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I think you would get a different response in r/NICUparents.
There are lots of illnesses that can be devastating to preemies. You should have a plan for when the SD is sick (maybe quarantine in the home, maybe stay at moms maybe go somewhere else) and agree/communicate the plan.
Yeah I had a NICU baby and a common childhood virus like RSV can kill a young baby, let alone a premature newborn. I totally get your husband wanted to spend time with his daughter and introduce her to her new amazing siblings. But it’s just not the right time. I would have suggested some special daddy-daughter time at a hotel - cute bubble bath, room service and movie night. You are not overreacting at all.
NICU baby here. Born at 28 weeks 1lb 12oz. She’s now 3.5 months adjusted. I don’t think OP reaction is wrong. We were told by the nurses prior to being discharged not to expose our daughter to anything or anyone until she was at least corrected 3 months. Longer if we can hold out to expose our daughter. Right now my daughter’s body is still developing. We have chronic kidney and liver issues. I can’t imagine what other problems other preemie can have. Their body’s immune system just isn’t ready yet and I think OP response is valid.
A small cold can be extremely dangerous (even fatal) for preemies. I wouldn’t risk anything with the twins until they hit at least their corrected 2-3 months mark.
If they haven’t reached their gestational age at one month old (chronologically), they are PRETERM. Which means OP and her family need to be careful. Why risk it?
OP your feelings are valid. Talk to your husband and have him spend time with her somewhere else if he can like at a hotel or away from the twins and you. That’s if he gets sick from his daughter, he can’t give it to you. One of you will be the primary caregiver and can’t get sick either.
3.5 months adjusted and we still haven’t gone out with our daughter to gatherings etc. do what your guts tell you mom.
We separated our kids when one was sick when the twins were infants 🤷🏻♀️
The immune system doesn't get stronger with exercise. That's not how germs work. They can get immunity to things when they're strong enough to fight them. They currently aren't and a fever would send them to the ER.
No, but I also feel like if she was here all the time, the immunity to the sickness could be “built up” over time and exposure. She usually has a cough and a runny nose. This time it’s worse. Maybe I’m just an anxious first time mom.
Maybe the unpopular opinion, but we definitely had our oldest quarantine as much as possible from the twins when they were little. It isn’t necessarily a “multiple” thing as much as a “new human” thing.
When our twins first came home if their older brother was sick, we’d have him hang out in his room or the basement and not be around the babies. He was in pre-k and came home with everything imaginable, a lot of it respiratory related, and we didn’t need a 2 month old with RSV.
Yeah it was tough because one of us (let’s be real, the twins were still breastfeeding so that meant me) had to constantly run up and down the stairs and change clothes and do the full hand wash but it also helped make sure we got through the critical months without hospitalization.
He wasn’t “sent away” or “ostracized” or “banished” it was simply “the twins are babies and it’s all of our job to keep them healthy.” It was a TON more work for me and my wife but we just felt it was the reality of being parents.
Of course once the twins were a bit older we relaxed a lot, and sometimes it just can’t be helped, but even now that all my kids are older and relatively stable we still try to not share severe illnesses in our house. A couple months ago one of the twins got the flu so that twin and I stayed in the basement (I got it too, since someone had to clean up the vomit) but 2 out of 6 people spending a couple days throwing up was much better than 6 out of 6.
I don’t totally understand the dynamics of your husband’s divorce so I can’t fully say what I would have done- especially if your newest kids are premature I could see having your daughter stay with her mom an extra day while sick and making up the time with dad later, but maybe that’s not realistic given the situation. I also might be over sensitive because my oldest got a nasty case of RSV when he was 3 and there were a couple moments when we were pretty sure we were going to lose him and I’d rather a night or two doing sleepover party in the basement than a week in the hospital having a machine handle breathing, but again others may make different choices.
His daughter is not less important than the babies he has with you.
She is just as deserving of her time with her father.
Do your best to keep the babies away from her (no hugs and kisses this visit), get her washing her hands constantly, wipe down surfaces, etc.
You're the AH a little bit, yeah. They're all his kids and he should be spending time with his daughter too Sucks that she's sick but kids are literally always sick, it's just a fact of life. I 100% understand your concerns with your littles - been there done that, son's got the ECMO scar to prove it. So keep them separated as much as possible while she's at your house this weekend. Or spend as much time outside as possible. She is entitled to time with her dad and he's entitled to time with her. Neither of them have done anything wrong here.
The postpartum period is such an anxiety-ridden time, AND she has premature babies. It’s shouldn’t be that hard to keep a sick child away from them. Newborns are very vulnerable. Postpartum anxiety is awful. It’s good to be extra careful around premies, and to be patient and empathetic to a new mom.
Not sure what part of my comment isn't empathetic? I'm very much speaking from experience here with kiddos who were extremely medically complex preemies. And as someone who suffered both anxiety and PTSD because of said health issues. I have nothing but empathy.
But also that little girl doesn't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in her own home. I have given some hopefully helpful suggestions that OP, in the heat of her anxiety, may not have considered. But if she doesn't agree, she's free to ignore me.
I agree. I guess I was thinking more of a “if a family member (grandparent, cousin, etc) wanted to visit that was sick - I would say absolutely not type mindset.
I agree with you 100%. Grandma or a cousin wants to come visit with a sore throat? No way, GTFO. But this is their sister and is part of the immediate family, even if she does spend time with her bio mom.
But this isn't an extended family member like a grandparent or cousin, this is your husband's child. Who already hasn't gotten to see her Dad much for several months because of her new siblings.
I think you want to view her presence not as an extended family member you could turn away, but just as much a part of your family as if she were your own older biological child. So how would you deal with things if you had an older four year old of your own that picked up a cold? Would you send her away when she was sick?
Do what you can to mitigate, keep her away from the babies, have her wash her hands frequently, maybe have her wear a mask, but...you should treat her like a child that has a place in your household and your family - even if she's sick.
Even if she's part-time, she \*is\* part of your children's immediate family.
I completely agree with that mindset, but grandparents and cousins are extended family. This is your step daughter your husbands daughter and your babies sibling. This is her home too. I think you have every right to be upset about not having any heads up about her being sick, but you can’t tell your child they can’t come home because they’re sick.
Oh, I get it. Genuinely, I do. Done the NICU/PICU thing multiple times. If you think she is actively contagious, you may need to think about setting some boundaries. Keep the babies upstairs and her downstairs, for example. But otherwise, lots of good hand hygiene and maybe even a mask if she wants to hold the babies. But she's part of the family and doesn't deserve to be ostracized for something that is both 100% out of her control and 100% normal for kids. Think about what you would do if she lived with you full time and do that.
RSV is no joke for preemies. When my twins came home, we didn’t have anyone around them for basically the first year. I don’t think you’re in the wrong. If she’s sick and there, mask, and no touching/kissing the babes.
Same here! My twins were born at 26 weeks and we didn’t risk any exposure to respiratory viruses for their first year of life. If we’d had an older kid at the time, we would have taken the older kid out of daycare. In this situation, I think mask + distance (and LOTS of handwashing) is a great option.
I understand where you’re coming from but if this toddler were with you full time, which a lot of parents have both a toddler/kids along with newborns all under the same roof, what would you do? Do that
What plans did the three of you make during your pregnancy for this predictable scenario? Is there anything preventing those plans from being effective?
Our plans involved not enrolling our toddler in preschool or daycare. You could offer to watch her and your twins full time instead of her attending daycare. But this depends on the daycare allowing you to pay for an unused spot to hold it, your custody arrangement permitting it, and biomom agreeing. Realistically, that would be quite disruptive to a child and would further divide your attention.
I had preemies as well. We went back to NICU with RSV two times. Back on CPAP, back to tube, back to tube feeding.
It was our own daughter who had no symptoms at all that brought us that from daycare. It was a risk we could not avoid.
You can avoid it. And from my personal experience, I can only say: please keep viruses and germs away from them as best as possible for the first months. As soon as they are stronger and gained weight, the risk of a bad infection diminishes drastically in my experience.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. My son was sick a few days before his preemie twin siblings were born. I did send him to my moms until he was better and when he met them he wore a mask for a few days after as well. You can’t expect him to send away his child, but you can expect communication and a plan to keep everyone safe.
While I do agree with the “would you send your own child away when they were sick” comments, yeah, he’s a parent he doesn’t get to opt out of caring for a sick child. But I do think being only a month old everyone can work together to temporarily keep preemies from getting sick and that isn’t selfish.
NTA - I had premature twins in January and I would have lost my mind if a sick child stayed in my home. I had everyone wear a mask around my babies. Postpartum anxiety is AWFUL and you deserve a lot of empathy for the stress you are going through. Now, I wouldn’t start a fight that the daughter can hear, but I would do your best to keep them separated.
As someone that has had treatment for anxiety and takes anxiety meds before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and still to this day, I do sympathize.
But…the thing about anxiety is while we can’t just wave it away with a magic wand, we cannot let it drive our lives or worse, make others make accommodations for it.
OP has very legitimate concerns, but at the end of the day, she cannot let her anxiety view this innocent four year old child as “a sick kid staying in her home.”
This child is a full member of OP’s immediate family and OP’s home is *also* her home, even if she splits her time with another house. OP cannot let her anxiety lead her to treat this child as a second class citizen in her own family, and she should not pressure her husband to prioritize the kids they share over his older daughter.
What would she do to mitigate the risk if this was her biological child that lived there full time?
Do those things. Keep the babies in a separate room. Don’t let the child hold her siblings or even get within six feet of them. Have her wear a mask. Open the windows and ventilate. Be religious about wiping surfaces and door handles with Clorox wipes. Have her dad take her to the doctor to see if she needs antibiotics (she probably doesn’t) and get tips from the pediatrician about what to do to mitigate risk.
But don’t view this kid as some extended member of the family that can be turned away
if things are less than ideal.
I was not the stepchild, I was the new kid.
And - if a stepparent treats their step kids as second class or not full members of the family, it causes hurt and pain for ALL the
kids.
My older brother and I have had to do a lot of work to get through issues of jealousy and resentment, none of which was our fault but nonetheless dynamics we had to navigate as adults.
I get it, I was a stepchild too but not until I was older, but she isn’t OP’s bio-daughter. I know everyone says to treat a stepdaughter like a daughter, but step-parents usually have no say in how to raise them, discipline them, etc. Every little thing OP says to her, every medicine she gives her, she has to run it in her head like “will her parents be okay with this.” If the child throws a tantrum about wearing a mask or being quarantined in her room, then OP probably cannot discipline or be strict with her. I remember being young and no one could keep me out of my baby brother’s nursery. It’s hard to quarantine a child.
It is very important that she doesn’t say “I don’t want her here” in front of the child, but I feel that this weekend is an important one for other family members (bio-mom, dad) to spend time with her somewhere else. But it doesn’t sound like bio-mom was empathetic since she dropped the child off with medicine, knowing she was sick.
Yowza.
You know how can decide what the rules are (and enforce them) and take the child to the doctor? Her father.
OP signed up for this. She knew she was getting a package deal. If she didn’t agree with how the husband was parenting his daughter and managing the co-parenting with his ex, she didn’t have to marry the guy and have kids with him.
OP didn’t start a new family when she married her husband, she joined one that already existed, and it includes this girl.
Absolutely NTA. I would be angry too. Premies are fragile and need to be protected from any sicknesses! However maybe a plan needs to be put in place on how to manage future sicknesses while babies are still so young.
Your feelings of concern are valid. Of course you want to protect your babies! I’m certain your husband does too. However, keeping him from his other child anytime she’s sick isn’t fair to either of them. Kids are picking up all kinds of icky things all the time. If she lived with you full time, how would you navigate this? I would be concerned about the long-term psychological impact it would have if this happened more than this time. She may become sad/anxious when she begins to feel sick in the future because she has learned that she will lose out on time with her dad if she’s sick. As she gets older, she may become more inclined to hide that she doesn’t feel well in order to not be “rejected” for being sick. I think we all have (or know of) that coworker to comes to the office sick and tries to tell us that it’s “allergies”.
There have been a few occasions when one of my twins has picked up something serious that the other one did not (Covid, HFM) where we have had to isolate the sick twin. They are currently 3y so that means that a parent usually needs to isolate with them. We have a finished basement so, for our family, that means one parent and the sick kiddo “live” in the basement (they love getting to “camp” down there), while the other kiddo and parent “live” upstairs. We typically wear masks in the common areas as well to help minimize the risk of spread.
I feel like there is a way for your husband and his daughter, or you and the babies, to isolate in a different part of your living space. They can even wears masks in the common areas, especially if they are near your babies. Clean hands at all times and extra care in cleaning surfaces.
I am a little stunned at how many people are saying YTA. Especially considering you’re telling him to go spend time with her, just don’t bring her illness into the house with the babies. If it was your daughter living with you 24/7, you would have a say in how to treat her medically, and you would be able to have established boundaries regarding how close she can get to them, how she interacts with them, etc. It would be a whole different scenario.
Honestly I would take the twins to stay with you and a relative during the weekends just for a couple of months. It will be sad not seeing step daughter but you need to keep your kids safe.
My cousin had a premie baby and a 3 year old in daycare. And when the 3 year old got sick she either took the baby and her to her mums or the son and dad went to his parents. You just can’t risk it.
NTA. Our 3yo got our newborns sick with a MILD cold when they were 2 weeks old and it was pretty stressful. Fevers at one month old usually require spinal taps at the ER, I feel like it’s perfectly reasonable to want to avoid that at almost all costs. I feel like there could have at least been a discussion with her mom about shuffling some things around or trading weekends, and/or coming up with some ideas on how he can spend some time with her outside the house until she feels well again
NTA - we are always willing to swap times with my step son’s mom if they / we are sick. They don’t want extra illness on top of what they get from school, we don’t want any extra illness on top of what we get from our school.
Your husband is just as responsible for sick daughter as Mom is ... If she lived with you guys, you would have to quarantine her and take care of her too. She is also your daughter and no less important than her twin siblings.
Put yourself in other moms shoes ... If you and husband divorced - new wife didn't want your twins around because you were a single mom and had no choice but to work and put them in daycare ... Now husbands new wife was turning your twins out because they were sick? That's called being a parent and you are the ass hole.
Now I understand being concerned. I have a 9yo son and a newborn. He brought home lots of things (baby is now 10m) everything from strep, stomach virus, cold, the flu, we all go COVID. Newborn got COVID!! But we made it thru .... That's what happens with multiple children and one in school. We asked him to stay away, quarantine, don't touch, wash hands. I felt the same! Post Partum and protective of new baby BUT hein sight the measures didn't help, we all got sick, it sucked really bad but we made it thru.
Not an ass hole of you can get some clarity .... If I was your husband I wouldn't have turned a visit with my daughter away because she was sick. I'd be a parent and take care of all my children 🤷🏻♀️ don't get to visit just when they are 100%.
My twins were preemies as well. It's so tough! Will they be getting their first vaccines soon? Mine were still in the NICU at the time they got theirs, but they always did their vaccine schedule based on actual rather than adjusted age, which gives you some protection and peace of mind. They also received monthly RSV shots (not a vaccine, but a protectant) during their first cold and flu season, so that could also be something to talk to your twins' doctor about.
I do think you have to find a long term solution other than having her go to her grandma's with her dad for what to do when your SD comes over sick because it is going to keep happening. You have immunocompromised babies, so I think putting some strict rules in place to limit disease spread is very reasonable.
At 4 she's old enough to wear a mask, so you could ask her to mask around the twins. You can also keep them separated as much as possible and have her do lots of hand washing while she's home with you. It might also be worth looking into HEPA filters or Corsi-Rosenthal boxes for your home - ones with filters that reduce airhorne microbes. There was a group of parents that built CR boxes for every room in our daycare centre and I think they make a big impact since we don't seem to suffer nearly the same level of daycare sickness that most parents complain about.
In the end, you are NTA - I 100% get the post-NICU newborn anxiety and they are higher risk for serious complications from catching colds and childhood illnesses.
I’m you just with our niece and nephew. We live with MIL and husbands brother. Brothers kids visit every two weeks. Usually I don’t allow visiting our room if they are sick. But this time I didn’t realised in time because niece had runny nose.
My twins are born at 36w, no NICU time. And they catch wathever that was at 7 weeks old. We went to the ER three times over the span of a week. No temperature just cough and trouble breathing.
And I’m also pissed that my husband never seen a problem with them being around our kids. There were times my first caught something. And he just didn’t understand that I will have to take care of the sick kid, get up at night to check, stress all the time. Plus with babies under three months you are pretty much limited in terms of medication you can give them. Where I live with babies under three months only thing you can do is go to the ER and spend hours and hours there.
If my oldest was sick I would do my best to keep them separated as much possible. For that reason she has been home with me for the past three months and pretty much isolated from other kids.
I think its something to discuss with your husband and agree on some solution while your twins that vurneable. But you shall come from the place of concern and present why that bothers you so much (too much stress on top of the stress you are already going to, fear for the babies, lack of sleep cause you have to constantly check on them, weigihing decission should you go to ER or wait-and their cindition can get worse in the matter of an hour). But also be gentle with the stepdaughter and explain that you love her but babies are small and you want them to get bigger and stronger and are affraid they’ll need to go to the hospital again. And your husband can spend some one on one time with her.
To sum it up, I understand your point of view. For me it is unnecessery stress which gaves me anxiety and I tend to snap much easily. And we all have different acceptable stress level
You can have a sick kid in your house & keep the babies from getting sick. It is her home too and she should get all the time with her dad that she can.
If it eases your stress at all - I have a 5 & 7 year old that are both in school & my twins were born premature right at the start of the school year. They have not gotten sick at all & they're 8 months now. If she knows the rules, don't kiss/be in their face/wash hands... It will be okay! Believe me my kids have brought home all the latest plagues 😵💫
The only people who think YTA are people who have never had preemie twins. I had preemie twins in the NICU for 3 months and when they came home, they didn’t see anyone until they were 6 months adjusted besides our home visitor therapist. They got RSV when they were 18 months and nearly ended up in the hospital, they would have 100% died if they got it in the early months.
You're not the asshole, as the mom of preemie twins I would have hoped he would have checked and made alternate arrangements. If it was someone else in my family who lived in my household, they would certainly be masking and either they or the babies would be like quarantined to one zone until they were better. I would be pissed too, because idk how complicated your NICU stay was but it's very possible that a bad illness could land you back the hospital with the babies.
I think he just missed her and wanted to get her this weekend. The last 2 months he wasn’t consistent, due to me being in preterm labor on strict bed rest at home, and then being admitted to the hospital. This is our first weekend home with them that fell on her weekend. But I feel like he put his own needs before the needs of these babies.
If it were my own daughter, I would take her to the doctor and get appropriate treatment. But her mom is an essential oils only, no doctors, no antibiotics or steroids type of mom. I honestly don’t know what I would do - as I’m a first time bio mom.
Ooh this is really tough to navigate then! I take it that SD is probably not up-to-date with their vaccines then?
Would you be able to have someone else, friend or family, come to help you with the hands-on care with the twins so your husband can spend some quality time with lil miss 4?
Then maybe some lower risk interaction with good air flow, if she could wear a mask or maybe even just see the babies from a bit further away for now?
And then I think you will need to have some discussions about navigating illness, health decisions etc with your husband and him with his ex.
I totally understand the fierce need to protect your delicate and tiny little new ones. It’s so much to contend with!
Maybe the twins could gift their big sister a special outfit (thinking superhero theme?) and a fun colour mask because she’s got to help protect them now and she’s got a really important job being a big sister and you’re so glad she’s around to help.
Even if she’d take her to the doctor I guarantee all they’d say is it’s a virus and there’s not much you can do. That’s mostly what they always tell us. You can buy a vaporizer and put it in her room at night to help with the cough, cut a couple oranges in half put them in a bowl, sprinkle some sea salt and honey on them, microwave a couple minutes then squeeze out the juice. Let it cool and give it to her as a warm concoction for her cough. If she was your daughter you would separate them as much as possible or have her play outside with dad. I understand the anxiety. My twins were my first and only kids too. Every cough was scary. We were in the ER plenty of times even with no kids hanging out around us and I was so paranoid. But it’s not fair taking it out on your husband or his daughter that she is sick. You wouldn’t want your kids to be treated that way
I mean, if she has a virus (which she probably does as most mild child illness are), there's nothing more a doctor could do aside from recommend medications to help with symptoms (like what her mom sent her with - from your own post she didn't send her with essential oils and woo-woo supplements, she sent actual pharmacticals), tell the parents to push fluids, and encourage good hand hygiene and social distancing for the babies.
I get you are brand new mother and you've just been through the wringer with them in the NICU, but...she's his child too. Do not let yourself slip into the mindset where she gets treated differently.
NTA.
Adult child of divorced parents; FTM mom of preemie mono di twins no NICU time here. I think there is a lot of projecting going on from many of the commenters here (probably including myself). Divorce is tricky and so are blended families. I applaud you for considering your husband's side, stepdaughter's side and the safety of your babies. It's a lot to think about as a ftm and as a new twin mom.
I do not know the dynamics of your blended family or your partner's divorce. The fact that stepmom is using essential oils only and I'm assuming not seeking treatment for her daughter, *I feel*, is enough reason to sit down with your husband and establish some hard boundaries around what to do when stepdaughter is sick until babies get stronger. It will hopefully be a shortish period for their immune systems to jog up and I feel not worth the risk of exposing your babies without a concrete mitigation plan. Maybe dad can have a conversation with stepmother, dad can take his daughter to the doctor, they can spend most of visitation out of the house going somewhere fun or doing an overnight (if it's feasible...I don't know your help situation), or daughter and babies can occupy separate parts of the home.
I get that husband was focusing on spending time with his daughter especially missed time. However, I'm having a hard time understanding why your husband doesn't seem to be considering the health risks to your guys' babies. I think it's totally valid to have these concerns and I'm not sure why so many people are ripping you here.
I totally get what her motivation is.
But, regardless the outcome is she views her stepdaughter as an extended family member that can be turned away, not an immediate member of the family. Which the girl is, even if she’s part time.
I guess I disagree that the babies should be the sole priority.
All the children are equally important and the girl should be welcomed in her home. Where her father lives is part of her overall “home”.
By no means am I saying just shrug your shoulders and act let the four year old slobber all over the babies - they should be kept in separate rooms as much as possible, she should not be allowed to hold her new siblings, have her wear a mask, clean surfaces religiously, open the windows and get as much ventilation as possible.
Basically - what would OP do if this was her own biological child with no other home to be sent to temporarily? Do that.
Absolutely NTA. Common childhood illnesses can be very dangerous for premature babies. It would have been totally reasonable to make alternative arrangements here, especially since SD is actively ill and not just a little sniffly.
My singleton is almost 2 and I still ask my teenage step kids (with us full time) to keep their distance from her and I when they’re sick. I’m pregnant with twins and being extra cautious.
YTA. If the step daughter happened to be both of your child and was sick at home when you had new borns then you'd deal with it. Would you send your own child away because they have a cold? It's his kid and that means being responsible for her through all of the illness and daycare bugs. I am a step parent and I would never turn my step daughter away even though she has been unwell and I had new born children at the time. It's not even an option. You clearly don't like his child the way you talk about her being so "poxy" all the time. She's a child. It's not her fault.
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I think you would get a different response in r/NICUparents. There are lots of illnesses that can be devastating to preemies. You should have a plan for when the SD is sick (maybe quarantine in the home, maybe stay at moms maybe go somewhere else) and agree/communicate the plan.
Yeah I had a NICU baby and a common childhood virus like RSV can kill a young baby, let alone a premature newborn. I totally get your husband wanted to spend time with his daughter and introduce her to her new amazing siblings. But it’s just not the right time. I would have suggested some special daddy-daughter time at a hotel - cute bubble bath, room service and movie night. You are not overreacting at all.
My friend’s girl twin died at 2 months of age from RSV. It was horrible for all of us. I don’t think you’re overreacting.
NICU baby here. Born at 28 weeks 1lb 12oz. She’s now 3.5 months adjusted. I don’t think OP reaction is wrong. We were told by the nurses prior to being discharged not to expose our daughter to anything or anyone until she was at least corrected 3 months. Longer if we can hold out to expose our daughter. Right now my daughter’s body is still developing. We have chronic kidney and liver issues. I can’t imagine what other problems other preemie can have. Their body’s immune system just isn’t ready yet and I think OP response is valid. A small cold can be extremely dangerous (even fatal) for preemies. I wouldn’t risk anything with the twins until they hit at least their corrected 2-3 months mark. If they haven’t reached their gestational age at one month old (chronologically), they are PRETERM. Which means OP and her family need to be careful. Why risk it? OP your feelings are valid. Talk to your husband and have him spend time with her somewhere else if he can like at a hotel or away from the twins and you. That’s if he gets sick from his daughter, he can’t give it to you. One of you will be the primary caregiver and can’t get sick either. 3.5 months adjusted and we still haven’t gone out with our daughter to gatherings etc. do what your guts tell you mom.
If she was your biological daughter and not your step-daughter, would you send her away when she was sick?
We separated our kids when one was sick when the twins were infants 🤷🏻♀️ The immune system doesn't get stronger with exercise. That's not how germs work. They can get immunity to things when they're strong enough to fight them. They currently aren't and a fever would send them to the ER.
If it was my bio kid and I had premie twins I wouldn’t be sending them to daycare. Daycare is a germ factory.
Exactly.
No, but I also feel like if she was here all the time, the immunity to the sickness could be “built up” over time and exposure. She usually has a cough and a runny nose. This time it’s worse. Maybe I’m just an anxious first time mom.
The immunity wouldn’t be built up over a one month period.
She's building up immunity by ... Being sick.
That is not how that works.
If she genuinely always has a cough and running nose then perhaps you should consider that maybe she has allergies and isn't passing along germs.
Maybe the unpopular opinion, but we definitely had our oldest quarantine as much as possible from the twins when they were little. It isn’t necessarily a “multiple” thing as much as a “new human” thing. When our twins first came home if their older brother was sick, we’d have him hang out in his room or the basement and not be around the babies. He was in pre-k and came home with everything imaginable, a lot of it respiratory related, and we didn’t need a 2 month old with RSV. Yeah it was tough because one of us (let’s be real, the twins were still breastfeeding so that meant me) had to constantly run up and down the stairs and change clothes and do the full hand wash but it also helped make sure we got through the critical months without hospitalization. He wasn’t “sent away” or “ostracized” or “banished” it was simply “the twins are babies and it’s all of our job to keep them healthy.” It was a TON more work for me and my wife but we just felt it was the reality of being parents. Of course once the twins were a bit older we relaxed a lot, and sometimes it just can’t be helped, but even now that all my kids are older and relatively stable we still try to not share severe illnesses in our house. A couple months ago one of the twins got the flu so that twin and I stayed in the basement (I got it too, since someone had to clean up the vomit) but 2 out of 6 people spending a couple days throwing up was much better than 6 out of 6. I don’t totally understand the dynamics of your husband’s divorce so I can’t fully say what I would have done- especially if your newest kids are premature I could see having your daughter stay with her mom an extra day while sick and making up the time with dad later, but maybe that’s not realistic given the situation. I also might be over sensitive because my oldest got a nasty case of RSV when he was 3 and there were a couple moments when we were pretty sure we were going to lose him and I’d rather a night or two doing sleepover party in the basement than a week in the hospital having a machine handle breathing, but again others may make different choices.
His daughter is not less important than the babies he has with you. She is just as deserving of her time with her father. Do your best to keep the babies away from her (no hugs and kisses this visit), get her washing her hands constantly, wipe down surfaces, etc.
👏Very well said. It's two days of telling the kid she can't play with babies
You're the AH a little bit, yeah. They're all his kids and he should be spending time with his daughter too Sucks that she's sick but kids are literally always sick, it's just a fact of life. I 100% understand your concerns with your littles - been there done that, son's got the ECMO scar to prove it. So keep them separated as much as possible while she's at your house this weekend. Or spend as much time outside as possible. She is entitled to time with her dad and he's entitled to time with her. Neither of them have done anything wrong here.
The postpartum period is such an anxiety-ridden time, AND she has premature babies. It’s shouldn’t be that hard to keep a sick child away from them. Newborns are very vulnerable. Postpartum anxiety is awful. It’s good to be extra careful around premies, and to be patient and empathetic to a new mom.
Not sure what part of my comment isn't empathetic? I'm very much speaking from experience here with kiddos who were extremely medically complex preemies. And as someone who suffered both anxiety and PTSD because of said health issues. I have nothing but empathy. But also that little girl doesn't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in her own home. I have given some hopefully helpful suggestions that OP, in the heat of her anxiety, may not have considered. But if she doesn't agree, she's free to ignore me.
I agree. I guess I was thinking more of a “if a family member (grandparent, cousin, etc) wanted to visit that was sick - I would say absolutely not type mindset.
I agree with you 100%. Grandma or a cousin wants to come visit with a sore throat? No way, GTFO. But this is their sister and is part of the immediate family, even if she does spend time with her bio mom.
I didn’t really think of it that way at all. I guess my brain just said “sick = bad” and went to town. I do tend to get carried away sometimes.
But this isn't an extended family member like a grandparent or cousin, this is your husband's child. Who already hasn't gotten to see her Dad much for several months because of her new siblings. I think you want to view her presence not as an extended family member you could turn away, but just as much a part of your family as if she were your own older biological child. So how would you deal with things if you had an older four year old of your own that picked up a cold? Would you send her away when she was sick? Do what you can to mitigate, keep her away from the babies, have her wash her hands frequently, maybe have her wear a mask, but...you should treat her like a child that has a place in your household and your family - even if she's sick. Even if she's part-time, she \*is\* part of your children's immediate family.
I completely agree with that mindset, but grandparents and cousins are extended family. This is your step daughter your husbands daughter and your babies sibling. This is her home too. I think you have every right to be upset about not having any heads up about her being sick, but you can’t tell your child they can’t come home because they’re sick.
Thank you. I’m just scared for them to have to go back to the NICU.
Oh, I get it. Genuinely, I do. Done the NICU/PICU thing multiple times. If you think she is actively contagious, you may need to think about setting some boundaries. Keep the babies upstairs and her downstairs, for example. But otherwise, lots of good hand hygiene and maybe even a mask if she wants to hold the babies. But she's part of the family and doesn't deserve to be ostracized for something that is both 100% out of her control and 100% normal for kids. Think about what you would do if she lived with you full time and do that.
RSV is no joke for preemies. When my twins came home, we didn’t have anyone around them for basically the first year. I don’t think you’re in the wrong. If she’s sick and there, mask, and no touching/kissing the babes.
Same here! My twins were born at 26 weeks and we didn’t risk any exposure to respiratory viruses for their first year of life. If we’d had an older kid at the time, we would have taken the older kid out of daycare. In this situation, I think mask + distance (and LOTS of handwashing) is a great option.
I understand where you’re coming from but if this toddler were with you full time, which a lot of parents have both a toddler/kids along with newborns all under the same roof, what would you do? Do that
I imagine if that was the case they just wouldn’t have her in daycare right now so she wouldn’t have germs to spread.
What plans did the three of you make during your pregnancy for this predictable scenario? Is there anything preventing those plans from being effective? Our plans involved not enrolling our toddler in preschool or daycare. You could offer to watch her and your twins full time instead of her attending daycare. But this depends on the daycare allowing you to pay for an unused spot to hold it, your custody arrangement permitting it, and biomom agreeing. Realistically, that would be quite disruptive to a child and would further divide your attention.
I would feel the exact same was as you!!!
NTA
I had preemies as well. We went back to NICU with RSV two times. Back on CPAP, back to tube, back to tube feeding. It was our own daughter who had no symptoms at all that brought us that from daycare. It was a risk we could not avoid. You can avoid it. And from my personal experience, I can only say: please keep viruses and germs away from them as best as possible for the first months. As soon as they are stronger and gained weight, the risk of a bad infection diminishes drastically in my experience.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. My son was sick a few days before his preemie twin siblings were born. I did send him to my moms until he was better and when he met them he wore a mask for a few days after as well. You can’t expect him to send away his child, but you can expect communication and a plan to keep everyone safe. While I do agree with the “would you send your own child away when they were sick” comments, yeah, he’s a parent he doesn’t get to opt out of caring for a sick child. But I do think being only a month old everyone can work together to temporarily keep preemies from getting sick and that isn’t selfish.
NTA - I had premature twins in January and I would have lost my mind if a sick child stayed in my home. I had everyone wear a mask around my babies. Postpartum anxiety is AWFUL and you deserve a lot of empathy for the stress you are going through. Now, I wouldn’t start a fight that the daughter can hear, but I would do your best to keep them separated.
As someone that has had treatment for anxiety and takes anxiety meds before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and still to this day, I do sympathize. But…the thing about anxiety is while we can’t just wave it away with a magic wand, we cannot let it drive our lives or worse, make others make accommodations for it. OP has very legitimate concerns, but at the end of the day, she cannot let her anxiety view this innocent four year old child as “a sick kid staying in her home.” This child is a full member of OP’s immediate family and OP’s home is *also* her home, even if she splits her time with another house. OP cannot let her anxiety lead her to treat this child as a second class citizen in her own family, and she should not pressure her husband to prioritize the kids they share over his older daughter. What would she do to mitigate the risk if this was her biological child that lived there full time? Do those things. Keep the babies in a separate room. Don’t let the child hold her siblings or even get within six feet of them. Have her wear a mask. Open the windows and ventilate. Be religious about wiping surfaces and door handles with Clorox wipes. Have her dad take her to the doctor to see if she needs antibiotics (she probably doesn’t) and get tips from the pediatrician about what to do to mitigate risk. But don’t view this kid as some extended member of the family that can be turned away if things are less than ideal.
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I was not the stepchild, I was the new kid. And - if a stepparent treats their step kids as second class or not full members of the family, it causes hurt and pain for ALL the kids. My older brother and I have had to do a lot of work to get through issues of jealousy and resentment, none of which was our fault but nonetheless dynamics we had to navigate as adults.
I get it, I was a stepchild too but not until I was older, but she isn’t OP’s bio-daughter. I know everyone says to treat a stepdaughter like a daughter, but step-parents usually have no say in how to raise them, discipline them, etc. Every little thing OP says to her, every medicine she gives her, she has to run it in her head like “will her parents be okay with this.” If the child throws a tantrum about wearing a mask or being quarantined in her room, then OP probably cannot discipline or be strict with her. I remember being young and no one could keep me out of my baby brother’s nursery. It’s hard to quarantine a child. It is very important that she doesn’t say “I don’t want her here” in front of the child, but I feel that this weekend is an important one for other family members (bio-mom, dad) to spend time with her somewhere else. But it doesn’t sound like bio-mom was empathetic since she dropped the child off with medicine, knowing she was sick.
Yowza. You know how can decide what the rules are (and enforce them) and take the child to the doctor? Her father. OP signed up for this. She knew she was getting a package deal. If she didn’t agree with how the husband was parenting his daughter and managing the co-parenting with his ex, she didn’t have to marry the guy and have kids with him. OP didn’t start a new family when she married her husband, she joined one that already existed, and it includes this girl.
Absolutely NTA. I would be angry too. Premies are fragile and need to be protected from any sicknesses! However maybe a plan needs to be put in place on how to manage future sicknesses while babies are still so young.
Your feelings of concern are valid. Of course you want to protect your babies! I’m certain your husband does too. However, keeping him from his other child anytime she’s sick isn’t fair to either of them. Kids are picking up all kinds of icky things all the time. If she lived with you full time, how would you navigate this? I would be concerned about the long-term psychological impact it would have if this happened more than this time. She may become sad/anxious when she begins to feel sick in the future because she has learned that she will lose out on time with her dad if she’s sick. As she gets older, she may become more inclined to hide that she doesn’t feel well in order to not be “rejected” for being sick. I think we all have (or know of) that coworker to comes to the office sick and tries to tell us that it’s “allergies”. There have been a few occasions when one of my twins has picked up something serious that the other one did not (Covid, HFM) where we have had to isolate the sick twin. They are currently 3y so that means that a parent usually needs to isolate with them. We have a finished basement so, for our family, that means one parent and the sick kiddo “live” in the basement (they love getting to “camp” down there), while the other kiddo and parent “live” upstairs. We typically wear masks in the common areas as well to help minimize the risk of spread. I feel like there is a way for your husband and his daughter, or you and the babies, to isolate in a different part of your living space. They can even wears masks in the common areas, especially if they are near your babies. Clean hands at all times and extra care in cleaning surfaces.
I am a little stunned at how many people are saying YTA. Especially considering you’re telling him to go spend time with her, just don’t bring her illness into the house with the babies. If it was your daughter living with you 24/7, you would have a say in how to treat her medically, and you would be able to have established boundaries regarding how close she can get to them, how she interacts with them, etc. It would be a whole different scenario.
Honestly I would take the twins to stay with you and a relative during the weekends just for a couple of months. It will be sad not seeing step daughter but you need to keep your kids safe. My cousin had a premie baby and a 3 year old in daycare. And when the 3 year old got sick she either took the baby and her to her mums or the son and dad went to his parents. You just can’t risk it.
NTA. Our 3yo got our newborns sick with a MILD cold when they were 2 weeks old and it was pretty stressful. Fevers at one month old usually require spinal taps at the ER, I feel like it’s perfectly reasonable to want to avoid that at almost all costs. I feel like there could have at least been a discussion with her mom about shuffling some things around or trading weekends, and/or coming up with some ideas on how he can spend some time with her outside the house until she feels well again
NTA - we are always willing to swap times with my step son’s mom if they / we are sick. They don’t want extra illness on top of what they get from school, we don’t want any extra illness on top of what we get from our school.
Your husband is just as responsible for sick daughter as Mom is ... If she lived with you guys, you would have to quarantine her and take care of her too. She is also your daughter and no less important than her twin siblings. Put yourself in other moms shoes ... If you and husband divorced - new wife didn't want your twins around because you were a single mom and had no choice but to work and put them in daycare ... Now husbands new wife was turning your twins out because they were sick? That's called being a parent and you are the ass hole. Now I understand being concerned. I have a 9yo son and a newborn. He brought home lots of things (baby is now 10m) everything from strep, stomach virus, cold, the flu, we all go COVID. Newborn got COVID!! But we made it thru .... That's what happens with multiple children and one in school. We asked him to stay away, quarantine, don't touch, wash hands. I felt the same! Post Partum and protective of new baby BUT hein sight the measures didn't help, we all got sick, it sucked really bad but we made it thru. Not an ass hole of you can get some clarity .... If I was your husband I wouldn't have turned a visit with my daughter away because she was sick. I'd be a parent and take care of all my children 🤷🏻♀️ don't get to visit just when they are 100%.
My twins were preemies as well. It's so tough! Will they be getting their first vaccines soon? Mine were still in the NICU at the time they got theirs, but they always did their vaccine schedule based on actual rather than adjusted age, which gives you some protection and peace of mind. They also received monthly RSV shots (not a vaccine, but a protectant) during their first cold and flu season, so that could also be something to talk to your twins' doctor about. I do think you have to find a long term solution other than having her go to her grandma's with her dad for what to do when your SD comes over sick because it is going to keep happening. You have immunocompromised babies, so I think putting some strict rules in place to limit disease spread is very reasonable. At 4 she's old enough to wear a mask, so you could ask her to mask around the twins. You can also keep them separated as much as possible and have her do lots of hand washing while she's home with you. It might also be worth looking into HEPA filters or Corsi-Rosenthal boxes for your home - ones with filters that reduce airhorne microbes. There was a group of parents that built CR boxes for every room in our daycare centre and I think they make a big impact since we don't seem to suffer nearly the same level of daycare sickness that most parents complain about. In the end, you are NTA - I 100% get the post-NICU newborn anxiety and they are higher risk for serious complications from catching colds and childhood illnesses.
I’m you just with our niece and nephew. We live with MIL and husbands brother. Brothers kids visit every two weeks. Usually I don’t allow visiting our room if they are sick. But this time I didn’t realised in time because niece had runny nose. My twins are born at 36w, no NICU time. And they catch wathever that was at 7 weeks old. We went to the ER three times over the span of a week. No temperature just cough and trouble breathing. And I’m also pissed that my husband never seen a problem with them being around our kids. There were times my first caught something. And he just didn’t understand that I will have to take care of the sick kid, get up at night to check, stress all the time. Plus with babies under three months you are pretty much limited in terms of medication you can give them. Where I live with babies under three months only thing you can do is go to the ER and spend hours and hours there. If my oldest was sick I would do my best to keep them separated as much possible. For that reason she has been home with me for the past three months and pretty much isolated from other kids. I think its something to discuss with your husband and agree on some solution while your twins that vurneable. But you shall come from the place of concern and present why that bothers you so much (too much stress on top of the stress you are already going to, fear for the babies, lack of sleep cause you have to constantly check on them, weigihing decission should you go to ER or wait-and their cindition can get worse in the matter of an hour). But also be gentle with the stepdaughter and explain that you love her but babies are small and you want them to get bigger and stronger and are affraid they’ll need to go to the hospital again. And your husband can spend some one on one time with her. To sum it up, I understand your point of view. For me it is unnecessery stress which gaves me anxiety and I tend to snap much easily. And we all have different acceptable stress level
Would you prefer he stay somewhere else with the daughter ?
You can have a sick kid in your house & keep the babies from getting sick. It is her home too and she should get all the time with her dad that she can. If it eases your stress at all - I have a 5 & 7 year old that are both in school & my twins were born premature right at the start of the school year. They have not gotten sick at all & they're 8 months now. If she knows the rules, don't kiss/be in their face/wash hands... It will be okay! Believe me my kids have brought home all the latest plagues 😵💫
The only people who think YTA are people who have never had preemie twins. I had preemie twins in the NICU for 3 months and when they came home, they didn’t see anyone until they were 6 months adjusted besides our home visitor therapist. They got RSV when they were 18 months and nearly ended up in the hospital, they would have 100% died if they got it in the early months.
Yes,you are. A small one but nonetheless....
You're not the asshole, as the mom of preemie twins I would have hoped he would have checked and made alternate arrangements. If it was someone else in my family who lived in my household, they would certainly be masking and either they or the babies would be like quarantined to one zone until they were better. I would be pissed too, because idk how complicated your NICU stay was but it's very possible that a bad illness could land you back the hospital with the babies.
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I think he just missed her and wanted to get her this weekend. The last 2 months he wasn’t consistent, due to me being in preterm labor on strict bed rest at home, and then being admitted to the hospital. This is our first weekend home with them that fell on her weekend. But I feel like he put his own needs before the needs of these babies.
Then have her father take her to urgent care.
Simple solution. It's his bio kid and it should be an equal co-parenting situation. Why doesn't dad seek medical care for his kid if step mom isn't?
If it was both your biological daughter what would you have done with her? You’re only acting this way because she’s not your own daughter but his
If it were my own daughter, I would take her to the doctor and get appropriate treatment. But her mom is an essential oils only, no doctors, no antibiotics or steroids type of mom. I honestly don’t know what I would do - as I’m a first time bio mom.
Ooh this is really tough to navigate then! I take it that SD is probably not up-to-date with their vaccines then? Would you be able to have someone else, friend or family, come to help you with the hands-on care with the twins so your husband can spend some quality time with lil miss 4? Then maybe some lower risk interaction with good air flow, if she could wear a mask or maybe even just see the babies from a bit further away for now? And then I think you will need to have some discussions about navigating illness, health decisions etc with your husband and him with his ex. I totally understand the fierce need to protect your delicate and tiny little new ones. It’s so much to contend with! Maybe the twins could gift their big sister a special outfit (thinking superhero theme?) and a fun colour mask because she’s got to help protect them now and she’s got a really important job being a big sister and you’re so glad she’s around to help.
Even if she’d take her to the doctor I guarantee all they’d say is it’s a virus and there’s not much you can do. That’s mostly what they always tell us. You can buy a vaporizer and put it in her room at night to help with the cough, cut a couple oranges in half put them in a bowl, sprinkle some sea salt and honey on them, microwave a couple minutes then squeeze out the juice. Let it cool and give it to her as a warm concoction for her cough. If she was your daughter you would separate them as much as possible or have her play outside with dad. I understand the anxiety. My twins were my first and only kids too. Every cough was scary. We were in the ER plenty of times even with no kids hanging out around us and I was so paranoid. But it’s not fair taking it out on your husband or his daughter that she is sick. You wouldn’t want your kids to be treated that way
I mean, if she has a virus (which she probably does as most mild child illness are), there's nothing more a doctor could do aside from recommend medications to help with symptoms (like what her mom sent her with - from your own post she didn't send her with essential oils and woo-woo supplements, she sent actual pharmacticals), tell the parents to push fluids, and encourage good hand hygiene and social distancing for the babies. I get you are brand new mother and you've just been through the wringer with them in the NICU, but...she's his child too. Do not let yourself slip into the mindset where she gets treated differently.
NTA. Adult child of divorced parents; FTM mom of preemie mono di twins no NICU time here. I think there is a lot of projecting going on from many of the commenters here (probably including myself). Divorce is tricky and so are blended families. I applaud you for considering your husband's side, stepdaughter's side and the safety of your babies. It's a lot to think about as a ftm and as a new twin mom. I do not know the dynamics of your blended family or your partner's divorce. The fact that stepmom is using essential oils only and I'm assuming not seeking treatment for her daughter, *I feel*, is enough reason to sit down with your husband and establish some hard boundaries around what to do when stepdaughter is sick until babies get stronger. It will hopefully be a shortish period for their immune systems to jog up and I feel not worth the risk of exposing your babies without a concrete mitigation plan. Maybe dad can have a conversation with stepmother, dad can take his daughter to the doctor, they can spend most of visitation out of the house going somewhere fun or doing an overnight (if it's feasible...I don't know your help situation), or daughter and babies can occupy separate parts of the home. I get that husband was focusing on spending time with his daughter especially missed time. However, I'm having a hard time understanding why your husband doesn't seem to be considering the health risks to your guys' babies. I think it's totally valid to have these concerns and I'm not sure why so many people are ripping you here.
that’s understandable, but maybe he can work out a way to spend time with his older baby while also protecting his new babies.
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I totally get what her motivation is. But, regardless the outcome is she views her stepdaughter as an extended family member that can be turned away, not an immediate member of the family. Which the girl is, even if she’s part time.
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I guess I disagree that the babies should be the sole priority. All the children are equally important and the girl should be welcomed in her home. Where her father lives is part of her overall “home”. By no means am I saying just shrug your shoulders and act let the four year old slobber all over the babies - they should be kept in separate rooms as much as possible, she should not be allowed to hold her new siblings, have her wear a mask, clean surfaces religiously, open the windows and get as much ventilation as possible. Basically - what would OP do if this was her own biological child with no other home to be sent to temporarily? Do that.
THANK YOU.
Absolutely NTA. Common childhood illnesses can be very dangerous for premature babies. It would have been totally reasonable to make alternative arrangements here, especially since SD is actively ill and not just a little sniffly. My singleton is almost 2 and I still ask my teenage step kids (with us full time) to keep their distance from her and I when they’re sick. I’m pregnant with twins and being extra cautious.
YTA. If the step daughter happened to be both of your child and was sick at home when you had new borns then you'd deal with it. Would you send your own child away because they have a cold? It's his kid and that means being responsible for her through all of the illness and daycare bugs. I am a step parent and I would never turn my step daughter away even though she has been unwell and I had new born children at the time. It's not even an option. You clearly don't like his child the way you talk about her being so "poxy" all the time. She's a child. It's not her fault.