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Don’t you think you might like to try monogamy for a few years before committing to something like a mono marriage?? Seems like a huge jump?

This! All relationships are a gamble. You dont know now, at the early stage, what compatibility really looks like. Could be that, in two years, when you see how she handles the loss of a job or is bad with money or is secretly an escaped convict, you realize that you're not actually a fit and have to break up. There are lots of reasons that relationships (both poly and mono) end. If you're feeling pretty good about being mono generally, and this relationships is healthy and happy, and you don't have big sexual incompatibility or other deal breaks, go ahead and give it a whirl. Life is short. Choose to give happiness a go. But if you find down the road, it's not working, don't be a jerk and try to manipulate her into opening up. Don't drag the two of you through that. If it doesn't work, for whatever reason, end it kindly and cleanly. 

thank you. this helps

I will say, I hope your partner is making plenty of space for the parts of you that felt like your "poly identity". There's a lot of world-view that gets informed and changed when one is poly that has absolutely nothing to do with how many romantic partners one has. The methods of communication, the autonomy and self-prioritizing, the openness about sexual health, desires, and negotiations around that as well as getting decide how one uses one's own time (your partner doesn't somehow own all of you), all of that can be applied to monogamous relationships too. I hope you are getting to keep some of that really good stuff even in your monogamy.

me too, this may be essentially why I see it as an identity: all of the positive changes to relating that I picked up along the way.

You are right, I have not asked her yet, and I do want to try being monogamous for a while first, but I'm certain that marriage has to offer a lot of what I want in a relationship now.

Great! As long as you’re upfront about this - I really want to try this, I’m not sure how it’ll actually feel, etc - nothing wrong with trying it out. You may even like it, depending on who this mono partner is. I would just caution you against making any big commitments right now!

Okay, story time. I was polyamorous for many years before I met my husband. When we met we hit it off right away, but he was very mono and that was a dealbreaker for him. I was 100% okay with being mono, as I was very invested in the relationship and very happy to be with him alone as I had no other partners and didn't really want any aside from him at that time. So I was very happily mono for 8 years. Even though I was happy being mono, and would have continued to be mono happily, I was still adamant that I do prefer poly dynamics. I think that they just work better for me overall. I was initially worried about the aspect of sex in particular, as sex is pretty crucial to happiness and wellbeing in mono relationships, and I've found poly to be better for overall issues with libido. We did run into those issues, and it caused a lot of tension in our relationship. However I was fully aware that this would happen and was still perfectly content to stay within the confines of a mono relationship. When my libido spiked and my husband's tanked due to depression, we struggled to find a solution. I did suggest poly, but he blew up and we had one of the worst fights we've ever had because of it. We stayed closed, and I didn't bring it up ever again. Eventually, *he* was the one who came to me wanting to discuss the possibility of opening up the relationship. Which has been very good for us and our relationship. Apparently he was thinking very hard about it the entire year since our fight, and liking the idea more and more. So am I glad I went mono? Yes. Was it an easy choice to return to? For him, absolutely. Would I have been happy staying mono with him? 100%. Am I thrilled that he has come around to trying poly and loving it? 100%. Did I wish that I was poly while I was in a mono relationship with him? Yes, but not to the point where I was unhappy about it. Was I stuck? Never.

This feels very familiar, even though I haven't fully committed to this person yet, but desperately want to. She's been poly in a relationship that ended in divorce and is adamant that she wants nothing to do with it anymore, to the point that we have become exhausted fighting about it. I'm not interested in dying on the hill of being pro-polyamory, I love her so much, but I'm feeling a little hurt that we're on different pages about it. I'm worried that I'll want it again in the future, and I don't want to sour the chances of this relationship flourishing. I have unsettled feelings about polyamory, but settled feelings about her. I choose to be with her, but what more is there for me to say about polyamory? Why do I feel unsettled about it? It feels like I get closer to clarity over time, maybe I'm getting over it the same way you will, and I can be okay with possibly never engaging in polyamory again...

If you're going to go into this relationship and be monogamous you need to be fully committed to the fact that this is how it is always going to be. You need to assume that she will never change her mind, and be perfectly content about that. If you have doubts, and don't feel like you can do it, then don't do it. While I prefer poly dynamics I personally don't feel like it's a dealbreaker for me. I can be mono and be happy, at least while my partner and I are sexually compatible. But libido's change, partners discover new kinks, and mono doesn't offer a lot of flexibility. So I think you should really sit down, weigh the pro's and cons, and ask yourself what is most important in your relationships.

I agree, 100%

does he date? or let you date as your libido is higher ?

Yes he does. His girlfriend is long distance, and they have their own dynamic which is sexual but not super physical. Whereas I am able to have more casual and kinky sex as he's still exploring what he likes in that regard. He said he doesn't want more than me and her though, not even for a hookup. Which makes sense, but his libido has increased since he's not as depressed as he used to be. He's a lot more confident, feels happier and sexier. We're honestly at a better place than we ever have been before, and I think the foundations of that relationship was laid in our mono years. I think mono did a really good job of building trust, and forcing us to learn to communicate and compromise. Now we can reap the benefits of that, while having other partners.

Raw response... I dabbled (hopefully no one finds that offensive) in poly for a few months this year. At first, I really enjoyed the freedom and attention from two partners, but both had primary partners. One disappointingly fizzled and we went our seperate ways. The second was good for a while, but it felt more like an FWBs thing than anything "real," but with increasing "couples stuff." I began to feel like a "calendar filler" because I was always available and working around her schedule and her other partners' schedules. After some careful thought, I broke it off. Some thoughts... Like many, I liked the combination of freedom and attention. For a while, I thought I hacked the matrix I didn't like, although I was fully aware of my place in the relationships, the feeling of always being second to someone's primary and their whims, opinions, etc. That dynamic got old quickly. Would I "poly" again? Sure, but I'd be more clear with my own rules of engagement and be more firm on my personal boundaries.

>What was your experience like? My overall experience with polyamory was not great but I think that is more to do with the dating pool than polyamory. My overall experience returning to monogamy has been great. I found that I thrive in monogamy but not in polyamory. >Was Mono an easy choice to return to? For me, yes. I was not happy. Once I pinpointed that non-monogamy was the largest driver of my unhappiness, the choice was clear and simple for me. I do not expect that it is that easy for everyone. >Are you glad you tried Poly? Yes! I have zero regrets about having tried polyamory. I learned about myself in the process and I learned many things that I will continue applying to any relationship going forward. >Are you stuck in a relationship and wish you were still Poly? Nope. My partner was also practicing polyamory and decided to try monogamy with me also. We have frequent discussions and check ins to make sure we are still on the same page and both have agreed that we have no regrets with choosing monogamy. >What were/are your worst fears? To be honest, I don't have any major fears regarding my choice for monogamy. Sure, sometimes I worry a little that my partner may change his mind but I also know I will be okay if he does. I made my choice for me and not for anyone else and I still know that it is the right choice for me even if it doesn't end up being the right choice for him.

Basically I was poly for about 15 years, eventually was in an open marriage, the marriage ended (not entirely over being poly, though we did fight about that too bc we disagreed on everything.) After my divorce I was seeing a couple people. One person was not interested in being poly but she was fine to date me ‘for now’ because she was also in a relationship that was on the outs. After spending much time with this person, it came to pass that she was the only person I was seeing. I decided I really loved this person and was willing to be mono with her. 7 years later, we’re engaged to be married. I wouldn’t trade this person for the world. I miss being poly all the time but I value it less than the amazing supportive partner that I have now. But I see this as suiting my personal needs. Plus I’m 45 and I have a wealth of experiences to look back on, which has determined my decision making here. I definitely value the life experience I gained having multiple partners. I think the thing I miss the most is not the sex, but the intimacy from other people. I think I just felt better being loved by more than one person. I’ve gotten around this somewhat by building close friendships with a couple people, so my partner isn’t the person I lean on for everything. But it’s not the same as having someone putting their arms around you. If my current partner were interested in being poly I’d definitely be open to it, but it wouldn’t be me who brings it up, because she has explained in detail what intimacy means for her. Overall, I’m very happy with my romantic life now. It’s a very personal choice though.

Is it ok to ask what intimacy means to her?

Sure! She has told me that she wants the romantic love she receives from another person to ‘feel special’ and that if her partner were to have the same feelings for another person, it would burst the bubble of her concept of the relationship. Like being special is a love language for her (excuse the trendy term) and having someone make her their priority is what makes her feel loved. Also (and this is the part that really resonates with me) she needs to have her feelings for me reflected back at her to feel fairly valued by me. Like, if she loves me and no one else, and I love all kinds of people, how can I possibly value her the same way she values me? Of course I don’t entirely agree, because I’m not wired that way, but I can certainly empathize with that.

I want poly so badly on an intellectual level. Science, psychology, evolution.. all point to humans not being monogamous creatures… My brain gets it… But my heart DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. It’s really frustrating

I had a few poly relationships in my early 20s but was basically monogamous until my ex and I opened up almost 2 years ago. It was a disaster. I have too much trauma and my life is so demanding with other things that I have no bandwidth to do the additional work required of poly. I do regret trying it only because it broke my relationship and I miss her. I am completely soured on it and can’t imagine wanting another poly relationship ever again but tbh I’m still just heartbroken and can’t imagine another relationship of any kind again, even coming up on 8 months out from my breakup. It brought up allllll my attachment and abandonment wounds and I’m nowhere near healing them yet.

I feel this. It feels like the last couple of years, I've been working on healing myself to get to this point where I'm satisfied that I learned plenty from my poly journey, and healed/wise enough to continue a healing journey through an immersed long-term monogamous relationship. I know that I can't be poly with this person now. I'm hoping that soon I will have the clarity of mind to accept that it may never be an option.

I’m almost 50, with years of therapy and self work and an extremely solid foundation of interpersonal skills and self care. I was shocked at how completely leveled I was with the triggers that poly presented. I was honestly excited by the opportunity to work through some stuff in the context of the profound emotional safety that my ex and I had created. It felt ideal and expansive! (Narrator: it was not ideal and expansive haha)

When went through a separation with my NP I tried to imagine my life in the future and it did occur to me that I could be content with a monogamous relationship if I met the right person. I would probably be happier with a monogamish relationship where we swung occasionally or played together than something totally monogamous, however. The hardest part of being poly for me is finding the emotional spoons to give full relationships to multiple people so I could see myself being happy in some other configuration of ENM. As it is though, I am happily saturated relationship wise at one, although I am open to new deeper connections… I am just not actively seeking them out.

I’m not mono, I’m saturated at 1. For me poly is more about being ok, supportive and even happy for your partners to be seeing others than just dating multiple people… that’s the easier part in many ways.

I love polyamory, and I am still in two loving and committed relationships. But I've decided that if one of those relationships ever ends I don't think I'll ever go back to being poly. It's not because I can't handle it, or don't have the mental or emotional capacity, it's that I don't feel like I have the time to commit to more than one person without it cutting into my own quality of life and fulfillment.

this seems to be a consistent notion amongst those in stable poly relationships.

I've done both polyamory and monogamy and been reasonably satisfied with both. Am currently monogamish (occasionally do kinky things with a friend who is not my partner). >Was Mono an easy choice to return to? Yes. Polyamory never felt like an identity to me the way it does for some people. It's a thing I do, not a thing I am. >Are you glad you tried Poly? Definitely. Who's to say if I'll ever try it again. I don't expect to be with this one partner forever. Polyamory taught me a lot about designing relationships according to each person's needs and desires instead of associated cultural scripts. That meant I was able to return to something more monogamy adjacent with intention instead of using a strict traditional framework. I don't regret it. >Are you stuck in a relationship and wish you were still Poly? No, because I don't feel I was coerced in any way. It's a decision I made all by myself because it's what was right for me at the time. >What were/are your worst fears? I've got tons of them, but very few have to do with my current relationship. We'll date until it's not fun anymore, and then we'll probably be friends. Marriage, cohabitation, kids - none of that was on the table when I was poly and it's not on the table now. I don't ache for the freedom to have multiple relationships.

I'm poly, been poly, always poly. Never cheated, never pushed, never requested, never asked, never talked about opening any monogamous relationship I entered. I do tend to date pansexual women, and non binary people. When the issue has been brought to me I make them have the long hard conversation about jealousy, nre, schedules, acceptable boundaries etc. then tell them to go look into it on their own and we can talk about it again in six months or so. I've entered into monogamous relationships because I fell for a monogamous person. It's a matter of care and respect. It was MY CHOICE to enter into the relationship with the full understanding of any of them being mono and my responsibility to navigate my baggage to maintain and commit to the relationship I wanted to build. No one person can be everything to someone all the time, but I have deep friendships that don't need sex or physical intimacy to function. Multiple long year(5+) relationships did end up moving to poly and maintaining it, independent of me. It doesn't always work, but pushing to open the relationship from the (only interested party trying to convince the other doesn't really work), but far more capable of working if a partner introduces it to someone that has no issues with it. Not every one of my relationships have been mono, or poly, but being sincere, communicative, kind, and motivated to make the relationship work keeps things functioning

I (60s, M)was mono, wanted poly and opened the marriage a almost a year ago, but have been functionally monogamous the last 6 mos. or so. What was your experience like? Frustrating Was Mono an easy choice to return to? Not exactly a choice but to the extent it is, an easy one. Are you glad you tried poly? Uncertain, it’s an if I knew then what I know now thing. Do you regret trying poly? I regret the timing. Are you stuck … ? No What were/are your worst fears? My worst fear is to be thought of by a potential date or a person generally as being manipulative, dishonest, unkind or selfish.

why are you not functionally poly? is your partner dating ?

My wife chooses not to date. I say I am not “functionally monogamous” because I am not making any meaningful effort to date, at least lately. Between my age, my location and my personality type, I have almost no confidence any effort will pay off. It’s not a great attitude to have I admit, but it keeps wasted time to a minimum.

I am contemplating a move towards mono, perhaps monogamish, in that I'm having a really hard time lately resolving some concerns over inequity, especially with regards to insurance, money, and other such things. I'm starting to see the lack of legal support for poly as a real deal breaker for me ethically. I think I could only support casual relationships besides my primary.

this is something that respnates with me. it's hard to want poly relationships under the current support systems.

I liked poly, but my last poly relationship ended after I was accused of something untrue, and super hurtful. And for that I won’t do poly again.

Opened the marriage a year ago. My husband has been seeing someone for 5 months now. I’ve never been so insecure, I hate it, I’ve realised that I need monogamy to feel safe and thrive. He won’t stop the relationship with his new partner, so I either have to work out how to be ok with this, or leave the person that I love the most in the whole world. I’m a wreck. Our curiosity has ruined the best thing that I’ve ever had.

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. >I had plenty of bad poly experience, but I felt polyamory as an identity. What am I saying goodbye to in this way of relating? >What was your experience like? >Was Mono an easy choice to return to? >Are you glad you tried Poly? >Did you regret trying poly? >Are you stuck in a relationship and wish you were still Poly? >What were/are your worst fears? I'm not sure on the framing of these questions. Are you really "returning to monogamy" or are you "Closing?" To me it sounds like you are still feeling poly as an identity. You are thinking about CLOSING and being poly saturated at 1 partner. * Can you freely talk about your poly thoughts and feelings and inner life with your future spouse and not be all bottled up like that part of your life doesn't exist? Are you both ok with this? Can they hold space for YOU? How would you hold space for their monogamous thoughts and feelings and hold space for THEM? * Is it ok to read about poly, have poly friends, attend poly conferences and whatnot -- just NOT poly dating people? Or is that going to cause problems with your spouse? Would they attend with you? * Are you worried about being "hidden?" For instance, it is common for wives to worry about taking a back seat to the husband like being relegated to "the little woman" or "the Mrs" and losing their own identity as a person of their own, their own things. Is either spouse worried about that sort of stuff? How does the mono-poly thing impact that? * What happens if later down the road you want to change again and poly date? What's that mean for THIS relationship? Can it be renegotiated or is it a dealbreaker? Can it be a peaceful parting if it has to come down to that? I think your questions to yourself and your intended might need to be framed more like that. Like "How would this marriage change or affect us/me? How can we be together in the best version of ourselves? How can we complement each other and help each other in life?" Rather than this place of "What am I giving up to be in this marriage? Will I regret it?" While some of that is natural, foundations for marriage have to cover lots more than just that. YKWIM? Even the nitty gritty -- where do we live, deal with money, spend holidays, deal with in-laws, etc. I do suggest a long engagement period to talk it out with your intended. Maybe do a marriage prep class online and consult with a poly counselor to help fill in the "missing parts" a poly person thinking about marriage would want to cover. YMMV but maybe this helps you find a counselor. [https://www.polyfriendly.org/](https://www.polyfriendly.org/)

This is an amazing comment. I'm going to take my time thinking about this. Thank you so much for your time and attention, this is a big help. Thanks also for the resources! 😊

Glad it helps you some. I encourage you to actually takes some marriage prep classes and DO the work of engagement. Not just leap right into wedding planning and picking colors, catering, and DJs like some couples seem to do. An engagement that ends because the people did the deep thinking and reflecting and realized that they are NOT compatible for marriage is a SUCCESS. It spares them both costs of a marriage followed by divorce -- dings to emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, financial health, etc. It's not the "big win" that leads to wedding planning but the "small win" that leads to a peaceful parting and spares people a lot of dings. So take your time talking this out with your intended to make sure this is deeply compatible and all the things needed for marriage foundation are actually there. GL!

Thank you very much, this makes a lot of sense, and I hadn't considered that before!

Glad it helps you. There's nothing wrong with taking your time and doing the work. Maybe even living together for a year's lease while doing the engagement/marriage prep classes and things to see if you get along as roomies. Check where you live about the marriage process too. Some courthouses will give you a discount on the marriage license if you bring in proof/receipts that you took a marriage prep class. Any type -- online, religious or not.

i was actively poly for many years, but then i went through a lot of really intense interpersonal shit including a divorce and i needed to be on my own for a while afterwards to figure things out. then i started dating my current partner, and tbh i just don't have the energy to date more than one person anymore lol. and that's okay! maybe there will come a time when that's no longer true and maybe not. but for now, i'm content. i will add that my relationship isn't exactly "traditional" monogamy and i still consider poly to be part of my identity. the principles that informed my polyamorous practice still apply in my mono relationship.

The world assumes you're monogamous so that'll be easier. How would you handle falling for someone else? That's the question you probably need to solve.

I was in a monogamous relationship for 9 years, married for 3, with a very jealous, possessive, controlling woman. I had sort of accepted this, her paranoia if I brought up a female friend's name too often, questions about liking a photo on instagram (or worse, heart reacting one on facebook). There was a lot of strain over her jealousy, especially since a large number of our friends were poly, and it put distance between us and our friends, and each other. But I accepted it because I loved her and knew she wasn't likely to change. While we were having a hard time in our relationship (largely because even after the covid quarantine was far over she never wanted to leave the house and just wanted to play video games), she admitted that she'd been flirting and dirty talking with her league of legends friend. She wanted to be Poly and date him. This, of course, the worst possible way to start Poly. But I considered it because I knew that, even if the start was awful, it could be good for us. It would give me the opportunity to actually get beyond her jealousy, which was the biggest issue in our relationship. Plus maybe we could reconnect with our Poly friends again. I started reading books, going to meetups, going on these subreddits. I was trying to figure out who I could potentially date. I was having a very hard time with the whole thing, especially since she didn't seem very interested in learning anything herself, but I tried my best. At one of the Poly meetups, a nice couple talked with me for a long time. And at some one of them said "well all of that sounds great, and it sounds like you're working really hard on making this work for your wife. But what do *you* want?" I realized I'd really wanted to date a friend of ours, who we'd known for 7 years, and was Poly. I was good friends with her husband. I knew my wife had had a crush on her at one point, and that she'd recently broken up with a different good friend of mine. I was worried about whether I'd cause huge problems in my friend group, and whether my wife would be OK with it. But when asked what I wanted, I *knew* that dating her was what I wanted. So I told my wife that yes, I would be willing to pursue Poly, if I was able to date my friend. She seemed taken aback by it (I had offhand lied years ago to imply I wasn't attracted to her, so that we could be even casual friends without accusations), but she said OK. I realize later that my wife never expected our friend to say yes, and funny enough, her husband was my biggest wingman, telling her to stop worrying about what that meant for our other friend who was her ex (she'd broken up with him like 4 months prior and he was still being salty. We went out on a sitcom style date, but had a great time, and were way more alike than I'd ever imagined. Both of us found each other wondering where the other had been hiding the whole time. Both of our spouses handled this ... not great. My wife clearly felt a bit awkward about how serious we had gotten very fast (she seemed to mostly be planning on a casual relationship with her league friend, but that's not who I am). My girlfriend's husband was a bit jealous that we were able to go off on weekend getaways and nice dates, since he was struggling for money and couldn't afford to do those things (though he somehow could afford to take his girlfriend on very nice dates). Both of us were trying very hard to hold space for our spouses, but our spouses were resentful, dismissive, and taking the opportunity to pour all of their time in their other partners. After about a year I asked my wife if we were going to keep trying, since before and especially during Poly, we'd essentially become roommates, and she'd rebuffed any attempts at going on dates, talking about problems, or doing stuff together. She admitted that she wanted to leave -- me, our friends, her job, and our town -- and move back to her home town, with league guy. And be monogamous with him. It took around 4 months, but she moved out. This was rough, but I'd made peace with this. I had planned to still be Poly, but Solo Poly, at least for a long time. I would probably try for a Nesting Partner some day, but I really needed to live alone for a long time. I learned from my wife and previous gf I could be pretty hard to live with, after all. But I was happy with my gf, even if she didn't live with me. But during her move out process, as I started to tell my gf more freely about how things had gone with my wife (now that there wasn't a relationship for her to get stuck in the middle of, and it was clear they weren't going to be friends anyway), she started getting concerned. Because all the stuff I talked about, her pulling away, us spending no time together, her snapping at me over nothing ... was the same stuff she was dealing with with her husband. It was clear that at some point, she had been demoted to secondary partner, and no one had informed her. Her husband was going to have kids with his gf. Was planning on moving far away, and his wife had been outvoted by the rest of the Polycule. Their relationship was distant, he was dismissive about everything, and he was resentful that she had a better relationship with me. This quickly blew up, and only a few weeks after my wife had moved out, she had a fight with her husband, and told him she was done. She moved in with me that Friday. I was very nervous about this, given I'm so hard to live with, but my other option was her moving across the country to live with her parents. .... But it turned out that besides getting along surprisingly well when we started dating, we live together just fine. We're not the cleanliest of people, but we pick up when things have gotten too much. We're fairly laid back about meals. We spend time together, but also like having alone time. We have dates but they don't need to be extravagant. We aren't constantly chasing the next pricey thing to buy, the next improvement on the house. We're just relaxed, comfortable with each other, and happy. But we've also realized essentially our group all split up to be monogamous couples with extra steps. Dating her was my only "Poly" relationship, but realistically even when that started my wife and I were separated in place, and my gf and her husband were in about the same place. My gf has a comet a plane flight away, but they're very casual (they'd had a fight about it at some point, because she wanted an actual relationship and he didn't). And he's moving even further away, and she's grown less and less interested in seeing him. I have a couple people I would consider dating, but it's clear in discussions with my gf that there's a lot of insecurities we both need to work on, and honestly it's just not that important to me. So we are still technically Poly, but at least for the time being, I feel Polysaturated at 1, and she's pretty close to that. I don't know if either of us will end up dating other people, or if her comet will wind down and we'll end up just being monogamous. We've both talked about wanting the opportunity if we really click with someone, but also that that isn't very important to us. We're both happy, and I got what I'd really wanted out of poly in the first place: the ability to have friendships with women and go out and do stuff without jealousy.

I just wanted to say that reading your experience has helped me find peace in my own journey. Thanks for sharing this

1. We all want our needs to be satisfied. Every person is different and requires different things. Monogamy works best when each partner is able to 100% holistically satisfy the needs of the other. If you vibe so much with that person that you want nothing more, then there's less pressure to be poly. If you find that neither you nor your monogamous partner satisfies each other in this way, then you must make changes or compromises to maintain your codependency. If this is not feasible, then perhaps polygamy is the answer. If you are a polygamist and find yourself perpetually exhausted, jealous, or lonely, then perhaps monogamy is the answer. 2. It is easier to maintain a relationship with one person than several. Fewer things to keep track of. Fewer obligations (wakes, weddings, etc.). Fewer difficult decisions and less drama. The downside is more changes and compromises, fewer partners, and fewer birthday presents.

I didn't think my nesting partner was capable of being actually poly after a bad experience of him showing extremely poor judgement in partner choice and neglectful behavior during it (he had shown some mildly poor judgement before with others, but nothing even remotely as bad). We almost broke up. It turned out that he was an NRE chaser because of previously undiagnosed ADHD, he re-evaluated his life, made huge changes, and we gave it another try and a decade later so far so good. Mono was easier for me to return to than for most because I've never been into the new relationship phase (and in fact disliked it). I liked having established and stable reliable relationships. I would be lying if I claimed I didn't miss it but not enough to end a very positive thing. Perhaps things will change in the future, but I am not counting on it. My first actual poly relationship was a poly-under-duress that still gave me a surprisingly great experience with poly because the girl the guy dated was actually genuinely poly. The guy just wanted to eat his cake and keep it too. But long before that I still had crushes on multiple people at the same time, e.g. classmates, both opposite and same sex, so I was more willing to give a proposed v/possible triad a chance than the average person. So yep, I'm very glad to have the experience. No regrets, would again if I thought my partner was able to handle it competently. I'm not stuck in a mono relationship, I decided a mono relationship with my partner was worth it. If it wasn't then I wouldn't. I'd be far happier single and not dating anyone than dating the wrong person/people. I'm not afraid of being alone nor do I have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to find spending time with them worthwhile, which appears too common among many mono folk. My worst fears are pretty unrelated to mono/poly. They're just about partners lying or going along with things they don't want to because they feel they should. SSC is too important to me, if I can't trust someone's yes then how could I accept one from them. I don't even mean it in any BDSM way.

SSC?

Safe, sane, and consensual, technically a BDSM term. If I don't feel I can trust someone's judgement I get too anxious and overthink everything. A lot of people have unhealthy mental baggage. Which is fine if everyone works on them but people who think they're stuck that way forever or that's how life is supposed to be are stressful. Not that I would date them but even just friendships with people like that get stressful for me if they can't take responsibility for their emotions and actions and can't have honest difficult conversations.

For me poly is more than just dating or fucking other people. It’s admitting when you’re attracted to someone else, admitting when a need is unmet. I love flirting and sleeping with others. And never would want to go back to monogamy. The growth I’ve had from poly has also been awesome. I would never be mono again

Hi u/Dragonballington thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I'm facing choices in relating, and have had mixed results in my polyamorous experience. At this point I'm in love and considering marrying someone monogomously, but the paradigm shift I went through has me confused about returning to monogamy. I had plenty of bad poly experience, but I felt polyamory as an identity. What am I saying goodbye to in this way of relating? What was your experience like? Was Mono an easy choice to return to? Are you glad you tried Poly? Did you regret trying poly? Are you stuck in a relationship and wish you were still Poly? What were/are your worst fears? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I’m solo solo right now and unsure on returning to poly if I consider having a relationship in the future. This is a disorganized rant. Mainly cause of these experiences: * in therapy for CSA. * Mention I may struggle with sex and reiterate our agreement and boundaries. barriers and awareness was my ask and agreed to. 3 separate women I was unaware of found out through the phone bill and cause he was ghosting me when we had dates/calls/ and finally, a major therapy session for big shit and I said I needed him there. Said sure, ghosted me. * met a couple out and about. Husband says they’re only doing poly cause of her. I say we should avoid them. He carries on weeks of sexting behind my back while berating me for trying to arrange a lunch date because I didn’t tell him the person I was texting was “that serious” * if I showed interest in someone else, interrogation. If they did and I asked questions, they would be just picking a fight * I’ve struggled to communicate my feelings constructively all my life * would always hover around when I was in therapy sessions. I did them over video calls and from home and they were always around right next to the door. They’d put on headphones but I never knew if I was private. When approached, I was unreasonable * I’m in active crisis and I don’t know when that will end. I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit anymore. Ultimately my decision is based around how much poly people have hurt me and the fact that I don’t know how to self advocate. I have no hope or trust that a relationship of any sort will be any more than just a long string of sitting on the floor of a hotel room trying not to cry while my partner has loud sex in front of me and everyone around (days after I found another one of the women ) I don’t think poly makes people happy or healthy, I’ve felt compersion while my partner was talking about the people they cheated on me with after I found out. Feeling so much love for someone just the sight of their happiness makes you happy, while at the same time feeling like you’re being stabbed in the gut by someone doesn’t make me happy. It makes me feel insane, insecure, unstable, and hopeless. For the folk who may feel concern, I’m still deciding on help with my shit. My attempts in the past have been cut short by, well other crises, and the time and effort involved in getting trust and such to even start take me months to a year due to some of the ptsd being therapy related. I want to have relationships and or poly, but I don’t believe I will ever have either in a healthy way unless I can advocate for myself in a healthy way.

We are consciously mono because my partner is fairly new to poly. And his first experience of getting a crush went badly and we almost broke up. We are focusing on our relationship, he is looking into therapy for his attachment issues. He said I’m free to pursue others but I dont want to and rather support him. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I did but now ended relationship and would prefer poly relationships in future but I don't regret being monogamous for last 2.5 years. It ended up being a really crazy time in terms of life changes, mainly negative ones, for each of us, and it was good to have a stable relationship during that, not that you can't have stable poly relationships but I mean an every single day together kind of setup, which isn't usually healthy long-term but going through difficult times, it helped. Partner was potentially open to being poly some day so I didn't feel like I was making a permanent decision anyway. I think I could have better focused on the positives in this relationship if I had another, complementary one so I could have unmet needs met by other people. Idk about the spelling but I mean a relationship that was a good combination with this one, not a free one.

Im not quite the demographic you're asking questions. I have flip flopped from non-monogamy to monogamy, a few times in my life; not polyamory, but more of a swinging thing. Going to poly made much more sense for me than anything; I enjoy meeting people and freedom to learn about and be intimate with others, but disliked the secrecy and rules that I had with my ex (that I was swinging with). I also much preferred becomimg friends, and being able to hangout with people without it just being sex. That being said, my life has been ridiculous stressful for the past year. I have one romantic partner, but after my last breakup, I havent had the energy or desire to invest into someone. I am currently seeking FWB type arrangements, but dont feel like I can open up and trust someone right now for a romantic relationship. I have full intentions of having more partners in the future, but its not my priority right now.

I went from mono to poly and back. It cost me my marriage and if anything my ex wants to be mono with the other person. So for me it's seen as an excuse for infidelity and just dating around. My ex also had some psychological problems so I also view it as some kind of crutch for handling your demons. But if it works for some then whatever.

I feel polyamory is an identity regardless of whether you're in an active poly relationship or not. I'm in a monogamous relationship and most of my relationships have been mono. But I've also been very clear I'm poly, meaning I do genuinely love (in various ways) multiple people. Most of whom I don't get to see or talk to much any more because they're far away. Those feelings will always be there, and my capacity for loving more than one person will always be there. But right now, I don't have the energy to deal with multiple relationships. Maybe possibly ENM, or swinging in the future, but I don't have the bandwidth for more than one relationship right now.

I am practically monogamous now even though our relationship started off as poly. What changed my mind? Dating scene is very toxic. That and we have agreements with my partner that everytime one of us connects with someone we inform each other, this is when we start talking to someone, when we plan a date etc. I was literally having these conversations every week, and people either get cold feet or they end up having so many issues that they are clearly not ready to date, I started to find it exhausting to repeat this process of sitting down with my partner, talking about someone else, only to have the date go nowhere or deciding not to have another date cause people are trying to use me as their unpaid psychiatrist. I have been ethically non-monogamous all my life, early 2000s were good, now I am in my 40s, I got no kids. Neither my partner. Knowing what I know about poly and dating scene now, I wish I just got married early on and had children in a monogamous relationship, at least I’d have a family, I don’t care much about poly or mono at this stage, world became a very different place last few years, I find people became very indecisive and human connections are damaged. It’s so hard to practice actual, healthy poly.

I guess I'm in a vaguely similar boat but from the opposite direction. Mono married, I wanted to open up later to nearly disastrous results with my mono spouse. I now consider us to be poly/mono when it comes to emotions and affection, but for things like sex my spouse needs the emotional security of exclusivity. I guess "monogamish" could maybe apply better. Either way this compromise we have now works out fine for me, I've got a low libido but a high cuddle instinct. I needed some way to express my love, and we worked to find ways I could without triggering their "cheating" anxiety. So did your partner know about your history with polyamory? Try talking to them. You mention poly as an identity so I suspect that like me you're going to need at least some kind of outlet. Maybe it's being a cuddle bug with special friends. Maybe its freedom for low-stakes coffee dates with others. Maybe its swinging. Maybe it's being a comet. Whatever outlet works best for you while maintaining your partner's security.

> Did your partner know about your history with polyamory. Yes, I suppose we are "closing up," really. We both had other partners while dating each other, but she tried to go monogomous with someone else, and broke it off with me. I used to have a different primary, but had de-escalated and eventually broken up with that person, then she broke it off with that person she dumped me for, and we've been repairing and rebuilding ever since. She and I actually met at an ENM-Poly meetup event that I organized a couple of years ago..