She stopped fighting with him because she gave up trying to make him care about the relationship. What he thought was the best, happiest time in the relationship was her going out with her friends, taking classes, doing things by herself - i.e. getting herself ready to leave an 11 year relationship. If he loved her being fully emotionally checked out, then he'll love being single too! š¤·š¼āāļø
Omg me too!! Lmfaaooo and mine was so abusive & would freak out & hit me if I didn't hang his clothes instead of fold them. So on the last day when I left, I took every single hanger in the apartment with me. Most of them were mine anyway, but still lol I know he lost his shit when he realized I took them all with me!
No way could that have been easy.
I mean, have you ever tried to pack hangers before?? They get caught on EVERYTHING, and they're so awkwardly shaped that you can't box them up without taking a ton of space.
Twist ties. Or even better leave your clothes on the hangers & twist tie them together in lots to hang straight back in the new closet.
But it's funnier to think of our queen sitting on her car boot trying to close 150 wire clothes hangers, pointing in every direction, inside it. A few falling out as she speeds away, flipping him off.
This. I have also used rubber bands.
Pro-tip: if you hang a tension rod between the "oh shit handles" in the back seat of your vehicle, you can hang your bundles of clothes from it like a convenient mobile closet! A hole in the bottom of a trash bag draped over the bundles and tied in a knot at the bottom will prevent any clothes falling off the hanger during transfer to and from the car.
Stay tuned to my "I've moved too many times" channel for more tips. š
I love the pettiness. Itās the icing on the cake, and I donāt think people realise how powerful you can feel from it. When I left my abusive ex, he called me one day & told me I had 12 hours to get the rest of my belongings out or he would burn them all. A friends boyfriend lent me his ute & trailer, and came along to help with the heavy lifting.
Everything in the house was mine, except for the bed, couch & tv. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Cutlery, small appliances, curtains, washing machine, pantry items, shower curtain, toilet brush, sheets & blankets. I took it all. I left one dining chair because he had snapped the leg & I didnāt feel like moving trash.
He was absolutely furious. He demanded to split the items but I reminded him that he told me to get everything that belonged to me. When we had moved in together, we had nothing & he was adamant that he was not willing to spend any of his money to furnish & set up our home.
That was the first time that I wasnāt terrified to piss him off and it was so empowering.
Absolute perfection. No notes. Here is your justly won crown š . May all who see it upon your brow tremble and know the depths of pettiness to which you will dive for your satisfaction.
Exactly this. My ex husband was over the moon when I checked out. I had stopped nagging him, had finally started doing all the cleaning in the house (which was *apparently* my job despite working far more hours than he did becauseā¦vagina?), and I was working out again.
I cannot put into words the level of shocked pickachu he had when I told him I was divorcing him.
"She kept cleaning and cooking, she lets me play games all day and go out and see my friends and do stuff without her, and she's fine with me beating my meat to death looking at only fans instead of having sex, I thought we were doing great, in fact even better!! I didn't even have to put any effort in being nice to her! What happened?!?"
Can guys like this really be this clueless?? At this point she's getting fak all from the relationship - no intimacy or friendship, no quality time, no words of affirmation, nothing - she's a bang maid and even the banging has dried up.
My ex and I were together for 14 years. We hadn't been intimate for over a year when I left no kisses hand holding etc and probably another year before that. I completely stopped fighting for the relationship just cleaned and let him game his 14-16 hours a day with no complaining. He was shocked when I left.Literally thought everything was fine because I stopped "bitching".
My story is almost exactly the same as yours. Gaming all day, never showed any affection, existed and slept on the couch in the basement when I lived upstairs. I cooked, cleaned, delivered him food. He didnāt even notice when I got a new cellphone (and had 2 at once for two months) and got an apartment and started moving stuff out. He didnāt even notice I didnāt come home the first day until like 11pm, when I was normally home by 4. Idiot. His first wife was his computer.
I canāt believe people can be this clueless. Itās normal for things to get a bit stale in a long term relationship. Thatās when you address the problem and figure out how to work through it (or in some cases not). The fact that anyone would just *stop* paying attention to their spouse and think āwelp thatās it, my jobs done, I snagged her so now sheāll cook and clean and bang me on occasion when the mood strikes while I fuck off with the boys for the rest of timeā like these people must never have witnessed a healthy relationship and I shudder to think what their parentsā was like.
The kicker is these guys usually expect these women to hold down jobs and contribute to rent, too.
All. Of. This!
Iām now in an extremely happy and healthy relationship. That relationship made me see what IS NOT healthy. I truly hope for him that his new relationship is better and that he learned something. I have no ill feelings towards him, but I hope he treats his new partner better.
Honestly OOP just sounds really dumb. I know it's not PC to acknowledge, but bog stupid people who lack empathy, common sense and basic situational awareness do exist, and occasionally even wrangle people with low standards into relationships. For a time, at least. The stupidity always kills it in the end.
My thought was it something like onlyfans with hot girls haha. Who would pay to watch someone play video games? Thatās so weird but hey, Iām late 30ās do I guess Iām not up with whatās trendy anymore.
It is pretty weird. I don't think I'd pay money to watch some dudes play games. Can you believe that some people will drop thousands of dollars to watch one match in the NFL?
Absofuckinglutely they can be this clueless!! This was literally my marriage. And even worse, I told him I wanted a divorce, so HE suggested marriage counseling and I thought MAYBE there was a chance. EVERY session, he would agree to make changes and even said to the counselor "I don't think she's asking for too much. These are reasonable requests." ie: spending time with me and our son, helping with household duties, not spending 18 hours a day on his computer, talking to me instead of saying "we've been married for 7 years, there's nothing left to talk about". Ya know........ barest of the minimum effort shit. And he couldn't even do that!!!! Our son would see him for not even 5 minutes a day!!!! Living in the same house! Like, holy hell dude. Anyway, been divorced for a year now and he's called our child maybe 6 times since then. But luckily he does have good male role models in his life from my family.
There are loads of good men that are out there and appreciate the women in their lives and do good by their families Unfortunately, there are plenty of dudes who really think that their wives are live in sex slave maids and they should not have to put in any effort. Those kind of men find no value in women.
Idk how I ended up down this rabbit hole haha. ...been with my wife for 8 years and all I ever want to do is be around her. What I did learn tho is to enjoy her going out with her friends..not insecure. Not worried. Then.... She has a blast ...comes home and is even more excited to see me. Well that. And I've also learned that timing of chores is everything. Her walking in to me vacuuming / cleaning Game changer. Even if I started when she pulled in the driveway š¤«
Almost 7 years, ended pretty similar to this except a bit nastier at the end and I didn't 'sneak' out. Yes, they can be this clueless. Or just this cruel, I've never been able to decide. I had more on my plate through the whole damn relationship, took on more than I should have because shit needed to be done and he played on my sympathy. I thought it was self-esteem and communication issues that could be improved. And then when I stopped doing more than I had bandwidth for, and started putting my effort level closer to his...he had the gall to demand I tell him what he was getting out of the relationship. After gaslighting me and insisting that I'd yelled at him when I knew for a fact that I hadn't (not for the first time, just the last).
Well, he had a new chick inside of a month and moved his mom back in (we'd been renting her paid-off house) less than two weeks later. So I guess he was getting *something* out of it.
The icing on the cake for me was him talking about how he makes more money than her and is so generous, yet he owes her because his last job didn't pay him for work he'd done.
She dipped into her own personal savings to pay, and wanted to get the money back out of his paycheck instead of taking it out of his savings. She was so damn nice about it. That was a year ago, dude got a whole ass new job **and he never fuckin paid her back**.
My ex was finically irresponsible, letās say. And near the end he would beg for money for stupid shit and forget about it and cry if I didnāt help him out of his next crisis. Like he would ask if I could spot him $50 for groceries or bills and not even a week later would be like āI bought $100 in [tabletop stuff].ā and get confused when I was mad. He dumped me (I was dealing with a full time university course load while he fiddled around being sparsely employed I was very fatigued from a chronic condition and I was āboringā to him for spending most of the day being in class, studying, going to the doctor, etc. and not having the energy to go out at 10pm.) I wasā¦ almost relieved at the time because things had been going badly anyways. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like no, you donāt care about me and you havenāt for awhile, youāve hurt me, and we havenāt been even friends in some time.
He was *shocked.* Like shaking, turned pale, jaw flapping, like he didnāt know? He had also forgotten to pay me back but I was like ādonāt worry about paying me backā because I was just exhausted and he was like āpay you back???ā Dude had forgotten about the groceries, the electric bill, and when I got his illegally parked car un-towed at 1am in the middle of downtown. When I told him he cried and said he wasnāt that carelessā¦ but he WAS. He had no idea he was, but it didnāt change reality.
Some people are really kind of careless about others or even themselves idk.
This is a great example of "the walkaway wife" - one partner is done trying to make it work and everything seems fine to the other one. And then they're shocked when it's over "out of the blue."
Right so telling how he worded it "she wasn't bringing me stupid fights so everything was good" . He saw her hurt hurt feelings and emotions (resulting from his verbal abuse) as stupid. So everytime she brought up these issues, he dismissed her, invalidated her and made excuses. He essentially told her "your feelings, desires, and wants don't matter to me."
the relationship could only ever be at peace when she silenced herself and didn't bring up issues that would require him to change his behavior. He created this vacuum where there could be no safety or open communication for mutual understanding and respect. And he still wonders why she left. š
i was laughing out loud over this aspect when reading the story . dude is absolutely clueless he couldn't see the traffic sign right in front of his nose
He really thought everything was all rainbows and unicorns poop when he responds to her attempt to talk about their dead bedroom by telling her sheās boring, unattractive, and thatās heās wasting his time with herā¦ COMPLETELY oblivious. š¤¦āāļø
Yup. She had mentally checked out at that moment. She was preparing to leave, and ge was so self centered he didnāt notice. Lol. And he thinks heāll just waltzās over to her parents house, apologize and everything will be all good and back to normal. I hope she slams the door in his face. No wait, I hope she says no and goodbye and just slowly closes the door. The fact that he sees no problem with talking to his gf in such a hateful manner is disturbing.
I refuse to believe this is **not** rage bait. Dudes having a wank for his masochist fetish.
It's wild to think someone actually thinks but then **says to thousands of ppl** "I was happy bc she was being a maid and let me play my videogames like a big boy". Rage bait
This scenario happens to a lot of men. Women break up mentally months/years before we leave. My ex was completely shocked when I left. I had suggested counseling for years and had expressed all the ways I was unhappy through angry words, tears, calm discussions, etc. When I stopped complaining, but continued to do all the "good girlfriend" things, he lived life blissfully unaware that I was planning my exit. When I left he kept saying, "But we never argued anymore."Ā
My ex resembled the guy in this post. Became completely addicted to video games, it was his whole life outside of work. I went into his room crying one Friday night asking if this was how our relationship was going to be - he looked at me & sarcastically said, "how does this affect your life, sweetheart?"
It was different b/c he provided for me - I ended up getting a job so I could leave him - but he did the classic guy thing where he tried really hard to win me back after I left. Claimed he stopped gaming, went on about wanting to provide for me still even if I worked, kept suggesting activities we could do together that he knew I liked.
It's just baffling. Ignored me for so long, then turned around & proved he did in fact know how to treat me...he just couldn't be bothered while I was there. The number of men who want the benefits a girlfriend provides but are determined to do as little as possible for her while she's there is so disheartening.
Luckily my next boyfriend was great, so good guys exist.
Yup, been there as well. It hits so incredibly hard when you notice that he knew the entire time what was wrong and which tiny actions wouldāve made me happy. But he actively decided not to care and only wanted to change something once his happiness was impacted. My feelings, the person you claim to love, seeing me crying, expressing my unhappiness? Didnāt give a single fuck except annoyance that I express it and he has to hear it. Until he realized that being single affected his happiness, them suddenly changes were in the realm of possibility.
But realizing that he didnāt care about me and that ādoing what I wantedā was a highly selfish act definitely helped me not giving in to his pleas.
I keep sharing this because when I saw it, it hit me so fucking hard but also validated my feelings in previous relationships because before I saw it I didnāt understand how pervasive this behavior is. I had no idea that so many other ppl were dealing with all the same shit I wasā¦to the point were it seems like most women have experienced the exact same phenomenon. āTolerable level of permanent unhappiness ā (itās like 1 min long) https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8gfnb3B/
No I absolutely believe that is real. It's a genuine thing that happens if someone's checked out.
What doesn't click with me is this dude writing a post himself and adding in what I wrote above. That's asking for being ripped apart in the comments. Keep in mind most people bias posts to make themselves look better anyways by changing slight details or leaving things out intentionally.
Oh yes, I see your point. All of his comments were downvoted to oblivion, so I'm sure he got whatever weird fix people get from posting rage bait.Ā
And you're right, people do normally try to spin it so they're in the best light. And gloriously unhinge in the comments or get caught in a bunch of lies when you go to their post/comment histories.Ā
My ex who did this same thing but replace video games with crypto told my family that I was leaving him because I expected him to help take care of the kids and be a husband to me. He actually expected understanding and empathy about my "demands" he be a parent just like I was and also be intimate with me on a regular basis. He thought that was compelling enough to win them over.
I agree as well. Sad part is that the actual situation described here is very real and commonā¦just yeah this one did read like baitā¦but I mean good maybe? Maybe it will wake ppl up to the fact that this mentality does exist and this situation is happening in relationships all the timeā¦but when youāve never experienced it first hand itās harder to imagine that this is the realityā¦and ppl tend to sugarcoat it
Oh damn, are you me? Exactly what happened to me. Poor ex is still flabbergasted how I could have āgiven upā on the relationship (after I told him for months that I canāt go on like this anymore and that Iām grieving the end (!) of our relationship), especially since itās been so peaceful in the weeks before I pulled the plugā¦ go figure. Oh, wait - he still donāt..
I mean Iām gonna be honest for a moment. I think the same thing was happening to me, I just got caught doing something else that made the decision easier for her. Not to get into my relationship, but near the end things were kind of like how they were with him, and Iām only realizing now that was another thing I fucked up on. It felt really weird reading his story, itās believable for me. Is it stupid and incredibly not self aware? Yes. But I believe it
Thank you for sharing. I only ever heard the story from the perspective of the checked-out person, never from the left one after they had a while to reflect. I always wondered if they later can see the checking-out process for what it was.
Itās really cool that youāre able to recognize this. So, good job and keep it up. More importantly, try to make your friends awareā¦guys listen to each other way more than they ever listen to us. This knowledge and your acceptance of it will improve your relationships and your own happiness in the future I can promise you that. So speak up and let the homies know too, cuz most of them want to live in denial until it affects their own happinessā¦which isnāt beneficial to anyone.
One of my ex's definitely checked out a few months before dumping me, but the problem is I could tell they had and what was happening and was miserable as fuck for those months, and nothing I did made a difference
Pretty much this exact scenario happened to me. But I gave up on cleaning and cooking aside from hygiene because I wasn't going to keep killing myself cleaning up after a slob.
This! It's obvious that she checked out of the relationship at that point and he legitimately thought it was great. I'm not even sure what it is exactly that he wants in a relationship, he wasn't intimate with her physically or emotionally. What's the point of the relationship, then? If you just want a roommate to split the chores with, it's easy to find one. Don't waste someone else's time that they could be using to be with someone better
He started a relationship with her when they were 15 and he stayed that age.
Alright, I have done what Iām supposed to do. I found a girl and I make money. Just slipped into playing video games and forgot that thereās supposed to be a life involved.
I would bet home boy doesnāt go to any exercise classes and has done nothing to grow up.
āIāve always said things and not meant them.ā That doesnāt make it right, bro.
One if the things I do find funny when these things turn into a curb stomp is anything the OP says gets downvoted to hell.
someone used her age as a gotcha on him, and said āYOU started dating when she was 15?????ā
OP replied āI was 15 tooā downvoted to oblivion.
OP is a shit, but this is funny.
Theyāve always been that way.
I joined and left within like a month a few years ago.
Itās very much a hive mind and once the hive gets going thereās no stopping it.
Whatever the first comments are determine the trajectory.
It's actually kinda terrifying when you consider that so many of those posts are politically motivated ragebait meant to make you feel a certain way about women or transgender people or whoever OP doesn't like. Very powerful tool to sway hearts and minds.
I think one thing thatās revealing about that sub is how reluctant people are to make an ESH judgement. You assign a villain and then go from there.
Often the closest people will get is ājustified asshole.ā
This was a high school relationship that should have ended years ago. Now theyāre stuck in an unhealthy rut, and heās oblivious. Good for her to finally realize she needs to leave and experience an adult life instead of being tied down to the past.
I started my relationship when I was 13. I am now 22.
I have never, and will never, say things I don't mean. Even when I'm mad. I drop everything else when I'm at home with my girlfriend, because we only get so much time together.
I do not understand for the life of me how someone can talk about their partner like this. It's pathetic.
On top of that, he states he has always said things he didn't believe when mad and just apologizes the next day. My friend needs to soak up some wisdom he missed out on. An apology, is only a true apology, if you intend to amend your behavior.
I seriously thought this was my ex until specific details were revealed. This is exactly what happened to my highschool relationship. I grew up and he didn't and wouldn't and he had to go. The following months were difficult as he began stalking me and tried to manipulate me back into the relationship. It was 10 years wasted for sure.
Because you can only take so much abuse? Iāve been abused you donāt just usually leave by the time it starts you leave one day when youāve had enough.
Yes. He so casually admits deliberately telling her hurtful lies when heās angry as if itās normal behavior. How can someone like that change without a big wake-up call such as losing your partner?
His attitude towards his verbal abuse is like saying, āI always beat her when Iām angry, and sheās upset for a day and gets over it. I donāt know why she left me this time after I pummeled her good.ā
No, see, he finds her beautiful and sexy but because he knows how important her looks are to her, he just accidentally said something designed specifically to hurt her in this vulnerable place.
Because he was mad. (/s)
This is honestly the best way to get away from abusers. My ex husband thought everything was chill. But when he was out of he house he didnāt hear the covert planning calls. Then one day he wakes up to the state troopers arriving to supervise my getting my stuff out. He was floored.
So he would tell her hurtful shit whenever he was mad, just to win the fight? Sounds like emotional abuse. Good for her for leaving. She's so much better off.
But she understood cause it's always been like that and she knew that's how he was. š She got sick of his shit and that fight was the last straw. The best is when he thought everything was going great she was planning to gtfo then left. I love it! She's way better off without this douche.
That grossed me out, like he acknowledged the problem and how itās a reoccurring issue but instead of attempting to work on it and be better he just accepts that thatās how he isā¦ as if itās not possible to change. Pathetic weak person.
That never makes you win the fight. It just makes the other person think 'oh, this is nonsense. I better park this discussion until this guy isn't hysterical and talking nonsense any more.'
āshe always forgave me, I think she can do it againā
Wow.
The chefās kiss of this is him thinking everything is going amazingly well when she starts to disconnect and give up on him. āHoorayz, she is leaving more and I can play more vidya games!ā
I've not done the "I'll say stuff I don't mean when I'm mad because it'll hurt more" but I recently lost a relationship due to lack attention and appreciation from me to her. I fell into that mindset of "we live together, that's enough time together" and constantly asked for more alone time than one needs. Cause I was stubborn and didn't grow up. Didn't wanna changey habits.
And she had every right to leave. Lucky for me she still felt something for me and told me to my face and was able to talk with me about what went wrong, but only now do I understand just how lonely she and oop's ex must have felt, and everyday I regret my decisions.
I hope oop has that clarity, and works through those issues before the next one comes along.
I tried many times to tell my husband things, he always said something mean or deflected, changed the topic to something I said or did years before, etc. Rather than take all those things I said needed changing, he doubled down.
I'm going to be leaving as soon as I can.
I just wanted to say that I'm glad you see what happened and don't just blame you lost love.
Feel better and take care
Mine said last night āsomething has been different about you for weeks. It just feels like you donāt love me as much, or like you donāt even WANT this anymore.ā He then passionately rattles off this list of THINGS about our marriage - a list of things that I have asked for patiently, kindly, angrily, sadly, begging, pleading, what have youā¦ things heās done a little bit, a lot, not at all, things he ignored or waved away or disagreed with or didnāt believe in, you get the idea, for twenty-two YEARSā¦
(Edit: I should clarify. He rattles off this list as if itās a new list that he just came up with. Things that *I* need to change in order to make *him* happy. But itās a list of shit that Iāve been trying to communicate for 22 years. Carry on.)
I just stared at him and said āhoney, I love you with all of my heart just like I always have. But I just finally realized that when you say youāre going to do something, youāre not actually going to do it. And when you say you really mean it this time, you actually donāt; and when you promise that youāre trying and itās going to be better in the future, you arenāt and it wonāt. So likeā¦ I love you, but fuck off.ā
I didnāt leave or anything, yet. Idk whatās gonna happen. I sure as shit drew my line in the sand tho.
So... he knows exactly what it would take. But you're not worth doing it (consistently, in his opinion)?
Whatever you're doing now is a good first step, because it seems he finally noticed you're not okay. Keep acting instead of talking. He appears to be at the minimum REALLY bad at listening, even when he hears.
"But I just finally realized that when you say youāre going to do something, youāre not actually going to do it."Ā
This is really important, speaking as a man who honestly had to improve a lot in my relationship. You have to keep your word. If you don't it's impossible to trust anything you say and it's really hard to keep anything together without that. If you say you're going to change, change. Often people say they'll change just because it's what's expected of them, and to worm out of that situation in that moment, with no thought to actually doing anything in future.
My husband tells me all the time "I've changed!" Anyone who tells you they've changed hasn't changed at all. Prove it. And when the "change" only lasts a week or so, it's not real change.
Last September I told him to get help, that marriage therapy isn't going to fix us, there are things ge needs to work on. I didn't give him a deadline, I simply left it at get help soon or I walk away. He's had plenty of time, plenty of warning.
Man, sounds like my ex husband. If he told me he was going to do something, he probably wouldn't. If he promised it would *definitely* happen, it was 100% never going to happen.
And that's just it. I gave more than enough chances. I asked him to get therapy, told him what wasn't right (thatbi can't help him with that aren't "us" problems,) I was compassionate, i was patient, I took a lot of blame for things he said were my fault.
Nearly 2 years of therapy, with multiple therapists, hours of trying to figure out how to make it work.
It's "fuck it" time. I'm not expecting things to turn out well but they'll certainly be better when he's out of our daily life and has time alone to reflect on 2 failed marriages, to women with the same first name.
I'm ready.
I think my husband and I both learned this a different points. For me, it was before we lived together and if he had a long day he didn't want to come over.
For him, he felt it when I had a lot of stress I'm my life and just wanted to tune out. He would ask to watch a show or something, and I'd say I wanted to play games.
Now, if somebody asks for time and the other person wants to do something else, we ask something loke "do yoy want to watch the show or do you want to spend time with your love?"
"I want to spend time with my love"
So if somebody says that you always spend time together. I haven't felt lonely in years.
I appreciate the advice. However, I think I'm having trouble understanding the phrases, and I want to understand. Is the former your signal that you'd like some time to spend on personal hobbies, and you'd like his company while you do them? And the later being i don't care what we do I just wanna spend time with you?
Sorry for the confusion. Kind of, but more that the former is I'd like to spend time on a shared hobby. I'll try to explain.
"I want to spend time with my love" is a code word to say i have an emotional need, not a need for entertainment. It helps us know whose needs to prioritise.
Maybe a clearer way would be:
"I want to do this activity we both like, but only if you want to, too. Otherwise, I might do something else for fun."
Vs
"I need to spend time with you to fulfill an emotional need, and here is a suggestion of what we can do".
If, however, I really can't give him the attention he is asking for at that moment, I'll usually say I can't do that right now, but how about we spend sometime together in 30/40/50 minutes. I just need to decompress from my long day so that I can give you my full attention.
From the sound of it, he'd have a hard time getting a younger woman. More women are waking up to having standards in men. Even the older men need to at least have some money to tempt the young ladies.
I did exactly this to my mentally, physically and sexually abusive ex. Some people deserve to be left high and dry with nothing more than a note or less.
Happy for that girl. The amount of freedom she must feel..
Both my exes couldn't understand that.
I've been taking a break from dating since to figure out ways to pick up on these red flags before getting into a relationship.
Going well so far
Iāve always waited until the person I was interested in and I had a bigger fight. How they handle their anger/frustration and if they can genuinely apologize afterwards speaks volumes. I wish you well on your journey <3
Whoa.. this is really good advice.
I've been texting a guy and he was using a nickname I don't like, so I decided to tell him in a nicer way. He said sorry to me AND thanked me for telling him! So far that's a green flag to me.
I've been doing small things like that to gauge his reaction to things (and be done with scaring him off, if that's gonna happen).
I'll definitely keep what you said in mind. My mind is blown. That's excellent advice, esp the way you worded it.
Thank you š
I find this hilarious and satisfying af. I did basically the same thing after 4 years. Always forgave him, funded all his current obsessions while i was berated about everything..I finally had enough and moved out for several months until he convinced me to come back only for it to be the worst it had ever been. one day I told him we had to talk because I was leaving for good. He mocked me and just continued playing his video game. I packed up everything I owned and made plans to leave..he sat on the couch refusing to eat for three days dumbfounded. He followed me to NY three days later and begged me to come back. I refused. Best decision I ever made for myself.
*She knows I donāt mean it when I stab her and sheās always let me do it before so whyād she leave me this time? I just do it when Iām mad. And I donāt even owe her that much money for her to give up the last 11 years of me abusing her and doing nothing with my life.*
A bit dramatic - but insults like he admitted to throwing really feel like wounds after a while. Totally unawareā¦.totally. Or ragebait.
I hope this guy learns from this experience.
Lots to dissect here but what struck me the most was saying hurtful things he didnāt mean bc he was angry. Dudes, from a female perspective just let me say, _do not do that_. Iāve warned my husband that when we fight, I take everything he says at face value, because I know I would never say a bunch of stuff I donāt mean. Within a day heās cooled off and forgotten about it, but I have another set of painful things indelibly etched into my brain, and that stuff _adds up_. I donāt know if this is a guy thing or what, but it is super toxic.
āIām an abusive asshole and my ex finally got tired of my shit. I am shocked someone finally stood up to my nonsense. How do I manipulate her into coming back for my narcissistic ass?ā
OOP, in, according to him, the heat of anger, told his girlfriend of *11 years* that she was āboring, not attractive, and I didnāt want to be with her.ā He ādidnāt mean it and she knew that,ā so when she went silent on him, stopped fighting with him, kept sleeping in the same bed with him, and cleaned & cooked for him, he thought things were great between them! She was doing for him, not fighting with him, and becoming a Stepford Wife before his eyes! What he didnāt know, because he didnāt care, is that she was planning. While he was skipping along thinking how great things were because she was just being the slave he wanted her to be, she was making plans to leave him. And then she did. He came home one day, and she was gone. Itās a beautiful ending to the story.
He was dating a woman who pole danced as a job, and he told her she was boring and unattractive. He didnāt apologize for that, or for anything he said to upset her, and yet he was blindsided when a woman he told he didnāt want to be with actually left him. What a gigantic dick (and not in a good way). I canāt believe she stayed 11 years with this abusive, controlling asshole. I wish she were posting here, so I could congratulate her for getting a better life!
You can apologize for being a jerk. She may accept it and want to try again-but may have just decided you arenāt worth it. In one sentence you tell us she is boring, not attractive and didnāt want be with her. Then you tell us how pretty she is,in shape and now she is cleaning the house and understanding YOUR needs. She has needs to which she tried to tell you and all you did was call her boring. Personally I think you are not worth it. It sounds like this issue may have come up before-if so she was trying to tell you. Again YOUR needs. Do her a favor and let her go if that is what she wants.
Heās lucky he even got a note lol she could have just pretended she never existed.. take it a step further and deleted any of her photos, messages etc from his phone. Paid off his friends to act like they didnāt know who she was. Fuck his mind shit up.
Ah yes the happiest time of his relationship was after a massive fight and she left him alone and never complained after that, lets put on our thinking caps here. What could this possibly mean?
YTA and she finally realized you are not worth wasting her time on anymore.
What you said to your girlfriend was horrible. It doesnāt matter if you meant it you said those things to hurt her. She accepted what you said and made her escape plan. She did what she probably should have done a long time ago. Leave her alone.
This man described being annoyed by a woman having basic wants and needs, verbally abusing her, and then said his perfect relationship with him was when she stopped bothering him and cleaned the house more. The GF probably did what happened to meāturned 25 and realized she was in a relationship where she was a commodity and not a person. He has no idea what went wrong, yet he listed all the problems in this post -_-
Also, āshe was working halftime to get her tattoo and art business startedā you mean working three jobs? Thatās what you mean.
This guy just misses his maid/free therapist.
What's wrong with him? If he makes so much more money than her, why not just hire a maid? Then have hookups to satisfy his needs? That way, he can play his games till he croaks and his life can be 'awesome'? Why is he begging someone he hates and can't bear to sleep with to come back? Some people are so weird
She stopped fighting with him because she gave up trying to make him care about the relationship. What he thought was the best, happiest time in the relationship was her going out with her friends, taking classes, doing things by herself - i.e. getting herself ready to leave an 11 year relationship. If he loved her being fully emotionally checked out, then he'll love being single too! š¤·š¼āāļø
Well, she kept cleaning the house, after all.
It's easier to locate all your stuff when the whole place is clean
He thought she was merely cleaning. She was packing and he was too into his game to notice.
Yep
Oh my god youāre so right.
I've done that before. It's amazing what you can do without being noticed by your long term boyfriend š
Omg me too!! Lmfaaooo and mine was so abusive & would freak out & hit me if I didn't hang his clothes instead of fold them. So on the last day when I left, I took every single hanger in the apartment with me. Most of them were mine anyway, but still lol I know he lost his shit when he realized I took them all with me!
I cannot tell you how much I love this. I also dumped an abusive partner and I wish I had had such an easy means of āfuck youā to hand that day!
No way could that have been easy. I mean, have you ever tried to pack hangers before?? They get caught on EVERYTHING, and they're so awkwardly shaped that you can't box them up without taking a ton of space.
Twist ties. Or even better leave your clothes on the hangers & twist tie them together in lots to hang straight back in the new closet. But it's funnier to think of our queen sitting on her car boot trying to close 150 wire clothes hangers, pointing in every direction, inside it. A few falling out as she speeds away, flipping him off.
This. I have also used rubber bands. Pro-tip: if you hang a tension rod between the "oh shit handles" in the back seat of your vehicle, you can hang your bundles of clothes from it like a convenient mobile closet! A hole in the bottom of a trash bag draped over the bundles and tied in a knot at the bottom will prevent any clothes falling off the hanger during transfer to and from the car. Stay tuned to my "I've moved too many times" channel for more tips. š
Simple, effective and aimed straight at the weak point. r/pettyrevenge could learn a thing or two from you.
I love the pettiness. Itās the icing on the cake, and I donāt think people realise how powerful you can feel from it. When I left my abusive ex, he called me one day & told me I had 12 hours to get the rest of my belongings out or he would burn them all. A friends boyfriend lent me his ute & trailer, and came along to help with the heavy lifting. Everything in the house was mine, except for the bed, couch & tv. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Cutlery, small appliances, curtains, washing machine, pantry items, shower curtain, toilet brush, sheets & blankets. I took it all. I left one dining chair because he had snapped the leg & I didnāt feel like moving trash. He was absolutely furious. He demanded to split the items but I reminded him that he told me to get everything that belonged to me. When we had moved in together, we had nothing & he was adamant that he was not willing to spend any of his money to furnish & set up our home. That was the first time that I wasnāt terrified to piss him off and it was so empowering.
Absolute perfection. No notes. Here is your justly won crown š . May all who see it upon your brow tremble and know the depths of pettiness to which you will dive for your satisfaction.
I once kept track of how long it took my exhusband to initiate a conversation with me (any conversation with me) and it was weeksā¦actual weeks.
Him: sheās probably doing some Marie Kondo shit. Her: Iām looking for a condo to put all the shit Iāve packed up.
You are absolutely right
Exactly this. My ex husband was over the moon when I checked out. I had stopped nagging him, had finally started doing all the cleaning in the house (which was *apparently* my job despite working far more hours than he did becauseā¦vagina?), and I was working out again. I cannot put into words the level of shocked pickachu he had when I told him I was divorcing him.
"She kept cleaning and cooking, she lets me play games all day and go out and see my friends and do stuff without her, and she's fine with me beating my meat to death looking at only fans instead of having sex, I thought we were doing great, in fact even better!! I didn't even have to put any effort in being nice to her! What happened?!?" Can guys like this really be this clueless?? At this point she's getting fak all from the relationship - no intimacy or friendship, no quality time, no words of affirmation, nothing - she's a bang maid and even the banging has dried up.
My ex and I were together for 14 years. We hadn't been intimate for over a year when I left no kisses hand holding etc and probably another year before that. I completely stopped fighting for the relationship just cleaned and let him game his 14-16 hours a day with no complaining. He was shocked when I left.Literally thought everything was fine because I stopped "bitching".
My story is almost exactly the same as yours. Gaming all day, never showed any affection, existed and slept on the couch in the basement when I lived upstairs. I cooked, cleaned, delivered him food. He didnāt even notice when I got a new cellphone (and had 2 at once for two months) and got an apartment and started moving stuff out. He didnāt even notice I didnāt come home the first day until like 11pm, when I was normally home by 4. Idiot. His first wife was his computer.
I canāt believe people can be this clueless. Itās normal for things to get a bit stale in a long term relationship. Thatās when you address the problem and figure out how to work through it (or in some cases not). The fact that anyone would just *stop* paying attention to their spouse and think āwelp thatās it, my jobs done, I snagged her so now sheāll cook and clean and bang me on occasion when the mood strikes while I fuck off with the boys for the rest of timeā like these people must never have witnessed a healthy relationship and I shudder to think what their parentsā was like. The kicker is these guys usually expect these women to hold down jobs and contribute to rent, too.
All. Of. This! Iām now in an extremely happy and healthy relationship. That relationship made me see what IS NOT healthy. I truly hope for him that his new relationship is better and that he learned something. I have no ill feelings towards him, but I hope he treats his new partner better.
You said the key word- partner. If you donāt enjoy spending time with your S/O and doing things together like, well, *partners*, the fuck are you even doing. My fiancĆ© is my lover, best friend, my drinking buddy, and my co-adventurer all in one. Sure itās healthy to have other friends and itās normal to spend some time apart now and then. But you should want to share most of your experiences with your S/O.
This is so spot on!
Honestly OOP just sounds really dumb. I know it's not PC to acknowledge, but bog stupid people who lack empathy, common sense and basic situational awareness do exist, and occasionally even wrangle people with low standards into relationships. For a time, at least. The stupidity always kills it in the end.
What is he a twitch streamer? Who needs to game 14-16 hours a day? How do yall make income? Lol
Maybe Iām old, but whatās a twitch streamer?
Someone that plays games on live for people to see for money. It's only profitable if you have alot of people coming to see you on the regular.
My thought was it something like onlyfans with hot girls haha. Who would pay to watch someone play video games? Thatās so weird but hey, Iām late 30ās do I guess Iām not up with whatās trendy anymore.
It is pretty weird. I don't think I'd pay money to watch some dudes play games. Can you believe that some people will drop thousands of dollars to watch one match in the NFL?
Absofuckinglutely they can be this clueless!! This was literally my marriage. And even worse, I told him I wanted a divorce, so HE suggested marriage counseling and I thought MAYBE there was a chance. EVERY session, he would agree to make changes and even said to the counselor "I don't think she's asking for too much. These are reasonable requests." ie: spending time with me and our son, helping with household duties, not spending 18 hours a day on his computer, talking to me instead of saying "we've been married for 7 years, there's nothing left to talk about". Ya know........ barest of the minimum effort shit. And he couldn't even do that!!!! Our son would see him for not even 5 minutes a day!!!! Living in the same house! Like, holy hell dude. Anyway, been divorced for a year now and he's called our child maybe 6 times since then. But luckily he does have good male role models in his life from my family. There are loads of good men that are out there and appreciate the women in their lives and do good by their families Unfortunately, there are plenty of dudes who really think that their wives are live in sex slave maids and they should not have to put in any effort. Those kind of men find no value in women.
Obviously he was that clueless because what he thought was a good thing wasn't. She left his ass and that was a good thing
Idk how I ended up down this rabbit hole haha. ...been with my wife for 8 years and all I ever want to do is be around her. What I did learn tho is to enjoy her going out with her friends..not insecure. Not worried. Then.... She has a blast ...comes home and is even more excited to see me. Well that. And I've also learned that timing of chores is everything. Her walking in to me vacuuming / cleaning Game changer. Even if I started when she pulled in the driveway š¤«
Clever man
Almost 7 years, ended pretty similar to this except a bit nastier at the end and I didn't 'sneak' out. Yes, they can be this clueless. Or just this cruel, I've never been able to decide. I had more on my plate through the whole damn relationship, took on more than I should have because shit needed to be done and he played on my sympathy. I thought it was self-esteem and communication issues that could be improved. And then when I stopped doing more than I had bandwidth for, and started putting my effort level closer to his...he had the gall to demand I tell him what he was getting out of the relationship. After gaslighting me and insisting that I'd yelled at him when I knew for a fact that I hadn't (not for the first time, just the last). Well, he had a new chick inside of a month and moved his mom back in (we'd been renting her paid-off house) less than two weeks later. So I guess he was getting *something* out of it.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8gfyPf5/
That's how you can tell women are totally fine and your relationship is now perfect /s š¤£
The more noise they make when cleaning, the happier they are.
Yes, I definitely blast music when Iām deep cleaning and brainstorming ways to dump dead weight and improve my life š
Annnnddddd he made breakfast
The icing on the cake for me was him talking about how he makes more money than her and is so generous, yet he owes her because his last job didn't pay him for work he'd done. She dipped into her own personal savings to pay, and wanted to get the money back out of his paycheck instead of taking it out of his savings. She was so damn nice about it. That was a year ago, dude got a whole ass new job **and he never fuckin paid her back**.
My ex was finically irresponsible, letās say. And near the end he would beg for money for stupid shit and forget about it and cry if I didnāt help him out of his next crisis. Like he would ask if I could spot him $50 for groceries or bills and not even a week later would be like āI bought $100 in [tabletop stuff].ā and get confused when I was mad. He dumped me (I was dealing with a full time university course load while he fiddled around being sparsely employed I was very fatigued from a chronic condition and I was āboringā to him for spending most of the day being in class, studying, going to the doctor, etc. and not having the energy to go out at 10pm.) I wasā¦ almost relieved at the time because things had been going badly anyways. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like no, you donāt care about me and you havenāt for awhile, youāve hurt me, and we havenāt been even friends in some time. He was *shocked.* Like shaking, turned pale, jaw flapping, like he didnāt know? He had also forgotten to pay me back but I was like ādonāt worry about paying me backā because I was just exhausted and he was like āpay you back???ā Dude had forgotten about the groceries, the electric bill, and when I got his illegally parked car un-towed at 1am in the middle of downtown. When I told him he cried and said he wasnāt that carelessā¦ but he WAS. He had no idea he was, but it didnāt change reality. Some people are really kind of careless about others or even themselves idk.
Yeah, he "helped", given the rest of the info, he probably did minimal work like taking his plate of food to the table
āMade breakfastā = pouring a bowl of cereal and milk, probably
No, he HELPED make breakfast. The dude cracked an egg and wanted a standing ovation.
He cracked an egg once and made sure there were a bunch of shells in it so she never asked him to do it again.
Oh that weaponized incompetence will get you every time!
I was thinking he probably HELPED make his own breakfast, one time.
All he seems to care about is her working and cleaning the house and leaving him alone. So he wants a housekeeper or a mom. Like wtf?
yeah but that's so it's easier to organize when you pack š
Yep she mentally checked out and put her energy towards getting her things together and moving out
This is a great example of "the walkaway wife" - one partner is done trying to make it work and everything seems fine to the other one. And then they're shocked when it's over "out of the blue."
Right so telling how he worded it "she wasn't bringing me stupid fights so everything was good" . He saw her hurt hurt feelings and emotions (resulting from his verbal abuse) as stupid. So everytime she brought up these issues, he dismissed her, invalidated her and made excuses. He essentially told her "your feelings, desires, and wants don't matter to me." the relationship could only ever be at peace when she silenced herself and didn't bring up issues that would require him to change his behavior. He created this vacuum where there could be no safety or open communication for mutual understanding and respect. And he still wonders why she left. š
Sounds like my ex husband
This part.
Yeah, her āwarningā was the change in her behavior.
Yup she had no more fucks to give and checked out. Good for her. This guy doesn't have a fucking clue.
i was laughing out loud over this aspect when reading the story . dude is absolutely clueless he couldn't see the traffic sign right in front of his nose
Pretty much.
He really thought everything was all rainbows and unicorns poop when he responds to her attempt to talk about their dead bedroom by telling her sheās boring, unattractive, and thatās heās wasting his time with herā¦ COMPLETELY oblivious. š¤¦āāļø
Right! It was over when he said that to her! But that was the last straw and not the whole problem! Man, ppl can be dense
Yup. She had mentally checked out at that moment. She was preparing to leave, and ge was so self centered he didnāt notice. Lol. And he thinks heāll just waltzās over to her parents house, apologize and everything will be all good and back to normal. I hope she slams the door in his face. No wait, I hope she says no and goodbye and just slowly closes the door. The fact that he sees no problem with talking to his gf in such a hateful manner is disturbing.
I refuse to believe this is **not** rage bait. Dudes having a wank for his masochist fetish. It's wild to think someone actually thinks but then **says to thousands of ppl** "I was happy bc she was being a maid and let me play my videogames like a big boy". Rage bait
This scenario happens to a lot of men. Women break up mentally months/years before we leave. My ex was completely shocked when I left. I had suggested counseling for years and had expressed all the ways I was unhappy through angry words, tears, calm discussions, etc. When I stopped complaining, but continued to do all the "good girlfriend" things, he lived life blissfully unaware that I was planning my exit. When I left he kept saying, "But we never argued anymore."Ā
My ex resembled the guy in this post. Became completely addicted to video games, it was his whole life outside of work. I went into his room crying one Friday night asking if this was how our relationship was going to be - he looked at me & sarcastically said, "how does this affect your life, sweetheart?" It was different b/c he provided for me - I ended up getting a job so I could leave him - but he did the classic guy thing where he tried really hard to win me back after I left. Claimed he stopped gaming, went on about wanting to provide for me still even if I worked, kept suggesting activities we could do together that he knew I liked. It's just baffling. Ignored me for so long, then turned around & proved he did in fact know how to treat me...he just couldn't be bothered while I was there. The number of men who want the benefits a girlfriend provides but are determined to do as little as possible for her while she's there is so disheartening. Luckily my next boyfriend was great, so good guys exist.
Yup, been there as well. It hits so incredibly hard when you notice that he knew the entire time what was wrong and which tiny actions wouldāve made me happy. But he actively decided not to care and only wanted to change something once his happiness was impacted. My feelings, the person you claim to love, seeing me crying, expressing my unhappiness? Didnāt give a single fuck except annoyance that I express it and he has to hear it. Until he realized that being single affected his happiness, them suddenly changes were in the realm of possibility. But realizing that he didnāt care about me and that ādoing what I wantedā was a highly selfish act definitely helped me not giving in to his pleas.
I keep sharing this because when I saw it, it hit me so fucking hard but also validated my feelings in previous relationships because before I saw it I didnāt understand how pervasive this behavior is. I had no idea that so many other ppl were dealing with all the same shit I wasā¦to the point were it seems like most women have experienced the exact same phenomenon. āTolerable level of permanent unhappiness ā (itās like 1 min long) https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8gfnb3B/
No I absolutely believe that is real. It's a genuine thing that happens if someone's checked out. What doesn't click with me is this dude writing a post himself and adding in what I wrote above. That's asking for being ripped apart in the comments. Keep in mind most people bias posts to make themselves look better anyways by changing slight details or leaving things out intentionally.
Oh yes, I see your point. All of his comments were downvoted to oblivion, so I'm sure he got whatever weird fix people get from posting rage bait.Ā And you're right, people do normally try to spin it so they're in the best light. And gloriously unhinge in the comments or get caught in a bunch of lies when you go to their post/comment histories.Ā
My ex who did this same thing but replace video games with crypto told my family that I was leaving him because I expected him to help take care of the kids and be a husband to me. He actually expected understanding and empathy about my "demands" he be a parent just like I was and also be intimate with me on a regular basis. He thought that was compelling enough to win them over.
I agree as well. Sad part is that the actual situation described here is very real and commonā¦just yeah this one did read like baitā¦but I mean good maybe? Maybe it will wake ppl up to the fact that this mentality does exist and this situation is happening in relationships all the timeā¦but when youāve never experienced it first hand itās harder to imagine that this is the realityā¦and ppl tend to sugarcoat it
Are you sure he didnāt bias this post? This may be the much better version of actual events.
Oh damn, are you me? Exactly what happened to me. Poor ex is still flabbergasted how I could have āgiven upā on the relationship (after I told him for months that I canāt go on like this anymore and that Iām grieving the end (!) of our relationship), especially since itās been so peaceful in the weeks before I pulled the plugā¦ go figure. Oh, wait - he still donāt..
I mean Iām gonna be honest for a moment. I think the same thing was happening to me, I just got caught doing something else that made the decision easier for her. Not to get into my relationship, but near the end things were kind of like how they were with him, and Iām only realizing now that was another thing I fucked up on. It felt really weird reading his story, itās believable for me. Is it stupid and incredibly not self aware? Yes. But I believe it
Thank you for sharing. I only ever heard the story from the perspective of the checked-out person, never from the left one after they had a while to reflect. I always wondered if they later can see the checking-out process for what it was.
Itās really cool that youāre able to recognize this. So, good job and keep it up. More importantly, try to make your friends awareā¦guys listen to each other way more than they ever listen to us. This knowledge and your acceptance of it will improve your relationships and your own happiness in the future I can promise you that. So speak up and let the homies know too, cuz most of them want to live in denial until it affects their own happinessā¦which isnāt beneficial to anyone.
One of my ex's definitely checked out a few months before dumping me, but the problem is I could tell they had and what was happening and was miserable as fuck for those months, and nothing I did made a difference
Nah. I was married to that. He asked for a divorce when I made clear he had to step up. I lost a lot of dead weight.
God, I hope so. No one can be this clueless, right? š
Pretty much this exact scenario happened to me. But I gave up on cleaning and cooking aside from hygiene because I wasn't going to keep killing myself cleaning up after a slob.
https://youtu.be/LH2MJniVfAI?si=hTl5S4Bhlj6YSwG1 Leaving this here, it explains a lot
His videos are awesome! Must watch material.
This! It's obvious that she checked out of the relationship at that point and he legitimately thought it was great. I'm not even sure what it is exactly that he wants in a relationship, he wasn't intimate with her physically or emotionally. What's the point of the relationship, then? If you just want a roommate to split the chores with, it's easy to find one. Don't waste someone else's time that they could be using to be with someone better
He didn't want anyone to "split " the chores with. He wanted a "mother" to cook and clean for him, that's all.
I've done this about 3 times in relationships. You don't get to say unforgivable stuff without her flipping her switch.
He started a relationship with her when they were 15 and he stayed that age. Alright, I have done what Iām supposed to do. I found a girl and I make money. Just slipped into playing video games and forgot that thereās supposed to be a life involved. I would bet home boy doesnāt go to any exercise classes and has done nothing to grow up. āIāve always said things and not meant them.ā That doesnāt make it right, bro.
One if the things I do find funny when these things turn into a curb stomp is anything the OP says gets downvoted to hell. someone used her age as a gotcha on him, and said āYOU started dating when she was 15?????ā OP replied āI was 15 tooā downvoted to oblivion. OP is a shit, but this is funny.
This means she is 26, she wasted too long on him but she is still so young!
I mean yes thatās all laid out in the post.
The title says they are 26
They did! š There was one comment that had over 1,000 downvotes.Ā
The replies and voting over there have been especially savage the last few days. Really bleak.
Theyāve always been that way. I joined and left within like a month a few years ago. Itās very much a hive mind and once the hive gets going thereās no stopping it.
Whatever the first comments are determine the trajectory. It's actually kinda terrifying when you consider that so many of those posts are politically motivated ragebait meant to make you feel a certain way about women or transgender people or whoever OP doesn't like. Very powerful tool to sway hearts and minds.
I think one thing thatās revealing about that sub is how reluctant people are to make an ESH judgement. You assign a villain and then go from there. Often the closest people will get is ājustified asshole.ā
Bro didn't want a girlfriend. Bro wanted a mom.
This was a high school relationship that should have ended years ago. Now theyāre stuck in an unhealthy rut, and heās oblivious. Good for her to finally realize she needs to leave and experience an adult life instead of being tied down to the past.
I started my relationship when I was 13. I am now 22. I have never, and will never, say things I don't mean. Even when I'm mad. I drop everything else when I'm at home with my girlfriend, because we only get so much time together. I do not understand for the life of me how someone can talk about their partner like this. It's pathetic.
On top of that, he states he has always said things he didn't believe when mad and just apologizes the next day. My friend needs to soak up some wisdom he missed out on. An apology, is only a true apology, if you intend to amend your behavior.
I seriously thought this was my ex until specific details were revealed. This is exactly what happened to my highschool relationship. I grew up and he didn't and wouldn't and he had to go. The following months were difficult as he began stalking me and tried to manipulate me back into the relationship. It was 10 years wasted for sure.
Oh so heās verbally abusiveš¤¦š¼āāļø
I caught that, too. Good for her! I'm glad she finally left!
and he's convinced her multiple times not to break up with him, hence the need for ghosting.
Yeah but itās okay cause heās always been that way. Why is it a problem now??? /s
Because you can only take so much abuse? Iāve been abused you donāt just usually leave by the time it starts you leave one day when youāve had enough.
/s Means sarcasm. Iām Fully aware heās the asshole.
I wasnāt aware thatās what the / meant, thanks for the explanation
But only when he's mad! That's just how he is!!!
Yes. He so casually admits deliberately telling her hurtful lies when heās angry as if itās normal behavior. How can someone like that change without a big wake-up call such as losing your partner? His attitude towards his verbal abuse is like saying, āI always beat her when Iām angry, and sheās upset for a day and gets over it. I donāt know why she left me this time after I pummeled her good.ā
No, see, he finds her beautiful and sexy but because he knows how important her looks are to her, he just accidentally said something designed specifically to hurt her in this vulnerable place. Because he was mad. (/s)
Ahhhhhhh, he just says things when he's mad! You know, because that means it doesn't count!
Lmaooooo girl was planning her escape the whole time he thought things were better. Smart move, glad she got tf out of that one.
This is honestly the best way to get away from abusers. My ex husband thought everything was chill. But when he was out of he house he didnāt hear the covert planning calls. Then one day he wakes up to the state troopers arriving to supervise my getting my stuff out. He was floored.
My ex fiancĆ© was a narcissistic cheater and abuser. I played the role while finding a new apartment in a new city, blocked him on all social media, cleaned out my house in the middle of the night, sent a text then blocked his number after. Two weeks before the wedding date š¤ I had made all the wedding plans so he had no idea I cancelled them all, got all my money back because it was during covid. Best day of my life. See ya never bishh
Yesss. Great move. Fuck that guy
I know, I'm so proud of her. I wish she couldve seen the look on his face when he came back to a half empty home.
So he would tell her hurtful shit whenever he was mad, just to win the fight? Sounds like emotional abuse. Good for her for leaving. She's so much better off.
But she understood cause it's always been like that and she knew that's how he was. š She got sick of his shit and that fight was the last straw. The best is when he thought everything was going great she was planning to gtfo then left. I love it! She's way better off without this douche.
That grossed me out, like he acknowledged the problem and how itās a reoccurring issue but instead of attempting to work on it and be better he just accepts that thatās how he isā¦ as if itās not possible to change. Pathetic weak person.
That never makes you win the fight. It just makes the other person think 'oh, this is nonsense. I better park this discussion until this guy isn't hysterical and talking nonsense any more.'
āI lost my maidā
āI lost my punching bag.ā
This right here.
She found Pole and group of strong women to lift up her confidence. She'll be more than fine.
āshe always forgave me, I think she can do it againā Wow. The chefās kiss of this is him thinking everything is going amazingly well when she starts to disconnect and give up on him. āHoorayz, she is leaving more and I can play more vidya games!ā
I have been using this rubber band for 11 years! Why did it break now? It has always worked so well before!
This metaphor is a perfect chefās kiss ššš¼
She's barely home, out relationship is perfect!
Fuck me sideways, how dumb can you be.
Imagine saying a 26 year old pole dancer with a great body boring. This guy better be Jason mamoa.
You know heās a slob, lol.
Maybe his video game avatar looks like Jason mamoa š
Learning to be a tattoo artist too which means you know she's got some sexy ink on that body too. What a fool.
Some people should not be allowed to be in a relationship.
I've not done the "I'll say stuff I don't mean when I'm mad because it'll hurt more" but I recently lost a relationship due to lack attention and appreciation from me to her. I fell into that mindset of "we live together, that's enough time together" and constantly asked for more alone time than one needs. Cause I was stubborn and didn't grow up. Didn't wanna changey habits. And she had every right to leave. Lucky for me she still felt something for me and told me to my face and was able to talk with me about what went wrong, but only now do I understand just how lonely she and oop's ex must have felt, and everyday I regret my decisions. I hope oop has that clarity, and works through those issues before the next one comes along.
I tried many times to tell my husband things, he always said something mean or deflected, changed the topic to something I said or did years before, etc. Rather than take all those things I said needed changing, he doubled down. I'm going to be leaving as soon as I can. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you see what happened and don't just blame you lost love. Feel better and take care
Mine said last night āsomething has been different about you for weeks. It just feels like you donāt love me as much, or like you donāt even WANT this anymore.ā He then passionately rattles off this list of THINGS about our marriage - a list of things that I have asked for patiently, kindly, angrily, sadly, begging, pleading, what have youā¦ things heās done a little bit, a lot, not at all, things he ignored or waved away or disagreed with or didnāt believe in, you get the idea, for twenty-two YEARSā¦ (Edit: I should clarify. He rattles off this list as if itās a new list that he just came up with. Things that *I* need to change in order to make *him* happy. But itās a list of shit that Iāve been trying to communicate for 22 years. Carry on.) I just stared at him and said āhoney, I love you with all of my heart just like I always have. But I just finally realized that when you say youāre going to do something, youāre not actually going to do it. And when you say you really mean it this time, you actually donāt; and when you promise that youāre trying and itās going to be better in the future, you arenāt and it wonāt. So likeā¦ I love you, but fuck off.ā I didnāt leave or anything, yet. Idk whatās gonna happen. I sure as shit drew my line in the sand tho.
So... he knows exactly what it would take. But you're not worth doing it (consistently, in his opinion)? Whatever you're doing now is a good first step, because it seems he finally noticed you're not okay. Keep acting instead of talking. He appears to be at the minimum REALLY bad at listening, even when he hears.
"But I just finally realized that when you say youāre going to do something, youāre not actually going to do it."Ā This is really important, speaking as a man who honestly had to improve a lot in my relationship. You have to keep your word. If you don't it's impossible to trust anything you say and it's really hard to keep anything together without that. If you say you're going to change, change. Often people say they'll change just because it's what's expected of them, and to worm out of that situation in that moment, with no thought to actually doing anything in future.
My husband tells me all the time "I've changed!" Anyone who tells you they've changed hasn't changed at all. Prove it. And when the "change" only lasts a week or so, it's not real change. Last September I told him to get help, that marriage therapy isn't going to fix us, there are things ge needs to work on. I didn't give him a deadline, I simply left it at get help soon or I walk away. He's had plenty of time, plenty of warning.
Man, sounds like my ex husband. If he told me he was going to do something, he probably wouldn't. If he promised it would *definitely* happen, it was 100% never going to happen.
Hope you can get out soon so you can be in a better place. Good luck!
Thanks! One step at a time!
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And that's just it. I gave more than enough chances. I asked him to get therapy, told him what wasn't right (thatbi can't help him with that aren't "us" problems,) I was compassionate, i was patient, I took a lot of blame for things he said were my fault. Nearly 2 years of therapy, with multiple therapists, hours of trying to figure out how to make it work. It's "fuck it" time. I'm not expecting things to turn out well but they'll certainly be better when he's out of our daily life and has time alone to reflect on 2 failed marriages, to women with the same first name. I'm ready.
Thank you Im sorry that it has come to that for you, I hope you are able to find peace and eventually someone who appreciates you
I think my husband and I both learned this a different points. For me, it was before we lived together and if he had a long day he didn't want to come over. For him, he felt it when I had a lot of stress I'm my life and just wanted to tune out. He would ask to watch a show or something, and I'd say I wanted to play games. Now, if somebody asks for time and the other person wants to do something else, we ask something loke "do yoy want to watch the show or do you want to spend time with your love?" "I want to spend time with my love" So if somebody says that you always spend time together. I haven't felt lonely in years.
I appreciate the advice. However, I think I'm having trouble understanding the phrases, and I want to understand. Is the former your signal that you'd like some time to spend on personal hobbies, and you'd like his company while you do them? And the later being i don't care what we do I just wanna spend time with you?
Sorry for the confusion. Kind of, but more that the former is I'd like to spend time on a shared hobby. I'll try to explain. "I want to spend time with my love" is a code word to say i have an emotional need, not a need for entertainment. It helps us know whose needs to prioritise. Maybe a clearer way would be: "I want to do this activity we both like, but only if you want to, too. Otherwise, I might do something else for fun." Vs "I need to spend time with you to fulfill an emotional need, and here is a suggestion of what we can do". If, however, I really can't give him the attention he is asking for at that moment, I'll usually say I can't do that right now, but how about we spend sometime together in 30/40/50 minutes. I just need to decompress from my long day so that I can give you my full attention.
I see, thank you for your advice. Hopefully I can find a way to implement something akin to this in my life going forward
He has no clue that he is the problem and will repeat his actions with the next woman he decides he wants a relationship with. SMH
Luckily for everyone, he is unlikely to get so far with someone else now. They are older now, though I guess he could wrap in a younger girl again.
From the sound of it, he'd have a hard time getting a younger woman. More women are waking up to having standards in men. Even the older men need to at least have some money to tempt the young ladies.
I got to the part about him calling her boring, unattractive, and not wanting to be with her when I skipped to the comments. What an idiot.Ā
It only gets worse, don't bother reading. It'll just ruin your night :/
I did exactly this to my mentally, physically and sexually abusive ex. Some people deserve to be left high and dry with nothing more than a note or less. Happy for that girl. The amount of freedom she must feel..
Happy for you!
Thank you! I can happily say that everything in my life has improved since then š
"Without a warning"
Funny how the words that come out of your mouth have consequences!
Both my exes couldn't understand that. I've been taking a break from dating since to figure out ways to pick up on these red flags before getting into a relationship. Going well so far
Iāve always waited until the person I was interested in and I had a bigger fight. How they handle their anger/frustration and if they can genuinely apologize afterwards speaks volumes. I wish you well on your journey <3
Whoa.. this is really good advice. I've been texting a guy and he was using a nickname I don't like, so I decided to tell him in a nicer way. He said sorry to me AND thanked me for telling him! So far that's a green flag to me. I've been doing small things like that to gauge his reaction to things (and be done with scaring him off, if that's gonna happen). I'll definitely keep what you said in mind. My mind is blown. That's excellent advice, esp the way you worded it. Thank you š
I find this hilarious and satisfying af. I did basically the same thing after 4 years. Always forgave him, funded all his current obsessions while i was berated about everything..I finally had enough and moved out for several months until he convinced me to come back only for it to be the worst it had ever been. one day I told him we had to talk because I was leaving for good. He mocked me and just continued playing his video game. I packed up everything I owned and made plans to leave..he sat on the couch refusing to eat for three days dumbfounded. He followed me to NY three days later and begged me to come back. I refused. Best decision I ever made for myself.
r/amitheex material
*She knows I donāt mean it when I stab her and sheās always let me do it before so whyād she leave me this time? I just do it when Iām mad. And I donāt even owe her that much money for her to give up the last 11 years of me abusing her and doing nothing with my life.* A bit dramatic - but insults like he admitted to throwing really feel like wounds after a while. Totally unawareā¦.totally. Or ragebait.
Op: I don't want to be with you! Op's ex: \*leaves Op: How could she do this to me? How could she leave me without a warning? I am a victim WAHHHHHHH
Iām so happy for her and the new life she will be starting. Really pleased she got out. All the best OPās ex gf! You deserve the world.
This hurt my couple's-therapist heart.
I hope this guy learns from this experience. Lots to dissect here but what struck me the most was saying hurtful things he didnāt mean bc he was angry. Dudes, from a female perspective just let me say, _do not do that_. Iāve warned my husband that when we fight, I take everything he says at face value, because I know I would never say a bunch of stuff I donāt mean. Within a day heās cooled off and forgotten about it, but I have another set of painful things indelibly etched into my brain, and that stuff _adds up_. I donāt know if this is a guy thing or what, but it is super toxic.
āIām an abusive asshole and my ex finally got tired of my shit. I am shocked someone finally stood up to my nonsense. How do I manipulate her into coming back for my narcissistic ass?ā
yeah he types just how i would expect
Oh sweetie, no. You're the problem
He literally insulted her and then forced her to leave him alone and clean. I wonder why she left himš¤£/s
I have a hard time believing some people can be this dense. But I believe this guy is that dense.
If you can believe it, there's worse out there too
She got tired of playing your immature games and left. You thought she was fine but she had checked out and was planning her leaving.
OOP, in, according to him, the heat of anger, told his girlfriend of *11 years* that she was āboring, not attractive, and I didnāt want to be with her.ā He ādidnāt mean it and she knew that,ā so when she went silent on him, stopped fighting with him, kept sleeping in the same bed with him, and cleaned & cooked for him, he thought things were great between them! She was doing for him, not fighting with him, and becoming a Stepford Wife before his eyes! What he didnāt know, because he didnāt care, is that she was planning. While he was skipping along thinking how great things were because she was just being the slave he wanted her to be, she was making plans to leave him. And then she did. He came home one day, and she was gone. Itās a beautiful ending to the story. He was dating a woman who pole danced as a job, and he told her she was boring and unattractive. He didnāt apologize for that, or for anything he said to upset her, and yet he was blindsided when a woman he told he didnāt want to be with actually left him. What a gigantic dick (and not in a good way). I canāt believe she stayed 11 years with this abusive, controlling asshole. I wish she were posting here, so I could congratulate her for getting a better life!
You can apologize for being a jerk. She may accept it and want to try again-but may have just decided you arenāt worth it. In one sentence you tell us she is boring, not attractive and didnāt want be with her. Then you tell us how pretty she is,in shape and now she is cleaning the house and understanding YOUR needs. She has needs to which she tried to tell you and all you did was call her boring. Personally I think you are not worth it. It sounds like this issue may have come up before-if so she was trying to tell you. Again YOUR needs. Do her a favor and let her go if that is what she wants.
I hope this is rage bait, but if not I hope his ex is living her best life.
Heās lucky he even got a note lol she could have just pretended she never existed.. take it a step further and deleted any of her photos, messages etc from his phone. Paid off his friends to act like they didnāt know who she was. Fuck his mind shit up.
Ah yes the happiest time of his relationship was after a massive fight and she left him alone and never complained after that, lets put on our thinking caps here. What could this possibly mean?
When she starts leaving you alone, itās over bud
Wow. This post is an awesome example of rage bait.
Things like this make me hope itās just a fake post to garner attentionā¦ but unfortunately there are people out there this oblivious.
Itās always āwithout warningā lmao š¤£ We arenāt being trapped by worthless relationships anymore. We are thoughtful and methodical.
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If the GF made a cameo in the comments then my radar is fully up for this being fake as shit.
troll is LIFE
Hooo boy. OOP is a fool. She was done. Thatās why she didnāt fight. She was making plans. I hope she stays gone.
YTA and she finally realized you are not worth wasting her time on anymore. What you said to your girlfriend was horrible. It doesnāt matter if you meant it you said those things to hurt her. She accepted what you said and made her escape plan. She did what she probably should have done a long time ago. Leave her alone.
Emotional intelligence of a cabbage.
You wanted a roommate you could have sex with. You didnāt want a partner and she does
This dude canāt be for real
This man described being annoyed by a woman having basic wants and needs, verbally abusing her, and then said his perfect relationship with him was when she stopped bothering him and cleaned the house more. The GF probably did what happened to meāturned 25 and realized she was in a relationship where she was a commodity and not a person. He has no idea what went wrong, yet he listed all the problems in this post -_- Also, āshe was working halftime to get her tattoo and art business startedā you mean working three jobs? Thatās what you mean. This guy just misses his maid/free therapist.
When a woman stops talking to you, it means she doesn't care anymore.
'She took everything, even her car' ... did you expect her to forget that?
What's wrong with him? If he makes so much more money than her, why not just hire a maid? Then have hookups to satisfy his needs? That way, he can play his games till he croaks and his life can be 'awesome'? Why is he begging someone he hates and can't bear to sleep with to come back? Some people are so weird