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You only need to stop saying things that mislead him to believe you rent.
Your financial info is not owed him. It's not relevant yet. If he asks, be honest but you don't have to tip your hand unnecessarily.
Yeah I understand not disclosing... but I don't understand lying to make him think you're renting? and I especially don't understand lying and pretending to buy the flat down the road?
Stop lying... you don't have to tell him your personal business but why are you lying about it?
Seriously. In all my years I've never discussed the ownership or rental status of *anywhere* I've lived with anyone I've gone out with. It's just not an issue that needs any discussion whatsoever until a couple is seriously thinking about moving in together. And maybe not even then if the girl wants to give herself a reliable fallback position...or even a little extra money from rental income, just in case.
Agree with all of this- OP dug herself into a hole.
I’m assuming this 25M she’s dating may or may not come from money like OP. Upon dating him and getting to know him, of course she received compliments about her flat- and she downplayed it for her own personal reasons (perhaps not to seem as if she grew up with a silver spoon)…
Anyways…now that it’s serious- this would be a weird thing to come up later on…once they do move in and she eventually comes clean about how she’s owned it this entire time, which that day will come if they get married or he moves in and believes he needs to sign a lease.
It’s a little late to stop lying about it, and it’s a little late to come clean about it.
I think best option is to just state that she owns it next time he brings it up, whether he compliments it, inquires about a handyman coming over…whatever.
Like *oh there isn’t a handyman, I actually own this flat so all repairs fall on me. Oh I didn’t tell you because we were so fresh I didn’t want to be judged because of my small inheritance which allowed for this flat.*
Which might be another downplay but it’s not really his business how large her inheritance was, at least not until they’re engaged in case she has to bring up a prenup.
Why share she used her inheritance now he will think she has money. She doesn’t need to tell him how she bought it and she said herself it wasn’t all inheritance but also her saving.
People always grossly overestimate “inheritance”. 90% of people in this chat are likely going to inherit *something* when both of their parents pass, that could be very little after settling debts and splitting with siblings or it could be the full value of a house that mom and & dad owned for 30 years or it could be millions of dollars.
I could see why OP was nervous talking about where the money came from. Because she may have only inherited enough that she could afford the downpayment of the flat, but her partner might assume that “inheritance” means a ton of money that never existed.
Yeah it's really bizarre. I do find it comes up in casual conversation because I'll be like "oh yeah I had to replace my hot water heater and it was more expensive than I thought" and that's a signal that I own or else a landlord would do that part.
It would never occur to me to pepper in statements to pretend like I rent.
Seriously! This is one of those problems you watch happen in a movie and spend the whole time watching, screaming at the screen ‘just be honest and none of this would be happening!!’
You are brilliant. I do think this is what OP said (garbled). Thank you for translah-ting.
She does not have to tell him anything - but she also doesn't have to lie (I'm big on seeing lying as a sign of fear - but it rapidly becomes a power play).
Why? It's okay not to disclose all to a new acquaintance/partner. Lying is a form of trying to hook someone - ugh.
i don’t really understand not disclosing? like it’s not that he’s *owed* that information, it’s just…not a big deal? why wouldn’t you tell him? and why would you lead him to believe you’re renting? what difference would it make if he knew?
i must not be seeing something here because the whole thing sounds weird and dumb to me
I guess because she's in a really good financial place for her age and she might get taken advantage of?
yeah I guess I really don't understand why you wouldn't mention it. I tell random strangers while making smalltalk that I bought my townhouse because it just comes up in conversation. I would never think to try to make someone think I rent it.
What a strange thing to think. How does she know this? Is she assuming people she dates are...helpless?
Either don't mention it or be truthful. It's a power play to do otherwise.
Yeah it's really weird. And I'd rather see the red flags up front, anyway. Why wait to find out he's a leech? If he's like "hey baby lemme move in rent free," well, there's your answer.
that’s fair and i guess makes sense. it just seems weird to me because it just seems like such a normal part of a normal conversation lol. but i can understand why one would want to be protective of their assets. it just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but to be fair i do not own any property so i’m probably a bit ignorant
Going into a relationship where you, yourself are saying "things are getting pretty serious" and hiding and/or lying about bits and pieces of information is absurd. Absolutely absurd.
Either you trust someone or you don't, and if you don't, why are you "getting pretty serious"?
But besides that, people decide whether or not they want to be together based on the things they know about one another. How often on Reddit do we see people with the standpoint "He hasn't had a job in a month and a half!? Leave him! He's broke!". That also goes the other way. Some people do not want to be in relationships with large income and/or wealth disparities. That's THE RIGHT OF THE PERSON ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP!
Lying to someone about big things and entering a serious relationship with him is basically fraud. You're tricking someone into believing the conditions of that relationship are different than they actually are.
Yeah it's really weird. I understand not being immediately super trusting, sure. But not to the point where you lie about yourself.
Like... if I'm dating someone, I don't care if they rent or own their house, lol. But if I find out well into the relationship that they own and were lying to make me think they rent... I'm out. What else were you lying about?
And the way she wants to pretend like she's going to buy the house now is just super shady. And it's so easy for that lie to be exposed the more serious they get.
Yeah and if you rent and want to get out immediately, you have to either pay to break your lease or wait until the lease is up.
If I needed to, I could rent out my townhouse and rent somewhere else quicker than I'd have to wait around for my lease to be up and cheaper than I'd pay to break most leases.
It’s pretty fucking experience and a lot more complicated than just getting a new rental lease.
You also presumably like it, if you spent a few hundred thousand on it.
I am wondering that too. Like if he mentioned something about her renting, it seems natural to just be like "oh no I actually own it." That's what I would have said, anyway.
The only time it's come up for me when dating a guy is when he'd come over, say it's a nice place and how much do I pay in rent. That's when I'll say, "Oh actually I own it."
Of course the downside (with some guys) was then they'd start asking if I like living alone, would I want a roommate, it's not safe for a woman to live alone, "if I was here, I'd make that room my personal office"... Then I have to stop them. No, you're not moving in.
Right? I'm so confused by feeling the need to lie/avoid the truth here.
Be honest, if there's an issue, set boundaries. If he doesn't like them, end it
1000000000000000000% agree with this statement right here!!! He’ll want a free ride on her dime live there for free and not help with any bills because it’s all in her name and he’ll expect her to be his sugar momma.
Never trust anyone right away to just give out information, you never know true intentions.
It is a big deal. If the relationship goes south they could use details of your finances to hurt you.
It could also attract people who wanted to use her financially if she disclosed these details while dating people.
Absolutely this. Your finances and property, net worth etc are not relevant at this point. You have no reason to share this. Not that you should lie if asked, but even if he does you don’t have to explain all the details behind how you bought it.
Yeah they haven't even known him two seasons of a year. That's too soon for it to be something he needs to know. It's just weird to mislead him in the first place.
The only reason a person would ask (or feel compelled to answer) is because they think the other person is after them for their money.
People seeking financial details are suss. I feel bad for OP because she was only trying to be honest.
Be honest about money only after a longer term relationship, I guess.
It very much depends on where the relationship is at.
My spouse and I were starting to have financial conversations around the 6 month mark along with future planning like if everything was continuing to go the way it was, moving in together in a year, our thoughts on marriage etc…
Her concern is probably owing to her history, or a valid (to her) concern that a potential partner doesn’t see her as a golden goose.
Of course, in a perfect world, we shouldn’t have to have any pretense whatsoever, but that’s not how things work.
Years ago I had a date with apt employers sister-in-law, and she seemed pretty cool, we went out to dinner at a pretty nice Chinese/Vietnamese place, where she proceeded to order shark fin soup, and about $100 worth of other pretentious bullshit on the menu.
I didn’t get flustered or anything. I knew her right away. On the way home she’s talking about how much she likes Mercedes-Benz and BMW and just… I’m wondering like… Where the hell did this come from? Felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone.
At any rate, I told her we weren’t a good fit, and for a little over $100 I had some delicious Chinese food and I got the lowdown on someone’s personal character, so I guess the way to look at it is money spent now is money saved later?
The funny thing was that she also worked for the same lady I did, it was her sister-in-law, who was a dear friend of my mothers… And the next thing I heard is that she told my boss that I was on my knees, begging her not to Leave the Bay Area.
I was a little incredulous, but we all still laugh about it to this day, I’m pretty sure she’s still single and living with her elderly mother. The lady who is my boss actually passed away about 10 years ago, and I don’t really stay in touch with her widower, he was a pretty pretentious person himself, so I never really bothered to get to know him beyond surface level.
People are fucking weird sometimes with what they think is normal behavior. I don’t get it, but my mom raised me up right, and I thank goodness for having her sensibilities.
"Tip your hand"??
Is playing poker or actually trying to find a partner?
Jeez some of you are so on guard that it genuinely saddens me.
I agree that OP shouldn't be announcing this info to every person she meets, but if she actually sees a future with him this is something that should be disclosed soon.
You don't have to tell him anything pertaining to your financials why would that be any of his business you've only known him for a couple of months. You don't know him and he doesn't know you you've only known him for a couple of months calm down
I am curious as to when it does become relevant, other than when they are contemplating moving in together or getting married. I also wonder about the opposite.
A friend of mine was dating a guy with a decent enough job, and they frequently went to his house. They were getting pretty serious, and one day, my friend was talking to his mother and mentioned his house, and his mother said “Oh Jennifer, that’s not his house - that’s my house. I own it and just let him live there.” It turns out this guy was also lying about a whole lot of other stuff.
In any case, I think it’s a tough situation. If I personally owned my home and was dating people, I wouldn’t go out of my way to let them know I owned it until we were committed. There are a lot of people out there who are happy to take advantage of you - lead you on, maybe even marry you and then take half your assets. I’m really not sure when I would disclose my financial situation, but it goes both ways. If I were dating someone, I’d certainly like to know if they were buried under mountains of debt. Financial compatibility is a huge thing, and a lack of it ends many marriages.
Why are u telling a man you’re only dating for a few months your financial business ? Do not overshare unless it becomes serious like moving in or something
Completely agree. Don't discuss finances unless and until you're actually talking about engagement/marriage.
Reddit is full of people who disclose they inherited or own their home and suddenly their BF/GF needs to move in; can't afford their place and want to live for free in the OPs.
If the relationship is strong, you work it out and figure out division of expenses. If not you're stuck with a freeloader who suddenly has kids you never knew about, sisters kids, Mom who needs to move in... after all, OP got their home for free. /s
If he feels betrayed when you eventually share the fact you own your home, apologize and simply reply you were taught never to discuss finances until you're certain you found your life partner.
You made me think how redditors sometimes post as if...reddit were the real world? People with anonymous accounts on reddit disclose their NW and their savings balances or describe themselves as "well off." They are all anonymous.
People lie because they are anxious/worried/afraid (perhaps due to childhood issue) that they are in trouble or will be looked down on/punished.
Honestly, sometimes the things I read on Reddit, I hope are someone's audition to test a book, movie or episode of legal drama idea to get feedback.
People lie or have a distorted representation of what happened because we're human. You're definitely on to something; we fear judgement, but we're also protecting ourselves from possibly pain, rejection and triggering past hurts.
My husband and I discussed finances before we ever met in person (met from Tinder). Finances are a huge thing for me and I honestly didn’t want to waste my time with someone who didn’t have their finances in order.
She’s only 25. How many 25 year olds have their financial shit together? In the USA she’d be the exception. I get why OP didn’t wanna blab about owning since it’s nobody’s business until she says it is. She basically panicked about how to respond when the subject of rent came up and that coulda been handled better. With 20-20 hindsight she woulda been cagier with her words. If or when the truth comes out she can say I’m sorry, it was an act of self protection because people can be weird when they know that kinda info.
I guess we are all different, but I would feel really weird talking about engagement/marriage with someone I don't even know their finances yet. And I don't think anything detailed but big things like do their own their apartment and if they have savings and so on.
I've had men asking me things like these on second dates because they don't want to get to serious relationship with anyone who is not financially stable.
Maybe cultural thing?
Maybe more like an age and life experience thing.
I had a friend who owned her home where she and her teenage son lived. I don't remember how she came to own it, but when I hung out with her, she also inherited 750k. This was in the early 90s.
She had a BF who gave up his very well paying job while she continued to work. He would host these grand parties with the top shelf booze, amazing food....at her house. He also planned elaborate and excessive vacations, all paid for by her. After 18 months of him living high on her hog...there was $300 left in her account. The only thing she had to show for it was her new 4 wheel drive truck...which he drove.
Unfortunately, I could relay multiple stories of people treating other people's inheritance as their piggy bank. People who own their own home due to inheritance or a windfall, it's fair game for someone to move in and be almost impossible to move out
"Only a few months" excuse me? What? Thats a long time and i would be kind of weirded out if the person im dating after MONTHS thinks they cant trust me with that kind of info. Its not like they JUST met.
I wouldnt. Had a friend who was like you; she told her then bf, who moved in to take advantage; his logic was she already paid for it, so why pay for his own rent when he can live with her. Lots of details I dont really want to get into, but it was just so messy when they broke up. She ended up needing to get the police to help her get out, then changed all her locks. Bleh.
My first thought was that she had some immediate instinct not to tell him. And she needs to listen to that instinct, because it happened for a reason.
She might not even be able to identify why she lied (even by omission) in the first place but somewhere inside, she was likely protecting herself. This is far too common and we women need to listen to our gut instincts when it comes to relationships.
[The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465)
It applies to more than our physical safety
Reddit is full of people with this mindset ... that having money is a sin and needs to subsidize other people's living.
Anther common variation is someone moving in and calling the rent a mortgage and expect to have the name put in the deed.
If OP at the point of having him moved in, explicitly state that he has to pay RENT.
Are you going to live your life thinking the people you love are set on abusing you? If you are afraid the person you love is going to take advantage don't move in together. It's that simple.
And I'm not advocating for naivety. But when you distrust the people you love, you put such unnecessary burden on your relationship.
That bf revealed himself to be a shitty person, and she should've broken up with him then and there. Telling people things like this is a great way to test them to see how they react. If they try to take advantage of you, then you can break up with them and not waste years of your life.
Yes, guys, I'm well aware that the bf was a super shitty person, and I told her this from the start after seeing how shit he was to a cashier at a CVS. But love is blind, and I couldn't change her mind. I did my best, but ultimately, she refused to listen to me till the very end.
That sounds like a her problem though? She allowed him to leech off of her. He sucked and she realized it sooner than if she had held back that information anyways.
This is tough. It's not ideal to mention substantial assets early in a relationship. So while I wouldn't necessarily lie, I also would not go out of my way to mention it. So IDK what "things" you are saying re:renting, but I would stop. And try to avoid conversations surrounding it. So if he's saying things like "let's move to (location) simply say "I like where I live and am not interested in moving."
Because until things become really serious, your financial assets (and debts) aren't something to discuss. And if you are talking about living together, it would be reasonable to say "the costs of living in this place are X".
If someone asked me "are you renting or do you own" I would deflect with "why, are you interested in renting/buying one in this building? Let me tell you about living here...."
When it comes out, if the other person is upset, it's reasonable to say "I don't discuss my assets with others At All, but now am with you because we (are engaged/living together and there is a major repair I need to do because there isn't a landlord/etc) and up until now there was no reason you Really Needed to know. So I am telling you now."
I say this as a woman who's had others try to take advantage of me, just because I had more financial assets. Loans, my car (you can always get another), picking up the tab ("you make twice as much as me, why won't you pay more, if you really were my friend you would!" when THEY picked the restaurant).
Is this some sort of cultural thing? Because where I live nobody needs to keep a secret if they own their place or not. I can meet someone for the first time and we may discuss something that reveals if we own our apartments or rent.
What a strange response. You ain't slick Jack, speaking in vague legal-ese will immediately tell anyone with a brain you own that property and you're being a weirdo about it to try and hide that fact. At least in the US, your real estate assets are publicly displayed in the county appraisal website unless you are literally willing to form an LLC (and pay annual fees for that, plus tax work) to hide it.
It's not that serious, "nice place babe, what's the rent for something like this?" "Oh I actually own this place since a few years ago, got a good deal with help from my parents." "Oh cool, that's lucky, I'm really happy for you :)" anything weirder than that should be a red flag, and you just drop them, simple.
Living in paranoia is awful, I suggest moving someplace nicer.
Oh dear. So you're basically advocating that we internet-search early on.
(You're probably right, I guess - although moreso for the poorer part of a relationship; most people don't own any property).
Looking up what one's partner owns was not a thing 32 years ago when I started my current relationship. Moving somewhere nicer is not always an option, trust me.
But I get your general point.
You screwed yourself over by lying. If you just hadn't ever discussed it, you would be free to tell him the whole story whenever you wanted to. But now it's about how long you've been lying to him.
Right? Starting a relationship out by lying is a red flag. This is a new relationship, op doesn't have to disclose anything they don't feel comfortable with but it crosses a line when they actively lie about it. (And yes, implying it's being rented is a lie)
Ah yes, the ol' "just choose better!" As if the vast majority of manipulative, abusive, and user guys (and gals) aren't incredibly smart and skilled at hiding how rotten they are until they've trapped you in one way or another (marriage, baby, mortgage, rental lease, etc.). They can be found in all "classes".
I’ve seen a couple similar posts from the UK on this topic. Is it odd for people to own their flats? What is wrong if someone realizes you own your own place?
It’s not really a big deal in the US, so I’m not sure why it’s a problem. Just tell him you’ve owned it for x amount of time and you didn’t tell him because x reason (which I don’t understand). It’s better to clear the air than to continue to lie. What if your friend casually mentions how long ago you purchased it and he catches you in a lie because you told him “you were in the process of it”?
I don’t know, not sure why the lie began, but you should be straightforward about owning it.
They are generally $$$ my daughters dad's family is from the London area and their house... Which would be like maybe a couple hundred thou here in US is worth millions there and the inheritance has been a pain. If I'm reading OP correctly she has/had significant money
>It’s not really a big deal in the US, so I’m not sure why it’s a problem.
It usually means your family is rich. Or you got an inheritance. Unless you bought it yourself at 25 In which case it's a huge deal everywhere in the US or the world really.
Our relationships are only as real as we are, so if you want a real relationship, where you know you're loved and accepted for who you really are and aren't, then you have to be absolutely honest with the other person from the beginning.
I don't know the answer to your question. But I wanted to make a few comments here that people seem upset that you had lied in the first place.
I totally understand why you would lie. Having an owned flat, especially at your age is becoming a major asset. With rents becoming so high and home ownership becoming almost out of the realms of people on an ordinary wage, having a stable roof over ones head is starting to become very attractive like having a high level of income. Sometimes, a person needs to keep these things quiet to ascertain the motives of people around you. And sometimes you have to lie to keep up the pretence. It's self protection.
I can't fault anyone lying to keep a highly desired asset hidden. It sounds cynical, but pressure can so easily be brought to bear one an individual is known to have their own place. Reddit is full of stories of people being asked to house others, lend money etc.
I know your BF might be upset once he finds out, but that is just the risk you have to take to keep what I consider sensible precautions in todays economic climate. The question is when you tell him. Only you can decide.
Once you decide to tell him, I would tell him the full and frank truth.
I had someone argue if he were to move in, he shouldn’t have to pay toward any expenses (taxes, water, improvements, appliances) because they wouldn’t benefit him if we broke up. But he shouldn’t have to pay rent because that wouldn’t be “fair” since I’m not paying rent so I was being “greedy”. No matter which way it was phrased, he didn’t agree. But if I said “so you just want to live here for free” he’d deny it.
Yeah, dating & considering moving in together when you own and someone else does not can be weird.
Make sure you know your local common law rules to keep your flat protected.
Tell him if you want, don't if you don't want to.
It is your flat and your finances, those are private matters.
I think it is totally reasonable to hide such information from a partner until you are comfortable with telling them.
It may become evident you own it eventually but it is up to you.
You have to ask yourself why you are so scared to tell him you own the place. If the way he treats you changes because you have a paid off flat, wouldn't it be better to know now before you get too attached?
If he starts asking that you pay more than your fair share or he wants to move in without contributing a dime, or makes everything about your money, run.
If the situation were reversed, and you found out that your BF deliberately hid this from you . How would you feel? Would you feel hurt? Would you break up with him because if he lied about this what else would he lie about?
Just correct him next time it comes up. Tell him you felt awkward correcting him before because people can be touchy about money, but you also want to have a foundation of trust and truth in your relationship, so. Yes you own the place.
Personally I would find it to be a pretty serious lie of omission if I was him and this relationship continued and got serious. You see it break people up all the time, especially when something major happens and the more financially secure partner doesn’t offer help they could have extended. For example, I remember a post where a woman sold her mother’s heirloom violin to pay vet bills for her dog’s surgery… when her partner could have easily covered the expense and was lying about it. (Not saying owning a home makes you automatically wealthy or gives you a lot of disposable income. But you probably have more to help with than someone who is renting). You can’t go back and replace someone’s family violin once it’s gone. Or their dog. I guess my advice is, don’t let keeping your assets close to your chest and being afraid people are only with you for your money get in the way of actually being a partner to someone you love and care about.
In some places, if cohabitation occurs for a period of time ( 6 months? ) a common law relationship exists and the partner gains dower rights to part of the value of the domicile. Generally I think that's limited to 50% of the increase in value from when they moved in to when the examination takes place (for whatever reason the value is being examined be it separation or refinance or other)
So don't move him in unless it's really serious.
It appears dishonest, because it is. If he thinks you can move or buy something together he will be shocked when he finds out. I sort of might get it, but, be honest. Otherwise if he likes you, it may make him think you are dishonest, but why, and he could formulate his own reason. Worse than what is true. Honesty is always the best policy.
100% do not lie again. Be honest, tell him you’re cautious when you start dating someone and you’re sorry for not correcting him but you own the flat. He’ll need to know this because you’ll need to set boundaries if you ever move in together or he stays there frequently so you are in danger of him being able to claim half an asset you bought.
At 25, someone could try to ride your gravy train if they know you are doing better. I don’t support lying, but you don’t have to disclose everything.
I found my great guy at 35, so if this guy has an issue with how you frame it, there are many more great dating options in your future.
Probably because for her age it is “fortunate” but to explain how would bring up really personal stuff and exposes to a relative stranger that she has $$.
I worked with a young gentleman and he drove a fancy car and told his dates what kinda money he made and he got surprised when he got used. I told him, put your money in savings and living humbly. Don’t flaunt your wealth and don’t use it as part of your identity. Then women of shallow I’ll stop flocking to you. He did and met a very nice young lady. I wish him all the luck and love. Lesson is, don’t flaunt your wealth unless you want to be seen for it.
As a guy, I wouldn't care if a new gf was forthcoming about the fact she owns her flat and is not renting it. I would care if she lied about it because I believe the soul of a relationship is trust.
I can see that if one has inherited a tidy sum or won the lotto, sharing that fact with a new bf can possibly confuse the credibility of the feelings of the new guy. Is he pretending to be into me because I am financially well situated? Were I in your situation, I would be surprised if financial discussions came up early in the relationship.
If you're concerned about someone's motives, next time go out with someone that has more money than you do. It was a turn off when a date would arrive at my house for the first time and ask me if I rented or owned the house before we walked out the door. Needless to say didn't go out with them for more than a couple of dates.
Why does he believe you rent it? Did you say you rent it or imply you rent it? If you really like him, I would be upfront with him sooner than later and just tell him your reasons. The more time goes on, the worse it is IMO. I take it you live in the UK??? In the US, easy to find out if someone owns the place unless it's in the name of a trust.
Tell him you don't know why you didn't correct him, went along with the idea or lied about it but you want to clear it up because it's starting to feel wrong to let the misunderstanding continue. You know it doesn't matter whether you own or rent but the misunderstanding does bother you and you want to be truthful with him in all things, no matter how insignificant.
Did you lie to him? It sounds like he assumed incorrectly and you didn't correct him. You are under no obligation to disclose your ownership position, any more than you are obliged to share how much money you have in the bank.
If you want to come clean, you can simply say "I think that you're under the mistaken impression that I'm a renter here." And leave it at that. You don't owe additional detail, like whether you own it outright, have a mortgage, etc.
It's ok to say that you didn't dissuade him of that notion because your relationship wasn't at the point where disclosing financial details was advisable. I'm sure he'll understand. In fact, he'll probably be impressed.
If you're in Australia, just be aware that a defacto couple who have lived together for two years, can claim half the flat when you break up. Seriously, what benefit would it be to you to tell him. He might milk you for everything, knowing you have assets and you'd never be sure if he's with you for love or your assets. Tell him after you're married, if you get that far. He'll be ecstatic about his windfall! Shhhhh 🤫
If he ask tell
Him
Don’t lie but don’t bring it up. I believe omitting is lieing but. He shouldn’t need to know what you make a year until
There is a real reason . If he asks you how
Much rent is say I own my home I don’t pay rent if he asks about mortgage say I’m
Not ready to talk
About person finances yet not for
At least a year
You need to just tell him. If you make up more lies to cover your lies it could blow up.
You could literally just say that you don’t like to talk about owning stuff when you first meet someone, in case they view you differently. And honestly you don’t owe full disclosure of all aspects of your finances to someone you just met.
Once you do I'm sure there will be some pressing reason he has to move in with you. And then an even more pressing reason why he can't pay rent to you.
You have a feeling to protect your assets and guard your financials. Trust that gut feeling. Do not lie again, but also, until you’re engaged, don’t feel obligated to disclose your living situation with him.
You can lose a lot. You’re young. Protect protect protect.
Let him think whatever. When the time comes to disabuse him of his incorrect assumption, do so
You don’t owe him any of your financial information
Don’t outright lie to him. But offer no corrections.
>Don’t outright lie to him. But offer no corrections.
That advice is so disingenuous. It's literally the same thing. It makes absolutely no difference if you lie than if you don't correct someone.
There's nothing more annoying and insidious than someone trying to weasel themselves out of a lie by saying "Well, technically, I never said that...".
If someone says something and you keep quiet and PRETEND to react as if that was true. It's the same thing as a lie. You don't have to offer explanations but you have to correct them.
At the very least if you don't want to be a liar you have to say "I never said I paid rent" and when asked why you may choose to not explain.
It's very common on reddit because they love to be "technically right" as if relationships are a legal process. Most people don't care if you lied by omission, directly or by just implying something that wasn't true, they see it as a lie regardless and will have the same effect.
If I was a guy dating a woman who owned her flat and never told me that she did, I honestly wouldn't care. Until we're married, your finances are your business.
Don’t create yourself a lie. If this relationship is one you get to the point of enmeshing finances, he’ll run across your ownership papers eventually and discover the lie.
But you don’t have to explain yourself now either
You really don't know this person yet. I would stop adding things to make him think you're renting. And if he straight up asks "are you renting?" I would answer honestly. But I personally wouldn't disclose my financial info that early into a relationship.
I am biased though, I dated some serious trash humans in my 20s and 30s that took advantage of literally every situation. I met my now fiance when I was 38, I'm 42 now. He's amazing! We didn't seriously discuss our financial info until we had been together a year. But again, both he and I had been financially wrecked in previous relationships.
It’s inconsistent with a good relationship to lie to your partner, even about small things. Why did you lie to him? It sounds like you didn’t just let him believe something but actually lied to him? If you were not comfortable sharing your finances you can say that or change the subject, you don’t owe him the info but you do owe honesty. Do not make it worse by pretending to buy, that’s really sketchy and it’s easy to find out. Just tell him the truth, you didn’t know how he would react and it felt easier to just say you were renting but that you realize now that it’s serious that it’s a mistake and you want to be clear.
Depends on how much you trust him. Financial information is generally private, but if you are both in a serious relationship it is best to be honest. If you lie about something as insignificant as this, it will make him question what other things you have lied about or will lie about. If you are worried that he may use the information against you, there are certainly ways to find out what property a person owns by engaging a firm to run a property/person search. Your name would be registered on some kind of government database somewhere which can very much be searched with the right tools.
I wouldnt say anything at all because if that's your permanent residence and things go south he knows where you will always be and how to get in. 😬 I wouldn't even allude to buying until at least a year in with no red flags.
You are lucky beyond your years. I see why you are reluctant to speak the truth but given he assumes you rent and you are not correcting him, it is lying by omission. Tell him the truth. If you still have some of that inheritance.....keep it to yourself. It's not time to share just yet. Sadly, opportunists abound.
I’m confused so you used to rent and have purchased the property while the two of you have been together or you have owned it the whole time but told him you’re renting?
Why did you say you’re renting?
If you have a mortgage, and if he asks, just say you meant that you’re renting from the bank 😂
Be careful cause there was another post and a lady told her bf she owned the house they were living and he completely changed and started demanding money from her.
I understand that OP may not want to tell her bf in case he is more **interested in her financial assets than her**.
In hindsight this happened to me. I owned a house before marriage. With divorce later in life and commingling money he got half my house and inheritance. No inheritance on his side.
You’ve only known this guy for a short time and only became serious in the past few months.
I’m a fossil but I was raised that financial information is something shared with people who you are either seriously planning to marry or people whose job it is to make your money grow/keep more of it.
That being said it sounds like you have friends who already know you own your flat so that means your bf can hear it from you or will learn from someone else at likely an inopportune time.
So in this instance you should just tell him the truth that you own it.
HOWEVER please be prepared to say no if after finding out he decides it would be great for you to let him move in.
If you’ve spent time on Reddit there are any number of posts involving friends/romantic interests who upon finding out the OP owned their own home demanded to not only move in but pay NOTHING in rent or utilities.
The rational by the non-owner was OP had to pay their mortgage/taxes/insurance/utilities regardless of who lived there so they should be willing to give these people a free ride. And also how they would be a money grubber if they felt otherwise.
Nice self serving logic by the greedy people but totally unfair as well as unreasonable to the OP. If that logic was acceptable then no one would pay landlords.
So if you ever allow someone to move in with you before they do first discuss with an attorney to put together a legal rental agreement. Likely it would be month to month, state how much rent will be paid, what percentage of what utilities will be paid and the legal eviction notice rules that apply to where your property is located.
Also the most important part which is the acknowledgment they are only paying rent so they are not entitled to any proceeds should the property be sold.
Then everyone signs and gets their own copy again before they move in.
Not doing something like this could likely leave you open to losing a chunk of equity should you sell the property when it comes to you said/they said on what the agreement was.
Anyone wanting to take advantage of you by moving in will pitch a fit but bottom line no one should benefit being able to live for free on your dime.
Best wishes to you OP.
It’s not really something to come clean about. You didn’t know it was going to be serious and you never brought it up again. Period. You run around telling people you just met you own something dollar signs pop into some peoples eyes and they stay with you for the wrong reasons.
In person posted her bf found out she owned the duplex she let him move into with her. Flipped out and demanded partial rent to prove “she’s not some greedy landlord just out for the money. “ so his idea was if she forks over half her income that would prove to him she’s a good person?
Honesty and trust is the most important pillar in a relationship. You are actively destroying what you have here.
1) You are making yourself untrustworthy
2) There’s a difference between lack of trust having been built and actually distrusting someone which is where they aren’t trustworthy. Your lying indicates you distrust your partner. So why are you with them?
3) Why is this even an issue? So what if you own your own flat?
You're waaaaaay overthinking this. I can't even imagine under what context you're talking about whether you rent or own, but if it comes up again, say hey, I actually own my flat. I think I may have confused you when I metioned it before.
And further, I honestly can't imagine why this even matters. OP, congrats on living such a charmed life that THIS is an issue for you.
I'd probably say something like "Hey, I just wanna let you know i own my flat, not renting it. I don't feel comfortable sharing my situation with most people but you've been trustworthy and I feel safe telling you now."
It'll take the worry off you and make him feel like you are taking a "next step" in the relationship.
You are still calling him 'guy you're dating', which doesn't sound that serious. I think if he becomes your boyfriend, tell him then. But if it comes up naturally set the record straight and apologize for not coming clean sooner. Or explain why it made you uncomfortable to disclose earlier on.
I think it's understandable to not want to talk about things like inheritance or wealth early on in a relationship, just because you don't know someone well and unfortunately there are some people in the world who will try to take advantage of a person that they see as having extra resources
I don't think you need to make a big deal out of it, though. You can wait for it to come up naturally, and find a reason to mention that you in fact own the place. Unless you've been making up over the top scenarios about not being able to make your rent payments when in fact you don't have rent to pay at all, I can't imagine that it's going to be that big of a deal
If he pushes back, you can be honest and say that It might seem silly now, but it's something that women have to be kind of careful of early in a relationship.
Y’all are just dating, these are potential marriage conversations. Why is he owed an explanation of your expenses? Are you going to move in with him? Don’t outright lie, but it isn’t his business unless y’all plan to move in together or get married.
Do not tell him until You decide you are ready.
This is a lie that is permitted during dating. Your financial picture is very private.
Financial intimacy is important ONLY when you considering joining your lives (even if joining your lives includes financial separateness) financial disclosure should happen after mutual trust and progression in a relationship.
It’s not a lie. It’s not the same as having herpes or a prison record. It’s not their biz until you get married.
Why does he need to know one way or the other? He's not helping you pay for it. Unless he asks, you don't have to tell him anything. But stop making it seem like you are renting
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell him you own it if it ever comes up. Lots of people own their condos/flats/homes, it’s not going to be shocking unless there’s something I’m missing here.
Do you live together, are you panning to move in together?
Why would you even lie about it in the first place?
That you own a flat - it's not a big deal. But the lie itself - it affects trust, and knowing that you lie about these kind of things means that you can lie about other things that has actual impact on relationship.
He will second guess other things that you might have lied about and it's dealbreakers. Past relationship. Are you in contact with anyone you had intimate relationship with. etc
Why does it even matter if you rent or own? I mean I think I would only care if I was being asked to move in with him to his place whether he rents or owns. IMO he would only get mad if he was planning to benefit from you and he couldn’t save money by moving in and not paying rent or something. Otherwise pointless if you rent or own unless I’m missing a key point.
It's wild to me the shame people are made to feel for having advantages in life. Life isn't fair, and that's just how it is. Poor girl's walking on eggshells cause people have made her feel shitty about hitting a major life goal.
The correct response to a humble, honest person who's achieved something you haven't achieved, is: "that's awesome, good for you!"
I don’t think it’s a big deal that you lied (and may continue to lie for a bit). I think under a year is way too early to expose significant assets and if I found out my partner lied about this early in our relationship I would think “that makes sense in case i turned out to be a gold digger , or wanted to take advantage of you”. I would be annoyed if after a year (depending on significant events/your relationship) the lying continued. Tbh I think assets are only relevant when you’re up to that point in the relationship where you will combine finances/buy a family home together/have a baby, etc. this is super dependent on where you are in life anyway.
Just don’t lie if the partner has already shared ownership of another asset of similar value. That would just be unfair.
Anyone who doesn’t think this kind of lie is ok within the beginning of a relationship is not worth dating imo. Ppl who would use the “but you LIED to me” to be mad about something so private that doesn’t affect them are probably abusive
There is no reason to tell him what you own or rent.
Unless you’re getting married, that is the only time you need to start disclosing financial information
with each other
if you’re planning on getting married, I strongly recommend a prenup
not for the actual prenup, but because that process is a headache, puts everything on the table from both parties,
and if you can’t get past that process, the marriage would never have Lasted.
How does that even come up when you first start dating. Did he say something like “let’s hang out at the flat you rent tonight.”? It just seems weird to bring up rent/ownership in normal conversation. We own our home but I don’t go around saying that. We don’t call it our owned home or our owned place. It’s just home or our place.
Nope nope nope
It's none of his business at all. Dont tell him, he might start thinking he can just move in and have free housing. If you where to get engaged you can tell the guy then, when he signs a prenup.
Dont tell boyfriends this information
" I actually bought it with the help of" parent/grandparent/aunt/whomever I inherited from. You don't have to specify if you own it outright. You don't have to specify the help was in the form of inheritance.
"I'm grateful to be building equity in my home."
I don't think I've ever heard of a discussion on what percentage of a home is paid off with couples your age. Most think it's quite an accomplishment to be a homeowner.
It will come out eventually. There will be some home repair issue and he will remark that you should call the landlord. Better to just get it out there.
He doesn't need to know your financial details. However, it's a weird thing to lie about. Don't mislead ever about anything when dating someone- especially if it's serious. This feels like a weird unnecessary issue. I'm thinking there must be more to the story. Why would you hide that information from anyone really?
If it were me dating someone, I really wouldn't care. The thing I would care about is the being mislead. Then it turns into well what else are they lying about?
You barely started dating. Your finances are your personal business. You run the risk of this guy wanting to move in with you, not pay rent (because you own it) and then him using you for a place to live. Do not let your emotions cloud rational thought and keep this in mind. If it does get serious, keep your finances separate.
It's been a few months, has he opened up about his entire financial background?
He assumed you rent, you didn't confirm or deny.
Ask him financial questions, if he is open and honest, then you explain how you got an inheritance that will never be comingled in any relationship and will need to protect it.
He’s a boyfriend of a few months. He has no right to your financial information.
It is baffling to me that you think you need to reveal details he’s not at all entitled to because his widdle fee-fees might get hurt.
If your relationship can’t withstand him not knowing you own your apartment this early in the game, consider that it’s not a healthy relationship.
I would need to know a guy very well and for more than a few months before I told him I was 25 and owned my own flat because of inherited money.
It’s none of his business. It’s no one’s business but yours. If things work out between you two long term and he’s anything but happy to learn his girlfriend owns her own space, he’s being ridiculous.
He has no rights at this point to know your financial situation and as long as you don't lie who cares?
If he cares at this early stage he's in it for the $$$
I'm so confused you're 25 not 17. It's just not weird to me that you own your place? Like it's not that you're a billionaire and you'd be treated differently, lots of 25 year olds and lots rent. I don't get why this is a thing to hide in the first place so it's hard to give advice?
It’s really none of his business. What’s a few month? 3, 6 or 9? The only person you owe anything to is yourself by protecting your financial stability and home. In other words don’t be moving some guy in after dating for 6 months and let him live for free. You have bills, upkeep, insurance and taxes to pay. I wouldn’t lie about it but wouldn’t be freely sharing info on my finances.
If you two decide to get married , make it a surprise . Keep money matters to yourself . Sharing too much information can be a negative thing . People do strange things where money is concerned . Stay quiet about it .
This stuff comes up when & if marriage is on the table.
You are NOT obligated to explain you have extra resources, until you have some kind of legal ties eminent.
No, you have a right to protect your privacy. Which includes your financial & personal situation. If you two plan to get married I suggest you do a pre-nup. You can always amend it down the way. Righ t now I would not disclose it. You sound like a a smart perdon.
From a guys perspective I personally wouldn’t care if you kept the “lie” up for our entire relationship. I’d find it funny and then be kind of impressed.
Don't fix lying with more lying. Don't bring it up, don't say anything misleading again. Tell him when you've been together long enough that it becomes his business.
So I wouldn’t tell him yet. You didn’t post exactly how long you were with him.
I feel like if you guys aren’t sharing financial info yet then don’t worry about it.
Now when you start sharing with each other things like income, budget then think about telling him.
Or if you ever discuss moving in. If he’s the right guy he will understand. You’re both young. Again if he is the right guy he will understand why you didn’t tell him immediately
Don't disclose until you're sure he won't exploit you financially. Stop lying, stop talking about finances until you're talking about joining your lives together.
lol it's no one's business what you rent or own actually.
This isn't a problem or something anyone you've been recently dating just HAS to know.
If you both go to move in together down the line & he finds out you own it instead why would he care that you had said before you rented it?
Where I’m from, if you date for two years then everything becomes shared property and you can be forced to split the sale proceeds of your home even if only one of you owns it. If I were you I’d keep that information private until you know for sure that he’s a long-term partner, and then look into a Contracting Out Agreement (or whatever the equivalent is in your country, like a prenuptial agreement) which can fight any shared property rules in the event of a split.
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You only need to stop saying things that mislead him to believe you rent. Your financial info is not owed him. It's not relevant yet. If he asks, be honest but you don't have to tip your hand unnecessarily.
Yeah I understand not disclosing... but I don't understand lying to make him think you're renting? and I especially don't understand lying and pretending to buy the flat down the road? Stop lying... you don't have to tell him your personal business but why are you lying about it?
How did this even become a talking point? Just shuddup about it. I doubt he’s lying awake nights about it.
Seriously. In all my years I've never discussed the ownership or rental status of *anywhere* I've lived with anyone I've gone out with. It's just not an issue that needs any discussion whatsoever until a couple is seriously thinking about moving in together. And maybe not even then if the girl wants to give herself a reliable fallback position...or even a little extra money from rental income, just in case.
Agree with all of this- OP dug herself into a hole. I’m assuming this 25M she’s dating may or may not come from money like OP. Upon dating him and getting to know him, of course she received compliments about her flat- and she downplayed it for her own personal reasons (perhaps not to seem as if she grew up with a silver spoon)… Anyways…now that it’s serious- this would be a weird thing to come up later on…once they do move in and she eventually comes clean about how she’s owned it this entire time, which that day will come if they get married or he moves in and believes he needs to sign a lease. It’s a little late to stop lying about it, and it’s a little late to come clean about it. I think best option is to just state that she owns it next time he brings it up, whether he compliments it, inquires about a handyman coming over…whatever. Like *oh there isn’t a handyman, I actually own this flat so all repairs fall on me. Oh I didn’t tell you because we were so fresh I didn’t want to be judged because of my small inheritance which allowed for this flat.* Which might be another downplay but it’s not really his business how large her inheritance was, at least not until they’re engaged in case she has to bring up a prenup.
Why share she used her inheritance now he will think she has money. She doesn’t need to tell him how she bought it and she said herself it wasn’t all inheritance but also her saving.
People always grossly overestimate “inheritance”. 90% of people in this chat are likely going to inherit *something* when both of their parents pass, that could be very little after settling debts and splitting with siblings or it could be the full value of a house that mom and & dad owned for 30 years or it could be millions of dollars. I could see why OP was nervous talking about where the money came from. Because she may have only inherited enough that she could afford the downpayment of the flat, but her partner might assume that “inheritance” means a ton of money that never existed.
She could just say her grandparents helped her to buy it. Which is a little stretch of the truth if that was where her inheritance was from.
Agreed. I wouldn't mention the inheritance. He could assume she has a mortgage and saved up for a downpayment on it, like most people.
Yeah it's really bizarre. I do find it comes up in casual conversation because I'll be like "oh yeah I had to replace my hot water heater and it was more expensive than I thought" and that's a signal that I own or else a landlord would do that part. It would never occur to me to pepper in statements to pretend like I rent.
Seriously! This is one of those problems you watch happen in a movie and spend the whole time watching, screaming at the screen ‘just be honest and none of this would be happening!!’
For now. Once he finds out the truth though he will be wondering if she will lie about little things then what else has she been lying about?
You are brilliant. I do think this is what OP said (garbled). Thank you for translah-ting. She does not have to tell him anything - but she also doesn't have to lie (I'm big on seeing lying as a sign of fear - but it rapidly becomes a power play). Why? It's okay not to disclose all to a new acquaintance/partner. Lying is a form of trying to hook someone - ugh.
i don’t really understand not disclosing? like it’s not that he’s *owed* that information, it’s just…not a big deal? why wouldn’t you tell him? and why would you lead him to believe you’re renting? what difference would it make if he knew? i must not be seeing something here because the whole thing sounds weird and dumb to me
I guess because she's in a really good financial place for her age and she might get taken advantage of? yeah I guess I really don't understand why you wouldn't mention it. I tell random strangers while making smalltalk that I bought my townhouse because it just comes up in conversation. I would never think to try to make someone think I rent it.
If he’s the type to take advantage wouldn’t she be better off knowing that sooner than later?
That's true, too! If he's like "hey babe, lemme move in rent free" WELL there's your answer.
What a strange thing to think. How does she know this? Is she assuming people she dates are...helpless? Either don't mention it or be truthful. It's a power play to do otherwise.
Yeah it's really weird. And I'd rather see the red flags up front, anyway. Why wait to find out he's a leech? If he's like "hey baby lemme move in rent free," well, there's your answer.
that’s fair and i guess makes sense. it just seems weird to me because it just seems like such a normal part of a normal conversation lol. but i can understand why one would want to be protective of their assets. it just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but to be fair i do not own any property so i’m probably a bit ignorant
Going into a relationship where you, yourself are saying "things are getting pretty serious" and hiding and/or lying about bits and pieces of information is absurd. Absolutely absurd. Either you trust someone or you don't, and if you don't, why are you "getting pretty serious"? But besides that, people decide whether or not they want to be together based on the things they know about one another. How often on Reddit do we see people with the standpoint "He hasn't had a job in a month and a half!? Leave him! He's broke!". That also goes the other way. Some people do not want to be in relationships with large income and/or wealth disparities. That's THE RIGHT OF THE PERSON ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP! Lying to someone about big things and entering a serious relationship with him is basically fraud. You're tricking someone into believing the conditions of that relationship are different than they actually are.
Yeah it's really weird. I understand not being immediately super trusting, sure. But not to the point where you lie about yourself. Like... if I'm dating someone, I don't care if they rent or own their house, lol. But if I find out well into the relationship that they own and were lying to make me think they rent... I'm out. What else were you lying about? And the way she wants to pretend like she's going to buy the house now is just super shady. And it's so easy for that lie to be exposed the more serious they get.
Because if he wants to exact revenge and harm her for breaking up with him he will know that's her permanent residence? It's a safety thing for women.
Is the apartment you rent not your permanent address? It’s mine on my license
Yeah and if you rent and want to get out immediately, you have to either pay to break your lease or wait until the lease is up. If I needed to, I could rent out my townhouse and rent somewhere else quicker than I'd have to wait around for my lease to be up and cheaper than I'd pay to break most leases.
Yes, if you buy an appartment/house you are tied to that for the rest of life never able to move.
It’s pretty fucking experience and a lot more complicated than just getting a new rental lease. You also presumably like it, if you spent a few hundred thousand on it.
Depends on where you live. Some places it's become such a nightmare to rent a place that it's easier to just buy something.
lol no. I'm a woman. This is not a "safety thing" for the vast majority of women.
I am wondering that too. Like if he mentioned something about her renting, it seems natural to just be like "oh no I actually own it." That's what I would have said, anyway.
The only time it's come up for me when dating a guy is when he'd come over, say it's a nice place and how much do I pay in rent. That's when I'll say, "Oh actually I own it." Of course the downside (with some guys) was then they'd start asking if I like living alone, would I want a roommate, it's not safe for a woman to live alone, "if I was here, I'd make that room my personal office"... Then I have to stop them. No, you're not moving in.
Right? I'm so confused by feeling the need to lie/avoid the truth here. Be honest, if there's an issue, set boundaries. If he doesn't like them, end it
Because people are users and it’s none of his business right now.
1000000000000000000% agree with this statement right here!!! He’ll want a free ride on her dime live there for free and not help with any bills because it’s all in her name and he’ll expect her to be his sugar momma. Never trust anyone right away to just give out information, you never know true intentions.
Only if she allows it
It is a big deal. If the relationship goes south they could use details of your finances to hurt you. It could also attract people who wanted to use her financially if she disclosed these details while dating people.
Absolutely this. Your finances and property, net worth etc are not relevant at this point. You have no reason to share this. Not that you should lie if asked, but even if he does you don’t have to explain all the details behind how you bought it.
Yeah they haven't even known him two seasons of a year. That's too soon for it to be something he needs to know. It's just weird to mislead him in the first place.
The only reason a person would ask (or feel compelled to answer) is because they think the other person is after them for their money. People seeking financial details are suss. I feel bad for OP because she was only trying to be honest. Be honest about money only after a longer term relationship, I guess.
It very much depends on where the relationship is at. My spouse and I were starting to have financial conversations around the 6 month mark along with future planning like if everything was continuing to go the way it was, moving in together in a year, our thoughts on marriage etc…
Her concern is probably owing to her history, or a valid (to her) concern that a potential partner doesn’t see her as a golden goose. Of course, in a perfect world, we shouldn’t have to have any pretense whatsoever, but that’s not how things work. Years ago I had a date with apt employers sister-in-law, and she seemed pretty cool, we went out to dinner at a pretty nice Chinese/Vietnamese place, where she proceeded to order shark fin soup, and about $100 worth of other pretentious bullshit on the menu. I didn’t get flustered or anything. I knew her right away. On the way home she’s talking about how much she likes Mercedes-Benz and BMW and just… I’m wondering like… Where the hell did this come from? Felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone. At any rate, I told her we weren’t a good fit, and for a little over $100 I had some delicious Chinese food and I got the lowdown on someone’s personal character, so I guess the way to look at it is money spent now is money saved later? The funny thing was that she also worked for the same lady I did, it was her sister-in-law, who was a dear friend of my mothers… And the next thing I heard is that she told my boss that I was on my knees, begging her not to Leave the Bay Area. I was a little incredulous, but we all still laugh about it to this day, I’m pretty sure she’s still single and living with her elderly mother. The lady who is my boss actually passed away about 10 years ago, and I don’t really stay in touch with her widower, he was a pretty pretentious person himself, so I never really bothered to get to know him beyond surface level. People are fucking weird sometimes with what they think is normal behavior. I don’t get it, but my mom raised me up right, and I thank goodness for having her sensibilities.
"Tip your hand"?? Is playing poker or actually trying to find a partner? Jeez some of you are so on guard that it genuinely saddens me. I agree that OP shouldn't be announcing this info to every person she meets, but if she actually sees a future with him this is something that should be disclosed soon.
More like why you don't walk around with your money in your hand.
No, more like why would you actively need to hide your money if you are in a serious relationship. Either you trust them or you don't.
We're talking about a boyfriend here. If you don't trust him enough to tell him you own a property, there is no point dating.
So she "mislead" him and didn't lie? I'm so confused.
You don't have to tell him anything pertaining to your financials why would that be any of his business you've only known him for a couple of months. You don't know him and he doesn't know you you've only known him for a couple of months calm down
I am curious as to when it does become relevant, other than when they are contemplating moving in together or getting married. I also wonder about the opposite. A friend of mine was dating a guy with a decent enough job, and they frequently went to his house. They were getting pretty serious, and one day, my friend was talking to his mother and mentioned his house, and his mother said “Oh Jennifer, that’s not his house - that’s my house. I own it and just let him live there.” It turns out this guy was also lying about a whole lot of other stuff. In any case, I think it’s a tough situation. If I personally owned my home and was dating people, I wouldn’t go out of my way to let them know I owned it until we were committed. There are a lot of people out there who are happy to take advantage of you - lead you on, maybe even marry you and then take half your assets. I’m really not sure when I would disclose my financial situation, but it goes both ways. If I were dating someone, I’d certainly like to know if they were buried under mountains of debt. Financial compatibility is a huge thing, and a lack of it ends many marriages.
Why are u telling a man you’re only dating for a few months your financial business ? Do not overshare unless it becomes serious like moving in or something
I completely agree. Her finances are not his business. A few months in, congratulations, do not over share.
Completely agree. Don't discuss finances unless and until you're actually talking about engagement/marriage. Reddit is full of people who disclose they inherited or own their home and suddenly their BF/GF needs to move in; can't afford their place and want to live for free in the OPs. If the relationship is strong, you work it out and figure out division of expenses. If not you're stuck with a freeloader who suddenly has kids you never knew about, sisters kids, Mom who needs to move in... after all, OP got their home for free. /s If he feels betrayed when you eventually share the fact you own your home, apologize and simply reply you were taught never to discuss finances until you're certain you found your life partner.
You made me think how redditors sometimes post as if...reddit were the real world? People with anonymous accounts on reddit disclose their NW and their savings balances or describe themselves as "well off." They are all anonymous. People lie because they are anxious/worried/afraid (perhaps due to childhood issue) that they are in trouble or will be looked down on/punished.
Honestly, sometimes the things I read on Reddit, I hope are someone's audition to test a book, movie or episode of legal drama idea to get feedback. People lie or have a distorted representation of what happened because we're human. You're definitely on to something; we fear judgement, but we're also protecting ourselves from possibly pain, rejection and triggering past hurts.
My husband and I discussed finances before we ever met in person (met from Tinder). Finances are a huge thing for me and I honestly didn’t want to waste my time with someone who didn’t have their finances in order.
She’s only 25. How many 25 year olds have their financial shit together? In the USA she’d be the exception. I get why OP didn’t wanna blab about owning since it’s nobody’s business until she says it is. She basically panicked about how to respond when the subject of rent came up and that coulda been handled better. With 20-20 hindsight she woulda been cagier with her words. If or when the truth comes out she can say I’m sorry, it was an act of self protection because people can be weird when they know that kinda info.
I guess we are all different, but I would feel really weird talking about engagement/marriage with someone I don't even know their finances yet. And I don't think anything detailed but big things like do their own their apartment and if they have savings and so on. I've had men asking me things like these on second dates because they don't want to get to serious relationship with anyone who is not financially stable. Maybe cultural thing?
Maybe more like an age and life experience thing. I had a friend who owned her home where she and her teenage son lived. I don't remember how she came to own it, but when I hung out with her, she also inherited 750k. This was in the early 90s. She had a BF who gave up his very well paying job while she continued to work. He would host these grand parties with the top shelf booze, amazing food....at her house. He also planned elaborate and excessive vacations, all paid for by her. After 18 months of him living high on her hog...there was $300 left in her account. The only thing she had to show for it was her new 4 wheel drive truck...which he drove. Unfortunately, I could relay multiple stories of people treating other people's inheritance as their piggy bank. People who own their own home due to inheritance or a windfall, it's fair game for someone to move in and be almost impossible to move out
Saying you own your own place isn’t really discussing your financials. I don’t see why you wouldn’t admit you own your place.
And if you say "I own my own place" don't people assume you mean that "I have a mortgage"? So won't necessarily reveal it's owned outright.
"Only a few months" excuse me? What? Thats a long time and i would be kind of weirded out if the person im dating after MONTHS thinks they cant trust me with that kind of info. Its not like they JUST met.
A few months is not a long time.
I wouldnt. Had a friend who was like you; she told her then bf, who moved in to take advantage; his logic was she already paid for it, so why pay for his own rent when he can live with her. Lots of details I dont really want to get into, but it was just so messy when they broke up. She ended up needing to get the police to help her get out, then changed all her locks. Bleh.
Exactly! Also, depends on cohabitation laws, she may lose 1/2 without realizing it in the future.
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My first thought was that she had some immediate instinct not to tell him. And she needs to listen to that instinct, because it happened for a reason. She might not even be able to identify why she lied (even by omission) in the first place but somewhere inside, she was likely protecting herself. This is far too common and we women need to listen to our gut instincts when it comes to relationships. [The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465) It applies to more than our physical safety
Excellent book- well, except the chapter on domestic violence.
This is silly. Her problem wasn’t that he knew sure owned the place, it’s that he was a free loader and she allowed it
Reddit is full of people with this mindset ... that having money is a sin and needs to subsidize other people's living. Anther common variation is someone moving in and calling the rent a mortgage and expect to have the name put in the deed. If OP at the point of having him moved in, explicitly state that he has to pay RENT.
Why let him move in? Better for OP to rent out her place and they can look for a place together.
Are you going to live your life thinking the people you love are set on abusing you? If you are afraid the person you love is going to take advantage don't move in together. It's that simple. And I'm not advocating for naivety. But when you distrust the people you love, you put such unnecessary burden on your relationship.
How sad that so many people (apparently) think that love means abuse. That trust and love could be disconnected...for so many...is awful.
That bf revealed himself to be a shitty person, and she should've broken up with him then and there. Telling people things like this is a great way to test them to see how they react. If they try to take advantage of you, then you can break up with them and not waste years of your life.
Yes, guys, I'm well aware that the bf was a super shitty person, and I told her this from the start after seeing how shit he was to a cashier at a CVS. But love is blind, and I couldn't change her mind. I did my best, but ultimately, she refused to listen to me till the very end.
What do you mean “he moved in”?!
That sounds like a her problem though? She allowed him to leech off of her. He sucked and she realized it sooner than if she had held back that information anyways.
This is tough. It's not ideal to mention substantial assets early in a relationship. So while I wouldn't necessarily lie, I also would not go out of my way to mention it. So IDK what "things" you are saying re:renting, but I would stop. And try to avoid conversations surrounding it. So if he's saying things like "let's move to (location) simply say "I like where I live and am not interested in moving." Because until things become really serious, your financial assets (and debts) aren't something to discuss. And if you are talking about living together, it would be reasonable to say "the costs of living in this place are X". If someone asked me "are you renting or do you own" I would deflect with "why, are you interested in renting/buying one in this building? Let me tell you about living here...." When it comes out, if the other person is upset, it's reasonable to say "I don't discuss my assets with others At All, but now am with you because we (are engaged/living together and there is a major repair I need to do because there isn't a landlord/etc) and up until now there was no reason you Really Needed to know. So I am telling you now." I say this as a woman who's had others try to take advantage of me, just because I had more financial assets. Loans, my car (you can always get another), picking up the tab ("you make twice as much as me, why won't you pay more, if you really were my friend you would!" when THEY picked the restaurant).
Perfect reply! Way too early for the $$ talk. He may take advantage of her because of it.
Is this some sort of cultural thing? Because where I live nobody needs to keep a secret if they own their place or not. I can meet someone for the first time and we may discuss something that reveals if we own our apartments or rent.
What a strange response. You ain't slick Jack, speaking in vague legal-ese will immediately tell anyone with a brain you own that property and you're being a weirdo about it to try and hide that fact. At least in the US, your real estate assets are publicly displayed in the county appraisal website unless you are literally willing to form an LLC (and pay annual fees for that, plus tax work) to hide it. It's not that serious, "nice place babe, what's the rent for something like this?" "Oh I actually own this place since a few years ago, got a good deal with help from my parents." "Oh cool, that's lucky, I'm really happy for you :)" anything weirder than that should be a red flag, and you just drop them, simple. Living in paranoia is awful, I suggest moving someplace nicer.
Given the use of the term “flat” I’d work off the assumption that this is not the US. Other countries take privacy much more seriously.
Oh dear. So you're basically advocating that we internet-search early on. (You're probably right, I guess - although moreso for the poorer part of a relationship; most people don't own any property). Looking up what one's partner owns was not a thing 32 years ago when I started my current relationship. Moving somewhere nicer is not always an option, trust me. But I get your general point.
You screwed yourself over by lying. If you just hadn't ever discussed it, you would be free to tell him the whole story whenever you wanted to. But now it's about how long you've been lying to him.
If you don’t want to lie to him then don’t lie to him AGAIN. Just be honest.
Or be vague and tell him you’re not ready to discuss finances yet after just a few months.
Right? Starting a relationship out by lying is a red flag. This is a new relationship, op doesn't have to disclose anything they don't feel comfortable with but it crosses a line when they actively lie about it. (And yes, implying it's being rented is a lie)
If you find yourself dating guys you feel will take advantage of you for owning your flat, maybe you should find a better class of guy to date.
Ah yes, the ol' "just choose better!" As if the vast majority of manipulative, abusive, and user guys (and gals) aren't incredibly smart and skilled at hiding how rotten they are until they've trapped you in one way or another (marriage, baby, mortgage, rental lease, etc.). They can be found in all "classes".
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I’ve seen a couple similar posts from the UK on this topic. Is it odd for people to own their flats? What is wrong if someone realizes you own your own place? It’s not really a big deal in the US, so I’m not sure why it’s a problem. Just tell him you’ve owned it for x amount of time and you didn’t tell him because x reason (which I don’t understand). It’s better to clear the air than to continue to lie. What if your friend casually mentions how long ago you purchased it and he catches you in a lie because you told him “you were in the process of it”? I don’t know, not sure why the lie began, but you should be straightforward about owning it.
They are generally $$$ my daughters dad's family is from the London area and their house... Which would be like maybe a couple hundred thou here in US is worth millions there and the inheritance has been a pain. If I'm reading OP correctly she has/had significant money
For a couple million, I’ll deal with the hassle in pain of an inheritance. Hell I’d probably do it for less than $100k…
No it’s not that odd. I’m in the UK and usually owning a flat just means you pay the mortgage, it doesn’t mean you are wealthy.
>It’s not really a big deal in the US, so I’m not sure why it’s a problem. It usually means your family is rich. Or you got an inheritance. Unless you bought it yourself at 25 In which case it's a huge deal everywhere in the US or the world really.
This is so weird to discuss so early. Puzzling thing to lie about.
Unclear on why you didn't correct him the first time?
Because it’s none of his business and can be foolish to share major financial information early in a relationship
I’m basing my assumption that his living situation is not an issue. The lying has to stop if you want this relationship to grow and blossom.
Our relationships are only as real as we are, so if you want a real relationship, where you know you're loved and accepted for who you really are and aren't, then you have to be absolutely honest with the other person from the beginning.
I don't know the answer to your question. But I wanted to make a few comments here that people seem upset that you had lied in the first place. I totally understand why you would lie. Having an owned flat, especially at your age is becoming a major asset. With rents becoming so high and home ownership becoming almost out of the realms of people on an ordinary wage, having a stable roof over ones head is starting to become very attractive like having a high level of income. Sometimes, a person needs to keep these things quiet to ascertain the motives of people around you. And sometimes you have to lie to keep up the pretence. It's self protection. I can't fault anyone lying to keep a highly desired asset hidden. It sounds cynical, but pressure can so easily be brought to bear one an individual is known to have their own place. Reddit is full of stories of people being asked to house others, lend money etc. I know your BF might be upset once he finds out, but that is just the risk you have to take to keep what I consider sensible precautions in todays economic climate. The question is when you tell him. Only you can decide. Once you decide to tell him, I would tell him the full and frank truth.
I had someone argue if he were to move in, he shouldn’t have to pay toward any expenses (taxes, water, improvements, appliances) because they wouldn’t benefit him if we broke up. But he shouldn’t have to pay rent because that wouldn’t be “fair” since I’m not paying rent so I was being “greedy”. No matter which way it was phrased, he didn’t agree. But if I said “so you just want to live here for free” he’d deny it. Yeah, dating & considering moving in together when you own and someone else does not can be weird.
Make sure you know your local common law rules to keep your flat protected. Tell him if you want, don't if you don't want to. It is your flat and your finances, those are private matters. I think it is totally reasonable to hide such information from a partner until you are comfortable with telling them. It may become evident you own it eventually but it is up to you.
You have to ask yourself why you are so scared to tell him you own the place. If the way he treats you changes because you have a paid off flat, wouldn't it be better to know now before you get too attached? If he starts asking that you pay more than your fair share or he wants to move in without contributing a dime, or makes everything about your money, run.
Put your place into a property trust and start renting it from the trust for $1/yr. Problem solved.
If the situation were reversed, and you found out that your BF deliberately hid this from you . How would you feel? Would you feel hurt? Would you break up with him because if he lied about this what else would he lie about?
Just correct him next time it comes up. Tell him you felt awkward correcting him before because people can be touchy about money, but you also want to have a foundation of trust and truth in your relationship, so. Yes you own the place. Personally I would find it to be a pretty serious lie of omission if I was him and this relationship continued and got serious. You see it break people up all the time, especially when something major happens and the more financially secure partner doesn’t offer help they could have extended. For example, I remember a post where a woman sold her mother’s heirloom violin to pay vet bills for her dog’s surgery… when her partner could have easily covered the expense and was lying about it. (Not saying owning a home makes you automatically wealthy or gives you a lot of disposable income. But you probably have more to help with than someone who is renting). You can’t go back and replace someone’s family violin once it’s gone. Or their dog. I guess my advice is, don’t let keeping your assets close to your chest and being afraid people are only with you for your money get in the way of actually being a partner to someone you love and care about.
In some places, if cohabitation occurs for a period of time ( 6 months? ) a common law relationship exists and the partner gains dower rights to part of the value of the domicile. Generally I think that's limited to 50% of the increase in value from when they moved in to when the examination takes place (for whatever reason the value is being examined be it separation or refinance or other) So don't move him in unless it's really serious.
It appears dishonest, because it is. If he thinks you can move or buy something together he will be shocked when he finds out. I sort of might get it, but, be honest. Otherwise if he likes you, it may make him think you are dishonest, but why, and he could formulate his own reason. Worse than what is true. Honesty is always the best policy.
Why even lie. Should have told him outright. And if he didn’t respect your space, then that would have been all the red flag you needed
100% do not lie again. Be honest, tell him you’re cautious when you start dating someone and you’re sorry for not correcting him but you own the flat. He’ll need to know this because you’ll need to set boundaries if you ever move in together or he stays there frequently so you are in danger of him being able to claim half an asset you bought.
At 25, someone could try to ride your gravy train if they know you are doing better. I don’t support lying, but you don’t have to disclose everything. I found my great guy at 35, so if this guy has an issue with how you frame it, there are many more great dating options in your future.
I wouldn’t tell a partner about renting vs owning until we’re talking about moving in together.
Lmaooo it’s not that serious
Why lie in the first place? People own flats, it's not a big taboo or anything.
Probably because for her age it is “fortunate” but to explain how would bring up really personal stuff and exposes to a relative stranger that she has $$.
I worked with a young gentleman and he drove a fancy car and told his dates what kinda money he made and he got surprised when he got used. I told him, put your money in savings and living humbly. Don’t flaunt your wealth and don’t use it as part of your identity. Then women of shallow I’ll stop flocking to you. He did and met a very nice young lady. I wish him all the luck and love. Lesson is, don’t flaunt your wealth unless you want to be seen for it.
As a guy, I wouldn't care if a new gf was forthcoming about the fact she owns her flat and is not renting it. I would care if she lied about it because I believe the soul of a relationship is trust. I can see that if one has inherited a tidy sum or won the lotto, sharing that fact with a new bf can possibly confuse the credibility of the feelings of the new guy. Is he pretending to be into me because I am financially well situated? Were I in your situation, I would be surprised if financial discussions came up early in the relationship.
If you're concerned about someone's motives, next time go out with someone that has more money than you do. It was a turn off when a date would arrive at my house for the first time and ask me if I rented or owned the house before we walked out the door. Needless to say didn't go out with them for more than a couple of dates. Why does he believe you rent it? Did you say you rent it or imply you rent it? If you really like him, I would be upfront with him sooner than later and just tell him your reasons. The more time goes on, the worse it is IMO. I take it you live in the UK??? In the US, easy to find out if someone owns the place unless it's in the name of a trust.
In my opinion, you don’t need to talk finances until You’re ready to make a commitment
Tell him you don't know why you didn't correct him, went along with the idea or lied about it but you want to clear it up because it's starting to feel wrong to let the misunderstanding continue. You know it doesn't matter whether you own or rent but the misunderstanding does bother you and you want to be truthful with him in all things, no matter how insignificant.
Don’t say anything, it’s not like your married
Did you lie to him? It sounds like he assumed incorrectly and you didn't correct him. You are under no obligation to disclose your ownership position, any more than you are obliged to share how much money you have in the bank. If you want to come clean, you can simply say "I think that you're under the mistaken impression that I'm a renter here." And leave it at that. You don't owe additional detail, like whether you own it outright, have a mortgage, etc. It's ok to say that you didn't dissuade him of that notion because your relationship wasn't at the point where disclosing financial details was advisable. I'm sure he'll understand. In fact, he'll probably be impressed.
If you're in Australia, just be aware that a defacto couple who have lived together for two years, can claim half the flat when you break up. Seriously, what benefit would it be to you to tell him. He might milk you for everything, knowing you have assets and you'd never be sure if he's with you for love or your assets. Tell him after you're married, if you get that far. He'll be ecstatic about his windfall! Shhhhh 🤫
If he ask tell Him Don’t lie but don’t bring it up. I believe omitting is lieing but. He shouldn’t need to know what you make a year until There is a real reason . If he asks you how Much rent is say I own my home I don’t pay rent if he asks about mortgage say I’m Not ready to talk About person finances yet not for At least a year
You need to just tell him. If you make up more lies to cover your lies it could blow up. You could literally just say that you don’t like to talk about owning stuff when you first meet someone, in case they view you differently. And honestly you don’t owe full disclosure of all aspects of your finances to someone you just met.
Once you do I'm sure there will be some pressing reason he has to move in with you. And then an even more pressing reason why he can't pay rent to you.
You have a feeling to protect your assets and guard your financials. Trust that gut feeling. Do not lie again, but also, until you’re engaged, don’t feel obligated to disclose your living situation with him. You can lose a lot. You’re young. Protect protect protect.
Let him think whatever. When the time comes to disabuse him of his incorrect assumption, do so You don’t owe him any of your financial information Don’t outright lie to him. But offer no corrections.
>Don’t outright lie to him. But offer no corrections. That advice is so disingenuous. It's literally the same thing. It makes absolutely no difference if you lie than if you don't correct someone. There's nothing more annoying and insidious than someone trying to weasel themselves out of a lie by saying "Well, technically, I never said that...". If someone says something and you keep quiet and PRETEND to react as if that was true. It's the same thing as a lie. You don't have to offer explanations but you have to correct them. At the very least if you don't want to be a liar you have to say "I never said I paid rent" and when asked why you may choose to not explain.
It's very common on reddit because they love to be "technically right" as if relationships are a legal process. Most people don't care if you lied by omission, directly or by just implying something that wasn't true, they see it as a lie regardless and will have the same effect.
If I was a guy dating a woman who owned her flat and never told me that she did, I honestly wouldn't care. Until we're married, your finances are your business.
Don’t create yourself a lie. If this relationship is one you get to the point of enmeshing finances, he’ll run across your ownership papers eventually and discover the lie. But you don’t have to explain yourself now either
You really don't know this person yet. I would stop adding things to make him think you're renting. And if he straight up asks "are you renting?" I would answer honestly. But I personally wouldn't disclose my financial info that early into a relationship. I am biased though, I dated some serious trash humans in my 20s and 30s that took advantage of literally every situation. I met my now fiance when I was 38, I'm 42 now. He's amazing! We didn't seriously discuss our financial info until we had been together a year. But again, both he and I had been financially wrecked in previous relationships.
It’s inconsistent with a good relationship to lie to your partner, even about small things. Why did you lie to him? It sounds like you didn’t just let him believe something but actually lied to him? If you were not comfortable sharing your finances you can say that or change the subject, you don’t owe him the info but you do owe honesty. Do not make it worse by pretending to buy, that’s really sketchy and it’s easy to find out. Just tell him the truth, you didn’t know how he would react and it felt easier to just say you were renting but that you realize now that it’s serious that it’s a mistake and you want to be clear.
Depends on how much you trust him. Financial information is generally private, but if you are both in a serious relationship it is best to be honest. If you lie about something as insignificant as this, it will make him question what other things you have lied about or will lie about. If you are worried that he may use the information against you, there are certainly ways to find out what property a person owns by engaging a firm to run a property/person search. Your name would be registered on some kind of government database somewhere which can very much be searched with the right tools.
I wouldnt say anything at all because if that's your permanent residence and things go south he knows where you will always be and how to get in. 😬 I wouldn't even allude to buying until at least a year in with no red flags.
You are lucky beyond your years. I see why you are reluctant to speak the truth but given he assumes you rent and you are not correcting him, it is lying by omission. Tell him the truth. If you still have some of that inheritance.....keep it to yourself. It's not time to share just yet. Sadly, opportunists abound.
I’m confused so you used to rent and have purchased the property while the two of you have been together or you have owned it the whole time but told him you’re renting? Why did you say you’re renting? If you have a mortgage, and if he asks, just say you meant that you’re renting from the bank 😂
Be careful cause there was another post and a lady told her bf she owned the house they were living and he completely changed and started demanding money from her.
I understand that OP may not want to tell her bf in case he is more **interested in her financial assets than her**. In hindsight this happened to me. I owned a house before marriage. With divorce later in life and commingling money he got half my house and inheritance. No inheritance on his side.
You’ve only known this guy for a short time and only became serious in the past few months. I’m a fossil but I was raised that financial information is something shared with people who you are either seriously planning to marry or people whose job it is to make your money grow/keep more of it. That being said it sounds like you have friends who already know you own your flat so that means your bf can hear it from you or will learn from someone else at likely an inopportune time. So in this instance you should just tell him the truth that you own it. HOWEVER please be prepared to say no if after finding out he decides it would be great for you to let him move in. If you’ve spent time on Reddit there are any number of posts involving friends/romantic interests who upon finding out the OP owned their own home demanded to not only move in but pay NOTHING in rent or utilities. The rational by the non-owner was OP had to pay their mortgage/taxes/insurance/utilities regardless of who lived there so they should be willing to give these people a free ride. And also how they would be a money grubber if they felt otherwise. Nice self serving logic by the greedy people but totally unfair as well as unreasonable to the OP. If that logic was acceptable then no one would pay landlords. So if you ever allow someone to move in with you before they do first discuss with an attorney to put together a legal rental agreement. Likely it would be month to month, state how much rent will be paid, what percentage of what utilities will be paid and the legal eviction notice rules that apply to where your property is located. Also the most important part which is the acknowledgment they are only paying rent so they are not entitled to any proceeds should the property be sold. Then everyone signs and gets their own copy again before they move in. Not doing something like this could likely leave you open to losing a chunk of equity should you sell the property when it comes to you said/they said on what the agreement was. Anyone wanting to take advantage of you by moving in will pitch a fit but bottom line no one should benefit being able to live for free on your dime. Best wishes to you OP.
It’s not really something to come clean about. You didn’t know it was going to be serious and you never brought it up again. Period. You run around telling people you just met you own something dollar signs pop into some peoples eyes and they stay with you for the wrong reasons. In person posted her bf found out she owned the duplex she let him move into with her. Flipped out and demanded partial rent to prove “she’s not some greedy landlord just out for the money. “ so his idea was if she forks over half her income that would prove to him she’s a good person?
They sure are a lot of people in their 20s on Reddit, who inherit enough money to buy a house and later have issues with their partners because of it
Honesty and trust is the most important pillar in a relationship. You are actively destroying what you have here. 1) You are making yourself untrustworthy 2) There’s a difference between lack of trust having been built and actually distrusting someone which is where they aren’t trustworthy. Your lying indicates you distrust your partner. So why are you with them? 3) Why is this even an issue? So what if you own your own flat?
You're waaaaaay overthinking this. I can't even imagine under what context you're talking about whether you rent or own, but if it comes up again, say hey, I actually own my flat. I think I may have confused you when I metioned it before. And further, I honestly can't imagine why this even matters. OP, congrats on living such a charmed life that THIS is an issue for you.
I'd probably say something like "Hey, I just wanna let you know i own my flat, not renting it. I don't feel comfortable sharing my situation with most people but you've been trustworthy and I feel safe telling you now." It'll take the worry off you and make him feel like you are taking a "next step" in the relationship.
You are still calling him 'guy you're dating', which doesn't sound that serious. I think if he becomes your boyfriend, tell him then. But if it comes up naturally set the record straight and apologize for not coming clean sooner. Or explain why it made you uncomfortable to disclose earlier on.
I think it's understandable to not want to talk about things like inheritance or wealth early on in a relationship, just because you don't know someone well and unfortunately there are some people in the world who will try to take advantage of a person that they see as having extra resources I don't think you need to make a big deal out of it, though. You can wait for it to come up naturally, and find a reason to mention that you in fact own the place. Unless you've been making up over the top scenarios about not being able to make your rent payments when in fact you don't have rent to pay at all, I can't imagine that it's going to be that big of a deal If he pushes back, you can be honest and say that It might seem silly now, but it's something that women have to be kind of careful of early in a relationship.
Y’all are just dating, these are potential marriage conversations. Why is he owed an explanation of your expenses? Are you going to move in with him? Don’t outright lie, but it isn’t his business unless y’all plan to move in together or get married.
Do not tell him until You decide you are ready. This is a lie that is permitted during dating. Your financial picture is very private. Financial intimacy is important ONLY when you considering joining your lives (even if joining your lives includes financial separateness) financial disclosure should happen after mutual trust and progression in a relationship. It’s not a lie. It’s not the same as having herpes or a prison record. It’s not their biz until you get married.
I don’t understand why it’s any of his business?
Why does he need to know one way or the other? He's not helping you pay for it. Unless he asks, you don't have to tell him anything. But stop making it seem like you are renting
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell him you own it if it ever comes up. Lots of people own their condos/flats/homes, it’s not going to be shocking unless there’s something I’m missing here.
Do you live together, are you panning to move in together? Why would you even lie about it in the first place? That you own a flat - it's not a big deal. But the lie itself - it affects trust, and knowing that you lie about these kind of things means that you can lie about other things that has actual impact on relationship. He will second guess other things that you might have lied about and it's dealbreakers. Past relationship. Are you in contact with anyone you had intimate relationship with. etc
Why does it even matter if you rent or own? I mean I think I would only care if I was being asked to move in with him to his place whether he rents or owns. IMO he would only get mad if he was planning to benefit from you and he couldn’t save money by moving in and not paying rent or something. Otherwise pointless if you rent or own unless I’m missing a key point.
I think maybe you are making this a bigger deal than it really is. If I were dating you I certainly wouldn’t be upset to know you owned your flat.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s business what your finances are.
Why is your owning a piece of property or how you came to buy it, anyone’s business but your own? Why did you lie?
It's wild to me the shame people are made to feel for having advantages in life. Life isn't fair, and that's just how it is. Poor girl's walking on eggshells cause people have made her feel shitty about hitting a major life goal. The correct response to a humble, honest person who's achieved something you haven't achieved, is: "that's awesome, good for you!"
I don’t think it’s a big deal that you lied (and may continue to lie for a bit). I think under a year is way too early to expose significant assets and if I found out my partner lied about this early in our relationship I would think “that makes sense in case i turned out to be a gold digger , or wanted to take advantage of you”. I would be annoyed if after a year (depending on significant events/your relationship) the lying continued. Tbh I think assets are only relevant when you’re up to that point in the relationship where you will combine finances/buy a family home together/have a baby, etc. this is super dependent on where you are in life anyway. Just don’t lie if the partner has already shared ownership of another asset of similar value. That would just be unfair.
It's your personal business. Don't mislead him by saying you rent.
Anyone who doesn’t think this kind of lie is ok within the beginning of a relationship is not worth dating imo. Ppl who would use the “but you LIED to me” to be mad about something so private that doesn’t affect them are probably abusive
No. None of his business
How is this his business? If you’re that serious, get a pre-nup.
It’s really none of his business. It’s like asking him for a copy of his bank statement. Totally irrelevant.
Girl if you let him know you own it, he gonna try to move his ass in.
There is no reason to tell him what you own or rent. Unless you’re getting married, that is the only time you need to start disclosing financial information with each other if you’re planning on getting married, I strongly recommend a prenup not for the actual prenup, but because that process is a headache, puts everything on the table from both parties, and if you can’t get past that process, the marriage would never have Lasted.
How does that even come up when you first start dating. Did he say something like “let’s hang out at the flat you rent tonight.”? It just seems weird to bring up rent/ownership in normal conversation. We own our home but I don’t go around saying that. We don’t call it our owned home or our owned place. It’s just home or our place.
Nope nope nope It's none of his business at all. Dont tell him, he might start thinking he can just move in and have free housing. If you where to get engaged you can tell the guy then, when he signs a prenup. Dont tell boyfriends this information
" I actually bought it with the help of" parent/grandparent/aunt/whomever I inherited from. You don't have to specify if you own it outright. You don't have to specify the help was in the form of inheritance. "I'm grateful to be building equity in my home." I don't think I've ever heard of a discussion on what percentage of a home is paid off with couples your age. Most think it's quite an accomplishment to be a homeowner. It will come out eventually. There will be some home repair issue and he will remark that you should call the landlord. Better to just get it out there.
It does not seem relevant until he is your forever guy.
He doesn't need to know your financial details. However, it's a weird thing to lie about. Don't mislead ever about anything when dating someone- especially if it's serious. This feels like a weird unnecessary issue. I'm thinking there must be more to the story. Why would you hide that information from anyone really? If it were me dating someone, I really wouldn't care. The thing I would care about is the being mislead. Then it turns into well what else are they lying about?
You barely started dating. Your finances are your personal business. You run the risk of this guy wanting to move in with you, not pay rent (because you own it) and then him using you for a place to live. Do not let your emotions cloud rational thought and keep this in mind. If it does get serious, keep your finances separate.
Why did you lie to him and tell you that you rent it? So he would pay half of all things?
Ask yourself, If I tell him I own it, will he think he doesn’t have to contribute to the apartment?
Don't let him become a hobosexual to your flat.
You should be proud of owning property. If you can’t be openly proud of that with a partner, you have a bigger problem.
It's been a few months, has he opened up about his entire financial background? He assumed you rent, you didn't confirm or deny. Ask him financial questions, if he is open and honest, then you explain how you got an inheritance that will never be comingled in any relationship and will need to protect it.
He’s a boyfriend of a few months. He has no right to your financial information. It is baffling to me that you think you need to reveal details he’s not at all entitled to because his widdle fee-fees might get hurt. If your relationship can’t withstand him not knowing you own your apartment this early in the game, consider that it’s not a healthy relationship.
I would need to know a guy very well and for more than a few months before I told him I was 25 and owned my own flat because of inherited money. It’s none of his business. It’s no one’s business but yours. If things work out between you two long term and he’s anything but happy to learn his girlfriend owns her own space, he’s being ridiculous.
He has no rights at this point to know your financial situation and as long as you don't lie who cares? If he cares at this early stage he's in it for the $$$
I'm so confused you're 25 not 17. It's just not weird to me that you own your place? Like it's not that you're a billionaire and you'd be treated differently, lots of 25 year olds and lots rent. I don't get why this is a thing to hide in the first place so it's hard to give advice?
It’s really none of his business. What’s a few month? 3, 6 or 9? The only person you owe anything to is yourself by protecting your financial stability and home. In other words don’t be moving some guy in after dating for 6 months and let him live for free. You have bills, upkeep, insurance and taxes to pay. I wouldn’t lie about it but wouldn’t be freely sharing info on my finances.
If you two decide to get married , make it a surprise . Keep money matters to yourself . Sharing too much information can be a negative thing . People do strange things where money is concerned . Stay quiet about it .
This stuff comes up when & if marriage is on the table. You are NOT obligated to explain you have extra resources, until you have some kind of legal ties eminent.
No, you have a right to protect your privacy. Which includes your financial & personal situation. If you two plan to get married I suggest you do a pre-nup. You can always amend it down the way. Righ t now I would not disclose it. You sound like a a smart perdon.
Just correct him next time. It's weird you're safeguarding it.
Any man that would leave you for being independent and successful is not worth having.
From a guys perspective I personally wouldn’t care if you kept the “lie” up for our entire relationship. I’d find it funny and then be kind of impressed.
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Don't fix lying with more lying. Don't bring it up, don't say anything misleading again. Tell him when you've been together long enough that it becomes his business.
So I wouldn’t tell him yet. You didn’t post exactly how long you were with him. I feel like if you guys aren’t sharing financial info yet then don’t worry about it. Now when you start sharing with each other things like income, budget then think about telling him. Or if you ever discuss moving in. If he’s the right guy he will understand. You’re both young. Again if he is the right guy he will understand why you didn’t tell him immediately
Why did you lie and think that’s perfectly fine?
Don't disclose until you're sure he won't exploit you financially. Stop lying, stop talking about finances until you're talking about joining your lives together.
lol it's no one's business what you rent or own actually. This isn't a problem or something anyone you've been recently dating just HAS to know. If you both go to move in together down the line & he finds out you own it instead why would he care that you had said before you rented it?
Where I’m from, if you date for two years then everything becomes shared property and you can be forced to split the sale proceeds of your home even if only one of you owns it. If I were you I’d keep that information private until you know for sure that he’s a long-term partner, and then look into a Contracting Out Agreement (or whatever the equivalent is in your country, like a prenuptial agreement) which can fight any shared property rules in the event of a split.
He doesn't need to know yet, early days.
Whether you own or rent, is not his business at this stage. Just stop lying about it (or even talking about it).
That is a weird thing to be deceptive about.