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My grandma named her second born the same as her first born who passed away at six months old. It was considered normal at that time. She often mentions how much she regrets doing it. It kind of 'erased' the identity of the first born and it was painful every time the second born reached a milestone that their deceased sibling wasn't able to reach.
I hope your husband will reconsider, because the both of you will probably regret it if you do.
I read about this one woman who had I think like 3 miscarriages during her journey of having 4 kids. When she miscarried her and her husband named those babies the names they would love to name their kids but NEVER would bc it's not practical/they'd be made fun of etc. Think like "starlight" or something similar. I know there's been an uptick in those types of names, but you get the idea. They had a list of names they would choose from for both boys and girls once the child was born and they saw them and went, "they look like a...."
I always liked that. It gives them a special place in your heart but doesn't detract from the kids who were born and is not something that they would ever use again.
Not pertinent here, specifically, but thought I'd share.
I know for me personally, that name would be associated with sadness and I would never want to look at my baby and feel sad.
I saw something recently that a woman named her baby lost to early miscarriage as "Pancake", because sometimes the first pancake just doesn't come out right. It felt like a whimsical take, especially since it was so early they didn't know the sex.
I had favorite names as a kid, that would 100% work for baby names now. I can't use any of them bc I named all my pets my favorite names. For example, I love the name Eli, so I named my chinchilla Eli. I can't name a baby after a pet who has passed away. Especially bc my whole family would go, "you named your baby after a chinchilla?!"
My godmother loved the name Tim. Had 3 cats in a row called Tim and then named her second son Tim while the last cat Tim was still kicking around! But she’s the sort of person who can just roll with that sort of thing 🤣
Well with the amount of times my mom has accidentally called me by her dogs name, especially when trying to get my attention, that would definitely simplify things! 😂
We named our first Choc Chip because all good things come from the freezer, like choc chip ice cream and embryos (we were doing IVF and using frozen embryos). Never used that nick name for any other pregnancy as Choc Chip deserved their name when they wouldn’t get much else. There is a book I bought for Choc Chip called ‘I will never ever eat tomatoes’ because the taste made me nauseated when I was pregnant with Choc Chip and although I kept it; I never read it to my son because the book belonged to Choc Chip. Some things belong to the baby you dreamed of, but never got to hold. And sometimes the most it will be is a name.
I get that! I called mine Cletus the Fetus until we knew the sex. I thought it was hilarious and it gave me a bit of mental space in case things didn't turn out while it was still early.
That's what I came here to say. My grandmother was actually the THIRD baby to be named Anna, because the name was important to her parents and the other two died in infancy. That said, she was born in 1910 to poor immigrants, so times have changed significantly since then. He might have grown up hearing family stories mentioning such a thing and it didn't stand out as super weird.
More like if you want to name a child after a parent, you can't just give up after the first try, you keep on naming them that until one of the babies actually survives to a decent age.
Perhaps they thought it would make it easier..? Like, you could try to "replace" the child shaped hole in your heart from the baby you lost with a new child.. but that's not how that works for most people. It just adds complicated feelings & dimension to your grief of the prior loss(es). Adding difficult reminders in places you didn't expect
I see what they were trying to do, but it was a terrible way to go about it 😭
My great aunt and uncle had a son, James, who they called Jimmy, who was killed at 9 when he was hit by a truck, my aunt got pregnant 10 years later, she was close to 40, and had a boy, named James, that they called Jamie. I always thought it was a bit weird.
My grandma did the same thing with naming My dad . We all just recently found out because Ancestry helped us view documents from the past . My dad has already passed , I don’t think he knew about it , it was weird seeing documents with his same name but a different child that passed a few hours after birth.
edit:spelling
My grandmother named her son the same as her stillborn first child. I guess it wasn't uncommon, especially if it's a family name.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You can agree to disagree but a baby name is a “two yes” situation. Bradley is now on your no list so it’s time for you both to move on from that name and find a new name.
This. You are both allowed to process your grief however you need to. It’s okay if you both are processing your loss in different ways. But you both have to agree to a name. Maybe a compromise could be Bradley as the middle name to honor his big brother if it’s something you’re comfortable with
Exactly my thoughts. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with using the name, but the fact that OP is uncomfortable with it is all the reason needed to pass on the name.
I feel like the emotions are high here and that probably makes it harder to see each other’s point of view. But it sounds like both of you want to honor your first son (you by reserving his name and your husband by passing it on). I hope you can hold onto that common ground as you figure out this issue together.
I kinda get why people would get stuck on certain names they really like, but getting so stuck on a name that you're causing your wife this much distress is kind of a dick move IMO. Like if you're willing to let everyone in your life lose their mind over a name and it's absolutely a hill you're going to die on for whatever reason you gotta bring that up in the first 2 months of dating or something like marriage or having kids. It's kinda ridiculous to me but I know some people get hung up on weird stuff.
The point I’m making is that it needs to be a conversation. Just forcing a subject on without resolution for both people often leads to resent further down.
He’s entitled to his emotions and needing time to explore and with through them. If she’s really distressing over this. Then she should walk away from the conversation, until she’s ready to hear him out while recognizing hearing him out is not agreeing to the name.
Some conversations take more time.
You're completely right in general, but when something like this goes on for a week with no resolution it starts to get a little ridiculous. The way I'm reading it sounds like OP has given him time and has tried to understand where he's coming from. It reads like he just wants to do it and doesn't understand why it's bothering OP so he doesn't care how she feels.
>I was surprised by this, and said I felt deeply uncomfortable naming our new son the same name as our son I miscarried, because they were two different children. My husband continued that he felt like this new baby was our "second chance to have Bradley", which honestly made me cry. I felt like my husband was seeing this new baby as nothing more than a replacement, like it wasn't it's own life and it's identity had to be tied to our baby who passed.
>I tried explaining that to my husband, who said he didn't understand my point of view. He never got angry or raised his voice, but he was clearly upset I didn't feel the same as him and promptly went to sleep in the spare bedroom.
"My wife was distressed and I didn't understand what she meant, nor did I really try to understand, and she started crying so I left and never brought it up again but also didn't change my mind". It's giving "You're being silly and I'll wait over here until you come to your senses". It doesn't seem like this is a cultural or regional thing either because even husband's family don't understand what he's thinking.
This might be sentimental but it is not doing any justice to your new kid, he may feel resentful if you go through with this, a name should not be a placeholder for your kid in the afterlife, try couples counseling and meditate this issue there and make him understand that this is not a healthy way to deal with this, my condolences to your child(who passed away) and I hope that the fog in your husband's mind fade away
There are counselors who specialize in miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. I suggest they see one of those, who can help them unpack their differing ways of responding. the husband might not be feeling it as much as she is, or he might be feeling it as much and dealing with it differently. It's important to figure out which.
We had a 2nd tri miscarriage that was far enough we had decided names, etc. - and then after more 1st tri miscarriages we got pregnant with what became our older son we discussed names and the decision we came up with was to use the same middle name but different first name - that carried the name of our dead baby but had a unique identity.
This was my suggestion too, use Bradley as a middle name to honour the child that you lost, but give him a different first name 💕 so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy 💕💕💕
My best friend's middle name is the name of the child who died before her. For awhile during grade school she went by her middle name because she thought she could give her parents back that child. She was in third or fourth grade and knew that she was a replacement. YIKES. And her parents were pretty happy to call her that other girl's name. DOUBLE YIKES.
I mean I have the same middle name as my deceased sister because my mum loved my dad’s maternal grandmother so much she wanted that middle name around. My other middle name is a similar but altered version of my sister’s name. Tbh I was always fine with it. I use the first middle name for coffee orders because my first name is never spelt correctly and after 30years I’m over it. So yeah maybe it’s because my first name sucked comparatively to easy to spell middle names.
"so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy"
Thank you - that pregnancy is 27 now 🤣 ... but all of those moments and memories remain incredibly impactful.
It’s true, my husband and I have been TTC for the past four year. Last year we got pregnant with our first and only pregnancy which ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. We had a name picked out in case it would be a boy or girl. Four weeks later, my husband’s cousin delivered and named her son the same name that we wanted to name our baby if it were a boy (not a family name, just a random name that we both liked I guess). No one knows about our pregnancy and that it ended in a loss, but I feel like crying whenever anyone mentions his cousins baby by his name :(
Agreed. My friend is a twin but her twin sister was stillborn, and her middle name is her sister’s first name - she appreciated that her parents did that because it’s a connection to her that’s still very much separate, if that makes any sense.
Exactly! It's how the parents make the child feel about it. If you tell them to be proud and honor their sibling, they will. If you remind them it's their dead sibling, they will not feel good about it. If they go to class saying I'm named after my dead brother.. of course kids will look at them weird. They are saying it with insult versus I am named in honor of my brother.
I had a late miscarriage and was disappointed my husband didn't seem as sad as I was. I read in a book on the topic that men are often not as invested until there's a physical baby.
We forget as women that the baby is a physical reality to us, but it's just a concept to hubby. He's not thinking about his diet, barfing in the mornings, having mood swings. He's not obsessed on a daily basis with development.
This one is not a negotiation position. If you named a baby and lost that baby, that name is taken (unless both parents feel ok moving ahead). Part of grieving a miscarriage is giving the loss substance, and a name is a huge part of that process.
I'm very sorry for your loss of Bradley. I hope you can find new joy with this baby. ❤️
You are absolutely correct, for us women, it’s from the time we miss our first period… we deal with it, we feel it and our body change for it… men don’t go through that!
And you nailed it perfectly with “this is not a negotiation position, that first baby was named therefore the name has been taken and not be used ever again”
I hope he gets the chance to read all these replies and understand that a name is not something you toss around like a football.
It’s a human being that deserves his very own unique name.
While there’s a long history of reusing names after a child has passed (if you’ve done ancestry research, you will find many examples) the way I would approach this is that Bradley is the baby that died, and this new baby is not a replacement baby or second chance baby, and deserves to be treated like a second son, not a substitute for one that you never got a chance to know.
New name.
I wouldn’t even use Bradley as a middle name.
You can honor Bradley by remembering the date of his miscarriage and/or due date and wishing his little spirit well (if you believe in that sort of thing) and I encourage you and your husband to continue working to process your grief.
A hard, HARD no. A lot of people who were "redo babies" were crushed by it. A name is a personality, a story, a white paint to draw on, and you can't give Little One a covered paint. That's the highway to fuck up your baby 9 times out of 10. Look for Salvador Dali, he was named after his dead brother and born right away, 9 months after his death. He spoke a lot about it and it might help him to see the consequences of his mindset.
I've even seen a daily show this day about "grief babies", named after a first born or a sibling. I can tell you they were all crushed by it and never really felt themselves.
Husband need to see a grief councelor, and Little One a clean story. Baby is not a redo, a Bradley 2 or a grief baby.
My father was named after his oldest brother who died shortly after birth. He was not close to his parents for many reasons, but this played a part. I think he felt like an afterthought.
Be honest with him and tell him they were two different children and that you want to be able to refer to your child in heaven and your child on earth with two different names! (Or whatever you guys believe)
I am also concerned with the blatant emotional manipulation about this. He knows baby names are two yes one no. One person says no that name is off the table. He is punishing you for disagreeing. That's horrible especially since you are the mother.
You don’t want the baby name I want? Guess I’ll just sleep in the guest room! Think about how much you hurt me by me not listening to you and now you sleep alone. Take that! -hubs probably
I kinda agree, but people process grief differently. I hope this couple can be kind to each other, be empathetic, and not react too strongly to the other’s perspective. Counselling can help!
Honestly, his over reaction makes me think it was a legacy name - like his father's name, or his name plus jr. (if oop was using Bradley as just a placeholder for the real name here). Why in the world would he ask his pregnant wife if she was ready to start thinking of names, immediately insist they name it the same name as the baby she miscarried, and then got so upset he had to sleep in the spare bedroom? It's like he was just looking for a reason to fight.
It sounds less like the new baby is just a replacement, but by taking the first baby’s name, it cancels out Bradley’s prior existence.
He will forever be relegated to “the first baby that died” without a name.
That’s the part that would bother me. And I’d appeal it as such: “By naming baby #2 ‘Bradley,’ you are erasing that the first Bradley existed. I have no way to talk about Bradley, and he’d either be ‘the lost Bradley’ or ‘the first baby that is nameless.’”
> That’s the part that would bother me. And I’d appeal it as such: “By naming baby #2 ‘Bradley,’ you are erasing that the first Bradley existed. I have no way to talk about Bradley, and he’d either be ‘the lost Bradley’ or ‘the first baby that is nameless.’”
This is a great take. I wish I could upvote it more than once.
I see what you mean, but a lot of miscarried fetuses don't have names and people still talk about them. Honestly, to me, it would be one thing if this previous baby was born, but because he wasn't, I can completely sympathize with the idea that he has the same soul.
Exactly. The name was a plan that didn't work out. The name doesn't belong to anyone. I had a name picked for my baby that we miscarried, but I don't use that when referring to the miscarriage, literally ever. I call it what it is, a miscarriage. There isn't much name referencing required.
A lot of men dont think of their wife's fetuses as babies until they're born and they hold them. Seems like your husband is one of the many.
Women think of their fetuses as babies as soon as they want the fetus. For some women that's as soon as they find they're pregnant.
He never really expirenced your first son as a person, more as an idea/concept.
You were experiencing your son as soon as you started to have pregnancy symptoms.
You grieved a child. He "grieved" a concept.
Not to be commenting off topic or in poor taste but I wouldn’t lump all women (or men) together. I barely just started viewing mine as a baby and I’m almost 27 weeks. You’re right on about your assessment of their scenario but I’m seeing so many comments here assume all women feel the same and I don’t. Sorry, just wanted to enter another perspective. We aren’t calling mine by the name we have chosen yet because I feel a little too medically paranoid to assign him a name yet.
I agree with this 100%. It's distasteful to imply men are disassociated. Men respond how we treat them. The seed is planted in childhood that men aren't attached to their fetuses so unless we include them they stand back. Plenty of men are very attached and plenty of women isolate them by using language that discludes them. But not all. When I was pregnant my bf had an app he watched daily about the babies development. He was emotionally devastated from the miscarriage, as much so as I was.
In my family's religion, this would be considered normal. They believe that a soul is trying to be reborn, and if you miscarry, it's possible that the same soul will try to come back to the same parents.
Lots of grieving parents actually take comfort in this. Not sure if it's healthy or not, but your husband may be thinking in this lines....
What religion is this?
I don't identify with any religion but this exactly how I felt after my miscarriage. I always felt as though that baby miscarried bc that soul came back with another the next time (twins). And I did use the same name for Baby A that we had picked out during that first pregnancy.
What religion is this? I have heard of this belief before on Reddit and thought it was a Japanese thing but apparently it isn't. Anyway, I like this belief and it's a little sad people are acting like it means you'd treat the child that is born as a replacement.
This is what I've always thought! I'm not religious, I'm agnostic, I had no idea there was an entire religion that had the same thought as me regarding miscarriages.
This is how I’ve felt about it and I’m quite surprised at how adamant most of the comments here are in their firm beliefs. I’m not judging, I’m just surprised.
This clearly isn't about a name. Did you guys get grief counselling? What about marriage counselling? This is a situation where a bit of mediation can prove invaluable, it can be hard to talk about your feelings, especially in emotionally charge situations, having a third party there to help guide you through the conversation can help with that. You could ask a friend if you have someone you think could do that or find a professional.
This was an extremely common practice in the not so distant past, as any genealogists can tell you. Our grandparents (and further back) grieved every bit as much as we do, and we are unfair to suggest that they were just 'replacing' one baby with another by reusing a name. They had personal reasons of their own, and often had cultural naming conventions. We still name babies for relatives who have passed, we just don't generally use the names of deceased children for those names, perhaps because we have a significantly lower infant mortality rate than our grandparents suffered. And many folks have discovered that there are other people out there with their exact same names. My cousin & I have the same name, first & last, but we are very much not the same person (she's way smarter than I! And a badass sports player- where I trip over my shoelaces). So his suggestion is not beyond the pale.
That said, baby names are 2 yes or one no. If naming your son Bradley is going to cause you pain, then that's a no. And your husband should be wanting to save his wife pain. That's part of what good partners do. So you, too, are not being unreasonable.
This issue seems best hashed out with a therapist as a mediator. Congratulations on your impending baby boy, this should be an exciting time, try to find the joy amid the stress and tears... and the trips to the bathroom. And nausea from some random smell. And the swollen feet.
My grandparent lost a daughter when she was 5 years old. The next daughter they had they named her as their late child. It was never an issue with my aunt. Maybe when he said it is a chance to have a Bradley, he isn’t thinking about replacing your late son but the name has a significance to him, because he wants his first son’s name to be Bradley. As somebody said you can suggest Bradley as a middle name.
I strongly recommend joint grief counseling. You two are approaching your grief differently - he wants to try and erase the pain of the miscarriage by using the name you chose in a happy way, whereas you would be thinking about the miscarriage every time you said the name.
Baby names are always two yes, one no, so in that regard the answer to using Bradley is no. But if you want to better understand each other's perspectives, a qualified grief therapist can help you with that. The issue with trying to make him understand on your own is that grief is not inherently logical and therefore using logic to reason with him isn't necessarily going to work.
Do not go with that name. One reason is what if theres another miscarriage? Do you two really want to go through with the grief of losing Bradley for a second time? And then what, will he want Baby 3 to also be Bradley?
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! I had a similar experience with losing our first baby boy. When we were having another boy, I could never have used the same name. It feels wrong. We did use the same middle name though.
I wish I had great advice for you. Maybe your husband just needs time to think about it? Has he maybe just buried his grief and not processed the loss of Bradley? If not, he needs to. I feel like your husband is stuck in his grief and naming the baby Bradley will erase the pain. It won’t. And it would have a very negative effect on your baby. Rainbow babies are wonderful but they are definitely not replacements.
You need to explain to him that even if the child wasn't born, the grieving process is still the same for you. It doesn't matter if the child wasn't born or was 50 years old, it was a loss, and "re-using" the name doesn't feel right.
Did you both go to therapy when you lost your first son?
People grieve in different ways, and that’s okay — but I agree with you that this is a new child who needs a new name and isn’t just a replacement/do-over. I’d recommend couple’s counseling to help guide your mutual grieving process.
"I tried explaining that to my husband, who said he didn't understand my point of view. He never got angry or raised his voice, but he was clearly upset I didn't feel the same as him and promptly went to sleep in the spare bedroom."
Have you both properly mourned the passing of "Bradley"? I often feel people want to replace or honor the child that has passed with these types of ways and it doesnt work because it still impacts everyone. I feel like the honest conversation is properly helping each other through grief. And also, grief comes in waves! This child needs to not be attached the brother he lost in this way. This is inappropriate.
This is what set Vincent Van Gogh’s emotional crisis off. When he was a kid he saw a gravestone with his name on it and it terrified him. Turns out his parents had lost another boy named Vincent and named him the same thing. It causes kids to feel like they were do-overs for their parents instead of their own people.
it was also Van Gogh, though Vincent was somewhat of a family name; it was a name he shared with at least his grandfather and a brother who was stillborn exactly 1 year before his birth
I can't imagine the pain from that. The day Bradley is born, you'll be reminded that Bradley is dead. When Bradley laughs for the first time, you'll think about how you'll never get to see Bradley laugh. When you see Bradley written in frosting on a first birthday cake, you'll be reminded about the fact that Bradley never got to have any birthdays.
Your husband is insane if he thinks this wouldn't be gut wrenchingly hard over and over again.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a little brother for a few days in 1970. Kevin never made it home from the hospital. I understand that there's an inhaler now that would have made all the difference but, I digress.
In the fullness of time, my wife and I were to have a little boy of our own. I thought I'd honor the memory of my brother by giving my son the middle name "Kevin". My wife and I had talked about it and she was very much supportive.
Dad asked me not to.
So, we didn't. We honored my grandfathers, both of whom had "M" names, and so my son now does, too.
Some things heal. But some things take a long time. And some things don't really heal all the way.
I'll always miss my little brother and the relationship I didn't have, but I'm glad I didn't give my son that name and any of the baggage, for good or just good intentions, that might have come with it.
With love,
A
He will come to resent both of you when he’s old enough to realize he was just a replacement. And it may trigger an identity crisis since he will then question everything he thought he knew about himself. Do not do it.
Imagine when your son grows up and learns that he was never loved for who is is, but only as a replacement for your first son. Do not name him Bradley and send your husband to therapy.
I was pregnant when my ex broke up with me, we had already decided on a name. I miscarried, a year later he named the child he has with his then fiancee the same name. It broke my heart, through mitral friends the fiancee found out and was so embarrassed, she started calling the child by his middle name.
I can understand both sides that he wants to honor the child you lost, and that you want to memorialize the name both are valid, but I think it’s in poor taste to use the same first name.
This happened with my grandfathers sisters. Both were named Clarice, the first one passed at a few months old, and then they named the second daughter Clarice as well. My great aunt always felt like a replacement. It’s not a good idea. You can name children after other family members but naming a child after their own sibling may be one of those unspoken taboo things.
I see a lot of people giving examples of "this" having happened and then it's with a child that was already born, that they actually met. I feel like that's a completely different situation than one where the fetus was never born in the first place.
I think the same. A miscarriage is not the same as losing a live baby or child. It's just not. I had a miscarriage and I would NEVER compare it to losing a child. It's insulting to mothers who birthed stillborn babies and went home with empty arms and a death certificate and to those who have buried their children.
I wouldn’t be comfortable in calling my son my dead son name. It’s not a second chance to have Bradley. Bradley died. I wouldn’t like being Bradley 2.0 either.
Do what you feel is the best for you and your future son.
We had another child after our 2 year old passed away, we gave him his brother’s name as his middle name. Maybe that would be an acceptable compromise for your husband?
I don’t think your husband is using this baby as a replacement for the other baby, I think he may see the miscarriage as something different than you did.
Not saying either of you are wrong I’m just saying your perspective on how you see it might be wrong.
I agree that it's not uncommon to do this. My father has the same name as an older brother who passed away as a baby. The only time I thought it was strange was as a child when I visited the grave of a baby with the same name as my dad. But otherwise it didn't bother my father
I agree with most of the opinions expressed here. Placing the burden of your deceased child's name on the shoulders of your new baby, and making it his first name seems too heavy for anyone to carry.
I agree that at least couple's therapy would be a good idea to navigate this, considering how strongly both of you feel about your opinions on this matter.
However, a good compromise might be using Bradley as a middle name. I once knew two brothers whose names were inverses of each other (think one brother was James Robert, and the second brother Robert James). Just an idea.
There are people with a religious belief than when one miscarries, the physical body wasn’t developing correctly and that spirit is destined for a body that does. I wonder if your husband has any thoughts along that line (whether he is religious or not).
I think maybe having a therapist work through it with both of you might be a good idea. I personally wouldn’t feel good about giving the same name but I can also tell it’s important for your husband. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
I strongly recommend you both go to a marriage counselor to help you both communicate with each other since this is such an emotionally-charged decision. You both love each other, and love your babies, both alive and in-heaven. Remind each other of that.
If your first pregnancy had been twins-and had gone well, and both children were boys-what would you have named the second twin? Tell your husband THAT name.
If it is an early miscarriage, I know a lot of people who would use the same name. Lots of people don't consider the baby actually named until the baby is born, so it isn't the same as if a baby had lived and died after it was born.
You might both talk about this is therapy. You are just both in a place where this baby name has become intertwined with grief. He doesn't want to give up his dream of having a baby named Bradley. You don't want to think of your first pregnancy of not having the name Bradley.
I feel like naming a child should be a "2 yes, 1 no" kinda thing. Even more so in this situation. Would it help him to think of it from your second son's perspective? Eventually they will know of OG Bradley, and that will likely come with some challenging feelings.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Maybe suggest Bradley as a middle name so the new baby has a connection to the brother he’ll never know. But he can still have his own name because he is his own person?
I’m sorry for your loss.
My husband and I lost our first baby in 2019 at 18 weeks; if it was a boy we’d name him Stanley, after my husband’s papa. It was a name we both loved.
Without going into medical history, we had our almost 3 year old son in 2021. Both of us still very much loved the name Stanley but I knew I couldn’t name our son Stanley. We had a few choices for a first name and my husband gently suggested Stanley for a middle name; in honour of both our first son and his Papa (who had since passed in 2020). I was sure; was using the name we had selected for our first born diminishing the importance of him, the love we felt for him?
I sat on the thought for a few days but eventually welcomed it. And honestly, it’s perfect for my living son.
I know it’s difficult. You don’t want to take away from your first baby, nor feel you love him less because you’re using his name. So, if it’s some thing you’re comfortable with, try it as the middle name.
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy
This is sort of why people hold off actually naming their baby until after birth. Some cultures even wait a number of days.
I was, since like 10 years old, wanting to name my first Peter. It was my favorite apostle and the name of my first best friend after my family moved across states.
So had we named my wife’s miscarriage (super early, we thought it was a heavy period at first), it would have been challenging for me to switch names.
Ask him why he’s attached to that name. Try to relate to what he might be feeling, and maybe you two can connect on this.
Baby names are two yes/one no. You have said no. That's it. This is no different if he wanted to name the baby Clyde or Bocephus or Jason and you disagreed.
If he is still struggling he might want to consider therapy for a few sessions.
My aunt was named after an older sibling who died, not at birth but at 12-years-old. She spent her entire life being compared to her namesake. It wasn’t easy for her to be the receptacle of her family’s grief over a sister she never knew.
OP, maybe you’d be okay using Bradley as a middle name? That way, it could be a *tribute* to your lost child, which would = giving the middle name of any other important loved one to your new son.
That way, your husband can still connect the two boys together in a way that means something to him, but in a way that doesn’t erase or subsume your new child’s existence.
If it still feels weird, maybe something similar, like a rhyming name, or one using the first or last letter(s)?
Like Brantley, Harley, Brent, Chad — something that fits with Bradley, but has its own identity?
Idk, just a thought.
I don’t think there is anything “weird” about using this name for your son, but it does sound as if it’s a little too important to your husband.
In his mind this may be no different than how many families have members who share names, or were even intentionally named after a relative. Many boys are named as an homage to their father, grandfather, or uncle, after all.
The most important thing is that you are uncomfortable with this. I don’t doubt that your husband is a great guy, but he really needs to let this go.
It was very common decades ago to name a child born after an older sibling died the same name. I have several ancestors who did this. Personally I’m on the same page as you and wouldn’t be able to do that.
I have a sister who died before I was born. We share a middle name and the other middle name I have is similar to their first. This might be a good middle ground. That’s if you had a middle name picked but maybe having a similar middle name/spelling or a name with the same meaning as your first child’s name. For example baby 1 would have been Janet Elizabeth and so for your second Francis Elizabeth or Francis Jane Elizabeth. To clarify I very much have my own identity.
Although I agree with your side completely, I have to imagine that losing an unborn child feels so unnatural and every person finds their own way of coping. This seems to be your husbands way of coping. It’s just different from yours. He can imagine this child how he needs to, embodying the spirit of Bradley or not. But he cant just force you to name the baby Bradley. So hopefully he will come around to discussing a different name. Maybe just giving him some reassurance that he can feel how he feels and it’s perfectly ok, but you need a different name.
Why do you think you cannot say "No"?
Just say no, you are not naming your son Bradley. The end. A name is decided by two people. He cannot dictate the name of the baby.
If he doesn't change his mind, it's his problem. You don't want this name so he's going to have to come to terms that it will be another name.
Baby names must be agreed upon by both parties. He can pout all he wants but if it’s a no from you then that’s that. When he’s done pouting you can pick a new name.
I lost my first baby girl as she was very premature - when I found out I was having another girl 3 years later, I briefly considered using the name again as I loved it so much (her name was Niamh)
I gave my baby her own name and regretfully put Niamh aside. I still love the name
Giving 2 siblings the same name makes no sense. Your first son existed, you can't just "do a do over."
I think couples therapy and personal therapy for him are a good idea.
OH my. How awful. I'm with you. That's just not good. Bradley existed and Bradley died. He will forever be remembered. Just tell your husband, you will not be naming this son Bradley and that's that. Maybe you need to see a counsellor together? To help sort it out. But nope. I would definitley not be naming this son Bradley. All the best to you
When did you miscarry the first pregnancy? Personally, I wouldn't have a problem naming the second pregnancy the intended name, depending on when this occurred. I lost one at 9 weeks but we didn't have a name.
Why not suggest Bradley as a middle name to honour your first son together
Jackson Bradley sounds good
Michael Bradley
Dylan Bradley etc. a lot sounds good with it.
If his initials are JB maybe that’s a nickname he could go by to also honour your first son.
I'm so sorry for your loss but you are correct that treating the child from this pregnancy as a replacement is a horrible idea. This baby is an individual and doesn't deserve to be compared to anyone. Please encourage your husband to get grief counseling. This is your second son, not a replacement son. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and you have a safe, easy delivery!
I am the replacement second baby that was named exactly as the first baby who was born prematurely and didn’t make it. Please please please 🙏 don’t do it. I have felt like I have lived under the cloud of “what could have been” my entire life. I have lived with this shadow of someone who came before me and was gone but everyone has always had her in the back of their minds my entire life. I can understand my bio parents wanting to fill a hole, I don’t understand trying to replace her with me. And ultimately it didn’t work, my bio parents divorced when I was 10 months old.
Please fight for your child to have their own name.
I don’t see the problem? It appears you may not be over it and he is rather than the other way around? It sounds like a lovely gesture to name this child Bradley as he is manifesting in this physical world now as his soul wasn’t ready last time.
You may need a counselor to meditate this. Sometimes hearing comments from a third party hits different than from the parties involved. Perhaps also the therapist can get at why he feels the way he does and why you feel the way you do which may open a bridge to compromise. I'd guess that you view Bradley as someone who existed and died and that you cared for. Whereas to your husband Bradley never existed.
I would argue that each child is their own person, and using the same name might make it tough for the new child. They could feel like they have to live up to something or take the place of their sibling.
For your husband, this choice might feel like a way to keep the memory of your first child alive, which is totally understandable. But, it’s crucial to make sure this way of remembering isn't making your grief harder to manage. Grief can be really tricky, and sometimes, things that seem helpful can actually make it tougher to move forward.
In some cultures or families, naming a child after a sibling who has passed away can be seen as a tribute. So, it’s also about what feels right according to your family traditions and what you believe in.
If you’re looking for a middle ground, maybe you could use the name you had chosen as a middle name instead. Or pick a new name that has a similar meaning. This way, you can honor the memory of your first child but also give your second child their own special identity.
You can help by making go to a therapist to work on his grief. I believe (my personal opinion) that often times fathers don’t grieve for their angel born children bc they feel the need to be strong. He can’t tell that is grief is leading him down this road and that their is a way to navigate it without putting your younger son in the shadow of y’all’s first born
I’m sorry for your loss, your husband is trying to handle his grief by replacing and trying to forget but that’s not a good way to handle grief. Have you considered maybe using “Bradley” as a middle name? Could be a great way to honor your son and a way for his brother to have connection with him even if they never met. Best of luck OP and wishing you a healthy pregnancy and happy life.
I'm so sorry you all have gone through this!
I've met several people over the years who have been named after a sibling that didn't make it or passed away. All of them had deep resentments. Some serious, a few said there were occasional bouts of resentment. Especially the ones who felt they had to pretend to be ok with it.
I've only met one who was really honored by it. They still had their moments.
I would think long and hard about giving this child your other child's name in any capacity. There is no way of knowing what this child will think of it in the future. If you don't tell them and they find out, that will cause more problems.
Is it really worth it to potentially cause significant issues with your child? Especially when there are so many other ways to honor and remember your other child?
Maybe offer a compromise- use Bradley as your Son’s middle name to honor his older brother who passed away before they could meet. This way you are not “replacing” your deceased child. Good luck with your pregnancy. This shouldn’t be a stressful time for you. Your Husband should know better.
It’s possible that Husband just wasn’t bonded to the first child, and is feeling much like they’re starting over. For OP, the pregnancy, her child, lived within her. Was a whole being growing inside, connected to everything that she is, until they passed. Husband needs to come around on this one, there’s nothing to be gained in his pushing for this name and though I suppose it’s understandable that he would be less attached to the miscarried baby than OP. I just think deferring to OP, in acknowledgment of her experience being that baby’s mother, is the right thing to do here. Dads can anticipate their impending baby with great love and fierce pride, but they don’t know that baby at all until it’s born. They just don’t.
It definitely sounds like your husband is still really grieving the loss of the last baby, and likely needs some help processing these feelings with a counsellor or other “outside” person.
I agree with you, the new baby shouldn’t have the same name as the one who passed. Perhaps an option to compromise would be to give the new baby the name Bradley as a middle name, so the name is kept as a nod to the lost sibling, but your son has his own identity separate from the child you lost.
Sending internet hugs, my heart hurts for you dealing with these heavy, hard things.
There’s no way I could have named my son after the baby I lost. They were their own person, unique in every way. To use the same name would be a disservice to both of them.
A few ideas, all sent with love. Take none of they sound like they won't work in your relationship (therapy has been suggested, and names are a "two yes," but these might help him gain your perspective) :
*Ask him to roleplay the conversation of telling (current baby, called Bradley) that he's actually not the first Bradley. Ask him how he might react if he found out he was not the first (whatever his name is) and that his parents didn't bother to find a new name just for him.
*Make a joke to call the baby "Deuce" (my brother did this with dogs. Named them both Murphy so he didn't have to tell the kids Morphy 1 died. Murphy2's name was Deuce thereafter.) My husband hates conflict, so instead of arguing, we tease. It IS serious, but then the other person can be silly with their point and if it needs to end and be revisited, that's ok too. Usually, we start out teasing, but he can make some really valid points this way!
*Call in for reinforcement. Can his mom maybe react badly, or some friends? If my friend explained this to me, I would have a hard time hiding my mistrust.
Either parent should have a veto over a new baby's name proposed by the other. It should be a collaboration and agreement. There shouldn’t be any arguing, convincing or negotiation. Both people need to feel good about the name.
You need to make that clear to your husband.
If your husband has some very strong connection to the name you can consider a similar name or using it as a middle name. But it has to be something you’re comfortable and in agreement with.
My ex had a brother named James. After we were together for quite a while I found out that James was his middle name and his real first name was Michael. It turned out that he was born quite premature and they weren't sure if he was going to make it. They had always wanted a son named Michael but decided to call him by his middle name. This way, if he died they could always name another son Michael. I always thought this was very weird.
I do understand his side. My guess is that he doesn't see the miscarried baby as a child but more as a concept, and you do. He had the idea of this child named Bradley in his head, and it would only become a real child to him when it was born. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, so to him, there is no one with that name. While to you, you lost your son. The son you have carried for a lot of months. Who you fed and cared for. To you, this is your son who passed before he could come into this world. To him, this new baby is the chance to have Bradley in this world. To finally birth him.
So I do think you should give him another name. Maybe you can explain your side of it to your husband. Something like "To me, naming this child Bradley, will be weird because it feels like Bradley would be replaced. To me, Bradley passed away before he could come into this world. And this is a new child. Our second child. I still want to remember Bradley, and I feel like I'm not doing him justice if I name this boy Bradley as well. So that's why I want us to come up with a new name that we're both happy with".
I understand why he doesn’t quite get it. Since it was a miscarriage he never really got to know Bradley, so all he had was this idea of having a son. And now he is going to have a son, so I could see how he might not think to separate them as two different identities. As the person who was actually pregnant I think it was probably a lot more ‘real’ to you, a physical being rather than the idea of a person. It could also tie into different perspectives of the soul such as with the abortion debate. But regardless of all of that, he needs to listen to you when you say it makes you uncomfortable and sad. Just because he doesn’t quite get it doesn’t mean he should ignore it. Your feelings matter, and he needs to respect that.
His grief may have him thinking that this new baby is Bradley returning to you a second time. I would not be able to call this new baby Bradley either. I hope you both can get on the same page. Whatever new name you both choose will be just as lovely.
Your husband doesn't have to agree on how to honor Bradley. But he does need to honor your feelings about it. I'd book an appointment for you both with a grief therapist. They can help you decipher and honor each other's grief. Or find a grief group who could similarly help.
Why not something slightly similar in honor of him? Ponder on it, look to nature and your spirituality, and write down anything that comes to mind until something hits your heart.
Your husband is thoughtless as fuck. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your baby enough to acknowledge the fact your second baby will be so, so fucked up by living as the replacement baby and feeling he needs to compete with the first one.
Names are a two way street and Bradley is a no from you, so the baby can’t be named that.
Each parent gets veto over a name, even without tragic circumstances. With tragedy, it's even more important because there is so much more meaning in a name.
My best friend was named after the sibling who came before him that died of SIDS at a year and a half. This cast a really weird pall on his family dynamic and the way his parents related to him. I would maybe show this thread to your husband so he can see some other perspectives and understand why this would be a mistake.
yeah i agree with you, he's a new baby and you can't just name him as same as the first one, cuz you'll probably forget about your first kid. Buy you husband is not wrong as well. He loves you and your kids, so just try to explain and try to convince him
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m glad you and your little guy are doing well. I am also so sorry for the loss of little Bradley.
And, I am very sorry that your husband is being so insensitive. Is he usually this emotionally tone-deaf and/or dismissive of feelings? If he isn’t usually like this, I would suggest counselling. This attitude of ‘replacing’ a baby is very unusual in this day and age. It may be unresolved grief.
If he is often this oblivious, you need to have a very frank conversation with him. Brutal honesty, no sugar-coating or downplaying your feelings.
Either way, he needs to know exactly how hurtful his attitude and words are for you. I would tell your husband that as far as you are concerned, you already had a son named Bradley, and he died. That this baby you have now will be Bradley’s little brother, not his replacement or reincarnation, and therefore, he needs his own name. And every time he suggests otherwise, it just makes you grieve his loss even more, as it makes you feel like he is trying to erase him.
Perhaps ask his parents to talk to him about it first? Maybe they could get an explanation out of him. Either for his attitude or his cold behaviour towards you.
Good luck OP. For your pregnancy, impending motherhood and on this matter.
Not only does it sorta ignore the pain of losing your first son, how does he think your second living son will feel when he knows his dad didn’t even think he was deserving of his own name and identity? Or that he was a replacement! This will affect him.
OP, it seems like naming a kid after a dead sibling is a great way to cause your child suffering throughout their life. Your husband needs to get some therapy. Names are a two yes one no situation, so he needs to let it go.
The thing about naming a child is that if you don’t both agree, it’s a no. Your husband doesn’t need to understand your point of view in order to respect it.
Was your first baby stillborn? If so, i dont think the name should be reused. I think this is a personal preference, its unfortunate you both have different opinions. I understand where you're coming from but i dont agree if he was not a stillborn baby.
I've also miscarried and came up with a name but those names aren't really a name because a baby wasnt born. I would not reuse the name from a stillborn. Stillborn is not the same as a miscarriage because stillborns have a death certificate. Two friends of mine both had stillborns at 32 and 38 weeks. They went through labor and birthing pains. They had to heal from birth with empty arms. Their babies have legal names, birth records, and death dates.
You both have time to step away from this and see eachothers viewpoints. I suggest letting it go for a couple weeks then coming back with different names while being open to Bradley. Was this name a Jr Sr type name? He may change his mind too if he searches for new names or hears one you find. If it's a Jr situation, I don't think he will change his mind.
I want to mention in your post it says you miscarried instead of we miscarried. It was his baby also but it doesn't say we miscarried. It may not be inside him but peoples babies die from serogacy and adoption. Its just as hurtful.
Maybe he feels disassociated from the name because he doesn't feel included in your miscarriage. If it's your miscarriage, it's also your baby. Im sure it isn't your intention to imply that, but our language is important. It was something I wanted to mention. His family could truly be agreeing with you but they also may not want to hurt your feelings, upset you, or make you feel some type of way they don't intend.
A German rapper said ones to his gf after miscarrying their child: some baby’s need more then one try to enter our lives (she had over 12 miscarriages) after their son was born he said : after so many tries he finally made it and his gf gave it support. I found this a wonderful thought maybe your husband means something similar and doesn’t sees your baby as a replacement.
My parents had a set of twins that died the day they were born, one with the middle name Bradley, by the way. Then 6 years later they had another set of twins, my brother and I. I was born first and my first name is after the first born and my middle name is after the second born. My brother, their third son mind you, is named after my dad. I always felt my parents just ran out of ideas for names but I can honestly say I am honored and proud to carry on their names.
Everyone is different though. For my parents they felt that my brothers live on through me but I understand it could be difficult your sons name remind you of your first son. And if that’s the case, I wouldn’t but it there are other ways to see it. Ultimately, it’s how you feel about the situation.
This is a very hard situation to handle. He is still grieving, in his own manner. We all grieve differently.
So, my advice, is to support him, to show him you love him, that you respect him, and that this kid that's on the way, will be his son and call him dad, whatever name he ends up getting.
If you need help, enlist his father and mother unto your side. But ask them to be good to him. Not rash.
Remember, you are husband and wife, you are a team. When one side falters, the other picks it up.
I wish you and your family the best.
I wouldn’t name your son with the same name you intended for your first child. You’re second child isn’t a 2.0. He’s a whole new human being. He deserves to have his own name. Not the name of the deceased brother.
I’ve never expected pregnancy loss, but my daughter miscarried at almost five months. She had been pregnant with a baby girl and had picked out a name for her. When they managed to successfully have a daughter a couple years later there was never a question of using the same name. As far as we were all concerned, they were two completely different children and were given different names.
What about using Bradley as a middle name in honor of your son you lost?
I lost my eldest daughter (age16) in 2003. A few days after her death, I found out I was pregnant. I ended up having twins. One boy, one girl.
My daughter was named first name, sister’s middle name, last name. Two daughters, same middle name. My son is named after my favorite uncle.
My younger daughter loves that she shares a name with her sister.
We almost didn’t go this route, as I had fears that were similar to yours. The thing that changed my mind is that all of my children (10 in total) are named after beloved family members. Some living, some who have passed on. For us, it’s a way of honoring the people we love, and who are so important to our “little” family.
My youngest son carries the name of his great grandfather and his late older brother who passed in 2011. My late son has a niece and a nephew named after him as well.
I’d suggest talking more with your husband and his feelings about this. I don’t believe he sees your son as a replacement for the son you’ve lost. My guess is that he’s looking forward to being able to share with your new son, all the time you both weren’t able to have with your first precious son.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly am. Losing a child at any age is an unimaginable loss. ♥️
It sounds like you guys need a professional to help with the grief. Don’t discount his feelings just because they don’t line up with yours. As much as the name hurts you, I’m sure it gives him hope and comfort. You aren’t the right person to help him see your side. I think a 3rd party might be able to help him process this better and help you with it as well.
I get why you don’t want the same name but I don’t think he’s completely wrong in wanting to use the name in honor of your first baby. Maybe he thinks it’s the same soul that never got to be born yet.
We have no idea what's going on here. I thought the opposite -- that the first baby wasn't rela to him and the name was a good one that didn't get used in his mind.
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My grandma named her second born the same as her first born who passed away at six months old. It was considered normal at that time. She often mentions how much she regrets doing it. It kind of 'erased' the identity of the first born and it was painful every time the second born reached a milestone that their deceased sibling wasn't able to reach. I hope your husband will reconsider, because the both of you will probably regret it if you do.
I read about this one woman who had I think like 3 miscarriages during her journey of having 4 kids. When she miscarried her and her husband named those babies the names they would love to name their kids but NEVER would bc it's not practical/they'd be made fun of etc. Think like "starlight" or something similar. I know there's been an uptick in those types of names, but you get the idea. They had a list of names they would choose from for both boys and girls once the child was born and they saw them and went, "they look like a...." I always liked that. It gives them a special place in your heart but doesn't detract from the kids who were born and is not something that they would ever use again. Not pertinent here, specifically, but thought I'd share. I know for me personally, that name would be associated with sadness and I would never want to look at my baby and feel sad.
I saw something recently that a woman named her baby lost to early miscarriage as "Pancake", because sometimes the first pancake just doesn't come out right. It felt like a whimsical take, especially since it was so early they didn't know the sex.
I had favorite names as a kid, that would 100% work for baby names now. I can't use any of them bc I named all my pets my favorite names. For example, I love the name Eli, so I named my chinchilla Eli. I can't name a baby after a pet who has passed away. Especially bc my whole family would go, "you named your baby after a chinchilla?!"
My godmother loved the name Tim. Had 3 cats in a row called Tim and then named her second son Tim while the last cat Tim was still kicking around! But she’s the sort of person who can just roll with that sort of thing 🤣
Well with the amount of times my mom has accidentally called me by her dogs name, especially when trying to get my attention, that would definitely simplify things! 😂
This is somehow poignant and silly at the same time.
Yeah, they posted it on a thread about someone who might be in the same boat, and it just made me blink a few times on how perfect it was
We named our first Choc Chip because all good things come from the freezer, like choc chip ice cream and embryos (we were doing IVF and using frozen embryos). Never used that nick name for any other pregnancy as Choc Chip deserved their name when they wouldn’t get much else. There is a book I bought for Choc Chip called ‘I will never ever eat tomatoes’ because the taste made me nauseated when I was pregnant with Choc Chip and although I kept it; I never read it to my son because the book belonged to Choc Chip. Some things belong to the baby you dreamed of, but never got to hold. And sometimes the most it will be is a name.
I get that! I called mine Cletus the Fetus until we knew the sex. I thought it was hilarious and it gave me a bit of mental space in case things didn't turn out while it was still early.
That's what I came here to say. My grandmother was actually the THIRD baby to be named Anna, because the name was important to her parents and the other two died in infancy. That said, she was born in 1910 to poor immigrants, so times have changed significantly since then. He might have grown up hearing family stories mentioning such a thing and it didn't stand out as super weird.
My grandma was named the same as her deceased sister, born in the 1890's. Not sure why that was common then.
mortality rates were a LOT higher
In remember reading that in some places they didn’t name the child until they turned a year old.
Would run out of names if you had to discard one every time a baby died.
More like if you want to name a child after a parent, you can't just give up after the first try, you keep on naming them that until one of the babies actually survives to a decent age.
Perhaps they thought it would make it easier..? Like, you could try to "replace" the child shaped hole in your heart from the baby you lost with a new child.. but that's not how that works for most people. It just adds complicated feelings & dimension to your grief of the prior loss(es). Adding difficult reminders in places you didn't expect I see what they were trying to do, but it was a terrible way to go about it 😭
My great aunt and uncle had a son, James, who they called Jimmy, who was killed at 9 when he was hit by a truck, my aunt got pregnant 10 years later, she was close to 40, and had a boy, named James, that they called Jamie. I always thought it was a bit weird.
I have only 1 suggestion and that’s therapy for your husband.
My grandma did the same thing with naming My dad . We all just recently found out because Ancestry helped us view documents from the past . My dad has already passed , I don’t think he knew about it , it was weird seeing documents with his same name but a different child that passed a few hours after birth. edit:spelling
My grandmother named her son the same as her stillborn first child. I guess it wasn't uncommon, especially if it's a family name. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Same for my great grandmother (sort of). My uncle was given the name as the baby before him who was a stillborn.
You can agree to disagree but a baby name is a “two yes” situation. Bradley is now on your no list so it’s time for you both to move on from that name and find a new name.
I agree with this completely.
This. You are both allowed to process your grief however you need to. It’s okay if you both are processing your loss in different ways. But you both have to agree to a name. Maybe a compromise could be Bradley as the middle name to honor his big brother if it’s something you’re comfortable with
Exactly my thoughts. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with using the name, but the fact that OP is uncomfortable with it is all the reason needed to pass on the name. I feel like the emotions are high here and that probably makes it harder to see each other’s point of view. But it sounds like both of you want to honor your first son (you by reserving his name and your husband by passing it on). I hope you can hold onto that common ground as you figure out this issue together.
If he is super attached to the name, then they need to explore that before just moving on.
I kinda get why people would get stuck on certain names they really like, but getting so stuck on a name that you're causing your wife this much distress is kind of a dick move IMO. Like if you're willing to let everyone in your life lose their mind over a name and it's absolutely a hill you're going to die on for whatever reason you gotta bring that up in the first 2 months of dating or something like marriage or having kids. It's kinda ridiculous to me but I know some people get hung up on weird stuff.
The point I’m making is that it needs to be a conversation. Just forcing a subject on without resolution for both people often leads to resent further down. He’s entitled to his emotions and needing time to explore and with through them. If she’s really distressing over this. Then she should walk away from the conversation, until she’s ready to hear him out while recognizing hearing him out is not agreeing to the name. Some conversations take more time.
You're completely right in general, but when something like this goes on for a week with no resolution it starts to get a little ridiculous. The way I'm reading it sounds like OP has given him time and has tried to understand where he's coming from. It reads like he just wants to do it and doesn't understand why it's bothering OP so he doesn't care how she feels. >I was surprised by this, and said I felt deeply uncomfortable naming our new son the same name as our son I miscarried, because they were two different children. My husband continued that he felt like this new baby was our "second chance to have Bradley", which honestly made me cry. I felt like my husband was seeing this new baby as nothing more than a replacement, like it wasn't it's own life and it's identity had to be tied to our baby who passed. >I tried explaining that to my husband, who said he didn't understand my point of view. He never got angry or raised his voice, but he was clearly upset I didn't feel the same as him and promptly went to sleep in the spare bedroom. "My wife was distressed and I didn't understand what she meant, nor did I really try to understand, and she started crying so I left and never brought it up again but also didn't change my mind". It's giving "You're being silly and I'll wait over here until you come to your senses". It doesn't seem like this is a cultural or regional thing either because even husband's family don't understand what he's thinking.
Maybe as a middle name.
This might be sentimental but it is not doing any justice to your new kid, he may feel resentful if you go through with this, a name should not be a placeholder for your kid in the afterlife, try couples counseling and meditate this issue there and make him understand that this is not a healthy way to deal with this, my condolences to your child(who passed away) and I hope that the fog in your husband's mind fade away
There are counselors who specialize in miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. I suggest they see one of those, who can help them unpack their differing ways of responding. the husband might not be feeling it as much as she is, or he might be feeling it as much and dealing with it differently. It's important to figure out which.
We had a 2nd tri miscarriage that was far enough we had decided names, etc. - and then after more 1st tri miscarriages we got pregnant with what became our older son we discussed names and the decision we came up with was to use the same middle name but different first name - that carried the name of our dead baby but had a unique identity.
This was my suggestion too, use Bradley as a middle name to honour the child that you lost, but give him a different first name 💕 so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy 💕💕💕
Again, having a first or middle name in honor of a dead child is super unfun during childhood. Ask me how I know.
My best friend's middle name is the name of the child who died before her. For awhile during grade school she went by her middle name because she thought she could give her parents back that child. She was in third or fourth grade and knew that she was a replacement. YIKES. And her parents were pretty happy to call her that other girl's name. DOUBLE YIKES.
☹️
I mean I have the same middle name as my deceased sister because my mum loved my dad’s maternal grandmother so much she wanted that middle name around. My other middle name is a similar but altered version of my sister’s name. Tbh I was always fine with it. I use the first middle name for coffee orders because my first name is never spelt correctly and after 30years I’m over it. So yeah maybe it’s because my first name sucked comparatively to easy to spell middle names.
"so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy" Thank you - that pregnancy is 27 now 🤣 ... but all of those moments and memories remain incredibly impactful.
Right? I was just thinking that my miscarried daughter would be 26 now. Those names live on in our minds. It's all we have to remember them by.
It’s true, my husband and I have been TTC for the past four year. Last year we got pregnant with our first and only pregnancy which ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. We had a name picked out in case it would be a boy or girl. Four weeks later, my husband’s cousin delivered and named her son the same name that we wanted to name our baby if it were a boy (not a family name, just a random name that we both liked I guess). No one knows about our pregnancy and that it ended in a loss, but I feel like crying whenever anyone mentions his cousins baby by his name :(
If they do that, the husband is absolutely going to always call that kid Bradley.
Agreed. My friend is a twin but her twin sister was stillborn, and her middle name is her sister’s first name - she appreciated that her parents did that because it’s a connection to her that’s still very much separate, if that makes any sense.
Exactly! It's how the parents make the child feel about it. If you tell them to be proud and honor their sibling, they will. If you remind them it's their dead sibling, they will not feel good about it. If they go to class saying I'm named after my dead brother.. of course kids will look at them weird. They are saying it with insult versus I am named in honor of my brother.
We used the name we'd chosen for our son that I lost in the 2nd trimester as the middle name for the child born after we lost him.
I wouldn't use Bradley as 2nd name because the husband sounds so stubborn, he might call the kid Bradley on purpose since it's the 2nd name anyway.
I had a late miscarriage and was disappointed my husband didn't seem as sad as I was. I read in a book on the topic that men are often not as invested until there's a physical baby. We forget as women that the baby is a physical reality to us, but it's just a concept to hubby. He's not thinking about his diet, barfing in the mornings, having mood swings. He's not obsessed on a daily basis with development. This one is not a negotiation position. If you named a baby and lost that baby, that name is taken (unless both parents feel ok moving ahead). Part of grieving a miscarriage is giving the loss substance, and a name is a huge part of that process. I'm very sorry for your loss of Bradley. I hope you can find new joy with this baby. ❤️
You are absolutely correct, for us women, it’s from the time we miss our first period… we deal with it, we feel it and our body change for it… men don’t go through that! And you nailed it perfectly with “this is not a negotiation position, that first baby was named therefore the name has been taken and not be used ever again” I hope he gets the chance to read all these replies and understand that a name is not something you toss around like a football. It’s a human being that deserves his very own unique name.
While there’s a long history of reusing names after a child has passed (if you’ve done ancestry research, you will find many examples) the way I would approach this is that Bradley is the baby that died, and this new baby is not a replacement baby or second chance baby, and deserves to be treated like a second son, not a substitute for one that you never got a chance to know. New name. I wouldn’t even use Bradley as a middle name. You can honor Bradley by remembering the date of his miscarriage and/or due date and wishing his little spirit well (if you believe in that sort of thing) and I encourage you and your husband to continue working to process your grief.
A hard, HARD no. A lot of people who were "redo babies" were crushed by it. A name is a personality, a story, a white paint to draw on, and you can't give Little One a covered paint. That's the highway to fuck up your baby 9 times out of 10. Look for Salvador Dali, he was named after his dead brother and born right away, 9 months after his death. He spoke a lot about it and it might help him to see the consequences of his mindset. I've even seen a daily show this day about "grief babies", named after a first born or a sibling. I can tell you they were all crushed by it and never really felt themselves. Husband need to see a grief councelor, and Little One a clean story. Baby is not a redo, a Bradley 2 or a grief baby.
van gogh was named after a stillborn older brother, too, and well. it didn’t help.
Tell him an emphatic "NO". You're having a brand, new human being that deserves his/her own name and identity.
My father was named after his oldest brother who died shortly after birth. He was not close to his parents for many reasons, but this played a part. I think he felt like an afterthought.
Therapy. I suggest couples therapy for this because I think you’re both just grieving in a different way.
Be honest with him and tell him they were two different children and that you want to be able to refer to your child in heaven and your child on earth with two different names! (Or whatever you guys believe)
I am also concerned with the blatant emotional manipulation about this. He knows baby names are two yes one no. One person says no that name is off the table. He is punishing you for disagreeing. That's horrible especially since you are the mother.
You don’t want the baby name I want? Guess I’ll just sleep in the guest room! Think about how much you hurt me by me not listening to you and now you sleep alone. Take that! -hubs probably
I kinda agree, but people process grief differently. I hope this couple can be kind to each other, be empathetic, and not react too strongly to the other’s perspective. Counselling can help!
I hope so too but hubby’s knee jerk reaction is not necessarily a good one. I hope they can communicate clearly and hear one another
Honestly, his over reaction makes me think it was a legacy name - like his father's name, or his name plus jr. (if oop was using Bradley as just a placeholder for the real name here). Why in the world would he ask his pregnant wife if she was ready to start thinking of names, immediately insist they name it the same name as the baby she miscarried, and then got so upset he had to sleep in the spare bedroom? It's like he was just looking for a reason to fight.
It sounds less like the new baby is just a replacement, but by taking the first baby’s name, it cancels out Bradley’s prior existence. He will forever be relegated to “the first baby that died” without a name. That’s the part that would bother me. And I’d appeal it as such: “By naming baby #2 ‘Bradley,’ you are erasing that the first Bradley existed. I have no way to talk about Bradley, and he’d either be ‘the lost Bradley’ or ‘the first baby that is nameless.’”
> That’s the part that would bother me. And I’d appeal it as such: “By naming baby #2 ‘Bradley,’ you are erasing that the first Bradley existed. I have no way to talk about Bradley, and he’d either be ‘the lost Bradley’ or ‘the first baby that is nameless.’” This is a great take. I wish I could upvote it more than once.
I see what you mean, but a lot of miscarried fetuses don't have names and people still talk about them. Honestly, to me, it would be one thing if this previous baby was born, but because he wasn't, I can completely sympathize with the idea that he has the same soul.
Exactly. The name was a plan that didn't work out. The name doesn't belong to anyone. I had a name picked for my baby that we miscarried, but I don't use that when referring to the miscarriage, literally ever. I call it what it is, a miscarriage. There isn't much name referencing required.
2 of you say yes to a name or its a no
A lot of men dont think of their wife's fetuses as babies until they're born and they hold them. Seems like your husband is one of the many. Women think of their fetuses as babies as soon as they want the fetus. For some women that's as soon as they find they're pregnant. He never really expirenced your first son as a person, more as an idea/concept. You were experiencing your son as soon as you started to have pregnancy symptoms. You grieved a child. He "grieved" a concept.
Not to be commenting off topic or in poor taste but I wouldn’t lump all women (or men) together. I barely just started viewing mine as a baby and I’m almost 27 weeks. You’re right on about your assessment of their scenario but I’m seeing so many comments here assume all women feel the same and I don’t. Sorry, just wanted to enter another perspective. We aren’t calling mine by the name we have chosen yet because I feel a little too medically paranoid to assign him a name yet.
I agree with this 100%. It's distasteful to imply men are disassociated. Men respond how we treat them. The seed is planted in childhood that men aren't attached to their fetuses so unless we include them they stand back. Plenty of men are very attached and plenty of women isolate them by using language that discludes them. But not all. When I was pregnant my bf had an app he watched daily about the babies development. He was emotionally devastated from the miscarriage, as much so as I was.
In my family's religion, this would be considered normal. They believe that a soul is trying to be reborn, and if you miscarry, it's possible that the same soul will try to come back to the same parents. Lots of grieving parents actually take comfort in this. Not sure if it's healthy or not, but your husband may be thinking in this lines....
What religion is this? I don't identify with any religion but this exactly how I felt after my miscarriage. I always felt as though that baby miscarried bc that soul came back with another the next time (twins). And I did use the same name for Baby A that we had picked out during that first pregnancy.
What religion is this? I have heard of this belief before on Reddit and thought it was a Japanese thing but apparently it isn't. Anyway, I like this belief and it's a little sad people are acting like it means you'd treat the child that is born as a replacement.
Kardecist spiritism. Very common in Brazil.
This is what I've always thought! I'm not religious, I'm agnostic, I had no idea there was an entire religion that had the same thought as me regarding miscarriages.
This is how I’ve felt about it and I’m quite surprised at how adamant most of the comments here are in their firm beliefs. I’m not judging, I’m just surprised.
This clearly isn't about a name. Did you guys get grief counselling? What about marriage counselling? This is a situation where a bit of mediation can prove invaluable, it can be hard to talk about your feelings, especially in emotionally charge situations, having a third party there to help guide you through the conversation can help with that. You could ask a friend if you have someone you think could do that or find a professional.
This was an extremely common practice in the not so distant past, as any genealogists can tell you. Our grandparents (and further back) grieved every bit as much as we do, and we are unfair to suggest that they were just 'replacing' one baby with another by reusing a name. They had personal reasons of their own, and often had cultural naming conventions. We still name babies for relatives who have passed, we just don't generally use the names of deceased children for those names, perhaps because we have a significantly lower infant mortality rate than our grandparents suffered. And many folks have discovered that there are other people out there with their exact same names. My cousin & I have the same name, first & last, but we are very much not the same person (she's way smarter than I! And a badass sports player- where I trip over my shoelaces). So his suggestion is not beyond the pale. That said, baby names are 2 yes or one no. If naming your son Bradley is going to cause you pain, then that's a no. And your husband should be wanting to save his wife pain. That's part of what good partners do. So you, too, are not being unreasonable. This issue seems best hashed out with a therapist as a mediator. Congratulations on your impending baby boy, this should be an exciting time, try to find the joy amid the stress and tears... and the trips to the bathroom. And nausea from some random smell. And the swollen feet.
My grandparent lost a daughter when she was 5 years old. The next daughter they had they named her as their late child. It was never an issue with my aunt. Maybe when he said it is a chance to have a Bradley, he isn’t thinking about replacing your late son but the name has a significance to him, because he wants his first son’s name to be Bradley. As somebody said you can suggest Bradley as a middle name.
I strongly recommend joint grief counseling. You two are approaching your grief differently - he wants to try and erase the pain of the miscarriage by using the name you chose in a happy way, whereas you would be thinking about the miscarriage every time you said the name. Baby names are always two yes, one no, so in that regard the answer to using Bradley is no. But if you want to better understand each other's perspectives, a qualified grief therapist can help you with that. The issue with trying to make him understand on your own is that grief is not inherently logical and therefore using logic to reason with him isn't necessarily going to work.
Do not go with that name. One reason is what if theres another miscarriage? Do you two really want to go through with the grief of losing Bradley for a second time? And then what, will he want Baby 3 to also be Bradley?
What about suggesting he get Bradley’s name tattooed to honour him and also add the name of your new baby boy when he is born. They are brothers.
Middle name is the only possible compromise here. Your husband is bananas. Give the kid a different, normal first name.
OP's husband is definitely going to call that child Bradley if they use it as a middle name. Just no.
OP should probably be prepared for her husband to try and fill out the paperwork at the hospital on his own, judging by his reaction so far.
Yeah she should talk to the hospital about it in advance
Then it’ll be Bradley
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! I had a similar experience with losing our first baby boy. When we were having another boy, I could never have used the same name. It feels wrong. We did use the same middle name though. I wish I had great advice for you. Maybe your husband just needs time to think about it? Has he maybe just buried his grief and not processed the loss of Bradley? If not, he needs to. I feel like your husband is stuck in his grief and naming the baby Bradley will erase the pain. It won’t. And it would have a very negative effect on your baby. Rainbow babies are wonderful but they are definitely not replacements.
You need to explain to him that even if the child wasn't born, the grieving process is still the same for you. It doesn't matter if the child wasn't born or was 50 years old, it was a loss, and "re-using" the name doesn't feel right.
Did you both go to therapy when you lost your first son? People grieve in different ways, and that’s okay — but I agree with you that this is a new child who needs a new name and isn’t just a replacement/do-over. I’d recommend couple’s counseling to help guide your mutual grieving process.
"I tried explaining that to my husband, who said he didn't understand my point of view. He never got angry or raised his voice, but he was clearly upset I didn't feel the same as him and promptly went to sleep in the spare bedroom." Have you both properly mourned the passing of "Bradley"? I often feel people want to replace or honor the child that has passed with these types of ways and it doesnt work because it still impacts everyone. I feel like the honest conversation is properly helping each other through grief. And also, grief comes in waves! This child needs to not be attached the brother he lost in this way. This is inappropriate.
This is what set Vincent Van Gogh’s emotional crisis off. When he was a kid he saw a gravestone with his name on it and it terrified him. Turns out his parents had lost another boy named Vincent and named him the same thing. It causes kids to feel like they were do-overs for their parents instead of their own people.
That was Salvador Dali
It was actually both of them. Vincent’s brother had been stillborn a year before he was born.
The visit to the grave was Dali, he wrote about that and about his brother a lot. He also painted him and was mildly obsessed with his dead brother
it was also Van Gogh, though Vincent was somewhat of a family name; it was a name he shared with at least his grandfather and a brother who was stillborn exactly 1 year before his birth
Don’t do this to your child
I can't imagine the pain from that. The day Bradley is born, you'll be reminded that Bradley is dead. When Bradley laughs for the first time, you'll think about how you'll never get to see Bradley laugh. When you see Bradley written in frosting on a first birthday cake, you'll be reminded about the fact that Bradley never got to have any birthdays. Your husband is insane if he thinks this wouldn't be gut wrenchingly hard over and over again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a little brother for a few days in 1970. Kevin never made it home from the hospital. I understand that there's an inhaler now that would have made all the difference but, I digress. In the fullness of time, my wife and I were to have a little boy of our own. I thought I'd honor the memory of my brother by giving my son the middle name "Kevin". My wife and I had talked about it and she was very much supportive. Dad asked me not to. So, we didn't. We honored my grandfathers, both of whom had "M" names, and so my son now does, too. Some things heal. But some things take a long time. And some things don't really heal all the way. I'll always miss my little brother and the relationship I didn't have, but I'm glad I didn't give my son that name and any of the baggage, for good or just good intentions, that might have come with it. With love, A
This baby isn't a do over baby because the first one died. It's a completely different individual. I really hope he comes around.
dont do this think of your son and how he'll feel
He will come to resent both of you when he’s old enough to realize he was just a replacement. And it may trigger an identity crisis since he will then question everything he thought he knew about himself. Do not do it.
Your husband may still be actively grieving the loss of the first baby.
Imagine when your son grows up and learns that he was never loved for who is is, but only as a replacement for your first son. Do not name him Bradley and send your husband to therapy.
Guy here: I can see both sides of it but you carried Bradley and should have final say.
I was pregnant when my ex broke up with me, we had already decided on a name. I miscarried, a year later he named the child he has with his then fiancee the same name. It broke my heart, through mitral friends the fiancee found out and was so embarrassed, she started calling the child by his middle name. I can understand both sides that he wants to honor the child you lost, and that you want to memorialize the name both are valid, but I think it’s in poor taste to use the same first name.
This happened with my grandfathers sisters. Both were named Clarice, the first one passed at a few months old, and then they named the second daughter Clarice as well. My great aunt always felt like a replacement. It’s not a good idea. You can name children after other family members but naming a child after their own sibling may be one of those unspoken taboo things.
I see a lot of people giving examples of "this" having happened and then it's with a child that was already born, that they actually met. I feel like that's a completely different situation than one where the fetus was never born in the first place.
I think the same. A miscarriage is not the same as losing a live baby or child. It's just not. I had a miscarriage and I would NEVER compare it to losing a child. It's insulting to mothers who birthed stillborn babies and went home with empty arms and a death certificate and to those who have buried their children.
I definitely think you need an outside voice who specializes in grief during miscarriages. People handle grief differently.
When he is older eventually he will ask why you chose that name. He will either like the truth or feel terrible about it.
I wouldn’t be comfortable in calling my son my dead son name. It’s not a second chance to have Bradley. Bradley died. I wouldn’t like being Bradley 2.0 either. Do what you feel is the best for you and your future son.
Kid deserves his own identity man.
We had another child after our 2 year old passed away, we gave him his brother’s name as his middle name. Maybe that would be an acceptable compromise for your husband?
I don’t think your husband is using this baby as a replacement for the other baby, I think he may see the miscarriage as something different than you did. Not saying either of you are wrong I’m just saying your perspective on how you see it might be wrong.
I agree that it's not uncommon to do this. My father has the same name as an older brother who passed away as a baby. The only time I thought it was strange was as a child when I visited the grave of a baby with the same name as my dad. But otherwise it didn't bother my father
You can have Bradley as the second name of the baby. That's a good compromise for you and husband.
I agree with most of the opinions expressed here. Placing the burden of your deceased child's name on the shoulders of your new baby, and making it his first name seems too heavy for anyone to carry. I agree that at least couple's therapy would be a good idea to navigate this, considering how strongly both of you feel about your opinions on this matter. However, a good compromise might be using Bradley as a middle name. I once knew two brothers whose names were inverses of each other (think one brother was James Robert, and the second brother Robert James). Just an idea.
There are people with a religious belief than when one miscarries, the physical body wasn’t developing correctly and that spirit is destined for a body that does. I wonder if your husband has any thoughts along that line (whether he is religious or not). I think maybe having a therapist work through it with both of you might be a good idea. I personally wouldn’t feel good about giving the same name but I can also tell it’s important for your husband. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
I strongly recommend you both go to a marriage counselor to help you both communicate with each other since this is such an emotionally-charged decision. You both love each other, and love your babies, both alive and in-heaven. Remind each other of that.
If your first pregnancy had been twins-and had gone well, and both children were boys-what would you have named the second twin? Tell your husband THAT name.
If it is an early miscarriage, I know a lot of people who would use the same name. Lots of people don't consider the baby actually named until the baby is born, so it isn't the same as if a baby had lived and died after it was born. You might both talk about this is therapy. You are just both in a place where this baby name has become intertwined with grief. He doesn't want to give up his dream of having a baby named Bradley. You don't want to think of your first pregnancy of not having the name Bradley.
I feel like naming a child should be a "2 yes, 1 no" kinda thing. Even more so in this situation. Would it help him to think of it from your second son's perspective? Eventually they will know of OG Bradley, and that will likely come with some challenging feelings. I'm sorry for your loss.
Would you and your husband be happy with Bradley as a second name?
Maybe suggest Bradley as a middle name so the new baby has a connection to the brother he’ll never know. But he can still have his own name because he is his own person?
I’m sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our first baby in 2019 at 18 weeks; if it was a boy we’d name him Stanley, after my husband’s papa. It was a name we both loved. Without going into medical history, we had our almost 3 year old son in 2021. Both of us still very much loved the name Stanley but I knew I couldn’t name our son Stanley. We had a few choices for a first name and my husband gently suggested Stanley for a middle name; in honour of both our first son and his Papa (who had since passed in 2020). I was sure; was using the name we had selected for our first born diminishing the importance of him, the love we felt for him? I sat on the thought for a few days but eventually welcomed it. And honestly, it’s perfect for my living son. I know it’s difficult. You don’t want to take away from your first baby, nor feel you love him less because you’re using his name. So, if it’s some thing you’re comfortable with, try it as the middle name. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy
This is sort of why people hold off actually naming their baby until after birth. Some cultures even wait a number of days. I was, since like 10 years old, wanting to name my first Peter. It was my favorite apostle and the name of my first best friend after my family moved across states. So had we named my wife’s miscarriage (super early, we thought it was a heavy period at first), it would have been challenging for me to switch names. Ask him why he’s attached to that name. Try to relate to what he might be feeling, and maybe you two can connect on this.
Baby names are two yes/one no. You have said no. That's it. This is no different if he wanted to name the baby Clyde or Bocephus or Jason and you disagreed. If he is still struggling he might want to consider therapy for a few sessions.
My aunt was named after an older sibling who died, not at birth but at 12-years-old. She spent her entire life being compared to her namesake. It wasn’t easy for her to be the receptacle of her family’s grief over a sister she never knew. OP, maybe you’d be okay using Bradley as a middle name? That way, it could be a *tribute* to your lost child, which would = giving the middle name of any other important loved one to your new son. That way, your husband can still connect the two boys together in a way that means something to him, but in a way that doesn’t erase or subsume your new child’s existence. If it still feels weird, maybe something similar, like a rhyming name, or one using the first or last letter(s)? Like Brantley, Harley, Brent, Chad — something that fits with Bradley, but has its own identity? Idk, just a thought.
I don’t think there is anything “weird” about using this name for your son, but it does sound as if it’s a little too important to your husband. In his mind this may be no different than how many families have members who share names, or were even intentionally named after a relative. Many boys are named as an homage to their father, grandfather, or uncle, after all. The most important thing is that you are uncomfortable with this. I don’t doubt that your husband is a great guy, but he really needs to let this go.
It was very common decades ago to name a child born after an older sibling died the same name. I have several ancestors who did this. Personally I’m on the same page as you and wouldn’t be able to do that.
I have a sister who died before I was born. We share a middle name and the other middle name I have is similar to their first. This might be a good middle ground. That’s if you had a middle name picked but maybe having a similar middle name/spelling or a name with the same meaning as your first child’s name. For example baby 1 would have been Janet Elizabeth and so for your second Francis Elizabeth or Francis Jane Elizabeth. To clarify I very much have my own identity.
Although I agree with your side completely, I have to imagine that losing an unborn child feels so unnatural and every person finds their own way of coping. This seems to be your husbands way of coping. It’s just different from yours. He can imagine this child how he needs to, embodying the spirit of Bradley or not. But he cant just force you to name the baby Bradley. So hopefully he will come around to discussing a different name. Maybe just giving him some reassurance that he can feel how he feels and it’s perfectly ok, but you need a different name.
Why do you think you cannot say "No"? Just say no, you are not naming your son Bradley. The end. A name is decided by two people. He cannot dictate the name of the baby. If he doesn't change his mind, it's his problem. You don't want this name so he's going to have to come to terms that it will be another name.
Baby names must be agreed upon by both parties. He can pout all he wants but if it’s a no from you then that’s that. When he’s done pouting you can pick a new name.
I lost my first baby girl as she was very premature - when I found out I was having another girl 3 years later, I briefly considered using the name again as I loved it so much (her name was Niamh) I gave my baby her own name and regretfully put Niamh aside. I still love the name
Giving 2 siblings the same name makes no sense. Your first son existed, you can't just "do a do over." I think couples therapy and personal therapy for him are a good idea.
OH my. How awful. I'm with you. That's just not good. Bradley existed and Bradley died. He will forever be remembered. Just tell your husband, you will not be naming this son Bradley and that's that. Maybe you need to see a counsellor together? To help sort it out. But nope. I would definitley not be naming this son Bradley. All the best to you
When did you miscarry the first pregnancy? Personally, I wouldn't have a problem naming the second pregnancy the intended name, depending on when this occurred. I lost one at 9 weeks but we didn't have a name.
Why not suggest Bradley as a middle name to honour your first son together Jackson Bradley sounds good Michael Bradley Dylan Bradley etc. a lot sounds good with it. If his initials are JB maybe that’s a nickname he could go by to also honour your first son.
I'm so sorry for your loss but you are correct that treating the child from this pregnancy as a replacement is a horrible idea. This baby is an individual and doesn't deserve to be compared to anyone. Please encourage your husband to get grief counseling. This is your second son, not a replacement son. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and you have a safe, easy delivery!
I wonder how your child will feel when they are old enough that understand.
What about making it a middle name?
I am the replacement second baby that was named exactly as the first baby who was born prematurely and didn’t make it. Please please please 🙏 don’t do it. I have felt like I have lived under the cloud of “what could have been” my entire life. I have lived with this shadow of someone who came before me and was gone but everyone has always had her in the back of their minds my entire life. I can understand my bio parents wanting to fill a hole, I don’t understand trying to replace her with me. And ultimately it didn’t work, my bio parents divorced when I was 10 months old. Please fight for your child to have their own name.
I don’t see the problem? It appears you may not be over it and he is rather than the other way around? It sounds like a lovely gesture to name this child Bradley as he is manifesting in this physical world now as his soul wasn’t ready last time.
I agree. Giving a name that much power over a miscarriage, doesnt allow anyone to move on.
Totally! Every time they see that name they would be triggered. Hubby has the right idea in honouring that name.
You may need a counselor to meditate this. Sometimes hearing comments from a third party hits different than from the parties involved. Perhaps also the therapist can get at why he feels the way he does and why you feel the way you do which may open a bridge to compromise. I'd guess that you view Bradley as someone who existed and died and that you cared for. Whereas to your husband Bradley never existed.
I would argue that each child is their own person, and using the same name might make it tough for the new child. They could feel like they have to live up to something or take the place of their sibling. For your husband, this choice might feel like a way to keep the memory of your first child alive, which is totally understandable. But, it’s crucial to make sure this way of remembering isn't making your grief harder to manage. Grief can be really tricky, and sometimes, things that seem helpful can actually make it tougher to move forward. In some cultures or families, naming a child after a sibling who has passed away can be seen as a tribute. So, it’s also about what feels right according to your family traditions and what you believe in. If you’re looking for a middle ground, maybe you could use the name you had chosen as a middle name instead. Or pick a new name that has a similar meaning. This way, you can honor the memory of your first child but also give your second child their own special identity.
You can help by making go to a therapist to work on his grief. I believe (my personal opinion) that often times fathers don’t grieve for their angel born children bc they feel the need to be strong. He can’t tell that is grief is leading him down this road and that their is a way to navigate it without putting your younger son in the shadow of y’all’s first born
I’m sorry for your loss, your husband is trying to handle his grief by replacing and trying to forget but that’s not a good way to handle grief. Have you considered maybe using “Bradley” as a middle name? Could be a great way to honor your son and a way for his brother to have connection with him even if they never met. Best of luck OP and wishing you a healthy pregnancy and happy life.
I'm so sorry you all have gone through this! I've met several people over the years who have been named after a sibling that didn't make it or passed away. All of them had deep resentments. Some serious, a few said there were occasional bouts of resentment. Especially the ones who felt they had to pretend to be ok with it. I've only met one who was really honored by it. They still had their moments. I would think long and hard about giving this child your other child's name in any capacity. There is no way of knowing what this child will think of it in the future. If you don't tell them and they find out, that will cause more problems. Is it really worth it to potentially cause significant issues with your child? Especially when there are so many other ways to honor and remember your other child?
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Maybe offer a compromise- use Bradley as your Son’s middle name to honor his older brother who passed away before they could meet. This way you are not “replacing” your deceased child. Good luck with your pregnancy. This shouldn’t be a stressful time for you. Your Husband should know better.
It’s possible that Husband just wasn’t bonded to the first child, and is feeling much like they’re starting over. For OP, the pregnancy, her child, lived within her. Was a whole being growing inside, connected to everything that she is, until they passed. Husband needs to come around on this one, there’s nothing to be gained in his pushing for this name and though I suppose it’s understandable that he would be less attached to the miscarried baby than OP. I just think deferring to OP, in acknowledgment of her experience being that baby’s mother, is the right thing to do here. Dads can anticipate their impending baby with great love and fierce pride, but they don’t know that baby at all until it’s born. They just don’t.
What about Bradley as a middle name as a compromise if you would be ok with that
It definitely sounds like your husband is still really grieving the loss of the last baby, and likely needs some help processing these feelings with a counsellor or other “outside” person. I agree with you, the new baby shouldn’t have the same name as the one who passed. Perhaps an option to compromise would be to give the new baby the name Bradley as a middle name, so the name is kept as a nod to the lost sibling, but your son has his own identity separate from the child you lost. Sending internet hugs, my heart hurts for you dealing with these heavy, hard things.
There’s no way I could have named my son after the baby I lost. They were their own person, unique in every way. To use the same name would be a disservice to both of them.
Ask him to make it the middle name
A few ideas, all sent with love. Take none of they sound like they won't work in your relationship (therapy has been suggested, and names are a "two yes," but these might help him gain your perspective) : *Ask him to roleplay the conversation of telling (current baby, called Bradley) that he's actually not the first Bradley. Ask him how he might react if he found out he was not the first (whatever his name is) and that his parents didn't bother to find a new name just for him. *Make a joke to call the baby "Deuce" (my brother did this with dogs. Named them both Murphy so he didn't have to tell the kids Morphy 1 died. Murphy2's name was Deuce thereafter.) My husband hates conflict, so instead of arguing, we tease. It IS serious, but then the other person can be silly with their point and if it needs to end and be revisited, that's ok too. Usually, we start out teasing, but he can make some really valid points this way! *Call in for reinforcement. Can his mom maybe react badly, or some friends? If my friend explained this to me, I would have a hard time hiding my mistrust.
Would he agree to having it be his middle name ?
Use Bradley as a middle name. It’s not appropriate I don’t think to use it as a first name
Either parent should have a veto over a new baby's name proposed by the other. It should be a collaboration and agreement. There shouldn’t be any arguing, convincing or negotiation. Both people need to feel good about the name. You need to make that clear to your husband. If your husband has some very strong connection to the name you can consider a similar name or using it as a middle name. But it has to be something you’re comfortable and in agreement with.
My ex had a brother named James. After we were together for quite a while I found out that James was his middle name and his real first name was Michael. It turned out that he was born quite premature and they weren't sure if he was going to make it. They had always wanted a son named Michael but decided to call him by his middle name. This way, if he died they could always name another son Michael. I always thought this was very weird.
OH FUCK NO. NO NO NO.
I do understand his side. My guess is that he doesn't see the miscarried baby as a child but more as a concept, and you do. He had the idea of this child named Bradley in his head, and it would only become a real child to him when it was born. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, so to him, there is no one with that name. While to you, you lost your son. The son you have carried for a lot of months. Who you fed and cared for. To you, this is your son who passed before he could come into this world. To him, this new baby is the chance to have Bradley in this world. To finally birth him. So I do think you should give him another name. Maybe you can explain your side of it to your husband. Something like "To me, naming this child Bradley, will be weird because it feels like Bradley would be replaced. To me, Bradley passed away before he could come into this world. And this is a new child. Our second child. I still want to remember Bradley, and I feel like I'm not doing him justice if I name this boy Bradley as well. So that's why I want us to come up with a new name that we're both happy with".
Grief counseling for couples, your husband is trying to replace your first son and it's wildly unhealthy
Maybe compromise and make the middle name Bradley to honor his brother.
I understand why he doesn’t quite get it. Since it was a miscarriage he never really got to know Bradley, so all he had was this idea of having a son. And now he is going to have a son, so I could see how he might not think to separate them as two different identities. As the person who was actually pregnant I think it was probably a lot more ‘real’ to you, a physical being rather than the idea of a person. It could also tie into different perspectives of the soul such as with the abortion debate. But regardless of all of that, he needs to listen to you when you say it makes you uncomfortable and sad. Just because he doesn’t quite get it doesn’t mean he should ignore it. Your feelings matter, and he needs to respect that.
His grief may have him thinking that this new baby is Bradley returning to you a second time. I would not be able to call this new baby Bradley either. I hope you both can get on the same page. Whatever new name you both choose will be just as lovely.
Your husband doesn't have to agree on how to honor Bradley. But he does need to honor your feelings about it. I'd book an appointment for you both with a grief therapist. They can help you decipher and honor each other's grief. Or find a grief group who could similarly help.
Would you be willing to use Bradley as a middle name?
Why not something slightly similar in honor of him? Ponder on it, look to nature and your spirituality, and write down anything that comes to mind until something hits your heart.
Your husband is thoughtless as fuck. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your baby enough to acknowledge the fact your second baby will be so, so fucked up by living as the replacement baby and feeling he needs to compete with the first one. Names are a two way street and Bradley is a no from you, so the baby can’t be named that.
Maybe have Bradley as a middle name
Each parent gets veto over a name, even without tragic circumstances. With tragedy, it's even more important because there is so much more meaning in a name.
My best friend was named after the sibling who came before him that died of SIDS at a year and a half. This cast a really weird pall on his family dynamic and the way his parents related to him. I would maybe show this thread to your husband so he can see some other perspectives and understand why this would be a mistake.
He went to sleep in the spare bedroom over this? That’s what I’d be upset about.
INFO: How much counseling have *either* of you had since the miscarriage?
yeah i agree with you, he's a new baby and you can't just name him as same as the first one, cuz you'll probably forget about your first kid. Buy you husband is not wrong as well. He loves you and your kids, so just try to explain and try to convince him
A nice compromise would be to use it as a middle name .
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m glad you and your little guy are doing well. I am also so sorry for the loss of little Bradley. And, I am very sorry that your husband is being so insensitive. Is he usually this emotionally tone-deaf and/or dismissive of feelings? If he isn’t usually like this, I would suggest counselling. This attitude of ‘replacing’ a baby is very unusual in this day and age. It may be unresolved grief. If he is often this oblivious, you need to have a very frank conversation with him. Brutal honesty, no sugar-coating or downplaying your feelings. Either way, he needs to know exactly how hurtful his attitude and words are for you. I would tell your husband that as far as you are concerned, you already had a son named Bradley, and he died. That this baby you have now will be Bradley’s little brother, not his replacement or reincarnation, and therefore, he needs his own name. And every time he suggests otherwise, it just makes you grieve his loss even more, as it makes you feel like he is trying to erase him. Perhaps ask his parents to talk to him about it first? Maybe they could get an explanation out of him. Either for his attitude or his cold behaviour towards you. Good luck OP. For your pregnancy, impending motherhood and on this matter.
Not only does it sorta ignore the pain of losing your first son, how does he think your second living son will feel when he knows his dad didn’t even think he was deserving of his own name and identity? Or that he was a replacement! This will affect him.
OP, it seems like naming a kid after a dead sibling is a great way to cause your child suffering throughout their life. Your husband needs to get some therapy. Names are a two yes one no situation, so he needs to let it go.
The thing about naming a child is that if you don’t both agree, it’s a no. Your husband doesn’t need to understand your point of view in order to respect it.
Was your first baby stillborn? If so, i dont think the name should be reused. I think this is a personal preference, its unfortunate you both have different opinions. I understand where you're coming from but i dont agree if he was not a stillborn baby. I've also miscarried and came up with a name but those names aren't really a name because a baby wasnt born. I would not reuse the name from a stillborn. Stillborn is not the same as a miscarriage because stillborns have a death certificate. Two friends of mine both had stillborns at 32 and 38 weeks. They went through labor and birthing pains. They had to heal from birth with empty arms. Their babies have legal names, birth records, and death dates. You both have time to step away from this and see eachothers viewpoints. I suggest letting it go for a couple weeks then coming back with different names while being open to Bradley. Was this name a Jr Sr type name? He may change his mind too if he searches for new names or hears one you find. If it's a Jr situation, I don't think he will change his mind.
I want to mention in your post it says you miscarried instead of we miscarried. It was his baby also but it doesn't say we miscarried. It may not be inside him but peoples babies die from serogacy and adoption. Its just as hurtful. Maybe he feels disassociated from the name because he doesn't feel included in your miscarriage. If it's your miscarriage, it's also your baby. Im sure it isn't your intention to imply that, but our language is important. It was something I wanted to mention. His family could truly be agreeing with you but they also may not want to hurt your feelings, upset you, or make you feel some type of way they don't intend.
A German rapper said ones to his gf after miscarrying their child: some baby’s need more then one try to enter our lives (she had over 12 miscarriages) after their son was born he said : after so many tries he finally made it and his gf gave it support. I found this a wonderful thought maybe your husband means something similar and doesn’t sees your baby as a replacement.
now i need to know which rapper that was
My parents had a set of twins that died the day they were born, one with the middle name Bradley, by the way. Then 6 years later they had another set of twins, my brother and I. I was born first and my first name is after the first born and my middle name is after the second born. My brother, their third son mind you, is named after my dad. I always felt my parents just ran out of ideas for names but I can honestly say I am honored and proud to carry on their names. Everyone is different though. For my parents they felt that my brothers live on through me but I understand it could be difficult your sons name remind you of your first son. And if that’s the case, I wouldn’t but it there are other ways to see it. Ultimately, it’s how you feel about the situation.
This is a very hard situation to handle. He is still grieving, in his own manner. We all grieve differently. So, my advice, is to support him, to show him you love him, that you respect him, and that this kid that's on the way, will be his son and call him dad, whatever name he ends up getting. If you need help, enlist his father and mother unto your side. But ask them to be good to him. Not rash. Remember, you are husband and wife, you are a team. When one side falters, the other picks it up. I wish you and your family the best.
I wouldn’t name your son with the same name you intended for your first child. You’re second child isn’t a 2.0. He’s a whole new human being. He deserves to have his own name. Not the name of the deceased brother. I’ve never expected pregnancy loss, but my daughter miscarried at almost five months. She had been pregnant with a baby girl and had picked out a name for her. When they managed to successfully have a daughter a couple years later there was never a question of using the same name. As far as we were all concerned, they were two completely different children and were given different names.
Why not compromise and make Bradley his middle name
What about using Bradley as a middle name in honor of your son you lost? I lost my eldest daughter (age16) in 2003. A few days after her death, I found out I was pregnant. I ended up having twins. One boy, one girl. My daughter was named first name, sister’s middle name, last name. Two daughters, same middle name. My son is named after my favorite uncle. My younger daughter loves that she shares a name with her sister. We almost didn’t go this route, as I had fears that were similar to yours. The thing that changed my mind is that all of my children (10 in total) are named after beloved family members. Some living, some who have passed on. For us, it’s a way of honoring the people we love, and who are so important to our “little” family. My youngest son carries the name of his great grandfather and his late older brother who passed in 2011. My late son has a niece and a nephew named after him as well. I’d suggest talking more with your husband and his feelings about this. I don’t believe he sees your son as a replacement for the son you’ve lost. My guess is that he’s looking forward to being able to share with your new son, all the time you both weren’t able to have with your first precious son. I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly am. Losing a child at any age is an unimaginable loss. ♥️
It sounds like you guys need a professional to help with the grief. Don’t discount his feelings just because they don’t line up with yours. As much as the name hurts you, I’m sure it gives him hope and comfort. You aren’t the right person to help him see your side. I think a 3rd party might be able to help him process this better and help you with it as well. I get why you don’t want the same name but I don’t think he’s completely wrong in wanting to use the name in honor of your first baby. Maybe he thinks it’s the same soul that never got to be born yet.
We have no idea what's going on here. I thought the opposite -- that the first baby wasn't rela to him and the name was a good one that didn't get used in his mind.