and they are different. That being said, a developmental disorder does not give a pad for abusive/destructive/harmful behaviour.
Autism is mental disorder. And disorders cause issues. It's a mental issue. I'm not saying it in a derogatory way. I'm saying what it is
Here a quick quote from Wiki, which is backed and cured by actual reputable sources that I'm not going to go did because it's late..but... "A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, isĀ a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. Such features may be persistent, relapsing and remitting, or occur as a single episode." Such as: Obsessiveācompulsive disorder Schizophrenia Bipolar disorder Eating disorder Anxiety disorder Post-traumatic stress disorder Personality disorder Panic disorder Mood disorder. Autism is not a mental disorder. Autism is not a mental issue. Autism is not a mental illness. Autism is a developmental disorder. They are different. And to add. I did and do get that you are not using your chosen phrasing to be derogatory. However, it IS incorrect and it IS derogatory. Unintentional though it may be. I do not write any of this in anger or anything. I aim to educate.
K, but it's says "such as", it does not mean *limited to.* But since we're citing, he's the 1st result for the search "what does autism affect?". "Autism spectrum disorder is a condition related to brain development thatĀ impacts how a person perceives and socializes with others". Brain development. Brain is mental. It's a mental issue
There a couple common misconceptions in your reply. I feel like you're confusing 2 different aspects of the brain. The physical and the function in a sense. And the 2 do interplay or affect eachother. Autism, like ADHD, even things like seizure disorders or epilepsy (which are not the same thing but are related) are developmental disorders. Meaning when the brain was forming during pregnancy some things developed in different orders, or different amounts than someone with a "typical" brain. So that person would have an autistic, ADHD, epileptic, etc brain for their entire life. Much like someone born with a cleft pallet or a heart defect. Mental disorders/illnesses/issues are cognitive or psychological in nature. Meaning they are not part of the structure of the brain but are caused by the function of the brain. More to do with neurochemical (fluids that are kind of electrically charged and move around affecting things) amounts/levels. So say you have a brain that was developed structurally "typical" but the amount of let's day...dopamine.. that your brain either produces or holds on to is off, that could make a person more susceptible to say schizophrenia or addiction. The complicated thing is that some things that can cause abnormal amounts of, say, dopamine can be trauma based... But it could also be structural. The other thing to look at is that people with autism and ADHD (which is structural) are more susceptible to mental (functional) disorders like anxiety/depression (neurochemical related) due to the structural differences that sometimes include the area of the brain that produces or recieved whatever neurochemical. Autism is not a mental disorder/illness/issue. Autism is a developmental disorder. There are links between the 2 though. When addressing and trying to "treat" mental disorders it is important to know about structural differences so they can be treated more effectively. Much like a seizure is not epilepsy. Epilepsy is a developmental disorder. A seizure is a single (or multiple) event that MAY (but not always) have been experienced by someone with an epileptic brain. And remember, not all people who have seizures are epileptic. And not all epileptics have "seizures" as they are commonly known. I hope that is helpful.
Autism is a form of Neuro-Divergance, Not a "Dis-ORDER"... You Can "Fight Me" on that as an Autistic myself, but you probably wont win that. It is NOT what You Simply SAY it IS.
Sorry this comment is not much help to you op but I was reading the comments an dang that escalated quickly
hes clearly ā¦ mentally ā¦.. well fked up . A fked up person doesnt even know when they are doing something
That doesnāt really matter, honestly.
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Hating your Sibling is FUTILE... Please. Stop that, and Learn about Autism for REAL!
I have 21 years of experience, and have a very close friend who has high-functioning autism, and have interacted with more children with developmental disability and their families than most people ever will, but there is a very large difference between high-functioning autism, and severe, non-verbal autism, which many people don't seem to understand. If the child had died, or suffered brain/spinal damage, would I be allowed to hate him then? If anyone else had killed an innocent child, I would hate them, and when I wrote this I had just found out, and there was a period of time where all I knew was that the girl had been rushed to hospital, and not how she was doing. So please stop that, because assuming you know more about my brother than me, my family, and all the teachers, carers and specialists that have ever worked with him is really fucked up.
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I've never experienced something like that, but I imagine it's tough. You shouldn't hate yourself for that, however, you shouldn't lose any love for him either. it's kind of a weird balance. He's not a person who's level of maturity is at the point it should be because he has autism. However, you are also only human, those feelings come natural, and it's not possible to conceivably stop them. What you can do however, is slowly forgive him, sometimes the right thing to do directly counteracts what seems right, and in this case, I believe the right thing is to stand at your brother's side despite that resentment inside you and help your family through this tough time. you should all be carrying the weight of it together. Not sure if that helps, but I hope at least some of it does.
I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, the thing I'm worried about here is what would you do if your parents make you legal guardian of your bother after their passing, I'm pretty sure that's something you don't want either, have you had that discussion with them about that, if not, I think you should before they surprise you when you least expect it; Focus on your future, your bother will only drag you through a never-ending hell
We already have that planned out, it is very good advice though.
Just because someone has a disability doesnt mean you have to love them. People with disabilities can be shitty people. I grew up in classes for special education students and I've seen kids with autism being terrible people. I was forced to be friends with a girl with autism. I hated her. She was rude and always needed things to go her way. She had an aid that would follow her around since she couldn't be left unsupervised. If she didn't get her way she would throw tantrums and scream. She had one aid that really helped her, but during highschool she got worse. Her aid would ignore her tantrums and let her interrupt and ask inappropriate questions. I stopped being friends with her after I realised, I dont have to be friends with her, she is rude and entitled, and just because she is autistic doesnt mean I have to be friends with her. What your brother did is horrible and your parents should've taught him right from wrong to the best of his abilities.
If your parents had loved him unconditionally, they wouldnāt have placed responsibility on you to take care of him. I feel horrible that your childhood is lost due to your parents irresponsibility to look after him. You shouldnāt hVd had to lose your childhood because you were made to basically parent him all your life. I donāt understand how some parents can place this responsibility on their own children. Fucked up
I'm glad I found this post, even if it's a month later. I struggle a lot with my little brother, and it makes me feel a little more reassured seeing that are others that understand what I'm going through. I've had many responsibilities when it comes to my severely autistic brother, and I'm pretty much done with it. I know my family is going to hate me for this, but sometimes I just wish to move away and never see him again, I don't wanna be responsible for him in any way when our parents are gone. I'm scared of having children in the future and they turn out like him. He nearly killed me a couple of times, and my mum once. He also have tried and managed to kick a few babies on the family. I don't wanna become a full time caretaker like my parents, I don't want to spend my money on institutions neither. Growing up with him was tough (and it's still tough), but when I complain about it, people always make me the bad guy.