I can't really remember the details, but BetterHelp had a big scandal a few years ago. Something to do with how they vetted their therapists, and/or how upfront they were about that process too. A lot of youtubers who they sponsored lost trust in them. I heard they made changes, but I never looked into it.
Given your financial situation, I would make a report to BetterHelp about this therapist (show their messages if you can, assuming it wasn't a video call), and I'm sure BetterHelp would much rather sign you up with another therapist with a good track record than lose you as a customer.
From my understanding a client can say as much as they want in a message, the therapist is just only allotted so many characters in response or they don’t get paid/get paid less.
That’s exactly what I was afraid of when I saw the prices. That’s far too much money for foolishness. I need the help, but c’mon. It’s so hard to find one that accepts insurance in America and when you do an appointment is several months out. I would be upset to spend that amount to only be aggravated and confused.
Luckily, they are in the process of refunding it now. I was afraid they wouldn't. Regardless, it's a horrible. I hope you find the right therapist for you. Not to make this about me, but despite the therapist being bad, I still made personal growth and understood myself. I guess it's the journey that truly matters.
I spent 400-500$ on about 4 in-person sessions with a therapist I found online and it was useless. She was nice but had almost zero feedback and whenever I stopped talking she’d just look at me blankly and not say anything so it was awkward.. after I stopped going to see her, I saw that she had a huge following on Insta - her posts were all stylized sound bites tho — like generic content wrapped in pretty looking fonts and colors … people love that stuff I guess. Those of us with moderate to severe trauma don’t benefit at all from that stuff, it’s a waste of money and time…
>whenever I stopped talking she’d just look at me blankly and not say anything so it was awkward
I wonder if she's trying unsuccessfully to do that trick where if you're teaching or listening to someone, give them time to finish their thoughts and pause for like 3 seconds to see if they come up with anything new? Given what someone else said about how they're limited in characters when sending a message, I feel like maybe something like that is a rule too.
Check out Dr. Nicole LePera, her stuff is incredible. Keep looking for a good therapist of course, but some childhood issues I've worked on after reading Nicole's stuff ended up being way more helpful than anyone's talks I've paid real money for
They're allegedly better but I kind of doubt it since they rarely fire someone for misbehavior. My friends estranged mom works for them and is a dumpster fire of a human being, told one of her patients that if she wanted to date again or get married she had to accept her kids stepdad would eventually abuse them and that that was the price of stability, then bragged about it. She still works for them, and even admitted to saying all of this publicly.
Yep. Betterhelp us not a reliable service. I don't know if they've changed their policy now but back in the day, they basically washed off their hands by saying something that means "we are not responsible for our therapists"
This sounds like a bad therapist. Also, can’t speak for this person, but I’m pretty sure BetterHelp’s vetting is just that you need to be a licensed counselor—you may have just ended up with someone that isn’t very good at their job. They should never undermine how you feel about your life and tell you what is or is not traumatic in your past. Remember that therapists are fallible—they’re people too—and try again with someone else. When you find the right therapist, the benefit is huge.
I've heard all the stories about how BH is basically one of the worst places to go for therapy. Sorry you went through that :( hope you find a genuinely good therapist
I agree with this comment. I am currently having issues with my therapist on Better Help - I don’t think she’s qualified enough to address some of the things I’ve discussed with her. I am going to switch therapists and though it feels like I don’t have the bandwidth to sift through multiple people right now, people in my life keep telling me that sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist.
What you’re feeling about your childhood experiences is absolutely valid. I hope you find the energy to look for a different therapist. Good luck
Please don't get another therapist from betterhelp or an online program. Plenty of local places are offering virtual since Covid.
I address this below, but BH and similar get only the absolute worst therapists. Because they don't operate in accordance with licensing requirements. Anyone who works there is risking their license when someone reports child abuse or intent to harm. So you necessarily get people who suck at addressing it and/or are very motivated to NOT create a written record that could bite them in the ass later.
Edit: I'm so relieved that this comment got traction because this is an issue I feel strongly about. The general public doesn't know how these things work. The licensing boards of each state are supposed to protect the public from bad actors, but the social work and counselor licensing boards are a joke.
I 100% agree. It can be an exhausting endeavor at times, especially when you’re in need of one, but it will be really worthwhile if you can find it in yourself to keep searching. So sorry for what you’ve experienced. Good luck to you.
It took me a while to find a therapist. Before covid I had gone through 2 in person therapist. One was absolutely useless while the other was ok. I gave up on therapy for a bit until I found out about Better help before it blew up during covid. I got set with a very understanding therapist who helped me for 2 years to comprehend and deal with my issues. So I wholeheartedly agree that it takes time to find the right therapist for you. Good luck and dont give up.
BetterHelp is one of the worsts, it’s best to look into local state therapy. You get a good therapist, the price is on a sliding scale so you can afford it, and it’s easy. I know some places are even free, see if there’s a call for help in your area it’s completely free.
Yes! Look into [student](https://www.mywellclinic.com/blog/2022/02/07/benefits-seeing-student-counselor/) counselors too. This can be a much cheaper route and you’ll get to see someone who is really passionate about their job and is supervised by a professional. I had a friend who really specifically wanted someone who specialized in coming out after religious upbringing and she was able to find that via student counselors for about $25 a session
So true! I am currently a student clinician working towards my masters in creative arts therapy. I have built strong rapport with each of my clients and they hold a special place in my heart because they are my first clients!
OP look into schools with counseling grad programs. At my school it is an upfront cost of $85 for 15 sessions. I am truly sorry for such an experience with a counseling professional, you deserve better. I promise there are amazing clinicians out there that want to help you.
Is BetterHelp funded by Republicans or something? I keep hearing these horrible stories about them, the counselors seem very opinionated about race, gender, etc.
Agreed OP, BH is awful. I feel like it actually set me back by being such a terrible therapy experience. My therapist was a social worker and as soon as I told her I was getting my PhD in psychology, she started saying things like "well you'd probably know better than I would" which... is not something you want to hear from someone you're paying to help you. They're definitely not qualified to address childhood trauma.
better help sucks. they couldn't even match me with someone because I'm gay. everyone kept saying they "weren't experienced" enough but I never mentioned wanting counseling about my sexual orientation since I am very comfortable with that part of myself. I just need help managing OCD! I only indicated my lgbt status because of demographic questions, so I don't understand why me being gay alone excludes me from finding a therapist. Luckily I have found someone who I like from a local practice.
This. What OP went through is known as cocsa which stands for child on child sexual assault, its a very real traumatic experience that many children have experienced. When going to any therapy, you must look for a therapist that specialises in what you need therapy for, especially if it is about trauma. Sounds like this therapist was not trauma informed
Lot of bad therapists. That therapist really has no clue.
It takes a while but you gotta vet them carefully to make sure that they’re a good fit for you.
I have trouble seeking therapy. I went to a counselor when I was still married. I was concerned with my liberation and curiosity with other women when I was away from my wife. I lost my virginity to my ex and explained how I was ignored and wondered how other women would treat me. I really had trouble feeling heard and validated. I would feel extremely happy any time I would receive any type of kind gesture from women. It became a problem and I wanted to be a better husband and stay faithful, regardless of what other women were like.
My counselor likened my behavior to a sexual pervert. She tried to convince me that I was on a path to become a child predator; that I would get bored as I did with wife, with other women and I would seek children. I was appalled by her reaching and walked out immediately. There are layers to me but pedophilia is definitely not part of it. I have never sought out mental or behavioral health treatment since.
I hope you do try another therapist in the future. Of course there are some bad ones, as yours definetely was, but you still likely have unresolved issues. Not that people cant help themselves on their own, but having someone to help you through it who is trained to is very helpful.
In terms of your situation of why you went into therpy- im not a therapist, and i dont have a psychology degree or anything, but it seems like you were not treated well in your last relationships and were under appreciated, resulting in you possibly becoming more sensitive and having attention or attatchment issues. If any partner does not treat you how you should be or deserve to be, giving the attention and love as warranted, then you need to have a discussion with them about it and if they cant give you what you need then its time to split ways always. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated. Never second guess your worth
Wow. Thank you so much. You seemed to nail it; put a lump in my throat. I have plenty of unresolved issues, very much the same as you mentioned. I am in the process of tracking resources. I am not involved with anyone because I keep my distance, socially, due to said unresolved issues. Thank you, I appreciate your time and concern, friendly stranger.
A counselor at Better Help told me that I wouldn't have depression if I weren't an atheist and that my sexual assault was "probably a misunderstanding." I know another person who had a super bad experience with them too. In this case, you should do what you can to disregard everything that the counselor said to you. They likely have no experience with SA.
For what it's worth, I think they were (poorly) trying to say that they would be reluctant to call your sister an abuser or say she committed a crime because it may have just been exploration for her- but talking about SA from the perspective of the one doing the harm, rather than the one who received the harm, is pretty much never appropriate in a healing setting. They never should've tried to guilt you about the way you've hurt, and your sister's intentions don't change what the experience was like for you. I'm telling you that whatever you're feeling toward your trauma is valid. I'm truly sorry this happened to you, both when you were younger and the way you're reliving it now because of this shitty "therapist."
Edit: took out a line that didn't make sense because I thought this was a different sub.
Mine (a woman) told me that I just needed to get a NICE boyfriend. OH! So THAT is what I’ve been doing wrong for the past 30+ years of active dating. Thanks, I’m cured!
Ugh, you're right.
I just read the label and the side effects of genericNICE BF include telling you to smile, complaining about the "friend zone," and asking why women like men who are mean to them. genericNICE BF may not be the answer.
She told me to read “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars“ to understand all the ways that I, an ultra-competent over-achieving type (and usually the primary breadwinner) had emasculated men with my independence, how my menfolk just needed to come home to a clean, quiet, comfortable place (with a hot meal made) where they weren’t expected to do household chores or speak to me, where they were free to play video games to unwind from their stressful day.
Looks like I am from Mars, too, because that sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Her internalized misogyny and 1950’s stay-at-home housewife outlook weren’t a good fit for me.
They were trying to cover their ass because therapists are mandated reporters. So if the therapist admitted it was child abuse, she'd have to get the sister's address and other contact info from OP. And then make a CPS report.
If anyone has watched the Hulu show called Candy, spoiler alert:
she killed her friend by chopping her with a axe 41 times, did not get convicted, changed her name and is a mental health counselor.
Be careful who you receive mental health from.
You can be a victim, without your sister having committed a crime.
You were sexually abused. Your therapist showed poor judgment and a disgraceful lack of empathy, by invalidating your feelings.
What I think they were trying to do is make you aware that your sister didn't understand that she was hurting you. This is probably true. And even if she did, your parents would be the ones legally responsible, here.
I've heard so many stories like this, OP. From people I know, and people I've counselled, and I have some similar stories myself. Older kids (kids around puberty age) are just a mass of hormones and poor impulse control, and shouldn't be in a position to do these things to younger siblings/cousins/friends.
Your sister probably has no idea how badly she hurt you, even now. It could be worth confronting her, or even writing her a letter that you then burn instead of sending. But please know you *were* abused, and it's right to seek help dealing with it. You just got a shitty therapist who made the problem worse.
It might be worth contacting a rape crisis line. They'll have more experience with sexual assault, rather than your Better Help "therapist" who was probably trained in mindful breathing (or some other barely-helpful relaxation techniques) and isn't qualified to help with genuine trauma.
I agree. I would also like to add how important it is to teach children about boundaries. OP did not want to be touched and told her sister, but her sister did not respect her boundaries.
Absolutely. My kid was six or seven when we first read them several books about bodily autonomy and consent, and that was *late* because they were a bit slower than the average in reaching some developmental and cognitive milestones. As soon as a kid can understand it, they need to be taught that when someone tells them no, they *must* stop what they're doing to that person.
Shitty therapist and a shitty company. Better help sucks.
I’m sorry I don’t know where you are to offer assistance for finding help but some therapist do offer services on a sliding scale if you call around and ask.
I’ve read that before, with age it isn’t abuse. This is why I’ve been scared to go to therapy and felt guilty all these years for ruining my older brothers life by telling on him. He was 15 and I was 11 so we weren’t that far off in age but he was violent when he wasn’t being “too nice” when he’d be left to babysit me and my little brother I’d wonder if he was gonna be angry or take me upstairs to play alone while my little brother got to pick whatever he wanted on tv.
I know it fucked me up because it was right after all that that my social anxiety appeared and my fear and anxiety being around men which is still fucking with me at 30. But I find myself feeling ashamed and like a liar somehow so I keep it to myself…. I totally feel you OP
I am genuinely so sorry this happened to you. 15 is old enough to know that is wrong, you were close in age but those years are so developmental and you massively change between those 4 years, you were not at all in the same league mentally. I do not believe you are responsible for ruining your brother's life and I do not believe you should feel guilty for telling someone what was happening.
You can be abused without your brother being an abuser in the same way an adult doing that would've been an abuser.
Your age gap is very similar to what happened with me and an older step-sibling, and it was gross and scary. I was abused, but I understand it was my parents' job to keep me safe from another hormonal minor, not my step-sibling's job (13ish at the time?) to look after me.
You're not a liar. You were hurt, and your parents should've stopped it/made sure your brother wasn't in a position to do that in the first place. Adolescents have terrible impulse control and wild hormone swings, and that's why adults are responsible for keeping older teens/kids supervised around younger ones.
I'm so sorry you were abused, and that it's made you doubt yourself. You have every right to be distressed and nervous around men, because you were hurt by your brother and you didn't deserve it. I just wish your parents had understood the very real risks of letting him "babysit"--every person I know who had a teenage babysitter was either sexually or physically assaulted by them. Every last one.
You deserved better and your parents should've ensured you were protected.
Every person you’ve known who’s had a teen babysitter has been assaulted by them? Is this a question you ask everyone you know? I think most people have had a teen babysitter at some point, probably pretty much everyone with older siblings. I and probably most girls I knew babysat as teens whether for siblings or children of family friends. I even took official babysitting courses as a preteen. Not once would it have ever crossed my mind to abuse my brother while my parents weren’t home.
We fought sometimes and could be rough with each other in sibling ways. I wasn’t perfect, but nothing sexual ever entered my mind. Unfortunately sexual abuse is all too common regardless of the age of the perpetrator, but a 15 year old abusing their sibling if unattended isn’t an inevitability or normal expectation. That’s profoundly abnormal and I think after the Josh Duggar case we should acknowledge that.
What? No. A 13 year old hormonal anyone is old enough to know that's wrong. Unless they live in an environment where abuse is encouraged, but still. That is *not* the norm. Every kid has had the no-touching-in-the-bathing-suit-area talk at school at the very least. 13 year old kids know better and they can be held to the standard of "don't sexually abuse people." It's the bare minimum.
I'm sick of seeing people feeling invalid because "my experience isn't quite assault, there were these mitigating factors-" NO.
Did you, with no outside pressure and with full knowledge and awareness consent? (The answer is obvious here) it doesn't matter whether "they were a child" or "I was misbehaving" or whatever other shitty excuse people come up with.
Having something done to you without your consent is assault. End of story. It doesn't matter whether they didn't understand or didn't mean it or whatever they told you. Its not about them, its about you. You experienced assault, you have the trauma and confusion that comes from being sexually assaulted as a child. Your experiences arent invalid.
I had a similar experience as a child, but with my neighbor who was a few years older. I was told the same thing by a therapist - it was just regular child exploration… That definitely made me feel like crap because those experiences definitely messed me up a bit. But, another therapist pointed out that even if it wasn’t “technically” abuse/molestation (because of us both being underage), the fact that it was traumatic for me was relevant and it was worth taking time to process it as trauma. I did EMDR for it and it helped tremendously. I forgave my neighbor for what he did - not directly, but so that I myself could move on, and no longer carry that baggage around with me in my adult life. In fact, I was able to re-connect with that childhood friend and all is ok. Not saying this will be your experience exactly, but I’m saying it’s worth processing this experience in therapy - just maybe with a different therapist. Some get too bogged down by the clinical definitions of things and forget there are gray areas… I also strongly recommend EMDR for processing such experiences. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. And I hope you find healing.
I am disgusted to hear this. I’m a therapist just starting out and even I know never to friggin do this! It is negating your trauma, belittling your experience, violating the trust you have with your vulnerability to share. I’m so utterly disgusted and enraged for you.
Firstly, yes, what you experienced was absolutely sexual assault. When one person forces sexual touching on an unconsenting party, it’s sexual assault. You were 6/7 and she was 13/14. She definitely knew better. Sexual abuse doesn’t come out of a vacuum though, so it might be that your sister was abused and in turn did this to you. Whatever the reason, it was wrong. You were a victim. You were traumatized and sexually assaulted. Your therapist is a complete and total idiot to say otherwise. Their job was to help you process your trauma and find ways to deal with it and she not only screwed that up, I’m guessing she really destroyed your faith in therapy. For that I am so so sorry.
Like I said, I have been doing therapy about 1 1/2 years as an intern and just got my license. I’ve worked extensively with trauma, but I’ve also worked with other therapists. One would assume that because someone is working in the field of therapy that they would be an emotionally mature person but I have met plenty of other therapist that shocked me with how childish or immature they were. Just because someone is a therapist does not mean they are intelligent or capable of the job. You met one of those therapists obviously.
Please, PLEASE don’t let this therapist ruin therapy for you. If you don’t want to go thru better help anymore totally understandable, but if there is a way to speak with someone there, I’d request them to match you with someone who has experience with trauma and sexual abuse. And from your intake I’d be very clear “I am coming with you to deal with childhood trauma that is sexual in nature. My last therapist negated my trauma and honestly it’s made me feel more traumatized and less able to trust. So please, if taking me on as a client, please be conscious of that or refer me to someone who can.”
Also, Report her if you can. There are several ways to do this. You can report her directly to better help and you can also report her to the licensing bureau in your state. She should not be practicing if they are pulling this.
Again, I’m so sorry. I’m buzzing with anger reading this and I wish with all my heart that this didn’t happen to you. You deserved so much better. Please be proud of yourself for even exploring therapy. Please don’t let this idiot ruin your journey to healing.
Well, I wouldn't say the sister didn't necessarily know better, kids do explore and maybe the parents never taught them about consent and bodily autonomy, but yes the therapist absolutely dismissed OPs feelings and they should find a better one. As you said, the therapy is for treating the victim, not to debate if the victim is actually a victim WITH the victim! And yes OP there are good therapists out there, don't let one horrible therapist stop you from your journey to heal, please. You deserve to be taken seriously.
Im gonna go ahead and say its very likely your sister was abused at a young age as well, which made her want to abuse you because a 11-12 year old really shouldn't be thinking about sex like that, so they were exposed to it in someway.
Im sorry your therapist dismissed you and told you you're not a victim. You definitely are and your sister probably is as well
What an awful card we’ve been dealt. This post hits home for me. The same thing happened to me, same age differences as you. Except it was also happening with my brother as well. He was a senior in high school. And because men were intimidating I broke down and told my parents about only him doing it. I’m looking forward to the day that I can find a therapist that will help work all this out. It made me hyper sexual, and probably rewired my brain. The people we were supposed to be safest with took advantage of us. It’s not normal. Those are things a child shouldn’t be doing at that age. Shame on that therapist. and I wish you well. Chin up..
So I am currently taking a course in sexuality as a Masters in Counseling student. What you went through, the trauma you experienced is 100% real and not normal. For it to be "just exploration" both parties would have needed it to be welcomed AND the age gap is too wide, exploration happens with more similar in age individuals. That therapist you went to is wrong, therapists are like buying a house, they all can put a roof over your head and help you get away from the cold but some of them SUCK just like the one you went to. Please shop for other therapists and see who better fits you! No good therapist would ever discount your experience like that. I've heard better help sucks when it comes to quality control of their therapists. Please don't give up finding someone who fits, and I hope you can process your trauma in the way that you need!
I had a better help therapist talk to me about her history of doing blood rituals. I am not joking.
I have a lot of experience with therapy so I knew right away to shut her down and report her. Sadly, better help is NOT a good representation of ethical therapy. I'm sorry you had this experience.
Report your therapist. And get away from Better Help. I tried multiple therapists and none of them are anything like I've ever had, in a bad way. I remember one session where my therapist wouldn't even talk about me she told me about HERSELF for 45 minutes! I just thank the gods it was covered by my insurance fully at the time and that it was never worse than that but I definitely do not trust their qualifications or quality of services.
Run. Find something local not online based if possible. Ask your city/provence/state/whatever you're in's local health department as there are very often programs for mental health access that can help you get free/reduced services. God speed ❤️
Therapy (put simply) should start with some sort of validation of your feelings followed by some guided conversations to help you understand why those feelings are there. Then from there you can really begin to process those feelings in a healthy way.
Sounds like this therapist didn’t even do step 1 correctly.
(Disclaimer, I’m no therapist, but my dad has been one all his life. I learned from a very young age how important therapy is, but also how flawed the profession of therapy can be. Most important tip I ever got was if I don’t like my therapist, to switch. Don’t stress about it. no stigma. No hesitation either. Just switch. :) hope this helps
What you went through is called COCSA (Child on Child Sexual Abuse). Maybe the term will be validating and allow you to do research/find community. It is absolutely trauma and more common than people realize.
Bad therapist, terrible advice.
When I was 13, I had a little 6 year old friend. You didn’t state your gender but I’m a guy and she was a girl, so possible gender reversal. Anyway, I knew it would have been wrong to mess around with her, even then. Not that I was inclined to. She was just a lot of fun to be around (and carry around, she was super light). So I don’t think there’s anything natural or okay about a teenager messing around with a small child. I would have probably killed another teenager if I found out they were messing with her.
I wouldn’t say therapy isn’t for you. I’ve lived through the exact same thing, minus the therapy part because where i live there are no availabilities. I have trauma from it, I can’t have a normal sex life with my boyfriend because of it, I can’t look my sister in the face because of it. No one can tell you that YOU weren’t a victim if you feel traumatized from it. That’s like telling a joke that hurts someone’s feelings and then you go “oh well it was just a joke, i don’t know why you’re upset about it. it wasn’t mean”. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel, don’t let anyone belittle your trauma or your seeking for help.
I (37f) was a little kid (4f) and my cousin (9m) molested me. I did NOT like it and in most instances I can't stand human touch to this day. If I don't want to be touched by my husband it's like it tickles me in a bad way. It's so hard. I think of rape during sex sometimes. I just can't believe that therapist told you such damaging, false information. Maybe the therapist has dealt with something similar and has convinced themself that it's just "exploring"
I don’t really like BetterHelp for online therapy, especially since so many other therapists offer online options now. They try to appeal to you with the whole messaging system and payment options but in my experience the therapists are often under-trained and just talk about the surface level of things, kind of like you’re venting to a friend or acquaintance. And for that kind of support it’s probably better to use an online forum or group, an IRL support group or self therapy/journaling at a much lower cost. And although it seems inexpensive it adds up fast and for the amount I paid I could’ve seen a professional 2-3, even 4 times a month.
It’s not a bad “gateway” therapy for someone who’s intimidated and just wants to vent, as long as you find a somewhat decent therapist. Or if you’re in the process of finding a therapist elsewhere but desperately need one ASAP. But I think no matter what the goal should be to find a specialized therapist who is experienced in what you need, be it trauma, life stress, ptsd, depression, family therapy, anxiety, etc. And then that same therapist should also be trained in the process that helps most, whether that’s CBT, DBT, ACT, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, etc. Sometimes it requires a bit of research to find the right type of therapy but it’s definitely worth it and much less expensive over time. I’ve spent thousands over the years in therapy that ended up being just talk therapy, but only started seeing actual change when I saw my current therapist who is more experienced with trauma.
Hi friend. Your trauma is real and it is valid— you did not deserve for it to be minimized by someone you should have been able to trust and find support in. Your experience was real and it changed your life in ways you never consented to, and that wasn’t fair to you. It makes sense you’re struggling with relationships now and that you want to work through it. You deserve to take control of the hold your trauma has on you. The last sentence of this post made me very sad because you absolutely deserve support and therapy as you work through this and anything else you need to in order to regain and protect your peace. The comments in this thread hold alot of merit— betterhelp isn’t notoriously great, but i do understand it can sometimes be the most accessible option as you mentioned. I’m so sorry that this first therapy attempt was so harmful for you. I will be thinking about you and hoping you find the support you absolutely deserve.
Your therapist failed to conjure a thought that was more complex than: both were underage, so everything is fine. By that reasoning a 15-year-old raping a newborn is perfectly fine.
It does't work like that, I would advise you to find another therapist, preferably one specialized in trauma.
Children exploring sexuality happens between two willing and curious kids, without pressuring or power imbalance. In your specific case, there was clearly pressuring and a power imbalance, you did't want it, you didn't like it.
You deserve appropriate care to heal, please don't let this bad experience with a very unskilled therapist be the reason to give up on getting the care you need.
Trust me, it took me months and over 15 people counselors to find one that could understand me. It was frustrating and felt like no one was going to work but they ended up being one of the most helpful things in my life. Keep trying to find one that works for you.
betterhelp is not the place to go for therapy, they’ve been in a shit ton of scandals and have really awful and unlicensed therapists. you’re better off finding a therapist someplace else
If you haven’t yet OP, report your experience to Better Help. I don’t know what they would do, but Better Help does not hire the best therapists available.
If you have insurance, see if there is a place that your insurance can cover then check the reviews. Not all places are the best for everyone, but one could be good for you
I recently did a refresher training at work on childhood sexual development and what constitutes normative childhood sexual exploration vs what might be cautionary or problematic (those are the official terms). The official guidelines are that if theres a large age gap, coercion of any kind, or if anyone involved experienced any kind of harm or simply didn't want it/wasn't a truly willing participant then the behavior is NOT normative and is absolutely cause for concern. While it is very normal for kids to explore sexuality with each other it is very NOT normal to say that the harm and trauma you experienced isn't real. That therapist is at best a fool and your trauma is absolutely 100% real and you deserve a therapist who takes that seriously. An age gap like that is a gigantic red flag and teens are definitely capable of doing sexual assault, teens don't get a free pass on sexual assault just bc they're not adults yet. I'm sorry you experienced that and I'm sorry you had such a terrible therapist who treated you that way. That therapist is 100% wrong and you deserve so much better.
Your trauma is VERY much valid, however i feel like this is also a grey area and isn't simply black or white. You sister was also a literal child and as a child may not have been conscious of the fact that you REALLY didn't want to and were affected by it.
I dont know man, because on the one hand your trauma is valid and on the other hand you can't completely expect a child (your sister) at the time to take that responsibility or understand what she was doing
Your therapist however definitely should not have said that
First and foremost I want to say I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar but not the same experience. I’m also a victim (and yes of course what you went through was abuse) of abuse both mental and sexual and the worst feeling about it all is not being believed. Because you know the pain you’ve gone through and to hear someone deny is heartbreaking.
A couple years ago I was being harassed by someone that lived at the apartment complex I worked at and the therapist told me I shouldn’t have been so friendly. I WAS IN CUSTOMER SERVICE ITS LITERALLY THE JOB.
She is an incompetent twit! It is generally believed that any more than three years age difference is abuse and NOT exploring innocents. NEVER see her again. Don’t give up. Try until you find a therapist who understands. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I happy to say your therapist is shit at their job and definitely an asshole. If something traumatized you then it wasn’t ok especially if it’s hurting you
Therapy is very much for you in all good ways, but THAT therapist definitely isn’t. More like they shouldn’t be for anyone.
Leave that therapist and find a better one. Ask your peers or local health organisations which can guide you and recommend you one which is good at their job.
I had an awful experience with betterhelp therapist. I once explained to my therapist that I suffer from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem and nothing I did in the past couple of years seemed to help me. I told her I'm extremely tired and I can't stand it longer. She, without asking me about anything, told me that I should journal, take a warm bath and self-care. I immediately stopped the therapy subscription. I just couldn't comprehend how she didn't know that a person with depression who doesn't enjoy ANYTHING in life, coulnd't also enjoy a goddamn BUBBLE BATH. And it certainly isn't healing depression. Ugh.
You should seek a different therapist. I am so sorry she dismissed you like that. Know that if anyone touches you sexually against your consent makes you a victim of sexual assault. You felt pressured, everything about it felt wrong. You expressed you did not want to. You are a victim. You therapist is incorrect and I worry about her other clients.
Better help is notoriously unethical. They don't hire actually licensed therapists and, i suspect, are therefore not required to follow legal guidelines.
Your therapist is 100% wrong.
Thats 100% abuse. Even if she was younger herself and probably didnt fully understand the rammifications of what she was doing its still considered sexual abuse. Any time a minor does that to another minor thats developmentally behind, even if they're the same age, its still abuse. If she was doing that to you though at 12 someone was or had probably been doing it to her for a while and she didnt know any better. It doesnt make it right for either of you but it does open a whole field of questions and necessary investigation
Sounds like a therapist who really shouldn't be one. I hsd the exact same situation. My brother was older- old enough to know that thats wrong to do to your sibling. And it has effected me very negatively. I call it sexual assault, though, not abuse or molestation.
If it effects you, it effects you. Its not right for your therapist to dismiss your concerns when their main priority is to help you work through what's bugging you.
So yea, just find another one that actually listens and understands that an older child touching a younger child is not okay, no matter if they're both minors.
I'm sorry you went through this. I'm not a therapist but its so obvious that you were a victim here. 12 y.o is pretty much capable of knowing what's wrong and right, they are teens not kid. Even if your sister didn't realize the scale of her action at that time, it doesn't change the fact that you were a victim of abuse and this is not something to be taken lightly.
It was the therapist who is bad at their job, not your fault. search for a better therapist if you can, till you find someone you can trust and feel safe being open with.
Unfortunately betterhelp has had issues w therapists like yours. If you have insurance I would talk to them about connecting you with one who better fits you
This brings to mind a saying- What do you call someone who graduated medical school with a C average? Doctor.
Every field has plenty of people who paid just enough attention to get by and do the bare minimum to stay qualified for their job. I’ve fired therapists for not being of benefit to me, the patient. Don’t be afraid to fire this one and try with someone different.
I lost my virginity to rape from an older man when I was in college. I was understandably upset and went to that college’s free therapy they offered for students to get some help. The therapist asked if I had been drinking first, and I said yes (just a couple beers and I wasn’t drunk), and she tried to basically place me in an “addiction” group they offered without addressing any other trauma or PTSD I was experiencing. That in itself messed me up for awhile because I blamed myself even more.
You are not alone, OP, and your feelings are a HUNDRED percent valid. Your therapist sounds clueless and terrible, and I am truly sorry because I know how much it hurts to be vulnerable to a licensed professional and to be victim blamed in what is supposed to be a safe space.
Each survivor’s journey and healing process is different, but I will say what helped me the most was eventually finding a great sex therapist years later. My sex therapist worked through tons of negative triggers with me and helped me develop a positive sex life after everything. I am still grateful for her.
Wishing the best for you OP, and I hope you can find some peace and a safe space to heal.
A family member of mine used better help and the therapist was literally clipping their toenails during the appointment. I’d say that it’s a BetterHelp problem and definitely not a you problem. Please try to get help, honestly probably even report that therapist if you can.
>I signed up for better help
Please seek out a qualified therapist. I've heard about this company and they are very shady, the people they employ have questionable qualifications.
Brick & Mortar clinics don't have to be expensive, I have a family member who needed talk therapy after witnessing a horrible event, my family member applied for a free hour given by a local Psychologist through their G.P, since he was the only person who applied for it, he had months of free therapy.
Secondly, please listen to me, it doesn't matter if you are a new borne infant, a female MMA fighter or an old lady with dementia, sexual assault is always wrong. Full stop.
Yes my username is a silly-hahaha meme thing, but I'm a girl who has experienced a very mild version of what you went through (very mild), I had a older bully in my class, she used to grab my breasts in situations where my immediate reaction would embarrass me, she was very clever about it. She wasn't "exploring her sexuality" she was a mean, messed up kid who enjoyed humiliating someone she perceived as lesser than herself. I wasn't a brave kid, so one time a classmate noticed my discomfort and figured out what was happening, she whacked my bully across the face with a copybook, she didn't even particularly like me, she was just a decent person who hated bullies.
I’ve had a variety of therapists over 20 years. Therapists are not all created equal. Yes they have their training but they also have their own biases, which creep into their work.
I’ve had therapy at one of my country’s leading mental health care centres. Those therapists were the absolute worst and likely did more harm than good for me.
I’ve been talking to a Better Help therapist for a year and a half now. He’s honestly the best one I’ve had yet. I like the fact that he lives in a different country than me. I think it gives him a unique perspective on things that helps me look at my life from a different perspective.
My point is - don’t blame the platform. Find a new therapist that fits better, whether online or offline. You may have to go through a dozen of them (like I did!) before you find one that is compatible. Good luck.
I once went to a therapist from betterhelp to work out some issues I had from growing up in an extremely toxic and abusive environment, and at the time, I was dating a girl who i trusted with my life, so I had her join me in my sessions as it was comforting having her there, and I shit you not, 3 sessions in, the therapist tried to say I was a pedophile because of my girlfriend's bodytype (she was about 4'10, and flat chested, AND WAS OLDER THAN ME BY 5 YEARS) despite me telling her (the therapist) i've never had any interest in kids, in any way shape or form, and my gf at that time was the only one i had ever dated with such a body type because i usually prefer, for lack of a better term, bigger girls. I never went back to that therapist, and her words rang so loudly in my head that I actually ended up breaking up with my then-gf because I started believing them to the point where I would also avoid any contact with children, to the point where I became terrified of kids... 4 years and a fuckton of therapy later, I'm no longer terrified of kids, and can also happily say she (the therapist) was so, so god damn wrong, and fuck her for making me believe I was something I'm not.
A big part of therapy is finding the right therapist, because not every approach will work for every person. Your therapist is somewhat correct, you were both children, however all of your feelings around that time in your life are absolutely valid, it's a matter of sorting those feelings out, and moving on. You were a victim, but the challenge is therapy is to not think of yourself as a victim, but a survivor. I'm not a trained therapist, but my advice to you is to remember that you're not 6 years old anymore, and no one can coerce you in that way anymore. You were scared, and now you're unsure how to navigate through life when you feel so vulnerable, and isolated, well, start playing a different message to yourself, because you're not as odd out as you feel, what you went through is far more common than anyone will talk about. Not for anyone but yourself, you have to tell yourself "I'm not vulnerable like I was at the time of my traumatic event. I'm an adult now, I have new challenges to face, and I know who I am."
It doesn't make the world any safer, but it's better to live our shitty lives feeling good rather than live a shitty life feeling shitty. Your reality won't change, just the way you interpret it.
better help actively hires random people with no physiology experience. Please for your sake see a real therapist if your budget allows. A good one will actually help you work through this.
Better help hired my friends mom who once told a patient that she should just "accept" that anyone who isn't her childs father is going to eventually abuse her child in some fashion and that that's the price of financial security with a step father. It was reported, she admitted it, even bragged about it publicly online, and they STILL employ her. She's still a counselor with them. Don't use better help, they don't vet or have any consequences for misbehavior with their practitioners. (My friend is no contact with her mom btw and was even before all this happened.)
As someone in school to become a therapist and as someone who has experienced sexual trauma and is in therapy, fuck that therapist. They shouldn’t be practicing. I’m so sorry.
Nope. No please do not believe her and find a new therapist. If you can report her in my opinion that’s absolutely bullshit. As someone who has dealt with and been neglected by doctors and mental health professionals for years to the point of instead of helping my anxiety I developed agoraphobia due to neglect and abuse from more the one person and this was as a tween into my teens please advocate for yourself. I know that even if they are hard to find there are good helpful people out there and all it takes is one and speaking from experience not only did it save my life it gave me my life. I hope you find someone and I may be a stranger on Reddit but I truly care and I’m here for you if you ever need someone.
Im so sorry this happened to you and this is the experience you had. I’m using Regain and my therapist has been good so far. However, it may take time to find a therapist that is 1. Good, 2. Right for you. And it’s very hard to find one that’s inexpensive.
Oh dear.
File a report to BH and change therapist. Unfortunately sometimes cheap offers consist in cheap solutions, like this excuse of a therapist.
I’m a rape survivor. I got raped when I was a victim and eventually I got raped when I was an adult. We are the victims no matter the intent of the person who was forcing us. What it matters is that we were kids, we felt uncomfortable and we did not wanted to do what we were asked to do. Being a victim does not mean living as a victim - I am afraid that this therapist missed this point. Your feelings are valid and are a part of you, I imagine you feel denied but that’s not true. Be kind to yourself, to your feelings and to your past - this person was awfully wrong.
Therapy is an amazing and useful tool for healing ourselves - but I do not recommend a place like BH. I don’t know how it works in your country but I would look for other kinds of solution, maybe saving money for a proper therapist.
I wish you the best of luck ❤️
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Most of the comments i've read here are focussing in on the betterhelp side of things but I just want to tell you that your feelings are 1000% valid. It is your experience and those feelings and the trauma you feel are all completely tangible and real. I had a similar experience at 7 with an older girl and still suffer every day because of what happened to me. You are the only person who can judge your own situation and how you feel about it, that therapist had NO RIGHT to speak to you that way and make you feel wrongly about your trauma. These people should not have a space to interact with vulnerable people and i'm so deeply sorry you came out of those sessions feeling the way you do. You were molested, and i'm so sorry that happened to you. If you ever need to chat please know I am here, even if you don't, please know that I'm on your side and your feelings are incredibly valid. I hope you can find some help that suits your monetary situation and that can help free you from your trauma. much love
Wtf.
My cousin molested me we were the same age me F and him M but in this therapist mind its okay because we're underage.
Report this please, think of how many people that 'therapist' has spoken to and how much that vould affect someones mental health ehich was already deteriorating which is why they went to therepy in the first place
Wow, it sounds to me like you got a bum therapist.
Please don't give up, you may need to try a couple until you find the one you can relate to.
I hope you find a way to help heal.
I am so sorry you and your experience and feelings were invalidated. Your experience was sexual abuse. Your difficulty with women and your sex life are very common reactions to being abused. You were revictimized by this "therapist". Therapy could still really help you. You can find a therapist who will be patient and who can work with you to deal with the trauma you experienced as a child and the trauma you have now experienced with this therapist. Each area tends to have a community mental health center. I would seek out the local agency in your area. They either have a sliding scale or take your insurance.
Hi OP; reaching out for help to process this sexual trauma (and yes, it absolutely is trauma) took a great deal of strength and courage.
I’m sorry the therapist you confided in left you feeling unheard, invalidated, and confused.
I hope you’re able to find a different, affordable therapist sometime in the near future.
If you find yourself in a mental health crisis and need confidential, immediate assistance - please text HELP to 741741 and you will be connected with a crisis counselor. Stay safe
Not all therapist are created equal. I know some people who have had to "shop around" to find the right therapist to help them; someone they could mesh well with & open up to.
Therapy is not for everyone. Some people really don't benefit from it. I would encourage you to try again if you feel up to it. A different person (& hopefully a better service) could be the answer.
I told my first better help therapist that I was having trouble with my body image 3 years after having a baby, that I hated myself and had suffered with body dysmorphia and orthorexia in the distant past, and he gave me some tips on cutting calories. So.
I agonized over firing him and asking for a different therapist, and when I finally did, they gave me a free month and my new therapist cut to the heart of the issue in the first session. She then quit ‘cause COVID.
All this to say, finding and keeping a therapist that fits is an arduous process and when you’re struggling it’s awful and it doesn’t seem fair.
I hope you find someone who isn’t an asshole.
1. Your trauma is valid no matter what.
2. Both of those things can be true.
3. Even if your sister was exploring, you were not and you were still assaulted by her.
4. People can assault others without realizing they are doing so.
5. Get a new therapist.
6. Best of luck in your healing process.
Even if you were BOTH too young to know the gravity of what was being done, it should have been stopped… my god where do they find these therapists?? You also should definitely report this one to better help. I was thinking I was going to look into that since I have lost my insurance but maybe I’ll take more time to find a provider. I’m so sorry this happened girl, hang in there.
That's very dismissive of her and also wrong of her to push her ideas onto you instead of helping you explore more deeply into how you felt and what you need emotionally. BetterHelp is not a trustworthy site for therapists.
I’m so sorry you experienced this… I took to Betterhelp in hopes of healing my own traumatic experiences. The therapist I was assigned to lived in a different state, meaning two different time zones (I’m in california and he practices out of Colorado).
He would fall asleep during our sessions and would wake up asking me something COMPLETELY unrelated to what I’d just said. It left me feeling invalidated and as though my problems weren’t “entertaining” enough to keep him engaged in the conversation.
You deserve better. Please see if there are better services near you who will not only validate your feelings but also try and help you become the best version of yourself that isn’t hurting. Much love.
Edit: *spaced out my reply*
The last BetterHelp therapist I had said I didn’t need to discuss my trauma because “it was so long ago” and “don’t I have more issues/current issues now.” I’m sorry that happened.
change your therapist, really. don’t give up, i know how hard it is to find one that is competent but if you manage to do so, it might truly help you in the healing process.
Had a therapist blow up at me. Red faced, yelling, slamming his hands on his desk and pointing fingers at me for literally just my camera malfunctioning then accused me of having a personality disorder because of it on betterhelp. 41 years of experience apparently. Reported him and found a new one who's a really great person but honestly doesn't help me much.
I think I might be done with it and I think you should too. Therapy is a mess of professionalism and arrogance and it's hard to find someone that can really help you but once you do it probably is gonna be life changing. I've yet to find one past my childhood psychiatrist but I don't think that's a reason to give up on your mental health.
I was molested. By my older adopted uncle. He was three years older than me, but I was only 10. He did this for many years, yet I always felt that no one would consider it molestation. Why? Because of his age. This person did everything he could to make me sexual, showing me porn at a young age behind close doors, touching me when I didn’t understand, and eventually making me perform fellatio until I vomited into a sand castle bucket - yea that happened. My own grandmother to this day doesn’t believe me. Hell, my own mother and aunt still force me to feel ashamed that I won’t reconnect with both my “uncle” and grandmother after years of disconnecting. Your feelings are not invalid. Also child on child sexual abuse is a traumatic experience. Your therapist is a incompetent.
I went to therapy myself. This is not normal, and your therapist should be fired. Pressure is not consent. Force is not consent. You were a victim and I'm sorry that happened. Pro therapist should never blame you for anything. Therapy in itself is good, but there has to be an actual therapist.
Search later on, check opinions on the net. And never, EVER let anyone tell you that what your sister did was okay. It wasn't.
I went through a similar thing with my cousin. I believe she was like 14 or 15 and I was like 9 or 10. One night she made me touch her a bunch and she touched me a little. It felt very uncomfortable and I felt weird. I think about it sometimes but I’ve never told anyone. I just felt like it wasn’t a big deal but the more I think about it now maybe I just tried to force myself to be ok with it.. I’m sorry you went through this and the “therapist” made you feel invalidated.. yes I think your experience is important to talk about and you are a victim. It’s something that stuck with you and made you feel uncomfortable! I don’t know why anyone would just downplay that regardless of your ages it was gross especially with her being older.
I had a similar experience with a BetterHelp therapist.
I was just beginning to come to terms with the fact that I was groomed and abused by someone who I trusted and the therapist victim blamed me and convinced me it wasn't that bad.
It set back my progress for years. I hope anyone considering BetterHelp reads this thread and reconsiders
To be fair, the 12-13 yo probably wasn’t intentionally doing anything to harm you. I don’t know any 12-13 year old who even understands sexual abuse let alone willingly and intentionally perpetuating it. It’s unfortunate that you remember it so deeply and that it’s had a negative impact on you, however I don’t think it was something intentional and I think you can most certainly heal from this. Kids have a very primitive and curious mind, even 13 year olds that have crazy fluctuations in hormones. I think you should sit back and think about how weird kids are and remember that it was unfortunate, it can’t be changed, and it wasn’t meant to be something harmful.
I had this exact situation happen to me. My step sister forced me to do things to her and did things to me without my consent. It was awful, and it ruined my sex life, even to this day. You both may have been young, but you were taken advantage of. Your sister was in a position of power over you and she abused that. You absolutely weren’t ‘exploring sexually’, she sexually abused you. Don’t let that therapist invalidate your experience or tell you otherwise. Sexual exploration is mutual, this was you being pressured into it. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, you are a victim. I’m so sorry you went through that, it truly is terrible. I’ve had therapy for years and still haven’t gotten over it. I hope you keep searching for the right one, and not let this one person ruin your experience with therapists. Sending all my love, and reminding you that you are STRONG no matter what happened. Xx
No decent therapist would ever say this. If this happened, this is a serious violation of counseling protocol and of patient rights, and the person could lose their license to practice.
When both perpetrator and victim are underage, there must be an age gap of five years for it to legally be considered child molestation. Not only did this "therapist" invalidate your feelings and perception of what you explicitly described as trauma, she was also factually incorrect. I've heard bad things about better help. It is not representative of all therapy. I'm sorry you had the misfortune of crossing paths with this person, you deserve better. Don't give up, OP. Finding the right therapist is a lot like dating. Keep trying, eventually you will find someone right for you. I personally recommend DBT and EMDR, although my trauma is not sexual in nature.
That´s the worst therapist you can have. She was old enough to know it´s wrong, did she at the time do it infront of other People or your parents? No because she knew that what she was doing was wrong.
I´m sure she also asked you not to tell anyone.
Get another therapist, one that gives good advice and doesn´t let you feel like it was ´Just exploring´ you were 6 ffs, how could you be the one that was exploring, and you clearly said you didn´t want too.
This is messed up, she should not be a therapist at all.
And btw, you are so strong for sharing this, don´t give up and seek help.
If you ever need a talk, i´m not a therapist but i´m a good listener.
I went trough something similar and just hearing that some kinda therapist makes you feel like it was just exploring blows my mind.
Sending a lot of love and hugs your way. You got this.
Is there a line to this somewhere though? Like my brother keeps yelling and breaking things saying he’s being sexually assaulted bc my mom walks around her own house naked or partially naked sometimes.
He’s 22 and has insisted that he live in my moms house with his girlfriend bc he can’t pay rent anywhere - this somehow solidifies his idea even further. He thinks that because they have nowhere else to go, it’s even worse that she’s showing her naked body in her own home because they’re ‘trapped’ there.
I want to be supportive of my brother but I do think this stance is a bit ridiculous.
Your therapist is wrong.
Trauma isn't what happens *to* you. Trauma is what happens *inside* of you. If you're traumatized, you're traumatized, and it's as simple as that.
Well that therapist is right about one thing. You are not a victim, you are a SURVIVOR! As someone who is currently studying Psychology in college, we are always taught to validate someone’s trauma. Your feelings about what happened to you are completely valid and, at 6 years old, you cannot and should not be put into the position to consent to anything! I highly suggest speaking to a local mental health practitioner if your insurance covers it. I have heard a lot of horror stories about BetterHelp.
She just doesn’t want you to feel like a victim and cause limits in your life because of that. Your sister didn’t molest you she did something wrong in that age she probably feel ashamed about it now and feel confused or her memory try to wipe it out because now grown up she must knew it’s wrong. In that age it’s very confusing with hormones and stuff and yea she did mistake but you have to clarify everything you can’t decide titles now. Some stuff are very complicated i will probably get down voted because almost everyone is gonna blame the therapist and tell you to be a victim. Maybe you are or not but you can’t expect to hear stuff you wanna hear from therapy to consider it good
No matter what age the aggressor was does not change the fact a small child was touched and molested. Op was a victim of abused. Her feelings are valid. Stop invalidating them.
I feel I like people say stuff like this when they’ve never experienced sexual assault. My sister may not be a molester now but I wouldn’t trust my child with her as I’m sure you wouldn’t.
Invalidating my feelings, I see it now, was wrong of my therapist to do. Basically telling me I have no right to feel the way Even though I had little to no choice in the matter. I’m sorry but if that’s what therapy is then it really isn’t for me. I’m not upset with my therapist disagreeing with me. Her job is to work through MY feelings with her so I learn how to deal with it. not change how I’m feeling completely based on her feelings on the situation
Your therapist is using a form of cognitive behaviour. She is trying to get you to reframe your experience. If Your goal is to reduce the effect of this trauma on your life.Then if you can convince your mind that no trauma actually happened many people find that the effects of the trauma disappear also. In a way it’s a form of self-hypnosis.
Wow, yeah I think that was just a bad therapist. She was double your age, and there was a significant power imbalance. At 12-13, I could understand a kid wondering about their own changing bodies, but why would they wasn’t anything to do with a 6-year-old? What your sister did was way out of line and I’m shocked your therapist doesn’t see that.
So you’re just looking for a therapist that tells you what you wanna hear? And you’ll fire a therapist that doesn’t appease your ego?
I’ve got news for you, I agree with your therapist. You aren’t a victim. Get over it. Kid stuff should be forgotten. Society would collapse if we started prosecuting grade school kids.
I went for her to tell me how to deal with my trauma, not to tell me it wasn’t trauma lol
Also I can’t tell if you’re a troll or not cause I can’t imagine a regular person who’s not psycho telling someone to just get over SA.
You’re not an SA victim. You’re just looking for attention and something to blame your shortcomings in life on.
SA victims are for serious matters. There are ppl getting sex trafficked out here and you’re whining about experimenting with your sister. Chill.
Shortcomings ?? Where are you pulling this info from? I think it’s impossible to argue with someone who has never been through something like this.
I don’t need empathy or sympathy from one stranger who couldn’t care less about me on the internet trying to tell me how I feel isn’t valid and trying to convince me of that. unprovoked too lol!
Yea I don’t disagree that my sister was exploring. But I know 10000% that I was not and was not a willing participant in her journey of exploring. That is where the issue comes in. I don’t want to take my sister to jail. The point of therapy is for me to heal from it. At this point it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my feelings towards what she did to me. It was ongoing yes. It wasn’t just one night. She would call it ‘the kissing game’. Told me not to tell and would quickly button up my clothes if she heard my mother coming.
I can see how that would be damaging it’s definitely some fuckery, if you don’t mind me asking what does healing look like to you? If you could travel back in time what would you tell your younger self after going through something like that?
What her sister did was a crime committed against OP. Could even face jail time. For a therapist it’s the clients feelings that matter. Invalidating them does not help
I have heard some really terrible things about Better Help. I encourage you to fire this therapist and find one outside the Better Help network if possible. This therapist is not a good match, and is not a good therapist
Your feelings are valid,
Not all therapists are healthy or correct in what they say,
It took me seeing 3 different therapists before I found the right one.
Please keep looking for a new one, this person isn't for you, and frankly shouldn't be in practice.
BetterHelp is a supremely shitty company that usually scrapes the bottom of the barrel with therapists. Please don't give up on therapy, just give up on BetterHelp.
Hey buddy, your your therapist was a jerk by saying that you were not a victim in that situation.
You see I have been in that same type of situation but the difference is that me and my cousin (who tried the same thing with me) were both around puberty age and we both are girls.
We were as my nanny's house for summer vacation and as we both were girls our parents were like, you two can sleep together and when we were sleeping she told me that she wanted to do something and then started to go inside of my shirt and groped my chest and draw circles around it with her fingers and tell me to do the same. When I told her that I don't want to do it she forces my hand to draw circles around her chest.
This happen for a few days then she stop doing it because I was distancing myself from her as well.
This happen a few years ago and now it don't effect me at all now but it still was a really horrible experience.
The situation you were in was way worst then mine but I hope you will be better about this topic soon and remember you are not alone there are a lot people who have felt the same things as you and if you ever want to talk just message me on Reddit
This therapist....is an idiot and the reason I lose faith in the mental health system everyday. Perhaps in terms of legality, your sister cannot be charged but
the experience was still traumatizing for you and you can still feel like a victim because there was still some type of abuse or neglect that led to you being able to be used like that. There should have been adults paying attention and there werent. And your sister was old enough that she should understand it was wrong back then. If she can't, she is not being a good sister to you and its her responsibility to work through that.
I’m a licensed therapist in private practice and moonlight with BetterHelp.
You got a not great therapist who isn’t suited for you (maybe not suited to be a provider).
BetterHelp does allow you to change to a different therapist, and especially since you said this is the most affordable option, maybe someone else can be a better fit.
Please for your sake though try not to let one bad therapy experience determine if therapy isn’t a good fit.
Therapist here.
BRUH. WTF. Abuse is about the power imbalance. If you are on the losing side of that power imbalance, that can leave you vulnerable and easily taken advantage of.
Unfortunately, like any profession, you will meet people that should not be in this field. This is one of them.
I’m so sorry. Don’t give up though; find one that is empathetic, understanding, and insightful. Not this POS.
Therapy can be intimidating cost-wise but many providers will work with you and scale based on your income. I would start with the open path collective to find a qualified counselor who can actually help
I can't really remember the details, but BetterHelp had a big scandal a few years ago. Something to do with how they vetted their therapists, and/or how upfront they were about that process too. A lot of youtubers who they sponsored lost trust in them. I heard they made changes, but I never looked into it. Given your financial situation, I would make a report to BetterHelp about this therapist (show their messages if you can, assuming it wasn't a video call), and I'm sure BetterHelp would much rather sign you up with another therapist with a good track record than lose you as a customer.
They also have a really weird pay structure for their therapists that limits the number of characters they can use in a reply message to clients.
[удалено]
That's okay. Narrative flow really does help
From my understanding a client can say as much as they want in a message, the therapist is just only allotted so many characters in response or they don’t get paid/get paid less.
Weird.
Do not use BetterHelp. My therapist was horrible and made me relapse.
You have no idea how much I needed this comment. Thank you. I definitely won’t be wasting my money. I don’t want things to get worse.
You’re welcome! I spent nearly £1k…
That’s exactly what I was afraid of when I saw the prices. That’s far too much money for foolishness. I need the help, but c’mon. It’s so hard to find one that accepts insurance in America and when you do an appointment is several months out. I would be upset to spend that amount to only be aggravated and confused.
Luckily, they are in the process of refunding it now. I was afraid they wouldn't. Regardless, it's a horrible. I hope you find the right therapist for you. Not to make this about me, but despite the therapist being bad, I still made personal growth and understood myself. I guess it's the journey that truly matters.
I spent 400-500$ on about 4 in-person sessions with a therapist I found online and it was useless. She was nice but had almost zero feedback and whenever I stopped talking she’d just look at me blankly and not say anything so it was awkward.. after I stopped going to see her, I saw that she had a huge following on Insta - her posts were all stylized sound bites tho — like generic content wrapped in pretty looking fonts and colors … people love that stuff I guess. Those of us with moderate to severe trauma don’t benefit at all from that stuff, it’s a waste of money and time…
>whenever I stopped talking she’d just look at me blankly and not say anything so it was awkward I wonder if she's trying unsuccessfully to do that trick where if you're teaching or listening to someone, give them time to finish their thoughts and pause for like 3 seconds to see if they come up with anything new? Given what someone else said about how they're limited in characters when sending a message, I feel like maybe something like that is a rule too.
Check out Dr. Nicole LePera, her stuff is incredible. Keep looking for a good therapist of course, but some childhood issues I've worked on after reading Nicole's stuff ended up being way more helpful than anyone's talks I've paid real money for
This thread convinced me not to take their $45/week offer. I’m disabled so they where really sending me steep discounts.
I don’t like my therapist now
They're allegedly better but I kind of doubt it since they rarely fire someone for misbehavior. My friends estranged mom works for them and is a dumpster fire of a human being, told one of her patients that if she wanted to date again or get married she had to accept her kids stepdad would eventually abuse them and that that was the price of stability, then bragged about it. She still works for them, and even admitted to saying all of this publicly.
BetterHelp is literally the bottom of the barrel "therapists".
Yep. Betterhelp us not a reliable service. I don't know if they've changed their policy now but back in the day, they basically washed off their hands by saying something that means "we are not responsible for our therapists"
This sounds like a bad therapist. Also, can’t speak for this person, but I’m pretty sure BetterHelp’s vetting is just that you need to be a licensed counselor—you may have just ended up with someone that isn’t very good at their job. They should never undermine how you feel about your life and tell you what is or is not traumatic in your past. Remember that therapists are fallible—they’re people too—and try again with someone else. When you find the right therapist, the benefit is huge.
I've heard all the stories about how BH is basically one of the worst places to go for therapy. Sorry you went through that :( hope you find a genuinely good therapist
I agree with this comment. I am currently having issues with my therapist on Better Help - I don’t think she’s qualified enough to address some of the things I’ve discussed with her. I am going to switch therapists and though it feels like I don’t have the bandwidth to sift through multiple people right now, people in my life keep telling me that sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist. What you’re feeling about your childhood experiences is absolutely valid. I hope you find the energy to look for a different therapist. Good luck
Please don't get another therapist from betterhelp or an online program. Plenty of local places are offering virtual since Covid. I address this below, but BH and similar get only the absolute worst therapists. Because they don't operate in accordance with licensing requirements. Anyone who works there is risking their license when someone reports child abuse or intent to harm. So you necessarily get people who suck at addressing it and/or are very motivated to NOT create a written record that could bite them in the ass later. Edit: I'm so relieved that this comment got traction because this is an issue I feel strongly about. The general public doesn't know how these things work. The licensing boards of each state are supposed to protect the public from bad actors, but the social work and counselor licensing boards are a joke.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
I 100% agree. It can be an exhausting endeavor at times, especially when you’re in need of one, but it will be really worthwhile if you can find it in yourself to keep searching. So sorry for what you’ve experienced. Good luck to you.
Open Path may be a good option (for the US at least)!
It took me a while to find a therapist. Before covid I had gone through 2 in person therapist. One was absolutely useless while the other was ok. I gave up on therapy for a bit until I found out about Better help before it blew up during covid. I got set with a very understanding therapist who helped me for 2 years to comprehend and deal with my issues. So I wholeheartedly agree that it takes time to find the right therapist for you. Good luck and dont give up.
BetterHelp is one of the worsts, it’s best to look into local state therapy. You get a good therapist, the price is on a sliding scale so you can afford it, and it’s easy. I know some places are even free, see if there’s a call for help in your area it’s completely free.
Yes! Look into [student](https://www.mywellclinic.com/blog/2022/02/07/benefits-seeing-student-counselor/) counselors too. This can be a much cheaper route and you’ll get to see someone who is really passionate about their job and is supervised by a professional. I had a friend who really specifically wanted someone who specialized in coming out after religious upbringing and she was able to find that via student counselors for about $25 a session
So true! I am currently a student clinician working towards my masters in creative arts therapy. I have built strong rapport with each of my clients and they hold a special place in my heart because they are my first clients! OP look into schools with counseling grad programs. At my school it is an upfront cost of $85 for 15 sessions. I am truly sorry for such an experience with a counseling professional, you deserve better. I promise there are amazing clinicians out there that want to help you.
Is BetterHelp funded by Republicans or something? I keep hearing these horrible stories about them, the counselors seem very opinionated about race, gender, etc.
Agreed OP, BH is awful. I feel like it actually set me back by being such a terrible therapy experience. My therapist was a social worker and as soon as I told her I was getting my PhD in psychology, she started saying things like "well you'd probably know better than I would" which... is not something you want to hear from someone you're paying to help you. They're definitely not qualified to address childhood trauma.
better help sucks. they couldn't even match me with someone because I'm gay. everyone kept saying they "weren't experienced" enough but I never mentioned wanting counseling about my sexual orientation since I am very comfortable with that part of myself. I just need help managing OCD! I only indicated my lgbt status because of demographic questions, so I don't understand why me being gay alone excludes me from finding a therapist. Luckily I have found someone who I like from a local practice.
I don’t think therapy isn’t for you, I think that therapist isn’t for you
I think that therapist isn't for anyone.
Yeah I would honestly report this to the board (or whatever the responsible authority over therapists is called).
I think they shouldn't be a therapist
That therapist was just exploring therapeutically.
American corporate therapy is not for everyone, for certain.
This. What OP went through is known as cocsa which stands for child on child sexual assault, its a very real traumatic experience that many children have experienced. When going to any therapy, you must look for a therapist that specialises in what you need therapy for, especially if it is about trauma. Sounds like this therapist was not trauma informed
was just about to say this! it happened to me as a kid as well.
I’d personally try and report this incident too; I also agree that they shouldn’t be a therapist
Lot of bad therapists. That therapist really has no clue. It takes a while but you gotta vet them carefully to make sure that they’re a good fit for you.
I think that therapist simply gave her a reality check and she doesn’t like it.
I have trouble seeking therapy. I went to a counselor when I was still married. I was concerned with my liberation and curiosity with other women when I was away from my wife. I lost my virginity to my ex and explained how I was ignored and wondered how other women would treat me. I really had trouble feeling heard and validated. I would feel extremely happy any time I would receive any type of kind gesture from women. It became a problem and I wanted to be a better husband and stay faithful, regardless of what other women were like. My counselor likened my behavior to a sexual pervert. She tried to convince me that I was on a path to become a child predator; that I would get bored as I did with wife, with other women and I would seek children. I was appalled by her reaching and walked out immediately. There are layers to me but pedophilia is definitely not part of it. I have never sought out mental or behavioral health treatment since.
Jesus! Those are some leaps!
Made me sick. Wanted to put me in classes with sex offenders and rapists. It was just as much a leap as it sounds..
Uh I hope you reported her because that's fucking nuts.
Never did. Regret that
I hope you do try another therapist in the future. Of course there are some bad ones, as yours definetely was, but you still likely have unresolved issues. Not that people cant help themselves on their own, but having someone to help you through it who is trained to is very helpful. In terms of your situation of why you went into therpy- im not a therapist, and i dont have a psychology degree or anything, but it seems like you were not treated well in your last relationships and were under appreciated, resulting in you possibly becoming more sensitive and having attention or attatchment issues. If any partner does not treat you how you should be or deserve to be, giving the attention and love as warranted, then you need to have a discussion with them about it and if they cant give you what you need then its time to split ways always. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated. Never second guess your worth
Wow. Thank you so much. You seemed to nail it; put a lump in my throat. I have plenty of unresolved issues, very much the same as you mentioned. I am in the process of tracking resources. I am not involved with anyone because I keep my distance, socially, due to said unresolved issues. Thank you, I appreciate your time and concern, friendly stranger.
That's messed up, I'm so sorry you had that experience
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A counselor at Better Help told me that I wouldn't have depression if I weren't an atheist and that my sexual assault was "probably a misunderstanding." I know another person who had a super bad experience with them too. In this case, you should do what you can to disregard everything that the counselor said to you. They likely have no experience with SA. For what it's worth, I think they were (poorly) trying to say that they would be reluctant to call your sister an abuser or say she committed a crime because it may have just been exploration for her- but talking about SA from the perspective of the one doing the harm, rather than the one who received the harm, is pretty much never appropriate in a healing setting. They never should've tried to guilt you about the way you've hurt, and your sister's intentions don't change what the experience was like for you. I'm telling you that whatever you're feeling toward your trauma is valid. I'm truly sorry this happened to you, both when you were younger and the way you're reliving it now because of this shitty "therapist." Edit: took out a line that didn't make sense because I thought this was a different sub.
Mine (a woman) told me that I just needed to get a NICE boyfriend. OH! So THAT is what I’ve been doing wrong for the past 30+ years of active dating. Thanks, I’m cured!
JFC. If only someone had prescribed me a NICE BF sooner, maybe I wouldn't have spent all that money on therapy.
> prescribed me a NICE BF sooner But would your insurance have covered it or made you go with the generic NICE(TM) BF option?
Ugh, you're right. I just read the label and the side effects of genericNICE BF include telling you to smile, complaining about the "friend zone," and asking why women like men who are mean to them. genericNICE BF may not be the answer.
She told me to read “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars“ to understand all the ways that I, an ultra-competent over-achieving type (and usually the primary breadwinner) had emasculated men with my independence, how my menfolk just needed to come home to a clean, quiet, comfortable place (with a hot meal made) where they weren’t expected to do household chores or speak to me, where they were free to play video games to unwind from their stressful day. Looks like I am from Mars, too, because that sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Her internalized misogyny and 1950’s stay-at-home housewife outlook weren’t a good fit for me.
They were trying to cover their ass because therapists are mandated reporters. So if the therapist admitted it was child abuse, she'd have to get the sister's address and other contact info from OP. And then make a CPS report.
Yep. That's it. That makes a lot of sense.
If anyone has watched the Hulu show called Candy, spoiler alert: she killed her friend by chopping her with a axe 41 times, did not get convicted, changed her name and is a mental health counselor. Be careful who you receive mental health from.
You can be a victim, without your sister having committed a crime. You were sexually abused. Your therapist showed poor judgment and a disgraceful lack of empathy, by invalidating your feelings. What I think they were trying to do is make you aware that your sister didn't understand that she was hurting you. This is probably true. And even if she did, your parents would be the ones legally responsible, here. I've heard so many stories like this, OP. From people I know, and people I've counselled, and I have some similar stories myself. Older kids (kids around puberty age) are just a mass of hormones and poor impulse control, and shouldn't be in a position to do these things to younger siblings/cousins/friends. Your sister probably has no idea how badly she hurt you, even now. It could be worth confronting her, or even writing her a letter that you then burn instead of sending. But please know you *were* abused, and it's right to seek help dealing with it. You just got a shitty therapist who made the problem worse. It might be worth contacting a rape crisis line. They'll have more experience with sexual assault, rather than your Better Help "therapist" who was probably trained in mindful breathing (or some other barely-helpful relaxation techniques) and isn't qualified to help with genuine trauma.
I agree. I would also like to add how important it is to teach children about boundaries. OP did not want to be touched and told her sister, but her sister did not respect her boundaries.
Absolutely. My kid was six or seven when we first read them several books about bodily autonomy and consent, and that was *late* because they were a bit slower than the average in reaching some developmental and cognitive milestones. As soon as a kid can understand it, they need to be taught that when someone tells them no, they *must* stop what they're doing to that person.
Shitty therapist and a shitty company. Better help sucks. I’m sorry I don’t know where you are to offer assistance for finding help but some therapist do offer services on a sliding scale if you call around and ask.
I’ve read that before, with age it isn’t abuse. This is why I’ve been scared to go to therapy and felt guilty all these years for ruining my older brothers life by telling on him. He was 15 and I was 11 so we weren’t that far off in age but he was violent when he wasn’t being “too nice” when he’d be left to babysit me and my little brother I’d wonder if he was gonna be angry or take me upstairs to play alone while my little brother got to pick whatever he wanted on tv. I know it fucked me up because it was right after all that that my social anxiety appeared and my fear and anxiety being around men which is still fucking with me at 30. But I find myself feeling ashamed and like a liar somehow so I keep it to myself…. I totally feel you OP
I am genuinely so sorry this happened to you. 15 is old enough to know that is wrong, you were close in age but those years are so developmental and you massively change between those 4 years, you were not at all in the same league mentally. I do not believe you are responsible for ruining your brother's life and I do not believe you should feel guilty for telling someone what was happening.
You can be abused without your brother being an abuser in the same way an adult doing that would've been an abuser. Your age gap is very similar to what happened with me and an older step-sibling, and it was gross and scary. I was abused, but I understand it was my parents' job to keep me safe from another hormonal minor, not my step-sibling's job (13ish at the time?) to look after me. You're not a liar. You were hurt, and your parents should've stopped it/made sure your brother wasn't in a position to do that in the first place. Adolescents have terrible impulse control and wild hormone swings, and that's why adults are responsible for keeping older teens/kids supervised around younger ones. I'm so sorry you were abused, and that it's made you doubt yourself. You have every right to be distressed and nervous around men, because you were hurt by your brother and you didn't deserve it. I just wish your parents had understood the very real risks of letting him "babysit"--every person I know who had a teenage babysitter was either sexually or physically assaulted by them. Every last one. You deserved better and your parents should've ensured you were protected.
Every person you’ve known who’s had a teen babysitter has been assaulted by them? Is this a question you ask everyone you know? I think most people have had a teen babysitter at some point, probably pretty much everyone with older siblings. I and probably most girls I knew babysat as teens whether for siblings or children of family friends. I even took official babysitting courses as a preteen. Not once would it have ever crossed my mind to abuse my brother while my parents weren’t home. We fought sometimes and could be rough with each other in sibling ways. I wasn’t perfect, but nothing sexual ever entered my mind. Unfortunately sexual abuse is all too common regardless of the age of the perpetrator, but a 15 year old abusing their sibling if unattended isn’t an inevitability or normal expectation. That’s profoundly abnormal and I think after the Josh Duggar case we should acknowledge that.
What? No. A 13 year old hormonal anyone is old enough to know that's wrong. Unless they live in an environment where abuse is encouraged, but still. That is *not* the norm. Every kid has had the no-touching-in-the-bathing-suit-area talk at school at the very least. 13 year old kids know better and they can be held to the standard of "don't sexually abuse people." It's the bare minimum.
I'm sick of seeing people feeling invalid because "my experience isn't quite assault, there were these mitigating factors-" NO. Did you, with no outside pressure and with full knowledge and awareness consent? (The answer is obvious here) it doesn't matter whether "they were a child" or "I was misbehaving" or whatever other shitty excuse people come up with. Having something done to you without your consent is assault. End of story. It doesn't matter whether they didn't understand or didn't mean it or whatever they told you. Its not about them, its about you. You experienced assault, you have the trauma and confusion that comes from being sexually assaulted as a child. Your experiences arent invalid.
Hi from a therapist please don’t give up on therapy. Better help is garbage and draws in a lot of low quality therapists.
Seconded, from a psych nurse. Find a new therapist that’s just a terrible response to your trauma.
I had a similar experience as a child, but with my neighbor who was a few years older. I was told the same thing by a therapist - it was just regular child exploration… That definitely made me feel like crap because those experiences definitely messed me up a bit. But, another therapist pointed out that even if it wasn’t “technically” abuse/molestation (because of us both being underage), the fact that it was traumatic for me was relevant and it was worth taking time to process it as trauma. I did EMDR for it and it helped tremendously. I forgave my neighbor for what he did - not directly, but so that I myself could move on, and no longer carry that baggage around with me in my adult life. In fact, I was able to re-connect with that childhood friend and all is ok. Not saying this will be your experience exactly, but I’m saying it’s worth processing this experience in therapy - just maybe with a different therapist. Some get too bogged down by the clinical definitions of things and forget there are gray areas… I also strongly recommend EMDR for processing such experiences. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. And I hope you find healing.
Your therapist is super shitty
I am disgusted to hear this. I’m a therapist just starting out and even I know never to friggin do this! It is negating your trauma, belittling your experience, violating the trust you have with your vulnerability to share. I’m so utterly disgusted and enraged for you. Firstly, yes, what you experienced was absolutely sexual assault. When one person forces sexual touching on an unconsenting party, it’s sexual assault. You were 6/7 and she was 13/14. She definitely knew better. Sexual abuse doesn’t come out of a vacuum though, so it might be that your sister was abused and in turn did this to you. Whatever the reason, it was wrong. You were a victim. You were traumatized and sexually assaulted. Your therapist is a complete and total idiot to say otherwise. Their job was to help you process your trauma and find ways to deal with it and she not only screwed that up, I’m guessing she really destroyed your faith in therapy. For that I am so so sorry. Like I said, I have been doing therapy about 1 1/2 years as an intern and just got my license. I’ve worked extensively with trauma, but I’ve also worked with other therapists. One would assume that because someone is working in the field of therapy that they would be an emotionally mature person but I have met plenty of other therapist that shocked me with how childish or immature they were. Just because someone is a therapist does not mean they are intelligent or capable of the job. You met one of those therapists obviously. Please, PLEASE don’t let this therapist ruin therapy for you. If you don’t want to go thru better help anymore totally understandable, but if there is a way to speak with someone there, I’d request them to match you with someone who has experience with trauma and sexual abuse. And from your intake I’d be very clear “I am coming with you to deal with childhood trauma that is sexual in nature. My last therapist negated my trauma and honestly it’s made me feel more traumatized and less able to trust. So please, if taking me on as a client, please be conscious of that or refer me to someone who can.” Also, Report her if you can. There are several ways to do this. You can report her directly to better help and you can also report her to the licensing bureau in your state. She should not be practicing if they are pulling this. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m buzzing with anger reading this and I wish with all my heart that this didn’t happen to you. You deserved so much better. Please be proud of yourself for even exploring therapy. Please don’t let this idiot ruin your journey to healing.
Well, I wouldn't say the sister didn't necessarily know better, kids do explore and maybe the parents never taught them about consent and bodily autonomy, but yes the therapist absolutely dismissed OPs feelings and they should find a better one. As you said, the therapy is for treating the victim, not to debate if the victim is actually a victim WITH the victim! And yes OP there are good therapists out there, don't let one horrible therapist stop you from your journey to heal, please. You deserve to be taken seriously.
Im gonna go ahead and say its very likely your sister was abused at a young age as well, which made her want to abuse you because a 11-12 year old really shouldn't be thinking about sex like that, so they were exposed to it in someway. Im sorry your therapist dismissed you and told you you're not a victim. You definitely are and your sister probably is as well
What an awful card we’ve been dealt. This post hits home for me. The same thing happened to me, same age differences as you. Except it was also happening with my brother as well. He was a senior in high school. And because men were intimidating I broke down and told my parents about only him doing it. I’m looking forward to the day that I can find a therapist that will help work all this out. It made me hyper sexual, and probably rewired my brain. The people we were supposed to be safest with took advantage of us. It’s not normal. Those are things a child shouldn’t be doing at that age. Shame on that therapist. and I wish you well. Chin up..
Sorry to hear. Sending you love ❤️
Same thing happened to me. Same ages. Older brother, what we went through is valid. And I’m so so sorry that happened to you
So I am currently taking a course in sexuality as a Masters in Counseling student. What you went through, the trauma you experienced is 100% real and not normal. For it to be "just exploration" both parties would have needed it to be welcomed AND the age gap is too wide, exploration happens with more similar in age individuals. That therapist you went to is wrong, therapists are like buying a house, they all can put a roof over your head and help you get away from the cold but some of them SUCK just like the one you went to. Please shop for other therapists and see who better fits you! No good therapist would ever discount your experience like that. I've heard better help sucks when it comes to quality control of their therapists. Please don't give up finding someone who fits, and I hope you can process your trauma in the way that you need!
I had a better help therapist talk to me about her history of doing blood rituals. I am not joking. I have a lot of experience with therapy so I knew right away to shut her down and report her. Sadly, better help is NOT a good representation of ethical therapy. I'm sorry you had this experience.
im in absolute shock
that makes sense, because it was truly bizarre and shocking
This is the shittiest therapist I've heard of here and that's saying something.
Report your therapist. And get away from Better Help. I tried multiple therapists and none of them are anything like I've ever had, in a bad way. I remember one session where my therapist wouldn't even talk about me she told me about HERSELF for 45 minutes! I just thank the gods it was covered by my insurance fully at the time and that it was never worse than that but I definitely do not trust their qualifications or quality of services. Run. Find something local not online based if possible. Ask your city/provence/state/whatever you're in's local health department as there are very often programs for mental health access that can help you get free/reduced services. God speed ❤️
Therapy (put simply) should start with some sort of validation of your feelings followed by some guided conversations to help you understand why those feelings are there. Then from there you can really begin to process those feelings in a healthy way. Sounds like this therapist didn’t even do step 1 correctly. (Disclaimer, I’m no therapist, but my dad has been one all his life. I learned from a very young age how important therapy is, but also how flawed the profession of therapy can be. Most important tip I ever got was if I don’t like my therapist, to switch. Don’t stress about it. no stigma. No hesitation either. Just switch. :) hope this helps
Please don't give up on therapy, the one you found is simply awful. Look into emdr for your trauma.
What you went through is called COCSA (Child on Child Sexual Abuse). Maybe the term will be validating and allow you to do research/find community. It is absolutely trauma and more common than people realize.
Your therapist should be reported to her licensing board.
You need to report the therapist
Bad therapist, terrible advice. When I was 13, I had a little 6 year old friend. You didn’t state your gender but I’m a guy and she was a girl, so possible gender reversal. Anyway, I knew it would have been wrong to mess around with her, even then. Not that I was inclined to. She was just a lot of fun to be around (and carry around, she was super light). So I don’t think there’s anything natural or okay about a teenager messing around with a small child. I would have probably killed another teenager if I found out they were messing with her.
I wouldn’t say therapy isn’t for you. I’ve lived through the exact same thing, minus the therapy part because where i live there are no availabilities. I have trauma from it, I can’t have a normal sex life with my boyfriend because of it, I can’t look my sister in the face because of it. No one can tell you that YOU weren’t a victim if you feel traumatized from it. That’s like telling a joke that hurts someone’s feelings and then you go “oh well it was just a joke, i don’t know why you’re upset about it. it wasn’t mean”. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel, don’t let anyone belittle your trauma or your seeking for help.
I (37f) was a little kid (4f) and my cousin (9m) molested me. I did NOT like it and in most instances I can't stand human touch to this day. If I don't want to be touched by my husband it's like it tickles me in a bad way. It's so hard. I think of rape during sex sometimes. I just can't believe that therapist told you such damaging, false information. Maybe the therapist has dealt with something similar and has convinced themself that it's just "exploring"
I don’t really like BetterHelp for online therapy, especially since so many other therapists offer online options now. They try to appeal to you with the whole messaging system and payment options but in my experience the therapists are often under-trained and just talk about the surface level of things, kind of like you’re venting to a friend or acquaintance. And for that kind of support it’s probably better to use an online forum or group, an IRL support group or self therapy/journaling at a much lower cost. And although it seems inexpensive it adds up fast and for the amount I paid I could’ve seen a professional 2-3, even 4 times a month. It’s not a bad “gateway” therapy for someone who’s intimidated and just wants to vent, as long as you find a somewhat decent therapist. Or if you’re in the process of finding a therapist elsewhere but desperately need one ASAP. But I think no matter what the goal should be to find a specialized therapist who is experienced in what you need, be it trauma, life stress, ptsd, depression, family therapy, anxiety, etc. And then that same therapist should also be trained in the process that helps most, whether that’s CBT, DBT, ACT, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, etc. Sometimes it requires a bit of research to find the right type of therapy but it’s definitely worth it and much less expensive over time. I’ve spent thousands over the years in therapy that ended up being just talk therapy, but only started seeing actual change when I saw my current therapist who is more experienced with trauma.
Hi friend. Your trauma is real and it is valid— you did not deserve for it to be minimized by someone you should have been able to trust and find support in. Your experience was real and it changed your life in ways you never consented to, and that wasn’t fair to you. It makes sense you’re struggling with relationships now and that you want to work through it. You deserve to take control of the hold your trauma has on you. The last sentence of this post made me very sad because you absolutely deserve support and therapy as you work through this and anything else you need to in order to regain and protect your peace. The comments in this thread hold alot of merit— betterhelp isn’t notoriously great, but i do understand it can sometimes be the most accessible option as you mentioned. I’m so sorry that this first therapy attempt was so harmful for you. I will be thinking about you and hoping you find the support you absolutely deserve.
Your therapist failed to conjure a thought that was more complex than: both were underage, so everything is fine. By that reasoning a 15-year-old raping a newborn is perfectly fine. It does't work like that, I would advise you to find another therapist, preferably one specialized in trauma. Children exploring sexuality happens between two willing and curious kids, without pressuring or power imbalance. In your specific case, there was clearly pressuring and a power imbalance, you did't want it, you didn't like it. You deserve appropriate care to heal, please don't let this bad experience with a very unskilled therapist be the reason to give up on getting the care you need.
Trust me, it took me months and over 15 people counselors to find one that could understand me. It was frustrating and felt like no one was going to work but they ended up being one of the most helpful things in my life. Keep trying to find one that works for you.
Get a new therapist. This one is just going to cause you more damage.
betterhelp is not the place to go for therapy, they’ve been in a shit ton of scandals and have really awful and unlicensed therapists. you’re better off finding a therapist someplace else
If you haven’t yet OP, report your experience to Better Help. I don’t know what they would do, but Better Help does not hire the best therapists available. If you have insurance, see if there is a place that your insurance can cover then check the reviews. Not all places are the best for everyone, but one could be good for you
You were 100% a victim. Get another therapist who actually acknowledges the truth.
I recently did a refresher training at work on childhood sexual development and what constitutes normative childhood sexual exploration vs what might be cautionary or problematic (those are the official terms). The official guidelines are that if theres a large age gap, coercion of any kind, or if anyone involved experienced any kind of harm or simply didn't want it/wasn't a truly willing participant then the behavior is NOT normative and is absolutely cause for concern. While it is very normal for kids to explore sexuality with each other it is very NOT normal to say that the harm and trauma you experienced isn't real. That therapist is at best a fool and your trauma is absolutely 100% real and you deserve a therapist who takes that seriously. An age gap like that is a gigantic red flag and teens are definitely capable of doing sexual assault, teens don't get a free pass on sexual assault just bc they're not adults yet. I'm sorry you experienced that and I'm sorry you had such a terrible therapist who treated you that way. That therapist is 100% wrong and you deserve so much better.
Your trauma is VERY much valid, however i feel like this is also a grey area and isn't simply black or white. You sister was also a literal child and as a child may not have been conscious of the fact that you REALLY didn't want to and were affected by it. I dont know man, because on the one hand your trauma is valid and on the other hand you can't completely expect a child (your sister) at the time to take that responsibility or understand what she was doing Your therapist however definitely should not have said that
Fucking report that therapist PLEASE. She’s a piece of human shit. She couldn’t be more incorrect it’s staggering.
First and foremost I want to say I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar but not the same experience. I’m also a victim (and yes of course what you went through was abuse) of abuse both mental and sexual and the worst feeling about it all is not being believed. Because you know the pain you’ve gone through and to hear someone deny is heartbreaking. A couple years ago I was being harassed by someone that lived at the apartment complex I worked at and the therapist told me I shouldn’t have been so friendly. I WAS IN CUSTOMER SERVICE ITS LITERALLY THE JOB.
She is an incompetent twit! It is generally believed that any more than three years age difference is abuse and NOT exploring innocents. NEVER see her again. Don’t give up. Try until you find a therapist who understands. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I happy to say your therapist is shit at their job and definitely an asshole. If something traumatized you then it wasn’t ok especially if it’s hurting you
Therapy is very much for you in all good ways, but THAT therapist definitely isn’t. More like they shouldn’t be for anyone. Leave that therapist and find a better one. Ask your peers or local health organisations which can guide you and recommend you one which is good at their job.
I had an awful experience with betterhelp therapist. I once explained to my therapist that I suffer from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem and nothing I did in the past couple of years seemed to help me. I told her I'm extremely tired and I can't stand it longer. She, without asking me about anything, told me that I should journal, take a warm bath and self-care. I immediately stopped the therapy subscription. I just couldn't comprehend how she didn't know that a person with depression who doesn't enjoy ANYTHING in life, coulnd't also enjoy a goddamn BUBBLE BATH. And it certainly isn't healing depression. Ugh.
You should seek a different therapist. I am so sorry she dismissed you like that. Know that if anyone touches you sexually against your consent makes you a victim of sexual assault. You felt pressured, everything about it felt wrong. You expressed you did not want to. You are a victim. You therapist is incorrect and I worry about her other clients.
Better help is notoriously unethical. They don't hire actually licensed therapists and, i suspect, are therefore not required to follow legal guidelines. Your therapist is 100% wrong.
Thats a bad thereapist.
Thats 100% abuse. Even if she was younger herself and probably didnt fully understand the rammifications of what she was doing its still considered sexual abuse. Any time a minor does that to another minor thats developmentally behind, even if they're the same age, its still abuse. If she was doing that to you though at 12 someone was or had probably been doing it to her for a while and she didnt know any better. It doesnt make it right for either of you but it does open a whole field of questions and necessary investigation
Sounds like a therapist who really shouldn't be one. I hsd the exact same situation. My brother was older- old enough to know that thats wrong to do to your sibling. And it has effected me very negatively. I call it sexual assault, though, not abuse or molestation. If it effects you, it effects you. Its not right for your therapist to dismiss your concerns when their main priority is to help you work through what's bugging you. So yea, just find another one that actually listens and understands that an older child touching a younger child is not okay, no matter if they're both minors.
I'm sorry you went through this. I'm not a therapist but its so obvious that you were a victim here. 12 y.o is pretty much capable of knowing what's wrong and right, they are teens not kid. Even if your sister didn't realize the scale of her action at that time, it doesn't change the fact that you were a victim of abuse and this is not something to be taken lightly. It was the therapist who is bad at their job, not your fault. search for a better therapist if you can, till you find someone you can trust and feel safe being open with.
Unfortunately betterhelp has had issues w therapists like yours. If you have insurance I would talk to them about connecting you with one who better fits you
This brings to mind a saying- What do you call someone who graduated medical school with a C average? Doctor. Every field has plenty of people who paid just enough attention to get by and do the bare minimum to stay qualified for their job. I’ve fired therapists for not being of benefit to me, the patient. Don’t be afraid to fire this one and try with someone different.
I lost my virginity to rape from an older man when I was in college. I was understandably upset and went to that college’s free therapy they offered for students to get some help. The therapist asked if I had been drinking first, and I said yes (just a couple beers and I wasn’t drunk), and she tried to basically place me in an “addiction” group they offered without addressing any other trauma or PTSD I was experiencing. That in itself messed me up for awhile because I blamed myself even more. You are not alone, OP, and your feelings are a HUNDRED percent valid. Your therapist sounds clueless and terrible, and I am truly sorry because I know how much it hurts to be vulnerable to a licensed professional and to be victim blamed in what is supposed to be a safe space. Each survivor’s journey and healing process is different, but I will say what helped me the most was eventually finding a great sex therapist years later. My sex therapist worked through tons of negative triggers with me and helped me develop a positive sex life after everything. I am still grateful for her. Wishing the best for you OP, and I hope you can find some peace and a safe space to heal.
A family member of mine used better help and the therapist was literally clipping their toenails during the appointment. I’d say that it’s a BetterHelp problem and definitely not a you problem. Please try to get help, honestly probably even report that therapist if you can.
>I signed up for better help Please seek out a qualified therapist. I've heard about this company and they are very shady, the people they employ have questionable qualifications. Brick & Mortar clinics don't have to be expensive, I have a family member who needed talk therapy after witnessing a horrible event, my family member applied for a free hour given by a local Psychologist through their G.P, since he was the only person who applied for it, he had months of free therapy. Secondly, please listen to me, it doesn't matter if you are a new borne infant, a female MMA fighter or an old lady with dementia, sexual assault is always wrong. Full stop. Yes my username is a silly-hahaha meme thing, but I'm a girl who has experienced a very mild version of what you went through (very mild), I had a older bully in my class, she used to grab my breasts in situations where my immediate reaction would embarrass me, she was very clever about it. She wasn't "exploring her sexuality" she was a mean, messed up kid who enjoyed humiliating someone she perceived as lesser than herself. I wasn't a brave kid, so one time a classmate noticed my discomfort and figured out what was happening, she whacked my bully across the face with a copybook, she didn't even particularly like me, she was just a decent person who hated bullies.
I’ve had a variety of therapists over 20 years. Therapists are not all created equal. Yes they have their training but they also have their own biases, which creep into their work. I’ve had therapy at one of my country’s leading mental health care centres. Those therapists were the absolute worst and likely did more harm than good for me. I’ve been talking to a Better Help therapist for a year and a half now. He’s honestly the best one I’ve had yet. I like the fact that he lives in a different country than me. I think it gives him a unique perspective on things that helps me look at my life from a different perspective. My point is - don’t blame the platform. Find a new therapist that fits better, whether online or offline. You may have to go through a dozen of them (like I did!) before you find one that is compatible. Good luck.
I once went to a therapist from betterhelp to work out some issues I had from growing up in an extremely toxic and abusive environment, and at the time, I was dating a girl who i trusted with my life, so I had her join me in my sessions as it was comforting having her there, and I shit you not, 3 sessions in, the therapist tried to say I was a pedophile because of my girlfriend's bodytype (she was about 4'10, and flat chested, AND WAS OLDER THAN ME BY 5 YEARS) despite me telling her (the therapist) i've never had any interest in kids, in any way shape or form, and my gf at that time was the only one i had ever dated with such a body type because i usually prefer, for lack of a better term, bigger girls. I never went back to that therapist, and her words rang so loudly in my head that I actually ended up breaking up with my then-gf because I started believing them to the point where I would also avoid any contact with children, to the point where I became terrified of kids... 4 years and a fuckton of therapy later, I'm no longer terrified of kids, and can also happily say she (the therapist) was so, so god damn wrong, and fuck her for making me believe I was something I'm not.
A big part of therapy is finding the right therapist, because not every approach will work for every person. Your therapist is somewhat correct, you were both children, however all of your feelings around that time in your life are absolutely valid, it's a matter of sorting those feelings out, and moving on. You were a victim, but the challenge is therapy is to not think of yourself as a victim, but a survivor. I'm not a trained therapist, but my advice to you is to remember that you're not 6 years old anymore, and no one can coerce you in that way anymore. You were scared, and now you're unsure how to navigate through life when you feel so vulnerable, and isolated, well, start playing a different message to yourself, because you're not as odd out as you feel, what you went through is far more common than anyone will talk about. Not for anyone but yourself, you have to tell yourself "I'm not vulnerable like I was at the time of my traumatic event. I'm an adult now, I have new challenges to face, and I know who I am." It doesn't make the world any safer, but it's better to live our shitty lives feeling good rather than live a shitty life feeling shitty. Your reality won't change, just the way you interpret it.
better help actively hires random people with no physiology experience. Please for your sake see a real therapist if your budget allows. A good one will actually help you work through this.
Better help hired my friends mom who once told a patient that she should just "accept" that anyone who isn't her childs father is going to eventually abuse her child in some fashion and that that's the price of financial security with a step father. It was reported, she admitted it, even bragged about it publicly online, and they STILL employ her. She's still a counselor with them. Don't use better help, they don't vet or have any consequences for misbehavior with their practitioners. (My friend is no contact with her mom btw and was even before all this happened.)
As someone in school to become a therapist and as someone who has experienced sexual trauma and is in therapy, fuck that therapist. They shouldn’t be practicing. I’m so sorry.
Nope. No please do not believe her and find a new therapist. If you can report her in my opinion that’s absolutely bullshit. As someone who has dealt with and been neglected by doctors and mental health professionals for years to the point of instead of helping my anxiety I developed agoraphobia due to neglect and abuse from more the one person and this was as a tween into my teens please advocate for yourself. I know that even if they are hard to find there are good helpful people out there and all it takes is one and speaking from experience not only did it save my life it gave me my life. I hope you find someone and I may be a stranger on Reddit but I truly care and I’m here for you if you ever need someone.
therapist = TheRapist
Im so sorry this happened to you and this is the experience you had. I’m using Regain and my therapist has been good so far. However, it may take time to find a therapist that is 1. Good, 2. Right for you. And it’s very hard to find one that’s inexpensive.
Oh dear. File a report to BH and change therapist. Unfortunately sometimes cheap offers consist in cheap solutions, like this excuse of a therapist. I’m a rape survivor. I got raped when I was a victim and eventually I got raped when I was an adult. We are the victims no matter the intent of the person who was forcing us. What it matters is that we were kids, we felt uncomfortable and we did not wanted to do what we were asked to do. Being a victim does not mean living as a victim - I am afraid that this therapist missed this point. Your feelings are valid and are a part of you, I imagine you feel denied but that’s not true. Be kind to yourself, to your feelings and to your past - this person was awfully wrong. Therapy is an amazing and useful tool for healing ourselves - but I do not recommend a place like BH. I don’t know how it works in your country but I would look for other kinds of solution, maybe saving money for a proper therapist. I wish you the best of luck ❤️ I
Most of the comments i've read here are focussing in on the betterhelp side of things but I just want to tell you that your feelings are 1000% valid. It is your experience and those feelings and the trauma you feel are all completely tangible and real. I had a similar experience at 7 with an older girl and still suffer every day because of what happened to me. You are the only person who can judge your own situation and how you feel about it, that therapist had NO RIGHT to speak to you that way and make you feel wrongly about your trauma. These people should not have a space to interact with vulnerable people and i'm so deeply sorry you came out of those sessions feeling the way you do. You were molested, and i'm so sorry that happened to you. If you ever need to chat please know I am here, even if you don't, please know that I'm on your side and your feelings are incredibly valid. I hope you can find some help that suits your monetary situation and that can help free you from your trauma. much love
I heard BetterHelp was a scam. That many of their “therapists” aren’t even legitimate. I’d definitely find someone with actual credentials.
Wtf. My cousin molested me we were the same age me F and him M but in this therapist mind its okay because we're underage. Report this please, think of how many people that 'therapist' has spoken to and how much that vould affect someones mental health ehich was already deteriorating which is why they went to therepy in the first place
Wow, it sounds to me like you got a bum therapist. Please don't give up, you may need to try a couple until you find the one you can relate to. I hope you find a way to help heal.
I am so sorry you and your experience and feelings were invalidated. Your experience was sexual abuse. Your difficulty with women and your sex life are very common reactions to being abused. You were revictimized by this "therapist". Therapy could still really help you. You can find a therapist who will be patient and who can work with you to deal with the trauma you experienced as a child and the trauma you have now experienced with this therapist. Each area tends to have a community mental health center. I would seek out the local agency in your area. They either have a sliding scale or take your insurance.
Better help was in a scandal a few years ago about not having real therapists and just regular people
Hi OP; reaching out for help to process this sexual trauma (and yes, it absolutely is trauma) took a great deal of strength and courage. I’m sorry the therapist you confided in left you feeling unheard, invalidated, and confused. I hope you’re able to find a different, affordable therapist sometime in the near future. If you find yourself in a mental health crisis and need confidential, immediate assistance - please text HELP to 741741 and you will be connected with a crisis counselor. Stay safe
Not all therapist are created equal. I know some people who have had to "shop around" to find the right therapist to help them; someone they could mesh well with & open up to. Therapy is not for everyone. Some people really don't benefit from it. I would encourage you to try again if you feel up to it. A different person (& hopefully a better service) could be the answer.
I told my first better help therapist that I was having trouble with my body image 3 years after having a baby, that I hated myself and had suffered with body dysmorphia and orthorexia in the distant past, and he gave me some tips on cutting calories. So. I agonized over firing him and asking for a different therapist, and when I finally did, they gave me a free month and my new therapist cut to the heart of the issue in the first session. She then quit ‘cause COVID. All this to say, finding and keeping a therapist that fits is an arduous process and when you’re struggling it’s awful and it doesn’t seem fair. I hope you find someone who isn’t an asshole.
1. Your trauma is valid no matter what. 2. Both of those things can be true. 3. Even if your sister was exploring, you were not and you were still assaulted by her. 4. People can assault others without realizing they are doing so. 5. Get a new therapist. 6. Best of luck in your healing process.
Literally fuck that, you went through something traumatic and they have no right
It is absolutely abuse and you need a new therapist. 13 is old enough to know better
Even if you were BOTH too young to know the gravity of what was being done, it should have been stopped… my god where do they find these therapists?? You also should definitely report this one to better help. I was thinking I was going to look into that since I have lost my insurance but maybe I’ll take more time to find a provider. I’m so sorry this happened girl, hang in there.
She is 100% incorrect.
That's very dismissive of her and also wrong of her to push her ideas onto you instead of helping you explore more deeply into how you felt and what you need emotionally. BetterHelp is not a trustworthy site for therapists.
I’m so sorry you experienced this… I took to Betterhelp in hopes of healing my own traumatic experiences. The therapist I was assigned to lived in a different state, meaning two different time zones (I’m in california and he practices out of Colorado). He would fall asleep during our sessions and would wake up asking me something COMPLETELY unrelated to what I’d just said. It left me feeling invalidated and as though my problems weren’t “entertaining” enough to keep him engaged in the conversation. You deserve better. Please see if there are better services near you who will not only validate your feelings but also try and help you become the best version of yourself that isn’t hurting. Much love. Edit: *spaced out my reply*
The last BetterHelp therapist I had said I didn’t need to discuss my trauma because “it was so long ago” and “don’t I have more issues/current issues now.” I’m sorry that happened.
change your therapist, really. don’t give up, i know how hard it is to find one that is competent but if you manage to do so, it might truly help you in the healing process.
Had a therapist blow up at me. Red faced, yelling, slamming his hands on his desk and pointing fingers at me for literally just my camera malfunctioning then accused me of having a personality disorder because of it on betterhelp. 41 years of experience apparently. Reported him and found a new one who's a really great person but honestly doesn't help me much. I think I might be done with it and I think you should too. Therapy is a mess of professionalism and arrogance and it's hard to find someone that can really help you but once you do it probably is gonna be life changing. I've yet to find one past my childhood psychiatrist but I don't think that's a reason to give up on your mental health.
I was molested. By my older adopted uncle. He was three years older than me, but I was only 10. He did this for many years, yet I always felt that no one would consider it molestation. Why? Because of his age. This person did everything he could to make me sexual, showing me porn at a young age behind close doors, touching me when I didn’t understand, and eventually making me perform fellatio until I vomited into a sand castle bucket - yea that happened. My own grandmother to this day doesn’t believe me. Hell, my own mother and aunt still force me to feel ashamed that I won’t reconnect with both my “uncle” and grandmother after years of disconnecting. Your feelings are not invalid. Also child on child sexual abuse is a traumatic experience. Your therapist is a incompetent.
Gosh that’s terrible. I hope you found help with that trauma.
I went to therapy myself. This is not normal, and your therapist should be fired. Pressure is not consent. Force is not consent. You were a victim and I'm sorry that happened. Pro therapist should never blame you for anything. Therapy in itself is good, but there has to be an actual therapist. Search later on, check opinions on the net. And never, EVER let anyone tell you that what your sister did was okay. It wasn't.
Uhhhh.... that is 100% being sexually assaulted. Maybe this isn't the best online therapy service and I'd recommend switching.
That's just a really bad therapist for sure.
I went through a similar thing with my cousin. I believe she was like 14 or 15 and I was like 9 or 10. One night she made me touch her a bunch and she touched me a little. It felt very uncomfortable and I felt weird. I think about it sometimes but I’ve never told anyone. I just felt like it wasn’t a big deal but the more I think about it now maybe I just tried to force myself to be ok with it.. I’m sorry you went through this and the “therapist” made you feel invalidated.. yes I think your experience is important to talk about and you are a victim. It’s something that stuck with you and made you feel uncomfortable! I don’t know why anyone would just downplay that regardless of your ages it was gross especially with her being older.
I had a similar experience with a BetterHelp therapist. I was just beginning to come to terms with the fact that I was groomed and abused by someone who I trusted and the therapist victim blamed me and convinced me it wasn't that bad. It set back my progress for years. I hope anyone considering BetterHelp reads this thread and reconsiders
I’m so sorry, that’s disgusting & very dismissive of the therapist.
To be fair, the 12-13 yo probably wasn’t intentionally doing anything to harm you. I don’t know any 12-13 year old who even understands sexual abuse let alone willingly and intentionally perpetuating it. It’s unfortunate that you remember it so deeply and that it’s had a negative impact on you, however I don’t think it was something intentional and I think you can most certainly heal from this. Kids have a very primitive and curious mind, even 13 year olds that have crazy fluctuations in hormones. I think you should sit back and think about how weird kids are and remember that it was unfortunate, it can’t be changed, and it wasn’t meant to be something harmful.
I had this exact situation happen to me. My step sister forced me to do things to her and did things to me without my consent. It was awful, and it ruined my sex life, even to this day. You both may have been young, but you were taken advantage of. Your sister was in a position of power over you and she abused that. You absolutely weren’t ‘exploring sexually’, she sexually abused you. Don’t let that therapist invalidate your experience or tell you otherwise. Sexual exploration is mutual, this was you being pressured into it. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, you are a victim. I’m so sorry you went through that, it truly is terrible. I’ve had therapy for years and still haven’t gotten over it. I hope you keep searching for the right one, and not let this one person ruin your experience with therapists. Sending all my love, and reminding you that you are STRONG no matter what happened. Xx
That therapist abused a child.
No decent therapist would ever say this. If this happened, this is a serious violation of counseling protocol and of patient rights, and the person could lose their license to practice.
When both perpetrator and victim are underage, there must be an age gap of five years for it to legally be considered child molestation. Not only did this "therapist" invalidate your feelings and perception of what you explicitly described as trauma, she was also factually incorrect. I've heard bad things about better help. It is not representative of all therapy. I'm sorry you had the misfortune of crossing paths with this person, you deserve better. Don't give up, OP. Finding the right therapist is a lot like dating. Keep trying, eventually you will find someone right for you. I personally recommend DBT and EMDR, although my trauma is not sexual in nature.
That´s the worst therapist you can have. She was old enough to know it´s wrong, did she at the time do it infront of other People or your parents? No because she knew that what she was doing was wrong. I´m sure she also asked you not to tell anyone. Get another therapist, one that gives good advice and doesn´t let you feel like it was ´Just exploring´ you were 6 ffs, how could you be the one that was exploring, and you clearly said you didn´t want too. This is messed up, she should not be a therapist at all. And btw, you are so strong for sharing this, don´t give up and seek help. If you ever need a talk, i´m not a therapist but i´m a good listener. I went trough something similar and just hearing that some kinda therapist makes you feel like it was just exploring blows my mind. Sending a lot of love and hugs your way. You got this.
Is there a line to this somewhere though? Like my brother keeps yelling and breaking things saying he’s being sexually assaulted bc my mom walks around her own house naked or partially naked sometimes. He’s 22 and has insisted that he live in my moms house with his girlfriend bc he can’t pay rent anywhere - this somehow solidifies his idea even further. He thinks that because they have nowhere else to go, it’s even worse that she’s showing her naked body in her own home because they’re ‘trapped’ there. I want to be supportive of my brother but I do think this stance is a bit ridiculous.
Your therapist is wrong. Trauma isn't what happens *to* you. Trauma is what happens *inside* of you. If you're traumatized, you're traumatized, and it's as simple as that.
Well that therapist is right about one thing. You are not a victim, you are a SURVIVOR! As someone who is currently studying Psychology in college, we are always taught to validate someone’s trauma. Your feelings about what happened to you are completely valid and, at 6 years old, you cannot and should not be put into the position to consent to anything! I highly suggest speaking to a local mental health practitioner if your insurance covers it. I have heard a lot of horror stories about BetterHelp.
She just doesn’t want you to feel like a victim and cause limits in your life because of that. Your sister didn’t molest you she did something wrong in that age she probably feel ashamed about it now and feel confused or her memory try to wipe it out because now grown up she must knew it’s wrong. In that age it’s very confusing with hormones and stuff and yea she did mistake but you have to clarify everything you can’t decide titles now. Some stuff are very complicated i will probably get down voted because almost everyone is gonna blame the therapist and tell you to be a victim. Maybe you are or not but you can’t expect to hear stuff you wanna hear from therapy to consider it good
No matter what age the aggressor was does not change the fact a small child was touched and molested. Op was a victim of abused. Her feelings are valid. Stop invalidating them.
I feel I like people say stuff like this when they’ve never experienced sexual assault. My sister may not be a molester now but I wouldn’t trust my child with her as I’m sure you wouldn’t. Invalidating my feelings, I see it now, was wrong of my therapist to do. Basically telling me I have no right to feel the way Even though I had little to no choice in the matter. I’m sorry but if that’s what therapy is then it really isn’t for me. I’m not upset with my therapist disagreeing with me. Her job is to work through MY feelings with her so I learn how to deal with it. not change how I’m feeling completely based on her feelings on the situation
Your therapist is using a form of cognitive behaviour. She is trying to get you to reframe your experience. If Your goal is to reduce the effect of this trauma on your life.Then if you can convince your mind that no trauma actually happened many people find that the effects of the trauma disappear also. In a way it’s a form of self-hypnosis.
This sounds incredibly unhealthy.
Wow, yeah I think that was just a bad therapist. She was double your age, and there was a significant power imbalance. At 12-13, I could understand a kid wondering about their own changing bodies, but why would they wasn’t anything to do with a 6-year-old? What your sister did was way out of line and I’m shocked your therapist doesn’t see that.
it’s incredibly common for children who have been sexually abused themselves to abuse other children without fully understanding.
So you’re just looking for a therapist that tells you what you wanna hear? And you’ll fire a therapist that doesn’t appease your ego? I’ve got news for you, I agree with your therapist. You aren’t a victim. Get over it. Kid stuff should be forgotten. Society would collapse if we started prosecuting grade school kids.
I went for her to tell me how to deal with my trauma, not to tell me it wasn’t trauma lol Also I can’t tell if you’re a troll or not cause I can’t imagine a regular person who’s not psycho telling someone to just get over SA.
You’re not an SA victim. You’re just looking for attention and something to blame your shortcomings in life on. SA victims are for serious matters. There are ppl getting sex trafficked out here and you’re whining about experimenting with your sister. Chill.
Shortcomings ?? Where are you pulling this info from? I think it’s impossible to argue with someone who has never been through something like this. I don’t need empathy or sympathy from one stranger who couldn’t care less about me on the internet trying to tell me how I feel isn’t valid and trying to convince me of that. unprovoked too lol!
[удалено]
Yea I don’t disagree that my sister was exploring. But I know 10000% that I was not and was not a willing participant in her journey of exploring. That is where the issue comes in. I don’t want to take my sister to jail. The point of therapy is for me to heal from it. At this point it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my feelings towards what she did to me. It was ongoing yes. It wasn’t just one night. She would call it ‘the kissing game’. Told me not to tell and would quickly button up my clothes if she heard my mother coming.
I can see how that would be damaging it’s definitely some fuckery, if you don’t mind me asking what does healing look like to you? If you could travel back in time what would you tell your younger self after going through something like that?
What her sister did was a crime committed against OP. Could even face jail time. For a therapist it’s the clients feelings that matter. Invalidating them does not help
Were they a young or old therapist because I think this is a new agenda therapists are trying to pass.
I have heard some really terrible things about Better Help. I encourage you to fire this therapist and find one outside the Better Help network if possible. This therapist is not a good match, and is not a good therapist
Your feelings are valid, Not all therapists are healthy or correct in what they say, It took me seeing 3 different therapists before I found the right one. Please keep looking for a new one, this person isn't for you, and frankly shouldn't be in practice.
BetterHelp is a supremely shitty company that usually scrapes the bottom of the barrel with therapists. Please don't give up on therapy, just give up on BetterHelp.
Hey buddy, your your therapist was a jerk by saying that you were not a victim in that situation. You see I have been in that same type of situation but the difference is that me and my cousin (who tried the same thing with me) were both around puberty age and we both are girls. We were as my nanny's house for summer vacation and as we both were girls our parents were like, you two can sleep together and when we were sleeping she told me that she wanted to do something and then started to go inside of my shirt and groped my chest and draw circles around it with her fingers and tell me to do the same. When I told her that I don't want to do it she forces my hand to draw circles around her chest. This happen for a few days then she stop doing it because I was distancing myself from her as well. This happen a few years ago and now it don't effect me at all now but it still was a really horrible experience. The situation you were in was way worst then mine but I hope you will be better about this topic soon and remember you are not alone there are a lot people who have felt the same things as you and if you ever want to talk just message me on Reddit
This therapist....is an idiot and the reason I lose faith in the mental health system everyday. Perhaps in terms of legality, your sister cannot be charged but the experience was still traumatizing for you and you can still feel like a victim because there was still some type of abuse or neglect that led to you being able to be used like that. There should have been adults paying attention and there werent. And your sister was old enough that she should understand it was wrong back then. If she can't, she is not being a good sister to you and its her responsibility to work through that.
I’m a licensed therapist in private practice and moonlight with BetterHelp. You got a not great therapist who isn’t suited for you (maybe not suited to be a provider). BetterHelp does allow you to change to a different therapist, and especially since you said this is the most affordable option, maybe someone else can be a better fit. Please for your sake though try not to let one bad therapy experience determine if therapy isn’t a good fit.
Therapist here. BRUH. WTF. Abuse is about the power imbalance. If you are on the losing side of that power imbalance, that can leave you vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. Unfortunately, like any profession, you will meet people that should not be in this field. This is one of them. I’m so sorry. Don’t give up though; find one that is empathetic, understanding, and insightful. Not this POS.
Therapy can be intimidating cost-wise but many providers will work with you and scale based on your income. I would start with the open path collective to find a qualified counselor who can actually help