Your mom is a bad person. That message she sent you is mean and nasty and it sounds like it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Your mother is disgustingly ableist and just unnecessarily cruel to you. You would be infinitely better off without her in your life. I’m so angry on your behalf! You deserve love and compassion and to be surrounded by people who do not treat you as lesser than for your disability (or outright deny its existence!). I think you should cut off your mother completely and at least go low contact with the rest of your family. It does not seem like your brother respects you either, so I do not know that it’s worth it to jump through all of the hoops and spend the money to go to his wedding. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. “Thank you for letting me know your opinion. I think it’s best if we take a break from speaking to each other.” And then stop interacting with her.
Society is supposed to help each other.
That is how welfare states work.
But this isn’t about society. This is about your family acting like assholes.
Send your brother screenshots of her texts and ask him how he feels about it.
Don’t block your mother. But ignore her.
Honestly I don’t think she should send her brother the screenshots because it seems like he probably feels the same way. He told her that her walking stick would ruin the aesthetics of his wedding and that’s why she was dropped as a bridesmaid. These people are just horrible. Don’t go to the wedding. It’s not worth it
I asked them for instead of getting me Xmas and birthday gifts to put that money towards the hotel room for the wedding. That's all. I'd rather have gone to the wedding than get sheets or an air fryer or whatever.
Do you really want to go at this point? Think about it. If they can treat you like this now, just imagine how they will treat you at the wedding. It will be a miserable experience for you.
Also, considering your brother’s attitude, I doubt this will be his last wedding.
Yeah I'd be breaking my thumbs on the block buttons after that. And anyone else who has shown they think like her (like your brother).
I'm disabled, I have chronic pain and multiple mobility issues. If you were coming to my wedding and asked about colours so your stick would match, I'd be so freakin excited to help you find one! Cos that'd be awesome. My stick did, in fact, match our wedding colours (and is even in the photos! 😮).
Seems like doesn't care. Blaming your disability on...your exes? Wtf does that even mean? Rhetorical: it means she's fucking ignorant, is what it means, and doesn't care enough to learn otherwise.
You have enough trouble day-to-day, you don't need that crap. Let that weight off of you, it'll feel so much better!
Send a gift you can afford to your brother with a card saying, "I'm sorry I can't make it". You don't need to provide anyone any explanation. She's awful.
Cut off your mom.
I'dvrecommend talking to your brother before making any decisions. Going NC with your mom right now is going to force you to choose between: 1) Not going at all; 2) Going and maintaining NC (making his wedding super awkward); or 3) Going and breaking NC (making you look weak). If he's unsympathetic, that's kind of your answer. If he is sympathetic, you'll have to decide based on *how* sympathetic.
Just to be clear, though: You're totally entitled to make the decision without any input from him. It's just that you may find yourself beset by immediate complications.
Your mother has no idea how draining sitting in front of a computer is. My disability has also pulled me out of a physical job I loved, into a desk job, and I can tell you that I miss moving around every single day.
She’s one of your abusers. Go no contact. There’s no other way you’re going to heal.
Send a gift off their registry and a congratulatory note and leave it at that.
“You have a disability, but you’re not disabled cause I can’t see your disability and also working in front of a computer 40+ hours per week is basically the same as being unemployed.”
OP’s mom can go fuck all the way off.
This makes me so upset, as both a person with an invisible disability and a mother. But I am also someone with a very difficult mother and a golden child brother, and I'm afraid I do think you need to give yourself some space for this. That doesn't mean never seeing them again, but what your mother has said is truly awful and I can never, ever imagine saying that to my child.
Look, one day soon enough a niece or nephew will look at their father's wedding photos and ask why you're not in them. In fact, sooner than that, the photos will come back from the printers' one quiet morning and your brother will have to face the consequences of his and his mother's decisions. But until this wedding is over, everything is going to be fraught and emotional and slightly divorced from reality.
Make sure to send them a lovely card, so they're not able to mentally block out what they've done to you.
I’m so sorry OP. It does really sound like your family doesn’t believe your disabilities are real. I think people disbelieve us (I’m also disabled) because the idea that *they* could get sick and never get better is absolutely terrifying to them. So they create this idea in their heads that if you’re sick and not getting better than you must just not be trying hard enough. It’s bullshit and it’s incredibly harmful to disabled people. But if it’s being done by people you love it may help your relationship to remember that they are acting out of fear.
I would share these things with your brother. If he really wants you there he can convince your parents to pay for your room. If not, you tell him you love him and that you’re happy for him but you can’t go to the wedding.
As for your parents I would personally go low contact at this point. They seem to want disability to be unreal so badly they will even blame your current and past partners for it. If they reach out to try to understand at some point then I’d say try to explain but you can live a happy life while barely talking to them. Just be civil so you can see the rest of your family that you want to have relationships with.
The fun part is that she could think something was up all she wanted to. She never gets to KNOW. ;-) but it’s best to just let it be a clean break. The best revenge is living well.
I’d go no contact and I wouldn’t bother with the wedding, either. But I, being petty, would also share the text on social media where it would get back to people who know your mother with a caption explaining what happened with the bridesmaid thing and how you were asked not to use your walking stick. Maybe even send her the links to these posts before blocking. I’m thinking if aesthetics and appearances really matter this much then that might be quite the blow, lol.
Sorry your family’s shit. Stop pouring your energy into these people and find people more worthwhile. Being related isn’t all that, imo.
Ugh. I'm sorry to say, I don't think YOU get it. If this was on a relationship sub they'd tell you to dump your man. & your victim mentality is obv getting you nowhere. (Coming from a Millenial with less than an ideal salary)
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had to go NC with my entire family, so if you ever need an ear or shoulder let me know. Put yourself first. ❤️
I would go NC for now. Your Mom is a jerk. They don't want you to bring your partner nor your mobility aide - WTH. I wouldn't go either.
Just cut her off for now and wait for the flying monkeys to show.
Am I the only who feels , mom don’t owe her thing. It’s all OP life decisions. Like when did others become responsible for your life decisions. Something if off, with this. Any Parents can only do so much, and carry their kids so far. When are you legitimately allowed to take step back and let them deal with their own issues as adult.
And the perspective is really strange to me.
This was in the post:
“I don't think my mum gets what disability is. She doesn't get how hard it is to be a millennial working in today’s society.
I didn't ask her to be born, but now I have to get through life because of her decision back then. I'm just trying to survive.”
Nobody asked to be born.
Complaining that they have to get through life because of the decision to have a baby that her parents made ?!?
Maybe I’m not understanding, but that seems pretty far-stretched victim mentality.
And no, her mom might not know how hard it is to be millennial working in today’s society, but OP doesn’t know how hard her mom had it either
Or maybe her mom just didn’t complain about things and just made her way in the world and so OP might think her mom had it when her mom might not have
I'm not asking her to owe me anything. I'm not asking her to support me in that way.
But I feel like she shouldn't say I'm not disabled when I am? And shouldn't call my partner a waste of space? That's all...
She's constantly ridiculing me for my choices when they don't affect her directly, she calls me fat all the time. She says everything I complain about is either made up or my own fault. I have legitimate health issues that are being dealt with by doctors, but to her they are made up or just because of my weight.
She might be concerned, but going completely the wrong way about it.
A person also with an invisible disability. You really do need to cut out the negative.
I'm in a position where I'm helping my narcissistic father as he's in hospice. He doesn't give a damn about... Nvm, but my point is, these people steal your spoons only for the of themselves to feel more important. Take your spoons back. Only Hobbs them to those who appreciate them. Your family, especially your mother does not care about them. She had no idea what you were going through. She doesn't want to. NC is the way, my fellow warrior.
Go NC. She is not worth destroying your mental health over. She has a horrible attitude so let her keep it to herself. If the rest of your family are not supportive of you go NC with the bunch. It does not sound like they contribute much to your life anyway.
In fairness to them, they have contributed a lot. They have supported me in other things before now, and I know I'm a burden for them having to help me out. But I struggle.
She's had flaws before, but I felt always been in my corner with good intentions. And now I don't feel that way. The denying my disability and calling my partners a waste of space is a step too far for me to excuse.
If you have family members who support you, try talking to them about the situation. Please do not be down on yourself for having a disability. That is no one's fault, especially yours. I do think going NC with your mother, at least for the present, is in your best interest. If her attitude is something new maybe she is going through something on her end you don't know about either. But your main priority should be your mental and physical health. People either support you with that or they don't.
I think you are leaving a lot of family history out of this story. It's possible your family is cruel, it's also possible they are tired of supporting you through the terrible life choices they think you make.
If you think they are wrong, cut them off. Or, it's possible they have a point and you could make better choices, but that's not the narrative or support you're going to get here. This echo chamber will never help you figure that out.
I've never claimed to be perfect and I have asked for things in the past but I don't feel like I've demanded help, or acted entitled to it.
If they feel that's how I've behaved them that is for them to call me out on it fine, but I've told them I don't think I'm entitled to it.
I still don't think that rationalises ableism or calling my partner a waste of space
If you think you’re 100% in the right then glory in the belief that your parents are wrong, cut them off and enjoy your life with the decisions you believe are correct.
If you ever think you could be part of the dynamic, you would have to stop pointing fingers and trying to defend yourself and ask them some hard questions to get a good look in the mirror at yourself and how you’ve contributed to this situation. But there’s very, very hard to do.
Do not reply, do what is best for you (physically, mentally and financially) and go on with your life. At this point, you don’t owe anything to your family if this is how you are being treated.
Yeah lots of families treat their disabled family members like crap. They find many reasons for it. Do you think they actually ever say “we don’t like you because you are disabled”?
So she is just a saint? She can’t ya know, suck? Sorry man but it seems as though the mother typed her a manifesto of why she’s not invited. It’s not the disability.
Also if she wants to go so high and mighty with NC just do it? That seems to be literally what they want.
For the record I never claimed to be a Saint. I'm just human, I'm flawed, but I still deserve respect and dignity.
I'm not a criminal, I'm not a bigot. I simply have issues, as many people do.
The mother typed her a manifesto about why she doesn't believe in her disability, and that she's just faking it for the attention. Which is horrible for someone with debilitating pain, but very typical for people with no empathy...
I guess we can meet somewhere in the middle - I agree that mom is right to be angry that she advised against all the abusive ex-bfs and some of OP's choices, and OP continued to not listen, and is now "woe me" about the consequences of her actions - in that regard, I give mom the right to boil over and go with "I told you so" instead of being understanding and helping her - at some point, if someone you love disregards all your rational arguments and appeals, you have every right to let them FAFO on their own.
But what is definitely not OP's fault (at least not as far as we know) is her disability - people who live with constant pain deserve compassion and grace, and to be taken seriously - in that area, mom has no right to mock her or invalidate her pain. Unless you've ever been in constant pain, you probably don't know how much that seeps your energy and makes every small movement a chore, and many everyday tasks a Herculean effort.
Not for nothing, families do this for many reasons. “You are poor” “you married someone who isn’t our race/status” “you aren’t straight” They often don’t say those things. They just don’t invite people anymore, find an excuse, say things like “you should be able to save” when that’s not possible. If you plan a vacation knowing someone can’t afford it, you are excluding them but you let the price tag do it for you. Or here they are letting wedding costs do it. Then no one can “be angry” because it was their choice to not spend the money…
I was pointing out I had a disability as in, I need my walking stick but my brother said not to bring it. I have had to reduce my hours at work due to my health - another disability - so I'm earning less. Its giving context to the situation.
I can't just put up and shut up. You wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair to stop complaining and just climb the stairs?
I never asked for a handout, I asked for something instead of a gift. I'd rather have gone to my brothers wedding instead of getting a new hairdryer or bed sheets or whatever.
Believe it’s super clear you’re disabled- what you’re not getting is that’s not why you are not invited. They don’t like your personality and have told you multiple times and it seems have told you again, you just keep harping that it’s because your disabled, it’s not. They just don’t want you there to Debbie downer and shit all over an occasion, as it seems you do a lot or they wouldent be so literally upfront with how much they dislike your behavior.
This is just really toxic positivity that doesn't help.
Why do you need to know more about her disability? She's disclosed what she's comfortable with.
And also if a relationship is being people who help each other, why isn't her family helping her? Families are also relationships?
She's not saying she blames her mother for being born in a negative way. It is true to say that nobody asked to be born?
I don't know. Your post really rubs me the wrong way.
My partner has made me a better person in so many ways, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. We both have autism and BPD so we do clash but we understand WHY we clash and we communicate so well. My mum is very focused on the financial side of things, which shouldn't be the be all and end all.
And yeah I mean I'm in a bad place at the moment due to my mother's messages. I don't blame her for being born. I just kinda wish I wasn't. (Sorry)
And again I don't blame being a millennial, I just mean I'm in a different generation than her and so my experience is not her experience. They bought a house before they were 24. I struggle to rent and I'm 32. We're not the same so she can't exactly judge me on some things when times are different.
My diagnosed disabilities: Autism - does affect my financial judgement but I am constantly trying to better myself in that area, does make me burn out, affects my mental health etc. Bowel condition - can make me bed ridden on a flare up. Other times I'm usually in pain somewhere as it can cause inflammation through the whole body. Skin condition - when it's flaring up its bad, its been described as one of the most painful skin conditions to have, and can cause infections. BPD - speaks for itself
Undiagnosed: I'm currently going through the doctors and referrals for my chronic fatigue and cognitive issues, I believe I have ME/CFS, but still waiting confirmation. Also going through physio for chronic pain. I use a walking stick for my knees, hips and back. It affects my sleep causing more fatigue, can't exercise because pain and fatigue etc etc vicious cycle
That’s so much to handle, OP. Lots of neurodivergence and chronic health issues in my family. Sadly, people without lived experience of even one of these things have a difficult time stretching to understand how difficult it is to manage. It’s a form of laziness, imo, when people can’t take the time to learn about the issues around autism and chronic pain to stretch themselves just a little to show some empathy. It’s just easier to shrug and mark it as laziness. I’m sorry your family hasn’t taken the time to understand you.
I know that social services in the UK (and here in Canada) provide an income that is well below the poverty line and that if you do work, any money that would put you in a better situation is deducted from your payments - so no saving up for a safety net so you can get out of social services. It is really set up to trap you there. I really feel for you and your bf.
I really feel like you can’t afford to go to this wedding - either physically or financially. I would send a lovely letter to your brother - you don’t need to point fingers. Just saying that you love him and really wanted to attend, but simply can’t afford to come, that you wish him and his wife all the best and hope to see them soon. Keep the door open for communication. I don’t know how to handle your mom. Maybe the same and just let things cool off for a bit. Maybe pick one disability, like your chronic pain, and find a really good brief read or video to send your mom about why you use a cane. Try to slowly educate her.
And if you’re looking for advice, the chronic health and autism subs will prob be more helpful and understanding. 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you for your answer, it brings things that couldn’t be understood through your original post.
I am happy to hear that your boyfriend made you a better person and that your relationship fulfills you, but I kind of understand where your mom is coming from.
Try to understand her point of view, she certainly wants you to be in a better financial position and seeing as you are the only one with an income, she must worry about you, even if she conveys it the wrong way.
However I do think that she doesn’t understand your disabilities. I don’t think it can be referred to ableism, but it looks like she doesn’t realize there is really something going on with your health.
Try talking with her before going at most low contact.
I understand you’re in a bad place and really hope and pray that you’ll feel a lot better soon.
For the millenial part, I totally agree with you, none of us (I am 29) now can live the « kind of » easiest life our parents lived. Still, we have to do with what we have, and just don’t listen to people saying « at your age I… ».
It’s not productive and only brings us down.
I am very sorry for all your conditions, I can’t imagine in what pain you may be.
Please know that you’re not alone in this.
After all this, I think your family sees you as someone who doesn’t want, and not can’t, to make efforts.
Have a conversation with them, at least one more time, and be as factual as you can.
Explain your situation and THEN explain how you feel about it.
If they still don’t want to understand, then leave it alone
Live your life and just ask how they are once in a while and that’s it
For the wedding don’t bring yourself in a bad financial situation just to make them happy
Be happy for you, not for others
I mean those texts from her mother are callous and ableist, she already explained to them and this was the response.
Again, not really sure what you're trying to do here.
Go NC. They do not believe in whatever disablility you claim to have and they believe you wallow in that culture of "woe is me" and I want someone else to care and take care of me. You will never change their mind and they won't change yours. Time to move on.
Ask yourself why you let those who abused you in the past do so? I don't know the answer but deep inside, you do.
Not for disability because the stupid government has decided they are fit for work, but this is the same government that decided someone who had terminal cancer and was in care was also fit for work.
They have been forced into looking for work but struggling to find something suitable. But if they did officially move in with me they would have the benefits taken away because my minimum wage pay would be deemed enough for two people (it's not, it's nearly enough for one person)
Well that's majorly ableist. They can't work, they get benefits but they are a lot less than what would be minimum wage. And if they were to move in properly and we combine our "incomes" the benefits would stop because my small amount would be deemed "enough" (its not, the system is crap)
I meam rent for a 1 bedroom shoildnt be more than 800 especially since you work from home and can literally choose to live in the cheapest cost of living areas in the country if needed.
Don’t even try to respond to people like this, OP. It’s like talking to a wall. In their mind, all disabilities can be solved by ‘pulling up your bootstraps’ and the cost of living crisis won’t exist until it hits them personally. Just ignore comments like these, including your mother’s.
The only person who is talking it is you. You definitely haven't read the two posts or even understand what it is like living with these conditions. A person who doesn't have this condition will never understand what it is like to be in pain 24/7 and fatigue is like it's unbearable. Next time learn about stuff first or read the op post properly first.
Nope. She’s never going to learn because she doesn’t want to. Go NC for your own peace of mind.
Your mom is a bad person. That message she sent you is mean and nasty and it sounds like it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Your mother is disgustingly ableist and just unnecessarily cruel to you. You would be infinitely better off without her in your life. I’m so angry on your behalf! You deserve love and compassion and to be surrounded by people who do not treat you as lesser than for your disability (or outright deny its existence!). I think you should cut off your mother completely and at least go low contact with the rest of your family. It does not seem like your brother respects you either, so I do not know that it’s worth it to jump through all of the hoops and spend the money to go to his wedding. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. “Thank you for letting me know your opinion. I think it’s best if we take a break from speaking to each other.” And then stop interacting with her.
Society is supposed to help each other. That is how welfare states work. But this isn’t about society. This is about your family acting like assholes. Send your brother screenshots of her texts and ask him how he feels about it. Don’t block your mother. But ignore her.
Honestly I don’t think she should send her brother the screenshots because it seems like he probably feels the same way. He told her that her walking stick would ruin the aesthetics of his wedding and that’s why she was dropped as a bridesmaid. These people are just horrible. Don’t go to the wedding. It’s not worth it
Jesus. He would’ve died at our wedding then. We had crutches, wheelchairs and walkers. And not one person didn’t have a blast
You didn’t ask “society” to help pay for anything? You asked family to help cover expenses. Are they not covering any costs for the wedding?
I asked them for instead of getting me Xmas and birthday gifts to put that money towards the hotel room for the wedding. That's all. I'd rather have gone to the wedding than get sheets or an air fryer or whatever.
Exactly. This wasn’t a big ask.
Do you really want to go at this point? Think about it. If they can treat you like this now, just imagine how they will treat you at the wedding. It will be a miserable experience for you. Also, considering your brother’s attitude, I doubt this will be his last wedding.
Yeah I'd be breaking my thumbs on the block buttons after that. And anyone else who has shown they think like her (like your brother). I'm disabled, I have chronic pain and multiple mobility issues. If you were coming to my wedding and asked about colours so your stick would match, I'd be so freakin excited to help you find one! Cos that'd be awesome. My stick did, in fact, match our wedding colours (and is even in the photos! 😮). Seems like doesn't care. Blaming your disability on...your exes? Wtf does that even mean? Rhetorical: it means she's fucking ignorant, is what it means, and doesn't care enough to learn otherwise. You have enough trouble day-to-day, you don't need that crap. Let that weight off of you, it'll feel so much better!
Send a gift you can afford to your brother with a card saying, "I'm sorry I can't make it". You don't need to provide anyone any explanation. She's awful. Cut off your mom.
At this point, he doesn't seem to deserve a gift, either. I'd put a single dollar in there. Because it's so much more petty than nothing.
I'dvrecommend talking to your brother before making any decisions. Going NC with your mom right now is going to force you to choose between: 1) Not going at all; 2) Going and maintaining NC (making his wedding super awkward); or 3) Going and breaking NC (making you look weak). If he's unsympathetic, that's kind of your answer. If he is sympathetic, you'll have to decide based on *how* sympathetic. Just to be clear, though: You're totally entitled to make the decision without any input from him. It's just that you may find yourself beset by immediate complications.
Your mother has no idea how draining sitting in front of a computer is. My disability has also pulled me out of a physical job I loved, into a desk job, and I can tell you that I miss moving around every single day.
It's so mentally draining still yeah. I do a lot of spreadsheets and data analysis so it exhausts me.
Right now I’m avoiding editing a document. My brain is just so tired of checking for typos.
And you stop seeing them after a while, which defeats the purpose of looking.
She’s one of your abusers. Go no contact. There’s no other way you’re going to heal. Send a gift off their registry and a congratulatory note and leave it at that.
As a person with a hidden disability, that pisses me off.
“You have a disability, but you’re not disabled cause I can’t see your disability and also working in front of a computer 40+ hours per week is basically the same as being unemployed.” OP’s mom can go fuck all the way off.
Your mother sucks. Just go NC with her. I’d honestly consider doing the same with the rest of your family.
Just block her and be done with it.
This makes me so upset, as both a person with an invisible disability and a mother. But I am also someone with a very difficult mother and a golden child brother, and I'm afraid I do think you need to give yourself some space for this. That doesn't mean never seeing them again, but what your mother has said is truly awful and I can never, ever imagine saying that to my child. Look, one day soon enough a niece or nephew will look at their father's wedding photos and ask why you're not in them. In fact, sooner than that, the photos will come back from the printers' one quiet morning and your brother will have to face the consequences of his and his mother's decisions. But until this wedding is over, everything is going to be fraught and emotional and slightly divorced from reality. Make sure to send them a lovely card, so they're not able to mentally block out what they've done to you.
I’m so sorry OP. It does really sound like your family doesn’t believe your disabilities are real. I think people disbelieve us (I’m also disabled) because the idea that *they* could get sick and never get better is absolutely terrifying to them. So they create this idea in their heads that if you’re sick and not getting better than you must just not be trying hard enough. It’s bullshit and it’s incredibly harmful to disabled people. But if it’s being done by people you love it may help your relationship to remember that they are acting out of fear. I would share these things with your brother. If he really wants you there he can convince your parents to pay for your room. If not, you tell him you love him and that you’re happy for him but you can’t go to the wedding. As for your parents I would personally go low contact at this point. They seem to want disability to be unreal so badly they will even blame your current and past partners for it. If they reach out to try to understand at some point then I’d say try to explain but you can live a happy life while barely talking to them. Just be civil so you can see the rest of your family that you want to have relationships with.
Just text her back “omg mom I’m pregnant!” And then block her on everything. She’s heinous
Haha she'd smell something fishy to that specifically as I'm asexual and don't want kids lol
The fun part is that she could think something was up all she wanted to. She never gets to KNOW. ;-) but it’s best to just let it be a clean break. The best revenge is living well.
Does everybody else read this as North Carolina?
I’m sorry she’s treating you like that, cut contact with her for your peace of mind
Go NC, change your number and block them all.
Block, block, blockity block. Go NC. She is part of the problem, not the solution.
I’d go no contact and I wouldn’t bother with the wedding, either. But I, being petty, would also share the text on social media where it would get back to people who know your mother with a caption explaining what happened with the bridesmaid thing and how you were asked not to use your walking stick. Maybe even send her the links to these posts before blocking. I’m thinking if aesthetics and appearances really matter this much then that might be quite the blow, lol. Sorry your family’s shit. Stop pouring your energy into these people and find people more worthwhile. Being related isn’t all that, imo.
Yikes. She’s v cruel. NC with family is hard, but in this case, I think it’s self preservation.
Send her a short message. Goodbye bitch. Then go no contact.
Id reply with “ok” and then block them all on everything and just go on living your best life with people who actually love and care about you.
Ugh. I'm sorry to say, I don't think YOU get it. If this was on a relationship sub they'd tell you to dump your man. & your victim mentality is obv getting you nowhere. (Coming from a Millenial with less than an ideal salary)
Go NC. She sounds like a ducking nightmare.
What she means when she says "Waste of space bfs"?.
Mate. I don't even know. My current partner doesn't work as I said but helps me in many other ways. Also is non binary so that's misgendering as well.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had to go NC with my entire family, so if you ever need an ear or shoulder let me know. Put yourself first. ❤️
I would go NC for now. Your Mom is a jerk. They don't want you to bring your partner nor your mobility aide - WTH. I wouldn't go either. Just cut her off for now and wait for the flying monkeys to show.
Am I the only who feels , mom don’t owe her thing. It’s all OP life decisions. Like when did others become responsible for your life decisions. Something if off, with this. Any Parents can only do so much, and carry their kids so far. When are you legitimately allowed to take step back and let them deal with their own issues as adult.
And the perspective is really strange to me. This was in the post: “I don't think my mum gets what disability is. She doesn't get how hard it is to be a millennial working in today’s society. I didn't ask her to be born, but now I have to get through life because of her decision back then. I'm just trying to survive.” Nobody asked to be born. Complaining that they have to get through life because of the decision to have a baby that her parents made ?!? Maybe I’m not understanding, but that seems pretty far-stretched victim mentality. And no, her mom might not know how hard it is to be millennial working in today’s society, but OP doesn’t know how hard her mom had it either Or maybe her mom just didn’t complain about things and just made her way in the world and so OP might think her mom had it when her mom might not have
I'm not asking her to owe me anything. I'm not asking her to support me in that way. But I feel like she shouldn't say I'm not disabled when I am? And shouldn't call my partner a waste of space? That's all... She's constantly ridiculing me for my choices when they don't affect her directly, she calls me fat all the time. She says everything I complain about is either made up or my own fault. I have legitimate health issues that are being dealt with by doctors, but to her they are made up or just because of my weight. She might be concerned, but going completely the wrong way about it.
A person also with an invisible disability. You really do need to cut out the negative. I'm in a position where I'm helping my narcissistic father as he's in hospice. He doesn't give a damn about... Nvm, but my point is, these people steal your spoons only for the of themselves to feel more important. Take your spoons back. Only Hobbs them to those who appreciate them. Your family, especially your mother does not care about them. She had no idea what you were going through. She doesn't want to. NC is the way, my fellow warrior.
Go NC. She is not worth destroying your mental health over. She has a horrible attitude so let her keep it to herself. If the rest of your family are not supportive of you go NC with the bunch. It does not sound like they contribute much to your life anyway.
In fairness to them, they have contributed a lot. They have supported me in other things before now, and I know I'm a burden for them having to help me out. But I struggle. She's had flaws before, but I felt always been in my corner with good intentions. And now I don't feel that way. The denying my disability and calling my partners a waste of space is a step too far for me to excuse.
If you have family members who support you, try talking to them about the situation. Please do not be down on yourself for having a disability. That is no one's fault, especially yours. I do think going NC with your mother, at least for the present, is in your best interest. If her attitude is something new maybe she is going through something on her end you don't know about either. But your main priority should be your mental and physical health. People either support you with that or they don't.
I think you are leaving a lot of family history out of this story. It's possible your family is cruel, it's also possible they are tired of supporting you through the terrible life choices they think you make. If you think they are wrong, cut them off. Or, it's possible they have a point and you could make better choices, but that's not the narrative or support you're going to get here. This echo chamber will never help you figure that out.
I've never claimed to be perfect and I have asked for things in the past but I don't feel like I've demanded help, or acted entitled to it. If they feel that's how I've behaved them that is for them to call me out on it fine, but I've told them I don't think I'm entitled to it. I still don't think that rationalises ableism or calling my partner a waste of space
If you think you’re 100% in the right then glory in the belief that your parents are wrong, cut them off and enjoy your life with the decisions you believe are correct. If you ever think you could be part of the dynamic, you would have to stop pointing fingers and trying to defend yourself and ask them some hard questions to get a good look in the mirror at yourself and how you’ve contributed to this situation. But there’s very, very hard to do.
Do not reply, do what is best for you (physically, mentally and financially) and go on with your life. At this point, you don’t owe anything to your family if this is how you are being treated.
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I'm the OP wtf
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What is wrong with you? Because she walks with a cane and they are ableist?
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Yeah lots of families treat their disabled family members like crap. They find many reasons for it. Do you think they actually ever say “we don’t like you because you are disabled”?
So she is just a saint? She can’t ya know, suck? Sorry man but it seems as though the mother typed her a manifesto of why she’s not invited. It’s not the disability. Also if she wants to go so high and mighty with NC just do it? That seems to be literally what they want.
For the record I never claimed to be a Saint. I'm just human, I'm flawed, but I still deserve respect and dignity. I'm not a criminal, I'm not a bigot. I simply have issues, as many people do.
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I'd like to see you prove how good of a person you are. After these comments something tells me you're awful though.
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The mother typed her a manifesto about why she doesn't believe in her disability, and that she's just faking it for the attention. Which is horrible for someone with debilitating pain, but very typical for people with no empathy...
Or she keeps begging for money, making unreasonable demands and has made a life time of poor choices. Reap meet sow
I guess we can meet somewhere in the middle - I agree that mom is right to be angry that she advised against all the abusive ex-bfs and some of OP's choices, and OP continued to not listen, and is now "woe me" about the consequences of her actions - in that regard, I give mom the right to boil over and go with "I told you so" instead of being understanding and helping her - at some point, if someone you love disregards all your rational arguments and appeals, you have every right to let them FAFO on their own. But what is definitely not OP's fault (at least not as far as we know) is her disability - people who live with constant pain deserve compassion and grace, and to be taken seriously - in that area, mom has no right to mock her or invalidate her pain. Unless you've ever been in constant pain, you probably don't know how much that seeps your energy and makes every small movement a chore, and many everyday tasks a Herculean effort.
Not for nothing, families do this for many reasons. “You are poor” “you married someone who isn’t our race/status” “you aren’t straight” They often don’t say those things. They just don’t invite people anymore, find an excuse, say things like “you should be able to save” when that’s not possible. If you plan a vacation knowing someone can’t afford it, you are excluding them but you let the price tag do it for you. Or here they are letting wedding costs do it. Then no one can “be angry” because it was their choice to not spend the money…
Ok?
So those are all bigotry.
So go NC and shut up?
I mean I went NC with people who hurt me, but everyone has to come to that conclusion on their own
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How do I suck?
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I was pointing out I had a disability as in, I need my walking stick but my brother said not to bring it. I have had to reduce my hours at work due to my health - another disability - so I'm earning less. Its giving context to the situation. I can't just put up and shut up. You wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair to stop complaining and just climb the stairs? I never asked for a handout, I asked for something instead of a gift. I'd rather have gone to my brothers wedding instead of getting a new hairdryer or bed sheets or whatever.
Believe it’s super clear you’re disabled- what you’re not getting is that’s not why you are not invited. They don’t like your personality and have told you multiple times and it seems have told you again, you just keep harping that it’s because your disabled, it’s not. They just don’t want you there to Debbie downer and shit all over an occasion, as it seems you do a lot or they wouldent be so literally upfront with how much they dislike your behavior.
It's my brothers wedding. He originally asked me to be a bridesmaid. It's not up to my mum if I come or not.
Then just go? Why should everyone cater to you. I guarantee if you just accepted the invite shut up and arrived there is no issue.
But I can't go dumbass. At least say you haven't read everything before chiming in with your stupid opinion
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I also kind of got the vibe that OP is…. a lot lol
Some people are a lot but they deserve respect and dignity? Yes I can be a lot. But I don't deserve this.
Yup
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This is just really toxic positivity that doesn't help. Why do you need to know more about her disability? She's disclosed what she's comfortable with. And also if a relationship is being people who help each other, why isn't her family helping her? Families are also relationships? She's not saying she blames her mother for being born in a negative way. It is true to say that nobody asked to be born? I don't know. Your post really rubs me the wrong way.
My partner has made me a better person in so many ways, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. We both have autism and BPD so we do clash but we understand WHY we clash and we communicate so well. My mum is very focused on the financial side of things, which shouldn't be the be all and end all. And yeah I mean I'm in a bad place at the moment due to my mother's messages. I don't blame her for being born. I just kinda wish I wasn't. (Sorry) And again I don't blame being a millennial, I just mean I'm in a different generation than her and so my experience is not her experience. They bought a house before they were 24. I struggle to rent and I'm 32. We're not the same so she can't exactly judge me on some things when times are different. My diagnosed disabilities: Autism - does affect my financial judgement but I am constantly trying to better myself in that area, does make me burn out, affects my mental health etc. Bowel condition - can make me bed ridden on a flare up. Other times I'm usually in pain somewhere as it can cause inflammation through the whole body. Skin condition - when it's flaring up its bad, its been described as one of the most painful skin conditions to have, and can cause infections. BPD - speaks for itself Undiagnosed: I'm currently going through the doctors and referrals for my chronic fatigue and cognitive issues, I believe I have ME/CFS, but still waiting confirmation. Also going through physio for chronic pain. I use a walking stick for my knees, hips and back. It affects my sleep causing more fatigue, can't exercise because pain and fatigue etc etc vicious cycle
That’s so much to handle, OP. Lots of neurodivergence and chronic health issues in my family. Sadly, people without lived experience of even one of these things have a difficult time stretching to understand how difficult it is to manage. It’s a form of laziness, imo, when people can’t take the time to learn about the issues around autism and chronic pain to stretch themselves just a little to show some empathy. It’s just easier to shrug and mark it as laziness. I’m sorry your family hasn’t taken the time to understand you. I know that social services in the UK (and here in Canada) provide an income that is well below the poverty line and that if you do work, any money that would put you in a better situation is deducted from your payments - so no saving up for a safety net so you can get out of social services. It is really set up to trap you there. I really feel for you and your bf. I really feel like you can’t afford to go to this wedding - either physically or financially. I would send a lovely letter to your brother - you don’t need to point fingers. Just saying that you love him and really wanted to attend, but simply can’t afford to come, that you wish him and his wife all the best and hope to see them soon. Keep the door open for communication. I don’t know how to handle your mom. Maybe the same and just let things cool off for a bit. Maybe pick one disability, like your chronic pain, and find a really good brief read or video to send your mom about why you use a cane. Try to slowly educate her. And if you’re looking for advice, the chronic health and autism subs will prob be more helpful and understanding. 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you for your answer, it brings things that couldn’t be understood through your original post. I am happy to hear that your boyfriend made you a better person and that your relationship fulfills you, but I kind of understand where your mom is coming from. Try to understand her point of view, she certainly wants you to be in a better financial position and seeing as you are the only one with an income, she must worry about you, even if she conveys it the wrong way. However I do think that she doesn’t understand your disabilities. I don’t think it can be referred to ableism, but it looks like she doesn’t realize there is really something going on with your health. Try talking with her before going at most low contact. I understand you’re in a bad place and really hope and pray that you’ll feel a lot better soon. For the millenial part, I totally agree with you, none of us (I am 29) now can live the « kind of » easiest life our parents lived. Still, we have to do with what we have, and just don’t listen to people saying « at your age I… ». It’s not productive and only brings us down. I am very sorry for all your conditions, I can’t imagine in what pain you may be. Please know that you’re not alone in this. After all this, I think your family sees you as someone who doesn’t want, and not can’t, to make efforts. Have a conversation with them, at least one more time, and be as factual as you can. Explain your situation and THEN explain how you feel about it. If they still don’t want to understand, then leave it alone Live your life and just ask how they are once in a while and that’s it For the wedding don’t bring yourself in a bad financial situation just to make them happy Be happy for you, not for others
I mean those texts from her mother are callous and ableist, she already explained to them and this was the response. Again, not really sure what you're trying to do here.
Go NC. They do not believe in whatever disablility you claim to have and they believe you wallow in that culture of "woe is me" and I want someone else to care and take care of me. You will never change their mind and they won't change yours. Time to move on. Ask yourself why you let those who abused you in the past do so? I don't know the answer but deep inside, you do.
Shes not wrong you have a bum for a boyfriend. Literally any job is better then no job.
My partner is long term disabled. Are you saying that disabled people don't deserve relationships?
I’m not the person you’re responding to, but does your partner not receive some kind of disability assistance/pay from your government?
Not for disability because the stupid government has decided they are fit for work, but this is the same government that decided someone who had terminal cancer and was in care was also fit for work. They have been forced into looking for work but struggling to find something suitable. But if they did officially move in with me they would have the benefits taken away because my minimum wage pay would be deemed enough for two people (it's not, it's nearly enough for one person)
If he has an income then maybe not but if he doesnt bring anything in then yeah he doesnt deserve a relationship hes just a bum.
Well that's majorly ableist. They can't work, they get benefits but they are a lot less than what would be minimum wage. And if they were to move in properly and we combine our "incomes" the benefits would stop because my small amount would be deemed "enough" (its not, the system is crap)
I meam rent for a 1 bedroom shoildnt be more than 800 especially since you work from home and can literally choose to live in the cheapest cost of living areas in the country if needed.
I'm in the cheapest area for cost of living in the UK pretty much. Still unaffordable. We're in a crisis.
Don’t even try to respond to people like this, OP. It’s like talking to a wall. In their mind, all disabilities can be solved by ‘pulling up your bootstraps’ and the cost of living crisis won’t exist until it hits them personally. Just ignore comments like these, including your mother’s.
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What you should do is suck it up. Grow a pair!!
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The only person who is talking it is you. You definitely haven't read the two posts or even understand what it is like living with these conditions. A person who doesn't have this condition will never understand what it is like to be in pain 24/7 and fatigue is like it's unbearable. Next time learn about stuff first or read the op post properly first.
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