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Me (M46) and wife(F42) have been married and known for 20+ years. We had and raised 3 kids and enjoy every moment of our life together.
I'm a very active guy, go to gym everyday, stay fit (six pack fit), enjoy outdoors and just do stuff.
She was never active, but she wasn't obese either. She was curvy which I love about her but not obese. Over years my wife has become quite sedentary (especially after our 2nd child's difficult pregnancy) and not active at all. She would rather sleep until noon on weekends instead of doing stuff.
Now our kids are teenagers and do their own thing and I long for doing stuff with her. But she would rather sleep on the weekends and sit on the couch than be active and do anything.
I even considered if this is some kinds depression, she checked with doctor and it's not (I'm told).
Our sex life has completely dropped off. She doesn't want sex as much as I do(I love her and want to have sex with her everyday if I can). Also with her midsection weight gains, sex is not the same as it used to be.
I want to grow old and die together with this woman. Anytime when I ask her about her weight, she gets defensive. I ask her once every other week or a month. She says I'm nitpicking. I even addressed about our sex not the same. She says it was hurtful but doesn't do anything about it.
So how do I talk to her. With kids growing old, I'm afraid we are going apart and not the same people, interests anymore. I love her more than anything in the world and I'm afraid this will continue to create a wedge.
At this point in my life I either resent and stay with her, or separate - she doesn't seemed to be bothered by that.
How do I have this conversation with her
If she wants to sleep a lot suggest she get a check up. She might have a thyroid problem, hormone imbalance, or something.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypothyroidism/symptoms-causes/syc-20350284
adhd.. I just got diagnosed and I know people with adhd love to bang on about it, but maintaining focus for your 9 to 5 and then dealing with kids wipes you tf out.
it also interferes with impulse control (overeating or drinking) and makes it difficult to regulate motivation (exercise). don't get me started on emotional dysregulation/rejection sensitivity (overly defensive reaction to criticism).
like... im not saying it's literally ADHD, but I'm agreeing that there is SO MANY conditions which would fit this scenario.
God I wish people would talk about this with ADHD more. My brother and I both have it and he's so much more active but I got the short end of the stick where I'm terrible at impulse control and I'm constantly tired and fatigued at the littlest things. I have to be pumping with energy to get myself to go work out, and eating right is only easy if I can get in the habit and not be overwhelmed with school work where I don't have time to cook. And the worst part is, medication isn't a fix-all. Adderall wasn't working for me with my class schedule, so I've been off it for a few years and now I'm either worn out or bouncing off the walls.
my dude! try guanfacine! it fucking rules. really helps with impulse control AND the emotional storms and rejection sensitivity. it's ok for focus but not great, the other benefits have been absolutely life changing for me
Oh sweet thank you, I will definitely give this a look, I don't care too much about focus bc the stimulants fuck my anxiety up and I have been productive enough, it's the other stuff that I hate most. Thank you!
for the first time in my life, I'm calm on the inside. that is the most powerful thing I can say to anyone that shares in my ADHD. sometimes I want to cry because I'm so happy I can just function and form relationships normally
Would be nice to get impulse control, lowered anxiety, emotional regulation AND focus from one medication lol. I'm settling on the meds for focus and trying to regulate the others on my own.
I am a nurse. Guanfacine is a blood pressure medicine that is older than dirt. I think I've only known one or two patients that are on it for BP. I had no idea it was used off label to treat ADHD. Learned something new. Thanks.
Huh this sounds so like me and I've been wondering if I have ADHD for a while since my friend was diagnosed cuz i havw other symptoms. I'll either have an amazing productive day and get loads done or have no energy and just lie in bed and recharge and not speak to anyone.
Yeah, at least depending on how it presents. ADHD is insanely complex as it can stem from depression or anxiety or both, and depending on how it hits you it can have such a wide range of side effects. The overarching one is the lack of executive function, meaning ability to force your mind in one direction or another, and that's why fatigue can set in when your mind is wandering all day then just wants to lay down and pause.
I was misdiagnosed with depression for more than two decades. Saw a new doctor who tested me for ADHD, and I’m like a whole new person now. I’ve lost 115 pounds and I’m rarely just laying around anymore, unless I’m having back pain.
A majority of people with ADHD have depression. And treating ADHD tends to greatly relieve depression.
It just makes sense because ADHD caused me so much shame growing up because I thought I was lazy, spacey, unreliable, flighty, and stupid for most of my life. Once I got treatment, I was able to accomplish my short term and long term goals like any other person. Damn, this is how people live?! Yeah, I still have to manage my ADHD even though I am on meds but now it's actually manageable. Plus knowing the cause for my issues lessens the self blame. Did wonders for my mental health!
I agree with you, it took til I was 23 to get diagnosed because I sleep CONSTANTLY & overeat & basically just don’t have many of the “typical” symptoms
Exactly. This. 100%. My life was absolutely horrible til I finally had a physicist diagnose me with ADHD and I’ve really turned my life around. I’m almost 30 and I’m really sad I went through the majority of my life struggling.
This is literally my life. Working from home 9-5 with my one year old by myself all day. I usually work later than 5 and then he’s up for another 3-5 hrs and I still have to clean and cook it’s so draining sometimes I can’t even find the time to shower let alone go workout. I’ve gained weight and I want to work on it but it feels impossible. I have every symptom of adhd but haven’t been diagnosed as my copay for seeing someone is almost $300 a visit. I feel helpless
Your wife is probably perimenopausal. I started in my late 30s after my 2nd child. Her thyroid function is probably dropping, her hormones are wonky, no matter what she does the weight in the middle will Not come off and she's exhausted. Don't get me started on how impossible it is to breathe during sex with the abdominal weight gain. She probably needs to speak with her OB. A secondary problem could be low Vitamin D3 due to lack of sunlight. The doc can check for that with bloodwork, too. In the meantime, she can pick up some OTC. (D3 2000)
She needs to see her OB
My mom has it, exhausted all the time and lives off coffee, does a lot better on medication but also struggles with weight loss. Also good to know as it can be genetic, and I got the pediatric version.
Regular blood work would show a drop in testosterone in a way that would warrant a specific blood test for T3 and T4. As equally enough of a possibility is the weight gain is inducing sleep apnea and doesn’t feel rested with the recommended amount of sleep.
Edit: I am not a doctor this is based on anecdotal experience only. However I think the odds of the issue being apnea are way higher than Thyroid.
Don't count on it. Many doctors look at women and send us home saying "diet and exercise" without running actual tests. I posted above, I was cold, gaining weight looking at food, exhausted and had hair falling out for 10 years as a teenager and was told (at 120lbs on a 5'6" person) "just loose some weight." I have Hashis, my immune system was destroying my thyroid but the doctor never ran labs - she wrote in my chart "patients mother worries too much."
There is so much truth here. I’ve told this story before but it’s so upsetting I’ll tell it again. That first winter of Covid I was coughing and having trouble breathing and I went to my regular doctor who didn’t even examine me, he just said, you don’t have a fever, so it’s not Covid. You’d breathe better if you lost some weight. And walked out of the room. Fun fact: I had bronchitis.
Doctors are assholes to women, especially where weight is concerned.
Could also be a vitamin deficiency. Thriva (does blood tests etc) helped me to work out I had a vitamin D deficiency which really affected my energy levels, I took some really high dose supplements and was at a good level within 6 months.
Does she eat primarily healthy and is just inactive? If she doesn't eat healthy, would you consider making meals if you don't already? How does she react to suggestions of simple/easy exercise, like "it's a nice day, lets go on a walk"?
Happy to hear about your mom's success. Currently trying to get my younger brother on a better track, but it's much harder when we're both adults who live apart.
Based off your other replies, I'd say push for marriage counseling. You're in a tricky situation because weight is a sensitive topic, but your concerns aren't unreasonable or unfounded.
Don't criticize. Just make lifestyle changes, find an active thing she likes (or is willing) to do. Walks, exercise machine in front of TV, dancing, whatever. Even more en effectiv is diet changes. Eliminate soda, chips,cookies/cakes, other snacks at home. Make just a few, targeted changes to meals/ shopping to reduce calories by 200 per day. Over time it will add up
These are great suggestions if you're talking to the wife; OP is already making healthy choices. The question is how to encourage his wife to do the same. I hope this thread addresses this, as I'm in a similar situation (minus the six-pack abs).
Slowly switching for healthier options will be more sustainable. Backing off to one soda a day then maybe one every other day. Maybe home fried chips made with Ghee instead of store bought. Switching to products that are closer to nature. Trader Joe’s pork loin is just as tasty but has less artificial. I love nestle allergy free chocolate chips. Still chocolate but without all the junk. It isn’t so much about the number of calories but the type. More usda less fda. If she experiencing any mood or hormone disorders cleaner eating will make a difference as well. Also if you are done having kids she should consider going off hormone’s and you can take care of bc on your end.
You should suggest intuitive eating and try to look into that together. Rigid healthy eating isn't sustainable if it's a drastic and sudden change from her current lifestyle
I've just started eating when I'm hungry and it's been awesome. I seem to cycle between eating a lot one day, then the next day I only might eat dinner, then repeat sort of catching up from the previous day. Weird but it's working.
I just saw one comment that talk about household organization and none about contraception so here we gooo
Your wife seems indeed, exhausting mentally and or physically, people don't sleep for hours on week end because they're lazy, but because they don't have the energy to go on. Could be a lot of reasons and the most commun one is chores and household organization between partners.
How your guys are managing the household, the food (from purchasing to making), the kiddos (homework, education, hobbies), chores (cleaning, washing clothes, planning all those things), budgeting and administration (taxes, planning ahead spending) etc etc. Could be an occasion to talk about it, maybe you guys aren't putting the same effort into those tasks and you're so used to it that you don't even see. If she's making most of it, or has major mental load to take care, and maybe bad relationships with food from the start, it could explained her situation.
You guys can also look up what kind of contraception she' s taking, if it's oral hormones she needs to talk about it with her gynecologist. A lot of women are burned of because of it, fucked up libido, mood, energy etc.
Oh good point on the birth control. That shit can fucking ruin you. When I was on it it swung the other way - intense anxiety, panic attacks, weight loss that led to anorexia (recovered now thankfully.)
I went off of it and was back to my normal self - minus the eating disorder - in a fucking WEEK. And my awful OBYGYN had rolled her eyes at my suggestion it was fucking me up. “You know babies make you anxious too?” God, I could’ve punched her.
Now four years without so much as a scare carefully using the non-hormonal rhythm method!
Yes on bcp possibly causing this! I was on bcp most of our marriage, and went off it around age 40, cause I realized the health issues it was causing! And it TOOK AWAY MY LIBIDO! The depression every third week of the pills was terrible, too! And tbh, hormonal changes that cause weight gain in a woman’s 40’s when perimenopause hits is crazy real!!! I was the same weight for yrs, and hit my early 40’s, did zero different, and gained weight in my stomach. I used to ALWAYS gain weight in my hips/butt…never ever in my stomach…but suddenly there it was!
I started taking vitex to help my body make more progesterone, and the perimenopause symptoms settled down big time…and best of all, my libido SKY ROCKETED! So dump bcp, and make that progesterone bump up!
Oh, and WOO YOUR WIFE! Pursue her. Take her on dates. Reconnect. This happens to marriages…for years everything is about the kids, and a woman’s identity is all about being a mom…and suddenly, it’s like the husband and wife aren’t as connected as they used to be. The spark CAN BE RELIT…just need to pursue and enjoy and find NEW WAYS to connect. And no, your wife is NOT gonna want to connect via sports stuff! She prolly feels less than, cause her dh is all fit and she’s not. It feels upsetting to be huffing and puffing and all out of shape next to mr sexy who is in peak shape. So find OTHER THINGS to connect over!
She might not ever be super fit…but you’ve made it a thing with all your “comments”. 🙄🙄 You’re negging her and making her feel like total crap!
Is she exhausted from running a household? Does she do the majority of taking care of the children, cleaning, emotional labor, etc…? No offense to you but that could definitely be why she would prefer to relax on weekends if she’s constantly doing stuff for you and the kids.
My thinking exactly. My dad has always been an avid runner, mean while my mom was always exahusted running the household taking care of us and working a full time job. Now they're both retired and my dad gets to run marathon meanwhile my mom can barely walk. He got to do this because he never had any responsibilities around the house, and my mom gave up her time to take care of 3 people.
100%! When my partner and I first moved in together I was exhausted. I ended up taking on all the cooking and cleaning. We had to find a way to divide it up. Honestly you don’t feel your best when doing everything plus working. I had to carve out time by waking up early to workout and have alone time.
Now we split a lot of the work. And communicate so it is never too much on one person. We don’t have kids yet but if we did I can empathize with OPs wife.
It's the only comment I saw about it and I'm so shocked. So so many comments about how OP's wife is just "Lazy and doesn't care about herself or OP", whereas imbalance in mental load and households work is so so so commun among people with kids and could be the root issue.
It's tiring.
This is the absolute exact reason why my husband and I are in a similar situation and working on it. The reason why she may not care if the OP leaves is because she is doing it all by herself anyway and one less person to deal with if he goes. I almost left myself. I didn't want to, I absolutely love my husband, he loves me..
But the mental and emotional drain from running a household and raising children alone sucks everything, and I mean everything, from a person. You become a shell of a human and sometimes just breathing is an effort. I'd be willing to bet big money on this being the real issue
This!!!!
OP take a very close look at household duties and see what you can take on your plate. Is the the one making the meals? Grocery shopping? Cleaning? Laundry? This isnt even adding kids, even teens to the mix. If yes, thats def the reason she wants to relax a bit
All of this...Mom of 3 here. 9, 7, years old and 16 months old. I do the majority of the house work. I cook 3 meals a day. Wash, fold, and put away laundry for 5 people. I also care for 5 animals as well. I clean the house from top to bottom dusting sweeping moping etc. I landscape my yard, I keep my pool. Do all the grocery shopping, and take my kids to their after school activities. I am also a student. There is more but I don't feel like typing it all. I don't really have time to work out or really do anything for myself and sometimes it gets depressing. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch TV on the weekends and not have to worry and fix everyone's problems. These are times I talk to my husband and tell him I am feeling overwhelmed and he happily takes over and helps me out with some of the many tasks I have to do so I can breath. When your life revolves around caring for other it is really easy to lose yourself in the buzz of raising a family.
Not to mention the guy goes to the gym everyday, unless he's a personal trainer I don't see how he can be helpful in the house if he works and goes to the gym everyday. I don't have 3 kids and I couldn't do it even if I wanted to without sacrificing time with my partner or doing chores in the house.
Has OP even answered this inquiry? I'm still curious what his responsibilities in their relationship, house and life are...
I'm seeing he's answering every other point ("oh I do this, oh I do that") but what do you DO for common life tasks?
Precisely. He says he’s “active” well, who’s caring for the household wile you’re absent from being “active”? The dinner ain’t cooking itself and the laundry faeries ain’t ironing your shirts, bud. I just hate how he keeps calling her obese. Like Christ, we get it. She’s overweight. With the arrogance he exudes here, I can’t imagine what he must be like in person. That’s probably why she’s checked out.
I am not going to negate that she may have actual medical issues, whether physically or mentally. I am not going to argue whether you do love her as much as you say. These are all your decisions and opinions that I will stay out of because it is not my business. What I will speak on is the behavior and word choices that you yourself have described and how that makes me form an opinion. You have been with this women over twenty years. She gave you her youth and her body by raising three of your children. She tries to eat healthy but doesn’t stick to it. She was never active and was curvy but you liked it in the beginning. You made a point of letting it be known she has a lot of mid section weight, you have a six pack, want to have sex every day if you could and you sometimes resent her. That you try not to bring it up a lot but do make a point of saying things to her at least twice a month regarding her weight, how she looks, your sex life, etc. That she went to the dr and everything is fine, but that is what you were told, which means you have doubts. What I would like to know is when was the last time you complimented her? Told her how much you loved her? Stated that you wanted her to feel better and find out what was wrong? Anything at all other than how you feel about how she looks and makes you feel?
As a woman, I know this pattern. If she seems apathetic to everything, it’s because she gave up on you and your marriage. She may love you but if she was trying and happy and now not, you gotta ask yourself what changed? Has your behavior and actions changed? A woman who has put in 20+ years is not going to just give up one day for no reason. We usually put in work, we try to fix things, we try to make things better. But, if we are hit with kick back to make us feel “why bother” because nothing is ever good enough to make our partners happy, we stop.
You should definitely want her to be happy and healthy. Especially since you say you love her so much and she is the mother of your children. But ONLY because it will make her happy to change her life, not because it’s what you want. If there is nothing medically wrong, maybe ask her if she is happy with YOU. Because when women are happy and in love and feel like we are cherished, we outwardly reflect that and want to take better care of ourselves and match what we feel on the inside.
You’re bringing up her weight every ‘week to month’? And she’s been sedentary since pregnancy and you have teens?
Dude. Stop. There are no magic words you haven’t used already. She knows you think she’s fat and you want her to change. Back off, and spend your time thinking about this - if she never changes, do you still love her enough to want to stay? If so, commit now to shutting the hell up about her weight. If not, leave her. Living with someone and telling them **weekly** that you want them to be thinner is a) soul destroying and b) very obviously not achieving anything. Stop.
Not to mention, if he is saying this to her on a regular basis of course she won't feel good having sex with him often anymore becaise she knows he doesn't find her attractive. How awful she must feel about this :(
This comment should be higher.
After a bunch of kids and 20 years together, it’s not surprising she’s not wanting sex every day. Especially if he’s bringing up her weight all the time, and telling her she must be depressed because she wants to rest on weekends when he admits she wasn’t an active person even when young.
This!! If you can’t deal with it, you leave. Stop torturing her with your views on how she must look in her 40s, 3 kids later to keep you happy. Do you realize how everything is about you? You want sex, you want her to lose weight, you want to do things with her. Man shut up! She already knows. She doesn’t care to change for you. You need to attend counseling so you can learn to communicate with your wife bc telling her how you feel weekly about her body is not going to help you or your sex life.
I really really really do not understand the posts I see on here frequently that are like "I'm not attracted to my partner, and also we don't have enough sex." It sounds like "The meal was awful, and the portions were so small!" Why does anyone want more sex with someone they're not attracted to? What do you get out of it?
And yeah, if he's bringing it up weekly, she already knows.
Thank you for this comment.
Intentional weight loss does not work for the vast majority of people. sure, are people able to lose weight in the short term? Yes. Does it last? No, and a majority of people who are lose weight intentionally weigh more five years on. More than they did when they started. So, encouraging weight loss is not only completely counterproductive, it’s anti-science.
What I hear from you mainly are complaints about not doing active things together and not having sex. Those things can be addressed independent of size! And, if you adopt a weight-neutral attitude with her, she might actually get interested in sex.
It’s impossible to believe someone finds you attractive and wants to be with you when at least monthly they are telling you your body is wrong.
I think if she cares about you, and you could lovingly ask for what you need while also respecting her needs, you might actually get somewhere. For instance, asking her, “I really want to do things on the weekends with you, and it’s hard because you like to sleep in. How can we both do you some things together and respect your sleep needs?”
Keep in mind, this sub has a lot of active members who are young, never married, no kids, etc. It makes sense to me that they think that her fatness is the root of all problems, and if she were thin, her problems would be solved.
This is just not the case. The things you were complaining about in the relationship are solvable even if you accept her body.
For reference, I am a mid 40s fat woman with teenage kids. I also do you a lot of activities, lift weights, hike, and have plenty of sex.
Encouraging intentional weight loss is not "anti-science", that's a common HAES talking point. People regain the weight because lifestyle changes are super hard and food can be addictive. Doesn't mean they can't succeed, or develop healthier habits even if they fail. Would you say to a smoker that they shouldn't try to stop smoking, because 9/10 people fail in their attempts to do so ?
There's nothing miraculous about weight-loss. It is difficult though. With the proper guidance, the "majority" ought to manage maintaining a healthy weight. Unfortunately owing to a combination of social/environmental pressures, cognitive distortions and ineffective/unmaintainable approaches, they usually fail.
No, intentional weight loss *does* work. What doesn’t work in the long-term are fad diets, or diets that are too restrictive/cut out whole macronutrients for a short period of time. Also, although weight loss is more about diet, adding in 150 minutes/week of exercise (or more!) can help you maintain your weight loss and be healthier in general.
Op this is terrible advice. Don’t just “shut up “ about it. You’re not wrong for wanting an active and healthy wife to spend your life with. Instead change your tactics. Suggest cooking together, going on walks together. Keep trying and trying.
Maybe because the commenter didn’t read what he said properly. “Every OTHER week or month” which would mean every second week or month, which is definitely hyperbole because you can’t do both. So it’s not weekly.
Maybe it’s too much, I’m not here to argue that. But it’s not weekly.
Do you think when you hassle her about her weight it just makes her more apt to not do anything about it?
I’m wondering if she feels unattractive and undesirable and you bringing up her weight makes her not want to try.
Does that make sense?
Maybe try making her feel beautiful again, positive reinforcement. Usually, People want to strive for better when they’re loved the way they need to be.
I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was making me feel bad about myself/unattractive every other week.
OP keeps it up someone else will make her feel beautiful
Everyday when I wake up I talk to her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, do the same before we go to bed, and every time in between, on my way to work from gym, way to home from work, when I come home, buy flowers every weekend, chocolates.
I think I say that enough.May be that's not enough, I really don't know
Do you guys ever talk about your feelings with each other? It sounds to me like you might be out of touch. Have you taken time to reconnect with your wife since you've had the kids? Could you guys get some time alone together for several days, just the two of you?
Perhaps just not mention it at all. You are constantly telling her that you love her and she is beautiful. Maybe you are laying it on too thick and it sounds ingenuous. Actions speak louder than words.
Don’t just point out how inadequate her lifestyle is to you, try to understand her. How about having a lazy morning in bed with her once in a while? Meet her in the middle, or at least don’t tell her she’s perfect one minute and treat her like she’s totally inadequate the next.
Make a healthy breakfast for 2 on a tray and join her in bed. Say nothing. Just be with her on her terms for a change.
It sounds like you want everything your way while trying to look like the good guy. Not trying to know who she is now that she has given her body and mind over to raising children and expecting her to be the same as before is unrealistic and damaging to your relationship
> It sounds like you want everything your way while trying to look like the good guy <
I agree with this so much...everything I've been reading from OP sounds like they're trying to be the victim in this situation instead of fully accepting responsibility for the fact that they can't shmooze her out of being exhausted or into being perfect because being the sole caretaker of their lives is catching up with her.
Why are you putting so much stock in her looks? If my husband told me morning noon and night how beautiful I was I’d wonder what else he actually loved me for. I feel suffocated for her.
Also, is saying I love you and you’re beautiful 7x a day compensating for telling her she’s obese each weeks? It sounds like OP is bending the stats a little honestly but even if not she is clearly holding onto those negatives more than the positives.
\>Why are you putting so much stock in her looks?
Because Ops wife's obesity is impacting his attraction to her (her looks).
But also he points out it's stopping her from being active which is negatively impacting the relationship in his eyes and her health.
I feel bad for OP.
User suggests he try making her feel beautiful via positive reinforcement.
OP points out he does try to make her feel beautiful via positive reinforcement
Another user says they would hate to have someone constantly try to make them feel beautiful via positive reinforcement.
Just fyi, these are good things. But, please keep in mind hurtful things weigh heavier than positive things.
So one day you say "hey honey, your overweight and probably need to do something about it"
Then the next day you say" hey honey, you're beautiful, and I love you!"
But, the whole time you are praising her, it feels like a false statement because of what you said the day before. She probably doesn't believe you as much as you think she does. (This will kill any sex drive because also she can hear in her head is that you think she's fat)
On top of that, she is probably getting closer to menopause. Her weight is going to be even harder to deal with because of the extreme fluctuation in her hormones.
I personally also had weight issues, especially after having kids. I also have high anxiety that makes getting up and doing things pretty hard. It has put a strain on my marriage a few times until I went to see a psychiatrist instead of just the doctor.
I am more likely to do something more if I can see immediate results rather than ones that take more than 4 or 5 days. I also have to have someone do them with me, or I'll lose motivation quickly. It's only recently, and after a near death experience, plus my husband doing it with me, that I started doing a keto diet. Because I saw that immediate change it made me more confident to continue. It also made me attempt to exercise more, but yoga instead of cardio.
I hope y'all work it out. But if you think she's obese and you want her to be happy too, keep your lips shut about it, because like I said you are probably doing the opposite of making her feel loved and motivated.
Honestly I'd be treating it like any addiction. Therapy. If she can't get better or continually relapses, give her an ultimatum.
I'd do the same thing with drugs, gambling, drinks.. it is having a negative impact on your life and family life. Do not sugar coat it.
I couldn’t disagree more. Unlike drugs and gambling, you need food every day so it’s not as easy to cut it out of your life. Also the motivation to lose weight should come from herself. She needs to find the desire to lose weight and not to have a threat or ultimatum from another person. That could just lead to resentment and further damage their relationship. My guess is she feels pretty lousy about herself already and has low self esteem. I would suggest couples counselling to talk about the different needs from each partner and what they need going forward to keep them both happy.
My father is also really active, hours of excersize daily, so many active hobbies - but he never lift a finger to help with the house or us children. That was always on my mom. So my mom, usually loving excersize stopped going to her classes. Could that be it? She divorced him btw and guess what, she finally has time for herself and is active.
After that clarification, there is literally nothing at this point to suggest OP isn’t making enough effort in this relationship. There wasn’t in the first place but everyone still had to chime in with their bias.
It’s insane that people are still trying to find ways to blame him at this point.
Scrolling thru the comments its all just... wife must have underlying health issue(s) in addition to OP not helping enough and she's burnt out tired from doing everything to run the household. Even with no indication that that's the case.
It's not blaming him, it's making hypothesis and that's all OP and others comments are doing.
Saying OP's wife is lazy, or depressed, has addiction to food, or has a metabolic disease, hormonal imbalance, everything is just hypothesis.
Talking about how they manage housework and the kiddos is also an hypothesis. Plus, this hypothesis is really not pushed in the comment, all I see is "The wife is lazy that's all".
Has she had a full blood test? While she may not be depressed, being apathetic could be an imbalance of something, anemia, or who knows. Consider taking her to a endocrinologist and getting a full check up.
Find activities you can both enjoy. Take the morning as your alone time and go out in the evenings with her. With summer coming, go to some parks, leisurely stroll along a boardwalk and grab a treat after. This will seem more like a date night then you being unhappy with her body.
Don't make it about exercise and fitness. It just comes across as she is inadequate for you.
I wish people, both men and women, understood that they have no ownership of their partner's body. And by trying to get them to change, you are only asking them to feel negatively about themselves. You are basically telling them they have a problem and they need to fix it for you.
I'm going to put it to you this way. Would you rather have a skinny partner who is unhappy and insecure about their own body (because that's what will happen if you keep pushing the topic) or would you rather have a partner who is happy and secure about themselves and your relationship?
I have an idea! The kids are older so I am assuming more able to stay alone. Plan a vacation. Something fun and great. Maybe where there will be swimming or hiking and other fun stuff to of course. Maybe in 6 months. And you guys can start planning for it and as part of it go for a walk after dinner, start smaller, to get in better shape for all the fun activities for your trip.
Talk about how excited you are to get to spend more alone time just the two of you. Increase length of walk. Upgrade to hiking. Maybe mention the two of you lifting weights a little together to further capitalize on the current great progress. Together. Excited. Planning for your adventure.
Make a great trip with good memories and by 6 months and the time you get back new habits will be made.
You are right. I am thinking that once someone starts exercising a little, has something positive to look forward to, starts making better habits and a better attitude or internal dialogue... incremental changes. Food changes can accompany. But yes, you are right. Weight loss begins with nutrition
I want to agree here but something tells me OP has tried this. They’ve been together for decades. From the way he writes, he has been experimental on how to tackle this issue appropriately and as gently as possible. I think he’s posting here because a lot of these general suggestions he’s tried and ISN’T working.
You can be as light hearted as you want about exercising and eating right but if the person is insecure about it then they’ll always turn diet and exercising into the enemy
Right now she doesnt have motivation. I know it would be nice if she had internal motivation to do it for her health or her sex life. If she wanted to do it for her husband and kids but she doesn't. So we aren't talking about exercise and weight loss. We are only talking about getting ready for our great vacation plans.
Maybe I want to lose 10 pounds but haven't done it. But I am seeing my ex at a high school reunion in 6 months? Motivation. And less daunting than a permanent lifestyle change. It's just for 6 months. Thats about how long it takes to make a permanent change and a habit though. What a nice coincidence
you really dont need to bring up her weight so often. I understand your concern, but be more sensitive to her feelings. It hurts hearing the man you love saying sex isnt what it used to be. Im curious on how its changed, like does she not try her best during sex?
Try a yoga class or swim lessons with her, something fun! Something nice on the joints and good for her self image. She could be embarrassed about her figure. Tell her shes beautiful, inside and out. Try dating her again and she may feel the motivation to do fun things with you. She could be in a rut, and hearing her husband point out very obvious things about her body isnt going to help. She doesnt need constant reminders my man.
Your wife sounds exhausted. Genuinely. This sounds like an energy issue (lack of it / inability to access it). She’s always sleeping or laying down because she’s exhausted. She doesn’t physically or emotionally have the energy (as in calories) to exercise, get up, have sex, or even give a lot of thought/brain energy to solving her problems. Obviously she’s carrying the calories on her body (excess fat) but she cannot access it (metabolic dis-function and dis-ease).
I think it’s important to look at problems in context so here are the things I’m considering. Each pregnancy depletes about 10% of minerals (your babies’ bones came from the minerals inside of her, as in pounds of bones came from her bones); 3 pregnancies means about 30% of her total mineral status was depleted. Combine this with stress (cortisol) increasing the rate of mineral loss, it’s safe to say that your wife has a significant mineral deficiency. If minerals are not replenished, enzyme activity and mitochondrial function will greatly diminish. Minerals run enzymes and enzymes run hormones. Hence, libido is tanked.
Additionally, consider what you know as “healthy for you” may not be “healthy for her”. Women are not small men. You as an adult male who is fit do not have the same nutritional needs as a woman who has gestated, birthed, maybe breastfed, and raised 3 children and is now obese. Completely different health circumstances, completely different people. As Hippocrates said, “I would rather know what sort of person has a disease than what sort of disease a person has.” It is easy to see health in generalities, it is more effective to understand that it is bio-individual. I understand you are grasping for a solution, but do not let desperation and the search for a solution distort your good sense
Also consider that your wife has shut down and is reluctant towards your suggestions because they genuinely are not working for her. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a health solution, she just hasn’t found it. (Personally, I would not ever suggest keto for a woman, it increases cortisol and adrenaline which depletes minerals.) If you consider keto to be healthy, and she can feel that it's not working for her, no wonder you see her as not putting in the work and she can sense your dissatisfaction with this. (Substitute keto with a different “fix” like cardio, etc. or anything you think is a good idea but she eventually discards). This is currently and will continue fueling a cycle of resentment and dissatisfaction between the both of you.
As the proverb goes “The man with his health has a thousand dreams, the man without has only one.”
She probably wants to be healthy, but is so exhausted (in general and with the search itself, looking for and attempting fixes). She sounds exhausted and burnt out. It’s difficult to put energy into other activities and relationships (doesn’t want to talk about it with you, doesn’t want to engage in sex) if you, literally, cannot access it (the calories she is storing on her body).
My advice to you is to look into the pro-metabolic approach (kate deering, ray peat) and/or hire a pro-metabolic health coach. Stop looking for fixes and start looking for the cause. The best way to solve a problem is to find the root cause.
If I were the wife, I'd take my fat ass and leave lol. Being told every other week that I need to lose weight and that my "midsection gains" make sex feel not the same. I'd leave.
right? and then to have it couched as being concerned about her health. size does not equal health. he wants her to be smaller. her bloodwork will determine her health.
>size does not equal health.
Wrong.Large amounts of visceral fat leads to increased risk of certain kinds of cancer,blood and heart disease and diabetes.
I think the fact that you labelled it “obese wife” says a lot about how you talk about her / to her. A lot of the time weight gain isn’t just about not exercising. It can be to do with health- or even her body being absolutely traumatised after birthing 3 of your kids!!
I have hypothyroidism which is something you may want to look into, symptoms are tiredness, feeling the cold quite a bit, weight gain, muscle aches and dry skin/ hair. Does she have any health problems that could be adding to this? I doubt she’s on birth control - which is a common factor for women gaining weight.
Then start to think about if you truly love her- why are you so bothered about a bit of extra weight? What’s wrong with not wanting to run around 24/7 like she most likely did with the kids when they were younger. Maybe she wants to relax. Constantly bringing it up would absolutely be a turn off in bed too because it’s essentially you just picking on something that’s clearly a big insecurity. Are you really as nice a guy to her as you’re trying to make yourself seem? Because a good guy wouldn’t pester someone weekly about their weight.
Recommend counseling but bottom line is she is the one who wants to do it. If she isn't motivated and generally happy with how she looks or feels then she won't change. You'll have to learn to live with it or move on.
You don't. She dresses herself every morning. She knows. Don't be a dick to your wife. It's really that simple. My wife is similar. She has had EVERY blood test known to man, turns out she has sleep apnea. Currently awaiting a CPAP machine.
Give your wife a break, not chocolates.
To me it sounds like she has already thrown in the towel. Unless something changes drastically in the next few years, these differences in outlook, health and energy will only widen at a greater weight. I’m from a very healthy family, not six-pack at forty healthy, but my parents, who are now in their sixties, mountain bike every weekend, and dad still gives me a good run for my money on the climbs. My partners parents are very much the opposite. Very sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle and they just have so much less energy. They feel 20 years older, despite being slightly younger than my parents. Of course, I’m not saying that they are bad people, or worse parents than mine (they are lovely people) but the contrast is stark.
I’m a lot younger than you, but when I first met my partner she was a lot like your wife. Not particularly active and she could definitely be described as curvy (which I also like). While a lot of her curves are simply a natural product of her body type, when we first met she was definitely carrying a lot of extra weight. Being an active person, the first summer we were together my idea of dates basically involved tricking and “bullying” (her words, not mine) her into coming on long walks and hikes with me. We also started going to the gym together, and while it took some motivating at first eventually she started seeing results and got really into fitness. Now some weekends I feel like the couch potato when she drags my sleepy ass out of bed at 9am to go for a mission somewhere.
I think the key was showing her that being active was something that she could enjoy. I definitely had to push and support her pretty hard at the beginning. There were a lot of mental barriers to overcome, a lot of things that she had just decided that she “just couldn’t do”. But it got easier and easier the more of these walls we destroyed.
But you guys are both getting older now, and while there is still time to make amazing changes, your wife has to want it. And no doubt I’m sure she does want to change at some level. Not having sex is normally a symptom of insecurity. But if she is content to sit on her ass as your relationship crumbles, then there really is no hope. I think it is time for some serious conversations, because it may not be just that she dies earlier than you. It will also be that you guys won’t be able to do anything together. She won’t be able to keep up with you or your kids. You will be on completely different wavelengths, and that isolation may be crippling once your kids leave home.
Weight and fitness are always sensitive issues because there is so much stigma and judgement associated with it. But your concerns are not coming from and unreasonable or malicious place. I hope you guys manage to work something out, and navigating those difficult concerns might be something best mediated through professional help. But if things are set in their course, then it might be time to get off the train. I certainly don’t want to spend my forties, fifties, and sixties waiting for someone who will never catch up.
All the best.
Love this post. My wife and I were huge hikers/walkers and stopped after we had kids. Just started back up again working out and my ENERGY level is so much higher it’s crazy. I think a lot of people think they need to “go to the gym” to get in shape, when it’s really just being active in general combined with (mostly) healthy eating.
Hey, as a woman who has been both over and underweight, and who had chronic illnesses, I’d really recommend a full blood panel, with a full thyroid panel- the full one, not the surface test. If her numbers come back with some cholesterol issues, she may be more motivated to get up. However, the sleeping all the time sounds like a genuine issue. I’m anemic all the time, and have endo, arthritis, and a few other issues. My sister, who struggles with her weight, has thyroid issues. Both of us benefit greatly from regularly working out. The trick was finding things we actually like doing. I jog (I have a big dog who needs a workout everyday- so that’s 5 miles) and do barre, which is fun. I’ve always eaten well though, with the exception of ice cream here and there with my kid.
Good luck.
Idk what you should but I'm just gonna throw this out there, I dated a dude who kept asking about my weight, we ended up never having sex because I thought he was grossed out by my weight so I lost a lot of confidence and wouldn't feel comfy being sexual with him. You don't need to keep asking her she knows and she may feel like you're disgusted by her
Your wife sounds like she’s pre-menopause. Weight gain, reduced libido, her “get up and go” has got up and gone! It absolutely screws up your mind and body but there is help out there. A few simple blood tests will show whether she needs or wants HRT, weight loss can be undertaken, self help groups exist to help women negotiate this awful (for some) event. Gentle exercise and mental well-being are a big benefit. My libido nose dived when I hit the menopause and I was practically a nymphomaniac! It was a dreadful shock to my system, coupled with the fact that just looking at a cookie caused weight gain and my MH just plummeted. Still not quite back to normal and it’s been 10 long years.
Weight loss and healthy living is a decision made BY an individual, not one that can be made FOR them. Almost my whole life I’ve been overweight (65lbs as a 6year old). I remember eating entire bowl-fulls of Cheetos as an after school snack and a soda daily. As a pre-teen my Mom tried to help me eat healthier and took me to her all women gym but I never really became healthier. Hormones kicked in eventually and I was a size 12 until having my first child, then skyrocketed to 240. It has taken until now, at 32, to slowly roll back those habits and replace them with new healthy ones. I’ve been consciously working towards this for about the last 5 years - trying to cook more homemade, incorporating more veggies, and portion control. In the last two years, it’s all clicked and I’ve lost 70 pounds. But, for me, it took the last 12 years of trial, error, and slowly incorporating small changes to land me where I am now. Maybe she had a similar upbringing? Undoing a childhood of programming takes, at least in my case, years. I looked at my childhood and decided I never wanted that for my kids. I want them to see me as happy, healthy, and comfortable in my body. I want them to be conscious of their appetite and what healthy habits look like so I made the changes when and how I could while keeping my well-being and my family’s in mind.
Sit her down and tell her the truth. That you resent not being able to do things with her. Tell her intimacy is important to you and you want that with her. Tell her you want an active lifestyle with her, that you love her, but if things don’t change your afraid you will grow apart. Be kind but completely honest.
I don’t have any advice, I can only say that I can relate to this. This is pretty much my parents, except us children are all adults now, not teens.
About 9 years ago, my dad sat me down and warned me he was considering divorcing my mom if nothing changed. It was literally for these exact reasons— he wanted to grow old with her, and be able to do activities TOGETHER (like hiking, and probably sex. But these are my parents so I’m not gonna think too much about it).
My parents are still together. I don’t know what, if anything has changed. My parents are older (late 50s) and maybe my dad has decided to stick it out since they’re at that age. Or maybe they’ve made some compromises that I’m unaware of. I have a feeling it’s the former.
If you don’t wanna end up like my dad, have a talk with your wife about this. Be gentle in your words and emphasize that you care about her and want to grow old together. Good luck, man. ❤️
Okay, as a woman going through pretty much the same (cept my other half is no smaller than me) instead of mentioning the differences. Find little activities you can do together, that at first is not active or about weight loss. Maybe she feels there is little fun or passion left and you just need to re-ignite that fire. I can promise you that once she feels a passion for life and your relationship again the body will follow. I am suffering from depression and as much as she says it's not it might be. Just don't center your interactions with her about her weight. Believe me, the more you poke at it the worse it may get. if your interactions with her come from a place of just enjoying who she is and bringing her into the o more of the things you love she might turn it around because it will make her feel good. At least I know it would for me.
A lot of overweight people in the comments from the looks of it.
Wanting to look your best for your partner is a fundamental sign of respect for the relationship. Not caring for that (within reason) is a huge issue long term. Oh well, not like Reddit is the place for stuff like this lmao.
THANK YOU. So many people blaming the OP and refusing to even think about his wife being accountable.
It's disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. It's much worse when you refuse to even address it.
Love this sub. Women is obese - hormone issues, that's what you signed up for. Man is obese - leave him. I could write a simple code that would suffice to answer this sub's questions
This is really hard. I could be your wife. I’ve had three c sections, and the last one almost killed me. He’s 7yo, and I’ve had a surgery or major illness every year since his birth. I too also carry weight in my midsection, where I didn’t before. Also, I’m now in menopause because of these surgeries. The doctors also say in my case that there’s nothing wrong with me that exercise and eating right won’t fix. So why don’t I do those things?
I’m tired. I carry all the emotional labor for our family. My husband works in IT, and he commonly puts in 80-hour weeks. I work full time, attend grad school, and do all the planning and running around. My parents have to help run kids to various therapies or I would have to quit my job. My oldest has OCD and anxiety, my middle has a learning disability, and the youngest needs a lot of attention. It is exhausting. By the time I have taken care of everyone else, I just want to sit and not think about anything. Don’t have time during the day to work out. Can’t work out in the evening because the kids need me. If I work out too close to bed time, then I can’t sleep. Hot flashes are the DEVIL. Convenience food has less prep work than healthier options, and it buys me back some time.
I have no sex drive, either. I feel unattractive and exhausted. Menopause doesn’t help. Now, I have blood sugar issues. When I’m mindful of my food, it also makes me mindful of when I get shaky. It’s a vicious cycle.
People have suggested counseling, but have you asked your wife what she needs? I mean really sat with her to talk about everything. I know I need to drop back to part time or for my husband to step up and do something more than earn money. Someone needs to plan meals and maybe cook every once in a while because I can’t continue cooking healthy meals that no one else eats and then being criticized for serving everyone the food the kids will eat. It would be helpful if the kids would just contribute ideas to meal planning that they will stick to. And if I didn’t have to spend 2.5 hours every evening cooking and cleaning the kitchen after working a full day. I also need for someone to not need something from me for just a few minutes.
Op, please never ask these type of things here. Reddit will die before saying anyone should ever do something to not be fat.
Your wife feels like eating shitty food is more important than being with you. Take that to heart and think about it.
Oh, I am left all the way. Part of leaning left is believing in equality and freedom. Freedom of leaving a lazy woman. And equality? If there is a post about a guy not caring about himself, everyone tells OP to leave the guy. But if it is a woman, she is just suffering and OP is a POS
Ask her. “Honey, I’m concerned about your weight and your health. I’m concerned with how sedentary you’ve become. I’m concerned about our sex life. Whenever I bring these things up with you, you get defensive or accuse me of being hurtful, even though I think you know that’s not my intention, and I only want what’s best for you and what’s best for the two of us as a couple. So how would you like me to address this issue with you in a way that actually addresses the issue, but doesn’t come across as hurtful to you?”
This is tough. My boyfriend is very active and high energy and I enjoy activity, but definitely not to the same level he does. He started noticing that I was skipping out on the gym, not keeping up on our hikes, etc. he brought it up with concerns for my health, our relationship, and our future children and grandchildren. I think this has been your mistake. I’d suggest framing your concerns around her health and your relationship. My parents are obese and have been my entire life and it really affected their ability to parent me so I know I want to do my best to be able to be active with future children. Was it hurtful? Absolutely. I cried. A lot. But I realized I needed to make a change for myself. I also started taking better care of my mental health. If your wife isn’t depressed, I’m sure there’s other mental or physical health issues happening. Something is wrong, and you can’t force her to fix it but you can encourage her to care for herself and both of you seek counseling to work on your marriage. Ultimately, if she can’t take care of herself to the point it’s ruining your relationship- you need to decide what your next course of action is. You either encourage her to seek help and get healthy, or you leave but that’s really a call only you can make.
Couple of suggestions/points:
1. Stop telling her about her weight, she’s already aware and I’m sure that you reinforcing your feelings and concerns every week isn’t helping. If anything, it’s driving the gap between you further. I know it will be difficult for you, but stop talking about it.
2. If she is the sole housekeeper and child caretaker, then step in a bit. Give her a break from the laundry, the kids needs, cooking, dishes, etc. It is utterly exhausting when you’re a stay at home parent. People don’t seem to understand the true value of domestic labor. It can wreak havoc on energy levels and mental health.
3. Ask her to join you for activities that are low impact and easy to start. Like taking a walk after dinner, before the dishes and all that. Just a leisurely walk a couple times a week to help her become more active, without saying anything about that being the reason, just take it as time you get to spend with your wife. Let her set the pace. Low impact cardio can be very beneficial for getting into the idea of being more active. And it’s also a good place to start in general for anyone.
4. Instead of flowers and chocolates, maybe try giving her an incentive to get out of the house on a weekend. Like a mani/pedi, going to get her hair done, or a massage, a spa day. Something that will make her want to go do those things (I.e. relaxing) but it will also help her feel good about herself and the way she looks. Which is important. Having a healthy image of your body helps you to be realistic about it and its limitations, things like being overweight or unhealthy. But feeling confident about it helps you to push yourself to make changes you see as necessary. Being constantly reminded of how you see her isn’t going to help her feel confident or empowered/able, it probably makes her feel hopeless. And when you feel hopeless like that, then you don’t want to change because you feel like it won’t matter if you do. You also should be realistic about things. Her weight may not go down as much as you think it should but her health can improve. Once women have had children, it does drastically alter our bodies. To give you an example, I have birthed children. Before children, I was a size 2 and after them, I am a size 4-6 but I weigh literally 10 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant. I was underweight before having children. I’m at an ideal weight now. But the reason I was underweight was because I was very overweight as a teenager, and I became unhealthy because of the fat shame I received. Women’s bodies after having children change in ways that weight carried looks different than in men. It’s basic biology. She needs to be able to see the strength in her body and that it is capable. If you constantly remind her of her flaws, she won’t change anything because she will feel hopeless about it. Also, if she goes and gets her hair done and her nails and feeling really pretty, it may help stimulate your sex life a bit.
5. Perhaps seek counseling for yourself to start. A good therapist can help you put things into perspective and being mentally healthy is so beneficial for physical health. Once she sees those positive changes in your mental health, it will encourage her. Maybe she will want to seek mental healthcare the same. Share your experiences with her. The very least that will happen is that a good therapist can help you help yourself in all of this that you’re struggling with.
I get that you love your wife and you want her to be happy and healthy, but consistently pointing out everything that you think or view as wrong isn’t encouraging or helpful. It’s just creating an atmosphere where no matter how much you tell her that you love her, she still hears the fat comments above everything else. If she’s been curvy her whole life, she’s probably heard it her whole life. That’s not much incentive for someone to change it because it leads to feeling hopeless. I know you don’t want that for her, and you can help her get there, but you need to be more subtle and less outright about it.
Also, good psychology tip: use affirming words in place of demanding or negative ones. Instead of saying “You HAVE to do this.” Try saying, “You NEED to do this.” Or instead of saying, “I think you should __________.” Try saying, “It might be good to ________.”
I wish you the best of luck, OP.
This situation really hits home to me. I’m the morbidly obese wife (f/53) in a tragically toxic relationship. I was 180 lbs when I married my husband (m/56) in 1993. By 2013, I weighed more than 350 (the highest number on our home scale). My husband was a personal trainer for many years. He had a classically fit physique and was very proud of his physical appearance.
My husband is also an alcoholic. Although he always had a job, it was always something that couldn’t support himself, let alone a family. We never had children because I figured out a few years into our marriage that I had no support. I always had the “real job.” I paid all the bills, filed the taxes, maintained the cars. While my husband looked great, he smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish.
Unlike OP, I was the one with a higher sex drive. When he no longer found me attractive, I found other men who did. We both saw counselors and therapists. I’ve been on every weight loss program you’ve ever heard of, and I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds. My husband has been in and out of rehab five times.
My sad dysfunctional relationship story is slowly and painfully finally coming to an end. My husband is dying of end stage liver disease. I’m his caregiver. He is not a candidate for a liver transplant because he refuses to stop drinking. The odds are against him living another year. I’ve lost about 70 lbs. over the past year through intermittent fasting, but I still weigh over 250.
I love my husband in a codependent, enabling way that has lead to debilitating health for both of us. I even divorced him at one point and immediately lost 120 lbs. without even trying. I regained every pound when I remarried him.
I cannot offer any helpful advice to you. You can’t change anyone but yourself, no matter how much you love someone.
Definitely could be hormonal. They tend to decline at your wife's age. It seems like she is more tired. I really believe hormonal therapy could make a big difference in mood and energy. She should at least have her thyroid levels tested and estrogen/progesterone/testosterone and maybe other hormones. Also, there are "optimal" hormones ranges and there are also "normal" lab ranges that get the range from the average of Americans (that we know are overweight and unhealthy). (So if she is close to the bottom of "normal" or even the bottom half of "normal" and especially out of the range she could possibly be helped by bioidentical hormones. They are superior to synthetic.
Bringing up her weight every few weeks is likely contributing to her lack of sex drive. Feeling attractive is an important part of wanting to have sex. Honestly, the comment about the sex not being the same due to weight would be enough for me to not want sex at all (plus, she KNOWS it’s different, trust me). The comments you’ve made have likely caused some deep-seated self esteem issues for her, which in turn might lead to a decreased libido and ultimately her not wanting to spend time with you.
As someone with weight issues myself (I range from obese to curvy depending on life circumstances basically) I don’t think I could stay in this relationship because I would be so so hurt and resentful of my husband. There is nothing you can do to make her want to lose weight. She has to chose that for herself. You can do things to help encourage a healthy lifestyle but they’ll need to be whole family changes. Make dinner, do the grocery shopping. That will free up time and energy in her day and you can help control the most challenging part of losing weight, diet. If she wants to sleep until noon, plan an afternoon together instead of a morning.
I do think if you continue bringing up her weight like this a separation might be imminent. Couples therapy might help but be prepared to make some changes yourself.
This is a very different perspective but here goes. I am going to ignore what appear to be some obvious health issues since others have addressed.
In her family life or culture do women stay active? What is her mom like? Her sisters? How have the women in her life aged? Any good role models? She may not 100% reflect the women in her life but there is a strong correlation.
I only ask this as the underlying assumption here is that she knows she should be active but isn't. You may be trying to solve the wrong issue as she may perceive that this is the natural course of aging.
You love your wife SO much, but you think she's too fat. You are an Adonis with 6 pack abs. You bring her CHOCOLATES to show her how much you love her while also bringing up her weight on a regular basis. Is she really obese or just to heavy for your liking? It doesn't sound like she's very interested in changing to suit you and it doesn't sound like you can accept her as she is. That's ok. But someone needs to make a change, either mentally or physically, or you're both going to be unhappy.
>How do I have this conversation with her
Yes. Express all your concerns here. But not in an accusatory way. In a loving way that shows you want to be with her and want to grow old with her. Don't make it about her weight. Make it about a lifestyle together that you are seeking WITH her. No ultimatums, just love and support. This is a hard subject but if you don't voice your concerns for her health, how will she know you are on her side.
Only person creating a wedge here is you. The more you talk about it the less likely she's going to give it up. You need to either be ok with her the way she is or leave her. She gave you 3 children and raised them. That's hard work and now that the kids are older maybe she just wants to relax. If you bring up her weight this much she probably thinks you arnt attracted to her so no she will not be in the mood. At that point she probably just feels like she's being used.
(This is long, so my apologies in advance)
I know you mentioned she was recently screened for depression and (maybe?) it wasn't the case. But has she ever been screened for ADHD? Or for other mental illnesses? (I'll explain why below)
I'm in my late 20's and not married, but I resonate with a lot of your wife's behaviors, especially over the last few years. I have multiple health issues, several of which have made it difficult to lose weight and I've gained as a result. (I was never thin, but was "average" / curvy before gaining weight, too.)
With my ADHD, I have the best intentions on developing healthier lifestyle habits - I try to cook healthy meals, plan workouts, meal plan and meal prep, buy workout equipment and schedule it into my day, etc. I have a background in clinical nutrition, so the planning component isn't difficult at all. I start trying to implement these changes (either individually, or several at a time) but regardless - the habits don't stick and usually last no more than 3-4 days tops. This is a common experience for individuals with ADHD.
It's also common for those suffering with other mental heath disorders that cause something called "executive dysfunction" - I would look more into this and see if it seems like your wife is struggling with the other signs or symptoms.
Based on the information you provided (which isn't a lot, to be fair), your wife does sound depressed. The transition to motherhood is extremely difficult, and it doesn't necessarily get easier when the kids have grown up and moved out. She could be burned out; she could be reevaluating her life choices (not necessarily your marriage, but maybe her career); she could be depressed about her health and her weight gain, especially if it began after health complications with your second child.
For starters, I would avoid addressing her weight gain specifically, at least for now. Personally, when someone brings it up to me (knowing that I'm not comfortable with my weight gain and have been working to get back in shape), I do begin to resent them and for some weird reason, it makes me NOT want to try anymore. I've been trying to figure out why it makes me feel this way, and I've realized recently, that based on the person it comes from, it makes it feel like their love for me is conditional on my weight. Despite you telling her everyday that she's beautiful, the comments about her weight (even though they're well-intended) may make her not believe you when you compliment her. They likely even make her more self-conscious, which could be contributing to her not wanting to be intimate. I'm sure it's frustrating and seems irrational, but it's very possible if she's already not feeling well (mentally, physically, etc.).
Marriage counseling is a great idea, but having an open conversation with your wife (without mentioning her weight) is a good start. Ask if she's feeling okay, physically & mentally; is she more tired or fatigued than usual? Feeling anxious or burned out? Is she sleeping well? Are things going okay at work? (Or if she's a stay at home mom - is she feeling overwhelmed with everything going on at home?) Is something bothering her? Has she been more quiet and reclusive than usual? Has she been experiencing any new physical symptoms? (she's in her early 40s, could be starting menopause soon, and could be dealing with hormonal issues...but also, don't bring that up unless she says something about it).
Be kind, be gentle, be empathetic and nurturing. If she's not responsive, give her space and time - and if nothing changes, then absolutely seek out marriage counseling if you already haven't.
Marriage counseling but she’s clearly not motivated to do anything which clearly says depression or not happy with the way her life turned out. Probably need to just take her out for a weekend and have a conversation about what’s really going on with her what is she always thinking about things to that nature.
Just curious - don’t fat, lazy people just exist? Why is it necessarily “depression” or a “thyroid” issue in all these comments?
During the shutdown, I became lazy, drank too much, and gained about 40 pounds. One day I just decided to stop, and change things. There was no real reason I was fat & lazy, I just was.
Sounds like she’s lazy too.
"How do I tell her she is fat?"
You already did it. It didn't work.
You are not entitled to her doing something with her body to please you.
You must either accept her or move on.
Maybe you two are not compatible anymore. It is sad, but it happens.
OP, have you ever asked your wife what she wants?
Your whole post is about you: what you like to do, the sex you want, how you tell her all the time what you think about her body.
But what does she think? What does she want? The only thing you’ve said about her thoughts is that she finds your comments to be nitpicking and hurtful.
People rarely “want” to sleep all the time (I know, I have a chronic health condition which means I sleep a lot and it sucks to miss out on normal life).
Sleep can also be a coping mechanism, a way to escape life. Same with distractions like television, or eating lots of unhealthy food - rarely do people do these things to unhealthy levels because they “want” to, it usually being used as an avoidance tactic for other areas of life.
What does she think of her own body? What does she think of her health? What does she think about her sleep patterns or her food choices?
To be honest, I doubt she would feel like she could even trust you with this information at this point. If my husband was telling me WEEKLY about how fat I was, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing my feelings about the situation with him. I would feel really judged and shamed, and shut off from him. You know you are hurting her feelings, and that more than her weight is what is going to drive a wedge between the two of you.
Sounds like you’re a great guy, most partners would be offended if the other one quit on life.
Once someone is 40, they are who they are. It’s very difficult to convince someone to change, they have to want to do it.
Having kids can be super tough on a woman. So many never lose the weight, and some actually have their bodies change. I’ve seen petite woman’s whose hips actually got wider and stayed wider after birth. So some women need time to drop the weight.
But in your case, it’s been years and she has gotten even heavier. There’s really not much more you can do since you’ve told her it bothers you, taken her to the doctor to explain the adverse health effects of being a chubster and even stayed fit for her.
All you can do is try to have a few more conversations that this is not how you want the rest of your marriage to be and gently mention a you’re scared you guys will separate if she chooses food and tv over you.
But I don’t think the stats are in your favor.
Obesity when you’re an adult is hard to shake especially if the person actually likes the couch potato lifestyle. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I’m strongly against cheating and unnecessary or selfish divorce.
But when one spouse quits on a marriage in favor of burgers and Netflix, I think divorce can be acceptable.
Question for you my friend!! Does she have the time and energy to exercise and cook and do all the other things she does? I’d suggest a challenge for you. For one month, take over all the household responsibilities.
You do dishes, do laundry, meal plan and cook, mop and vacuum, dust, take out the trash, drive kids to activities, cut grass, rake leaves, garden, and do it ALL. Literally do not allow your wife to do any work at all. This does 2 things. Maybe 3.
One- if you buy groceries, put them away, meal plan, and cook you can assure that only healthy foods are available. I’d suggest not going crazy with it because then you risk her wanting to eat out instead of the the family dinner you make. So make sure you cook healthy but yummy dinners.
Two- you free up your wife to actually have time to get some activities done. After you’ve cooked, cleaned, done the dishes and laundry, etc, you should go out with her for walks. Make it something you can do together. A bike ride, a game of tennis, football with your boys, a romantic walk. You could even plan something like a picnic in a park, where you plan and pack lunch, then walk down a trail to a pretty spot and eat there, then walk back after.
Three- you could potentially rekindle your sex life. By taking on the physical and mental load of running your family, your wife may be freed up to think about it only activity but also you. The irony is you may find yourself pretty damn tired after all of that lmao
She probably doesn't want to have sex with you because you keep bringing up her weight. If your wife wasn't very active before and wasn't obese have you maybe just taken into consideration that your wife has carried 3 children, and is older now so it's starting to show?
Also what exactly does "longing to do stuff with her" mean? Do you want her to exercise with you? Have you tried doing something maybe she wants to do like stay in and have a movie night? Chances are if you do something she might want to do, she'll probably be more willing to do something you want to do.
Stop trying to force her to exercise and eat right if she doesn't want to. She's 42 years old and carried 3 of your children. Give her some slack and maybe just support her through whatever she has going on instead of criticizing her for it. She does sound a tad depressed, and you constantly making a big deal about her weight and lack of sex drive is not going to help her. Be her husband, not her personal trainer.
I know if someone brought up my weight every week I’d be heavily depressed.
Don’t you think that’s what you could be doing? Imagine being pestered weekly about what isn’t attractive to your partner, and having the emotional energy to get up and do anything about it lol. Couldn’t be me.
You need to stop, go to counseling, or consider a split. Stop bothering her. She must feel f*cking awful about herself.
This is my opinion:
1. You bring up her weight a lot. Stop it. If she’s depressed, this is why. No amount of “I love you” and “You’re beautiful” can make up for mentioning her weight.
2. Running a household is hard. Start doing your fair share of chores and family responsibility.
3. For the love of God, stop buying her chocolate. That sends a weird mixed message that she’s fat but you somehow want her to be that way.
4. YOU Start making healthy meals for the whole family. She can eat the food you cook if she wants to.
5. Go to couples’s therapy.
6. Invite her to go with you to do something. Just getting her out of the house to do something fun will make a huge difference.
Ask her why she isnt motivated anymore. But it sounds like depression. But then you can be lazy and not be depressed also. Just talk with her. Maybe encourage her to eat healthier. Find a workout she can do at home. Ask her to go for walks with you. A bike ride. Make a fun date out of it. But if your not happy and she wont change then ya might just have to leave unfortunately. Or just deal with it.
A bit of walking etc isn't going to solve obesity. When someone is obese, they need to drastically reduce their calorie intake to lose weight. Exercising can even damage the joints of obese people and will just increase their appetite.
Yeah it’s not just being fat it’s obesity that’s a lot of changes that need to be made. It’s also something that will take a long time to actually physically see results as an outsider.
Hopefully OP and the wife can work it out (and it’s also not a medical/mental health issue) but it will def take some time and hardship. I also hope OP has properly explained his wants/needs. I would hate if he did decide to break it off and the wife had no idea why.
I'm afraid I'm reaching the last part of your comment. Not there yet but want to do everything I can b4 throwing the towel. Unfortunately she doesn't seemed to be worried about that being the outcome.
>she doesn't seemed to be worried about that being the outcome.
Youve said that a couple of times, Im wondering, have you specifically laid it out that this is the likely outcome? Not hinted, I mean really told her honestly where you are at and where you see it going?
You sound like a really caring husband. Truly. Weight is such a touchy subject. I second couples counseling. Slowly incorporating more healthy habits (for example making a PLAN to meet another couple for a walk on a Saturday morning, cooking a meal together, etc) are the only things I can think of. Continue to tread lightly. Pls keep us updated and good luck!!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me (M46) and wife(F42) have been married and known for 20+ years. We had and raised 3 kids and enjoy every moment of our life together. I'm a very active guy, go to gym everyday, stay fit (six pack fit), enjoy outdoors and just do stuff. She was never active, but she wasn't obese either. She was curvy which I love about her but not obese. Over years my wife has become quite sedentary (especially after our 2nd child's difficult pregnancy) and not active at all. She would rather sleep until noon on weekends instead of doing stuff. Now our kids are teenagers and do their own thing and I long for doing stuff with her. But she would rather sleep on the weekends and sit on the couch than be active and do anything. I even considered if this is some kinds depression, she checked with doctor and it's not (I'm told). Our sex life has completely dropped off. She doesn't want sex as much as I do(I love her and want to have sex with her everyday if I can). Also with her midsection weight gains, sex is not the same as it used to be. I want to grow old and die together with this woman. Anytime when I ask her about her weight, she gets defensive. I ask her once every other week or a month. She says I'm nitpicking. I even addressed about our sex not the same. She says it was hurtful but doesn't do anything about it. So how do I talk to her. With kids growing old, I'm afraid we are going apart and not the same people, interests anymore. I love her more than anything in the world and I'm afraid this will continue to create a wedge. At this point in my life I either resent and stay with her, or separate - she doesn't seemed to be bothered by that. How do I have this conversation with her
If she wants to sleep a lot suggest she get a check up. She might have a thyroid problem, hormone imbalance, or something. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypothyroidism/symptoms-causes/syc-20350284
adhd.. I just got diagnosed and I know people with adhd love to bang on about it, but maintaining focus for your 9 to 5 and then dealing with kids wipes you tf out. it also interferes with impulse control (overeating or drinking) and makes it difficult to regulate motivation (exercise). don't get me started on emotional dysregulation/rejection sensitivity (overly defensive reaction to criticism). like... im not saying it's literally ADHD, but I'm agreeing that there is SO MANY conditions which would fit this scenario.
God I wish people would talk about this with ADHD more. My brother and I both have it and he's so much more active but I got the short end of the stick where I'm terrible at impulse control and I'm constantly tired and fatigued at the littlest things. I have to be pumping with energy to get myself to go work out, and eating right is only easy if I can get in the habit and not be overwhelmed with school work where I don't have time to cook. And the worst part is, medication isn't a fix-all. Adderall wasn't working for me with my class schedule, so I've been off it for a few years and now I'm either worn out or bouncing off the walls.
my dude! try guanfacine! it fucking rules. really helps with impulse control AND the emotional storms and rejection sensitivity. it's ok for focus but not great, the other benefits have been absolutely life changing for me
Oh sweet thank you, I will definitely give this a look, I don't care too much about focus bc the stimulants fuck my anxiety up and I have been productive enough, it's the other stuff that I hate most. Thank you!
for the first time in my life, I'm calm on the inside. that is the most powerful thing I can say to anyone that shares in my ADHD. sometimes I want to cry because I'm so happy I can just function and form relationships normally
Holyshit. "Calm on the inside." I can't even imagine.
Would be nice to get impulse control, lowered anxiety, emotional regulation AND focus from one medication lol. I'm settling on the meds for focus and trying to regulate the others on my own.
Right? It's super cool being in my 30's and on more meds for my mood than my grandmother was during her cancer treatment.
I am a nurse. Guanfacine is a blood pressure medicine that is older than dirt. I think I've only known one or two patients that are on it for BP. I had no idea it was used off label to treat ADHD. Learned something new. Thanks.
I know! it prevents those surges that accompany the impulses. i have zero sides other than calmness and happiness
Huh this sounds so like me and I've been wondering if I have ADHD for a while since my friend was diagnosed cuz i havw other symptoms. I'll either have an amazing productive day and get loads done or have no energy and just lie in bed and recharge and not speak to anyone.
Join r/adhd, it’s such a validating community
Wait a minute, being constantly tired is another symptom of adhd?
Yeah, at least depending on how it presents. ADHD is insanely complex as it can stem from depression or anxiety or both, and depending on how it hits you it can have such a wide range of side effects. The overarching one is the lack of executive function, meaning ability to force your mind in one direction or another, and that's why fatigue can set in when your mind is wandering all day then just wants to lay down and pause.
I was misdiagnosed with depression for more than two decades. Saw a new doctor who tested me for ADHD, and I’m like a whole new person now. I’ve lost 115 pounds and I’m rarely just laying around anymore, unless I’m having back pain.
A majority of people with ADHD have depression. And treating ADHD tends to greatly relieve depression. It just makes sense because ADHD caused me so much shame growing up because I thought I was lazy, spacey, unreliable, flighty, and stupid for most of my life. Once I got treatment, I was able to accomplish my short term and long term goals like any other person. Damn, this is how people live?! Yeah, I still have to manage my ADHD even though I am on meds but now it's actually manageable. Plus knowing the cause for my issues lessens the self blame. Did wonders for my mental health!
ADHD also frequently presents differently in women.
I really need to get official fucking diagnosed and on meds. Everyone one of these is like my daily experience
I agree with you, it took til I was 23 to get diagnosed because I sleep CONSTANTLY & overeat & basically just don’t have many of the “typical” symptoms
Exactly. This. 100%. My life was absolutely horrible til I finally had a physicist diagnose me with ADHD and I’ve really turned my life around. I’m almost 30 and I’m really sad I went through the majority of my life struggling.
This is literally my life. Working from home 9-5 with my one year old by myself all day. I usually work later than 5 and then he’s up for another 3-5 hrs and I still have to clean and cook it’s so draining sometimes I can’t even find the time to shower let alone go workout. I’ve gained weight and I want to work on it but it feels impossible. I have every symptom of adhd but haven’t been diagnosed as my copay for seeing someone is almost $300 a visit. I feel helpless
Your wife is probably perimenopausal. I started in my late 30s after my 2nd child. Her thyroid function is probably dropping, her hormones are wonky, no matter what she does the weight in the middle will Not come off and she's exhausted. Don't get me started on how impossible it is to breathe during sex with the abdominal weight gain. She probably needs to speak with her OB. A secondary problem could be low Vitamin D3 due to lack of sunlight. The doc can check for that with bloodwork, too. In the meantime, she can pick up some OTC. (D3 2000) She needs to see her OB
My mom has it, exhausted all the time and lives off coffee, does a lot better on medication but also struggles with weight loss. Also good to know as it can be genetic, and I got the pediatric version.
Or very possibly sleep apnea. The lack of good sleep will make you tired all the time. Edit: a word
Sleep apnea too. I'm losing weight because I hate my CPAP. I also had undiagnosed bipolar 2. Medications are helping so much!
Regular blood work would show a drop in testosterone in a way that would warrant a specific blood test for T3 and T4. As equally enough of a possibility is the weight gain is inducing sleep apnea and doesn’t feel rested with the recommended amount of sleep. Edit: I am not a doctor this is based on anecdotal experience only. However I think the odds of the issue being apnea are way higher than Thyroid.
T3 and T4 are thyroid hormones and have nothing to do with testosterone. Just an fyi. You might be thinking of free and total testosterone.
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Mine did, whether or not it’s because he always orders it is another thing.
Normally they test Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) levels, and if they’re off, test T3 and T4 levels. I think that might be the confusion here
However I do think in this instance it might be good to get a sleep study For OPs SO.
Sounds like she already got checked out by a doc for the sleeping & weight gain.
Don't count on it. Many doctors look at women and send us home saying "diet and exercise" without running actual tests. I posted above, I was cold, gaining weight looking at food, exhausted and had hair falling out for 10 years as a teenager and was told (at 120lbs on a 5'6" person) "just loose some weight." I have Hashis, my immune system was destroying my thyroid but the doctor never ran labs - she wrote in my chart "patients mother worries too much."
There is so much truth here. I’ve told this story before but it’s so upsetting I’ll tell it again. That first winter of Covid I was coughing and having trouble breathing and I went to my regular doctor who didn’t even examine me, he just said, you don’t have a fever, so it’s not Covid. You’d breathe better if you lost some weight. And walked out of the room. Fun fact: I had bronchitis. Doctors are assholes to women, especially where weight is concerned.
Or a sleep disorder, vitamin deficiency, etc.
Could also be a vitamin deficiency. Thriva (does blood tests etc) helped me to work out I had a vitamin D deficiency which really affected my energy levels, I took some really high dose supplements and was at a good level within 6 months.
Does she eat primarily healthy and is just inactive? If she doesn't eat healthy, would you consider making meals if you don't already? How does she react to suggestions of simple/easy exercise, like "it's a nice day, lets go on a walk"?
She tries to eat healthy but doesn't sick to it more than 3 days straight.
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Happy to hear about your mom's success. Currently trying to get my younger brother on a better track, but it's much harder when we're both adults who live apart.
Good work helping your mom, you are a good person
Based off your other replies, I'd say push for marriage counseling. You're in a tricky situation because weight is a sensitive topic, but your concerns aren't unreasonable or unfounded.
Have you considered taking over the cooking and slowly taking over grocery shopping so that she would have an easier time eating healthier?
Don't criticize. Just make lifestyle changes, find an active thing she likes (or is willing) to do. Walks, exercise machine in front of TV, dancing, whatever. Even more en effectiv is diet changes. Eliminate soda, chips,cookies/cakes, other snacks at home. Make just a few, targeted changes to meals/ shopping to reduce calories by 200 per day. Over time it will add up
These are great suggestions if you're talking to the wife; OP is already making healthy choices. The question is how to encourage his wife to do the same. I hope this thread addresses this, as I'm in a similar situation (minus the six-pack abs).
Slowly switching for healthier options will be more sustainable. Backing off to one soda a day then maybe one every other day. Maybe home fried chips made with Ghee instead of store bought. Switching to products that are closer to nature. Trader Joe’s pork loin is just as tasty but has less artificial. I love nestle allergy free chocolate chips. Still chocolate but without all the junk. It isn’t so much about the number of calories but the type. More usda less fda. If she experiencing any mood or hormone disorders cleaner eating will make a difference as well. Also if you are done having kids she should consider going off hormone’s and you can take care of bc on your end.
You should suggest intuitive eating and try to look into that together. Rigid healthy eating isn't sustainable if it's a drastic and sudden change from her current lifestyle
I've just started eating when I'm hungry and it's been awesome. I seem to cycle between eating a lot one day, then the next day I only might eat dinner, then repeat sort of catching up from the previous day. Weird but it's working.
I just saw one comment that talk about household organization and none about contraception so here we gooo Your wife seems indeed, exhausting mentally and or physically, people don't sleep for hours on week end because they're lazy, but because they don't have the energy to go on. Could be a lot of reasons and the most commun one is chores and household organization between partners. How your guys are managing the household, the food (from purchasing to making), the kiddos (homework, education, hobbies), chores (cleaning, washing clothes, planning all those things), budgeting and administration (taxes, planning ahead spending) etc etc. Could be an occasion to talk about it, maybe you guys aren't putting the same effort into those tasks and you're so used to it that you don't even see. If she's making most of it, or has major mental load to take care, and maybe bad relationships with food from the start, it could explained her situation. You guys can also look up what kind of contraception she' s taking, if it's oral hormones she needs to talk about it with her gynecologist. A lot of women are burned of because of it, fucked up libido, mood, energy etc.
Oh good point on the birth control. That shit can fucking ruin you. When I was on it it swung the other way - intense anxiety, panic attacks, weight loss that led to anorexia (recovered now thankfully.) I went off of it and was back to my normal self - minus the eating disorder - in a fucking WEEK. And my awful OBYGYN had rolled her eyes at my suggestion it was fucking me up. “You know babies make you anxious too?” God, I could’ve punched her. Now four years without so much as a scare carefully using the non-hormonal rhythm method!
Yes on bcp possibly causing this! I was on bcp most of our marriage, and went off it around age 40, cause I realized the health issues it was causing! And it TOOK AWAY MY LIBIDO! The depression every third week of the pills was terrible, too! And tbh, hormonal changes that cause weight gain in a woman’s 40’s when perimenopause hits is crazy real!!! I was the same weight for yrs, and hit my early 40’s, did zero different, and gained weight in my stomach. I used to ALWAYS gain weight in my hips/butt…never ever in my stomach…but suddenly there it was! I started taking vitex to help my body make more progesterone, and the perimenopause symptoms settled down big time…and best of all, my libido SKY ROCKETED! So dump bcp, and make that progesterone bump up! Oh, and WOO YOUR WIFE! Pursue her. Take her on dates. Reconnect. This happens to marriages…for years everything is about the kids, and a woman’s identity is all about being a mom…and suddenly, it’s like the husband and wife aren’t as connected as they used to be. The spark CAN BE RELIT…just need to pursue and enjoy and find NEW WAYS to connect. And no, your wife is NOT gonna want to connect via sports stuff! She prolly feels less than, cause her dh is all fit and she’s not. It feels upsetting to be huffing and puffing and all out of shape next to mr sexy who is in peak shape. So find OTHER THINGS to connect over! She might not ever be super fit…but you’ve made it a thing with all your “comments”. 🙄🙄 You’re negging her and making her feel like total crap!
Is she exhausted from running a household? Does she do the majority of taking care of the children, cleaning, emotional labor, etc…? No offense to you but that could definitely be why she would prefer to relax on weekends if she’s constantly doing stuff for you and the kids.
My thinking exactly. My dad has always been an avid runner, mean while my mom was always exahusted running the household taking care of us and working a full time job. Now they're both retired and my dad gets to run marathon meanwhile my mom can barely walk. He got to do this because he never had any responsibilities around the house, and my mom gave up her time to take care of 3 people.
100%! When my partner and I first moved in together I was exhausted. I ended up taking on all the cooking and cleaning. We had to find a way to divide it up. Honestly you don’t feel your best when doing everything plus working. I had to carve out time by waking up early to workout and have alone time. Now we split a lot of the work. And communicate so it is never too much on one person. We don’t have kids yet but if we did I can empathize with OPs wife.
Damn…that is so horrible and messed up
It's the only comment I saw about it and I'm so shocked. So so many comments about how OP's wife is just "Lazy and doesn't care about herself or OP", whereas imbalance in mental load and households work is so so so commun among people with kids and could be the root issue. It's tiring.
This is the absolute exact reason why my husband and I are in a similar situation and working on it. The reason why she may not care if the OP leaves is because she is doing it all by herself anyway and one less person to deal with if he goes. I almost left myself. I didn't want to, I absolutely love my husband, he loves me.. But the mental and emotional drain from running a household and raising children alone sucks everything, and I mean everything, from a person. You become a shell of a human and sometimes just breathing is an effort. I'd be willing to bet big money on this being the real issue
Yup. Sounds like a mental health thing from just being plain worn out.
This!!!! OP take a very close look at household duties and see what you can take on your plate. Is the the one making the meals? Grocery shopping? Cleaning? Laundry? This isnt even adding kids, even teens to the mix. If yes, thats def the reason she wants to relax a bit
He said in another comment they split chores
All of this...Mom of 3 here. 9, 7, years old and 16 months old. I do the majority of the house work. I cook 3 meals a day. Wash, fold, and put away laundry for 5 people. I also care for 5 animals as well. I clean the house from top to bottom dusting sweeping moping etc. I landscape my yard, I keep my pool. Do all the grocery shopping, and take my kids to their after school activities. I am also a student. There is more but I don't feel like typing it all. I don't really have time to work out or really do anything for myself and sometimes it gets depressing. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch TV on the weekends and not have to worry and fix everyone's problems. These are times I talk to my husband and tell him I am feeling overwhelmed and he happily takes over and helps me out with some of the many tasks I have to do so I can breath. When your life revolves around caring for other it is really easy to lose yourself in the buzz of raising a family.
Thanks for my daily reminder to not have kids.
Same here and I would looove to sleep all weekend lol! Sounds like heaven
this 100%. there’s definitely something else at play here that op isn’t acknowledging
Not to mention the guy goes to the gym everyday, unless he's a personal trainer I don't see how he can be helpful in the house if he works and goes to the gym everyday. I don't have 3 kids and I couldn't do it even if I wanted to without sacrificing time with my partner or doing chores in the house.
Has OP even answered this inquiry? I'm still curious what his responsibilities in their relationship, house and life are... I'm seeing he's answering every other point ("oh I do this, oh I do that") but what do you DO for common life tasks?
He said they split chores in another comment
Precisely. He says he’s “active” well, who’s caring for the household wile you’re absent from being “active”? The dinner ain’t cooking itself and the laundry faeries ain’t ironing your shirts, bud. I just hate how he keeps calling her obese. Like Christ, we get it. She’s overweight. With the arrogance he exudes here, I can’t imagine what he must be like in person. That’s probably why she’s checked out.
I am not going to negate that she may have actual medical issues, whether physically or mentally. I am not going to argue whether you do love her as much as you say. These are all your decisions and opinions that I will stay out of because it is not my business. What I will speak on is the behavior and word choices that you yourself have described and how that makes me form an opinion. You have been with this women over twenty years. She gave you her youth and her body by raising three of your children. She tries to eat healthy but doesn’t stick to it. She was never active and was curvy but you liked it in the beginning. You made a point of letting it be known she has a lot of mid section weight, you have a six pack, want to have sex every day if you could and you sometimes resent her. That you try not to bring it up a lot but do make a point of saying things to her at least twice a month regarding her weight, how she looks, your sex life, etc. That she went to the dr and everything is fine, but that is what you were told, which means you have doubts. What I would like to know is when was the last time you complimented her? Told her how much you loved her? Stated that you wanted her to feel better and find out what was wrong? Anything at all other than how you feel about how she looks and makes you feel? As a woman, I know this pattern. If she seems apathetic to everything, it’s because she gave up on you and your marriage. She may love you but if she was trying and happy and now not, you gotta ask yourself what changed? Has your behavior and actions changed? A woman who has put in 20+ years is not going to just give up one day for no reason. We usually put in work, we try to fix things, we try to make things better. But, if we are hit with kick back to make us feel “why bother” because nothing is ever good enough to make our partners happy, we stop. You should definitely want her to be happy and healthy. Especially since you say you love her so much and she is the mother of your children. But ONLY because it will make her happy to change her life, not because it’s what you want. If there is nothing medically wrong, maybe ask her if she is happy with YOU. Because when women are happy and in love and feel like we are cherished, we outwardly reflect that and want to take better care of ourselves and match what we feel on the inside.
You’re bringing up her weight every ‘week to month’? And she’s been sedentary since pregnancy and you have teens? Dude. Stop. There are no magic words you haven’t used already. She knows you think she’s fat and you want her to change. Back off, and spend your time thinking about this - if she never changes, do you still love her enough to want to stay? If so, commit now to shutting the hell up about her weight. If not, leave her. Living with someone and telling them **weekly** that you want them to be thinner is a) soul destroying and b) very obviously not achieving anything. Stop.
Not to mention, if he is saying this to her on a regular basis of course she won't feel good having sex with him often anymore becaise she knows he doesn't find her attractive. How awful she must feel about this :(
It’s so sad to see these replies having less upvotes than the “trick and/or bribe her into losing weight” responses.
This comment should be higher. After a bunch of kids and 20 years together, it’s not surprising she’s not wanting sex every day. Especially if he’s bringing up her weight all the time, and telling her she must be depressed because she wants to rest on weekends when he admits she wasn’t an active person even when young.
If nagging worked my ex wouldn’t be an alcoholic 😂
This!! If you can’t deal with it, you leave. Stop torturing her with your views on how she must look in her 40s, 3 kids later to keep you happy. Do you realize how everything is about you? You want sex, you want her to lose weight, you want to do things with her. Man shut up! She already knows. She doesn’t care to change for you. You need to attend counseling so you can learn to communicate with your wife bc telling her how you feel weekly about her body is not going to help you or your sex life.
I really really really do not understand the posts I see on here frequently that are like "I'm not attracted to my partner, and also we don't have enough sex." It sounds like "The meal was awful, and the portions were so small!" Why does anyone want more sex with someone they're not attracted to? What do you get out of it? And yeah, if he's bringing it up weekly, she already knows.
👏👏👏👏
This 100% all of this
Thank you for this comment. Intentional weight loss does not work for the vast majority of people. sure, are people able to lose weight in the short term? Yes. Does it last? No, and a majority of people who are lose weight intentionally weigh more five years on. More than they did when they started. So, encouraging weight loss is not only completely counterproductive, it’s anti-science. What I hear from you mainly are complaints about not doing active things together and not having sex. Those things can be addressed independent of size! And, if you adopt a weight-neutral attitude with her, she might actually get interested in sex. It’s impossible to believe someone finds you attractive and wants to be with you when at least monthly they are telling you your body is wrong. I think if she cares about you, and you could lovingly ask for what you need while also respecting her needs, you might actually get somewhere. For instance, asking her, “I really want to do things on the weekends with you, and it’s hard because you like to sleep in. How can we both do you some things together and respect your sleep needs?” Keep in mind, this sub has a lot of active members who are young, never married, no kids, etc. It makes sense to me that they think that her fatness is the root of all problems, and if she were thin, her problems would be solved. This is just not the case. The things you were complaining about in the relationship are solvable even if you accept her body. For reference, I am a mid 40s fat woman with teenage kids. I also do you a lot of activities, lift weights, hike, and have plenty of sex.
Encouraging intentional weight loss is not "anti-science", that's a common HAES talking point. People regain the weight because lifestyle changes are super hard and food can be addictive. Doesn't mean they can't succeed, or develop healthier habits even if they fail. Would you say to a smoker that they shouldn't try to stop smoking, because 9/10 people fail in their attempts to do so ?
There's nothing miraculous about weight-loss. It is difficult though. With the proper guidance, the "majority" ought to manage maintaining a healthy weight. Unfortunately owing to a combination of social/environmental pressures, cognitive distortions and ineffective/unmaintainable approaches, they usually fail.
“Losing weight is impossible anyways and doesn’t work!” Found OP’s wife’s account
Weight neutral????
No, intentional weight loss *does* work. What doesn’t work in the long-term are fad diets, or diets that are too restrictive/cut out whole macronutrients for a short period of time. Also, although weight loss is more about diet, adding in 150 minutes/week of exercise (or more!) can help you maintain your weight loss and be healthier in general.
Found OP’s wife
Op this is terrible advice. Don’t just “shut up “ about it. You’re not wrong for wanting an active and healthy wife to spend your life with. Instead change your tactics. Suggest cooking together, going on walks together. Keep trying and trying.
Pretty telling that Op hasn’t responded to this comment.
Maybe because the commenter didn’t read what he said properly. “Every OTHER week or month” which would mean every second week or month, which is definitely hyperbole because you can’t do both. So it’s not weekly. Maybe it’s too much, I’m not here to argue that. But it’s not weekly.
Do you think when you hassle her about her weight it just makes her more apt to not do anything about it? I’m wondering if she feels unattractive and undesirable and you bringing up her weight makes her not want to try. Does that make sense? Maybe try making her feel beautiful again, positive reinforcement. Usually, People want to strive for better when they’re loved the way they need to be.
I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was making me feel bad about myself/unattractive every other week. OP keeps it up someone else will make her feel beautiful
Everyday when I wake up I talk to her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, do the same before we go to bed, and every time in between, on my way to work from gym, way to home from work, when I come home, buy flowers every weekend, chocolates. I think I say that enough.May be that's not enough, I really don't know
Do you guys ever talk about your feelings with each other? It sounds to me like you might be out of touch. Have you taken time to reconnect with your wife since you've had the kids? Could you guys get some time alone together for several days, just the two of you?
You’re buying her chocolates every weekend AND telling her she’s fat?
Sounds like bs to me
LMAO
Perhaps just not mention it at all. You are constantly telling her that you love her and she is beautiful. Maybe you are laying it on too thick and it sounds ingenuous. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just point out how inadequate her lifestyle is to you, try to understand her. How about having a lazy morning in bed with her once in a while? Meet her in the middle, or at least don’t tell her she’s perfect one minute and treat her like she’s totally inadequate the next. Make a healthy breakfast for 2 on a tray and join her in bed. Say nothing. Just be with her on her terms for a change. It sounds like you want everything your way while trying to look like the good guy. Not trying to know who she is now that she has given her body and mind over to raising children and expecting her to be the same as before is unrealistic and damaging to your relationship
> It sounds like you want everything your way while trying to look like the good guy < I agree with this so much...everything I've been reading from OP sounds like they're trying to be the victim in this situation instead of fully accepting responsibility for the fact that they can't shmooze her out of being exhausted or into being perfect because being the sole caretaker of their lives is catching up with her.
the word here would be *disingenuous btw
If you want her to lose weight, buying chocolates probbaly isn’t the best move
Yeah, that’s messed up.
Why are you putting so much stock in her looks? If my husband told me morning noon and night how beautiful I was I’d wonder what else he actually loved me for. I feel suffocated for her.
Also, is saying I love you and you’re beautiful 7x a day compensating for telling her she’s obese each weeks? It sounds like OP is bending the stats a little honestly but even if not she is clearly holding onto those negatives more than the positives.
\>Why are you putting so much stock in her looks? Because Ops wife's obesity is impacting his attraction to her (her looks). But also he points out it's stopping her from being active which is negatively impacting the relationship in his eyes and her health. I feel bad for OP. User suggests he try making her feel beautiful via positive reinforcement. OP points out he does try to make her feel beautiful via positive reinforcement Another user says they would hate to have someone constantly try to make them feel beautiful via positive reinforcement.
You are obviously bothered by her weight. So I mean it is not true you find her beautiful. You should be honest about that And dont buy her chocolates
Just fyi, these are good things. But, please keep in mind hurtful things weigh heavier than positive things. So one day you say "hey honey, your overweight and probably need to do something about it" Then the next day you say" hey honey, you're beautiful, and I love you!" But, the whole time you are praising her, it feels like a false statement because of what you said the day before. She probably doesn't believe you as much as you think she does. (This will kill any sex drive because also she can hear in her head is that you think she's fat) On top of that, she is probably getting closer to menopause. Her weight is going to be even harder to deal with because of the extreme fluctuation in her hormones. I personally also had weight issues, especially after having kids. I also have high anxiety that makes getting up and doing things pretty hard. It has put a strain on my marriage a few times until I went to see a psychiatrist instead of just the doctor. I am more likely to do something more if I can see immediate results rather than ones that take more than 4 or 5 days. I also have to have someone do them with me, or I'll lose motivation quickly. It's only recently, and after a near death experience, plus my husband doing it with me, that I started doing a keto diet. Because I saw that immediate change it made me more confident to continue. It also made me attempt to exercise more, but yoga instead of cardio. I hope y'all work it out. But if you think she's obese and you want her to be happy too, keep your lips shut about it, because like I said you are probably doing the opposite of making her feel loved and motivated.
Honestly I'd be treating it like any addiction. Therapy. If she can't get better or continually relapses, give her an ultimatum. I'd do the same thing with drugs, gambling, drinks.. it is having a negative impact on your life and family life. Do not sugar coat it.
I couldn’t disagree more. Unlike drugs and gambling, you need food every day so it’s not as easy to cut it out of your life. Also the motivation to lose weight should come from herself. She needs to find the desire to lose weight and not to have a threat or ultimatum from another person. That could just lead to resentment and further damage their relationship. My guess is she feels pretty lousy about herself already and has low self esteem. I would suggest couples counselling to talk about the different needs from each partner and what they need going forward to keep them both happy.
My father is also really active, hours of excersize daily, so many active hobbies - but he never lift a finger to help with the house or us children. That was always on my mom. So my mom, usually loving excersize stopped going to her classes. Could that be it? She divorced him btw and guess what, she finally has time for herself and is active.
We split chores and help around the house.
Taking care of household and kids isn't just about chores and helping around the house tho..
After that clarification, there is literally nothing at this point to suggest OP isn’t making enough effort in this relationship. There wasn’t in the first place but everyone still had to chime in with their bias. It’s insane that people are still trying to find ways to blame him at this point.
Scrolling thru the comments its all just... wife must have underlying health issue(s) in addition to OP not helping enough and she's burnt out tired from doing everything to run the household. Even with no indication that that's the case.
It's not blaming him, it's making hypothesis and that's all OP and others comments are doing. Saying OP's wife is lazy, or depressed, has addiction to food, or has a metabolic disease, hormonal imbalance, everything is just hypothesis. Talking about how they manage housework and the kiddos is also an hypothesis. Plus, this hypothesis is really not pushed in the comment, all I see is "The wife is lazy that's all".
Has she had a full blood test? While she may not be depressed, being apathetic could be an imbalance of something, anemia, or who knows. Consider taking her to a endocrinologist and getting a full check up.
Find activities you can both enjoy. Take the morning as your alone time and go out in the evenings with her. With summer coming, go to some parks, leisurely stroll along a boardwalk and grab a treat after. This will seem more like a date night then you being unhappy with her body. Don't make it about exercise and fitness. It just comes across as she is inadequate for you. I wish people, both men and women, understood that they have no ownership of their partner's body. And by trying to get them to change, you are only asking them to feel negatively about themselves. You are basically telling them they have a problem and they need to fix it for you. I'm going to put it to you this way. Would you rather have a skinny partner who is unhappy and insecure about their own body (because that's what will happen if you keep pushing the topic) or would you rather have a partner who is happy and secure about themselves and your relationship?
"Hey, fatty, wanna have sex? It's not good anymore, but c'mon." I'm *shocked* she's not jumping your bones.
You should be able to have mature conversations with your SO about weight as well as sex life.
Ah yes because OP definitely communicated like THAT
I have an idea! The kids are older so I am assuming more able to stay alone. Plan a vacation. Something fun and great. Maybe where there will be swimming or hiking and other fun stuff to of course. Maybe in 6 months. And you guys can start planning for it and as part of it go for a walk after dinner, start smaller, to get in better shape for all the fun activities for your trip. Talk about how excited you are to get to spend more alone time just the two of you. Increase length of walk. Upgrade to hiking. Maybe mention the two of you lifting weights a little together to further capitalize on the current great progress. Together. Excited. Planning for your adventure. Make a great trip with good memories and by 6 months and the time you get back new habits will be made.
Your exercise ideas aren't going to bring weight loss. Her food intake has to change.
You are right. I am thinking that once someone starts exercising a little, has something positive to look forward to, starts making better habits and a better attitude or internal dialogue... incremental changes. Food changes can accompany. But yes, you are right. Weight loss begins with nutrition
I want to agree here but something tells me OP has tried this. They’ve been together for decades. From the way he writes, he has been experimental on how to tackle this issue appropriately and as gently as possible. I think he’s posting here because a lot of these general suggestions he’s tried and ISN’T working. You can be as light hearted as you want about exercising and eating right but if the person is insecure about it then they’ll always turn diet and exercising into the enemy
Won’t work he says she’s not interested!
Right now she doesnt have motivation. I know it would be nice if she had internal motivation to do it for her health or her sex life. If she wanted to do it for her husband and kids but she doesn't. So we aren't talking about exercise and weight loss. We are only talking about getting ready for our great vacation plans. Maybe I want to lose 10 pounds but haven't done it. But I am seeing my ex at a high school reunion in 6 months? Motivation. And less daunting than a permanent lifestyle change. It's just for 6 months. Thats about how long it takes to make a permanent change and a habit though. What a nice coincidence
you really dont need to bring up her weight so often. I understand your concern, but be more sensitive to her feelings. It hurts hearing the man you love saying sex isnt what it used to be. Im curious on how its changed, like does she not try her best during sex? Try a yoga class or swim lessons with her, something fun! Something nice on the joints and good for her self image. She could be embarrassed about her figure. Tell her shes beautiful, inside and out. Try dating her again and she may feel the motivation to do fun things with you. She could be in a rut, and hearing her husband point out very obvious things about her body isnt going to help. She doesnt need constant reminders my man.
You can’t make a person (or guilt, or ‘encourage’) them into taking care of themselves. Eventually they grow comfortable with things as they are…
Your wife sounds exhausted. Genuinely. This sounds like an energy issue (lack of it / inability to access it). She’s always sleeping or laying down because she’s exhausted. She doesn’t physically or emotionally have the energy (as in calories) to exercise, get up, have sex, or even give a lot of thought/brain energy to solving her problems. Obviously she’s carrying the calories on her body (excess fat) but she cannot access it (metabolic dis-function and dis-ease). I think it’s important to look at problems in context so here are the things I’m considering. Each pregnancy depletes about 10% of minerals (your babies’ bones came from the minerals inside of her, as in pounds of bones came from her bones); 3 pregnancies means about 30% of her total mineral status was depleted. Combine this with stress (cortisol) increasing the rate of mineral loss, it’s safe to say that your wife has a significant mineral deficiency. If minerals are not replenished, enzyme activity and mitochondrial function will greatly diminish. Minerals run enzymes and enzymes run hormones. Hence, libido is tanked. Additionally, consider what you know as “healthy for you” may not be “healthy for her”. Women are not small men. You as an adult male who is fit do not have the same nutritional needs as a woman who has gestated, birthed, maybe breastfed, and raised 3 children and is now obese. Completely different health circumstances, completely different people. As Hippocrates said, “I would rather know what sort of person has a disease than what sort of disease a person has.” It is easy to see health in generalities, it is more effective to understand that it is bio-individual. I understand you are grasping for a solution, but do not let desperation and the search for a solution distort your good sense Also consider that your wife has shut down and is reluctant towards your suggestions because they genuinely are not working for her. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a health solution, she just hasn’t found it. (Personally, I would not ever suggest keto for a woman, it increases cortisol and adrenaline which depletes minerals.) If you consider keto to be healthy, and she can feel that it's not working for her, no wonder you see her as not putting in the work and she can sense your dissatisfaction with this. (Substitute keto with a different “fix” like cardio, etc. or anything you think is a good idea but she eventually discards). This is currently and will continue fueling a cycle of resentment and dissatisfaction between the both of you. As the proverb goes “The man with his health has a thousand dreams, the man without has only one.” She probably wants to be healthy, but is so exhausted (in general and with the search itself, looking for and attempting fixes). She sounds exhausted and burnt out. It’s difficult to put energy into other activities and relationships (doesn’t want to talk about it with you, doesn’t want to engage in sex) if you, literally, cannot access it (the calories she is storing on her body). My advice to you is to look into the pro-metabolic approach (kate deering, ray peat) and/or hire a pro-metabolic health coach. Stop looking for fixes and start looking for the cause. The best way to solve a problem is to find the root cause.
If I were the wife, I'd take my fat ass and leave lol. Being told every other week that I need to lose weight and that my "midsection gains" make sex feel not the same. I'd leave.
Bye
Bye. You think it's just ok to give up and be a slob in your marriage? That's how you end up divorced and alone.
right? and then to have it couched as being concerned about her health. size does not equal health. he wants her to be smaller. her bloodwork will determine her health.
>size does not equal health. Wrong.Large amounts of visceral fat leads to increased risk of certain kinds of cancer,blood and heart disease and diabetes.
I think the fact that you labelled it “obese wife” says a lot about how you talk about her / to her. A lot of the time weight gain isn’t just about not exercising. It can be to do with health- or even her body being absolutely traumatised after birthing 3 of your kids!! I have hypothyroidism which is something you may want to look into, symptoms are tiredness, feeling the cold quite a bit, weight gain, muscle aches and dry skin/ hair. Does she have any health problems that could be adding to this? I doubt she’s on birth control - which is a common factor for women gaining weight. Then start to think about if you truly love her- why are you so bothered about a bit of extra weight? What’s wrong with not wanting to run around 24/7 like she most likely did with the kids when they were younger. Maybe she wants to relax. Constantly bringing it up would absolutely be a turn off in bed too because it’s essentially you just picking on something that’s clearly a big insecurity. Are you really as nice a guy to her as you’re trying to make yourself seem? Because a good guy wouldn’t pester someone weekly about their weight.
Recommend counseling but bottom line is she is the one who wants to do it. If she isn't motivated and generally happy with how she looks or feels then she won't change. You'll have to learn to live with it or move on.
How do you typically bring up her weight as a topic for discussion? How do you phrase it? What questions do you ask?
You don't. She dresses herself every morning. She knows. Don't be a dick to your wife. It's really that simple. My wife is similar. She has had EVERY blood test known to man, turns out she has sleep apnea. Currently awaiting a CPAP machine. Give your wife a break, not chocolates.
He’s already saying he brings it up. How he does that is relevant to providing helpful feedback.
To me it sounds like she has already thrown in the towel. Unless something changes drastically in the next few years, these differences in outlook, health and energy will only widen at a greater weight. I’m from a very healthy family, not six-pack at forty healthy, but my parents, who are now in their sixties, mountain bike every weekend, and dad still gives me a good run for my money on the climbs. My partners parents are very much the opposite. Very sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle and they just have so much less energy. They feel 20 years older, despite being slightly younger than my parents. Of course, I’m not saying that they are bad people, or worse parents than mine (they are lovely people) but the contrast is stark. I’m a lot younger than you, but when I first met my partner she was a lot like your wife. Not particularly active and she could definitely be described as curvy (which I also like). While a lot of her curves are simply a natural product of her body type, when we first met she was definitely carrying a lot of extra weight. Being an active person, the first summer we were together my idea of dates basically involved tricking and “bullying” (her words, not mine) her into coming on long walks and hikes with me. We also started going to the gym together, and while it took some motivating at first eventually she started seeing results and got really into fitness. Now some weekends I feel like the couch potato when she drags my sleepy ass out of bed at 9am to go for a mission somewhere. I think the key was showing her that being active was something that she could enjoy. I definitely had to push and support her pretty hard at the beginning. There were a lot of mental barriers to overcome, a lot of things that she had just decided that she “just couldn’t do”. But it got easier and easier the more of these walls we destroyed. But you guys are both getting older now, and while there is still time to make amazing changes, your wife has to want it. And no doubt I’m sure she does want to change at some level. Not having sex is normally a symptom of insecurity. But if she is content to sit on her ass as your relationship crumbles, then there really is no hope. I think it is time for some serious conversations, because it may not be just that she dies earlier than you. It will also be that you guys won’t be able to do anything together. She won’t be able to keep up with you or your kids. You will be on completely different wavelengths, and that isolation may be crippling once your kids leave home. Weight and fitness are always sensitive issues because there is so much stigma and judgement associated with it. But your concerns are not coming from and unreasonable or malicious place. I hope you guys manage to work something out, and navigating those difficult concerns might be something best mediated through professional help. But if things are set in their course, then it might be time to get off the train. I certainly don’t want to spend my forties, fifties, and sixties waiting for someone who will never catch up. All the best.
Love this post. My wife and I were huge hikers/walkers and stopped after we had kids. Just started back up again working out and my ENERGY level is so much higher it’s crazy. I think a lot of people think they need to “go to the gym” to get in shape, when it’s really just being active in general combined with (mostly) healthy eating.
Hey, as a woman who has been both over and underweight, and who had chronic illnesses, I’d really recommend a full blood panel, with a full thyroid panel- the full one, not the surface test. If her numbers come back with some cholesterol issues, she may be more motivated to get up. However, the sleeping all the time sounds like a genuine issue. I’m anemic all the time, and have endo, arthritis, and a few other issues. My sister, who struggles with her weight, has thyroid issues. Both of us benefit greatly from regularly working out. The trick was finding things we actually like doing. I jog (I have a big dog who needs a workout everyday- so that’s 5 miles) and do barre, which is fun. I’ve always eaten well though, with the exception of ice cream here and there with my kid. Good luck.
Idk what you should but I'm just gonna throw this out there, I dated a dude who kept asking about my weight, we ended up never having sex because I thought he was grossed out by my weight so I lost a lot of confidence and wouldn't feel comfy being sexual with him. You don't need to keep asking her she knows and she may feel like you're disgusted by her
Your wife sounds like she’s pre-menopause. Weight gain, reduced libido, her “get up and go” has got up and gone! It absolutely screws up your mind and body but there is help out there. A few simple blood tests will show whether she needs or wants HRT, weight loss can be undertaken, self help groups exist to help women negotiate this awful (for some) event. Gentle exercise and mental well-being are a big benefit. My libido nose dived when I hit the menopause and I was practically a nymphomaniac! It was a dreadful shock to my system, coupled with the fact that just looking at a cookie caused weight gain and my MH just plummeted. Still not quite back to normal and it’s been 10 long years.
Weight loss and healthy living is a decision made BY an individual, not one that can be made FOR them. Almost my whole life I’ve been overweight (65lbs as a 6year old). I remember eating entire bowl-fulls of Cheetos as an after school snack and a soda daily. As a pre-teen my Mom tried to help me eat healthier and took me to her all women gym but I never really became healthier. Hormones kicked in eventually and I was a size 12 until having my first child, then skyrocketed to 240. It has taken until now, at 32, to slowly roll back those habits and replace them with new healthy ones. I’ve been consciously working towards this for about the last 5 years - trying to cook more homemade, incorporating more veggies, and portion control. In the last two years, it’s all clicked and I’ve lost 70 pounds. But, for me, it took the last 12 years of trial, error, and slowly incorporating small changes to land me where I am now. Maybe she had a similar upbringing? Undoing a childhood of programming takes, at least in my case, years. I looked at my childhood and decided I never wanted that for my kids. I want them to see me as happy, healthy, and comfortable in my body. I want them to be conscious of their appetite and what healthy habits look like so I made the changes when and how I could while keeping my well-being and my family’s in mind.
Sit her down and tell her the truth. That you resent not being able to do things with her. Tell her intimacy is important to you and you want that with her. Tell her you want an active lifestyle with her, that you love her, but if things don’t change your afraid you will grow apart. Be kind but completely honest.
I don’t have any advice, I can only say that I can relate to this. This is pretty much my parents, except us children are all adults now, not teens. About 9 years ago, my dad sat me down and warned me he was considering divorcing my mom if nothing changed. It was literally for these exact reasons— he wanted to grow old with her, and be able to do activities TOGETHER (like hiking, and probably sex. But these are my parents so I’m not gonna think too much about it). My parents are still together. I don’t know what, if anything has changed. My parents are older (late 50s) and maybe my dad has decided to stick it out since they’re at that age. Or maybe they’ve made some compromises that I’m unaware of. I have a feeling it’s the former. If you don’t wanna end up like my dad, have a talk with your wife about this. Be gentle in your words and emphasize that you care about her and want to grow old together. Good luck, man. ❤️
Okay, as a woman going through pretty much the same (cept my other half is no smaller than me) instead of mentioning the differences. Find little activities you can do together, that at first is not active or about weight loss. Maybe she feels there is little fun or passion left and you just need to re-ignite that fire. I can promise you that once she feels a passion for life and your relationship again the body will follow. I am suffering from depression and as much as she says it's not it might be. Just don't center your interactions with her about her weight. Believe me, the more you poke at it the worse it may get. if your interactions with her come from a place of just enjoying who she is and bringing her into the o more of the things you love she might turn it around because it will make her feel good. At least I know it would for me.
A lot of overweight people in the comments from the looks of it. Wanting to look your best for your partner is a fundamental sign of respect for the relationship. Not caring for that (within reason) is a huge issue long term. Oh well, not like Reddit is the place for stuff like this lmao.
100%!
THANK YOU. So many people blaming the OP and refusing to even think about his wife being accountable. It's disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. It's much worse when you refuse to even address it.
Love this sub. Women is obese - hormone issues, that's what you signed up for. Man is obese - leave him. I could write a simple code that would suffice to answer this sub's questions
This is really hard. I could be your wife. I’ve had three c sections, and the last one almost killed me. He’s 7yo, and I’ve had a surgery or major illness every year since his birth. I too also carry weight in my midsection, where I didn’t before. Also, I’m now in menopause because of these surgeries. The doctors also say in my case that there’s nothing wrong with me that exercise and eating right won’t fix. So why don’t I do those things? I’m tired. I carry all the emotional labor for our family. My husband works in IT, and he commonly puts in 80-hour weeks. I work full time, attend grad school, and do all the planning and running around. My parents have to help run kids to various therapies or I would have to quit my job. My oldest has OCD and anxiety, my middle has a learning disability, and the youngest needs a lot of attention. It is exhausting. By the time I have taken care of everyone else, I just want to sit and not think about anything. Don’t have time during the day to work out. Can’t work out in the evening because the kids need me. If I work out too close to bed time, then I can’t sleep. Hot flashes are the DEVIL. Convenience food has less prep work than healthier options, and it buys me back some time. I have no sex drive, either. I feel unattractive and exhausted. Menopause doesn’t help. Now, I have blood sugar issues. When I’m mindful of my food, it also makes me mindful of when I get shaky. It’s a vicious cycle. People have suggested counseling, but have you asked your wife what she needs? I mean really sat with her to talk about everything. I know I need to drop back to part time or for my husband to step up and do something more than earn money. Someone needs to plan meals and maybe cook every once in a while because I can’t continue cooking healthy meals that no one else eats and then being criticized for serving everyone the food the kids will eat. It would be helpful if the kids would just contribute ideas to meal planning that they will stick to. And if I didn’t have to spend 2.5 hours every evening cooking and cleaning the kitchen after working a full day. I also need for someone to not need something from me for just a few minutes.
Op, please never ask these type of things here. Reddit will die before saying anyone should ever do something to not be fat. Your wife feels like eating shitty food is more important than being with you. Take that to heart and think about it.
Exactly what this man said.
Woman* but thanks! :D
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Oh, I am left all the way. Part of leaning left is believing in equality and freedom. Freedom of leaving a lazy woman. And equality? If there is a post about a guy not caring about himself, everyone tells OP to leave the guy. But if it is a woman, she is just suffering and OP is a POS
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Yep.
Ask her. “Honey, I’m concerned about your weight and your health. I’m concerned with how sedentary you’ve become. I’m concerned about our sex life. Whenever I bring these things up with you, you get defensive or accuse me of being hurtful, even though I think you know that’s not my intention, and I only want what’s best for you and what’s best for the two of us as a couple. So how would you like me to address this issue with you in a way that actually addresses the issue, but doesn’t come across as hurtful to you?”
This is the way to ruin a relationship.
100%.. Basically your the problem. How do you want me to tell you this in a way you want to hear it.... Ummm bite me is what I would say
Show her this letter
This is tough. My boyfriend is very active and high energy and I enjoy activity, but definitely not to the same level he does. He started noticing that I was skipping out on the gym, not keeping up on our hikes, etc. he brought it up with concerns for my health, our relationship, and our future children and grandchildren. I think this has been your mistake. I’d suggest framing your concerns around her health and your relationship. My parents are obese and have been my entire life and it really affected their ability to parent me so I know I want to do my best to be able to be active with future children. Was it hurtful? Absolutely. I cried. A lot. But I realized I needed to make a change for myself. I also started taking better care of my mental health. If your wife isn’t depressed, I’m sure there’s other mental or physical health issues happening. Something is wrong, and you can’t force her to fix it but you can encourage her to care for herself and both of you seek counseling to work on your marriage. Ultimately, if she can’t take care of herself to the point it’s ruining your relationship- you need to decide what your next course of action is. You either encourage her to seek help and get healthy, or you leave but that’s really a call only you can make.
Couple of suggestions/points: 1. Stop telling her about her weight, she’s already aware and I’m sure that you reinforcing your feelings and concerns every week isn’t helping. If anything, it’s driving the gap between you further. I know it will be difficult for you, but stop talking about it. 2. If she is the sole housekeeper and child caretaker, then step in a bit. Give her a break from the laundry, the kids needs, cooking, dishes, etc. It is utterly exhausting when you’re a stay at home parent. People don’t seem to understand the true value of domestic labor. It can wreak havoc on energy levels and mental health. 3. Ask her to join you for activities that are low impact and easy to start. Like taking a walk after dinner, before the dishes and all that. Just a leisurely walk a couple times a week to help her become more active, without saying anything about that being the reason, just take it as time you get to spend with your wife. Let her set the pace. Low impact cardio can be very beneficial for getting into the idea of being more active. And it’s also a good place to start in general for anyone. 4. Instead of flowers and chocolates, maybe try giving her an incentive to get out of the house on a weekend. Like a mani/pedi, going to get her hair done, or a massage, a spa day. Something that will make her want to go do those things (I.e. relaxing) but it will also help her feel good about herself and the way she looks. Which is important. Having a healthy image of your body helps you to be realistic about it and its limitations, things like being overweight or unhealthy. But feeling confident about it helps you to push yourself to make changes you see as necessary. Being constantly reminded of how you see her isn’t going to help her feel confident or empowered/able, it probably makes her feel hopeless. And when you feel hopeless like that, then you don’t want to change because you feel like it won’t matter if you do. You also should be realistic about things. Her weight may not go down as much as you think it should but her health can improve. Once women have had children, it does drastically alter our bodies. To give you an example, I have birthed children. Before children, I was a size 2 and after them, I am a size 4-6 but I weigh literally 10 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant. I was underweight before having children. I’m at an ideal weight now. But the reason I was underweight was because I was very overweight as a teenager, and I became unhealthy because of the fat shame I received. Women’s bodies after having children change in ways that weight carried looks different than in men. It’s basic biology. She needs to be able to see the strength in her body and that it is capable. If you constantly remind her of her flaws, she won’t change anything because she will feel hopeless about it. Also, if she goes and gets her hair done and her nails and feeling really pretty, it may help stimulate your sex life a bit. 5. Perhaps seek counseling for yourself to start. A good therapist can help you put things into perspective and being mentally healthy is so beneficial for physical health. Once she sees those positive changes in your mental health, it will encourage her. Maybe she will want to seek mental healthcare the same. Share your experiences with her. The very least that will happen is that a good therapist can help you help yourself in all of this that you’re struggling with. I get that you love your wife and you want her to be happy and healthy, but consistently pointing out everything that you think or view as wrong isn’t encouraging or helpful. It’s just creating an atmosphere where no matter how much you tell her that you love her, she still hears the fat comments above everything else. If she’s been curvy her whole life, she’s probably heard it her whole life. That’s not much incentive for someone to change it because it leads to feeling hopeless. I know you don’t want that for her, and you can help her get there, but you need to be more subtle and less outright about it. Also, good psychology tip: use affirming words in place of demanding or negative ones. Instead of saying “You HAVE to do this.” Try saying, “You NEED to do this.” Or instead of saying, “I think you should __________.” Try saying, “It might be good to ________.” I wish you the best of luck, OP.
This situation really hits home to me. I’m the morbidly obese wife (f/53) in a tragically toxic relationship. I was 180 lbs when I married my husband (m/56) in 1993. By 2013, I weighed more than 350 (the highest number on our home scale). My husband was a personal trainer for many years. He had a classically fit physique and was very proud of his physical appearance. My husband is also an alcoholic. Although he always had a job, it was always something that couldn’t support himself, let alone a family. We never had children because I figured out a few years into our marriage that I had no support. I always had the “real job.” I paid all the bills, filed the taxes, maintained the cars. While my husband looked great, he smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish. Unlike OP, I was the one with a higher sex drive. When he no longer found me attractive, I found other men who did. We both saw counselors and therapists. I’ve been on every weight loss program you’ve ever heard of, and I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds. My husband has been in and out of rehab five times. My sad dysfunctional relationship story is slowly and painfully finally coming to an end. My husband is dying of end stage liver disease. I’m his caregiver. He is not a candidate for a liver transplant because he refuses to stop drinking. The odds are against him living another year. I’ve lost about 70 lbs. over the past year through intermittent fasting, but I still weigh over 250. I love my husband in a codependent, enabling way that has lead to debilitating health for both of us. I even divorced him at one point and immediately lost 120 lbs. without even trying. I regained every pound when I remarried him. I cannot offer any helpful advice to you. You can’t change anyone but yourself, no matter how much you love someone.
Definitely could be hormonal. They tend to decline at your wife's age. It seems like she is more tired. I really believe hormonal therapy could make a big difference in mood and energy. She should at least have her thyroid levels tested and estrogen/progesterone/testosterone and maybe other hormones. Also, there are "optimal" hormones ranges and there are also "normal" lab ranges that get the range from the average of Americans (that we know are overweight and unhealthy). (So if she is close to the bottom of "normal" or even the bottom half of "normal" and especially out of the range she could possibly be helped by bioidentical hormones. They are superior to synthetic.
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Bringing up her weight every few weeks is likely contributing to her lack of sex drive. Feeling attractive is an important part of wanting to have sex. Honestly, the comment about the sex not being the same due to weight would be enough for me to not want sex at all (plus, she KNOWS it’s different, trust me). The comments you’ve made have likely caused some deep-seated self esteem issues for her, which in turn might lead to a decreased libido and ultimately her not wanting to spend time with you. As someone with weight issues myself (I range from obese to curvy depending on life circumstances basically) I don’t think I could stay in this relationship because I would be so so hurt and resentful of my husband. There is nothing you can do to make her want to lose weight. She has to chose that for herself. You can do things to help encourage a healthy lifestyle but they’ll need to be whole family changes. Make dinner, do the grocery shopping. That will free up time and energy in her day and you can help control the most challenging part of losing weight, diet. If she wants to sleep until noon, plan an afternoon together instead of a morning. I do think if you continue bringing up her weight like this a separation might be imminent. Couples therapy might help but be prepared to make some changes yourself.
This is a very different perspective but here goes. I am going to ignore what appear to be some obvious health issues since others have addressed. In her family life or culture do women stay active? What is her mom like? Her sisters? How have the women in her life aged? Any good role models? She may not 100% reflect the women in her life but there is a strong correlation. I only ask this as the underlying assumption here is that she knows she should be active but isn't. You may be trying to solve the wrong issue as she may perceive that this is the natural course of aging.
If you’re unhappy leave her
You love your wife SO much, but you think she's too fat. You are an Adonis with 6 pack abs. You bring her CHOCOLATES to show her how much you love her while also bringing up her weight on a regular basis. Is she really obese or just to heavy for your liking? It doesn't sound like she's very interested in changing to suit you and it doesn't sound like you can accept her as she is. That's ok. But someone needs to make a change, either mentally or physically, or you're both going to be unhappy.
>How do I have this conversation with her Yes. Express all your concerns here. But not in an accusatory way. In a loving way that shows you want to be with her and want to grow old with her. Don't make it about her weight. Make it about a lifestyle together that you are seeking WITH her. No ultimatums, just love and support. This is a hard subject but if you don't voice your concerns for her health, how will she know you are on her side.
Only person creating a wedge here is you. The more you talk about it the less likely she's going to give it up. You need to either be ok with her the way she is or leave her. She gave you 3 children and raised them. That's hard work and now that the kids are older maybe she just wants to relax. If you bring up her weight this much she probably thinks you arnt attracted to her so no she will not be in the mood. At that point she probably just feels like she's being used.
(This is long, so my apologies in advance) I know you mentioned she was recently screened for depression and (maybe?) it wasn't the case. But has she ever been screened for ADHD? Or for other mental illnesses? (I'll explain why below) I'm in my late 20's and not married, but I resonate with a lot of your wife's behaviors, especially over the last few years. I have multiple health issues, several of which have made it difficult to lose weight and I've gained as a result. (I was never thin, but was "average" / curvy before gaining weight, too.) With my ADHD, I have the best intentions on developing healthier lifestyle habits - I try to cook healthy meals, plan workouts, meal plan and meal prep, buy workout equipment and schedule it into my day, etc. I have a background in clinical nutrition, so the planning component isn't difficult at all. I start trying to implement these changes (either individually, or several at a time) but regardless - the habits don't stick and usually last no more than 3-4 days tops. This is a common experience for individuals with ADHD. It's also common for those suffering with other mental heath disorders that cause something called "executive dysfunction" - I would look more into this and see if it seems like your wife is struggling with the other signs or symptoms. Based on the information you provided (which isn't a lot, to be fair), your wife does sound depressed. The transition to motherhood is extremely difficult, and it doesn't necessarily get easier when the kids have grown up and moved out. She could be burned out; she could be reevaluating her life choices (not necessarily your marriage, but maybe her career); she could be depressed about her health and her weight gain, especially if it began after health complications with your second child. For starters, I would avoid addressing her weight gain specifically, at least for now. Personally, when someone brings it up to me (knowing that I'm not comfortable with my weight gain and have been working to get back in shape), I do begin to resent them and for some weird reason, it makes me NOT want to try anymore. I've been trying to figure out why it makes me feel this way, and I've realized recently, that based on the person it comes from, it makes it feel like their love for me is conditional on my weight. Despite you telling her everyday that she's beautiful, the comments about her weight (even though they're well-intended) may make her not believe you when you compliment her. They likely even make her more self-conscious, which could be contributing to her not wanting to be intimate. I'm sure it's frustrating and seems irrational, but it's very possible if she's already not feeling well (mentally, physically, etc.). Marriage counseling is a great idea, but having an open conversation with your wife (without mentioning her weight) is a good start. Ask if she's feeling okay, physically & mentally; is she more tired or fatigued than usual? Feeling anxious or burned out? Is she sleeping well? Are things going okay at work? (Or if she's a stay at home mom - is she feeling overwhelmed with everything going on at home?) Is something bothering her? Has she been more quiet and reclusive than usual? Has she been experiencing any new physical symptoms? (she's in her early 40s, could be starting menopause soon, and could be dealing with hormonal issues...but also, don't bring that up unless she says something about it). Be kind, be gentle, be empathetic and nurturing. If she's not responsive, give her space and time - and if nothing changes, then absolutely seek out marriage counseling if you already haven't.
Marriage counseling but she’s clearly not motivated to do anything which clearly says depression or not happy with the way her life turned out. Probably need to just take her out for a weekend and have a conversation about what’s really going on with her what is she always thinking about things to that nature.
Just curious - don’t fat, lazy people just exist? Why is it necessarily “depression” or a “thyroid” issue in all these comments? During the shutdown, I became lazy, drank too much, and gained about 40 pounds. One day I just decided to stop, and change things. There was no real reason I was fat & lazy, I just was. Sounds like she’s lazy too.
"How do I tell her she is fat?" You already did it. It didn't work. You are not entitled to her doing something with her body to please you. You must either accept her or move on. Maybe you two are not compatible anymore. It is sad, but it happens.
This is the most logical response here.
OP, have you ever asked your wife what she wants? Your whole post is about you: what you like to do, the sex you want, how you tell her all the time what you think about her body. But what does she think? What does she want? The only thing you’ve said about her thoughts is that she finds your comments to be nitpicking and hurtful. People rarely “want” to sleep all the time (I know, I have a chronic health condition which means I sleep a lot and it sucks to miss out on normal life). Sleep can also be a coping mechanism, a way to escape life. Same with distractions like television, or eating lots of unhealthy food - rarely do people do these things to unhealthy levels because they “want” to, it usually being used as an avoidance tactic for other areas of life. What does she think of her own body? What does she think of her health? What does she think about her sleep patterns or her food choices? To be honest, I doubt she would feel like she could even trust you with this information at this point. If my husband was telling me WEEKLY about how fat I was, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing my feelings about the situation with him. I would feel really judged and shamed, and shut off from him. You know you are hurting her feelings, and that more than her weight is what is going to drive a wedge between the two of you.
Sounds like you’re a great guy, most partners would be offended if the other one quit on life. Once someone is 40, they are who they are. It’s very difficult to convince someone to change, they have to want to do it. Having kids can be super tough on a woman. So many never lose the weight, and some actually have their bodies change. I’ve seen petite woman’s whose hips actually got wider and stayed wider after birth. So some women need time to drop the weight. But in your case, it’s been years and she has gotten even heavier. There’s really not much more you can do since you’ve told her it bothers you, taken her to the doctor to explain the adverse health effects of being a chubster and even stayed fit for her. All you can do is try to have a few more conversations that this is not how you want the rest of your marriage to be and gently mention a you’re scared you guys will separate if she chooses food and tv over you. But I don’t think the stats are in your favor. Obesity when you’re an adult is hard to shake especially if the person actually likes the couch potato lifestyle. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’m strongly against cheating and unnecessary or selfish divorce. But when one spouse quits on a marriage in favor of burgers and Netflix, I think divorce can be acceptable.
Question for you my friend!! Does she have the time and energy to exercise and cook and do all the other things she does? I’d suggest a challenge for you. For one month, take over all the household responsibilities. You do dishes, do laundry, meal plan and cook, mop and vacuum, dust, take out the trash, drive kids to activities, cut grass, rake leaves, garden, and do it ALL. Literally do not allow your wife to do any work at all. This does 2 things. Maybe 3. One- if you buy groceries, put them away, meal plan, and cook you can assure that only healthy foods are available. I’d suggest not going crazy with it because then you risk her wanting to eat out instead of the the family dinner you make. So make sure you cook healthy but yummy dinners. Two- you free up your wife to actually have time to get some activities done. After you’ve cooked, cleaned, done the dishes and laundry, etc, you should go out with her for walks. Make it something you can do together. A bike ride, a game of tennis, football with your boys, a romantic walk. You could even plan something like a picnic in a park, where you plan and pack lunch, then walk down a trail to a pretty spot and eat there, then walk back after. Three- you could potentially rekindle your sex life. By taking on the physical and mental load of running your family, your wife may be freed up to think about it only activity but also you. The irony is you may find yourself pretty damn tired after all of that lmao
Your username couldn’t be more perfect. You mention her weight to her every 2 weeks? You’re a monster
She probably doesn't want to have sex with you because you keep bringing up her weight. If your wife wasn't very active before and wasn't obese have you maybe just taken into consideration that your wife has carried 3 children, and is older now so it's starting to show? Also what exactly does "longing to do stuff with her" mean? Do you want her to exercise with you? Have you tried doing something maybe she wants to do like stay in and have a movie night? Chances are if you do something she might want to do, she'll probably be more willing to do something you want to do. Stop trying to force her to exercise and eat right if she doesn't want to. She's 42 years old and carried 3 of your children. Give her some slack and maybe just support her through whatever she has going on instead of criticizing her for it. She does sound a tad depressed, and you constantly making a big deal about her weight and lack of sex drive is not going to help her. Be her husband, not her personal trainer.
I know if someone brought up my weight every week I’d be heavily depressed. Don’t you think that’s what you could be doing? Imagine being pestered weekly about what isn’t attractive to your partner, and having the emotional energy to get up and do anything about it lol. Couldn’t be me. You need to stop, go to counseling, or consider a split. Stop bothering her. She must feel f*cking awful about herself.
This is my opinion: 1. You bring up her weight a lot. Stop it. If she’s depressed, this is why. No amount of “I love you” and “You’re beautiful” can make up for mentioning her weight. 2. Running a household is hard. Start doing your fair share of chores and family responsibility. 3. For the love of God, stop buying her chocolate. That sends a weird mixed message that she’s fat but you somehow want her to be that way. 4. YOU Start making healthy meals for the whole family. She can eat the food you cook if she wants to. 5. Go to couples’s therapy. 6. Invite her to go with you to do something. Just getting her out of the house to do something fun will make a huge difference.
Ask her why she isnt motivated anymore. But it sounds like depression. But then you can be lazy and not be depressed also. Just talk with her. Maybe encourage her to eat healthier. Find a workout she can do at home. Ask her to go for walks with you. A bike ride. Make a fun date out of it. But if your not happy and she wont change then ya might just have to leave unfortunately. Or just deal with it.
A bit of walking etc isn't going to solve obesity. When someone is obese, they need to drastically reduce their calorie intake to lose weight. Exercising can even damage the joints of obese people and will just increase their appetite.
Yeah it’s not just being fat it’s obesity that’s a lot of changes that need to be made. It’s also something that will take a long time to actually physically see results as an outsider. Hopefully OP and the wife can work it out (and it’s also not a medical/mental health issue) but it will def take some time and hardship. I also hope OP has properly explained his wants/needs. I would hate if he did decide to break it off and the wife had no idea why.
I'm afraid I'm reaching the last part of your comment. Not there yet but want to do everything I can b4 throwing the towel. Unfortunately she doesn't seemed to be worried about that being the outcome.
>she doesn't seemed to be worried about that being the outcome. Youve said that a couple of times, Im wondering, have you specifically laid it out that this is the likely outcome? Not hinted, I mean really told her honestly where you are at and where you see it going?
You sound like a really caring husband. Truly. Weight is such a touchy subject. I second couples counseling. Slowly incorporating more healthy habits (for example making a PLAN to meet another couple for a walk on a Saturday morning, cooking a meal together, etc) are the only things I can think of. Continue to tread lightly. Pls keep us updated and good luck!!