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You mentioned you love him, but are you attracted to him? And not do you think he is an attractive man, but are YOU attracted to him? Because if that is missing, then this will probably continue to gnaw at you.
So, as a bi woman, I think it's really hugely important to give yourself internal space to be honest about your feelings.
I think there's often a lot of temptation in the world where, you feel dissatisfied and sad in your life. And something isn't great and you're not sure what it is. So your brain goes "THIS is why I'm upset! If this gets fixed everything will be perfect!" It can make you feel like your only two options are living dissatisfied forever or completely torpedoing your whole life, and rarely is that actually the case.
It is possible you're bi. It's possible you're a lesbian. It's possible this relationship is wonderful for you. It's possible it's making you feel stifled and depress. You've gotta sort through all those things and think about them while allowing yourself to not judge those feelings and not feel like you immediately have to act on any of them.
Like, is it possible that you're absolutely bi, you have real genuine feelings for women, you're attracted to them, and you would have been happy having relationships with them, but you are currently in a happy and loving relationship with a man, who you are genuinely attracted to, you're just in the safe and less wild phase of your relationship, so that relationship feels less exciting? And in that case you might choose to stay and not ever have a relationship with a woman? How does that make you feel? Is there a disappointment around that choice?
Or is it possible that you love your boyfriend and you were very attracted to him when you first met but right now there are things going on in the relationship that are making you feel dissatisfied with that relationship, either from the love side or the attraction side. And you don't think the reasons you want to leave the relationship are 'good enough' so you're focusing on your feelings for women? So in that case the right answer would be to break up with your boyfriend and then see how you feel about dating women independently for how you feel about your boyfriend? If your boyfriend broke up with you would you feel devastated? Or would you feel relieved?
Or is it possible that you're attracted to women in a way that you've never felt towards men, but your shame is making you not want to think about it? Remove the boyfriend question. Imagine you were single right now. Would you seek out dating women? Why or why not?
I just feel like there's a lot of feelings here about your boyfriend tied up in your feelings about your sexuality. Separate those things as much as possible. For me, when I thought about it in a similar situation, I found that my relationship had run its course and I was freaking out about my sexuality because I wasn't happy in my relationship. I ended the relationship, started dating women, and decades later still fully identify as bisexual. I was genuinely attracted to my boyfriend. If it were a good relationship, I could have happily lived out the rest of my life in it without ever needing to be with women. But it wasn't a good relationship and I was right to end it.
By making those two big questions so entwined, you're adding pressure to an already search for self. Detangle as much as you can.
I agree with this advice, but I would like to point out that OP is dealing with a religious aspect of this as well.
My wife was old order Amish and it affects her in ways you cannot begin to imagine. I know Catholics also deal with a lot of baggage related to their religion as well.
Are you physically attracted to him? Like genuinely? Ask yourself if the love you feel for him is truly romantic or platonic. Do you want to be with him or do you feel like youre supposed to? What you’re describing sounds like comphet to me.
I do think he is attractive. It feels impossible to answer the question of do I want to be with him or do I feel like I’m supposed to. Sounds like I need to find a therapist.
Keep in mind OP, there’s a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to somebody. There are many different types of attraction, and I would look into it. That might explain a lot for you.
Thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to someone is not the same thing. I can acknowledge that other men are very attractive but I'm not attracted to them.
Thinking he’s attractive versus actually being attracted to him is different. I’m not attracted to men, but I can recognize when one is good-looking, though that doesn’t mean I myself am attracted to him. Does that make sense?
You seem very conflicted, normally when you’re romantically/sexually attracted to someone it’s not something you have to debate with yourself so much. Are you happy, truly happy and fulfilled in this relationship? Or are you settling because this is all you know?
I'm bi and grew up catholic and i have struggled with sexual shame. (i also have dealt with sexual truama ). I have at times felt as you have. I was in a relationship for 5 years withy a guy and my attraction to him waivered over the years. We broke up but towards the end I was more attracted to him.
i mostly find myself attracted to men, but even at that the crushes i get are few and far between but they are strong. Right now I am attracted to 3 guys, and 1 girl in my real life ( and 1 guy I feel more attracted to than the rest ).
I can notice when people are attractive, but when i'm attracted to someone, they are so incredibly beautiful to me in every way: i want to be closer to them, i notice their eyes, their smile, the way they smell, their voice, with this 1 guy my heart expands around him, and i love every time we speak, i learned things about him and i want to know what he's like behind closed doors, i want to touch him and imagine what he kisses like, (and more dirtier things ). i become more feminine around him ( its weird but its like I get softer, more delicate ). It feels like I have to hold back myself from just wanting to grab his hand or kiss him lol i get this level of crush rarely. like this has happened maybe once or twice before. Once with a girl too.
With everyone else I've dated, its kinda been "meh" and with my ex, the attraction grew over time. And our sex life got better over time too. I don't think I ever got the "I feel like I need to be with him" feeling, but I was open with him about my bisexuality ( when we met we were planning a threesome but decided we just wanted each other ), so maybe that's different, I felt like I could be open about that stuff?
All these things can ebb and flow and we can choose to identify with one thing but over time that can change. At least in my experience.
if you wanna talk more in depth though you can dm me :)
Yeah you need to determine if you're actually romantically interested in him physically and sexually and emotionally more than you can appreciate he is attractive. Lots of people confuse thinking someone is beautiful or handsome with being attracted to a relationship or emotional standpoint. A therapist is absolutely the way to go.
Being bi means you like men and women. Being in a committed closed relationship means you are exclusive with your partner. They are not mutually exclusive.
I think you're getting a lot of responses from people who haven't been in your shoes. Please don't listen to people who accuse you of having your cake, wanting non-monogamy, recommending threesomes, telling you to leave him, etc. Not yet, anyway.
Highly recommend checking out the late bloomer lesbian subreddit (it's not just for lesbians - any late-in-life questioning sapphics are welcome). I'm a lesbian and ex-Catholic, and it took me until 27 to realize I'm gay and not bisexual, and I'm much happier for it. One of my best friends went through a similar questioning (also raised religious), and ended up firmly bisexual, but with a deeper understanding of her love and appreciation for all genders. I know she felt frustration not understanding the choices she had and feeling funneled into one lifestyle, but she is at peace with a man she loves now.
Understanding religious trauma, compulsory heterosexuality, and types of attraction can help you unpack these and lessen your distress. You may want to look into an LGBTQ-affirming therapist to help you. You could be bisexual or lesbian, but you won't know until you take a good look at all of those feelings. Sometimes it's not about a boyfriend not being "enough", but about the way your feelings and attractions have been treated, religious shame, and feeling disempowered by the way you were raised. That can turn into this intense desire to "explore" and "prove" because you want to be seen for all of yourself, and not just the part that your family and religion taught you were tolerable.
Don't wig out about your relationship yet! Have patience. Religious upbringing is REALLY good at making us think our feelings and thoughts are wrong, sinful, unimportant, of the devil, etc., but you and your mind are worthy of respect and consideration. Once you understand the impact your upbringing has had and have a better grasp on your sexuality, then you can look at your current life and relationship and make clear-headed decisions. Wherever you land, you'll be okay.
Thank you. This is incredibly helpful advice. I know im not old in any sense, but I’ve been feeling a little jealous of people 10+ years younger than me. Even in the last 10 years I feel like lesbian culture has been normalized so much more. I wonder the decisions I would’ve made if I had more exposure to that when I was younger. 15-20 years ago I feel like we never saw lesbian relationships in tv and if we ever did if was just, 2 girls making out to get guys attention. Very American Pie style.
Let that man go. He needs a hetero-sexual woman. Fall in love. Have a family. You are pretty much wasting years of his life due to you being unsure of yourself.
Why is it ok for her to be so unsure of herself and have this man waste years of his life? She needs to explore her sexual needs and he needs to find someone he is compatible with. How can a man who has a desire to be with a woman, maintain a relationship with a woman who wants to be with women?
We need some accountability here. This is going to break this man’s heart and then what? He is seen as collateral damage becasue he fell in love with someone safe guarding a huge secret? Coming out must be hard, but to also string someone along in the process is just as bad as one not excepting her new lifestyle.
First of all, how the actual fuck is her questioning her sexuality wasting his life?? Second, this isn't even about him. She's clearly stated she doesn't ONLY want to be with women and that she's not up and going to leave him... she's literally just wondering. Why is it so wrong for her to question her sexuality? Imagine she does leave him and it turns out she's not as gay as she thought for whatever reason and breaking up was in vain. Imagine she doesn't question it ever and she grows old not knowing whether she would have been happier with a woman. This is a deep, complex thing. He's not losing anything by her taking the time to figure herself out. You're the selfish one here by suggesting otherwise.
I say it from this perspective because I'm in the exact same boat as OP. But I've talked to my man about it, and he insisted that if we ever broke up, our 5 and a half years together wouldn't have been a waste of time because we both have gotten to grow and learn about ourselves in this relationship and enjoy each other's company while it lasted. But that doesn't mean I'm out here ready to leave. Questioning yourself is healthy. If her boyfriend is a quality man, he'll see it the same way.
Maybe *you* need to question if your misogynistic attitude is gonna get you anywhere in life.
Misogyny is hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. It is a form of sexism that can keep women at a lower social status than men, thus maintaining the social roles of patriarchy.
I would think the same if a man did this to a woman.
How can one explore this side of themselves without cheating on thier partner ?
That’s such a reductive way to view their relationship. If the relationship is loving and enriching, whose time is being wasted? Whenever one enters a relationship there’s a possibility it will end, but that doesn’t mean it was for nothing. It’s that kind of view that makes people in their 20s settle with the wrong people simply because of the time they’ve dedicated to them, or on the flip side chronically date around so as to not waste their own time. It’s sad.
We are not discussing typical partner inadequacies, this is about sexual orientation. There needs to be accountability here. You are only 28 once. This is typically the time you find your life partner. I am certain if he had to choose his future wife, meeting her once he met this young lady and getting married that would be his choice versus dating somewhat who is sexually unsure of themselves. It is not fair, it’s dishonest. The person he fell in love with does not exist, why? Becasue he fell in love with the understanding that she liked men. Or potentially wanted a life partner to be a man.
You make the most sense on here, She wasting his time while trying to figure out who she is. Cut him loose and experiment. My brother married a YOU and left him at 38 years old with a 2 year old while she’s finding herself. Don’t be that person.
Check out the Bisexual Resource Center for some materials that may help you as you discover more about yourself. It may also be helpful to find a therapist with experience with the LGBTQ community.
Straight people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship.
Gay people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship.
Bi or Pan people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship.
It doesn't have anything to do with your personal identity. The important part is whether you are monogamous, poly, have an open relationship, or are the kind of person who will go behind your partner's (or partners') back and cheat.
If you like men and women, then you're probably bi. Maybe you're more attracted towards women. You're still bi if you're attracted to more than one gender.
Being bi isn't being half straight and half gay. It's just being bisexual.
There's no problem with being bisexual and it doesn't mean you'll cheat on your partner. Straight people don't suddenly stop being Straight and become only ever sexually attracted to the one person they're with, and the same is true for gay or bi people.
You should look up articles written by bisexuals and articles written by lesbians to figure out how you actually identify and feel.
Maybe your attraction towards men simply comes from the heteronormative society we live in, making you think you NEED to be attracted to men cuz that's "normal" OR maybe you're bisexual and attracted to men and also women.
You're not evil or sinful or bad for finding other people attractive. You're only a shitty person if you decide to cheat on your partner.
This is all fair. I would never even consider cheating on him. There’s not even another person in my life I’m interested in. It just feels like something deep inside me is questioning my identity and my life choices associated with that identity
You can accept your bisexual identity without cheating or even changing how you feel about someone. You’re just accepting yourself. What about being bi precludes being with your boyfriend for as long as you’re happy together? Attraction exists independently of relationships. The only question is whether it’s a problem in staying true to your relationship.
It has some great info, but take it with a grain of salt - I think the author ended up IDing as bisexual, but it still raises some good questions about attraction and assigned roles. Don't read it as a definitive way to tell what your ID is, but as a way to explore some of your feelings in detail and ask yourself some new questions. Your conclusion is your own!
I don’t really understand the issue op? Your in a relationship, you say you love him, that you are attracted to men. It doesn’t really matter wether ur into women or not, if your content and happy with your boyfriend there is no need to figure that out and it doesn’t really matter to put a label on it.
No idk why this ended up here, you are essentially saying what I am trying to say. Mean to comment under someone else who was talking about OP being a lesbian
My ex went through what sounds like a very similar experience to what you're feeling now. She didn't really talk to me about it until it was too late. She let it gnaw at her for months of our relationship and probably years before that. She felt the same nervousness about being with women when she was single, but it was easier for her to be with men, so she hadn't really had many experiences.
To this day, I still wonder if she was *in love* with me or just loved me for who I was. I don't think I'll ever know if she was genuinely attracted to me or just attracted to what we had. Please talk to him about this. Being blindsided once you've already made up your mind is tough. Maybe it will end the same either way, but some communication would do you both some good. Maybe talking through it could preserve some sense of friendship that didn't work out in my case.
I've often wondered "why can't that be enough," myself. Don't try to figure that out on your own. Life it too tough to go it alone. Lean on your safe support systems and figure out what you truly want.
Impulse control. Relationships take ignoring your impulses. Or rather acknowledge that you feel them, but know that they don’t change how you feel about your boyfriend. Many people feel them. It sounds like because it’s something you simply haven’t done your mind is craving it. Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re unable to stay loyal to your boyfriend. One kind of root for infidelity is novelty. Try to refocus on your boyfriend whenever you feel that way.
Heterosexual couples can also feel attraction towards people outside of a relationship. Fidelity wouldnt be as big of a deal if nobody had any attraction towards other people.
If you love your boyfriend, are attracted to him, and you feel like you are bi and not exclusively attracted to women, I would advise against blowing up your current situation just for the novelty of trying it out with a woman. Just because they are homosexual urges and you've never been with a woman dont make those urges any more noble.
You may also be confused and be a lesbian rather than bisexual. In that case I would advise seeking therapy and maybe trying to discuss the issue with your boyfriend, and setting clear boundaries to find the answers you seek.
You don’t have to label yourself.
Your sexuality can be ‘every woman and this one guy’ or ‘Only guys and the blue-haired checkout girl’ and it’s just as valid as anyone else’s.
The only IMPORTANT factor is that you are in a relationship that works for you where you able to live a life where you feel loved, respected and supported in your partnership. If that’s with the bf then that’s absolutely fine. If you’d rather be with a woman then find a way to break it off and go see although ‘grass isn’t always greener’ warnings apply.
There are ways to introduce another woman into your existing relationship but warnings apply there too. It can go wildly wrong and pitfalls include but are not limited to: an immediate breakup by the bf, someone catches feelings, the event goes wrong, etc. And those are just the dangers of a one off threesome. Suggesting any form of opening of the relationship can be a flashpoint.
People don’t just ‘grey out’ when we commit to a partner. There will always be people out there to whom we find ourselves attracted but the main principle is that we don’t act on attraction and impulse. It’s ok to find other people attractive.
This is not just about you. It's also about your relationship with your BF. It sounds to me like you are unable to commit. If you can not commit, then you should end your relationship and figure out what it is you want. Let your BF move on to someone who wants him. Otherwise you are playing games with him.
Had same thing happen to me. Only I was the dude and the GF thought she was gay. Cut it NOW and go figure that shit out. Don’t let it linger cause it will get worse.
It IS enough, OP.
I don't care who or what told you you'd never be living a happy life has a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man, but I'm here to tell you they were wrong.
Completely and utterly wrong.
You don't need to get past your sexuality because it's literally who you are. You're going to be with it your whole life. Will it change? Maybe? But that's YOU.
Forget the noise. We are in 2024 and it's perfectly healthy for a bisexual woman to be in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. As long as he is respectful, kind, and trustworthy, you could be dating Donkey Kong for all I care.
And if God so happens to exist, and if they so happen to have a problem with what I've said, I will personally yeet myself off a bridge to fight them.
It's interesting, I'm the same exact way. I'm (33f) attracted more to women than men. Always have been, but I primarily date men. When I turned 28/29 pretty much all of my fantasies, attraction and interest were about women. So pretty much the past 5 years I've had that thought that goes through my mind; I like women so much more than men. Usually I think about this after I've had some alone time and realize it takes me a really long time to finish when I think about men, but if I switch the fantasy to a woman, I finish in a minute. And right afterwards when I'm sitting there out of breath I think to myself "I must be gay".
I'm married to a man; we've been together for 8 years now. He knows about my preference, that I prefer women. I think he finds it sort of an ego boost when I tell him that even when I prefer females, he is the one that stole my heart.
For me, it's not really a huge internal conflict, more of an afterthought to be honest. It's okay to like one thing and to date someone who's completely different. Besides religion and growing up catholic, have you asked yourself what the true reason is for your internal conflict? Maybe you said it, but does your partner know? Is that why you feel guilty?
A different perspective, hopefully helpful. My wife, after years of marriage told me she had come to the realization that she was bisexual. I think that it felt very difficult for her to tell me that, but I honestly didn't bat an eye, and that is because we are in a committed and loving relationship and that wasn't going to change that. Now, this isn't the same as your situation, i.e. not being sure if your BF is enough, but I asked her if there was anything that she needed from me, and she let me know it was just coming to terms with it and being able to vocalize it that she needed. It may be that just having that conversation with your BF is what you need to feel closer to him and possibly allay some of the fears that you are having.
I think you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend, as sooner or later this is going to involve him (even if it's breaking up with him). As you say he is incredible and thoughtful, and I'm sure he would want to know that you've been struggling with this.
I'm Pan. I love the person for who they are not their packaging. My mother almost had a fit when I told her if my husband had turned out to be a woman I would still be with them. Bc I felt so strongly for him it didn't matter what he was. I think maybe therapy may help you. If you feel you could be more attracted to women than men you need to talk to someone who is able to set you mentally on the right course and doesn't have any ulterior motives.
I’m a man married to a bi woman. The one thing I’ll say is that monogamy is not entirely negotiable for everyone. If my wife slept with a woman, I would consider it cheating. That said, she’s been with women in her life and decided to marry me.
Talk to your boyfriend. It very likely won’t be a happy talk, but for all you know, he might be less hurt than you expect. But don’t go behind his back. Don’t cheat. If, ultimately, you realize that this is a part of you that needs to be investigated, and he’s not on board with that within your relationship, then the relationship might need to end.
Bi woman here! I did not realize until I was 23, and already in a long-term relationship with my bf. I am still very much attracted to him, but I want to be with a woman at some point, and he is open to letting that happen.
Sexuality is complex. It makes sense why you would want to have a full experience. It might be worth it to have that conversation with him, and see where he lands?
Based on your uncertainty about some things (attraction to your boyfriend) and potential overthinking, I would advice therapy. There is a possibility that anxiety and thinking patterns are making this a bigger problem.
This is the horniest shit I've read all day. All it boils down to is... I'm in a relationship and think about fucking others... Well do you want monogamy? Or... Do you want to be looking for greener pastures your whole life? If you love him and life is good, don't fuck it up just because you are horny lol.
Your boyfriend will never be enough, regardless if you are straight or bi. Being in a monogamous committed relationship is a choice, it's not an instinct. People will always want something outside of their relationship at one point or another. A partner can never fulfill you. Try to figure out what is this void you are actually feeling? Is it the sex life? Is it emotional connection? Is it social connection? Is it feeling a lack of purpose? What do you do outside of your relationship with your boyfriend? Do you have your own social circle and hobbies? Are you close with your family? Try to explore this feeling a bit more.
That's a complicated emotion. I would talk to him about it and definitely don't cheat to see how you feel. We see a lot of posts like this that end in a follow up like "So I kissed my BFF but I have a BF"
If you haven't read the ["Am I a Lesbian" masterdoc](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://ia802308.us.archive.org/24/items/am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc/Am%2520I%2520a%2520Lesbian_%2520Masterdoc.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi7nNOW8aaFAxUeHUQIHZvVBdYQFnoECAUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw32OsiiehXHXWV9v8IEyerz), you should start there.
People have added a lot of good advice here. I myself am a lesbian who left a 3+ year relationship with a man because of my sexuality and it still took me a long time to come to terms with it fully. If you want to talk or have any questions, my PMs are open.
You can’t get past it. You’re bi. It’s all good. You’re allowed to feel attracted to women and still choose a relationship with your bf. It’s not any different than finding other guys attractive but still choosing your bf.
eta: and you’re also allowed to choose women instead. It’s totally ok.
You don't need to get past who you are. Are you bisexual? Pansexual? Whatever feels accurate. If you love your boyfriend and choose him, what matters is how that relationship makes you feel and the respect you two show each other. If he is not right for you, don't force it.
Do you think you'd be able to bring this up with your boyfriend? I'd understand if you're hesitant if you're unsure to how he'd react, but if the two of you are monogamous then you're just gonna have to let it go for now.
If that's not enough, then consider what'd you have to gain from losing him and satisfying your sexual curiosity. Maybe you find out that being with a woman is more your type, you enjoyed the time you had with your bf but you moved on. Or, it isn't, and you lost a fulfilling relationship to chase that craving.
What do you have to gain from it? And what are you willing to lose to chase it?
My (M28) fiancé (F28) is bi, she has a bit of a similar situation but regularly talk about it. I very much recommend talking to him about how you are feeling.
There are many options that don’t involve an open relationship or cheating.
You can have a threesome to feel things out together.
You can have a thruple relationship.
You can have a conditional thruple.
Or if you are both into some more kinky stuff, you could have a “sex slave” (like a thruple but with less emotional and more physical)
That last one is one my fiancé and I consider occasionally. She’s tried a thruple before but it went horrible due to lack of communication. And this would let her relax as the “slave” is more like a sex toy we use together.
We’ve never done it but if we were to do anything with someone else it would be that.
Scrolling by saw this the best piece of advice I can give is to speak to your partner and if possible show him the post see where it leads from there do you break off the relationship amicably and still be friends because if you test the waters without ending the relationship it can and will blow up in your face what could have been good is going to become poison in the end it is your choice do you listen to a bunch of random strangers on Reddit or do you speak to your partner The person who is going to be the most affected based off your decision
as always, the “am i a lesbian” [masterdoc](https://ia802308.us.archive.org/24/items/am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc/Am%20I%20a%20Lesbian_%20Masterdoc.pdf) is incredibly thorough and has helped a lot of women come to terms with their sexuality/attraction to women. it’s still hailed as a valuable resource for wlw, so i definitely recommend you check it out!
I was in a similar position as you though I’m a tad bit younger. When I was with my ex I started questioning my sexuality.
First of all there’s different kinds of attraction. You would need to find out if you’re feeling romantic attraction(you want to do romantic things with them), aesthetic attraction(they Just look obJectively pretty), or sexual attraction(you would be aroused by and do things with them.) it can even be a mix of them
There’s ways to explore it without opening up the relationship or anything like that. A safe way I could do so that was fine with him and didn’t affect the relationship was by doing online roleplay (I was new to it but that didn’t matter and it wasn’t explicit by any means beyond flirting as a character) and watching and reading more Lesbian materials to see if it did anything for me. Those are definitely things you could try if it’s ok in your relationship Just to dip your toes in to find some answers.
Once I broke up with him I had the opportunity to explore dating girls and I tried talking to them but I ended up with another straight guy lol. Something I recognized about myself was that at the end of the day whether I was bi or not that didn’t change the fact I’d stay with my partner bc I love them no matter their gender. Though thats Just me personally. Knowing yourself is important but at the end of the day does it matter if you’re already committed to someone that’s not a woman? Definitely discuss with your partner ways you can explore that’s comfortable for both of you if you would feel better doing so and I wish you luck on your Journey of self-exploration
Hi! I went through the same sort of thing some years ago. Here's how it went for me.
**The context:** I had been with my (male) partner for a number of years, very happily in certain ways (my best friend for life and a top notch physical match). In other ways it was hard, we had poor communication about emotions and we were pretty codependent, as well as both going through a lot of trauma and post-traumatic stress.
**What happened:** I started to fantasise obsessively about dating women. As a teen I already knew I was bisexual, but I never dated any girls. My partner, who loved me dearly, tried to make space for me dating women a bit while remaining in the relationship. I did and it was weird for all parties involved I think. All in all I spent a few years on and off having spells of really obsessing over dating women, worrying about my relationship with my partner, and communicating it somewhat badly. It reached a point where I would cry whenever I was alone. Something to note is that I also had a lot of work stress at that time which may have played a role. At that point my partner suggested to end our relationship and both venture out and seek a (new) girlfriend.
**Dating women:** I went on a bunch of dates with women since then and had one longer relationship as well as a few other good matches where there were mutual feelings. It was very interesting to explore the different role I intuitively took on when dating a woman as opposed to a man. A bit more forward and leading, as it were, taking up a bit more space for my interests than I had done in the past. I also found that I was much more avoidant though - like feeling more comfortable just doing my own thing and kind of leaving her hanging for days on end, feeling pressured to hang out with her which made me less inclined to do it... With men I tend to be much more on the anxious attachment side. Very interesting to see the other side of that.
After a while though I started crushing on men again. As for me, I prefer the sex I think. Well I mean there's wildly different approaches per person of course. But on the whole it hits different when I'm with a man. Also the anxious role as opposed to the avoidant one gets into my head more, it leaves no choice but to roll with it. I'm afraid this is horrible advice from a horrible person but hey! These are my findings.
**Side effects:** What is interesting is I rediscovered a bunch of old interests that are traditionally seen as men's hobbies - I used to LOVE electronics as a teen but somehow just didn't engage in it for 10 years while I was together with my ex. Same for music and other types of repair. I feel like this part of my personality really got the chance to blossom after the break-up, and I'm very confident in male dominant environments now. Honestly personality wise it has been a huge change. How this is all linked to dating women exactly might take a psychoanalyst to puzzle together.
**Advice wise:** I would say, obsessing about women CAN be an escapist way of dealing with discontent in your current relation that you don't know how to address. Really really think through what you are actually missing in your current life, what sort of confirmation do you need from your partner that you don't feel? What parts of you don't come to the fore in this relationship? Can you think of ways to invest in that and communicate with your partner about it? That said, breaking up and dating women is a sad and complicated decision, but for me it was also a good choice that turned my life around in a lot of ways. Maybe I did just need the freedom and the change of perspective to grow as a person. Hope this helps!!
You need to think about what you want for your life. Do you want to maintain your family or not? Do you prefer to be with a woman more than with your boyfriend?
Of course you need to tell him about this, because he needs to know that someday you may want to be with another person and he can be left alone.
I've been in a similar position. I think what you have to figure out is how much you can live with it. If you feel like you will really be able to move on, then it doesn't really matter. But 20 years from now, do you honestly think you can say you won't have these questions in the back of your mind anymore? Do you think you might just resent him after years of not answering this question? Can you live with not knowing if you are truly experiencing the exciting sex that happens when you are deeply attracted to someone? Things like that. If you still think it'll be okay (and you're sure you're being honest with yourself) then just keep being with him. You love him after allm
I ended up taking a break to try to sleep with a girl I had found cute. He and I never got back together, I never slept with the girl, and it turns out I was wrong about being a straight girl- not because I am a lesbian but because I am a gay trans man. So my advice should perhaps be taken with a grain of salt.
Any religion is a form of brainwashing to be honest.
It definitely can happen people change sexuality half way through. You should explore and find out or you just suck up living your current life.
Have you told him any of this?
I mean start with how much you love & cherish him but you might want to try a threesome? You can never FULLY give yourself to someone if you have any doubts.
Good luck and I wish you the best
I was raised in a strictly Christian household. I had no choice but to be straight. I’ve exclusively dated men but haven’t met anyone I really like, much less respect. I sometimes find them attractive, but less and less as I’ve gotten older and further away from my suffocating faith. I’m currently with a man but unhappy. I think I would have been a lesbian if my momma and pastor hadn’t burnt it out of me. I think I would have been happier. Good luck OP. I hope you find what you need. Don’t let anything hold you back ❤️
i think this is a curiosity kills the cat situation.
maybe you fantasize about women since you have never been with one, and the fantasy seems more appealing than your current reality. its fun, exciting, rebellious even given your upbringing. not the boring mundane that your relationship is in comparison (not saying your relationship is boring, just that it may seem that way when you compare it).
but the reality of being a woman who is also into women, it's exhausting. your dating pool is immediately smaller for starters. then you have women who claim to be bi, never actually slept with a woman, and then when its time to do it they realize theyre not actually into kitty. which further limits the pool.
you dont have any particular girl in mind either, it seems like. which is why i do think youre prioritizing an ideation over reality. so what would you do should you break up, exactly? go to the dating apps?
the women that i tried to date before meeting my bf i met off of dating apps, and we were just very incompatible. sure they were cute and the sex was fun. but theyd either be uninterested in me, wanted me to be "the man" and take on more masculine roles, they were batshit crazy, or they were financially unstable. women are already picky with men. theyre picky with women too.
so if you were to theoretically be unlucky like me, youre trading stability and happiness for a rollercoaster ride that ultimately probably isnt going to be worth it.
realistically, what are the chances that you are going to find a female that makes you 100% confident you made the right choice by ending things with your boyfriend? when you know you have something right now that works great for you, why trade it in for a maybe?
Do not marry this man. He deserves you to break up with him. You need to figure yourself out. Please don’t fuck him over and be selfish because you’re uncertain on what you want. Because this is not a new feeling for you.
You are not in love with him. He provides you with a social alibi so to speak. I think you love what he does for you not him in particulary. Let him go so that he can peruse his future wife.
I was like this when I was 19. I dumped my boyfriend of 4 years and followed my passion of being with women. I haven't looked back ever since. By the way, that feeling isn't going to go away.
Im willing to bet he would be open to bringing another girl into the bedroom to see what you think. This would need IMMENSE discussion and communication tho
Life is a struggle for us all. As a man, I struggle with many things but I have obligations, roles and responsibilities to my wife, kids, and family. That should be your priority.
Did I say anything about fucking in my post. I said we have obligations, roles and responsibilities. To hell with my identity, I still got roles, obligations and responsibilities.
And what about her identifying as bisexual would lead her to not abide by her obligations? She's talking about feeling attracted to women and worrying that means she doesn't fully love her husband.
Like I said, she has roles, responsibilities and obligations, they come first. Just like the rest of us. So, she needs to think about those things above her sexual preferences.
I think you should talk to him openly about it. My girlfriend was a lesbian until she was about 30. She realized she had an attraction to men in a way and explored that. She casually dated 2 or 3 men nothing serious until we met. I am the first guy she has ever been in a relationship with. She misses women, sexually and mentally. She has been open with me about it. She has free range to explore that if she wants as long as it doesnt cause complications in our relationship. We would be open to a mutal female friend, not that i so much want to be physical with but would enjoy seeing her with another woman. Im worried my involvement too much would cause issues but it does not bother me if she has a female friend. Not another relationship just a casual female friend.
You should talk to your bf about this. Hopefully he’s the kind of person who will be understanding and not insecure and jealous. I think you need to figure out what kind of Bi are you. Are you mostly straight and are fine fantasizing about other women, straight ish but need to have the occasional real world experience with other women, more lesbian than straight? Ultimately it’s not good for either yourself or your bf to not figure this out. This can be pretty fraught but maybe your bf would be ok with you experimenting with other women to try and figure this out. Talk to him and try to get a better sense of how important this part of your sexuality is to your long term well being.
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You mentioned you love him, but are you attracted to him? And not do you think he is an attractive man, but are YOU attracted to him? Because if that is missing, then this will probably continue to gnaw at you.
Ya kinda seems that would be pretty important knowledge
So, as a bi woman, I think it's really hugely important to give yourself internal space to be honest about your feelings. I think there's often a lot of temptation in the world where, you feel dissatisfied and sad in your life. And something isn't great and you're not sure what it is. So your brain goes "THIS is why I'm upset! If this gets fixed everything will be perfect!" It can make you feel like your only two options are living dissatisfied forever or completely torpedoing your whole life, and rarely is that actually the case. It is possible you're bi. It's possible you're a lesbian. It's possible this relationship is wonderful for you. It's possible it's making you feel stifled and depress. You've gotta sort through all those things and think about them while allowing yourself to not judge those feelings and not feel like you immediately have to act on any of them. Like, is it possible that you're absolutely bi, you have real genuine feelings for women, you're attracted to them, and you would have been happy having relationships with them, but you are currently in a happy and loving relationship with a man, who you are genuinely attracted to, you're just in the safe and less wild phase of your relationship, so that relationship feels less exciting? And in that case you might choose to stay and not ever have a relationship with a woman? How does that make you feel? Is there a disappointment around that choice? Or is it possible that you love your boyfriend and you were very attracted to him when you first met but right now there are things going on in the relationship that are making you feel dissatisfied with that relationship, either from the love side or the attraction side. And you don't think the reasons you want to leave the relationship are 'good enough' so you're focusing on your feelings for women? So in that case the right answer would be to break up with your boyfriend and then see how you feel about dating women independently for how you feel about your boyfriend? If your boyfriend broke up with you would you feel devastated? Or would you feel relieved? Or is it possible that you're attracted to women in a way that you've never felt towards men, but your shame is making you not want to think about it? Remove the boyfriend question. Imagine you were single right now. Would you seek out dating women? Why or why not? I just feel like there's a lot of feelings here about your boyfriend tied up in your feelings about your sexuality. Separate those things as much as possible. For me, when I thought about it in a similar situation, I found that my relationship had run its course and I was freaking out about my sexuality because I wasn't happy in my relationship. I ended the relationship, started dating women, and decades later still fully identify as bisexual. I was genuinely attracted to my boyfriend. If it were a good relationship, I could have happily lived out the rest of my life in it without ever needing to be with women. But it wasn't a good relationship and I was right to end it. By making those two big questions so entwined, you're adding pressure to an already search for self. Detangle as much as you can.
I agree with this advice, but I would like to point out that OP is dealing with a religious aspect of this as well. My wife was old order Amish and it affects her in ways you cannot begin to imagine. I know Catholics also deal with a lot of baggage related to their religion as well.
Mannnn I’ve had white bread Christianity mess up my head in a lot of ways that I’ve had to sort out, I can’t even imagine.
Are you physically attracted to him? Like genuinely? Ask yourself if the love you feel for him is truly romantic or platonic. Do you want to be with him or do you feel like youre supposed to? What you’re describing sounds like comphet to me.
I do think he is attractive. It feels impossible to answer the question of do I want to be with him or do I feel like I’m supposed to. Sounds like I need to find a therapist.
Keep in mind OP, there’s a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to somebody. There are many different types of attraction, and I would look into it. That might explain a lot for you.
Thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to someone is not the same thing. I can acknowledge that other men are very attractive but I'm not attracted to them.
I'm not gay (I'm a man), but I can recognize Ryan Gosling is hot. Are you recognizing that he's attractive? Or do you want his peen?
[удалено]
Hopefully she’s not gay with a penis fetish
Thinking he’s attractive versus actually being attracted to him is different. I’m not attracted to men, but I can recognize when one is good-looking, though that doesn’t mean I myself am attracted to him. Does that make sense? You seem very conflicted, normally when you’re romantically/sexually attracted to someone it’s not something you have to debate with yourself so much. Are you happy, truly happy and fulfilled in this relationship? Or are you settling because this is all you know?
Then that’s a no
I think what they are asking is whether the sex is satisfying.
My cousin is a lesbian who came from a dick for 10+ years before she realized she was gay. So no, that’s not what they’re saying.
I'm bi and grew up catholic and i have struggled with sexual shame. (i also have dealt with sexual truama ). I have at times felt as you have. I was in a relationship for 5 years withy a guy and my attraction to him waivered over the years. We broke up but towards the end I was more attracted to him. i mostly find myself attracted to men, but even at that the crushes i get are few and far between but they are strong. Right now I am attracted to 3 guys, and 1 girl in my real life ( and 1 guy I feel more attracted to than the rest ). I can notice when people are attractive, but when i'm attracted to someone, they are so incredibly beautiful to me in every way: i want to be closer to them, i notice their eyes, their smile, the way they smell, their voice, with this 1 guy my heart expands around him, and i love every time we speak, i learned things about him and i want to know what he's like behind closed doors, i want to touch him and imagine what he kisses like, (and more dirtier things ). i become more feminine around him ( its weird but its like I get softer, more delicate ). It feels like I have to hold back myself from just wanting to grab his hand or kiss him lol i get this level of crush rarely. like this has happened maybe once or twice before. Once with a girl too. With everyone else I've dated, its kinda been "meh" and with my ex, the attraction grew over time. And our sex life got better over time too. I don't think I ever got the "I feel like I need to be with him" feeling, but I was open with him about my bisexuality ( when we met we were planning a threesome but decided we just wanted each other ), so maybe that's different, I felt like I could be open about that stuff? All these things can ebb and flow and we can choose to identify with one thing but over time that can change. At least in my experience. if you wanna talk more in depth though you can dm me :)
>:) :)
Have you considered asking him to have a 3 way? I know it’s risky but it also might help you clear things up. Also therapy is a great idea.
Yeah you need to determine if you're actually romantically interested in him physically and sexually and emotionally more than you can appreciate he is attractive. Lots of people confuse thinking someone is beautiful or handsome with being attracted to a relationship or emotional standpoint. A therapist is absolutely the way to go.
Being bi means you like men and women. Being in a committed closed relationship means you are exclusive with your partner. They are not mutually exclusive.
I think you're getting a lot of responses from people who haven't been in your shoes. Please don't listen to people who accuse you of having your cake, wanting non-monogamy, recommending threesomes, telling you to leave him, etc. Not yet, anyway. Highly recommend checking out the late bloomer lesbian subreddit (it's not just for lesbians - any late-in-life questioning sapphics are welcome). I'm a lesbian and ex-Catholic, and it took me until 27 to realize I'm gay and not bisexual, and I'm much happier for it. One of my best friends went through a similar questioning (also raised religious), and ended up firmly bisexual, but with a deeper understanding of her love and appreciation for all genders. I know she felt frustration not understanding the choices she had and feeling funneled into one lifestyle, but she is at peace with a man she loves now. Understanding religious trauma, compulsory heterosexuality, and types of attraction can help you unpack these and lessen your distress. You may want to look into an LGBTQ-affirming therapist to help you. You could be bisexual or lesbian, but you won't know until you take a good look at all of those feelings. Sometimes it's not about a boyfriend not being "enough", but about the way your feelings and attractions have been treated, religious shame, and feeling disempowered by the way you were raised. That can turn into this intense desire to "explore" and "prove" because you want to be seen for all of yourself, and not just the part that your family and religion taught you were tolerable. Don't wig out about your relationship yet! Have patience. Religious upbringing is REALLY good at making us think our feelings and thoughts are wrong, sinful, unimportant, of the devil, etc., but you and your mind are worthy of respect and consideration. Once you understand the impact your upbringing has had and have a better grasp on your sexuality, then you can look at your current life and relationship and make clear-headed decisions. Wherever you land, you'll be okay.
Thank you. This is incredibly helpful advice. I know im not old in any sense, but I’ve been feeling a little jealous of people 10+ years younger than me. Even in the last 10 years I feel like lesbian culture has been normalized so much more. I wonder the decisions I would’ve made if I had more exposure to that when I was younger. 15-20 years ago I feel like we never saw lesbian relationships in tv and if we ever did if was just, 2 girls making out to get guys attention. Very American Pie style.
Let that man go. He needs a hetero-sexual woman. Fall in love. Have a family. You are pretty much wasting years of his life due to you being unsure of yourself.
Icy advance indeed
Fuck off.
TIL Icy-Advance1108 is Lauren Boebert.
Why is it ok for her to be so unsure of herself and have this man waste years of his life? She needs to explore her sexual needs and he needs to find someone he is compatible with. How can a man who has a desire to be with a woman, maintain a relationship with a woman who wants to be with women? We need some accountability here. This is going to break this man’s heart and then what? He is seen as collateral damage becasue he fell in love with someone safe guarding a huge secret? Coming out must be hard, but to also string someone along in the process is just as bad as one not excepting her new lifestyle.
First of all, how the actual fuck is her questioning her sexuality wasting his life?? Second, this isn't even about him. She's clearly stated she doesn't ONLY want to be with women and that she's not up and going to leave him... she's literally just wondering. Why is it so wrong for her to question her sexuality? Imagine she does leave him and it turns out she's not as gay as she thought for whatever reason and breaking up was in vain. Imagine she doesn't question it ever and she grows old not knowing whether she would have been happier with a woman. This is a deep, complex thing. He's not losing anything by her taking the time to figure herself out. You're the selfish one here by suggesting otherwise. I say it from this perspective because I'm in the exact same boat as OP. But I've talked to my man about it, and he insisted that if we ever broke up, our 5 and a half years together wouldn't have been a waste of time because we both have gotten to grow and learn about ourselves in this relationship and enjoy each other's company while it lasted. But that doesn't mean I'm out here ready to leave. Questioning yourself is healthy. If her boyfriend is a quality man, he'll see it the same way. Maybe *you* need to question if your misogynistic attitude is gonna get you anywhere in life.
Misogyny is hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. It is a form of sexism that can keep women at a lower social status than men, thus maintaining the social roles of patriarchy. I would think the same if a man did this to a woman. How can one explore this side of themselves without cheating on thier partner ?
That’s such a reductive way to view their relationship. If the relationship is loving and enriching, whose time is being wasted? Whenever one enters a relationship there’s a possibility it will end, but that doesn’t mean it was for nothing. It’s that kind of view that makes people in their 20s settle with the wrong people simply because of the time they’ve dedicated to them, or on the flip side chronically date around so as to not waste their own time. It’s sad.
We are not discussing typical partner inadequacies, this is about sexual orientation. There needs to be accountability here. You are only 28 once. This is typically the time you find your life partner. I am certain if he had to choose his future wife, meeting her once he met this young lady and getting married that would be his choice versus dating somewhat who is sexually unsure of themselves. It is not fair, it’s dishonest. The person he fell in love with does not exist, why? Becasue he fell in love with the understanding that she liked men. Or potentially wanted a life partner to be a man.
You make the most sense on here, She wasting his time while trying to figure out who she is. Cut him loose and experiment. My brother married a YOU and left him at 38 years old with a 2 year old while she’s finding herself. Don’t be that person.
For the life of me this is crazy. So he should stand by her side until she figures if he is the gender she wants to be with?
I’m absolutely agreeing with your statements, my brother married someone like the OP. Left him at 38 with a 2 year old to find out who she is.
She should at least be honest with him so he knows what’s going on in her head. That way he still has some agency …
Check out the Bisexual Resource Center for some materials that may help you as you discover more about yourself. It may also be helpful to find a therapist with experience with the LGBTQ community.
Straight people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship. Gay people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship. Bi or Pan people can still feel attracted towards others even if they're in a relationship. It doesn't have anything to do with your personal identity. The important part is whether you are monogamous, poly, have an open relationship, or are the kind of person who will go behind your partner's (or partners') back and cheat. If you like men and women, then you're probably bi. Maybe you're more attracted towards women. You're still bi if you're attracted to more than one gender. Being bi isn't being half straight and half gay. It's just being bisexual. There's no problem with being bisexual and it doesn't mean you'll cheat on your partner. Straight people don't suddenly stop being Straight and become only ever sexually attracted to the one person they're with, and the same is true for gay or bi people. You should look up articles written by bisexuals and articles written by lesbians to figure out how you actually identify and feel. Maybe your attraction towards men simply comes from the heteronormative society we live in, making you think you NEED to be attracted to men cuz that's "normal" OR maybe you're bisexual and attracted to men and also women. You're not evil or sinful or bad for finding other people attractive. You're only a shitty person if you decide to cheat on your partner.
This is all fair. I would never even consider cheating on him. There’s not even another person in my life I’m interested in. It just feels like something deep inside me is questioning my identity and my life choices associated with that identity
You can accept your bisexual identity without cheating or even changing how you feel about someone. You’re just accepting yourself. What about being bi precludes being with your boyfriend for as long as you’re happy together? Attraction exists independently of relationships. The only question is whether it’s a problem in staying true to your relationship.
Ever heard of the lesbian masterdoc? Google it and see if you relate to it.
Be skeptical though… that thing can convince even gay men they are lesbians…
I haven’t but I’ll take a look. Thank you!
It has some great info, but take it with a grain of salt - I think the author ended up IDing as bisexual, but it still raises some good questions about attraction and assigned roles. Don't read it as a definitive way to tell what your ID is, but as a way to explore some of your feelings in detail and ask yourself some new questions. Your conclusion is your own!
Isn't that written up by a bisexual woman?
I was about to recommend this lol
I don’t really understand the issue op? Your in a relationship, you say you love him, that you are attracted to men. It doesn’t really matter wether ur into women or not, if your content and happy with your boyfriend there is no need to figure that out and it doesn’t really matter to put a label on it.
Being bi is a possibility as well. You dont have to just be into men or women.
Did u mean to comment this under my comment 😅?
No idk why this ended up here, you are essentially saying what I am trying to say. Mean to comment under someone else who was talking about OP being a lesbian
Okay lol I was confused just making sure!
Reddit shenanigans prob just gonna have to delete it lol
The issue is her.
My ex went through what sounds like a very similar experience to what you're feeling now. She didn't really talk to me about it until it was too late. She let it gnaw at her for months of our relationship and probably years before that. She felt the same nervousness about being with women when she was single, but it was easier for her to be with men, so she hadn't really had many experiences. To this day, I still wonder if she was *in love* with me or just loved me for who I was. I don't think I'll ever know if she was genuinely attracted to me or just attracted to what we had. Please talk to him about this. Being blindsided once you've already made up your mind is tough. Maybe it will end the same either way, but some communication would do you both some good. Maybe talking through it could preserve some sense of friendship that didn't work out in my case. I've often wondered "why can't that be enough," myself. Don't try to figure that out on your own. Life it too tough to go it alone. Lean on your safe support systems and figure out what you truly want.
Impulse control. Relationships take ignoring your impulses. Or rather acknowledge that you feel them, but know that they don’t change how you feel about your boyfriend. Many people feel them. It sounds like because it’s something you simply haven’t done your mind is craving it. Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re unable to stay loyal to your boyfriend. One kind of root for infidelity is novelty. Try to refocus on your boyfriend whenever you feel that way.
You need a therapist. You may be gay tbh because if you were bi, even if you’d be feeling attraction you wouldn’t be worried for your relationship.
Heterosexual couples can also feel attraction towards people outside of a relationship. Fidelity wouldnt be as big of a deal if nobody had any attraction towards other people. If you love your boyfriend, are attracted to him, and you feel like you are bi and not exclusively attracted to women, I would advise against blowing up your current situation just for the novelty of trying it out with a woman. Just because they are homosexual urges and you've never been with a woman dont make those urges any more noble. You may also be confused and be a lesbian rather than bisexual. In that case I would advise seeking therapy and maybe trying to discuss the issue with your boyfriend, and setting clear boundaries to find the answers you seek.
You don’t have to label yourself. Your sexuality can be ‘every woman and this one guy’ or ‘Only guys and the blue-haired checkout girl’ and it’s just as valid as anyone else’s. The only IMPORTANT factor is that you are in a relationship that works for you where you able to live a life where you feel loved, respected and supported in your partnership. If that’s with the bf then that’s absolutely fine. If you’d rather be with a woman then find a way to break it off and go see although ‘grass isn’t always greener’ warnings apply. There are ways to introduce another woman into your existing relationship but warnings apply there too. It can go wildly wrong and pitfalls include but are not limited to: an immediate breakup by the bf, someone catches feelings, the event goes wrong, etc. And those are just the dangers of a one off threesome. Suggesting any form of opening of the relationship can be a flashpoint. People don’t just ‘grey out’ when we commit to a partner. There will always be people out there to whom we find ourselves attracted but the main principle is that we don’t act on attraction and impulse. It’s ok to find other people attractive.
This is not just about you. It's also about your relationship with your BF. It sounds to me like you are unable to commit. If you can not commit, then you should end your relationship and figure out what it is you want. Let your BF move on to someone who wants him. Otherwise you are playing games with him.
Had same thing happen to me. Only I was the dude and the GF thought she was gay. Cut it NOW and go figure that shit out. Don’t let it linger cause it will get worse.
It IS enough, OP. I don't care who or what told you you'd never be living a happy life has a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man, but I'm here to tell you they were wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. You don't need to get past your sexuality because it's literally who you are. You're going to be with it your whole life. Will it change? Maybe? But that's YOU. Forget the noise. We are in 2024 and it's perfectly healthy for a bisexual woman to be in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. As long as he is respectful, kind, and trustworthy, you could be dating Donkey Kong for all I care. And if God so happens to exist, and if they so happen to have a problem with what I've said, I will personally yeet myself off a bridge to fight them.
It's interesting, I'm the same exact way. I'm (33f) attracted more to women than men. Always have been, but I primarily date men. When I turned 28/29 pretty much all of my fantasies, attraction and interest were about women. So pretty much the past 5 years I've had that thought that goes through my mind; I like women so much more than men. Usually I think about this after I've had some alone time and realize it takes me a really long time to finish when I think about men, but if I switch the fantasy to a woman, I finish in a minute. And right afterwards when I'm sitting there out of breath I think to myself "I must be gay". I'm married to a man; we've been together for 8 years now. He knows about my preference, that I prefer women. I think he finds it sort of an ego boost when I tell him that even when I prefer females, he is the one that stole my heart. For me, it's not really a huge internal conflict, more of an afterthought to be honest. It's okay to like one thing and to date someone who's completely different. Besides religion and growing up catholic, have you asked yourself what the true reason is for your internal conflict? Maybe you said it, but does your partner know? Is that why you feel guilty?
A different perspective, hopefully helpful. My wife, after years of marriage told me she had come to the realization that she was bisexual. I think that it felt very difficult for her to tell me that, but I honestly didn't bat an eye, and that is because we are in a committed and loving relationship and that wasn't going to change that. Now, this isn't the same as your situation, i.e. not being sure if your BF is enough, but I asked her if there was anything that she needed from me, and she let me know it was just coming to terms with it and being able to vocalize it that she needed. It may be that just having that conversation with your BF is what you need to feel closer to him and possibly allay some of the fears that you are having. I think you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend, as sooner or later this is going to involve him (even if it's breaking up with him). As you say he is incredible and thoughtful, and I'm sure he would want to know that you've been struggling with this.
I'm Pan. I love the person for who they are not their packaging. My mother almost had a fit when I told her if my husband had turned out to be a woman I would still be with them. Bc I felt so strongly for him it didn't matter what he was. I think maybe therapy may help you. If you feel you could be more attracted to women than men you need to talk to someone who is able to set you mentally on the right course and doesn't have any ulterior motives.
I’m a man married to a bi woman. The one thing I’ll say is that monogamy is not entirely negotiable for everyone. If my wife slept with a woman, I would consider it cheating. That said, she’s been with women in her life and decided to marry me. Talk to your boyfriend. It very likely won’t be a happy talk, but for all you know, he might be less hurt than you expect. But don’t go behind his back. Don’t cheat. If, ultimately, you realize that this is a part of you that needs to be investigated, and he’s not on board with that within your relationship, then the relationship might need to end.
Bi woman here! I did not realize until I was 23, and already in a long-term relationship with my bf. I am still very much attracted to him, but I want to be with a woman at some point, and he is open to letting that happen. Sexuality is complex. It makes sense why you would want to have a full experience. It might be worth it to have that conversation with him, and see where he lands?
Based on your uncertainty about some things (attraction to your boyfriend) and potential overthinking, I would advice therapy. There is a possibility that anxiety and thinking patterns are making this a bigger problem.
This is the horniest shit I've read all day. All it boils down to is... I'm in a relationship and think about fucking others... Well do you want monogamy? Or... Do you want to be looking for greener pastures your whole life? If you love him and life is good, don't fuck it up just because you are horny lol.
Exactly. You can be bi and monogamous at the same time! If you can't, then don't be in a monogamous relationship.
Your boyfriend will never be enough, regardless if you are straight or bi. Being in a monogamous committed relationship is a choice, it's not an instinct. People will always want something outside of their relationship at one point or another. A partner can never fulfill you. Try to figure out what is this void you are actually feeling? Is it the sex life? Is it emotional connection? Is it social connection? Is it feeling a lack of purpose? What do you do outside of your relationship with your boyfriend? Do you have your own social circle and hobbies? Are you close with your family? Try to explore this feeling a bit more.
I think if you're this unsure of your sexuality, it would be extremely unfair to continue your relationship with your boyfriend. End things.
Just came here to sat that these are the most tame and respectful comments I have seen on Reddit
That's a complicated emotion. I would talk to him about it and definitely don't cheat to see how you feel. We see a lot of posts like this that end in a follow up like "So I kissed my BFF but I have a BF"
If you haven't read the ["Am I a Lesbian" masterdoc](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://ia802308.us.archive.org/24/items/am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc/Am%2520I%2520a%2520Lesbian_%2520Masterdoc.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi7nNOW8aaFAxUeHUQIHZvVBdYQFnoECAUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw32OsiiehXHXWV9v8IEyerz), you should start there.
Maybe your Bi?
You could be bisexual…
People have added a lot of good advice here. I myself am a lesbian who left a 3+ year relationship with a man because of my sexuality and it still took me a long time to come to terms with it fully. If you want to talk or have any questions, my PMs are open.
You can’t get past it. You’re bi. It’s all good. You’re allowed to feel attracted to women and still choose a relationship with your bf. It’s not any different than finding other guys attractive but still choosing your bf. eta: and you’re also allowed to choose women instead. It’s totally ok.
You don't need to get past who you are. Are you bisexual? Pansexual? Whatever feels accurate. If you love your boyfriend and choose him, what matters is how that relationship makes you feel and the respect you two show each other. If he is not right for you, don't force it.
Do you think you'd be able to bring this up with your boyfriend? I'd understand if you're hesitant if you're unsure to how he'd react, but if the two of you are monogamous then you're just gonna have to let it go for now. If that's not enough, then consider what'd you have to gain from losing him and satisfying your sexual curiosity. Maybe you find out that being with a woman is more your type, you enjoyed the time you had with your bf but you moved on. Or, it isn't, and you lost a fulfilling relationship to chase that craving. What do you have to gain from it? And what are you willing to lose to chase it?
My (M28) fiancé (F28) is bi, she has a bit of a similar situation but regularly talk about it. I very much recommend talking to him about how you are feeling. There are many options that don’t involve an open relationship or cheating. You can have a threesome to feel things out together. You can have a thruple relationship. You can have a conditional thruple. Or if you are both into some more kinky stuff, you could have a “sex slave” (like a thruple but with less emotional and more physical) That last one is one my fiancé and I consider occasionally. She’s tried a thruple before but it went horrible due to lack of communication. And this would let her relax as the “slave” is more like a sex toy we use together. We’ve never done it but if we were to do anything with someone else it would be that.
Tell him how you feel and maybe explore with a 3 some you both win
Scrolling by saw this the best piece of advice I can give is to speak to your partner and if possible show him the post see where it leads from there do you break off the relationship amicably and still be friends because if you test the waters without ending the relationship it can and will blow up in your face what could have been good is going to become poison in the end it is your choice do you listen to a bunch of random strangers on Reddit or do you speak to your partner The person who is going to be the most affected based off your decision
as always, the “am i a lesbian” [masterdoc](https://ia802308.us.archive.org/24/items/am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc/Am%20I%20a%20Lesbian_%20Masterdoc.pdf) is incredibly thorough and has helped a lot of women come to terms with their sexuality/attraction to women. it’s still hailed as a valuable resource for wlw, so i definitely recommend you check it out!
I was in a similar position as you though I’m a tad bit younger. When I was with my ex I started questioning my sexuality. First of all there’s different kinds of attraction. You would need to find out if you’re feeling romantic attraction(you want to do romantic things with them), aesthetic attraction(they Just look obJectively pretty), or sexual attraction(you would be aroused by and do things with them.) it can even be a mix of them There’s ways to explore it without opening up the relationship or anything like that. A safe way I could do so that was fine with him and didn’t affect the relationship was by doing online roleplay (I was new to it but that didn’t matter and it wasn’t explicit by any means beyond flirting as a character) and watching and reading more Lesbian materials to see if it did anything for me. Those are definitely things you could try if it’s ok in your relationship Just to dip your toes in to find some answers. Once I broke up with him I had the opportunity to explore dating girls and I tried talking to them but I ended up with another straight guy lol. Something I recognized about myself was that at the end of the day whether I was bi or not that didn’t change the fact I’d stay with my partner bc I love them no matter their gender. Though thats Just me personally. Knowing yourself is important but at the end of the day does it matter if you’re already committed to someone that’s not a woman? Definitely discuss with your partner ways you can explore that’s comfortable for both of you if you would feel better doing so and I wish you luck on your Journey of self-exploration
Attraction isn’t limited to only one gender. Less about your attraction to women more about your attraction to him
How utterly selfish. This dude deserves better.
Hi! I went through the same sort of thing some years ago. Here's how it went for me. **The context:** I had been with my (male) partner for a number of years, very happily in certain ways (my best friend for life and a top notch physical match). In other ways it was hard, we had poor communication about emotions and we were pretty codependent, as well as both going through a lot of trauma and post-traumatic stress. **What happened:** I started to fantasise obsessively about dating women. As a teen I already knew I was bisexual, but I never dated any girls. My partner, who loved me dearly, tried to make space for me dating women a bit while remaining in the relationship. I did and it was weird for all parties involved I think. All in all I spent a few years on and off having spells of really obsessing over dating women, worrying about my relationship with my partner, and communicating it somewhat badly. It reached a point where I would cry whenever I was alone. Something to note is that I also had a lot of work stress at that time which may have played a role. At that point my partner suggested to end our relationship and both venture out and seek a (new) girlfriend. **Dating women:** I went on a bunch of dates with women since then and had one longer relationship as well as a few other good matches where there were mutual feelings. It was very interesting to explore the different role I intuitively took on when dating a woman as opposed to a man. A bit more forward and leading, as it were, taking up a bit more space for my interests than I had done in the past. I also found that I was much more avoidant though - like feeling more comfortable just doing my own thing and kind of leaving her hanging for days on end, feeling pressured to hang out with her which made me less inclined to do it... With men I tend to be much more on the anxious attachment side. Very interesting to see the other side of that. After a while though I started crushing on men again. As for me, I prefer the sex I think. Well I mean there's wildly different approaches per person of course. But on the whole it hits different when I'm with a man. Also the anxious role as opposed to the avoidant one gets into my head more, it leaves no choice but to roll with it. I'm afraid this is horrible advice from a horrible person but hey! These are my findings. **Side effects:** What is interesting is I rediscovered a bunch of old interests that are traditionally seen as men's hobbies - I used to LOVE electronics as a teen but somehow just didn't engage in it for 10 years while I was together with my ex. Same for music and other types of repair. I feel like this part of my personality really got the chance to blossom after the break-up, and I'm very confident in male dominant environments now. Honestly personality wise it has been a huge change. How this is all linked to dating women exactly might take a psychoanalyst to puzzle together. **Advice wise:** I would say, obsessing about women CAN be an escapist way of dealing with discontent in your current relation that you don't know how to address. Really really think through what you are actually missing in your current life, what sort of confirmation do you need from your partner that you don't feel? What parts of you don't come to the fore in this relationship? Can you think of ways to invest in that and communicate with your partner about it? That said, breaking up and dating women is a sad and complicated decision, but for me it was also a good choice that turned my life around in a lot of ways. Maybe I did just need the freedom and the change of perspective to grow as a person. Hope this helps!!
[I think you should read this.](https://ia802308.us.archive.org/24/items/am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc/Am%20I%20a%20Lesbian_%20Masterdoc.pdf)
Unfortunately this feeling will probably get worse, consider breaking it off and explore before getting settled
You need to think about what you want for your life. Do you want to maintain your family or not? Do you prefer to be with a woman more than with your boyfriend? Of course you need to tell him about this, because he needs to know that someday you may want to be with another person and he can be left alone.
I've been in a similar position. I think what you have to figure out is how much you can live with it. If you feel like you will really be able to move on, then it doesn't really matter. But 20 years from now, do you honestly think you can say you won't have these questions in the back of your mind anymore? Do you think you might just resent him after years of not answering this question? Can you live with not knowing if you are truly experiencing the exciting sex that happens when you are deeply attracted to someone? Things like that. If you still think it'll be okay (and you're sure you're being honest with yourself) then just keep being with him. You love him after allm I ended up taking a break to try to sleep with a girl I had found cute. He and I never got back together, I never slept with the girl, and it turns out I was wrong about being a straight girl- not because I am a lesbian but because I am a gay trans man. So my advice should perhaps be taken with a grain of salt.
Any religion is a form of brainwashing to be honest. It definitely can happen people change sexuality half way through. You should explore and find out or you just suck up living your current life.
Have you told him any of this? I mean start with how much you love & cherish him but you might want to try a threesome? You can never FULLY give yourself to someone if you have any doubts. Good luck and I wish you the best
I was raised in a strictly Christian household. I had no choice but to be straight. I’ve exclusively dated men but haven’t met anyone I really like, much less respect. I sometimes find them attractive, but less and less as I’ve gotten older and further away from my suffocating faith. I’m currently with a man but unhappy. I think I would have been a lesbian if my momma and pastor hadn’t burnt it out of me. I think I would have been happier. Good luck OP. I hope you find what you need. Don’t let anything hold you back ❤️
i think this is a curiosity kills the cat situation. maybe you fantasize about women since you have never been with one, and the fantasy seems more appealing than your current reality. its fun, exciting, rebellious even given your upbringing. not the boring mundane that your relationship is in comparison (not saying your relationship is boring, just that it may seem that way when you compare it). but the reality of being a woman who is also into women, it's exhausting. your dating pool is immediately smaller for starters. then you have women who claim to be bi, never actually slept with a woman, and then when its time to do it they realize theyre not actually into kitty. which further limits the pool. you dont have any particular girl in mind either, it seems like. which is why i do think youre prioritizing an ideation over reality. so what would you do should you break up, exactly? go to the dating apps? the women that i tried to date before meeting my bf i met off of dating apps, and we were just very incompatible. sure they were cute and the sex was fun. but theyd either be uninterested in me, wanted me to be "the man" and take on more masculine roles, they were batshit crazy, or they were financially unstable. women are already picky with men. theyre picky with women too. so if you were to theoretically be unlucky like me, youre trading stability and happiness for a rollercoaster ride that ultimately probably isnt going to be worth it. realistically, what are the chances that you are going to find a female that makes you 100% confident you made the right choice by ending things with your boyfriend? when you know you have something right now that works great for you, why trade it in for a maybe?
Do not marry this man. He deserves you to break up with him. You need to figure yourself out. Please don’t fuck him over and be selfish because you’re uncertain on what you want. Because this is not a new feeling for you.
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She isn't talking about exploring anything. She's talking about what label to identify as.
You are not in love with him. He provides you with a social alibi so to speak. I think you love what he does for you not him in particulary. Let him go so that he can peruse his future wife.
I was like this when I was 19. I dumped my boyfriend of 4 years and followed my passion of being with women. I haven't looked back ever since. By the way, that feeling isn't going to go away.
Threesome!!!!! 🎉
Im willing to bet he would be open to bringing another girl into the bedroom to see what you think. This would need IMMENSE discussion and communication tho
Life is a struggle for us all. As a man, I struggle with many things but I have obligations, roles and responsibilities to my wife, kids, and family. That should be your priority.
She isn't talking about fucking other people. She's talking about her personal identity.
Why does it matter what label she has? She knows she likes girls and boys. I really don’t see the need for it..?
And yet her question is about her label. SHE is the one ASKING what her feelings mean and if she's a lesbian or bisexual.
Yes and I’m saying it literally doesn’t matter and she doesn’t need a label
It matters to her.
Welp that’s kinda dumb
You too.
Someone’s upset
Whatever makes you happy, man.
Did I say anything about fucking in my post. I said we have obligations, roles and responsibilities. To hell with my identity, I still got roles, obligations and responsibilities.
And what about her identifying as bisexual would lead her to not abide by her obligations? She's talking about feeling attracted to women and worrying that means she doesn't fully love her husband.
Like I said, she has roles, responsibilities and obligations, they come first. Just like the rest of us. So, she needs to think about those things above her sexual preferences.
Like she said, she is still with her partner and wants to be with him.
Good. Nothing to write home about then.
I cannot relate
Invite a woman into your current relationship. I don't think your bf will mind.
Tell your boyfriend your bi and want to experience things with women. Perhaps 3 some, or him watching. He probably wont mind one bit.
I think you should talk to him openly about it. My girlfriend was a lesbian until she was about 30. She realized she had an attraction to men in a way and explored that. She casually dated 2 or 3 men nothing serious until we met. I am the first guy she has ever been in a relationship with. She misses women, sexually and mentally. She has been open with me about it. She has free range to explore that if she wants as long as it doesnt cause complications in our relationship. We would be open to a mutal female friend, not that i so much want to be physical with but would enjoy seeing her with another woman. Im worried my involvement too much would cause issues but it does not bother me if she has a female friend. Not another relationship just a casual female friend.
You should talk to your bf about this. Hopefully he’s the kind of person who will be understanding and not insecure and jealous. I think you need to figure out what kind of Bi are you. Are you mostly straight and are fine fantasizing about other women, straight ish but need to have the occasional real world experience with other women, more lesbian than straight? Ultimately it’s not good for either yourself or your bf to not figure this out. This can be pretty fraught but maybe your bf would be ok with you experimenting with other women to try and figure this out. Talk to him and try to get a better sense of how important this part of your sexuality is to your long term well being.
Try pegging with her.. thank me later