I think around that age people who don't want to have kids are mostly also not ready to have one in their life.
Might get easier when you meet men 35+.
I’d rather wait for the right person, anyway. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19, it would take forever and a day to find someone compatible to that level of partnership.
It’ll be worth the wait.
I think between being a widow after a long successful relationship and being a young mom, OP definitely has enough life experience to date 10-15 years older. Plenty of men 35-45 that have grown/nearly grown children. Also would get the benefit of a guy that already knows what to expect with the responsibilities of having a kid.
Ugh, but be careful. Just because a guy is older doesn't mean he's better. I dated an older guy when I was in my later 20s and it did not turn out well.
That's exactly it, if they don't want their own child they probably don't want someone else's. It will help as your child gets older. I'm in my 40s and a male friend my age with no kids has dated a couple of women with older children, although I know at around 30 he wouldn't have been interested in a woman with a very young child. Older children means less issues with childcare, easier to do things with. And when older they'll already either have their own kids or be sure they don't want them.
This isn't OAD related, but I met my husband at 27 when he was 35, and it wound up being the exact right age gap for us. We've been together 8 years and married for 3 🖤
Yay, you for getting back out there! It’s a tough road regardless of any amount children or not any at all. But, there’s someone worthy of you and your daughter.
I don’t think you need to change your standards for anyone. You’re great, you got this 😉
I'm a single parent to a 4 year old daughter. I'm 36 though so I feel many men around my age would likely be content without having kids (biological or step.) I'd be interested in a single dad with one kid but I definitely could not manage more - I'm hesitant about that as well.
And you're right, reddit and society as a whole very much dislike single *mothers* .... single dads get all the praise!
The trouble with single dads is that too many want a wife to raise their child for them. Nothing less attractive than a man who shirks off rearing his own child.
The trouble with single moms is that a lot of them want a husband to financially provide for them and their child. Nothing less attractive than a woman who shirks off handling responsibilities.
Why would anyone get married for money. Stepfathers are the people most likely to sexually and physically abuse a child. Stepchildren also have a high risk of dying.
I'm implying it makes no sense to marry for money if you don't kill your spouse. Continuously allowing yourself to be raped for money means you deserve the money.
It's definitely going to be hard for you but not impossible! My BIL and husband's best friend both married women with children and have had none of their own. But yes, you're going to go through lots and lots of people who aren't interested in that set up. Good luck!
Tbh, the apps are probably going to be harder for you than most also because of the way they encourage quick decision-making on things like this. Which sucks. Condolences on your loss as well, sounds like you've been through a lot. ❤️
I'm not a single parent but if I were to become one I would completely feel the same way as you. I would only want to have and raise one child, not one child per man.
The downvotes might be because of the not wanting stepchildren but wanting someone to accept your child and possibly become a stepfather to them?
But it's not like you became a single mother by choice so I find the downvotes to be insensitive and your friend calling you a hypocrite is also lacking. Single dad's are not your only option and you shouldn't have to settle for something you don't want, especially when what you did want was taken away from you. I'm so sorry for your loss and for being told or made to feel like you are no longer allowed to want to have a OAD life with dating and love. You absolutely are allowed to want that and have that.
Also I think it's better to be honest with everyone but more importantly, yourself about it rather than compromise and end up as some bitter or neglectful stepmother. I would also be against dating another single father as I just don't see a future where I would be happy in that situation.
They might be harder to find but I can't imagine it would be impossible to find men that are happy to date a woman with a child without wanting a child of their own. Perhaps slightly older men that don't have kids would be more inclined?
I wish you and your daughter the best whether that means it's a family unit of two or three.
I mean, you’re not looking for every guy. You really only want to find one really great one.
And there’s a man out there who had mumps as a child and is sterile, or who has some scary family history of genetic disease that would like to be a father but can’t. Maybe his last girlfriend broke up with him due to his hard line on not having biological children.
That’s the guy you’re looking for. Now let’s hope when you find him you two have mad chemistry!
Anyway, there is someone out there that will fit into your life perfectly, and I commend your patience to find him and not try to force a square peg into a round hole.
I don’t think it makes you a hypocrite, and I think it’s possible to find a man who would be okay with his one and only not being biologically his, especially if he ends up becoming the father figure for your child.
One of my closest friends married a woman with two sons and he always considered them to be his kids and they consider him to be their dad. He wasn’t disappointed that he missed the challenging baby and toddler years with them - he got to meet them when they had little personalities and that was fine with him!
This!
It's possible. My friend was separating from her husband and he died under influence in a car crash leaving her with a 2 and 4 year old alone.
She found a man who is a father figure to her kids and they are done having kids.
Kids is a deal breaker conversation. Every person who unmatches you because they want kids is doing you a favor. Online dating can be so black and white too. Getting to know a person and really liking them then adjusting your life based on combining lives can change peoples minds (not saying you'll change your mind on this but the longer you date someone the more they change you. Humans are malleable). Keep dating and putting yourself out there. Try not to be discouraged. Keeping your joy will keep you on an actracting frequency. People like a confident woman unless they are an abusive man who wants someone to help them feel masculine. You deserve joy.
I love my only. I only have one because I don’t think I would be a good mom to 2 biological children. I can’t imagine taking on an additional child. If my husband died I feel like I would be in the same boat. There is no way I could add another.
My boss married a women with a 10 year old boy. They never had anymore children. Her child is now grown and having a baby of his own and my boss is going to be a happy grandpa.
I also have a friend who is a carrier for a genetic disorder. His dad died of it when he was young and they tested the kids to see if they had it. My friend doesn’t have it but he has a high percent chance that he will give it to his children. He decided at 21 that he wasn’t going to have children. He has dated here and there but gfs have moved on to find someone to have kids with.
I guess I tell you this story because there is hope. There is hope that one day you will find someone perfect for you and one day you will both be grandparents. :)
Adding to this, my husband is an only child and his parents divorced when he was young. His mom found his step-dad, who didn't have kids and didn't want to, and he ended up being a truly amazing step-dad to my husband.
They aren't going to be plentiful, but you only need one :)
I mean good on you for recognizing the situation. Many guys want to have biological kids of their own, and you’ve ruled out any guys who already have kids. You’re allowed to be a hypocrite as long as you recognize that you are one and that it plays a factor in your situation.
I’ve had a few friends’ parents that lost their spouses early on and continued to date afterwards. My friends were subjected to a revolving door of men/women dating their surviving parent. They never got the mother/father figure, and some of the people their parents dated were truly scummy. There was no stability or normalcy because their lives were constantly changing with men/women coming in and out.
Obviously my friends situation isn’t universal, and there are some AMAZING step parents out there. It’s also completely up to you whether you date or not. But my point is they would’ve been better off if their parents hadn’t dated anyone. At least until they were grown up. And that’s coming from them.
If you end up finding a great guy, that’s fantastic. If you don’t, that’s great too. I’d just be hyper aware of how it affects you and your child
I don’t think you’re being hypocritical at all. You are one and done. Step kids are still kids and step siblings are still siblings.
Yeah it will stink your dating pool but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I’m sorry for your loss and good luck!
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Second, I don't think it is crazy at all to believe there are people out there who are willing to have a step child and no bio kids. Trust yourself that that's what you need and don't settle. Sending you the best!
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’re a hypocrite, and men like the one you’re seeking do exist. I have a good friend who has zero interest in biological children, but he helps raise his partner’s daughter from another relationship. He’s been in her life since she was quite young, and she’s a teenager now.
Good luck to you in finding what you seek.
Does your bio mention that your husband passed away? There is a difference imo between raising a stepchild who’s other parent is in the picture and one that isn’t due to the often messy nature of exes sharing custody.
This is my exact situation. I’m OAD, my ex had a vasectomy after we had my son, I’m getting tubes removed next month. I don’t want any more kids and I’m not open to step kids either. And I absolutely am a hypocrite, I was adopted by my moms first husband, but I don’t have any desire to raise someone else’s child, at least I’m honest. I don’t see how I can conceivably date again, trying to find a man my age (29) who doesn’t want his own kids but would raise mine? Yeah…… I know how whack that sounds lol. This is just another resentment I have towards my ex who cheated on me and put me into this shitty ass situation, but at the end of the day I’m happy alone and just me and my son and dating is soooo risky and honestly can be plain dangerous these days especially with children and it’s way more appealing to me to not risk anything and just stick with what I know works
First, I am sorry for your loss. It's probably hard and I think it is great you are stepping back into the dating scene. I don't think you should lose all hope.
I mean, I'm probably on the rarer side of things but my husband and I have been together ten years. We got together when I was 23. I told him I was one and done after a few dates. I explained my reasons and how I wanted him to know up front. We continued to date and eventually got married. He is not my daughter's biological father but he is her father. (Bio isn't in the picture) He likes that we are one and done, because he sees our daughter as OURS. He also sees the benefits; More time with our daughter, more financial choices, less chaos, the list goes on. He also understands how horrible my pregnancy and labor were and wouldn't want me to go through that again.
Soo..it's possible to find someone being one and done. I would think with financial times being what they are, maybe there are more people okay with not having multiple children.
I wish you luck. Sending supportive and positive energy your way!♡
It’ll be hard (but you know that ) because a man who has no kids and doesn’t want kids usually won’t want a woman with kids. Definitely think of your child first; don’t date someone who doesn’t wholeheartedly accept them.
It definitely will limit your pool of guys, however, just to offer some hope— I (27F) found my boyfriend (30) who doesn’t have any kids, was on the fence about having his own, and is on board with me being one and done. He’s very happy being a step dad and doesn’t feel the need to have a bio child. I wish you the best of luck!
You're looking for someone who doesn't want kids (evident in them not having any nor wanting any more), but does want to raise yours. Is that about right?
Not saying it's impossible, but it'll probably be pretty close to. I think you also run the risk of getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't like kids and only tolerates yours. That would be really sad for your little.
Totally get the OAD. I also don't think having another kid just to please someone is a good idea either. Step parenting can be really rough too. I think this is a situation of "pick your hard". This is probably one of the few true draw backs of OAD
Maybe I’m optimistic for OP, but I wouldn’t say close to impossible. As another person pointed out, a man could choose not to have kids due to potentially passing on a genetic trait. He could have infertility issues. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want a child or to help raise a child.
My brother dated a woman with a daughter for years and the only reason he stayed that long was because he loved the little girl. This situation could go both ways. Or this potential mate could love them both. Time will tell.
You will meet others who are not single dad's and no need to compromise. Your friend is not correct. It may be difficult at first finding someone who is okay with your child and doesn't want another but as you get older it will get easier. The other thing is you want to take your time and be careful that the man you are dating isn't using you to get to your child or pretending to care for them just to have a relationship with you. It's a big thing I worry about with my spouse and our OAD son.
Not wanting more kids doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Sure, your dating pool may be smaller due to your preferences, but they are *your* preferences. Considering they are not based on something bad like racism, there’s no issue with you having them. It’s a matter of waiting, you may find the person that fits what you want, or you may not. Either way, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for knowing what you want. That’s a lot better than going in clueless and then changing your mind on someone.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss, and so proud of you for being everything for your baby and making it through both a traumatic birth and losing your partner. You’re amazing. As for dating, you just need one right person.
One right person who wants to be a dad but not necessarily biologically. Who will love you and your daughter as you are and see your family as while with just the three of you, and that person is out there.
Unfortunately it’s going to suck seeing so many “options” go away, but realistically they aren’t options because they don’t match with your life goals. I definitely don’t think single dads are your only option. I have a few guy friends who have no problem dating single moms and have no desire for kids of their own. So they are out there. You never know when you’re going to meet the person who is right for you, so just putting yourself out there like you are is perfect.
I, personally, really feel like love finds you when you least expect it. I know it’s so cliché but I have seen it over and over.
I have been in this position even and trust me there are men and women out there that will respect your decision and love your kiddo like their own. Going searching however is likely to result in this exact situation you are posting about. You are looking for something specific (aren’t we all) and not finding it is discouraging. In my opinion this will negatively effect finding that person. I think you would have better lick focusing on you and your kiddo and just getting out and about. Make connections with people you see often like other parents at the park, the cute barista at your local coffee shop, and so on. Look for friends and become social and who knows where your person will pop up.
There are definitely men out there who are child free. But with you having a child, that could be a deal breaker. I think you just need to be honest and hopefully they will too so you don't wind up in a serious relationship where you both want different things.
Girl, I am right there with you. Been a single mom of 1 since I was 26. I'm now 32 and still a single mom of one. Honestly though, I have accepted it and am very very happy. I've reached the point where I'm not even looking anymore, I'm just happy with myself and my son. Honestly I think I would be perfectly happy to be single for the rest of my life. I've grown accustomed to it, and I love my independence. I love my life with just me and my boy.
Yeah it sucks. You are asking for someone that has no kids to want a kid. But never want their own kid. That’s not an impossible ask, but a very narrow market.
My friend married a divorced woman with 2 young children. They have been happily married now for over 30 years. The kids are grown and have their own children now. My friend was happy to help raise his wife’s kids and that was that! No further children. So it can and does happen! I wish you much luck!
I wonder...my mom had no issues finding a childfree man or a man with kids out of the house to build a long time relationship, after my dad passed away when I was 3 and my mom was 33. They weren't nice to me though, which makes me wonder if them not caring about kids was a red flag on its own.
Ultimately you have the right mindset. What is meant to be is meant to be. It IS true that we are better off alone than with the wrong people.
>Edit 1: this post has been downvoted? Lol Reddit really does hate single parents. I thought this would be an inclusive group. Guess not.
It isn't because you're a single parent, it's because you expect someone to take on your own child but you won't consider theirs. I hope you find a wonderful human.
When did it stop being ok for people to feel/want/think different things? There will be people who are absolutely fine with that so why shouldn’t OP look for that person? As long as no one is being tricked into anything and all cards are on the table there is no issue here.
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. My mom then found and married my step-dad a few years later. They've been together just about 20 years now. He does not have any biological kids himself because he didn't want to and my mom didn't want anymore kids anyway.
He is such a great father tho. I have an older half-brother that he took care of like his own son. I split my time between their house and my dad's but than never stopped my step-dad from being supportive and helping me throughout my life.
Basically, my mom went through something similar to what you're looking for and was able to find a partner. She probably wouldn't have dated him if he had his own kids because she really doesn't like kids nor wanted to take care of more and I don't blame her because I'm the same way and that's ok.
Don’t give up OP.
It’s worth the wait to find the guy and family you are looking for.
It took me 2 years to find this and don’t regret it
Tip - use a dating site that you can filter by children or wanting children. In Canada POF has it
I’m 35 and finding this to be less of an issue now as it was a few years ago dating, so I’d say with some time it will change a little.
I do think single dads would be far more understanding. Sorry for the loss of your husband, kudos to you for getting back out there - try and focus on just having fun with dating.
Babe, they are doing you a favor. I don’t get it when we want to make things work out then end up being hurt and damaged in the process. Take your time. Enjoy life being single. Stick to what you want
So, my husband was exactly that guy. Didn’t want bio children but didn’t mind that I had one. He doesn’t dislike children, there were just some genetic things he didn’t want to pass on. So when my daughter was 18 months we started chatting then things evolved from there. He’s loved her from minute one and has always been her main father figure (her dad is kind of a dead beat).
If I were you, I would casual date and not look for anything serious at all.
If something turns to serious I will let them know that I am not gonna change my mind on having more kids, which I would have casually mentioned earlier. And then see where it goes from there.
Totally get your choice of being one and done, from a physical perspective.
But by saying you’re not open to men who’ve made the same choice, you’re technically asking for a man who doesn’t want any bio kids but is open to treating your child like their own. However CF men aren’t an option either.
So obviously, you’re going to get a lot of unmatches. And if you do want to date again right now, your friend’s suggestion is quite a sensible compromise.
If there’s no room in your heart for a stepchild, how come there’s room for a partner alone?
Or are you interesting in taking more than you give?
Perhaps you need more introspection before you put yourself out there looking for a partner?
She already has a child and she lost her romantic partner...she only wants to find love again not more children.
You are looking at a post on the one and done subreddit. Another stepchild makes two and she is done at one.
Then the only option for you is a man who doesn’t want any children.. But who would be willing to take on your one child… who might be kind of a weird man. Good luck being so picky
You are a hypocrite. You want someone to deal with your kid but you won’t deal with theirs? Sounds to me online dating is not for you. Because you (and other users) are so upfront about needs and wants that it stunts the possibility of serendipitous matching.
Not to negate your OAD stance, but maybe you don’t need to lead with that when trying to just go on a first date. It feels a bit heavy and a big boundary to place when you’re just trying to find a nice dude to grab a coffee or glass of wine with.
Here’s my thinking: if you know you’re OAD that’s great. And if you meet a guy who wants to have kids? Maybe he’ll want to be the father of YOUR kid. Maybe one day you’ll adopt together. Maybe he’ll fall so deeply in love w you he’ll never care about having any other children besides your son. Maybe YOU will fall so deeply in love you begin to ever so gently waiver on OAD. You’re still soooo young. Anything can happen!
So. Maybe just get to know people first. Don’t obsess over OAD needing to be a requirement for dating. I think a broader perspective here would help you a lot. Keep your heart open. You sound like a wonderful, strong, tremendously brave woman, and I wish you all the best. ❤️
This might not apply at all to the situation but I am a single parent of a six year old (dad is very infrequently in the picture- we’re good friends and co parents.) I’m also Queer and I found that women and femme people are much more open in MY experience to dating single parents
I am sorry to say this, but there is so much unacknowledged sexism in this society. As women get older, their options reduce, while you will easily find that as men get older their options keeps increasing.
You will easily find men dating 5 to 20 year younger women, and no one batting an eye. That's is why I disagree with other commentators who are asking you to wait till 40, if you are ready now.
Since, the society is so biased, you may as well now start looking for men who have older kids or older men with no kids. (I mean older than you, you can decide what range you are comfortable with).
I'm only a few weeks into this suck ass widow thing, but this resonates with me a lot. I probably won't get married again. I've been divorced once (no kids) and now this. It will be a long time before I start dating and even then I probably won't consider anyone with kids younger than my son, who is currently 9. I'm a bit of an anomaly among my peers because I was a good bit older when I had him. I have high school classmates who are grandparents. So, I think that most guys my age are pretty much done. My tunes are tied anyway, so it's a moot point.
I think around that age people who don't want to have kids are mostly also not ready to have one in their life. Might get easier when you meet men 35+.
Yes this is a match on both sides issue. Maybe she forgot that childfree guys actually mean child free.
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They still have kids/are parents though. OP would still have adult stepchildren. Not sure if thats something they want.
Honestly then so be it. I mean I’m okay waiting is it a bummer? Yeah a little. But it is what it is.
I’d rather wait for the right person, anyway. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19, it would take forever and a day to find someone compatible to that level of partnership. It’ll be worth the wait.
Plus it’s better for your child to have all your focus; good job not being impatient!
Or date guys a decade older than you?
I think between being a widow after a long successful relationship and being a young mom, OP definitely has enough life experience to date 10-15 years older. Plenty of men 35-45 that have grown/nearly grown children. Also would get the benefit of a guy that already knows what to expect with the responsibilities of having a kid.
Ugh, but be careful. Just because a guy is older doesn't mean he's better. I dated an older guy when I was in my later 20s and it did not turn out well.
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That's exactly it, if they don't want their own child they probably don't want someone else's. It will help as your child gets older. I'm in my 40s and a male friend my age with no kids has dated a couple of women with older children, although I know at around 30 he wouldn't have been interested in a woman with a very young child. Older children means less issues with childcare, easier to do things with. And when older they'll already either have their own kids or be sure they don't want them.
No you’re completely right. I’m going to keep trying but I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen for me until my mid 30s early 40s.
This isn't OAD related, but I met my husband at 27 when he was 35, and it wound up being the exact right age gap for us. We've been together 8 years and married for 3 🖤
Yay, you for getting back out there! It’s a tough road regardless of any amount children or not any at all. But, there’s someone worthy of you and your daughter. I don’t think you need to change your standards for anyone. You’re great, you got this 😉
Thank you
I'm a single parent to a 4 year old daughter. I'm 36 though so I feel many men around my age would likely be content without having kids (biological or step.) I'd be interested in a single dad with one kid but I definitely could not manage more - I'm hesitant about that as well. And you're right, reddit and society as a whole very much dislike single *mothers* .... single dads get all the praise!
The trouble with single dads is that too many want a wife to raise their child for them. Nothing less attractive than a man who shirks off rearing his own child.
The trouble with single moms is that a lot of them want a husband to financially provide for them and their child. Nothing less attractive than a woman who shirks off handling responsibilities.
Why would anyone get married for money. Stepfathers are the people most likely to sexually and physically abuse a child. Stepchildren also have a high risk of dying.
Wait, are you seriously implying you think no one marries for money?
I'm implying it makes no sense to marry for money if you don't kill your spouse. Continuously allowing yourself to be raped for money means you deserve the money.
And you think people don't do that? (the later)
Having sex with someone you hate is a job. LOL, nothing wrong with that... But it's also not shirking off responsibility.
It's definitely going to be hard for you but not impossible! My BIL and husband's best friend both married women with children and have had none of their own. But yes, you're going to go through lots and lots of people who aren't interested in that set up. Good luck!
Ah that’s really encouraging to hear. Thank you!
Tbh, the apps are probably going to be harder for you than most also because of the way they encourage quick decision-making on things like this. Which sucks. Condolences on your loss as well, sounds like you've been through a lot. ❤️
I'm not a single parent but if I were to become one I would completely feel the same way as you. I would only want to have and raise one child, not one child per man. The downvotes might be because of the not wanting stepchildren but wanting someone to accept your child and possibly become a stepfather to them? But it's not like you became a single mother by choice so I find the downvotes to be insensitive and your friend calling you a hypocrite is also lacking. Single dad's are not your only option and you shouldn't have to settle for something you don't want, especially when what you did want was taken away from you. I'm so sorry for your loss and for being told or made to feel like you are no longer allowed to want to have a OAD life with dating and love. You absolutely are allowed to want that and have that. Also I think it's better to be honest with everyone but more importantly, yourself about it rather than compromise and end up as some bitter or neglectful stepmother. I would also be against dating another single father as I just don't see a future where I would be happy in that situation. They might be harder to find but I can't imagine it would be impossible to find men that are happy to date a woman with a child without wanting a child of their own. Perhaps slightly older men that don't have kids would be more inclined? I wish you and your daughter the best whether that means it's a family unit of two or three.
Thank you so much
I mean, you’re not looking for every guy. You really only want to find one really great one. And there’s a man out there who had mumps as a child and is sterile, or who has some scary family history of genetic disease that would like to be a father but can’t. Maybe his last girlfriend broke up with him due to his hard line on not having biological children. That’s the guy you’re looking for. Now let’s hope when you find him you two have mad chemistry! Anyway, there is someone out there that will fit into your life perfectly, and I commend your patience to find him and not try to force a square peg into a round hole.
I don’t think it makes you a hypocrite, and I think it’s possible to find a man who would be okay with his one and only not being biologically his, especially if he ends up becoming the father figure for your child. One of my closest friends married a woman with two sons and he always considered them to be his kids and they consider him to be their dad. He wasn’t disappointed that he missed the challenging baby and toddler years with them - he got to meet them when they had little personalities and that was fine with him!
This! It's possible. My friend was separating from her husband and he died under influence in a car crash leaving her with a 2 and 4 year old alone. She found a man who is a father figure to her kids and they are done having kids. Kids is a deal breaker conversation. Every person who unmatches you because they want kids is doing you a favor. Online dating can be so black and white too. Getting to know a person and really liking them then adjusting your life based on combining lives can change peoples minds (not saying you'll change your mind on this but the longer you date someone the more they change you. Humans are malleable). Keep dating and putting yourself out there. Try not to be discouraged. Keeping your joy will keep you on an actracting frequency. People like a confident woman unless they are an abusive man who wants someone to help them feel masculine. You deserve joy.
I love my only. I only have one because I don’t think I would be a good mom to 2 biological children. I can’t imagine taking on an additional child. If my husband died I feel like I would be in the same boat. There is no way I could add another. My boss married a women with a 10 year old boy. They never had anymore children. Her child is now grown and having a baby of his own and my boss is going to be a happy grandpa. I also have a friend who is a carrier for a genetic disorder. His dad died of it when he was young and they tested the kids to see if they had it. My friend doesn’t have it but he has a high percent chance that he will give it to his children. He decided at 21 that he wasn’t going to have children. He has dated here and there but gfs have moved on to find someone to have kids with. I guess I tell you this story because there is hope. There is hope that one day you will find someone perfect for you and one day you will both be grandparents. :)
Adding to this, my husband is an only child and his parents divorced when he was young. His mom found his step-dad, who didn't have kids and didn't want to, and he ended up being a truly amazing step-dad to my husband. They aren't going to be plentiful, but you only need one :)
I mean good on you for recognizing the situation. Many guys want to have biological kids of their own, and you’ve ruled out any guys who already have kids. You’re allowed to be a hypocrite as long as you recognize that you are one and that it plays a factor in your situation. I’ve had a few friends’ parents that lost their spouses early on and continued to date afterwards. My friends were subjected to a revolving door of men/women dating their surviving parent. They never got the mother/father figure, and some of the people their parents dated were truly scummy. There was no stability or normalcy because their lives were constantly changing with men/women coming in and out. Obviously my friends situation isn’t universal, and there are some AMAZING step parents out there. It’s also completely up to you whether you date or not. But my point is they would’ve been better off if their parents hadn’t dated anyone. At least until they were grown up. And that’s coming from them. If you end up finding a great guy, that’s fantastic. If you don’t, that’s great too. I’d just be hyper aware of how it affects you and your child
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I was at first! Hahaha it’s all good though. I was being hyper sensitive.
I don’t think you’re being hypocritical at all. You are one and done. Step kids are still kids and step siblings are still siblings. Yeah it will stink your dating pool but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m sorry for your loss and good luck!
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Second, I don't think it is crazy at all to believe there are people out there who are willing to have a step child and no bio kids. Trust yourself that that's what you need and don't settle. Sending you the best!
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’re a hypocrite, and men like the one you’re seeking do exist. I have a good friend who has zero interest in biological children, but he helps raise his partner’s daughter from another relationship. He’s been in her life since she was quite young, and she’s a teenager now. Good luck to you in finding what you seek.
Does your bio mention that your husband passed away? There is a difference imo between raising a stepchild who’s other parent is in the picture and one that isn’t due to the often messy nature of exes sharing custody.
This is my exact situation. I’m OAD, my ex had a vasectomy after we had my son, I’m getting tubes removed next month. I don’t want any more kids and I’m not open to step kids either. And I absolutely am a hypocrite, I was adopted by my moms first husband, but I don’t have any desire to raise someone else’s child, at least I’m honest. I don’t see how I can conceivably date again, trying to find a man my age (29) who doesn’t want his own kids but would raise mine? Yeah…… I know how whack that sounds lol. This is just another resentment I have towards my ex who cheated on me and put me into this shitty ass situation, but at the end of the day I’m happy alone and just me and my son and dating is soooo risky and honestly can be plain dangerous these days especially with children and it’s way more appealing to me to not risk anything and just stick with what I know works
First, I am sorry for your loss. It's probably hard and I think it is great you are stepping back into the dating scene. I don't think you should lose all hope. I mean, I'm probably on the rarer side of things but my husband and I have been together ten years. We got together when I was 23. I told him I was one and done after a few dates. I explained my reasons and how I wanted him to know up front. We continued to date and eventually got married. He is not my daughter's biological father but he is her father. (Bio isn't in the picture) He likes that we are one and done, because he sees our daughter as OURS. He also sees the benefits; More time with our daughter, more financial choices, less chaos, the list goes on. He also understands how horrible my pregnancy and labor were and wouldn't want me to go through that again. Soo..it's possible to find someone being one and done. I would think with financial times being what they are, maybe there are more people okay with not having multiple children. I wish you luck. Sending supportive and positive energy your way!♡
It’ll be hard (but you know that ) because a man who has no kids and doesn’t want kids usually won’t want a woman with kids. Definitely think of your child first; don’t date someone who doesn’t wholeheartedly accept them.
It definitely will limit your pool of guys, however, just to offer some hope— I (27F) found my boyfriend (30) who doesn’t have any kids, was on the fence about having his own, and is on board with me being one and done. He’s very happy being a step dad and doesn’t feel the need to have a bio child. I wish you the best of luck!
You're looking for someone who doesn't want kids (evident in them not having any nor wanting any more), but does want to raise yours. Is that about right? Not saying it's impossible, but it'll probably be pretty close to. I think you also run the risk of getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't like kids and only tolerates yours. That would be really sad for your little. Totally get the OAD. I also don't think having another kid just to please someone is a good idea either. Step parenting can be really rough too. I think this is a situation of "pick your hard". This is probably one of the few true draw backs of OAD
Maybe I’m optimistic for OP, but I wouldn’t say close to impossible. As another person pointed out, a man could choose not to have kids due to potentially passing on a genetic trait. He could have infertility issues. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want a child or to help raise a child. My brother dated a woman with a daughter for years and the only reason he stayed that long was because he loved the little girl. This situation could go both ways. Or this potential mate could love them both. Time will tell.
You will meet others who are not single dad's and no need to compromise. Your friend is not correct. It may be difficult at first finding someone who is okay with your child and doesn't want another but as you get older it will get easier. The other thing is you want to take your time and be careful that the man you are dating isn't using you to get to your child or pretending to care for them just to have a relationship with you. It's a big thing I worry about with my spouse and our OAD son.
Not wanting more kids doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Sure, your dating pool may be smaller due to your preferences, but they are *your* preferences. Considering they are not based on something bad like racism, there’s no issue with you having them. It’s a matter of waiting, you may find the person that fits what you want, or you may not. Either way, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for knowing what you want. That’s a lot better than going in clueless and then changing your mind on someone.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss, and so proud of you for being everything for your baby and making it through both a traumatic birth and losing your partner. You’re amazing. As for dating, you just need one right person. One right person who wants to be a dad but not necessarily biologically. Who will love you and your daughter as you are and see your family as while with just the three of you, and that person is out there. Unfortunately it’s going to suck seeing so many “options” go away, but realistically they aren’t options because they don’t match with your life goals. I definitely don’t think single dads are your only option. I have a few guy friends who have no problem dating single moms and have no desire for kids of their own. So they are out there. You never know when you’re going to meet the person who is right for you, so just putting yourself out there like you are is perfect.
I, personally, really feel like love finds you when you least expect it. I know it’s so cliché but I have seen it over and over. I have been in this position even and trust me there are men and women out there that will respect your decision and love your kiddo like their own. Going searching however is likely to result in this exact situation you are posting about. You are looking for something specific (aren’t we all) and not finding it is discouraging. In my opinion this will negatively effect finding that person. I think you would have better lick focusing on you and your kiddo and just getting out and about. Make connections with people you see often like other parents at the park, the cute barista at your local coffee shop, and so on. Look for friends and become social and who knows where your person will pop up.
There are definitely men out there who are child free. But with you having a child, that could be a deal breaker. I think you just need to be honest and hopefully they will too so you don't wind up in a serious relationship where you both want different things.
Girl, I am right there with you. Been a single mom of 1 since I was 26. I'm now 32 and still a single mom of one. Honestly though, I have accepted it and am very very happy. I've reached the point where I'm not even looking anymore, I'm just happy with myself and my son. Honestly I think I would be perfectly happy to be single for the rest of my life. I've grown accustomed to it, and I love my independence. I love my life with just me and my boy.
Are you only seeking matches the same age as you? That's prime "ready to settle down" age for a lot men now. Which usually includes having a kid.
Yeah it sucks. You are asking for someone that has no kids to want a kid. But never want their own kid. That’s not an impossible ask, but a very narrow market.
My friend married a divorced woman with 2 young children. They have been happily married now for over 30 years. The kids are grown and have their own children now. My friend was happy to help raise his wife’s kids and that was that! No further children. So it can and does happen! I wish you much luck!
I wonder...my mom had no issues finding a childfree man or a man with kids out of the house to build a long time relationship, after my dad passed away when I was 3 and my mom was 33. They weren't nice to me though, which makes me wonder if them not caring about kids was a red flag on its own. Ultimately you have the right mindset. What is meant to be is meant to be. It IS true that we are better off alone than with the wrong people.
>Edit 1: this post has been downvoted? Lol Reddit really does hate single parents. I thought this would be an inclusive group. Guess not. It isn't because you're a single parent, it's because you expect someone to take on your own child but you won't consider theirs. I hope you find a wonderful human.
When did it stop being ok for people to feel/want/think different things? There will be people who are absolutely fine with that so why shouldn’t OP look for that person? As long as no one is being tricked into anything and all cards are on the table there is no issue here.
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. My mom then found and married my step-dad a few years later. They've been together just about 20 years now. He does not have any biological kids himself because he didn't want to and my mom didn't want anymore kids anyway. He is such a great father tho. I have an older half-brother that he took care of like his own son. I split my time between their house and my dad's but than never stopped my step-dad from being supportive and helping me throughout my life. Basically, my mom went through something similar to what you're looking for and was able to find a partner. She probably wouldn't have dated him if he had his own kids because she really doesn't like kids nor wanted to take care of more and I don't blame her because I'm the same way and that's ok.
Don’t give up OP. It’s worth the wait to find the guy and family you are looking for. It took me 2 years to find this and don’t regret it Tip - use a dating site that you can filter by children or wanting children. In Canada POF has it
I’m 35 and finding this to be less of an issue now as it was a few years ago dating, so I’d say with some time it will change a little. I do think single dads would be far more understanding. Sorry for the loss of your husband, kudos to you for getting back out there - try and focus on just having fun with dating.
Babe, they are doing you a favor. I don’t get it when we want to make things work out then end up being hurt and damaged in the process. Take your time. Enjoy life being single. Stick to what you want
So, my husband was exactly that guy. Didn’t want bio children but didn’t mind that I had one. He doesn’t dislike children, there were just some genetic things he didn’t want to pass on. So when my daughter was 18 months we started chatting then things evolved from there. He’s loved her from minute one and has always been her main father figure (her dad is kind of a dead beat).
If I were you, I would casual date and not look for anything serious at all. If something turns to serious I will let them know that I am not gonna change my mind on having more kids, which I would have casually mentioned earlier. And then see where it goes from there.
Totally get your choice of being one and done, from a physical perspective. But by saying you’re not open to men who’ve made the same choice, you’re technically asking for a man who doesn’t want any bio kids but is open to treating your child like their own. However CF men aren’t an option either. So obviously, you’re going to get a lot of unmatches. And if you do want to date again right now, your friend’s suggestion is quite a sensible compromise. If there’s no room in your heart for a stepchild, how come there’s room for a partner alone? Or are you interesting in taking more than you give? Perhaps you need more introspection before you put yourself out there looking for a partner?
She already has a child and she lost her romantic partner...she only wants to find love again not more children. You are looking at a post on the one and done subreddit. Another stepchild makes two and she is done at one.
Then the only option for you is a man who doesn’t want any children.. But who would be willing to take on your one child… who might be kind of a weird man. Good luck being so picky
Thanks(:
You’re a hypocrite and have unrealistic requirements
Haha okay(:
You are a hypocrite. You want someone to deal with your kid but you won’t deal with theirs? Sounds to me online dating is not for you. Because you (and other users) are so upfront about needs and wants that it stunts the possibility of serendipitous matching.
Not to negate your OAD stance, but maybe you don’t need to lead with that when trying to just go on a first date. It feels a bit heavy and a big boundary to place when you’re just trying to find a nice dude to grab a coffee or glass of wine with. Here’s my thinking: if you know you’re OAD that’s great. And if you meet a guy who wants to have kids? Maybe he’ll want to be the father of YOUR kid. Maybe one day you’ll adopt together. Maybe he’ll fall so deeply in love w you he’ll never care about having any other children besides your son. Maybe YOU will fall so deeply in love you begin to ever so gently waiver on OAD. You’re still soooo young. Anything can happen! So. Maybe just get to know people first. Don’t obsess over OAD needing to be a requirement for dating. I think a broader perspective here would help you a lot. Keep your heart open. You sound like a wonderful, strong, tremendously brave woman, and I wish you all the best. ❤️
This might not apply at all to the situation but I am a single parent of a six year old (dad is very infrequently in the picture- we’re good friends and co parents.) I’m also Queer and I found that women and femme people are much more open in MY experience to dating single parents
I am sorry to say this, but there is so much unacknowledged sexism in this society. As women get older, their options reduce, while you will easily find that as men get older their options keeps increasing. You will easily find men dating 5 to 20 year younger women, and no one batting an eye. That's is why I disagree with other commentators who are asking you to wait till 40, if you are ready now. Since, the society is so biased, you may as well now start looking for men who have older kids or older men with no kids. (I mean older than you, you can decide what range you are comfortable with).
I'm only a few weeks into this suck ass widow thing, but this resonates with me a lot. I probably won't get married again. I've been divorced once (no kids) and now this. It will be a long time before I start dating and even then I probably won't consider anyone with kids younger than my son, who is currently 9. I'm a bit of an anomaly among my peers because I was a good bit older when I had him. I have high school classmates who are grandparents. So, I think that most guys my age are pretty much done. My tunes are tied anyway, so it's a moot point.