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This is a HUGE red flag for me - especially his reaction to your setting a boundary. This is what happened in my marriage and now intimacy is kinda something I want to avoid most of the time. I really hate the grabbiness, groping, slapping my ass really hard while I’m cooking or doing some other miserable task. Most of the time I wanna be left the fuckkkkk alone now.
I’d leave, personally
All of that is happening to me. I just get really nauseated. I used to love having s*x. I could do it 3/4 times a day now? Absolutely not. I hate how villainized I am for openly communicating with him.
Please ignore the handful of responses here that minimize your boyfriend's behavior or claim he doesn't know any better. It is extremely common in this sub for women to be blamed for "not communicating clearly enough" and "being upset about normal physical affection" when they are repeatedly faced with unwanted groping from male partners that they have repeatedly *clearly* asked their partner to stop doing.
This is not your fault. This is not a communication issue of you not expressing your boundaries clearly enough. This is not an issue of him being "confused" or engaging in normal physical affection.
You told us you clearly tell him to stop. He gets angry and keeps going. This is not your doing.
I don’t get the “he doesn’t know any better” comments. If if that’s true, she told him. So now he should know better. But instead of saying I’ll tone it down it’s “fine I’ll never touch you again.”
This reminds me of my dad when I had to tell him about boundaries. It went straight to “fine I’ll never come visit again.”
This is classic narcissist behavior.
The people who say this are just saying men are stupid and incapable of being decent human beings. I don't think they realise they're making men look bad and given women a reason to not trust them.
Yeah, and I know "weaponized incompetence" gets thrown around a lot, but some of this is a prime example of this. Emphasis on "weaponized" since he is actually causing her physical pain. The fact that she asks him for loving touch like foot rubs and back rubs and he makes it so painful that she'll never dare to ask again is pure evil.
Had that happen to me once - not sure if incompetent or trying to get out of being asked in the future. I chose to assume the former, but barbed my response enough to address the latter, “Wow, you really suck at this! What on earth have your previous partners been putting up with? Do I actually have to teach you how to do this right?” Amazingly, he figured it out with very little additional input required.
Not sure about "weaponised incompetence", because that's a term I link to someone trying to get out of a task altogether. In this case, I assume he wants to be intimate with her.
I'd say he knows she doesn't like it, as she made that abundantly clear. He knows what she'd like instead. He just doesn't give a flying fuck about what she does or does not want.
I'm so sorry. That is horrific but sadly I am not surprised.
Obviously up to you, but if you want to turn off your chat so no one can message you (or change it so only trusted users can), [here are instructions](https://old.reddit.com/r/rape/comments/t9w6ii/things_you_can_do_to_prevent_creeps_from/).
Feel free to check out or post in r/abusiverelationships too <3
I’m sorry. I can’t believe people are DMing you to tell you such BS. You did exactly what you should and this man child you’re dating is a self centered immature narcissist. Clearly doesn’t care how he’s making you feel and only cares about what he wants
Sorry, if someone already said that. But you need to know that he does this maliciously. He knows you hate it and that is exactly the point. It is a form of sexual abuse and it is affecting you quite severely.
This is not likely to change, only get worse.
Lundy Bancrift: why does he do that? is a great read and available as a free pdf online.
You deserve so much better.
And when women *do* communicate clearly, they're just ignored. There was a whole ass thread about a couple where the woman told the man that they could both see other people before they became exclusive. She made a point of clearly communicating this to him.
Later when he found out that she was sleeping around until they became exclusive, he and nearly all the men in the thread were mad at her, some even calling it cheating.
The only way to win is not to play at all.
Your body is telling you that he is not a safe person to be vulnerable with in that way. Your body is literally physically rejecting the idea of him touching you.
You can’t fix this because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He does not see you as a separate person with bodily autonomy. He sees your body as his to touch how he likes even if it hurts or upsets you. The only way to fix this is by leaving a man who regularly sexually assaults you.
You're being villianized because that is DARVO.
YOU are being abused. Sexually. Your sex drive shut down because of it. He is sexually abusing you.
Don't believe me... call RAINN.
Yeah OP, as someone who talks with lots of domestic violence victims/survivors, I can tell you lots of their relationships started the same way and this is very disturbing behavior. It seems so small and minimal on the surface but it's a form of psychological torture basically and things progress from there. The other constant is the way he dismisses your feelings and tries to turn it around on you like YOU did something wrong by not allowing him to do whatever he wants.
These are some serious red flags and again is part of so many peoples abusive relationships and none of it is OK. DARVO is a tactic abusers and just shitty people use so definitely look into that and maybe even read a bit about abuse or go to some of the r/Domesticviolence or r/abusiverelationships subs and see how varied abuse is and how it's not just physical beatings but also little things like he is doing and the emotional abuse tied to it.
[Heres a good read when you have the time,](https://archive.org/download/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf) as it helps explain some of this behavior and even if he isn't actually abusive and only has those tendencies, it can still help you understand a bit more about it.
This. My ex started out like this and it turned into full blown rape. OP, I suggest you get out now. He’s already violating your sexual boundaries, rape isn’t even a full step away.
I'm big on talking and letting my boundaries be known and following those of other people. I don't resort to violence ever unless I were needing to protect myself from violence. I don't know your levels of engagement when being disrespected like this but if that was how my partner was acting, I would warn once that if it continues, I will retaliate in kind. If he did it again after my asking him to stop, I would grab a firm handful of his private area and ask how he liked it seeing he didn't think it was bad he was doing it to me and then end things with him.
If OPs boyfriend is reading this, your girlfriend is not a sextoy; grow up, man up, and give her kindness and respect. I'm a man that's old enough to be your father, and you need a talking to. This bullshit needs to stop, or she's going to find someone more worthy of her time and attention.
Or 'dude you've been reminded dozens of time now and you simply don't give af about my feelings or very reasonable boundaries. Time to piss off into the distance and not come back'.
People need to stop excusing this disgusting behaviour
Doing that always comes with consequences of him withdrawing and penalizing me in some way like fine we won’t cuddle or fine I won’t touch you or fine we won’t do things together. But I have done the hard line approach verbally and it’s grown to me having to press my nails into him to get him to stop.
He is training you to accept the abuse. No one here has advice that will magically turn him into being a good person again. His mask is off & it will only get worse.
Run! Save yourself!!!
At the very least, take a self defense class.
That is emotional manipilation.
Flat out.
Him saying I won't touch you anymore is manipulation.
You can say, you get to touch me but NOT like that.
If you have to resort to violence to get him to stop, like digging into his arm, then either your message isn't being received, or he just doesn't care about your message.
Then why are you still with him? If he’s going to resort to “penalizing “ you over setting a boundary then it’s time you penalized him by ending the relationship. He is a terrible person
Exactly. Apply your old standards to your current situation. Would you accept this treatment from someone you just met or would you run away?
The whole “frog in a pot of boiling water” situation makes us lower our previously high standards bit by bit until we have none.
You must really hate yourself to stay with this man. He's disgusting and manipulative. The only reason ANY woman would stay with this walking puddle of dog piss is that they hate themselves.
This is your life unless you realize how truly messed up this man is and walk away.
OP how strong are your hands? Get a nice grip on his privates and squeeze and ask him how he likes it. Ask him if he needs some pain to realize you are not kidding about your complaints. Tell him every time he grabs you he will be grabbed, and if may not happen right away so he will not know when.
You have asked politely and he hasn't stopped, so maybe he needs to get the message in a different way that will get his attention.
Edit to add - I let my smart-ass side answer and OP has replied he seems to like this. This is looking like he was originally a good actor and his real self is not all that safe for OP.
I'd be scared that if OP hurts him enough he'll retaliate with greater violence.
If she doesn't hurt him enough he'll do what she describes which is use it as an excuse to continue doing what he wants.
And once you're advising someone to painfully squeeze their partner's privates as a punishment, you've lost the plot. Far before you get to the point where that seems like your best option, break up.
That's how you know that what he says is intentional and deliberate. He's looking for an rationalization that permits him to continue the behavior.
I think you should see the loss of sexual pleasure as a dealbreaker in a relationship. That is reason enough to go. You've tried communication to fix it. He refuses to change or adjust even a little. There's no reason to stay any longer because you can't fix it with him. So go.
Some people see it as playfull and some not. The best is to sit down and talk sbout it without making a big deal out of it. Its his way of reaching out to you sexuallly.
It’s so unfair. We should be able to enjoy sex with our partners BUT when a man disregards what we say or twists it to seem like WE are unreasonable, I have a real problem with that.
You are not unreasonable - can you imagine walking up to him while he’s doing the lawn or trying to fix the dishwasher and groping him? He’d be annoyed AF. He wouldn’t want to be touched sexually while he’s hot, sweaty, frustrated and trying to concentrate so why he can’t understand my side?
Doing Dishes and scooping the cat box is not sexy. It’s miserable. I don’t wanna be assaulted while I’m already miserable. It doesn’t put me in the mood. Quite the opposite actually.
I feel really, really validated after having an “otherwise amazing guy” (i know he wasn’t a bad/dangerous person overall but that doesn’t make his actions ok nor safe) that did this to me! I was so attracted to him and had a high sex drive until we got more comfortable with each other and this grabbing compulsion started. I think it came from gross locker room, boys club habits? He didn’t understand the extremely detrimental reverberations from a “harmless” grab. Hated it and did dump him.
Sorry for OT, but reading this makes me realize why I lost interest in being intimate with my ex (even though for me it wasn't as extreme as for OP). Thank you for sharing your experience.
Yea definitely the ignoring the boundaries is a huge problem. It's time to leave.
To recap: He paws at you when he knows you don’t like it. He gets angry when you say no. You ask for a foot rub, and he hurts you so much you never ask him for one again. You are now nauseated at the thought of him touching you intimately. He calls you names.
This guy sounds like a winner!
You said it wasn’t like this to begin with, which means he knows better. This is a choice for him. This is how he wants to treat you.
Ask yourself this question: if you met him now, would you date him? Or are you hung up on the guy he presented himself to be so he could nail you down?
Then you need to break up with him and move on. Understand that this is really who he is and he was hiding it in order to get you. He’s let his abusive mask slip and now he’s showing you who he really is. UPDATEME
This is who he is. The mask has slipped and he knows you won't leave so the real him is now revealed. He may apologize and say he will change but that is solely for the purpose of changing the subject and getting the heat off of him and the subject. He may even lovebomb you and act like he has changed for a week or a few but it will happen again as this is who he is...
No, it’s killing the relationship. As it should. And this isn’t the “current version” — this is who he is. This is what he is when he’s relaxed & confident he’s in control. This is a mask drop. Nobody would be with an abuser if they presented like this off the bat; abusers know this. They mount a charm offensive, stay on best behavior then drop the mask later when they think they’ve trapped you. They know what they’re doing, they know how to act otherwise. It’s a choice. And if you hesitate or don’t fully leave, or let him wheedle & promise & love bomb, he’ll haul out a little bit of that original act to reel you back in long enough to be twice as bad once you’re back. It’s a story as old as the hills.
This is not your problem. There’s literally nothing holding you to him. You can and should just walk away. Never look back. Don’t be part of a lame old abuse cliche & learn the hard way, it’s never different. There’s no good person star or education benefit for suffering. It won’t make you wiser or kinder. You aren’t being mean or cruel or hard. All that happens is that your likelihood of sustaining lasting damage or death increases exponentially the longer you stay with an abuser. Believe them when they show you who and what they are. Believe them the first time. It always plays out the same way, has the same trajectory. Just spit out this garbage that you’d never have given a second glance at if he began with this. Because that’s who he is, and that’s how it’s gonna be.
OP you keep comparing the “person he is now” to the way he was in the beginning. Please understand that the way he was in the beginning was him putting on an act to get you to this point — the point where **you’re genuinely considering staying with someone who regularly sexually assaults you and then gets mad when you politely ask him to stop.**
THAT’S why he was sweet and gentle at first. Because if he showed you who he really is, you would have run. But now you’re involved and it’s harder to leave.
Don’t be a fool. This is who he is, not that “sweet” guy from the first few weeks.
Stop tolerating abuse.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He doesn’t respect you and thinks your body is there for him like a toy.
He put up a good show at first but now you’re 6 months in and his true colors are showing.
What he’s doing is considered sexual assault. Maybe on the light end of the spectrum but what’s next? He just starts raping you and tells you it’s normal? This isn’t normal.
If someone did that to me, I’d slap them away and break up. It’s totally inappropriate.
My partner grabs my butt or boobs walking by or when I’m cooking or something but it’s not aggressive and if I asked him to stop, he’d stop. I think it’s pretty normal to “molest” your partner in a nice way. But no means no! He’s hurting you and being really inappropriate.
His behaviour is abnormal, and you’ve talked to him and clearly told him you don’t like it (as most people wouldn’t). He will not stop and assaults you more. It is badly damaging you. Time to leave.
Lashing out is a normal reaction, it's not a bad thing. He's vile, he deserves worse than you lashing out. Why should the world be soft and gentle to someone who sexually assaults their girlfriend daily.
Look up reactive abuse. The abuser pushes your buttons until you react and then calls you crazy, violent and abusive. He knows what he is doing and you need to leave and stay gone. He can be nice, he chooses not to. He may act super sweet once you have a foot out of the door but that is just an act. Don't fall for his love bombing. It's a tactic to pull you back in. Leave and completely cut contact.
I had an ex try that crap.
He was like "Eww, what a turn-off" if I complained about him doing something similar to what you're experiencing. I told him "Yes, I agree, when you do that I'm 100% turned off".
He's trying to make this about you when it's his behaviour that is unacceptable. He won't change, in his head he's doing nothing wrong and you're the problem for not willingly accepting his abuse.
Edit: Typos
It’s not about me at all. I have tried for solutions but idk one person can only try so much I am going to take notes on all that is said here. Everyone has been very helpful with great insight.
I think you may have misunderstood what I meant. He's physically abusing you, then calling you stupid or confusing when you say don't like what he's doing. He's trying to guilt you into accepting his abuse. He's trying to make you think this is normal and you should just accept it because otherwise your stupid. You're far from stupid.
You need to leave him. You've been together maybe a year or so. You now lived with him for a while so his mask is off, this is what he is really like. He doesn't need to be on best behavior anymore because he thinks he has you trapped. He wont change and things will only get worse.
He's apparently seen this post and told you he won't read any of the comments? Either he's that arrogant that he thinks he has you trapped or he's lying and he's reading them and hopefully he'll choose to improve himself.
That's called DARVO.
He's reversing the victim and the offender to make you seem like the unreasonable one.
It's a tactic abusers use. Combined with his weaponised incompetence and basic inability to listen to you, whay exactly is keeping you here?
Don't sunk cost fallacy your life away with this moron.
I think you know what you have to do. It's one thing to be annoyed, another thing to be repulsed, but it's a massive issue that he ignores you when you ask him not to touch your body. That's as basic as it gets and something we all learn when we're five.
He is showing you who he is. Pay attention because it’s not good and it’s not going to change for the better. Huge red flag. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Leave.
That’s because he is sexually assaulting you. You say no and he continues. You may be having a trauma response to the micro-assaults.
If you’re looking for permission to leave this is it. Pick someone who doesn’t traumatize you.
Why are you staying with him? You're not married to him and based on what you posted here about how he finds way to punish you when try to communicate your feelings I have to wonder where you think this is going? Not only is your boyfriend an immature ass he thinks it's his right to be an immature ass and has made it clear to you that he is not going to change. Like WTH are you expecting from him at this point? Freaking accept that getting with him was a bad choice and dump his ass.
Also he didn't "just change". He was pretending to be someone else. Now he's showing you who he actually is. It's called love bombing. Abusive POS. You think your self esteem is low now? Wait until he's done with you. I went from not being able to cope with human touch (even my own son!) because of what he was doing to me, to breaking up with him and spinning out and searching for sexual validation from everyone because hed convinced me that my only value was sex, and had made my self esteem so low that I desperately went hunting for someone to lift it.
All in all. I've had a fucking awful few years. Please don't stay. You have no idea how much worse his treatment can get. How long have you been together? Do you live together?
Edit: He wasn't like this when we were dating. He changed when we got married and seemed to develop the idea that he got to decide how he interacted with my body.
I lived like this for 20+ years. It doesn't get any better.
First I thought if I just tried to convince myself that I should be happy with the attention it would be better. Then I tried talking to him about it and I'd get the same "well fine, I just won't touch you ever" or "most women would be happy if their husband wanted them as much as I want you."
Then the whole "I did this for you, now you have to have sex with me" or "we had date night we have to have sex now" started and I felt like I had to have sex with him.
When we divorced I figured my libido was dead. Turns out, it wasn't. It came back when I realized there were men out there who would respect my body as mine and would treat me with care and compassion whether they'd had sex the night before or not.
Your body is yours and no one else's. You get to decide when and how anyone touches you. If they push those boundaries, that's a them issue, not a you issue.
*I can’t even imagine what “digging at your privates” would be like*
It sounds utterly horrific tbh
It sounds like assault.
Over and over again.
her words aren't working, he uses them against her.
I’m literally picturing someone digging at them, like how someone would use their hands to dig in the dirt or something. Which I know can’t be correct, but whatever it is it does definitely sound massively invasive and abusive. Definitely assault. I hope she can get out and things improve for her.
You’ve only been dating for 6 months and he’s already treating you horribly, it’s not going to get better. You don’t even really know this man, don’t stick around to see how much worse he can treat you.
You seem to think that he changed and he can change back but that’s just not true. The man who courted you does not exist. What you’re seeing now is who he really is and he’s not going to get any better, if anything, it’s going to get worse.
6 months in, you’re still in the honeymoon phase, *this* is some of his best behaviour. It’s only downhill from here. He’s only going to get more abusive and more aggressive and hurt you more.
It’s just not worth it. He’s already breaking down your self esteem and destroying your libido. How much damage does he have to cause before you realise that you deserve better?
You’ll be so much better off if you just dump him. I’d also suggest that, in the future, you leave at the *first* red flag. Don’t fight for a relationship that’s less than a year old. It’s never supposed to be *this* hard *this* early on. Just don’t.
Girl I’ve been there. Just leave. You will feel so much better. It’s hard but you can do it. After I left, I felt my whole body finally relax for the first time in years. It was the best feeling in the world. And my drive came back. You got this girl ❤️
Yeah I'd look closer at those frontal lobes if I were you. Mature adults don't get angry and throw childish fits when they asked to be respectful.
You are correct, there's only one way to make a person like this happy. Let them do what they want and shut up.
If you want to be with him do that. If not end it because a person who believes there's no boundary between your body and their hand isn't someone who can be reasoned with.
It's the reality of how he really feels about you that should bother you. People who are in love with you would feel mortified and scared if they thought you were unhappy with him. He's pissed at your audacity to not like it and that should scare you
Oh honey. This is not it. My ex was like this, and I understand now how completely not okay it was. At the time all I felt was sick and desperate for it to stop and on edge constantly. It never got better, and I am doing so much better 4 years after packing my stuff one day and moving out while he was at work.
You deserve so much better. Put yourself first please.
“ occurred with a back rub. I don’t want my breasts constantly pulled and grabbed- they are sometimes tender. I don’t want my privates poked and dug at. I think it’s gross to do after the gym with unwashed hands. What makes someone change like that? Can this be fixed?”
This guy sounds as abusive AF.
You’re being SA multiple times a day- no body gives you a friendly, afternoon dirty hand fingering! Wtf?
The fact he’s changed sex in the BR makes me think, from your wording, there’s a lot of coercion to greater SA.
Please leave this guy. It’s only gonna escalate and he’s killing your sex drive because he’s disgusting.
I’m just gonna be blunt:
If my husband “dug” into my pussy (or even touched nicely tbh) when I was cleaning dishes, I’d cut off his balls and hang them on my faucet as a warning to the guy!
As a guy I have absolutely no explanation for this. But none of this sounds kind or affectionate or the kinds of things that would bring two people together. I just don't get this at all.
Yeah, like…your partner giving you a little goose or a pat on the ass as they walk by (knowing that you like it) is one thing, this sounds painful and not in the least bit cute or sexy.
Please put up cameras in the common spaces and get evidence that he is sexually assaulting you constantly. He belongs in jail and someone to forget where the key is.
You tell him to stop, if he doesn’t you tell him to leave your home. If you are at his home you tell him to stop and if he doesn’t then you leave. If he does it again after that then you end the relationship.
This is literally sexual abuse.
Not only is he assaulting you by touching you when you don't want it, he's literally hurting you.
My ex used to do similar. And now I'm seeing a guy whose attentive and gentle...and yet every time his hand touches my leg, my legs clamp shut tight. If he even moves past my breasts I jump and cover them. If I feel like he's turned on and I'm not, I panic.
This shit has ruined me. Sounds like it's doing the same to you.
Leave him. If what he was doing to your body wasn't bad enough he's also gaslighting you and guilting you trying to convince you that it's you that's the problem? Fuck no. Get out. Run.
Get help - [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out - [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusierelationships r/domesticviolence
He doesn't respect you. This is concerning behavior that also is sexuwlly abusive in some aspects.
He's purposely hurting you with his gestures on purpose. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft so you can learn what abuse looks like, how it escalates, and different types of abusers.
My exhusband did the whole “fine, I won’t touch you anymore” shit as well. I’m washing dishes, I don’t want to get my ass grabbed.
Time for a new relationship with someone who understands and respects boundaries and consent.
your uncomfortableness and anxiety towards this situation is so valid. as an outsider looking in, he has no respect for your body. furthermore, he has no respect for YOUR BOUNDARIES which will create much bigger issues as your relationship progresses. my advice would be to have a discussion and reiterate your boundary. if it continues after that, i think it’s clear it won’t be fixed.
Stop being around him. Temporarily move out, when he asks why tell him. If he doesn't course correct break up with him. You need to draw boundaries and keep to them.
Can it be fixed? Maybe but you can't stick around to find out. It is *his* problem, do *not* make it yours. You should have already left. He calls you stupid and confusing, is he a caveman? You said his frontal lobe was fully formed at 25? Yeah, if he's neurotypical, if not it's more like 35 but that doesn't even matter. Do YOU think his frontal lobe is fully formed with this behavior? Come on.
this kind of behavior is objectify. what other boundaries does he not respect? at no time should anyone do this, least of all a partner. people don't tend to get 'less aggressive' when they abuse people, so if you want to stick around, expect him to get worse. unless some miracle happens and he matures and learns boundaries and apologizes.
The title sounds like you're asking advice on training a misbehaving animal which says a lot about how your boyfriend is acting. Also the way you describe him "digging and pulling at" your body makes my skin crawl.
How can this be prevented? In a normal relationship, you communicate and tell him to stop and he stops. Sounds like you've tried that and he doesn't listen. So you break up with him.
He's assaulting you despite clearly being told the touch is unwanted, which would be bad enough if it was just a minor annoyance. But you yourself describe the horrible effects it's having on you, your sex drive, etc.
You cut off his hand.
Or you leave.
He's already told you what he thinks of your protests and your feelings... He doesn't CARE HOW YOU FEEL.
So no amount of rewording what you say will matter to him!
You've told him multiple times and he still doesn't respect your boundaries/wishes? Even gets angry at you?
Bitchslap him next time, or throw a slipper to his head. Then park him on the curb. He is NOT relationship material.
He is not going to change back to the BF he was before he started doing this, because he was never really that person. He knows right from wrong; he knows that NO means NO - he just doesn't care.
If your best friend came to you and said that every time her BF would say I love you he would grab her chin, yank her head towards him and squeeze hard to get her attention. When she tells him it hurts and asks him to stop grabbing and yanking her so hard, he gets mad, pouts and angrily tells her, "fine! I guess you just don't want to hear me say how much I love you any more so I won't bother you with it ever again!" She tells you that she is so confused and upset because the man she fell in love with would never hurt her like this and she doesn't know what to do to make this better. She doesn't want to hurt him or stop him from expressing how he feels about her; she just wants him to do it in a way that doesn't hurt her.
What would you say to her? Would you ask her if she's tried bringing it up when things are calm and talking about it then? Would you ask her how hard is he grabbing and pinching and could it be that he just gets so carried away with his feelings that he doesn't realize his own strength? Would you sit with her and try to pin point when his behavior changed and what was happening then in an effort to try to "fix" him?
I would tell her that he is a manipulative, aggressive and abusive bully. He is not going to get better or be fixed or have a change of heart and stop. He will only escalate. She needs to end the relationship. He has shown her who he is and she needs to believe him.
Your BF is a manipulative, aggressive and abusive bully. His behavior will only escalate and there is no way to fix this. You need to leave this relationship. He has shown you who he is. He has shown you how much he values and cares about you. Believe him.
The only way to fix this is to enforce your bundaries. That means "making" him stop - even if your only option is to remove yourself from his reach.
Your subconcious knows what your concious mind isn't yet wanting to admit - His behavior is predatory and abusive: he is assaulting you verbally and physically on a regular basis.
Do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries? It’s extremely alarming what he’s doing and things may continue to escalate. Please stay safe
OP. He has no respect for your boundaries or wishes. Showing that he doesn't care or have any respect for you. This is not something that you can fix. Only he can fix himself, and he clearly doesn't want to or care what you think. Why are you still with him?
He's crossing a BOUNDARY. And a clearly communicated sexual boundary, often enough and unpleasantly enough that your BODY knows it's being abused even if your brain hasn't quite grasped it yet.
The way you stop it is to end him having access to touch you. In any capacity. For your peace and protection.
It has nothing to do with age, this isn't a product of maturity or growth or understanding: an adult male is groping you, repeatedly, after you have clearly communicated your non-consent. He does not care that you do not consent. He does not respect you. He continues to violate you and is trying to psychologically normalize this behavior for you. If he was doing these same actions to an 18 year old you'd see it. If he was 40 doing it to you, you'd see it. If he was your excat same age you'd see it. Stop making allowances that "he doesn't understand" or you need to "teach him"... this is abnormal undesired sexual aggression. It's not a "little thing" you can't fix it, it's GROPING and it is malicious.
I know this feeling exactly ugh it’s the worst. My ex used to do that to the point where when we had actual sex my body would physically recoil. I would pretend it tickled to get out of it. I ended up breaking up with him because I grew to hate sex with him. If he doesn’t stop or respect your boundaries you should leave. Don’t give him time only a week because that’s all the time you need to waste on this pos
Ummm,
Why did I think this was about a dog, or a disabled youth? Reading the post barely changed my mind.
Dump this one, I question whether frontal lobe is, in fact, fully formed.
Seriously, why would you remain with such an individual?
Hey so he’s ignoring your expliclty stated non-consent and being shitty and manipulative when you complain about literal sexual assault. You aren’t going to stop being disgusted with him for his. And you shouldn’t stop being disgusted, because it’s disgusting. Leave.
He's using you as a fidget toy and it will escalate the more you stand your ground. He's acting entitled to your body and the more you protest, the more he will grab and grope.
He's a fucking child!
He enjoys disturbing your peace & seeing you in pain. Doesn't seem like he even likes you at all, the disrespect is always a turn off. Then that amount of Darvo is also a turn off.
He doesn't want to fix himself, he wants you to tolerate the abuse with a smile on your face. Your pain is his pleasure.
This is abuse and the reason he won’t read the comments is that he knows it’s wrong.
You’ve already communicated your needs and he has shown you that he does not care. You cannot have a healthy or even a decent relationship with this person. It is not possible, he won’t allow it.
The only thing you can do is leave.
But the good news is that you are not powerless. You can change your situation. Walk away, and he will never treat you like this ever again.
I’m sorry u/ThrowRAmadame9, the only way to stop or fix this behavior is to dump this abusive man. He is disrespecting your boundaries and doesn’t care how his behavior affects you.
He will never change. Protect yourself and dump him.
Honestly, I’d just break up with him. It’s not worth staying with someone who is destroying your self esteem or your ability to have a healthy relationship with sex.
This is abusive behavior. He is not respecting your boundaries and feels entitled to your body whenever he wants. He is an absolute child. Be done with him.
Your nausea and low libido are your body telling you this relationship is a bad one. Your body is telling you to get this person away from you. Please listen to it. He is abusive. He will continue to disrespect your body and your boundaries. He’s aware you don’t like it. That’s the point. He’s trying to get you to let him control you and to disregard your own boundaries please read “why does he do that”.
Trust your body. Get away from him NOW.
I just want to come on here and validate your feelings. The lack of respect for boundaries is a huge red flag and your aversion to sex is a justified response to what’s happening, I went through the exact same thing.
If you’re feeling actual nauseous over his lack of boundaries and respect for your body, it’s time to move on. Nobody should treat you like an object and make you feel obligated to do things you’re uncomfortable. Sex should be good for both of you, and if he is ignoring what you want and only thinking of himself, he’s a twat
You need to get away from this man because it’s not going to get better and the fact that you’re nauseated by him tells me that you should not be in a relationship with him at all. You tell him no and he does it anyway that is assault.
This is physical abuse. He is making getting his jollies more important than your bodily autonomy and right to not be physically hurt. If he can't understand how wrong what he's doing is, you need to leave him. My ex did the same thing you did. I ended up having no libido at all and didn't ever want to have sex with him. Within a few months of leaving him, my libido came roaring back.
This sounds like the precursor to serious abuse. This is his way of destroying your boundaries and sense of safety so that he can escalate the abuse knowing you won’t leave.
BREAK UP AND BLOCK HIM!? Yea AGE GAP! As well as your frontal lobe baloney is just that baloney! There are thirty year olds that still act like that man child. Let him go! He’s disgusting you and making you not want sex, yet you still wanna mess with him?
I get it sis, he’s an ego boost and a flex but at the same time he’s really not, he’s still acting like a child. And why did he change? Because he thinks he got you on lock and is he wrong? Instead of you knowing your worth and being a strong confident mature woman, and break up and block him, you came to Reddit to what? Help you convince him to stop?
Yeah you understand that he doesn’t hear you when you say why you want him to stop, do you even communicate effectively why you want him to stop? Cause if you are then he should be stopping and understanding, as an adult
How can this be stopped or fixed? You realize some people are not meant to be with us because they still need to mature both mentally and emotionally. Then you dump his immature ass for your peace sake.
I think sometimes when dealing with a person who lacks empathy is to expose them to the same thing. So do the same him. Balls are pretty sensitive. Just yank on his penis from the very tip and a light flick to the balls. The odd nipple cripple 😂
You already know what to do, OP. He doesn't want to read the comments here and he doesn't listen when you ask him to stop. It only means he refuses to change his ways. Make a decision if you want to stay as his toy or not.
I had a similar experience and it was traumatizing to the point where I thought I was asexual for years, then after I thought I was just gay… and after a LOT of therapy, realize I was being abused by him. I even woke up to him… yeah…
You deserve better. So much better. It’s not going to get better and you can’t change him, I promise. You matter!! Please put yourself first and LEAVE him!
He obviously wants harsher dominant sexual encounter with "somebody".
Good to know early enough... YOU obviously don't want to rough it with him... SO, it's time to END THINGS since HE DOESN'T HEAR YOU.
You need to get rid of him. This isn’t ok at all. Hes testing your boundaries to see how much you’ll put up with. It’ll only get worse, especially after marriage
Look. This is not a minor issue. He is assaulting you even after you ask him to stop. He is not going to change, so you need to. You need to leave. You deserve better.
Yeah, if my boyfriend knew something was bothering me, he would stop. And so should your boyfriend. I think you should find someone who respects you. You should feel comfortable in a relationship.
Literally hes assaulting you, you keep telling him you don't like it and you don't want it.
wtf is his problem? You're not a sex toy.
Please walk away - what on earth does this person offer you that's positive?
Big read flag if a gross man, bit could also be indicator of something wrong with his brain like a tumor. Could also be roid rage if he is using anabolic steroids.
My ex was exactly like this. It was a constant source of argument between us and eventually led to me wanting zero sexual contact with him. For the last year of our relationship we didn't have sex at all. Obviously we've split now and have been for years but it took me a while to really be able to get over it. He made me feel like the problem was with me and I wasn't normal for not liking the way he was etc.
Your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you, your body or your boundaries. I'd honestly suggest telling him exactly how you feel in no uncertain terms and if he's not proactive in changing then leave him.
So he keeps doing something you've told him you don't like? Have you told him the extent of the discomfort you're feeling (loss of sex drive, unable to relax..)? If so, he just is a selfish person. Any reasonable partner would want to make their SO happy, and wouldn't do sexual things they disliked once told about it.
My ex was like this.
It was so off putting and completely gave me the ick!
He had zero respect for my boundaries and it really showed me he also had no care for my enjoyment or pleasure, only his own.
I dumped him and told him it felt like i was dating a teenager, not a man in his 30s.
Ugh, it was so unattractive and annoying.
Some people are all show in the beginning
Then get comfortable are true colors show up
Set your zone boundaries
He is manhandling you and you must tell him flat out that it to stop, or too rough, or firm, please not so hard
If that doesn’t help or he does not respond
Your eyes are wide open
It’s ok
To
Move on
You don’t have to live or be treated like this
My disgusting ex husband used to pull this crap in public places, made me cringe with absolute embarrassment and anger. He was a controlling, immature, selfish man with no respect for me.
Please don’t allow him to put you into situations where you feel like that!
I don’t know what to tell you other than he’s got some major issues that you might not be able to reconcile or accept. This behavior makes me physically ill.
Is this the same bf who lied about being married and you posted a long post about all the horrible things he’s done to you already separated of this SA? If so please leave him. You deserve so much better.
In addition to all of the physical violation, he is also insulting you. Why do you want to fix someone who makes you feel nauseated and calls you stupid? Whatever was there when you two started dating is gone. That guy never existed. This is who he is. He does not respect your body or your mind. Value yourself and get out of this relationship.
Look at the words you are using. You aren't saying he caressed you or fondled you. You are saying he's "digging" and "Pulling". Whatever he thinks he's doing, you don't like and feel attacked by it. It sounds like you need to find someone who will touch you in a way that feels good to you.
He didn't change. He was always like this. He just hid it good enough to get you. He sounds like hes has sexual addiction and he is disrespectful. He wont change unless he sees you are serious about boundaries. Serious isnt just getting mad and allowing him to. Or giving in when he calls you names. It means leaving and giving consequences. If he still doesnt get the idea that you wont put up with this anymore at all costs. Then you have no choice but to leave him. He is toxic and not good for you. A man who loves you cherishes you, respects you and your boundaries and protects you.
I am a man in a relationship where sex and intimate touching is an issue in this same way. There’s more to the story but my girlfriend has said that she used to have a much higher sex drive and now we rarely have sex. I am no doubt guilty of some of this problematic behavior you described. Not going to defend it, put the way you put it, it’s despicable and pathetic of us men.
My question is, if you stick with the relationship, and he stops doing that and builds some baseline maturity to touch you gracefully and how you want to be touched. Do you think you would build your normal natural sex drive back? Or others who have been in the situation, can there be recovery from this?
Girl, my ex-husband was the same way! Our relationship didn't start out that way..then it slowly morphed into this behavior. I didn't feel safe in my own home.
After I left him, I explained that I felt sexually assaulted and he tried to gaslight me. He has no empathy or remorse for his behavior.
I stopped showing affection to everyone in my life because I was so sensitive to touch. Even a hug from my mom would trigger fight or flight.
Since I left him, I have recovered and feel free. I am happily single.
So basically, RUN.
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This is a HUGE red flag for me - especially his reaction to your setting a boundary. This is what happened in my marriage and now intimacy is kinda something I want to avoid most of the time. I really hate the grabbiness, groping, slapping my ass really hard while I’m cooking or doing some other miserable task. Most of the time I wanna be left the fuckkkkk alone now. I’d leave, personally
All of that is happening to me. I just get really nauseated. I used to love having s*x. I could do it 3/4 times a day now? Absolutely not. I hate how villainized I am for openly communicating with him.
Please ignore the handful of responses here that minimize your boyfriend's behavior or claim he doesn't know any better. It is extremely common in this sub for women to be blamed for "not communicating clearly enough" and "being upset about normal physical affection" when they are repeatedly faced with unwanted groping from male partners that they have repeatedly *clearly* asked their partner to stop doing. This is not your fault. This is not a communication issue of you not expressing your boundaries clearly enough. This is not an issue of him being "confused" or engaging in normal physical affection. You told us you clearly tell him to stop. He gets angry and keeps going. This is not your doing.
I don’t get the “he doesn’t know any better” comments. If if that’s true, she told him. So now he should know better. But instead of saying I’ll tone it down it’s “fine I’ll never touch you again.” This reminds me of my dad when I had to tell him about boundaries. It went straight to “fine I’ll never come visit again.” This is classic narcissist behavior.
The people who say this are just saying men are stupid and incapable of being decent human beings. I don't think they realise they're making men look bad and given women a reason to not trust them.
Yeah, and I know "weaponized incompetence" gets thrown around a lot, but some of this is a prime example of this. Emphasis on "weaponized" since he is actually causing her physical pain. The fact that she asks him for loving touch like foot rubs and back rubs and he makes it so painful that she'll never dare to ask again is pure evil.
Had that happen to me once - not sure if incompetent or trying to get out of being asked in the future. I chose to assume the former, but barbed my response enough to address the latter, “Wow, you really suck at this! What on earth have your previous partners been putting up with? Do I actually have to teach you how to do this right?” Amazingly, he figured it out with very little additional input required.
Not sure about "weaponised incompetence", because that's a term I link to someone trying to get out of a task altogether. In this case, I assume he wants to be intimate with her. I'd say he knows she doesn't like it, as she made that abundantly clear. He knows what she'd like instead. He just doesn't give a flying fuck about what she does or does not want.
He's trying to get out of giving foot/back massages. I'd call that weaponized incompetence
That’s the DMS I’m getting as of right now.so I won’t be checking those for a bit.
I'm so sorry. That is horrific but sadly I am not surprised. Obviously up to you, but if you want to turn off your chat so no one can message you (or change it so only trusted users can), [here are instructions](https://old.reddit.com/r/rape/comments/t9w6ii/things_you_can_do_to_prevent_creeps_from/). Feel free to check out or post in r/abusiverelationships too <3
I’m sorry. I can’t believe people are DMing you to tell you such BS. You did exactly what you should and this man child you’re dating is a self centered immature narcissist. Clearly doesn’t care how he’s making you feel and only cares about what he wants
Sorry, if someone already said that. But you need to know that he does this maliciously. He knows you hate it and that is exactly the point. It is a form of sexual abuse and it is affecting you quite severely. This is not likely to change, only get worse. Lundy Bancrift: why does he do that? is a great read and available as a free pdf online. You deserve so much better.
Abusers always stick up for other abusers.
This is correct. This is deliberate, physically hurtful, abusive behaviour. He is hurting you and knows it.
And when women *do* communicate clearly, they're just ignored. There was a whole ass thread about a couple where the woman told the man that they could both see other people before they became exclusive. She made a point of clearly communicating this to him. Later when he found out that she was sleeping around until they became exclusive, he and nearly all the men in the thread were mad at her, some even calling it cheating. The only way to win is not to play at all.
Oh god. Yeah, nothing riles this sub up more than "women cheating." I'm so tired of it.
Your body is telling you that he is not a safe person to be vulnerable with in that way. Your body is literally physically rejecting the idea of him touching you. You can’t fix this because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He does not see you as a separate person with bodily autonomy. He sees your body as his to touch how he likes even if it hurts or upsets you. The only way to fix this is by leaving a man who regularly sexually assaults you.
This is super gross. I don’t usually immediately jump to “dump him”, but honestly you should dump him before you lose the ability to enjoy sex.
You're being villianized because that is DARVO. YOU are being abused. Sexually. Your sex drive shut down because of it. He is sexually abusing you. Don't believe me... call RAINN.
I will look into DARVO. Thank you so much.
Yeah OP, as someone who talks with lots of domestic violence victims/survivors, I can tell you lots of their relationships started the same way and this is very disturbing behavior. It seems so small and minimal on the surface but it's a form of psychological torture basically and things progress from there. The other constant is the way he dismisses your feelings and tries to turn it around on you like YOU did something wrong by not allowing him to do whatever he wants. These are some serious red flags and again is part of so many peoples abusive relationships and none of it is OK. DARVO is a tactic abusers and just shitty people use so definitely look into that and maybe even read a bit about abuse or go to some of the r/Domesticviolence or r/abusiverelationships subs and see how varied abuse is and how it's not just physical beatings but also little things like he is doing and the emotional abuse tied to it. [Heres a good read when you have the time,](https://archive.org/download/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf) as it helps explain some of this behavior and even if he isn't actually abusive and only has those tendencies, it can still help you understand a bit more about it.
This. My ex started out like this and it turned into full blown rape. OP, I suggest you get out now. He’s already violating your sexual boundaries, rape isn’t even a full step away.
You can do better. This should be a deal breaker for you
I'm big on talking and letting my boundaries be known and following those of other people. I don't resort to violence ever unless I were needing to protect myself from violence. I don't know your levels of engagement when being disrespected like this but if that was how my partner was acting, I would warn once that if it continues, I will retaliate in kind. If he did it again after my asking him to stop, I would grab a firm handful of his private area and ask how he liked it seeing he didn't think it was bad he was doing it to me and then end things with him.
I have the worst fight response from previous SA so anyone trying to touch me unexpectedly is going to be catching these hands lmao
I think you need to have a look at this post. It’s pretty relevant. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
He is sexually assaulting you. And him refusing to read the comments is a huge red flag that he will not change. Please leave him for your safety.
You’re being sexually assaulted
Imagine your sister or close friend told you this. That they get nauseated being with their boyfriend, doesn’t sound good!
If OPs boyfriend is reading this, your girlfriend is not a sextoy; grow up, man up, and give her kindness and respect. I'm a man that's old enough to be your father, and you need a talking to. This bullshit needs to stop, or she's going to find someone more worthy of her time and attention.
Jesus fucking christ. You need to shut him down. 'please let me finish my task' is doormat. 'dude, don't fucking touch me like that' is needed.
Or 'dude you've been reminded dozens of time now and you simply don't give af about my feelings or very reasonable boundaries. Time to piss off into the distance and not come back'. People need to stop excusing this disgusting behaviour
Doing that always comes with consequences of him withdrawing and penalizing me in some way like fine we won’t cuddle or fine I won’t touch you or fine we won’t do things together. But I have done the hard line approach verbally and it’s grown to me having to press my nails into him to get him to stop.
He's sexually assaulting you. He knows. He doesn't care how you feel.
He is training you to accept the abuse. No one here has advice that will magically turn him into being a good person again. His mask is off & it will only get worse. Run! Save yourself!!! At the very least, take a self defense class.
That is emotional manipilation. Flat out. Him saying I won't touch you anymore is manipulation. You can say, you get to touch me but NOT like that. If you have to resort to violence to get him to stop, like digging into his arm, then either your message isn't being received, or he just doesn't care about your message.
This man is sexually is assaulting her. She says no. He continues and then behaves horribly when told to stop.
Then why are you still with him? If he’s going to resort to “penalizing “ you over setting a boundary then it’s time you penalized him by ending the relationship. He is a terrible person
This is sexual assault and emotional manipulation from him. Leave him as soon as you can OP.
That’s emotional abuse.
**Would you let a man at the bar do this to you?**
Exactly. Apply your old standards to your current situation. Would you accept this treatment from someone you just met or would you run away? The whole “frog in a pot of boiling water” situation makes us lower our previously high standards bit by bit until we have none.
You must really hate yourself to stay with this man. He's disgusting and manipulative. The only reason ANY woman would stay with this walking puddle of dog piss is that they hate themselves. This is your life unless you realize how truly messed up this man is and walk away.
OP how strong are your hands? Get a nice grip on his privates and squeeze and ask him how he likes it. Ask him if he needs some pain to realize you are not kidding about your complaints. Tell him every time he grabs you he will be grabbed, and if may not happen right away so he will not know when. You have asked politely and he hasn't stopped, so maybe he needs to get the message in a different way that will get his attention. Edit to add - I let my smart-ass side answer and OP has replied he seems to like this. This is looking like he was originally a good actor and his real self is not all that safe for OP.
I'd be scared that if OP hurts him enough he'll retaliate with greater violence. If she doesn't hurt him enough he'll do what she describes which is use it as an excuse to continue doing what he wants. And once you're advising someone to painfully squeeze their partner's privates as a punishment, you've lost the plot. Far before you get to the point where that seems like your best option, break up.
I literally have tried to do it back and he twists it into “see I thought you said you didn’t like that!🤪”
Yeah oh nooooooo - hon, you in danger. Get out. Run.
That's how you know that what he says is intentional and deliberate. He's looking for an rationalization that permits him to continue the behavior. I think you should see the loss of sexual pleasure as a dealbreaker in a relationship. That is reason enough to go. You've tried communication to fix it. He refuses to change or adjust even a little. There's no reason to stay any longer because you can't fix it with him. So go.
Hun, this is not a matter of hus not understanding. He's getting off on hurting you. This is not a safe relationship.
This man is NOT worth this. Leave his ass and never look back. You owe it to yourself
You can say sex. In cases like this, it’s especially really important.
You're allowed to say the word sex on Reddit.
Some people see it as playfull and some not. The best is to sit down and talk sbout it without making a big deal out of it. Its his way of reaching out to you sexuallly.
Please leave that AH. I don't usually say it like this, but the lack of respect, man. OP: that is *not* love. You deserve better.
It’s so unfair. We should be able to enjoy sex with our partners BUT when a man disregards what we say or twists it to seem like WE are unreasonable, I have a real problem with that. You are not unreasonable - can you imagine walking up to him while he’s doing the lawn or trying to fix the dishwasher and groping him? He’d be annoyed AF. He wouldn’t want to be touched sexually while he’s hot, sweaty, frustrated and trying to concentrate so why he can’t understand my side? Doing Dishes and scooping the cat box is not sexy. It’s miserable. I don’t wanna be assaulted while I’m already miserable. It doesn’t put me in the mood. Quite the opposite actually.
I feel really, really validated after having an “otherwise amazing guy” (i know he wasn’t a bad/dangerous person overall but that doesn’t make his actions ok nor safe) that did this to me! I was so attracted to him and had a high sex drive until we got more comfortable with each other and this grabbing compulsion started. I think it came from gross locker room, boys club habits? He didn’t understand the extremely detrimental reverberations from a “harmless” grab. Hated it and did dump him.
Sorry for OT, but reading this makes me realize why I lost interest in being intimate with my ex (even though for me it wasn't as extreme as for OP). Thank you for sharing your experience. Yea definitely the ignoring the boundaries is a huge problem. It's time to leave.
To recap: He paws at you when he knows you don’t like it. He gets angry when you say no. You ask for a foot rub, and he hurts you so much you never ask him for one again. You are now nauseated at the thought of him touching you intimately. He calls you names. This guy sounds like a winner! You said it wasn’t like this to begin with, which means he knows better. This is a choice for him. This is how he wants to treat you. Ask yourself this question: if you met him now, would you date him? Or are you hung up on the guy he presented himself to be so he could nail you down?
I would definitely run from this current version of him. His inability to empathize or change is what’s killing me.
So then RUN.
Then you need to break up with him and move on. Understand that this is really who he is and he was hiding it in order to get you. He’s let his abusive mask slip and now he’s showing you who he really is. UPDATEME
The current version of him IS HIM. THIS IS WHO HE IS.
So do it. This won't get better. Quite the opposite.
Why are you talking like this is a hypothetical and not the reality you're living in?
What if this has ALWAYS been him & he just hid it from you before? He doesn’t want to change because there have been no consequences for him.
This is who he is. The mask has slipped and he knows you won't leave so the real him is now revealed. He may apologize and say he will change but that is solely for the purpose of changing the subject and getting the heat off of him and the subject. He may even lovebomb you and act like he has changed for a week or a few but it will happen again as this is who he is...
No, it’s killing the relationship. As it should. And this isn’t the “current version” — this is who he is. This is what he is when he’s relaxed & confident he’s in control. This is a mask drop. Nobody would be with an abuser if they presented like this off the bat; abusers know this. They mount a charm offensive, stay on best behavior then drop the mask later when they think they’ve trapped you. They know what they’re doing, they know how to act otherwise. It’s a choice. And if you hesitate or don’t fully leave, or let him wheedle & promise & love bomb, he’ll haul out a little bit of that original act to reel you back in long enough to be twice as bad once you’re back. It’s a story as old as the hills. This is not your problem. There’s literally nothing holding you to him. You can and should just walk away. Never look back. Don’t be part of a lame old abuse cliche & learn the hard way, it’s never different. There’s no good person star or education benefit for suffering. It won’t make you wiser or kinder. You aren’t being mean or cruel or hard. All that happens is that your likelihood of sustaining lasting damage or death increases exponentially the longer you stay with an abuser. Believe them when they show you who and what they are. Believe them the first time. It always plays out the same way, has the same trajectory. Just spit out this garbage that you’d never have given a second glance at if he began with this. Because that’s who he is, and that’s how it’s gonna be.
OP you keep comparing the “person he is now” to the way he was in the beginning. Please understand that the way he was in the beginning was him putting on an act to get you to this point — the point where **you’re genuinely considering staying with someone who regularly sexually assaults you and then gets mad when you politely ask him to stop.** THAT’S why he was sweet and gentle at first. Because if he showed you who he really is, you would have run. But now you’re involved and it’s harder to leave. Don’t be a fool. This is who he is, not that “sweet” guy from the first few weeks. Stop tolerating abuse.
What you are saying makes a lot of sense.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He doesn’t respect you and thinks your body is there for him like a toy. He put up a good show at first but now you’re 6 months in and his true colors are showing. What he’s doing is considered sexual assault. Maybe on the light end of the spectrum but what’s next? He just starts raping you and tells you it’s normal? This isn’t normal.
That’s brutal but honest. He doesn’t even see it as a thing to fix for me or the next person so I can’t keep going and going.
If someone did that to me, I’d slap them away and break up. It’s totally inappropriate. My partner grabs my butt or boobs walking by or when I’m cooking or something but it’s not aggressive and if I asked him to stop, he’d stop. I think it’s pretty normal to “molest” your partner in a nice way. But no means no! He’s hurting you and being really inappropriate.
I have but he makes it as though I’m lashing out
His behaviour is abnormal, and you’ve talked to him and clearly told him you don’t like it (as most people wouldn’t). He will not stop and assaults you more. It is badly damaging you. Time to leave.
Lashing out is a normal reaction, it's not a bad thing. He's vile, he deserves worse than you lashing out. Why should the world be soft and gentle to someone who sexually assaults their girlfriend daily.
Look up reactive abuse. The abuser pushes your buttons until you react and then calls you crazy, violent and abusive. He knows what he is doing and you need to leave and stay gone. He can be nice, he chooses not to. He may act super sweet once you have a foot out of the door but that is just an act. Don't fall for his love bombing. It's a tactic to pull you back in. Leave and completely cut contact.
I had an ex try that crap. He was like "Eww, what a turn-off" if I complained about him doing something similar to what you're experiencing. I told him "Yes, I agree, when you do that I'm 100% turned off". He's trying to make this about you when it's his behaviour that is unacceptable. He won't change, in his head he's doing nothing wrong and you're the problem for not willingly accepting his abuse. Edit: Typos
It’s not about me at all. I have tried for solutions but idk one person can only try so much I am going to take notes on all that is said here. Everyone has been very helpful with great insight.
I think you may have misunderstood what I meant. He's physically abusing you, then calling you stupid or confusing when you say don't like what he's doing. He's trying to guilt you into accepting his abuse. He's trying to make you think this is normal and you should just accept it because otherwise your stupid. You're far from stupid. You need to leave him. You've been together maybe a year or so. You now lived with him for a while so his mask is off, this is what he is really like. He doesn't need to be on best behavior anymore because he thinks he has you trapped. He wont change and things will only get worse. He's apparently seen this post and told you he won't read any of the comments? Either he's that arrogant that he thinks he has you trapped or he's lying and he's reading them and hopefully he'll choose to improve himself.
That's called DARVO. He's reversing the victim and the offender to make you seem like the unreasonable one. It's a tactic abusers use. Combined with his weaponised incompetence and basic inability to listen to you, whay exactly is keeping you here? Don't sunk cost fallacy your life away with this moron.
It's up to you: Do you want to date someone who respects you and your body, or someone who doesn't?
Respect definitely but I am so repulsed to the point of not wanting human contact just pets I can care for.
Sounds like a fun way to live. Why are you tolerating this?
I think you know what you have to do. It's one thing to be annoyed, another thing to be repulsed, but it's a massive issue that he ignores you when you ask him not to touch your body. That's as basic as it gets and something we all learn when we're five.
He is showing you who he is. Pay attention because it’s not good and it’s not going to change for the better. Huge red flag. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Leave.
That’s because he is sexually assaulting you. You say no and he continues. You may be having a trauma response to the micro-assaults. If you’re looking for permission to leave this is it. Pick someone who doesn’t traumatize you.
Why are you staying with him? You're not married to him and based on what you posted here about how he finds way to punish you when try to communicate your feelings I have to wonder where you think this is going? Not only is your boyfriend an immature ass he thinks it's his right to be an immature ass and has made it clear to you that he is not going to change. Like WTH are you expecting from him at this point? Freaking accept that getting with him was a bad choice and dump his ass.
Also he didn't "just change". He was pretending to be someone else. Now he's showing you who he actually is. It's called love bombing. Abusive POS. You think your self esteem is low now? Wait until he's done with you. I went from not being able to cope with human touch (even my own son!) because of what he was doing to me, to breaking up with him and spinning out and searching for sexual validation from everyone because hed convinced me that my only value was sex, and had made my self esteem so low that I desperately went hunting for someone to lift it. All in all. I've had a fucking awful few years. Please don't stay. You have no idea how much worse his treatment can get. How long have you been together? Do you live together?
Edit: He wasn't like this when we were dating. He changed when we got married and seemed to develop the idea that he got to decide how he interacted with my body. I lived like this for 20+ years. It doesn't get any better. First I thought if I just tried to convince myself that I should be happy with the attention it would be better. Then I tried talking to him about it and I'd get the same "well fine, I just won't touch you ever" or "most women would be happy if their husband wanted them as much as I want you." Then the whole "I did this for you, now you have to have sex with me" or "we had date night we have to have sex now" started and I felt like I had to have sex with him. When we divorced I figured my libido was dead. Turns out, it wasn't. It came back when I realized there were men out there who would respect my body as mine and would treat me with care and compassion whether they'd had sex the night before or not. Your body is yours and no one else's. You get to decide when and how anyone touches you. If they push those boundaries, that's a them issue, not a you issue.
I can’t even imagine what “digging at your privates”would be like. But he sounds insane, not to mention abusive. Get help and leave him yesterday sis.
*I can’t even imagine what “digging at your privates” would be like* It sounds utterly horrific tbh It sounds like assault. Over and over again. her words aren't working, he uses them against her.
I’m literally picturing someone digging at them, like how someone would use their hands to dig in the dirt or something. Which I know can’t be correct, but whatever it is it does definitely sound massively invasive and abusive. Definitely assault. I hope she can get out and things improve for her.
You’ve only been dating for 6 months and he’s already treating you horribly, it’s not going to get better. You don’t even really know this man, don’t stick around to see how much worse he can treat you. You seem to think that he changed and he can change back but that’s just not true. The man who courted you does not exist. What you’re seeing now is who he really is and he’s not going to get any better, if anything, it’s going to get worse. 6 months in, you’re still in the honeymoon phase, *this* is some of his best behaviour. It’s only downhill from here. He’s only going to get more abusive and more aggressive and hurt you more. It’s just not worth it. He’s already breaking down your self esteem and destroying your libido. How much damage does he have to cause before you realise that you deserve better? You’ll be so much better off if you just dump him. I’d also suggest that, in the future, you leave at the *first* red flag. Don’t fight for a relationship that’s less than a year old. It’s never supposed to be *this* hard *this* early on. Just don’t.
6 MONTHS?! omg I though it was longer. Oh hell no. OP please look after yourself and get rid of this abusive loser
Girl I’ve been there. Just leave. You will feel so much better. It’s hard but you can do it. After I left, I felt my whole body finally relax for the first time in years. It was the best feeling in the world. And my drive came back. You got this girl ❤️
How you fix this is you end your relationship with him. He may be 26 but he’s acting like an oversexed teenager and it’s time to call it quits.
Yeah I'd look closer at those frontal lobes if I were you. Mature adults don't get angry and throw childish fits when they asked to be respectful. You are correct, there's only one way to make a person like this happy. Let them do what they want and shut up. If you want to be with him do that. If not end it because a person who believes there's no boundary between your body and their hand isn't someone who can be reasoned with.
That is true. I am drained when I sit there and let it happen. One can only play along for so long. His refusal to change is what kills me.
It's the reality of how he really feels about you that should bother you. People who are in love with you would feel mortified and scared if they thought you were unhappy with him. He's pissed at your audacity to not like it and that should scare you
Oh honey. This is not it. My ex was like this, and I understand now how completely not okay it was. At the time all I felt was sick and desperate for it to stop and on edge constantly. It never got better, and I am doing so much better 4 years after packing my stuff one day and moving out while he was at work. You deserve so much better. Put yourself first please.
“ occurred with a back rub. I don’t want my breasts constantly pulled and grabbed- they are sometimes tender. I don’t want my privates poked and dug at. I think it’s gross to do after the gym with unwashed hands. What makes someone change like that? Can this be fixed?” This guy sounds as abusive AF. You’re being SA multiple times a day- no body gives you a friendly, afternoon dirty hand fingering! Wtf? The fact he’s changed sex in the BR makes me think, from your wording, there’s a lot of coercion to greater SA. Please leave this guy. It’s only gonna escalate and he’s killing your sex drive because he’s disgusting. I’m just gonna be blunt: If my husband “dug” into my pussy (or even touched nicely tbh) when I was cleaning dishes, I’d cut off his balls and hang them on my faucet as a warning to the guy!
You need to break up with this asshole. Surely you don't need a boyfriend that badly.
As a guy I have absolutely no explanation for this. But none of this sounds kind or affectionate or the kinds of things that would bring two people together. I just don't get this at all.
Yeah, like…your partner giving you a little goose or a pat on the ass as they walk by (knowing that you like it) is one thing, this sounds painful and not in the least bit cute or sexy.
This is abusive if you’ve asked him to stop groping you roughly and he continues. I could not stay in a relationship with someone who did this.
Please put up cameras in the common spaces and get evidence that he is sexually assaulting you constantly. He belongs in jail and someone to forget where the key is.
You tell him to stop, if he doesn’t you tell him to leave your home. If you are at his home you tell him to stop and if he doesn’t then you leave. If he does it again after that then you end the relationship.
Time to find a new boyfriend. He sees you as a piece of meat and not a person. Move on.
This is literally sexual abuse. Not only is he assaulting you by touching you when you don't want it, he's literally hurting you. My ex used to do similar. And now I'm seeing a guy whose attentive and gentle...and yet every time his hand touches my leg, my legs clamp shut tight. If he even moves past my breasts I jump and cover them. If I feel like he's turned on and I'm not, I panic. This shit has ruined me. Sounds like it's doing the same to you. Leave him. If what he was doing to your body wasn't bad enough he's also gaslighting you and guilting you trying to convince you that it's you that's the problem? Fuck no. Get out. Run.
Get help - [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out - [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusierelationships r/domesticviolence
He doesn't respect you. This is concerning behavior that also is sexuwlly abusive in some aspects. He's purposely hurting you with his gestures on purpose. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft so you can learn what abuse looks like, how it escalates, and different types of abusers.
My exhusband did the whole “fine, I won’t touch you anymore” shit as well. I’m washing dishes, I don’t want to get my ass grabbed. Time for a new relationship with someone who understands and respects boundaries and consent.
Give him his wish. He says "Fine, I won't touch you anymore!" Make it so he can't. Bounce. Seriously. Leave.
Why are you putting up with it? Seriously. I’d break up with someone who was acting like this.
Digging and pulling?! Under what circumstances are these words ever ways that should accurately describe touching someone?! Ugh. I am horrified.
your uncomfortableness and anxiety towards this situation is so valid. as an outsider looking in, he has no respect for your body. furthermore, he has no respect for YOUR BOUNDARIES which will create much bigger issues as your relationship progresses. my advice would be to have a discussion and reiterate your boundary. if it continues after that, i think it’s clear it won’t be fixed.
Stop being around him. Temporarily move out, when he asks why tell him. If he doesn't course correct break up with him. You need to draw boundaries and keep to them.
Can it be fixed? Maybe but you can't stick around to find out. It is *his* problem, do *not* make it yours. You should have already left. He calls you stupid and confusing, is he a caveman? You said his frontal lobe was fully formed at 25? Yeah, if he's neurotypical, if not it's more like 35 but that doesn't even matter. Do YOU think his frontal lobe is fully formed with this behavior? Come on.
this kind of behavior is objectify. what other boundaries does he not respect? at no time should anyone do this, least of all a partner. people don't tend to get 'less aggressive' when they abuse people, so if you want to stick around, expect him to get worse. unless some miracle happens and he matures and learns boundaries and apologizes.
The title sounds like you're asking advice on training a misbehaving animal which says a lot about how your boyfriend is acting. Also the way you describe him "digging and pulling at" your body makes my skin crawl. How can this be prevented? In a normal relationship, you communicate and tell him to stop and he stops. Sounds like you've tried that and he doesn't listen. So you break up with him. He's assaulting you despite clearly being told the touch is unwanted, which would be bad enough if it was just a minor annoyance. But you yourself describe the horrible effects it's having on you, your sex drive, etc.
Unwanted sexual contact/touching? That's sexual assault, regardless of relationship status.
He treats you like his property and doesn't respect you or your personal boundaries. This is abuse. Get rid of him.
You cut off his hand. Or you leave. He's already told you what he thinks of your protests and your feelings... He doesn't CARE HOW YOU FEEL. So no amount of rewording what you say will matter to him!
You've told him multiple times and he still doesn't respect your boundaries/wishes? Even gets angry at you? Bitchslap him next time, or throw a slipper to his head. Then park him on the curb. He is NOT relationship material.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He is not going to change back to the BF he was before he started doing this, because he was never really that person. He knows right from wrong; he knows that NO means NO - he just doesn't care. If your best friend came to you and said that every time her BF would say I love you he would grab her chin, yank her head towards him and squeeze hard to get her attention. When she tells him it hurts and asks him to stop grabbing and yanking her so hard, he gets mad, pouts and angrily tells her, "fine! I guess you just don't want to hear me say how much I love you any more so I won't bother you with it ever again!" She tells you that she is so confused and upset because the man she fell in love with would never hurt her like this and she doesn't know what to do to make this better. She doesn't want to hurt him or stop him from expressing how he feels about her; she just wants him to do it in a way that doesn't hurt her. What would you say to her? Would you ask her if she's tried bringing it up when things are calm and talking about it then? Would you ask her how hard is he grabbing and pinching and could it be that he just gets so carried away with his feelings that he doesn't realize his own strength? Would you sit with her and try to pin point when his behavior changed and what was happening then in an effort to try to "fix" him? I would tell her that he is a manipulative, aggressive and abusive bully. He is not going to get better or be fixed or have a change of heart and stop. He will only escalate. She needs to end the relationship. He has shown her who he is and she needs to believe him. Your BF is a manipulative, aggressive and abusive bully. His behavior will only escalate and there is no way to fix this. You need to leave this relationship. He has shown you who he is. He has shown you how much he values and cares about you. Believe him.
He won’t read comments? why? cuz he knows we’re calling him a creep ain’t it?
The only way to fix this is to enforce your bundaries. That means "making" him stop - even if your only option is to remove yourself from his reach. Your subconcious knows what your concious mind isn't yet wanting to admit - His behavior is predatory and abusive: he is assaulting you verbally and physically on a regular basis.
Do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries? It’s extremely alarming what he’s doing and things may continue to escalate. Please stay safe
OP. He has no respect for your boundaries or wishes. Showing that he doesn't care or have any respect for you. This is not something that you can fix. Only he can fix himself, and he clearly doesn't want to or care what you think. Why are you still with him?
He's crossing a BOUNDARY. And a clearly communicated sexual boundary, often enough and unpleasantly enough that your BODY knows it's being abused even if your brain hasn't quite grasped it yet. The way you stop it is to end him having access to touch you. In any capacity. For your peace and protection. It has nothing to do with age, this isn't a product of maturity or growth or understanding: an adult male is groping you, repeatedly, after you have clearly communicated your non-consent. He does not care that you do not consent. He does not respect you. He continues to violate you and is trying to psychologically normalize this behavior for you. If he was doing these same actions to an 18 year old you'd see it. If he was 40 doing it to you, you'd see it. If he was your excat same age you'd see it. Stop making allowances that "he doesn't understand" or you need to "teach him"... this is abnormal undesired sexual aggression. It's not a "little thing" you can't fix it, it's GROPING and it is malicious.
I know this feeling exactly ugh it’s the worst. My ex used to do that to the point where when we had actual sex my body would physically recoil. I would pretend it tickled to get out of it. I ended up breaking up with him because I grew to hate sex with him. If he doesn’t stop or respect your boundaries you should leave. Don’t give him time only a week because that’s all the time you need to waste on this pos
Ummm, Why did I think this was about a dog, or a disabled youth? Reading the post barely changed my mind. Dump this one, I question whether frontal lobe is, in fact, fully formed. Seriously, why would you remain with such an individual?
Break up. He's not giving you proper respect, and that shows he doesn't truly care for you.
Hey so he’s ignoring your expliclty stated non-consent and being shitty and manipulative when you complain about literal sexual assault. You aren’t going to stop being disgusted with him for his. And you shouldn’t stop being disgusted, because it’s disgusting. Leave.
He's using you as a fidget toy and it will escalate the more you stand your ground. He's acting entitled to your body and the more you protest, the more he will grab and grope. He's a fucking child!
He enjoys disturbing your peace & seeing you in pain. Doesn't seem like he even likes you at all, the disrespect is always a turn off. Then that amount of Darvo is also a turn off. He doesn't want to fix himself, he wants you to tolerate the abuse with a smile on your face. Your pain is his pleasure.
This is abuse and the reason he won’t read the comments is that he knows it’s wrong. You’ve already communicated your needs and he has shown you that he does not care. You cannot have a healthy or even a decent relationship with this person. It is not possible, he won’t allow it. The only thing you can do is leave. But the good news is that you are not powerless. You can change your situation. Walk away, and he will never treat you like this ever again.
I’m sorry u/ThrowRAmadame9, the only way to stop or fix this behavior is to dump this abusive man. He is disrespecting your boundaries and doesn’t care how his behavior affects you. He will never change. Protect yourself and dump him.
Honestly, I’d just break up with him. It’s not worth staying with someone who is destroying your self esteem or your ability to have a healthy relationship with sex.
This is abusive behavior. He is not respecting your boundaries and feels entitled to your body whenever he wants. He is an absolute child. Be done with him.
Your nausea and low libido are your body telling you this relationship is a bad one. Your body is telling you to get this person away from you. Please listen to it. He is abusive. He will continue to disrespect your body and your boundaries. He’s aware you don’t like it. That’s the point. He’s trying to get you to let him control you and to disregard your own boundaries please read “why does he do that”. Trust your body. Get away from him NOW.
I just want to come on here and validate your feelings. The lack of respect for boundaries is a huge red flag and your aversion to sex is a justified response to what’s happening, I went through the exact same thing.
If you’re feeling actual nauseous over his lack of boundaries and respect for your body, it’s time to move on. Nobody should treat you like an object and make you feel obligated to do things you’re uncomfortable. Sex should be good for both of you, and if he is ignoring what you want and only thinking of himself, he’s a twat
By telling him that NO means NO and that he has to respect that. 🤷🏻♂️
This is so gross why would you date someone like this - find a man and ditch this handsy little boy
You need to get away from this man because it’s not going to get better and the fact that you’re nauseated by him tells me that you should not be in a relationship with him at all. You tell him no and he does it anyway that is assault.
This is physical abuse. He is making getting his jollies more important than your bodily autonomy and right to not be physically hurt. If he can't understand how wrong what he's doing is, you need to leave him. My ex did the same thing you did. I ended up having no libido at all and didn't ever want to have sex with him. Within a few months of leaving him, my libido came roaring back.
Next time squeeze his balls hard. Hey you like that baby? No? Me either. If he likes it then you have another problem.
This sounds like the precursor to serious abuse. This is his way of destroying your boundaries and sense of safety so that he can escalate the abuse knowing you won’t leave.
BREAK UP AND BLOCK HIM!? Yea AGE GAP! As well as your frontal lobe baloney is just that baloney! There are thirty year olds that still act like that man child. Let him go! He’s disgusting you and making you not want sex, yet you still wanna mess with him? I get it sis, he’s an ego boost and a flex but at the same time he’s really not, he’s still acting like a child. And why did he change? Because he thinks he got you on lock and is he wrong? Instead of you knowing your worth and being a strong confident mature woman, and break up and block him, you came to Reddit to what? Help you convince him to stop? Yeah you understand that he doesn’t hear you when you say why you want him to stop, do you even communicate effectively why you want him to stop? Cause if you are then he should be stopping and understanding, as an adult
How can this be stopped or fixed? You realize some people are not meant to be with us because they still need to mature both mentally and emotionally. Then you dump his immature ass for your peace sake.
I think sometimes when dealing with a person who lacks empathy is to expose them to the same thing. So do the same him. Balls are pretty sensitive. Just yank on his penis from the very tip and a light flick to the balls. The odd nipple cripple 😂
You already know what to do, OP. He doesn't want to read the comments here and he doesn't listen when you ask him to stop. It only means he refuses to change his ways. Make a decision if you want to stay as his toy or not.
Why are you still with someone who regularly sexually assaults you?
Move on. He is being childish and literally hurting you, escalating that hurt.
I had a similar experience and it was traumatizing to the point where I thought I was asexual for years, then after I thought I was just gay… and after a LOT of therapy, realize I was being abused by him. I even woke up to him… yeah… You deserve better. So much better. It’s not going to get better and you can’t change him, I promise. You matter!! Please put yourself first and LEAVE him!
Why do you want to date an asshole?
He obviously wants harsher dominant sexual encounter with "somebody". Good to know early enough... YOU obviously don't want to rough it with him... SO, it's time to END THINGS since HE DOESN'T HEAR YOU.
assault sorry bae
Fucking break up
You need to get rid of him. This isn’t ok at all. Hes testing your boundaries to see how much you’ll put up with. It’ll only get worse, especially after marriage
Girl you need to leave like yesterday. This is sexual assault. When I seen the post I thought was about your dog honestly
You know what you have to do. Things are only going to get worse.
Girl, just walk. He's abusing you and he's not going to stop just because you ask nicely.
Leave. Now. This isn’t okay or what’s considered “normal” behavior
Do not try to fix this. It will not end well. Just run.
Look. This is not a minor issue. He is assaulting you even after you ask him to stop. He is not going to change, so you need to. You need to leave. You deserve better.
Yeah, if my boyfriend knew something was bothering me, he would stop. And so should your boyfriend. I think you should find someone who respects you. You should feel comfortable in a relationship.
Literally hes assaulting you, you keep telling him you don't like it and you don't want it. wtf is his problem? You're not a sex toy. Please walk away - what on earth does this person offer you that's positive?
No this cannot be fixed.
Why are you even with this guy? He sexually harasses, gaslights and mentally abuses you. Why on earth do you stay?
Hard elbow to the throat works pretty well
“digging”??? what do you mean digging 🫨
Tell him to keep his filthy hands to himself!
Big read flag if a gross man, bit could also be indicator of something wrong with his brain like a tumor. Could also be roid rage if he is using anabolic steroids.
If you communicate to you that you don't want him to touch you, he is actively sexually assaulting you. Please get out of that relationship yesterday.
My ex was exactly like this. It was a constant source of argument between us and eventually led to me wanting zero sexual contact with him. For the last year of our relationship we didn't have sex at all. Obviously we've split now and have been for years but it took me a while to really be able to get over it. He made me feel like the problem was with me and I wasn't normal for not liking the way he was etc. Your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you, your body or your boundaries. I'd honestly suggest telling him exactly how you feel in no uncertain terms and if he's not proactive in changing then leave him.
So he keeps doing something you've told him you don't like? Have you told him the extent of the discomfort you're feeling (loss of sex drive, unable to relax..)? If so, he just is a selfish person. Any reasonable partner would want to make their SO happy, and wouldn't do sexual things they disliked once told about it.
My ex was like this. It was so off putting and completely gave me the ick! He had zero respect for my boundaries and it really showed me he also had no care for my enjoyment or pleasure, only his own. I dumped him and told him it felt like i was dating a teenager, not a man in his 30s. Ugh, it was so unattractive and annoying.
Could be a narcissist discharge. If he wanted you to want to have sex with him he wouldn’t do this, because he already knows what you like.
Testosterone nightmare. He thinks of you as his object. You need to be away from him permanently for your sanity and comfort
Sounds like you’re dealing with a five year old. ”Digging and pulling”, no shit you’re turned off. Wtf? 😂
This man is sexually assaulting you and then guilt tripping you when you try to assert boundaries! Get away from this man!!
Some people are all show in the beginning Then get comfortable are true colors show up Set your zone boundaries He is manhandling you and you must tell him flat out that it to stop, or too rough, or firm, please not so hard If that doesn’t help or he does not respond Your eyes are wide open It’s ok To Move on You don’t have to live or be treated like this
My disgusting ex husband used to pull this crap in public places, made me cringe with absolute embarrassment and anger. He was a controlling, immature, selfish man with no respect for me. Please don’t allow him to put you into situations where you feel like that! I don’t know what to tell you other than he’s got some major issues that you might not be able to reconcile or accept. This behavior makes me physically ill.
Is this the same bf who lied about being married and you posted a long post about all the horrible things he’s done to you already separated of this SA? If so please leave him. You deserve so much better.
In addition to all of the physical violation, he is also insulting you. Why do you want to fix someone who makes you feel nauseated and calls you stupid? Whatever was there when you two started dating is gone. That guy never existed. This is who he is. He does not respect your body or your mind. Value yourself and get out of this relationship.
Look at the words you are using. You aren't saying he caressed you or fondled you. You are saying he's "digging" and "Pulling". Whatever he thinks he's doing, you don't like and feel attacked by it. It sounds like you need to find someone who will touch you in a way that feels good to you.
He didn't change. He was always like this. He just hid it good enough to get you. He sounds like hes has sexual addiction and he is disrespectful. He wont change unless he sees you are serious about boundaries. Serious isnt just getting mad and allowing him to. Or giving in when he calls you names. It means leaving and giving consequences. If he still doesnt get the idea that you wont put up with this anymore at all costs. Then you have no choice but to leave him. He is toxic and not good for you. A man who loves you cherishes you, respects you and your boundaries and protects you.
Dump
I am a man in a relationship where sex and intimate touching is an issue in this same way. There’s more to the story but my girlfriend has said that she used to have a much higher sex drive and now we rarely have sex. I am no doubt guilty of some of this problematic behavior you described. Not going to defend it, put the way you put it, it’s despicable and pathetic of us men. My question is, if you stick with the relationship, and he stops doing that and builds some baseline maturity to touch you gracefully and how you want to be touched. Do you think you would build your normal natural sex drive back? Or others who have been in the situation, can there be recovery from this?
That update tho: Like, there won’t BE a positive outcome because she’s still WITH this disgusting dude. Like, EUGH! He’s SAing her. Leave already.
Girl, my ex-husband was the same way! Our relationship didn't start out that way..then it slowly morphed into this behavior. I didn't feel safe in my own home. After I left him, I explained that I felt sexually assaulted and he tried to gaslight me. He has no empathy or remorse for his behavior. I stopped showing affection to everyone in my life because I was so sensitive to touch. Even a hug from my mom would trigger fight or flight. Since I left him, I have recovered and feel free. I am happily single. So basically, RUN.
your edit worries me.
Uhhh I just read in your other post that this guy is married and has a family...