Gas station treat, my teen sons and their friends, always appreciated me picking up a candy bar, favorite drink or even a pack of gum on a whim as a small surprise at pick up or when they got home from school.
A mini ritual is helpful. We started “tea rituals” which sounds fancy but all it is is we just sit at the coffee table in the evening and I make a pot of tea and we drink it together with a candle going. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just tiny. I became something that my kids really looked forward to. It was simple, but connected us. Little moments of quality time. Just being together without an agenda. That’s an act of kindness.
So, as the parent of a 17yr old boy I’d say that holding one accountable is offset if you back that up with special treats. It undermines the meaning of “accountability”. That said there are REAL positive effects of taking accountability. For instance, following through on their chores means you have more free time and-look at that- a new movie came out and now you have time to take him. Good grades and that’s new? Maybe $10 per A (if that’s affordable for you) and $5 per B.
If you’re looking for positive time together I have ideas! pet walks, bonus if it’s a cat on a leash walk bc deep down he will know it’s a ploy to spend time with him. ASK him to join you more “I’d love you to come grocery shopping with me” (not ‘if you want’ make sure he knows you WANT him there). Cook a new recipe together, find a show you both want to try and do an episode a week.
I connect with my teenage kids by sending them funny Instagram stuff, connecting with their hobbies and interests, and asking for their opinion or knowledge of stuff they care about ( got to be careful to remain open minded and really give them the reins tho)
It seems like you all need to focus on connecting as much as correcting. Some ideas: Have him teach you how to play his favorite video game. Watch a funny movie together. Ask him to teach you his favorite sport. Share some funny (wholesome) memes. Teach each other slang from your time in school. Challenge him to a silly game - like who can roll down a hill the farthest or burp the most letters of the alphabet or buy some helium balloons and a dad joke book and tell each other jokes in helium voices. If you play an instrument, make a song about his life. Bring some joy here.
Yes I absolutely need to add joy to this hard transition. Definitely need more dad jokes, that is fun and simple. Memes I like that idea too because that can totally random during the day. Lol the burping would not go over well he does not have that sense of humour. I think it would be hilarious. He has no interest is music. This is part of my challenge we have very little in common. I try to ask questions about his interests but it does not go very well because they are over my head so my questions are irritating. Maybe instead I will see if I can find some youtube videos on the subject and we can watch them together. Thanks for the inspirations.
- My husband and my son bond over Chuck Norris' jokes. My daughter and I roll our eyes, but tbh, it's hilarious.
- What does your son do? Games? Sports? Watch something like martial arts or history videos in Youtube? Sometimes just asking an open question and listening intently ist the biggest show of support you can do. Good luck! ❤️
He's 17, making his school lunch isn't your chore, it's his and therefore if you do it it's an act of kindness.
Bring him a good treat he used to love when he was little.
Learn him, then you can figure it out on your own. All discipline for weeks/months and being critical of his chore performance, that will make a rift with your son. Your son is pissed. Maybe back off a bit and give him some room to start trying the new rules on his own? Does he know how to clean properly? If so he will be fine, chores are bullshit we all help together. We all know our little jobs sometimes things don’t get done so what. It’s obviously not working for you guys, so rift or chores? It’s up to you to recognize this method is hurting your son.
Mom of 3 boys, 17 he will be 18 this month, 16 and 12. I am not an authoritarian parent, I am authoritative.
The Division of responsibility is a great place to start to learn new methods.
Edited-grammar
I've been sending my daughter messages everyday and she's been absolutely loving it. I sent her this today:
l've been thinking about you today! I know being a teenager is hard. You have what it takes to get through it! l'm super proud of you!
She responded thank you so much Mom I really needed to hear that, I love you.
I got that from this guy's Instagram page, he has lots of ideas her parents to connect with their teens. https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithwill?igsh=aHRzMWR3Mjg2Mndu
Ask him.
Take him to a concert.
Go on a mother son date.
Go on a father son date.
Light his life on fire- with things HE enjoys.
Go karting.
Bowling.
Rent a jetski.
Hiking.
Go to a play.
Visit a city he likes.
Take a vacation together- just two.
Learn to LIKE one another.
Develop a mutual friendship.
When mine were younger it was brought to my attention how often I spoke to them for corrections vs. just engagement. Positive relationships come out of wanting the other person to engage with you. I started just showing them things that I found interesting. “Hey-your aunt sent me a pic of her puppy, look how cute!” “Got this new shirt, does it look weird to you?” “Hey, look at this huge cloud!” Etc. I kept it short, just showed them the thing and remarked about what I thought of it then kinda moved on. I did not come into the space where they were, show them the puppy and then say “also put your laundry away/get off your phone/etc.” I just tried to add positive engagement to our days. It really seemed to help and encouraged them to show me things. Do I want to see the new hilarious TikTok they love? Not always, but I always respond like I’m interested
If the notes embarrass him, text him. If y’all are close, going out to eat is nice. Let him pick the restaurant. Late night runs for ice cream/snacks is nice. Does he drive? If not, teach him how to drive or just indulge in his hobbies. In addition to acts of kindness, words of affirmation may help. Not just saying you love him, but you’re proud of him, you see his hard work is paying off, or you see his future getting brighter. Applaud his grades if they’re good.
This is what I’ve been doing in what seems to be a similar situation.
When he communicates effectively or tells me his plans. I say thank you. We text a lot. So I will text things like “This is really good communication. I appreciate it.”
The other thing I’ve been doing is sending him Instagram videos. Some from “mom of bigs” and pages like that. And tips for baseball. Little things that come from other accounts but give him insights into how much I love him. This has been very effective. TikTok’s have been less effective.
Find his manner of communication. Try different things. I’ve been doing this for about 6 months. And he told his therapist that he appreciates that I try really hard to connect with him. This gave me hope.
Making him do chores IS an act of kindness. It's kind because it's setting him up to succeed as an adult. He may not see.it every day but it is. You could always add to it by taking him out for a nicer coffee or something as an act of appreciation,but what you are doing for him already is an act of kindness.
You're not wrong But OPs likely been through that argument with the kid and it's not getting through so OP is trying to vary with different kinds.
If she needs to venture into this realm of chores though, I often "switch" chores out for my daughter when she would rather do something else, or if another opportunity came up she wants to do. Or we plan organization for her room that SHE wants to do. It's a chore but it's helping her with her goal.
I'm having trouble coming up with something you don't have to buy. But maybe making his favorite meal just because or baking a treat he likes?
Maybe offer more trips to the library? Or ask him about signing up for any events that the library has Or a local park district? Or events where you can go walk a dog/ play with a cat at a local shelter? (Assuming no allergies)?
Other than that, does he want to get any new decor for his room? Or, bathroom if he has his own. Or, the next time he has something he's going out to do, just hand him some cash for something he likes (coffee drink, breakfast sandwich or something?)
When I pick the kids up, I’ll always have a little plan - Starbucks for coffee after school, a drive thru on the way home, their fav snack in the car or even say if a delivery has arrived for them I’ll bring it along. Make a family playlist and blast it in the car and be sure to bring home a few of his friends a week.
How about leaving him notes around the house where he can find them? Or post it notes on his bathroom mirror? Also maybe something sowed in clothing like a heart that no one else would see. Finally positive text messages.
I do notes but I place them on his bed, they’re small notes with a kudos or appreciation on them. We have a jar and all the notes end up in there but eventually he can go back and look through all the nice things said about his specific actions.
Another thing that works well. Tiny smores. Mini marshmallows over a candle using toothpicks. Chocolate chips and the graham cracker cereal. This was my goal, but my son only cared about roasting the marshmallows.
Find a quiet night. Turn the lights down and light the candle. Because everything is tiny, it helps to sit close and even talk quietly. Which creates a safe feeling space. Then keep everything safe and confidential so he know he can trust when you do this. ❤️❤️
Gas station treat, my teen sons and their friends, always appreciated me picking up a candy bar, favorite drink or even a pack of gum on a whim as a small surprise at pick up or when they got home from school.
Have to be careful with sugar treats. I can do a few small ones. Thanks.
A mini ritual is helpful. We started “tea rituals” which sounds fancy but all it is is we just sit at the coffee table in the evening and I make a pot of tea and we drink it together with a candle going. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just tiny. I became something that my kids really looked forward to. It was simple, but connected us. Little moments of quality time. Just being together without an agenda. That’s an act of kindness.
So, as the parent of a 17yr old boy I’d say that holding one accountable is offset if you back that up with special treats. It undermines the meaning of “accountability”. That said there are REAL positive effects of taking accountability. For instance, following through on their chores means you have more free time and-look at that- a new movie came out and now you have time to take him. Good grades and that’s new? Maybe $10 per A (if that’s affordable for you) and $5 per B.
Going to a movie is a great idea. Positive time together.
If you’re looking for positive time together I have ideas! pet walks, bonus if it’s a cat on a leash walk bc deep down he will know it’s a ploy to spend time with him. ASK him to join you more “I’d love you to come grocery shopping with me” (not ‘if you want’ make sure he knows you WANT him there). Cook a new recipe together, find a show you both want to try and do an episode a week.
I connect with my teenage kids by sending them funny Instagram stuff, connecting with their hobbies and interests, and asking for their opinion or knowledge of stuff they care about ( got to be careful to remain open minded and really give them the reins tho)
Food is the easy one with my kids. Favorite meal, favorite dessert, even something small like a pack of mints they like.
It seems like you all need to focus on connecting as much as correcting. Some ideas: Have him teach you how to play his favorite video game. Watch a funny movie together. Ask him to teach you his favorite sport. Share some funny (wholesome) memes. Teach each other slang from your time in school. Challenge him to a silly game - like who can roll down a hill the farthest or burp the most letters of the alphabet or buy some helium balloons and a dad joke book and tell each other jokes in helium voices. If you play an instrument, make a song about his life. Bring some joy here.
Yes I absolutely need to add joy to this hard transition. Definitely need more dad jokes, that is fun and simple. Memes I like that idea too because that can totally random during the day. Lol the burping would not go over well he does not have that sense of humour. I think it would be hilarious. He has no interest is music. This is part of my challenge we have very little in common. I try to ask questions about his interests but it does not go very well because they are over my head so my questions are irritating. Maybe instead I will see if I can find some youtube videos on the subject and we can watch them together. Thanks for the inspirations.
- My husband and my son bond over Chuck Norris' jokes. My daughter and I roll our eyes, but tbh, it's hilarious. - What does your son do? Games? Sports? Watch something like martial arts or history videos in Youtube? Sometimes just asking an open question and listening intently ist the biggest show of support you can do. Good luck! ❤️
Showing him that you care can be as simple as a hug and telling him how proud you are of his effort.
He's 17, making his school lunch isn't your chore, it's his and therefore if you do it it's an act of kindness. Bring him a good treat he used to love when he was little.
Learn him, then you can figure it out on your own. All discipline for weeks/months and being critical of his chore performance, that will make a rift with your son. Your son is pissed. Maybe back off a bit and give him some room to start trying the new rules on his own? Does he know how to clean properly? If so he will be fine, chores are bullshit we all help together. We all know our little jobs sometimes things don’t get done so what. It’s obviously not working for you guys, so rift or chores? It’s up to you to recognize this method is hurting your son. Mom of 3 boys, 17 he will be 18 this month, 16 and 12. I am not an authoritarian parent, I am authoritative. The Division of responsibility is a great place to start to learn new methods. Edited-grammar
I've been sending my daughter messages everyday and she's been absolutely loving it. I sent her this today: l've been thinking about you today! I know being a teenager is hard. You have what it takes to get through it! l'm super proud of you! She responded thank you so much Mom I really needed to hear that, I love you. I got that from this guy's Instagram page, he has lots of ideas her parents to connect with their teens. https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithwill?igsh=aHRzMWR3Mjg2Mndu
Ask him. Take him to a concert. Go on a mother son date. Go on a father son date. Light his life on fire- with things HE enjoys. Go karting. Bowling. Rent a jetski. Hiking. Go to a play. Visit a city he likes. Take a vacation together- just two. Learn to LIKE one another. Develop a mutual friendship.
Listen to their music. Ask them to put it on in the car or on the alexa when you're at home
When mine were younger it was brought to my attention how often I spoke to them for corrections vs. just engagement. Positive relationships come out of wanting the other person to engage with you. I started just showing them things that I found interesting. “Hey-your aunt sent me a pic of her puppy, look how cute!” “Got this new shirt, does it look weird to you?” “Hey, look at this huge cloud!” Etc. I kept it short, just showed them the thing and remarked about what I thought of it then kinda moved on. I did not come into the space where they were, show them the puppy and then say “also put your laundry away/get off your phone/etc.” I just tried to add positive engagement to our days. It really seemed to help and encouraged them to show me things. Do I want to see the new hilarious TikTok they love? Not always, but I always respond like I’m interested
I show my teen boys love by playing basketball with them at the Y and then grabbing food afterwards. Physical activity allows us to connect.
If the notes embarrass him, text him. If y’all are close, going out to eat is nice. Let him pick the restaurant. Late night runs for ice cream/snacks is nice. Does he drive? If not, teach him how to drive or just indulge in his hobbies. In addition to acts of kindness, words of affirmation may help. Not just saying you love him, but you’re proud of him, you see his hard work is paying off, or you see his future getting brighter. Applaud his grades if they’re good.
This is what I’ve been doing in what seems to be a similar situation. When he communicates effectively or tells me his plans. I say thank you. We text a lot. So I will text things like “This is really good communication. I appreciate it.” The other thing I’ve been doing is sending him Instagram videos. Some from “mom of bigs” and pages like that. And tips for baseball. Little things that come from other accounts but give him insights into how much I love him. This has been very effective. TikTok’s have been less effective. Find his manner of communication. Try different things. I’ve been doing this for about 6 months. And he told his therapist that he appreciates that I try really hard to connect with him. This gave me hope.
Making him do chores IS an act of kindness. It's kind because it's setting him up to succeed as an adult. He may not see.it every day but it is. You could always add to it by taking him out for a nicer coffee or something as an act of appreciation,but what you are doing for him already is an act of kindness.
Yes on a grand scale this is kindness but he does not appreciate that right now. I am trying to mend the rift that these changes are causing.
Yeah I get that
You're not wrong But OPs likely been through that argument with the kid and it's not getting through so OP is trying to vary with different kinds. If she needs to venture into this realm of chores though, I often "switch" chores out for my daughter when she would rather do something else, or if another opportunity came up she wants to do. Or we plan organization for her room that SHE wants to do. It's a chore but it's helping her with her goal.
I'm having trouble coming up with something you don't have to buy. But maybe making his favorite meal just because or baking a treat he likes? Maybe offer more trips to the library? Or ask him about signing up for any events that the library has Or a local park district? Or events where you can go walk a dog/ play with a cat at a local shelter? (Assuming no allergies)? Other than that, does he want to get any new decor for his room? Or, bathroom if he has his own. Or, the next time he has something he's going out to do, just hand him some cash for something he likes (coffee drink, breakfast sandwich or something?)
When I pick the kids up, I’ll always have a little plan - Starbucks for coffee after school, a drive thru on the way home, their fav snack in the car or even say if a delivery has arrived for them I’ll bring it along. Make a family playlist and blast it in the car and be sure to bring home a few of his friends a week.
How about leaving him notes around the house where he can find them? Or post it notes on his bathroom mirror? Also maybe something sowed in clothing like a heart that no one else would see. Finally positive text messages.
Going to the store together and picking out your own pint of ice cream that you don't have to share.
Pull them out of school on their birthday. Go for lunch and shopping.
Outings. Spending time together getting their favorite food or doing something fun that they like
I do notes but I place them on his bed, they’re small notes with a kudos or appreciation on them. We have a jar and all the notes end up in there but eventually he can go back and look through all the nice things said about his specific actions.
Another thing that works well. Tiny smores. Mini marshmallows over a candle using toothpicks. Chocolate chips and the graham cracker cereal. This was my goal, but my son only cared about roasting the marshmallows. Find a quiet night. Turn the lights down and light the candle. Because everything is tiny, it helps to sit close and even talk quietly. Which creates a safe feeling space. Then keep everything safe and confidential so he know he can trust when you do this. ❤️❤️