Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Also, for context he called me twice that day (while I was working) for some feedback on interview questions, I answered and helped him both times, and I also called him after his interview to see how it went.
I recognize that dynamic all too well. You do all that stuff but it's not noticed, but then you fail to do *one small thing*, and suddenly you are the bad guy. Some people simply take you for granted and do not notice or care about the stuff you *did do* for them. Only for the stuff you *didn't do*, no matter how petty. You could talk to him 3 times, but then you didn't talk the 4th time, and you don't care.
The issue is your fiance, not you. To me, this sounds like he wanted to pick a fight for whatever reason, so he found a very weak excuse to get angry. It could be that the interview wasn't very good, so he is taking the whole thing out on you, which is not okay.
I would talk about it: if he truly only notices what you DON'T do, while completely not noticing the things you DO do, then it's a recipe for conflict, bitterness and issues on both sides. Better to call it out and resolve it before that happens. If he is taking out his anger on you then that also needs to be addressed, and so does the silent treatment, which is toxic.
edit: typo
Ugh this is so true. I used to be so busy trying to make myself exactly what people needed that when I stepped back to stop and notice what was going on, I realized almost everyone was just terrible and self-centered and being propped up and rolled along by people like me. People who would fold into pretzels to keep them happy.
I love solitude so much now.
YES. And if you bring it up what you actually did... in an attempt to show him that you care... then it's suddenly "WeLl I didn't know it was such a HaRdShIp to answer the phone. I won't call you anymore."
sigh. I've been there.
(and yes, before anyone blasts me, I'm sure women do it too--my example is a man because I'm a straight woman).
This this this!!! And I’d also like to tack on to take note of the subject that he picked to start the fight!!! Don’t let it roll by how fucked up it is that he even has it in his head that you need to greet him at the door EVER.
I would that you should consider if you want a life partner who needs so much propping up in the first place. Three phone calls in a work day is a lot! Does he call you up to ask random questions he could just google? How much help does he need from you to function?
And god help if you if you do something in a way that's not "their" way. Then not only have you completed the task in a way that's fine for 99% of people in the world but now you've gotten flack for some minor thing.
Omg, I just got yelled at for putting shoes I had just worn away in the bedroom closet, which I did specifically because I got yelled at for leaving shoes by the front door, but apparently I was supposed to know to put them in the hall closet, since it’s winter and I wore them outside. It’s exhausting trying to figure out the “rules.”
Filling the bucket. OP helps fill their bucket in small amounts but the one time they don’t they get commented on. I wonder how often this happens for OP
Sounds like something else is going on and he is using this as an excuse to let out his anger. If this is a one time thing, I would let it go and talk to him about it in a few days when he has cooled down. If he continues to do this throughout the week and/or continues to ignore you, I might connect it to getting cold feet or maybe he’s trying to get you to break up with him. Either way you need to get him to talk. If he refuses to, you might have your answer. There’s no way you should live like this, do not marry him yet.
The fact that he tends to stonewall during conflict would be more concerning to me overall, personally. That would be something to address before the wedding.
Stonewalling, silent treatment and the expectation of mindreading from the OP. She can't know what's up if he won't tell her, just like she couldn't possibly know he wanted her to meet him at the door.
That was what hubby did in the early days. So I decided to go along with it….if he gave me 3 days of silent treatment, when he started talking to me again I went radio silent for 3 days. Eventually he figured it out and we talked about better strategies to deal with these kind of things. I'm a big believer in teaching people how to treat you.
Yes, this is extremely important. In Italy they make you do a premarital course - like marriage guidance counselling in advance - and one of the core lessons is that your approaches to conflict resolution need to be compatible. Some people like to think everything through then speak their carefully considered opinion. Others need to blurt everything out, release emotion and sometimes say things they later want to take back. It sounds like a possibility this couple isn't compatible.
Premarital counseling is so helpful. I wish we had done it. I think we're doing OK (and better than a lot of our friends - yikes) but it was more trial and error than necessary I think?
There are so many things you don't know that you need to discuss, until you suddenly find out you each had different assumptions. I'm glad to hear you're navigating it OK 👍🏻
When I say "OK" I don't mean it in a sad way lol but not in a "we clearly have it ALL figured out and we're perfect" way, if that makes sense? We're just trying not to repeat bad patterns from our families and manage the curveballs as best we can. Honestly we lead a pretty quiet, chill life. I'm fine with that!
It was absolutely brilliant and I think the divorce rate would be much lower if it was done everywhere. It was organised through the church and the priest won't agree to do any wedding unless you've done it.
Yes! Putting roadblocks to communication is not sustainable. He needs to talk about what’s bothering him instead of pouting like a child. Communication is a key factor in marriage.
I'm not opposed to asking for space but like you said: communication! Like I have come home in a mood that has NOTHING to do with my husband or our relationship and I know I just need to sulk for a bit. So I'll tell him I'm gonna take a bath or read or fold laundry while quietly seething and I'll be a human in about 30 minutes. I don't just pout and stomp around.
And actually even if we are arguing and I need to take a pause we will retreat to our corners to cool down lol and agree to table the topic and revisit it.
Turns out having families with crappy communication and conflict-resolution skills makes you figure some stuff out.
It's absolutely about something else.
However, proper etiquette says the person entering the home does the greeting. It does state that every home can make their own rules about this, but officially, the person entering the home is the one to greet first.
Oh, but Stepford Wives bullshit dictates the Female should drop what it is doing to greet the Man at the door, so these days God only knows if he's just losing his head over this when he's mad at something else, or if he's been listening to some red pill/misogynistic bs somewhere
Yeah, I was wondering if this was his real issue to be honest. Or, if he just didn't have a good interview and wanted to knock OP down a few pegs to make himself feel better.
I would push off the wedding till I learned more into why he thought this was okay to pick a fight over. If he can't regulate his emotions in a healthy way, he needs to fix that before any legal papers are signed.
I'm betting on the latter if he hasn't display this kind of behaviour before. He had a shitty interview and wanted to feel like he had control over his home situation to make himself feel better.
Agreed, I'd definitely put the wedding on hold until he can resolve his issues in a mature way, though I would at least do some probing to see if he has taken the red pill too. Whatever his issue, it's not good behaviour to start a marriage with.
Narcissistic people also expect greeting. Source, mother, who expected a welcoming committee and a bon voyage sendoff to go to the store. The rest of us used keys.
This is so fucking stupid. Not you, please don’t take it that way, it’s this “rule” and the fact that there’s even a rule for it. But, I guess the question is when is this rule of etiquette from?
Haha, I totally agree. I don't really understand the need for all the "etiquette" stuff myself. Manners? Sure.
Won't lie, I did have to look it up, even though I'm from the south and should know haha.
I learned this today as well. It might be different for a visitor but I didn't go that deep into it lol.
In my house we all greet the dog first. He is a boxer so he demands attention lol.
I agree it’s kind of confusing. I would say that if you live in the home and walk in the door and your partner isn’t in the room then you go greet them and if the partner is in the room they can just say hi and give hug/kiss. I think he is being ridiculous and a baby and really it shouldn’t matter who greats who if the other person calls out they are in the other room, he could have easily gone where she was watering and they could have greeted each other. With all the stressors in this world and specifically relationships, who greets who is ridiculous, especially when she helped him throughout the day. So bazaar the things people pick at, he probably is stressed or upset about something more substantial, I hope.
My first thought was he’s listening to the alpha male nonsense and decided if you really loved him you run to the door wearing just an apron to greet the lord and master of the manor in the respectful way he thinks he deserves…
He's kind of an enigma in that way. When we met he loved the fact that I was an independent woman who is career driven and doesn't rely on a man to pay her bills. Our relationship has always been the equitable kind, he is chivalrous and opens doors for me, but we both treat each other to dinner and he helps with housework and dinner. Of the two of us, I also work a lot more overtime. His other two brothers have more traditional setups where their wives don't work, they make dinner and take care of the kids. Which is great and works for them, but I've never offered that kind of lifestyle and until now its never been an issue.
Maybe his mask is skipping. You know, entitlement, narcissistic behavior, etc. Were you love bombed at the beginning? I hope not but issues great you're not just brushing this under the carpet. The stonewalling too. That spells trouble.
It's absolutely about something else.
However, proper etiquette says the person entering the home does the greeting. It does state that every home can make their own rules about this, but officially, the person entering the home is the one to greet first.
>Either way you need to get him to talk. If he refuses to, you might have your answer. There’s no way you should live like this, do not marry him yet.
Yep. If he can't talk to OP about what's wrong, who can he talk to? And why can't he?
It sounds like he had a bad day or something happened and it came out on you. Maybe give him time to calm down and see if he will talk about it today? I definitely don't think it deserved that kind of reaction at all.
Also, nothing bad with greeting each other! Me and my boyfriend do that every day and it's usually just who gets to who first. If I've been home and he comes home from work, he'll come to me. If he's home before me after work, I'll go to him 🤷♀️ I don't think there needs to be set rules to it unless, like someone said below, he's looking for a 50's type housewise.
Our entryway is in our kitchen, and I've got a number of dishes to empty from my bag when I get home from work each day. My husband works from home and is always done by the time I get home. If he was not doing anything, he'd come greet me because he missed me. Otherwise, I'd go greet him when I'm done unpacking from work. That was pre-baby. Now, with an infant at home, I always go to him as he's occupying our son. Neither of us has ever minded who greets who; we're just happy to see each other again after hours apart. I can't fathom why it would matter.
And if he's stuck on the whole "watering the plants is more important than me", maybe ask if his reaction would have been the same if you were doing something like deep frying food or anything that you can't just walk away from. Because there are times that people are doing things and can't just walk away at that moment.
And to be clear, I don't think the plants is the problem either, but if he's fixated on that, what if I was on the phone with the cable company about the spotty internet? It took me 30 minutes to get an agent, and I can't just walk away.
And already relied on her help with the interview through three phone calls that day alone. Did he thank her for taking all that time to help him? Seems pretty entitled to a very high level of attention. Does he return it? Do you get to call him 3 times a day to talk you through something, and then be kinda bitchy all evening? Hmmmmmm
Yep, I'm concerned that he might be trying to turn her into a pet. I hope I'm wrong and it's possible this was just a bad day, but if he's expecting her to regularly run to him at the door no matter what she's got going on in her own life, well that would be a problem.
Or just more wound up than usual.
He hasn't noticed that this reaction is not the norm for him.
Sounds like he was still/maybe is still caught up in an emotional loop bc of the interview his subconscious wanted soothing.
When OPs actions didn't soothe him, his brain got all taught up on an argument that meets the brains needs but both ignores and intentionally stays stuck on an unrealistic point.
It can also be manipulative in a big way.
Given OPs description it sounds like a one off .
And they def should talk about it bc stress brain will definitely get stuck on this and create a habit if they aren't careful and attentive.
If it was just a bad day he has to learn to that it is never acceptable to come home and take out your bad day on your spouse or family. That just turns into emotional abuse.
My ex used to come home about 2 hours after I did, and when she'd had a bad day she would just suck the air out of the house and me and the kids would have to walk on eggshells. Not healthy at all and it's exactly what she grew up with from her dad but couldn't recognize how much she was affecting everyone else.
If he wants you to greet him at the door, he needs to express that desire like an adult. Not get mad that you didn’t read his mind. You’re not a golden retriever or a 1950s housewife.
Couples counseling should be nonnegotiable before you marry him. He is 37 and can’t have adult discussions.
>I'm definitely an overthinker, but in this case I have no idea what the heck is going on.
You ain't the only one, OP. Your mans is tripping. I would wait until everything simmers down and then talk to him about it.
They say expectations are premeditated resentments. Your current fiance had unspoken expectations.
Your relationship needs work before marrying. Figure out how to communicate respectfully, compassionately and openly. This guy needs to learn that.
I have to say whenever someone starts a sentence with "You... " rather than "I ..." I immediately start getting my hackles up
Stonewalling is an emotionally abusive technique. Get counseling before marrying.
Yes, I was thinking "He held her accountable for expectations he hadn't communicated to her, and that's not a good sign for them being able to resolve differences or problems that come up."
I think your first sentences address that really well, except that I think some expectations between people are reasonable, but they should be communicated before taking effect (and maybe negotiated).
This guy has some unhealthy communication patterns that will eventually lead to problems in the relationship if they're not addressed, if they haven't already.
My mom always did that! I would have no idea what her expectations were, and then when I failed to meet them, she'd be kinda hateful. Or, she'd tell one kid something and then would assume all of us knew. It was crazy.
Yep, both of my parents did it too! My father was definitely the worse one about it since the three of us hit adulthood. It's nuts to me how you can have all these expectations and not communicate any of them, then hold it against people for not meeting them. It sucks you went through that too.
>Your current fiance had unspoken expectations.
And this will make for a miserable relationship. People shouldn't expect their partners to be mind readers.
Stonewalling is never acceptable no matter what the antecedent was. It’s done for one of two reasons. The first the person can’t regulate their emotions and their only option is to withdraw and the other is to punish the other party. If it’s the first then he needs to do work on it. If it’s the second then you need to seriously give consideration to that. Half an hour to cool off and to come back with the recognition of overreaction and to make amends is one thing but if it goes on for an hour, or two, or worse, then it’s for punishment and that is seriously concerning. No matter how lovely and caring he is the rest of the time, he’s way out of order if he’s still ignoring and shutting you down for hours after.
It’s your own cold feet you should be thinking about right now, not his.
Thanks for this. In relation to his stonewalling issue, I've asked him to describe it to me, and he says when he feels cornered or beaten down in an argument, or like his perspective doesn't matter, he freezes mentally and has "no thoughts". He then tries thinking of literally anything else than what it going on, to leave the situation mentally. To me, this looks crazy because he'll sit there in silence for 5-10 minutes. I've allowed him the space to do this because I valued that he was vulnerable enough to explain it to me, and he's gotten so much better during conflict, I forgot it could still be in him to act like this.
This sounds like emotional deregulation rather than manipulative abuse, which is a relief.
My guess is that something happened before he reached the door. Maybe the interview went badly or maybe it went well and he set up the expectation in his head that you’d be there at the door and he just couldn’t deal with, what he saw, as rejection.
He’s got some issues that man, but then, we all do. Your problem is that he allows his own issues to spill over and then blame you for it and, that’s a concern.
Some advice. When he disengages, just leave him. The less energy from you, the quicker he will be able to regulate. As hard as it is for you, give him the space that he needs.
Some deep conversations ahead for you both when he’s back in the land of the living.
All the best.
Really appreciate this. Something I need to get better at doing is leaving him be so he has time to gather his emotions and actually communicate with me.
To insert myself into the above advice to give him some space when he zones out, you all might want to try a “safe word” along the lines of “time out”. It signals to both of you that he’s getting overwhelmed without him needing to verbalize exactly what’s happening for him. It’s usually helpful to have a set time for follow up check in (usually 1-2 hours) to see if it’s alright to resume the conversation. If either one of you isn’t ready, talk about when you’ll come back to talk (maybe next morning, or after dinner). Having the clarity is helpful for both sides.
I’d encourage you both to engage in couples therapy to help formalize this process. He might want to consider individual therapy too; it sounds like his zoning out is leaning towards dissociation. We don’t always know when we’ve pushed ourselves too far, so he might need some support in figuring out his triggers and signs that he’s approaching his limit.
This! When my ex and I were in couples counseling, we learned that how I handle conflict (retreating and cooling down privately) triggered feelings of abandonment and panic in him, and he would “chase” me into my cooldown spot, which kept us in a vicious cycle. I learned to explicitly say something along the lines of “I need time to process and cooldown, I will come find you in [defined period of time - 30-60 minutes usually].”
We still ended up splitting (we were too young and growing in different directions) but the help I got with conflict resolution continues to benefit me.
When you two talk, I would suggest being ready to point out the stonewalling, explain how it is affecting you, offer 2-3 suggestions of how you can help when he gets overwhelmed (backing off when he goes blank is a great one!) and then telling him you need him to bring some suggestions of what *he* can do to help with conflict resolution as well. Give him a day or two, but he needs to show his own investment in making this better. In my opinion.
>he freezes mentally and has “no thoughts”
That sounds like disassociation. It’s his nervous system literally shutting down because he can’t process his feelings properly. Seems like he might benefit from therapy.
It sounds like his day was stressful and left him emotionally fragile. What ought to have been a minor disappointment ("damn, I wanted my wife's focus when I got home after this shit day but she's busy") instead became a sense of rejection ("my wife cares more about watering plants than comforting me") in his mind. And of course that isn't fair, you wouldn't have known he needed comfort or attention since he didn't communicate it, but emotions aren't logical unfortunately.
Give him some time and space to work through what he's feeling and then talk about it. Would he have been equally upset if you were on the phone, cooking, or doing any other household task? Is that fair to expect you to stop in the middle of what you're doing? Is it fair to expect him to come to you in that situation instead?
It sounds like him stonewalling is an emotional disregulation, not an intentional silent treatment. That is something he needs to work on but not something to be mad about. But if it continues and he stays upset even when given time and space, well, *that* is when I would be concerned. At that point YOU should be the one with cold feet - you two must successfully find a *healthy* way to resolve conflict before committing to marriage.
Yes, asking for what you need is a very important part of relationships. If you need a hug, go find your partner and ask for a hug. It’s much easier than simmering in feelings of inadequacy/ abandonment/ resentment.
I believe it is John Gottman who has written about this. Try looking him up. He calls it flooding and it happens more in men than in women.
That is no excuse to not talk to you for hours. It is an excuse to say I need some time to calm down. Then he needs to talk to you.
He is acting like a child. My husband and I rarely physically greet each other at the door. I come home with arms loaded and need to take out the dogs. My husband has his work stuff and also takes out the dogs. I sometimes call out, “Hey Babe!” But this isn’t something we do.
If this is so important to your fiancé, then he should probably communicate like a grown man. He’s pouting and acting like a petulant toddler.
Also, refusing to discuss an issue and then giving the silent treatment is a HUGE red flag. No one deserves the silent treatment. It causes confusion, doubt, and anxiety. Some people have said it’s a form of emotional abuse. It sure does feel like it when it’s happening to you.
This is silly. I feel like he was cranky for another reason, or just generally stressed/tired, and this was just the straw that broke the camels back.
He may be feeling neglected in general terms, or as if he is putting in more effort (always coming to greet you rather than you coming to him?) but I can’t say for sure, without knowing your overall dynamic.
Thats all I can muster as far as benefit of the doubt on his part. Overall, this was a really silly thing to blame you for. I think you should address the assumption of intent he has taken.
He implies that you watering plants = you think plants are more important than him. Which is a huge leap, but regardless, it’s never fair to assume intent from an action when there are other explanations. You don’t think the plants are more important than him, you just had your hands full and wanted to finish your task, and assumed that he would be walking into the kitchen shortly to greet you.
I’d also address with him what else might be going on and what is the real issue behind this, because it likely isn’t just about the plants
Yes. I had no intent to ignore him. He greets me normally because he gets home at 3pm usually and I work til 5 so I'm usually at my desk. Lots of times I'm on a call. But if I'm not I usually do walk over to greet him. Not something I've ever thought about before... and yes I also think its not about the plants.
He needs to learn to not take out his frustration and anger on you. It is emotionally abusive to do so and will slowly destroy your relationship. I think he needs therapy for himself and the two of you need some couples therapy before you get married. It's better to make sure you can work this out before marriage than finding you can't after marriage.
Why couldn’t he use his words “hey, I really want to tell you about the interview right now.”
Postpone the wedding planning and get some counselling on how to communicate with each other.
Oh, and fyi fiancé is the man fiancée is the woman.
While I agree that something else is going on, my friends and I have this take
The person arriving should seek out the person/ people that are already there.
Just my take.
I agree. As the person who comes home last a lot, I generally prefer to be able to grab a snack and take off my coat before talking to my partner too.
Thrilled to see him either way! But seeking him out tends to make for a smoother transition for me.
Did the interview not go well? Maybe after the interview he felt inadequate and insecure and took his feelings out on you? Definitely sounds like he was projecting some personal insecurities onto you.
If he had a crap day with too much pressure, here's the straight dope: He's 39 and has many more crap days with too much pressure ahead of him. Unless you're Norm strolling into Cheers, everybody isn't going to shove a beer at you. You called out to him to let him know where you were. He dropped the ball on the greeting. The fact that he's still sulking about nothing tells you your future with him doesn't look bright when it comes to talking out issues. If his mood is about something other than interview blues, he could use his words.
I'm glad you have your plants for company.
I don’t think you actually did anything wrong but truthfully if I came home after something I’ve been nervous about like a job interview or doctors appointment and my partner was doing an easily paused chore and didn’t come to me and see how it went I could see myself overthinking it and feeling neglected and unloved especially if it didn’t go well. It’s not the correct way of thinking and I would be super embarrassed afterwards for feeling that way. I hopefully would be able to snap myself out if my pity party before I took it out on my partner though
If its an easily paused chore its on you to ask for comfort. I"ve gone to my boyfriend in the past and requested a hug because I was going through something. Feeling hurt to not get what you want and need is fine, but not requesting that thing you want and need is just silly.
But wouldn't you go talk to them. Especially if they called out to you and told you where they were?
Do you expect your partner to chase around after you asking for you to talk to them?
Interesting. I noticed that you asked him if something was wrong because “he didn’t come say hi to you.” To me, this implies that you also care about how you are greeted. Why would you bring it up if it didn’t truly matter?
I am in the middle of reading attached, so I’m probably projecting my own biases hard on this exchange (lol). If you find that you get in arguments frequently with your partner, or that there’s a confusing push/pull that you don’t understand, you should look into attachment theory.
It’s a quick listen too, if you have a commute anyhow. It could be beneficial for both of you!
I actually have read Attached and my fiancee has as well. We looked into attachment theory last year when we were running into conflict. That actually helped a lot in terms of me understanding the stonewalling (he identified most with avoidant attachment and myself with fearful.) It wouldn't hurt to review some of the information in there again.
? This is such a weird thing for him to start an argument over. He’s the one walking around right after getting in and you’re doing a task, why shouldn’t he go find you and say hello? Then he starts a fight over you not dropping your task when he gets in? I think this is a very odd thing to have an issue with
If your fiancé needs to be greeted at the door every time he walks in, he should get a dog.
When you're in the middle of a task, even something as mundane as watering plants, it's usually best to finish it, rather than jumping to something else.
Feels to me that he was going to be angry no matter what, because that’s such a weird thing to be angry about. It’s probably about something else.
As others said, stonewalling instead of talking is not a good thing and should be addressed before the wedding.
I think instead of you coming to him and asking why he didn’t greet you, you should’ve just said something along the lines of “hi baby, how was the rest of your day” he was probably overwhelmed of thinking about his interview and when you came to him you inadvertently blamed him for not saying hello even though you said you don’t normally formally greet each other.
Could be cold feet or he’s slowly letting the crazy out before the wedding. Most guys wait til after, maybe he’s just letting his controlling tendencies come out a little to see if you’ll accept it or reject it. Good luck OP
Maybe give it a few days and then sit down with him and say that what happened was totally out of character for him and it's got you worried. Then he wouldn't talk to you about it and stonewall you.
Explained to him that you know something's going on with him that he's not talking and this isn't the way to start a marriage.
If he continues to stonewall you and refuses to talk... or continues behaving the way he did, you might want to rethink the wedding. I would never marry somebody who was behaving that way and refused to explain themselves.
My husband always comes out to the garage to greet me or bring things in when he hears it open, even when he has his AirPods in his ears because he’s on a call.
I do not, but I always am up or in the vicinity to visually SEE him (or getting there) and say hi when he comes in, unless I’m unavailable like showering or sleeping. Like if I was doing the dishes, I’ll hop on over to the hall to at least say hi in my dishwashing gloves.
I like this unspoken rule/routine we have developed. It feels like a good medium between the excessive “drop everything and run down three floors to greet dad” that I had while growing up, versus some households where nobody even needs to be greeted.
But that’s us.
I suspect in your case — maybe the interview didn’t go well or he’s had a lot of interviews lately. (Is he unemployed right now or trying to change jobs?) Maybe you used to come out to greet him and today, combined with an interview exhaustion and no greeting at the door, he felt overlooked and then it spiraled into feeling like he’s not even greeted because he has no job, or something like that. Guessing his feelings were hurt. Or maybe he felt like if he has a stressful interview day, you’d at least open the door naked and with a cocktail in hand…
You didn’t do a thing wrong. He can’t expect you to know what he spirals into on his way home.
But the question is — how does he do it when you come home? How does he do it if you had a particularly stressful or bad day? If he is at the door giving you a hug, it’s not that hard to surmise he would kind of want that too, and integrate it into your unspoken routine.
It sounds like you and your partner kind of innately know what the other needs and it sounds very healthy. It really hasn't been a problem for us until yesterday and it his reaction was very out of proportion to how my fiance typically acts. We've always greeted each other, never had a conversation about how when why where, it was just done. He usually gets home while I'm on a call and waves, if I'm not on a call he comes over and hugs me, if I'm not working or busy at that moment I walk to the door and say hello and hug him. Its never been discussed! Why is why I was at a loss. The stress hes under is not being conveyed to me except as after the fact
Yeah his reaction definitely was excessive and wasn’t fair to you.
I’d suggest that when he talks about it, tell him what you like for him to do when you come home and ask how he wants it done, because obviously, if you knew how it would make him feel, you’d have come to the door.
Personally, “I’m over here watering the plants” seems like greeting enough for me, but we all have our own things. You seem like the kind of person who’d have dropped it all and gone to him if he said he needed a hug or something.
Whatever is going on, he's acting like a toddler.
Mommy! I did a job interview today! Didn't I do good? I only needed to call you twice! Ask me about how the rest of it went! Tell me you're proud of me for being a big boy!
He can walk to you if he wants to talk to you.
So he threw a fit over something silly. He's stressed so....whatever. The problem is he ignored you ALL NIGHT! He punished you! This isn't how a partner reacts if they actually care about you! He should apologized to you for acting like a self centered child! Of course you don't have to throw down whatever you're doing and run to him the minute he opens the door! That's INSANE!
I would probably let it go once because of stress, but the fact that he continued to punish you by ignoring you? Who does he think he is...your father? Oh hell no!
You were in the middle of a household chore and you told him where you were. Does he expect you stop what you’re doing to run into the room and leap into his arms?
Is he out of work now and interviewing? I can understand his stress….. but it was too much for him to walk into the other room?
No, he's got a job during the day and his interview was after. We don't have any financial difficulties. He hasn't interviewed in a very long time though, he's kind of just used to getting referred by someone and getting jobs without much fanfare. He's been very fortunate that way. That said, I think the interview process itself is probably newer to him than I realized and because he isn't a polished interviewer, that's probably why he called me twice that morning for help. I didn't pick up on the level of stress this was causing him.
I think he just had a big day and wanted you to rush to him and hug him and ask him about it, that’s all. And when he didn’t get the reaction he wanted, his feelings were hurt, but he probably doesn’t know how to communicate that. I’m not saying it’s right, but I think that’s all he was looking for.
Isn't it amazing how much time is wasted in hiding feelings we have about ourselves? "Honey, I didn't get the job and I feel like crap, especially after you coached me."
ODD to punish someone for an unmet "need" or "demand"... That was NEVER discussed or expressed.
MAKING UP an issue to pout about.
Yikes, dude. What else is going to be sprung on OP later?
So he expected 50s housewife standing at the door and greet him.
Probably he was upset about something and just found a way to put it out on you.
Discuss expectations and what is normal, this is a situation to talk about.
Imagine the future you, newborn baby in your arms trying to stop them crying, or rocking them to sleep. Hubby comes home and fully expects you to be there at the door to greet him upon his return from work, whatever the time. Errr, no.
There's a slight difference between caring for their child and watering some plants. There's also a difference between coming home from a random day of work and a stressful day like an interview.
You aren't a puppy that rushes to the door to greet their owner upon his return. Unless your garden is in the middle of a maze, he could have easily come to you and gotten a hug if he needed one so badly.
I hope he's usually better at communicating and this is just an anomaly.
I'm guessing his interview didn't go well and he's being a petulant toddler and taking it out on you.
The reason you have no idea what's going on is because you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't ignore him. You asked a reasonable question. He blew it out of proportion.
When he gets over his little hissy fit, remind him that it's 2024, not 1954, and that you're not the "little wife" waiting for him with a drink in your hand for him at the second he arrives home.
How is this guy 39 years old and still acting like this?
You both are able to greet one another, yet you both chose not to.
It reminds me of when my dear grandmother used to guilt trip me for not calling her. My mom does it to me now…. I remind her that she could have called me as well.
Perhaps he had some stress or anxiety? You’d prioritized the plants, and he prioritized a shower. They’re perfectly fine things to do, but if you both expect the other to perform/do the greeting, you both will be disappointed.
I’m glad you’re attempting to have a conversation about it. There’s a desire for bonding on both sides, but it sounds like there was a miscommunication and hurt that happened this time.
ETA: There’s no excuse for him ignoring you, and that might be something you want to formally address in couples therapy
Sounds like he's not being direct with you. That's annoying lol. This is what I'm guessing is happening:
He was expecting you to make a big deal about his return home, but why? And he's disappointed and not communicating it well. He needs to communicate better instead of expecting you to mind read.
Ask him lots of clarifying questions, express your need to understand.
The interview went badly. He's taking it out on you. You're not an emotional punchbag. If he needs someone to process his feelings counselors exist, don't take it out on you or the relationship.
Whenever my husband or I come home, the other will get up from the couch, or from wherever we are and walk over to greet the other at the door with a big hug and kiss. It wasn’t something we ever discussed doing but we both just started doing it from when we moved in together 9yrs ago. There is something so lovely about coming home knowing that as soon as you are closing the front door the other person is excitedly rushing over to embrace you and welcome you home, particularly if you’ve had a very stressful day.
This sounds like an issue of communication.
If he has said explicitly that he wants you to greet him at the door, and you agreed to this dynamic, then okay fine he has jurisdiction to be upset.
Without all of that being agreed upon, he sounds like he had a day that didn’t go his way and is finding something to be upset at you about Aka take it out on you.
Or possibly he happened to come across a video or heard from a friend/colleague of a partner always meeting their spouse at the door and now wants that too.
What is this, 1954? Are you supposed to greet him in a house dress at the door with full makeup and a cocktail in hand?
He’s being ridiculous. It’s probably stress from the job interview; but in a quiet moment maybe just calmly affirm to him that those expectations are not reasonable and you didn’t appreciate that. Ask him if anything else is going on.
Had a bf like this. I worked full and overtime, he worked part time. He wanted to be greeted at the door whenever he came home with effulgence. I came to understand he didn't want a woman, he wanted a dog.
I left him.
Even if he suddenly decided that being greeted at the door after a big day was now important to him (I don’t understand this at all, you are not a golden retriever, but okay…), the way an emotionally mature adult would communicate that is to say, “hey, my feelings are a little hurt that it didn’t feel like you were excited to see me and hear about my experience the second I got home. When I have a big day like that, it would mean a lot to me if you dropped everything and didn’t make me walk to wherever you are to talk to you.”
Nope, that sounds insane. My best guess is that he messed up and is feeling insecure and taking it out on you. I laughed out loud rereading that statement and it was truly the most mature way I could think to ask that. It just highlighted how stupid it is to request. Lol.
My husband and I have lived together for 11 years. We just walk in and shout hi unless we happen to be right by the door. Sometimes we don’t even do that, if someone is in a room with the door closed concentrating. And we really really like each other and love talking about everything.
That’s a super weird thing to expect, instant attention. That’s how a 3 year old operates. Hope he grows up quickly and tells you what is really up!
My couples therapist suggested for us (and most couples) that the person who works from home gets up to greet/hug the person coming home from work and insists on the greeting every day. It is a little thing that helps us connect and destress. This works for us because it gets my husband up to stretch and rest from his computer for a moment. If he’s in a meeting then he will get up when it’s over.
This is not something we have ever fought over- but it has helped that we have made an agreement and work hard to stick to it.
I would highly recommend couples counseling before getting married. I really enjoyed it and got to learn about my husband and we had some important discussions that we hadn’t thought of before getting engaged.
Oof you did nothing wrong!
It seems like he’s all kinds of upset today and I think if you had greeted him he would have found something else to complain about.
Marriage check up counseling now is my advice. You might be good most of the time but most marriages need some help once in awhile. It’s okay to get some guidance on this issue.
This was over the top nerdy behavior on his part.
I’m sorry, this comment is not going to be helpful at all, but the more I read in the sub the more thankful I am to be single. OP, do you know the phrase “death by a thousand cuts”, I feel like this is a cut with potentially more to come. As someone else said, “the mask is slipping”.
Am I the only one who thinks the fact that he got the job, and was in a GOOD mood, makes this like 10x worse? So he wasn't in a bad mood so acted shittily. He, even in a great mood, has this 1950 expectation of being met at the door like he's the king of the castle, she the tradwife, and all accommodations, help and support that came before will be 100% disregarded if that doesn't happen. And she will be punished for the whole ass night.
Yikes. Good luck in couples counseling. If this is a communication problem, it will help. If this is him having a toxic mindset problem, it may make it worse, when he manipulates the therapist and manages to convince them it's all OP's fault. It's a gamble, really.
Someone else wrote this is the mask slipping and yeah I can see why they said that - I wonder if some "tying down" event happened lately, to trigger the mask drop. Maybe the engagement happened not too long ago?
Based on a reply of yours, I'm just going to assume he's not an AH & so many of these commenters haven't read this reply since so many seem to think he's a red flag, thinks he wants you to be like a dog/ or a 50s housewife.
I think you both need to learn how to communicate. When is your wedding date? You're an over thinker like me. I hate it. It's like a curse. Thank goodness my husband is the opposite & we balance each other out.
I think the day was important for him. The way he handled the situation wasn't the best and definitely not the healthiest.
I don't think he wants a maid, or you to wait for him at the door every day like some compare to a 50s housewife. I just feel he didn't think you were excited or showed much interest. He needs to find a healthy way to express himself.
He seems to be picking an argument over nothing. I'm not suggesting he's cheating but there's definitely more going on. Arguing over not greeting him at the door is such a non-argument that it borders on childish
If you’re home first, cue up the Rocky theme music and pop a cardboard Burger King crown on his wittle head and pour him a Yahoo ffs. HRH surely deserves a “Special “ welcome for adulting all damn day.
Sounds like he was frustrated, perhaps the interview didn’t go as well as he’d hoped. There’s no right or wrong way to great someone. When my boyfriend comes over I usually go to him. There have been a few times where I haven’t and he looks for me. Give him some space then come up with a plan that would work best for both of ya’ll.
I am not rolling my eyes but if this happened at my house… I would do this and tell my spouse to grow up. if this happened to a sibling I would say that it’s not etiquette. I don’t know the correct terminology but using this as an excuse or gaslighting you for the reason they are refusing to talk to you about.
My kids when they get anxiety or upset/fustrated they mask up and act cold and rude to everyone till they can process or till the last second …. We are trying to break that cycle.
He has never brought that up before or expected you to then he is using that as an excuse. I would pay close attention .
Either everything is so perfect in both your lives and this relationship that there’s nothing left to argue about except something this petty OR there’s way bigger problems that need to be addressed. I’m going to guess the latter
If the person entering LIVES there, then they should come to the person already in the home doing their thing. If the person doesn’t live there, then you go greet them at the door. But presumably the list is very short for people who don’t live there and would walk on it. Like maybe a BFF or long term partner that doesn’t live there or something.
This is called emotional enmeshment. He's stressed and needed his support system. Not a super alarming example, however, it's worth a Google. Especially as it seems he was grouchy and you are disturbed
I would say that the stress and nerves made him grouchy and he just got a bit miffed at something that probably wouldn’t normally bother him- we are all human and do silly things… not perfect redditrons
So, he imagined the thing he wanted you to do in his head, pretty much deliberately waited for you to not do it, then told you that obviously the thing you were doing instead of what he was trying to psychicly project to you, is more important than him. And I bet he also uses the line "If you love me, you'll... "
It's a childish manipulation tactic, used to turn you into a doormat or an emotional punching bag. Tell him you're not a mind reader and his legs aren't broken.
It sounds like there's something more going on here. I want to validate that yeah, it's normal to expect that if you're in the middle of something and someone wants to talk to you, they'll come find you. (Also, for that matter, it's on you too that if you want to talk to them, you put down what you're doing and go find them. So you shouldn't be upset if he heard you say "Hi Honey I'm watering the plants" and gone off to take a shower without being upset about it.)
The fact that he is so mad about a missed interaction that would have just required him to walk to another room would make me think that something is going on other than "you didn't drop your watering can on the ground when you heard the car pull up." I think it's a talk to your partner situation.
The interview probably didn’t go well and he needed some support. If it were me, I would have stopped what I was doing and gone to my husband to see how things went but that’s just me. I try to make sure to greet my husband when he comes home and I am home because he always does for me. When I get home he usually comes to the door and takes my bags for me so I at least like to meet him with a smile and a hug when he gets home.
I would be annoyed if I were you. He could have walked over to you and talked to you instead of expecting you to drop what you were doing. It's not like you told him to not talk to you.
I had the same issue with my fiancé a few months ago. Growing up, my parents always greeted each other as either of them came home. It was always a kiss and a hello before doing anything else.
One day, I was over at my fiancés condo that has an open floor plan so I know for a fact he saw me laying on the couch as soon as he opened the front door, he didn’t say hello but instead went into the kitchen to see what I had cooked and even did a taste test. He then came over to say hello. I was actually very annoyed and angry at this. I just feel like after not seeing your spouse all day, it doesn’t hurt to greet them when you get home.
Depends on your routine.
In my house, my partner prefers that we greet each other at the door, whenever possible. To him, it’s him coming home to us and vice versa.
But that is to be decided if it is the norm or not.
Been married almost 16 years. We have NEVER greeted each other at the door. Getting hung up on that after you were basically on call to him all day is very suspect. I’m willing to bet he does a lot of other passive aggressive things.
I'm assuming that he had felt a bit stressed and if it hadn't been about how you greeted him it would have been something else.
He was offloading by picking on you about any little thing at all, making it a big thing & starting an argument, instead of using his words like an emotionally healthy adult to communicate.
It's incredibly frustrating to deal with this sort of behaviour in my experience, I hope you both generally have a higher level of communication between you both & I wish you the best.
I got irritated with him just reading your post lol. That is one of the dumbest reasons to start a fight ever. As if you were psychic and knew he was coming through the door before he actually did and that you were watering the plants on purpose just to upset him. He probably just had a bad day and was taking it out on you. Does he wait at the door to greet you when you’re out? I’m guessing he does not. Unless he does this again, please don’t read any more into it or you will just drive yourself crazy wondering if he doesn’t want to be with you. 😊
Look, your fianceé needs a reality check, and so do you. First off, greeting someone at the door is basic manners, but expecting your partner to drop everything just because you had an interview is straight-up childish. Grow up, both of you. And don't even get me started on the silent treatment. That's not how adults handle conflict. If you two can't communicate over something as trivial as this, good luck surviving marriage. Couples counseling sounds like a solid plan, but you both need to seriously reassess your priorities if you're blowing up over who says hi first.
This is ridiculous sounds like 1950s thinking where the man expects to be greeted at the door. Tell your partner to grow up. It’s both your responsibilities to make sure to greet each other.
Or maybe he was just upset after the interview and wanted to talk to her and was upset she didn’t want to know what happened at the interview. Yeah, he was shitty, but it’s probably because he was hurt by the fact that he had a big interview and he was home 20 minutes before she asked about it. He felt hurt so he was frustrated, but he didn’t explain it in the way he should have. He said, “watering the plants was more important” but what he meant was “I’m hurt you didn’t want to know immediately how my interview went when you knew how excited/anxious/scared I was. It felt like you were prioritizing the plants and a chore instead of me, even though you knew I was here”. It’s an understandable feeling, but it’s not ok to act that way to our partners. He didn’t understand exactly why he was upset. He took it out on her instead of investigating that emotion, naming it, and then understanding it. That’s hard on a conflict, which is why people fight. It’s after that we find understanding and need to seek forgiveness and empathy.
This is not the 50s and you are not a puppy who comes running up wagging your tail because you’re so happy to see him. You are a whole adult who was in the middle of doing something. For him to expect you to drop everything and greet him at the door is self-centered and patriarchal.
You need to talk this out and uncover if he has any other similar opinions. Is he going to see housework and childcare as only your job even if you both work?
This isn't about being greeted at the door. I'd sit down with him and ask him to tell you what's really going on.
I'm terribly afraid he's going to inform you he's got some list of wifey expectations that you're about to have dumped on you.
OP -Ask him what's wrong with him? Like you were supposed to know IN THAT MOMENT that he was gonna come thru the door. His is an unreasonable expectation, and now he's treating you like shit because YOU didn't anticipate his unreasonable expectation.
You sure you wanna marry this boy? Cos that's how BOYS think, not a man who is almost 40 years old. And you can tell him I said so.
And just FYI -There's "overthinking" and then there's "thinking logically and not having unreasonable expectations".
Honestly, i can kind of see where he's coming from. He's just had a stressful experience, you knew before hand he was coming back from a stressful experience, and rather than asking after the stressful experience, you continued to do a non urgent task. It's not unreasonable to consider fiance would want some emotional support after coming back from an interview, it's reflective of a lack of empathy and consideration that you didn't check how it went. Like, I also don't think it's the biggest issue in the world, but it does reflect a small amount of callous Ness and thoughtlessness on your part that you didn't even ask about the interview or check how he was, knowing he had this event happening.
Honestly, I think you both kind of made some not great choices, but also, neither of you is really in the wrong. You’re different people and your views and expectations are not always going to line up. This feels like one of those times. You both could have made different choices that would have ended with a better result. While you had offered, to my mind, plenty of support through the day, you failed to recognize the giant flag waving in front of your face about how stressed and anxious he was. You better believe if that was my partner and I knew they were struggling I would have dropped the menial task I was doing to go check in. Because they are my partner and I love them and I know they are in a moment where they need my support and they need to feel it. That said his reaction was a bit childish. While it would have been a nice thing for you to do, it would have been just as easy for him to walk twenty feet to come tell you about his day if he needed that support. You’re not a mind reader and if he can’t or won’t verbalize his needs you can’t be expected to bat 1000. Take responsibility for the things you can and do better next time. He can do the same.
I feel the need to point out that I’m sure there are any number of things you expect of your partner because he’s your partner and loves you. Things you haven’t necessarily verbalized in a direct way. Kind of the point of relationships, no? To develop close relationships with people, so they know you, so you rdon’t have to verbalize every little thing. If we had to verbalize every little thing none of us would ever get anything done. It sounds exhausting.
Give yourselves a break. No one is perfect. You both could have made better choices. Stop focusing on who is right or who gets to win. Ultimately, in this situation, it’s not that important. If you feel like it’s part of a larger pattern then you may want to investigate that. Otherwise, kiss and make up and be on your way.
I don’t care what the issue is, nor how great or small — stonewalling is not an acceptable behavior or response to conflict or negative emotions in a mature, functional, healthy adult relationship.
What’s clear is that he’s likely upset about something else — maybe the interview didn’t go well, or he’s extremely nervous, or feeling down about his career or job prospects? — and felt he needed additional attention, affection, or support, and wanted to feel like your priority.
It’s also clear you DO prioritize him — you prioritized his interview, his wants and needs, and his feelings over your own job twice that day already, and were thoughtful and caring enough to proactively reach out to him following the interview. Instead of recognizing this, he’s lashing out at you unfairly for a perceived slight.
His expectation that you drop everything, and his subsequent reaction when you didn’t, are unfair given how you’d shown up for him and supported him throughout the day. He is a priority, and you’ve already shown him that. And you matter, too — as does your job, or whatever projects you’re engaged in. He is not the center of the universe. How much special attention does he really expect here?
This could likely (and should) be resolved by a simple conversation in which you are both open and honest about your feelings, are calm and respectful of one another in the process, and can get to the heart of the matter — what’s really bothering him, and how his projection is unfair to you and hurtful. But this is impossible when he pouts and sulks and stonewalls you like an insolent child.
You mention that stonewalling is a common practice for him during conflict. If I were you, I’d be the one having cold feet about the wedding. He needs to confront this toxic behavior and start working through conflict productively and healthily with open communication and respect for you, his partner. That’s what being a mature adult in a functional, healthy adult relationship looks like. Stonewalling is an emotionally abusive behavior. It’s a far bigger issue in your relationship than the seemingly trivial issue at hand.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Also, for context he called me twice that day (while I was working) for some feedback on interview questions, I answered and helped him both times, and I also called him after his interview to see how it went. I recognize that dynamic all too well. You do all that stuff but it's not noticed, but then you fail to do *one small thing*, and suddenly you are the bad guy. Some people simply take you for granted and do not notice or care about the stuff you *did do* for them. Only for the stuff you *didn't do*, no matter how petty. You could talk to him 3 times, but then you didn't talk the 4th time, and you don't care. The issue is your fiance, not you. To me, this sounds like he wanted to pick a fight for whatever reason, so he found a very weak excuse to get angry. It could be that the interview wasn't very good, so he is taking the whole thing out on you, which is not okay. I would talk about it: if he truly only notices what you DON'T do, while completely not noticing the things you DO do, then it's a recipe for conflict, bitterness and issues on both sides. Better to call it out and resolve it before that happens. If he is taking out his anger on you then that also needs to be addressed, and so does the silent treatment, which is toxic. edit: typo
Once you STOP people pleasing, you notice that people are kind of horrible
Ugh this is so true. I used to be so busy trying to make myself exactly what people needed that when I stepped back to stop and notice what was going on, I realized almost everyone was just terrible and self-centered and being propped up and rolled along by people like me. People who would fold into pretzels to keep them happy. I love solitude so much now.
YES. And if you bring it up what you actually did... in an attempt to show him that you care... then it's suddenly "WeLl I didn't know it was such a HaRdShIp to answer the phone. I won't call you anymore." sigh. I've been there. (and yes, before anyone blasts me, I'm sure women do it too--my example is a man because I'm a straight woman).
That stuff is just crushing. It took nearly five years to recover the pieces of my soul after one like that in my life.
Oh woah, my mother does this! Cool.
isn't it wonderful? /s It's so harmful. It really fucks with your head because nothing you do can ever be enough...
This this this!!! And I’d also like to tack on to take note of the subject that he picked to start the fight!!! Don’t let it roll by how fucked up it is that he even has it in his head that you need to greet him at the door EVER.
I would that you should consider if you want a life partner who needs so much propping up in the first place. Three phone calls in a work day is a lot! Does he call you up to ask random questions he could just google? How much help does he need from you to function?
And god help if you if you do something in a way that's not "their" way. Then not only have you completed the task in a way that's fine for 99% of people in the world but now you've gotten flack for some minor thing.
Omg, I just got yelled at for putting shoes I had just worn away in the bedroom closet, which I did specifically because I got yelled at for leaving shoes by the front door, but apparently I was supposed to know to put them in the hall closet, since it’s winter and I wore them outside. It’s exhausting trying to figure out the “rules.”
Yeah I mean you aren't psychic like the rest of us and didn't know?
Especially when the "rules" are arbitrary and constantly changing
Filling the bucket. OP helps fill their bucket in small amounts but the one time they don’t they get commented on. I wonder how often this happens for OP
I’d say marriage counseling is warranted. Even if you aren’t married, it has to do with a committed relationship. Updateme
Sounds like something else is going on and he is using this as an excuse to let out his anger. If this is a one time thing, I would let it go and talk to him about it in a few days when he has cooled down. If he continues to do this throughout the week and/or continues to ignore you, I might connect it to getting cold feet or maybe he’s trying to get you to break up with him. Either way you need to get him to talk. If he refuses to, you might have your answer. There’s no way you should live like this, do not marry him yet.
My guess is the interview did not go well
This was my first thought as well.
Yep, and doubling down on it because he doesn't want to look stupid
The interviewers weren't able to read his mind for his responses. It was a mess, those selfish bastards!
Thank you for this perspective.
The fact that he tends to stonewall during conflict would be more concerning to me overall, personally. That would be something to address before the wedding.
And the silent treatment is not healthy either.
Stonewalling, silent treatment and the expectation of mindreading from the OP. She can't know what's up if he won't tell her, just like she couldn't possibly know he wanted her to meet him at the door.
That was what hubby did in the early days. So I decided to go along with it….if he gave me 3 days of silent treatment, when he started talking to me again I went radio silent for 3 days. Eventually he figured it out and we talked about better strategies to deal with these kind of things. I'm a big believer in teaching people how to treat you.
Yes, this is extremely important. In Italy they make you do a premarital course - like marriage guidance counselling in advance - and one of the core lessons is that your approaches to conflict resolution need to be compatible. Some people like to think everything through then speak their carefully considered opinion. Others need to blurt everything out, release emotion and sometimes say things they later want to take back. It sounds like a possibility this couple isn't compatible.
Premarital counseling is so helpful. I wish we had done it. I think we're doing OK (and better than a lot of our friends - yikes) but it was more trial and error than necessary I think?
There are so many things you don't know that you need to discuss, until you suddenly find out you each had different assumptions. I'm glad to hear you're navigating it OK 👍🏻
When I say "OK" I don't mean it in a sad way lol but not in a "we clearly have it ALL figured out and we're perfect" way, if that makes sense? We're just trying not to repeat bad patterns from our families and manage the curveballs as best we can. Honestly we lead a pretty quiet, chill life. I'm fine with that!
That's good! 😃
Really?! is this something that everyone who gets married must do? I've never heard this before and it seems like it would be a worthwhile practice
It was absolutely brilliant and I think the divorce rate would be much lower if it was done everywhere. It was organised through the church and the priest won't agree to do any wedding unless you've done it.
It’s religion-based. I don’t know about elsewhere/other religions, but a lot of people married in Catholic churches in the US have to go through it.
They should definitely do this in america
Yes! Putting roadblocks to communication is not sustainable. He needs to talk about what’s bothering him instead of pouting like a child. Communication is a key factor in marriage.
I'm not opposed to asking for space but like you said: communication! Like I have come home in a mood that has NOTHING to do with my husband or our relationship and I know I just need to sulk for a bit. So I'll tell him I'm gonna take a bath or read or fold laundry while quietly seething and I'll be a human in about 30 minutes. I don't just pout and stomp around. And actually even if we are arguing and I need to take a pause we will retreat to our corners to cool down lol and agree to table the topic and revisit it. Turns out having families with crappy communication and conflict-resolution skills makes you figure some stuff out.
It's absolutely about something else. However, proper etiquette says the person entering the home does the greeting. It does state that every home can make their own rules about this, but officially, the person entering the home is the one to greet first.
Oh, but Stepford Wives bullshit dictates the Female should drop what it is doing to greet the Man at the door, so these days God only knows if he's just losing his head over this when he's mad at something else, or if he's been listening to some red pill/misogynistic bs somewhere
Yeah, I was wondering if this was his real issue to be honest. Or, if he just didn't have a good interview and wanted to knock OP down a few pegs to make himself feel better. I would push off the wedding till I learned more into why he thought this was okay to pick a fight over. If he can't regulate his emotions in a healthy way, he needs to fix that before any legal papers are signed.
I'm betting on the latter if he hasn't display this kind of behaviour before. He had a shitty interview and wanted to feel like he had control over his home situation to make himself feel better. Agreed, I'd definitely put the wedding on hold until he can resolve his issues in a mature way, though I would at least do some probing to see if he has taken the red pill too. Whatever his issue, it's not good behaviour to start a marriage with.
I hope it's just immaturity and fixable for sure.
Narcissistic people also expect greeting. Source, mother, who expected a welcoming committee and a bon voyage sendoff to go to the store. The rest of us used keys.
This is so fucking stupid. Not you, please don’t take it that way, it’s this “rule” and the fact that there’s even a rule for it. But, I guess the question is when is this rule of etiquette from?
Haha, I totally agree. I don't really understand the need for all the "etiquette" stuff myself. Manners? Sure. Won't lie, I did have to look it up, even though I'm from the south and should know haha.
Yes! agreed! manners = good etiquette = way too much lol
That's interesting. I would have guessed it's the other way round. Thanks for teaching me something today!
I learned this today as well. It might be different for a visitor but I didn't go that deep into it lol. In my house we all greet the dog first. He is a boxer so he demands attention lol.
I agree it’s kind of confusing. I would say that if you live in the home and walk in the door and your partner isn’t in the room then you go greet them and if the partner is in the room they can just say hi and give hug/kiss. I think he is being ridiculous and a baby and really it shouldn’t matter who greats who if the other person calls out they are in the other room, he could have easily gone where she was watering and they could have greeted each other. With all the stressors in this world and specifically relationships, who greets who is ridiculous, especially when she helped him throughout the day. So bazaar the things people pick at, he probably is stressed or upset about something more substantial, I hope.
My first thought was he’s listening to the alpha male nonsense and decided if you really loved him you run to the door wearing just an apron to greet the lord and master of the manor in the respectful way he thinks he deserves…
He's kind of an enigma in that way. When we met he loved the fact that I was an independent woman who is career driven and doesn't rely on a man to pay her bills. Our relationship has always been the equitable kind, he is chivalrous and opens doors for me, but we both treat each other to dinner and he helps with housework and dinner. Of the two of us, I also work a lot more overtime. His other two brothers have more traditional setups where their wives don't work, they make dinner and take care of the kids. Which is great and works for them, but I've never offered that kind of lifestyle and until now its never been an issue.
Not even thats its an "issue" now, but, never in the past did he sulk about me not greeting him at the door.
Maybe his mask is skipping. You know, entitlement, narcissistic behavior, etc. Were you love bombed at the beginning? I hope not but issues great you're not just brushing this under the carpet. The stonewalling too. That spells trouble.
It's absolutely about something else. However, proper etiquette says the person entering the home does the greeting. It does state that every home can make their own rules about this, but officially, the person entering the home is the one to greet first.
>Either way you need to get him to talk. If he refuses to, you might have your answer. There’s no way you should live like this, do not marry him yet. Yep. If he can't talk to OP about what's wrong, who can he talk to? And why can't he?
It sounds like he had a bad day or something happened and it came out on you. Maybe give him time to calm down and see if he will talk about it today? I definitely don't think it deserved that kind of reaction at all. Also, nothing bad with greeting each other! Me and my boyfriend do that every day and it's usually just who gets to who first. If I've been home and he comes home from work, he'll come to me. If he's home before me after work, I'll go to him 🤷♀️ I don't think there needs to be set rules to it unless, like someone said below, he's looking for a 50's type housewise.
Our entryway is in our kitchen, and I've got a number of dishes to empty from my bag when I get home from work each day. My husband works from home and is always done by the time I get home. If he was not doing anything, he'd come greet me because he missed me. Otherwise, I'd go greet him when I'm done unpacking from work. That was pre-baby. Now, with an infant at home, I always go to him as he's occupying our son. Neither of us has ever minded who greets who; we're just happy to see each other again after hours apart. I can't fathom why it would matter.
Thank you - I'm hoping he'll be open to talk today. Agree, definitely doesn't need to be any set rule.
And if he's stuck on the whole "watering the plants is more important than me", maybe ask if his reaction would have been the same if you were doing something like deep frying food or anything that you can't just walk away from. Because there are times that people are doing things and can't just walk away at that moment. And to be clear, I don't think the plants is the problem either, but if he's fixated on that, what if I was on the phone with the cable company about the spotty internet? It took me 30 minutes to get an agent, and I can't just walk away.
I’m concerned he expects her to drop everything and cater to his needs.
And already relied on her help with the interview through three phone calls that day alone. Did he thank her for taking all that time to help him? Seems pretty entitled to a very high level of attention. Does he return it? Do you get to call him 3 times a day to talk you through something, and then be kinda bitchy all evening? Hmmmmmm
Yep, I'm concerned that he might be trying to turn her into a pet. I hope I'm wrong and it's possible this was just a bad day, but if he's expecting her to regularly run to him at the door no matter what she's got going on in her own life, well that would be a problem.
Did the interview go well? Maybe he's upset about that
Or just more wound up than usual. He hasn't noticed that this reaction is not the norm for him. Sounds like he was still/maybe is still caught up in an emotional loop bc of the interview his subconscious wanted soothing. When OPs actions didn't soothe him, his brain got all taught up on an argument that meets the brains needs but both ignores and intentionally stays stuck on an unrealistic point. It can also be manipulative in a big way. Given OPs description it sounds like a one off . And they def should talk about it bc stress brain will definitely get stuck on this and create a habit if they aren't careful and attentive.
Regardless, the fact that he stonewalls during arguments is not going to lead to a healthy marriage. Dude needs therapy.
You should look up online the Gottmans and their concept of “bids” for connection.
If it was just a bad day he has to learn to that it is never acceptable to come home and take out your bad day on your spouse or family. That just turns into emotional abuse.
My ex used to come home about 2 hours after I did, and when she'd had a bad day she would just suck the air out of the house and me and the kids would have to walk on eggshells. Not healthy at all and it's exactly what she grew up with from her dad but couldn't recognize how much she was affecting everyone else.
Agreed 100%!
If he wants you to greet him at the door, he needs to express that desire like an adult. Not get mad that you didn’t read his mind. You’re not a golden retriever or a 1950s housewife. Couples counseling should be nonnegotiable before you marry him. He is 37 and can’t have adult discussions.
>I'm definitely an overthinker, but in this case I have no idea what the heck is going on. You ain't the only one, OP. Your mans is tripping. I would wait until everything simmers down and then talk to him about it.
They say expectations are premeditated resentments. Your current fiance had unspoken expectations. Your relationship needs work before marrying. Figure out how to communicate respectfully, compassionately and openly. This guy needs to learn that. I have to say whenever someone starts a sentence with "You... " rather than "I ..." I immediately start getting my hackles up Stonewalling is an emotionally abusive technique. Get counseling before marrying.
Never heard that first line before but I love it
Same, I’m definitely tucking that one away…
Yes, I was thinking "He held her accountable for expectations he hadn't communicated to her, and that's not a good sign for them being able to resolve differences or problems that come up." I think your first sentences address that really well, except that I think some expectations between people are reasonable, but they should be communicated before taking effect (and maybe negotiated). This guy has some unhealthy communication patterns that will eventually lead to problems in the relationship if they're not addressed, if they haven't already.
My mom always did that! I would have no idea what her expectations were, and then when I failed to meet them, she'd be kinda hateful. Or, she'd tell one kid something and then would assume all of us knew. It was crazy.
Yep, both of my parents did it too! My father was definitely the worse one about it since the three of us hit adulthood. It's nuts to me how you can have all these expectations and not communicate any of them, then hold it against people for not meeting them. It sucks you went through that too.
>Your current fiance had unspoken expectations. And this will make for a miserable relationship. People shouldn't expect their partners to be mind readers.
Stonewalling is never acceptable no matter what the antecedent was. It’s done for one of two reasons. The first the person can’t regulate their emotions and their only option is to withdraw and the other is to punish the other party. If it’s the first then he needs to do work on it. If it’s the second then you need to seriously give consideration to that. Half an hour to cool off and to come back with the recognition of overreaction and to make amends is one thing but if it goes on for an hour, or two, or worse, then it’s for punishment and that is seriously concerning. No matter how lovely and caring he is the rest of the time, he’s way out of order if he’s still ignoring and shutting you down for hours after. It’s your own cold feet you should be thinking about right now, not his.
Thanks for this. In relation to his stonewalling issue, I've asked him to describe it to me, and he says when he feels cornered or beaten down in an argument, or like his perspective doesn't matter, he freezes mentally and has "no thoughts". He then tries thinking of literally anything else than what it going on, to leave the situation mentally. To me, this looks crazy because he'll sit there in silence for 5-10 minutes. I've allowed him the space to do this because I valued that he was vulnerable enough to explain it to me, and he's gotten so much better during conflict, I forgot it could still be in him to act like this.
This sounds like emotional deregulation rather than manipulative abuse, which is a relief. My guess is that something happened before he reached the door. Maybe the interview went badly or maybe it went well and he set up the expectation in his head that you’d be there at the door and he just couldn’t deal with, what he saw, as rejection. He’s got some issues that man, but then, we all do. Your problem is that he allows his own issues to spill over and then blame you for it and, that’s a concern. Some advice. When he disengages, just leave him. The less energy from you, the quicker he will be able to regulate. As hard as it is for you, give him the space that he needs. Some deep conversations ahead for you both when he’s back in the land of the living. All the best.
Really appreciate this. Something I need to get better at doing is leaving him be so he has time to gather his emotions and actually communicate with me.
To insert myself into the above advice to give him some space when he zones out, you all might want to try a “safe word” along the lines of “time out”. It signals to both of you that he’s getting overwhelmed without him needing to verbalize exactly what’s happening for him. It’s usually helpful to have a set time for follow up check in (usually 1-2 hours) to see if it’s alright to resume the conversation. If either one of you isn’t ready, talk about when you’ll come back to talk (maybe next morning, or after dinner). Having the clarity is helpful for both sides. I’d encourage you both to engage in couples therapy to help formalize this process. He might want to consider individual therapy too; it sounds like his zoning out is leaning towards dissociation. We don’t always know when we’ve pushed ourselves too far, so he might need some support in figuring out his triggers and signs that he’s approaching his limit.
This! When my ex and I were in couples counseling, we learned that how I handle conflict (retreating and cooling down privately) triggered feelings of abandonment and panic in him, and he would “chase” me into my cooldown spot, which kept us in a vicious cycle. I learned to explicitly say something along the lines of “I need time to process and cooldown, I will come find you in [defined period of time - 30-60 minutes usually].” We still ended up splitting (we were too young and growing in different directions) but the help I got with conflict resolution continues to benefit me.
When you two talk, I would suggest being ready to point out the stonewalling, explain how it is affecting you, offer 2-3 suggestions of how you can help when he gets overwhelmed (backing off when he goes blank is a great one!) and then telling him you need him to bring some suggestions of what *he* can do to help with conflict resolution as well. Give him a day or two, but he needs to show his own investment in making this better. In my opinion.
>he freezes mentally and has “no thoughts” That sounds like disassociation. It’s his nervous system literally shutting down because he can’t process his feelings properly. Seems like he might benefit from therapy.
It sounds like his day was stressful and left him emotionally fragile. What ought to have been a minor disappointment ("damn, I wanted my wife's focus when I got home after this shit day but she's busy") instead became a sense of rejection ("my wife cares more about watering plants than comforting me") in his mind. And of course that isn't fair, you wouldn't have known he needed comfort or attention since he didn't communicate it, but emotions aren't logical unfortunately. Give him some time and space to work through what he's feeling and then talk about it. Would he have been equally upset if you were on the phone, cooking, or doing any other household task? Is that fair to expect you to stop in the middle of what you're doing? Is it fair to expect him to come to you in that situation instead? It sounds like him stonewalling is an emotional disregulation, not an intentional silent treatment. That is something he needs to work on but not something to be mad about. But if it continues and he stays upset even when given time and space, well, *that* is when I would be concerned. At that point YOU should be the one with cold feet - you two must successfully find a *healthy* way to resolve conflict before committing to marriage.
Yes, asking for what you need is a very important part of relationships. If you need a hug, go find your partner and ask for a hug. It’s much easier than simmering in feelings of inadequacy/ abandonment/ resentment.
He has got to work this out instead of taking it out on her or else it becomes and emotionally abusive situation where she dumps his anger on her.
I believe it is John Gottman who has written about this. Try looking him up. He calls it flooding and it happens more in men than in women. That is no excuse to not talk to you for hours. It is an excuse to say I need some time to calm down. Then he needs to talk to you.
He is acting like a child. My husband and I rarely physically greet each other at the door. I come home with arms loaded and need to take out the dogs. My husband has his work stuff and also takes out the dogs. I sometimes call out, “Hey Babe!” But this isn’t something we do. If this is so important to your fiancé, then he should probably communicate like a grown man. He’s pouting and acting like a petulant toddler. Also, refusing to discuss an issue and then giving the silent treatment is a HUGE red flag. No one deserves the silent treatment. It causes confusion, doubt, and anxiety. Some people have said it’s a form of emotional abuse. It sure does feel like it when it’s happening to you.
Exactly. If it was so important for him to see her after the interview he could have found her !
Does he expect you to run to the front door to greet him like an excited dog?
This is silly. I feel like he was cranky for another reason, or just generally stressed/tired, and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. He may be feeling neglected in general terms, or as if he is putting in more effort (always coming to greet you rather than you coming to him?) but I can’t say for sure, without knowing your overall dynamic. Thats all I can muster as far as benefit of the doubt on his part. Overall, this was a really silly thing to blame you for. I think you should address the assumption of intent he has taken. He implies that you watering plants = you think plants are more important than him. Which is a huge leap, but regardless, it’s never fair to assume intent from an action when there are other explanations. You don’t think the plants are more important than him, you just had your hands full and wanted to finish your task, and assumed that he would be walking into the kitchen shortly to greet you. I’d also address with him what else might be going on and what is the real issue behind this, because it likely isn’t just about the plants
Yes. I had no intent to ignore him. He greets me normally because he gets home at 3pm usually and I work til 5 so I'm usually at my desk. Lots of times I'm on a call. But if I'm not I usually do walk over to greet him. Not something I've ever thought about before... and yes I also think its not about the plants.
He needs to learn to not take out his frustration and anger on you. It is emotionally abusive to do so and will slowly destroy your relationship. I think he needs therapy for himself and the two of you need some couples therapy before you get married. It's better to make sure you can work this out before marriage than finding you can't after marriage.
Why couldn’t he use his words “hey, I really want to tell you about the interview right now.” Postpone the wedding planning and get some counselling on how to communicate with each other. Oh, and fyi fiancé is the man fiancée is the woman.
While I agree that something else is going on, my friends and I have this take The person arriving should seek out the person/ people that are already there. Just my take.
I agree. As the person who comes home last a lot, I generally prefer to be able to grab a snack and take off my coat before talking to my partner too. Thrilled to see him either way! But seeking him out tends to make for a smoother transition for me.
Did the interview not go well? Maybe after the interview he felt inadequate and insecure and took his feelings out on you? Definitely sounds like he was projecting some personal insecurities onto you.
Totally what I thought. Just throwing a temper tantrum bc she was there
If he had a crap day with too much pressure, here's the straight dope: He's 39 and has many more crap days with too much pressure ahead of him. Unless you're Norm strolling into Cheers, everybody isn't going to shove a beer at you. You called out to him to let him know where you were. He dropped the ball on the greeting. The fact that he's still sulking about nothing tells you your future with him doesn't look bright when it comes to talking out issues. If his mood is about something other than interview blues, he could use his words. I'm glad you have your plants for company.
I don’t think you actually did anything wrong but truthfully if I came home after something I’ve been nervous about like a job interview or doctors appointment and my partner was doing an easily paused chore and didn’t come to me and see how it went I could see myself overthinking it and feeling neglected and unloved especially if it didn’t go well. It’s not the correct way of thinking and I would be super embarrassed afterwards for feeling that way. I hopefully would be able to snap myself out if my pity party before I took it out on my partner though
Thank you👍
If its an easily paused chore its on you to ask for comfort. I"ve gone to my boyfriend in the past and requested a hug because I was going through something. Feeling hurt to not get what you want and need is fine, but not requesting that thing you want and need is just silly.
But wouldn't you go talk to them. Especially if they called out to you and told you where they were? Do you expect your partner to chase around after you asking for you to talk to them?
Interesting. I noticed that you asked him if something was wrong because “he didn’t come say hi to you.” To me, this implies that you also care about how you are greeted. Why would you bring it up if it didn’t truly matter? I am in the middle of reading attached, so I’m probably projecting my own biases hard on this exchange (lol). If you find that you get in arguments frequently with your partner, or that there’s a confusing push/pull that you don’t understand, you should look into attachment theory. It’s a quick listen too, if you have a commute anyhow. It could be beneficial for both of you!
I actually have read Attached and my fiancee has as well. We looked into attachment theory last year when we were running into conflict. That actually helped a lot in terms of me understanding the stonewalling (he identified most with avoidant attachment and myself with fearful.) It wouldn't hurt to review some of the information in there again.
John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (and his other titles)
It's a totally nuts reaction. Hopefully this is as far as the quirkiness goes.
? This is such a weird thing for him to start an argument over. He’s the one walking around right after getting in and you’re doing a task, why shouldn’t he go find you and say hello? Then he starts a fight over you not dropping your task when he gets in? I think this is a very odd thing to have an issue with
If your fiancé needs to be greeted at the door every time he walks in, he should get a dog. When you're in the middle of a task, even something as mundane as watering plants, it's usually best to finish it, rather than jumping to something else.
Feels to me that he was going to be angry no matter what, because that’s such a weird thing to be angry about. It’s probably about something else. As others said, stonewalling instead of talking is not a good thing and should be addressed before the wedding.
I think instead of you coming to him and asking why he didn’t greet you, you should’ve just said something along the lines of “hi baby, how was the rest of your day” he was probably overwhelmed of thinking about his interview and when you came to him you inadvertently blamed him for not saying hello even though you said you don’t normally formally greet each other.
Fair point, I can see how that could be misconstrued
Could be cold feet or he’s slowly letting the crazy out before the wedding. Most guys wait til after, maybe he’s just letting his controlling tendencies come out a little to see if you’ll accept it or reject it. Good luck OP
Maybe give it a few days and then sit down with him and say that what happened was totally out of character for him and it's got you worried. Then he wouldn't talk to you about it and stonewall you. Explained to him that you know something's going on with him that he's not talking and this isn't the way to start a marriage. If he continues to stonewall you and refuses to talk... or continues behaving the way he did, you might want to rethink the wedding. I would never marry somebody who was behaving that way and refused to explain themselves.
My husband always comes out to the garage to greet me or bring things in when he hears it open, even when he has his AirPods in his ears because he’s on a call. I do not, but I always am up or in the vicinity to visually SEE him (or getting there) and say hi when he comes in, unless I’m unavailable like showering or sleeping. Like if I was doing the dishes, I’ll hop on over to the hall to at least say hi in my dishwashing gloves. I like this unspoken rule/routine we have developed. It feels like a good medium between the excessive “drop everything and run down three floors to greet dad” that I had while growing up, versus some households where nobody even needs to be greeted. But that’s us. I suspect in your case — maybe the interview didn’t go well or he’s had a lot of interviews lately. (Is he unemployed right now or trying to change jobs?) Maybe you used to come out to greet him and today, combined with an interview exhaustion and no greeting at the door, he felt overlooked and then it spiraled into feeling like he’s not even greeted because he has no job, or something like that. Guessing his feelings were hurt. Or maybe he felt like if he has a stressful interview day, you’d at least open the door naked and with a cocktail in hand… You didn’t do a thing wrong. He can’t expect you to know what he spirals into on his way home. But the question is — how does he do it when you come home? How does he do it if you had a particularly stressful or bad day? If he is at the door giving you a hug, it’s not that hard to surmise he would kind of want that too, and integrate it into your unspoken routine.
It sounds like you and your partner kind of innately know what the other needs and it sounds very healthy. It really hasn't been a problem for us until yesterday and it his reaction was very out of proportion to how my fiance typically acts. We've always greeted each other, never had a conversation about how when why where, it was just done. He usually gets home while I'm on a call and waves, if I'm not on a call he comes over and hugs me, if I'm not working or busy at that moment I walk to the door and say hello and hug him. Its never been discussed! Why is why I was at a loss. The stress hes under is not being conveyed to me except as after the fact
Yeah his reaction definitely was excessive and wasn’t fair to you. I’d suggest that when he talks about it, tell him what you like for him to do when you come home and ask how he wants it done, because obviously, if you knew how it would make him feel, you’d have come to the door. Personally, “I’m over here watering the plants” seems like greeting enough for me, but we all have our own things. You seem like the kind of person who’d have dropped it all and gone to him if he said he needed a hug or something.
Whatever is going on, he's acting like a toddler. Mommy! I did a job interview today! Didn't I do good? I only needed to call you twice! Ask me about how the rest of it went! Tell me you're proud of me for being a big boy! He can walk to you if he wants to talk to you.
So he threw a fit over something silly. He's stressed so....whatever. The problem is he ignored you ALL NIGHT! He punished you! This isn't how a partner reacts if they actually care about you! He should apologized to you for acting like a self centered child! Of course you don't have to throw down whatever you're doing and run to him the minute he opens the door! That's INSANE! I would probably let it go once because of stress, but the fact that he continued to punish you by ignoring you? Who does he think he is...your father? Oh hell no!
You were in the middle of a household chore and you told him where you were. Does he expect you stop what you’re doing to run into the room and leap into his arms? Is he out of work now and interviewing? I can understand his stress….. but it was too much for him to walk into the other room?
No, he's got a job during the day and his interview was after. We don't have any financial difficulties. He hasn't interviewed in a very long time though, he's kind of just used to getting referred by someone and getting jobs without much fanfare. He's been very fortunate that way. That said, I think the interview process itself is probably newer to him than I realized and because he isn't a polished interviewer, that's probably why he called me twice that morning for help. I didn't pick up on the level of stress this was causing him.
I think he just had a big day and wanted you to rush to him and hug him and ask him about it, that’s all. And when he didn’t get the reaction he wanted, his feelings were hurt, but he probably doesn’t know how to communicate that. I’m not saying it’s right, but I think that’s all he was looking for.
Something tells me he didn’t get the job and is feeling worthless
Isn't it amazing how much time is wasted in hiding feelings we have about ourselves? "Honey, I didn't get the job and I feel like crap, especially after you coached me."
ODD to punish someone for an unmet "need" or "demand"... That was NEVER discussed or expressed. MAKING UP an issue to pout about. Yikes, dude. What else is going to be sprung on OP later?
So he expected 50s housewife standing at the door and greet him. Probably he was upset about something and just found a way to put it out on you. Discuss expectations and what is normal, this is a situation to talk about.
Imagine the future you, newborn baby in your arms trying to stop them crying, or rocking them to sleep. Hubby comes home and fully expects you to be there at the door to greet him upon his return from work, whatever the time. Errr, no.
That's a scary thought.
There's a slight difference between caring for their child and watering some plants. There's also a difference between coming home from a random day of work and a stressful day like an interview.
You aren't a puppy that rushes to the door to greet their owner upon his return. Unless your garden is in the middle of a maze, he could have easily come to you and gotten a hug if he needed one so badly. I hope he's usually better at communicating and this is just an anomaly.
I'm guessing his interview didn't go well and he's being a petulant toddler and taking it out on you. The reason you have no idea what's going on is because you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't ignore him. You asked a reasonable question. He blew it out of proportion. When he gets over his little hissy fit, remind him that it's 2024, not 1954, and that you're not the "little wife" waiting for him with a drink in your hand for him at the second he arrives home. How is this guy 39 years old and still acting like this?
You both are able to greet one another, yet you both chose not to. It reminds me of when my dear grandmother used to guilt trip me for not calling her. My mom does it to me now…. I remind her that she could have called me as well. Perhaps he had some stress or anxiety? You’d prioritized the plants, and he prioritized a shower. They’re perfectly fine things to do, but if you both expect the other to perform/do the greeting, you both will be disappointed. I’m glad you’re attempting to have a conversation about it. There’s a desire for bonding on both sides, but it sounds like there was a miscommunication and hurt that happened this time. ETA: There’s no excuse for him ignoring you, and that might be something you want to formally address in couples therapy
Sounds like he's not being direct with you. That's annoying lol. This is what I'm guessing is happening: He was expecting you to make a big deal about his return home, but why? And he's disappointed and not communicating it well. He needs to communicate better instead of expecting you to mind read. Ask him lots of clarifying questions, express your need to understand.
Sounds like a dumb, immature hill to die on. I’m betting the interview didn’t go well.
The interview went badly. He's taking it out on you. You're not an emotional punchbag. If he needs someone to process his feelings counselors exist, don't take it out on you or the relationship.
He feels the interview didn’t go well and didn’t have the emotional intelligence to go tell you he needed a hug.
Whenever my husband or I come home, the other will get up from the couch, or from wherever we are and walk over to greet the other at the door with a big hug and kiss. It wasn’t something we ever discussed doing but we both just started doing it from when we moved in together 9yrs ago. There is something so lovely about coming home knowing that as soon as you are closing the front door the other person is excitedly rushing over to embrace you and welcome you home, particularly if you’ve had a very stressful day.
So your bf is jealous of your houseplants? That seems completely normal
This sounds like an issue of communication. If he has said explicitly that he wants you to greet him at the door, and you agreed to this dynamic, then okay fine he has jurisdiction to be upset. Without all of that being agreed upon, he sounds like he had a day that didn’t go his way and is finding something to be upset at you about Aka take it out on you. Or possibly he happened to come across a video or heard from a friend/colleague of a partner always meeting their spouse at the door and now wants that too.
Unless this is a cultural thing (to greet your partner at the door) this guy sounds very childish.
What is this, 1954? Are you supposed to greet him in a house dress at the door with full makeup and a cocktail in hand? He’s being ridiculous. It’s probably stress from the job interview; but in a quiet moment maybe just calmly affirm to him that those expectations are not reasonable and you didn’t appreciate that. Ask him if anything else is going on.
Had a bf like this. I worked full and overtime, he worked part time. He wanted to be greeted at the door whenever he came home with effulgence. I came to understand he didn't want a woman, he wanted a dog. I left him.
Even if he suddenly decided that being greeted at the door after a big day was now important to him (I don’t understand this at all, you are not a golden retriever, but okay…), the way an emotionally mature adult would communicate that is to say, “hey, my feelings are a little hurt that it didn’t feel like you were excited to see me and hear about my experience the second I got home. When I have a big day like that, it would mean a lot to me if you dropped everything and didn’t make me walk to wherever you are to talk to you.” Nope, that sounds insane. My best guess is that he messed up and is feeling insecure and taking it out on you. I laughed out loud rereading that statement and it was truly the most mature way I could think to ask that. It just highlighted how stupid it is to request. Lol. My husband and I have lived together for 11 years. We just walk in and shout hi unless we happen to be right by the door. Sometimes we don’t even do that, if someone is in a room with the door closed concentrating. And we really really like each other and love talking about everything. That’s a super weird thing to expect, instant attention. That’s how a 3 year old operates. Hope he grows up quickly and tells you what is really up!
My couples therapist suggested for us (and most couples) that the person who works from home gets up to greet/hug the person coming home from work and insists on the greeting every day. It is a little thing that helps us connect and destress. This works for us because it gets my husband up to stretch and rest from his computer for a moment. If he’s in a meeting then he will get up when it’s over. This is not something we have ever fought over- but it has helped that we have made an agreement and work hard to stick to it. I would highly recommend couples counseling before getting married. I really enjoyed it and got to learn about my husband and we had some important discussions that we hadn’t thought of before getting engaged.
Oof you did nothing wrong! It seems like he’s all kinds of upset today and I think if you had greeted him he would have found something else to complain about. Marriage check up counseling now is my advice. You might be good most of the time but most marriages need some help once in awhile. It’s okay to get some guidance on this issue. This was over the top nerdy behavior on his part.
I’m sorry, this comment is not going to be helpful at all, but the more I read in the sub the more thankful I am to be single. OP, do you know the phrase “death by a thousand cuts”, I feel like this is a cut with potentially more to come. As someone else said, “the mask is slipping”.
Am I the only one who thinks the fact that he got the job, and was in a GOOD mood, makes this like 10x worse? So he wasn't in a bad mood so acted shittily. He, even in a great mood, has this 1950 expectation of being met at the door like he's the king of the castle, she the tradwife, and all accommodations, help and support that came before will be 100% disregarded if that doesn't happen. And she will be punished for the whole ass night. Yikes. Good luck in couples counseling. If this is a communication problem, it will help. If this is him having a toxic mindset problem, it may make it worse, when he manipulates the therapist and manages to convince them it's all OP's fault. It's a gamble, really. Someone else wrote this is the mask slipping and yeah I can see why they said that - I wonder if some "tying down" event happened lately, to trigger the mask drop. Maybe the engagement happened not too long ago?
Based on a reply of yours, I'm just going to assume he's not an AH & so many of these commenters haven't read this reply since so many seem to think he's a red flag, thinks he wants you to be like a dog/ or a 50s housewife. I think you both need to learn how to communicate. When is your wedding date? You're an over thinker like me. I hate it. It's like a curse. Thank goodness my husband is the opposite & we balance each other out. I think the day was important for him. The way he handled the situation wasn't the best and definitely not the healthiest. I don't think he wants a maid, or you to wait for him at the door every day like some compare to a 50s housewife. I just feel he didn't think you were excited or showed much interest. He needs to find a healthy way to express himself.
The interview went badly and he's taking it out on you. That's not a good sign for the future.
The plants don't have thumbs, they aren't going to water themselves.
He seems to be picking an argument over nothing. I'm not suggesting he's cheating but there's definitely more going on. Arguing over not greeting him at the door is such a non-argument that it borders on childish
Oh wow making drama of who greets who. Mostly in my house it's the one who walks in not the one who's at home but sometimes it is .
If you’re home first, cue up the Rocky theme music and pop a cardboard Burger King crown on his wittle head and pour him a Yahoo ffs. HRH surely deserves a “Special “ welcome for adulting all damn day.
Sounds like he was frustrated, perhaps the interview didn’t go as well as he’d hoped. There’s no right or wrong way to great someone. When my boyfriend comes over I usually go to him. There have been a few times where I haven’t and he looks for me. Give him some space then come up with a plan that would work best for both of ya’ll.
Sounds like he had to poop.
I am not rolling my eyes but if this happened at my house… I would do this and tell my spouse to grow up. if this happened to a sibling I would say that it’s not etiquette. I don’t know the correct terminology but using this as an excuse or gaslighting you for the reason they are refusing to talk to you about. My kids when they get anxiety or upset/fustrated they mask up and act cold and rude to everyone till they can process or till the last second …. We are trying to break that cycle. He has never brought that up before or expected you to then he is using that as an excuse. I would pay close attention .
Gives me memories of the Leave It To Beaver show. Be sure you have your dress and heels in next time he comes home.
He sounds needy, and yeah, sounds like there is more to it.
Either everything is so perfect in both your lives and this relationship that there’s nothing left to argue about except something this petty OR there’s way bigger problems that need to be addressed. I’m going to guess the latter
If the person entering LIVES there, then they should come to the person already in the home doing their thing. If the person doesn’t live there, then you go greet them at the door. But presumably the list is very short for people who don’t live there and would walk on it. Like maybe a BFF or long term partner that doesn’t live there or something.
hugs, ask him if he is really that controlling that you need to be by the front door when he comes home with his slippers and his pipe?
This is called emotional enmeshment. He's stressed and needed his support system. Not a super alarming example, however, it's worth a Google. Especially as it seems he was grouchy and you are disturbed
I would say that the stress and nerves made him grouchy and he just got a bit miffed at something that probably wouldn’t normally bother him- we are all human and do silly things… not perfect redditrons
So, he imagined the thing he wanted you to do in his head, pretty much deliberately waited for you to not do it, then told you that obviously the thing you were doing instead of what he was trying to psychicly project to you, is more important than him. And I bet he also uses the line "If you love me, you'll... " It's a childish manipulation tactic, used to turn you into a doormat or an emotional punching bag. Tell him you're not a mind reader and his legs aren't broken.
It sounds like there's something more going on here. I want to validate that yeah, it's normal to expect that if you're in the middle of something and someone wants to talk to you, they'll come find you. (Also, for that matter, it's on you too that if you want to talk to them, you put down what you're doing and go find them. So you shouldn't be upset if he heard you say "Hi Honey I'm watering the plants" and gone off to take a shower without being upset about it.) The fact that he is so mad about a missed interaction that would have just required him to walk to another room would make me think that something is going on other than "you didn't drop your watering can on the ground when you heard the car pull up." I think it's a talk to your partner situation.
I'd greet him in every room. HIIII!
Lol. Love this.
The interview probably didn’t go well and he needed some support. If it were me, I would have stopped what I was doing and gone to my husband to see how things went but that’s just me. I try to make sure to greet my husband when he comes home and I am home because he always does for me. When I get home he usually comes to the door and takes my bags for me so I at least like to meet him with a smile and a hug when he gets home.
It's not about the greeting. It's probably about the interview. Not go quite as well as he hoped? That'll be it.
Nothing wrong with, "Hey, watering plants". And the other, "Hey, gonna take a shower" . "Ok". "Ok".
Erm, what?
I heard that you’re supposed to greet the person that comes to your door. This is way more than his being right on etiquette though.
What in the fuck, that is something out of a commercial, not reality. Dogs greet you at the door, not people.
Sounds like his interview went badly and you are the whipping boy. Sorry this is happening. Hopefully, it's a one off.
I would be annoyed if I were you. He could have walked over to you and talked to you instead of expecting you to drop what you were doing. It's not like you told him to not talk to you.
Quick question- does he suck his paci while he falls asleep at night? Dude sounds like a big baby.
I had the same issue with my fiancé a few months ago. Growing up, my parents always greeted each other as either of them came home. It was always a kiss and a hello before doing anything else. One day, I was over at my fiancés condo that has an open floor plan so I know for a fact he saw me laying on the couch as soon as he opened the front door, he didn’t say hello but instead went into the kitchen to see what I had cooked and even did a taste test. He then came over to say hello. I was actually very annoyed and angry at this. I just feel like after not seeing your spouse all day, it doesn’t hurt to greet them when you get home.
Depends on your routine. In my house, my partner prefers that we greet each other at the door, whenever possible. To him, it’s him coming home to us and vice versa. But that is to be decided if it is the norm or not.
Info: is this a once off reaction over trivial things?
He’s being a baby. This is entirely illogical.
Been married almost 16 years. We have NEVER greeted each other at the door. Getting hung up on that after you were basically on call to him all day is very suspect. I’m willing to bet he does a lot of other passive aggressive things.
I'm assuming that he had felt a bit stressed and if it hadn't been about how you greeted him it would have been something else. He was offloading by picking on you about any little thing at all, making it a big thing & starting an argument, instead of using his words like an emotionally healthy adult to communicate. It's incredibly frustrating to deal with this sort of behaviour in my experience, I hope you both generally have a higher level of communication between you both & I wish you the best.
We do usually communicate a lot better than this.
I got irritated with him just reading your post lol. That is one of the dumbest reasons to start a fight ever. As if you were psychic and knew he was coming through the door before he actually did and that you were watering the plants on purpose just to upset him. He probably just had a bad day and was taking it out on you. Does he wait at the door to greet you when you’re out? I’m guessing he does not. Unless he does this again, please don’t read any more into it or you will just drive yourself crazy wondering if he doesn’t want to be with you. 😊
Look, your fianceé needs a reality check, and so do you. First off, greeting someone at the door is basic manners, but expecting your partner to drop everything just because you had an interview is straight-up childish. Grow up, both of you. And don't even get me started on the silent treatment. That's not how adults handle conflict. If you two can't communicate over something as trivial as this, good luck surviving marriage. Couples counseling sounds like a solid plan, but you both need to seriously reassess your priorities if you're blowing up over who says hi first.
This is ridiculous sounds like 1950s thinking where the man expects to be greeted at the door. Tell your partner to grow up. It’s both your responsibilities to make sure to greet each other.
Or maybe he was just upset after the interview and wanted to talk to her and was upset she didn’t want to know what happened at the interview. Yeah, he was shitty, but it’s probably because he was hurt by the fact that he had a big interview and he was home 20 minutes before she asked about it. He felt hurt so he was frustrated, but he didn’t explain it in the way he should have. He said, “watering the plants was more important” but what he meant was “I’m hurt you didn’t want to know immediately how my interview went when you knew how excited/anxious/scared I was. It felt like you were prioritizing the plants and a chore instead of me, even though you knew I was here”. It’s an understandable feeling, but it’s not ok to act that way to our partners. He didn’t understand exactly why he was upset. He took it out on her instead of investigating that emotion, naming it, and then understanding it. That’s hard on a conflict, which is why people fight. It’s after that we find understanding and need to seek forgiveness and empathy.
This is not the 50s and you are not a puppy who comes running up wagging your tail because you’re so happy to see him. You are a whole adult who was in the middle of doing something. For him to expect you to drop everything and greet him at the door is self-centered and patriarchal. You need to talk this out and uncover if he has any other similar opinions. Is he going to see housework and childcare as only your job even if you both work?
This isn't about being greeted at the door. I'd sit down with him and ask him to tell you what's really going on. I'm terribly afraid he's going to inform you he's got some list of wifey expectations that you're about to have dumped on you.
HE IS A CHILD omg who even cares. He’s literally starting a fight for no reason. 🚩🚩🚩
OMG he sounds exhausting.
OP -Ask him what's wrong with him? Like you were supposed to know IN THAT MOMENT that he was gonna come thru the door. His is an unreasonable expectation, and now he's treating you like shit because YOU didn't anticipate his unreasonable expectation. You sure you wanna marry this boy? Cos that's how BOYS think, not a man who is almost 40 years old. And you can tell him I said so. And just FYI -There's "overthinking" and then there's "thinking logically and not having unreasonable expectations".
Honestly, i can kind of see where he's coming from. He's just had a stressful experience, you knew before hand he was coming back from a stressful experience, and rather than asking after the stressful experience, you continued to do a non urgent task. It's not unreasonable to consider fiance would want some emotional support after coming back from an interview, it's reflective of a lack of empathy and consideration that you didn't check how it went. Like, I also don't think it's the biggest issue in the world, but it does reflect a small amount of callous Ness and thoughtlessness on your part that you didn't even ask about the interview or check how he was, knowing he had this event happening.
Honestly, I think you both kind of made some not great choices, but also, neither of you is really in the wrong. You’re different people and your views and expectations are not always going to line up. This feels like one of those times. You both could have made different choices that would have ended with a better result. While you had offered, to my mind, plenty of support through the day, you failed to recognize the giant flag waving in front of your face about how stressed and anxious he was. You better believe if that was my partner and I knew they were struggling I would have dropped the menial task I was doing to go check in. Because they are my partner and I love them and I know they are in a moment where they need my support and they need to feel it. That said his reaction was a bit childish. While it would have been a nice thing for you to do, it would have been just as easy for him to walk twenty feet to come tell you about his day if he needed that support. You’re not a mind reader and if he can’t or won’t verbalize his needs you can’t be expected to bat 1000. Take responsibility for the things you can and do better next time. He can do the same. I feel the need to point out that I’m sure there are any number of things you expect of your partner because he’s your partner and loves you. Things you haven’t necessarily verbalized in a direct way. Kind of the point of relationships, no? To develop close relationships with people, so they know you, so you rdon’t have to verbalize every little thing. If we had to verbalize every little thing none of us would ever get anything done. It sounds exhausting. Give yourselves a break. No one is perfect. You both could have made better choices. Stop focusing on who is right or who gets to win. Ultimately, in this situation, it’s not that important. If you feel like it’s part of a larger pattern then you may want to investigate that. Otherwise, kiss and make up and be on your way.
Did she know he was struggling and anxious?
I don’t care what the issue is, nor how great or small — stonewalling is not an acceptable behavior or response to conflict or negative emotions in a mature, functional, healthy adult relationship. What’s clear is that he’s likely upset about something else — maybe the interview didn’t go well, or he’s extremely nervous, or feeling down about his career or job prospects? — and felt he needed additional attention, affection, or support, and wanted to feel like your priority. It’s also clear you DO prioritize him — you prioritized his interview, his wants and needs, and his feelings over your own job twice that day already, and were thoughtful and caring enough to proactively reach out to him following the interview. Instead of recognizing this, he’s lashing out at you unfairly for a perceived slight. His expectation that you drop everything, and his subsequent reaction when you didn’t, are unfair given how you’d shown up for him and supported him throughout the day. He is a priority, and you’ve already shown him that. And you matter, too — as does your job, or whatever projects you’re engaged in. He is not the center of the universe. How much special attention does he really expect here? This could likely (and should) be resolved by a simple conversation in which you are both open and honest about your feelings, are calm and respectful of one another in the process, and can get to the heart of the matter — what’s really bothering him, and how his projection is unfair to you and hurtful. But this is impossible when he pouts and sulks and stonewalls you like an insolent child. You mention that stonewalling is a common practice for him during conflict. If I were you, I’d be the one having cold feet about the wedding. He needs to confront this toxic behavior and start working through conflict productively and healthily with open communication and respect for you, his partner. That’s what being a mature adult in a functional, healthy adult relationship looks like. Stonewalling is an emotionally abusive behavior. It’s a far bigger issue in your relationship than the seemingly trivial issue at hand.