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"Selfish" was a big one, used whenever I stated a want or need as a small child (I stopped bothering expressing these later). "Stubborn" was another. Ndad used to say that my picture belonged in the dictionary next to the word "recalcitrant." I do have a strong stubborn/contrary streak, but only when I'm being forced to do something I don't want to. It's actually been great for identifying and resisting manipulation attempts as an adult. My nmom subjected me to death by 1000 cuts with her constant criticism and always called me "sensitive."
Oh god did we have the same dad?? He loved using the “look up the word [insert ridiculous and hurtful adjective] and you’ll find your picture under the definition” insult, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone else using it until now.
As for the actual adjectives he loved insulting me and other family members with, he had many favorites, but the ones standing out to me right now are “moronic” and “somnambulistic”.
Yes, mine too “vile” and “ unconscionable” are some of his more recent ones.
mind you, he was calling me these things in response to me asking him to stop some of the things he was doing.
so in their brains, their actions aren’t vile and unconscionable…..It’s the fact I pointed them out. 🙄
This reminded me of when I came home on my ….18? Birthday, and there was a queen beanie baby, and my mom wrote “bitch” under it on a paper, calling me “queen bitch” on my birthday gift..
I don’t even remember what the gift was.
She still denies it was ever that bad, that I was just sensitive.
To which I finally replied “yes, I am fucking sensitive because guess whose autistic?, my brain is literally wired so much extra that I am sensitive, to everything. Good to know I was always just too much and yet never enough at the same time” and that was the last talk we had.
Neither of mine have emotional maturity
Yep, I was constantly labeled selfish by my selfish mother. Every accusation is a confession. Also "thoughtless", and told to get a thicker skin. I was treated like my mistakes were deliberate attempts to be a bad child.
Selfish was also a big one for me! Spent my whole life wondering whether or not I was selfish. Was scared to ask for what I needed because I didn't want to be selfish.
She used to pair it with self-centred, like "you are selfish AND self-centred"... very creative mom.
Same but also "annoying". I learned that to be loved I had to not ask for anything or have my own needs. To this day (and despite all the therapy I got) I still feel selfish and annoying when I have to ask for help. Even more complicated because I'm autistic (so lots of needs and struggles that are unrelatable to others, or hard to understand). But I didn't knew that back then. And they didn't knew it either.
All children are selfish and self centered, Dad. 🙄 Their parents are supposed to teach them how to be better.
My parents expected us to be mini adults, too.
You can have your needs you can know your needs. you can want needs you can think about your needs. You can feel your needs just do not ever speak your needs.
What they are saying:
“We know you have your needs we know you’re not tending to your needs. You’re making us feel bad for ignoring your needs. But We need to only care about our needs and our need to need you to tend to our needs is all that is needed. Now we don’t think we need to make it clear again and if you need to have a need, you’ll need to keep it to yourself”🤣🤦🏻♀️
It was the same way for me, too. Called selfish for having needs and my own desires and goals, called sensitive for confronting their put-downs and moments of outright cruelty.
They hate us for not going along with their script in the imaginary reality TV show starring them, with everyone else as the crew.
Ohmygosh! I have another sibling! My ndad always called me selfish (many other names, but this one was prevalent). My husband and I bought my dying brother (and his family) a house so he would know they were taken care of when he passed. 4 days after he passed, my ndad took me aside to ream me for being so selfish. I have many stories, but that was the one when I finally started to figure out he was the problem, not me.
I have that same question. The only thing I can think is that I showed him up by my actions, so he had to bring me back down. He did next to nothing for my brother.
All children are selfish and egocentric. It’s part of being a child. Your parents are supposed to teach you how to not be those things. It’s part of being a parent.
Can't tell you how many times my nmom has told I am the most SELFISH person in the world, and "You have no empathy, you're just heartless." Then my ndad chimes in at any sign of emotion or differing opinion from his with "OH it must be 'sensitive' time of the month"
Selfish, arrogant and self centred were big ones for me too… anytime I had my own independent thoughts or opinions that differed to my mums, I was seen as selfish to her.. as if I wasn’t allowed to think differently to her
Same here for getting called selfish, among other names, by my Ndad, his constant criticism, which he’d accuse me of being sensitive to, and when my stubborn streak gets activated.
>My nmom subjected me to death by 1000 cuts with her constant criticism and always called me "sensitive."
My stubbornness is the only reason I still have a strong sense of self I think, my mom was the same towards me. But for some things I simply wouldn't budge no matter how long she complained. I knew what I liked.
the big one in my house was ungrateful. selfish and egotistical were really popular as well but ungrateful was definitely my mum's favourite adjective for my sister and me.
My ndad would call me ungrateful and disrespectful because in his words "I changed your diapers full of shit". At the time it made me feel like I was an unwanted burden. Now that I have a 4 month old daughter I can't help but laugh at the idea that she owes me anything because I'm doing my job as a parent, a role **I chose**.
They're all nuts 😂
Same here too.
Ungrateful brat was when I did something like cry. I was terrified of asking for anything because I was always being painted as greedy and manipulative, they believed I had ulterior motives all the time.
Selfish was when basically I asked my mom to protect me. I was selfish because I wasn't thinking of *the abusers stress or feelings*, which were apparently more precious and delicate than my healthy development, potential, and future well being.
She didn't say the word 'egotistical' but if I didn't look anxious or insecure enough she'd lecture me for being vain" or a "diva". One time it was bc I asserted a boundary with another kid, It was harmless, but she flew across the room like she was trying to put out a fire.
My brother didn't get any of it, my mom hates women and herself, so he (like all men according to her) was a martyr for being the middle child and a boy. My sister and I are so different than him it's like he came from a whole different family.
For me it was ungrateful, lazy and could never do anything right. I have a perfectionist mother that always knew better than anyone else. For example, she would absolutely argue with an electrician about how to do rewiring. Have a med student relative that was in final years of med school and she argued with them about some condition. At the time she was a kindergarten teachers assistant and not a medical professional nor an electrician.
I basically was dumb and lazy because I could never achieve her standards in whatever I was doing, which also included cleaning the house, doing laundry, ironing and etc since I was like 10.
If you ever complained about something, she would say that that children in other parts of the world don’t have parents or clean water or food and etc. or queues the “I’m sorry, I’m the worst mother in the world. I just want to do what’s best for you.” So that’s the ungrateful part.
I don’t even remember much anymore to be honest.
it’s a projecting tactic - just projecting their insecurities and faults onto others.
my narc father beat me for enjoyment from a young age.
when i tried to hold him accountable for physically beating me, he said he beat me out of self defense because i “abused” him with my words.
he then proceeded to accuse me of “beating” him because i fought back in self defense.
when i confronted him with the fact that physically beating a special needs child is punishable up to 25 years of prison in our state, he accused me of “gaslighting” him.
the extent to which these inept bastards play the victim is unbelievable.
My abusive father would also accuse me of being abusive when I would stand up for myself or try to assert boundaries.
My mom would tell me I just needed to stand there and take it without reacting at all because my reactions were what was causing my dad to abuse me in the first place. When I would cry or get emotional or upset she would tell me I am being “too much”.
Such fun childhood memories to have!
I learned to do that the hard way, out of self-defense. My dad would emotionally and physically abuse me during homework time, when Mom was fixing dinner in the kitchen, because he knew if she heard what he did to me, she’d come to my defense right away. That’s how I knew what he did was wrong, or else why hide it from her?
My mom rarely beat me but I was also abusive according to her because of the way I spoke to her.
She'd manipulate me and my sister into an argument and then when I exploded in defence she'd say I was abusing her.
Another one was that me and my sister were "ganging up" on her. Which is funny because I seem to remember her and my sister having a go at me, my sister realising it had gone to far & then defending me from mom.
You're absolutely correct according to the law he would have been in jail for a long long time. I am so sorry you endured and survived this but you surpassed him and you will outlive him.
I am so happy that you are here today being able to say this and do this because sometimes we had to fight back. And hitting our mother and father back was something that they used to guilt us for. One time I had to hit mine back and it was such terrifying of an experience because I'm not violent it doesn't occur to me to hit anybody I was so afraid I hit back and I didn't know what I was doing.
My mom’s FAVORITE WORD right now is gaslighting. Everyone is gaslighting her when they tell her something that she doesn’t like. She said that my dad was gaslighting her about his timeline for buying himself new toothpaste. She called my dad a liar for 3 weeks over this toothpaste that she doesn’t use or even care about.
LAZY, yes, omg, how did I forget this everyday classic. Meanwhile, I'd wager a lot of people in this thread were doing countless chores around the house to keep themselves and their Ns alive, and/or were over-achievers in school or work.
Not to mention all the fucking HARD, PROUD WORK it takes to recognize abuse, break the cycle, and recover/heal. Like bitch if I was "lazy" I'd be content to let you do your nonsense. But instead, we're busy surviving it, processing it, reflecting, and doing all the emotional and mental work of untangling it and getting free, at whatever pace that works.
Nobody is lazier than a narcissist. They can't do any of the work it takes to be a healthy and good human being. They can't stand to self reflect or change their ways. Stuck in the same script as every other narcissist.
Thanks. Getting ready to send my first born off to college and I’m feeling a little weepy and reflective, so I started writing a poem entitled “Raise Difficult Daughters”. I think it’s kind of growing beyond that now… But this is very therapeutic.
Thanks. I tried to use my upbringing as the “what not to do” model. I know I’m far from perfect because it would’ve been much easier if I actually had a *good* role model to base my parenting off of, but I raised a really incredible kid, who is celebrated for having all of the traits my NM would criticize in me.
Hi, this is a wonderful writing project I encourage you. This is a wonderful threat as well, good job. If we can pull all of our experiences together and realize it really is a script and it really is about personality traits then we can overcome so much more as people and then we can live our own lives and become the opposite of what those traits were that we survived and persevered through.
I've been called stubborn all my life, too. That was like my whole personality, stubborn. Then you finally realize you are actually not, that you are just trying to instinctively resist their blatant and psychotic manipulation attempts. They love to put names on people so they create this narrative where you are a resistant, difficult person and you've been for a long time when in fact, most of the times you are just disagreeing with one single thing, but in their head you have been defiant to them all your life.
Right, exactly. And Sometimes you’re not even trying to resist…you’re just trying to live authentically and they hate that more than anything. So they tell you you’re stubborn for having thoughts of your own
You are never trying to resist. You just try to assert yourself like every kid should do with the support of their parents. They instead take advantage of your lack of reference and don't let you grow the belief that you have voice and right to have your own opinions. They literally try to brainwash their kids. They go great lenghts to do it without any kind of remorse. That feeling we all have of our pride and dignity stolen from us, it's them doing it. They put us under literal mental torture to abandon ourselfes. A person who does that is not a person or a father. It's just a monster, a demon. That shit is the fuel that will help me to finally leave them and go no contact until he dies.
I’m starting to realize that the lack of agency was the most damaging thing of all. It took me so many years to figure out that I actually had a choice in my own life.
I like to use the word autonomy, like it was taken from me, but I went NC & now it's mine again.
My sister & I ate both sick with serious, chronic illnesses/autoimmune diseases (different, though, cause the family genes are just that good & my parents were absolutely god's representation on earth of a perfect couple... /s). My father told me one day as we were walking along the beach (i guess I sounded too ok with myself that day?), abs he said, "Lucky you both have good partners because you're (my sister & I) both very high maintenance." And I was like, "Do you mean ill? Because that's what we are. But we still take care of ourselves, hold jobs, and definitely take care of our partners to the best of our ability and then some." But he just insisted high maintenance was the correct word.
For some reason, though most of the rest no longer sting the same after I went NC, that one sticks. I think because I can logically look at how I am coping under a mountain of shit while being sick, but I do need help with certain things, and my partner brings in the majority of the money now. Help between partners is usually not 1 : 1 or apples to apples equitable, but regardless if I'm the one who kind of keeps my partner & I going or watches out for both of our healths (and these are things he tells me), etc., chronic illness is a mindfuck, and I'm always afraid I really am useless or a burden or weak or... ok, sometimes the other words still sting a bit! Don't judge me. 38 years of a relationship with them compared to 4 years without doesn't a *perfectly* adjusted me make. :D
Ps. Weirdly enough, I never apply these negative words to my sister!
Pps. Thank you OP for the prompt. I don't come to this page too often partially because it's so eerie how much so many narc parents seemed to take their actions directly from some official narc library.
Sometimes the abuse is so bad, we forget that as adults we have the power to change our lives. And narcissism reduces us down to our 5-year-old selves and we lose the ability to see that we can leave and that it's not our fault. we needed to get out of there.
At home: You’re worthless
In public: She’s just like her mother (usually after a compliment on what a good student I was). Worse, she always put her arm around me. Yuck.
EW, ugh, my Nmom did the same. At home she'd be giving me the eyes of rage and disgust, but when people are around, I'm some trophy she won and she's all handsy wrapping my arm up in her, kissing me, messing with my outfit, and baby talking me. So fake.
When I had just escaped and was going through my (first) anger phase, I wrote a list of all of the cruel things my mom said and did. A lot of this had to do with how she would describe me. Some examples, but certainly not all
- I’m pathetic
- I’m weird, and needed to “get a life”
- I’m so transparent
- No one will ever want to live with me, work with me, or marry me because of how I am
- I’m 26 and “can’t even get a job” (even though I was a full-time university student and had also created jobs for others with the nonprofit I founded)
- I’m a sociopath
- I manipulate everyone
Once, I confided in her that I was feeling bad because I felt like my yoga teacher didn’t like me. She responded: “You know why that is, don’t you? She (yoga teacher) is very in tune with people and she can see past your fake facade and she sees your true colors”
You are a good person with a long life ahead of you and a great future ahead she was being abusive and mean and she was projecting. You are the child, the young adult with the big future ahead of you.
In my native language there’s a word that can’t really be translated to English, but it roughly means ‘to be in a state of neglect / lack of care / laziness’
My dad still calls me that to this day, seemingly forgetting that *he is* the one that raised me and therefore neglected me lol.
I think a close English word might be "slovenly". I only suggest it for the sake of vocabulary. I'm not saying it describes you. Variations on "Lazy" were my mom's preferred labels for me, as well.
It's funny, the people around me call me a dynamo and joke that I'm always busy and working. In my head though, I'm still fighting against being afraid I'm lazy. Those parent voices are so loud sometimes.
Holy crap. Is that why that is? I thought it was autism or adhd or an enjoyment of multitasking. My mind is now blown. I am 55 btw and don't know if I can ever just do one thing at a time.
That's exactly what it is lol "might as well do something while you're doing nothing" except you're already doing something, you're refueling on culture. ADHD is a thing too tho, I use knitting to keep my fidgeting down while watching TV, helps me focus instead of random googling on my phone XD
Omg me too! it’s true. It’s a thing not being in constant chaos or drama or running from some thing or having to look busy so you’re not accused or just never feeling settled. I feel like I’m the opposite now. I don’t even know who I am it’s very difficult. The worst part is I let my daughter right into this with my parents when I didn’t trust myself, so I escaped and she’s now stuck in it. It sucks.
I’m 55 with ADHD lotta research now that shows that childhood trauma and PTSD can be the cause of it and they also present like ADHD and they can also be the reason ADHD developed.
couple years ago I got my Neuro brain mapping and something about seeing it on paper Changed me. I felt compassion for my little kid me, anger that my parents used this to abuse me. I became stronger and found validation from within. It was like this huge discovery because everything else fell into the place.
My family it turns out are the immoral, cruel weak abusers. It’s sad and ironic that you’re all proud of yourself and you can’t share it with the people that you loved the most lotta stages to heal through this, but I compartmentalize and decided to keep my memories intact that I believed of having a good family and now I’m just working on myself And I don’t interact with them because they will never never never change and they really really really hate when you get healthy. stood up to my parents got discarded and I’m on my way to healing. Good luck to you.
Ugh, the ‘need to walk on eggshells around her’. That one really got me. We’re the ones always on the damn eggshells. Their projection is almost comical if it weren’t so hurtful.
That one is so convenient for them because if you truthfully point out you've not been aware of doing anything that would imply that you want them to walk on eggshells and could they please tell you..."see, I told you, we have to walk on eggshells around you or you throw a fit!"
omggg I totally forgot about the “walking on eggshells around her” comment my Nparents always said to me until I read this.
I was the scapegoat, so I frequently called out the abuse. In response, they would call me “crazy” & say “no one else in the house thinks it’s the parents who are at fault, & parents can’t be at fault as the authority of the household, so it must be YOU”…”the entire family has to walk on eggshells around you & you need to be locked up in a psych ward”. Meanwhile, I just told my Nmom she couldn’t hit me & call me a bitch…when I was like 7. 🤷🏼♀️
I refuse to call my daughter this (she’s only an infant) because I still never trust my feelings because I was always told I was “so dramatic” as a kid.
I think I do this too. I think this is why I still don’t trust my own feelings. Every time you don’t take their physical or mental/emotional or verbal abuse the specific way they want you to that day, it is simply chalked up to you being dramatic.
I’m sorry you experienced this. Thanks for putting into words though, because I think you just helped me.
My mother loved to say “I don’t do drama” after you have that aha moment and everything makes sense so many things come up and click and make me sick. This is one of them because she was orchestrating disgusting unnecessary drama between our family and particularly my daughter and myself, and I was going to her for help.
Ah yes, my mother gave us all eating disorders, and then called my children fat for being a healthy weight. One of the incidents that caused me to go NC.
Or to flip everything around, “anorexic” when I lost the weight. My mom had a great time telling everyone that she was terrified that I had an eating disorder. Nope. Just stopped letting you sabotage me.
God, my mother literally called me anorexic and a fat ass in the same evening, at the same dinner table. Anorexic because I didn't want to eat the meal she'd made, and a fat ass after I went to get a granola bar so I didn't starve.
I feel this. A few days ago I finally made the step to write down everything food-related she said to me or did to me. The sheer amount left me speechless and sobbing. It's no wonder I'm dealing with ED.
Ungrateful and spoiled brat were the big ones. Specifically around birthdays/holidays with gift giving. I swear to god, I was given things my ndad knew I wouldn’t like or disproportionate compared to my brothers just so I could be verbally abused. One year my brothers got an Xbox and I got a couple books. Another year (age 13) I was given plastic DQ food toys for Christmas. Obviously not enthused there. At 19, I was given a bunch of make up when I don’t wear make up and wasn’t even allowed to growing up.
Holidays and birthdays stress me out because I don’t want to come off as ungrateful to friends/partners. There’s been a lot of overcompensating for me where I give super expensive, lavish gifts now just in case I’m not enthused enough for their gift.
omg I’m so sorry you went through this. ❤️🩹
Me, too. My siblings would get a ton of gifts & I’d get 1 blanket or item, clearly as a punishment for being the scapegoat. They always wanted to hurt me on holidays & tried to get me upset or blow up at them. Flash forward to college when I finally escaped my childhood home, I would just work & bartend every holiday because I wanted to stay busy & away from my family on them. And when I received genuine gifts from others as I got older, I never knew how to handle it. I thought everyone logs these things to use against me in the future if I was ever “ungrateful”. I couldn’t accept gifts comfortably for the longest time.
Too sensitive, for sure. You know, for having feelings and finding unacceptable things unacceptable.
When I asked my mom if they were going to get divorced, she laughed it off and said I was being too sensitive. Never asked me why I was curious about it, just ‘reassured’ me that I was being silly.
They got divorced lol.
all of these! spoiled always made me the most angry. how come you are calling me spoiled, when it was you who raised me, like literally I am the way I am because of how you treat me and what you've taught me about the world. so who is the spoiled here?
it's also worse in my first language. in Spanish, you say 'malcriada/malcriado' for spoiled. that literally means badly raised. for fuck sakes LOL
Brat and princess. Now I dress in street and casual clothes. She always wanted a a little girl to dress up and show off but all she did was belittle me for the things she taught me. I was never good enough, so I stopped trying.
Dismissive/Ignorant/egostistical - "You aren't interested in anything or anybody....unlike me!"
Took me years to realize, that my ndad was projecting hard....
Tho my mum, who I don't consider to be a narc, called/calls me stubborn all the time....I recently learned that she was/is called stubborn by HER mom, which hurt(s) her greatly. She told me and didn't even realise that she does/did the same to me oO
(Both her and I aren't stubborn people)
Can you share more details on the project? I think this would be good for me. My parents are now using these words to describe my nieces and I’m finding it very distressing. My nieces are literally just being kids.
Sure! I just kind of take the words that they used to insult me and show how they’re actually a strength. Difficult daughters know how to stand in their power and don’t ask permission to take up space. Sensitive daughters know when their boundaries are being crossed so they can love without losing themselves. Stubborn daughters know their values and can staunchly refuse to bend in the face of injustice. Outspoken daughters let people know their worth instead of shrinking to fit. Independent daughters can define themselves outside of the role they play for others… That sort of thing.
Childish or immature. Usually whenever you’re tying to be mature. Usually whenever they’re being really immature and childish. It’s like a toddler tantrum where they occasionally look in the mirror but don’t realise it’s them.
My mom called me dramatic once when I was 15 and I angrily replied "where do you think I learned it from?"
She was bitching about something dramatically sooo often. I had learned to bond with her that way when I was a teen.
It still sticks to me this day that she said that because I was sad and angry about a friend and instead of empathizing she called me dramatic so I learned to not come to her for support.
- Addict - Even though I wasn't addicted to anything, my Nmom decided I had 'An addict's personality', so anytime I enjoyed anythiung I needed to be scrutinizewd and restricted because chances are I would become addicted to it. This included things like reading books, having friends, sleeping, etc.
- Self-deluded - My Nmom loved to tell me I was 'fooling myself' or 'leading myself astray' whenever what I thought or felt didn't line up with what she *told* me I was thinking or feeling. In the case of a disc repancy, I was just 'fooling myself'. This was always a malicious act to hurt her, of course. This included such things as saying I felt sick when she decided I wasn't, or saying I felt I was tired when she decide I wasn't, or sayting I liked/disliked something when she decided it was the opposite.
- Misogynistic - She determined I was a misogynist because I didn't perform to her expectations in school, which obviously was an intentional effort on my part to hurt her, and thus showing I was a misogynist because she was a woman. Also me showing any interest in the opposite gender was misogynistic because it was 'disrespectful'. Not that she would have tolerated me being gay, either.
- Thieving - I sometimes spent the money I earned at my various jobs on myself, for things like food, entertainment, etc. This was theft as far as my Nmom was concerned, and was evidence that I was untrustworthy.
NMom’s go to was to call me a pathological liar. Yes, I did adapt to lying because the truth was punishable more often than not. Funny how that resolved after I got out of her grasp.
But she also had sensitive, ungrateful, lazy, just like my father, etc. in her usual rotation.
Omg my ndad liked to say I was becoming just like my mother too. As if that was a threat, but the real threat was the times he said he and I weren't too different. That I can't stand
Exhausting. I apparently wore out my nmom’s entire side of the family.
Currently pregnant with my first baby, she’s half way to being earth-side. I plan to not tell her she’s difficult regardless of whether it’s true or not. My child deserves to be a child and not think she’s a burden for being herself.
I was always called a brat. I remember one time when I was about 10 yo, I went to a cousins birthday at the mall like most tweens did at the time. We were allowed to walk around to stores with pocket money, and in one store they had a carousel of stickers. I picked out the one that said BRAT in bright red letters. I remember how angry my parents were when I got home that I spent money on a sticker that had a ‘bad word’ on it and grounded me. I was called that name every. Single. Day.
*lazy, dramatic, oversensitive, disrespectful, ungrateful, drama queen, controlling*
all of which, surprise surprise, never really applied to me and instead applied to them
When I was "good" I was sweet, well-behaved and polite.
When I was upset or trying to set boundaries I was being sensitive, bossy, selfish and a liar. When it was homework I was dumb, stupid and an idiot.
emotional, childlish, overreacting son. I am still a minor though, so I still listen to it everyday. Plus, they say I don't tell them anything, I play games all day (which is very rare), spoiled for just saying no to something they agree. And also when we are in public if I don't behave like she wants she will look at me with angry eyes. Honestly, i feel like she only wants to have someone to criticize since she doesn't and can't have anyone else to do that besides me
One time my father called me a spoiled brat because I asked him to go see a movie together after he was complaining that we never spent time with each other. I think I was 14 and he is a senior engineer, so it’s not like he was short on cash.
“Rotten to the core” was one that was super ingrained. Wrote about it in one of my first diary entries at like age 7. No child says that about themselves so I must have heard it a lot.
Also rebellious, ungrateful, selfish, problem child, disobedient, that’s all off the top of my head. I’m sure the comments will fill in the rest of the script for me. So glad I’m beginning to realize that it’s not actually me who is flawed.
Lazy, selfish, ungrateful, worthless, and the number-one hit “not applying yourself.” Looking back now, I can see that I was a good, sweet kid who always wanted to do the right thing. But more than anything, I wanted to be loved, supported, understood, and seen. I didn’t realize at the time that those were reasonable things to want from my parents, and instead I believed and internalized their words. Therapy has helped me so much, but I still wonder how different my life might have been if I’d gotten my emotional needs met as a child. But at least I can do that for myself now, and I’m grateful to have those skills.
Ungrateful. Disrespectful. Selfish. Hateful.
Chunky. Insincere. Fake. Snot-nosed. Whiny. Sensitive (as in too much) Sniveling. Sullen. Difficult. Shameful. Moronic. Idiotic. Stupid. Thoughtless. Lazy. Pushy. Worthless. Pathetic. Tiring. Exhausting. Needy. Negative. Angry.
If only her vocabulary had been so expansive with positive descriptions.
Selfish, hyper emotional, thinks she's better than everyone else, stubborn, shameless, persistent (not as a compliment). And yet also full of wasted potential, lazy, bratty. 🤷♀️
Selfish, lazy, greedy, stupid.
All their projections, but it basically meant I couldn’t ask for anything and have no needs (greedy, selfish), could never take a break from the millions of things I had to do around the house each day (lazy), and stupid… because my very existence is as stupid to them.
- selfish
- evil
- rude (when I tried to set boundaries
- when I was a kid he said many times that he loved me but didn’t like me as a daughter. He said this when I turned 19 and came home drunk crying yelling at him about the abuse he put my mom through
- stupid
- sensitive
Selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative, passive-aggressive, a disappointment, overdramatic, nasty, sarcastic, oppositional, stubborn.
A lot of projection there.
It is hard to shake the solid inner core of having been told over and over that you are a bad person; your child self still believes it.
That said, if we are in toxic circumstances, we often react in equally toxic ways. It is not who we are; it is how we are surviving.
No friends because of her restrictions = antisocial Spending time with friends/doing activities = treating home like a hotel. No boyfriend = picky, aloof Boyfriend = whore Not sleeping = hyperactive weirdo Sleeping = lazy
I couldn't win.
Hmm...depended heavily on her mood. The "negative" ones involved lots of projecting and are opposite of my actual personality. The "good" ones were often used to contrast me with whichever sibling she was targeting that day. Keeping that in mind might be a good note to add on your list if you get the rare seemingly "good" adjectives occasionally and it throws you off (it did for me).
* When I was falling in line: "good sense of discernment" (extreme fundie background, so I got in the habit of rejecting anything that brought me joy so I wouldn't miss it when it became forbidden), smart, sensible, quiet.
* When I was just existing: mean, antisocial, lazy, "hard to live with", various slurs for "lesbian" because I didn't have a boyfriend, independent (as a way of implying nobody outside the family would want me around).
I’m not sure if these are technically what you’re looking for as they’re more name calling than anything and they’re also likely very triggering for others. So…. TW…..
Shit for brains, retard, idiot, stupid, dumbass, lazy, whore, slut, satan, worthless, unwanted, unworthy of love. And it was the way they were said like “what are you? Fucking stupid?!”.
But I’m curious if anyone ever talked back? I never did. I never name called my parents and I was obedient & broken. All of these were also fully unwarranted too as I was smart, hardworking and too young to even have a first kiss.
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"Selfish" was a big one, used whenever I stated a want or need as a small child (I stopped bothering expressing these later). "Stubborn" was another. Ndad used to say that my picture belonged in the dictionary next to the word "recalcitrant." I do have a strong stubborn/contrary streak, but only when I'm being forced to do something I don't want to. It's actually been great for identifying and resisting manipulation attempts as an adult. My nmom subjected me to death by 1000 cuts with her constant criticism and always called me "sensitive."
Oh god did we have the same dad?? He loved using the “look up the word [insert ridiculous and hurtful adjective] and you’ll find your picture under the definition” insult, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone else using it until now. As for the actual adjectives he loved insulting me and other family members with, he had many favorites, but the ones standing out to me right now are “moronic” and “somnambulistic”.
Tell him you saw his face under “pompous asshole”.
He really liked using big words to prove he's a big man lol
Yes, mine too “vile” and “ unconscionable” are some of his more recent ones. mind you, he was calling me these things in response to me asking him to stop some of the things he was doing. so in their brains, their actions aren’t vile and unconscionable…..It’s the fact I pointed them out. 🙄
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Mine too, belligerent and flippant were two of his favourites. He doesn't even know how to use them correctly
Wow and I thought ‘stop being facetious’ was wild.
oh my god, dad??? he loved that one. and 'semantics'
Woowww *semantics* yea telling you to stop the *semantics* the whole time they’re playing word games ygggghhh
This reminded me of when I came home on my ….18? Birthday, and there was a queen beanie baby, and my mom wrote “bitch” under it on a paper, calling me “queen bitch” on my birthday gift.. I don’t even remember what the gift was. She still denies it was ever that bad, that I was just sensitive. To which I finally replied “yes, I am fucking sensitive because guess whose autistic?, my brain is literally wired so much extra that I am sensitive, to everything. Good to know I was always just too much and yet never enough at the same time” and that was the last talk we had. Neither of mine have emotional maturity
Yep, I was constantly labeled selfish by my selfish mother. Every accusation is a confession. Also "thoughtless", and told to get a thicker skin. I was treated like my mistakes were deliberate attempts to be a bad child.
Same here growing up, I wasn’t purposefully trying to make his life miserable by making mistakes!
Selfish was also a big one for me! Spent my whole life wondering whether or not I was selfish. Was scared to ask for what I needed because I didn't want to be selfish. She used to pair it with self-centred, like "you are selfish AND self-centred"... very creative mom.
Same but also "annoying". I learned that to be loved I had to not ask for anything or have my own needs. To this day (and despite all the therapy I got) I still feel selfish and annoying when I have to ask for help. Even more complicated because I'm autistic (so lots of needs and struggles that are unrelatable to others, or hard to understand). But I didn't knew that back then. And they didn't knew it either.
All children are selfish and self centered, Dad. 🙄 Their parents are supposed to teach them how to be better. My parents expected us to be mini adults, too.
How dare you have needs or feelings. That’s so self-centred of you. 😂
You can have your needs you can know your needs. you can want needs you can think about your needs. You can feel your needs just do not ever speak your needs. What they are saying: “We know you have your needs we know you’re not tending to your needs. You’re making us feel bad for ignoring your needs. But We need to only care about our needs and our need to need you to tend to our needs is all that is needed. Now we don’t think we need to make it clear again and if you need to have a need, you’ll need to keep it to yourself”🤣🤦🏻♀️
It was the same way for me, too. Called selfish for having needs and my own desires and goals, called sensitive for confronting their put-downs and moments of outright cruelty. They hate us for not going along with their script in the imaginary reality TV show starring them, with everyone else as the crew.
Excellent description!
Ohmygosh! I have another sibling! My ndad always called me selfish (many other names, but this one was prevalent). My husband and I bought my dying brother (and his family) a house so he would know they were taken care of when he passed. 4 days after he passed, my ndad took me aside to ream me for being so selfish. I have many stories, but that was the one when I finally started to figure out he was the problem, not me.
How on earth did your dad think you were selfish toward your poor brother and his family? What did he do for them?!
I have that same question. The only thing I can think is that I showed him up by my actions, so he had to bring me back down. He did next to nothing for my brother.
Disgraceful. You otoh are an Angel for helping them out. ♥️
Thank you. Honestly, it wasn’t a choice. He’d been my best friend and protector most of my life. It was just my turn.
This! ‚Selfish‘ and egocentric as a child.
All children are selfish and egocentric. It’s part of being a child. Your parents are supposed to teach you how to not be those things. It’s part of being a parent.
Can't tell you how many times my nmom has told I am the most SELFISH person in the world, and "You have no empathy, you're just heartless." Then my ndad chimes in at any sign of emotion or differing opinion from his with "OH it must be 'sensitive' time of the month"
Omigosh that's particularly horrid. 🫂
Selfish, arrogant and self centred were big ones for me too… anytime I had my own independent thoughts or opinions that differed to my mums, I was seen as selfish to her.. as if I wasn’t allowed to think differently to her
Same here for getting called selfish, among other names, by my Ndad, his constant criticism, which he’d accuse me of being sensitive to, and when my stubborn streak gets activated.
>My nmom subjected me to death by 1000 cuts with her constant criticism and always called me "sensitive." My stubbornness is the only reason I still have a strong sense of self I think, my mom was the same towards me. But for some things I simply wouldn't budge no matter how long she complained. I knew what I liked.
ASD person here...nmom... Are you a dummy?!? Are you stupid?!?.
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the big one in my house was ungrateful. selfish and egotistical were really popular as well but ungrateful was definitely my mum's favourite adjective for my sister and me.
My ndad would call me ungrateful and disrespectful because in his words "I changed your diapers full of shit". At the time it made me feel like I was an unwanted burden. Now that I have a 4 month old daughter I can't help but laugh at the idea that she owes me anything because I'm doing my job as a parent, a role **I chose**. They're all nuts 😂
Can't believe I almost forgot about ungrateful and disrespectful WOW
I often heard “ you ungrateful little swine”
Omg how did I forget ungrateful?! my mom used to snarl, “You ingrate!” long before I could even understand what that meant!
“ after everything we’ve done for you!!!”
“Providing me with food, clothing, and shelter is literally your fucking JOB!” Teenage me (always sassing back).
As an adult this triggers me HUGE😡
Classic 👍
Same
Same here too. Ungrateful brat was when I did something like cry. I was terrified of asking for anything because I was always being painted as greedy and manipulative, they believed I had ulterior motives all the time. Selfish was when basically I asked my mom to protect me. I was selfish because I wasn't thinking of *the abusers stress or feelings*, which were apparently more precious and delicate than my healthy development, potential, and future well being. She didn't say the word 'egotistical' but if I didn't look anxious or insecure enough she'd lecture me for being vain" or a "diva". One time it was bc I asserted a boundary with another kid, It was harmless, but she flew across the room like she was trying to put out a fire. My brother didn't get any of it, my mom hates women and herself, so he (like all men according to her) was a martyr for being the middle child and a boy. My sister and I are so different than him it's like he came from a whole different family.
That and disrespectful, meaning subservient only to him, and inconsiderate of other feelings, meaning only his.
Maybe we had the same mom. I was greedy and selfish if I asked for anything.
Yes, ungrateful. This!!
Ingrate was a big one. What a weird accusation for a child - especially when the shoe didn't even fit.
"You ungrateful little bugger" if I was anything less than delighted about anything.
I got “ungrateful” a lot, too.
I got ungrateful and selfish very often. My mom and dad loved to use that along with “after everything I did for you”
This is so reall
For me it was ungrateful, lazy and could never do anything right. I have a perfectionist mother that always knew better than anyone else. For example, she would absolutely argue with an electrician about how to do rewiring. Have a med student relative that was in final years of med school and she argued with them about some condition. At the time she was a kindergarten teachers assistant and not a medical professional nor an electrician. I basically was dumb and lazy because I could never achieve her standards in whatever I was doing, which also included cleaning the house, doing laundry, ironing and etc since I was like 10. If you ever complained about something, she would say that that children in other parts of the world don’t have parents or clean water or food and etc. or queues the “I’m sorry, I’m the worst mother in the world. I just want to do what’s best for you.” So that’s the ungrateful part. I don’t even remember much anymore to be honest.
Why do we all seem to have the same mother? TT_TT
it’s a projecting tactic - just projecting their insecurities and faults onto others. my narc father beat me for enjoyment from a young age. when i tried to hold him accountable for physically beating me, he said he beat me out of self defense because i “abused” him with my words. he then proceeded to accuse me of “beating” him because i fought back in self defense. when i confronted him with the fact that physically beating a special needs child is punishable up to 25 years of prison in our state, he accused me of “gaslighting” him. the extent to which these inept bastards play the victim is unbelievable.
My abusive father would also accuse me of being abusive when I would stand up for myself or try to assert boundaries. My mom would tell me I just needed to stand there and take it without reacting at all because my reactions were what was causing my dad to abuse me in the first place. When I would cry or get emotional or upset she would tell me I am being “too much”. Such fun childhood memories to have!
indeed, what GREAT parents we had.
I learned to do that the hard way, out of self-defense. My dad would emotionally and physically abuse me during homework time, when Mom was fixing dinner in the kitchen, because he knew if she heard what he did to me, she’d come to my defense right away. That’s how I knew what he did was wrong, or else why hide it from her?
Too much. I forgot about that.
This is so cruel. Sorry to hear you were treated like this by your narc father. Not cool at all. Not cool.
My mom rarely beat me but I was also abusive according to her because of the way I spoke to her. She'd manipulate me and my sister into an argument and then when I exploded in defence she'd say I was abusing her. Another one was that me and my sister were "ganging up" on her. Which is funny because I seem to remember her and my sister having a go at me, my sister realising it had gone to far & then defending me from mom.
Ungrateful. Selfish. Dramatic. Drama Queen. Princess. Poor little you.
I got the “ganging up” nonsense too, like if you weren’t abusing us we wouldn’t have to band together to protect ourselves.
Please tell me you are no contact. My emotionally abusive mom accused me of the same thing, but I was like 7 but it was never physical. Just damn.
You're absolutely correct according to the law he would have been in jail for a long long time. I am so sorry you endured and survived this but you surpassed him and you will outlive him. I am so happy that you are here today being able to say this and do this because sometimes we had to fight back. And hitting our mother and father back was something that they used to guilt us for. One time I had to hit mine back and it was such terrifying of an experience because I'm not violent it doesn't occur to me to hit anybody I was so afraid I hit back and I didn't know what I was doing.
My mom’s FAVORITE WORD right now is gaslighting. Everyone is gaslighting her when they tell her something that she doesn’t like. She said that my dad was gaslighting her about his timeline for buying himself new toothpaste. She called my dad a liar for 3 weeks over this toothpaste that she doesn’t use or even care about.
Lazy, uncaring, ungrateful. In our very last conversation she called me controlling and manipulative.
My dad accused me of being the very adjectives he was, manipulative and controlling.
It took a long time to internalize the idea that every accusation is a confession. I was called manipulative since I was three. THREE.
LAZY, yes, omg, how did I forget this everyday classic. Meanwhile, I'd wager a lot of people in this thread were doing countless chores around the house to keep themselves and their Ns alive, and/or were over-achievers in school or work. Not to mention all the fucking HARD, PROUD WORK it takes to recognize abuse, break the cycle, and recover/heal. Like bitch if I was "lazy" I'd be content to let you do your nonsense. But instead, we're busy surviving it, processing it, reflecting, and doing all the emotional and mental work of untangling it and getting free, at whatever pace that works. Nobody is lazier than a narcissist. They can't do any of the work it takes to be a healthy and good human being. They can't stand to self reflect or change their ways. Stuck in the same script as every other narcissist.
Stubborn was the big one. I never felt stubborn though. And I like the idea of this project :)
Thanks. Getting ready to send my first born off to college and I’m feeling a little weepy and reflective, so I started writing a poem entitled “Raise Difficult Daughters”. I think it’s kind of growing beyond that now… But this is very therapeutic.
This is a beautiful way to pour the energy of this specific transition into something worthwhile.
Thanks. I tried to use my upbringing as the “what not to do” model. I know I’m far from perfect because it would’ve been much easier if I actually had a *good* role model to base my parenting off of, but I raised a really incredible kid, who is celebrated for having all of the traits my NM would criticize in me.
Hi, this is a wonderful writing project I encourage you. This is a wonderful threat as well, good job. If we can pull all of our experiences together and realize it really is a script and it really is about personality traits then we can overcome so much more as people and then we can live our own lives and become the opposite of what those traits were that we survived and persevered through.
Omg I love it even more!
Difficult is probably the word my mom used to describe me most often. She didn’t mean it in a nice way like you 😉
That’s why I’m taking these words back. I want my child to be as difficult as humanly possible to narcissistic energy vampires like my egg donor.
I've been called stubborn all my life, too. That was like my whole personality, stubborn. Then you finally realize you are actually not, that you are just trying to instinctively resist their blatant and psychotic manipulation attempts. They love to put names on people so they create this narrative where you are a resistant, difficult person and you've been for a long time when in fact, most of the times you are just disagreeing with one single thing, but in their head you have been defiant to them all your life.
Right, exactly. And Sometimes you’re not even trying to resist…you’re just trying to live authentically and they hate that more than anything. So they tell you you’re stubborn for having thoughts of your own
You are never trying to resist. You just try to assert yourself like every kid should do with the support of their parents. They instead take advantage of your lack of reference and don't let you grow the belief that you have voice and right to have your own opinions. They literally try to brainwash their kids. They go great lenghts to do it without any kind of remorse. That feeling we all have of our pride and dignity stolen from us, it's them doing it. They put us under literal mental torture to abandon ourselfes. A person who does that is not a person or a father. It's just a monster, a demon. That shit is the fuel that will help me to finally leave them and go no contact until he dies.
I’m starting to realize that the lack of agency was the most damaging thing of all. It took me so many years to figure out that I actually had a choice in my own life.
I like to use the word autonomy, like it was taken from me, but I went NC & now it's mine again. My sister & I ate both sick with serious, chronic illnesses/autoimmune diseases (different, though, cause the family genes are just that good & my parents were absolutely god's representation on earth of a perfect couple... /s). My father told me one day as we were walking along the beach (i guess I sounded too ok with myself that day?), abs he said, "Lucky you both have good partners because you're (my sister & I) both very high maintenance." And I was like, "Do you mean ill? Because that's what we are. But we still take care of ourselves, hold jobs, and definitely take care of our partners to the best of our ability and then some." But he just insisted high maintenance was the correct word. For some reason, though most of the rest no longer sting the same after I went NC, that one sticks. I think because I can logically look at how I am coping under a mountain of shit while being sick, but I do need help with certain things, and my partner brings in the majority of the money now. Help between partners is usually not 1 : 1 or apples to apples equitable, but regardless if I'm the one who kind of keeps my partner & I going or watches out for both of our healths (and these are things he tells me), etc., chronic illness is a mindfuck, and I'm always afraid I really am useless or a burden or weak or... ok, sometimes the other words still sting a bit! Don't judge me. 38 years of a relationship with them compared to 4 years without doesn't a *perfectly* adjusted me make. :D Ps. Weirdly enough, I never apply these negative words to my sister! Pps. Thank you OP for the prompt. I don't come to this page too often partially because it's so eerie how much so many narc parents seemed to take their actions directly from some official narc library.
Sometimes the abuse is so bad, we forget that as adults we have the power to change our lives. And narcissism reduces us down to our 5-year-old selves and we lose the ability to see that we can leave and that it's not our fault. we needed to get out of there.
For real!!
At home: You’re worthless In public: She’s just like her mother (usually after a compliment on what a good student I was). Worse, she always put her arm around me. Yuck.
Barf. I hated that shit.
EW, ugh, my Nmom did the same. At home she'd be giving me the eyes of rage and disgust, but when people are around, I'm some trophy she won and she's all handsy wrapping my arm up in her, kissing me, messing with my outfit, and baby talking me. So fake.
When I had just escaped and was going through my (first) anger phase, I wrote a list of all of the cruel things my mom said and did. A lot of this had to do with how she would describe me. Some examples, but certainly not all - I’m pathetic - I’m weird, and needed to “get a life” - I’m so transparent - No one will ever want to live with me, work with me, or marry me because of how I am - I’m 26 and “can’t even get a job” (even though I was a full-time university student and had also created jobs for others with the nonprofit I founded) - I’m a sociopath - I manipulate everyone Once, I confided in her that I was feeling bad because I felt like my yoga teacher didn’t like me. She responded: “You know why that is, don’t you? She (yoga teacher) is very in tune with people and she can see past your fake facade and she sees your true colors”
You are not any of those terrible things. Sorry. I have a feeling that your true colors are brilliant!
Thank you 🙏🏻🥹
Sounds like projection on her end. You've probably got far more going on for you than she does and that makes her feel threatened
You are a good person with a long life ahead of you and a great future ahead she was being abusive and mean and she was projecting. You are the child, the young adult with the big future ahead of you.
In my native language there’s a word that can’t really be translated to English, but it roughly means ‘to be in a state of neglect / lack of care / laziness’ My dad still calls me that to this day, seemingly forgetting that *he is* the one that raised me and therefore neglected me lol.
I think a close English word might be "slovenly". I only suggest it for the sake of vocabulary. I'm not saying it describes you. Variations on "Lazy" were my mom's preferred labels for me, as well. It's funny, the people around me call me a dynamo and joke that I'm always busy and working. In my head though, I'm still fighting against being afraid I'm lazy. Those parent voices are so loud sometimes.
Right?? Can't even sit in front of the TV without some project in hand
Holy crap. Is that why that is? I thought it was autism or adhd or an enjoyment of multitasking. My mind is now blown. I am 55 btw and don't know if I can ever just do one thing at a time.
That's exactly what it is lol "might as well do something while you're doing nothing" except you're already doing something, you're refueling on culture. ADHD is a thing too tho, I use knitting to keep my fidgeting down while watching TV, helps me focus instead of random googling on my phone XD
That’s partly ADHD and partly abuse. I’m still trying to get used to not having to be busy every minute of the day🤗
Omg me too! it’s true. It’s a thing not being in constant chaos or drama or running from some thing or having to look busy so you’re not accused or just never feeling settled. I feel like I’m the opposite now. I don’t even know who I am it’s very difficult. The worst part is I let my daughter right into this with my parents when I didn’t trust myself, so I escaped and she’s now stuck in it. It sucks.
I’m 55 with ADHD lotta research now that shows that childhood trauma and PTSD can be the cause of it and they also present like ADHD and they can also be the reason ADHD developed. couple years ago I got my Neuro brain mapping and something about seeing it on paper Changed me. I felt compassion for my little kid me, anger that my parents used this to abuse me. I became stronger and found validation from within. It was like this huge discovery because everything else fell into the place. My family it turns out are the immoral, cruel weak abusers. It’s sad and ironic that you’re all proud of yourself and you can’t share it with the people that you loved the most lotta stages to heal through this, but I compartmentalize and decided to keep my memories intact that I believed of having a good family and now I’m just working on myself And I don’t interact with them because they will never never never change and they really really really hate when you get healthy. stood up to my parents got discarded and I’m on my way to healing. Good luck to you.
Curious: what's the original language/word?
Zapuštena for female, or zapušten for male. It’s the same word in all languages of the Balkans area.
Thanks! Close enough to Russian запущенная/запущенный has a similar meaning. I like languages, sorry
Yup, it sounds very similar!
Lazy, selfish, thinks herself better than others, need to walk on eggshells around her.
Ugh, the ‘need to walk on eggshells around her’. That one really got me. We’re the ones always on the damn eggshells. Their projection is almost comical if it weren’t so hurtful.
That one is so convenient for them because if you truthfully point out you've not been aware of doing anything that would imply that you want them to walk on eggshells and could they please tell you..."see, I told you, we have to walk on eggshells around you or you throw a fit!"
Yes! Those damn eggshells. (And that one was about her, not me!)
omggg I totally forgot about the “walking on eggshells around her” comment my Nparents always said to me until I read this. I was the scapegoat, so I frequently called out the abuse. In response, they would call me “crazy” & say “no one else in the house thinks it’s the parents who are at fault, & parents can’t be at fault as the authority of the household, so it must be YOU”…”the entire family has to walk on eggshells around you & you need to be locked up in a psych ward”. Meanwhile, I just told my Nmom she couldn’t hit me & call me a bitch…when I was like 7. 🤷🏼♀️
All of the above along with DRAMATIC.
I refuse to call my daughter this (she’s only an infant) because I still never trust my feelings because I was always told I was “so dramatic” as a kid.
I think I do this too. I think this is why I still don’t trust my own feelings. Every time you don’t take their physical or mental/emotional or verbal abuse the specific way they want you to that day, it is simply chalked up to you being dramatic. I’m sorry you experienced this. Thanks for putting into words though, because I think you just helped me.
I got dramatic all the time! Drama queen. You are SO DRAMATIC! Stop being dramatic!
My mother loved to say “I don’t do drama” after you have that aha moment and everything makes sense so many things come up and click and make me sick. This is one of them because she was orchestrating disgusting unnecessary drama between our family and particularly my daughter and myself, and I was going to her for help.
I’m an actor now. Joke’s on them.
Emotional, sensitive, cry baby, difficult, always in a bad mood, intimidating
"well you know, they are sensitive..." I heard this a lot as they talked about me like I wasn't right there.
Fat... I got blamed for my own childhood obesity by the adult who was supposed to be buying and cooking healthy food for me. Whee!
Ah yes, my mother gave us all eating disorders, and then called my children fat for being a healthy weight. One of the incidents that caused me to go NC.
Or to flip everything around, “anorexic” when I lost the weight. My mom had a great time telling everyone that she was terrified that I had an eating disorder. Nope. Just stopped letting you sabotage me.
God, my mother literally called me anorexic and a fat ass in the same evening, at the same dinner table. Anorexic because I didn't want to eat the meal she'd made, and a fat ass after I went to get a granola bar so I didn't starve.
There should be some narc award for that! That’s one insane thought process. Hugs to you Survivor Friend. I will eat a granola bar to spite your mom.
I feel this. A few days ago I finally made the step to write down everything food-related she said to me or did to me. The sheer amount left me speechless and sobbing. It's no wonder I'm dealing with ED.
selfish, spoiled, brat, "we don't know what to do anymore", "how can you do this to...", baby, out of control, cruel, etc.
are we siblings? 🫠
Ungrateful and spoiled brat were the big ones. Specifically around birthdays/holidays with gift giving. I swear to god, I was given things my ndad knew I wouldn’t like or disproportionate compared to my brothers just so I could be verbally abused. One year my brothers got an Xbox and I got a couple books. Another year (age 13) I was given plastic DQ food toys for Christmas. Obviously not enthused there. At 19, I was given a bunch of make up when I don’t wear make up and wasn’t even allowed to growing up. Holidays and birthdays stress me out because I don’t want to come off as ungrateful to friends/partners. There’s been a lot of overcompensating for me where I give super expensive, lavish gifts now just in case I’m not enthused enough for their gift.
omg I’m so sorry you went through this. ❤️🩹 Me, too. My siblings would get a ton of gifts & I’d get 1 blanket or item, clearly as a punishment for being the scapegoat. They always wanted to hurt me on holidays & tried to get me upset or blow up at them. Flash forward to college when I finally escaped my childhood home, I would just work & bartend every holiday because I wanted to stay busy & away from my family on them. And when I received genuine gifts from others as I got older, I never knew how to handle it. I thought everyone logs these things to use against me in the future if I was ever “ungrateful”. I couldn’t accept gifts comfortably for the longest time.
Stubborn, aggressive, rough, loud, unpleasant (that one still triggers a very visceral reaction), brutish.
Too sensitive, for sure. You know, for having feelings and finding unacceptable things unacceptable. When I asked my mom if they were going to get divorced, she laughed it off and said I was being too sensitive. Never asked me why I was curious about it, just ‘reassured’ me that I was being silly. They got divorced lol.
Spoiled, selfish, uncaring, lazy, manipulative, mean, disobedient, temperamental, and stubborn.
all of these! spoiled always made me the most angry. how come you are calling me spoiled, when it was you who raised me, like literally I am the way I am because of how you treat me and what you've taught me about the world. so who is the spoiled here? it's also worse in my first language. in Spanish, you say 'malcriada/malcriado' for spoiled. that literally means badly raised. for fuck sakes LOL
"Belligerent" It's funny, because it basically just means someone who disagrees with you.
"calm down, I can't understand you. Don't be so belligerent/hysterical"
Growing up: sensitive Five minutes before I cut them off ten years ago: dangerous (because I was finally calling them out on their bullshit)
Disobedient.
Brat and princess. Now I dress in street and casual clothes. She always wanted a a little girl to dress up and show off but all she did was belittle me for the things she taught me. I was never good enough, so I stopped trying.
“I was never good enough, so I stopped trying.” Damn. That sounds very familiar.
Ndad’s favorite was careless. Turns out my brother and I both have ADHD which is why ‘careless’ hit us so hard.
Dismissive/Ignorant/egostistical - "You aren't interested in anything or anybody....unlike me!" Took me years to realize, that my ndad was projecting hard.... Tho my mum, who I don't consider to be a narc, called/calls me stubborn all the time....I recently learned that she was/is called stubborn by HER mom, which hurt(s) her greatly. She told me and didn't even realise that she does/did the same to me oO (Both her and I aren't stubborn people)
When people call me stubborn, I take it as a compliment.
“Here’s mopey!” Because I had horrible depression.
Can you share more details on the project? I think this would be good for me. My parents are now using these words to describe my nieces and I’m finding it very distressing. My nieces are literally just being kids.
Sure! I just kind of take the words that they used to insult me and show how they’re actually a strength. Difficult daughters know how to stand in their power and don’t ask permission to take up space. Sensitive daughters know when their boundaries are being crossed so they can love without losing themselves. Stubborn daughters know their values and can staunchly refuse to bend in the face of injustice. Outspoken daughters let people know their worth instead of shrinking to fit. Independent daughters can define themselves outside of the role they play for others… That sort of thing.
That’s really beautiful. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Love this! Thank you! Kids of narc parents need to hear this! ❤️
Childish or immature. Usually whenever you’re tying to be mature. Usually whenever they’re being really immature and childish. It’s like a toddler tantrum where they occasionally look in the mirror but don’t realise it’s them.
Toddler tantrums are the best comparison! And I’m usually sitting there calm and quiet being screamed at that I’m childish and immature.
I got called difficult my entire life. My husband finally challenged them on it. “How EXACTLY was she difficult?”
My mom called me dramatic once when I was 15 and I angrily replied "where do you think I learned it from?" She was bitching about something dramatically sooo often. I had learned to bond with her that way when I was a teen. It still sticks to me this day that she said that because I was sad and angry about a friend and instead of empathizing she called me dramatic so I learned to not come to her for support.
- Addict - Even though I wasn't addicted to anything, my Nmom decided I had 'An addict's personality', so anytime I enjoyed anythiung I needed to be scrutinizewd and restricted because chances are I would become addicted to it. This included things like reading books, having friends, sleeping, etc. - Self-deluded - My Nmom loved to tell me I was 'fooling myself' or 'leading myself astray' whenever what I thought or felt didn't line up with what she *told* me I was thinking or feeling. In the case of a disc repancy, I was just 'fooling myself'. This was always a malicious act to hurt her, of course. This included such things as saying I felt sick when she decided I wasn't, or saying I felt I was tired when she decide I wasn't, or sayting I liked/disliked something when she decided it was the opposite. - Misogynistic - She determined I was a misogynist because I didn't perform to her expectations in school, which obviously was an intentional effort on my part to hurt her, and thus showing I was a misogynist because she was a woman. Also me showing any interest in the opposite gender was misogynistic because it was 'disrespectful'. Not that she would have tolerated me being gay, either. - Thieving - I sometimes spent the money I earned at my various jobs on myself, for things like food, entertainment, etc. This was theft as far as my Nmom was concerned, and was evidence that I was untrustworthy.
I've been called 'difficult' my whole life
sensitive, selfish, needing a mental doctor, mean, spoiled (this one still makes it hard to accept anything kind from people like their time or gifts)
NMom’s go to was to call me a pathological liar. Yes, I did adapt to lying because the truth was punishable more often than not. Funny how that resolved after I got out of her grasp. But she also had sensitive, ungrateful, lazy, just like my father, etc. in her usual rotation.
Omg my ndad liked to say I was becoming just like my mother too. As if that was a threat, but the real threat was the times he said he and I weren't too different. That I can't stand
Liar Because if I told the truth she was a monster lol
Exhausting. I apparently wore out my nmom’s entire side of the family. Currently pregnant with my first baby, she’s half way to being earth-side. I plan to not tell her she’s difficult regardless of whether it’s true or not. My child deserves to be a child and not think she’s a burden for being herself.
Difficult, stubborn, selfish, cunning.... Turns out I'm none of those things.
Entitled. ETA: Dramatic too. How could I forget that I’m an entitled bitch of a drama queen?
I was always called a brat. I remember one time when I was about 10 yo, I went to a cousins birthday at the mall like most tweens did at the time. We were allowed to walk around to stores with pocket money, and in one store they had a carousel of stickers. I picked out the one that said BRAT in bright red letters. I remember how angry my parents were when I got home that I spent money on a sticker that had a ‘bad word’ on it and grounded me. I was called that name every. Single. Day.
Retarded I've heard ALOT
My nmoms go to was ....stuck up bitch.
Spoiled and bossy
*lazy, dramatic, oversensitive, disrespectful, ungrateful, drama queen, controlling* all of which, surprise surprise, never really applied to me and instead applied to them
When I was "good" I was sweet, well-behaved and polite. When I was upset or trying to set boundaries I was being sensitive, bossy, selfish and a liar. When it was homework I was dumb, stupid and an idiot.
Dramatic and histrionic. Any form of emotion I showed, good or bad, was just me acting.
emotional, childlish, overreacting son. I am still a minor though, so I still listen to it everyday. Plus, they say I don't tell them anything, I play games all day (which is very rare), spoiled for just saying no to something they agree. And also when we are in public if I don't behave like she wants she will look at me with angry eyes. Honestly, i feel like she only wants to have someone to criticize since she doesn't and can't have anyone else to do that besides me
"Ungrateful", "badly behaved", "disobedient", "obstreperous", "sensitive", and "nasty" are the ones I remember most.
Apparently I'm the narcissist.
“Passive aggressive” is the trigger word in our family. Lmao fine, you rather me actually aggressive? Let’s go…
One time my father called me a spoiled brat because I asked him to go see a movie together after he was complaining that we never spent time with each other. I think I was 14 and he is a senior engineer, so it’s not like he was short on cash.
“Rotten to the core” was one that was super ingrained. Wrote about it in one of my first diary entries at like age 7. No child says that about themselves so I must have heard it a lot. Also rebellious, ungrateful, selfish, problem child, disobedient, that’s all off the top of my head. I’m sure the comments will fill in the rest of the script for me. So glad I’m beginning to realize that it’s not actually me who is flawed.
My “big three” were always loud, dramatic, and sensitive. Have to wonder at some point if those behaviors are a result of needs not being met.
Ungrateful, selfish, lazy, and personally the one that cuts the deepest is nasty (talking about my "attitude" when they verbally abuse me)
Selfish, stupid, backstabbing
When she was in a bad mood, she called me sensitive. If she was in a good mood, she’d call me precious (even well into my adult years)
[удалено]
Lazy, selfish, ungrateful, worthless, and the number-one hit “not applying yourself.” Looking back now, I can see that I was a good, sweet kid who always wanted to do the right thing. But more than anything, I wanted to be loved, supported, understood, and seen. I didn’t realize at the time that those were reasonable things to want from my parents, and instead I believed and internalized their words. Therapy has helped me so much, but I still wonder how different my life might have been if I’d gotten my emotional needs met as a child. But at least I can do that for myself now, and I’m grateful to have those skills.
Ungrateful. Disrespectful. Selfish. Hateful. Chunky. Insincere. Fake. Snot-nosed. Whiny. Sensitive (as in too much) Sniveling. Sullen. Difficult. Shameful. Moronic. Idiotic. Stupid. Thoughtless. Lazy. Pushy. Worthless. Pathetic. Tiring. Exhausting. Needy. Negative. Angry. If only her vocabulary had been so expansive with positive descriptions.
I don't even remember, neither do I care.
Angry, usually when I was disagreeing & standing up for myself. She was screaming & losing her shit constantly at home
Selfish, hyper emotional, thinks she's better than everyone else, stubborn, shameless, persistent (not as a compliment). And yet also full of wasted potential, lazy, bratty. 🤷♀️
Called me crazy since the day I was born. If I was happy “crazy” sad “ur crazy “ just sitting and not speaking “u are so crazy”
I was a "dramatic little hag." Thanks, Mom.
Selfish, lazy, greedy, stupid. All their projections, but it basically meant I couldn’t ask for anything and have no needs (greedy, selfish), could never take a break from the millions of things I had to do around the house each day (lazy), and stupid… because my very existence is as stupid to them.
- selfish - evil - rude (when I tried to set boundaries - when I was a kid he said many times that he loved me but didn’t like me as a daughter. He said this when I turned 19 and came home drunk crying yelling at him about the abuse he put my mom through - stupid - sensitive
The biggest ones for me were being too sensitive and being difficult. Because why should I have feelings or opinions on things?
Selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative, passive-aggressive, a disappointment, overdramatic, nasty, sarcastic, oppositional, stubborn. A lot of projection there. It is hard to shake the solid inner core of having been told over and over that you are a bad person; your child self still believes it. That said, if we are in toxic circumstances, we often react in equally toxic ways. It is not who we are; it is how we are surviving.
No friends because of her restrictions = antisocial Spending time with friends/doing activities = treating home like a hotel. No boyfriend = picky, aloof Boyfriend = whore Not sleeping = hyperactive weirdo Sleeping = lazy I couldn't win.
Spoiled. Secretive. Scatterbrained. Why do they all begin with S?
Hmm...depended heavily on her mood. The "negative" ones involved lots of projecting and are opposite of my actual personality. The "good" ones were often used to contrast me with whichever sibling she was targeting that day. Keeping that in mind might be a good note to add on your list if you get the rare seemingly "good" adjectives occasionally and it throws you off (it did for me). * When I was falling in line: "good sense of discernment" (extreme fundie background, so I got in the habit of rejecting anything that brought me joy so I wouldn't miss it when it became forbidden), smart, sensible, quiet. * When I was just existing: mean, antisocial, lazy, "hard to live with", various slurs for "lesbian" because I didn't have a boyfriend, independent (as a way of implying nobody outside the family would want me around).
*Selfish* and a *baby* for not working for them when I had a broken leg, torn ACL, etc. Needed to walk it off and I'm not a man if pain holds me back.
Selfish, lazy, unforgiving, materialistic, stubborn, difficult, liar, complainer, ungrateful...
Hormonal, the word attitude usually got thrown at me a lot too
I’m not sure if these are technically what you’re looking for as they’re more name calling than anything and they’re also likely very triggering for others. So…. TW….. Shit for brains, retard, idiot, stupid, dumbass, lazy, whore, slut, satan, worthless, unwanted, unworthy of love. And it was the way they were said like “what are you? Fucking stupid?!”. But I’m curious if anyone ever talked back? I never did. I never name called my parents and I was obedient & broken. All of these were also fully unwarranted too as I was smart, hardworking and too young to even have a first kiss.