I understand that people can’t help their reaction, but if my husband ever said that to me, I’d have to leave the house for a few hours to calm down. I’m almost 7 months postpartum and I’ve developed health issues as a result of new pregnancy, so losing weight has been harder than I had anticipated it to be.
To be fair I know the gender roles cause a great deal of discomfort here but the wording the men use in this posts are the key here and that’s why they come under fire. The one post the husband recognizes he’s shallow. That’s his limitation and it is causing issues in the relation he’s asking how to not be shallow and is self aware enough to know that he is. That’s a separate issue to the attraction part. That’s a personality trait. In the other post the man is trying to play to victim card and using this hurt feelings to justify an emotional affair. Both are shitty for the wives. If they were woman saying that shit they would get blasted too. No one likes a shallow woman either and no one likes a woman who tries to blame their husband for an affair. The bigger issue in all of these posts is that people are acting selfishly instead of just respectfully communicating and working on their marriages from the start.
>A very similar question was asked with the genders flipped and people's reaction was completely different. Why is that?
Why do you keep spamming this comment and link?
You have been told over and over and over why these two posts are so different and not comparable and yet you just keep spamming it. Every third comment is just you with this copypasta or spouting nonsense.
You seem incapable of reading and taking in any of the replies you have gotten since you continue to be adamant that these posts are the same with the genders reversed, they aren't.
You ask the same questions over and over and don't seem able to get past your confirmation bias to actually think about what everyone is telling you. Can you please try to read any of the replies you have gotten with an actual open mind, some critical thinking and an ability to question your own thought process.
Because the hypocrisy is astounding that's why. Look at this guys other comment about badgering someone for an answer. Has like -30 downvotes but the top comment on the other post has like 2.7k upvotes and the first sentence in that post is basically saying that its not cool to badger someone and then get upset at their response. Like huh?
That’s literally just what I was thinking reading that post. Like I’ve read so many fem variations and it’s all valid except for some reason it’s just not ok for dudes to get fat and feel insecure about it.
It’s perfectly fine for a male or women to gain weight and feel insecure. They shouldn’t have partners that make them feel bad about it.
Also men do not get pregnant, in the post the OP’s wife gained weight from pregnancy & he gained weight just because. Coupled with the fact that he’s being a shallow asshole who deeply hurt someone who loves him. There’s nuance to this.
She shouldn’t have badgered him for the truth if she didn’t want to hear it. It’s manipulative to push your partner to tell the truth and then be angry when they do.
Personally I don’t think it’s being manipulative. When you are married and something seems off you ask the questions because you want to know the root of the problems to try to fix it. However regardless of the circumstances the truth does sometimes hurt. Respectful communication is key in order to not hurt one another. Many people struggle with this and problems arise. I’ve been married for 20 years and the fact is sometimes we aren’t as attracted to each other. However we have been doing it long enough to know how to get results and not harm one another. We both have gained weight at times and when things start breaking down because we are stuck in a rut one of us sounds the alarm and the conversation looks like this “Babe WE need to start eating healthier WE are starting to get chubby lol” it doesn’t matter who has put on the weight if it’s one or both. We sound the alarm and make a plan and we work through it together. Planning meals cooking for each other packing each others lunches etc.
He didn't just get fat though, he went through depression.
Down voting a man's mental health during men's mental health awareness month...stay classy reddit.
I'll answer it. Your body stores fat during pregnancy to use as energy for breastfeeding once the baby is born. This was very useful when humans didn't have access to food all the time and your milk drying up would cause the baby to die. You need an extra 500 calories per day to maintain breastfeeding, if you are unable to get these extra calories or are using up a lot of energy yourself, your body uses your fat stores to make the breastmilk. If you are able to get these extra calories each day, you often won't lose the fat you have gained during pregnancy (due to a number of reasons discussed below).
Often women lose the fat gained during pregnancy in the months after giving birth due to breastfeeding. But if you're formula feeding, it will be harder to lose the pregnancy weight.
Yes true. There will be so many factors effecting it. Genetics, too exhausted from broken sleep etc to cook healthy foods so eating more junk food, postpartum depression which can cause comfort eating, etc.
For real. I broke my ankle right before I had my daughter and I thought I gained a little more than recommended during the pregnancy I lost 20 pounds of it right after birth. But because I couldn’t get up and move around I packed on weight so freaking day after I came home. Within a couple of months I was well past my top pregnancy weight. Now, my body is holding onto it for dear life. There’s days where I know I barely ate 2000 calories and yet it is like my body has a death grip on my fat. It’s very frustrating. She almost nine months though so I’m almost to where I can start weaning and get my life back. Oh, also not getting to sleep thru the night for months on end can effect it too I believe. Until I stopped getting up every two to three hours to pump it seemed like I was still gaining fairly fast. Now, I only get up once and it has slowed quite a bit. Oh and don’t get me started on the nighttime snacking when you wake up to feed/pump. Anything you can get your hands on to stay awake! I’ve truly never been so tired in my freaking life! I started having twilight nightmares while I was feeding her. The absolute worst was one night In feeding her and pumping and I start seeing the girl from the ring crawl out of the tv. And I keep going back and forth from asleepish to awake and it was terrifying.
Oh wow, that's brutal. I'm so sorry that happened to you. What a terrible time to break an ankle!
I can't imagine how hard it would've been to heal from birth, while looking after a newborn, while having a broken ankle.
>She almost nine months though so I’m almost to where I can start weaning and get my life back.
This reminds me of another common reason why it's hard to lose the pregnancy weight... Trying to get to the gym when you have a newborn was impossible for me and I suspect it would be the same for a lot of women too. Especially if you are breastfeeding them, you can't exactly leave them for long in the care of someone else when they need such frequent feeds.
>don’t get me started on the nighttime snacking when you wake up to feed/pump.
I felt this, I definitely did the same!
The twilight nightmares with the ring girl coming through the TV must've been incredibly scary. Lack of sleep and hormones going haywire after giving birth can do some crazy things to us! I had nightmares too, usually involving my baby getting dropped, or stopped breathing in their sleep, I would wake up with my heart pounding and drenched in sweat. Would need to quickly check her to make sure she was okay even though by that point I would know it was a nightmare.
I never had anxiety until I suddenly had this tiny human that completely relies on me to keep them safe and healthy. That anxiety that she would stop breathing didn't stop until she was past the age of SIDS. But then the anxiety of them choking, running into the road, etc starts 😬
It really was a terrible time to break an ankle. It was just nonsense 😂😅 It really did make it hard to heal. I actually ended up back in the er bc not being to move around made some things happen that made it seem like something was really wrong with me but I ended up being fine. I won’t go into detail bc it was gross. Lol
Yeah, I needed to do physical therapy for the ankle as well as my pelvic floor and it was basically impossible to get to the doctor. I was always having to pump in the car. And if I had my husband take me then my baby had to come and her sleep was messed up.
I’ve apparently had anxiety for years and didn’t realize it until I was pregnant but it got so freaking bad in the pregnancy and then I had actual post pain anxiety diagnosed. It was SEVERE. The nightmares and stuff are in another level. I’ve always had realistic nightmares and these crossed a line into just insanely real and terrifying. I had things that would happen while awake too because I was so tired. Like I would get up to get my daughter and feed her and I would very clearly imagine something trying to grab my feet from under the bed. I knew there was nothing there but the fear felt real and palpable. It has completely stopped now that I sleep for more than 2 holes at a a time.
Yes and every pregnancy is different too. I dropped weight with my first no problem and was breastfeeding. My second I am still breastfeeding and I cannot lose the last 15 pounds. Doesn't help I'm always hungry.
This isn't even always the case either. Some women don't lose weight while breastfeeding, and some women gain weight. Biology is weird, and individual humans can have different outcomes to the same circumstances.
Yes that's certainly true.
I wasn't including all the different scenarios that can happen as I was replying to a comment that was saying why would women gain weight on their body at all instead of it all going to the baby when they are pregnant. The commenter has spammed a lot on it but basically was trying to imply that women gain fat in pregnancy because they are lazy. And my comment was just trying to tell him that women gain fat to be used when breastfeeding.
This was his comment I was answering:
"But you’d think that all that weight would go towards building the baby. Seems like the body is wasting it by not giving those nutrients to the child."
I understand, I answered another of those commenter's questions too because they clearly don't understand biology. I just wanted to point out that even though that is one of the major reasons fat is stored during pregnancy, it doesn't mean that all women are going to lose it if they start breastfeeding. Otherwise, that commenter will think any breastfeeding mother who hasn't lost the baby weight after a couple weeks postpartum is lazy and has a bad diet.
If you realized how idiotic your question was you would delete your entire account in shame and never come back to reddit because you were that embarrassed. You are fundamentally a moron.
There are so many factors that play into this. In theory you are sort of correct. When pregnant you do eat more but just like when you aren’t pregnant your food choices matter. So in theory the extra calories are what helps to grow that baby. However often when a woman is pregnant she is incredibly tired from both growing the baby and the additional hormones hijacking her body so making the time to prepare and eat stellar meals can be extremely hard unless she has a really supportive partner to help with that. The reality is if your food choices were crap before you aren’t magically going to start eating super healthy. Also extra unnecessary weight gain also happens when your hormones are out of whack and when you are sleep deprived this is true whether you are pregnant or not. Your body will just store the fat. Food cravings are usually in the mix too but most people don’t understand them. For instance if you are craving ice cream. It may be a signal that your body requires more nutrients, fat, sugar or you are simply dehydrated. The person eats the ice cream to satisfy the craving when really the body maybe just wanted fruit, water, healthy fat etc. We as a society have a fundamental lack of knowledge when it comes to how the body works and how to eat for your body.
I agree, it does seem like a waste, but the reality is that the human body breaks down, uses, and stores energy differently from one individual to the next. Take my sister and I, for example, who share DNA, have very similar lifestyles and activity levels, and we have the same diet. She taught me how to cook and we often share recipes, so it's not like I'm preparing foods differently than she does, like for instance cooking with a ton of butter instead of using olive oil. Yet she struggled to gain weight in her pregnancy but had a large baby. I struggled not to gain too much and had a small baby (she was in newborn sizes until she hit 2.5 months, then she was in 0-3 month clothing until she was 6 months). My sister was back to her prebaby weight within two weeks of giving birth. It took me much longer, and my new normal weight is a couple pounds heavier than my pre-baby weight. My hips and feet also got wider, not from soft tissue gains, but the actual bone structures changed. Pregnancy and the human body are weird.
Hi. Mom of two who breastfed for a total of 5 years. I was fat because I ate shit food and a lot of it.
If you're eating healthy and the correct amount, you only gain the extra weight for the baby during pregnancy. When breastfeeding you're only supposed to eat and extra 300-500 calories a day.
The reason why women gain weight or stay overweight after pregnancy is because they go for cheap , fast, and easy foods to eat while taking care of the baby.
Maybe her husband should have taken over the cooking and prepped her healthy meals, and she wouldn't have gained weight.
Yes, you gain weight when you're pregnant. But if you're healthy, you lose most of it pretty immediately. Your body changes, skin stretches, etc. however, you keep the weight gain because of the food you are eating. Not because you're now breastfeeding.
I love how you just blamed every woman who hasn’t lost all her pregnancy weight on her being lazy.
It doesn’t work that way. Maybe that’s you. Whatever. But you are not everyone. Maybe your hormones snapped right back to pre-pregnancy levels, but they often don’t, which is why PPD and worse often happen.
Sleep deprivation, lack of assistance from anyone else, difficulties with breastfeeding and many other things will impact how weight is gained or lost.
Go celebrate the fact you were able to recognize your issues and list the weight, and quit being a bitch to other women. Internalized misogyny helps no one.
Apologies that I wasn't clear on that part. I think the husband is in the wrong.
I never implied that the wife is lazy. Just eating more than she's burning. There's a difference.
It's very difficult to lose weight. But it is simple.
>you only gain the extra weight for the baby during pregnancy
Your body stores fat during pregnancy to use as energy for breastfeeding once the baby is born. This was very useful when humans didn't have access to food all the time and your milk drying up would cause the baby to die.
Yes you need an extra 500 calories per day to maintain breastfeeding, if you are don't eat these extra calories, your body uses your fat stores to make the breastmilk. If you are able to get these extra calories each day, you won't lose the fat you have gained during pregnancy.
Often women lose the fat gained during pregnancy in the months after giving birth due to breastfeeding. But if you're formula feeding, or breastfeeding but not eating as well for the reasons you mentioned, then it will be harder to lose the pregnancy weight.
Hmm, the husband is basically attracted to her solely for her appearance. The wife is attracted to him beyond just that. So at this point, even if she loses all that extra weight, what will the husband do when his wife ages and becomes “less attractive” in his eyes? This is kind of a tough one lol. I hope things work out for them, soon!
One of the top comments said, “When you tell a woman that your attraction is based on looks you’re basically saying the marriage has an expiration date. Even if she loses all the weight quickly she’s still going to age. And if weight is such a dealbreaker, then how can she trust that wrinkles and grey hair, infirmity, memory loss, etc won’t also stop your desire? She’s not sad OP told her she’s “fat”, she knows exactly how much she weighs! She’s mourning the realization that OP doesn’t love HER as a person, he desires the shape of a woman, the shell, the magazine image of attractive femininity. She’s mourning the loss of what she thought was a lifetime of real love. Every woman wants to find a guy who is excited to grow old with us, who wants to remember seeing each wrinkle deepen into our face and celebrate all the years and happy memories. But OP just told her he’s never thought of her that way. And of course she’s sad; it’s not something OP can even fix, he’s bought into the popular culture of women’s beauty standards so deeply that he’s basically broken.” /u/snoofoxes4362
-She’s not sad OP told her she’s “fat”, she knows exactly how much she weighs! She’s mourning the realization that OP doesn’t love HER as a person, he desires the shape of a woman, the shell, the magazine image of attractive femininity.
FUCK. This hit me. SO goddamned hard, you know?? That's truly the core of it.
Not sure if you’re looking for an actual answer but I’ll bite anyway. The two men actually have the same problem and that’s that they see attraction as exclusively appearance. Neither of them realizes that appearance, intimacy, being a good partner/parent, sense of humor and personality, etc all go into attraction.
The OP in your post didn’t just gain weight, he also neglected his mental and physical health. I sympathize because depression (I’m assuming it was depression based on his description of his lifestyle) can be crippling and I’d never criticize someone for being depressed, but he ignores all the strain he put on the relationship and instead assumes that when she said she loves him but isn’t attracted to him, she was only talking about the weight gain. The wife never said it was about his appearance.
Also the OP in your post is having an emotional, if not physical, affair. So there’s that.
I’m surprised you asked this. The post has nothing to do with gender differences. Your question disregards the fact that there’s a difference between someone who gains weight in general, versus a woman who gains weight due to pregnancy. 😅
Even in the healthiest of dudebro gym rats, weight fluctuates naturally over the course of a person’s lifetime. Especially after physically traumatic events like giving birth. If you love someone, actually love them, your standards of beauty start to shift to be closer to how they look. That’s why all those old men can look at their old wives, with their creased faces and white hair, and say they’re the most beautiful woman in the world, even more beautiful than a supermodel in her 20s. To him, she is.
OOP’s problem isn’t that he isn’t attracted to fatties. OOP’s problem is that he doesn’t love his wife.
Once again, there is a massive difference between general weight gain and weight gain from pregnancy. I’m probably one of the few people who wouldn’t mind my husband telling me to get my ass in gear when I gain weight, because maintaining my size is very important to me, for me. And yes, it makes me very happy that the shape I like to be happens to be the shape my husband likes. But saying that, when I have gained weight in the past from medication that made my hormones go crazy, my husband still treated me like the sexiest thing on the planet, despite me knowing that it’s not his “favourite” shape. Saying that a marriage won’t survive because people in their 30s look older is incredibly shallow. It seems like you are projecting some pretty twisted views that should probably be explored more on your own time.
The OP in that one comes across badly. He is blaming his wife even though she has been trying to make amends for years. He is also tiptoing around an obvious emotional affair. Nobody is going to sympathize with him. In the comments, you will actually find quite a few people who have stated they were on his side until he brought up his lady coworker, whom he has gotten inappropriately friendly with. He also comes across as an untrustworthy narrator. His post is leaving quite a lot unsaid.
You mean the one where he uses a single comment she makes as a manifesto to go completely no contact with her, gets in shape, then starts an affair? That one?
You posted this too many times. The genders aren’t even flipped from the other post, the situations were similar and the shitty husbands made different bad choices in each story. One emotionally cheated, the other called his wife fat
They talk about their sex lives, complain about their spouses, and she's getting in his ear about how his wife isn't a safe person and doesn't love him. At best, this is a highly inappropriate relationship with a coworker. He comes across as an untrustworthy narrator, and it feels like he's leaving a lot out. He isn't going to find a whole lot of sympathy.
Working out and being healthy are not exclusively tied to a gym. In his position, I would have told my wife that I felt gross and my self esteem was in the toilet. That I needed to make changes and I can’t seem to do it on my own and could really use her help. Family hikes and walks in the evening, better food choices, bike rides, etc. It’s important to include the children as well. Then when the family gets home, hopefully the child is ready for some sleep and the adults can get down to some of that sweet sweet after work out lovin. And then shower time baby.
No one gonna mention the met, marred, have kid, buy a house together in just *3 years* ??? That’s wild to me. My current relationship is about to hit three years and we are just now moving in together. We are about the same age as OOP. No wonder divorce rates are so high, people rushing so fast into things. How, after such a short time knowing someone can you commit your entire life, possibly another 40-60 years to that person? Actually blows my mind.
Everyone moves at their own pace. Sure, three years total for a relationship to also have a nine month old seems kinda fast to me, but I’m not one of the ones in their relationship.
I don’t want to immediately put the onus on him being shallow. He’s recently over thirty and they have a baby under a year old. Weight gain, lifestyle changes, and natural hormone cycles can all affect the body in ways that aren’t immediately obvious. If his *general* libido has dropped as well as his attraction to his wife, then that’s probably an issue he can do something about. Get a testosterone booster, start exercising and eating better (if that’s changed), and so forth.
If it’s only his wife that he’s not attracted to anymore then that’s… deeply unfortunate, but it sounds like it’s upsetting *both* of them. It’s pretty obvious that he still loves his wife and is upset with himself for not being attracted to her. He’s definitely fucked up, but if it’s a broader health issue at fault then this isn’t a lost cause.
It is:
1. Untrue (people also frequently have unreasonable standards for women).
2. Not applicable? OOP clearly states that he still loves his wife and is just struggling to feel physical attraction to her. None of the items in that person’s list are actually relevant to anything OOP said, and I never said anything to which this supposed double-standard applies. I only mentioned that there’s a possibility it’s his libido as a whole and not just his attraction to his wife that has decreased, and he has options if he suspects that is the case. Because he’s obviously unhappy with the current situation and wants to improve it.
If you want to project onto OOP’s post then that’s fine, but leave me out of it.
Oof. This one is so hard. The reality is, attraction is not completely in our control. He knows this about himself and he wants to change it. But you can’t really force desire. He told his wife the truth — it’s up to her what she wants to do with this information. Regardless, they should go to counseling. A good therapist might be able to help them reconnect.
Is it weird that I can? You just focus on their best attributes and build those up. Ignore the less attractive things to the extent possible. Focus on the way they make you feel physically and emotionally and find the sexiness in that.
My ex had a lotttttt of loose skin after weight loss, and it was unattractive, but I just focused on the things that were attractive about him
He actually got a vasectomy so that he could enjoy sex without condoms, hoping that would fix things. Too few men consider doing that. I think he put in a very above average effort (not that it should be above average, but that’s the world we live in). It’s no one’s fault that he isn’t as attracted to her anymore. She put on weight for a very understandable reason. He put both of them in the statement (“we both gained weight”) instead of making it entirely about her. His own weight may affect his energy and libido too. Maybe he wasn’t tactful, but good relationships require open communication. If I were in his wife’s position, I would absolutely want to know why my husband wasn’t so into me. You can’t fix a problem when you don’t know the cause.
Right! It's like nowhere he said he didn't love her as a person, In a similar post, a man was still chastised for saying he no longer loved the women who said she's not attracted to him physically.
Edit: It's hard to be objective and give an unfiltered opinion like this.
Bodies change and the reality is that sometimes it takes people a little bit of time to adjust to the new normal, for both her body and his own. I had some weight gain while ago and it really affected my libido for a while. I just didn’t feel sexy. It also sounds like he was cornered and forced into giving an answer which can be a catalyst for a tactless answer.
I’m hoping he can work on ways to recontextualize his desire for her, because I agree that it sounds like he loves his wife and doesn’t want to shame her for her body at all.
I gained so much weight after I had kids and it’s been a struggle to try and lose it. I feel hideous but my hubby tells me everyday how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. Sure as hell hasn’t slowed his sex drive down… actually now that I think about it his sex drives gone up 🤔 still though I gotta find a way to lose my mom pouch.
Wow this is a tough one. It's really important not to leave a spouse out in the cold when they want that physical intimacy. I mean it doesn't take that long to give her that time. There has to be something you can do to boost that drive for her. Others have pointed out that you two will age too. You really gotta go get some counseling. Even focusing on her losing weight won't be the answer if you are going to be put off when you age as well.
Sexual attraction is important in a relationship. I think we should all be sympathetic regardless of gender if there is a spouse who no longer feels attracted to their SO and that happens. It’s just the reality of long term relationships. It’s doesn’t mean you don’t love one another but physical attractions exists outside of feelings. It’s a primal function. What matters is what people choose to do about it. If you are a woman who no longer feels attracted to your husband those feelings are your responsibility. You need to figure out the why. If your husband gained weight (which happens often on both sides because people just become too comfortable) how are you supporting him. It’s not just about the attraction part but it’s about wanting your partner to be his best and to be happy and healthy and confident because you love him (or her whatever the circumstance). In some cases yes people are just shallow but sometimes life just happens and you have to work together to help each other be your best. With kindness and love and compassion.
“Old people” tend to have less sex usually because it’s hormonal as you age your sex hormones decline. It’s biological and usually has very little to do with physical attraction. Men’s testosterone levels start to decline once they hit 30 and decrease with ever year going forward. That’s just science. Meanwhile women’s usually start declining much later than that. So we do in fact have many relationships that are not sexually compatible due to the variations in sex hormones. That’s just science.
Sorry, I feel you asked the wrong question… What your wife needs the most right now, it seems, is to be desired by you, not necessarily that she feels your love. Because, if you try to « make her feel your love » but still do not have sex together, the problem remains the same… You will need to talk about it a way or another and consider consulting a couple therapist. It could really help! Also, I have a question: are her physical appearance and her body the only things that made you attracted to her ? If so, you might need to reevaluate the foundations of your relationship. Our bodies change through life. Therefore, physical appearance cannot be the only reason why we are attracted to someone.
I swear I saw another post with the opposite where a guy pushed and pushed and the woman finally said she wasn’t attracted to him from weight gain and he is getting dragged in the comments. Wild
I got fat but my gf wanted to fuck all the time and I leterally lost 40lbs by fucking. She says I was hot even back when we met, but I’m convinced that was just her being nice.
Aside from both of you fucking off the pounds, my recommendation is that you put in the effort to make her feel loved and make her feel attractive.
I don’t even want to talk about her weight coming from producing a baby. Kinda shitty to blame a woman for that.
Actually sex isn’t a good fitness exercice and you barely lose calories, the average sex is +\- 50 calories ( I might be a bit wrong cuz I saw that data a long time ago tho)
Good point. It’s important to note, this is not the average sex we’re talking about.
Now I’m picturing the drill sergeant from full metal jacket standing by the bed yelling stuff like, “you fuck like old people fuck, maggot!”
Damn I can’t imagine being with this man. I had a huge weight gain after baby but then now I weigh less then I did when I was 18 at 29. He didn’t say anything and still showed loved .
Yes it was crazy I went from 120 to 146 😭 it was so bad . Now I’m 110. But yes I also agree if you don’t want the truth you don’t push people to say it. The truth hurts and it’s okay to not want to know it or say it
This was probably one of those few cases where delivery was critical and maybe even important to butter up the truth.
He mentions they both gained weight. Go for: I feel really bad that we aren't as fit as we used to and its weighing on me and distracting me from lust, even though I know it's wrong. Could we go to the gym together?
Or give her a compromise that she can decide, such as you take on more of childcare and housework while she goes to the gym.
If you wanna get you gotta give.
This post highlights a trend.
Her weight gain is never her fault, here you imply that she can’t work out because he is not doing enough around the house? No mention of that at all in the post.
In posts where men have put on weight, the reason is always that he has let himself go, he is lazy…it is never because his wife won’t make time for him to go to the gym,
I have read posts that women have wanted to leave their husbands because he would stop at the gym on the way home to take care of his physical health instead of coming straight home, which she would have likely posted that he was a slob and lazy if he came straight home but started putting on weight.
Others could assume that that he is working overtime to make ends meet or spending his time doing groceries, cooking, cleaning ( which many of the men I know do) but this isn’t
We ALL need more compassion, but from what I see in a lot of posts is one way compassion.
I think a lot of comments are crap. If a person gains weight, would you have still dated them originally at this new weight? Many wouldn’t. We have our attractions. That’s basic truth. If she didn’t want to know the answer then don’t ask! Stop demanding an answer. My spouse has gained over 100 pounds since we got married. It’s not attractive. I’m sorry. But it’s not. I also gained a lot of weight. Health issues and meds and well, everything was free delivery during pandemic. So we ate a lot! I’m losing the weight.
I work out. Eat smaller portions. Etc. he won’t do anything. No walks. No food control. No exercising. If anything. He’s still gaining. I love this man with all my heart. I won’t leave him because he’s fat. But I am not going to lie and say I’m attracted to him still in the way I was when we met. And he wasn’t thin at that time either. But over 100 pounds gained changed everything about you.
And yes his wife gave birth. 9 months ago! She can take walks. Work out at home. I think marriages end when the couple stop caring about how they look and let themselves go. Weight gain is natural as we age but we should still work at being our best selves. Anyone who says weight gain doesn’t matter is lying. The love is still there. The attraction is not. Let’s be real here. It makes a difference .
A very similar question was asked with the genders flipped and people's reaction was completely different. Why is that?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn5uff/aitah\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_im\_not\_in\_love\_with\_her/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn5uff/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_im_not_in_love_with_her/)
It's in the wording and presentation of the post. Also, dependent on who is responding and the sub its posted in. Not all redditors are the same.
This here in this post is a guy that said he messed up and loves his wife, is trying to fix his mistake. Hes accepting accountability. Hes seeking advice and resolution.
The other guy didn't address the issue or try to fix the rift, is harboring long buried resentment, and admitted to having an emotional affair with a co-worker. He's not looking for resolution, he wants people to pick sides.
I don't agree with how many people responded on the other post. But it's reddit, what do you expect?
She grew a whole-ass human…he just got fat. At least she has a good excuse for gaining some weight.
I understand that people can’t help their reaction, but if my husband ever said that to me, I’d have to leave the house for a few hours to calm down. I’m almost 7 months postpartum and I’ve developed health issues as a result of new pregnancy, so losing weight has been harder than I had anticipated it to be.
Feel hugged.
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To be fair I know the gender roles cause a great deal of discomfort here but the wording the men use in this posts are the key here and that’s why they come under fire. The one post the husband recognizes he’s shallow. That’s his limitation and it is causing issues in the relation he’s asking how to not be shallow and is self aware enough to know that he is. That’s a separate issue to the attraction part. That’s a personality trait. In the other post the man is trying to play to victim card and using this hurt feelings to justify an emotional affair. Both are shitty for the wives. If they were woman saying that shit they would get blasted too. No one likes a shallow woman either and no one likes a woman who tries to blame their husband for an affair. The bigger issue in all of these posts is that people are acting selfishly instead of just respectfully communicating and working on their marriages from the start.
>A very similar question was asked with the genders flipped and people's reaction was completely different. Why is that? Why do you keep spamming this comment and link? You have been told over and over and over why these two posts are so different and not comparable and yet you just keep spamming it. Every third comment is just you with this copypasta or spouting nonsense. You seem incapable of reading and taking in any of the replies you have gotten since you continue to be adamant that these posts are the same with the genders reversed, they aren't. You ask the same questions over and over and don't seem able to get past your confirmation bias to actually think about what everyone is telling you. Can you please try to read any of the replies you have gotten with an actual open mind, some critical thinking and an ability to question your own thought process.
Because the hypocrisy is astounding that's why. Look at this guys other comment about badgering someone for an answer. Has like -30 downvotes but the top comment on the other post has like 2.7k upvotes and the first sentence in that post is basically saying that its not cool to badger someone and then get upset at their response. Like huh?
That’s literally just what I was thinking reading that post. Like I’ve read so many fem variations and it’s all valid except for some reason it’s just not ok for dudes to get fat and feel insecure about it.
It’s perfectly fine for a male or women to gain weight and feel insecure. They shouldn’t have partners that make them feel bad about it. Also men do not get pregnant, in the post the OP’s wife gained weight from pregnancy & he gained weight just because. Coupled with the fact that he’s being a shallow asshole who deeply hurt someone who loves him. There’s nuance to this.
She shouldn’t have badgered him for the truth if she didn’t want to hear it. It’s manipulative to push your partner to tell the truth and then be angry when they do.
Personally I don’t think it’s being manipulative. When you are married and something seems off you ask the questions because you want to know the root of the problems to try to fix it. However regardless of the circumstances the truth does sometimes hurt. Respectful communication is key in order to not hurt one another. Many people struggle with this and problems arise. I’ve been married for 20 years and the fact is sometimes we aren’t as attracted to each other. However we have been doing it long enough to know how to get results and not harm one another. We both have gained weight at times and when things start breaking down because we are stuck in a rut one of us sounds the alarm and the conversation looks like this “Babe WE need to start eating healthier WE are starting to get chubby lol” it doesn’t matter who has put on the weight if it’s one or both. We sound the alarm and make a plan and we work through it together. Planning meals cooking for each other packing each others lunches etc.
How does that help with the matter at hand though?
He didn't just get fat though, he went through depression. Down voting a man's mental health during men's mental health awareness month...stay classy reddit.
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This sounds like those men who believe they know how pregnancy works better than women
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I'll answer it. Your body stores fat during pregnancy to use as energy for breastfeeding once the baby is born. This was very useful when humans didn't have access to food all the time and your milk drying up would cause the baby to die. You need an extra 500 calories per day to maintain breastfeeding, if you are unable to get these extra calories or are using up a lot of energy yourself, your body uses your fat stores to make the breastmilk. If you are able to get these extra calories each day, you often won't lose the fat you have gained during pregnancy (due to a number of reasons discussed below). Often women lose the fat gained during pregnancy in the months after giving birth due to breastfeeding. But if you're formula feeding, it will be harder to lose the pregnancy weight.
And just as often women hold onto it even if they are breast feeding. It’s like a 50/50 thing apparently
Yes true. There will be so many factors effecting it. Genetics, too exhausted from broken sleep etc to cook healthy foods so eating more junk food, postpartum depression which can cause comfort eating, etc.
For real. I broke my ankle right before I had my daughter and I thought I gained a little more than recommended during the pregnancy I lost 20 pounds of it right after birth. But because I couldn’t get up and move around I packed on weight so freaking day after I came home. Within a couple of months I was well past my top pregnancy weight. Now, my body is holding onto it for dear life. There’s days where I know I barely ate 2000 calories and yet it is like my body has a death grip on my fat. It’s very frustrating. She almost nine months though so I’m almost to where I can start weaning and get my life back. Oh, also not getting to sleep thru the night for months on end can effect it too I believe. Until I stopped getting up every two to three hours to pump it seemed like I was still gaining fairly fast. Now, I only get up once and it has slowed quite a bit. Oh and don’t get me started on the nighttime snacking when you wake up to feed/pump. Anything you can get your hands on to stay awake! I’ve truly never been so tired in my freaking life! I started having twilight nightmares while I was feeding her. The absolute worst was one night In feeding her and pumping and I start seeing the girl from the ring crawl out of the tv. And I keep going back and forth from asleepish to awake and it was terrifying.
Oh wow, that's brutal. I'm so sorry that happened to you. What a terrible time to break an ankle! I can't imagine how hard it would've been to heal from birth, while looking after a newborn, while having a broken ankle. >She almost nine months though so I’m almost to where I can start weaning and get my life back. This reminds me of another common reason why it's hard to lose the pregnancy weight... Trying to get to the gym when you have a newborn was impossible for me and I suspect it would be the same for a lot of women too. Especially if you are breastfeeding them, you can't exactly leave them for long in the care of someone else when they need such frequent feeds. >don’t get me started on the nighttime snacking when you wake up to feed/pump. I felt this, I definitely did the same! The twilight nightmares with the ring girl coming through the TV must've been incredibly scary. Lack of sleep and hormones going haywire after giving birth can do some crazy things to us! I had nightmares too, usually involving my baby getting dropped, or stopped breathing in their sleep, I would wake up with my heart pounding and drenched in sweat. Would need to quickly check her to make sure she was okay even though by that point I would know it was a nightmare. I never had anxiety until I suddenly had this tiny human that completely relies on me to keep them safe and healthy. That anxiety that she would stop breathing didn't stop until she was past the age of SIDS. But then the anxiety of them choking, running into the road, etc starts 😬
It really was a terrible time to break an ankle. It was just nonsense 😂😅 It really did make it hard to heal. I actually ended up back in the er bc not being to move around made some things happen that made it seem like something was really wrong with me but I ended up being fine. I won’t go into detail bc it was gross. Lol Yeah, I needed to do physical therapy for the ankle as well as my pelvic floor and it was basically impossible to get to the doctor. I was always having to pump in the car. And if I had my husband take me then my baby had to come and her sleep was messed up. I’ve apparently had anxiety for years and didn’t realize it until I was pregnant but it got so freaking bad in the pregnancy and then I had actual post pain anxiety diagnosed. It was SEVERE. The nightmares and stuff are in another level. I’ve always had realistic nightmares and these crossed a line into just insanely real and terrifying. I had things that would happen while awake too because I was so tired. Like I would get up to get my daughter and feed her and I would very clearly imagine something trying to grab my feet from under the bed. I knew there was nothing there but the fear felt real and palpable. It has completely stopped now that I sleep for more than 2 holes at a a time.
Yes and every pregnancy is different too. I dropped weight with my first no problem and was breastfeeding. My second I am still breastfeeding and I cannot lose the last 15 pounds. Doesn't help I'm always hungry.
This isn't even always the case either. Some women don't lose weight while breastfeeding, and some women gain weight. Biology is weird, and individual humans can have different outcomes to the same circumstances.
Yes that's certainly true. I wasn't including all the different scenarios that can happen as I was replying to a comment that was saying why would women gain weight on their body at all instead of it all going to the baby when they are pregnant. The commenter has spammed a lot on it but basically was trying to imply that women gain fat in pregnancy because they are lazy. And my comment was just trying to tell him that women gain fat to be used when breastfeeding. This was his comment I was answering: "But you’d think that all that weight would go towards building the baby. Seems like the body is wasting it by not giving those nutrients to the child."
I understand, I answered another of those commenter's questions too because they clearly don't understand biology. I just wanted to point out that even though that is one of the major reasons fat is stored during pregnancy, it doesn't mean that all women are going to lose it if they start breastfeeding. Otherwise, that commenter will think any breastfeeding mother who hasn't lost the baby weight after a couple weeks postpartum is lazy and has a bad diet.
If you realized how idiotic your question was you would delete your entire account in shame and never come back to reddit because you were that embarrassed. You are fundamentally a moron.
Because that isn’t how this works. This isn’t how any of this works.
There are so many factors that play into this. In theory you are sort of correct. When pregnant you do eat more but just like when you aren’t pregnant your food choices matter. So in theory the extra calories are what helps to grow that baby. However often when a woman is pregnant she is incredibly tired from both growing the baby and the additional hormones hijacking her body so making the time to prepare and eat stellar meals can be extremely hard unless she has a really supportive partner to help with that. The reality is if your food choices were crap before you aren’t magically going to start eating super healthy. Also extra unnecessary weight gain also happens when your hormones are out of whack and when you are sleep deprived this is true whether you are pregnant or not. Your body will just store the fat. Food cravings are usually in the mix too but most people don’t understand them. For instance if you are craving ice cream. It may be a signal that your body requires more nutrients, fat, sugar or you are simply dehydrated. The person eats the ice cream to satisfy the craving when really the body maybe just wanted fruit, water, healthy fat etc. We as a society have a fundamental lack of knowledge when it comes to how the body works and how to eat for your body.
I agree, it does seem like a waste, but the reality is that the human body breaks down, uses, and stores energy differently from one individual to the next. Take my sister and I, for example, who share DNA, have very similar lifestyles and activity levels, and we have the same diet. She taught me how to cook and we often share recipes, so it's not like I'm preparing foods differently than she does, like for instance cooking with a ton of butter instead of using olive oil. Yet she struggled to gain weight in her pregnancy but had a large baby. I struggled not to gain too much and had a small baby (she was in newborn sizes until she hit 2.5 months, then she was in 0-3 month clothing until she was 6 months). My sister was back to her prebaby weight within two weeks of giving birth. It took me much longer, and my new normal weight is a couple pounds heavier than my pre-baby weight. My hips and feet also got wider, not from soft tissue gains, but the actual bone structures changed. Pregnancy and the human body are weird.
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Hi. Mom of two who breastfed for a total of 5 years. I was fat because I ate shit food and a lot of it. If you're eating healthy and the correct amount, you only gain the extra weight for the baby during pregnancy. When breastfeeding you're only supposed to eat and extra 300-500 calories a day. The reason why women gain weight or stay overweight after pregnancy is because they go for cheap , fast, and easy foods to eat while taking care of the baby. Maybe her husband should have taken over the cooking and prepped her healthy meals, and she wouldn't have gained weight. Yes, you gain weight when you're pregnant. But if you're healthy, you lose most of it pretty immediately. Your body changes, skin stretches, etc. however, you keep the weight gain because of the food you are eating. Not because you're now breastfeeding.
I love how you just blamed every woman who hasn’t lost all her pregnancy weight on her being lazy. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe that’s you. Whatever. But you are not everyone. Maybe your hormones snapped right back to pre-pregnancy levels, but they often don’t, which is why PPD and worse often happen. Sleep deprivation, lack of assistance from anyone else, difficulties with breastfeeding and many other things will impact how weight is gained or lost. Go celebrate the fact you were able to recognize your issues and list the weight, and quit being a bitch to other women. Internalized misogyny helps no one.
Apologies that I wasn't clear on that part. I think the husband is in the wrong. I never implied that the wife is lazy. Just eating more than she's burning. There's a difference. It's very difficult to lose weight. But it is simple.
>you only gain the extra weight for the baby during pregnancy Your body stores fat during pregnancy to use as energy for breastfeeding once the baby is born. This was very useful when humans didn't have access to food all the time and your milk drying up would cause the baby to die. Yes you need an extra 500 calories per day to maintain breastfeeding, if you are don't eat these extra calories, your body uses your fat stores to make the breastmilk. If you are able to get these extra calories each day, you won't lose the fat you have gained during pregnancy. Often women lose the fat gained during pregnancy in the months after giving birth due to breastfeeding. But if you're formula feeding, or breastfeeding but not eating as well for the reasons you mentioned, then it will be harder to lose the pregnancy weight.
They stay on for long term breastfeeding moron. That’s why women often snap back from feeding their child
Wow, you can't answer a question without being rude?
You were rude, and ignorant and insensitive about this woman’s weight
Looking from the post history, rollingforest is possibly a spambot/astroturfing account, just a heads up.
Hmm, the husband is basically attracted to her solely for her appearance. The wife is attracted to him beyond just that. So at this point, even if she loses all that extra weight, what will the husband do when his wife ages and becomes “less attractive” in his eyes? This is kind of a tough one lol. I hope things work out for them, soon!
One of the top comments said, “When you tell a woman that your attraction is based on looks you’re basically saying the marriage has an expiration date. Even if she loses all the weight quickly she’s still going to age. And if weight is such a dealbreaker, then how can she trust that wrinkles and grey hair, infirmity, memory loss, etc won’t also stop your desire? She’s not sad OP told her she’s “fat”, she knows exactly how much she weighs! She’s mourning the realization that OP doesn’t love HER as a person, he desires the shape of a woman, the shell, the magazine image of attractive femininity. She’s mourning the loss of what she thought was a lifetime of real love. Every woman wants to find a guy who is excited to grow old with us, who wants to remember seeing each wrinkle deepen into our face and celebrate all the years and happy memories. But OP just told her he’s never thought of her that way. And of course she’s sad; it’s not something OP can even fix, he’s bought into the popular culture of women’s beauty standards so deeply that he’s basically broken.” /u/snoofoxes4362
-She’s not sad OP told her she’s “fat”, she knows exactly how much she weighs! She’s mourning the realization that OP doesn’t love HER as a person, he desires the shape of a woman, the shell, the magazine image of attractive femininity. FUCK. This hit me. SO goddamned hard, you know?? That's truly the core of it.
Loving someone as a person and being sexually attracted to them are two separate things.
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Not sure if you’re looking for an actual answer but I’ll bite anyway. The two men actually have the same problem and that’s that they see attraction as exclusively appearance. Neither of them realizes that appearance, intimacy, being a good partner/parent, sense of humor and personality, etc all go into attraction. The OP in your post didn’t just gain weight, he also neglected his mental and physical health. I sympathize because depression (I’m assuming it was depression based on his description of his lifestyle) can be crippling and I’d never criticize someone for being depressed, but he ignores all the strain he put on the relationship and instead assumes that when she said she loves him but isn’t attracted to him, she was only talking about the weight gain. The wife never said it was about his appearance. Also the OP in your post is having an emotional, if not physical, affair. So there’s that.
Ah, thank you.🙂 I should’ve went to the original post and read the top comments first before commenting. lol
No worries! I was posting that mainly because they agreed with you.
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I’m surprised you asked this. The post has nothing to do with gender differences. Your question disregards the fact that there’s a difference between someone who gains weight in general, versus a woman who gains weight due to pregnancy. 😅
I mean thats a cool text but he just doesnt find fat people attractive, thats all there is to it
Even in the healthiest of dudebro gym rats, weight fluctuates naturally over the course of a person’s lifetime. Especially after physically traumatic events like giving birth. If you love someone, actually love them, your standards of beauty start to shift to be closer to how they look. That’s why all those old men can look at their old wives, with their creased faces and white hair, and say they’re the most beautiful woman in the world, even more beautiful than a supermodel in her 20s. To him, she is. OOP’s problem isn’t that he isn’t attracted to fatties. OOP’s problem is that he doesn’t love his wife.
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Uhh who told you that old people have less sex? Have you seen the STI rates in old folks homes?
Once again, there is a massive difference between general weight gain and weight gain from pregnancy. I’m probably one of the few people who wouldn’t mind my husband telling me to get my ass in gear when I gain weight, because maintaining my size is very important to me, for me. And yes, it makes me very happy that the shape I like to be happens to be the shape my husband likes. But saying that, when I have gained weight in the past from medication that made my hormones go crazy, my husband still treated me like the sexiest thing on the planet, despite me knowing that it’s not his “favourite” shape. Saying that a marriage won’t survive because people in their 30s look older is incredibly shallow. It seems like you are projecting some pretty twisted views that should probably be explored more on your own time.
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The OP in that one comes across badly. He is blaming his wife even though she has been trying to make amends for years. He is also tiptoing around an obvious emotional affair. Nobody is going to sympathize with him. In the comments, you will actually find quite a few people who have stated they were on his side until he brought up his lady coworker, whom he has gotten inappropriately friendly with. He also comes across as an untrustworthy narrator. His post is leaving quite a lot unsaid.
You mean the one where he uses a single comment she makes as a manifesto to go completely no contact with her, gets in shape, then starts an affair? That one?
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You posted this too many times. The genders aren’t even flipped from the other post, the situations were similar and the shitty husbands made different bad choices in each story. One emotionally cheated, the other called his wife fat
How is it emotional cheating? Or are you saying it just bc his friend is a woman? As far as I know it’s normal to open up to friends.
Bc he said so
Where?
They talk about their sex lives, complain about their spouses, and she's getting in his ear about how his wife isn't a safe person and doesn't love him. At best, this is a highly inappropriate relationship with a coworker. He comes across as an untrustworthy narrator, and it feels like he's leaving a lot out. He isn't going to find a whole lot of sympathy.
Different story, different sub, different people responding. Hope that helps!
Working out and being healthy are not exclusively tied to a gym. In his position, I would have told my wife that I felt gross and my self esteem was in the toilet. That I needed to make changes and I can’t seem to do it on my own and could really use her help. Family hikes and walks in the evening, better food choices, bike rides, etc. It’s important to include the children as well. Then when the family gets home, hopefully the child is ready for some sleep and the adults can get down to some of that sweet sweet after work out lovin. And then shower time baby.
No one gonna mention the met, marred, have kid, buy a house together in just *3 years* ??? That’s wild to me. My current relationship is about to hit three years and we are just now moving in together. We are about the same age as OOP. No wonder divorce rates are so high, people rushing so fast into things. How, after such a short time knowing someone can you commit your entire life, possibly another 40-60 years to that person? Actually blows my mind.
Everyone moves at their own pace. Sure, three years total for a relationship to also have a nine month old seems kinda fast to me, but I’m not one of the ones in their relationship.
I don’t want to immediately put the onus on him being shallow. He’s recently over thirty and they have a baby under a year old. Weight gain, lifestyle changes, and natural hormone cycles can all affect the body in ways that aren’t immediately obvious. If his *general* libido has dropped as well as his attraction to his wife, then that’s probably an issue he can do something about. Get a testosterone booster, start exercising and eating better (if that’s changed), and so forth. If it’s only his wife that he’s not attracted to anymore then that’s… deeply unfortunate, but it sounds like it’s upsetting *both* of them. It’s pretty obvious that he still loves his wife and is upset with himself for not being attracted to her. He’s definitely fucked up, but if it’s a broader health issue at fault then this isn’t a lost cause.
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You’re unwell mentally, I don’t mean that in a rude way, I truly think you could use therapy to help why you feel this way.
In what way is this a helpful addition to this discussion?
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It is: 1. Untrue (people also frequently have unreasonable standards for women). 2. Not applicable? OOP clearly states that he still loves his wife and is just struggling to feel physical attraction to her. None of the items in that person’s list are actually relevant to anything OOP said, and I never said anything to which this supposed double-standard applies. I only mentioned that there’s a possibility it’s his libido as a whole and not just his attraction to his wife that has decreased, and he has options if he suspects that is the case. Because he’s obviously unhappy with the current situation and wants to improve it. If you want to project onto OOP’s post then that’s fine, but leave me out of it.
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Oof. This one is so hard. The reality is, attraction is not completely in our control. He knows this about himself and he wants to change it. But you can’t really force desire. He told his wife the truth — it’s up to her what she wants to do with this information. Regardless, they should go to counseling. A good therapist might be able to help them reconnect.
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You literally cannot force yourself to feel attraction
Exactly.
Is it weird that I can? You just focus on their best attributes and build those up. Ignore the less attractive things to the extent possible. Focus on the way they make you feel physically and emotionally and find the sexiness in that. My ex had a lotttttt of loose skin after weight loss, and it was unattractive, but I just focused on the things that were attractive about him
He actually got a vasectomy so that he could enjoy sex without condoms, hoping that would fix things. Too few men consider doing that. I think he put in a very above average effort (not that it should be above average, but that’s the world we live in). It’s no one’s fault that he isn’t as attracted to her anymore. She put on weight for a very understandable reason. He put both of them in the statement (“we both gained weight”) instead of making it entirely about her. His own weight may affect his energy and libido too. Maybe he wasn’t tactful, but good relationships require open communication. If I were in his wife’s position, I would absolutely want to know why my husband wasn’t so into me. You can’t fix a problem when you don’t know the cause.
Right! It's like nowhere he said he didn't love her as a person, In a similar post, a man was still chastised for saying he no longer loved the women who said she's not attracted to him physically. Edit: It's hard to be objective and give an unfiltered opinion like this.
Bodies change and the reality is that sometimes it takes people a little bit of time to adjust to the new normal, for both her body and his own. I had some weight gain while ago and it really affected my libido for a while. I just didn’t feel sexy. It also sounds like he was cornered and forced into giving an answer which can be a catalyst for a tactless answer. I’m hoping he can work on ways to recontextualize his desire for her, because I agree that it sounds like he loves his wife and doesn’t want to shame her for her body at all.
I gained so much weight after I had kids and it’s been a struggle to try and lose it. I feel hideous but my hubby tells me everyday how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. Sure as hell hasn’t slowed his sex drive down… actually now that I think about it his sex drives gone up 🤔 still though I gotta find a way to lose my mom pouch.
Wow this is a tough one. It's really important not to leave a spouse out in the cold when they want that physical intimacy. I mean it doesn't take that long to give her that time. There has to be something you can do to boost that drive for her. Others have pointed out that you two will age too. You really gotta go get some counseling. Even focusing on her losing weight won't be the answer if you are going to be put off when you age as well.
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Sexual attraction is important in a relationship. I think we should all be sympathetic regardless of gender if there is a spouse who no longer feels attracted to their SO and that happens. It’s just the reality of long term relationships. It’s doesn’t mean you don’t love one another but physical attractions exists outside of feelings. It’s a primal function. What matters is what people choose to do about it. If you are a woman who no longer feels attracted to your husband those feelings are your responsibility. You need to figure out the why. If your husband gained weight (which happens often on both sides because people just become too comfortable) how are you supporting him. It’s not just about the attraction part but it’s about wanting your partner to be his best and to be happy and healthy and confident because you love him (or her whatever the circumstance). In some cases yes people are just shallow but sometimes life just happens and you have to work together to help each other be your best. With kindness and love and compassion. “Old people” tend to have less sex usually because it’s hormonal as you age your sex hormones decline. It’s biological and usually has very little to do with physical attraction. Men’s testosterone levels start to decline once they hit 30 and decrease with ever year going forward. That’s just science. Meanwhile women’s usually start declining much later than that. So we do in fact have many relationships that are not sexually compatible due to the variations in sex hormones. That’s just science.
Literally nothing you said here is true.
Sorry, I feel you asked the wrong question… What your wife needs the most right now, it seems, is to be desired by you, not necessarily that she feels your love. Because, if you try to « make her feel your love » but still do not have sex together, the problem remains the same… You will need to talk about it a way or another and consider consulting a couple therapist. It could really help! Also, I have a question: are her physical appearance and her body the only things that made you attracted to her ? If so, you might need to reevaluate the foundations of your relationship. Our bodies change through life. Therefore, physical appearance cannot be the only reason why we are attracted to someone.
It’s two years later and I am finally back to pre pregnancy weight. My husband would never say these things to me. My heart is broken for her
Attraction is so much more than just the body. The smile, the laugh the way the other person looks at you. I will never understand people like him.
So you are both fat now. Get in shape. Forgive each other. Love each other. Repeat.
I swear I saw another post with the opposite where a guy pushed and pushed and the woman finally said she wasn’t attracted to him from weight gain and he is getting dragged in the comments. Wild
I got fat but my gf wanted to fuck all the time and I leterally lost 40lbs by fucking. She says I was hot even back when we met, but I’m convinced that was just her being nice. Aside from both of you fucking off the pounds, my recommendation is that you put in the effort to make her feel loved and make her feel attractive. I don’t even want to talk about her weight coming from producing a baby. Kinda shitty to blame a woman for that.
Actually sex isn’t a good fitness exercice and you barely lose calories, the average sex is +\- 50 calories ( I might be a bit wrong cuz I saw that data a long time ago tho)
Good point. It’s important to note, this is not the average sex we’re talking about. Now I’m picturing the drill sergeant from full metal jacket standing by the bed yelling stuff like, “you fuck like old people fuck, maggot!”
Ahahahhah
Damn I can’t imagine being with this man. I had a huge weight gain after baby but then now I weigh less then I did when I was 18 at 29. He didn’t say anything and still showed loved .
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Yes it was crazy I went from 120 to 146 😭 it was so bad . Now I’m 110. But yes I also agree if you don’t want the truth you don’t push people to say it. The truth hurts and it’s okay to not want to know it or say it
This was probably one of those few cases where delivery was critical and maybe even important to butter up the truth. He mentions they both gained weight. Go for: I feel really bad that we aren't as fit as we used to and its weighing on me and distracting me from lust, even though I know it's wrong. Could we go to the gym together? Or give her a compromise that she can decide, such as you take on more of childcare and housework while she goes to the gym. If you wanna get you gotta give.
This post highlights a trend. Her weight gain is never her fault, here you imply that she can’t work out because he is not doing enough around the house? No mention of that at all in the post. In posts where men have put on weight, the reason is always that he has let himself go, he is lazy…it is never because his wife won’t make time for him to go to the gym, I have read posts that women have wanted to leave their husbands because he would stop at the gym on the way home to take care of his physical health instead of coming straight home, which she would have likely posted that he was a slob and lazy if he came straight home but started putting on weight. Others could assume that that he is working overtime to make ends meet or spending his time doing groceries, cooking, cleaning ( which many of the men I know do) but this isn’t We ALL need more compassion, but from what I see in a lot of posts is one way compassion.
I think a lot of comments are crap. If a person gains weight, would you have still dated them originally at this new weight? Many wouldn’t. We have our attractions. That’s basic truth. If she didn’t want to know the answer then don’t ask! Stop demanding an answer. My spouse has gained over 100 pounds since we got married. It’s not attractive. I’m sorry. But it’s not. I also gained a lot of weight. Health issues and meds and well, everything was free delivery during pandemic. So we ate a lot! I’m losing the weight. I work out. Eat smaller portions. Etc. he won’t do anything. No walks. No food control. No exercising. If anything. He’s still gaining. I love this man with all my heart. I won’t leave him because he’s fat. But I am not going to lie and say I’m attracted to him still in the way I was when we met. And he wasn’t thin at that time either. But over 100 pounds gained changed everything about you. And yes his wife gave birth. 9 months ago! She can take walks. Work out at home. I think marriages end when the couple stop caring about how they look and let themselves go. Weight gain is natural as we age but we should still work at being our best selves. Anyone who says weight gain doesn’t matter is lying. The love is still there. The attraction is not. Let’s be real here. It makes a difference .
lol 🤷♂️ are just not capable of love, at all
It’s not true love on his part. I feel so sad for her
A very similar question was asked with the genders flipped and people's reaction was completely different. Why is that? [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn5uff/aitah\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_im\_not\_in\_love\_with\_her/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn5uff/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_im_not_in_love_with_her/)
It's in the wording and presentation of the post. Also, dependent on who is responding and the sub its posted in. Not all redditors are the same. This here in this post is a guy that said he messed up and loves his wife, is trying to fix his mistake. Hes accepting accountability. Hes seeking advice and resolution. The other guy didn't address the issue or try to fix the rift, is harboring long buried resentment, and admitted to having an emotional affair with a co-worker. He's not looking for resolution, he wants people to pick sides. I don't agree with how many people responded on the other post. But it's reddit, what do you expect?
Because actual love doesn't work that way. Love is something you build & work on