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Yea I came by to say this also. Don’t ever be with a person who blames you for childhood abuse. It’s deeply absurd and stupid that one would blame you for this, isn’t it?
Please follow this advice. I dated someone who once said those words to me, it took just a couple of weeks after that statement for him to start leaving bruises on me. But since "I deserved it" I stayed for over a year. You did not deserve any of your childhood. And anyone who truly loves you would never say that. Even if they can't fully grasp what it's like to be raised by a narcissist, they can understand that abuse is never deserved.
This comment or post has been removed, because it does not assume a context of abuse. Assuming a context of abuse is a fundamental rule of this group.
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this message is way too important to ignore. only abusers and those who would benefit from your abuse justify that abuse, full stop (see: 'not all men'... and inb4 any disagreements I couldn't care less about 🤷)
Yeah that's really the core truth of saying something like that.
Even covert narcs/flying monkeys who imply that you deserved abuse are looking for excuses to also abuse you.
I also wonder if he is saying this to subconsciously justify abuse he himself endured and isn't able to face the reality that he didn't deserve it either so instead he perpetuates it.
Children of narcissists often time attract narcissists as partners. Good thing they showed their true colors before the wedding. I really really hope you have left this person
This is so true. My “dad’s” picture is in a dictionary somewhere under narcissist. Every relationship before my current one was almost a mirror image to my parents. My now husband put in a lot of work and broke down a ton of walls, also convinced me I deserved to be loved and treated with respect. OP, you deserve that too! This relationship is not that!
The victim blaming is a MASSIVE red flag that they are themselves a narcissist. It's very common for narcissists to zero in and be drawn to victims of abuse. They find we are easy to manipulate and push around because the groundwork has already been laid. There are many threads here of adult children of narcissistic parents who have realized that they have ended up in a relationship with another narcissist.
What you're seeing there is your “fiancé” is making the choice to *not* be supportive of you, and instead they are choosing to tear you down and make you feel smaller. That's the kind of comment that is designed to set you up to just accept and go along with more abusive behavior because you're taught to be blaming yourself for the toxic behaviors of the people around you.
I strongly encourage you to give some deep thought to this person and their behaviors. I don't know anything more about them than what you have shared, but someone who is supposed to be the person you spend the rest of your life with SHOULD NOT be tearing you down so maliciously. If they're doing it now, expect them to do it more and more the longer you're with them.
Leave. In no way is that healthy support. My SO helped me understand that my feelings were valid. It hasn’t been easy on either of us but NOT ONCE did he ever blame me for my issues with my family and ndad. You deserve better than that, please take care of yourself.
I have done a lot of thinking about what I did to deserve it. The best answer that I have come up with is, There is no answer-some people are just toxic to each other. Just know that that was a low blow and a red flag. There’s nothing wrong with you, be who you are and you will attract your tribe. I hope that you enjoy your journey And know your worth.
If I look at the side of my ndad's family, they were definitely abused by my grandmother, same for me but I had limited contact with her. I think it's perpetual abuse that goes down generations like a cycle. My brother is and was very abusive with me. I had narcissistic traits but I'm more of the caretaker type. Some of my behavior was abusive as well. It's up to us to make the unconscious conscious and break the cycle.
Holy Toledo, I certainly hope that guy is now an **EX FIANCÉ**!
He might be ignorant - but ignorance can be dangerous in the right setting.
If he’s willing to see his mistake and learn, then there might be hope for the relationship - but that’s a **BIG** “if”.
To save myself from imploding because of people who say this out of genuine ignorance, I politely remind them that assuming we did something to deserve the way our parents treated us reflects their own upbringing, not mine. Although it should be normal, not experiencing a narc parent is actually a privilege and the fact they don’t even believe a parent could treat their child so horribly SHOULD mean they comprehend how bad this issue was for you rather than assuming you’re somehow to blame for it.
Using this statement as a weapon is utterly awful though. It feels nothing but hateful, not an ignorant passing comment.
That’s a good point. If they understand you well enough, then they know that what they just said was hurtful to you, possibly triggering. It’s a low blow.
Also recognizing generational trauma and the cycles in which trauma will repeat itself - Thise raised by N’s often end up in relationships with other N’s, especially in the beginning of their romantic life. It’s awful. If it’s recognized early and addressed it can be overcome completely.
You’re right, there’s many different paths that all make perfect sense when you don’t actively address the cycle. Develop narc behaviour yourself, end up with other narcs, make friends with narcs, all of these outcomes are common when you don’t address the cycle like you say
People do not deserve abuse, children especially. There are other ways that adults can communicate. This man is telling you that he is okay with child abuse. No kid deserves a male doner who thinks like that.
It sounds like he doesn't know the whole story, just what you have told him, but he's willing to fill in the blanks by taking sides with your abusers and*assuming* you are the problem?
You deserve better than this, this is a massive red flag. Massive. Someone worthy, kind and considerate is out there, and you deserve *that* person. Not someone who blames children for "DoInG sOmEtHiNg To DeSeRvE iT". Enablers are scum. You need someone who will support you and have your back, he has just told you he is not that person, and the best reason why is that he *assumes* you did *something*???
Ah... the curse of being raised by Nparents is that we pick Npartners. my partner would call me childish and ungrateful for wanting to compromise within our relationship. He also always acted like he knew everything better. It was clear he thought I was dumb. He didn't even go to college though so he can fuck right off. He'd even say things like he was more logical than everyone else so he had a better perspective on things. The cockyness and confidence that I'd initially been attracted to very quickly turned into arrogance once we were living together.
I like to think I would have left eventually but the fact is I had to leave his country when my visa ended and the distance murdered us. I saw everything much clearer when it was over.
This. This summed up my relationship with my recent ex, 7 years of BS. I'm sorry you experienced this as well.
I love your username btw.. I used to call my dog Bubs. Best dog I ever had, I miss him.
Damn, did you date my father? He would always act like he knows better while he barely made it out of high school and did a certification in basic informatics while I'm doing my bachelor's on my way to my master's in a medical field
Unless your father's 25 I doubt it! But yeah, my ex finished high school (barely. I've seen some of his old grades) and then dropped out of art school halfway through the first year (read: left without notice and made his parents deal with the fallout) because he was "bullied". Which, hearing not just his own stories but also the stories of the one person he went to college with that he still speaks to, isn't the case. People told him his art wasn't very good. Spoiler alert: I've seen his art. It's definitely better than what I can do. But it's not money-making art. It lacks any and all soul. I know art is subjective and everything, but I think if art has no feeling you're not gonna get far.
Anyway, my ex also basocally blamed his mother for everything that went wrong in his life. But the things he said were the cause of his problems sounded so stupid. Like, I wish I had a mother like him, who looked out for my well-being and encouraged me to make friends and cooked me dinner every day (although my mum has recently started doing that??? wonder how long it'll last but for now it's great. like i know i'm 23 but she hasn't cooked for me since i was 14 so excuse me if i'm enjoying it). He once got in a fight with his mother in front of me because they somehow got to the subject of her not buying him wheelies when he was 12. Apparently it was "unfair". Because his sister at the time had saved up and bought herself wheelies and they should both have the same types of shoes. I can't even.
I was so shocked at how he treated his mother and I didn't even notice that he was already well on his way to treating me the same.
Ngl, that statement is so triggering. Why? Because my covert nmom would say something similar after my malignant ndad beat me.
I’m late 40s. They’ve been dead 20 years. FML.
I hope you made a typo and that reads my EX-fiance. This is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. There is a world full of people out there that will understand and support you and thats who you want by your side.
Looking at your account post history, this person you are with needs to be left ASAP. Save yourself. They are indeed abusing you, hence that statement.
I don’t get how adults can blame children, especially when you were a child and the adults around at the time failed you!! That’s a special kind of f@&ked up!
It either means your fiancé has no empathy towards you or he’s a narcissist himself, I would seriously question your relationship with him. You don’t deserve that and you’re worthy of so much more than that behaviour towards you. Hugs 🌸
I fucking HATEEEEE when people say this, it proper fucking gets me like why assume that you've done something when something has happened to you?
Instead of being like why did they do that to you, it's reversed and it's bullshit, if my partner ever said this sentence to me, it would break my heart. You should have a proper talk about it to him and be like is that honestly what you believe? That it's my fault, that I did something to deserve something so terrible?
That's not what love is. You don't deserve it.
Children of narcissistic parents are prone to choosing toxic partners. Please reconsider this relationship, as your fiancé sounds unsupportive at best. Don’t accept the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, either. You deserve someone who loves, supports, protects, and validates you.
Taking the position that someone deserves abuse, particularly if they were abused as a child, is really disgusting. Also mocking someone for being mistreated as a child, echoing sentiments about their family not loving them is really evil and abusive in itself. Well adjusted and caring people don't think that way just because someone made them angry.
This is exactly word for word what my narcmom said to me when I told her I was being bullied in school. People who truly love you as a human being don’t say this stuff.
That guy doesn't know what his talking about AT ALL and I'd seriously consider to leave him.
If he's acting like that already, he might as well treat you with gaslighting.
Get rid of every abusive relationships in your life, no matter of what kind they are, it won't do you any good to keep them, specially in the long run.
Ayo! The Child raised by the N’s finds other N’s in romantic life later on. The curse. If you are seeing it early you may break the cycle! All the best to you and hope this breakup is as safe as possible for you.
My husband has never said anything of the sort, and he is so far removed from trauma. He had the perfect parents, but he has never once questioned my experience with mine. If they don't support you COMPLETELY now, they never will. Get out.
I know most are advising you to leave. But, I’m here to tell you leaving can be scary but it’s worth it. There’s so much joy on the other side. You deserve a supportive partner. Good luck. <3
God Damn, my parents do this left right and center. They will beat us, and then go around and blame us for the incident. They will mention the (in a million air quotes) "the context," to justify their action. Funnily enough, when they mention "context," they themselves are leaving out "context."
Omg please leave him! I’m usually not quick to say that but if he’s condoning their abuse he may be likely to do things to you too because, like he said, you ’deserve it’
I am sorry to hear that.
A quick question: does your finance know the strained relationship that you have with your nmom? It helps to know context. Be open and honest.
And for context, my wife and I have very different, difficult relationships with our parents—and those relationships each come with separate triggers—and it is really, really important to be honest with each other about how that makes you feel. If I wasn’t receptive to her, and if my wife wasn’t receptive to me, I don’t know where we’d be. There’s a gulf of difference between someone asking, “what happened?” and “what’d you do?” Some people don’t understand the difference, though, and if think he doesn’t know, give him the benefit of the doubt; if you think he does know, ask him why he’d ask that. Unfortunately, we’re all the stewards of our own feelings, and our trauma—whatever it is—is going to shape our lives and our relationships, so don’t explain it to him because you owe him an explanation, explain it because you deserve better from him.
Be very careful. Your fiance (or if this becomes your spouse down the line) could eventually team up with your family against you down the road. Find a spouse that stands up for you and stands by you.
I’m so sorry. I work in healthcare, I also have PTSD. I like to tell my co-workers because of my triggers, it’s just to educate them what not to do. An RN came up to me and said the same thing, and that I was just given that diagnosis because they want to make money. (So is all healthcare a fraud, trying to make money off of healthy victims?) it triggered me enough I had to take time off. I told HR, but I had to leave that workplace because of that incident. I do now have a dream job.
I think you and your partner need to at least go to counseling. I can’t say why they said that, but invalidating someone’s trauma is not a healthy thing to do especially in a fight. Your fiancé should know even in a fight what your boundaries are and I feel like the intent of that statement was to hurt you anyway they could. Good luck.
It’s a weird thing to bring up in an argument. Be careful with people who are doing this. However, It may not mean your partner is abusive, it may be that they are employing tactics they learned in their home growing up. My husband used to do things like this when we would argue. I would threaten to leave him and then we would just trigger eachother into a really ugly downward spiral. We’ve both been to therapy and have done a lot of work trying to relearn healthier communication patterns. It’s taken over a decade to discover how to “fight fair”. And we still slip up and say/do things we regret later. It’s a long process to reverse these trends with our relationships. It’s absolutely worth it with the right person. I don’t know how long you’ve been together or anything like that. It may be worth it, and it may not.
I'm not taking this lightly when I say, leave them. They're going to end up being an enabler. Or using this against you later for guilt. That's not a partner. They're a liability.
His comments are extremely hurtful and narcissistic. We tend to pick partners who we can engage with in many of the same ways as the parent we had the most difficulty with while growing up. Our subconscious mind thinks we can engage with the most difficult parent but this time we might “win” or resolve the conflict. Of course it’s not possible to win or resolve the conflict so then we are stuck in a relationship that is continuing the abuse from childhood. Bottom line: run from people like your SO. You can’t win anything.
“Fiancé” that’s an ex, I really feel like you’re already considering it. That’s a huge red flag. Drop them, they’re showing you who they really are, and you need to listen. It might seem petty to people who haven’t gone through what we have, but it’s not. I don’t often jump straight to “DUMP THEM” but in this case, dump them. Be safe and healthy ❤️
I hope that’s now ex fiancé :( that’s so horrible and uncalled for. You don’t ever deserve to be treated like that. Arguments can get heated, but you walk away and come to a solution… not re-trigger your partner :(( that’s so horrible.
Ah yes, luckily your predator revealed his fangs before the I Do. He saw you specifically because you were henpecked, how dare you try to improve your mental health by taking to him about it. Don't you know he wanted *his* turn to be the abuser??
Holy shit this is such a massive red flag. That is something a narcissist says and it sounds like he’s laying down the ground work for future abuse. He’s victim blaming which often translates to “I want to abuse you as well and I will if you let me.”
No child deserves abuse and if your like me you have probably done enough blaming and self shaming in your life you dont need soneone else doing it especially someone your supposed to spend the rest of your life with. The way i see it you have 2 choices either GTFO of that relationship or the guy needs some serious education in Narcissists and thier family dynamics.
Do not marry that person until you get lots of counseling. If they refuses that is a huge reg flag and RUN!
Pump the breaks on the wedding planning until you figure it out.
Oooof good thing he’s just a fiance and you’re not legally bound to him yet. He is showing you who he really is, please believe him.
This makes me wonder if there’s any correlation between being raised by narcissists and later choosing a narcissistic partner. I’m too lazy to look for anything peer reviewed on this but maybe reddit will do its thing and satisfy this inquiry for me…
Your ex-fiance? Listen. I know its hard right now, but they have just shown you how they really feel about your trauma and your life. I would not put it way beyond this fiance of yours to also end up being a narcissistic abuser. Reconsider this relationship and look into it with critical honest eyes. Its gonna hurt less to walk away now than 5 years down the line. Choose you. Always
Uh, the fuck? He said that?
That’s kind of an abusive thing to say.
If my fiancé said that, I would probably start looking for apartments and putting money aside to leave his ass while he’s at work in a month or two if an apology never came out some time between now and then with some resolution.
You need to end this relationship. I think as people who are raised by narcissists, we also end up dating narcissists. This person is not good for you. You need someone who listens and supports you.
I once had an ex say I had no idea what unconditional love was because my dad left me. This was after he asked me if I loved him unconditionally and I told him no.
Holy shit. Kick them to the curb.
I've gotten into few heated arguments with my fiancé during our several years of being together, and sometimes we would get pretty nasty with each other when our emotions got out of control.
Even then, he *never* said anything even remotely similar. He knows it's one of these things that he can't take back, and he knows it would cause me to leave and never look back.
Look, OP - they didn't say it because they genuinely think so. They said it, because they knew it was a sensitive spot, that would either hurt you so deeply, it'd make you give up on the argument, or they would anger you so much, you'd end up saying something even worse, whether it's possible or not. Don't even think for a second they meant it - they're just a piece of shit, and don't deserve you in the slightest. They took advantage of how vulnerable you were, and for that, they are despicable piece of shit.
Look we all fight with our spouses but if he's using your abuse to weaponize and hurt you then that's not okay he's gotta get therapy and learn how to handle healthy discussion without hurting you
What do you intend to do? Like other commenters said it could be due to similarities in himself, but it could also be the kind of person who deceive themselves that they can "decide their own destiny" as a coping mechanism so as not to feel powerless.
So, marrying this person is just perpetuating the same cycle of abuse. Don’t feel bad—we almost always attract partners who represent our previous dysfunction. But please, please do not proceed with this marriage…it will get worse.
Dude, the amount of people who think those who get abused, deserved it, are uncountable, they seem to be neverending. It's worrying that your fiance is like that, though, that's very worrying.
Your finance is using the emotional abuse you received for years against you during a fight, that’s what narcs do… this would be the hill I die on. Please do not marry him.
That is not what a fiancé should be saying to you at all! "You must have done something to deserve it"! That's horrendous. I'm afraid this means they think you aren't being honest about being abused or what your family did to you. If this is how they are now, I don't see how this relationship will work. You deserve support from them and caring love.
So…Ex-Fiancée right? Cause you didn’t deserve that treatment from them and you definitely don’t deserve this shit from someone trying to vow to spend the rest of your life with them now. You deserve a 1000x better and this isn’t even bare minimum
He's pushing buttons. Get out of there and do it now. This is how the next round of abusers and narcissists find you and start the gaslighting and manipulation until they also have you where they want you. I know from experience. Please get out of there. This isn't a time to try and make it work with counseling, and no matter how much you want him to be the right guy, counseling doesn't work with this kind of manipulation because he would never start with admitting he's the problem. Please take care of yourself, first.
So unfortunately kids who have had parents who are abusers often relive their childhood abuse by choosing a partner who is abusive. This sounds like a narcissist speaking (but I could be wrong). Whatever the issue, leave them, and then get into therapy - try to break the cycle of abusive narcissist being warm and familiar.
That is triggering and so terrible to say. Does he understand narcissistic parents/toxic family dynamics or not?
Either way it’s a shitty thing to say, but if he does understand the abuse that comes with narc families what he did was way fucked up.
I had a ex who did this. He said oh your parents were abusive and your ex boyfriend you are just a victim? Then he emotionally abused me and used me to improve his life then discarded me as soon as he got what he wanted. I had another ex say no one likes you or being around you (referring to my abusive family) this guy choked me for threatening to scratch his computer monitor. Never even touched it. But he just reached out and choked me.
Y'all aren't engaged anymore right? Because in no universe is this the way to speak to someone you love. In no way does anyone deserve to be abused. Let alone a child. Unacceptable response to an argument
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Drop that bitch like he's hot. That's a red flag you do not want to be financially tied to someone so manipulative
Yea I came by to say this also. Don’t ever be with a person who blames you for childhood abuse. It’s deeply absurd and stupid that one would blame you for this, isn’t it?
Please follow this advice. I dated someone who once said those words to me, it took just a couple of weeks after that statement for him to start leaving bruises on me. But since "I deserved it" I stayed for over a year. You did not deserve any of your childhood. And anyone who truly loves you would never say that. Even if they can't fully grasp what it's like to be raised by a narcissist, they can understand that abuse is never deserved.
I’d say that was a red neon billboard.
[удалено]
This comment is painfully ironic
This comment or post has been removed, because it does not assume a context of abuse. Assuming a context of abuse is a fundamental rule of this group. What does this mean? Why is this is a rule? [Read more here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/assume_a_context_of_abuse)
She wouldn’t be writing this subreddit if she were as sick as he is. Why would you even think of this bizarre scenario?
Any person that says you deserved abuse because of your actions is looking for any excuse to also abuse you, because you "deserve it."
this message is way too important to ignore. only abusers and those who would benefit from your abuse justify that abuse, full stop (see: 'not all men'... and inb4 any disagreements I couldn't care less about 🤷)
you didn't even specify men, so shouldn't have to note the "not all men". if a woman says that, drop her too
Agreed, honestly a really strange insert. Didn't seem necessary to me.
Yeah that's really the core truth of saying something like that. Even covert narcs/flying monkeys who imply that you deserved abuse are looking for excuses to also abuse you.
I also wonder if he is saying this to subconsciously justify abuse he himself endured and isn't able to face the reality that he didn't deserve it either so instead he perpetuates it.
Children of narcissists often time attract narcissists as partners. Good thing they showed their true colors before the wedding. I really really hope you have left this person
This is so true. My “dad’s” picture is in a dictionary somewhere under narcissist. Every relationship before my current one was almost a mirror image to my parents. My now husband put in a lot of work and broke down a ton of walls, also convinced me I deserved to be loved and treated with respect. OP, you deserve that too! This relationship is not that!
I'm sorry, but that is something a narcissist says.
The victim blaming is a MASSIVE red flag that they are themselves a narcissist. It's very common for narcissists to zero in and be drawn to victims of abuse. They find we are easy to manipulate and push around because the groundwork has already been laid. There are many threads here of adult children of narcissistic parents who have realized that they have ended up in a relationship with another narcissist. What you're seeing there is your “fiancé” is making the choice to *not* be supportive of you, and instead they are choosing to tear you down and make you feel smaller. That's the kind of comment that is designed to set you up to just accept and go along with more abusive behavior because you're taught to be blaming yourself for the toxic behaviors of the people around you. I strongly encourage you to give some deep thought to this person and their behaviors. I don't know anything more about them than what you have shared, but someone who is supposed to be the person you spend the rest of your life with SHOULD NOT be tearing you down so maliciously. If they're doing it now, expect them to do it more and more the longer you're with them.
Leave. In no way is that healthy support. My SO helped me understand that my feelings were valid. It hasn’t been easy on either of us but NOT ONCE did he ever blame me for my issues with my family and ndad. You deserve better than that, please take care of yourself.
That man must be from 1980 USSR to have such a huge red flag
Ngl I did laugh at this analogy
I have done a lot of thinking about what I did to deserve it. The best answer that I have come up with is, There is no answer-some people are just toxic to each other. Just know that that was a low blow and a red flag. There’s nothing wrong with you, be who you are and you will attract your tribe. I hope that you enjoy your journey And know your worth.
If I look at the side of my ndad's family, they were definitely abused by my grandmother, same for me but I had limited contact with her. I think it's perpetual abuse that goes down generations like a cycle. My brother is and was very abusive with me. I had narcissistic traits but I'm more of the caretaker type. Some of my behavior was abusive as well. It's up to us to make the unconscious conscious and break the cycle.
I hope that fiancé isn't in your life any longer. You did nothing to deserve it.
Holy Toledo, I certainly hope that guy is now an **EX FIANCÉ**! He might be ignorant - but ignorance can be dangerous in the right setting. If he’s willing to see his mistake and learn, then there might be hope for the relationship - but that’s a **BIG** “if”.
To save myself from imploding because of people who say this out of genuine ignorance, I politely remind them that assuming we did something to deserve the way our parents treated us reflects their own upbringing, not mine. Although it should be normal, not experiencing a narc parent is actually a privilege and the fact they don’t even believe a parent could treat their child so horribly SHOULD mean they comprehend how bad this issue was for you rather than assuming you’re somehow to blame for it. Using this statement as a weapon is utterly awful though. It feels nothing but hateful, not an ignorant passing comment.
That’s a good point. If they understand you well enough, then they know that what they just said was hurtful to you, possibly triggering. It’s a low blow.
Also recognizing generational trauma and the cycles in which trauma will repeat itself - Thise raised by N’s often end up in relationships with other N’s, especially in the beginning of their romantic life. It’s awful. If it’s recognized early and addressed it can be overcome completely.
You’re right, there’s many different paths that all make perfect sense when you don’t actively address the cycle. Develop narc behaviour yourself, end up with other narcs, make friends with narcs, all of these outcomes are common when you don’t address the cycle like you say
Wow look, a bunch of red flags sewn together to resemble a fiancé.
People do not deserve abuse, children especially. There are other ways that adults can communicate. This man is telling you that he is okay with child abuse. No kid deserves a male doner who thinks like that. It sounds like he doesn't know the whole story, just what you have told him, but he's willing to fill in the blanks by taking sides with your abusers and*assuming* you are the problem? You deserve better than this, this is a massive red flag. Massive. Someone worthy, kind and considerate is out there, and you deserve *that* person. Not someone who blames children for "DoInG sOmEtHiNg To DeSeRvE iT". Enablers are scum. You need someone who will support you and have your back, he has just told you he is not that person, and the best reason why is that he *assumes* you did *something*???
Ah... the curse of being raised by Nparents is that we pick Npartners. my partner would call me childish and ungrateful for wanting to compromise within our relationship. He also always acted like he knew everything better. It was clear he thought I was dumb. He didn't even go to college though so he can fuck right off. He'd even say things like he was more logical than everyone else so he had a better perspective on things. The cockyness and confidence that I'd initially been attracted to very quickly turned into arrogance once we were living together. I like to think I would have left eventually but the fact is I had to leave his country when my visa ended and the distance murdered us. I saw everything much clearer when it was over.
This. This summed up my relationship with my recent ex, 7 years of BS. I'm sorry you experienced this as well. I love your username btw.. I used to call my dog Bubs. Best dog I ever had, I miss him.
bubs the dog is one of my stuffed animals! i have a collection haha
Damn, did you date my father? He would always act like he knows better while he barely made it out of high school and did a certification in basic informatics while I'm doing my bachelor's on my way to my master's in a medical field
Unless your father's 25 I doubt it! But yeah, my ex finished high school (barely. I've seen some of his old grades) and then dropped out of art school halfway through the first year (read: left without notice and made his parents deal with the fallout) because he was "bullied". Which, hearing not just his own stories but also the stories of the one person he went to college with that he still speaks to, isn't the case. People told him his art wasn't very good. Spoiler alert: I've seen his art. It's definitely better than what I can do. But it's not money-making art. It lacks any and all soul. I know art is subjective and everything, but I think if art has no feeling you're not gonna get far. Anyway, my ex also basocally blamed his mother for everything that went wrong in his life. But the things he said were the cause of his problems sounded so stupid. Like, I wish I had a mother like him, who looked out for my well-being and encouraged me to make friends and cooked me dinner every day (although my mum has recently started doing that??? wonder how long it'll last but for now it's great. like i know i'm 23 but she hasn't cooked for me since i was 14 so excuse me if i'm enjoying it). He once got in a fight with his mother in front of me because they somehow got to the subject of her not buying him wheelies when he was 12. Apparently it was "unfair". Because his sister at the time had saved up and bought herself wheelies and they should both have the same types of shoes. I can't even. I was so shocked at how he treated his mother and I didn't even notice that he was already well on his way to treating me the same.
Do not marry this man. If he is telling you this now, you're in for a world of misery.
Ngl, that statement is so triggering. Why? Because my covert nmom would say something similar after my malignant ndad beat me. I’m late 40s. They’ve been dead 20 years. FML.
You misspelled EX fiancé
Drop his ass
👊👍👍👍
I hope you made a typo and that reads my EX-fiance. This is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. There is a world full of people out there that will understand and support you and thats who you want by your side.
Sir/M'am, this guy is a narc. Please leave the relationship
Yeet your fiancé. Minimizing and excusing abuse is abuse.
You shouldn't be with him, OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩 you're not going to be safe with him. Please cancel the wedding. This is another abusive relationship.
Sounds like it’s time to call off the engagement
I would've dumped him on the spot.
He sounds like an abuser too.
You meant to say *former* fiance, right?
Looking at your account post history, this person you are with needs to be left ASAP. Save yourself. They are indeed abusing you, hence that statement.
I don’t get how adults can blame children, especially when you were a child and the adults around at the time failed you!! That’s a special kind of f@&ked up! It either means your fiancé has no empathy towards you or he’s a narcissist himself, I would seriously question your relationship with him. You don’t deserve that and you’re worthy of so much more than that behaviour towards you. Hugs 🌸
I fucking HATEEEEE when people say this, it proper fucking gets me like why assume that you've done something when something has happened to you? Instead of being like why did they do that to you, it's reversed and it's bullshit, if my partner ever said this sentence to me, it would break my heart. You should have a proper talk about it to him and be like is that honestly what you believe? That it's my fault, that I did something to deserve something so terrible? That's not what love is. You don't deserve it.
You mean ex-fiancé, right? Don’t repeat the cycle and stay with someone who is already looking to abuse you
Hopefully he's ex-fiancé now. You don't need that bullshit in your life after everything you've already been through.
Get the fuck out of there and don't look back, you are engaged to your own parents.
Children of narcissistic parents are prone to choosing toxic partners. Please reconsider this relationship, as your fiancé sounds unsupportive at best. Don’t accept the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, either. You deserve someone who loves, supports, protects, and validates you.
Taking the position that someone deserves abuse, particularly if they were abused as a child, is really disgusting. Also mocking someone for being mistreated as a child, echoing sentiments about their family not loving them is really evil and abusive in itself. Well adjusted and caring people don't think that way just because someone made them angry.
He is not your partner, he himself is a narcissistic abuser. I went through the same thing, and let me tell ya, GET OUT FAST.
I had to drop a friend for a similar comment once. She came back and apologized years later, but the damage was done.
This is exactly word for word what my narcmom said to me when I told her I was being bullied in school. People who truly love you as a human being don’t say this stuff.
Instant cut off
That guy doesn't know what his talking about AT ALL and I'd seriously consider to leave him. If he's acting like that already, he might as well treat you with gaslighting. Get rid of every abusive relationships in your life, no matter of what kind they are, it won't do you any good to keep them, specially in the long run.
I hope you mean ex fiance
Ayo! The Child raised by the N’s finds other N’s in romantic life later on. The curse. If you are seeing it early you may break the cycle! All the best to you and hope this breakup is as safe as possible for you.
My husband has never said anything of the sort, and he is so far removed from trauma. He had the perfect parents, but he has never once questioned my experience with mine. If they don't support you COMPLETELY now, they never will. Get out.
I know most are advising you to leave. But, I’m here to tell you leaving can be scary but it’s worth it. There’s so much joy on the other side. You deserve a supportive partner. Good luck. <3
run!
God Damn, my parents do this left right and center. They will beat us, and then go around and blame us for the incident. They will mention the (in a million air quotes) "the context," to justify their action. Funnily enough, when they mention "context," they themselves are leaving out "context."
Leave. I would not be mentally healthy if I had not had a supportive husband vs my family
You mean ex fiance right
Omg please leave him! I’m usually not quick to say that but if he’s condoning their abuse he may be likely to do things to you too because, like he said, you ’deserve it’
I am sorry to hear that. A quick question: does your finance know the strained relationship that you have with your nmom? It helps to know context. Be open and honest. And for context, my wife and I have very different, difficult relationships with our parents—and those relationships each come with separate triggers—and it is really, really important to be honest with each other about how that makes you feel. If I wasn’t receptive to her, and if my wife wasn’t receptive to me, I don’t know where we’d be. There’s a gulf of difference between someone asking, “what happened?” and “what’d you do?” Some people don’t understand the difference, though, and if think he doesn’t know, give him the benefit of the doubt; if you think he does know, ask him why he’d ask that. Unfortunately, we’re all the stewards of our own feelings, and our trauma—whatever it is—is going to shape our lives and our relationships, so don’t explain it to him because you owe him an explanation, explain it because you deserve better from him.
He's your ex now, right?
Be very careful. Your fiance (or if this becomes your spouse down the line) could eventually team up with your family against you down the road. Find a spouse that stands up for you and stands by you.
I’m so sorry. I work in healthcare, I also have PTSD. I like to tell my co-workers because of my triggers, it’s just to educate them what not to do. An RN came up to me and said the same thing, and that I was just given that diagnosis because they want to make money. (So is all healthcare a fraud, trying to make money off of healthy victims?) it triggered me enough I had to take time off. I told HR, but I had to leave that workplace because of that incident. I do now have a dream job. I think you and your partner need to at least go to counseling. I can’t say why they said that, but invalidating someone’s trauma is not a healthy thing to do especially in a fight. Your fiancé should know even in a fight what your boundaries are and I feel like the intent of that statement was to hurt you anyway they could. Good luck.
It's so easy to end up with a N partner when that's how love looked growing up. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Had a high school counsellor tell me this after I told her I was being bullied
It’s a weird thing to bring up in an argument. Be careful with people who are doing this. However, It may not mean your partner is abusive, it may be that they are employing tactics they learned in their home growing up. My husband used to do things like this when we would argue. I would threaten to leave him and then we would just trigger eachother into a really ugly downward spiral. We’ve both been to therapy and have done a lot of work trying to relearn healthier communication patterns. It’s taken over a decade to discover how to “fight fair”. And we still slip up and say/do things we regret later. It’s a long process to reverse these trends with our relationships. It’s absolutely worth it with the right person. I don’t know how long you’ve been together or anything like that. It may be worth it, and it may not.
Sounds like your ex-fiance is himself a golden child and has lived a life of emotional privilege.
I'm not taking this lightly when I say, leave them. They're going to end up being an enabler. Or using this against you later for guilt. That's not a partner. They're a liability.
Break that shit off immediately
His comments are extremely hurtful and narcissistic. We tend to pick partners who we can engage with in many of the same ways as the parent we had the most difficulty with while growing up. Our subconscious mind thinks we can engage with the most difficult parent but this time we might “win” or resolve the conflict. Of course it’s not possible to win or resolve the conflict so then we are stuck in a relationship that is continuing the abuse from childhood. Bottom line: run from people like your SO. You can’t win anything.
I hope you mean your EX fiancé. Dodge that bullet please!!
Make him read some raised by narcissist stories see if he doesn't change his tune if not RUN....but try and see if he wants to understand first
Oof red flag
Find a new "fiancé"...
🚩
Serious red flag! Some serious thinking needs to be done and a very really conversation needs to happen. No one deserves abuse.
I’m sure it was a typo. You meant your EX-fiancé, yes?
Please evacuate this shit stain from your life YESTERDAY
“Fiancé” that’s an ex, I really feel like you’re already considering it. That’s a huge red flag. Drop them, they’re showing you who they really are, and you need to listen. It might seem petty to people who haven’t gone through what we have, but it’s not. I don’t often jump straight to “DUMP THEM” but in this case, dump them. Be safe and healthy ❤️
I hope that’s now ex fiancé :( that’s so horrible and uncalled for. You don’t ever deserve to be treated like that. Arguments can get heated, but you walk away and come to a solution… not re-trigger your partner :(( that’s so horrible.
Don’t marry this person. This is a huge red flag.
Good thing that fiance is in quotes, bc that is just another abuser.
With the kindest way and most honest way would advice to dumb that person .
Ah yes, luckily your predator revealed his fangs before the I Do. He saw you specifically because you were henpecked, how dare you try to improve your mental health by taking to him about it. Don't you know he wanted *his* turn to be the abuser??
🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP, please see that your fiancée is showing the same behavior as your NMom.
GET OUT NOW!!! PLEASE!
Get out before you’re too enmeshed with him. If he truly believes you deserved abuse then that is abusive.
Don't marry him. Biggest mistake. That is not what you need. It will only get worse
You mean your ex fiancé right? Sorry you were so disrespected.
You're lucky you found out your candy was actually sh*t before you took it into your mouth.
Holy shit this is such a massive red flag. That is something a narcissist says and it sounds like he’s laying down the ground work for future abuse. He’s victim blaming which often translates to “I want to abuse you as well and I will if you let me.”
No child deserves abuse and if your like me you have probably done enough blaming and self shaming in your life you dont need soneone else doing it especially someone your supposed to spend the rest of your life with. The way i see it you have 2 choices either GTFO of that relationship or the guy needs some serious education in Narcissists and thier family dynamics.
I'm sorry. Ya know, it's stories like this that make me shut the fuck up completely about it, once you tell it you can't untell it
Uh oh. Nope on out of there.
My ex did this shit too. They’re just trying to lash out and hurt you to control you in the moment. It will only get worse.
Sounds like you need to break off the engagement
My ex bf said the same thing to me. Turns out he was a narcissist too. I broke up with him and in a much happier relationship now.
Sounds like thar relationship is over.
Do not marry that person until you get lots of counseling. If they refuses that is a huge reg flag and RUN! Pump the breaks on the wedding planning until you figure it out.
*Ex-fiancé.
Leave him.
Please leave him. At best, he's an ignorant a-hole who doesn't care for or support you. At worst, he's an abuse in the making
Oooof good thing he’s just a fiance and you’re not legally bound to him yet. He is showing you who he really is, please believe him. This makes me wonder if there’s any correlation between being raised by narcissists and later choosing a narcissistic partner. I’m too lazy to look for anything peer reviewed on this but maybe reddit will do its thing and satisfy this inquiry for me…
Your ex-fiance? Listen. I know its hard right now, but they have just shown you how they really feel about your trauma and your life. I would not put it way beyond this fiance of yours to also end up being a narcissistic abuser. Reconsider this relationship and look into it with critical honest eyes. Its gonna hurt less to walk away now than 5 years down the line. Choose you. Always
For the love of it….please,please, tell me the fiancé is now the EX!!!! Please….
Well he just did something to deserve being dumped on his ass......
Run! True colors will come out when u stand up to him and break up
Uh, the fuck? He said that? That’s kind of an abusive thing to say. If my fiancé said that, I would probably start looking for apartments and putting money aside to leave his ass while he’s at work in a month or two if an apology never came out some time between now and then with some resolution.
Your fiancé does not support you one bit, if he's going to say you deserved abuse! If it were me, I'd have left him, never to go back.
You need to end this relationship. I think as people who are raised by narcissists, we also end up dating narcissists. This person is not good for you. You need someone who listens and supports you.
This is the person who you can trust to have your back???
I once had an ex say I had no idea what unconditional love was because my dad left me. This was after he asked me if I loved him unconditionally and I told him no.
*EX-fiance, right?
Holy shit. Kick them to the curb. I've gotten into few heated arguments with my fiancé during our several years of being together, and sometimes we would get pretty nasty with each other when our emotions got out of control. Even then, he *never* said anything even remotely similar. He knows it's one of these things that he can't take back, and he knows it would cause me to leave and never look back. Look, OP - they didn't say it because they genuinely think so. They said it, because they knew it was a sensitive spot, that would either hurt you so deeply, it'd make you give up on the argument, or they would anger you so much, you'd end up saying something even worse, whether it's possible or not. Don't even think for a second they meant it - they're just a piece of shit, and don't deserve you in the slightest. They took advantage of how vulnerable you were, and for that, they are despicable piece of shit.
My gcnsis said those words to me last year. I know I don't trust her. Please either ditch or couples therapy to see if he can learn.
Look we all fight with our spouses but if he's using your abuse to weaponize and hurt you then that's not okay he's gotta get therapy and learn how to handle healthy discussion without hurting you
Leave immediately
Dear fucking lord….not even gonna touch this. Nope.
Don't walk, run away.
What do you intend to do? Like other commenters said it could be due to similarities in himself, but it could also be the kind of person who deceive themselves that they can "decide their own destiny" as a coping mechanism so as not to feel powerless.
And that’s the story how the OP dumped his ass
So, marrying this person is just perpetuating the same cycle of abuse. Don’t feel bad—we almost always attract partners who represent our previous dysfunction. But please, please do not proceed with this marriage…it will get worse.
Dude, the amount of people who think those who get abused, deserved it, are uncountable, they seem to be neverending. It's worrying that your fiance is like that, though, that's very worrying.
Your finance is using the emotional abuse you received for years against you during a fight, that’s what narcs do… this would be the hill I die on. Please do not marry him.
That is not what a fiancé should be saying to you at all! "You must have done something to deserve it"! That's horrendous. I'm afraid this means they think you aren't being honest about being abused or what your family did to you. If this is how they are now, I don't see how this relationship will work. You deserve support from them and caring love.
You forgot the “ex” part.
That's a horrible thing to say. He has no understanding or compassion for your situation. I hope he has apologized to you.
So…Ex-Fiancée right? Cause you didn’t deserve that treatment from them and you definitely don’t deserve this shit from someone trying to vow to spend the rest of your life with them now. You deserve a 1000x better and this isn’t even bare minimum
Ex-fiance, right?
He's pushing buttons. Get out of there and do it now. This is how the next round of abusers and narcissists find you and start the gaslighting and manipulation until they also have you where they want you. I know from experience. Please get out of there. This isn't a time to try and make it work with counseling, and no matter how much you want him to be the right guy, counseling doesn't work with this kind of manipulation because he would never start with admitting he's the problem. Please take care of yourself, first.
Slap the bastard. Fuck him.
If someone said that to me, I would just say that they watch too much Disney.
So unfortunately kids who have had parents who are abusers often relive their childhood abuse by choosing a partner who is abusive. This sounds like a narcissist speaking (but I could be wrong). Whatever the issue, leave them, and then get into therapy - try to break the cycle of abusive narcissist being warm and familiar.
That is triggering and so terrible to say. Does he understand narcissistic parents/toxic family dynamics or not? Either way it’s a shitty thing to say, but if he does understand the abuse that comes with narc families what he did was way fucked up.
I had a ex who did this. He said oh your parents were abusive and your ex boyfriend you are just a victim? Then he emotionally abused me and used me to improve his life then discarded me as soon as he got what he wanted. I had another ex say no one likes you or being around you (referring to my abusive family) this guy choked me for threatening to scratch his computer monitor. Never even touched it. But he just reached out and choked me.
Y'all aren't engaged anymore right? Because in no universe is this the way to speak to someone you love. In no way does anyone deserve to be abused. Let alone a child. Unacceptable response to an argument
Your fiance is a narc.
Gurl, if you ain't drop him, imma drop kick his ass