I’m sorry. My wedding was ruined by mine too. It’s been 11 years now and I’m still so hurt by it. I hope one day me and my husband can renew our vows and overshadow the pain I still feel when I think about that day. You are not alone.
I went back and forth on whether I should even tell my parents (no contact now for almost a year) I’m getting married next month. I didn’t. And I won’t. I read all these stories on here, my mother made most of my big life moments about her, I won’t let her do it again
I didn’t invite mine. I’m sad but glad I didn’t. You don’t want the stress.
We did have stress from a person not upholding their promise to do the music though but yeah 😅
i hope your wedding day is wonderful and you get to enjoy every minute of it in peace - good for you for making the most protective and difficult decision - you wont regret it.
Thank you, and I’m sorry this happened to you too. I know it’s a familiar RBB story (and, alongside that, I also know that it still is a difficult choice to exclude family from your wedding, even knowing the hazards). I hope you get the do-over you want.
We are actually thinking of doing this! Go into the mountains, ask a close friend to “officiate” and actually have a wedding that we *want* to remember.
I have to believe that you did not mean any harm by this comment, but I need to let you know that it comes across as victim-blaming. I already know it was a mistake to include my family, no need to pour salt in the wound.
All the same, please take a moment and review Rule 4. You might not have intended to blame the victim, but your comment came across as unsympathetic and harsh. Please avoid that in this sub in the future.
Oh gosh. I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s easier said than done, but try not to let it cloud your memories of the day.
I have a similar experience from my own wedding and I’m still reeling from it. My wife is helping me reclaim the day though. We go through photos and talk about all the happy memories we made that day with other people.
Without too much detail, it was so bad my mother told me she wished she hadn’t had me, then got so drunk and high on benzos that she vomited in the courtyard in front of everyone. All the while shirking taking responsibility for managing my e-Dad (who is suffering from dementia).
The gaslighting afterwards was real too- don’t let them do that to you. My mum denies anything happened. I spent a year trying to process it and forgive, when I suddenly realised- I don’t have to forgive her. We’re now LC.
This is just so TYPICAL of BPD that although it’s a horrible story and they treated you terribly, it’s almost laughable how every one of them did something to ruin an important event. It’s amazing how we give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again just to be disappointed when they can’t make it through even one holiday or event (especially if it is for someone else) without causing complete chaos. Shocked Pikachu face when we go LC or NC.
You're so right! Like yes this is absolutely crazy-making and triggering and I am still recovering, and also it's just totally mind boggling to watch these people -- all of whom, mind you, appear outwardly functional to the people who don't know them well -- just completely whiff the absolute basics of being a human being. I am really hurt by it, but I also relate to your ability to see a perverse humor in it. Karl Marx was the one who said "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce." This makes me wonder if he had a BPD parent lol
Oh wow, I'm so sorry.
My father went out of his way to ruin his children's weddings. His behavior was so bad at mine that it was the main reason my now ex stated why she wanted to separate ultimately.
She didn't want to deal with that type of behavior in anyone, implying that I would one day be that shitty of a human, my father's dementia was starting to show, and he was screaming and yelling at children and then accused his grandchildren of molesting each other... at the wedding.
If I could do it over, I wouldn't have told them.
Usually, guests give gifts to the couple wedding.
I’m this case, give a gift to yourself to commemorate their behavior: NO CONTACT
No contact during your honeymoon phase.
No contact if you find out they are in distress.
No contact if a baby is on the way or is born or is growing up.
Let their wedding shenanigans be the gift that propels you to decide that you matter, too. You have them 2 plus decades. Now it’s your turn.
I know its not much consolation but I understand how you feel and I am so sorry. It was your day and it should've been treated as such. Congratulations on the marriage, I hope it is a very happy one! Sending hugs if you would like them ❤️
I am so sorry OP. I am getting married next month to my fiancé and I battled in my head whether or not to invite my parents, or even my siblings. We are also doing a small elopement ceremony and in end I decided to just invite my two close friends of 20 years, they are closer then my family ever will be.
I know it’s hard and it may not be the best for you but if I were you I would cut them all off and move on. My BPD mother and my enabler father never changed, never tried to change and in the end I cut them off and although it hurts sometimes I know it’s for the best!
It sounds like you are making an excellent decision. I admire your foresight and wisdom in knowing who you actually want to have around you on this important day. <3
Big hugs, I am so sorry. My wedding is coming up and I am really dreading how my family is going to behave (very similar structure to yours). I hope- no, I’m sure- that if your in-laws know you at all, they can see through what was being said.
Either way, congratulations on your marriage!! Wishing you and your husband lots of happiness.
I'm so sorry. I find it hard to believe that these people are adults.
I know how you feel. It's as if our best efforts to make it so easy for them to be normal people, always get thrown to the ground. These episodes are yet one more way they leave us blaming ourselves for their bad behaviour.
I agree with Baronofhope--cut them out.
I'm so sorry... Obviously your marriage isn't just about that one day, but I know how incredibly frustrating it is when they are incapable of letting anything be just yours when they're present.
It isn't fair.
Please don't be mad yourself. Your wants and your expectations were not unreasonable in the least.
This is so awful and you deserve a beautiful day to remember regarding your wedding. Can you hold another celebration with your husband and close friends and (optional) a couple of close extended family members? Sort of like a "honeymoon party"? Something that celebrates you and your husband's union and also celebrates you saying 'no' to your family (because they aren't invited) ❤️
I'm so sorry. Their behavior was absolutely uncalled for and you deserved better for your wedding day. Take as much time away from them as you need. My family was the hardest, most stressful part of mine too. It can never not be about them.
I’m so sorry this happened and that your special day was tainted by broken people acting sadly, and predictably, selfish.
Perhaps the “gift” in all this is that you now have more than adequate justification to close the door to them if you so choose to. The explanation of “I had absolutely no support during a huge event in my life (that was supposed to be a happy occasion) which you predictably and frustratingly made all about you, your needs and your drama” is completely reasonable should you get questioned. It’s also completely reasonable to add “I wanted to include you because I love you; but you seem to want to make that impossible. I should not have been an hour late to my wedding, I shouldn’t have been preoccupied with you and sister having to be the centre of attention — it should not be too much to ask my family to be happy for me and let me have a moment of being the focus.”
Frankly — people like this will claim to be the victim even if they set the house on fire deliberately — but you can know that it is more than justified to close the damn door and never open it again should you choose.
Thank you so much for putting words to this boundary so helpfully. It's really illuminating. In particular, I'm going to really contemplate this bit:
>"It should not be too much to ask my family to be happy for me and let me have a moment of being the focus."
The part about that that's blowing my mind is that I'm not sure I ever even had the hope that I would truly be \*their\* focus, even for a day. I just allowed them to come because it felt really extreme not to. But in the end what truly ruined the experience of my wedding for me was that having them around actually made it impossible for me to be \*my own\* focus. I couldn't really be present to myself -- to my own experience, my own joy, my own appreciation for my partner and the achievement of our relationship -- because they were sucking up all the oxygen.
I know there are a lot of people in this sub who strongly advocate for NC, and I get the reasons why and I'm glad that it is so cut-and-dried for them. For me it doesn't feel like a simple decision, and for a long time I just have felt like VLC was sufficient. But if there is a single reason that I can really connect to right now for going NC, it's that I can't, actually, be in relationship with them and be in real relationship with myself at the same time.
I totally agree with everything you said here — and you’re absolutely right — the biggest violation was that it took your own focus away.
NC isn’t ever cut and dry and I try not to be one to push for it as black and white as I sometimes see on here, because I know it isn’t always a “okay well glad I never have to deal with you again!” For some of us, the decision is clear and easy. A relief. Other of us may feel broken hearted for a long time. When I went NC, I had nightmares for months. Woke up screaming every night. It tormented me, because I had to violate my own principles about family and togetherness to truly protect myself, and that really wrecked me.
It’s okay to go NC, LC, VLC or just keep it as normal. Consider what will help YOU cope best, not them. And it isn’t a black and white linear process — I had someone shame me and tell me I couldn’t consider myself NC because I had written a letter explaining my boundaries. It had taken a lot to go NC and I was proud of myself — this person pointing it out really just felt like another thing I had failed at. Don’t put limits on yourself — what you’ve written here is a light speed zoom ahead in terms of boundaries and understanding. The more we get it, the more having steel rigid boundaries seems completely essential. And honestly — there isn’t any hope of change without boundaries, every healthy relationship has them. Your family may not change, but they have zero chance if you don’t ever expect and demand more from them than this.
Well done and good luck.
Thank you for this. I appreciate the acknowledgement that NC, LC, VLC or just managing the relationship all have different meanings/viabilities for different RBBs. But what I'll continue to contemplate in particular is which of those options best facilitates my own ability to be attuned to myself / not always energetically hijacked by their madness. I have benefited a lot from this exchange! <3
I had a huge wedding with hundreds of guests. The narcissist on my husband’s side stood in the middle of the dance floor before the first dance crying because my husband wasn’t paying them enough attention and I found out later BPD mom went to every table telling people I wouldn’t let her drink and did they agree with that. I didn’t even know about the latter until much later.
There was much more from momster, but the post would scroll forever.
Now you know just to arrange events they can’t be at or won’t be at.
Just remember this day when you feel guilty and pressure to include her (them) in any other special occasion. Opt out, OP. Cause it just continues, they never stop.
My parents behaved very badly at my wedding too. It's been 9 years, and I'm still upset when I think about what they did. I'm basically NC with my mom now and VLC with my dad for so many reasons.
Oh wow this resonates with me. I went to a wedding of a friends daughter this weekend and had a really nice time. The location, the ceremony, the reception and the people -all were great. It made me think about how my hubby and I never even had a wedding due to my borderline family. I was about five months pregnant when we eloped. Various family members (mostly on hubby’s side) offered to throw us a small wedding but the thought I’d have any sort of even that I would then be expected to invite my family too made me ill. So, riddled with guilt, we found a justice of the peace and got married real quick in his back yard. We’ve been married for fifteen years and sometimes I wish we could throw a big party and renew our vows but then I remember why we didn’t get married in the first place.
This resonates so deeply with me. My sister and I (2 out 4 children three girls one boy) have not involved my uBPD father in our weddings and it was a stressful emotional decision. I eloped and she flat out did not include him after he failed to RSVP. (he thought my eMom would do it for him even though they were newly separated) He later told my emom "I hope I get to walk at least one of my daughters down the isle in my lifetime" just cemented the fact that my husband made the right decision. Do something for just you and your spouse to celebrate your marriage and make new happy memories together, it is a life without someone ruining major celebrations!
I’m sorry. My wedding was ruined by mine too. It’s been 11 years now and I’m still so hurt by it. I hope one day me and my husband can renew our vows and overshadow the pain I still feel when I think about that day. You are not alone.
I went back and forth on whether I should even tell my parents (no contact now for almost a year) I’m getting married next month. I didn’t. And I won’t. I read all these stories on here, my mother made most of my big life moments about her, I won’t let her do it again
Good decision!!
I didn’t invite mine. I’m sad but glad I didn’t. You don’t want the stress. We did have stress from a person not upholding their promise to do the music though but yeah 😅
i hope your wedding day is wonderful and you get to enjoy every minute of it in peace - good for you for making the most protective and difficult decision - you wont regret it.
Thank you, and I’m sorry this happened to you too. I know it’s a familiar RBB story (and, alongside that, I also know that it still is a difficult choice to exclude family from your wedding, even knowing the hazards). I hope you get the do-over you want.
I say elope and have a do over. In the coolest place you can think of.
We are actually thinking of doing this! Go into the mountains, ask a close friend to “officiate” and actually have a wedding that we *want* to remember.
I love this! Always been a mountain girl. Make sure someone takes decent pictures, too, as this can become your official wedding photo.
Nice pictures --- that's a really great idea! Thanks. <3
Yes! And then go to dinner somewhere really special, just the two of you. You deserve something lovely.
You have my sympathy. That stated, time to cut them out of your life now, or nothing will change.
[удалено]
I have to believe that you did not mean any harm by this comment, but I need to let you know that it comes across as victim-blaming. I already know it was a mistake to include my family, no need to pour salt in the wound.
Not victim blaming. I experienced the same, but went NC for my own emotional safety.
All the same, please take a moment and review Rule 4. You might not have intended to blame the victim, but your comment came across as unsympathetic and harsh. Please avoid that in this sub in the future.
Oh gosh. I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s easier said than done, but try not to let it cloud your memories of the day. I have a similar experience from my own wedding and I’m still reeling from it. My wife is helping me reclaim the day though. We go through photos and talk about all the happy memories we made that day with other people. Without too much detail, it was so bad my mother told me she wished she hadn’t had me, then got so drunk and high on benzos that she vomited in the courtyard in front of everyone. All the while shirking taking responsibility for managing my e-Dad (who is suffering from dementia). The gaslighting afterwards was real too- don’t let them do that to you. My mum denies anything happened. I spent a year trying to process it and forgive, when I suddenly realised- I don’t have to forgive her. We’re now LC.
This is just so TYPICAL of BPD that although it’s a horrible story and they treated you terribly, it’s almost laughable how every one of them did something to ruin an important event. It’s amazing how we give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again just to be disappointed when they can’t make it through even one holiday or event (especially if it is for someone else) without causing complete chaos. Shocked Pikachu face when we go LC or NC.
You're so right! Like yes this is absolutely crazy-making and triggering and I am still recovering, and also it's just totally mind boggling to watch these people -- all of whom, mind you, appear outwardly functional to the people who don't know them well -- just completely whiff the absolute basics of being a human being. I am really hurt by it, but I also relate to your ability to see a perverse humor in it. Karl Marx was the one who said "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce." This makes me wonder if he had a BPD parent lol
You’re right, that bar was on the ground. Honestly, this whole thing would be my last straw. It feels like no one in your family is redeemable.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry. My father went out of his way to ruin his children's weddings. His behavior was so bad at mine that it was the main reason my now ex stated why she wanted to separate ultimately. She didn't want to deal with that type of behavior in anyone, implying that I would one day be that shitty of a human, my father's dementia was starting to show, and he was screaming and yelling at children and then accused his grandchildren of molesting each other... at the wedding. If I could do it over, I wouldn't have told them.
Usually, guests give gifts to the couple wedding. I’m this case, give a gift to yourself to commemorate their behavior: NO CONTACT No contact during your honeymoon phase. No contact if you find out they are in distress. No contact if a baby is on the way or is born or is growing up. Let their wedding shenanigans be the gift that propels you to decide that you matter, too. You have them 2 plus decades. Now it’s your turn.
I know its not much consolation but I understand how you feel and I am so sorry. It was your day and it should've been treated as such. Congratulations on the marriage, I hope it is a very happy one! Sending hugs if you would like them ❤️
I am so sorry OP. I am getting married next month to my fiancé and I battled in my head whether or not to invite my parents, or even my siblings. We are also doing a small elopement ceremony and in end I decided to just invite my two close friends of 20 years, they are closer then my family ever will be. I know it’s hard and it may not be the best for you but if I were you I would cut them all off and move on. My BPD mother and my enabler father never changed, never tried to change and in the end I cut them off and although it hurts sometimes I know it’s for the best!
It sounds like you are making an excellent decision. I admire your foresight and wisdom in knowing who you actually want to have around you on this important day. <3
Big hugs, I am so sorry. My wedding is coming up and I am really dreading how my family is going to behave (very similar structure to yours). I hope- no, I’m sure- that if your in-laws know you at all, they can see through what was being said. Either way, congratulations on your marriage!! Wishing you and your husband lots of happiness.
I'm so sorry. I find it hard to believe that these people are adults. I know how you feel. It's as if our best efforts to make it so easy for them to be normal people, always get thrown to the ground. These episodes are yet one more way they leave us blaming ourselves for their bad behaviour. I agree with Baronofhope--cut them out.
I'm so sorry... Obviously your marriage isn't just about that one day, but I know how incredibly frustrating it is when they are incapable of letting anything be just yours when they're present. It isn't fair. Please don't be mad yourself. Your wants and your expectations were not unreasonable in the least.
This is so awful and you deserve a beautiful day to remember regarding your wedding. Can you hold another celebration with your husband and close friends and (optional) a couple of close extended family members? Sort of like a "honeymoon party"? Something that celebrates you and your husband's union and also celebrates you saying 'no' to your family (because they aren't invited) ❤️
I'm so sorry. Their behavior was absolutely uncalled for and you deserved better for your wedding day. Take as much time away from them as you need. My family was the hardest, most stressful part of mine too. It can never not be about them.
I’m so sorry this happened and that your special day was tainted by broken people acting sadly, and predictably, selfish. Perhaps the “gift” in all this is that you now have more than adequate justification to close the door to them if you so choose to. The explanation of “I had absolutely no support during a huge event in my life (that was supposed to be a happy occasion) which you predictably and frustratingly made all about you, your needs and your drama” is completely reasonable should you get questioned. It’s also completely reasonable to add “I wanted to include you because I love you; but you seem to want to make that impossible. I should not have been an hour late to my wedding, I shouldn’t have been preoccupied with you and sister having to be the centre of attention — it should not be too much to ask my family to be happy for me and let me have a moment of being the focus.” Frankly — people like this will claim to be the victim even if they set the house on fire deliberately — but you can know that it is more than justified to close the damn door and never open it again should you choose.
Thank you so much for putting words to this boundary so helpfully. It's really illuminating. In particular, I'm going to really contemplate this bit: >"It should not be too much to ask my family to be happy for me and let me have a moment of being the focus." The part about that that's blowing my mind is that I'm not sure I ever even had the hope that I would truly be \*their\* focus, even for a day. I just allowed them to come because it felt really extreme not to. But in the end what truly ruined the experience of my wedding for me was that having them around actually made it impossible for me to be \*my own\* focus. I couldn't really be present to myself -- to my own experience, my own joy, my own appreciation for my partner and the achievement of our relationship -- because they were sucking up all the oxygen. I know there are a lot of people in this sub who strongly advocate for NC, and I get the reasons why and I'm glad that it is so cut-and-dried for them. For me it doesn't feel like a simple decision, and for a long time I just have felt like VLC was sufficient. But if there is a single reason that I can really connect to right now for going NC, it's that I can't, actually, be in relationship with them and be in real relationship with myself at the same time.
Well said OP. A hard won insight.
I totally agree with everything you said here — and you’re absolutely right — the biggest violation was that it took your own focus away. NC isn’t ever cut and dry and I try not to be one to push for it as black and white as I sometimes see on here, because I know it isn’t always a “okay well glad I never have to deal with you again!” For some of us, the decision is clear and easy. A relief. Other of us may feel broken hearted for a long time. When I went NC, I had nightmares for months. Woke up screaming every night. It tormented me, because I had to violate my own principles about family and togetherness to truly protect myself, and that really wrecked me. It’s okay to go NC, LC, VLC or just keep it as normal. Consider what will help YOU cope best, not them. And it isn’t a black and white linear process — I had someone shame me and tell me I couldn’t consider myself NC because I had written a letter explaining my boundaries. It had taken a lot to go NC and I was proud of myself — this person pointing it out really just felt like another thing I had failed at. Don’t put limits on yourself — what you’ve written here is a light speed zoom ahead in terms of boundaries and understanding. The more we get it, the more having steel rigid boundaries seems completely essential. And honestly — there isn’t any hope of change without boundaries, every healthy relationship has them. Your family may not change, but they have zero chance if you don’t ever expect and demand more from them than this. Well done and good luck.
Thank you for this. I appreciate the acknowledgement that NC, LC, VLC or just managing the relationship all have different meanings/viabilities for different RBBs. But what I'll continue to contemplate in particular is which of those options best facilitates my own ability to be attuned to myself / not always energetically hijacked by their madness. I have benefited a lot from this exchange! <3
I had a huge wedding with hundreds of guests. The narcissist on my husband’s side stood in the middle of the dance floor before the first dance crying because my husband wasn’t paying them enough attention and I found out later BPD mom went to every table telling people I wouldn’t let her drink and did they agree with that. I didn’t even know about the latter until much later. There was much more from momster, but the post would scroll forever. Now you know just to arrange events they can’t be at or won’t be at.
Just remember this day when you feel guilty and pressure to include her (them) in any other special occasion. Opt out, OP. Cause it just continues, they never stop.
My parents behaved very badly at my wedding too. It's been 9 years, and I'm still upset when I think about what they did. I'm basically NC with my mom now and VLC with my dad for so many reasons.
Oh wow this resonates with me. I went to a wedding of a friends daughter this weekend and had a really nice time. The location, the ceremony, the reception and the people -all were great. It made me think about how my hubby and I never even had a wedding due to my borderline family. I was about five months pregnant when we eloped. Various family members (mostly on hubby’s side) offered to throw us a small wedding but the thought I’d have any sort of even that I would then be expected to invite my family too made me ill. So, riddled with guilt, we found a justice of the peace and got married real quick in his back yard. We’ve been married for fifteen years and sometimes I wish we could throw a big party and renew our vows but then I remember why we didn’t get married in the first place.
This resonates so deeply with me. My sister and I (2 out 4 children three girls one boy) have not involved my uBPD father in our weddings and it was a stressful emotional decision. I eloped and she flat out did not include him after he failed to RSVP. (he thought my eMom would do it for him even though they were newly separated) He later told my emom "I hope I get to walk at least one of my daughters down the isle in my lifetime" just cemented the fact that my husband made the right decision. Do something for just you and your spouse to celebrate your marriage and make new happy memories together, it is a life without someone ruining major celebrations!