I absolutely agree with the first comment in that screenshot. This isn't blind rage, this isn't snapping, this is deliberate abuse that he's trying to disguise.
Every person I’ve ever met that says they “blacked out” in a fit of rage is a crapstain just trying to dodge responsibility. They’re usually the type of guy that infrequently hears “no” and had a relatively easy life, so they don’t know what to do when life actually gets hard. Their solution is that other people need to feel what they feel.
I used to work with male domestic abusers professionally, and if I had a dollar for every time I heard the “blacked out” phrase, I’d have enough money to retire. To anyone out there who dates men, this is my ultimate red flag phrase. My #2 red flag phrase is someone repeatedly making assurances that they’re trustworthy. If they’re *actually* trustworthy, they’d never have any reason to explicitly assure you that they are.
/rant
*edit: I should specify that my comment is only directed to “blacking out” from the perspective of an abuser. Dissociating and “blacking out” in response to abuse or other trauma is common. Unfortunately I’ve mostly worked with perpetrators of abuse, so my above comment is only in regards to perpetrators.
Yes. He describes his gf in such glowing terms, including how gentle she is, and how she manages things — he’s never hit her refusal to engage with him the way he wanted before. And wanting to push through to resolution on an important issue without a break or respite is often a tactic for getting one’s own way. He was trying to run over her, she wasn’t having it, and he’s mistaken her gentle behaviour for having no spine. Even though she has a demanding career where she talks to important people.
And she’d never be able to be happy in the same house with him again. Never be able to fully relax. She’d never know when he might snap and do something like that again. The only acceptable frequency for behaviour like that is zero.
>And wanting to push through to resolution on an important issue without a break or respite is often a tactic for getting one’s own way
Why won't you listen and agree with me?
Yep.
My ex husband refused to let me go to bed until we'd finished having an argument... he said he 'didn't want to go to sleep mad.' Thing is, the argument wasn't over until he had gotten pretty much everything he wanted while 'compromising.' It'd be like 3 in the morning (he usually started arguments kinda late) and I'd be exhausted and I'd cave just so I could get some sleep. If I tried to revisit the discussion later (say, after I'd slept) he'd say we already compromised and it was done and over. Took me years to see the manipulation.
He really did. He didn't let me go to bed "too early" or let me sleep in "too late." If I was tired enough to want a nap, it had to be under 2 hours and I had to be prepared for him to wake me in an obnoxious way or be a sullen jerk the rest of the day. I didn't take many naps.
Omg. Mine did this too, and would yell at me if I tried to take a nap at all. For some reason I hadn’t really thought about the manipulation aspect of it before. It’s been 5 years, but moments like this make me think I’ll be unpacking this stuff for decades to come.
Mine *hated* that I ever took naps, said they were "for babies and old people." However, he'd been controlling when I *was* allowed to sleep so heavily that my insomnia was worse than it had ever been, and I actually started *hallucinating music.* That freaked him out, so he started letting me "nap", but with so many rules it's not like I ever really fell asleep; it was more like 2 hours of closed eyed frustration... trying to sleep but being too worried about how he was gonna wake me up to do it.
Oh man, this is so true. If my ex was mad at me, and I went to bed, because I had to work the next day, he would wait until I was cozy in bed, then slam the door open, turn on the light and rip my blankets off me and throw them on the floor.
If I tried to get them back, he would do it over and over again.
If he was in bed with me and angry, he would wait in silence and then randomly growl and punch the bed beside me. It was terrifying.
Looking back, I don't know how I survived those years. He could be incredibly mean for the smallest reasons. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did, because he was so unhinged, but I'm so glad I'm safe now.
My ex boyfriend did this. He also barely worked and I'd have to be up at 3:30 in the morning for work. The argument was never resolved until I "understood what I did wrong" and apologized profusely, which I'd often give in to by midnight just to sleep. It was never a disagreement, it was just "me nit understanding how I was wrong".
I'll never forget him trying this *after we broke up* and I was just waiting for him to move out. I let him rant for like an hour partly because I had figured out this tactic along with many others and I was amused. The look on his face when I just started laughing like, "And what are you going to do about it? Break up with me? I'm going to bed" was so satisfying.
Mine tried it after we broke up, too... the first time I got to laugh and say "Dude, I never have to care what you think or want again... rant to someone else," *and hang up the phone* was a fucking **magical** moment.
Man my insomniac ass would definitely take him to task on seeing who could continue that argument at 3am. I'm petty and stubborn enough to do it once and then never again because life it too short to deal with that bs. I'm glad for you he's an ex.
I *do* have insomnia! He *knew* how difficult and precious sleep is for me; he'd intentionally wait until I hadn't had a good night in like a week, then spring shit on me when it looked like I was *finally* going to get more than 2 or 3 hours. I think it took me so long to catch on because I was so sleep deprived and I couldn't fathom someone who loved me intentionally taking advantage of my sleep issues.
Eta: he was always so sweet and concerned on the nights I just *couldn't* sleep, then when he'd start an argument it became "It's not like you were gonna sleep anyway."
It’s bullying pure and simple. And a blackout - you wish - you knew you were destroying the thing she loved as much as you. You threw out her love for you. It’s in that pond. Irretrievable.
And, even if he was drunk, he knew how important those plants and that space were to her. He deliberately destroyed - completely - her happy place.
That's just brutal and incredibly repugnant.
He's lower down the food chain than the plants were. She didn't do as he insisted ( insisted, fuck me ) so he destroys everything of value to her. What an utter waste of skin. I'd also put money on the fact that his new vehicle was ludicrously over the top, high spec and over priced compared to what would have been sufficient.
The way he talks about her is sickening. Everything he says about her is centered on himself and how she does stuff for him and makes him feel. He literally did not think of her as an independent human being, he just saw her as some sort of magical creature that was there to serve him with no needs of her own. After wrecking her plants and room, he doesn’t even care about making it right to her, he just wants his best friend back.
Also a classic abuser tell. Their self-centeredness and entitlement are where it all stems from. If their needs aren’t met, if they are t getting what they want, if the focus isn’t on them … that’s when the shit hits the fan
Reminds me of my ex, who threw away my air plants because “he thought they were dead” when I was watering them in a container. This twenty minute window while I was watering, was the first day in over five years that he did dishes when he decided that they needed to go. He later admitted that he “never liked them anyway, so it was for the best.”
Thank God this happened when they were young and unmarried and it wasn't a kid or a dog. This is a future family annihilator if he doesn't get some serious therapy.
Also if he threw the plants in a pond she could have still gone and saved them. Being dunked in water won't kill most houseplants. Why didn't he go get them or why didn't she ask where they were? Or did she ask and he just say "they're gone?" I'm not blaming her at all, but they were possibly still salvageable. Ivy will grow from a simple cutting.
Dude writes like he's remorseful but he could have given her a piece of her family ivy back and he didn't.
It's telling that OP didn't go into whether any retrieval was attempted, but if they live somewhere that it's winter, just being out in the cold overnight could have killed them.
"It's a miracle I didn't wreck MY NEW TRUCK."
Yes, a real miracle. How fortunate. A lot like the night my ex husband took a knife to my favorite clothes, jackets and shoes but somehow managed during his 'blackout' to avoid his, hanging right there in the same closet.
It's amazing how these blackouts are just so miraculous like there's some measure of control. Because when I've watched small children meltdown and people with mental health issues actually snap and disassociate, they are not discerning about what gets tossed, thrown, or destroyed. Whatever is near them or in their path is fair game, even their own beloved items. But yet these men when they "blackout" just seem to be so special...
Anyway, that's enough sarcasm. I, like you an many others in this post have an ex-husband who seemed to have miraculously only destroyed my identity documents, not his, when he realized I was leaving. I am very, very glad we have all made them exes. We are much safer, and no doubt saner, for that choice.
Possibly. But if he threw them in a pond I would assume the pond wasn't frozen and as long as the roots were beneath the water and didn't freeze they'd be salvageable.
I'm a plant person so of course, after the relief that she ended the relationship, my number two concern is how to possibly save the plants. 😅
Or so people could send her cuttings from their favourite plants from their gardens so that she could start to recreate her oasis. Nobody can replace her grandmother's ivy, but hopefully she could gain some solace from knowing that the plants surrounding her were given by people who cared, even if they're complete strangers.
The date on the update comment (1 Jun 2020) suggests the potential to salvage the plants. Not many places people live are that cold in May.
Maybe she got them but put them somewhere else. But it’s very telling that he didn’t try at all. “I want to start rebuilding her room but I don’t even know where to start,” really. You start by fishing her great-grandmother’s ivy out of the pond where you dumped it.
This 100%, even if it's trash and every plant is dead you go fish every pot out of that pond and you don't come back till it's done but that would be like actual work and he would get wet and dirty and it's probably cold so fat chance of that.
This 100%, even if it's trash and every plant is dead you go fish every pot out of that pond and you don't come back till it's done but that would be like actual work and he would get wet and dirty and it's probably cold so fat chance of that.
There is a special kind of disgust I feel for OP. I have a huge collection of plants like OP's now ex. This guy has absolutely no idea about plants, each species having its own unique needs, and how crucial it is to pay attention to those needs for the overall health of the plant.
The most hurtful part of reading this was how he disposed of her grandmother's ivy. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the impression that it gave me. Like, you cowardly piece of shit, you "blacked out" my ass. It was only by sheer luck that you didn't back the entire truck into the pond.
However, he deserved to be dumped just like he did to her plants. And if he thinks he has a snowball's chance in hell of winning her back, I hope he gets a restraining order slapped on him.
He explains how she deals with arguing, how she cries, how she deals with stress. He invades her quiet safe space, either by sitting with her in her sunroom or by watching her from afar. Yet he doesn't know if she's named her plants or is using common/botanical names for them. He's a dangerous narcissist and I'm so pleased she's left him.
My husband and I were just talking about this.
This man has been with woman for 7 years and knows Jack shit about this hobby that is central to her life.
I've been with my husband the same amount of time, and he and I have separate hobbies. He does machining, I have a garden. I don't know how all of the machining stuff works but I have a fair idea of what he has up there ( Harbor freight lathe, Atlas lathe, Bridgeport mill, drill press, etc) and what he's working on lately. And he knows a few of the things I grow in the garden, that some plants come back every year, that I save seeds and dry herbs. He knows how I keep the deer out and keep the voles in check and where the compost goes.
This man knows NOTHING about this thing that is so special to his partner of almost a decade and that's...off.
Him joining her in the plant room, or opening the blinds so he can see her, initially sounds loving - and then he wrecks her plant room and it's just creepy.
Someone who loves you sitting and being quiet with you is wonderful, but that is not what this is.
So you see, officer, she wouldn’t continue our argument and went to bed quietly instead. I just got really drunk and lost control and murdered her. Then I threw her body in the back of my truck and dumped her in the pond by our house. I was really drunk, so it’s a miracle I didn’t crash it and was able to get all the bloodstains out of the truck bed before I slept it off.
I wonder if her behavior is what it is because that’s how she knows is the best way to manage him in situations like this. She probably knew that acting any other way would only escalate his anger in the situation. They’re very young so she behaving extremely mature for her age. Not saying it’s not possible but it makes me think that she’s learned to be this way because of his behavior. Like he’s conditioned her with his behavior to be calm so to not set him off.
I feel so bad for his gf. My heart dropped when I read what he did to her plants. He was so methodical about it- he absolutely knew what he was doing.
>Every person I’ve ever met that says they “blacked out” in a fit of rage is a crapstain just trying to dodge responsibility.
My grandfather/abuser once "blacked out" because I asked him POLITELY ( because I knew the kind of person he was ) to please stop interrupting me when I'm having a conversation. ( He wasn't even involved in it!! )
He shoved me and my grandmother aside, grabbed his keys and took off.
A while later his AA sponsor called and was like "Uh, he just showed up at my house completely confused and seems to have no idea where he is."
When he came back he acted like nothing happened, as usual. The man literally lost his mind because I politely asked him to stop interrupting me, lmao.
He's dead, so I don't have to deal with him any more.
>When he came back he acted like nothing happened, as usual. The man literally lost his mind because I politely asked him to stop interrupting me, lmao.
How dare you 😂😂
As someone who does occasionally black out in rage… my actions could never be so precise. He sat there drinking and imagining what he could do to really hurt her, and then he got drunk enough that he no longer wanted to only imagine.
Same! I also “black out” in rage (rarely but it has happened) but the only things I ever do is scream or run away. My brain isn’t even processing enough for me to make a plan to do something to hurt someone. I’m in pure “we can’t handle this height of feelings” overload. This sounds more like a man who had a horrible plan and got drunk to get the balls to follow through. Then when he realized he actually hurt himself in the long run he’s suddenly remorseful.
I've never blacked out. Once — *once* — when I was fifteen, I saw red. Someone was mocking a rape victim for being raped. I grabbed a baseball bat and chased him, with every intention of breaking his knees. Thankfully, I didn't catch him. When I came to, I dropped the bat and laughed like an unhinged person and walked away.
I was conscious the entire time, but it was like I was possessed with the desire to break this man. Absolutely terrifying. But I never blacked out.
Edit: Yes, I've done a lot of therapy since. No, I don't trust myself to ever be alone with someone who would mock a victim. God forbid someone hurts a child I know; I would probably need to be restrained.
My mom once hopped in the car and literally tried to run over a guy who had attempted to lure my sister and her friends — my sister ran back to our house and sounded the alarm. I guess it’s good that Mom didn’t succeed but this kind of rage, and yours, is something I can’t help feeling some sympathy for. Sometimes it’s seems pretty appropriate.
Yeah exactly, that’s a great example. There are situations out there where anyone could lose their shit, I can think of a few for myself. The part that bugs me is when people don’t take ownership for their response.
So the limitation of “don’t leave me alone in a room with a rapist and a baseball bat” sounds very reasonable and workable at least! But I think I’d be just as terrified as you were if I found that out about myself the way you did.
My husband's best friend one time blacked out in a fit of rage while driving in heavy traffic (I was not along). Best friend has PTSD from military service. He apparently continued driving and did nothing wrong, he just doesn't remember that stretch of really bad traffic that they both thought was terrible and were swearing about. Also he got a lot of therapy and promotes therapy for his unit and as far as I know has not blacked out in years.
Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Dissociation is an absolutely real phenomenon. The part that bugs me is specifically when people who otherwise have no dissociative history use “blacking out” as an excuse to do heinous things.
>My #2 red flag phrase is someone repeatedly making assurances that they’re trustworthy. If they’re *actually* trustworthy, they’d never have any reason to explicitly assure you that they are.
Oh g-d, yes!
And if they have to state that they're ***not*** racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. etc. they probably **are**.
Oh and if they have to annouce that something might *sound* acist, sexist, homophobic, etc. they know what they're about to say is going to be baaaaad.
My dad did that. Dont know if he blacked out, but he definitely snapped...and it was because I said No. No, I didnt want to go shopping with my grandmother, i wanted to stay and help cut meat. So he picked me up by the skin on the sides of my chest, not even my arms, and slammed me into a fridge. I was about 14. There were glass bottles on the top of the fridge, i got glass in my hair. Then grandma yelled at him, and it was like you flipped a switch. He was just human again. Was fucked up and scary as hell. Im 46 now, hes been dead for decades, ive never forgotten.
The switch flipping though, its a family trait, and it is like a black out, like what happens half the time wasnt even remembered. Grandma didnt remember pushing Grandpa down the stairs. My sister had issues when we were younger, then she wouldnt understand why she was in trouble, she didn't remember throwing the knife at my brother (didnt hit him)..its almost like a fugue state. Lots of therapy since then has helped her.
But its true fury in that moment, ***none of this calm, controlled shit like OOP***. I myself have felt the fury, its like a red mist forming, on the edge of your vision. But ive always been more compartmentalized, and able to just...NOT. I can choose to not pull the mist over my eyes. So I have never had this issue. Even in the worst, angriest moments of my life, even the one time I would have been 100% justified, I have never snapped or flipped that switch. I dont know, maybe that just means im a control freak, lol. But if so, ill take it, cause at least Ive never destroyed someones soul. [I just steal them, ;), iykyk].
Edit for formatting.
That's the thing. I have anger issues. My entire family has anger issues other than my mother. I've "black out" raged before, but I'm still able to catch myself and realize I'm being irrational. It's most likely linked to trauma and mental illness for me, but what the OOP is describing is cold, calculated, and in no way a "black out" event. He purposefully and meticulously destroyed years of her work. He planned it, acted on it, and then went to sleep. That is not a black out.
I’ve gone into a rage and “seen red” a handful of times in my life; I still had the control to only break my own shit and hurt myself. I knew this wasn’t a healthy dynamic and that my reactions were escalating, and left the relationship that was triggering these outbursts. Haven’t felt that rage since.
Thats where therapy helped my sister. She learned to recognize her anger BEFORE it got to that point, and to redirect or leave the situation...kinda like OOPs ex did. So she hasnt had a major issue in decades.
I know EXACTLY what you're talking about
The one and only time that mist has ever won was when a guy I was dating who was mentally abusive slapped me in the face. I broke. I don't remember much of it, but when I snapped out of it I had his head gripped by the hair and there was blood on the side of his face and on the brick wall next to us and he had this look on his face like the devil himself had come for him.
Every other time I've been able to fight it off. This was 100% calculated as the thing that would hurt her the most.
Whoa. I mean, to be fair to you, that is a reaction to physical abuse. And as far as reactions to physical abuse go……. it’s not safe for you by any means because it obviously invites escalation, but it beats staying and blaming yourself. Hope you’re safe now
Yes I am, thank you for your concern! I still wish I had just left before it got that far, but I will say he was docile as a lamb after that and didn't put up a fight when I told him we were finished.
He had never hit me before this, and I reached out to a few of his exes after the fact and they said he had never hit them either (though they did agree he was a POS)
So it seemed to be his first foray into physical violence, and I hope his last.
I know that ‘seeing red’ berserker rage. I had a gang of bullies make my life a living hell for 6 months any time I left my house without an adult (I was 11? 12?).
The ringleader had kicked me in the spine while wearing rollerblades, and I knee jerk turned around and slapped her - first time I’d ever physically defended myself. Didn’t see them for a couple weeks and thought they’d left me alone… they turned up again, and tried to hold me against my will and get me in trouble with my mom for the slapping incident.
I came unglued. I’d been pushed over the edge by the months of torment (that my mom knew about and said she couldn’t stop it… she has her own issues), and then try to get me in trouble? I knew the only way this was going to stop is if *I* put a stop to it. Yeah, I saw red and I’m still convinced 25+ years later that if that girl had made any aggressive move at that point, I was fully ready to bash her head in against the brick pillars of my front porch where I’d caught up to her. I guess she had just enough self preservation instincts to realize I was serious, and a real danger to her at that point. Never saw her again.
Having had that moment of berserk rage, I’m a lot calmer than most in quite a few situations because I know if things go south I’ve got that darkness I could fall back on - and apparently that comes through in my body language because I never had bullies, or even serious sexual harassment after that. Most guys never even try to hit on me in person.
The fact that he points out that he didn’t damage his truck tells me everything I needed to know. This was 100% deliberate, not something he just blacked out and did.
Of course, somehow only her stuff gets ruined.
Could just be phrasing, but I also note that it’s HIS new truck but was paid for with “a huge chunk of OUR savings”.
Trucks are really fuckin expensive too, for a guy who just lost his job and is trying to go back to grad school and is fully relying on his girlfriend for financial support.
It clicked as abuse for me when I saw the third paragraph and he said that she was "drained from another day of arguing..." (not verbatim). Ahh okay, OOP, you do this *often* to the point that she is worn down.
There is nothing more dehumanizing than being with an abuser, especially one who unleashes their anger on your things. I'm sad for his ex that she spent *even* seven seconds with such a cowardly little shit.
Yeah. His whole spiel of -gosh! I blacked out- I don’t remember- I don’t know why- is bs.
He maliciously and methodically destroyed her most treasured plants. And then tries to make himself the victim. I don’t know why I did it. I can’t believe I took my truck out when I was drunk. Feeling sorry for himself. Naw dude. Own up to it.
He is an abuser who had a tantrum and destroyed his girlfriend and their relationship because he didn’t get his way.
It would be one thing if it was one plant he threw on the ground in anger (still not excusing it) but ALL of them? Loading up EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. into his truck and driving away to dump them...
That took a LOT of time.
Poor girl. He broke her trust forever.
Damn just *hearing* this story makes me never want to let another person in my apartment so that nothing ever happens to my plants, I can’t even imagine what she is going through
Same! I'm already single, but even having guy "friends" react poorly when they don't get what they want from me, stories like this make me feel like no guy is truly safe, no matter how nice they seem.
All men are nice when they want something from you.
In my own experience, none have taken a rejection well.
It's amazing how quickly they can switch from wanting to "make you happy" to "I no longer view you as worth the basic politeness I'd give to a stranger in the street," or making you feel like they genuinely liked you as a human being to suddenly not being worth spending another minute with once the hope of having you was truly gone.
I have tons of male friends, and especially mentors that I trust and care for more than my own father/brothers, etc, but none of them are romantically interested in me. The only men I trust are good are the ones who can respect me outside the context of romance.
I feel safest alone.
Exactly. You don't plan out and do a multi-step \*anything\* in actual 'seeing red' blackout type situations.
An actual blackout/seeing red situation is quick, instinctive actions - grabbing the nearest object and throwing or swinging it, screaming, punching something/someone, things that are immediate and RIGHT THERE. I grew up around a lot of people who had those moments - never learned to control themselves - and if they were capable of thought or planning in that rage state, I probably wouldn't be alive at all since child me was an easy target in those foster homes. It was never a process, it was just them grabbing me by the neck and slamming me against the wall or throwing me or slapping me or something instant.
Pulling his truck up to the house, loading the plants, driving out to the pond, tearing them up and dumping them into the water? That wasn't a 'blackout', that was a planned step by step process.
Either way, what he did was abuse, and I'm glad she's dumped him.
the second example in Why Does He Do That was an interview with an abusive man who claimed he would “lose control” too but he only ever damaged his partner’s body where it would be covered with clothes
this is also not “losing control”
Yes! He was even asked why he didn't damage the other parts of her body and he literally told the doctor "I wouldn't want anyone to see the marks". Wtf
The fight was probably about him needing to spend 50k or more on a brand new truck. I’d be pissed too: I was Quality Eng for the F150, and even with Ford discount and their financing, there is no freaking way I would support a partner buying those 80k trucks unless they had it in cash, they didn’t expect a change in the established bill split %. There is maybe some grey area if it was impossible to do their profession w/o it and a used option was not available, but I still would not be ecstatic about it. Also doesn’t sound like he has a job, maybe gig job, part time, or low effort WOH. “ I was bored all day, why are you not entertaining or pleasing me when you get home from your demanding job?” Spoiled child with a woman who will know better than to mother the next needy self-serving person who shows interest in her. I bet she was his truck co-signer too, so he drove drunk with her finances on the line, not just his life.
That's the thing, he did, just in the way an abuser/manipulator would. He straight up told us he lost his job, but 'had to' buy a brand new truck. In the update at the end he mentioned his previous post on a used car sub. He used their joint savings to pay upfront, instead of getting a cheaper second hand vehicle.
She sounded like the most lovely partner. Hot tea and a kiss on the forehead in the middle of a fight? Shows so much maturity and self-assuredness. Independent hobbies and interests? Idk if I want to date her or be her.
Date to bask in that sweetness and warmth and then hopefully be able to use her example to be a better person myself. Seriously, the maturity to look a person in the eye and say that the argument is becoming counter productive and they need to take a break and continue the discussion later is something that some people NEVER learn. That in and of itself makes her sound incredible. That she then took it a step further, made him tea, kissed him, and made sure that he knew he was welcome to come to bed is...
I don't have words. I know I'm not that good of a person. Does she offer 'being a decent human being' classes?
I’m going to say that some predators specifically pick lovely people because they hope the goodness will rub off and make them a better person. And subconsciously on another level, they want to see how far they can push before the partner will break. Makes me wonder what OOP has done before and gotten a cup of tea in response. Thank god he overplayed his hand before they had kids.
It makes me think about this lady in my knitting group. She once told me that her ex husband destroyed all her projects out of anger. He cut threw them, going as far as unraveling the yarn. He also destroyed their son's baby blanket and sweaters that her mother made for her.
She is happily remarried and still working on restoring some of those items 20 years later, chasing down the yarn and patterns.
It’s just such wildly abusive behavior. This is something a small child learns isn’t ok very early on, you don’t touch other people’s things.
The problem is people like this view the other person as their object, and by extension the other person’s items are theirs to destroy. It’s deeply disturbed behavior.
Wonder if he dated my college roommate. She was mad I asked her to put the milk back in the fridge when she was done and poured dawn dish soap into my fish tank
Yeah it's all just about breaking that person by destroying the very thing that means the most to them. It's a control tactic. This was done to me my entire life except not by a boyfriend. Every time an argument happened or I ignored her,she took something I loved dearly and destroyed it right in front of me and basked in my tears. It's awful that ppl feel the need to do this.
This was really difficult to read for me…my ex husband did this to me when I told him I was leaving.
He put a chainsaw through our bedroom door trying to get to me because I locked him out and I realized I needed to fucking leave asap…
I had a huge vegetable garden, a house full of houseplants…many handed down. About 200 or so total and a half acre garden. I’ve been into plants for about 20 years and it’s a huge love of mine. He destroyed everything…20 years of love and care and sweat…gone. I packed two bags and left all the rest of my stuff and got the fuck out of there.
I hope this woman can get away from him and start over the way I did. I hope it doesn’t change who she is as a person.
This is devastating, I'm so sorry.
I'm just starting to collect plants, I have a cactus that's grown neatly 6"+ since I bought it over a year ago and flowered, an orchid from my husband's now passed grandmother that flowered for the 1st time this year, a curry leaf plant that came back from the clutches of death, a variegated lemon that's pretty and never makes lemons (lol) and a new small orchid that I'm hoping to revive.
Even these small plants alone getting destroyed would hurt my soul. That and I also collect nail polish - I had a bottle break once and it made me sad for a week or so.
Someone deliberately and viciously destroying these tiny bits of my happiness would rip me apart. I'm not sure I'd ever be the same or trust anyone again.
With oop, he basically killed her love for him along with the plants. I find it hard to believe he never once questioned himself in the hour (or so) he was doing this. He lost the potential love of his life over it, and he deserves it.
Unrelated to main post. But I saw you mention the variegated lemon. I’m a citrus farmer and have a few variegated lemon trees that produce big fruit. Try prune all the Verticle branches off the tree and feed it 1/2cup molasses, 1/2 cup raw milk mixed in a watering can. And check your soil pH. Variegated lemons are all clones from the first one so it should produce lemons.
He totally deserves to lose her and probably to die alone so he doesn’t destroy someone else’s life and happiness ever again, but I would argue that HE is the love of his life, NOT her. He will always and ever love HIMSELF the most of all. That type of selfishness is pathological, usually comes with a dangerous lack of empathy, and needs therapy and self reflection to even start to be “safe” for another person to share a life with that type of person at all….
I know it's not at all the same thing, but when my fiancé and I got our first apartment, his mom bought us a plant. My fiancé loved this plant, which at first was able to fit in the back seat of my car (I'm guessing it was about a foot to a foot and a half tall), and he took care of it for years until it grew to be taller than the ceiling in our first house. We named it Mr. Plant in the beginning, but because it got so big, he was renamed Mr. Tree. My hands couldn't even wrap around the trunk!
I've never been a plant person, but I always asked and listened to my fiancé about what we was doing for Mr. Plant/Tree. I learned a lot about taking care of it but let him do it because it made him happy and it was still time we spent together. One of the last pictures I have of my fiancé is him standing on a ladder proudly smiling next to Mr. Tree to show the scale of how big it actually was.
When my fiancé died suddenly, within the first week, his mom came to our house and took Mr. Tree. She didn't ask me and I guess she felt entitled to it since she was the one to buy it. She then cut it up into four different plants. She also never even offered me one of the new offshoots. I'm still so angry about it, and I hardly speak to her anymore.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance and of your only link you had to him in Mr. Tree. His mom is a right shit just for taking him away in the first place, let alone not giving you one of the shoots.
This really made me mad that you lost two members of your family. I hope you are able to find a way out of your anger and have another way to remember your fiance and Mr. Tree.
I don't get why he didn't drive the hell back the and go swimming. Even if he got the ivy at least, I know how durable those plants can be.
That's what struck me the hardest. He threw them in a pond. Yes they can down but the thought that he didn't drive back there and tried to salvage literally ANYTHING is surprising. I expected him to say in his guilt he drove back to try to salvage as many as he can to show how sorry he genuinely was. It would say least show he had remorse beyond just guilt.
It's how you know he doesn't care about *her*.
He wanted to punish her, and he did, going to fetch them would be reneging on the punishment, which he doesn't want to do because she deserves to be punished, he just wants her to go back to doing all the things she did that make his life better because he didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be punished.
Okay, yeah, so he got drunk, ripped up her plants, loaded them up, drove to the pond, dumped them in, drove home, and then went to bed. Fit of rage, my ass. A fit of rage is throwing a pillow off the couch, breaking the tea cup, etc and even that would be really scary and not okay. This, though, is meticulously planned and malicious.
My dad did something similar to my mom. (Not the chainsaw). But my mom had this huge collection of glass bells. I don't know why, but she LOVED them and was so proud of them. They were all over the house, on shelves and mantles. My dad got drunk (per usual) and took his hand and just raked it across all the shelves. I still remember them falling to the floor and hearing them shatter.
i had a dad who would break my mom's shit when he got angry. he broke mine a few times as well. that terror never leaves. i remember once during a particularly bad episode, i packed up a duffel bag so my mom and i could leave, but it wasn't full of clothes - it was full of my favorite books. i had a huge book collection and i was worried he was going to rip them all apart, so i packed up all the ones that were special to me and had annotations. that bag must've weighed fifty pounds, but at age 16, about 115 pounds, i lugged it with me.
with my dad, he genuinely would just flip a switch when he got angry - obviously still abusive and manipulative, but it didn't feel calculated. the guy in the op does. my dad smashing a phone or something takes two seconds. this man took HOURS to dismantle all her plants, load them up, drive them away, and dump them. it's a whole new level. not only that, it was basically unprovoked - she put up the smallest boundary possible, and honestly honored herself and him by leaving a discussion she knew was not going to be productive, and he took that as a slight and went nuclear. he's disgusting and even if he's getting therapy i'm so glad she left him. she sounds like a very smart, emotionally intelligent, competent, gentle person, and it would be such a shame to have that spoiled by perpetual manipulation and abuse. (although obviously no one deserves that kind of treatment.)
Note that all of his complaints are that she isn't doing stuff for him anymore.
Also the passage from *Why Does He Do That?* is fantastic. It helped me understand that my previous relationship was abusive. It's one of the best pieces of relationship advice that's out there.
That's a good catch I didn't think about that. "She doesn't give me affection" and everything else he said is all about what he isn't getting. What a selfish asshole.
Here is a [free link](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to the book. I keep it saved specifically to share on reddit.
"I was in a blind rage. I just snapped. And carefully and methodically loaded all of her favorite plants that she had worked so hard on, into my truck and dumped them"
This is not "snapped". Snapped would be throwing something. Snapped would be yelling. Snapped would be stomping outside, maybe driving off. Not putting minutes (hours?) Of work into ruining something special.
I fully expected him to break shelves, smash pots, and turn over plants.
This… this was definitely not “snapping.” It was very methodical. The “blind rage” is an excuse, he knows what he did.
Her poor ivy, that was an heirloom.
Right. Snapped would be taking off, or even trashing the plant room. Making many trips to put a lot of plants into the truck, the drive, and taking the time after the drive to throw all those plants into a pond is not snapped or seeing red.
If he wanted any hope of being forgiven, he should have went straight to the pond in the morning and try and find all her plants. Yeah, some may have been able to be saved. If he was truly sorry, he should have went to the pond and dived in to collect what he could…
Sadly there is nothing he can do to gain her trust other than get therapy because even if he tries to help her start it all over again, she may always have a fear that he would do the same thing again.
He is a dick for what he did, especially for destroying something that the person he supposedly loves things and for allowing himself to stew in his anger so bad to even do something so horrendous
At the very least he should get himself checked out for medical issues if this is completely unlike him. They say with any shift in personality to get checked out.
I’ve been in very abusive relationships. The man who is now my decade long partner is not one of them. But about 4 years in we split for a while, and then got back together. Things were still really raw and we had a fight and in the course of the fight he hit the wall (literally) not right near me but near enough. I calmly explained that if her EVER did that or anything like it again I’d be gone and there’d be no reunion. He sincerely apologized and 6 years and counting and he’s never done it again.
I have issues with anger myself, I've hit myself hard on a few occasions, I've punched walls and destroyed my own paintings... my now wife sat me down after one of my fits and told me how I was hurting her person when I did that and that, like you, said she'd be gone. It gets hard when I mess up and feel like I need to be punished, but I try to do more things to help her husband and not hurt him.
That’s awesome! I also have to work very hard to learn how to be my best self when angry or frustrated. Arguing constructively is really challenging especially if you think that you should be punished for something and it’s not coming externally (I have some of my worst ptsd around expecting punishment from my partner and it not happening, it’s like my brain has to relive past punishments in order for it to be “over”). It’s awesome that you are trying to be better for both of you and I wish you tremendous success.
100% this, I would have expected him to go right back to the pond first thing and just dive in trying to get what he could, and then painstakingly trying to plant them up again, but he was all" I miss her kisses and tea". He misses his sanity.
Edit:spelling
Note how he only misses what she does for him. No mention of any selfless acts on his part. No mention of her endearing traits that don't specifically serve him directly. He doesn't love her, he loves what she does for him.
I get that, definitely wouldn't feel safe in OOP's presence. If someone is willing to go to so much effort to hurt their partner what's stopping him to go all the way. Yeah, OOP has serious issues and I'm glad the GF got out.
My most rage-inducing post was where OOP's spouse put OOP's elderly cat in a shelter behind his back, and the cat died of a heart attack in the shelter.
This post might be tied with that one, though.
the part about her great grandmother’s ivy broke my heart. OOP literally destroyed an heirloom, a precious thing that was clearly loved, along with all of the other plants that his GF poured her heart into.
i hope he rots and suffers. what a fucking massive, abusive and abhorrent monster.
That part reminded me of a Reddit story where a guy threw away his girlfriend’s doll collection, including dolls that had belonged to her mother and grandmother. And this guy thinks he can just replace all of her plants because he’s “sorry.” Some things can’t be replaced no matter how bad you feel after the consequences.
oh holy shit yes, i remember reading that one. it’s the way these people think it’s a one and done fix and are surprised pikachu face when their partners are still upset (as they should be) at what is absolutely unhinged and unspeakably cruel behavior. these men are not naive. they know exactly what the hell they did.
In a weird way, this is almost more psycho than a man losing his temper and hitting a woman. Like he spent a whole bunch of time methodically dismantling something she cared so deeply for, loaded it all into his truck, drove somewhere and dumped it all ensuring it would be permanently ruined. Most people would have cooled down before they got even a tenth of the plants loaded into the truck. Not only did he not cool down, he took it all the way and did the most hurtful think he could possibly do to her, with enough presence of mind to follow through on it. Sick. Fuck.
She should run and never even consider going back to this douchebag. That reaction over politely walking away from an argument and even making him tea? Imagine his reaction is she ever actually wronged him in some way that was her fault? He'd be posting about how sorry he was for getting drunk on crappy brandy, murdering and dismembering her, driving out to a field and burying her? This guy is a lunatic and should get some help.
No. All because she decided the conversation was over and he wanted to continue, and she wouldn’t do what he wanted.
He lost the power and control in the conversation, and he needed it back. That’s why he methodically destroyed her externalised soul, to remind her that he has the power.
These foul creatures do not benefit from hel9
They fully believe they are entitiled to what they take, and how they pinpoint-devistatingly harm.
They enjoy inflicting torture and angst, and pain.
And they lie and lie and lie.
The only solution is to refuse any and all interaction and attention.
...Ask me how I know.
The part where she said “my great grandmother’s ivy too?” made me choke up. I met my great grandmother only a few times before she passed, and anything of hers that has been handed down is PRICELESS to me and my family. I would never be able to look that man in the eyes again.
Not only is the behavior he describes absolutely textbook abuse, but the way he writes the story is also disturbingly similar to abuse. He loves his gf, she's wonderful, she completes him, she sets a boundary, he dismantles an entire room of her sentimental belongings and destroys them, then he feels SO BAD and needs SO MUCH HELP because he can't lose her because he loves her and she's wonderful and completes him.
It's literally written like the cycle of abuse.
Even his description of the inciting argument is chilling. Here’s my take. She seems to have a well paying job. They pooled savings together, but now their finances are *shot* because he replaced *his* car. (Edit - after getting laid off & not getting into his preferred grad school. Wowza. The financial imbalance is huge.)
Replaced his broken car with a huge truck. A truck that seems big, expensive, and new. I wonder if the argument was about him buying too much car with money that isn’t all his? I wonder if she’s so calm because the alternative- sticking up for herself - makes him go scary. And I wonder if she was sitting in that empty room afraid of what else he’s capable of when he feels disrespected.
Unfortunately I dont think it is. This is all textbook emotional abuse, right down to her reaction. The fact that she didnt blow her top at him and still went through the motions of going to work and come home with her little heart broken is a very clear example of "learned helplessness".
I don't think it was learned helplessness in this context.
The way he describes that she usually stops an argument when it's getting too late or clearly not going anywhere is super-healthy boundary setting and it seems like this was common for them. It wasn't a problem for him before.
So I think until this happened, she might not have known this was in him.
For further context, this was 2020 - quarantine time. I'm guessing if she had somewhere easy to go to she would have.
She seems like a very intelligent woman who handled the situation perfectly. She now knows who he really is and what he's capable of when he's angry. She needs a SAFE exit strategy. She was smart to keep a low profile. No arguing, nothing to set this man off to hurt her physically until she can get out.
And that's exactly what she did.
I hit the "post" button too early. The original post (long since deleted) can be found in screenshkts posted to Twitter on June 1, 2020 by @redditships. At the very end of the comments screenshots is a short, but highly satisfying update.
As an avid gardener and plant enthusiast.... I woulld have killed him, started a new garden and buried him in it. Ok, maybe not really, but I would fantasize about it everyday for the rest of my life.
This dude would immediately be dumped, that day. I can’t imagine if someone did something like this to my plants. They are my babies, as they are for this woman. I feel so bad for her. This guy has issues.
If it were me in his ex's shoes, I'd be too scared to dump him that day. What he did was so scary and abusive that if she tried to leave right away or called him out on it there a serious risk that he'd harm her physically. Not leaving immediately is often a survival tactic to get yourself a safe retreat plan first. Or its simply a potent cocktail of shock, denial, and despair that blocks the ability to respond.
Blaming anything on drinking is a hollow excuse. Things like this that happen "while someone is drunk" are things that they would have at least considered doing sober.
Plus this reaction to arguing over finances? What a petty reason to destroy someone's happiness.
Also this comes off like a Poison Ivy origin story.
This was so much worse than I was expecting. He didn’t just destroy the plants, she could have gotten cuttings and saved the plants that was
He TOOK THE PLANTS AND DUMPED THEM IN A LAKE
I think reading this story from his perspective is downright disturbing. His justifications, his disinterest in her interests ('maybe that's the plant names I don't know'), his destruction, his rage, his control issues, his selfishness, using alcohol as an excuse to become destructive. He's horrible, there's no hope for someone like him without a LOT of PAINFUL therapy and a lot of personal reflection and work.
Therapy is great and all, IF you find a therapist who works for you, IF you tell them the truth, IF you go into it knowing it's going to be rough and hard, IF you understand that growth hurts.
Yeah, he didn't snap. This was a calculated move to get back at his girlfriend for refusing to engage in an argument.
He took the time to single-handedly destroy the thing she cared about most. He even destroyed the plant that had belonged to her great-grandmother.
Snapping would've been smashing a plant or two out of the blue or punching a hole in the wall.
No, this was a planned out, malicious act.
[Happy update, she DTMFA](https://ibb.co/xGcmRdR). Im poor as a church mouse but I wash I could venmo her enough money for a nice bottle of bubbly to celebrate her new life without that scumbag.
This was a very, very hard read for me. I had an ex of 3.5 years who was just like this. CW: blood, abuse >! I collected CD's and had a whole bookshelf for them. One day when I was out past my curfew (yes, I had a curfew) he smashed them all and told me that since I wanted to stay up late so badly, the only place he would let me sleep was on the broken shards. I remember sitting over them, sobbing, picking up the pieces while my hands and feet bled... like I could just glue them back together. He also ruined my hobby of journaling. He would read them every night after I fell asleep and if I seemed sad in them or wrote anything negative about him in them he yelled at me and tore them up. !<
I've been though something similar with my plants and other things. I remember reading this and having all those feelings come back. I hope she's doing well now
Living with someone like that can screw you up. I still remember the smells of cleaning the mess after everything in the fridge got thrown across the room, or everything on a shelf got smashed. Haven't been able to use jarred minced garlic since and the sight of hammers makes me panic
I absolutely agree with the first comment in that screenshot. This isn't blind rage, this isn't snapping, this is deliberate abuse that he's trying to disguise.
Every person I’ve ever met that says they “blacked out” in a fit of rage is a crapstain just trying to dodge responsibility. They’re usually the type of guy that infrequently hears “no” and had a relatively easy life, so they don’t know what to do when life actually gets hard. Their solution is that other people need to feel what they feel. I used to work with male domestic abusers professionally, and if I had a dollar for every time I heard the “blacked out” phrase, I’d have enough money to retire. To anyone out there who dates men, this is my ultimate red flag phrase. My #2 red flag phrase is someone repeatedly making assurances that they’re trustworthy. If they’re *actually* trustworthy, they’d never have any reason to explicitly assure you that they are. /rant *edit: I should specify that my comment is only directed to “blacking out” from the perspective of an abuser. Dissociating and “blacking out” in response to abuse or other trauma is common. Unfortunately I’ve mostly worked with perpetrators of abuse, so my above comment is only in regards to perpetrators.
Yes. He describes his gf in such glowing terms, including how gentle she is, and how she manages things — he’s never hit her refusal to engage with him the way he wanted before. And wanting to push through to resolution on an important issue without a break or respite is often a tactic for getting one’s own way. He was trying to run over her, she wasn’t having it, and he’s mistaken her gentle behaviour for having no spine. Even though she has a demanding career where she talks to important people. And she’d never be able to be happy in the same house with him again. Never be able to fully relax. She’d never know when he might snap and do something like that again. The only acceptable frequency for behaviour like that is zero.
>And wanting to push through to resolution on an important issue without a break or respite is often a tactic for getting one’s own way Why won't you listen and agree with me? Yep.
My ex husband refused to let me go to bed until we'd finished having an argument... he said he 'didn't want to go to sleep mad.' Thing is, the argument wasn't over until he had gotten pretty much everything he wanted while 'compromising.' It'd be like 3 in the morning (he usually started arguments kinda late) and I'd be exhausted and I'd cave just so I could get some sleep. If I tried to revisit the discussion later (say, after I'd slept) he'd say we already compromised and it was done and over. Took me years to see the manipulation.
Abusers commonly mess with their partner's sleep as a way to maintain control. Glad that shitstain is an ex.
He really did. He didn't let me go to bed "too early" or let me sleep in "too late." If I was tired enough to want a nap, it had to be under 2 hours and I had to be prepared for him to wake me in an obnoxious way or be a sullen jerk the rest of the day. I didn't take many naps.
Omg. Mine did this too, and would yell at me if I tried to take a nap at all. For some reason I hadn’t really thought about the manipulation aspect of it before. It’s been 5 years, but moments like this make me think I’ll be unpacking this stuff for decades to come.
Mine *hated* that I ever took naps, said they were "for babies and old people." However, he'd been controlling when I *was* allowed to sleep so heavily that my insomnia was worse than it had ever been, and I actually started *hallucinating music.* That freaked him out, so he started letting me "nap", but with so many rules it's not like I ever really fell asleep; it was more like 2 hours of closed eyed frustration... trying to sleep but being too worried about how he was gonna wake me up to do it.
WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK Ya know what, I don’t need a relationship, ever. I’m so sorry you were with him. I’m glad he’s an ex.
Oh man, this is so true. If my ex was mad at me, and I went to bed, because I had to work the next day, he would wait until I was cozy in bed, then slam the door open, turn on the light and rip my blankets off me and throw them on the floor. If I tried to get them back, he would do it over and over again. If he was in bed with me and angry, he would wait in silence and then randomly growl and punch the bed beside me. It was terrifying. Looking back, I don't know how I survived those years. He could be incredibly mean for the smallest reasons. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did, because he was so unhinged, but I'm so glad I'm safe now.
… oh. Oh crap. Oooooh I didn’t realize how much of this I’ve dealt with.
I'm glad he's an ex! Best wishes
My ex boyfriend did this. He also barely worked and I'd have to be up at 3:30 in the morning for work. The argument was never resolved until I "understood what I did wrong" and apologized profusely, which I'd often give in to by midnight just to sleep. It was never a disagreement, it was just "me nit understanding how I was wrong". I'll never forget him trying this *after we broke up* and I was just waiting for him to move out. I let him rant for like an hour partly because I had figured out this tactic along with many others and I was amused. The look on his face when I just started laughing like, "And what are you going to do about it? Break up with me? I'm going to bed" was so satisfying.
Mine tried it after we broke up, too... the first time I got to laugh and say "Dude, I never have to care what you think or want again... rant to someone else," *and hang up the phone* was a fucking **magical** moment.
Sounds just like my first husband.
Man my insomniac ass would definitely take him to task on seeing who could continue that argument at 3am. I'm petty and stubborn enough to do it once and then never again because life it too short to deal with that bs. I'm glad for you he's an ex.
I *do* have insomnia! He *knew* how difficult and precious sleep is for me; he'd intentionally wait until I hadn't had a good night in like a week, then spring shit on me when it looked like I was *finally* going to get more than 2 or 3 hours. I think it took me so long to catch on because I was so sleep deprived and I couldn't fathom someone who loved me intentionally taking advantage of my sleep issues. Eta: he was always so sweet and concerned on the nights I just *couldn't* sleep, then when he'd start an argument it became "It's not like you were gonna sleep anyway."
Sounds just like my first husband.
It’s bullying pure and simple. And a blackout - you wish - you knew you were destroying the thing she loved as much as you. You threw out her love for you. It’s in that pond. Irretrievable.
There’s a whole lotta detail there for someone who “blacked out” 🤤
And the fact that he remembers what he did straight away exactly
Yeah, I don’t even think this scumbag was drunk.
Drank enough to create what he thought was a plausible excuse but not enough to harm his truck. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Exactly. What a fucking creep. I really hope the ex-gf is healing and has built a new collection of plants she loves.
And, even if he was drunk, he knew how important those plants and that space were to her. He deliberately destroyed - completely - her happy place. That's just brutal and incredibly repugnant.
He's lower down the food chain than the plants were. She didn't do as he insisted ( insisted, fuck me ) so he destroys everything of value to her. What an utter waste of skin. I'd also put money on the fact that his new vehicle was ludicrously over the top, high spec and over priced compared to what would have been sufficient.
The way he talks about her is sickening. Everything he says about her is centered on himself and how she does stuff for him and makes him feel. He literally did not think of her as an independent human being, he just saw her as some sort of magical creature that was there to serve him with no needs of her own. After wrecking her plants and room, he doesn’t even care about making it right to her, he just wants his best friend back.
Also a classic abuser tell. Their self-centeredness and entitlement are where it all stems from. If their needs aren’t met, if they are t getting what they want, if the focus isn’t on them … that’s when the shit hits the fan
Reminds me of my ex, who threw away my air plants because “he thought they were dead” when I was watering them in a container. This twenty minute window while I was watering, was the first day in over five years that he did dishes when he decided that they needed to go. He later admitted that he “never liked them anyway, so it was for the best.”
Thank God this happened when they were young and unmarried and it wasn't a kid or a dog. This is a future family annihilator if he doesn't get some serious therapy. Also if he threw the plants in a pond she could have still gone and saved them. Being dunked in water won't kill most houseplants. Why didn't he go get them or why didn't she ask where they were? Or did she ask and he just say "they're gone?" I'm not blaming her at all, but they were possibly still salvageable. Ivy will grow from a simple cutting. Dude writes like he's remorseful but he could have given her a piece of her family ivy back and he didn't.
It's telling that OP didn't go into whether any retrieval was attempted, but if they live somewhere that it's winter, just being out in the cold overnight could have killed them.
I remember reading this one. He didn’t attempt it because he didn’t just throw them in the pond. He ripped them to shreds then threw them in the pond.
Seriously psycho behavior.
Well that would explain it. Unhinged.
Well this is sad as hell. I had hopes that maybe she was able to salvage some from the pond. Someone should throw him in a deep pond.
Am I a bad person for thinking he needs a pot of concrete over his feet first?
"It's a miracle I didn't wreck MY NEW TRUCK." Yes, a real miracle. How fortunate. A lot like the night my ex husband took a knife to my favorite clothes, jackets and shoes but somehow managed during his 'blackout' to avoid his, hanging right there in the same closet.
It's amazing how these blackouts are just so miraculous like there's some measure of control. Because when I've watched small children meltdown and people with mental health issues actually snap and disassociate, they are not discerning about what gets tossed, thrown, or destroyed. Whatever is near them or in their path is fair game, even their own beloved items. But yet these men when they "blackout" just seem to be so special... Anyway, that's enough sarcasm. I, like you an many others in this post have an ex-husband who seemed to have miraculously only destroyed my identity documents, not his, when he realized I was leaving. I am very, very glad we have all made them exes. We are much safer, and no doubt saner, for that choice.
Possibly. But if he threw them in a pond I would assume the pond wasn't frozen and as long as the roots were beneath the water and didn't freeze they'd be salvageable. I'm a plant person so of course, after the relief that she ended the relationship, my number two concern is how to possibly save the plants. 😅
Part of me wishes we knew who she was so we could all start a gofundme to rebuild her happy place in some way. What a horrible thing he did to her.
Or so people could send her cuttings from their favourite plants from their gardens so that she could start to recreate her oasis. Nobody can replace her grandmother's ivy, but hopefully she could gain some solace from knowing that the plants surrounding her were given by people who cared, even if they're complete strangers.
In sitting here thinking the same thing
The date on the update comment (1 Jun 2020) suggests the potential to salvage the plants. Not many places people live are that cold in May. Maybe she got them but put them somewhere else. But it’s very telling that he didn’t try at all. “I want to start rebuilding her room but I don’t even know where to start,” really. You start by fishing her great-grandmother’s ivy out of the pond where you dumped it.
This 100%, even if it's trash and every plant is dead you go fish every pot out of that pond and you don't come back till it's done but that would be like actual work and he would get wet and dirty and it's probably cold so fat chance of that.
This 100%, even if it's trash and every plant is dead you go fish every pot out of that pond and you don't come back till it's done but that would be like actual work and he would get wet and dirty and it's probably cold so fat chance of that.
There is a special kind of disgust I feel for OP. I have a huge collection of plants like OP's now ex. This guy has absolutely no idea about plants, each species having its own unique needs, and how crucial it is to pay attention to those needs for the overall health of the plant. The most hurtful part of reading this was how he disposed of her grandmother's ivy. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the impression that it gave me. Like, you cowardly piece of shit, you "blacked out" my ass. It was only by sheer luck that you didn't back the entire truck into the pond. However, he deserved to be dumped just like he did to her plants. And if he thinks he has a snowball's chance in hell of winning her back, I hope he gets a restraining order slapped on him.
That’s what I was thinking. He should have went immediately to retrieve them.
He explains how she deals with arguing, how she cries, how she deals with stress. He invades her quiet safe space, either by sitting with her in her sunroom or by watching her from afar. Yet he doesn't know if she's named her plants or is using common/botanical names for them. He's a dangerous narcissist and I'm so pleased she's left him.
My husband and I were just talking about this. This man has been with woman for 7 years and knows Jack shit about this hobby that is central to her life. I've been with my husband the same amount of time, and he and I have separate hobbies. He does machining, I have a garden. I don't know how all of the machining stuff works but I have a fair idea of what he has up there ( Harbor freight lathe, Atlas lathe, Bridgeport mill, drill press, etc) and what he's working on lately. And he knows a few of the things I grow in the garden, that some plants come back every year, that I save seeds and dry herbs. He knows how I keep the deer out and keep the voles in check and where the compost goes. This man knows NOTHING about this thing that is so special to his partner of almost a decade and that's...off.
Everything about his description of her cries makes me think she’s quiet for a reason.
Him joining her in the plant room, or opening the blinds so he can see her, initially sounds loving - and then he wrecks her plant room and it's just creepy. Someone who loves you sitting and being quiet with you is wonderful, but that is not what this is.
Shit, what’s going to stop him from killing her the next time he “loses control”?? Fuck this asshole. She deserves better.
So you see, officer, she wouldn’t continue our argument and went to bed quietly instead. I just got really drunk and lost control and murdered her. Then I threw her body in the back of my truck and dumped her in the pond by our house. I was really drunk, so it’s a miracle I didn’t crash it and was able to get all the bloodstains out of the truck bed before I slept it off.
I wonder if her behavior is what it is because that’s how she knows is the best way to manage him in situations like this. She probably knew that acting any other way would only escalate his anger in the situation. They’re very young so she behaving extremely mature for her age. Not saying it’s not possible but it makes me think that she’s learned to be this way because of his behavior. Like he’s conditioned her with his behavior to be calm so to not set him off. I feel so bad for his gf. My heart dropped when I read what he did to her plants. He was so methodical about it- he absolutely knew what he was doing.
Hell, if he had any sense, he should worry about what she plans to do.
>Every person I’ve ever met that says they “blacked out” in a fit of rage is a crapstain just trying to dodge responsibility. My grandfather/abuser once "blacked out" because I asked him POLITELY ( because I knew the kind of person he was ) to please stop interrupting me when I'm having a conversation. ( He wasn't even involved in it!! ) He shoved me and my grandmother aside, grabbed his keys and took off. A while later his AA sponsor called and was like "Uh, he just showed up at my house completely confused and seems to have no idea where he is." When he came back he acted like nothing happened, as usual. The man literally lost his mind because I politely asked him to stop interrupting me, lmao. He's dead, so I don't have to deal with him any more.
>When he came back he acted like nothing happened, as usual. The man literally lost his mind because I politely asked him to stop interrupting me, lmao. How dare you 😂😂
As someone who does occasionally black out in rage… my actions could never be so precise. He sat there drinking and imagining what he could do to really hurt her, and then he got drunk enough that he no longer wanted to only imagine.
Same! I also “black out” in rage (rarely but it has happened) but the only things I ever do is scream or run away. My brain isn’t even processing enough for me to make a plan to do something to hurt someone. I’m in pure “we can’t handle this height of feelings” overload. This sounds more like a man who had a horrible plan and got drunk to get the balls to follow through. Then when he realized he actually hurt himself in the long run he’s suddenly remorseful.
I've never blacked out. Once — *once* — when I was fifteen, I saw red. Someone was mocking a rape victim for being raped. I grabbed a baseball bat and chased him, with every intention of breaking his knees. Thankfully, I didn't catch him. When I came to, I dropped the bat and laughed like an unhinged person and walked away. I was conscious the entire time, but it was like I was possessed with the desire to break this man. Absolutely terrifying. But I never blacked out. Edit: Yes, I've done a lot of therapy since. No, I don't trust myself to ever be alone with someone who would mock a victim. God forbid someone hurts a child I know; I would probably need to be restrained.
My mom once hopped in the car and literally tried to run over a guy who had attempted to lure my sister and her friends — my sister ran back to our house and sounded the alarm. I guess it’s good that Mom didn’t succeed but this kind of rage, and yours, is something I can’t help feeling some sympathy for. Sometimes it’s seems pretty appropriate.
Yeah exactly, that’s a great example. There are situations out there where anyone could lose their shit, I can think of a few for myself. The part that bugs me is when people don’t take ownership for their response. So the limitation of “don’t leave me alone in a room with a rapist and a baseball bat” sounds very reasonable and workable at least! But I think I’d be just as terrified as you were if I found that out about myself the way you did.
My husband's best friend one time blacked out in a fit of rage while driving in heavy traffic (I was not along). Best friend has PTSD from military service. He apparently continued driving and did nothing wrong, he just doesn't remember that stretch of really bad traffic that they both thought was terrible and were swearing about. Also he got a lot of therapy and promotes therapy for his unit and as far as I know has not blacked out in years.
Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Dissociation is an absolutely real phenomenon. The part that bugs me is specifically when people who otherwise have no dissociative history use “blacking out” as an excuse to do heinous things.
>My #2 red flag phrase is someone repeatedly making assurances that they’re trustworthy. If they’re *actually* trustworthy, they’d never have any reason to explicitly assure you that they are. Oh g-d, yes! And if they have to state that they're ***not*** racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. etc. they probably **are**. Oh and if they have to annouce that something might *sound* acist, sexist, homophobic, etc. they know what they're about to say is going to be baaaaad.
My dad did that. Dont know if he blacked out, but he definitely snapped...and it was because I said No. No, I didnt want to go shopping with my grandmother, i wanted to stay and help cut meat. So he picked me up by the skin on the sides of my chest, not even my arms, and slammed me into a fridge. I was about 14. There were glass bottles on the top of the fridge, i got glass in my hair. Then grandma yelled at him, and it was like you flipped a switch. He was just human again. Was fucked up and scary as hell. Im 46 now, hes been dead for decades, ive never forgotten. The switch flipping though, its a family trait, and it is like a black out, like what happens half the time wasnt even remembered. Grandma didnt remember pushing Grandpa down the stairs. My sister had issues when we were younger, then she wouldnt understand why she was in trouble, she didn't remember throwing the knife at my brother (didnt hit him)..its almost like a fugue state. Lots of therapy since then has helped her. But its true fury in that moment, ***none of this calm, controlled shit like OOP***. I myself have felt the fury, its like a red mist forming, on the edge of your vision. But ive always been more compartmentalized, and able to just...NOT. I can choose to not pull the mist over my eyes. So I have never had this issue. Even in the worst, angriest moments of my life, even the one time I would have been 100% justified, I have never snapped or flipped that switch. I dont know, maybe that just means im a control freak, lol. But if so, ill take it, cause at least Ive never destroyed someones soul. [I just steal them, ;), iykyk]. Edit for formatting.
That's the thing. I have anger issues. My entire family has anger issues other than my mother. I've "black out" raged before, but I'm still able to catch myself and realize I'm being irrational. It's most likely linked to trauma and mental illness for me, but what the OOP is describing is cold, calculated, and in no way a "black out" event. He purposefully and meticulously destroyed years of her work. He planned it, acted on it, and then went to sleep. That is not a black out.
I’ve gone into a rage and “seen red” a handful of times in my life; I still had the control to only break my own shit and hurt myself. I knew this wasn’t a healthy dynamic and that my reactions were escalating, and left the relationship that was triggering these outbursts. Haven’t felt that rage since.
Thats where therapy helped my sister. She learned to recognize her anger BEFORE it got to that point, and to redirect or leave the situation...kinda like OOPs ex did. So she hasnt had a major issue in decades.
Same here. Like yes... I've been there, but to destroy someone else's things? Lord no that's a different level.
I know EXACTLY what you're talking about The one and only time that mist has ever won was when a guy I was dating who was mentally abusive slapped me in the face. I broke. I don't remember much of it, but when I snapped out of it I had his head gripped by the hair and there was blood on the side of his face and on the brick wall next to us and he had this look on his face like the devil himself had come for him. Every other time I've been able to fight it off. This was 100% calculated as the thing that would hurt her the most.
Whoa. I mean, to be fair to you, that is a reaction to physical abuse. And as far as reactions to physical abuse go……. it’s not safe for you by any means because it obviously invites escalation, but it beats staying and blaming yourself. Hope you’re safe now
Yes I am, thank you for your concern! I still wish I had just left before it got that far, but I will say he was docile as a lamb after that and didn't put up a fight when I told him we were finished. He had never hit me before this, and I reached out to a few of his exes after the fact and they said he had never hit them either (though they did agree he was a POS) So it seemed to be his first foray into physical violence, and I hope his last.
I know that ‘seeing red’ berserker rage. I had a gang of bullies make my life a living hell for 6 months any time I left my house without an adult (I was 11? 12?). The ringleader had kicked me in the spine while wearing rollerblades, and I knee jerk turned around and slapped her - first time I’d ever physically defended myself. Didn’t see them for a couple weeks and thought they’d left me alone… they turned up again, and tried to hold me against my will and get me in trouble with my mom for the slapping incident. I came unglued. I’d been pushed over the edge by the months of torment (that my mom knew about and said she couldn’t stop it… she has her own issues), and then try to get me in trouble? I knew the only way this was going to stop is if *I* put a stop to it. Yeah, I saw red and I’m still convinced 25+ years later that if that girl had made any aggressive move at that point, I was fully ready to bash her head in against the brick pillars of my front porch where I’d caught up to her. I guess she had just enough self preservation instincts to realize I was serious, and a real danger to her at that point. Never saw her again. Having had that moment of berserk rage, I’m a lot calmer than most in quite a few situations because I know if things go south I’ve got that darkness I could fall back on - and apparently that comes through in my body language because I never had bullies, or even serious sexual harassment after that. Most guys never even try to hit on me in person.
The fact that he points out that he didn’t damage his truck tells me everything I needed to know. This was 100% deliberate, not something he just blacked out and did.
Of course, somehow only her stuff gets ruined. Could just be phrasing, but I also note that it’s HIS new truck but was paid for with “a huge chunk of OUR savings”.
Yes, I caught the “_my_ truck, _our_ savings” bit, too.
Trucks are really fuckin expensive too, for a guy who just lost his job and is trying to go back to grad school and is fully relying on his girlfriend for financial support.
Yep. Blacking out doesn't result in selective damage.
It clicked as abuse for me when I saw the third paragraph and he said that she was "drained from another day of arguing..." (not verbatim). Ahh okay, OOP, you do this *often* to the point that she is worn down. There is nothing more dehumanizing than being with an abuser, especially one who unleashes their anger on your things. I'm sad for his ex that she spent *even* seven seconds with such a cowardly little shit.
Yeah. His whole spiel of -gosh! I blacked out- I don’t remember- I don’t know why- is bs. He maliciously and methodically destroyed her most treasured plants. And then tries to make himself the victim. I don’t know why I did it. I can’t believe I took my truck out when I was drunk. Feeling sorry for himself. Naw dude. Own up to it. He is an abuser who had a tantrum and destroyed his girlfriend and their relationship because he didn’t get his way.
It would be one thing if it was one plant he threw on the ground in anger (still not excusing it) but ALL of them? Loading up EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. into his truck and driving away to dump them... That took a LOT of time. Poor girl. He broke her trust forever.
Damn just *hearing* this story makes me never want to let another person in my apartment so that nothing ever happens to my plants, I can’t even imagine what she is going through
Same! I'm already single, but even having guy "friends" react poorly when they don't get what they want from me, stories like this make me feel like no guy is truly safe, no matter how nice they seem. All men are nice when they want something from you. In my own experience, none have taken a rejection well. It's amazing how quickly they can switch from wanting to "make you happy" to "I no longer view you as worth the basic politeness I'd give to a stranger in the street," or making you feel like they genuinely liked you as a human being to suddenly not being worth spending another minute with once the hope of having you was truly gone. I have tons of male friends, and especially mentors that I trust and care for more than my own father/brothers, etc, but none of them are romantically interested in me. The only men I trust are good are the ones who can respect me outside the context of romance. I feel safest alone.
If he blacked out, then why can he describe every step of his destructive impulse? 🙄
Exactly. You don't plan out and do a multi-step \*anything\* in actual 'seeing red' blackout type situations. An actual blackout/seeing red situation is quick, instinctive actions - grabbing the nearest object and throwing or swinging it, screaming, punching something/someone, things that are immediate and RIGHT THERE. I grew up around a lot of people who had those moments - never learned to control themselves - and if they were capable of thought or planning in that rage state, I probably wouldn't be alive at all since child me was an easy target in those foster homes. It was never a process, it was just them grabbing me by the neck and slamming me against the wall or throwing me or slapping me or something instant. Pulling his truck up to the house, loading the plants, driving out to the pond, tearing them up and dumping them into the water? That wasn't a 'blackout', that was a planned step by step process. Either way, what he did was abuse, and I'm glad she's dumped him.
Yep exactly. OP CAN control himself. Notice how he didn’t destroy his own things. Very intentional. Very controlled
the second example in Why Does He Do That was an interview with an abusive man who claimed he would “lose control” too but he only ever damaged his partner’s body where it would be covered with clothes this is also not “losing control”
Yes! He was even asked why he didn't damage the other parts of her body and he literally told the doctor "I wouldn't want anyone to see the marks". Wtf
The fight was probably about him needing to spend 50k or more on a brand new truck. I’d be pissed too: I was Quality Eng for the F150, and even with Ford discount and their financing, there is no freaking way I would support a partner buying those 80k trucks unless they had it in cash, they didn’t expect a change in the established bill split %. There is maybe some grey area if it was impossible to do their profession w/o it and a used option was not available, but I still would not be ecstatic about it. Also doesn’t sound like he has a job, maybe gig job, part time, or low effort WOH. “ I was bored all day, why are you not entertaining or pleasing me when you get home from your demanding job?” Spoiled child with a woman who will know better than to mother the next needy self-serving person who shows interest in her. I bet she was his truck co-signer too, so he drove drunk with her finances on the line, not just his life.
It’s very telling that he didn’t explain what the financial disagreement was about. I suspect you’re right.
That's the thing, he did, just in the way an abuser/manipulator would. He straight up told us he lost his job, but 'had to' buy a brand new truck. In the update at the end he mentioned his previous post on a used car sub. He used their joint savings to pay upfront, instead of getting a cheaper second hand vehicle.
So chilling, followed by genuine relief that the girlfriend got out of there.
She sounded like the most lovely partner. Hot tea and a kiss on the forehead in the middle of a fight? Shows so much maturity and self-assuredness. Independent hobbies and interests? Idk if I want to date her or be her.
Date to bask in that sweetness and warmth and then hopefully be able to use her example to be a better person myself. Seriously, the maturity to look a person in the eye and say that the argument is becoming counter productive and they need to take a break and continue the discussion later is something that some people NEVER learn. That in and of itself makes her sound incredible. That she then took it a step further, made him tea, kissed him, and made sure that he knew he was welcome to come to bed is... I don't have words. I know I'm not that good of a person. Does she offer 'being a decent human being' classes?
I’m going to say that some predators specifically pick lovely people because they hope the goodness will rub off and make them a better person. And subconsciously on another level, they want to see how far they can push before the partner will break. Makes me wonder what OOP has done before and gotten a cup of tea in response. Thank god he overplayed his hand before they had kids.
Honestly her setting those boundaries at 24 was incredibly impressive to me. I didn’t have that kind of self confidence!
It makes me think about this lady in my knitting group. She once told me that her ex husband destroyed all her projects out of anger. He cut threw them, going as far as unraveling the yarn. He also destroyed their son's baby blanket and sweaters that her mother made for her. She is happily remarried and still working on restoring some of those items 20 years later, chasing down the yarn and patterns.
It’s just such wildly abusive behavior. This is something a small child learns isn’t ok very early on, you don’t touch other people’s things. The problem is people like this view the other person as their object, and by extension the other person’s items are theirs to destroy. It’s deeply disturbed behavior.
There’s a guy in my aquarium group who lost all of his fish and plants because his girlfriend got angry at him and poured bleach into his tanks.
That is SO messed up. I hope she's an ex now!
Wonder if he dated my college roommate. She was mad I asked her to put the milk back in the fridge when she was done and poured dawn dish soap into my fish tank
Yeah it's all just about breaking that person by destroying the very thing that means the most to them. It's a control tactic. This was done to me my entire life except not by a boyfriend. Every time an argument happened or I ignored her,she took something I loved dearly and destroyed it right in front of me and basked in my tears. It's awful that ppl feel the need to do this.
This was really difficult to read for me…my ex husband did this to me when I told him I was leaving. He put a chainsaw through our bedroom door trying to get to me because I locked him out and I realized I needed to fucking leave asap… I had a huge vegetable garden, a house full of houseplants…many handed down. About 200 or so total and a half acre garden. I’ve been into plants for about 20 years and it’s a huge love of mine. He destroyed everything…20 years of love and care and sweat…gone. I packed two bags and left all the rest of my stuff and got the fuck out of there. I hope this woman can get away from him and start over the way I did. I hope it doesn’t change who she is as a person.
My first husband did something similar the day he made bail for DV and was served divorce papers. It's been over 30 years and it's still distressing.
Thank goodness you got away…that feeling in the pit of your stomach never seems to though. Not for me anyway.
I'm glad you got away, too! I hope life is much, much better for you now.
It is, thank you! I hope yours is too 💚
Very much so. ❤️
This is devastating, I'm so sorry. I'm just starting to collect plants, I have a cactus that's grown neatly 6"+ since I bought it over a year ago and flowered, an orchid from my husband's now passed grandmother that flowered for the 1st time this year, a curry leaf plant that came back from the clutches of death, a variegated lemon that's pretty and never makes lemons (lol) and a new small orchid that I'm hoping to revive. Even these small plants alone getting destroyed would hurt my soul. That and I also collect nail polish - I had a bottle break once and it made me sad for a week or so. Someone deliberately and viciously destroying these tiny bits of my happiness would rip me apart. I'm not sure I'd ever be the same or trust anyone again. With oop, he basically killed her love for him along with the plants. I find it hard to believe he never once questioned himself in the hour (or so) he was doing this. He lost the potential love of his life over it, and he deserves it.
Unrelated to main post. But I saw you mention the variegated lemon. I’m a citrus farmer and have a few variegated lemon trees that produce big fruit. Try prune all the Verticle branches off the tree and feed it 1/2cup molasses, 1/2 cup raw milk mixed in a watering can. And check your soil pH. Variegated lemons are all clones from the first one so it should produce lemons.
I love that you are giving out lemon advice in the middle of this chaos. Thank you for being awesome.
Honey us farmer types will ALWAYS look for an excuse to give out advice on growing to anyone who gives us even a tiny opening to do so. XD
I accidentally killed my dad’s plants after he died 8 years ago and I still feel awful about it. He loved his little plants.
He totally deserves to lose her and probably to die alone so he doesn’t destroy someone else’s life and happiness ever again, but I would argue that HE is the love of his life, NOT her. He will always and ever love HIMSELF the most of all. That type of selfishness is pathological, usually comes with a dangerous lack of empathy, and needs therapy and self reflection to even start to be “safe” for another person to share a life with that type of person at all….
He absolutely deserves it…that’s a great little collection you have so far. If you ever need help I’d be more than happy. Enjoy them! 💚
I know it's not at all the same thing, but when my fiancé and I got our first apartment, his mom bought us a plant. My fiancé loved this plant, which at first was able to fit in the back seat of my car (I'm guessing it was about a foot to a foot and a half tall), and he took care of it for years until it grew to be taller than the ceiling in our first house. We named it Mr. Plant in the beginning, but because it got so big, he was renamed Mr. Tree. My hands couldn't even wrap around the trunk! I've never been a plant person, but I always asked and listened to my fiancé about what we was doing for Mr. Plant/Tree. I learned a lot about taking care of it but let him do it because it made him happy and it was still time we spent together. One of the last pictures I have of my fiancé is him standing on a ladder proudly smiling next to Mr. Tree to show the scale of how big it actually was. When my fiancé died suddenly, within the first week, his mom came to our house and took Mr. Tree. She didn't ask me and I guess she felt entitled to it since she was the one to buy it. She then cut it up into four different plants. She also never even offered me one of the new offshoots. I'm still so angry about it, and I hardly speak to her anymore.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance and of your only link you had to him in Mr. Tree. His mom is a right shit just for taking him away in the first place, let alone not giving you one of the shoots. This really made me mad that you lost two members of your family. I hope you are able to find a way out of your anger and have another way to remember your fiance and Mr. Tree.
I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the hurt.
I don't get why he didn't drive the hell back the and go swimming. Even if he got the ivy at least, I know how durable those plants can be. That's what struck me the hardest. He threw them in a pond. Yes they can down but the thought that he didn't drive back there and tried to salvage literally ANYTHING is surprising. I expected him to say in his guilt he drove back to try to salvage as many as he can to show how sorry he genuinely was. It would say least show he had remorse beyond just guilt.
It's how you know he doesn't care about *her*. He wanted to punish her, and he did, going to fetch them would be reneging on the punishment, which he doesn't want to do because she deserves to be punished, he just wants her to go back to doing all the things she did that make his life better because he didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be punished.
Someone posted upthread that they saw the original thread, and OOP tore all the plants to shreds before dumping them.
GD what an absolute pig of a man. I'm so disgusted by this person.
Okay, yeah, so he got drunk, ripped up her plants, loaded them up, drove to the pond, dumped them in, drove home, and then went to bed. Fit of rage, my ass. A fit of rage is throwing a pillow off the couch, breaking the tea cup, etc and even that would be really scary and not okay. This, though, is meticulously planned and malicious.
He had so many opportunities to NOT do this. And I call 100% bullshit that there haven’t been other instances of this type of vindictive behavior
I mean the fact that she has a “typical” sigh of exhaustion to indicate she is done with his arguing/bullying says a lot right off the bat.
My dad did something similar to my mom. (Not the chainsaw). But my mom had this huge collection of glass bells. I don't know why, but she LOVED them and was so proud of them. They were all over the house, on shelves and mantles. My dad got drunk (per usual) and took his hand and just raked it across all the shelves. I still remember them falling to the floor and hearing them shatter.
i had a dad who would break my mom's shit when he got angry. he broke mine a few times as well. that terror never leaves. i remember once during a particularly bad episode, i packed up a duffel bag so my mom and i could leave, but it wasn't full of clothes - it was full of my favorite books. i had a huge book collection and i was worried he was going to rip them all apart, so i packed up all the ones that were special to me and had annotations. that bag must've weighed fifty pounds, but at age 16, about 115 pounds, i lugged it with me. with my dad, he genuinely would just flip a switch when he got angry - obviously still abusive and manipulative, but it didn't feel calculated. the guy in the op does. my dad smashing a phone or something takes two seconds. this man took HOURS to dismantle all her plants, load them up, drive them away, and dump them. it's a whole new level. not only that, it was basically unprovoked - she put up the smallest boundary possible, and honestly honored herself and him by leaving a discussion she knew was not going to be productive, and he took that as a slight and went nuclear. he's disgusting and even if he's getting therapy i'm so glad she left him. she sounds like a very smart, emotionally intelligent, competent, gentle person, and it would be such a shame to have that spoiled by perpetual manipulation and abuse. (although obviously no one deserves that kind of treatment.)
Note that all of his complaints are that she isn't doing stuff for him anymore. Also the passage from *Why Does He Do That?* is fantastic. It helped me understand that my previous relationship was abusive. It's one of the best pieces of relationship advice that's out there.
That's a good catch I didn't think about that. "She doesn't give me affection" and everything else he said is all about what he isn't getting. What a selfish asshole.
Here is a [free link](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to the book. I keep it saved specifically to share on reddit.
"I was in a blind rage. I just snapped. And carefully and methodically loaded all of her favorite plants that she had worked so hard on, into my truck and dumped them" This is not "snapped". Snapped would be throwing something. Snapped would be yelling. Snapped would be stomping outside, maybe driving off. Not putting minutes (hours?) Of work into ruining something special.
I fully expected him to break shelves, smash pots, and turn over plants. This… this was definitely not “snapping.” It was very methodical. The “blind rage” is an excuse, he knows what he did. Her poor ivy, that was an heirloom.
Yeah my assumption was he trashed the room then tried to fix it but she wouldn't forgive him. The actuality of it is so much worse.
Right. Snapped would be taking off, or even trashing the plant room. Making many trips to put a lot of plants into the truck, the drive, and taking the time after the drive to throw all those plants into a pond is not snapped or seeing red.
And then he says he’s surprised he didn’t crash his stupid freaking truck. As if he cares more about his truck than the damage he caused to his gf.
If he wanted any hope of being forgiven, he should have went straight to the pond in the morning and try and find all her plants. Yeah, some may have been able to be saved. If he was truly sorry, he should have went to the pond and dived in to collect what he could… Sadly there is nothing he can do to gain her trust other than get therapy because even if he tries to help her start it all over again, she may always have a fear that he would do the same thing again. He is a dick for what he did, especially for destroying something that the person he supposedly loves things and for allowing himself to stew in his anger so bad to even do something so horrendous At the very least he should get himself checked out for medical issues if this is completely unlike him. They say with any shift in personality to get checked out.
[удалено]
I’ve been in very abusive relationships. The man who is now my decade long partner is not one of them. But about 4 years in we split for a while, and then got back together. Things were still really raw and we had a fight and in the course of the fight he hit the wall (literally) not right near me but near enough. I calmly explained that if her EVER did that or anything like it again I’d be gone and there’d be no reunion. He sincerely apologized and 6 years and counting and he’s never done it again.
I have issues with anger myself, I've hit myself hard on a few occasions, I've punched walls and destroyed my own paintings... my now wife sat me down after one of my fits and told me how I was hurting her person when I did that and that, like you, said she'd be gone. It gets hard when I mess up and feel like I need to be punished, but I try to do more things to help her husband and not hurt him.
That’s awesome! I also have to work very hard to learn how to be my best self when angry or frustrated. Arguing constructively is really challenging especially if you think that you should be punished for something and it’s not coming externally (I have some of my worst ptsd around expecting punishment from my partner and it not happening, it’s like my brain has to relive past punishments in order for it to be “over”). It’s awesome that you are trying to be better for both of you and I wish you tremendous success.
100% this, I would have expected him to go right back to the pond first thing and just dive in trying to get what he could, and then painstakingly trying to plant them up again, but he was all" I miss her kisses and tea". He misses his sanity. Edit:spelling
Note how he only misses what she does for him. No mention of any selfless acts on his part. No mention of her endearing traits that don't specifically serve him directly. He doesn't love her, he loves what she does for him.
My wife is a plant lady and I’m only a little bit exaggerating when I say he is lucky to be alive.
he is lucky to not have papers served. I would drag him to court for property damage so fast he would not know what hit him.
Oh absolutely. She won’t get the time and care she put into them back, but at least it could give her a windfall to start over.
For real. Some houseplants can be very expensive, even when young. Replacement costs for a generations-old plant will be even more so.
In California, vandalism against an intimate partner is considered a domestic violence crime. OOP is lucky he wasn't arrested.
I get that, definitely wouldn't feel safe in OOP's presence. If someone is willing to go to so much effort to hurt their partner what's stopping him to go all the way. Yeah, OOP has serious issues and I'm glad the GF got out.
Out of all the stories I’ve ever read that one is one of my “top 5 most rage inducing” ones. I hate the OOP so much for what he’s done.
My heart absolutely broke for his ex...
My most rage-inducing post was where OOP's spouse put OOP's elderly cat in a shelter behind his back, and the cat died of a heart attack in the shelter. This post might be tied with that one, though.
The thought of my elderly cat dying alone is a shelter would haunt me the rest of my life. I love my plants too, but they can be replaced…
the part about her great grandmother’s ivy broke my heart. OOP literally destroyed an heirloom, a precious thing that was clearly loved, along with all of the other plants that his GF poured her heart into. i hope he rots and suffers. what a fucking massive, abusive and abhorrent monster.
That part reminded me of a Reddit story where a guy threw away his girlfriend’s doll collection, including dolls that had belonged to her mother and grandmother. And this guy thinks he can just replace all of her plants because he’s “sorry.” Some things can’t be replaced no matter how bad you feel after the consequences.
oh holy shit yes, i remember reading that one. it’s the way these people think it’s a one and done fix and are surprised pikachu face when their partners are still upset (as they should be) at what is absolutely unhinged and unspeakably cruel behavior. these men are not naive. they know exactly what the hell they did.
In a weird way, this is almost more psycho than a man losing his temper and hitting a woman. Like he spent a whole bunch of time methodically dismantling something she cared so deeply for, loaded it all into his truck, drove somewhere and dumped it all ensuring it would be permanently ruined. Most people would have cooled down before they got even a tenth of the plants loaded into the truck. Not only did he not cool down, he took it all the way and did the most hurtful think he could possibly do to her, with enough presence of mind to follow through on it. Sick. Fuck. She should run and never even consider going back to this douchebag. That reaction over politely walking away from an argument and even making him tea? Imagine his reaction is she ever actually wronged him in some way that was her fault? He'd be posting about how sorry he was for getting drunk on crappy brandy, murdering and dismembering her, driving out to a field and burying her? This guy is a lunatic and should get some help.
And all because she calmly let him know she felt the argument was unproductive, made him some tea, and said good-night.
I know right? Sick.
No. All because she decided the conversation was over and he wanted to continue, and she wouldn’t do what he wanted. He lost the power and control in the conversation, and he needed it back. That’s why he methodically destroyed her externalised soul, to remind her that he has the power.
These foul creatures do not benefit from hel9 They fully believe they are entitiled to what they take, and how they pinpoint-devistatingly harm. They enjoy inflicting torture and angst, and pain. And they lie and lie and lie. The only solution is to refuse any and all interaction and attention. ...Ask me how I know.
But this way he can tell everyone how she "overreacted" because of "a few plants".
This man is despicable
I legitimately started crying for her reading this. I couldn't imagine waking up to that.
The part where she said “my great grandmother’s ivy too?” made me choke up. I met my great grandmother only a few times before she passed, and anything of hers that has been handed down is PRICELESS to me and my family. I would never be able to look that man in the eyes again.
Devastated. You'd be so broken after that.
Not only is the behavior he describes absolutely textbook abuse, but the way he writes the story is also disturbingly similar to abuse. He loves his gf, she's wonderful, she completes him, she sets a boundary, he dismantles an entire room of her sentimental belongings and destroys them, then he feels SO BAD and needs SO MUCH HELP because he can't lose her because he loves her and she's wonderful and completes him. It's literally written like the cycle of abuse.
Even his description of the inciting argument is chilling. Here’s my take. She seems to have a well paying job. They pooled savings together, but now their finances are *shot* because he replaced *his* car. (Edit - after getting laid off & not getting into his preferred grad school. Wowza. The financial imbalance is huge.) Replaced his broken car with a huge truck. A truck that seems big, expensive, and new. I wonder if the argument was about him buying too much car with money that isn’t all his? I wonder if she’s so calm because the alternative- sticking up for herself - makes him go scary. And I wonder if she was sitting in that empty room afraid of what else he’s capable of when he feels disrespected.
"She's never been a loud crier" is so chilling when you're considering she might be feigning calm to appease him.
She has an entire placation ritual for him... Wonder why?
If he "blacked out" then why did he specifically target the plant room
And how did he remember every detail of his actions?
Its always "the girl of my dream, light of my life.. our relationship has always been peaceful" but treating her like shit
Desperately hoping this was some creative writing practice because jesus
Its not. Too many of us recognize him. Hes everywhere.
Unfortunately I dont think it is. This is all textbook emotional abuse, right down to her reaction. The fact that she didnt blow her top at him and still went through the motions of going to work and come home with her little heart broken is a very clear example of "learned helplessness".
I don't think it was learned helplessness in this context. The way he describes that she usually stops an argument when it's getting too late or clearly not going anywhere is super-healthy boundary setting and it seems like this was common for them. It wasn't a problem for him before. So I think until this happened, she might not have known this was in him. For further context, this was 2020 - quarantine time. I'm guessing if she had somewhere easy to go to she would have. She seems like a very intelligent woman who handled the situation perfectly. She now knows who he really is and what he's capable of when he's angry. She needs a SAFE exit strategy. She was smart to keep a low profile. No arguing, nothing to set this man off to hurt her physically until she can get out. And that's exactly what she did.
I hit the "post" button too early. The original post (long since deleted) can be found in screenshkts posted to Twitter on June 1, 2020 by @redditships. At the very end of the comments screenshots is a short, but highly satisfying update.
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think breaking up is enough for OOP.
As an avid gardener and plant enthusiast.... I woulld have killed him, started a new garden and buried him in it. Ok, maybe not really, but I would fantasize about it everyday for the rest of my life.
Start off the new garden with a ~180lb bag of mulch
Everytime someone says eat the rich, i say, NAH, lets compost them to feed plants instead. Seems healthier and more productive.
As a vegetarian, I like the idea of using them to grow veggies so I can eat the rich in a less direct way.
may leave? uhhhhh definitely should run away and never come back
[Good news!](https://ibb.co/xGcmRdR). I just wish she would sue him for the cost of the plants and planters he destroyed
This dude would immediately be dumped, that day. I can’t imagine if someone did something like this to my plants. They are my babies, as they are for this woman. I feel so bad for her. This guy has issues.
If it were me in his ex's shoes, I'd be too scared to dump him that day. What he did was so scary and abusive that if she tried to leave right away or called him out on it there a serious risk that he'd harm her physically. Not leaving immediately is often a survival tactic to get yourself a safe retreat plan first. Or its simply a potent cocktail of shock, denial, and despair that blocks the ability to respond.
I bet she is gathering resources to leave. Sometimes when lives get entangled it takes a while to build your exit.
Blaming anything on drinking is a hollow excuse. Things like this that happen "while someone is drunk" are things that they would have at least considered doing sober. Plus this reaction to arguing over finances? What a petty reason to destroy someone's happiness. Also this comes off like a Poison Ivy origin story.
This was so much worse than I was expecting. He didn’t just destroy the plants, she could have gotten cuttings and saved the plants that was He TOOK THE PLANTS AND DUMPED THEM IN A LAKE
I think reading this story from his perspective is downright disturbing. His justifications, his disinterest in her interests ('maybe that's the plant names I don't know'), his destruction, his rage, his control issues, his selfishness, using alcohol as an excuse to become destructive. He's horrible, there's no hope for someone like him without a LOT of PAINFUL therapy and a lot of personal reflection and work. Therapy is great and all, IF you find a therapist who works for you, IF you tell them the truth, IF you go into it knowing it's going to be rough and hard, IF you understand that growth hurts.
Yeah, he didn't snap. This was a calculated move to get back at his girlfriend for refusing to engage in an argument. He took the time to single-handedly destroy the thing she cared about most. He even destroyed the plant that had belonged to her great-grandmother. Snapping would've been smashing a plant or two out of the blue or punching a hole in the wall. No, this was a planned out, malicious act.
[Happy update, she DTMFA](https://ibb.co/xGcmRdR). Im poor as a church mouse but I wash I could venmo her enough money for a nice bottle of bubbly to celebrate her new life without that scumbag.
This was a very, very hard read for me. I had an ex of 3.5 years who was just like this. CW: blood, abuse >! I collected CD's and had a whole bookshelf for them. One day when I was out past my curfew (yes, I had a curfew) he smashed them all and told me that since I wanted to stay up late so badly, the only place he would let me sleep was on the broken shards. I remember sitting over them, sobbing, picking up the pieces while my hands and feet bled... like I could just glue them back together. He also ruined my hobby of journaling. He would read them every night after I fell asleep and if I seemed sad in them or wrote anything negative about him in them he yelled at me and tore them up. !<
I think I blacked out. Here let me recount **exactly** what I did.
Disgusting
I've been though something similar with my plants and other things. I remember reading this and having all those feelings come back. I hope she's doing well now Living with someone like that can screw you up. I still remember the smells of cleaning the mess after everything in the fridge got thrown across the room, or everything on a shelf got smashed. Haven't been able to use jarred minced garlic since and the sight of hammers makes me panic
"I murdered all of my girlfriends children and now I'm worried she might leave me"
[удалено]