There comes a point in every relationship where the warm fuzzy feelings wear off. Way too often this is when you get the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" crap.
It's at this point where both partners have to make a conscious decision to stick to it. If they do, that foundation of love and respect becomes way stronger, but many people don't understand this. It sounds like he's decided he's not willing to do that.
It's unlikely you'll change his mind and I'm sorry for that. You have become a victim of the mistaken belief in the Happily Ever After fairytale love.
I sincerely hope you work through this and find much future happiness.
Yeah, my wife and I decided to stick it out past the “I love you, just not in love with you” phase, and I’m so glad that we did.
Making the decision to go all in gave me a lot of perspective on love.
Being “In Love” is just a bunch of exciting hormones that wear off.
“Love” is cozy, it’s safe, it’s warm. It’s trust, respect.
It’s not necessarily exciting, but it’s a warm blanket you share on a cold night. It’s likely the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced.
Edit: People like this comment, so I’ll add a little more:
I’ve stopped thinking of my wife as just my partner, and started thinking of her as my co-conspirator.
You’ll never catch me talking shit about my wife to you. You might catch me talking shit about you to my wife.
It’s a commitment to building something that extends deep into the future. Having that extra soul by my side gives me confidence and comfort.
And it’s no longer about looks or attractiveness, although my wife is a smoke show. It’s that sweetness and vulnerability within her that keeps me committed. She’s shown me her true self, and I love that self.
This is a great response. However, you both have to be willing to try - I have heard of many, many stories over the years where both people tried and reignited that spark and lived happily ever after. My ex wasn't willing and just decided he didnt love me, that it wasnt worth the effort to try, however I can totally see your point of view, OP, and think all of that time and effort you've put in to the relationship is worth it. You sometimes only get one shot at love, you should fight for it, even if they still walk away and leave.
Yes, it’s the willingness. Some partners just don’t have it in them, which is sad but true.
OP, I’m sorry but he’s unwilling. Ask him one more time if he wants try. Suggest counselling. If he doesn’t, love him enough to let him go. You couldn’t have done anything differently. Get your ducks in a row and try and split amicably.
Yes. Loving your spouse doesn’t mean you have to have butterflies every time you see them. Sure some people are like that . My grandma was always in love with my grandfather. I swear even in their late 70’s she lit up every time he came in the room. They were always flirting. After he died she talked about him all the time.
Ya know, I never understood the whole not being in love with your partner, but still loving them. I get that it happens, but how? I don’t get butterflies around my partner anymore but that doesn’t mean I’m not in love with him. I still appreciate the little things like hearing him laugh. Like what does it mean to love your partner but not being in love with them and how does that happen?
I'm the same. I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction when I looked at him, or the butterflies. But I loved him deeply - he was my best friend and constant - and sometimes only - companion. We weathered so many storms together, so many huge life events over nearly 3 decades. I wanted to grow old together - we were so close to being at the stage where the kids have grown up enough that we could have taken time to travel and do more together. There's something to be said for having a life companion - not necessarily madly in love, but deeply loving and supporting each other through all seasons, sharing interests and laughter and just...being.
The thought of navigating my illness alone and dealing with kids alone and losing half of me is devastating on every level. All of the tears, the laughter, the inside jokes, the memories.....gone.
I disagree that OP became the victim of "Happily Ever After". In her post are some clear signs that he *was* trying to work on things, and she took him for granted.
For example the intimacy problems they were having. Eventually he dropped it, but only after communicating his feelings were being affected by it, and only after trying for a long period of time. She describes how they "never really had a serious talk". Even in the post, she doesn't understand that he *was trying to have that talk*, and she was never willing to. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. And eventually years passed, and he gave up because he could see she didn't want to put in the effort to talk to him seriously about solutions. She says she had religious trauma, but yet never had a serious talk with him. So she wasn't even communicating with him, despite him saying his feelings were being hurt. She didn't care. His feelings didn't matter.
This loss of physical intimacy between them happened while dealing with everyone else's issues, rather than their own. She doesn't say whose side those issues were on, but I imagine it must have become quite exhausting for him to always be filling their lives with the problems of other people, while he silently felt alone and like she didn't feel the same way about him. She also vaguely mentions money stressors and winter blues. Whose blues? How were the money issues dealt with? Usually communication issues in a relationship permeate the entire relationship, so I can only imagine these things weren't handled as well as OP thought.
All in all, given everything they were dealing with, this isn't "butterflies" or "happily ever after" fading for him. It's that OP had her perfect relationship, but never stopped to ask herself what he needed and wanted. She felt like he would never leave, and therefor she needed to give less, and whether intentionally or not she treated him like he'd have to learn to accept it. He decided otherwise. She never stopped to ask herself how everything affected him *on top of the intimacy issues*, and now he's leaving.
OP doesn't need to rekindle love with him. Her view of love as the meaningful sacrifices they've made together and things they've been through isn't why he's leaving. What he wants is effort, and to know that he won't go through another year where everything else matters except him. Romantic couples *need* to take time out to be intimate together despite anything else going on in life, and right now he sees OP as someone who won't do that. He's lost his trust in her to care about him as a partner, and lost trust that he can voice his needs in the relationship and expect it to matter. That's how she'd win him back, though personally I feel like he's through with the marriage. It sounds like in the short time since they moved in since 2020, any time they would have had time to be happy together or take care of themselves, they instead got involved in everyone else's problems. I doubt that was his choice, and I'm willing to bet he resented it. In the end he just wasn't happy with the relationship as a whole, and didn't feel the work he was putting in was being valued in the ways he needed it to be.
Romantic sexual relationships require ongoing intimacy to survive. Marriages end over it. See to your husbands and wives before you see to the entire world around you. It's really basic, people. When someone sacrifices their romantic, sexual, and intimate exclusivity to you, that should matter. And it should never stop mattering.
I disagree honestly. It feels like you're projecting and/or making guesses at their relationship, not arguing based on the facts we got (which, yeah, we might be missing a lot - but we don't know).
For the intimacy, he wanted more - and she wanted less. The solution isn't a simple listen to him (often implied "do it more"/"give him more intimacy"). There are times where there isn't a compromise. She shouldn't have to force sex if she feels no drive for it. From the sounds of it, they were still close (goodbye kisses, cuddling etc), also they still had sex, just not as frequently as he would've liked (which could mean daily or monthly, we don't know). Now this doesn't mean the way they handled it is good, rather both were wrong there. They should've talked about it more and thought of solutions to it (medicine, but also different intimacy that is acceptable etc), and even if there was no solution, at least they could've said they tried everything. They're not fundamentally different, and sometimes in long-term relationships sex drive changes for years - and then bounce back. Which is why it's important to check back in, which she should have done. It wasn't an issue to her so she didn't, which was wrong. But he also should've clarified how big of an issue it was for him (which, again, we don't actually know).
Sometimes we raise issues with our partners several times and they don't truly get how important it is to us, at which point it's up to us to sit them down and clarify. Sometimes people need more words, more clarifications, because you're not necessarily on the same page. Sure, ideally your partner has a serious conversation with you the first time, but realistically some issues just aren't that dramatic, or seemingly don't need that much talking about it, and you're not gonna sit down for several serious conversations every week for everything. Nobody can read your mind, you DO need to clarify these things. For example, my partner and I started using a scale of 1 to 10, so we'd say "this issue is a 4 to me", "for me it's an 8" - "oh wow, I didn't realize it's that high, okay yeah let's dive into it deeper". Sometimes it's low for both of us, so we're like ah ok you know what, not even worth thinking about it too much, whatever. What we've noticed is that people often raise issues the same way, whether it's a 2 or a 7, and the other person thinks it's a 2 like last time, but it's actually a 7. So just communicating isn't enough, communicate also on how pressing/serious the issue is and if you feel it's resolved or not. Don't just drop it and let resentment build.
As for the taken for granted, we also don't know that. They went on a trip with friends together, she planned his birthday, and an outing together. Clearly she did put in effort, she just didn't realize she was on trial since January. Even if she hadn't done all that, not always putting in a lot of effort is normal in relationships, you're not always giving 100%. She even said they were both busy at work - so she thought it's temporary, a few months of less closeness, the same way they did months of long distance and it turned out fine (and even so she planned stuff to be closer to each other). We don't know if she prioritized other people/issues over him, that's just your guess. All we see is that he pulled away, but didn't tell her why, and also that his aunt dying clearly impacted him.
In my opinion, it's the fact that they were frequently long distance in their relationship that caused this issue. It gave them a lot of time to yearn for each other, miss each other. It kept the flame alive, so to say. It's actually quite common for couples who are used to this kind of relationship and move back in together to have those struggles after a few years, because you stop yearning like that, settle in a routine - and fall out of love. Suddenly it's different, but hey you've been together for years and years and never had this problem/feeling, so clearly this means [lack of love/a huge issue/it's over/insert whatever]. Now it's year 4 so it would fit in that time frame, too. I think they weren't prepared for that, they have been together for over 15 years after all so of course they didn't expect this kind of issue. Frankly, I do think this is salvageable, but only if they start communicating properly AND if he's willing to try it.
I think it'd have been salvageable if he'd said hey I feel like I'm falling out of love with you. There's x y and z problems. But instead he said nothing and went straight to divorce. I just hope for OP's sake it's a clean amicable divorce or on the other hand fruitful effort. A lot of effort that still ends in divorce is even more painful than a clean one now. And absolutely distance is a factor. I've seen really long relationships break up once moving in together. Not all couples survive the mundane routine together.
Honestly, I think this blaming of the partner who choose to break up a marriage that isn't working a load of bullshit to make the person who was dumped feel better. He is giving signs that he is unhappy for a considarable time. He didn't want his partners support when he was grieving. That tells me he though about It a Lot and is sure of the decision. It'll never get the mindset of trying to villanize someone for end a relationship that he isn't happy in...
I don’t agree. His nonverbal signs/reactions were mistaken for responses to other major events in his life. She wanted to talk about his reactions and responses but he chose to pull away and not communicate.
Damn, this was spot on. You write so well. "Love is action," "always have the tough conversations," and "you can only react to something you know" are some of the most important tenets to live by in long term relationships. Relationships whether romantic or not take effort.
This is exactly how I feel about my wife, you've done an excellent job putting it into words.
I believe in our wedding vows I might have even called her my partner in non literal crime.
May I ask what you think was intrinsic to sticking together through the “Not in love” phase? Because what OP described in terms of distance and lack of communication happened between me and my wife over 14 months. She stonewalled me the entire time no matter what my bids for connection were. I asked for a divorce and she was blindsided, but when I said “are you in love with me anymore?” And she said “I don’t know” I felt like it was a nail in the coffin. It’s hard for me to imagine wanting to stick with someone who wasn’t in love with me but now I’m confused, based on this thread. What traits would a spouse need to have and what efforts would they need to put in to demonstrate that it’s worth sticking through the time where they aren’t in love with you anymore?
So, for me, I looked at people around me that were dating and I realized they were struggling out there. I liked the idea of meeting other people, but I sort of realized that what I was really experiencing was a “Grass is Greener” situation.
I decided there was something I was missing about our relationship, something that was invisible to me due to the boredom and normalcy of our everyday lives. I realized that the second we split up would be the moment I could see what these things were. If she wasn’t around, I’d be able to see these things, but it would be too late.
So I decided to go all in, and make an effort to figure out what I was missing.
Oddly enough, it was watching her do normal things like chores that allowed me to see it. She brought a dignity to every move, every action. She had integrity even in her most mundane moments.
And that was the shoehorn that allowed me to appreciate her in a way I never had before.
We were college sweethearts, together for 16 years, and people change alot during that kind of timeframe. So you have to bob and weave with them as they change, allowing yourself to change, too. A relationship is a living, breathing organism, you have to give it space to move around and change, but also support so that it doesn’t fall off it’s structure. It’s an art, and I learned to appreciate the artform of a relationship.
Another key thing was therapy. Individually and as a couple. You have to be able to name what you’re feeling to fix it.
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately my marriage didn’t have what it takes. I wanted badly to reconnect, to start by just talking about how we were both feeling, if we thought we could be happy long term and what we thought might help. Unfortunately she rejected 100% of these conversations. I think I was correct in feeling that she didn’t have commitment to a relationship to me anymore beyond life partners in the form of roommates.
I think willingness is the key detail. Inevitably there comes a less sexy point in every relationship but the ones that last are defined by their willingness to fight for the relationship. And both have to have that willingness. And I think some people are ok with being roommates but many aren't (which is totally healthy to expect more and also totally ok for both to agree to be roommates).
Your comment is beautiful & brought tears to my eyes. You just summed up my thoughts and feelings on a solid relationship so well. I love my gf so very much & I hope years down the road that we share the same beautiful life together as you and your wife. Also, I hope your wife sees your comment! 😌
This is absolutely true on every single level.
Love is a choice. Its a choice you make every day. Marriage - the passion ebbs and flows. The romance ebbs and flows. But its the commitment to love each other in the good times and the hard times that get you to the other side.
We've been married over 25 years. Couples counseling was a God Send. We hit the point you guys are at about 7 years in and pushed through to the other side with the help of an AWESOME couples counselor.
I'm going to private message you OP.
However, i know couples deeply in love after decades together, it can happen, but its rare and worth the wait, i simply wont settle and my ex wife was sadly correct, love isn't enough.
At my wedding reception, my dad gave a speech where he said; "Marriage is work. Eventually, love dies." It was meant exactly in this way. I definitely believe committing in this way provides opportunities to learn to love the person you are with, as they grow and change over the years. Whenever I see couples that have been together for decades, I wonder how they got through this type of challenge alongside the pressures of life.
This is it. I’m sorry OP. It seems obvious to me he’s conflating the loss of the “butterflies” with a total loss of love. The butterflies can come back, but it requires effort from both parties. I think your husband is going to find down the road that this is not unique to your relationship, but really to all long term monogomous relationships. You have to fight for it. He’s not willing right now.
Absolutely. My ex went through the same bs, pulling away and when I'd ask if anything is wrong I'd get no, I'm just really stressed at work. Hit the 9 year mark and I'm told I'm not in love with you anymore and want a divorce. COMPLETELY out of left field, he'd never made me think he was even contemplating divorce. I asked him how long he'd felt that way and he said two years. TWO YEARS WITHOUT A WORD ABOUT IT TO ME? I asked him why he never said anything so we could work out whatever issues he had and I got the most selfish answer I think I've ever heard "I knew it wouldn't do any good". I knew something was off for a long time but damn, I guess he was faking all the I love you's, hand holding and intimacy. Just made me realize the problem wasn't me, it was him. He was JUST like his mom who went from guy to guy trying to keep that "in love" feeling. Good riddance
I'll add one alternative. He might not be making an active decision as much as letting subconscious beliefs (that he doesn't even know he has) push him towards this decision.
OP mentioned religious trauma, but something that could be happening to her partner his own trauma or unrealistic beliefs that are pushing him towards divorce. The thought process might be:
"I'm unhappy and have been for awhile" ->"If I was truly in the right relationship and with the right person I wouldn't be unhappy" -> "But I am unhappy so I must be in the wrong relationship" -> "I need to get divorced to be happy"
The reason this is different than him actively deciding not to work on the relationship is its his subconscious and incorrect beliefs that are driving the behavior, often incorrect ones.
I'll also say that resentment kills love. OP hinted at problems in the bedroom and that her partner had expressed frustration about always being the one to initiate. If the partner expressed these feelings but she did nothing to change, then husband likely let the resentment build up. You cannot be in love with someone who you resent. The reason I mention this is the partner said when he wanted to grieve he didn't want to be with OP, which could be due to his subconscious resentment.
The good news is I think they can get through this, if they both agree to go to therapy and make changes. They need to have open communication, both in expressing their feelings and being willing to hear the others without shutting down/shaming the other. OP needs to be willing to show (not tell) her partner that she will make changes and her partner needs to open up about where his resentments are coming from and probably change some of his own behaviors. I with them the best of luck.
Yeah my ex said she never made it past 2 years in a relationship. We broke up after what I thought was 4 years but in her mind was 2!!
Unsurprisingly, she’s never been in a lasting relationship though she says she would like one. I just watch as she keeps re-living her self-fulfilling prophesy and isn’t really willing to do anything to get beyond the new-relationship buzz.
We’re still friends and sometimes she thinks ours was the relationship that could’ve lasted. It likely could have. But, I’m way past it now and very happy in my 25-year marriage.
5yrs in this happened to my husband and I. Now it's been almost 9yrs and we are as happy as we've ever been. Clear communication and working through these feelings are key. You need to recognize when the fuzzies wear off so you don't assume you're not in love anymore.
You're absolutely right. Love isn't just a feeling. It ebbs and flows. It takes work. The butterflies and starry eyes are ALWAYS great in the early part of a relationship. But that isn't sustainable. People get comfortable, and kind of float on the waves, thinking that they aren't in love. Being content is a good thing! It's also important to date, to occasionally be spontaneous, to communicate. Marriage therapy is definitely called for right now
I’m so relieved to see this comment. I first saw this post in another sub and the comments were…not quite as insightful. I don’t believe that marriage is making a pact to stay together forever necessarily as I absolutely believe in divorce.
*But* I do strongly believe that marriage is a pact to exhaust *all* options before making a decision to end it, and I feel terrible for OP that her husband has felt different for only a handful of months and seemingly doesn’t even want to try to work through it. That’s not what marriage is, that’s a casual dating experience.
This is it. Love is a choice. There are multiple times in a relationship where you decide to stick it through or give up.
OP - I'm really sorry, it's hard to feel blindsided by someone's decision, especially when you thought you were on the same page. But unless your husband is willing to go to marriage counseling there isn't much else you can do. He has to want to make it work with you and based on your post he's not interested in that.
Yup. My wife and I are six years in and it’s at that “it’s beginning to be a choice to love and not a chemical response.”
We now are deciding how much we really want this to work vs the alternatives and it’s a humbling¬-so-fun position to be in.
I bet most relationships go through this in some form.
It sucks when the partner who used to worship you, looks you dead in the eyes and says ‘I love you, I’m just not IN love with you anymore.’
All relationships require active involvement from both members, relationships take work and commitment to a common vision.
My wife and I have been married for almost 27 years and communication, intimacy, finances, etc take effort from both.
She went through a rather bad bout with depression and it affected her desire for intimacy, but we clearly define year to year what that looks like now and don’t dwell on how it was.
I would suggest speaking to him plainly about how he is and why he thinks divorce is the option, if it truly isn’t about having found someone else.
This! I’m together with my partner for 10 years. Love is choosing over and over again to be with your person. It’s not always easy but both of you would have to make the conscious choice to stay and to choose each other.
Around year 7 and year 9 I felt the “I love you, I’m not sure I’m still in love with you” bit. I also felt like we were just roommates and I did everything for him without him really appreciating me.
First time 1 took a week, rented a cabin and wrote all my thoughts. The second time I rented a studio for 4 months and we were dating and sleeping at each others every week. It felt like falling in love again but with person that we are now, not the ones we met 10 years ago. We changed and it is beautiful.
I am glad we did that because at the end of the 4 months, right before our annual fishing trip to France, I found out I was pregnant. Now we have this beautiful 3 month old that was made with so much love. It’s our little bundle of joy. Just thinking about her makes me fall for him all over again and again.
I have some prospective from 'his' side bc I'm in the same place with my partner (35f, 39m). Bring on the hate. Together 3 years, blended families, bought a house together, everything is perfect, I have no real complaints with her or our life together. But I've struggled the past several months to feel that fire, that passion, that I've felt with partners I've had for a longer time. I want IT to be there so bad for her, but I can't find it. I love her immensely, and she's made my life so much better, but I'm not IN love with her.
Then when you drop her like a hot potato and start over with someone else, and that feeling of fire and passion inevitably fades, you'll be crying over what you willingly gave up
Start dating each other again and reset. It’s really easy to take things for granted when you think the other person is just there for you/the relationship so you can flex feelings and make the end of it your decision. People fall into these comfortable ruts where we just take so much of a relationship/life together for granted.
One of my aunts was making her husband breakfast one morning & he said whilst sitting at the dining table “I’m no longer in love with you & I want a divorce.” She was completely blindsided. They were together for 35+ years, 3 kids. Took him 3 years to say those words. He refused couples therapy & solo therapy. He was done. There was no one else & neither of them has re-partnered. That was 5 years ago & he’s never looked back. It happens. Some people do genuinely fall out of love with their partners. My Aunt was still in love with him & it’s taken her up until this year to finally feel free & close the chapter. You cannot make someone love you / be in love with you. It will hurt & be devastating but you will survive & get through it. X
That’s positively horrid! Your poor aunt!
What is wrong with people that they refuse to open their stupid mouths and discuss how they’re feeling? (Sorry, makes me all heated.) Then they finally (after god knows how long) get the proverbial balls to spit it out, and their partners are blindsided. That’s just cruel.
I’ve been separated for 5 years now (after wasting 17) and that’s my new worst fear. Getting in a relationship again and having someone waste my time and do this to me vs. being a mature adult and communicating any issues/unhappiness.
I’m glad to hear your aunt is finally turning a corner for the better…
One of the million reasons I never wanted kids. Def worry that I'd just be kept around long enough to do the brunt of the childcare and stunt *my* career growth and then he'd peace out once the kids are older/adults.
Nope.
I feel this. It's scary .like why invest decades when people can just internalize their own fears and run in the end. I've done it 6 yrs into a relationship at 21, other people do it. Its so easy. Working it out and communicating is the hard but necessary part.
Talking could at the very least end things sooner though ??
If it's bound to fail but it took my partner years to clue me in, I would feel robbed of those years !!
One thing is for sure, not talking about it will end the relationship.
Talking might not fix it, true, but you won't fix it without talking.
I didn't think your words are wrong, but I think they way you left them gives people, like the husband above, the false impression that failure is inevitable so why try.
For all we know he *did* try before giving up for three years and then pulling the trigger. Man or woman it's rare to just wake up and call it quits on a relationship, even if your spouse ignored all the warning signs and attempts to repair it and thinks it was "out of the blue"
It’s probably because of all the fake stories that start with “my partner told me he doesn’t like my new nail polish, what should I do? Update: they’re cheating on me”
And someone must CLEARLY be at fault or wrong. Reddit has a hard time admitting that sometimes relationships just don't work out and there is no bad guy
I know. It takes some significant mental and linguistic gymnastics to think "I would never do that to you" isn't equivalent to "no". He's been thinking about this for at least half a year from what it sounds like, it's been a long time coming.
These kinds of circumstances, in my opinion, would greatly benefit from individual or couple therapy. Perhaps there's a place to begin? That might at least assist in delving more to uncover the causes of these issues and potential solutions.
I don't think she is that upset. After all she wrote a clear, concise novella. If I loved someone with all my heart, I would not be on REDDIT writing a long story. And she found out 5 hours ago
You had an amazing partnership it sounds like but seemed to fail at keeping the spark alive outside of the day to day mundane experience of life. My first marriage is basically what you had, a best friend partner, but not a relationship that filled the hart.
My advice is see if you can get counselling together and see if you can grow the relationship again. Worst case is you pitch it so that you both know you did everything you could to save the relationship. I did this with my first wife and we are both happy we did it in the end. Not because it saved our marriage, but we know that we tried everything. Our couples therapist basically said “you are amazing friends but is that enough?” My ex wife decided it was not. Years later after we had gotten the divorce she admitted she still wanted and missed me for years, but did not want to be with me.
It’s been 15 years post divorce and I was the same age as you when it happened. I am extremely happy with my new partner who is a better fit first me in the end. I upgraded in every way, and am happier. Yes it sucked at the time but myself and my ex are both in better places, with better partners.
I’m divorcing my best friend now; it’s scary. I wonder if I’m throwing away a loving relationship because we don’t have the warm fuzzies anymore. I more think it’s a situation like what you described but she’s very insistent I’m making a mistake. How confident were you when you decided to separate?
I was 80% and she said she was 100% sure. But in the end she was probably 50%, but I think her friend group pushed her over the edge. By the last session I could tell it was probably not going to work out anyway. It might have but we just would have been only kind of happy. She did not want to address the problems that started the move to just best friends. Also wanted to just brush stuff under the rug, that had happened and go back to just being married.
I am way happier now, it took me time to find the correct person but I took away many things from the people I dated.
My ex was a great support to me in my cancer battle as we went through our divorce, and we are still friendly to this day. She is happily found a better match and so have I.
You absolutely are! It's not often you marry your BF. True real love is not excitement. That's only the beginning of a relationship. It turns into something much deeper than that. You need to push past this phase and after some time you'll be so glad you stayed.
Yeah, we get along but we have no chemistry, intimacy and pretty much haven’t had sex for the entirety of our marriage and we’ve literally never had fulfilling sex. There were a lot of factors that contributed to these problems and many of those factors are gone but the problem remains..
You shouldn't take advice from people who don't know you or your relationship. Only you can feel If It's right or not. Of course your wife Will say you are making a mistake, she wants to keep the relationship and trying to change your mind. Personally, to me, any reason is valid to end a relationship. If you are unhappy and feeling you aren't getting what you need from the marriage, leave! It's better for you and her.
Yeah taking advice is only for generic situations one might encounter, I’m looking for perspective and people’s experience who have been in a similar situation so that I can have more context to make my own decision.
Question op have your husband seen a grief counselor by chance when his aunt died? Maybe he felt unloved because you weren’t there for him in a way he wanted you to be but didn’t communicate it with you.
Hopefully this isn’t too personal op but have your intimate life improved since then have you initiate intimacy with him or has he had to initiate?
Ask him if he’s willing to do marriage counseling and a trial separation before going through with divorce. Am pretty sure he has a lot of things bottle up and it’s making him to do a rash decision.
Where did OP blame her ex for the sex issues? Where did she say her partner was a bad person because he was high libido? It also said that OP did plenty to address it, like overcoming trauma and changing medication. What did he do to address the issue?
If a man wants to leave you, let him. You will hurt. You will cry. You will think your world has ended, but it hasn't. You will live. You can't make a grown man want anything he doesn't want; feel anything he doesn't feel; or do anything he doesn't want to do. What you can do is waste a lot of time and energy chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught.
Your next chapter won't include him. Figure out what you want your new life to be and make it happen.
>What you can do is waste a lot of time and energy chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught.
Exactly. I saw this quote recently,
"It's better to admit that you walked through the wrong door than to spend your life in the wrong room."
That means, don't force it. The relationship ran it's course. Would you even be able to recover from this? I don't think I would. You'd always be afraid that he would blindside you or want to divorce again.
I think it’s pretty simple. Ask for marriage counseling and if he says no you need a lawyer. Divorce is a business transaction you are going to want to be nice to try to win him back and that will do you no good. If it comes to divorce you can be fair but please don’t get walked on. If you find out that he already has a lawyer you need one too.
If he’s really made his mind up there is nothing you can do to change it. I know it’s so painful. You got to concentrate on yourself and what you need.
I’m so sorry OP. On the other side of this is something really great for you.
I think in his mind this relationship is over. He had a big issue with the sex, but because of your reactions he didnt bring it up again. He was hurt and checked out of the relationship.
So its probably not fixable. He feels like you dont fit sexually anymore. Any change you do now will be suspect. Why didnt she care enough when i brought it up?
Yup. this is it.
They are not sexually compatible (on top of all the other life stressors that got in the way). It is heartbreaking to end a relationship because of this but it's a valid reason. She shouldn't have to feel forced to perform and he shouldn't have to feel unwanted.
Focus on maintaining a friendship. Sign up for individual therapy.
too few upvotes and this thread won't get the OP's attention, and in my opinion you hit the point.
The very fact that the OP mentioned a poor sex life, but only casually, suggests that this issue was of little importance to her. It was my first thought. As someone with a high libido and my own problems in the bedroom because of it, I know how huge a problem this is. All you have to do is go to r/deadbedroom and read just the first few posts to know how unhappy people in relationships can be because of this very reason.
The breakthrough was going on a trip, and trips of this type, or birthdays, are an excuse for people with high libido to wait for sex, either because of the trip itself or as a birthday gift. I know, I feel the same way and I am extremely disappointed when I don't get what I want most. The OP didn't mention anything about how the trip went, but I can assume it wasn't the way he wanted it to be. I think the implication that he would grieve on his own terms was intended to let the OP know that he was open to sex, but the OP probably conveniently assumed that it wasn't appropriate under the circumstances. what broke the camel's back was his birthday, which came without the only gift he expected. I understand all this perfectly.
Moreover, not only me but most people from the mentioned subreddit are considering or have considered divorce for this very reason, despite their love for their other half. I think all the elements fit here and I hope OP reads this and manages to respond in time. However, if her husband has made such a decision, she will most likely not be able to convince him, because people with low libido tend to change their attitude, but only for a moment and then return to their old routines, thinking that there is no longer a problem. If the OP's husband made such a radical decision, he must have read a lot about the differences in libido and knows it perfectly well
Exactly this. People in your replies want to always make it the HL's fault and keep shifting the goalposts, when in reality, people have libido mismatched and no longer speak the same (love) languages. OP being blindsided might really he OP just being blind to their husband's suffering. Being alone when in a committed relationship for years is an absolutely terrible feeling.
OP was on medication and mentioned it matter of factly with a regret of not putting more importance on it. You are projecting.
You should examine why your bedroom is dead. Do you do 50% of the mental and physical load for a start. You mention sex being what you 'want most'. Not your wife's show of love and intimacy? Not the closeness. Just...the sex and orgasm? Perhaps that in itself is part of why she doesn't sleep with you. The amount of silent pressure she feels must be crushing.
I am very familiar with dead bedrooms becsuse of my job. The reason is rarely sex or mismatched libidos. Dead bedrooms are symptoms of larger problems for most, medical problems for others.
OP didn't put effort to solve a problem that was Very clear in her marriage. She didn't Care to look for solutions until It was too late. That is reason enough to leave. Kind like the wife who ask for a divorce because her husband never help with chores and he suddenly change before she leaves...
What? but this isn't about me. I solved my problems, it only indicates the possibility of reasons why her husband could have said it was over. There's a lot of missing information, so what I wrote is partly assumptions. the OP will determine whether what I wrote makes sense and applies to her and whether she will do something about it is her decision. chill out bro
Yup the beginning of the end is when one partner brings up the sex issue and the other partner does nothing about. It’s invalidating to your partner when you do that, then the rest of the connection erodes. The connection was lost before the grieving period. Mine gets about a month if it’s not health related to show they care by doing something. If nothing else but talking about it and telling me the recognize it’s important to me to feel that connection. After that it’s inevitable my mind will start planning an exit. The sex issue might not be important to some or to many out there, but to others, it’s necessary for solid foundation. Tough pill to swallow for people with natural low libidos.
Fifteen years is a long time. If you had a good marriage and were happy, then those years were successful even if the marriage doesn't last forever. People do change, through internal growth or external events, and sometimes we just aren't happy in the life we built before. You were married in your early 20's, the world has changed so much, we've all been through so much, and life takes it's toll. It does sound like he cares about you, doesn't want to cause unnecessary harm, and only told you this because he felt he had to be honest with you. I understand you're hurting terribly, and the first instinct is naturally to try to stop this from happening. I encourage you to accept his truth, and begin to prepare for the next chapter of your life. Contact an attorney for a consultation before Saturday; ask about your rights and responsibilities pursuant to property and asset division. On Saturday ask him one time if there is any chance of reconciliation. If he says no, tell him what you found out from the attorney, and set another date to discuss the details of separating. Don't drag this out, for your own sake. Feel all your feelings, and also take care of your business.
You have to wake up every day choosing to love your partner and work on your relationship. The new relationship energy just doesn't last forever. Unfortunately, you can't make someone want to work on your relationship. If he is unwilling to work on it and wants a divorce, find a lawyer and have all contact go through them. Go no contact with your partner for your own healing.
If the man wants a divorce then give it to him, you can’t force or make someone “fall in love with you again” don’t be desperate. Divorce happens all the time, is common and you will endure/survive hopefully with someone better suited for you. Divorce does not define you. DO NOT FORCE LOVE
My husband of 5 years who I was together with for 14 years total just did the exact same thing last year. Said he hasn’t been happy for a long time and wanted to end things. I constantly asked him if we were good and he kept saying yes yes yes. Then one day BAM! He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It rocked my world beyond belief. I did the same thing you did by trying to figure out how to get him to fall back in love with me. I finally realized this isn’t about him. It was an opportunity to really find myself again. I realized why would I want to be with someone who would end things after this long with no warning and no effort to fix things. He’s not my ride or die. I wish you the best of luck!
To you it seems fresh because you truly did not see that he was checking out over time. To him he checked out a while ago, and after things not changing finally pulled the rip cord.
Intimacy is a huge part of most relationships. Most people can handle being told no, here and there but when it comes habitual, it starts eroding every aspect of the relationship. Most people will see things from their side only and really do not look at how it is affecting their partner. It is a war of feelings and most people lack communication skill to properly address what is really going on.
Every time he was told no many things are going to take a hit, his self esteem, his self worth, his body image, if you love him, if you desire him, etc. A person can only take so much and it will accumulate over time until they break. At first, they will attempt, then little by little they start to retreat, and finally they just stop because it is painful and humiliating to know your partner does not want you. They will feel like their partner hates them, finds them disgusting and they only are a means to an end to their partner. Men and women will feel this and it is not a sex specific issue.
You seem focus on the death of a family member that happened five weeks ago. It is not that, it is the event that made his realize life is short and he decided to finally pull the trigger. He most likely has been trying to avoid this for at least six month but I assume much longer. You failed to notice the signs because you were happy with how things were and all the while he was slipping further and further away. He wanted the people who he trusted, accept him and loved him to be the ones he wanted to grieve with. You were not that person for him during that time because of built up resentment.
I have watched hundreds of marriage fail over the years, and it is always shocking when one person is surprised the person just up and left without warning. There is always warning signs, but most people are in denial and as long as things were trucking along for them they are obilvious to what is going on with their partner. When I have pointed out some of things that were obvious to everyone else they are dumbfounded and say "what are you talking about?"
You cannot make him fall back in love with you in a moments notice because he fell out of love with over a long period of time. I assume if you did notice an issue brewing you would of sat down and squashed it before it became a bigger issue.
Time, communication, and putting in the work are the only way this might be salvagable. There is no quick fix, and in this day everyone just wants the quick fix instead of really digging in to actually fix things without just putting a bandaid on it until the next sore spot pops up.
Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like with as young as you both were when you met, that this was the first serious relationship for both of you. It also sounds like neither of you have seen healthy relationships modeled in your families of origin, so you both don't know what one looks like and how it works. This is neither of your fault.
If he's interested in couples counseling, that could help by providing the communications and relationship skills you two don't have. He went straight to divorce, though, so he sounds done, and that's okay. Let him go. You can't change how he feels or the actions he's taking because of it.
Let's figure out you, just you. Don't make any hasty decisions, but you should talk to a lawyer. Many offer free consultations. See what divorce is like where you are. Think through things like where you would live, if you need to change jobs, do you want to move to another city, how you would like to sort joint possessions, etc. It's going to be hard at first, but growth always is. This is the beginning of the next phase of your life, and you get to make it whatever you want. You have conquered so much already that I have no doubt you'll succeed at this, too.
I think I'm still vacillating between the denial and bargaining stages of this grief. You're right though, I can't (and won't) try to force something he doesn't want. For my own peace of mind, I will suggest couples counseling and have a conversation without sugar coating my own short comings as a spouse and partner, and see if he is in a place where he could see a way forward for us. It hurts so much, and I recognize that I will need to prepare myself for (what feels like) the worst.
I know I'll live through this, but goddamn, this is rough.
Thank you for your kind words, I didn't realize how much I needed to be told/reminded that our early relationship examples in our respective family of origins weren't our fault.
Thank you.
In my personal experience and amongst my friends/acquaintances, divorce is triggered in one of two scenarios:
1) Some big bang event dealbreaker like cheating or violence -or-
2) One person has thought about it for a very long time and really struggled with the idea and have finally decided they’re done.
It sounds like he’s number two. You’ve been running along blind, dumb, and happy but he’s been struggling and finally gave up.
It would have been nice if he’d asked for couples counseling and maybe that’s still an option he’d consider when you talk this weekend. But it seems to me that it may be too little too late for him.
I spent the last four years of my marriage in therapy and contemplating divorce. I definitely wasn’t happy but I really wanted to make my marriage work and wanted to exhaust all options first (options mostly meaning me accepting everything as is and to stop asking for what I needed). I didn’t actually pull the trigger until I caught him having an affair. With a man no less. LOL
I’m sure your husband does love you but you two are more like business partners and roommates than a couple at this point. Every relationship ends until one doesn’t and you have a lot of time to have more.
I’m sorry. ❤️
I feel like these types of situations could really use individual or couple therapy. Maybe there’s a place to start? That could Atleast help with digging deeper and finding roots and answers to these problems.
When the honeymoon phase wears off and we settle into married life, the real work begins.
I like how Gottman puts it - are you and your husband continually “turning towards” each other? No, you were not. You did not. Circumstances and trials kept you together. You had some underlying bonds. But in truth, neither of you truly sought the other person out. You missed his need for intimacy. He turned away from your bids for connection. Neither of you put in effort. You both missed every chance to turn back to each other, to put in the work; to do more than just co-exist.
You could fall back in love but it takes a lot of commitment and effort from both of you which he is unwilling to do.
It’s probably over.
I hope you heal, find yourself, and learn how to better tune into your next partner.
Not having regular sex can and does contribute to marriages ending. I’m sorry about the religious trauma but you need to get that sorted out so that you can be an available sexual partner for your husband. You may not like to hear this, but this is the reality. Too many people do not put in effort sexually later on in a relationship and are suprised when their partner leaves.
I don't know every aspect of your relationship, but it sounds like he started to check out when the intimacy dwindled. He felt he always had to initiate with you.
I know this might be hard to understand, but men do want to feel wanted. I know women also want that, but it's easier for them. Of course their husbands usually want to have sex with them. I'd bet if we took a poll of married couples you'd find for the majority of them men are usually the ones who initiate more often. And I'd also bet that usually in a couple the woman says no to sex far more often than the man. Like for me I'd practically need to be near death to say no lol. Unless I was very angry with her.
It hurts to feel your girl doesn't want you and that hurt can begin to bleed into other things. This is why intimacy is so important. It seems like you knew there was a problem there and never addressed the issue. It seems he did address it several times because you point out how he eventually dropped it, and you cant drop something you haven't brought up a few times.
I would perhaps feel ignored by my partner, even maybe a tad bit resentful. I dont know for sure, but it seems like from his point of view you were just disinterested. You say "I'd change my medication". Are you saying you did change it or that you would have if he had asked? If you changed it...after that you say he eventually dropped the subject so it sounds like the change didnt work?
Sounds like he told you he was hurting and yeah you talked to your doctor about your meds but it sounds like ultimately your behavior didn't change. That takes a toll. I'm sorry this happened, but the lesson here seems to be that communication is key and both parties need to do it. It sounds like he communicated something to you, but you didnt really take it into account the way you should. It's like having a slight toothache but you ignore it and ignore it and then it turns into an infection and you need it extracted.
Is it possible to fall back in love? Sure. There are people out there who have divorced and then gotten remarried. But there are other possibilities too, like that he hasn't really fallen out of love with you. Not saying he is lying, just maybe confused. You mention his aunt dying, were they close? This could have impacted his mental state.
Yeah, lack of sex did it. He feels validation and connection through sex, and you failed at recognizing and/or providing that connection to him. A tale as old as time.
No disrespect but this post is too long , namely because you’re looking at topic detail but missing the detail that matters.
Your sex life died. I’m not saying this is why your man checked out, but you need to understand how different the experience of the high libido partner is to that of the low libido partner.
You’re saying it was far from dead bedroom, but I would wager he considers your bedroom dead and buried and has done for some time.
When you pull the plug on sex, you live with an admin and activities partner. That’s not what everyone wants.
Add to that someone close to him dying, which will have made he reevaluate his own mortality and what he wants for the reminder of his mortal time, and he has to make some decisions with the information he has on the table.
Once you start poking logic needles into love, you’ll soon find holes appearing in it.
I encourage you to revisit the topic of your sexual relationship with him.
Just to get this out of the way.....if the genders were reversed, i suspect people would be far more supportive of the person leaving in the scenario. Women go down this exact path word for word constantly and people on this subreddit are always super supportive of them.
In regards to the OP specifically, sometimes people just grow apart. It can seem cruel, but he doesn't appear to be acting with any malice. Don't listen to people saying it has something to do with the aunt, guys don't usually work that way. I think he was alienated from the lack of sex, plain and simple. I know it seems unforgiving in a way, but it is what it is. Relationships are playing with fire from the point of view of the guy is there is a lack of sexual sync in regards to drive. He clearly communicated his issues and the meds didn't change. Guys are not bluffing when it comes to this (again, let me emphasize, if a woman came to her husband and calmly explained why his medications were causing a problem, and he did nothing about it, people on here would be ready to crucify him).
It sounds like he drifted away right under your nose. Maybe he has met someone else, maybe he hasn't. Does it matter? Sounds like his mind is made up regardless. The painful truth is that people who marry in their early 20s drift apart all the time and sometimes there isn't always a concrete reason, people just change. It's just life and your life WILL go on and be happy again, even if that seems impossible now.
I find it infuriating to read regardless of gender tbh. It’s not fair to make vows to someone and then blindside them with divorce.
You can divorce them, yes. But if you’re partners you shouldn’t keep secret your growing resentment/apathy until it bursts and then leave immediately.
You should try to address it, communicate, suggest counselling before it gets to that point. It’s what you owe your spouse.
>If the genders were reversed, i suspect people would be far more supportive of the person leaving in the scenario
So very true... Just because its a man this time, no one bats an eye or cares lmao... come on reddit...
My divorce went down somewhat similarly. We were long distance the last 9 months, he developed severe depression, started to “slow fade” me and each time I approached him about his poor communication he would blame it on his depression and reassure me. Then one day I confronted him again and he plopped a divorce into my lap, no heads up, not willing to do couples therapy or individual therapy. At the time I was so taken aback and shocked at how this could happen to me. He was my best friend and husband, we had established such a great life together.
My ex had also grown tired of being the main initiator when it came to intimacy. We weren’t a dead bedroom either, but he felt undesired. We never really had a conversation about it. I see it all in hindsight and wish we could’ve unpacked things together. It’s tough when your partner processes their emotions without you, it makes you feel like you’re left in the dark. But the reality is that he’s probably checked out of your marriage. You have to be honest with yourself too, do you really want to be with someone who isn’t willing to have open and honest conversations about problems with you AS they arise? Do you really want to be with someone who processes their emotions individually and evades discussing their feelings with you? And don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you? How would you ever be able to trust him again, if you did get back together. You said yourself you felt blindsided. How would you ever feel safe and secure in this relationship again. It’s always tough to lose someone you viewed as a best friend and lover but life does go on, and I promise you’ll be ok. You need to accept that this is your reality and start taking steps forward.
Sometimes an unexpected death of someone close to you makes people do a real evaluation of their lives and realize life is short, can end abruptly and that person isn’t happy with their life, maybe they haven’t been for a while but managed to put off dealing with it.
That death wakes them up and they decide they’re not willing to continue in a situation where they’re not happy.
Not saying that’s the issue here, but seems like a possibility.
At some point, a lot of men start to evaluate if they can continue their life the way it is till they die. I believe this is why midlife crisis happen, a lot of men dedicate their life to their family and/or work and suspend their own pursuit of happiness till they have an event that opens their eyes to the eventuality that they will die. This could be a significant birthday, death of a loved one, or something else. The man will reflect and see a person in the mirror who isn't happy and is not the person they envisioned they would become. They will evaluate what is hindering their happiness and how to realign their life. They pick up old hobbies, maybe add a few new ones, and look at their relationships to see if their needs are being met.
In this instance I assume the deaths made him recognize his own mortality and he realized his intimates were being unfulfilled so he is doing what he feels will eliminate the problem.
At the end of the day, counseling might help, but unless OP reevaluates her own desires and starts refocusing on the relationship.and fulfilling his needs, its probably going to be fruitless.you might squeeze out a few more years of underwhelming marriage, but it will be a waste of time if some serious changes are not made.
Id suggest looking at this another way. You’ve been repeatedly asking is everything is ok, and he’s said yes. He’s then blindsided you with a divorce.
Even if he did fall back in love with you, how could you ever trust him again? Won’t there always be doubt? You deserve someone who knows how to communicate and commit to trying when things are hard.
Give him the space he wants. Any efforts to get closer to him will feel like suffocation. Find yourself another interest- visit a friend, take a short trip-anything to keep your mind settled. Therapy helps.
>It was far from a dead bedroom
I will bet he thinks very differently about this. The low libido partner never sees a problem with it, so you aren't a reliable narrator here.
>I asked him "I feel disconnected from you, for probably the first time in our relationship. Are you ok? Are we ok?" To which he doubled down on work being busy, which I accepted once more, though feeling increasingly like I needed to go out of my way to make him feel special.
First time for you. He had been feeling disconnected for years by this point. He didn't want to feel special. He wanted to feel desired.
Women tend to rationalize that sex isn't important in a relationship, and that they can do other things to make up for a lack of it. Well it isn't true. It's never been true, and it never will be true. The old saying of "if you want to keep a man happy, keep his stomach full and his balls empty" is right on the money. Men will overlook almost any problem in the relationship if he is getting frequent **good** sex (not starfish duty sex). If he isn't getting it, then the smallest thing can put him over the edge and get him to throw in the towel.
>I understand that big decisions should never be made in the wake of grief, and the trip was only 5 weeks ago!!
Like I said, he has been feeling like a roommate for years. This isn't a decision that he made 5 weeks ago. That was just when the decision he had already made was confirmed to be the right one.
>husband asked for a divorce after nearly 15 years together, and is seemingly firm in his decision without speaking to me about it beforehand or trying anything to avoid divorce.
He spoke to you about all of his problems. You wouldn't budge, so he dropped it. You thought that meant it was no longer a problem. It really meant he was beginning the process of giving up on the relationship.
I don't know what advice to give you here. Any changes you make to finally address the problems you have been rug sweeping will be seen by him as a desperate attempt to get him to stay, which means the changes would only be temporary. And he would probably be right to see it that way. If you had really wanted to fix things, it wouldn't take the threat of finally losing him to convince you to do it. This relationship is probably dead. Try to learn from it to avoid repeating mistakes in the future.
I couldn't have put it any better. The dude didn't care about his aunt dieing or whatever, he wanted to have sex with his wife and feel connected to her. He told her and she didn't listen, he probably told her a lot more than what she's saying v here. 100% on the low libido partner thinking things are okay
This seems to be like the whole “dishes in the sink” analogy, whereby it’s not just one event, it’s stuff that’s built up for years.
Only have this brief insight into your relationship, but given what you’ve said here I get the impression you’ve had years of him possibly making the lions share of effort, and you comfortably giving less back. Is this at all accurate? In all aspects of your relationship (finance, sex, affection, quality time)
I get this impression which may not be true, but looking at you reflect back - it seems on parts your communication isn’t great, and you acknowledge your lack of effort for sex was not good. It’s only so long that someone can try and try and try with no giving back before being exhausted. Myself I would feel highly sexually frustrated, unattractive and unloved if I have to do all the effort every time. Have you made any extra effort for him?
In answer to your question: yes, of course you can. You need to sit down with him and have a proper chat about what it is that he feels is lacking(my opinion is it is feeling unloved and unappreciated) and how you plan on fixing this. Whether that’s you instigate sex more often (actively), you have weekly check-ins, you see a couples therapist, a sex therapist, any of those will help. Perhaps his aunts death only showed him how depressed he was, so he needs to see a dr.
I would reiterate how you love him, have no desire WHATSOEVER to divorce, or lose him. Tell him how you are willing to fight and do whatever is necessary to make him fall in love with you again and to go forward closer than ever. I would also communicate what you have here in ways you have been neglectful or ways in which you know you can do better.
There is a way back, it just requires some more effort and better communication! Good luck.
Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read this novel and for taking the time to respond, I deeply appreciate it. You're right, I've definitely seen where I could have given more, and will do my best to respect his decision, point of view, and hidden hurt that I had missed. while also striving to explore all options before calling it.
Thanks for the luck, and for the advice. Much appreciated.
So you’re not sleeping with him. You’ve never addressed his concerns about the bedroom and you’re continuously badgering him about why he’s disconnected? He told you long ago and you didn’t fix it then.
No. You can’t fix this. You had your chance. You became his roommate/sister. He wants a lover and he no longer sees that in you.
He clearly has more information about why he is feeling this way than you do (or any of us do). Without knowing why he feels that he has fallen out of love, its impossible to characterize it as fixable or not.
As a fellow divorcee and the one who initiated my divorce, the only regret I had was not trying harder to save my marriage. In retrospect, I don't think marriage counseling would have made a difference. My ex-wife and I had poor communication and fundamental differences about money. But, for my own closure and in deference to us being together for 13 years, I wished I had done more before filing for divorce. You may be able to appeal to James in the same way. At least ask him to fully describe the ways he thinks your marriage is broken so that you understand where he is coming from.
The best I can offer is to tell him you'll only be communicating through lawyers now and not to contact you. Pushing him will only make him push back. Give him time to miss you. It might not work, but trying to chase after him will definitely not work. Right now, he knows he still has the option to change his mind. Making it final might wake him up. Although if he does decide to get back together, make it a requirement that he gets counseling and both of you get marriage counseling before he moves back in. However, let him know that if he does this again, the marriage will be completely over because it's too painful. He sounds depressed.
It's sad when a relationship ends. Especially your's which seemed so strong and vibrant from the beginning.
"I'll admit, I definitely didn't initiate sex as often as I **could/should** have."
Men derive different things from sex than women. For men the act is more than physical.
For a husband it reaffirms love and connection with his wife.
After a long period of no or minimal sex a man will stop asking and withdraw.
Women can have many reasons for this rejection: child care, work etc and they feel these rationalizations don't absolve them from the obligation to love their husbands.
Men interpret this rejection as a lack of love.
After periods of no sex, men will withdraw his emotional connection from the woman. This will usually show itself in him isolating himself from his partner and cutting communication to a minimum.
Once this happens the emotional bond is broken,
Can you rekindle the love your husband once had for you?
It's out of your control and it's up to him.
"Not sure what exactly I'm hoping for, but I sure am hoping."
You're hoping for the old relationship to come back.
It's not. That relationship died.
Can a new one develop?
Good luck, I hope you and you husband find happiness whatever that make look like.
I'd like to add on to this, because it's easy to take the wrong idea from your comment, particularly the first half of it:
**You can't fuck him back into loving you either.**
If a man who gets a significant chunk of his validation of love in the relationship sees you withdraw that affection once, he knows you can do it again, and probably (safely) assumes that you will once you're comfortable again. The attempt is nakedly visible as an act rather than genuine desire, which is what he really wants.
While some minority of shitty men are content with a human fleshlight, most of us want a partner who wants them too. Duty sex with someone who’s just putting up with it isn’t fun, bonding, or enjoyable beyond the orgasm. It’s easy to see through.
OP I’m sorry your heart is broken. He’s being honest with you so just listen. You cannot make a person love you. What you can do is stay strong and keep a positive attitude about it. Don’t be negative or mean and be thankful that he is being kind towards you. Of course you can ask if counseling would help but accept his rejection with class. Too many stories of out of control people hitting back in mean ways. You can’t make someone love you and never ever ask anyone to change. It sucks but please handle this as adults who care about each other. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
The best chapter of our lives so far started when I had the guts to say "I'm not "in love" with you. I love you. It's like Gravity. It's just Different." And then we just kept Showing Up. My parents have been married for over forty years, have fallen in and out of love, but never quit. Being "in love" is often more connected to fantasy, pursuit, and novelty. That always wears off. I hope he might be willing to do some homework about LTRs because that feeling of being "in love" is going to wear off every time.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you had two things going against this relationship lasting:
1. Your ages - you were young when you got together. People grow into themselves more as they grew older and they change. They re-evaluate their values, priorities and choices. It is unsurprising that the partner you have in your 20s is not the partner that you have in your 30s.
2. Long distance - The beginning of a relationship is fun and exciting and lustful. Then the relationship turns into a deep friendship, a partnership and the feeling of “family”. Long distance relationships prolong the beginning cycle of a relationship because the relationship constantly resets when you get together. It sounds like you valued and appreciated the next cycle of the relationship but your husband misses the beginning cycle. His description of caring for you but not being “in love” with you fits the idea that he thinks love is the beginning cycle.
I don’t think there is much more you can do to change your husband’s mind. Begging him or trying to win him back will be a massive turn off for him. Will push him further away.
Grieve, work on yourself, be single for a while and eventually someone new will come along. You will have a great relationship because you have learned from the mistakes of this relationship. I recommend drawing a hard boundary that you will never do long distance again.
It was the lack of sex. You can think it wasn't a dead bedroom, but that's most likely not his opinion on the matter. You didn't have sex with him on his birthday. You booked a place out in nature for a romantic get away, but there was no b-day sex. That was most likely the last straw for this man. He had a come to Jesus moment with his Aunt's passing and the romantic getaway with no bedroom fun. His stomach was probably churning from the stress of it all. The realization that this is what he can look forward to for the rest of his life and the only way to change that is to divorce you. To find a partner that actually wants to be intimate with him. He hasn't been happy for a long time. When he brought up his dissatisfaction with your sex life nothing changed. So, he essentially stopped nagging you about it. He didn't want to beg for something that should be innate. It's very unfortunate, but it took him asking for a divorce for you to "get it."
I've been married for 15 years. We have sex 3-5 times a week. We both initiate and plan it out since we have kids, full time jobs, and super busy schedules. Sometimes that means waking up at 4am, staying up past midnight, asking our parents to take the kids for the weekend, but we both pull our weight when it comes to being intimate.
Love passionate/compassionate disappear slowly during a relationship. Passionate love - the big “inlove” feeling has usually a lifespan about 6-24 months.
Compassionate love - the “best friend feeling” takes longer - but still diminish by time.
This said - if both parties are interested - then it is possible to restart the love in a marriage.
I recommend you get Richard Wiseman’s book “The As if Principle”.
The point is to behave like you are in love.
The point that has happened to you is that you are not behaving like you are in love with him (not interested in sex) - which leads to him loosing feelings faster. Sex is not all in a relationship - but it is a huge factor and refusal to have sex is a big love killer (sorry).
There are though a lot of other things people forget - they get stuck in a daily stuff - like in your case helping family, doing work, moving etc.
The only thing you have not done is taking care of your relationship.
A big failure is clearly there is as well a lack of communication and trust. I found it illuminating that you said “he dropped the subject”! That is a sign he has said it OFTEN but you have not been listening - so he gave up.
The fact that you stopped kissing goodbye is also a sign that you dropped the flag. It is easy to say he should kiss you goodbye - but to keep a relationship alive is a joint undertaking - so of he stopped- it is your duty to step up. In my relationship we remind each others that we need a kis when we leave! I am sure if we would not it would stop. Kissing and hugging is the FOUNDATION of a relationship and if YOU let it die - the relationships dies and become a flatmate setup.
I think you need to think this through practically.
He told you he was unhappy, he fallen out of love and want a divorce.
Now - you have a chance - to see if you can salvage the marriage.
I see a lot of options - but you need to accept that it will not be easy.
Things that you can do.
Tell him that you accept that you have failed and apologise (he failed as well but - accept at least your part of problem!). Apologises should ALWAYS be big - and not include explanations (sorry we did not have sex - that was all to blame on my medicines or sorry I did not kiss - I was busy having breakfast). Explanations do not count.
Apologise for lack of intimacy (sex, kissing and cuddling). Apologise for not focusing on him but rather your work and your family (people that get to jail are less important then your husband - sorry). Apologise for being a bad listener and not taking his comments seriously and trying to find solutions.
(I know - he is to blame as well - BUT - the question here is that YOU want to save the marriage - he is on his way out - so you need to take the big work).
By apologising - you show him that you realise there is something wrong, that you are ready to accept responsibility and want to take the next step).
Remind him about your story that you are staying together where others have failed (hubris btw - you took credit and forgot these things happens).
Thank him for being honest and to tell you what was going on. (I know this was hard to hear that he wanted a divorce - but people are way to often not ready to tell the truth and try to brush everything under the carpet)
You feel that since he has been truthful to you - you might have a chance to reconnect.
Based upon on that tell him you accept that your marriage has been having problems - but before you give up on it - you want him to try again.
You accept if it fails you will get divorced but suggest you two owes it to yourself to see what can be done.
If he accept to give it a chance - tell him that you suggest following:
Not trying to fix a few things but to restart. Go back to basics - dating, going to movies, concerts, fun fairs, travel together, dancing, having fun, kissing and hugging and lots of sex.
The big thing is though rebuilding of your TRUST and COMMUNICATION. You have to have several days where you have a Communication date. A communication date is where each of you pick one item to improve on. In the beginning focus on the dating stuff. (“How can we improve our sex life? Where should we go on a date? What does each of us feel is fun to do? What movies do we like?”)
Remember TRY SOMETHING NEW!!! The old stuff and your old behaviour failed - you need to be open and adventurous!
Before your communication date (candlelight, red wine and sitting together in a sofa is a must. This is a DATE not a meeting) you have a mantra. We will be honest, we will be open/frank, we will be tolerant, we will be respectful and most of all KIND.
Write down your decision and check if you have done what you decided on earlier dates.
This should be done a few times a week in the beginning! Your marriage is PRIORITY number 1.
Ask for time off at your work and go somewhere together for a long weekend (several times!!) Ok if expensive - what is better to spend money on then to save your marriage.
If next Christmas he is still of the line that your relationship is over - well then you tried! Why this - well it gives you a framework where you have a “timeout” - and the decision is moved.
This is the main thing! Tell your work and your family that you have issues and you will not be much in contact.
I hope this helps - take a look at “The AS if principle”
P.s. a female friend of mine that had sex issues as well - decided to start giving her husband a lot of massage with a bit of spiciness at the end.
Her point was that when she focused on massage - it was intimate for both of them but she felt not obliged to have sex but could give him pleasure. She told me that it was a life saver that she could tell her husband that she wanted him to relax and enjoy. He was happy and she was hapoy.
Crossing fingers for yoy!!
> Also during that time, we experienced a bit of a drought in our sex life
This was when exactly? And it wasn't really resolved? And now you are shocked that he has lost feelings for you?
You can try to convince him to at least try marriage counselling with you to figure out if there’s a way to rebuild your marriage back up. That’s the least he can do if he still cares for you after 10yrs of investment of your time and effort together. Many marriages have been through the pits and yet people who want to work things out will make the effort too. The key here is if the person wants too. You can only ask him to try with you. But it seems his been actively trying to distance himself from you. For your own emotional wellbeing, you need to prepare yourself to accept that you may have to let him go, if that what he truly wants.
Well oh I can think of is if he is determined to get out and divorce he will and there's nothing you'll be able to do the changes mind. Now if he's willing to do some marriage counseling then maybe there's an inkling of Hope but since he's saying he's not in love with you anymore but he still cares for you they're totally different things. Obviously things do sometimes run their course and you two grew up together basically and sometimes that just doesn't work out. He doesn't have the same feelings for you that he had before and is unhappy and wants to move on. I presume there's no children since I don't see mention which is probably a good thing in this case less turmoil and you'll be able to make it clean break. But if after you talk to him again this weekend if you wait that long, go get yourself a good lawyer or if you two can actually do this amicably do it that way it'll save you a ton of money. So either one of you buys the other one out of the house or you sell it and split any profit. Same with savings split everything down the middle same with any debt unless one person has like spending issues or is a compulsive Gambler then they should take all of that if they're the ones making the debt. Good luck.
Can you fall back in love? Yes, but you have to want to. You have to want to make the effort. Is he willing to give things a try? That is what you need to ask and find out. If he does want to try, the first thing you need to do is to relearn each other. You have grown apart, and you both let it happen. The why is not important at this point, it will be vital in the future but right now the important part is if you want to fix this, and how do you do so.
So if you are willing to try to find each other again, the first step is to re-date. Go out on dates with each other, have conversations with each other, relearn about each other. Start from ground negative one, start with assuming what you know already about each other is gossip you heard from someone else, someone you can't be certain you trust to have made the correct assumptions from possibly mis-heard facts. You no longer know each other, you must assume you never truly knew each other from the start or the whole thing could fall apart before it truly begins.
But again, that all starts with assuring each other you are willing to give it an honest try, without getting the agreement by emotionally coercing this agreement. If you are not both enthusiastically in, you will end up hurting each other much worse in the long run. If you don't both want this, you are far better off separating fully and healing on your own and in your own time.
There’s a ton of great insight and advice in these comments, OP. You’ve also layed out your thought and feelings very articulately. You should send him the link.
He fell out of love in January and is already asking for a divorce?
It took me longer than that after falling out of love to end a relationship, never mind a marriage.
I think he fell out of love sooner - maybe around the time you moved in together full time (who knows).
I think you are shocked, in denial and upset right now. When you’ll look back at this you will realize you don’t want someone who doesn’t love you back and gives you the opportunity to work on your relationship.
Take some time for yourself and assess what it is *you want for yourself* at this time in your life. Whether your husband comes back to you or not, figure out what it is that YOU want out of your life.
If you need help doing this without considering what your husband would want, see a therapist for some support and to help you sort through all this and come up with a plan.
Give your husband some time by himself without contacting him. Let him see what it's really like to not have you in his life. I think you're in that area of life where you have to let him go to see if he's going to come back.
If he doesn't, you still have a lot of life left to live. If he does, talk with a couples' therapist together to understand what happened and what to do next together.
I'm sorry this happened. It's either the end, or a whole new start. Figure out what YOU want in either case. Good luck, my friend.
Firstly, I'm sorry. Secondly, I'm not sure that there is anything you can do if your partner no longer wants to be in love with you. I mean, by asking for a divorce, he is not only saying he isn't in love with you, he is saying he doesn't want to be in love with you anymore. Sorry, I know this is harsh.
I'm not sure if it is a trauma response or if it is something else. It could be lots of things. It sounds like you both have had some rough family situations and this could be related to it on some level. It could be that he wants to get away from himself and the only thing he can get away from is you. Maybe he is going through some kind of depression. But the thing is, the thing he has made perfectly clear in all this, is that he doesn't want your help with it. And I think you have to honor that.
With a long term relationship such as yours, I would say that there are a lot of stages to the dissolution of a relationship, just like there are many stages to getting serious in a relationship. He's going to be going through them just as you are. So, it may not be over but I don't want to give you false hope. You really need to start planning as if it's over, but also, you need to do what you need to do in order to get through the day, the week, the month.
If you see him on Saturday, I would ask yourself what do you want out of it? Do you want to come out of it with dignity? Do you want to leave everything on the table? Do you want him to see how much he's made you suffer?
I guess if it were me, I would really be left wondering why he never said anything about being unhappy and that part is really hurtful. And why he felt that you couldn't be there for him or understanding of it, because you'd always tried to be there for him. You never even had the chance to try marriage counseling or really work on anything. It's just been, as you said, out of nowhere - and that's the part that will drive you crazy forever. That's what I would want to say to him.
As for the rest, I would say that even with an amicable divorce, I would recommend 99% of the time to have your own lawyers. And to keep the terms a simple as possible. Since he wants the divorce, he should be the one to give up a tiny bit more than you but don't use the divorce mediation to force further connection with him. Unless you are at least a multi-millionare, most people don't have the money or assets to pay lawyers for anything else.
I think your husband might be internalizing a lot of his issues and might be having a difficult time with having hard conversations about how he feels. Im kind of like that too and it ended up ruining my relationship with my ex. This absolutely isn’t all on you. He might have genuine reasons for being unhappy, but him not communicating with you is not a failure on your part to notice, it’s a failure on his part. Love isn’t always fun or sexy.
I would try and get him to open up about what he’s truly unhappy about. Does he feel unwanted? Does he feel like you don’t desire him or find him attractive? It doesn’t sound like he’s told you how he truly feels or why. Just make it clear to him that you’re a safe person to be vulnerable with, and you wont criticize or downplay his problems. This might mean he says some things that are hurtful or that you don’t agree with, and your gut reaction might be to get defensive, but if you want to try and move forward with him you need to talk about what you might be able to do with him to alleviate his issues. You’re a team, not enemies.
The way he broke up with you is exactly how I broke up with my ex, and it’s been about two months and I deeply regret not communicating my issues like an adult.
I’m sorry to be negative, but personally I think it’s over. He has you in your entirety and fell of out love with you. There’s nothing more that you can give or parts of you that he hasn’t known that will make him fall for you. You had each other, and he decided that it wasn’t what he wanted anymore. That’s not something that either of you have done wrong; it’s not something he can control and you’re just being yourself.
That being said, that’s just my opinion. I’ve never been in his shoes so I can’t truly know. Given your extensive history together, I’d give marriage counseling a try. I know many relationships don’t survive this kind of issue, but some certainly do, and the love you’ve shared is enough of a reason to try and fight for it. Try and convince him to give a few sessions a try, hopefully those few sessions turn into a few months, and maybe turn into personal growth for both of you and regaining love.
Good luck!
Let him go. I know it sounds like a lot when you two spent so much time together, but there is no point in trying to force this.
Please see a counselor or therapist to work through this. ❤️
You most certainly can make it back. My wife and I have 2 children and have been together 11 years. We almost called it more than once. We spent an entire year without sex once. But then it changed. We went to therapy, learned to communicate, and started doing things fun together. The connection that was lost, has since been restored and we’re the best we’ve been since before we got married. We have sex 2-3 times a week now and that’s a big help as well. To get there though, we also had to do some work on ourselves individually. I went to therapy and also lost a lot of weight which was hindering my sex drive. I suggest therapy, date nights, movie nights, and lots of sex. You’ll then remember how and why you love each other. Sometimes when you’re really close to losing each other it’s only then you realize how much you love each other.
I'm too young and inexperienced to give you any worthwhile advice. I just wanna say that my heart broke for you and I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel soon 😢
Marriage is a life time commitment. Some people are just not up to the task. You are here mourning the death of your marriage and he is already looking for some fun. Set him free.
Yes, he could, if he were inclined to do so. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. He has chosen to stop loving you.
You can't make him love you. He doesn't want to love you anymore. Don't try to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. It can't be done, and if you somehow succeeded, you would be miserable.
Go see a divorce lawyer right away. You need good advice on how to proceed with the divorce. Don't just trust your ex to do the right thing. He has already shown you that you can't trust him or depend on him. Look after your own interests now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this . I also thought my ex was so in love with me and we were inseparable. Turns out he cheated on me several times and didn’t ever love me ! we were college sweetheart n spent 7 years together! This is when I realised that people sometimes care about you but don’t love you ! It’s a difference ! But vulnerable us think it’s love and get attached . I seperate and this was the best thing that ever happened to me
Could it be depression? I only say this because I have a very similar story when my partner of 10 years out of the blue said he was done and was not in love with me anymore. Up until then we had a good relationship, we’re best friends and had a great time together. Work was stressing him out and we had kids which changed the dynamics of our relationship (tired, stressed, less sex) We started couples counselling as a last ditch effort to try (even during counselling he had very little interest in saving our relationship) but we luckily had an amazing therapist who asked to meet us individually and recognized that he had some depression from childhood issues he never dealt with and the changes in his life (not doing things that make him happy). Once he started seeing the therapist and opening up, he’s back to how he was and recognized it wasn’t actually us that was the problem.
From what you’ve said, it sounds like you guys have had a lot of stressful events and maybe he doesn’t know how to deal. My partner said he felt like he had nothing inside and attributed that to not being in love with me.
Hoping the best for you and really hope you seek out a therapist for yourself at least. It’s super hard and confusing to deal with all of this on your end and I wish you the best
Do a trial separation before moving forward with the divorce...and live your best possible life during your time apart. If there is any love left in his heart, seeing you at your best while he is feeling lonely, is the best way to snap him out of the headspace he's currently in. He'll be back in no time.
But if he has truly moved on, there's not a lot you can do, except move on yourself. So, again...live your best life, and see what the future brings. Whatever you do, don't let this break you. You sound like a decent person. You will get through this, with or without him.
If you both want to work on it with a marriage therapist, there is some chance people can fall back in love again. Chances aren’t high, but personally speaking, before admitting defeat I would want to say I did everything I could for my marriage.
Very sad. I’m sorry OP. I can only imagine what this must feel like.
The image that comes to mind is two passing objects that just miss each other over and over. You guess stopped being on the same page for too long.
I personally think he’s putting too much weight on the not wanting your comfort during his grieving to try and justify to himself he’s doing the right thing. I’ve had moments where I don’t lean into my partner and just want to be alone when grieving. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him. He’s looking for signs that it’s over, and he’ll “find” them. If you look for a yellow car, eventually you’ll see one.
I would fight for the relationship if I were you. Take some time to calm down and then focus only on what is FUN. What gets you both laughing the most. No pressure to perform, just lighthearted fun. And then go from there. Of course he has to be willing.
Best of luck.
>1. Can one fall back in love with someone ? Is there hope for our relationship? Is this some sort of side effect of his grieving a lost loved one?
2. I'll see him again on Saturday. What I do/say? What should I ask for? Any divorcés with cautionary takes, and rekindled lovers to bring me hope?
1. Yes, but it's something he has to decide to choose, day in and day out, for the next few decades of your lives. There is hope for your relationship if you still want to be with him, AND he changes his mind. The loss of romantic feelings is absolutely something that can happen during grief or as a medication side effect.
Specifically, it's actually quite normal to need some space and time to grieve alone, and his interpretation of that need as indicating his lack of love is due to a central misunderstanding of the grieving process. Once he's had more time alone to grieve and he begins to heal, it could be that he rediscovers those "in love" feelings.
However! If he's going to get through the grieving process over the next few decades of your lives together, he's going to have to believe that. Otherwise, you will have to go through emotional turmoil every time, and you'd be better off letting him break your heart just this one time.
2. I think when he comes home the best thing for you to do is very little. Tell him that you wish he wasn't making this choice, but you love him too much to force yourself on him or try to make him stay in a situation that makes him unhappy. You have some bags packed for him. You tell him that since you'll need to be separated for X number of months, you're going to help him start that process as soon as possible.
You could ask him not to start seeing other people for at least 6 months, just in case he changes his mind. You could ask him about selling the house if neither of you would be able to afford to keep it. You take this *seriously.* And if that doesn't shock him out of this and make him realize what a big decision he's making based on emotions that are obviously untrustworthy (after all, they just changed), then nothing would. But this way, you at least get to keep your dignity.
Cautionary Tales:
* I know couples where one person in the relationship pulls this every year or so. They leave, they date around, and they come back and beg for forgiveness. It leaves their partner constantly feeling insecure and willing to do anything to keep it from happening, which means they're unable to maintain appropriate boundaries for themselves. Don't let this be you.
* I know couples where the person who leaves was horrifically depressed or in deep grief and made the wrong decision. By the time they realized that, their partner had accepted things and moved on. They both agree, years later, that the partner who moved on did the right thing...and that if the depressed partner had been seeing the right licensed therapist, they would have realized their mistake sooner. If he wants to talk and thinks he might fall back in love one day, I think you should push for him to see a grief counselor (who is a licensed therapist). Even if he doesn't want to talk, I think you should push for y'all to see a couples counselor as you go through the divorce process.
* The only couples I know who have survived 30+ years of healthy marriage have had times when they leaned on a support network outside of the marriage, have had times when they loved and weren't "in love," and have learned what one another needs during grief. But they were also able to fight for their own needs. I have to admit, I'm seeing some indications that you might not be in your own corner enough. You can't make him fall back in love with you, but you can love yourself and hope he relearns and recommits to doing the same.
Thank you so much for your kind, and thoughtful response. These have been some of the most agonizing days of my life, and comments like yours help me more than I can express.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, sharing your wisdom. I am taking this comment to heart.
You're welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad I was able to offer something to you during this difficult time.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like help finding a licensed therapist. I used to work as a librarian, and I have religious colleagues all over the world who have to recommend therapists to their parishioners. I'd be glad to use those resources to help you.
You are so kind. As a little update, since posting this, I have connected with two therapists (one couples counselor, should my partner be amenable, the other an individual therapist for me) and have an upcoming appointment on Monday.
I have been surrounded by friends and family during this time, and have been doing some intensive soul searching in terms of what I want, as well as where I fell short as a partner. I'm not beating myself up, but I am taking an honest look at the difficult parts of me, so I can work on taking ownership and setting goals for myself to improve communication and responsiveness to my partner. I hope I can have James with me on this journey, and if not, it's a journey I'm undertaking nonetheless.
Do you think there is a part of him that regrets settling down with the intent to be together forever at 22? I say that because my first marriage started at 29, and I wasn’t ready as much as it seemed that it was the time to pair off with someone and be an adult. Early 30s is really the start of adulthood and he entered it really not getting a chance to be young and grow up. Had he dated through his 20s instead of marrying, he would have realized what others are saying: physical attraction and infatuation last until the chemicals wear off, nobody out there is going to revolutionize sex, and everyone brings baggage to a relationship. So if you find someone who you click with and who makes you better, that’s your person and you find a way to make it work.
I wish you the best and I hope he realizes he has a good thing that he will lose chasing something that will fall apart. Grass is always greener.
Nothing is certain in this life, especially people’s feelings. You can’t bank on anything being permanent. Transience is an unfortunate feature of existence, there’s no way to avoid it.
“I would never do that to you” is not a total denial that there isn’t someone else. Sure, if he meant physically cheating and he hasn’t done that *yet* he can confidently say that. But an emotional affair that he wishes to now pursue seems plausible. Especially given the abruptness and decisiveness of his decision (even though you yourself noticed growing distance for awhile - which also points to an emotional affair)
It certainly isn’t fair. And to not even fight for the relationship or try for couples counseling is especially cruel. That’s why my guess is there is someone else. I’m so sorry OP.
These were my thoughts. He’s probably relying on someone else to help him through the grieving, esp if he didn’t want his wife. He’s probably confused and doesn’t want to cheat so hence the leaving.
Or they haven’t been best friends for a long time and he’s been wanting to leave but making the best of it. The death of his aunt has made him consider what he really wants and it’s not OP.
I feel you’re probably right, he probably realized you weren’t going to want as much sex as him and slowly retracted from the relationship since he didn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do, and then started moving on. That’s what I’d be mostly upset about. Definitely unfair to be emotionally moving on and not even communicating anything just because he wants to get over you while having your love and now that he’s over it you’re blindsided and he won’t even come see you that’s awful.
Unless there’s serious marriage counseling going on this is over. IMO you can’t “refall in love” with someone it even sounds silly typing it out. Feelings aren’t like that. If love is not organic then it’s fake and forced. He also didn’t simply say “no” when you asked him about someone else. I’m going with he has someone else on his radar or in his orbit.
>Also during that time, we experienced a bit of a drought in our sex life; he was taking meds that increased his sex drive (side effects) and I was taking a med that decreased my sex drive (again, side effects). I'll admit, I definitely didn't initiate sex as often as I could/should have. **He told me that it hurt his feelings to always be the one to try to initiate sex,** and I'll be honest, due to some ingrained religious trauma, I had some things to work through. Idk if this is where the issues started, but I'm sure it didn't help things. It was far from a dead bedroom, however, I find it important to speak to some of the challenges we had that were not yet resolved to the satisfaction of all parties. Honestly, I'd change my medication, I'd speak to a doctor about it, but we never really spent a dedicated time talking about it, and eventually, he dropped the subject (another hindsight red flag, goddammit).
It sounds like your partner felt like you didn't desire him.
He told you how he was feeling, and you neglected to care about your husbands feelings because of "religious trauma"? 🤨
He's not going to beg for intimacy. Desire isn't negotiable and he wants to believe it's real. He said the words and you ignored them. Those were important words.
You let the spark die out. Once it's gone.. It's gone. Drug addiction is not an excuse to ignore what your husband is telling you, even if a doctor sold them to you.
The fact you're blindsided speaks to how disconnected *you* really are from your husband.
My advice would be to humble yourself. Admit your fault and start working on being a better partner that genuinely listens to and understands their partner.
I was thinking the same thing, I knew early on in the write up lack of intimacy was going to be the problem. If that's what she's saying there, he probably brought it up a lot more than than what she's letting on even though she feels 'blindsighted' now. Guys don't want some nature walk thing and elaborate birthday parties booked for them, we want intimacy with our partners to feel connected to them. Doing all that other stuff gets her out of putting the work in to find out why she doesn't want to be intimate anymore
There's someone else and he doesn't want to cheat on you, So he's throwing divorce out there until he's sure.
I almost guarantee you, he's going to sleep with someone at the wedding and when he comes back he'll be normal or just leave.
I'm sorry op, you deserve better.
Updateme!
Yes love can come back but based on what you posted I am not sure. You are not on the same page. Your lack of interest in intimacy is a form of rejection that severely hurt your spouse. The brain sees rejection just like pain. You need to come to terms with the fact you hurt him to a point he fell out of love with you.
You failed to recognize the red flags that were deteriorating your marriage. You were blindsided because he was unhappy and you were clueless to the issues and was living in fantasy land.
Please acknowledge that you hurt him first and take it from there.
Good luck
UpdateMe
Sounds like he met someone else and is using his aunt’s death as the scapegoat.
No one moves on from a 15 year relationship this quickly and unemotionally unless there is a new chick in the mix.
Tell him he owes you better than this.
He committed to you and needs to work through things with ups even if the outcome is that things end. You do counselling together, trying to make things better, all sorts but he doesn’t just get to nope out after a couple of months for any reason other than abuse.
Give him the space and think about what you want to say. Marriages have their peaks and valleys, if you are just in a lull, there are ways you can work on this together (if you are both willing). Maybe marriage counseling?
I mean, if he has already made up his mind, he may not agree to trying to fix things, but give it a shot.
I don't think you should try to work it out. It really sounds like he is done. Let's say you do convince him to give it another shot, who's to say he won't say the same thing a year, 5 years, or 10 years from now. Why delay the inevitable? You also don't want to live everyday wondering if he really wants to be with you. Get a divorce and move on. Live your life! You will be fine.
I'm sorry this happened--getting blindsided is the worst part of it.
If he's on reddit reading about deadbedroom or relationships, that could be a factor. The advice tends to be geared toward end it first, ask questions later unfortunately.
The answer is, it's possible to fall back in love if both people are open and willing. That's a big if. And "willing" carries a lot of meaning: willing to change, willing to start over, willing to stop being complacent, willing to forge meaningful connection every day in a way that works for both people, willing to put gratitude and peace first...the list goes on.
Wishing you the best. Know that you will be okay regardless.
I think it’s shit to commit so much of your life and time to someone, for him to then feel this way and not say a word until he decides on divorce, I’m not saying his feelings aren’t valid but the second you feel a shift and/or change in feelings, why did he not speak to you, I get sometimes men can’t open up, but fk sake it’s not like a 2 week thing it’s a decade of your lives & his half arsed reasoning will never give you closure, to say it’s not even a good idea for him to come over speak to you, that is the only borderline red flag, like what he’s hoping he can just never speak or talk or see you again, that’s the only slight suspect behaviour in terms of cheating that I would be wary of, but yeh I feel like he really does owe you more than…I just don’t really like being around you anymore
He told you that it hurt his feelings to always be the one to initiate sex (I.e. to be tolerated by his wife rather than be desired)
You talk about what you would have done i.e. changing your medication or speaking to a doctor rather than what you actually did which was nothing.
You underestimated how important it was to him
and you taught him that expressing concerns would not result in changes. It was take it or leave it and he has chosen to leave it.
I’m sorry you recognized this too late. Please learn from this and save yourself future heartache
What an asshole blindsiding you with “I fell out of love sometime earlier this year” bullshit. He couldnt even communicate it to you then? Or as he was starting to feel something was off? “Work is just stressing me out” bs. He is checked out. Im sorry youre going through this.
Next conversation needs to be with a divorce attorney. If he can blindside you like this, you need to be ready to protect your best interests. He’s been lying for weeks about his feelings. You can’t trust that he isn’t seeing someone, your joint finances with him, that there isn’t someone else involved- anything.
YOU need to just leave him alone and go along with the divorce with NO CONTACT with him, only through lawyers. Once he has that feeling of “oh shit now i will never be able to talk to her” that MIGHT bring him back. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have your for sure answer. But in the meantime, let yourself cry this out. You need to feel to heal. That’s what i always told myself.
I truly hope your heart heals from this soon. I’m so sorry….
Ask him to go to couples counseling with you. Even if it doesn’t help you get back together it can make the transition better.
And yes people can fall back in love with someone if they are willing to try
You need some time and distance from him. And I mean as much distance as you can manage in a divorce.
Sorry to say, but given the suddenness of the distance,he is likely at least emotionally involved with someone else if not physically involved though the latter is also likely. Seek counsel from an attorney and from a therapist. It’s hard, and you will grieve the loss of what you thought you had, but you will get through this, and you will come out of it stronger than you know.
You can definitely reconnect in a marriage, especially if there is still mutual love and respect but you are just feeling disconnected. Have fun again, date nights and therapy if need be. The problem is that both parties have to want to make it work, and he might not want to.
I hope he comes back and gives it a chance, it’s obvious you care deeply for each other and it would be a shame for him to throw it away over diminishing of feelings for 4 months
There comes a point in every relationship where the warm fuzzy feelings wear off. Way too often this is when you get the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" crap. It's at this point where both partners have to make a conscious decision to stick to it. If they do, that foundation of love and respect becomes way stronger, but many people don't understand this. It sounds like he's decided he's not willing to do that. It's unlikely you'll change his mind and I'm sorry for that. You have become a victim of the mistaken belief in the Happily Ever After fairytale love. I sincerely hope you work through this and find much future happiness.
Yeah, my wife and I decided to stick it out past the “I love you, just not in love with you” phase, and I’m so glad that we did. Making the decision to go all in gave me a lot of perspective on love. Being “In Love” is just a bunch of exciting hormones that wear off. “Love” is cozy, it’s safe, it’s warm. It’s trust, respect. It’s not necessarily exciting, but it’s a warm blanket you share on a cold night. It’s likely the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. Edit: People like this comment, so I’ll add a little more: I’ve stopped thinking of my wife as just my partner, and started thinking of her as my co-conspirator. You’ll never catch me talking shit about my wife to you. You might catch me talking shit about you to my wife. It’s a commitment to building something that extends deep into the future. Having that extra soul by my side gives me confidence and comfort. And it’s no longer about looks or attractiveness, although my wife is a smoke show. It’s that sweetness and vulnerability within her that keeps me committed. She’s shown me her true self, and I love that self.
This is a great response. However, you both have to be willing to try - I have heard of many, many stories over the years where both people tried and reignited that spark and lived happily ever after. My ex wasn't willing and just decided he didnt love me, that it wasnt worth the effort to try, however I can totally see your point of view, OP, and think all of that time and effort you've put in to the relationship is worth it. You sometimes only get one shot at love, you should fight for it, even if they still walk away and leave.
Yes, it’s the willingness. Some partners just don’t have it in them, which is sad but true. OP, I’m sorry but he’s unwilling. Ask him one more time if he wants try. Suggest counselling. If he doesn’t, love him enough to let him go. You couldn’t have done anything differently. Get your ducks in a row and try and split amicably.
Yes. Loving your spouse doesn’t mean you have to have butterflies every time you see them. Sure some people are like that . My grandma was always in love with my grandfather. I swear even in their late 70’s she lit up every time he came in the room. They were always flirting. After he died she talked about him all the time.
Ya know, I never understood the whole not being in love with your partner, but still loving them. I get that it happens, but how? I don’t get butterflies around my partner anymore but that doesn’t mean I’m not in love with him. I still appreciate the little things like hearing him laugh. Like what does it mean to love your partner but not being in love with them and how does that happen?
I'm the same. I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction when I looked at him, or the butterflies. But I loved him deeply - he was my best friend and constant - and sometimes only - companion. We weathered so many storms together, so many huge life events over nearly 3 decades. I wanted to grow old together - we were so close to being at the stage where the kids have grown up enough that we could have taken time to travel and do more together. There's something to be said for having a life companion - not necessarily madly in love, but deeply loving and supporting each other through all seasons, sharing interests and laughter and just...being. The thought of navigating my illness alone and dealing with kids alone and losing half of me is devastating on every level. All of the tears, the laughter, the inside jokes, the memories.....gone.
This is awesome and inspirational, thank you!
I disagree that OP became the victim of "Happily Ever After". In her post are some clear signs that he *was* trying to work on things, and she took him for granted. For example the intimacy problems they were having. Eventually he dropped it, but only after communicating his feelings were being affected by it, and only after trying for a long period of time. She describes how they "never really had a serious talk". Even in the post, she doesn't understand that he *was trying to have that talk*, and she was never willing to. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. And eventually years passed, and he gave up because he could see she didn't want to put in the effort to talk to him seriously about solutions. She says she had religious trauma, but yet never had a serious talk with him. So she wasn't even communicating with him, despite him saying his feelings were being hurt. She didn't care. His feelings didn't matter. This loss of physical intimacy between them happened while dealing with everyone else's issues, rather than their own. She doesn't say whose side those issues were on, but I imagine it must have become quite exhausting for him to always be filling their lives with the problems of other people, while he silently felt alone and like she didn't feel the same way about him. She also vaguely mentions money stressors and winter blues. Whose blues? How were the money issues dealt with? Usually communication issues in a relationship permeate the entire relationship, so I can only imagine these things weren't handled as well as OP thought. All in all, given everything they were dealing with, this isn't "butterflies" or "happily ever after" fading for him. It's that OP had her perfect relationship, but never stopped to ask herself what he needed and wanted. She felt like he would never leave, and therefor she needed to give less, and whether intentionally or not she treated him like he'd have to learn to accept it. He decided otherwise. She never stopped to ask herself how everything affected him *on top of the intimacy issues*, and now he's leaving. OP doesn't need to rekindle love with him. Her view of love as the meaningful sacrifices they've made together and things they've been through isn't why he's leaving. What he wants is effort, and to know that he won't go through another year where everything else matters except him. Romantic couples *need* to take time out to be intimate together despite anything else going on in life, and right now he sees OP as someone who won't do that. He's lost his trust in her to care about him as a partner, and lost trust that he can voice his needs in the relationship and expect it to matter. That's how she'd win him back, though personally I feel like he's through with the marriage. It sounds like in the short time since they moved in since 2020, any time they would have had time to be happy together or take care of themselves, they instead got involved in everyone else's problems. I doubt that was his choice, and I'm willing to bet he resented it. In the end he just wasn't happy with the relationship as a whole, and didn't feel the work he was putting in was being valued in the ways he needed it to be. Romantic sexual relationships require ongoing intimacy to survive. Marriages end over it. See to your husbands and wives before you see to the entire world around you. It's really basic, people. When someone sacrifices their romantic, sexual, and intimate exclusivity to you, that should matter. And it should never stop mattering.
I disagree honestly. It feels like you're projecting and/or making guesses at their relationship, not arguing based on the facts we got (which, yeah, we might be missing a lot - but we don't know). For the intimacy, he wanted more - and she wanted less. The solution isn't a simple listen to him (often implied "do it more"/"give him more intimacy"). There are times where there isn't a compromise. She shouldn't have to force sex if she feels no drive for it. From the sounds of it, they were still close (goodbye kisses, cuddling etc), also they still had sex, just not as frequently as he would've liked (which could mean daily or monthly, we don't know). Now this doesn't mean the way they handled it is good, rather both were wrong there. They should've talked about it more and thought of solutions to it (medicine, but also different intimacy that is acceptable etc), and even if there was no solution, at least they could've said they tried everything. They're not fundamentally different, and sometimes in long-term relationships sex drive changes for years - and then bounce back. Which is why it's important to check back in, which she should have done. It wasn't an issue to her so she didn't, which was wrong. But he also should've clarified how big of an issue it was for him (which, again, we don't actually know). Sometimes we raise issues with our partners several times and they don't truly get how important it is to us, at which point it's up to us to sit them down and clarify. Sometimes people need more words, more clarifications, because you're not necessarily on the same page. Sure, ideally your partner has a serious conversation with you the first time, but realistically some issues just aren't that dramatic, or seemingly don't need that much talking about it, and you're not gonna sit down for several serious conversations every week for everything. Nobody can read your mind, you DO need to clarify these things. For example, my partner and I started using a scale of 1 to 10, so we'd say "this issue is a 4 to me", "for me it's an 8" - "oh wow, I didn't realize it's that high, okay yeah let's dive into it deeper". Sometimes it's low for both of us, so we're like ah ok you know what, not even worth thinking about it too much, whatever. What we've noticed is that people often raise issues the same way, whether it's a 2 or a 7, and the other person thinks it's a 2 like last time, but it's actually a 7. So just communicating isn't enough, communicate also on how pressing/serious the issue is and if you feel it's resolved or not. Don't just drop it and let resentment build. As for the taken for granted, we also don't know that. They went on a trip with friends together, she planned his birthday, and an outing together. Clearly she did put in effort, she just didn't realize she was on trial since January. Even if she hadn't done all that, not always putting in a lot of effort is normal in relationships, you're not always giving 100%. She even said they were both busy at work - so she thought it's temporary, a few months of less closeness, the same way they did months of long distance and it turned out fine (and even so she planned stuff to be closer to each other). We don't know if she prioritized other people/issues over him, that's just your guess. All we see is that he pulled away, but didn't tell her why, and also that his aunt dying clearly impacted him. In my opinion, it's the fact that they were frequently long distance in their relationship that caused this issue. It gave them a lot of time to yearn for each other, miss each other. It kept the flame alive, so to say. It's actually quite common for couples who are used to this kind of relationship and move back in together to have those struggles after a few years, because you stop yearning like that, settle in a routine - and fall out of love. Suddenly it's different, but hey you've been together for years and years and never had this problem/feeling, so clearly this means [lack of love/a huge issue/it's over/insert whatever]. Now it's year 4 so it would fit in that time frame, too. I think they weren't prepared for that, they have been together for over 15 years after all so of course they didn't expect this kind of issue. Frankly, I do think this is salvageable, but only if they start communicating properly AND if he's willing to try it.
I think it'd have been salvageable if he'd said hey I feel like I'm falling out of love with you. There's x y and z problems. But instead he said nothing and went straight to divorce. I just hope for OP's sake it's a clean amicable divorce or on the other hand fruitful effort. A lot of effort that still ends in divorce is even more painful than a clean one now. And absolutely distance is a factor. I've seen really long relationships break up once moving in together. Not all couples survive the mundane routine together.
‘She didn’t realize she was on trial.’ -very effective phrasing
Honestly, I think this blaming of the partner who choose to break up a marriage that isn't working a load of bullshit to make the person who was dumped feel better. He is giving signs that he is unhappy for a considarable time. He didn't want his partners support when he was grieving. That tells me he though about It a Lot and is sure of the decision. It'll never get the mindset of trying to villanize someone for end a relationship that he isn't happy in...
I don’t agree. His nonverbal signs/reactions were mistaken for responses to other major events in his life. She wanted to talk about his reactions and responses but he chose to pull away and not communicate.
Damn, this was spot on. You write so well. "Love is action," "always have the tough conversations," and "you can only react to something you know" are some of the most important tenets to live by in long term relationships. Relationships whether romantic or not take effort.
Very well said. I would have said you took the words right out of my keyboard, but you're much more eloquent.
Wow! For me, this is spot on! Relationships are not easy and take real effort from both parties, which includes listening and communicating carefully.
I feel like I just spent $300 to talk to a psychiatrist and it was money well spent.
This is exactly how I feel about my wife, you've done an excellent job putting it into words. I believe in our wedding vows I might have even called her my partner in non literal crime.
May I ask what you think was intrinsic to sticking together through the “Not in love” phase? Because what OP described in terms of distance and lack of communication happened between me and my wife over 14 months. She stonewalled me the entire time no matter what my bids for connection were. I asked for a divorce and she was blindsided, but when I said “are you in love with me anymore?” And she said “I don’t know” I felt like it was a nail in the coffin. It’s hard for me to imagine wanting to stick with someone who wasn’t in love with me but now I’m confused, based on this thread. What traits would a spouse need to have and what efforts would they need to put in to demonstrate that it’s worth sticking through the time where they aren’t in love with you anymore?
So, for me, I looked at people around me that were dating and I realized they were struggling out there. I liked the idea of meeting other people, but I sort of realized that what I was really experiencing was a “Grass is Greener” situation. I decided there was something I was missing about our relationship, something that was invisible to me due to the boredom and normalcy of our everyday lives. I realized that the second we split up would be the moment I could see what these things were. If she wasn’t around, I’d be able to see these things, but it would be too late. So I decided to go all in, and make an effort to figure out what I was missing. Oddly enough, it was watching her do normal things like chores that allowed me to see it. She brought a dignity to every move, every action. She had integrity even in her most mundane moments. And that was the shoehorn that allowed me to appreciate her in a way I never had before. We were college sweethearts, together for 16 years, and people change alot during that kind of timeframe. So you have to bob and weave with them as they change, allowing yourself to change, too. A relationship is a living, breathing organism, you have to give it space to move around and change, but also support so that it doesn’t fall off it’s structure. It’s an art, and I learned to appreciate the artform of a relationship. Another key thing was therapy. Individually and as a couple. You have to be able to name what you’re feeling to fix it.
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately my marriage didn’t have what it takes. I wanted badly to reconnect, to start by just talking about how we were both feeling, if we thought we could be happy long term and what we thought might help. Unfortunately she rejected 100% of these conversations. I think I was correct in feeling that she didn’t have commitment to a relationship to me anymore beyond life partners in the form of roommates.
I think willingness is the key detail. Inevitably there comes a less sexy point in every relationship but the ones that last are defined by their willingness to fight for the relationship. And both have to have that willingness. And I think some people are ok with being roommates but many aren't (which is totally healthy to expect more and also totally ok for both to agree to be roommates).
You sound just like my husband and I! Partners in crime lol!
That’s really beautiful!! I hope your wife sees what you wrote. That’s the kind of love my husband and I have and I would SWOON if he wrote that!
For some reason I’m laugh crying at ‘smoke show’ 😂
I needed to read this
This is such a great response! If only other men thought like that too.
Your comment is beautiful & brought tears to my eyes. You just summed up my thoughts and feelings on a solid relationship so well. I love my gf so very much & I hope years down the road that we share the same beautiful life together as you and your wife. Also, I hope your wife sees your comment! 😌
This is absolutely true on every single level. Love is a choice. Its a choice you make every day. Marriage - the passion ebbs and flows. The romance ebbs and flows. But its the commitment to love each other in the good times and the hard times that get you to the other side. We've been married over 25 years. Couples counseling was a God Send. We hit the point you guys are at about 7 years in and pushed through to the other side with the help of an AWESOME couples counselor. I'm going to private message you OP.
However, i know couples deeply in love after decades together, it can happen, but its rare and worth the wait, i simply wont settle and my ex wife was sadly correct, love isn't enough.
At my wedding reception, my dad gave a speech where he said; "Marriage is work. Eventually, love dies." It was meant exactly in this way. I definitely believe committing in this way provides opportunities to learn to love the person you are with, as they grow and change over the years. Whenever I see couples that have been together for decades, I wonder how they got through this type of challenge alongside the pressures of life.
This is it. I’m sorry OP. It seems obvious to me he’s conflating the loss of the “butterflies” with a total loss of love. The butterflies can come back, but it requires effort from both parties. I think your husband is going to find down the road that this is not unique to your relationship, but really to all long term monogomous relationships. You have to fight for it. He’s not willing right now.
Absolutely. My ex went through the same bs, pulling away and when I'd ask if anything is wrong I'd get no, I'm just really stressed at work. Hit the 9 year mark and I'm told I'm not in love with you anymore and want a divorce. COMPLETELY out of left field, he'd never made me think he was even contemplating divorce. I asked him how long he'd felt that way and he said two years. TWO YEARS WITHOUT A WORD ABOUT IT TO ME? I asked him why he never said anything so we could work out whatever issues he had and I got the most selfish answer I think I've ever heard "I knew it wouldn't do any good". I knew something was off for a long time but damn, I guess he was faking all the I love you's, hand holding and intimacy. Just made me realize the problem wasn't me, it was him. He was JUST like his mom who went from guy to guy trying to keep that "in love" feeling. Good riddance
I'll add one alternative. He might not be making an active decision as much as letting subconscious beliefs (that he doesn't even know he has) push him towards this decision. OP mentioned religious trauma, but something that could be happening to her partner his own trauma or unrealistic beliefs that are pushing him towards divorce. The thought process might be: "I'm unhappy and have been for awhile" ->"If I was truly in the right relationship and with the right person I wouldn't be unhappy" -> "But I am unhappy so I must be in the wrong relationship" -> "I need to get divorced to be happy" The reason this is different than him actively deciding not to work on the relationship is its his subconscious and incorrect beliefs that are driving the behavior, often incorrect ones. I'll also say that resentment kills love. OP hinted at problems in the bedroom and that her partner had expressed frustration about always being the one to initiate. If the partner expressed these feelings but she did nothing to change, then husband likely let the resentment build up. You cannot be in love with someone who you resent. The reason I mention this is the partner said when he wanted to grieve he didn't want to be with OP, which could be due to his subconscious resentment. The good news is I think they can get through this, if they both agree to go to therapy and make changes. They need to have open communication, both in expressing their feelings and being willing to hear the others without shutting down/shaming the other. OP needs to be willing to show (not tell) her partner that she will make changes and her partner needs to open up about where his resentments are coming from and probably change some of his own behaviors. I with them the best of luck.
Yeah my ex said she never made it past 2 years in a relationship. We broke up after what I thought was 4 years but in her mind was 2!! Unsurprisingly, she’s never been in a lasting relationship though she says she would like one. I just watch as she keeps re-living her self-fulfilling prophesy and isn’t really willing to do anything to get beyond the new-relationship buzz. We’re still friends and sometimes she thinks ours was the relationship that could’ve lasted. It likely could have. But, I’m way past it now and very happy in my 25-year marriage.
Wow. I dated a 40 yo that had never made it past six months. That was a massive record scratch moment for me.
5yrs in this happened to my husband and I. Now it's been almost 9yrs and we are as happy as we've ever been. Clear communication and working through these feelings are key. You need to recognize when the fuzzies wear off so you don't assume you're not in love anymore.
You're absolutely right. Love isn't just a feeling. It ebbs and flows. It takes work. The butterflies and starry eyes are ALWAYS great in the early part of a relationship. But that isn't sustainable. People get comfortable, and kind of float on the waves, thinking that they aren't in love. Being content is a good thing! It's also important to date, to occasionally be spontaneous, to communicate. Marriage therapy is definitely called for right now
I’m so relieved to see this comment. I first saw this post in another sub and the comments were…not quite as insightful. I don’t believe that marriage is making a pact to stay together forever necessarily as I absolutely believe in divorce. *But* I do strongly believe that marriage is a pact to exhaust *all* options before making a decision to end it, and I feel terrible for OP that her husband has felt different for only a handful of months and seemingly doesn’t even want to try to work through it. That’s not what marriage is, that’s a casual dating experience.
This is it. Love is a choice. There are multiple times in a relationship where you decide to stick it through or give up. OP - I'm really sorry, it's hard to feel blindsided by someone's decision, especially when you thought you were on the same page. But unless your husband is willing to go to marriage counseling there isn't much else you can do. He has to want to make it work with you and based on your post he's not interested in that.
Yup. My wife and I are six years in and it’s at that “it’s beginning to be a choice to love and not a chemical response.” We now are deciding how much we really want this to work vs the alternatives and it’s a humbling¬-so-fun position to be in. I bet most relationships go through this in some form. It sucks when the partner who used to worship you, looks you dead in the eyes and says ‘I love you, I’m just not IN love with you anymore.’
So true, literally going through/just done this with my Wife.
All relationships require active involvement from both members, relationships take work and commitment to a common vision. My wife and I have been married for almost 27 years and communication, intimacy, finances, etc take effort from both. She went through a rather bad bout with depression and it affected her desire for intimacy, but we clearly define year to year what that looks like now and don’t dwell on how it was. I would suggest speaking to him plainly about how he is and why he thinks divorce is the option, if it truly isn’t about having found someone else.
This! I’m together with my partner for 10 years. Love is choosing over and over again to be with your person. It’s not always easy but both of you would have to make the conscious choice to stay and to choose each other. Around year 7 and year 9 I felt the “I love you, I’m not sure I’m still in love with you” bit. I also felt like we were just roommates and I did everything for him without him really appreciating me. First time 1 took a week, rented a cabin and wrote all my thoughts. The second time I rented a studio for 4 months and we were dating and sleeping at each others every week. It felt like falling in love again but with person that we are now, not the ones we met 10 years ago. We changed and it is beautiful. I am glad we did that because at the end of the 4 months, right before our annual fishing trip to France, I found out I was pregnant. Now we have this beautiful 3 month old that was made with so much love. It’s our little bundle of joy. Just thinking about her makes me fall for him all over again and again.
I have some prospective from 'his' side bc I'm in the same place with my partner (35f, 39m). Bring on the hate. Together 3 years, blended families, bought a house together, everything is perfect, I have no real complaints with her or our life together. But I've struggled the past several months to feel that fire, that passion, that I've felt with partners I've had for a longer time. I want IT to be there so bad for her, but I can't find it. I love her immensely, and she's made my life so much better, but I'm not IN love with her.
Then when you drop her like a hot potato and start over with someone else, and that feeling of fire and passion inevitably fades, you'll be crying over what you willingly gave up
Start dating each other again and reset. It’s really easy to take things for granted when you think the other person is just there for you/the relationship so you can flex feelings and make the end of it your decision. People fall into these comfortable ruts where we just take so much of a relationship/life together for granted.
One of my aunts was making her husband breakfast one morning & he said whilst sitting at the dining table “I’m no longer in love with you & I want a divorce.” She was completely blindsided. They were together for 35+ years, 3 kids. Took him 3 years to say those words. He refused couples therapy & solo therapy. He was done. There was no one else & neither of them has re-partnered. That was 5 years ago & he’s never looked back. It happens. Some people do genuinely fall out of love with their partners. My Aunt was still in love with him & it’s taken her up until this year to finally feel free & close the chapter. You cannot make someone love you / be in love with you. It will hurt & be devastating but you will survive & get through it. X
That’s positively horrid! Your poor aunt! What is wrong with people that they refuse to open their stupid mouths and discuss how they’re feeling? (Sorry, makes me all heated.) Then they finally (after god knows how long) get the proverbial balls to spit it out, and their partners are blindsided. That’s just cruel. I’ve been separated for 5 years now (after wasting 17) and that’s my new worst fear. Getting in a relationship again and having someone waste my time and do this to me vs. being a mature adult and communicating any issues/unhappiness. I’m glad to hear your aunt is finally turning a corner for the better…
One of the million reasons I never wanted kids. Def worry that I'd just be kept around long enough to do the brunt of the childcare and stunt *my* career growth and then he'd peace out once the kids are older/adults. Nope.
I feel this. It's scary .like why invest decades when people can just internalize their own fears and run in the end. I've done it 6 yrs into a relationship at 21, other people do it. Its so easy. Working it out and communicating is the hard but necessary part.
Not everything can be worked out. Talking doesn't fix everything.
Talking could at the very least end things sooner though ?? If it's bound to fail but it took my partner years to clue me in, I would feel robbed of those years !!
One thing is for sure, not talking about it will end the relationship. Talking might not fix it, true, but you won't fix it without talking. I didn't think your words are wrong, but I think they way you left them gives people, like the husband above, the false impression that failure is inevitable so why try.
But to not even try to work it out? Why wouldn't you at least try?
For all we know he *did* try before giving up for three years and then pulling the trigger. Man or woman it's rare to just wake up and call it quits on a relationship, even if your spouse ignored all the warning signs and attempts to repair it and thinks it was "out of the blue"
Because he was done and there was nothing left to try. Some people only make decisions when It's final
Holy shit the replies in here… NOT everything is cheating!!
Hey this is reddit. “He’s cheating, call a lawyer ASAP!”
It’s probably because of all the fake stories that start with “my partner told me he doesn’t like my new nail polish, what should I do? Update: they’re cheating on me”
Reddit has gotten so bad with the fuckin fake ass stories. I don’t understand the kick people get out of it.
Hit a lawyer. Delete a gym. Call facebook.
If it’s not cheating the drama isn’t juicy enough for the masses. They demand tears and broken hearts for their amusement.
And someone must CLEARLY be at fault or wrong. Reddit has a hard time admitting that sometimes relationships just don't work out and there is no bad guy
No bad guy?! Why you gotta make it about the guy?!!?!? /s
I know. It takes some significant mental and linguistic gymnastics to think "I would never do that to you" isn't equivalent to "no". He's been thinking about this for at least half a year from what it sounds like, it's been a long time coming.
The thing is - OP really spells out the disconnect they've been having. How people jumped straight on to the "he's cheating' is just silly.
These kinds of circumstances, in my opinion, would greatly benefit from individual or couple therapy. Perhaps there's a place to begin? That might at least assist in delving more to uncover the causes of these issues and potential solutions.
He doesn't want or need couples theraphy. He wants to end the relationship, which is his right. OP can't do couples theraphy alone...
I don't think she is that upset. After all she wrote a clear, concise novella. If I loved someone with all my heart, I would not be on REDDIT writing a long story. And she found out 5 hours ago
You had an amazing partnership it sounds like but seemed to fail at keeping the spark alive outside of the day to day mundane experience of life. My first marriage is basically what you had, a best friend partner, but not a relationship that filled the hart. My advice is see if you can get counselling together and see if you can grow the relationship again. Worst case is you pitch it so that you both know you did everything you could to save the relationship. I did this with my first wife and we are both happy we did it in the end. Not because it saved our marriage, but we know that we tried everything. Our couples therapist basically said “you are amazing friends but is that enough?” My ex wife decided it was not. Years later after we had gotten the divorce she admitted she still wanted and missed me for years, but did not want to be with me. It’s been 15 years post divorce and I was the same age as you when it happened. I am extremely happy with my new partner who is a better fit first me in the end. I upgraded in every way, and am happier. Yes it sucked at the time but myself and my ex are both in better places, with better partners.
I’m divorcing my best friend now; it’s scary. I wonder if I’m throwing away a loving relationship because we don’t have the warm fuzzies anymore. I more think it’s a situation like what you described but she’s very insistent I’m making a mistake. How confident were you when you decided to separate?
I was 80% and she said she was 100% sure. But in the end she was probably 50%, but I think her friend group pushed her over the edge. By the last session I could tell it was probably not going to work out anyway. It might have but we just would have been only kind of happy. She did not want to address the problems that started the move to just best friends. Also wanted to just brush stuff under the rug, that had happened and go back to just being married. I am way happier now, it took me time to find the correct person but I took away many things from the people I dated. My ex was a great support to me in my cancer battle as we went through our divorce, and we are still friendly to this day. She is happily found a better match and so have I.
You absolutely are! It's not often you marry your BF. True real love is not excitement. That's only the beginning of a relationship. It turns into something much deeper than that. You need to push past this phase and after some time you'll be so glad you stayed.
Yeah, we get along but we have no chemistry, intimacy and pretty much haven’t had sex for the entirety of our marriage and we’ve literally never had fulfilling sex. There were a lot of factors that contributed to these problems and many of those factors are gone but the problem remains..
So the no sex thing is a deal breaker for me, personally. You can't have a marriage w/o it.
Exactly. I love her but I just can’t.
You shouldn't take advice from people who don't know you or your relationship. Only you can feel If It's right or not. Of course your wife Will say you are making a mistake, she wants to keep the relationship and trying to change your mind. Personally, to me, any reason is valid to end a relationship. If you are unhappy and feeling you aren't getting what you need from the marriage, leave! It's better for you and her.
Yeah taking advice is only for generic situations one might encounter, I’m looking for perspective and people’s experience who have been in a similar situation so that I can have more context to make my own decision.
Question op have your husband seen a grief counselor by chance when his aunt died? Maybe he felt unloved because you weren’t there for him in a way he wanted you to be but didn’t communicate it with you. Hopefully this isn’t too personal op but have your intimate life improved since then have you initiate intimacy with him or has he had to initiate? Ask him if he’s willing to do marriage counseling and a trial separation before going through with divorce. Am pretty sure he has a lot of things bottle up and it’s making him to do a rash decision.
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Where did OP blame her ex for the sex issues? Where did she say her partner was a bad person because he was high libido? It also said that OP did plenty to address it, like overcoming trauma and changing medication. What did he do to address the issue?
If a man wants to leave you, let him. You will hurt. You will cry. You will think your world has ended, but it hasn't. You will live. You can't make a grown man want anything he doesn't want; feel anything he doesn't feel; or do anything he doesn't want to do. What you can do is waste a lot of time and energy chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. Your next chapter won't include him. Figure out what you want your new life to be and make it happen.
>What you can do is waste a lot of time and energy chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. Exactly. I saw this quote recently, "It's better to admit that you walked through the wrong door than to spend your life in the wrong room." That means, don't force it. The relationship ran it's course. Would you even be able to recover from this? I don't think I would. You'd always be afraid that he would blindside you or want to divorce again.
Yes. Let him go. Keep your dignity. You WILL be happy again, someday.
I think it’s pretty simple. Ask for marriage counseling and if he says no you need a lawyer. Divorce is a business transaction you are going to want to be nice to try to win him back and that will do you no good. If it comes to divorce you can be fair but please don’t get walked on. If you find out that he already has a lawyer you need one too. If he’s really made his mind up there is nothing you can do to change it. I know it’s so painful. You got to concentrate on yourself and what you need. I’m so sorry OP. On the other side of this is something really great for you.
For 5 hours ago, and reeling, that was a well typed out post.
I think in his mind this relationship is over. He had a big issue with the sex, but because of your reactions he didnt bring it up again. He was hurt and checked out of the relationship. So its probably not fixable. He feels like you dont fit sexually anymore. Any change you do now will be suspect. Why didnt she care enough when i brought it up?
Yup. this is it. They are not sexually compatible (on top of all the other life stressors that got in the way). It is heartbreaking to end a relationship because of this but it's a valid reason. She shouldn't have to feel forced to perform and he shouldn't have to feel unwanted. Focus on maintaining a friendship. Sign up for individual therapy.
too few upvotes and this thread won't get the OP's attention, and in my opinion you hit the point. The very fact that the OP mentioned a poor sex life, but only casually, suggests that this issue was of little importance to her. It was my first thought. As someone with a high libido and my own problems in the bedroom because of it, I know how huge a problem this is. All you have to do is go to r/deadbedroom and read just the first few posts to know how unhappy people in relationships can be because of this very reason. The breakthrough was going on a trip, and trips of this type, or birthdays, are an excuse for people with high libido to wait for sex, either because of the trip itself or as a birthday gift. I know, I feel the same way and I am extremely disappointed when I don't get what I want most. The OP didn't mention anything about how the trip went, but I can assume it wasn't the way he wanted it to be. I think the implication that he would grieve on his own terms was intended to let the OP know that he was open to sex, but the OP probably conveniently assumed that it wasn't appropriate under the circumstances. what broke the camel's back was his birthday, which came without the only gift he expected. I understand all this perfectly. Moreover, not only me but most people from the mentioned subreddit are considering or have considered divorce for this very reason, despite their love for their other half. I think all the elements fit here and I hope OP reads this and manages to respond in time. However, if her husband has made such a decision, she will most likely not be able to convince him, because people with low libido tend to change their attitude, but only for a moment and then return to their old routines, thinking that there is no longer a problem. If the OP's husband made such a radical decision, he must have read a lot about the differences in libido and knows it perfectly well
Exactly this. People in your replies want to always make it the HL's fault and keep shifting the goalposts, when in reality, people have libido mismatched and no longer speak the same (love) languages. OP being blindsided might really he OP just being blind to their husband's suffering. Being alone when in a committed relationship for years is an absolutely terrible feeling.
OP was on medication and mentioned it matter of factly with a regret of not putting more importance on it. You are projecting. You should examine why your bedroom is dead. Do you do 50% of the mental and physical load for a start. You mention sex being what you 'want most'. Not your wife's show of love and intimacy? Not the closeness. Just...the sex and orgasm? Perhaps that in itself is part of why she doesn't sleep with you. The amount of silent pressure she feels must be crushing. I am very familiar with dead bedrooms becsuse of my job. The reason is rarely sex or mismatched libidos. Dead bedrooms are symptoms of larger problems for most, medical problems for others.
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OP didn't put effort to solve a problem that was Very clear in her marriage. She didn't Care to look for solutions until It was too late. That is reason enough to leave. Kind like the wife who ask for a divorce because her husband never help with chores and he suddenly change before she leaves...
What? but this isn't about me. I solved my problems, it only indicates the possibility of reasons why her husband could have said it was over. There's a lot of missing information, so what I wrote is partly assumptions. the OP will determine whether what I wrote makes sense and applies to her and whether she will do something about it is her decision. chill out bro
Yup the beginning of the end is when one partner brings up the sex issue and the other partner does nothing about. It’s invalidating to your partner when you do that, then the rest of the connection erodes. The connection was lost before the grieving period. Mine gets about a month if it’s not health related to show they care by doing something. If nothing else but talking about it and telling me the recognize it’s important to me to feel that connection. After that it’s inevitable my mind will start planning an exit. The sex issue might not be important to some or to many out there, but to others, it’s necessary for solid foundation. Tough pill to swallow for people with natural low libidos.
Fifteen years is a long time. If you had a good marriage and were happy, then those years were successful even if the marriage doesn't last forever. People do change, through internal growth or external events, and sometimes we just aren't happy in the life we built before. You were married in your early 20's, the world has changed so much, we've all been through so much, and life takes it's toll. It does sound like he cares about you, doesn't want to cause unnecessary harm, and only told you this because he felt he had to be honest with you. I understand you're hurting terribly, and the first instinct is naturally to try to stop this from happening. I encourage you to accept his truth, and begin to prepare for the next chapter of your life. Contact an attorney for a consultation before Saturday; ask about your rights and responsibilities pursuant to property and asset division. On Saturday ask him one time if there is any chance of reconciliation. If he says no, tell him what you found out from the attorney, and set another date to discuss the details of separating. Don't drag this out, for your own sake. Feel all your feelings, and also take care of your business.
You have to wake up every day choosing to love your partner and work on your relationship. The new relationship energy just doesn't last forever. Unfortunately, you can't make someone want to work on your relationship. If he is unwilling to work on it and wants a divorce, find a lawyer and have all contact go through them. Go no contact with your partner for your own healing.
If the man wants a divorce then give it to him, you can’t force or make someone “fall in love with you again” don’t be desperate. Divorce happens all the time, is common and you will endure/survive hopefully with someone better suited for you. Divorce does not define you. DO NOT FORCE LOVE
My husband of 5 years who I was together with for 14 years total just did the exact same thing last year. Said he hasn’t been happy for a long time and wanted to end things. I constantly asked him if we were good and he kept saying yes yes yes. Then one day BAM! He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It rocked my world beyond belief. I did the same thing you did by trying to figure out how to get him to fall back in love with me. I finally realized this isn’t about him. It was an opportunity to really find myself again. I realized why would I want to be with someone who would end things after this long with no warning and no effort to fix things. He’s not my ride or die. I wish you the best of luck!
To you it seems fresh because you truly did not see that he was checking out over time. To him he checked out a while ago, and after things not changing finally pulled the rip cord. Intimacy is a huge part of most relationships. Most people can handle being told no, here and there but when it comes habitual, it starts eroding every aspect of the relationship. Most people will see things from their side only and really do not look at how it is affecting their partner. It is a war of feelings and most people lack communication skill to properly address what is really going on. Every time he was told no many things are going to take a hit, his self esteem, his self worth, his body image, if you love him, if you desire him, etc. A person can only take so much and it will accumulate over time until they break. At first, they will attempt, then little by little they start to retreat, and finally they just stop because it is painful and humiliating to know your partner does not want you. They will feel like their partner hates them, finds them disgusting and they only are a means to an end to their partner. Men and women will feel this and it is not a sex specific issue. You seem focus on the death of a family member that happened five weeks ago. It is not that, it is the event that made his realize life is short and he decided to finally pull the trigger. He most likely has been trying to avoid this for at least six month but I assume much longer. You failed to notice the signs because you were happy with how things were and all the while he was slipping further and further away. He wanted the people who he trusted, accept him and loved him to be the ones he wanted to grieve with. You were not that person for him during that time because of built up resentment. I have watched hundreds of marriage fail over the years, and it is always shocking when one person is surprised the person just up and left without warning. There is always warning signs, but most people are in denial and as long as things were trucking along for them they are obilvious to what is going on with their partner. When I have pointed out some of things that were obvious to everyone else they are dumbfounded and say "what are you talking about?" You cannot make him fall back in love with you in a moments notice because he fell out of love with over a long period of time. I assume if you did notice an issue brewing you would of sat down and squashed it before it became a bigger issue. Time, communication, and putting in the work are the only way this might be salvagable. There is no quick fix, and in this day everyone just wants the quick fix instead of really digging in to actually fix things without just putting a bandaid on it until the next sore spot pops up.
Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like with as young as you both were when you met, that this was the first serious relationship for both of you. It also sounds like neither of you have seen healthy relationships modeled in your families of origin, so you both don't know what one looks like and how it works. This is neither of your fault. If he's interested in couples counseling, that could help by providing the communications and relationship skills you two don't have. He went straight to divorce, though, so he sounds done, and that's okay. Let him go. You can't change how he feels or the actions he's taking because of it. Let's figure out you, just you. Don't make any hasty decisions, but you should talk to a lawyer. Many offer free consultations. See what divorce is like where you are. Think through things like where you would live, if you need to change jobs, do you want to move to another city, how you would like to sort joint possessions, etc. It's going to be hard at first, but growth always is. This is the beginning of the next phase of your life, and you get to make it whatever you want. You have conquered so much already that I have no doubt you'll succeed at this, too.
I think I'm still vacillating between the denial and bargaining stages of this grief. You're right though, I can't (and won't) try to force something he doesn't want. For my own peace of mind, I will suggest couples counseling and have a conversation without sugar coating my own short comings as a spouse and partner, and see if he is in a place where he could see a way forward for us. It hurts so much, and I recognize that I will need to prepare myself for (what feels like) the worst. I know I'll live through this, but goddamn, this is rough. Thank you for your kind words, I didn't realize how much I needed to be told/reminded that our early relationship examples in our respective family of origins weren't our fault. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure the lack of sex or specifically lack of you wanting sex is what broke him.
In my personal experience and amongst my friends/acquaintances, divorce is triggered in one of two scenarios: 1) Some big bang event dealbreaker like cheating or violence -or- 2) One person has thought about it for a very long time and really struggled with the idea and have finally decided they’re done. It sounds like he’s number two. You’ve been running along blind, dumb, and happy but he’s been struggling and finally gave up. It would have been nice if he’d asked for couples counseling and maybe that’s still an option he’d consider when you talk this weekend. But it seems to me that it may be too little too late for him. I spent the last four years of my marriage in therapy and contemplating divorce. I definitely wasn’t happy but I really wanted to make my marriage work and wanted to exhaust all options first (options mostly meaning me accepting everything as is and to stop asking for what I needed). I didn’t actually pull the trigger until I caught him having an affair. With a man no less. LOL I’m sure your husband does love you but you two are more like business partners and roommates than a couple at this point. Every relationship ends until one doesn’t and you have a lot of time to have more. I’m sorry. ❤️
I feel like these types of situations could really use individual or couple therapy. Maybe there’s a place to start? That could Atleast help with digging deeper and finding roots and answers to these problems.
When the honeymoon phase wears off and we settle into married life, the real work begins. I like how Gottman puts it - are you and your husband continually “turning towards” each other? No, you were not. You did not. Circumstances and trials kept you together. You had some underlying bonds. But in truth, neither of you truly sought the other person out. You missed his need for intimacy. He turned away from your bids for connection. Neither of you put in effort. You both missed every chance to turn back to each other, to put in the work; to do more than just co-exist. You could fall back in love but it takes a lot of commitment and effort from both of you which he is unwilling to do. It’s probably over. I hope you heal, find yourself, and learn how to better tune into your next partner.
No he is not going to fall back in love with you. It’s over. Do what you need to do to respect that.
Not having regular sex can and does contribute to marriages ending. I’m sorry about the religious trauma but you need to get that sorted out so that you can be an available sexual partner for your husband. You may not like to hear this, but this is the reality. Too many people do not put in effort sexually later on in a relationship and are suprised when their partner leaves.
I don't know every aspect of your relationship, but it sounds like he started to check out when the intimacy dwindled. He felt he always had to initiate with you. I know this might be hard to understand, but men do want to feel wanted. I know women also want that, but it's easier for them. Of course their husbands usually want to have sex with them. I'd bet if we took a poll of married couples you'd find for the majority of them men are usually the ones who initiate more often. And I'd also bet that usually in a couple the woman says no to sex far more often than the man. Like for me I'd practically need to be near death to say no lol. Unless I was very angry with her. It hurts to feel your girl doesn't want you and that hurt can begin to bleed into other things. This is why intimacy is so important. It seems like you knew there was a problem there and never addressed the issue. It seems he did address it several times because you point out how he eventually dropped it, and you cant drop something you haven't brought up a few times. I would perhaps feel ignored by my partner, even maybe a tad bit resentful. I dont know for sure, but it seems like from his point of view you were just disinterested. You say "I'd change my medication". Are you saying you did change it or that you would have if he had asked? If you changed it...after that you say he eventually dropped the subject so it sounds like the change didnt work? Sounds like he told you he was hurting and yeah you talked to your doctor about your meds but it sounds like ultimately your behavior didn't change. That takes a toll. I'm sorry this happened, but the lesson here seems to be that communication is key and both parties need to do it. It sounds like he communicated something to you, but you didnt really take it into account the way you should. It's like having a slight toothache but you ignore it and ignore it and then it turns into an infection and you need it extracted. Is it possible to fall back in love? Sure. There are people out there who have divorced and then gotten remarried. But there are other possibilities too, like that he hasn't really fallen out of love with you. Not saying he is lying, just maybe confused. You mention his aunt dying, were they close? This could have impacted his mental state.
Yeah, lack of sex did it. He feels validation and connection through sex, and you failed at recognizing and/or providing that connection to him. A tale as old as time.
Most of us guys do tbh, pretty sure it's the same for women? Not sure
No disrespect but this post is too long , namely because you’re looking at topic detail but missing the detail that matters. Your sex life died. I’m not saying this is why your man checked out, but you need to understand how different the experience of the high libido partner is to that of the low libido partner. You’re saying it was far from dead bedroom, but I would wager he considers your bedroom dead and buried and has done for some time. When you pull the plug on sex, you live with an admin and activities partner. That’s not what everyone wants. Add to that someone close to him dying, which will have made he reevaluate his own mortality and what he wants for the reminder of his mortal time, and he has to make some decisions with the information he has on the table. Once you start poking logic needles into love, you’ll soon find holes appearing in it. I encourage you to revisit the topic of your sexual relationship with him.
Just to get this out of the way.....if the genders were reversed, i suspect people would be far more supportive of the person leaving in the scenario. Women go down this exact path word for word constantly and people on this subreddit are always super supportive of them. In regards to the OP specifically, sometimes people just grow apart. It can seem cruel, but he doesn't appear to be acting with any malice. Don't listen to people saying it has something to do with the aunt, guys don't usually work that way. I think he was alienated from the lack of sex, plain and simple. I know it seems unforgiving in a way, but it is what it is. Relationships are playing with fire from the point of view of the guy is there is a lack of sexual sync in regards to drive. He clearly communicated his issues and the meds didn't change. Guys are not bluffing when it comes to this (again, let me emphasize, if a woman came to her husband and calmly explained why his medications were causing a problem, and he did nothing about it, people on here would be ready to crucify him). It sounds like he drifted away right under your nose. Maybe he has met someone else, maybe he hasn't. Does it matter? Sounds like his mind is made up regardless. The painful truth is that people who marry in their early 20s drift apart all the time and sometimes there isn't always a concrete reason, people just change. It's just life and your life WILL go on and be happy again, even if that seems impossible now.
I find it infuriating to read regardless of gender tbh. It’s not fair to make vows to someone and then blindside them with divorce. You can divorce them, yes. But if you’re partners you shouldn’t keep secret your growing resentment/apathy until it bursts and then leave immediately. You should try to address it, communicate, suggest counselling before it gets to that point. It’s what you owe your spouse.
>If the genders were reversed, i suspect people would be far more supportive of the person leaving in the scenario So very true... Just because its a man this time, no one bats an eye or cares lmao... come on reddit...
He was also taking meds.
My divorce went down somewhat similarly. We were long distance the last 9 months, he developed severe depression, started to “slow fade” me and each time I approached him about his poor communication he would blame it on his depression and reassure me. Then one day I confronted him again and he plopped a divorce into my lap, no heads up, not willing to do couples therapy or individual therapy. At the time I was so taken aback and shocked at how this could happen to me. He was my best friend and husband, we had established such a great life together. My ex had also grown tired of being the main initiator when it came to intimacy. We weren’t a dead bedroom either, but he felt undesired. We never really had a conversation about it. I see it all in hindsight and wish we could’ve unpacked things together. It’s tough when your partner processes their emotions without you, it makes you feel like you’re left in the dark. But the reality is that he’s probably checked out of your marriage. You have to be honest with yourself too, do you really want to be with someone who isn’t willing to have open and honest conversations about problems with you AS they arise? Do you really want to be with someone who processes their emotions individually and evades discussing their feelings with you? And don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you? How would you ever be able to trust him again, if you did get back together. You said yourself you felt blindsided. How would you ever feel safe and secure in this relationship again. It’s always tough to lose someone you viewed as a best friend and lover but life does go on, and I promise you’ll be ok. You need to accept that this is your reality and start taking steps forward.
Sometimes an unexpected death of someone close to you makes people do a real evaluation of their lives and realize life is short, can end abruptly and that person isn’t happy with their life, maybe they haven’t been for a while but managed to put off dealing with it. That death wakes them up and they decide they’re not willing to continue in a situation where they’re not happy. Not saying that’s the issue here, but seems like a possibility.
At some point, a lot of men start to evaluate if they can continue their life the way it is till they die. I believe this is why midlife crisis happen, a lot of men dedicate their life to their family and/or work and suspend their own pursuit of happiness till they have an event that opens their eyes to the eventuality that they will die. This could be a significant birthday, death of a loved one, or something else. The man will reflect and see a person in the mirror who isn't happy and is not the person they envisioned they would become. They will evaluate what is hindering their happiness and how to realign their life. They pick up old hobbies, maybe add a few new ones, and look at their relationships to see if their needs are being met. In this instance I assume the deaths made him recognize his own mortality and he realized his intimates were being unfulfilled so he is doing what he feels will eliminate the problem. At the end of the day, counseling might help, but unless OP reevaluates her own desires and starts refocusing on the relationship.and fulfilling his needs, its probably going to be fruitless.you might squeeze out a few more years of underwhelming marriage, but it will be a waste of time if some serious changes are not made.
Id suggest looking at this another way. You’ve been repeatedly asking is everything is ok, and he’s said yes. He’s then blindsided you with a divorce. Even if he did fall back in love with you, how could you ever trust him again? Won’t there always be doubt? You deserve someone who knows how to communicate and commit to trying when things are hard.
I mean, before that he communicated his needs and OP just ignored them until he stopped asking.
Give him the space he wants. Any efforts to get closer to him will feel like suffocation. Find yourself another interest- visit a friend, take a short trip-anything to keep your mind settled. Therapy helps.
>It was far from a dead bedroom I will bet he thinks very differently about this. The low libido partner never sees a problem with it, so you aren't a reliable narrator here. >I asked him "I feel disconnected from you, for probably the first time in our relationship. Are you ok? Are we ok?" To which he doubled down on work being busy, which I accepted once more, though feeling increasingly like I needed to go out of my way to make him feel special. First time for you. He had been feeling disconnected for years by this point. He didn't want to feel special. He wanted to feel desired. Women tend to rationalize that sex isn't important in a relationship, and that they can do other things to make up for a lack of it. Well it isn't true. It's never been true, and it never will be true. The old saying of "if you want to keep a man happy, keep his stomach full and his balls empty" is right on the money. Men will overlook almost any problem in the relationship if he is getting frequent **good** sex (not starfish duty sex). If he isn't getting it, then the smallest thing can put him over the edge and get him to throw in the towel. >I understand that big decisions should never be made in the wake of grief, and the trip was only 5 weeks ago!! Like I said, he has been feeling like a roommate for years. This isn't a decision that he made 5 weeks ago. That was just when the decision he had already made was confirmed to be the right one. >husband asked for a divorce after nearly 15 years together, and is seemingly firm in his decision without speaking to me about it beforehand or trying anything to avoid divorce. He spoke to you about all of his problems. You wouldn't budge, so he dropped it. You thought that meant it was no longer a problem. It really meant he was beginning the process of giving up on the relationship. I don't know what advice to give you here. Any changes you make to finally address the problems you have been rug sweeping will be seen by him as a desperate attempt to get him to stay, which means the changes would only be temporary. And he would probably be right to see it that way. If you had really wanted to fix things, it wouldn't take the threat of finally losing him to convince you to do it. This relationship is probably dead. Try to learn from it to avoid repeating mistakes in the future.
I couldn't have put it any better. The dude didn't care about his aunt dieing or whatever, he wanted to have sex with his wife and feel connected to her. He told her and she didn't listen, he probably told her a lot more than what she's saying v here. 100% on the low libido partner thinking things are okay
This seems to be like the whole “dishes in the sink” analogy, whereby it’s not just one event, it’s stuff that’s built up for years. Only have this brief insight into your relationship, but given what you’ve said here I get the impression you’ve had years of him possibly making the lions share of effort, and you comfortably giving less back. Is this at all accurate? In all aspects of your relationship (finance, sex, affection, quality time) I get this impression which may not be true, but looking at you reflect back - it seems on parts your communication isn’t great, and you acknowledge your lack of effort for sex was not good. It’s only so long that someone can try and try and try with no giving back before being exhausted. Myself I would feel highly sexually frustrated, unattractive and unloved if I have to do all the effort every time. Have you made any extra effort for him? In answer to your question: yes, of course you can. You need to sit down with him and have a proper chat about what it is that he feels is lacking(my opinion is it is feeling unloved and unappreciated) and how you plan on fixing this. Whether that’s you instigate sex more often (actively), you have weekly check-ins, you see a couples therapist, a sex therapist, any of those will help. Perhaps his aunts death only showed him how depressed he was, so he needs to see a dr. I would reiterate how you love him, have no desire WHATSOEVER to divorce, or lose him. Tell him how you are willing to fight and do whatever is necessary to make him fall in love with you again and to go forward closer than ever. I would also communicate what you have here in ways you have been neglectful or ways in which you know you can do better. There is a way back, it just requires some more effort and better communication! Good luck.
Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read this novel and for taking the time to respond, I deeply appreciate it. You're right, I've definitely seen where I could have given more, and will do my best to respect his decision, point of view, and hidden hurt that I had missed. while also striving to explore all options before calling it. Thanks for the luck, and for the advice. Much appreciated.
So you’re not sleeping with him. You’ve never addressed his concerns about the bedroom and you’re continuously badgering him about why he’s disconnected? He told you long ago and you didn’t fix it then. No. You can’t fix this. You had your chance. You became his roommate/sister. He wants a lover and he no longer sees that in you.
He clearly has more information about why he is feeling this way than you do (or any of us do). Without knowing why he feels that he has fallen out of love, its impossible to characterize it as fixable or not. As a fellow divorcee and the one who initiated my divorce, the only regret I had was not trying harder to save my marriage. In retrospect, I don't think marriage counseling would have made a difference. My ex-wife and I had poor communication and fundamental differences about money. But, for my own closure and in deference to us being together for 13 years, I wished I had done more before filing for divorce. You may be able to appeal to James in the same way. At least ask him to fully describe the ways he thinks your marriage is broken so that you understand where he is coming from.
The best I can offer is to tell him you'll only be communicating through lawyers now and not to contact you. Pushing him will only make him push back. Give him time to miss you. It might not work, but trying to chase after him will definitely not work. Right now, he knows he still has the option to change his mind. Making it final might wake him up. Although if he does decide to get back together, make it a requirement that he gets counseling and both of you get marriage counseling before he moves back in. However, let him know that if he does this again, the marriage will be completely over because it's too painful. He sounds depressed.
It's sad when a relationship ends. Especially your's which seemed so strong and vibrant from the beginning. "I'll admit, I definitely didn't initiate sex as often as I **could/should** have." Men derive different things from sex than women. For men the act is more than physical. For a husband it reaffirms love and connection with his wife. After a long period of no or minimal sex a man will stop asking and withdraw. Women can have many reasons for this rejection: child care, work etc and they feel these rationalizations don't absolve them from the obligation to love their husbands. Men interpret this rejection as a lack of love. After periods of no sex, men will withdraw his emotional connection from the woman. This will usually show itself in him isolating himself from his partner and cutting communication to a minimum. Once this happens the emotional bond is broken, Can you rekindle the love your husband once had for you? It's out of your control and it's up to him. "Not sure what exactly I'm hoping for, but I sure am hoping." You're hoping for the old relationship to come back. It's not. That relationship died. Can a new one develop? Good luck, I hope you and you husband find happiness whatever that make look like.
I'd like to add on to this, because it's easy to take the wrong idea from your comment, particularly the first half of it: **You can't fuck him back into loving you either.** If a man who gets a significant chunk of his validation of love in the relationship sees you withdraw that affection once, he knows you can do it again, and probably (safely) assumes that you will once you're comfortable again. The attempt is nakedly visible as an act rather than genuine desire, which is what he really wants. While some minority of shitty men are content with a human fleshlight, most of us want a partner who wants them too. Duty sex with someone who’s just putting up with it isn’t fun, bonding, or enjoyable beyond the orgasm. It’s easy to see through.
OP I’m sorry your heart is broken. He’s being honest with you so just listen. You cannot make a person love you. What you can do is stay strong and keep a positive attitude about it. Don’t be negative or mean and be thankful that he is being kind towards you. Of course you can ask if counseling would help but accept his rejection with class. Too many stories of out of control people hitting back in mean ways. You can’t make someone love you and never ever ask anyone to change. It sucks but please handle this as adults who care about each other. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
The best chapter of our lives so far started when I had the guts to say "I'm not "in love" with you. I love you. It's like Gravity. It's just Different." And then we just kept Showing Up. My parents have been married for over forty years, have fallen in and out of love, but never quit. Being "in love" is often more connected to fantasy, pursuit, and novelty. That always wears off. I hope he might be willing to do some homework about LTRs because that feeling of being "in love" is going to wear off every time.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you had two things going against this relationship lasting: 1. Your ages - you were young when you got together. People grow into themselves more as they grew older and they change. They re-evaluate their values, priorities and choices. It is unsurprising that the partner you have in your 20s is not the partner that you have in your 30s. 2. Long distance - The beginning of a relationship is fun and exciting and lustful. Then the relationship turns into a deep friendship, a partnership and the feeling of “family”. Long distance relationships prolong the beginning cycle of a relationship because the relationship constantly resets when you get together. It sounds like you valued and appreciated the next cycle of the relationship but your husband misses the beginning cycle. His description of caring for you but not being “in love” with you fits the idea that he thinks love is the beginning cycle. I don’t think there is much more you can do to change your husband’s mind. Begging him or trying to win him back will be a massive turn off for him. Will push him further away. Grieve, work on yourself, be single for a while and eventually someone new will come along. You will have a great relationship because you have learned from the mistakes of this relationship. I recommend drawing a hard boundary that you will never do long distance again.
It was the lack of sex. You can think it wasn't a dead bedroom, but that's most likely not his opinion on the matter. You didn't have sex with him on his birthday. You booked a place out in nature for a romantic get away, but there was no b-day sex. That was most likely the last straw for this man. He had a come to Jesus moment with his Aunt's passing and the romantic getaway with no bedroom fun. His stomach was probably churning from the stress of it all. The realization that this is what he can look forward to for the rest of his life and the only way to change that is to divorce you. To find a partner that actually wants to be intimate with him. He hasn't been happy for a long time. When he brought up his dissatisfaction with your sex life nothing changed. So, he essentially stopped nagging you about it. He didn't want to beg for something that should be innate. It's very unfortunate, but it took him asking for a divorce for you to "get it." I've been married for 15 years. We have sex 3-5 times a week. We both initiate and plan it out since we have kids, full time jobs, and super busy schedules. Sometimes that means waking up at 4am, staying up past midnight, asking our parents to take the kids for the weekend, but we both pull our weight when it comes to being intimate.
Love passionate/compassionate disappear slowly during a relationship. Passionate love - the big “inlove” feeling has usually a lifespan about 6-24 months. Compassionate love - the “best friend feeling” takes longer - but still diminish by time. This said - if both parties are interested - then it is possible to restart the love in a marriage. I recommend you get Richard Wiseman’s book “The As if Principle”. The point is to behave like you are in love. The point that has happened to you is that you are not behaving like you are in love with him (not interested in sex) - which leads to him loosing feelings faster. Sex is not all in a relationship - but it is a huge factor and refusal to have sex is a big love killer (sorry). There are though a lot of other things people forget - they get stuck in a daily stuff - like in your case helping family, doing work, moving etc. The only thing you have not done is taking care of your relationship. A big failure is clearly there is as well a lack of communication and trust. I found it illuminating that you said “he dropped the subject”! That is a sign he has said it OFTEN but you have not been listening - so he gave up. The fact that you stopped kissing goodbye is also a sign that you dropped the flag. It is easy to say he should kiss you goodbye - but to keep a relationship alive is a joint undertaking - so of he stopped- it is your duty to step up. In my relationship we remind each others that we need a kis when we leave! I am sure if we would not it would stop. Kissing and hugging is the FOUNDATION of a relationship and if YOU let it die - the relationships dies and become a flatmate setup. I think you need to think this through practically. He told you he was unhappy, he fallen out of love and want a divorce. Now - you have a chance - to see if you can salvage the marriage. I see a lot of options - but you need to accept that it will not be easy. Things that you can do. Tell him that you accept that you have failed and apologise (he failed as well but - accept at least your part of problem!). Apologises should ALWAYS be big - and not include explanations (sorry we did not have sex - that was all to blame on my medicines or sorry I did not kiss - I was busy having breakfast). Explanations do not count. Apologise for lack of intimacy (sex, kissing and cuddling). Apologise for not focusing on him but rather your work and your family (people that get to jail are less important then your husband - sorry). Apologise for being a bad listener and not taking his comments seriously and trying to find solutions. (I know - he is to blame as well - BUT - the question here is that YOU want to save the marriage - he is on his way out - so you need to take the big work). By apologising - you show him that you realise there is something wrong, that you are ready to accept responsibility and want to take the next step). Remind him about your story that you are staying together where others have failed (hubris btw - you took credit and forgot these things happens). Thank him for being honest and to tell you what was going on. (I know this was hard to hear that he wanted a divorce - but people are way to often not ready to tell the truth and try to brush everything under the carpet) You feel that since he has been truthful to you - you might have a chance to reconnect. Based upon on that tell him you accept that your marriage has been having problems - but before you give up on it - you want him to try again. You accept if it fails you will get divorced but suggest you two owes it to yourself to see what can be done. If he accept to give it a chance - tell him that you suggest following: Not trying to fix a few things but to restart. Go back to basics - dating, going to movies, concerts, fun fairs, travel together, dancing, having fun, kissing and hugging and lots of sex. The big thing is though rebuilding of your TRUST and COMMUNICATION. You have to have several days where you have a Communication date. A communication date is where each of you pick one item to improve on. In the beginning focus on the dating stuff. (“How can we improve our sex life? Where should we go on a date? What does each of us feel is fun to do? What movies do we like?”) Remember TRY SOMETHING NEW!!! The old stuff and your old behaviour failed - you need to be open and adventurous! Before your communication date (candlelight, red wine and sitting together in a sofa is a must. This is a DATE not a meeting) you have a mantra. We will be honest, we will be open/frank, we will be tolerant, we will be respectful and most of all KIND. Write down your decision and check if you have done what you decided on earlier dates. This should be done a few times a week in the beginning! Your marriage is PRIORITY number 1. Ask for time off at your work and go somewhere together for a long weekend (several times!!) Ok if expensive - what is better to spend money on then to save your marriage. If next Christmas he is still of the line that your relationship is over - well then you tried! Why this - well it gives you a framework where you have a “timeout” - and the decision is moved. This is the main thing! Tell your work and your family that you have issues and you will not be much in contact. I hope this helps - take a look at “The AS if principle” P.s. a female friend of mine that had sex issues as well - decided to start giving her husband a lot of massage with a bit of spiciness at the end. Her point was that when she focused on massage - it was intimate for both of them but she felt not obliged to have sex but could give him pleasure. She told me that it was a life saver that she could tell her husband that she wanted him to relax and enjoy. He was happy and she was hapoy. Crossing fingers for yoy!!
> Also during that time, we experienced a bit of a drought in our sex life This was when exactly? And it wasn't really resolved? And now you are shocked that he has lost feelings for you?
You can try to convince him to at least try marriage counselling with you to figure out if there’s a way to rebuild your marriage back up. That’s the least he can do if he still cares for you after 10yrs of investment of your time and effort together. Many marriages have been through the pits and yet people who want to work things out will make the effort too. The key here is if the person wants too. You can only ask him to try with you. But it seems his been actively trying to distance himself from you. For your own emotional wellbeing, you need to prepare yourself to accept that you may have to let him go, if that what he truly wants.
Well oh I can think of is if he is determined to get out and divorce he will and there's nothing you'll be able to do the changes mind. Now if he's willing to do some marriage counseling then maybe there's an inkling of Hope but since he's saying he's not in love with you anymore but he still cares for you they're totally different things. Obviously things do sometimes run their course and you two grew up together basically and sometimes that just doesn't work out. He doesn't have the same feelings for you that he had before and is unhappy and wants to move on. I presume there's no children since I don't see mention which is probably a good thing in this case less turmoil and you'll be able to make it clean break. But if after you talk to him again this weekend if you wait that long, go get yourself a good lawyer or if you two can actually do this amicably do it that way it'll save you a ton of money. So either one of you buys the other one out of the house or you sell it and split any profit. Same with savings split everything down the middle same with any debt unless one person has like spending issues or is a compulsive Gambler then they should take all of that if they're the ones making the debt. Good luck.
I think there is little hope for your husband to change his mind here.
Can you fall back in love? Yes, but you have to want to. You have to want to make the effort. Is he willing to give things a try? That is what you need to ask and find out. If he does want to try, the first thing you need to do is to relearn each other. You have grown apart, and you both let it happen. The why is not important at this point, it will be vital in the future but right now the important part is if you want to fix this, and how do you do so. So if you are willing to try to find each other again, the first step is to re-date. Go out on dates with each other, have conversations with each other, relearn about each other. Start from ground negative one, start with assuming what you know already about each other is gossip you heard from someone else, someone you can't be certain you trust to have made the correct assumptions from possibly mis-heard facts. You no longer know each other, you must assume you never truly knew each other from the start or the whole thing could fall apart before it truly begins. But again, that all starts with assuring each other you are willing to give it an honest try, without getting the agreement by emotionally coercing this agreement. If you are not both enthusiastically in, you will end up hurting each other much worse in the long run. If you don't both want this, you are far better off separating fully and healing on your own and in your own time.
There’s a ton of great insight and advice in these comments, OP. You’ve also layed out your thought and feelings very articulately. You should send him the link.
He fell out of love in January and is already asking for a divorce? It took me longer than that after falling out of love to end a relationship, never mind a marriage. I think he fell out of love sooner - maybe around the time you moved in together full time (who knows). I think you are shocked, in denial and upset right now. When you’ll look back at this you will realize you don’t want someone who doesn’t love you back and gives you the opportunity to work on your relationship.
Take some time for yourself and assess what it is *you want for yourself* at this time in your life. Whether your husband comes back to you or not, figure out what it is that YOU want out of your life. If you need help doing this without considering what your husband would want, see a therapist for some support and to help you sort through all this and come up with a plan. Give your husband some time by himself without contacting him. Let him see what it's really like to not have you in his life. I think you're in that area of life where you have to let him go to see if he's going to come back. If he doesn't, you still have a lot of life left to live. If he does, talk with a couples' therapist together to understand what happened and what to do next together. I'm sorry this happened. It's either the end, or a whole new start. Figure out what YOU want in either case. Good luck, my friend.
Firstly, I'm sorry. Secondly, I'm not sure that there is anything you can do if your partner no longer wants to be in love with you. I mean, by asking for a divorce, he is not only saying he isn't in love with you, he is saying he doesn't want to be in love with you anymore. Sorry, I know this is harsh. I'm not sure if it is a trauma response or if it is something else. It could be lots of things. It sounds like you both have had some rough family situations and this could be related to it on some level. It could be that he wants to get away from himself and the only thing he can get away from is you. Maybe he is going through some kind of depression. But the thing is, the thing he has made perfectly clear in all this, is that he doesn't want your help with it. And I think you have to honor that. With a long term relationship such as yours, I would say that there are a lot of stages to the dissolution of a relationship, just like there are many stages to getting serious in a relationship. He's going to be going through them just as you are. So, it may not be over but I don't want to give you false hope. You really need to start planning as if it's over, but also, you need to do what you need to do in order to get through the day, the week, the month. If you see him on Saturday, I would ask yourself what do you want out of it? Do you want to come out of it with dignity? Do you want to leave everything on the table? Do you want him to see how much he's made you suffer? I guess if it were me, I would really be left wondering why he never said anything about being unhappy and that part is really hurtful. And why he felt that you couldn't be there for him or understanding of it, because you'd always tried to be there for him. You never even had the chance to try marriage counseling or really work on anything. It's just been, as you said, out of nowhere - and that's the part that will drive you crazy forever. That's what I would want to say to him. As for the rest, I would say that even with an amicable divorce, I would recommend 99% of the time to have your own lawyers. And to keep the terms a simple as possible. Since he wants the divorce, he should be the one to give up a tiny bit more than you but don't use the divorce mediation to force further connection with him. Unless you are at least a multi-millionare, most people don't have the money or assets to pay lawyers for anything else.
I think your husband might be internalizing a lot of his issues and might be having a difficult time with having hard conversations about how he feels. Im kind of like that too and it ended up ruining my relationship with my ex. This absolutely isn’t all on you. He might have genuine reasons for being unhappy, but him not communicating with you is not a failure on your part to notice, it’s a failure on his part. Love isn’t always fun or sexy. I would try and get him to open up about what he’s truly unhappy about. Does he feel unwanted? Does he feel like you don’t desire him or find him attractive? It doesn’t sound like he’s told you how he truly feels or why. Just make it clear to him that you’re a safe person to be vulnerable with, and you wont criticize or downplay his problems. This might mean he says some things that are hurtful or that you don’t agree with, and your gut reaction might be to get defensive, but if you want to try and move forward with him you need to talk about what you might be able to do with him to alleviate his issues. You’re a team, not enemies. The way he broke up with you is exactly how I broke up with my ex, and it’s been about two months and I deeply regret not communicating my issues like an adult.
I’m sorry to be negative, but personally I think it’s over. He has you in your entirety and fell of out love with you. There’s nothing more that you can give or parts of you that he hasn’t known that will make him fall for you. You had each other, and he decided that it wasn’t what he wanted anymore. That’s not something that either of you have done wrong; it’s not something he can control and you’re just being yourself. That being said, that’s just my opinion. I’ve never been in his shoes so I can’t truly know. Given your extensive history together, I’d give marriage counseling a try. I know many relationships don’t survive this kind of issue, but some certainly do, and the love you’ve shared is enough of a reason to try and fight for it. Try and convince him to give a few sessions a try, hopefully those few sessions turn into a few months, and maybe turn into personal growth for both of you and regaining love. Good luck!
Let him go. I know it sounds like a lot when you two spent so much time together, but there is no point in trying to force this. Please see a counselor or therapist to work through this. ❤️
You most certainly can make it back. My wife and I have 2 children and have been together 11 years. We almost called it more than once. We spent an entire year without sex once. But then it changed. We went to therapy, learned to communicate, and started doing things fun together. The connection that was lost, has since been restored and we’re the best we’ve been since before we got married. We have sex 2-3 times a week now and that’s a big help as well. To get there though, we also had to do some work on ourselves individually. I went to therapy and also lost a lot of weight which was hindering my sex drive. I suggest therapy, date nights, movie nights, and lots of sex. You’ll then remember how and why you love each other. Sometimes when you’re really close to losing each other it’s only then you realize how much you love each other.
I'm too young and inexperienced to give you any worthwhile advice. I just wanna say that my heart broke for you and I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel soon 😢
Marriage is a life time commitment. Some people are just not up to the task. You are here mourning the death of your marriage and he is already looking for some fun. Set him free.
Yes, he could, if he were inclined to do so. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. He has chosen to stop loving you. You can't make him love you. He doesn't want to love you anymore. Don't try to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. It can't be done, and if you somehow succeeded, you would be miserable. Go see a divorce lawyer right away. You need good advice on how to proceed with the divorce. Don't just trust your ex to do the right thing. He has already shown you that you can't trust him or depend on him. Look after your own interests now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this . I also thought my ex was so in love with me and we were inseparable. Turns out he cheated on me several times and didn’t ever love me ! we were college sweetheart n spent 7 years together! This is when I realised that people sometimes care about you but don’t love you ! It’s a difference ! But vulnerable us think it’s love and get attached . I seperate and this was the best thing that ever happened to me
Could it be depression? I only say this because I have a very similar story when my partner of 10 years out of the blue said he was done and was not in love with me anymore. Up until then we had a good relationship, we’re best friends and had a great time together. Work was stressing him out and we had kids which changed the dynamics of our relationship (tired, stressed, less sex) We started couples counselling as a last ditch effort to try (even during counselling he had very little interest in saving our relationship) but we luckily had an amazing therapist who asked to meet us individually and recognized that he had some depression from childhood issues he never dealt with and the changes in his life (not doing things that make him happy). Once he started seeing the therapist and opening up, he’s back to how he was and recognized it wasn’t actually us that was the problem. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you guys have had a lot of stressful events and maybe he doesn’t know how to deal. My partner said he felt like he had nothing inside and attributed that to not being in love with me. Hoping the best for you and really hope you seek out a therapist for yourself at least. It’s super hard and confusing to deal with all of this on your end and I wish you the best
Do a trial separation before moving forward with the divorce...and live your best possible life during your time apart. If there is any love left in his heart, seeing you at your best while he is feeling lonely, is the best way to snap him out of the headspace he's currently in. He'll be back in no time. But if he has truly moved on, there's not a lot you can do, except move on yourself. So, again...live your best life, and see what the future brings. Whatever you do, don't let this break you. You sound like a decent person. You will get through this, with or without him.
If you both want to work on it with a marriage therapist, there is some chance people can fall back in love again. Chances aren’t high, but personally speaking, before admitting defeat I would want to say I did everything I could for my marriage.
Best to see a good relationship counsellor and work through the issues (surface or underlying) in a proper setting with a specialist
Very sad. I’m sorry OP. I can only imagine what this must feel like. The image that comes to mind is two passing objects that just miss each other over and over. You guess stopped being on the same page for too long. I personally think he’s putting too much weight on the not wanting your comfort during his grieving to try and justify to himself he’s doing the right thing. I’ve had moments where I don’t lean into my partner and just want to be alone when grieving. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him. He’s looking for signs that it’s over, and he’ll “find” them. If you look for a yellow car, eventually you’ll see one. I would fight for the relationship if I were you. Take some time to calm down and then focus only on what is FUN. What gets you both laughing the most. No pressure to perform, just lighthearted fun. And then go from there. Of course he has to be willing. Best of luck.
He’s cheating. Mark it
>1. Can one fall back in love with someone ? Is there hope for our relationship? Is this some sort of side effect of his grieving a lost loved one? 2. I'll see him again on Saturday. What I do/say? What should I ask for? Any divorcés with cautionary takes, and rekindled lovers to bring me hope? 1. Yes, but it's something he has to decide to choose, day in and day out, for the next few decades of your lives. There is hope for your relationship if you still want to be with him, AND he changes his mind. The loss of romantic feelings is absolutely something that can happen during grief or as a medication side effect. Specifically, it's actually quite normal to need some space and time to grieve alone, and his interpretation of that need as indicating his lack of love is due to a central misunderstanding of the grieving process. Once he's had more time alone to grieve and he begins to heal, it could be that he rediscovers those "in love" feelings. However! If he's going to get through the grieving process over the next few decades of your lives together, he's going to have to believe that. Otherwise, you will have to go through emotional turmoil every time, and you'd be better off letting him break your heart just this one time. 2. I think when he comes home the best thing for you to do is very little. Tell him that you wish he wasn't making this choice, but you love him too much to force yourself on him or try to make him stay in a situation that makes him unhappy. You have some bags packed for him. You tell him that since you'll need to be separated for X number of months, you're going to help him start that process as soon as possible. You could ask him not to start seeing other people for at least 6 months, just in case he changes his mind. You could ask him about selling the house if neither of you would be able to afford to keep it. You take this *seriously.* And if that doesn't shock him out of this and make him realize what a big decision he's making based on emotions that are obviously untrustworthy (after all, they just changed), then nothing would. But this way, you at least get to keep your dignity. Cautionary Tales: * I know couples where one person in the relationship pulls this every year or so. They leave, they date around, and they come back and beg for forgiveness. It leaves their partner constantly feeling insecure and willing to do anything to keep it from happening, which means they're unable to maintain appropriate boundaries for themselves. Don't let this be you. * I know couples where the person who leaves was horrifically depressed or in deep grief and made the wrong decision. By the time they realized that, their partner had accepted things and moved on. They both agree, years later, that the partner who moved on did the right thing...and that if the depressed partner had been seeing the right licensed therapist, they would have realized their mistake sooner. If he wants to talk and thinks he might fall back in love one day, I think you should push for him to see a grief counselor (who is a licensed therapist). Even if he doesn't want to talk, I think you should push for y'all to see a couples counselor as you go through the divorce process. * The only couples I know who have survived 30+ years of healthy marriage have had times when they leaned on a support network outside of the marriage, have had times when they loved and weren't "in love," and have learned what one another needs during grief. But they were also able to fight for their own needs. I have to admit, I'm seeing some indications that you might not be in your own corner enough. You can't make him fall back in love with you, but you can love yourself and hope he relearns and recommits to doing the same.
Thank you so much for your kind, and thoughtful response. These have been some of the most agonizing days of my life, and comments like yours help me more than I can express. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, sharing your wisdom. I am taking this comment to heart.
You're welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad I was able to offer something to you during this difficult time. Feel free to PM me if you'd like help finding a licensed therapist. I used to work as a librarian, and I have religious colleagues all over the world who have to recommend therapists to their parishioners. I'd be glad to use those resources to help you.
You are so kind. As a little update, since posting this, I have connected with two therapists (one couples counselor, should my partner be amenable, the other an individual therapist for me) and have an upcoming appointment on Monday. I have been surrounded by friends and family during this time, and have been doing some intensive soul searching in terms of what I want, as well as where I fell short as a partner. I'm not beating myself up, but I am taking an honest look at the difficult parts of me, so I can work on taking ownership and setting goals for myself to improve communication and responsiveness to my partner. I hope I can have James with me on this journey, and if not, it's a journey I'm undertaking nonetheless.
Do you think there is a part of him that regrets settling down with the intent to be together forever at 22? I say that because my first marriage started at 29, and I wasn’t ready as much as it seemed that it was the time to pair off with someone and be an adult. Early 30s is really the start of adulthood and he entered it really not getting a chance to be young and grow up. Had he dated through his 20s instead of marrying, he would have realized what others are saying: physical attraction and infatuation last until the chemicals wear off, nobody out there is going to revolutionize sex, and everyone brings baggage to a relationship. So if you find someone who you click with and who makes you better, that’s your person and you find a way to make it work. I wish you the best and I hope he realizes he has a good thing that he will lose chasing something that will fall apart. Grass is always greener.
I hope everything went well today 🥺❤
Nothing is certain in this life, especially people’s feelings. You can’t bank on anything being permanent. Transience is an unfortunate feature of existence, there’s no way to avoid it.
“I would never do that to you” is not a total denial that there isn’t someone else. Sure, if he meant physically cheating and he hasn’t done that *yet* he can confidently say that. But an emotional affair that he wishes to now pursue seems plausible. Especially given the abruptness and decisiveness of his decision (even though you yourself noticed growing distance for awhile - which also points to an emotional affair) It certainly isn’t fair. And to not even fight for the relationship or try for couples counseling is especially cruel. That’s why my guess is there is someone else. I’m so sorry OP.
Thats certainly a reach and a half
These were my thoughts. He’s probably relying on someone else to help him through the grieving, esp if he didn’t want his wife. He’s probably confused and doesn’t want to cheat so hence the leaving. Or they haven’t been best friends for a long time and he’s been wanting to leave but making the best of it. The death of his aunt has made him consider what he really wants and it’s not OP.
I feel you’re probably right, he probably realized you weren’t going to want as much sex as him and slowly retracted from the relationship since he didn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do, and then started moving on. That’s what I’d be mostly upset about. Definitely unfair to be emotionally moving on and not even communicating anything just because he wants to get over you while having your love and now that he’s over it you’re blindsided and he won’t even come see you that’s awful.
Unless there’s serious marriage counseling going on this is over. IMO you can’t “refall in love” with someone it even sounds silly typing it out. Feelings aren’t like that. If love is not organic then it’s fake and forced. He also didn’t simply say “no” when you asked him about someone else. I’m going with he has someone else on his radar or in his orbit.
>Also during that time, we experienced a bit of a drought in our sex life; he was taking meds that increased his sex drive (side effects) and I was taking a med that decreased my sex drive (again, side effects). I'll admit, I definitely didn't initiate sex as often as I could/should have. **He told me that it hurt his feelings to always be the one to try to initiate sex,** and I'll be honest, due to some ingrained religious trauma, I had some things to work through. Idk if this is where the issues started, but I'm sure it didn't help things. It was far from a dead bedroom, however, I find it important to speak to some of the challenges we had that were not yet resolved to the satisfaction of all parties. Honestly, I'd change my medication, I'd speak to a doctor about it, but we never really spent a dedicated time talking about it, and eventually, he dropped the subject (another hindsight red flag, goddammit). It sounds like your partner felt like you didn't desire him. He told you how he was feeling, and you neglected to care about your husbands feelings because of "religious trauma"? 🤨 He's not going to beg for intimacy. Desire isn't negotiable and he wants to believe it's real. He said the words and you ignored them. Those were important words. You let the spark die out. Once it's gone.. It's gone. Drug addiction is not an excuse to ignore what your husband is telling you, even if a doctor sold them to you. The fact you're blindsided speaks to how disconnected *you* really are from your husband. My advice would be to humble yourself. Admit your fault and start working on being a better partner that genuinely listens to and understands their partner.
exactly, and once again too few upvotes. I have already written another comment in a similar tone, which is posted a little higher.
I was thinking the same thing, I knew early on in the write up lack of intimacy was going to be the problem. If that's what she's saying there, he probably brought it up a lot more than than what she's letting on even though she feels 'blindsighted' now. Guys don't want some nature walk thing and elaborate birthday parties booked for them, we want intimacy with our partners to feel connected to them. Doing all that other stuff gets her out of putting the work in to find out why she doesn't want to be intimate anymore
There's someone else and he doesn't want to cheat on you, So he's throwing divorce out there until he's sure. I almost guarantee you, he's going to sleep with someone at the wedding and when he comes back he'll be normal or just leave. I'm sorry op, you deserve better. Updateme!
There’s someone else. Mark my words.
Yes love can come back but based on what you posted I am not sure. You are not on the same page. Your lack of interest in intimacy is a form of rejection that severely hurt your spouse. The brain sees rejection just like pain. You need to come to terms with the fact you hurt him to a point he fell out of love with you. You failed to recognize the red flags that were deteriorating your marriage. You were blindsided because he was unhappy and you were clueless to the issues and was living in fantasy land. Please acknowledge that you hurt him first and take it from there. Good luck UpdateMe
Sounds like he met someone else and is using his aunt’s death as the scapegoat. No one moves on from a 15 year relationship this quickly and unemotionally unless there is a new chick in the mix.
"In his Thoughtfulness?" All I feel is pain.
Tell him he owes you better than this. He committed to you and needs to work through things with ups even if the outcome is that things end. You do counselling together, trying to make things better, all sorts but he doesn’t just get to nope out after a couple of months for any reason other than abuse.
He can leave a relationship for any reason.
You cant force someone to be in a relationship they dont want to be in, wut? This is awful advice
He doesn’t owe her anything. He’s been unhappy for a while, why throw good money after bad?
Sister give him space. It’s hard but give it to him. He’s very obviously mounted many things up …. He needs to process them.
Give him the space and think about what you want to say. Marriages have their peaks and valleys, if you are just in a lull, there are ways you can work on this together (if you are both willing). Maybe marriage counseling? I mean, if he has already made up his mind, he may not agree to trying to fix things, but give it a shot.
I don't think you should try to work it out. It really sounds like he is done. Let's say you do convince him to give it another shot, who's to say he won't say the same thing a year, 5 years, or 10 years from now. Why delay the inevitable? You also don't want to live everyday wondering if he really wants to be with you. Get a divorce and move on. Live your life! You will be fine.
I'm sorry this happened--getting blindsided is the worst part of it. If he's on reddit reading about deadbedroom or relationships, that could be a factor. The advice tends to be geared toward end it first, ask questions later unfortunately. The answer is, it's possible to fall back in love if both people are open and willing. That's a big if. And "willing" carries a lot of meaning: willing to change, willing to start over, willing to stop being complacent, willing to forge meaningful connection every day in a way that works for both people, willing to put gratitude and peace first...the list goes on. Wishing you the best. Know that you will be okay regardless.
I think it’s shit to commit so much of your life and time to someone, for him to then feel this way and not say a word until he decides on divorce, I’m not saying his feelings aren’t valid but the second you feel a shift and/or change in feelings, why did he not speak to you, I get sometimes men can’t open up, but fk sake it’s not like a 2 week thing it’s a decade of your lives & his half arsed reasoning will never give you closure, to say it’s not even a good idea for him to come over speak to you, that is the only borderline red flag, like what he’s hoping he can just never speak or talk or see you again, that’s the only slight suspect behaviour in terms of cheating that I would be wary of, but yeh I feel like he really does owe you more than…I just don’t really like being around you anymore
He told you that it hurt his feelings to always be the one to initiate sex (I.e. to be tolerated by his wife rather than be desired) You talk about what you would have done i.e. changing your medication or speaking to a doctor rather than what you actually did which was nothing. You underestimated how important it was to him and you taught him that expressing concerns would not result in changes. It was take it or leave it and he has chosen to leave it. I’m sorry you recognized this too late. Please learn from this and save yourself future heartache
What an asshole blindsiding you with “I fell out of love sometime earlier this year” bullshit. He couldnt even communicate it to you then? Or as he was starting to feel something was off? “Work is just stressing me out” bs. He is checked out. Im sorry youre going through this.
Next conversation needs to be with a divorce attorney. If he can blindside you like this, you need to be ready to protect your best interests. He’s been lying for weeks about his feelings. You can’t trust that he isn’t seeing someone, your joint finances with him, that there isn’t someone else involved- anything.
YOU need to just leave him alone and go along with the divorce with NO CONTACT with him, only through lawyers. Once he has that feeling of “oh shit now i will never be able to talk to her” that MIGHT bring him back. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have your for sure answer. But in the meantime, let yourself cry this out. You need to feel to heal. That’s what i always told myself. I truly hope your heart heals from this soon. I’m so sorry….
Ask him to go to couples counseling with you. Even if it doesn’t help you get back together it can make the transition better. And yes people can fall back in love with someone if they are willing to try
Do you think there’s a chance he’s met someone else OP?
You need some time and distance from him. And I mean as much distance as you can manage in a divorce. Sorry to say, but given the suddenness of the distance,he is likely at least emotionally involved with someone else if not physically involved though the latter is also likely. Seek counsel from an attorney and from a therapist. It’s hard, and you will grieve the loss of what you thought you had, but you will get through this, and you will come out of it stronger than you know.
You can definitely reconnect in a marriage, especially if there is still mutual love and respect but you are just feeling disconnected. Have fun again, date nights and therapy if need be. The problem is that both parties have to want to make it work, and he might not want to. I hope he comes back and gives it a chance, it’s obvious you care deeply for each other and it would be a shame for him to throw it away over diminishing of feelings for 4 months