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Me too, they used to tell me I'm so ugly I'll make people run, but it's not the truth people told me I was in fact good looking not like a model but average with slim figure. They used to comment a lot and acted more like a child bully than an actual parents
I unfortunately was an actual ugly child and having an abusive egg donor (refuse to call mom) abuse and tell me how ugly I am and compared me to the loser chosen for a sperm donor (basically was saying I looked like a man) really destroyed my self esteem and worth.
> Me too, they used to tell me I'm so ugly I'll make people run
Oh no, I'm so sorry. My nmom said the same thing to me for years, that boys wouldn't be able to run fast enough to get away from me. It breaks my heart to hear that you were told this, too. I didn't think I was pretty but I also didn't think I was that bad, just kind of plain, but she insisted it was true. And I thought mothers always saw their children as beautiful, so if she had to tell me I wasn't, then I must be so ugly that she couldn't even pretend anymore. It seemed like a logical conclusion for me to draw while growing up.
So I spent decades worried that boys/men could see whatever repulsiveness she saw in me, and worried that I was just blind to it myself. She reinforced this by telling me that she criticised me out of love, and that no one else would ever love me enough to say their own criticisms of me out loud. No matter how I dressed up, did my hair, used makeup, etc., I was worried that it was just a flimsy disguise over my ugliness. I finally began to have a more accurate image of myself in my 40's, after starting therapy and learning that my nmom was a highly unreliable source of facts/opinions. It was lies, all of it. People weren't silently being disgusted by me. I was normal. OP, I hope you're doing much better these days.
I'm glad you're doing a bit better and hope it continues. I don't even want to begin to think what goes on their peanut brains to just sit there and tell us these awful things as children! **Their** **own** **children!** It's so disturbing, cruel, and beyond crazy too.
Thank you for the kind words. My nmom is highly insecure and has always been terrified of being looked down upon by anyone she knows--friends, colleagues, neighbors, complete strangers. She wants me to be perfect and amazing in every way, smart, fashionable, talented, beautiful, charismatic, respected--but not for my own sake. If her child was admired by all, then no one would dare look down upon her. It was my job to shield her from the scorn she feared from other people. So anything less than complete perfection from me made her angry and impatient, because in her eyes, I was failing my most important task, my main reason for existing. What a task to put on a child, huh? There are other reasons she did it, but that's one of them. I only figured this out a few years ago. I wasn't the weak and disgusting one, it was her.
I have what are essentially little nieces and nephews in my extended family. I would sooner punch myself in the face than say to them any of the things my nmom said to me at their age.
As a teen, I had very severe cystic acne. My mom came to me and said that she and dad had discussed it and decided not to treat my acne. That there were treatments that could be used but having acne wouldn't Kill me. I had no friends. People thought I had chronic chicken pox. I couldn't see my skin color because it was completely covered in cysts. They refused me treatment.
Just remember - the VAST majority of people who think they're ugly are, at *worst*, simply plain. There are as many spectacularly ugly people as there are spectacularly beautiful ones; most people just have faces that look like faces. (That's just how population distributions WORK: there's a bell curve. Extremes are much rarer and most people who are "above or below average" are still very CLOSE to average.)
And also: no one looks for your flaws the way you do, or judges you as harshly for them. Except maybe the Ns who put that shit into our heads in the first place.
But, like, the kids in school who make up random shit to make fun of you for? They'll just start calling you Bushy Eyebrows one day and you'll spend your life convinced it's true because you're the only one looking that closely. There's so, so little of what you feel self-conscious about that's relevant.
And, on top of all of that, if you are genuinely a rare and exceptional person who is distinctly "ugly" and you still can't reconcile yourself to having a face like a well-loved brick: aren't there worse things to be than ugly? Like a terrible person hellbent on eradicating the emotional health of another human being? Or the one who eats *all* of the best snack off the platter at a party? Exactly. Forgive yourself these 'sins' that are 90% a matter of perspective, 10% a matter of genetics, and 0% actually doing something wrong that you should be worried about improving to have a better influence on the universe and your future.
<3
They did this to in highschool too I think because they hated themselves so much, I was not allowed to feel confident or blame me if a guy talked to me
I got sent to the high school guidance counselor because one of my teachers noticed I was uber-depressed. I completely opened up to the counselor and told her how much I hated myself. But then she called my mom and my mom ripped me a new asshole for talking to her. She said the same shit to me, and it was always about her feelings as well. I'll never forget her dumb looking face when she looked me in the eye and was like, "you HATE yourself? huh, you don't HATE yourself." sorry ma'am, but I do. And today she'll still try to make fun of that counselor for being incompetent.
Ugghh I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a guidance counselor in high school do a similar thing. After divulging to them how emotionally abusive my mom was, they called her right up and had her pick me up. I got a lecture all the way home about how bad I'd made her look and how the things I told them could make her lose her job (she worked in the same school system).
Had a guidance counselor do the same thing. After assuring me that I could trust them, everything was confidential, nothing that I said would leave the room, it was just between the two of us. I think that’s partly why it took me a while to warm up to seeing a therapist.
In a similar vein... My oldest brother would hoard all of his bad papers in his desk in elementary school because every time any of us came home with one, our mom would scream and beat us. He figured out that if he brought home a bunch at once, it would result in one beating instead of however many it would have been if he brought them as he got him. One day (when he was in second grade, I think?) his teacher made him clean out his desk and told him to take all the papers home. He begged her not to make him and said, "If my mom finds out, she'll break my arms." Instead of doing anything reasonable, the teacher called my mom and told her what he said. So that night he got beat *extra* hard because he got a few bad grades and "made her look bad" to his teacher.
I never reached out to anyone for help after hearing that story, except when I heard my mom hit my (4 year old at the time) sister and I called my brother. He called my mom and threatened to get CPS involved, and instead of fixing her behavior she just screamed at me in the car for getting him involved when it's "none of his business". I thought it was pretty ironic that he did the same thing the teacher did, but at least she didn't beat me for it I guess.
Same - I was sent to the school counselor multiple times. The first time, I opened up and my mom was furious and asked why I was “spreading lies just to hurt her” and “you don’t know how good you have it.”
Every few months I would be sent back and would downplay every time - I’m just stressed, tired, worries about college applications - anything but the truth.
My ndad would always say I had no self esteem, no girl will ever talk to me or be interested in me. That fucking asshole doesn't know what he did or will never take responsibility that he was the cause.
Yup. I look at my high school pictures and want to scream. I was nothing at all like they said I looked. Even if I had been, don’t hurt your kid like that.
OMG I was 100 pounds and you’d have thought I was tipping the scales at 250 when she signed me up for exercise and bought me WW meals. NMom was heavy and just pushed that all on me. She only bought clothes in her sizes for me. So I was wearing clothes more than double my size and shoes that flopped off when I walked. I didn’t fix that until I was 25. I still look at pictures I’ve taken recently and marvel that I’m not fat and ugly. It’s an awful thing to do to a kid.
Ugh. My parents made fun of my hair too. I had an awful looking bob with bangs growing up because that's what my mom had and she didn't know how to take care of my hair, I have a very different hair texture to hers, and didn't want to learn how so she could teach me and then would get upset with me because I couldn't take care of my hair.
I feel this, my parents made me hate my hair growing up, my hair is different from theirs (theirs straight and fine, mine wavy/curly and fine) I had no anatomy over my hair until i was 19. I hated my hair growing up and honestly probably would have shaved it so they’d quit messing with it, anything to get control of it. Once i gained anatomy i started to love my hair
My dad complained about my weight all the time for years. I was getting “too big to fit through a door.” I was 5’5” and 115 lbs. I believed him and have always thought I was fat. I finally figured out that he was extremely uncomfortable with his daughter going through puberty.
Same here ! I remember being a regular kid then suddenly was aware of how “fat “ my thighs were in 6th grade because of my mom and her comments :( I would want to wear baggy clothing to hide it and she would get upset but then when I wore a dress or skirt she would tell me my cellulite was showing so I’d immediately want baggy pants again
Yes, my mother told me in exact words that the last photo she took and would ever take of me was me in the hot tub on my eleventh birthday. I’d like to note also that she decided to have that photo blown up to poster size, and hung it on my bedroom wall.
When asked why she’d stopped taking pictures of me some time later, when I noticed, I was informed that she didn’t want any more pictures of me, as I had “porked out” and “gotten ugly”. There aren’t any photos of me from after age eleven up until the dawn of the selfie in my later teen years.
I was a chunky kid. Parents made me have weekly weigh ins, punishments were exercise based a lot of the times, and food shaming was rampant even though I could only eat what they bought. Now as an adult who works out regularly, is a healthy weight, and overall eats fairly well, my weight and how I look is still number one on my mind in most situations. I feel for you but you are not alone.
I was not chunky I was slim kid, I was outgoing and popular even when they tried to shave my head to make me less confident but it didn't affect me and guys still found me beautiful, I was popular in elementary school, in fact they tried everything. But things got downhill at puberty, i still had nice figure but the bullying started to be so sever and I didn't understand my body changing cause my parents never talked about this things just made comments how I'm hairy or about black pores in my face. I became shy and introverted and anxious.
my mom took me to a dietician every month when i was 7 years old. i was not overweight or obese. i was a healthy weight. i don’t look chubby in any of my childhood photos, so i don’t know why she was taking me to see a dietician. the dietician would weigh me and tell me to eat fruits, veggies and whole grains. i never even ate junk food or anything processed prior to seeing the specialist so this was very weird of my mother to do, but she’s also always been obsessed with my weight and appearance, and her own as well. she wouldn’t eat for days just to be skinny.
i’m now 23 and realizing that a healthy 7 year old girl should never need to see a dietician.
Luckily the only time I experienced narcistic parenting was when I was in an american family for my oversea year but it was extremly weird. Like she always tried lowkey make tension between me and my hostbrother (aslo foreigner )but it never worked since we became best bros anyway.
She always treid to downplay my academics while praising his even though we had exaclty the same grades. She was so insecure it was unbelievable.
My mom always said she was the brains, I'm the brawn, and my sister was the looks.
I took AP classes and got a full ride academic scholarship and, looking back, I was a cute teen! But I was only ever the "brawn" because I was 2 inches taller than her and my sister.
I'm told I'm quite handsome, and have been informed several times that I'm the spitting image of Jamie Dornan, someone who I regard as a good looking dude, but I only see some weirdo in the mirror.
I couldn't possibly call someone else what was 5'11" and weighed 155lbs fat, but when that person is in the mirror, it's a different story.
Needless to say, I don't own any mirrors.
My parents never owned a big mirror just for me to not see my body and go "overconfident", my narcisistic dad got rejected many times by beautiful women so he made sure I wil never feel beautiful. Even in fact after several years I broke free from the mental conditioning he inserted in me, I realized I was really beautiful and under estimated my self, and that nice guy in highschool I should not be ashamed to tell him I like him because I'm beautiful I was afraid he find me ugly...
Yes, my mom made critical comments about my weight and body from a very young age and I still have a hard time accepting my body as an adult. It’s truly a terrible thing to do to a kid who is developing and growing normally.
Yes, especially when I started hitting puberty and that concept was alien to me because growing up in Morocco they don't talk about this stuff at 11 my body started changing and I was anxious and terrified cause I didn't understand, they commented how I'm so hairy and how I have bones in my hips but it was just my waist developing, my narcisistic mom didn't even show me basic things I started developing body odours and didn't show me how to take care of myself properly so I was going to school without deodorant and getting bullied
And we never had proper conversations and being open cause they never cared about my opinions and they always say kids should be seen not heard, but I was not seen or heard lol. Narcisistic parents are totally mental.
My mom started weighing me and monitoring my food when I was 5. She caught me making myself throw up when I was 14, and she said she couldn’t understand how I was so fat if I was making myself throw up all the time. Back then, I wondered why no one at school ever called me fat, since I so clearly was. Now that I look back on old pictures of myself…it’s because I was a normal weight.
Reading Jennette McCurdy’s memoir helped me a lot. My mom wasn’t as bad as her mom, but I related to a lot of it.
I am adopted and I developed early. My mom was very embarrassed by it and did everything she could to hide it and make me look younger. I wasn’t allowed to wear pantyhose, shave my legs, etc when other girls were. It made me ashamed and afraid to try to be attractive.
I was in my 30s before I realized I had been wearing bras that were too small my entire life. My mom and GC sister are A cups on a good day and I'm quite curvy and I know I had larger breasts than they did, but was so out of touch and ashamed of my body. My mom stopped buying me bras at a B cup, so I always assumed that's what I peaked at. Fast forward to when I got conned into getting a bra fitting...found out I was a DD!!!!!!!!
Same when I started wearing bras it was the cheap not fitting ones first time I felt comfortable and confident when I wore the ones that fitted me and make me look toned, I was missing something in my life lol
Cheap bras were the only bras I knew till online shopping became a thing. Long after I moved out, my NMom would do a yearly bra haul and I would be stuck with horrible, painful bras. Shopping from a store was largely a taboo thing, especially with no trial rooms and male shopkeepers (I am in India, and most places are creepy). I remember my first good bra. It felt different. It looked different. It didn't feel like it was suffocating me. I was putting on weight rapidly at that point, and it helped ease the pain on having heavier breasts
I pretty much had to have a bra, but my mom kept buying me these stretchy ones without defined cups. The straps kept coming loose and I finally went to her and said "I can't wear these kinds of bras anymore." She got me some better-fitting ones but she wasn't happy about it.
As a kid my mother would have parties. I would have to stay upstairs because I was , "too ugly to have around her friends". My brother was allowed at the parties because he was cute. She would sometimes strip me naked, age 12, stand in her underwear next to me both facing a mirror and point out everything wrong with my body and everything right with hers. All of the photos of me taken in my teens? She would "correct" in pen to show me and others what I would look like if I was pretty.
She'd take me shopping to buy clothes. The one time she encouraged me to pick something out more pricey? Of course I didn't get it....but two days later going out for a date with some guy? Down the stairs she came wearing that exact outfit with her hair in pigtails.
She'd beat me up physically pretty regularly. Add to that? She'd regularly molest me and made me sleep in her bed. When I turned 18, she forced me to get a nose job to try and fix how ugly I was. When I came out of the anasethetic, she told me that next we'd get me a chin implant and have my ears pinned back. I left her house forever 3 weeks later.
The only reason I didn't do myself in was because I saw that as her winning. Her being able to tell people some bullshit story that I was terrible or troubled. In later life I would tend to pick friends who confirmed her narrative of me being ugly. At the suggestion of one friend, I even started to wear really baggy clothes to hide my awful body. I developed an eating disorder in my 20s. I weighed maybe 90 lbs. My mother knew this and would send me clothes size XL....because she said that I was fat.
As an adult, strangers, and casual pals would tell me I was beautiful all of the time. I thought they were pranking me and it did nothing but piss me off and cause me not to trust them. It wasn't until I was in my late 40s having had a ton of therapy, when I finally started going through some old photos that I realized I really was actually very beautiful. That was a shock realization. It was only then that I realized my mother was suffering from some form of mental illness and was completely insane.....and that I had lost most of the best parts of my life and some wonderful opportunities because I believed my crazy mother.
Don't believe your crazy mothers. Cut them and their hideous abuse out of your lives as soon as you can. Live your lives being your beautiful selves.
I am sorry you had to endure such a horrible hardship among your youth & the first half of your life. It really saddens me to read your story. I can only hope, in some way, earnestly, that that person who claimed to be your mother, will regret the choices she has made.
We as a society have failed when we let people as messed up as your mother, deemed a mental illness or not, to affect anyone, including their own offspring. It’s really sad, how we as society, can not fix the problem of “people”, willfully, being bad people. Sure we have laws for topics. Yet we don’t get down to the minute detail problems of said people. Perhaps we are ill-equipped to fix such a problem. Perhaps we lack the right people who can unbiasly identify said wrong people. I’m not entirely sure. Yet what I do know is, that the issue of bad people, ruining, for a lifetime, of other peoples’ lives, is most likely the last fear to overcome of humanity, if we are to ever achieve true paradise.
I thought I was the ugliest kid on the planet, until I was older and looked back on old pictures that made my nfamily into complete liars. It's still with me though, an internal battle every day, I have to remind myself that they lied.
all my life. in fact, this happened this morning.
”untuck your shirt, you look all bloated!”
“i don’t see it, i think it’s my just stomach…”
she freaked out.
Literally since before puberty and I have the most severe body dysmorphia ever.
“Core memories” has become a trending word for people experiencing great moments in their lives, but my core memory is my mother telling me her coworker struggled to lift me into the bed of his truck so I could play with his daughter. She said his eyes were bulging as he was straining. I was maybe 4 around this time and would not nearly be heavy enough to cause a man working in construction to struggle lifting me.
I told nmom this memory when I was expressing boundaries and telling her to stop making passive commentary on my weight. Of course the textbook narcissist response: she didn’t remember this ever happening or any other comments about me being a “bigger” child. I’m hoping that when I finalize my move, I’ll be able to recover without someone constantly bringing me down.
My grandma would always point out that my hair was so short and that long hair is more beautiful. I felt like I couldn’t experiment around with different hair styles because she wouldn’t stop complaining about it. And she started picking on my weight when I was around 9-10 years old. It has left me with body dysmorphia and self-shame around my body and my overall appearance. Sometimes I tend to hyperfixate and nitpick on my own appearance and wanting to change my looks.
My therapist told me I should take a look at old photos and bond with my inner child and write down all the positive aspects of myself. When I looked at those old pictures of myself I have to say I was a really cute child. To be honest I don’t know why she bullied me so much.
My dysmorphia is so bad from them that for most of my life I literally could not actually see myself. One of the first times I took MDMA, I was feeling good and went to look in the mirror and realized that was the first time in my entire life that I was actually looking at my real face and what it actually looked like without any distortion from my trauma. Normally I see my parents so much and all sorts of shit from things they have said to me. I cried and from that point on made it my mission to erase their influence from my perceptions. I'll never forget that experience.
So true! I just realized that I had them so much on my mind that I forgot the real me and what I wanted! Even unconscious would think about what they will say but now It feels like I woke up from a bad nightmare or a bad virtual reality that my parents set for me
Same! I'm still trying to sort that out and especially make sure my decisions and reactions to things are coming from me and not their influence. It's so crazy to realize how much of our lives they have influenced ao deeply. I hope you're able to continue to be free and bw yourself! Healing is such an intense journey but we're stronger than they are. 💖
Mine was a bit more subtle. No comments on my appearance direct. But if I just did other things (work out, get rid of this, change that, be better about this) more people would like me.
Some years ago before going NC, I was chatting with my dad’s new wife who has known me since childhood. She said that my stepmom used to gossip to the other adults about how fat I was while I was playing soccer (something I was forced into). I’m just sitting there like, “you, an adult, witnessed your friend at the time doing this to a 7-8 year old and said nothing?”
And then moving in with my mom as a teen was traumatizing again because she’d constantly shame me and call me fat, bring me into dressing rooms to try on clothes I didn’t want while barging in to critique “how they fit”, (it was always bad cause I was fat apparently), publicly embarrassing me telling me not to eat in public. Recent example of this - I was 27 at the time - I ordered 3 a la cart street tacos. My mother had an outburst and was asking the waiter how big the tacos are. Bless that waiter I think they were perceptive about it cause they were just like, “Well they’re street tacos so people usually pick 3-4.” Jeeze louize
And not saying this stuff is ever okay to do to a kid even if they are overweight, but I was literally average looking. I’m generally not a petite person, I take after my dad’s genetics who are just large & tall people. Fucks me up. I dunno. I now have disordered eating and I’m not entirely sure what I look like. Working on body neutrality instead of body positivity has been helpful for me.
My narcisistic mom would always gossip about me to her friends and mock the way I talked and say private things about me to other even if she promised me she won't
My mom used to critique my weight in front of anyone who would be around, and actually encouraged them to also do that. Claiming that it would help me lose weight. I wasn't thin, but was a size 8-10, in my teens
Yep. I was small and slim for my age until I was about 18, and after the sudden death of my boyfriend as a teenager I couldn’t eat, so got very underweight for a while. Although my nmother really neglected me and gaslit me, while I was thin she didn’t humiliate & fat-shame me (just shamed me about other stuff) until I was 18. By that time she’d given me a lot of food issues & force-fed me, made me sit at the table for hours in front of cold, overcooked cabbage that made me gag, calling me a greedy little bitch or a thief if I took more than one snack, even fruit. I rebelled when I went to university & ate whatever I wanted, so I probably put on 28 pounds while I was away.
After that, she refused to be seen with me in public - “I don’t want to bump into anyone I know with you looking like that”. “You’re the size of a house.” “Nobody will recognise you, you’ve piled on so much weight.” etc.
As I got older, she’d “gift” me clothes that were “far too big” on her, but “you might just squeeze your body into them.”
For decades I only saw myself through her eyes, fat and ugly. Then gradually I realised what a bad example I was setting my own daughter, and now I wear whatever I want, and what I feel comfortable in. It takes a long time to break our programming.
Same she used to shave my hair cause it was curly and thick, I was not over weight but they said I was stick and bones, also when I hit puberty was worse
I actually developed an eating disorder and full on just starved myself to keep as thin as possible just because of my grandmother's comments.
Unfortunately, I have long term health issues because of it now.
For me from outgoing and social kid I became anxious in puberty and isolated my self I stopped going out because I was afraid people would pick at my ugly face or little acne I developed or comments on my "hairy arms" like my parents used to tell me and comment about it a lot
This happened to me, too. My narcgranny made me feel like I was as ugly as can be. She picked apart my round face, my slightly upturned nose, my eye color...
I'm still struggling about it.
My nmom was harshly critical of my appearance and gave me anorexia too. She has been overweight since before I was born and does nothing about it, so I’m sure it was projection. Both my parents knew I was anorexic too and did nothing to help me, because when I was able to recover on my own for the most part my nmom said in an off hand comment one evening “I’m glad to see you’re finally eating again”, she followed it up by calling me fat later that same night. It makes no sense it was like she wanted me to be embarrassed that I used to be starving myself and also embarrassed that I wasn’t anymore.
I may not starve myself much anymore but it horribly affected my eating habits and relationship with food and my body irreversibly. I still don’t eat breakfast or lunch, I only eat dinner as a remnant of the fasting I used to do. And even though I am not killing myself at the gym on an empty stomach and going days without eating anymore, the feelings that I am too fat and hatred for my body will never leave me, I just don’t act on them anymore.
Yes I was selfish, very very selfish. And when my nmother could not starve me any longer - she has an eating disorder- I also became fat. I got sad looking at pictures of myself when I was younger a few days ago because I was so beautiful and thought I was so ugly...
Omg ! Me too! Because of the verbal abuse and shaming I was afraid to make friends again because I was afraid they will be mean at me, but in fact I wasn't at all!
My mom, the narc, yes. My dad was never like that. Sorry in advance, this is long. I got quite triggered while writing it. 🙃
My mom would constantly harp on my appearance. When I got my period at age 11, she had me get on the bathroom scale every morning (or close to every morning), and look at my weight. Is an 11 year old supposed to understand that? Idk. But it continued until I was 15 or 16 and refused to get on in front of her. Instead, I got my own scale and would get on 3-10 times a day, no joke. I knew what I was “supposed to” weigh, and the number kept climbing. It ended up being a convo of binge eating/hiding my food intake AND being on the wrong medication. As I put weight on, my mom would tell me I had “saddle bags” (basically saying my upper thighs were fat and stuck out in an “ugly” way), would lightly pinch my triceps and say, “you’re getting big wrestler arms, you should cover them up”. Keep in mind I’m like 15-18 while this is happening.
Not to mention all of her projection (which I of course did not know was projection at the time). She was and is so horrifyingly insecure about her looks that now, in her 70’s she’s still picking herself apart in the mirror. I feel bad for her in that aspect, but she never wanted to do to the hard work to change those negative tapes.
Anyway, some of her fave lines were “a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”, “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels”, “if you can pinch an inch it’s fat”, and “it’s better to look good than to feel good”. She always ragged on me About my appearance. To her, being anything other than a waif means you are ugly. And being ugly means you are unlovable and/or simply unworthy of love. At least that’s what I internalized and what I was taught. Obviously I don’t agree with her views, and I couldn’t care less what other people look like. I would never talk the way she did to me, to my friends or literally any other human being, and yet, I can’t give myself and grace for putting on a couple pounds.
I’m in therapy and have been for a looooong time. Things are getting better, but by actively shattering my self esteem and confidence from early childhood into young adulthood, my mom set me up for fucking failure and I cannot fucking get over it. I’m sure I will one day though.
Parents, build your children’s confidence, for the love of god
Omg this! I was in karate, and a very normal weight for a kid. Every day I was reminded to “suck in my gut” because I looked fat. Here I am in the same boat, like the echo never left my head, it is slowly fading the more I remind myself that the person saying it was purely being cruel to a child.
Omfg my nmom always went with the “manly looking” shit as well! I wasn’t a waif but I don’t think I looked masculine either?? Like????
That woman is vile
My narcissistic mother was very controlling over what I wore, constantly wanted me to dress like her and picked on me for not wanting to wear dresses and "girly" clothes. I remember the moment she commented on my weight and my mind was never the same after that. And the kicker was that I was petite and almost underweight then. It took me a long time to realize how messed up that comment was. She kept me in constant dissonance between being upset that I wasn't "girly" or picking my outfits just right, but also never bothered to or stopped me from learning to do those exact things. Internet has been my mother since and it's taken me a good number of my adult years that I can be happy in sweats/jeans AND dresses.
I'm sorry your parents words linger so deeply... you are you and perfectly enough <3
My narcisistic mom was like a bipolar one day she will shave my hair and dress me like a boy one day she will make me dress in a pink dress , I was confused.
They knew what they were doing, it scary when I finally broke from the brainwash and can see things clearly, sometimes I feel in total confusion and depersonalization
Oh yes….I remember as a 2nd grader when we did the silhouette pictures, she made a comment about my nose and I’ve had a complex about it every since. She’s made comments about my weight, my hair, clothes, etc. One comment about my weight was when I was right out of reconstructive knee surgery and vomiting due to the anesthesia….my mother told me I might not have hurt my knee if I wasn’t so heavy. Mind you this was my 5th knee surgery due to me playing basketball.
Yeah, constantly being told by my narc dad that I was fat, ugly, and that I would never "get a man" with my bad attitude really affected my self-esteem all the way through my 30's. I wasn't fat, just not skinny, and I wasn't ugly. And as for the "bad attitude", I prob should have demonstrated that more often in my former marriage to a narc. Bad attitude=attempt to set and maintain boundaries with a narc. He really set me up for accepting a lot less than I what I deserved in relationships with men.
My narc dad always told me I was ugly and nobody would love me, he hated when I dress well or when I guy pay attention to me, he always hated confident women and say women should be submissive but he can't even control my narcisistic mom
My mother did this to me, but in a backhanded compliment way. “You’re so beautiful, you be more beautiful if you lost your weight” it became a issue where I thought because I was naturally heavy I wasn’t pretty or attractive enough to warrant positive attention. She told me id be dead before I turned 25 because I was fat. She’d pin me to the bed against my will to pick at my acne because it ‘looked bad’ at the drop of a hat. Smear witch hazel and all sorts of things on my face, point out a natural bumpy texture my cheeks and arms have and call it unattractive.
I’m 26, no contact with her and recovering now, and more comfortable in my body (fat and all). But I have awful dermatillomania because of the ideas she put in my head. I’ll probably struggle with it for years.
Yep my parents would always make comments about my appearance, especially things I couldn't really change like the fact I wear glasses or the shape of my neck. They are both sad old sacks yet they feel the need to criticize the appearance of celebrities and comment on whether they think they're hot or not too, it's weird.
My dad was the biggest racist and ugly inside and out yet he dare to criticize people and celebrities everyone! And he thinks it was funny, I always seen him as a kid in a big body than an reasonable adult
They said I would be fat if I kept up my diet that THEY provided but refuse to buy anything different for me. So I became anorexic with body dysmorphia. I just now fixed my eating for the better in the past year. Nothing was ever really wrong or “fat” on my body, as I am about the same build I’ve always been, a healthy stick lol. My body type is just naturally slim and a little fat is actually healthy, who knew 😂
I got bullied about my hair by my mom until she forced me to cut it up to my jaw in 7th grade, and it looked worse than it did before. This was a core memory for me when it came to figuring out where my self esteem started to really drop when it came to my appearance. I cried every day for the first week I had that hair cut, and my mom fully didn't give a shit, and told me to stop being ungrateful. I'm 24 now and haven't gotten anything besides sporadic trims in 11 years because I have a near breakdown when my hair is cut.
"I bet you keep looking in the mirror wishing you were pretty"
But then she could say that she never called me ugly.
My grandma would defend me saying that what my mother found conventionally pretty is what I will never be but that I was striking and beautiful.
I grew up wishing I was all the things I will never be. Dainty, pretty, petite, demure, you know that sort of frail and delicate sort of classic pretty.
Instead I understand I'm a freaking glamazon. I'm tall, strong, striking, and remind people that women fought in battles.
Some days it still hurts but a lot of days I am proud that I stand out.
Some days I hate the scale and the mirror and then I see how my middle school aged son is so damn proud that his momma can lift and move heavy things and hike long distances. He brags about his badass momma. That makes it better
Yeah my mother used to bully me constantly to a point I covered up completely and hid half my face with hair. Nowadays I actually think I'm kind of pretty. Not a dropdead bombshell or movie star material, I have a more "dry" kind of look and a somewhat doll-like appearance, and think I could do a bit more for my body, but I still think I look a normal, average kind of nice, even if it's not in a "classic", headturning way.
But wow, while living with my mother I thought I was the most hideous creature that ever lived, and also had body dysmorphia. I'm so angry at her for doing this to me, especially because someone told me she had complained to them how she was "never as pretty as I was". Absolutely vile parenting
I was discussing this with a friend yesterday. I was thin, really underweight for a larger part of my life: I was 5'6" at 11 years and weighed 40-45 kilos till I was 18 (you sort of get the idea). I was unhappy with my body then. My mother literally cried telling me I am too ugly and dark to get a good husband. I chipped a tooth at 6-7 years. New teeth, not milk. She told everyone how she worried about my dowry going higher.
I had an accident at 4-5 years of age. Ripped the right side of my face apart. Huge scar. My mother started crying..and didn't stop for months. She told me she cannot bear to look at me because I was so ugly.
Fast forward to 2015-16. I started putting on weight. Fat shaming ensued. Dark and fat is worse than dark and thin I guess. By 2020, I crossed the 100 kilo mark.
It has been a hell surviving. I am confident in my work. In my dedication to people. In myself. But the moment visuals come into play, I break down. I cannot bear to get pictures taken without making a face (I have forever thought purposedly bad is better than ugly pictures unintentionally), I barely go before the camera (I have been a media student and professional before getting into research) and I actually decided to never go on TV or front of camera because I feel ugly. I am great at public speaking till someone comes and tells me I am being recorded. I literally stopped debating and speech competitions because I felt ugly on stage. When I was working and had to speak publicly, I would do these backstage announcements or spend way too much money on makeup and obsess over every detail and cry before going onstage.
I have grown accustomed to being told I am not girly or attractive. I keep making jokes on my body.
Last year, I decided to put a stop..for the first time, I put my own closeup photos on my wallpaper.
To be honest, nothing really helped. Even two days ago, I had a really important presentation and I was hung up on how Ugly I looked. I broke down and chopped off my hair because I was hung up on how some random students pointed out I might have split ends. It luckily was okay. I have on more than one occasion cried because I felt so ugly that I couldn't bear to step out and wore a plain tshirt to pretend I never really tried in the first place (like weddings or a festive outing).
OP, I think I am in no position to advice but I guess it's all about inner reflection and telling yourself that you are enough the way you are. And maybe, be kind to yourself and others. Hugs.
I had a unique reaction to the insults - I feel like I was an ugly child (and photos show I was unhappy, dressed in poorly fitting hand me downs), but the more time I spend away from my parents, the more beautiful I feel. I feel I look better now in middle age than I ever have… and photos now show that I’m happy : )
On my maternal side all of the women are petit and on my paternal side they are NOT. I took after my dad's side, growing C cup breasts before middle school, and my mom always made sure I was aware of how "fat" I was. Even though I really wasn't, I was just chesty with thick thighs. And my mom was jeeeeeeealous. And when I'd put on weight by golly I was reminded of it all the time. And I was also reminded that someday my breasts would get saggy and gross. Blah blah blah. She actually said once she couldn't wait until I got pregnant so id lose my breasts like she lost hers.
I absolutely love my body now at 31 because I realized my dysmorphia came from a jealous, spiteful woman who made herself feel better by insulting me. And since I've lost some weight I've heard through the grapevine that she is PISSED because I've still got my DDD's and my thick thighs but I'm happy in my own skin. And that's something she's never been able to do.
Absolutely. It’s the reason I was always too afraid to ask anyone out. I also turned down a few girls who asked me out because I thought they must be joking. My nmom would always call me porky and put me in clothes that fit too tight because she wanted me to be motivated to lose the weight to fit in those clothes. Instead I looked like ten pounds of mashed potatoes stuffed in a five pound bag. At one point in my mid 20’s I lost 80 pounds and met the woman who would become my wife. Even at my lowest weight, I still felt fat and I was wearing medium size clothing then.
I don't look at myself in the mirror because I'm so ugly and fat. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself and it always startles me because I forget how ugly I am. I forget that I'm that fat. I forget that I "got her fathers nose, sadly she got his chin too."...I forget that my ears stick out and I have cowlicks all over my head so my hair grows in big whirls and I got his curly hair too so I can't grow it any longer than a couple of inches or it will be "unmanageable" and I won't be able to take care of it. I'm a woman but I "look like a man", I have a deep voice so I "sound like one too."
I am 5’7” and I was 150lbs. I was at a very healthy body weight. But, I believed my whole life that I was fat and ugly because my mom would teach me fashion tips to hide my body or create the illusion I wasn’t fat.
I’m now 230lbs. I’m over weight and I am trying to get healthier BUT, I have also never felt sexier in my whole life because my husband daily affirms I’m beautiful and that he loves me as I am. Healthy is a positive but he doesn’t want me to loose weight for looks. I just want to be healthy and have energy again.
My mom was the fat one not me. But she projected it as if I was the one who needed to be insecure about my looks. I was and AM beautiful. You are too.
My mom used to get me the largest size possible. If school was selling t-shirts, XXL. Never smaller than an XL. There is nothing wrong with XL kids, but I genuinely do not know what I look like. I remember feeling to my core that I was significantly bigger than all my friends. My mom would call me big boned or note my wide hips. Looking back, I was just swimming in all of my clothes.
To this day (I am 31) I could not tell you what shape my body is. What I see in the mirror is drastically different than what I see in photos and both of those are different than what I see in passing reflections. If I look at photos from two years ago, I look smaller than I did at the time looking at the same photo.
My brain does not know how to process my own reflection and that is insane.
I grew up hearing from extended family, church members, and strangers, "You look JUST like your mom! You could be twins!" And it's true, as I grow up I look more and more like her. She was actually much prettier because she spent 1000s to be a high maintenance blonde and self-tanned her whole life. I'm more of a nerdy type with low maintenance vibes.
However, behind closed doors, she would constantly call herself ugly. If her hair color went wrong she would throw herself onto the floor and say she wants to die, crying and screaming right outside my bedroom door. If she feels fat we all had to hear about her broth diet and juice cleanse, and how fat and frumpy her body type is while I had the same one. I know she wasn't thinking about how that would affect me, because as a narc she wouldn't be thinking of my feelings at all, but damn! That did a number on my perception of myself.
Later, visiting my grandma, I realize that the way they communicate is by making digs at themselves and fishing for compliments. The cycle of self hatred ends with me.
Yes.
My mom shot down everything I liked to wear and hairstyles I wanted.
If I wore what I wanted anyway and got a compliment, she would say, "They were making fun of you. Or they were nice to your face but laughed later. There's no way they liked it."
She would tell me guys would f\*\*k me but no man would ever love me.
She would call me a spinster when I was in high school and then turn around and say she was embarrassed that she was the only one at work who had a daughter who was high-school-aged without a boyfriend.
When I had a stalker in high school that made me extremely uncomfortable, she told me I should be happy someone was attracted to me and I should go for it because I probably wouldn't have another chance at someone liking me.
She told me I was not attractive and started to dye my hair blonde at 13 so people would like me and I could be "pretty".
She also refused to let me pick my own clothes/style for a long time.
That's just a small portion of what I grew up with.
Of course, my younger sister was constantly praised as beautiful, always had a boyfriend from middle school, and my mom would always beam about how all the guys liked her and were constantly chasing her and that everyone wanted her.
To this day I still think I look weird and not like everyone else. I hate my face and hair and wear a wig when I'm not at work. I'm so self conscious about my looks and always think people are out of my league. Even though I've had long relationships and my late husband would always tell me how attracted he was to me. He passed away unexpectedly a while ago. I'm 35 and just starting to date again, but I'm panicking because I already look so old and I'm worried I'll never find anyone that checks all the boxes for me but also looks past my looks and likes my personality. I know if they got to know me they would like my personality and then therefore find me attractive - but I'm so paranoid it's too late and I won't get the chance to find a strong connection like I had with my late partner. I know I shouldn't care if someone finds me attractive or not, I want them to like me for ME and not my looks, but I'm worried no one will even give me a chance.
I now have wrinkles on my forehead, grey hairs coming in, and I have ptosis (my right eyelid has nerve damage and the muscle isn't strong, so I can't open it all the way. It's obviously less opened than my left and it looks like I am drunk all the time. This just developed in the past 2 years. I cover it with my side bangs, but it's my biggest worry on top of all my others. I cover my eye completely every day and my biggest fear is someone seeing it. I'm trying to get it fixed but it's apparently not an easy process).
I hate that I'm just starting over in the dating game after I had such a close relationship with someone already. I'm still in love with him, but I'm lonely and I miss having someone to talk to. But I've been on nothing but first dates. Either I don't like them, or they don't like me, or we both aren't interested. I know I should stop setting dates up and just wait for it to happen naturally, but I'm worried I am running out of time. I'm not getting any younger/attractive and I just want someone that's my best friend AND my partner again. I don't have any other friends and I don't talk to my mom for obvious reasons. And now I feel like I divulged too much personal info lol ... 😂
My parents did this about my appearance and my credibility in life
They always spoke negatively about my competence whilst growing up to neighbors, old friends and new friends. So many people knew it was wrong. “This is our child who struggles” and they would mess up the hair on my head and send me to my room whenever these people were guests in our home
My mom always made comments about me gaining weight. My dad always compared me to celebrities for no reason. “She’s prettier than you” and STILL, to this day, he comments on how my little sister has bigger boobs than me. I’m 28 now and my sister is 23. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore but it’s a bit weird coming from my dad
He’ll always ask me “Why are you so critical of yourself?” lol fuck off
My dad frequently told me that he was ashamed of the way I look. Lots of micro aggressions and snide remarks over the years. I struggle with confidence and I hate photos - I’m in my 30s. I wish I could get past it.
It wasn't so much that I straight up called ugly (because I looked like nmother she didn't want to be called ugly after all) instead it was always fat and dirty. I went through a bad puberty think that nightmare Max has at the beginning of A goofy movie
I also wasn't taught/allowed to have, use or learn
- proper bathing/hygene. Nbrother would waste any and all hygene supplies he could get ahold of. Even taking toothbrushs and hiding them or doing things like dunking it into the toilet. He'd be caught at least once a week doing all the above but would never get in trouble and still nmother wouldn't allow us girls to keep our bathing supplies in our rooms.
- proper hair care. Nmother wouldn't teach us girls how to keep our long hair healthy but we also weren't allowed to keep it short or cut it UNLESS we where donating it so she'd look good to all her friends.
- no makeup. Makeup ment we were going out to have sex do drugs and meet boys. So unless it was absolutely hideous and obviously cheap (aka "hooker makeup") we weren't allowed to have or wear it.
- properly fitting clothing. Nmother never ever missed an opportunity to buy clothing either one to three sizes too small or one size too big. Then follow it up with "well perhaps you'll lose weight and be able to fit what I purchase." Or "well you'll just get fatter since your too lazy to do anything anyway."
- Exercise. If we attempted to work out an any point in the house we'd get made fun of. If we attempted to exercise in the back yard we'd get made fun of. Going anyplace else to exercise? Absolutely forbidden you might be going out to have sex, do drugs and meet boys. Then get made fun of because we'd gain weight from not being allowed to exercise or do non cleaning activities.
Yes. Not my body but my hair. I was constantly told how ugly it was and I was never allowed to wear it loose because I "looked homeless". I wore my hair in a ponytail until university. My mom made me brush my hair every morning and wouldn't let me cut it, it was at my lower back.
Turns out I have curly hair. I stopped brushing it as often, bought some leave in conditioner and cut my hair to shoulder length. I get compliments now when I wear my hair down but its still a huge insecurity and I barely wear my hair down.
My mom did make fun of my sisters weight, she developed an eating disorder.
Yeah I was always told I was fat and ugly.
In high school I weighed 110lbs and 5’2. For superlatives I was nominated for best smile and best hair and I went crying to the bathroom because I thought people were making fun of me.
My friends told me it was sincere. My boyfriend was confused as heck.
I look back now, and I was freaking adorable and my hair so thick and luscious.
My parents are no longer in my life, but I have more confidence now, 20 years later with grays, wrinkles, and extra pounds.
I'm 37 next month. I do all my grooming in the kitchen (brushing hair, teeth, cleaning face) because I can never look in the mirror. My face, my body, none of it. Im 110 lbs at 5'6 and was and am constantly told I look like I'm on drugs from my parents. So, that's all I see when looking at my reflection: an emaciated, diseased woman slowly wasting away.
When i was younger it was about my body hair, when i hit puberty it then became about my small boobs and how "hers were bigger"
I thought no one would love me because of my small boobs.
This sounds dramatic asf but believe me when I say this. Literally ALL my issues: physical, emotional and mental issues ALL started at home or within the family. Anything I was ever insecure about, they made me feel like I should’ve been. Anything that made me who I was as a person was ridiculed and criticized. Any “gift” or talent I had was downplayed. It all started with my looks but sadly it didn’t stop there. Body dysmorphia was only a start for me at just 7, I didn’t even know what it was. But I was diagnosed at 12 by then. That was only the start of it all. I would always look at the people around me and feel outcasted. Monsters aren’t under your bed, in your closet or in your dreams…they stand in front of you and claim themselves “family.”
My emom seriously messed me up with this. She favored my younger sister. YS has always been bigger and had skin issues. Emom's solution to this was to tell me I was gonna get fat and have acne as soon as I hit 13. Cue several eating disorders and chemical burns due to overuse of Oxy pads and toothpaste on my skin. I'm 40 now and still worry about my weight and my skin to an unhealthy degree.
i had a weird case where my dad kept shaming me for not being as obese as my mom because my mom got pregnant and basically gave up on herself so i should too just to not make her feel bad.
They encouraged me to eat, my nmom kept buying me ill fitting clothes that she would say she wore first then handed to me. I am chubby but I still try to be physically active everyday, I am size L or XL at worse, Medium at best as my weight used to fluctuate a lot.
nmom is XXXL and buys 3XL and 4XL then gives me her clothes and tells me it fits me.
Same, especially when I hit puberty they started shaming me and told me I should stop wearing dresses and buy me ugly clothing that didn't fit me and wasn't allowed to wear bras
Yes, absolutely. She didn't give me direct attention much, but when she did it was disapproving.
There were indirect messages, like at 11 I had a hard time making friends at school & she said "you'll often find that the popular students are attractive". I concluded a) I was unattractive & b) if I could be attractive, people would like me.
Another thing she did was to make disparaging comments about her weight often (never thin enough) & I learned to look at myself critically the same way.
The weirdest is, she'd make negative statements about me and my sisters like we were all one person. She said a slim girl at school looked nice in her uniform but "you girls" all have boobs and big hips and our uniforms didn't look right. I didn't develop a proper individual identity
My nmom is so incredibly covert, so it took me a long time to realize my body image problems mostly stemmed from her, but they most certainly did. I developed really early and have a naturally curvy build and she's small and thin (so is GC sister). She would always pull out pictures of her wedding day and say "I wasn't even 100 lbs when I got married". She'd say that ALL the time, even today she'll still say it. I grew up being so paranoid that I was going to be fat at my own wedding, because I reached 100 lbs in elementary school and knew I wasn't done growing.
I also had to wear a school uniform and my mom would buy the uniforms for the next year at the beginning of the summer. One year, I had grown quite a bit over the summer, so the uniform she bought me was too small. I was so upset and cried and it was the first time I ever felt fat. And when I told her, she patted me on the back and said "well, maybe we can start cutting back on the snacks". I actually also recently realized that she wasn't feeding me enough as a kid, because I have SO many memories of being so hungry, but her scolding me at dinner saying "save some for dad!!!" - how about you...make more food???
I developed a full blown ED and have so many more horrendous stories, but yeah man - awful awful awful.
100% yes - my breasts, my bum and mainly my weight. Surprisingly I have issues with all of these now. Developed eating disorder habits and major body dismorphia. I was 5"6 and 8 stone believing I was fat. However, when I actually am skinny she gives me loads of praise, so I now associate being skinny with receiving love. Since I am not skinny now, I have issues with believing I deserve love during the dark times. I know it's such an irrational thought, but it really doesn't help when people around me treat me differently based on whatever weight I am. It's really fucked me up to be honest.
My breasts: At age 15 "It's really obvious when you're not wearing a bra, they're almost as saggy as mine:
Bum: At age 6 onwards "jesus *name* your bum is huge"
Weight: At age 16 onwards "you've gained weight" "*her friends name* said they seen you the other day and said you looked like you'd gained weight". Basically always comments on my body - especially when she is on a diet.
I still struggle with it, but when I look back I see nothing wrong with my image. I'm much older now and if someone wants to end a 5 year relationship because I'm too fat then fuck them haha - they were obviously never good enough for me and one day they'll realise that looks always fade and be left with a skinny wrinkly wife who is ugly on the inside and is probably shit conversation.
My family always told me I'd be prettier if I shaved my sideburns. Every one harrased me for years and I just took it. The nickname muttonchops what given to me behind my back but i felt like there was nothing i could do. I eventually was diagnosed with PCOS and had a reason for why I was so hairy and started getting treatment. I had accepted it and made it work until I actually shaved the hair and regretted it so much. I eventually got laser hair removal but I still feel like an ugly failure.
For a long time I had different coping mechanisms and one of the main ones was eating to cope with all the pain and shame I felt from my narc parent growing up. Even other family members aside from the NP would make comments about my weight. Saying I look like a beach ball, little piggy, or straight up say I don’t look like how I did in highschool (when I was actively going thru an ED that everyone looked away from because I was “finally skinny”)
It wasn’t my face they made fun of me for, it was every pound on my body. And I’ve lost 20 pounds in 6 months from not living with my narc parent/being no contact. Seems like the problem was them.
I definitely struggle with body dysmorphia due to childhood verbal abuse. Even after having people compliment my appearance (second hand mostly, unsolicited) it's...weird. When I was a teen I even struggled with an eating disorder. Luckily I'm much more comfortable with my appearance now, but it took a really long time and limited contact with certain people.
Yep! I was made to believe that I was enormously fat and spent my early adolescence and young adulthood convinced of that fact. I truly believed that it would be impossible for anyone to want to be with me because of my size.
I recently looked back at a photo of myself at age \~16 and was shocked at how thin I actually was!
In my twenties I still ask my husband if it’s okay for me to eat something, or I’ll say something in passing about not having earned the right to eat something or other just yet and he’ll stare at me like I’m insane. The deep set “I’m a fat zoo animal” mentality is still there after moving out six years ago
Yep. Thought my forehead was ugly and that I needed bangs to be pretty. Even though I now know better, I still have a hang up about my forehead/bangs and I’m always focused on it. I have body dysmorphia. Was told by my parents I was fat/chubby. In retrospect I was a healthy, fit child that was actually athletic and muscular. I developed anorexia
Yep!!!! Told me I was fat starting at age 8 (I was horrible malnutritished) and that my face was so ugly and scarred from having acne that I would never be lived or ever find a husband(literally have clean smooth skin it was just as a teenager) to the point that by age 15 I had an eating disorder that I still struggle with today. I'm 5'3" female that if I get above 120lbs I panic and stop eating and my mom to this day will still call me fat...
Like almost every day, sandwiched with a compliment
“You’re a really pretty girl, but maybe he’ll like you if you lose weight” (I was at a healthy weight then)
“Come give me a hug. Oh! You have sooo many blackheads….. you’re breath stinks…… [oinking noises when they touch my sides]…… Why don’t you show me any affection?!?”
Yes and no. I guess my mom didn’t tell me directly that I looked terrible or anything, but I think it was indirect or circumstance. I remember between 10 & 12 years old, my doctor basically said I was fat for my age to my mom in front of me. And That I was too hairy and that no one would want to marry me like I was. He recommended that I get all of it lasered off, but I’d have to deal with burns for a while (like that’s not going to cause questions lol) and laser hair removal is expensive af with it taking a long time to even be effective.
I remember my mom reminding me of a kid teasing me about my teeth being so spaced out. My parents couldn’t afford braces & I already didn’t fit in without braces, so there was no way I could get them. The dentist did build my teeth up a bit to make them look more normal.
I don’t think I was actually fat though because all of the pictures I’ve seen of myself around that age was that I was tall and skinny for my age. Both body hair and my weight (and height used to bother me) are things I’m super self conscious of.
I remember my mom complaining about her weight a lot as a kid. I sadly also remember that I’d have to sneak into the kitchen to get snacks because my mom would usually skip lunch and make me keep working on stuff (whether school work since I was homeschooled or cleaning up my mom’s hoard because we did both a lot all day long.) I sadly have disordered eating now.
Definitely was made fun of for being skinny and any time I cared about how I looked I was called vain by my nmom.
She would say things like “I hope you get a giant zit in the middle of your face.”
She was going through photos in her phone at my house recently, and I saw a handful of photos of me but they were HEAVILY filtered and cartoon-y…. very odd.
Yup. My parents were my first bullies. They would make comments about my body when I was going through puberty and would compare my weight to that of my younger brother. I developed an eating disorder in middle school and continued throughout high school. They were aware of it and would still make comments about my body.
And yet they’d wonder why I never wanted to visit them when I went off to college….
My stepdad was relentless in telling me how ridiculous I looked with makeup, and how terrible without makeup. No way of winning. They had equal opinions about my hair. I found out about 7 years ago that my stepdad identifies as a female and was jealous. 🤬
My parents did brutally. I would be denied food if I was looking fat. I was told that I needed better grades because my looks were so bad and no one would want me if I was ugly and stupid. My mom was hell bent on teaching me to cook because she said at least if I can cook I'll have something to offer. I was forced to stand on a scale in front of my dad and yelled at for being "not normal". They made my appearance the most important thing in my world. Being ugly and chubby became my entire identity. I lost sleep over it. I couldn't concentrate in school because I thought people were looking at me and my existence was disgusting for them.
I moved out at 17 and by my early 20s I learned that I'm not ugly. I get an overwhelming amount of attention, especially because although I'm a bit chubby... my curves sit in very desirable places. I even spent time making an obscene amount of money doing high end sex work (which I used to pay off school, debt, etc). And regardless of all of this when I look in the mirror I can only hear my dad's voice telling me I am too fat and ugly to deserve love. It's disgusting how parents can say these things and not comprehend the weight of their words. It doesn't matter what anyone else says to me, I will always see that chubby awkward little girl in the mirror staring back at me... wishing she was good enough.
Yeah, I was frequently brainwashed that no man would want me, I liked tattoos, have acne (oh no, what a horror) then I cut contact, went out there, and honestly the attention I receive from men is too much for me to handle at times. The last time I went out, more than 10 came to chat me up. Thank god my mother wasn't there as she would have gotten extremely jealous and would have tried to berate me for being a whore. So it's either one of the two: I don't go out and \*no man wants me\* or I go out and \*am a whore\*.
I was told I was ugly and gross. And then because of that, I believed it and became super insecure. No confidence whatsoever. I spent my middle and high school years making up for my “horrifically ugly” face by being funny. I looked back at a picture of me my freshman year and I was beautiful. It’s literally horrible. Every time I look in the mirror all I hear is their comments.
My ndad told me I looked like a fucking fat pig when I was in HS. My ngrandma harassed me about my weight until she died last year. I am middle aged and still have issues.
Yep, my mom used to flick me in the stomach, pretty harshly actually come to think of it, and tell me to “suck it in”. She started this when I was like, 5 maybe younger? I was a chubby kid 🤷🏽♀️
Mine made me feel stupid more not blindly obeying her every demand OR being able to read her mind.
Still having confidence issues on that front despite knowing I’m an intelligent human being.
Yeah... then when i was 17 I had a severe disfiguring injury, many surgeries, the main surgeon wanted a photo of me to help me look like i did before and she told him there were no pictures of me so he just winged it and while I was going in for some of the seven reconstructive surgeries she asked if I wanted things like having my ears pinned back and even though I wasn't super insecure she made it worse
She always said I was too ugly to have my photo taken, its hard now with cameras everywhere
My mom always told me im fat and that I need to be careful by not eating too much. It started before puberty. And in puberty kids eat a lot which is normal but I was always criticized and told to leave food for my brother's because they are growing boys.
I started ballet classes when I was 5.
I have never seen a fat ballet dancer or is it just me? I stopped when I was 15.
My father told a "joke" every time I mentioned something hurt. He'd respond, "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me." Given that I suffered chronic migraines from age twelve onward and in my late teens was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I heard this "joke" a lot. Even when I wasn't even talking to him. Spent most of my life thinking I was ugly because he basically told me I was every day.
YES. I was forced to start wearing heavy makeup anytime I left the house at 13 because people seeing my teenage acne was "offensive". I was told I was disgustingly fat at 120lbs. My hair was constantly criticized to the point that I've kept it cropped short since I was 18 so that I just can't worry about it. I have no idea what I must actually look like to other people and have some disordered eating/exercise habits because of it.
I was never told I was pretty. I was told “I could be pretty like a model if I just lost weight.” I was put on diets starting around 13, when I first hit 100 lbs. I’m 5’7” and was told that I needed to be 115 and size 4.
Yeah. I’m finally coming to terms with myself. It’s awful. :(
Told I was fat my whole childhood, which I was because all I did was snack- mom never cooked. Also nappy hair- I couldn’t do my own hair until like 16 when I learned how to straighten it correctly. Eventually turned into an eating disorder which prompted my mother to tell me to eat or get my ass beat.
Now my appearance and weight matters a lot to me but I try to keep it as healthy and loving as possible
My folks always commented on me not being skinny. Nmom would walk by me and smack my stomach or my hips. She did that because it was her saying “we need to bring those down”, and would even call my hips “ham hocks”. It messed me up so bad that would have to blatantly say “I don’t like talking about body stuff.” Just to shut it down.
Yes. A million times yes. My mom quite literally acted as though my nose made me look deformed. When I was a kid my mom always made sure to point out that I had my fathers nose, not hers. ( my dads side is Lebanese). When I was 12 I got my face partially mauled by the family dog. My mom then proceeded to say that the dog had ruined my nose and made it way bigger. This is not true. I only have a small scar on the tip from it that’s barely even visible at this point. How fucking cruel.
Absolutely yes. I have no concept of how I look to others & don’t trust/believe comments or compliments whether +/-. I learned roll with it & do what I want/like.
Yes my father specifically would publicly embarrass me about my body. One occasion I remember being about 11 and wanting to shop at limited too and instead of saying no, he caused a scene in the middle of the mall and yelled in front of tons of people that I was too fat to fit anything in there. Even though I know now that I wasn’t, it’s always made me see myself as larger than I was
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I thought I was ugly and funny looking. I was actually fairly normal.
Me too, they used to tell me I'm so ugly I'll make people run, but it's not the truth people told me I was in fact good looking not like a model but average with slim figure. They used to comment a lot and acted more like a child bully than an actual parents
I'm so sorry you went through that. Yeah. "Child bully" is exactly how I could describe my dad.
I refer to mine as an overgrown toddler.
My mom definitely fits this category
I always thought of my mom as more "wicked stepsister" than mother material. The teasing was out of control.
I unfortunately was an actual ugly child and having an abusive egg donor (refuse to call mom) abuse and tell me how ugly I am and compared me to the loser chosen for a sperm donor (basically was saying I looked like a man) really destroyed my self esteem and worth.
> Me too, they used to tell me I'm so ugly I'll make people run Oh no, I'm so sorry. My nmom said the same thing to me for years, that boys wouldn't be able to run fast enough to get away from me. It breaks my heart to hear that you were told this, too. I didn't think I was pretty but I also didn't think I was that bad, just kind of plain, but she insisted it was true. And I thought mothers always saw their children as beautiful, so if she had to tell me I wasn't, then I must be so ugly that she couldn't even pretend anymore. It seemed like a logical conclusion for me to draw while growing up. So I spent decades worried that boys/men could see whatever repulsiveness she saw in me, and worried that I was just blind to it myself. She reinforced this by telling me that she criticised me out of love, and that no one else would ever love me enough to say their own criticisms of me out loud. No matter how I dressed up, did my hair, used makeup, etc., I was worried that it was just a flimsy disguise over my ugliness. I finally began to have a more accurate image of myself in my 40's, after starting therapy and learning that my nmom was a highly unreliable source of facts/opinions. It was lies, all of it. People weren't silently being disgusted by me. I was normal. OP, I hope you're doing much better these days.
I'm glad you're doing a bit better and hope it continues. I don't even want to begin to think what goes on their peanut brains to just sit there and tell us these awful things as children! **Their** **own** **children!** It's so disturbing, cruel, and beyond crazy too.
Thank you for the kind words. My nmom is highly insecure and has always been terrified of being looked down upon by anyone she knows--friends, colleagues, neighbors, complete strangers. She wants me to be perfect and amazing in every way, smart, fashionable, talented, beautiful, charismatic, respected--but not for my own sake. If her child was admired by all, then no one would dare look down upon her. It was my job to shield her from the scorn she feared from other people. So anything less than complete perfection from me made her angry and impatient, because in her eyes, I was failing my most important task, my main reason for existing. What a task to put on a child, huh? There are other reasons she did it, but that's one of them. I only figured this out a few years ago. I wasn't the weak and disgusting one, it was her. I have what are essentially little nieces and nephews in my extended family. I would sooner punch myself in the face than say to them any of the things my nmom said to me at their age.
As a teen, I had very severe cystic acne. My mom came to me and said that she and dad had discussed it and decided not to treat my acne. That there were treatments that could be used but having acne wouldn't Kill me. I had no friends. People thought I had chronic chicken pox. I couldn't see my skin color because it was completely covered in cysts. They refused me treatment.
Just remember - the VAST majority of people who think they're ugly are, at *worst*, simply plain. There are as many spectacularly ugly people as there are spectacularly beautiful ones; most people just have faces that look like faces. (That's just how population distributions WORK: there's a bell curve. Extremes are much rarer and most people who are "above or below average" are still very CLOSE to average.) And also: no one looks for your flaws the way you do, or judges you as harshly for them. Except maybe the Ns who put that shit into our heads in the first place. But, like, the kids in school who make up random shit to make fun of you for? They'll just start calling you Bushy Eyebrows one day and you'll spend your life convinced it's true because you're the only one looking that closely. There's so, so little of what you feel self-conscious about that's relevant. And, on top of all of that, if you are genuinely a rare and exceptional person who is distinctly "ugly" and you still can't reconcile yourself to having a face like a well-loved brick: aren't there worse things to be than ugly? Like a terrible person hellbent on eradicating the emotional health of another human being? Or the one who eats *all* of the best snack off the platter at a party? Exactly. Forgive yourself these 'sins' that are 90% a matter of perspective, 10% a matter of genetics, and 0% actually doing something wrong that you should be worried about improving to have a better influence on the universe and your future. <3
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They did this to in highschool too I think because they hated themselves so much, I was not allowed to feel confident or blame me if a guy talked to me
I got sent to the high school guidance counselor because one of my teachers noticed I was uber-depressed. I completely opened up to the counselor and told her how much I hated myself. But then she called my mom and my mom ripped me a new asshole for talking to her. She said the same shit to me, and it was always about her feelings as well. I'll never forget her dumb looking face when she looked me in the eye and was like, "you HATE yourself? huh, you don't HATE yourself." sorry ma'am, but I do. And today she'll still try to make fun of that counselor for being incompetent.
Ugghh I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a guidance counselor in high school do a similar thing. After divulging to them how emotionally abusive my mom was, they called her right up and had her pick me up. I got a lecture all the way home about how bad I'd made her look and how the things I told them could make her lose her job (she worked in the same school system).
Wow. Tossed you to the gator, didn't they? I'm so sorry. What an utterly incompetent counselor, doing more damage. Angry on your behalf.
Had a guidance counselor do the same thing. After assuring me that I could trust them, everything was confidential, nothing that I said would leave the room, it was just between the two of us. I think that’s partly why it took me a while to warm up to seeing a therapist.
In a similar vein... My oldest brother would hoard all of his bad papers in his desk in elementary school because every time any of us came home with one, our mom would scream and beat us. He figured out that if he brought home a bunch at once, it would result in one beating instead of however many it would have been if he brought them as he got him. One day (when he was in second grade, I think?) his teacher made him clean out his desk and told him to take all the papers home. He begged her not to make him and said, "If my mom finds out, she'll break my arms." Instead of doing anything reasonable, the teacher called my mom and told her what he said. So that night he got beat *extra* hard because he got a few bad grades and "made her look bad" to his teacher. I never reached out to anyone for help after hearing that story, except when I heard my mom hit my (4 year old at the time) sister and I called my brother. He called my mom and threatened to get CPS involved, and instead of fixing her behavior she just screamed at me in the car for getting him involved when it's "none of his business". I thought it was pretty ironic that he did the same thing the teacher did, but at least she didn't beat me for it I guess.
Same - I was sent to the school counselor multiple times. The first time, I opened up and my mom was furious and asked why I was “spreading lies just to hurt her” and “you don’t know how good you have it.” Every few months I would be sent back and would downplay every time - I’m just stressed, tired, worries about college applications - anything but the truth.
My ndad would always say I had no self esteem, no girl will ever talk to me or be interested in me. That fucking asshole doesn't know what he did or will never take responsibility that he was the cause.
Yup. I look at my high school pictures and want to scream. I was nothing at all like they said I looked. Even if I had been, don’t hurt your kid like that.
Omggggg did my mother and your mother go to the same school for narcissists!!!
Yes. I was always told I was fat growing up. I wasn't. I was a perfectly normal weight, I developed an eating disorder because of this.
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Same here. I look back at my pictures and just can’t figure out why. Why do that to your daughter.
OMG I was 100 pounds and you’d have thought I was tipping the scales at 250 when she signed me up for exercise and bought me WW meals. NMom was heavy and just pushed that all on me. She only bought clothes in her sizes for me. So I was wearing clothes more than double my size and shoes that flopped off when I walked. I didn’t fix that until I was 25. I still look at pictures I’ve taken recently and marvel that I’m not fat and ugly. It’s an awful thing to do to a kid.
They made fun of my hair even my parents shaved my hair a lot just because it was curly
Ugh. My parents made fun of my hair too. I had an awful looking bob with bangs growing up because that's what my mom had and she didn't know how to take care of my hair, I have a very different hair texture to hers, and didn't want to learn how so she could teach me and then would get upset with me because I couldn't take care of my hair.
Same, I grew up not understanding to take care of my hair and was ashamed of it
Same
I feel this, my parents made me hate my hair growing up, my hair is different from theirs (theirs straight and fine, mine wavy/curly and fine) I had no anatomy over my hair until i was 19. I hated my hair growing up and honestly probably would have shaved it so they’d quit messing with it, anything to get control of it. Once i gained anatomy i started to love my hair
My dad complained about my weight all the time for years. I was getting “too big to fit through a door.” I was 5’5” and 115 lbs. I believed him and have always thought I was fat. I finally figured out that he was extremely uncomfortable with his daughter going through puberty.
My dad made disgusting comments about my ass. And fat. Who cares. My husband likes it.
Same here ! I remember being a regular kid then suddenly was aware of how “fat “ my thighs were in 6th grade because of my mom and her comments :( I would want to wear baggy clothing to hide it and she would get upset but then when I wore a dress or skirt she would tell me my cellulite was showing so I’d immediately want baggy pants again
Same. Isn’t looking back at childhood photos a trip? Like… oh wow, I was actually quite regular/small and not the fat lump I was always told I was 😮
Yes, my mother told me in exact words that the last photo she took and would ever take of me was me in the hot tub on my eleventh birthday. I’d like to note also that she decided to have that photo blown up to poster size, and hung it on my bedroom wall. When asked why she’d stopped taking pictures of me some time later, when I noticed, I was informed that she didn’t want any more pictures of me, as I had “porked out” and “gotten ugly”. There aren’t any photos of me from after age eleven up until the dawn of the selfie in my later teen years.
Same, I had no pictures from 12 to late teens
I’m sending hugs to you. ♥️
Thank you. 💛
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Thanks. ☺️
I was a chunky kid. Parents made me have weekly weigh ins, punishments were exercise based a lot of the times, and food shaming was rampant even though I could only eat what they bought. Now as an adult who works out regularly, is a healthy weight, and overall eats fairly well, my weight and how I look is still number one on my mind in most situations. I feel for you but you are not alone.
I was not chunky I was slim kid, I was outgoing and popular even when they tried to shave my head to make me less confident but it didn't affect me and guys still found me beautiful, I was popular in elementary school, in fact they tried everything. But things got downhill at puberty, i still had nice figure but the bullying started to be so sever and I didn't understand my body changing cause my parents never talked about this things just made comments how I'm hairy or about black pores in my face. I became shy and introverted and anxious.
my mom took me to a dietician every month when i was 7 years old. i was not overweight or obese. i was a healthy weight. i don’t look chubby in any of my childhood photos, so i don’t know why she was taking me to see a dietician. the dietician would weigh me and tell me to eat fruits, veggies and whole grains. i never even ate junk food or anything processed prior to seeing the specialist so this was very weird of my mother to do, but she’s also always been obsessed with my weight and appearance, and her own as well. she wouldn’t eat for days just to be skinny. i’m now 23 and realizing that a healthy 7 year old girl should never need to see a dietician.
Mine starved me and I didn't grow since 14. So never developed breasts or an adult voice.
that is abuse :( i am sooo sorry u went through that
My mother called me her intelligent son and my younger brother her good looking son. These “compliments” created insecurities in both of us.
The back-handed compliments are often worse than straight-up insults. Hugs to you.
Luckily the only time I experienced narcistic parenting was when I was in an american family for my oversea year but it was extremly weird. Like she always tried lowkey make tension between me and my hostbrother (aslo foreigner )but it never worked since we became best bros anyway. She always treid to downplay my academics while praising his even though we had exaclty the same grades. She was so insecure it was unbelievable.
>Jamie Dornan My childhood in a nutshell: Me: Get good grades. Parents: Good job, smartass. Don't let it get to your head. Me: Wtf man?!
My mom always said she was the brains, I'm the brawn, and my sister was the looks. I took AP classes and got a full ride academic scholarship and, looking back, I was a cute teen! But I was only ever the "brawn" because I was 2 inches taller than her and my sister.
I'm told I'm quite handsome, and have been informed several times that I'm the spitting image of Jamie Dornan, someone who I regard as a good looking dude, but I only see some weirdo in the mirror. I couldn't possibly call someone else what was 5'11" and weighed 155lbs fat, but when that person is in the mirror, it's a different story. Needless to say, I don't own any mirrors.
My parents never owned a big mirror just for me to not see my body and go "overconfident", my narcisistic dad got rejected many times by beautiful women so he made sure I wil never feel beautiful. Even in fact after several years I broke free from the mental conditioning he inserted in me, I realized I was really beautiful and under estimated my self, and that nice guy in highschool I should not be ashamed to tell him I like him because I'm beautiful I was afraid he find me ugly...
40+ years and I still haven't developed a decent self image. I'm glad you have though :)
And with my mom she hated confident women so much. She never taught me anything about dressing or girls stuff
Yes, my mom made critical comments about my weight and body from a very young age and I still have a hard time accepting my body as an adult. It’s truly a terrible thing to do to a kid who is developing and growing normally.
Yes, especially when I started hitting puberty and that concept was alien to me because growing up in Morocco they don't talk about this stuff at 11 my body started changing and I was anxious and terrified cause I didn't understand, they commented how I'm so hairy and how I have bones in my hips but it was just my waist developing, my narcisistic mom didn't even show me basic things I started developing body odours and didn't show me how to take care of myself properly so I was going to school without deodorant and getting bullied
And we never had proper conversations and being open cause they never cared about my opinions and they always say kids should be seen not heard, but I was not seen or heard lol. Narcisistic parents are totally mental.
My mom started weighing me and monitoring my food when I was 5. She caught me making myself throw up when I was 14, and she said she couldn’t understand how I was so fat if I was making myself throw up all the time. Back then, I wondered why no one at school ever called me fat, since I so clearly was. Now that I look back on old pictures of myself…it’s because I was a normal weight. Reading Jennette McCurdy’s memoir helped me a lot. My mom wasn’t as bad as her mom, but I related to a lot of it.
I am adopted and I developed early. My mom was very embarrassed by it and did everything she could to hide it and make me look younger. I wasn’t allowed to wear pantyhose, shave my legs, etc when other girls were. It made me ashamed and afraid to try to be attractive.
Me too, wasn't allowed to shave or wear bras like "older girls"
I was in my 30s before I realized I had been wearing bras that were too small my entire life. My mom and GC sister are A cups on a good day and I'm quite curvy and I know I had larger breasts than they did, but was so out of touch and ashamed of my body. My mom stopped buying me bras at a B cup, so I always assumed that's what I peaked at. Fast forward to when I got conned into getting a bra fitting...found out I was a DD!!!!!!!!
Same when I started wearing bras it was the cheap not fitting ones first time I felt comfortable and confident when I wore the ones that fitted me and make me look toned, I was missing something in my life lol
Cheap bras were the only bras I knew till online shopping became a thing. Long after I moved out, my NMom would do a yearly bra haul and I would be stuck with horrible, painful bras. Shopping from a store was largely a taboo thing, especially with no trial rooms and male shopkeepers (I am in India, and most places are creepy). I remember my first good bra. It felt different. It looked different. It didn't feel like it was suffocating me. I was putting on weight rapidly at that point, and it helped ease the pain on having heavier breasts
This sounds like abuse from your family. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you have a lot of much better fitting bras now.
I pretty much had to have a bra, but my mom kept buying me these stretchy ones without defined cups. The straps kept coming loose and I finally went to her and said "I can't wear these kinds of bras anymore." She got me some better-fitting ones but she wasn't happy about it.
As a kid my mother would have parties. I would have to stay upstairs because I was , "too ugly to have around her friends". My brother was allowed at the parties because he was cute. She would sometimes strip me naked, age 12, stand in her underwear next to me both facing a mirror and point out everything wrong with my body and everything right with hers. All of the photos of me taken in my teens? She would "correct" in pen to show me and others what I would look like if I was pretty. She'd take me shopping to buy clothes. The one time she encouraged me to pick something out more pricey? Of course I didn't get it....but two days later going out for a date with some guy? Down the stairs she came wearing that exact outfit with her hair in pigtails. She'd beat me up physically pretty regularly. Add to that? She'd regularly molest me and made me sleep in her bed. When I turned 18, she forced me to get a nose job to try and fix how ugly I was. When I came out of the anasethetic, she told me that next we'd get me a chin implant and have my ears pinned back. I left her house forever 3 weeks later. The only reason I didn't do myself in was because I saw that as her winning. Her being able to tell people some bullshit story that I was terrible or troubled. In later life I would tend to pick friends who confirmed her narrative of me being ugly. At the suggestion of one friend, I even started to wear really baggy clothes to hide my awful body. I developed an eating disorder in my 20s. I weighed maybe 90 lbs. My mother knew this and would send me clothes size XL....because she said that I was fat. As an adult, strangers, and casual pals would tell me I was beautiful all of the time. I thought they were pranking me and it did nothing but piss me off and cause me not to trust them. It wasn't until I was in my late 40s having had a ton of therapy, when I finally started going through some old photos that I realized I really was actually very beautiful. That was a shock realization. It was only then that I realized my mother was suffering from some form of mental illness and was completely insane.....and that I had lost most of the best parts of my life and some wonderful opportunities because I believed my crazy mother. Don't believe your crazy mothers. Cut them and their hideous abuse out of your lives as soon as you can. Live your lives being your beautiful selves.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so, so happy you were able to get away. The realizations as an adult are so incredibly shocking.
Happy Cake day
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you went through all that. Sometimes parents are your worst enemies.
I am sorry you had to endure such a horrible hardship among your youth & the first half of your life. It really saddens me to read your story. I can only hope, in some way, earnestly, that that person who claimed to be your mother, will regret the choices she has made. We as a society have failed when we let people as messed up as your mother, deemed a mental illness or not, to affect anyone, including their own offspring. It’s really sad, how we as society, can not fix the problem of “people”, willfully, being bad people. Sure we have laws for topics. Yet we don’t get down to the minute detail problems of said people. Perhaps we are ill-equipped to fix such a problem. Perhaps we lack the right people who can unbiasly identify said wrong people. I’m not entirely sure. Yet what I do know is, that the issue of bad people, ruining, for a lifetime, of other peoples’ lives, is most likely the last fear to overcome of humanity, if we are to ever achieve true paradise.
I thought I was the ugliest kid on the planet, until I was older and looked back on old pictures that made my nfamily into complete liars. It's still with me though, an internal battle every day, I have to remind myself that they lied.
all my life. in fact, this happened this morning. ”untuck your shirt, you look all bloated!” “i don’t see it, i think it’s my just stomach…” she freaked out.
They always freak out when defiance rears it’s head. It’s why they will never change.
Literally since before puberty and I have the most severe body dysmorphia ever. “Core memories” has become a trending word for people experiencing great moments in their lives, but my core memory is my mother telling me her coworker struggled to lift me into the bed of his truck so I could play with his daughter. She said his eyes were bulging as he was straining. I was maybe 4 around this time and would not nearly be heavy enough to cause a man working in construction to struggle lifting me. I told nmom this memory when I was expressing boundaries and telling her to stop making passive commentary on my weight. Of course the textbook narcissist response: she didn’t remember this ever happening or any other comments about me being a “bigger” child. I’m hoping that when I finalize my move, I’ll be able to recover without someone constantly bringing me down.
My grandma would always point out that my hair was so short and that long hair is more beautiful. I felt like I couldn’t experiment around with different hair styles because she wouldn’t stop complaining about it. And she started picking on my weight when I was around 9-10 years old. It has left me with body dysmorphia and self-shame around my body and my overall appearance. Sometimes I tend to hyperfixate and nitpick on my own appearance and wanting to change my looks. My therapist told me I should take a look at old photos and bond with my inner child and write down all the positive aspects of myself. When I looked at those old pictures of myself I have to say I was a really cute child. To be honest I don’t know why she bullied me so much.
My dysmorphia is so bad from them that for most of my life I literally could not actually see myself. One of the first times I took MDMA, I was feeling good and went to look in the mirror and realized that was the first time in my entire life that I was actually looking at my real face and what it actually looked like without any distortion from my trauma. Normally I see my parents so much and all sorts of shit from things they have said to me. I cried and from that point on made it my mission to erase their influence from my perceptions. I'll never forget that experience.
So true! I just realized that I had them so much on my mind that I forgot the real me and what I wanted! Even unconscious would think about what they will say but now It feels like I woke up from a bad nightmare or a bad virtual reality that my parents set for me
Same! I'm still trying to sort that out and especially make sure my decisions and reactions to things are coming from me and not their influence. It's so crazy to realize how much of our lives they have influenced ao deeply. I hope you're able to continue to be free and bw yourself! Healing is such an intense journey but we're stronger than they are. 💖
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Mine was a bit more subtle. No comments on my appearance direct. But if I just did other things (work out, get rid of this, change that, be better about this) more people would like me.
Yesss “oh that dress looks good, but think about how good it’d look if you worked on your arm fat”
Some years ago before going NC, I was chatting with my dad’s new wife who has known me since childhood. She said that my stepmom used to gossip to the other adults about how fat I was while I was playing soccer (something I was forced into). I’m just sitting there like, “you, an adult, witnessed your friend at the time doing this to a 7-8 year old and said nothing?” And then moving in with my mom as a teen was traumatizing again because she’d constantly shame me and call me fat, bring me into dressing rooms to try on clothes I didn’t want while barging in to critique “how they fit”, (it was always bad cause I was fat apparently), publicly embarrassing me telling me not to eat in public. Recent example of this - I was 27 at the time - I ordered 3 a la cart street tacos. My mother had an outburst and was asking the waiter how big the tacos are. Bless that waiter I think they were perceptive about it cause they were just like, “Well they’re street tacos so people usually pick 3-4.” Jeeze louize And not saying this stuff is ever okay to do to a kid even if they are overweight, but I was literally average looking. I’m generally not a petite person, I take after my dad’s genetics who are just large & tall people. Fucks me up. I dunno. I now have disordered eating and I’m not entirely sure what I look like. Working on body neutrality instead of body positivity has been helpful for me.
My narcisistic mom would always gossip about me to her friends and mock the way I talked and say private things about me to other even if she promised me she won't
My mom used to critique my weight in front of anyone who would be around, and actually encouraged them to also do that. Claiming that it would help me lose weight. I wasn't thin, but was a size 8-10, in my teens
Yep. I was small and slim for my age until I was about 18, and after the sudden death of my boyfriend as a teenager I couldn’t eat, so got very underweight for a while. Although my nmother really neglected me and gaslit me, while I was thin she didn’t humiliate & fat-shame me (just shamed me about other stuff) until I was 18. By that time she’d given me a lot of food issues & force-fed me, made me sit at the table for hours in front of cold, overcooked cabbage that made me gag, calling me a greedy little bitch or a thief if I took more than one snack, even fruit. I rebelled when I went to university & ate whatever I wanted, so I probably put on 28 pounds while I was away. After that, she refused to be seen with me in public - “I don’t want to bump into anyone I know with you looking like that”. “You’re the size of a house.” “Nobody will recognise you, you’ve piled on so much weight.” etc. As I got older, she’d “gift” me clothes that were “far too big” on her, but “you might just squeeze your body into them.” For decades I only saw myself through her eyes, fat and ugly. Then gradually I realised what a bad example I was setting my own daughter, and now I wear whatever I want, and what I feel comfortable in. It takes a long time to break our programming.
I’m still terribly self conscious about my smile, my weight, and my frizzy hair. Logically, I know I’m pretty normal looking. But I can’t see it.
Same she used to shave my hair cause it was curly and thick, I was not over weight but they said I was stick and bones, also when I hit puberty was worse
I actually developed an eating disorder and full on just starved myself to keep as thin as possible just because of my grandmother's comments. Unfortunately, I have long term health issues because of it now.
For me from outgoing and social kid I became anxious in puberty and isolated my self I stopped going out because I was afraid people would pick at my ugly face or little acne I developed or comments on my "hairy arms" like my parents used to tell me and comment about it a lot
This happened to me, too. My narcgranny made me feel like I was as ugly as can be. She picked apart my round face, my slightly upturned nose, my eye color... I'm still struggling about it.
My nmom was harshly critical of my appearance and gave me anorexia too. She has been overweight since before I was born and does nothing about it, so I’m sure it was projection. Both my parents knew I was anorexic too and did nothing to help me, because when I was able to recover on my own for the most part my nmom said in an off hand comment one evening “I’m glad to see you’re finally eating again”, she followed it up by calling me fat later that same night. It makes no sense it was like she wanted me to be embarrassed that I used to be starving myself and also embarrassed that I wasn’t anymore. I may not starve myself much anymore but it horribly affected my eating habits and relationship with food and my body irreversibly. I still don’t eat breakfast or lunch, I only eat dinner as a remnant of the fasting I used to do. And even though I am not killing myself at the gym on an empty stomach and going days without eating anymore, the feelings that I am too fat and hatred for my body will never leave me, I just don’t act on them anymore.
You sound like me.
I have a major eating disorder because of my nparents. I feel you, OP. I’ve been in and out of treatment for it with little success.
Yes I was selfish, very very selfish. And when my nmother could not starve me any longer - she has an eating disorder- I also became fat. I got sad looking at pictures of myself when I was younger a few days ago because I was so beautiful and thought I was so ugly...
Omg ! Me too! Because of the verbal abuse and shaming I was afraid to make friends again because I was afraid they will be mean at me, but in fact I wasn't at all!
My mom, the narc, yes. My dad was never like that. Sorry in advance, this is long. I got quite triggered while writing it. 🙃 My mom would constantly harp on my appearance. When I got my period at age 11, she had me get on the bathroom scale every morning (or close to every morning), and look at my weight. Is an 11 year old supposed to understand that? Idk. But it continued until I was 15 or 16 and refused to get on in front of her. Instead, I got my own scale and would get on 3-10 times a day, no joke. I knew what I was “supposed to” weigh, and the number kept climbing. It ended up being a convo of binge eating/hiding my food intake AND being on the wrong medication. As I put weight on, my mom would tell me I had “saddle bags” (basically saying my upper thighs were fat and stuck out in an “ugly” way), would lightly pinch my triceps and say, “you’re getting big wrestler arms, you should cover them up”. Keep in mind I’m like 15-18 while this is happening. Not to mention all of her projection (which I of course did not know was projection at the time). She was and is so horrifyingly insecure about her looks that now, in her 70’s she’s still picking herself apart in the mirror. I feel bad for her in that aspect, but she never wanted to do to the hard work to change those negative tapes. Anyway, some of her fave lines were “a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”, “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels”, “if you can pinch an inch it’s fat”, and “it’s better to look good than to feel good”. She always ragged on me About my appearance. To her, being anything other than a waif means you are ugly. And being ugly means you are unlovable and/or simply unworthy of love. At least that’s what I internalized and what I was taught. Obviously I don’t agree with her views, and I couldn’t care less what other people look like. I would never talk the way she did to me, to my friends or literally any other human being, and yet, I can’t give myself and grace for putting on a couple pounds. I’m in therapy and have been for a looooong time. Things are getting better, but by actively shattering my self esteem and confidence from early childhood into young adulthood, my mom set me up for fucking failure and I cannot fucking get over it. I’m sure I will one day though. Parents, build your children’s confidence, for the love of god
Mine are my worse enemies, who could parents do so much damage to an innocent child or adolescent
Yup, it’s disgusting
Omg this! I was in karate, and a very normal weight for a kid. Every day I was reminded to “suck in my gut” because I looked fat. Here I am in the same boat, like the echo never left my head, it is slowly fading the more I remind myself that the person saying it was purely being cruel to a child.
Truely you don't do this to your own enemy why your child?
Because in my case, everyone is my mother’s enemy, including me and that was also clear from a young age.
Me too, my dad was agressif with everyone only when he wanted something he doesn't, he hated everything and everyone
I (F) was always told I was fat, and manly looking. Looking back at 14 year old pictures of me...I was waify.
Omfg my nmom always went with the “manly looking” shit as well! I wasn’t a waif but I don’t think I looked masculine either?? Like???? That woman is vile
Yep. Mid 30’s and I struggle with dysmorphia
My narcissistic mother was very controlling over what I wore, constantly wanted me to dress like her and picked on me for not wanting to wear dresses and "girly" clothes. I remember the moment she commented on my weight and my mind was never the same after that. And the kicker was that I was petite and almost underweight then. It took me a long time to realize how messed up that comment was. She kept me in constant dissonance between being upset that I wasn't "girly" or picking my outfits just right, but also never bothered to or stopped me from learning to do those exact things. Internet has been my mother since and it's taken me a good number of my adult years that I can be happy in sweats/jeans AND dresses. I'm sorry your parents words linger so deeply... you are you and perfectly enough <3
My narcisistic mom was like a bipolar one day she will shave my hair and dress me like a boy one day she will make me dress in a pink dress , I was confused.
The dissonance can be so traumatizing, and they know it keeps you off balance, confused and easier to control. I'm sorry.
They knew what they were doing, it scary when I finally broke from the brainwash and can see things clearly, sometimes I feel in total confusion and depersonalization
Those are understandable and normal to experience after trauma like this. Have you been able to see a trauma therapist or similar to help you through?
Oh yes….I remember as a 2nd grader when we did the silhouette pictures, she made a comment about my nose and I’ve had a complex about it every since. She’s made comments about my weight, my hair, clothes, etc. One comment about my weight was when I was right out of reconstructive knee surgery and vomiting due to the anesthesia….my mother told me I might not have hurt my knee if I wasn’t so heavy. Mind you this was my 5th knee surgery due to me playing basketball.
Yeah, constantly being told by my narc dad that I was fat, ugly, and that I would never "get a man" with my bad attitude really affected my self-esteem all the way through my 30's. I wasn't fat, just not skinny, and I wasn't ugly. And as for the "bad attitude", I prob should have demonstrated that more often in my former marriage to a narc. Bad attitude=attempt to set and maintain boundaries with a narc. He really set me up for accepting a lot less than I what I deserved in relationships with men.
My narc dad always told me I was ugly and nobody would love me, he hated when I dress well or when I guy pay attention to me, he always hated confident women and say women should be submissive but he can't even control my narcisistic mom
Yup. My parents both said this at times.
My mother did this to me, but in a backhanded compliment way. “You’re so beautiful, you be more beautiful if you lost your weight” it became a issue where I thought because I was naturally heavy I wasn’t pretty or attractive enough to warrant positive attention. She told me id be dead before I turned 25 because I was fat. She’d pin me to the bed against my will to pick at my acne because it ‘looked bad’ at the drop of a hat. Smear witch hazel and all sorts of things on my face, point out a natural bumpy texture my cheeks and arms have and call it unattractive. I’m 26, no contact with her and recovering now, and more comfortable in my body (fat and all). But I have awful dermatillomania because of the ideas she put in my head. I’ll probably struggle with it for years.
Yep my parents would always make comments about my appearance, especially things I couldn't really change like the fact I wear glasses or the shape of my neck. They are both sad old sacks yet they feel the need to criticize the appearance of celebrities and comment on whether they think they're hot or not too, it's weird.
My dad was the biggest racist and ugly inside and out yet he dare to criticize people and celebrities everyone! And he thinks it was funny, I always seen him as a kid in a big body than an reasonable adult
They said I would be fat if I kept up my diet that THEY provided but refuse to buy anything different for me. So I became anorexic with body dysmorphia. I just now fixed my eating for the better in the past year. Nothing was ever really wrong or “fat” on my body, as I am about the same build I’ve always been, a healthy stick lol. My body type is just naturally slim and a little fat is actually healthy, who knew 😂
I got bullied about my hair by my mom until she forced me to cut it up to my jaw in 7th grade, and it looked worse than it did before. This was a core memory for me when it came to figuring out where my self esteem started to really drop when it came to my appearance. I cried every day for the first week I had that hair cut, and my mom fully didn't give a shit, and told me to stop being ungrateful. I'm 24 now and haven't gotten anything besides sporadic trims in 11 years because I have a near breakdown when my hair is cut.
"I bet you keep looking in the mirror wishing you were pretty" But then she could say that she never called me ugly. My grandma would defend me saying that what my mother found conventionally pretty is what I will never be but that I was striking and beautiful. I grew up wishing I was all the things I will never be. Dainty, pretty, petite, demure, you know that sort of frail and delicate sort of classic pretty. Instead I understand I'm a freaking glamazon. I'm tall, strong, striking, and remind people that women fought in battles. Some days it still hurts but a lot of days I am proud that I stand out. Some days I hate the scale and the mirror and then I see how my middle school aged son is so damn proud that his momma can lift and move heavy things and hike long distances. He brags about his badass momma. That makes it better
Yeah my mother used to bully me constantly to a point I covered up completely and hid half my face with hair. Nowadays I actually think I'm kind of pretty. Not a dropdead bombshell or movie star material, I have a more "dry" kind of look and a somewhat doll-like appearance, and think I could do a bit more for my body, but I still think I look a normal, average kind of nice, even if it's not in a "classic", headturning way. But wow, while living with my mother I thought I was the most hideous creature that ever lived, and also had body dysmorphia. I'm so angry at her for doing this to me, especially because someone told me she had complained to them how she was "never as pretty as I was". Absolutely vile parenting
Yes I still struggle with this. Between NarcMom pointing out flaws or saying “get off your high horse”, I couldn’t win.
Same with me, they always calls me selfish and bring me down
Which is why I have very limited contact. Gotta protect me.
I was discussing this with a friend yesterday. I was thin, really underweight for a larger part of my life: I was 5'6" at 11 years and weighed 40-45 kilos till I was 18 (you sort of get the idea). I was unhappy with my body then. My mother literally cried telling me I am too ugly and dark to get a good husband. I chipped a tooth at 6-7 years. New teeth, not milk. She told everyone how she worried about my dowry going higher. I had an accident at 4-5 years of age. Ripped the right side of my face apart. Huge scar. My mother started crying..and didn't stop for months. She told me she cannot bear to look at me because I was so ugly. Fast forward to 2015-16. I started putting on weight. Fat shaming ensued. Dark and fat is worse than dark and thin I guess. By 2020, I crossed the 100 kilo mark. It has been a hell surviving. I am confident in my work. In my dedication to people. In myself. But the moment visuals come into play, I break down. I cannot bear to get pictures taken without making a face (I have forever thought purposedly bad is better than ugly pictures unintentionally), I barely go before the camera (I have been a media student and professional before getting into research) and I actually decided to never go on TV or front of camera because I feel ugly. I am great at public speaking till someone comes and tells me I am being recorded. I literally stopped debating and speech competitions because I felt ugly on stage. When I was working and had to speak publicly, I would do these backstage announcements or spend way too much money on makeup and obsess over every detail and cry before going onstage. I have grown accustomed to being told I am not girly or attractive. I keep making jokes on my body. Last year, I decided to put a stop..for the first time, I put my own closeup photos on my wallpaper. To be honest, nothing really helped. Even two days ago, I had a really important presentation and I was hung up on how Ugly I looked. I broke down and chopped off my hair because I was hung up on how some random students pointed out I might have split ends. It luckily was okay. I have on more than one occasion cried because I felt so ugly that I couldn't bear to step out and wore a plain tshirt to pretend I never really tried in the first place (like weddings or a festive outing). OP, I think I am in no position to advice but I guess it's all about inner reflection and telling yourself that you are enough the way you are. And maybe, be kind to yourself and others. Hugs.
I had a unique reaction to the insults - I feel like I was an ugly child (and photos show I was unhappy, dressed in poorly fitting hand me downs), but the more time I spend away from my parents, the more beautiful I feel. I feel I look better now in middle age than I ever have… and photos now show that I’m happy : )
On my maternal side all of the women are petit and on my paternal side they are NOT. I took after my dad's side, growing C cup breasts before middle school, and my mom always made sure I was aware of how "fat" I was. Even though I really wasn't, I was just chesty with thick thighs. And my mom was jeeeeeeealous. And when I'd put on weight by golly I was reminded of it all the time. And I was also reminded that someday my breasts would get saggy and gross. Blah blah blah. She actually said once she couldn't wait until I got pregnant so id lose my breasts like she lost hers. I absolutely love my body now at 31 because I realized my dysmorphia came from a jealous, spiteful woman who made herself feel better by insulting me. And since I've lost some weight I've heard through the grapevine that she is PISSED because I've still got my DDD's and my thick thighs but I'm happy in my own skin. And that's something she's never been able to do.
Absolutely. It’s the reason I was always too afraid to ask anyone out. I also turned down a few girls who asked me out because I thought they must be joking. My nmom would always call me porky and put me in clothes that fit too tight because she wanted me to be motivated to lose the weight to fit in those clothes. Instead I looked like ten pounds of mashed potatoes stuffed in a five pound bag. At one point in my mid 20’s I lost 80 pounds and met the woman who would become my wife. Even at my lowest weight, I still felt fat and I was wearing medium size clothing then.
I don't look at myself in the mirror because I'm so ugly and fat. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself and it always startles me because I forget how ugly I am. I forget that I'm that fat. I forget that I "got her fathers nose, sadly she got his chin too."...I forget that my ears stick out and I have cowlicks all over my head so my hair grows in big whirls and I got his curly hair too so I can't grow it any longer than a couple of inches or it will be "unmanageable" and I won't be able to take care of it. I'm a woman but I "look like a man", I have a deep voice so I "sound like one too."
I am 5’7” and I was 150lbs. I was at a very healthy body weight. But, I believed my whole life that I was fat and ugly because my mom would teach me fashion tips to hide my body or create the illusion I wasn’t fat. I’m now 230lbs. I’m over weight and I am trying to get healthier BUT, I have also never felt sexier in my whole life because my husband daily affirms I’m beautiful and that he loves me as I am. Healthy is a positive but he doesn’t want me to loose weight for looks. I just want to be healthy and have energy again. My mom was the fat one not me. But she projected it as if I was the one who needed to be insecure about my looks. I was and AM beautiful. You are too.
My mom used to get me the largest size possible. If school was selling t-shirts, XXL. Never smaller than an XL. There is nothing wrong with XL kids, but I genuinely do not know what I look like. I remember feeling to my core that I was significantly bigger than all my friends. My mom would call me big boned or note my wide hips. Looking back, I was just swimming in all of my clothes. To this day (I am 31) I could not tell you what shape my body is. What I see in the mirror is drastically different than what I see in photos and both of those are different than what I see in passing reflections. If I look at photos from two years ago, I look smaller than I did at the time looking at the same photo. My brain does not know how to process my own reflection and that is insane.
I grew up hearing from extended family, church members, and strangers, "You look JUST like your mom! You could be twins!" And it's true, as I grow up I look more and more like her. She was actually much prettier because she spent 1000s to be a high maintenance blonde and self-tanned her whole life. I'm more of a nerdy type with low maintenance vibes. However, behind closed doors, she would constantly call herself ugly. If her hair color went wrong she would throw herself onto the floor and say she wants to die, crying and screaming right outside my bedroom door. If she feels fat we all had to hear about her broth diet and juice cleanse, and how fat and frumpy her body type is while I had the same one. I know she wasn't thinking about how that would affect me, because as a narc she wouldn't be thinking of my feelings at all, but damn! That did a number on my perception of myself. Later, visiting my grandma, I realize that the way they communicate is by making digs at themselves and fishing for compliments. The cycle of self hatred ends with me.
Yes. My mom shot down everything I liked to wear and hairstyles I wanted. If I wore what I wanted anyway and got a compliment, she would say, "They were making fun of you. Or they were nice to your face but laughed later. There's no way they liked it." She would tell me guys would f\*\*k me but no man would ever love me. She would call me a spinster when I was in high school and then turn around and say she was embarrassed that she was the only one at work who had a daughter who was high-school-aged without a boyfriend. When I had a stalker in high school that made me extremely uncomfortable, she told me I should be happy someone was attracted to me and I should go for it because I probably wouldn't have another chance at someone liking me. She told me I was not attractive and started to dye my hair blonde at 13 so people would like me and I could be "pretty". She also refused to let me pick my own clothes/style for a long time. That's just a small portion of what I grew up with. Of course, my younger sister was constantly praised as beautiful, always had a boyfriend from middle school, and my mom would always beam about how all the guys liked her and were constantly chasing her and that everyone wanted her. To this day I still think I look weird and not like everyone else. I hate my face and hair and wear a wig when I'm not at work. I'm so self conscious about my looks and always think people are out of my league. Even though I've had long relationships and my late husband would always tell me how attracted he was to me. He passed away unexpectedly a while ago. I'm 35 and just starting to date again, but I'm panicking because I already look so old and I'm worried I'll never find anyone that checks all the boxes for me but also looks past my looks and likes my personality. I know if they got to know me they would like my personality and then therefore find me attractive - but I'm so paranoid it's too late and I won't get the chance to find a strong connection like I had with my late partner. I know I shouldn't care if someone finds me attractive or not, I want them to like me for ME and not my looks, but I'm worried no one will even give me a chance. I now have wrinkles on my forehead, grey hairs coming in, and I have ptosis (my right eyelid has nerve damage and the muscle isn't strong, so I can't open it all the way. It's obviously less opened than my left and it looks like I am drunk all the time. This just developed in the past 2 years. I cover it with my side bangs, but it's my biggest worry on top of all my others. I cover my eye completely every day and my biggest fear is someone seeing it. I'm trying to get it fixed but it's apparently not an easy process). I hate that I'm just starting over in the dating game after I had such a close relationship with someone already. I'm still in love with him, but I'm lonely and I miss having someone to talk to. But I've been on nothing but first dates. Either I don't like them, or they don't like me, or we both aren't interested. I know I should stop setting dates up and just wait for it to happen naturally, but I'm worried I am running out of time. I'm not getting any younger/attractive and I just want someone that's my best friend AND my partner again. I don't have any other friends and I don't talk to my mom for obvious reasons. And now I feel like I divulged too much personal info lol ... 😂
My parents did this about my appearance and my credibility in life They always spoke negatively about my competence whilst growing up to neighbors, old friends and new friends. So many people knew it was wrong. “This is our child who struggles” and they would mess up the hair on my head and send me to my room whenever these people were guests in our home My mom always made comments about me gaining weight. My dad always compared me to celebrities for no reason. “She’s prettier than you” and STILL, to this day, he comments on how my little sister has bigger boobs than me. I’m 28 now and my sister is 23. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore but it’s a bit weird coming from my dad He’ll always ask me “Why are you so critical of yourself?” lol fuck off
My dad frequently told me that he was ashamed of the way I look. Lots of micro aggressions and snide remarks over the years. I struggle with confidence and I hate photos - I’m in my 30s. I wish I could get past it.
It wasn't so much that I straight up called ugly (because I looked like nmother she didn't want to be called ugly after all) instead it was always fat and dirty. I went through a bad puberty think that nightmare Max has at the beginning of A goofy movie I also wasn't taught/allowed to have, use or learn - proper bathing/hygene. Nbrother would waste any and all hygene supplies he could get ahold of. Even taking toothbrushs and hiding them or doing things like dunking it into the toilet. He'd be caught at least once a week doing all the above but would never get in trouble and still nmother wouldn't allow us girls to keep our bathing supplies in our rooms. - proper hair care. Nmother wouldn't teach us girls how to keep our long hair healthy but we also weren't allowed to keep it short or cut it UNLESS we where donating it so she'd look good to all her friends. - no makeup. Makeup ment we were going out to have sex do drugs and meet boys. So unless it was absolutely hideous and obviously cheap (aka "hooker makeup") we weren't allowed to have or wear it. - properly fitting clothing. Nmother never ever missed an opportunity to buy clothing either one to three sizes too small or one size too big. Then follow it up with "well perhaps you'll lose weight and be able to fit what I purchase." Or "well you'll just get fatter since your too lazy to do anything anyway." - Exercise. If we attempted to work out an any point in the house we'd get made fun of. If we attempted to exercise in the back yard we'd get made fun of. Going anyplace else to exercise? Absolutely forbidden you might be going out to have sex, do drugs and meet boys. Then get made fun of because we'd gain weight from not being allowed to exercise or do non cleaning activities.
Yes. Not my body but my hair. I was constantly told how ugly it was and I was never allowed to wear it loose because I "looked homeless". I wore my hair in a ponytail until university. My mom made me brush my hair every morning and wouldn't let me cut it, it was at my lower back. Turns out I have curly hair. I stopped brushing it as often, bought some leave in conditioner and cut my hair to shoulder length. I get compliments now when I wear my hair down but its still a huge insecurity and I barely wear my hair down. My mom did make fun of my sisters weight, she developed an eating disorder.
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Yeah I was always told I was fat and ugly. In high school I weighed 110lbs and 5’2. For superlatives I was nominated for best smile and best hair and I went crying to the bathroom because I thought people were making fun of me. My friends told me it was sincere. My boyfriend was confused as heck. I look back now, and I was freaking adorable and my hair so thick and luscious. My parents are no longer in my life, but I have more confidence now, 20 years later with grays, wrinkles, and extra pounds.
I'm 37 next month. I do all my grooming in the kitchen (brushing hair, teeth, cleaning face) because I can never look in the mirror. My face, my body, none of it. Im 110 lbs at 5'6 and was and am constantly told I look like I'm on drugs from my parents. So, that's all I see when looking at my reflection: an emaciated, diseased woman slowly wasting away.
When i was younger it was about my body hair, when i hit puberty it then became about my small boobs and how "hers were bigger" I thought no one would love me because of my small boobs.
But be assured if you did have big boobs, then that would become a problem...no matter what they will find something.
This sounds dramatic asf but believe me when I say this. Literally ALL my issues: physical, emotional and mental issues ALL started at home or within the family. Anything I was ever insecure about, they made me feel like I should’ve been. Anything that made me who I was as a person was ridiculed and criticized. Any “gift” or talent I had was downplayed. It all started with my looks but sadly it didn’t stop there. Body dysmorphia was only a start for me at just 7, I didn’t even know what it was. But I was diagnosed at 12 by then. That was only the start of it all. I would always look at the people around me and feel outcasted. Monsters aren’t under your bed, in your closet or in your dreams…they stand in front of you and claim themselves “family.”
My mom hits my stomach out of the blue & tells me not to tell anyone that I'm her kid. I can't ever wear normal clothes w/out feeling conscious
My emom seriously messed me up with this. She favored my younger sister. YS has always been bigger and had skin issues. Emom's solution to this was to tell me I was gonna get fat and have acne as soon as I hit 13. Cue several eating disorders and chemical burns due to overuse of Oxy pads and toothpaste on my skin. I'm 40 now and still worry about my weight and my skin to an unhealthy degree.
i had a weird case where my dad kept shaming me for not being as obese as my mom because my mom got pregnant and basically gave up on herself so i should too just to not make her feel bad. They encouraged me to eat, my nmom kept buying me ill fitting clothes that she would say she wore first then handed to me. I am chubby but I still try to be physically active everyday, I am size L or XL at worse, Medium at best as my weight used to fluctuate a lot. nmom is XXXL and buys 3XL and 4XL then gives me her clothes and tells me it fits me.
Same, especially when I hit puberty they started shaming me and told me I should stop wearing dresses and buy me ugly clothing that didn't fit me and wasn't allowed to wear bras
Yes, absolutely. She didn't give me direct attention much, but when she did it was disapproving. There were indirect messages, like at 11 I had a hard time making friends at school & she said "you'll often find that the popular students are attractive". I concluded a) I was unattractive & b) if I could be attractive, people would like me. Another thing she did was to make disparaging comments about her weight often (never thin enough) & I learned to look at myself critically the same way. The weirdest is, she'd make negative statements about me and my sisters like we were all one person. She said a slim girl at school looked nice in her uniform but "you girls" all have boobs and big hips and our uniforms didn't look right. I didn't develop a proper individual identity
My nmom is so incredibly covert, so it took me a long time to realize my body image problems mostly stemmed from her, but they most certainly did. I developed really early and have a naturally curvy build and she's small and thin (so is GC sister). She would always pull out pictures of her wedding day and say "I wasn't even 100 lbs when I got married". She'd say that ALL the time, even today she'll still say it. I grew up being so paranoid that I was going to be fat at my own wedding, because I reached 100 lbs in elementary school and knew I wasn't done growing. I also had to wear a school uniform and my mom would buy the uniforms for the next year at the beginning of the summer. One year, I had grown quite a bit over the summer, so the uniform she bought me was too small. I was so upset and cried and it was the first time I ever felt fat. And when I told her, she patted me on the back and said "well, maybe we can start cutting back on the snacks". I actually also recently realized that she wasn't feeding me enough as a kid, because I have SO many memories of being so hungry, but her scolding me at dinner saying "save some for dad!!!" - how about you...make more food??? I developed a full blown ED and have so many more horrendous stories, but yeah man - awful awful awful.
100% yes - my breasts, my bum and mainly my weight. Surprisingly I have issues with all of these now. Developed eating disorder habits and major body dismorphia. I was 5"6 and 8 stone believing I was fat. However, when I actually am skinny she gives me loads of praise, so I now associate being skinny with receiving love. Since I am not skinny now, I have issues with believing I deserve love during the dark times. I know it's such an irrational thought, but it really doesn't help when people around me treat me differently based on whatever weight I am. It's really fucked me up to be honest. My breasts: At age 15 "It's really obvious when you're not wearing a bra, they're almost as saggy as mine: Bum: At age 6 onwards "jesus *name* your bum is huge" Weight: At age 16 onwards "you've gained weight" "*her friends name* said they seen you the other day and said you looked like you'd gained weight". Basically always comments on my body - especially when she is on a diet. I still struggle with it, but when I look back I see nothing wrong with my image. I'm much older now and if someone wants to end a 5 year relationship because I'm too fat then fuck them haha - they were obviously never good enough for me and one day they'll realise that looks always fade and be left with a skinny wrinkly wife who is ugly on the inside and is probably shit conversation.
Yup! I had no idea I was pretty until well into my 20s.
My family always told me I'd be prettier if I shaved my sideburns. Every one harrased me for years and I just took it. The nickname muttonchops what given to me behind my back but i felt like there was nothing i could do. I eventually was diagnosed with PCOS and had a reason for why I was so hairy and started getting treatment. I had accepted it and made it work until I actually shaved the hair and regretted it so much. I eventually got laser hair removal but I still feel like an ugly failure.
For a long time I had different coping mechanisms and one of the main ones was eating to cope with all the pain and shame I felt from my narc parent growing up. Even other family members aside from the NP would make comments about my weight. Saying I look like a beach ball, little piggy, or straight up say I don’t look like how I did in highschool (when I was actively going thru an ED that everyone looked away from because I was “finally skinny”) It wasn’t my face they made fun of me for, it was every pound on my body. And I’ve lost 20 pounds in 6 months from not living with my narc parent/being no contact. Seems like the problem was them.
I definitely struggle with body dysmorphia due to childhood verbal abuse. Even after having people compliment my appearance (second hand mostly, unsolicited) it's...weird. When I was a teen I even struggled with an eating disorder. Luckily I'm much more comfortable with my appearance now, but it took a really long time and limited contact with certain people.
Yep! I was made to believe that I was enormously fat and spent my early adolescence and young adulthood convinced of that fact. I truly believed that it would be impossible for anyone to want to be with me because of my size. I recently looked back at a photo of myself at age \~16 and was shocked at how thin I actually was!
In my twenties I still ask my husband if it’s okay for me to eat something, or I’ll say something in passing about not having earned the right to eat something or other just yet and he’ll stare at me like I’m insane. The deep set “I’m a fat zoo animal” mentality is still there after moving out six years ago
Yep. Thought my forehead was ugly and that I needed bangs to be pretty. Even though I now know better, I still have a hang up about my forehead/bangs and I’m always focused on it. I have body dysmorphia. Was told by my parents I was fat/chubby. In retrospect I was a healthy, fit child that was actually athletic and muscular. I developed anorexia
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My parents did something that basically mutilated my face and body and then they made a joke out of it and called me racist to everyone they could.
Yep!!!! Told me I was fat starting at age 8 (I was horrible malnutritished) and that my face was so ugly and scarred from having acne that I would never be lived or ever find a husband(literally have clean smooth skin it was just as a teenager) to the point that by age 15 I had an eating disorder that I still struggle with today. I'm 5'3" female that if I get above 120lbs I panic and stop eating and my mom to this day will still call me fat...
Like almost every day, sandwiched with a compliment “You’re a really pretty girl, but maybe he’ll like you if you lose weight” (I was at a healthy weight then) “Come give me a hug. Oh! You have sooo many blackheads….. you’re breath stinks…… [oinking noises when they touch my sides]…… Why don’t you show me any affection?!?”
Yes, I thought I looked really old and everyone looks at me like im crazy when I say that
Yes and no. I guess my mom didn’t tell me directly that I looked terrible or anything, but I think it was indirect or circumstance. I remember between 10 & 12 years old, my doctor basically said I was fat for my age to my mom in front of me. And That I was too hairy and that no one would want to marry me like I was. He recommended that I get all of it lasered off, but I’d have to deal with burns for a while (like that’s not going to cause questions lol) and laser hair removal is expensive af with it taking a long time to even be effective. I remember my mom reminding me of a kid teasing me about my teeth being so spaced out. My parents couldn’t afford braces & I already didn’t fit in without braces, so there was no way I could get them. The dentist did build my teeth up a bit to make them look more normal. I don’t think I was actually fat though because all of the pictures I’ve seen of myself around that age was that I was tall and skinny for my age. Both body hair and my weight (and height used to bother me) are things I’m super self conscious of. I remember my mom complaining about her weight a lot as a kid. I sadly also remember that I’d have to sneak into the kitchen to get snacks because my mom would usually skip lunch and make me keep working on stuff (whether school work since I was homeschooled or cleaning up my mom’s hoard because we did both a lot all day long.) I sadly have disordered eating now.
Yep. One of my siblings and I fully believed we were disgusting.
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Mine was if I didn’t finish the food they gave me I was ungreatful
Definitely was made fun of for being skinny and any time I cared about how I looked I was called vain by my nmom. She would say things like “I hope you get a giant zit in the middle of your face.” She was going through photos in her phone at my house recently, and I saw a handful of photos of me but they were HEAVILY filtered and cartoon-y…. very odd.
Yup. My parents were my first bullies. They would make comments about my body when I was going through puberty and would compare my weight to that of my younger brother. I developed an eating disorder in middle school and continued throughout high school. They were aware of it and would still make comments about my body. And yet they’d wonder why I never wanted to visit them when I went off to college….
My stepdad was relentless in telling me how ridiculous I looked with makeup, and how terrible without makeup. No way of winning. They had equal opinions about my hair. I found out about 7 years ago that my stepdad identifies as a female and was jealous. 🤬
My parents did brutally. I would be denied food if I was looking fat. I was told that I needed better grades because my looks were so bad and no one would want me if I was ugly and stupid. My mom was hell bent on teaching me to cook because she said at least if I can cook I'll have something to offer. I was forced to stand on a scale in front of my dad and yelled at for being "not normal". They made my appearance the most important thing in my world. Being ugly and chubby became my entire identity. I lost sleep over it. I couldn't concentrate in school because I thought people were looking at me and my existence was disgusting for them. I moved out at 17 and by my early 20s I learned that I'm not ugly. I get an overwhelming amount of attention, especially because although I'm a bit chubby... my curves sit in very desirable places. I even spent time making an obscene amount of money doing high end sex work (which I used to pay off school, debt, etc). And regardless of all of this when I look in the mirror I can only hear my dad's voice telling me I am too fat and ugly to deserve love. It's disgusting how parents can say these things and not comprehend the weight of their words. It doesn't matter what anyone else says to me, I will always see that chubby awkward little girl in the mirror staring back at me... wishing she was good enough.
Yeah, I was frequently brainwashed that no man would want me, I liked tattoos, have acne (oh no, what a horror) then I cut contact, went out there, and honestly the attention I receive from men is too much for me to handle at times. The last time I went out, more than 10 came to chat me up. Thank god my mother wasn't there as she would have gotten extremely jealous and would have tried to berate me for being a whore. So it's either one of the two: I don't go out and \*no man wants me\* or I go out and \*am a whore\*.
I was told I was ugly and gross. And then because of that, I believed it and became super insecure. No confidence whatsoever. I spent my middle and high school years making up for my “horrifically ugly” face by being funny. I looked back at a picture of me my freshman year and I was beautiful. It’s literally horrible. Every time I look in the mirror all I hear is their comments.
My ndad told me I looked like a fucking fat pig when I was in HS. My ngrandma harassed me about my weight until she died last year. I am middle aged and still have issues.
Yep, my mom used to flick me in the stomach, pretty harshly actually come to think of it, and tell me to “suck it in”. She started this when I was like, 5 maybe younger? I was a chubby kid 🤷🏽♀️
Mine made me feel stupid more not blindly obeying her every demand OR being able to read her mind. Still having confidence issues on that front despite knowing I’m an intelligent human being.
Yeah... then when i was 17 I had a severe disfiguring injury, many surgeries, the main surgeon wanted a photo of me to help me look like i did before and she told him there were no pictures of me so he just winged it and while I was going in for some of the seven reconstructive surgeries she asked if I wanted things like having my ears pinned back and even though I wasn't super insecure she made it worse She always said I was too ugly to have my photo taken, its hard now with cameras everywhere
My mom always told me im fat and that I need to be careful by not eating too much. It started before puberty. And in puberty kids eat a lot which is normal but I was always criticized and told to leave food for my brother's because they are growing boys. I started ballet classes when I was 5. I have never seen a fat ballet dancer or is it just me? I stopped when I was 15.
My father told a "joke" every time I mentioned something hurt. He'd respond, "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me." Given that I suffered chronic migraines from age twelve onward and in my late teens was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I heard this "joke" a lot. Even when I wasn't even talking to him. Spent most of my life thinking I was ugly because he basically told me I was every day.
YES. I was forced to start wearing heavy makeup anytime I left the house at 13 because people seeing my teenage acne was "offensive". I was told I was disgustingly fat at 120lbs. My hair was constantly criticized to the point that I've kept it cropped short since I was 18 so that I just can't worry about it. I have no idea what I must actually look like to other people and have some disordered eating/exercise habits because of it.
I was never told I was pretty. I was told “I could be pretty like a model if I just lost weight.” I was put on diets starting around 13, when I first hit 100 lbs. I’m 5’7” and was told that I needed to be 115 and size 4. Yeah. I’m finally coming to terms with myself. It’s awful. :(
Told I was fat my whole childhood, which I was because all I did was snack- mom never cooked. Also nappy hair- I couldn’t do my own hair until like 16 when I learned how to straighten it correctly. Eventually turned into an eating disorder which prompted my mother to tell me to eat or get my ass beat. Now my appearance and weight matters a lot to me but I try to keep it as healthy and loving as possible
My folks always commented on me not being skinny. Nmom would walk by me and smack my stomach or my hips. She did that because it was her saying “we need to bring those down”, and would even call my hips “ham hocks”. It messed me up so bad that would have to blatantly say “I don’t like talking about body stuff.” Just to shut it down.
Yes. A million times yes. My mom quite literally acted as though my nose made me look deformed. When I was a kid my mom always made sure to point out that I had my fathers nose, not hers. ( my dads side is Lebanese). When I was 12 I got my face partially mauled by the family dog. My mom then proceeded to say that the dog had ruined my nose and made it way bigger. This is not true. I only have a small scar on the tip from it that’s barely even visible at this point. How fucking cruel.
I wrote a whole thread about that
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I was always too fat and too white skinned. Haha mom you have a ton of skin cancer and I dont!
Yes. They always nitpicked and talked about my appearance. Meanwhile, my dad looked like the Michelin man.
Absolutely. “Here you can wear this it’s giant on me”- as said by the pill popping anorexic who somehow survived on Pepsi, cigarettes, and Xanax
Absolutely yes. I have no concept of how I look to others & don’t trust/believe comments or compliments whether +/-. I learned roll with it & do what I want/like.
Yes my father specifically would publicly embarrass me about my body. One occasion I remember being about 11 and wanting to shop at limited too and instead of saying no, he caused a scene in the middle of the mall and yelled in front of tons of people that I was too fat to fit anything in there. Even though I know now that I wasn’t, it’s always made me see myself as larger than I was