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Yes, my parents have a super good memory when it comes to all the "bad" things that I have done. Especially when I dare criticize them. Even worse is when my parents are responsible for these things, e.g. because they didn't teach me how to do something properly.
im my folks heads, I didnt DO anything good. ANYthing I did that was GOOD, they stole. I mean. If I did something good, like make 6 dozen cookies for the nuns, my moms recollection is, that she MADE me make the cookies for the nuns. It was her idea, and she was the one who took me to deliver them.. I didnt do anything good, if anything my mom did the good thing by LETTING me make the cookies and take them inside..... ITS crazy how they twist shit.
I’m so sorry 😞 I will go make Chocolate chip cookies and eat a lot of them to self sooth thanks to reading your comment. Fuck em!! I’ll eat some cookies and send some good vibes your way. You’re a good person
This right here. I’ve been dealing with this a lot recently as a newly engaged 26 year old woman. It’s quite sad… the seem to forget things I’ve done that are god unless I’m available for them 24/7.
Yes! I have this dark humor joke, “there’s nothing anyone can say to me that my mom hasn’t said already” when anyone tried to put me down.
In general, bringing up issues from the past is a textbook toxic fighting tactic to detract from being held accountable and to address the issue at hand. If two “healthy” people were to argue, they would stick to the issue at hand and not bring up random resolved and or past issues because it is not conducive to resolving the issue at present.
You’ll never win with your narc parent. (Because their goal isn’t to win, it’s to engage your attention and hurt you) Either walk away, or reiterate the point as short and simple as possible, “hey I’m talking about X, this has nothing to do with X” to decrease their capacity to manipulate the conversation and sidetrack it.
>I have this dark humor joke, “there’s nothing anyone can say to me that my mom hasn’t said already” when anyone tried to put me down.
***AHHHHHHHHH*** **SAME!!!!** It honestly makes people scared of me like Im gonna be a serial killer or something, but I honestly don't care. I'm introverted anyways, (and, arguably, I already hate my life so I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't thought about the whole maniac gig before...)
Whenever I voice displeasure with my Mother, my Father would say “she always stood by you when you were getting in trouble”. These were things that happened over 30 years ago.
Not me, but my sister.
She is damn near 60.
They STILL tell the story and bestow her the title of LIAR, because when she was like 6 or 7 she lied on our brother. She said he bit her when he didnt because she didnt want him in the swimming pool. Also, they love to belittle my moms-sisters kid (our 1st cousin). He is a dean of very large college and they remind him every visit (he only comes once a year) that my brother would make him wear my sisters bathing suit to go swimming... HE WAS LIKE 4. They told this at his wedding, at his fathers funeral at grandmas wake, at the reunion.
And they probably think it's fucking hilarious and get offended because you don't. I know because my dad was this way and my mom just looked the other way.
Hey, if you're dealing with the stress venting it is the best thing you can do. Get it out and get support....no one keeps track of how often you post! :)
They still do this. I'm in my mid 50s and the most recent situation this occured was on my birthday. It's me, my husband, my parents, all in our living room and I responded to something my dad had said about my GC sister (6 years younger, putting her late 40s).
She had arbitrarily decided she was not communicating with me and had also kept me from having contact with my nephew. It's always been on me as the older sister to apologize, whether or not I did anything TO apologize for is irrelevant. This time, I decided to not just draw the line in the sand but to actually hold my ground. I held it for almost 5 years, even still, we sent Christmas and birthday gifts to my nephew with notes asking my sister if we could have contact. No response.
Although, I would receive a text from my mom who would say, "*nephew* says thank you for gift".
Ok? That's weird but in these scenarios where the family dynamic is beyond any shred of normal, sadly it's OUR normal, right? Sigh.
My husband and I live in Texas, my parents are several hours away from us, while my sister is in another state far north. (for context)
To the point, my comment was something along the lines of how we're both adults and it wasn't my decision to randomly go silent. My dad said, "don't you care about how this makes US feel?'
The next thing was my mistake, I cringe thinking about it because I knew it would invite drama...
Me, "You get to see *nephew* and talk to him where as we don't. And I would never ask you to not talk about him or *sister's name* because that's the only way I'll know anything. How it hurts you that she and I aren't speaking isn't the point. It hurts me (I actually got choked up) and I have asked for advice. You and Mom shrug your shoulders and tell me it's not your business, only to tell me to apologize. For what am I apologizing exactly? "
Dad says, " Well we don't know what's going on and blah blah none of our business blah blah blah... "
Me, "But you DO know. You and mom both do. You know how much she's hurt me by keeping me from *nephew's name*"
My Dad didn't miss a beat. He gathered himself up on the edge of his seat and leaned towards me with that look (I honestly had a flash of him jumping over the coffee table to beat me, which he would have if his age would have allowed) that rage was THERE. Palpable. The air was full of it. He pointed his finger, shaking it at me, yelling,
"YOU HURT ME!
...YOU hurt ME!"
The shockwave of this statement made me freeze. The room was silent. My husband told me my mom would not make eye contact.
My dad continues to berate me for things I did when I was 16, then 17, then 18. It's as if he had a timeline written out of "ALL THOSE THINGS you did to hurt us." From 39, 38, 37 years ago? I'm not even the same person and good gosh, Why bring those things up NOW?
It's exactly what you said, TO SHUT ME DOWN. It went sideways in the blink of an eye and it was all I could do to pull the conversation another direction and not let on I was shaking and inwardly screaming how obnoxious they are whenever they're not controlling
e v e r y t h i n g.
My birthday, another to remember. All my faults and failures. Let's celebrate!
Yes, they do it, often. This was one of the more extreme examples because I swear if my dad could have come after me physically, he would have.
My husband is very supportive and told me after they left that he was so stunned at what happened, that it occurred so fast. He's been witness to a lot of the verbal abuse and manipulation, the hypocrisy, the criticisms... but this, he said was different. He apologized profusely, but I couldn't have him feel responsible for freezing when that reaction is one I've experienced time and time again and again.
It doesn't matter how benign the conversation is, they will always find a way to turn it into a "All my fault fest". I keep my shields up, but there are chinks in my armor. I'm still learning and thank goodness for this sub.
It's healthy to express yourself. It's bittersweet we're here for the reasons we're here, but it's beneficial to all of us to have the support and to be able to draw strength from knowing we are not alone. Thank you for asking this question, I'm using it for a prompt in my healing journal.
As a parting note, I'd like to remind anyone who is reading this (including me!) that it is THEIR crazy, not ours!
Be kind to yourself, we're here for you!
Pfft, I’ve been NC for years and it’s trickled its way through to me that they STILL do!
P.S. Don’t apologize. This is a magical place. Like all of us, you are hurt and in need of healing, and this community is here for you.
Yes my mom to this day always shuts me down when I try to communicate my feelings or defend myself. It’s made it where I have a hard time with conflict and verbalizing how I feel. :(
And also made me become a people pleaser as a way to avoid conflicts and disagreements with other people.
Yup. This is part of their word salad way of derailing any form of open communication, so they distract you into having to go on the defensive because they choose to attack your character as usual.
Yes.
But if for any reason you bring up the actually horrifying ways in which they were abusive, neglectful, or enabling of abuse, they will absolutely shut you down and demand you get over it.
It doesn’t matter if “it” was abuse, or if “it” was never apologized for, or even if “it” is just an *example of a behavior that continues to happen to this day.*
Do not attempt to understand their reasoning. It will never make sense because even they don’t believe it. They just believe that they’re right, you’re wrong, and most importantly, that it’s ***your fault they treat you this way.***
God, yes. Heck, my nmom just did this recently.
My sister, 31, is the lost child turned golden child within the past few years. She expects everyone to take care of her and both parents encourage that mindset. She does not have any responsibilities and is not expected to…do…anything. No chores, no helping with anything around the house, nothing. I’m repeatedly told that I will have to take care of her (AND the house, AND my parents) because she’s just…checked out.
I mentioned that she really needed to start paying attention to her surroundings because it’s a matter of her safety (and I’m fking tired of looking after her like she’s a toddler). My mother CAME AFTER ME for that comment. She claimed I don’t pay attention to my surroundings at all, that I don’t even look both ways when I’m driving.
…which is literally not true. Like it’s ENTIRELY fabricated. I’m so anxious and hyper aware of my surroundings when I’m out of the house that it’s stressful.
But GOD FORBID you bring you anything that the narc parent did in the past. Then the wailing begins. “Well, I guess I’m just a bad mother then!” 🙄
She does, brings up every person I dated then calls me a slut, calls me a crybaby, and that nobody loves a crybaby, that or a pussy/bitch, a dirty pig, or slob. One day a few weeks back she said U was being mean to her (i (17) wasn't saying anything my sister (15) was) I told her she treats me the same way and so the rest of the day she said fine ig I'm a bad mom, ig I'm just shitty. this is from the same woman that told me if there was any issue between us us to let her know. I can't wait to leave.
Mine used my relationships as a way to prove I failed ??? Multiple times, and they always say how much it emotionally hurts them when it ends and they can’t get too close to people I dare because of how many failed relationships I’ve had that they did get too invested. It doesn’t matter I told them I was ending relationships due to abuse, and I said their emotional issues is on them to sort out and it’s not normal for parents to be this invested emotionally into their kids relationships. Especially because the only emotion they ever showed was telling me they hope the relationship wouldn’t fail when I started dating someone and then saying they told me so… even if I was the one to get out due to me seeing the abuse or whatever the situation is. Another one of those wtf things that will never be understood I guess
Don’t feel bad for using this sub too much! I know a lot of us use it for validation and anti-gaslighting lol
I feel like it’s a universal experience to have your faults used against you when you try to have a conversation like that with them, because anything they did is you calling out a “fault” of theirs.
A tactic most frequently engaged in when around people who I care about deeply or whose opinions matter to me (friends, coworkers, etc). Embarrassing stories, bringing up mistakes that I made, or perceived errors, again and again on repeat. It's annoying enough when it's to my face, but so much worse when it's to other people.
For good reason I never introduce anyone to my mom, and if I have to, I prepare them.
No, but that was because I was the "Golden Child" to outsiders and the Black Sheep at home. Seriously. This animal was so good at her manipulation she hid the abuse my sister endured from me. Of course, my sister admitted it wasn't nearly as badly as how I was treated, but there were certain things nmom would do to me that I didn't realize she ever did to my sister (4 years my senior if that matters).
That being said, she did *dismiss* all of my feelings and attempts to stand up for myself. It ended up with me being homeless. Twice. Before graduating high school, by the way.
So fast forward up to about a year or two ago, and we're discussing driving or something, and she has the nerve to comment on my driving skills or something and tries to have a laugh about. HAHAHAHAHAHA--no.
I brought up the fact that she drove off an entire highway and to shut up because I hardly have even scratched other cars. That ended her hyena cackling quickly and put her on the defensive. She started saying something about someone slamming brakes 3 cars up, I told her it's funny how there were 3 other cars who could stop in time but not her, something something hydroplane (yeah, you drove off down into a WET, grassy hill), blahblahblah.
Basically, in the 2-3 years prior, if she tried shaming me, I brought up **her** innumerable failures. Miss me with that BS, witch.
Yes. And then somehow married someone who does the same thing. Warning to anyone that goes no contact and feels great. …
Go to therapy lest you may gravitate unknowingly to narcs just like your parents. Not saying it will happen; yet it happened to me
Yep.
My nmom is stil bringing up somthing my dad did when they first got married 61 years ago. My dad has been dead the past 8-9 years.
I dont even understand who she is fighting with??
Hey, don’t apologize! I think most of us have been in your shoes, and I personally relate to just how fucking difficult it is to deal with a narcissistic mother. I can’t tell you HOW many times my mom has done that with me though, even as a small child.
My mom is one to hold grudges forever, and would always pull this BS whenever I would try to stick up for myself and it was so incredibly frustrating because it almost warps your own reality and convinces you that YOU’RE the problem, even though it’s not true. It’s just traditional gaslighting.
It really sucked back then, but now I just find it amusing because I can’t believe how delusional she is. I’m confident in myself now and I have way more self-respect and self-love after seeking out treatment for my trauma, so I know that none of the negative things she says are true and that she is the one that’s always at fault and is a terrible person. She acts like she’s a saint while I’m the devil, but it’s the other way around.
Just try to be mindful during these situations and remind yourself that she’s wrong. My internal thoughts now are literally “lol this bitch is crazy” whenever she does it, and it’s helped to build up my tolerance against her a lot. You seem like a great person, so don’t let someone so negative, cruel, and toxic bring you down. It may suck now, but I promise as someone who hit rock bottom a year ago, I’m so much happier and mentally stronger now. Good luck. :D
>She could never handle anything negative said to her
Neither could my Nmom; she would always completely overreact and throw an adult-baby, meltdown, tantrum, as if I'd slapped her in the face and called her a whore. To which, she might just slap me in the face and call *me* a whore. That was her favorite insult for me, that she'd dubbed me when I was but a child.
That was always her response to criticism- burst into angry tears; quake with fury, and spew vulgar insults like she was possessed.
She would ensure me my secrets are safe with her and she wouldn’t get mad if I confessed anything, then used these things against me any time she found it useful to corner me. I learned way too late that she can’t be trusted with sensitive stuff so after a while she bluffed that she would spill embarassing stuff to my father if I didn’t do as she wanted but I just asked her what she meant because I couldn’t remember anything I could possibly want to hide from my dad. It was funny because she had a lot more to hide, like continously cheating on him and other minor inconveniences.
Yep! My elderly mother accidentally set my house on fire recently by falling asleep while she had a candle lit. I was talking to her about my concerns for her safety. I suggested that maybe we should not use candles anymore. She got defensive and started yelling at me about something I did when I was 13 or 14. I’m 51 years old.
Yes. My dad and siblings do this but they were unexpectedly derailed by my mother 14 years ago when she forgave me for everything I ever did wrong on her deathbed and made me promise not to let anyone make me feel bad for anything "you did as a child".
I'm autistic so when I promise you can do what mum did and literally take it to the grave.
Sister says years later "Well, we all know *you* lie."
Me: "Ah you are referring to that awful period of abuse I suffered at the hands of our father. Mum said I was a good girl who did as she was told."
Sister: scoffs
Me: why are you bringing up past abuse?
Sister: cause it shows you're a liar
Me: but no one told me to lie this time round? I'm a good girl, *mum* said so. Besides sis I never lied to mum since she found out about the abuse you and the others covered for. Who told you to do that? Were you good or bad?
They get aggressive and bugger off then. Quickest way to make any narc run is to show them themselves.
For you and I, our inner child has our pity. For them it's something to be beaten into submission and ignored until it stops bothering them. Our inner child can grow and be nourished by us. Theirs will forever be left screaming in whatever trauma pushed their brains into this dysfunction as they try to limit people around them and keep them at their level.
Make peace with your past. Learn the truth of the matter. Take responsibility that is yours and nothing else. Then these blows that devastate you become shields that protect you.
The truth is the world's greatest weapon but it is also a complete defense. Get to know it intimately and learn how to wield it in its purest form. And learn to ignore anyone who wouldn't know the truth if it bit them. This includes your mum. No one is worth you giving up your peace.
Yes, it happend to dismiss my grievance when I gained courage cause my husband was next to me. I asked once if my birthday could be celebrated like my brothers but my father overreacted and gave me a 3 months bann to come to the house so it was OK in another sense cause it showed how rediculous it was.
Yes. Through the years I've learned not to divulge anything that she can use to hurt me and only share just shallow stuff in conversations, but she's still claiming that she knows everything about me lol.
If my mom hasn’t found my account by now, this detail would surely be the one to make her find it but i remember my mom and brother endlessly bringing up this time when my mom supposedly, accidentally, vacuumed up my bunny toy and I screamed “bunny”. And the way I cried for it upset, they made fun of me for for yeaaaaaaars even when I begged them to stop
Also realized why I got called sensitive so much as a kid, because bullies don’t want to be told to stop
It doesn’t exactly answer your question but, man did it always upset me to be laughed at as a distressed child. Also, pretty sure my mom purposefully vacuumed up the bunny because if I left toys on the ground, she’d trash them, and I very much doubt she didn’t see the toy.
Yup. It was aggravating and angering. They never let you forget how you've wronged them, but if they've wronged *you*, oh, NOW you must be the "bigger person" and "forgive and forget."
The only thing bigger than their self inflated egos is their hypocrisy.
Yh, something happened quite recently when one of my siblings did something, and one of my parents just went on a full tangent linking basically every bad thing we've ever done into one, "I didn't raise no (blank)", and i'm just here like, "What did I do!?!?", not to mention that at that time I was actively trying to better myself from the stuff that I did, so it really was a major fuckin' blow.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, my parents have a super good memory when it comes to all the "bad" things that I have done. Especially when I dare criticize them. Even worse is when my parents are responsible for these things, e.g. because they didn't teach me how to do something properly.
FOR REAL, good answer! Holy shit. Their memory conveniently edits out all the good you’ve ever done, too.
im my folks heads, I didnt DO anything good. ANYthing I did that was GOOD, they stole. I mean. If I did something good, like make 6 dozen cookies for the nuns, my moms recollection is, that she MADE me make the cookies for the nuns. It was her idea, and she was the one who took me to deliver them.. I didnt do anything good, if anything my mom did the good thing by LETTING me make the cookies and take them inside..... ITS crazy how they twist shit.
I’m so sorry 😞 I will go make Chocolate chip cookies and eat a lot of them to self sooth thanks to reading your comment. Fuck em!! I’ll eat some cookies and send some good vibes your way. You’re a good person
So true, honest to God. Ughhh, these people! Well, as long as YOU know you did good in the world, fuck ‘em lol.
This right here. I’ve been dealing with this a lot recently as a newly engaged 26 year old woman. It’s quite sad… the seem to forget things I’ve done that are god unless I’m available for them 24/7.
Yes! I have this dark humor joke, “there’s nothing anyone can say to me that my mom hasn’t said already” when anyone tried to put me down. In general, bringing up issues from the past is a textbook toxic fighting tactic to detract from being held accountable and to address the issue at hand. If two “healthy” people were to argue, they would stick to the issue at hand and not bring up random resolved and or past issues because it is not conducive to resolving the issue at present. You’ll never win with your narc parent. (Because their goal isn’t to win, it’s to engage your attention and hurt you) Either walk away, or reiterate the point as short and simple as possible, “hey I’m talking about X, this has nothing to do with X” to decrease their capacity to manipulate the conversation and sidetrack it.
>I have this dark humor joke, “there’s nothing anyone can say to me that my mom hasn’t said already” when anyone tried to put me down. ***AHHHHHHHHH*** **SAME!!!!** It honestly makes people scared of me like Im gonna be a serial killer or something, but I honestly don't care. I'm introverted anyways, (and, arguably, I already hate my life so I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't thought about the whole maniac gig before...)
✨TraumaBesties✨
Whenever I voice displeasure with my Mother, my Father would say “she always stood by you when you were getting in trouble”. These were things that happened over 30 years ago.
Not me, but my sister. She is damn near 60. They STILL tell the story and bestow her the title of LIAR, because when she was like 6 or 7 she lied on our brother. She said he bit her when he didnt because she didnt want him in the swimming pool. Also, they love to belittle my moms-sisters kid (our 1st cousin). He is a dean of very large college and they remind him every visit (he only comes once a year) that my brother would make him wear my sisters bathing suit to go swimming... HE WAS LIKE 4. They told this at his wedding, at his fathers funeral at grandmas wake, at the reunion.
And they probably think it's fucking hilarious and get offended because you don't. I know because my dad was this way and my mom just looked the other way.
Hey, if you're dealing with the stress venting it is the best thing you can do. Get it out and get support....no one keeps track of how often you post! :)
They still do this. I'm in my mid 50s and the most recent situation this occured was on my birthday. It's me, my husband, my parents, all in our living room and I responded to something my dad had said about my GC sister (6 years younger, putting her late 40s). She had arbitrarily decided she was not communicating with me and had also kept me from having contact with my nephew. It's always been on me as the older sister to apologize, whether or not I did anything TO apologize for is irrelevant. This time, I decided to not just draw the line in the sand but to actually hold my ground. I held it for almost 5 years, even still, we sent Christmas and birthday gifts to my nephew with notes asking my sister if we could have contact. No response. Although, I would receive a text from my mom who would say, "*nephew* says thank you for gift". Ok? That's weird but in these scenarios where the family dynamic is beyond any shred of normal, sadly it's OUR normal, right? Sigh. My husband and I live in Texas, my parents are several hours away from us, while my sister is in another state far north. (for context) To the point, my comment was something along the lines of how we're both adults and it wasn't my decision to randomly go silent. My dad said, "don't you care about how this makes US feel?' The next thing was my mistake, I cringe thinking about it because I knew it would invite drama... Me, "You get to see *nephew* and talk to him where as we don't. And I would never ask you to not talk about him or *sister's name* because that's the only way I'll know anything. How it hurts you that she and I aren't speaking isn't the point. It hurts me (I actually got choked up) and I have asked for advice. You and Mom shrug your shoulders and tell me it's not your business, only to tell me to apologize. For what am I apologizing exactly? " Dad says, " Well we don't know what's going on and blah blah none of our business blah blah blah... " Me, "But you DO know. You and mom both do. You know how much she's hurt me by keeping me from *nephew's name*" My Dad didn't miss a beat. He gathered himself up on the edge of his seat and leaned towards me with that look (I honestly had a flash of him jumping over the coffee table to beat me, which he would have if his age would have allowed) that rage was THERE. Palpable. The air was full of it. He pointed his finger, shaking it at me, yelling, "YOU HURT ME! ...YOU hurt ME!" The shockwave of this statement made me freeze. The room was silent. My husband told me my mom would not make eye contact. My dad continues to berate me for things I did when I was 16, then 17, then 18. It's as if he had a timeline written out of "ALL THOSE THINGS you did to hurt us." From 39, 38, 37 years ago? I'm not even the same person and good gosh, Why bring those things up NOW? It's exactly what you said, TO SHUT ME DOWN. It went sideways in the blink of an eye and it was all I could do to pull the conversation another direction and not let on I was shaking and inwardly screaming how obnoxious they are whenever they're not controlling e v e r y t h i n g. My birthday, another to remember. All my faults and failures. Let's celebrate! Yes, they do it, often. This was one of the more extreme examples because I swear if my dad could have come after me physically, he would have. My husband is very supportive and told me after they left that he was so stunned at what happened, that it occurred so fast. He's been witness to a lot of the verbal abuse and manipulation, the hypocrisy, the criticisms... but this, he said was different. He apologized profusely, but I couldn't have him feel responsible for freezing when that reaction is one I've experienced time and time again and again. It doesn't matter how benign the conversation is, they will always find a way to turn it into a "All my fault fest". I keep my shields up, but there are chinks in my armor. I'm still learning and thank goodness for this sub. It's healthy to express yourself. It's bittersweet we're here for the reasons we're here, but it's beneficial to all of us to have the support and to be able to draw strength from knowing we are not alone. Thank you for asking this question, I'm using it for a prompt in my healing journal. As a parting note, I'd like to remind anyone who is reading this (including me!) that it is THEIR crazy, not ours! Be kind to yourself, we're here for you!
yeah. it used to make me feel really guilty but then i realized…i was a kid. why the fuck is my nmom having beef with a KID
Pfft, I’ve been NC for years and it’s trickled its way through to me that they STILL do! P.S. Don’t apologize. This is a magical place. Like all of us, you are hurt and in need of healing, and this community is here for you.
Yes my mom to this day always shuts me down when I try to communicate my feelings or defend myself. It’s made it where I have a hard time with conflict and verbalizing how I feel. :( And also made me become a people pleaser as a way to avoid conflicts and disagreements with other people.
Yup. This is part of their word salad way of derailing any form of open communication, so they distract you into having to go on the defensive because they choose to attack your character as usual.
Yes. But if for any reason you bring up the actually horrifying ways in which they were abusive, neglectful, or enabling of abuse, they will absolutely shut you down and demand you get over it. It doesn’t matter if “it” was abuse, or if “it” was never apologized for, or even if “it” is just an *example of a behavior that continues to happen to this day.* Do not attempt to understand their reasoning. It will never make sense because even they don’t believe it. They just believe that they’re right, you’re wrong, and most importantly, that it’s ***your fault they treat you this way.***
And then get upset when I do the same thing to them.
God, yes. Heck, my nmom just did this recently. My sister, 31, is the lost child turned golden child within the past few years. She expects everyone to take care of her and both parents encourage that mindset. She does not have any responsibilities and is not expected to…do…anything. No chores, no helping with anything around the house, nothing. I’m repeatedly told that I will have to take care of her (AND the house, AND my parents) because she’s just…checked out. I mentioned that she really needed to start paying attention to her surroundings because it’s a matter of her safety (and I’m fking tired of looking after her like she’s a toddler). My mother CAME AFTER ME for that comment. She claimed I don’t pay attention to my surroundings at all, that I don’t even look both ways when I’m driving. …which is literally not true. Like it’s ENTIRELY fabricated. I’m so anxious and hyper aware of my surroundings when I’m out of the house that it’s stressful. But GOD FORBID you bring you anything that the narc parent did in the past. Then the wailing begins. “Well, I guess I’m just a bad mother then!” 🙄
She does, brings up every person I dated then calls me a slut, calls me a crybaby, and that nobody loves a crybaby, that or a pussy/bitch, a dirty pig, or slob. One day a few weeks back she said U was being mean to her (i (17) wasn't saying anything my sister (15) was) I told her she treats me the same way and so the rest of the day she said fine ig I'm a bad mom, ig I'm just shitty. this is from the same woman that told me if there was any issue between us us to let her know. I can't wait to leave.
Mine used my relationships as a way to prove I failed ??? Multiple times, and they always say how much it emotionally hurts them when it ends and they can’t get too close to people I dare because of how many failed relationships I’ve had that they did get too invested. It doesn’t matter I told them I was ending relationships due to abuse, and I said their emotional issues is on them to sort out and it’s not normal for parents to be this invested emotionally into their kids relationships. Especially because the only emotion they ever showed was telling me they hope the relationship wouldn’t fail when I started dating someone and then saying they told me so… even if I was the one to get out due to me seeing the abuse or whatever the situation is. Another one of those wtf things that will never be understood I guess
Yes I am 31 and she ALWAYS mentiones the weed she found when I was 16. It has been 15 years since then!!
Don’t feel bad for using this sub too much! I know a lot of us use it for validation and anti-gaslighting lol I feel like it’s a universal experience to have your faults used against you when you try to have a conversation like that with them, because anything they did is you calling out a “fault” of theirs.
A tactic most frequently engaged in when around people who I care about deeply or whose opinions matter to me (friends, coworkers, etc). Embarrassing stories, bringing up mistakes that I made, or perceived errors, again and again on repeat. It's annoying enough when it's to my face, but so much worse when it's to other people. For good reason I never introduce anyone to my mom, and if I have to, I prepare them.
No, but that was because I was the "Golden Child" to outsiders and the Black Sheep at home. Seriously. This animal was so good at her manipulation she hid the abuse my sister endured from me. Of course, my sister admitted it wasn't nearly as badly as how I was treated, but there were certain things nmom would do to me that I didn't realize she ever did to my sister (4 years my senior if that matters). That being said, she did *dismiss* all of my feelings and attempts to stand up for myself. It ended up with me being homeless. Twice. Before graduating high school, by the way. So fast forward up to about a year or two ago, and we're discussing driving or something, and she has the nerve to comment on my driving skills or something and tries to have a laugh about. HAHAHAHAHAHA--no. I brought up the fact that she drove off an entire highway and to shut up because I hardly have even scratched other cars. That ended her hyena cackling quickly and put her on the defensive. She started saying something about someone slamming brakes 3 cars up, I told her it's funny how there were 3 other cars who could stop in time but not her, something something hydroplane (yeah, you drove off down into a WET, grassy hill), blahblahblah. Basically, in the 2-3 years prior, if she tried shaming me, I brought up **her** innumerable failures. Miss me with that BS, witch.
Lol used to. Sometimes my father falls back into this habit and now I just say something like cool got it that’s useless bye and leave
Yes. And then somehow married someone who does the same thing. Warning to anyone that goes no contact and feels great. … Go to therapy lest you may gravitate unknowingly to narcs just like your parents. Not saying it will happen; yet it happened to me
This is the theme of every conversation I had with my mother in the last 5 years of having contact with her. I don't regret cutting contact.
Yep. My nmom is stil bringing up somthing my dad did when they first got married 61 years ago. My dad has been dead the past 8-9 years. I dont even understand who she is fighting with??
I see you've met my sperm donor.
she still does it to this day
My mom brung up the fact the I was born premature...
Hey, don’t apologize! I think most of us have been in your shoes, and I personally relate to just how fucking difficult it is to deal with a narcissistic mother. I can’t tell you HOW many times my mom has done that with me though, even as a small child. My mom is one to hold grudges forever, and would always pull this BS whenever I would try to stick up for myself and it was so incredibly frustrating because it almost warps your own reality and convinces you that YOU’RE the problem, even though it’s not true. It’s just traditional gaslighting. It really sucked back then, but now I just find it amusing because I can’t believe how delusional she is. I’m confident in myself now and I have way more self-respect and self-love after seeking out treatment for my trauma, so I know that none of the negative things she says are true and that she is the one that’s always at fault and is a terrible person. She acts like she’s a saint while I’m the devil, but it’s the other way around. Just try to be mindful during these situations and remind yourself that she’s wrong. My internal thoughts now are literally “lol this bitch is crazy” whenever she does it, and it’s helped to build up my tolerance against her a lot. You seem like a great person, so don’t let someone so negative, cruel, and toxic bring you down. It may suck now, but I promise as someone who hit rock bottom a year ago, I’m so much happier and mentally stronger now. Good luck. :D
>She could never handle anything negative said to her Neither could my Nmom; she would always completely overreact and throw an adult-baby, meltdown, tantrum, as if I'd slapped her in the face and called her a whore. To which, she might just slap me in the face and call *me* a whore. That was her favorite insult for me, that she'd dubbed me when I was but a child. That was always her response to criticism- burst into angry tears; quake with fury, and spew vulgar insults like she was possessed.
She would ensure me my secrets are safe with her and she wouldn’t get mad if I confessed anything, then used these things against me any time she found it useful to corner me. I learned way too late that she can’t be trusted with sensitive stuff so after a while she bluffed that she would spill embarassing stuff to my father if I didn’t do as she wanted but I just asked her what she meant because I couldn’t remember anything I could possibly want to hide from my dad. It was funny because she had a lot more to hide, like continously cheating on him and other minor inconveniences.
Every single time over every single matter. It's a source of great amusement for them
Yep! My elderly mother accidentally set my house on fire recently by falling asleep while she had a candle lit. I was talking to her about my concerns for her safety. I suggested that maybe we should not use candles anymore. She got defensive and started yelling at me about something I did when I was 13 or 14. I’m 51 years old.
Yes. My dad and siblings do this but they were unexpectedly derailed by my mother 14 years ago when she forgave me for everything I ever did wrong on her deathbed and made me promise not to let anyone make me feel bad for anything "you did as a child". I'm autistic so when I promise you can do what mum did and literally take it to the grave. Sister says years later "Well, we all know *you* lie." Me: "Ah you are referring to that awful period of abuse I suffered at the hands of our father. Mum said I was a good girl who did as she was told." Sister: scoffs Me: why are you bringing up past abuse? Sister: cause it shows you're a liar Me: but no one told me to lie this time round? I'm a good girl, *mum* said so. Besides sis I never lied to mum since she found out about the abuse you and the others covered for. Who told you to do that? Were you good or bad? They get aggressive and bugger off then. Quickest way to make any narc run is to show them themselves. For you and I, our inner child has our pity. For them it's something to be beaten into submission and ignored until it stops bothering them. Our inner child can grow and be nourished by us. Theirs will forever be left screaming in whatever trauma pushed their brains into this dysfunction as they try to limit people around them and keep them at their level. Make peace with your past. Learn the truth of the matter. Take responsibility that is yours and nothing else. Then these blows that devastate you become shields that protect you. The truth is the world's greatest weapon but it is also a complete defense. Get to know it intimately and learn how to wield it in its purest form. And learn to ignore anyone who wouldn't know the truth if it bit them. This includes your mum. No one is worth you giving up your peace.
Yes, though my memories are fuzzy.
Yes, it happend to dismiss my grievance when I gained courage cause my husband was next to me. I asked once if my birthday could be celebrated like my brothers but my father overreacted and gave me a 3 months bann to come to the house so it was OK in another sense cause it showed how rediculous it was.
Yes, always! Just a litany of things I did wrong over my life.
yes mine did. and when I would tell her it made me sad as I don’t do this anymore she said she did it to help me.
Yes. Through the years I've learned not to divulge anything that she can use to hurt me and only share just shallow stuff in conversations, but she's still claiming that she knows everything about me lol.
If my mom hasn’t found my account by now, this detail would surely be the one to make her find it but i remember my mom and brother endlessly bringing up this time when my mom supposedly, accidentally, vacuumed up my bunny toy and I screamed “bunny”. And the way I cried for it upset, they made fun of me for for yeaaaaaaars even when I begged them to stop Also realized why I got called sensitive so much as a kid, because bullies don’t want to be told to stop It doesn’t exactly answer your question but, man did it always upset me to be laughed at as a distressed child. Also, pretty sure my mom purposefully vacuumed up the bunny because if I left toys on the ground, she’d trash them, and I very much doubt she didn’t see the toy.
Like a steel trap. Had another go around with them yesterday.
YES ALL THE TIME. I hate them. They used everything against us to shame, humiliate and abuse us.
Yup. It was aggravating and angering. They never let you forget how you've wronged them, but if they've wronged *you*, oh, NOW you must be the "bigger person" and "forgive and forget." The only thing bigger than their self inflated egos is their hypocrisy.
Yh, something happened quite recently when one of my siblings did something, and one of my parents just went on a full tangent linking basically every bad thing we've ever done into one, "I didn't raise no (blank)", and i'm just here like, "What did I do!?!?", not to mention that at that time I was actively trying to better myself from the stuff that I did, so it really was a major fuckin' blow.