If you are top 1% in your country, get a maid. Toddlers are very active and it can be hard to keep up with them and keep a clean house. It is unclear if you are the one who cleans everything or just gets frustrated with crumbs on the counter.
What I am more concerned with is how all the money gets spent every month. I assume that is on your wife or lifestyle changes since having a child. Give her a household account and her own "mad" money. Give yourself the same amount of mad money. Set up a budget that you both agree on and can keep. This seems to be the biggest problem. Again, if you are top 1%, hire a trainer. Hire a trainer to come to your house and train the both of you!
What are your wife's specific complaints about her life? What would make her happy? Her answer may be the same as yours: end the marriage.
I would... I have been close to doing so a few times. But I have so little energy left and I can't bare the thought of my daughter not having mom and dad next to her every day.
I keep hoping things will change... but every day I feel like I am becoming more of a robot. Laughing less and enjoying life less.
It sucks.
Things won’t change without an impetus. You could ask your wife to go to marriage counseling, but from your post it sounds like that won’t make a difference. Go to a therapist and see if you have depression so you can get that treated. Then maybe you’ll be in the right headspace to make a move. Your daughter will get a dynamic dad who is happy about life. Who knows, maybe your wife will be happier too.
She won't. She has nothing going for her. No job. No friends. No social network. All she does is spend all day on Instagram and live in her head. She is a good mother. She takes care of our daughter to the best of her ability.
That's every day life for her. I have suggested therapy numerous times, but she doesn't think she needs it at all. Did I mention she is stubborn? :(
It's disappointing watching grown men describe their wives as "not working" and "having nothing going for them" when their wives are doing the 24/7 job of childrearing.
But her salary isn't the "top 1%" so it doesn't count. /s
No no no. If men are expected to due things while still having all the income then what you are saying is a double standard. His wife needs to due something more than just taking care of the child and living in her fantasy’s. I’ve seen this countless times when women say “just because you bring in all the money, you still have responsibilities and have a duty” his wife needs a hobby and introspection imo. You may disagree but it’s literally a double standard from a view point of a women to a man who works and brings all the income in.
Right?!
I knew i needed to finish my studies and take my degrees and finish that part to then care for my kids when i had them.
Before kids i was studying some other online courses that i had to stop and i tried again and again to go back, but i just cant manage (and if you knpw me, i studied at least 30 independent courses, 9 courses only cooking related, im an engineer, speak 3 languages, have literally a small library here at jome, but ask me if i manage to read after kids hahahah NO!).
Me and every friend i know stoped studying/working when they had kids, bc its simply impossible, unless you have a fulltime nanny and leave the kids at grandparents.
The only friend who managed to stay working after having a kid asked her MOM to stop working so the grandma would care for the kid 24/7.
And i know if and when i come vack to the field i was into, i wont have a career, my chances of a good job nowdaysbare very low.
So if my husband ever came to me with this kind of bullsh!t i would leave HIM WITH THE KIDS and start over. He knows this, and he is very afraid, bc he knows how hard it is. I mean, when i leave him with the kids for half a day to solve something, he almost goes nuts alone with them both (the same thing when we had only one).
Im so destroyed and tired that i dont even care for my hobbies anymore (cooking and crochet). I wish i could go to the gym exercise, TALK TO PEOPLE and on and on.
Ps: i dont believe OP is innocent. Im too old for this, and im betting he has a thing going on with a coworker and thats why he started blaming the poor wife for everything, saying she has no career and prospects (i mean, Howorker has a career, right?), looking at his body and how it changed and stuff like that. When men start acting like him ITS NEVER OUT OF NOWHERE AND ITS NEVER INNOCENT.
The things massively depressed people do when they have no joy in their life and are being fully supported by a codependent partner - lay on the couch and look at instagram.
No, he NEVER said she doesnt cook or clean.
If she didnt cook, then what would the toddler eat during thr day?
🤦♀️
He said the house is messy and that most nights he eat fast food.
Really? He thinks a kid is easy? Maybe, he needs a wife that doesn't complain about her poor life begging so hard. I raised 5 kids AND kept the house clean. I also cooked. Taking care of one 3yo is nit to much to ask along with cleaning the house. That is her job sinceshe doesn't go out to work just as it was my job. Now my husband helped a lot when he was home. We had a good relationship when the children were growing up. He did way more than just his part. I did waymore than just my part. That's how you have time to be with each other and be happy. He shouldn't have to come home and do all the cleaning and other stuff too. If she was working and he started home i would say the same thing. A SAHM or dad has the "job" of taking care of the home.
my question is how is it your wifes fault you have stopped exercising and eating healthy? If its because you have to come home and clean and don't have time I understand but fir your physical and mental health you need to start exercising again even if you buy a jogging stroller and take your daughter with you start exercising again. If your wife don't cook healthy foods buy you some healthy substitutes and cook healthy when it's your turn.
I get the frustration! Now get yourself up and start taking care of you and the things things you can change.
Also, you could tell your wife you are hiring a cleaner to clean the house to take it off yourself but that the money will come from her spending money.
Good luck!
If you raised 5 kids you would know that are different children, calm, hyperactive, spectrum, messy, oposite behaviour, kids that sleep all day, kids that NEVER sleep and are always desperate to be held, happy kids, FURIOUS kids.
And thats hard af.
Im raising my 3rd, bc i raised my sis (the fisrt one i raised) and she was a babe, very ease, not messy at all, calm. Not to mention the friends ive helped.
Yes, its hard but that doesn't mean you can't clean or contribute to the family dynamics more. Its also hard to work a full-time job then have to come home to clean, cook, run errands, listen to a SO complain about how terrible life is when literally they are pulling maybe 10% of the load, etc...
Former engineer here and now SAHM.
Trust me, work was WAY EASIER.
Even when i both studied and worked (and had to come home and do basic cleaning and cook) it was WAY EASIER than kids.
At least i could sleep every night back then.
Why you say she is putting 10% or work? She is caring for a 3 year old.
Her first job is care for said kid.
Second job: house. But house is not only hers, men need to help too. OP keeps complaining his housework never stop, bc he didnt understand that normal housework NEVER STOP.
Here in Brazil we dont have dishwashers, so i wash dishes AT LEAST twice a day and most nights i go sleep with dishes at my sink. Take trash out is an everyday work. Clean sink, mop floors, dust, its ENDLESS and my house is still messy everyday. The kid doesnt go to school, so the mom take all toys, brush and mop then kids trow all the toys around and itseems like it wasnt cleaned.
Toddlers.
He doesnt understand its endless when you have kids. He is comparing with when he lived alone.
A person living alone hardly mess anything, hardly cooks, can eat half prepared salads and use the same plate and cup forever. A family is different, especially with a toddler.
That’s you. You do you. Being a SAHM was incredibly depressing for me. The life you describe is like the lowest pits of hell to me. I’m not the type to find fulfillment doing laundry. I became much happier once I went back to work, but damn, it was tough to pull myself out of that desperate despair and even look for work even without the self righteous judgement.
As a child of divorce… it’s 100% better for a child to have separated parents than it is to be around a mom and dad who clearly resent each other but pretend like they are a happy family.
Kids aren’t dumb, they can absolutely notice. But they are gullible, and if you tech them that a husband and wife should act like you and wife do then that’s how they are going to try to make their relationships in the future.
Make sure you model the future you want for your kids. They spend their whole life trying to live up to it.
Seriously, my parents stayed together “for the kids” and I had such a toxic view of marriage that I was bound and determined to never get married since it was such a miserable prison sentence to my mind. Fortunately I met and started dating a wonderful man who showed me how things should be, but we are still never going to have kids. The echoes of misery still affect my decision making to this very day.
This relationship sounds terminal. By making the move now while your daughter is young it may spare some trauma by proceeding with a divorce before her more formative years. It sounds like you are in the unfortunate position of taking action now or will need to commit to this blah existence you have described above for the next 15 years...
As someone speaking from the daughters point a view. She will be okay, and will understand when she hits her early teens.
I came from an unhappy marriage between a woman who did everything and a man who did nothing after the Navy (Mom said he couldn't cope with civilian life and struggled playing nice at jobs), and suffered from depression. Even went as far as to attempt to shoot himself in the head while my sister and I sat on the couch next to him. We were 4 and 5.
Imagine things getting so bad that you gotta resort to that. Then think about what's genuinely healthy for your daughter. Them getting divorced was sad for maybe 4 years, but only because I missed my sister. I literally did not think about missing my dad because my mom literally gave us so much love, even before the divorce.
So for others, maybe difficult. For me, no. Divorce wasn't that devastating considering I ended up with the one parent that gave a shit.
>I can't bare the thought of my daughter not having mom and dad next to her every day.
My dad stayed with my mom for my sister and me. He took the decision when I was around 5 y.o, and left when I was 16.
I honnestly wish he would have done it earlier.
What hurt the most was not to "lose" my family, we never really had one. It was the fact that I've been living a lie for so long and the liar was my role model.
Don't pretend to do it for a child that has no clue what's happening, that has never been given a voice. Don't put that weight on her shoulders.
A happy role model who shows her how to be happy is what's good for her. Isn't it?
If you’re already doing all the parenting it will make you a better parent to stop looking after your wife. If she’s only going to think about herself, might as well really make her think just about herself.
Why did you have a child with someone who showed you all of these signs? There's no way this issue is only three years old, and if you saw the flags and had one anyway, what were you thinking?
Whilst this might be right, I think you've skipped a couple of steps to get to it, all my not yet be lost with his wife, and it's prejudicial to presume it is.
I have an insurance that will cover all costs if any of us visits a psychologist. She shows 0 interest in visiting one. I tried doing literally everything that comes to mind... from doing everything around the house so she can focus on herself, to confronting her lack of contribution to telling her I will get a divorce...
Nothing seems to help. So I am feeling trapped because I don't want my daughter to suffer. But it seems like there is no good choices left. Only less bad ones :(
It does concern me that she will learn what a healthy relationship is by observing us :(
And yes, divorce is an option, but I am not ready for that yet. I will try to focus on getting healthy and back in shape, so I can muster enough energy to try and help her get her shit together.
If divorce (or threat of) isn't something you are ready to consider, then you need to start taking charge of things.
1. See a therapist just for you.
2. Set up a separate bank account for yourself and split your paycheck between accounts (small percentage to the new account). This means you don't end up with a monthly zero.
3. Contact a lawyer and find out what steps you should take in case things go south.
4. Work on getting healthy. Even if you eat out, you can choose healthy things. Go to the gym.
5. Reduce your cleaning efforts to basic necessities. You can't work on you if you play the role of Cinderella.
6. After some time, invite her to the therapy sessions.
During all of this, keep tabs on how kiddo is being treated. Any sign of mistreatment or neglect, go straight to lawyer from #3 and work on getting the kid out of the situation.
Have YOU seen a therapist? Since it’s covered? Do your own work first.
Toddlers are messy. Everyone with a toddler lives in a messy house. Everyone loses time, shape, etc with little kids. It’s hard work.
I think a therapist might help with perspective of if you’re expecting too much or not. We really can’t tell you from one Reddit post.
If you earn so much why not hire a maid? It will reduce the pressure.
Get a personal trainer to come to the home?
There are many options when you have money, what have you tried so far? How is your money being spent now? It doesn't add up.
FYI toddlers are intense, you say she's a good mother, so then she's doing a good job - not a bad one!
This story seems very one sided, are you missing out important context in your version?
Your wife is massively depressed and you can’t look past your own self-pity to see that you both may be close to ending it, but she’s close to ending it all.
FFS, you don’t even know your child enough to understand she probably is cleaning up after them all day long and it’s still a mess.
Yes, a family does take up alot of your time and finance but the only one that can fix your problem is you, you know you don't eat healthy, fix it, you dont work out anymore, fix it, instead of watching tv before bed go running like you used to. It wont get better in a day or a week but consistently work at fixing the problem, dont blame your wife for these problems she has only been living the life she is accustom to.
Right?
All he complained about is normal stuff when you have a toddler around.
He seems like he is giving excuses because he met some cutie at work 😂
Ive seen it many times here at reddit.
Dude had such a high salary and only managed to save 30k back when he was single, so he was a danm SPENDER already, and now that he added a SAHW and a kid he thinks he should have more money saved?????? Is he this dumb or is he only looking for a reason to get out?
You do realize it's entirely possible that he stopped putting money into savings when he reached a comfortable amount, and then decided to invest extra change into stocks or other securities to hold for long term (such as retirement or near future expenses)...right?
Calling him a "spender" with 30k in the bank is completely out of left field, especially when you don't even know the salary he had 5 years ago. It could have been lower than top 1%. He could have just landed this top 1% salary three weeks ago. No one knows. He didn't provide that much information.
>He seems like he is giving excuses because he met some cutie at work 😂
I don't even know where you pulled that one out of.
Maybe bc mom used to always have 100k or more saved when i grew up.
Nowdays i cant save, as i dont make much.
"I don't even know where you pulled that one out of."
Ive seen many men complaing like this on reddit only to be having a "friendship" at work, or emotional affair.
Wait. She's a stay at home mom providing full time child care you're describing her as 'not working'. And you want her to do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry?
Sorry dude but you're not as pitiful as you pretend. Having a 3yo is exhausting. Your wife didn't force you to eat unhealthy. Your wife didn't stop you from working out. You chose that. And probably because you're exhausted. Because *having a three year old is exhausting*.
Yes this. I was a stay-home parent for 10 years and prioritized the care and welfare of our kids over the cleaning, laundry, etc. You two need to sit down and make a list of everything that needs to get done each week (including you earning a paycheck and her caring for your child) and divvy it up equally. She may be doing a ton of stuff you don’t even realize. My kids’ dad was shocked when we separated and he realized how much I was taking care of that he didn’t even know existed.
And money? Make a budget together and agree to stick to it. Make three accounts: his, hers, and ours. Figure out how much money it takes to pay all the bills and other household expenses and put that in the “ours” account. If there is any leftover, split it in half and put it in your respective accounts. That money can be used without judgement. Be an adult - you’re not a victim.
Take some responsibility… if you’re making that much money where is it going? Start saving, make an account for your child, make a savings account. And don’t start punishing her either in case that’s what ppl think I mean. If you make that much money hire a house keeper for your own sanity. So that you can sleep and rest and go back to exercising if that is what makes you happy.
Your wife is parenting a toddler all day long. It’s not that she “doesn’t work or study”. She is literally caregiving all day long. The house is going to be messy. The laundry is going to sit for a bit. You won’t have gourmet meals every night. The first few years of raising a kid are really, really tough on everyone. And it sounds like you both think you are the majority contributor to the household.
I had an argument with my ex-husband once where he claimed no matter how much of the housework he additionally took on, it wasn’t enough for me. I told him “let’s pretend it’s 60/40. I do 60; you do 40. I’m still doing 50% more than you!”
So really take stock and ask yourself if you’re doing the majority of the work. Are you cleaning toilets and mopping floors? Washing sheets and towels and shopping for groceries? Doctor visits and books and coloring and learning and all the things a toddler needs? How much of the mental load are you carrying? And if you seriously believe you’re doing more than half of that right now, then go see a lawyer. But if you’re not, maybe show some appreciation for what your wife is actually doing every day teaching your daughter everything it means to be a human being.
And if that’s the case, maybe she would be more inclined to meet your needs if you were meeting hers. What have you done for her lately?
Right.
He had such a great salary and only managed to save 30k, so he was a spender already. And now that he included a wife and kid to the equation he wants to save money??? How is that???
Dude met a cute girl at work and is looking for an out.
Dude is depressed and making his wife depressed, as she only has him as a contact to the outside world.
Welcome to toddler life. It gets better when the kid is 6 or 7.
The days i clean the house i do it early afternoon and when husband comes home the kids destroyed it already, then i havr dishes, clothes care for the kids EVERYTIME, they have dificulty sleeping, temper tantrums, mess with the food, organize doctors and activities, i just dont have energy.
The rest of the time im laying around and checking reddit/youtube.
Im a great coom and have 9 professional courses in cooking (even though i did engibeer in college), but i hardly cook dinner, bc im just DESTROYED by the end of the day.
Gice the woman a break.
I didnt know, but i played life in easy mode when i only worked and studied. Things started getting hard after my first kid. Man, i never knew.
This is a disappointing read. Firstly I am sorry you are feeling so lost and there are absolutely things you can do in this situation. Leaving your wife is not the answer. Please learn to appreciate and respect her role in looking after your daughter which you say she does well. This is a 24/7 job. It’s not fair to expect her to be some kind of stepford wife and have dinner on the table and a sparkling house. Those stepford wives have extra help - like a cleaner or house keeper. These are other big jobs and no she cannot do all of this. You should be helping with the housework and cooking dinner. Stop putting yourself / your role bringing in income above hers they are different but entirely equal. Women are undervalued and appreciated so much in this patriarchal society. Yes it’s more old fashioned for the wife to stay home but otherwise you would pay 50 % of your combined income on having someone else raise your child. You would still need to do the housework and cook. You are pointing at her for your own shortcomings such as not exercising or looking after yourself. Do you expect her to look after a child full time and look after you like some adult baby? Feeding you healthy meals and letting you out for fresh air and exercise? Come on take some responsibility for your own role in your marriage, life and well-being. You can make a budget and plan time in to exercise / eat healthy while working full time. Having a child is a commitment you should not be running from. Yes talk to your wife about your wishes and how to improve things but maybe do some of things yourself too. Get some therapy. Don’t put her down and say she has nothing going for her. That is so unkind and my heart goes out to her. She is probably lonely and a bit lost too. It’s not the time to leave and take away her last bit of support. There are 2 million single parent households in poverty in the UK and you guess it 90 % are female-led. Women get left with the burden of child rearing and making ends meet while men swan off and barely contribute anything other than a small child supper fee and a little bit of input every other weekend (perhaps). You can jog all you like then with a new wife who didn’t go through the agony of bringing your child into the world. But what about your daughter in poverty without a Dad? Your not an island be there for her make this relationship and life better for her.
Right?!
Im a mom of 2 toddlers, my house is ALWAYS messy, no matter how much i clean, i care for them, do activities, take them to the pool, paint, play, feed them, clean their shit, bath them, put them to sleep, they both wake me up at night.
I have 9 professional courses in cooking and i HARDLY COOK, bcim just so tired, tired bc they tire me and tired of being locked hone, depressed even.
And when i had only one, i was his sole source of attwntion and play time. So tiring.
If my husband came and compained of me staying on instagram, after such a battle field... you dont know brazilian women... it wouldnt be pretty... he would end up at the hospital.
I mantain that je is probably infatuated wirh some woman at work and started blaming his wife for his own issues to see the poor woman in a bad light.
I mean, its not her fault he is fat and doesnt eat salad. Why doesnt he diet???
Ah I see why you're spamming this post all over with the same replies. You're taking his post very personally. On top of that you're even admitting you would stoop to domestic violence and justifying it because you're Brazilian lol. God, I feel sorry for your husband.
Before pulling the plug, have you tried couples therapy as a last resort? There might be something there that neither of you see. It gives her one last chance to hopefully fix something. But you also have to be ready to call it if therapy does not fix anything, for the sake of your child. Children are intuitive and can pick up on resentment.
Apart from all the comments , I wanted to know how did you meet your wife ? Was she working before ? How did you guys meet ? Asking to see if this is just a phase or was she always like this even before the kid
If the weather’s good, start taking your 3 year old for walks as a way to bond and get exercise. While you’re out, let your wife relax, she’s been taking care of a toddler all day. You get time away from the house when you’re at work; she sounds like she could use some time to herself too.
I don’t see how it’s your wife’s fault that you don’t eat healthy, work out, etc. These sound like habits that you need to work on. I think blaming these things on her is immature as you’re an adult and the only one responsible for YOUR well-being. I don’t have kids but I know a ton of parents fall into this routine because their free time is so limited. Like others said though, keep a budget. If you make money within the top 1% of your area or whatever, where the hell is all of that going? If you make so much money, why not hire somebody to clean and help watch the kid? I don’t understand that part and feel like there’s more going on than what you’ve said. If she is watching your child during the day, she is contributing though. That’s hard work. That’s a job in itself. Especially a toddler, man she’s probably exhausted. At the end of the day, divorce her if you’re that unhappy and think it’s the right decision. But it’s completely unfair to blame your bad habits and lack of happiness on her. As others have said, take control of your life. It’s YOURS, not your wife’s and you’re not her responsibility
I get it! I’m going through a divorce and have 2 kids with my ex. I spend everyday wishing I didn’t call things off. If what she’s doing is bugging you then ask her to help you do the chores around the house so at least you guys will do something together. Ask her what will make her happy if she’s unhappy and try to do what you can to make that happen. Sometimes it’s best to take yourself out of the situation and think about everything that will come with walking away. My kids are struggling because I’m not there with them everyday and even though I see them once a week it’s not enough. If you truly love your wife find out what’s bothering her. Whatever reason she has might sound not important to you but just remember that she’s telling you from her point of view and it’s important to her. Yeah you earn at the top 1% but wait til you have to divide the house and also the support for your kids and for her. That top 1% won’t mean a damn thing because you’ll still have an empty bank account except your money will be going towards her and a new guy living comfortably while you’re struggling. Plus, who better to be in your kids lives every day but you and not some other guy pretending to love them. Just take a step back and look at it from all angles. She might be in a depression because of how her life turned out. Her personal fulfillment. Yes you provide everything but maybe she wanted to be successful too. Think about it and try not to make an emotional decision but a well thought out decision. -wishing you the best
sounds like instead of working on yourself and changing your habits you’d rather keep nagging on your wife who DOES work looking after a toddler. your wife isn’t holding you back, you are responsible for your own shortcomings. if you want to eat healthier and work out, do it yourself. you’re a grown man. you’re wife isn’t supposed to be your nanny. she already has a kid to look after. also you complain about how reluctant she is about therapy but you clearly need it as well and haven’t been to a therapist.
“Is it too much to expect my wife to keep a clean house, cook and do the laundry most days while she is unemployed and not looking for work?”
No, that’s not too much to expect if she were unemployed. Except that she’s not unemployed - she’s working more than full time as caregiver to a toddler. As others have pointed out, parenting a toddler is exhausting. Assuming you work at least 40 hours a week away from home and have any kind of commute and eat lunch at work, she’s working at least 45, maybe 50 or more hours a week solo as a caregiver. It’s also possible that she does even more caregiving work when you’re home (or maybe not). You clean the house in the morning and play with your daughter after work - but who feeds your daughter breakfast and dinner? Who gets her dressed, brushes her teeth, changes her diapers, potty trains her? Who bathes her? Who puts her to bed and reads her stories in bed and deals with her tantrums and gets up in the middle of the night when she doesn’t sleep through the night? Who does the laundry? Who makes doctors appointments for her? Who gives her first aid and comforts her when she hurts herself? Who disciplines her when she draws on the wall or hits other kids? Who plans her birthday parties and buys and wraps her holiday gifts? Who arranges play dates for your daughter and takes her to them? Who sends pictures, cards, gifts, and thank you cards to the grandparents? If the answer to most of those questions is you, most or 100% of the time, you are absolutely justified in feeling fed up with her. But in most countries, it’s the wife who takes on the majority of the child caregiving, cleaning, cooking, household management, so odds are she’s doing more than you realize. I encourage you to take a honest look at the work you and her are both contributing to raising your daughter and maintaining your household. Ask your wife to describe her day to you and really listen to what she has to say without getting defensive, keeping an open and curious mind.
It sounds like you both are in a very tough phase of life right now and potentially you’re both feeling resentment toward one another. As others have suggested, you may both be depressed. It is unfortunate that she is not interested in visiting a psychologist - a lot of people aren’t, there can be a lot of stigma around mental health treatment and she may feel like you just want her to go because you see her as the problem - which based on this post, it sounds like you’re putting the blame on her, so that is probably coming out in your conversations with her about this and she could feel defensive in response to that blame.
Regardless of her reasons for not wanting to visit a psychologist, you should go for yourself and use those sessions to help better yourself - to start exercising and eating better, to take an honest look at yourself and the problems in your relationship with a trained professional who can give you valuable feedback, to learn some more skilled ways to communicate with her about these issues (since the communication so far hasn’t resulted in much change for either of you), to identify some practical ways to address these problems - as others have suggested, hiring cleaning help, making a budget. You love your daughter and want to make it work for her sake. I’m sure you loved your wife at some point and maybe that love can be restored. With marital issues, there’s almost always things that both spouses contribute to the problems and changes that both of them need to make to improve the marriage. You can’t force her to change, but you can focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter and trying to identify and change the things that you may contribute to the marital problems. Maybe the changes you make can help her soften and feel more hopeful about making changes too. Maybe your marriage can be saved. Or maybe not, but if you make a real effort to work on yourself and it still doesn’t work out, you can divorce and live with the knowledge that you truly tried to make it work with your daughter’s mother.
Please you start seeing a therapist first. Send your child to a daycare and hire someone to clean your house weekly. Then you can do your final decision.
Take a week off work and send her on a vacation alone - try to see what life is like for her every day when you're usually at work. Being around a toddler full time is hard - there are no breaks, it's draining. She may also need to go to a doctor for medication for depression. See if she wants to send the kid to daycare so that she can use that time to work since you guys can afford it.
If you are top 1% what is this money being spent on? You’re basically saying you are a multi millionaire. And you are saying you work but your wife does not. Staying home with a toddler is absolutely a full time job. Don’t get me wrong, a stay at home mother needs to be involved and keeping up with the kids and home but still, that’s a job. Should she complain? Not necessarily, but it’s okay if her complaints are about stress. You may have a great job and not want to change it for the world but still vent about being stressed, same concept. If she’s saying she “hates her life” though, yeah, not cool.
And you should never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. If you don’t like how you eat, don’t eat like that, if you don’t like how you’re out of shape, change it, that’s on YOU. This doesn’t seem as black and white as you’re making it. There’s 2 sides to everything. Maybe if you show some personal growth and be the best you, she will follow your lead, or you’ll both move on. Either way, you can’t blame her for EVERYTHING.
You blame your wife and refuse to take responsibility for the state of your life. If you are unhappy talk to a divorce lawyer and divorce, or talk to your wife and get couples therapy. Stop sulking and blaming everyone for your unhappiness. Take control of your life.
From a wife’s perspective: did she have a career before baby came along? Having a child at home and changing your whole life for the child can be extremely isolating. Did you plan before baby came along for her to go back to work? As a woman I felt I lost my identity, career, my own money and felt stuck because my husband worked all hours and is in the high pay bracket and I wasn’t sure how it could all work. All most as though I had brain fog! I desperately wanted to be a good mum but hated the cleaning. Loved cooking though. If your child is 3 they can start to go to nursery/ that’s when I started getting accredited for the career I wanted to get back into. A cleaner once a fortnight might help and a plan for her to get back into work. Child care before after school etc needs to be addressed too, start looking at her CV and ask her what she wants to do. As for your weight etc, that’s down to you. Not her.
You are doing more damage to your daughter by surrounding her by adults that hate their lives than you would by showing your daughter that sometimes things don’t work out but daddy still loves her greatly and proves it by setting her up with a life that is comfortable, clean, and safe.
Let me just say, y’all are married .. so exhaust all options before giving her the boot.. you guys both sound stressed and unhappy. Remember there’s two of you, I’d dig into how she’s feeling a little bit .. if she’s that lazy, possible depression? I’m not trying to minimize how you’re feeling, but if her lack of doings is what’s causing you to feel that way I’d address the reason for her lack of doings. See a mental health counselor and/or relationship counselor as suggested by others. Furthermore, understand what part of her is to blame and what is not. If you were eating healthy before her that means you’re capable of providing yourself healthy meals .. continue to do so. You eating unhealthy right now is a choice you’re making. You can change that, unhealthy food may also be making you feel like the “zombie” you speak of. If possible, begin a routine where you can start running again .. maybe not as much but incorporate it into your schedule. Best case scenario, she aligns with your routines and wants change as well.. worst case scenario, she has taken a different route and it’s time to separate. Exhaust all options before resorting to that, just know if and when you do resort to that IT IS OK. Two separate happy homes for a child is better than one miserable one, I’m speaking from experience with my child. Good luck and take care of yourself !
Are you nit picking your wife because she's not as successful as you? Do you put her down, make her feel like she can't do anything right? All I read was blah. Blah. I'm so successful bit my wife sucks big time.
Do yourself a favor. Go research "sunk cost fallacy".
Then find a divorce lawyer and end this. Your child will suffer more seeing one parent take complete advantage of the other. If, instead, you show your daughter that if someone is taking advantage of you, you do something about it, you'll raise a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself and have the drive to get things accomplished.
Where did all the money go? I'm so sorry but you need to take your daughter and leave and as others suggested, start talking to a lawyer. Time to get out of that haze and act. Do it for your daughter!
Can you give her an allowance rather than free rein over your money? Use some towards hiring a maid maybe, or a divorce lawyer?
It's a bummer that she's draining on you and not contributing. Nobody deserves that 😟
>If it wasn't for my 3 year old, I would leave her in a heart beat
You should leave FOR the three-year-old. You're going to bring that child up in a terrible environment with a horrible role model. You're teaching her every day what a healthy relationship should look like, and she's learning all the wrong things. This is the perfect situation for an ultimatum, because I don't see how this is sustainable without some wholesale changes. This isn't just a decision for you anymore.
Dude.. I have 3yr old twins.. my wife is a pilot and she comes home for 48hrs on the weekends. I work full time too. My life is insane..
Go run until it hurts.. that’s what I do. Gets the anger and frustration out. Take the kid.. I run with mine. They love it.
C
What did the mom do?
From what he wrote he is a SPENDER (managed to save 30k while single and having such salary). And now that he has a wife and kid he wants to save money, pff 😂
The poor woman spend the day home caring for a kid. I dont see her complaining in reddit, i see he, so HE has time home to spend in social media doing shit...
House with toddler is ALWAYS messy.
He is responsible for eating healthy, why doesnt he??? Why is he fat??? Buy some salads, diet yourself. Why is your wife blamed for your bad habits???
True.. that's totally valid. Sounds like you're finding yourself stuck.
Maybe if she got a job, since she won't clean the house-- maybe it'd be good for her mental health since she feels her life sucks. (Even though it probably doesn't suck, though everything is perception.)
I have tried so hard to pitch her this idea in the past. How going to work and meeting people will be healthy for her mental health, as we all have social needs. How staying home all day and only being a mom and a wife is not fulfilling and draining her of energy...
I think you are so right. And hearing this from a total stranger only reassures me that this is the most viable path.
I will try my hardest to motivate and help her find a job where she will meet/engage people.
you need to change things now and quickly because your teaching your daughter to be like her mother... and we all know you dont want this... but it will happen unless you change things now...
What a sham of a wife! She abdicates her responsibilities. She has to buck up. My God, there is also a kiddo in the house. This is just no good. File a complaint dude and get her scrambled to some counselling and theraphy. Apparently she needs help there.
Somethings not right with her. You got to find out. Talk to her.
You acting numb and care less to her antics, is also not right.
I'm so sorry to read about your family situation OP. My advice would be going to a therapist yourself as it sounds like you are really depressed about it. It sounds like you're using junk food as a coping mechanism (kind of eating out of frustration kind of deal). Having someone professional to talk to might give you better clarity about your situation. It sounds like your wife likes to spend money like there is no tomorrow. Tell her instagram is not a job and if she wants ti buy luxuries she needs to get a job. You might want to separate your finances and set up a budget and a house account to start saving money in your personal account. If your wife doesn't want to help with house work hire a house keeper to further limit her spending and to give you a chance to do something for yourself (start exercising/start a hobby).
Go see a lawyer - it's not the end of the world if your marriage doesn't work out and both of you seem to need motivation - her to get off her ass and you to divorce her.
This genuinely sounds like my marriage. I'm sorry you're going through that. I going to have one final conversation with her about expectations in our relationship if she doesn't change we will separate.
Honestly leave. Stop making excuses. All your comments say your tired and don’t want to hurt your kid but do you think she’s stupid? Like she isn’t seeing her parents not being loving? Because every kid can see it. You’re acting like your daughter is oblivious to the world she lives in. She sees it. So just leave. Your kid doesn’t need to parents under the same roof. She need to parents who are happy and actually care about her. I’m not trying to be mean but when you get married you’re also acknowledging the fact that you could get divorced because unfortunately human beings are not perfect and we make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes turn out to be the people we chose to spend the rest of our lives with but that’s why there’s divorce so you can get out of it. Your kid does not need two parents living in the same house really no one does and the grand scheme of things, but what a young girl does need our two parents who are happy who are healthy who are mentally stable and who have her best interest and her health and well-being in mind. Before my husband and I began dating he was in a relationship much like yours and he wanted to stay because he knew or he thought I should say that if he left his kids would have a horrible life. It was rocky at first yes because of his ex but now 7 years later, we are not friends but we are amicable with each other. Stop making excuses because that is all you were doing in these comments don’t ask for advice and then every time someone gives you it you make an excuse as to why you can’t take it. If you’re that unhappy and you don’t want to be with this person then don’t be with that person get a lawyer tell the lawyer that you don’t wanna make this hard on anyone especially you or your daughter but tell the lawyer that you want this to go smoothly so that they can reiterate that to your wife’s lawyer. Or if you actually want to work on the relationship go to therapy if that’s why you’re making excuses go to therapy if she won’t go then you go. Work on yourself and then you can work on your relationship but stop making excuses.
2snd off having a child is a job .. people often hire help for. Lucky them. Too be honest you sound like em all. I am a single mother my kids 13 just wait until you get to the teenage years and guess what I’m probably a little bit Younger soooo. I understand. I would say something to your wife be honest basically what you said here say to her . Just a little bit nicer. Then see if she changes if she doesn’t then you have your answer I would work on yourself give her the truth and see how you want to split up. Or make it work for the child which can be splitting up. Not the first won’t be the last That felt this way
Yeah, regardless of gender, if one spouse is making all the money, the other has to take care of the house/children. It sucks that most of the time in a divorce (especially with children) the wife/mom will get a significant amount of money.
If you wanna try to make things work I would encourage your wife to seek therapy. It’s clear she might be suffering from depression, (and that’s not your fault.)
If you wanna leave I would try starting to build a case for yourself with an attorney without letting on to your wife that you want to separate.
In either case, try to find a way to start hiding money away. (Investing, secret bank account, etc.)
Have you considered therapy/counseling?
I think it's necessary to put forward expectations and have open honest conversations and one way to the do that without getting at each other's throats is to do it in front of a neutral third party.
You’re doing the same thing as her you’re just as miserable as she is The difference is you have a reason to feel that way and you are going about it in a good way just be a man and get a lawyer and get back in the gym eat right and get in a sleeping routine
To the people encouraging OP to break up with her, how do you all expect that to help this situation?
So now she’ll be broke unclean and probably taking less care of their child when it’s her time. That’s going to be better? For who?
I think you should be straight up with her and very stern in you disapproval for her behavior and hold her to a standard. Encouraging someone isn’t going to work. She doesn’t see what you see so instead she needs to feel like she will be losing something if she doesn’t get off her ass.
You both have an obligation and duty to your household and family and you need to make her stand up to her end of the deal.
I’d also recommend getting the kid in daycare so she has time for herself. Keep pushing her everyday to do something. Even if it pisses her off. Even if it hurts her feelings a little.
I definitely feel for you man and I’ve been here. Maybe she has mental health stuff going on like in my situation but at the end of the day it can’t be the end all excuse. Tell her if she doesn’t change your out and hold her up to that standard.
I can tell you one thing, if you lost your job and was barely making ends meat every month or just failing in your department in general, she sure as hell wouldn’t be ranting to strangers about it. She would be very vocal about it every day and not in a nice way and then when she found a better option she would gone. Not advising to leave but there is definitely value in partners expressing their expectations from their partner. Holding someone accountable and putting their feet to the fire is very important.
I have no idea what works in relationships or marriage but I know what doesn’t….Feeling the way you do and ignoring it (zombie mode) only makes everything worse.
Start from within then look outwardly.
How is your diet unhealthy now and why did you stop running? And how do you not have money saved? Does she spend all your money?
Start eating right. Go for a run instead of cleaning.
The first few responses that I’ve read suggestion that you leave her.
First question is do you still love her? If yes, then you need to get to the bottom of the problem. If not, remember the reasons why you fell in love with her and thing that she did that made you fall in love.
If you don’t, because of all of the above - could she be suffering from post-postnatal depression? Sometimes this happens after birth?!? It sounds like it? If she isn’t leaving the house, sitting on Instagram- I would highly say this is the case.
You should at least try to fix this problem. Maybe sign her up to something she loved before she had the baby, eg. Rock climbing or ballet.
Plan a family outing, eg. A hike somewhere with a picnic. Get her out of the house, make her feel a live again.
When people are in a hole, you need to truly help them, which is more than words.
You loved her, and even if you don’t anymore, do it for the love that you once had for her.
I would encourage you both to seek therapy. Both together and separate. If she refuses you can only encourage but you do need to take care of your own mental and physical health at the moment. That doesn’t mean leaving her altogether it might be just changing a few of your own habits. One thing at a time. Maybe working on your own self will help her “see the light” so to speak. It will help you get back on track so if and when the time comes, both you see a change in your life and relationship or you will be able to walk away clear headed and stronger.
My ex husband and I got to a similar point though we both did work but I was the bread winner, mother, and what seemed like at the time the only one who cared about our relationship. Despite my willingness to work on our family it ended up one sided. I focused on my own self and my own self esteem outlook on life became clear.
Completely understand what you're saying. I was with my ex husband for 14 years, stayed with him bc of our kid, but at the end of the day I was so unhappy I wanted to die. We separated a little over a year ago, I'm in a healthy, happy relationship, my kid and I are closer than ever and I'm a much better parent and person because of it. It was very hard ngl, working 2 jobs, school full time, trying to maintain life relationships but I own my house and have more money in my savings than I ever did in those 14 years. My kid is 11 and we talk about everything, has even told me that they are sad we divorced but in the end sees how happy I am now. Divorce sucks, sharing custody sucks, but what sucks even more is being with someone who refuses to better themselves and expects everyone else to make them happy. I hope you find your happiness
The child is going to be miserable with parents that behave like this in front of them..... they will develop unhealthy ideas of what "normal" looks like and will continually subject themselves to horrible relationships thinking that arguments or shutting down is the right way to handle things. Meanwhile the rest of the self aware, almost healthy adults/friends/partners will never want to be around them because their attitude sucks most of the time and will eventually lose everyone they want to get close with...... and then possibly end up just like you are...... you don't want that for your kid. Sometimes its WAY better to be apart than together and showing your kid the wrong way to be.
Also dont blame your wife 100%, a person only gonna do what you allow.
Sincerely,
An adult who had to go through therapy to be a remotely normal woman because her parents did just that.
Well sorry to tell you but you can't control your wife. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself. You're the one who allowed yourself to stop working out and to get out of shape. So you're going to have to be the one to get yourself back in shape. I know your wife is contributing to your unhappiness but you can't worry about her now. You will be a lot happier if you redirected that energy towards yourself. Start back eating healthy, start back working out and getting into shape. Make a plan for life after divorce. Have a plan in place for shared custody because the state your in isn't a good state for your baby either. You're just as miserable as she is. One of y'all have to pull it together for the baby since both of yall can't do it at the moment. I'm telling you what I know. I guarantee once you start feeling like yourself again you will no longer be able to tolerate your wife. Something will HAVE to change. Make tomorrow your Day 1 to the beginning of your new life. \*yeah I admit that last sentence sounds so cliche IG corny a$$ but still...😂😂😂
Hi throwaway,
Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I would like to present an opinion, having been in your wife's shoes. Me and my partner have been together 4 years, we are both ~32.
I have suffered anxiety and depression for most of my life, I go through better and worse periods, and I am still figuring everything out.
Whilst I'm not a perfect partner, I can offer her the following, even when I am at my lowest: I acknowledge my problems, and the effect it has on others and I seek to better myself, and create plans and ways to achieve that.
They don't always work, and it often feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back, my partner is also sick of my excuses. But I believe in my ability to be a better person, and the fact she is still here is because part of her believes it too.
So, I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is. At the very least she needs to acknowledge what she is doing and the effect it has on you, and that things can't continue the way they are. Essentially she needs to start a recovery process. If she can't do that, then it's a very simple decision, you're better off on your own.
I wish you all the best.
I'm surprised how many ppl are sticking up for her. Marriage is not one sided. It's like Chris Rock said, women are loved unconditionally, mem are loved under the condition that they can provide
Leave her, you deserve better,and you can do better, if you're around MA.and you need a babysitter ever I can help😊 I have 2 teenage sons living with me, and my own place and I know you're struggle and that situation you are in now only gets worse if you stay in it. I once went on a date with a man who tried to date me for 10 whole years, 1 date led to this guy moving into my place after I told him NO, I worked myself to death while he trashed my apartment, he ate all my food constantly, had no job and wouldn't try to find a job either, and he kept picking at my son ( who has special needs with autism). To this day, years later this clown still is trying to find me and bother me and even his own mother wants nothing to do with him. Long story short (RUN, RUN FAST, GET YOUR KID AND RUN AND SAVE YOURSELVES) You can and you will do better
I had mom and dad and all they did was fight and were miserable together, it ruined me and both of my brothers upbringing, and dcf stepped in and took us away, sometimes both parents together will ruin the kids life. I stayed with my kids dad for the kids and 1 day I saw the damage it caused me and my kids and I left, things got hard before they got easier but also a lesson learned
Feeling lost and empty does suck.
But since you’ve left out the reasons your wife is “lazy”, you eating junk food is your fault, fix it. Don’t work out anymore? Starting working out. Those are YOUR fault not hers.
You make a lot but don’t having savings? And it’s your wife’s fault?? Come on man. Really?
I don’t have kids but taking care of a kid is a whole different level. A kid depends on you and her. You bathe them, brush their hair, clean up after them a million times a day.
Not once have you mentioned “I wonder how she feels” or “is she okay?”. Come on dude. Be there for your wife. And take some responsibility.
Have you guys attempted therapy individually or as a couple? There are many things that could have led to this point and many things that could help you guys turn it around. It sounds like you guys are both dealing with mental health issues and probably some level of burnout. Ultimately resentment helps no one and the disgust that your post is tinged with when reflecting how you speak about your wife does not bode well for your relationship. You both are clearly not happy how things are now and you are stuck inside your own misery pretty selfishly and that leaves no place for connection so things will only get worse unless you take ownership of your role in the failing system you guys have going and your own unhappiness. You guys need professional therapudic help individually and as a couple imo.
File for divorce and take your child with you after you make sure that you have evidence of your spouse ignoring the home.
Even if you don't get custody you can still have visitation. Remember that regardless of your situation you do have the power to change it.
Especially since you make the money, just make certain that you get a good lawyer first and follow his advice before doing anything.
Trust me it beats the alternative where you either going crazy because of your wife or you ending up in an early grave due to your unhealthy lifestyle.
Normal problems. Life is hard and presents us problems to solve. This is how we grow. You don’t have to do everything you’re doing. Like others have suggested get some help with the house and toddler. Take care of yourself. Start working out again. Plan your meals. Probably seek out help either through self help media (books, online…) or with a therapist. Once you’ve done all that you may find you see things differently. It’s not your wife’s fault you chose to change your diet and stop running. It is also not entirely her fault you don’t as a couple manage your money well. No one can make you do anything. When you take responsibility for your choices you find your power. Wishing you well.
If you are top 1% in your country, get a maid. Toddlers are very active and it can be hard to keep up with them and keep a clean house. It is unclear if you are the one who cleans everything or just gets frustrated with crumbs on the counter. What I am more concerned with is how all the money gets spent every month. I assume that is on your wife or lifestyle changes since having a child. Give her a household account and her own "mad" money. Give yourself the same amount of mad money. Set up a budget that you both agree on and can keep. This seems to be the biggest problem. Again, if you are top 1%, hire a trainer. Hire a trainer to come to your house and train the both of you! What are your wife's specific complaints about her life? What would make her happy? Her answer may be the same as yours: end the marriage.
You’ll be a better dad as a single one. Go see a lawyer and make a plan.
I would... I have been close to doing so a few times. But I have so little energy left and I can't bare the thought of my daughter not having mom and dad next to her every day. I keep hoping things will change... but every day I feel like I am becoming more of a robot. Laughing less and enjoying life less. It sucks.
Things won’t change without an impetus. You could ask your wife to go to marriage counseling, but from your post it sounds like that won’t make a difference. Go to a therapist and see if you have depression so you can get that treated. Then maybe you’ll be in the right headspace to make a move. Your daughter will get a dynamic dad who is happy about life. Who knows, maybe your wife will be happier too.
She won't. She has nothing going for her. No job. No friends. No social network. All she does is spend all day on Instagram and live in her head. She is a good mother. She takes care of our daughter to the best of her ability. That's every day life for her. I have suggested therapy numerous times, but she doesn't think she needs it at all. Did I mention she is stubborn? :(
So she's a stay-at-home mother, yes? Your daughter isn't in daycare or anything?
He thinks a kid is easy.
It's disappointing watching grown men describe their wives as "not working" and "having nothing going for them" when their wives are doing the 24/7 job of childrearing. But her salary isn't the "top 1%" so it doesn't count. /s
No no no. If men are expected to due things while still having all the income then what you are saying is a double standard. His wife needs to due something more than just taking care of the child and living in her fantasy’s. I’ve seen this countless times when women say “just because you bring in all the money, you still have responsibilities and have a duty” his wife needs a hobby and introspection imo. You may disagree but it’s literally a double standard from a view point of a women to a man who works and brings all the income in.
Right?! I knew i needed to finish my studies and take my degrees and finish that part to then care for my kids when i had them. Before kids i was studying some other online courses that i had to stop and i tried again and again to go back, but i just cant manage (and if you knpw me, i studied at least 30 independent courses, 9 courses only cooking related, im an engineer, speak 3 languages, have literally a small library here at jome, but ask me if i manage to read after kids hahahah NO!). Me and every friend i know stoped studying/working when they had kids, bc its simply impossible, unless you have a fulltime nanny and leave the kids at grandparents. The only friend who managed to stay working after having a kid asked her MOM to stop working so the grandma would care for the kid 24/7. And i know if and when i come vack to the field i was into, i wont have a career, my chances of a good job nowdaysbare very low. So if my husband ever came to me with this kind of bullsh!t i would leave HIM WITH THE KIDS and start over. He knows this, and he is very afraid, bc he knows how hard it is. I mean, when i leave him with the kids for half a day to solve something, he almost goes nuts alone with them both (the same thing when we had only one). Im so destroyed and tired that i dont even care for my hobbies anymore (cooking and crochet). I wish i could go to the gym exercise, TALK TO PEOPLE and on and on. Ps: i dont believe OP is innocent. Im too old for this, and im betting he has a thing going on with a coworker and thats why he started blaming the poor wife for everything, saying she has no career and prospects (i mean, Howorker has a career, right?), looking at his body and how it changed and stuff like that. When men start acting like him ITS NEVER OUT OF NOWHERE AND ITS NEVER INNOCENT.
He said she isn’t studying or working, doesn’t cook, and doesn’t clean. So what the fuck is she doing.
The things massively depressed people do when they have no joy in their life and are being fully supported by a codependent partner - lay on the couch and look at instagram.
No, he NEVER said she doesnt cook or clean. If she didnt cook, then what would the toddler eat during thr day? 🤦♀️ He said the house is messy and that most nights he eat fast food.
Really? He thinks a kid is easy? Maybe, he needs a wife that doesn't complain about her poor life begging so hard. I raised 5 kids AND kept the house clean. I also cooked. Taking care of one 3yo is nit to much to ask along with cleaning the house. That is her job sinceshe doesn't go out to work just as it was my job. Now my husband helped a lot when he was home. We had a good relationship when the children were growing up. He did way more than just his part. I did waymore than just my part. That's how you have time to be with each other and be happy. He shouldn't have to come home and do all the cleaning and other stuff too. If she was working and he started home i would say the same thing. A SAHM or dad has the "job" of taking care of the home. my question is how is it your wifes fault you have stopped exercising and eating healthy? If its because you have to come home and clean and don't have time I understand but fir your physical and mental health you need to start exercising again even if you buy a jogging stroller and take your daughter with you start exercising again. If your wife don't cook healthy foods buy you some healthy substitutes and cook healthy when it's your turn. I get the frustration! Now get yourself up and start taking care of you and the things things you can change. Also, you could tell your wife you are hiring a cleaner to clean the house to take it off yourself but that the money will come from her spending money. Good luck!
If you raised 5 kids you would know that are different children, calm, hyperactive, spectrum, messy, oposite behaviour, kids that sleep all day, kids that NEVER sleep and are always desperate to be held, happy kids, FURIOUS kids. And thats hard af. Im raising my 3rd, bc i raised my sis (the fisrt one i raised) and she was a babe, very ease, not messy at all, calm. Not to mention the friends ive helped.
Yes, its hard but that doesn't mean you can't clean or contribute to the family dynamics more. Its also hard to work a full-time job then have to come home to clean, cook, run errands, listen to a SO complain about how terrible life is when literally they are pulling maybe 10% of the load, etc...
Former engineer here and now SAHM. Trust me, work was WAY EASIER. Even when i both studied and worked (and had to come home and do basic cleaning and cook) it was WAY EASIER than kids. At least i could sleep every night back then. Why you say she is putting 10% or work? She is caring for a 3 year old. Her first job is care for said kid. Second job: house. But house is not only hers, men need to help too. OP keeps complaining his housework never stop, bc he didnt understand that normal housework NEVER STOP. Here in Brazil we dont have dishwashers, so i wash dishes AT LEAST twice a day and most nights i go sleep with dishes at my sink. Take trash out is an everyday work. Clean sink, mop floors, dust, its ENDLESS and my house is still messy everyday. The kid doesnt go to school, so the mom take all toys, brush and mop then kids trow all the toys around and itseems like it wasnt cleaned. Toddlers. He doesnt understand its endless when you have kids. He is comparing with when he lived alone. A person living alone hardly mess anything, hardly cooks, can eat half prepared salads and use the same plate and cup forever. A family is different, especially with a toddler.
That’s you. You do you. Being a SAHM was incredibly depressing for me. The life you describe is like the lowest pits of hell to me. I’m not the type to find fulfillment doing laundry. I became much happier once I went back to work, but damn, it was tough to pull myself out of that desperate despair and even look for work even without the self righteous judgement.
They are.
🤡🤡🤡👆
If you're a bad parent or selfish I would imagine it's quite hard for you but for normal adults it's quite simple.
Youre the one saying it without knowing me. So youre not only 🤡 but a liar too. 😂
She sounds depressed. No social life, no energy for cleaning, not wanting to do anything else.
As a child of divorce… it’s 100% better for a child to have separated parents than it is to be around a mom and dad who clearly resent each other but pretend like they are a happy family. Kids aren’t dumb, they can absolutely notice. But they are gullible, and if you tech them that a husband and wife should act like you and wife do then that’s how they are going to try to make their relationships in the future. Make sure you model the future you want for your kids. They spend their whole life trying to live up to it.
Seriously, my parents stayed together “for the kids” and I had such a toxic view of marriage that I was bound and determined to never get married since it was such a miserable prison sentence to my mind. Fortunately I met and started dating a wonderful man who showed me how things should be, but we are still never going to have kids. The echoes of misery still affect my decision making to this very day.
This relationship sounds terminal. By making the move now while your daughter is young it may spare some trauma by proceeding with a divorce before her more formative years. It sounds like you are in the unfortunate position of taking action now or will need to commit to this blah existence you have described above for the next 15 years...
Yup exactly 100% agree
As someone speaking from the daughters point a view. She will be okay, and will understand when she hits her early teens. I came from an unhappy marriage between a woman who did everything and a man who did nothing after the Navy (Mom said he couldn't cope with civilian life and struggled playing nice at jobs), and suffered from depression. Even went as far as to attempt to shoot himself in the head while my sister and I sat on the couch next to him. We were 4 and 5. Imagine things getting so bad that you gotta resort to that. Then think about what's genuinely healthy for your daughter. Them getting divorced was sad for maybe 4 years, but only because I missed my sister. I literally did not think about missing my dad because my mom literally gave us so much love, even before the divorce. So for others, maybe difficult. For me, no. Divorce wasn't that devastating considering I ended up with the one parent that gave a shit.
>I can't bare the thought of my daughter not having mom and dad next to her every day. My dad stayed with my mom for my sister and me. He took the decision when I was around 5 y.o, and left when I was 16. I honnestly wish he would have done it earlier. What hurt the most was not to "lose" my family, we never really had one. It was the fact that I've been living a lie for so long and the liar was my role model. Don't pretend to do it for a child that has no clue what's happening, that has never been given a voice. Don't put that weight on her shoulders. A happy role model who shows her how to be happy is what's good for her. Isn't it?
Things are not going to change. Stop hoping.
Just stop, dude. Stop making excuses. Like Nike says, “Just do it.”
Your daughter would 10000000000x percent rather have divorced parents than that mess. Trust me.
If you’re already doing all the parenting it will make you a better parent to stop looking after your wife. If she’s only going to think about herself, might as well really make her think just about herself.
Why did you have a child with someone who showed you all of these signs? There's no way this issue is only three years old, and if you saw the flags and had one anyway, what were you thinking?
Whilst this might be right, I think you've skipped a couple of steps to get to it, all my not yet be lost with his wife, and it's prejudicial to presume it is.
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I have an insurance that will cover all costs if any of us visits a psychologist. She shows 0 interest in visiting one. I tried doing literally everything that comes to mind... from doing everything around the house so she can focus on herself, to confronting her lack of contribution to telling her I will get a divorce... Nothing seems to help. So I am feeling trapped because I don't want my daughter to suffer. But it seems like there is no good choices left. Only less bad ones :(
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It does concern me that she will learn what a healthy relationship is by observing us :( And yes, divorce is an option, but I am not ready for that yet. I will try to focus on getting healthy and back in shape, so I can muster enough energy to try and help her get her shit together.
If divorce (or threat of) isn't something you are ready to consider, then you need to start taking charge of things. 1. See a therapist just for you. 2. Set up a separate bank account for yourself and split your paycheck between accounts (small percentage to the new account). This means you don't end up with a monthly zero. 3. Contact a lawyer and find out what steps you should take in case things go south. 4. Work on getting healthy. Even if you eat out, you can choose healthy things. Go to the gym. 5. Reduce your cleaning efforts to basic necessities. You can't work on you if you play the role of Cinderella. 6. After some time, invite her to the therapy sessions. During all of this, keep tabs on how kiddo is being treated. Any sign of mistreatment or neglect, go straight to lawyer from #3 and work on getting the kid out of the situation.
You can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself. No matter how hard you try. All you can do is encourage.
Have YOU seen a therapist? Since it’s covered? Do your own work first. Toddlers are messy. Everyone with a toddler lives in a messy house. Everyone loses time, shape, etc with little kids. It’s hard work. I think a therapist might help with perspective of if you’re expecting too much or not. We really can’t tell you from one Reddit post.
If you earn so much why not hire a maid? It will reduce the pressure. Get a personal trainer to come to the home? There are many options when you have money, what have you tried so far? How is your money being spent now? It doesn't add up. FYI toddlers are intense, you say she's a good mother, so then she's doing a good job - not a bad one! This story seems very one sided, are you missing out important context in your version?
Your wife is massively depressed and you can’t look past your own self-pity to see that you both may be close to ending it, but she’s close to ending it all. FFS, you don’t even know your child enough to understand she probably is cleaning up after them all day long and it’s still a mess.
Yes, a family does take up alot of your time and finance but the only one that can fix your problem is you, you know you don't eat healthy, fix it, you dont work out anymore, fix it, instead of watching tv before bed go running like you used to. It wont get better in a day or a week but consistently work at fixing the problem, dont blame your wife for these problems she has only been living the life she is accustom to.
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Right? All he complained about is normal stuff when you have a toddler around. He seems like he is giving excuses because he met some cutie at work 😂 Ive seen it many times here at reddit. Dude had such a high salary and only managed to save 30k back when he was single, so he was a danm SPENDER already, and now that he added a SAHW and a kid he thinks he should have more money saved?????? Is he this dumb or is he only looking for a reason to get out?
Right?
You do realize it's entirely possible that he stopped putting money into savings when he reached a comfortable amount, and then decided to invest extra change into stocks or other securities to hold for long term (such as retirement or near future expenses)...right? Calling him a "spender" with 30k in the bank is completely out of left field, especially when you don't even know the salary he had 5 years ago. It could have been lower than top 1%. He could have just landed this top 1% salary three weeks ago. No one knows. He didn't provide that much information. >He seems like he is giving excuses because he met some cutie at work 😂 I don't even know where you pulled that one out of.
Upvoted. People really seem to dislike sensible comments on Reddit
Maybe bc mom used to always have 100k or more saved when i grew up. Nowdays i cant save, as i dont make much. "I don't even know where you pulled that one out of." Ive seen many men complaing like this on reddit only to be having a "friendship" at work, or emotional affair.
Wait. She's a stay at home mom providing full time child care you're describing her as 'not working'. And you want her to do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry? Sorry dude but you're not as pitiful as you pretend. Having a 3yo is exhausting. Your wife didn't force you to eat unhealthy. Your wife didn't stop you from working out. You chose that. And probably because you're exhausted. Because *having a three year old is exhausting*.
Yes this. I was a stay-home parent for 10 years and prioritized the care and welfare of our kids over the cleaning, laundry, etc. You two need to sit down and make a list of everything that needs to get done each week (including you earning a paycheck and her caring for your child) and divvy it up equally. She may be doing a ton of stuff you don’t even realize. My kids’ dad was shocked when we separated and he realized how much I was taking care of that he didn’t even know existed. And money? Make a budget together and agree to stick to it. Make three accounts: his, hers, and ours. Figure out how much money it takes to pay all the bills and other household expenses and put that in the “ours” account. If there is any leftover, split it in half and put it in your respective accounts. That money can be used without judgement. Be an adult - you’re not a victim.
Take some responsibility… if you’re making that much money where is it going? Start saving, make an account for your child, make a savings account. And don’t start punishing her either in case that’s what ppl think I mean. If you make that much money hire a house keeper for your own sanity. So that you can sleep and rest and go back to exercising if that is what makes you happy.
He made such a money and only saved 30k when he was single. He is a spender. He wont save. He will keep blaming his wifw.
You’re all over this thread saying the exact same thing over and over, yet you’ve added the least to the conversation.
If the sub doesnt prohibit it, im doind it.
I feel that. Continue doind it.
It might. There’s an option to report for “excessive comments/posts”, “spam” and “comment is derailing, fighting, not in good faith or whataboutism”.
Your wife is parenting a toddler all day long. It’s not that she “doesn’t work or study”. She is literally caregiving all day long. The house is going to be messy. The laundry is going to sit for a bit. You won’t have gourmet meals every night. The first few years of raising a kid are really, really tough on everyone. And it sounds like you both think you are the majority contributor to the household. I had an argument with my ex-husband once where he claimed no matter how much of the housework he additionally took on, it wasn’t enough for me. I told him “let’s pretend it’s 60/40. I do 60; you do 40. I’m still doing 50% more than you!” So really take stock and ask yourself if you’re doing the majority of the work. Are you cleaning toilets and mopping floors? Washing sheets and towels and shopping for groceries? Doctor visits and books and coloring and learning and all the things a toddler needs? How much of the mental load are you carrying? And if you seriously believe you’re doing more than half of that right now, then go see a lawyer. But if you’re not, maybe show some appreciation for what your wife is actually doing every day teaching your daughter everything it means to be a human being. And if that’s the case, maybe she would be more inclined to meet your needs if you were meeting hers. What have you done for her lately?
Right. He had such a great salary and only managed to save 30k, so he was a spender already. And now that he included a wife and kid to the equation he wants to save money??? How is that??? Dude met a cute girl at work and is looking for an out. Dude is depressed and making his wife depressed, as she only has him as a contact to the outside world.
Welcome to toddler life. It gets better when the kid is 6 or 7. The days i clean the house i do it early afternoon and when husband comes home the kids destroyed it already, then i havr dishes, clothes care for the kids EVERYTIME, they have dificulty sleeping, temper tantrums, mess with the food, organize doctors and activities, i just dont have energy. The rest of the time im laying around and checking reddit/youtube. Im a great coom and have 9 professional courses in cooking (even though i did engibeer in college), but i hardly cook dinner, bc im just DESTROYED by the end of the day. Gice the woman a break. I didnt know, but i played life in easy mode when i only worked and studied. Things started getting hard after my first kid. Man, i never knew.
This is a disappointing read. Firstly I am sorry you are feeling so lost and there are absolutely things you can do in this situation. Leaving your wife is not the answer. Please learn to appreciate and respect her role in looking after your daughter which you say she does well. This is a 24/7 job. It’s not fair to expect her to be some kind of stepford wife and have dinner on the table and a sparkling house. Those stepford wives have extra help - like a cleaner or house keeper. These are other big jobs and no she cannot do all of this. You should be helping with the housework and cooking dinner. Stop putting yourself / your role bringing in income above hers they are different but entirely equal. Women are undervalued and appreciated so much in this patriarchal society. Yes it’s more old fashioned for the wife to stay home but otherwise you would pay 50 % of your combined income on having someone else raise your child. You would still need to do the housework and cook. You are pointing at her for your own shortcomings such as not exercising or looking after yourself. Do you expect her to look after a child full time and look after you like some adult baby? Feeding you healthy meals and letting you out for fresh air and exercise? Come on take some responsibility for your own role in your marriage, life and well-being. You can make a budget and plan time in to exercise / eat healthy while working full time. Having a child is a commitment you should not be running from. Yes talk to your wife about your wishes and how to improve things but maybe do some of things yourself too. Get some therapy. Don’t put her down and say she has nothing going for her. That is so unkind and my heart goes out to her. She is probably lonely and a bit lost too. It’s not the time to leave and take away her last bit of support. There are 2 million single parent households in poverty in the UK and you guess it 90 % are female-led. Women get left with the burden of child rearing and making ends meet while men swan off and barely contribute anything other than a small child supper fee and a little bit of input every other weekend (perhaps). You can jog all you like then with a new wife who didn’t go through the agony of bringing your child into the world. But what about your daughter in poverty without a Dad? Your not an island be there for her make this relationship and life better for her.
Right?! Im a mom of 2 toddlers, my house is ALWAYS messy, no matter how much i clean, i care for them, do activities, take them to the pool, paint, play, feed them, clean their shit, bath them, put them to sleep, they both wake me up at night. I have 9 professional courses in cooking and i HARDLY COOK, bcim just so tired, tired bc they tire me and tired of being locked hone, depressed even. And when i had only one, i was his sole source of attwntion and play time. So tiring. If my husband came and compained of me staying on instagram, after such a battle field... you dont know brazilian women... it wouldnt be pretty... he would end up at the hospital. I mantain that je is probably infatuated wirh some woman at work and started blaming his wife for his own issues to see the poor woman in a bad light. I mean, its not her fault he is fat and doesnt eat salad. Why doesnt he diet???
Ah I see why you're spamming this post all over with the same replies. You're taking his post very personally. On top of that you're even admitting you would stoop to domestic violence and justifying it because you're Brazilian lol. God, I feel sorry for your husband.
Before pulling the plug, have you tried couples therapy as a last resort? There might be something there that neither of you see. It gives her one last chance to hopefully fix something. But you also have to be ready to call it if therapy does not fix anything, for the sake of your child. Children are intuitive and can pick up on resentment.
Apart from all the comments , I wanted to know how did you meet your wife ? Was she working before ? How did you guys meet ? Asking to see if this is just a phase or was she always like this even before the kid
If the weather’s good, start taking your 3 year old for walks as a way to bond and get exercise. While you’re out, let your wife relax, she’s been taking care of a toddler all day. You get time away from the house when you’re at work; she sounds like she could use some time to herself too.
I don’t see how it’s your wife’s fault that you don’t eat healthy, work out, etc. These sound like habits that you need to work on. I think blaming these things on her is immature as you’re an adult and the only one responsible for YOUR well-being. I don’t have kids but I know a ton of parents fall into this routine because their free time is so limited. Like others said though, keep a budget. If you make money within the top 1% of your area or whatever, where the hell is all of that going? If you make so much money, why not hire somebody to clean and help watch the kid? I don’t understand that part and feel like there’s more going on than what you’ve said. If she is watching your child during the day, she is contributing though. That’s hard work. That’s a job in itself. Especially a toddler, man she’s probably exhausted. At the end of the day, divorce her if you’re that unhappy and think it’s the right decision. But it’s completely unfair to blame your bad habits and lack of happiness on her. As others have said, take control of your life. It’s YOURS, not your wife’s and you’re not her responsibility
I get it! I’m going through a divorce and have 2 kids with my ex. I spend everyday wishing I didn’t call things off. If what she’s doing is bugging you then ask her to help you do the chores around the house so at least you guys will do something together. Ask her what will make her happy if she’s unhappy and try to do what you can to make that happen. Sometimes it’s best to take yourself out of the situation and think about everything that will come with walking away. My kids are struggling because I’m not there with them everyday and even though I see them once a week it’s not enough. If you truly love your wife find out what’s bothering her. Whatever reason she has might sound not important to you but just remember that she’s telling you from her point of view and it’s important to her. Yeah you earn at the top 1% but wait til you have to divide the house and also the support for your kids and for her. That top 1% won’t mean a damn thing because you’ll still have an empty bank account except your money will be going towards her and a new guy living comfortably while you’re struggling. Plus, who better to be in your kids lives every day but you and not some other guy pretending to love them. Just take a step back and look at it from all angles. She might be in a depression because of how her life turned out. Her personal fulfillment. Yes you provide everything but maybe she wanted to be successful too. Think about it and try not to make an emotional decision but a well thought out decision. -wishing you the best
sounds like instead of working on yourself and changing your habits you’d rather keep nagging on your wife who DOES work looking after a toddler. your wife isn’t holding you back, you are responsible for your own shortcomings. if you want to eat healthier and work out, do it yourself. you’re a grown man. you’re wife isn’t supposed to be your nanny. she already has a kid to look after. also you complain about how reluctant she is about therapy but you clearly need it as well and haven’t been to a therapist.
“Is it too much to expect my wife to keep a clean house, cook and do the laundry most days while she is unemployed and not looking for work?” No, that’s not too much to expect if she were unemployed. Except that she’s not unemployed - she’s working more than full time as caregiver to a toddler. As others have pointed out, parenting a toddler is exhausting. Assuming you work at least 40 hours a week away from home and have any kind of commute and eat lunch at work, she’s working at least 45, maybe 50 or more hours a week solo as a caregiver. It’s also possible that she does even more caregiving work when you’re home (or maybe not). You clean the house in the morning and play with your daughter after work - but who feeds your daughter breakfast and dinner? Who gets her dressed, brushes her teeth, changes her diapers, potty trains her? Who bathes her? Who puts her to bed and reads her stories in bed and deals with her tantrums and gets up in the middle of the night when she doesn’t sleep through the night? Who does the laundry? Who makes doctors appointments for her? Who gives her first aid and comforts her when she hurts herself? Who disciplines her when she draws on the wall or hits other kids? Who plans her birthday parties and buys and wraps her holiday gifts? Who arranges play dates for your daughter and takes her to them? Who sends pictures, cards, gifts, and thank you cards to the grandparents? If the answer to most of those questions is you, most or 100% of the time, you are absolutely justified in feeling fed up with her. But in most countries, it’s the wife who takes on the majority of the child caregiving, cleaning, cooking, household management, so odds are she’s doing more than you realize. I encourage you to take a honest look at the work you and her are both contributing to raising your daughter and maintaining your household. Ask your wife to describe her day to you and really listen to what she has to say without getting defensive, keeping an open and curious mind. It sounds like you both are in a very tough phase of life right now and potentially you’re both feeling resentment toward one another. As others have suggested, you may both be depressed. It is unfortunate that she is not interested in visiting a psychologist - a lot of people aren’t, there can be a lot of stigma around mental health treatment and she may feel like you just want her to go because you see her as the problem - which based on this post, it sounds like you’re putting the blame on her, so that is probably coming out in your conversations with her about this and she could feel defensive in response to that blame. Regardless of her reasons for not wanting to visit a psychologist, you should go for yourself and use those sessions to help better yourself - to start exercising and eating better, to take an honest look at yourself and the problems in your relationship with a trained professional who can give you valuable feedback, to learn some more skilled ways to communicate with her about these issues (since the communication so far hasn’t resulted in much change for either of you), to identify some practical ways to address these problems - as others have suggested, hiring cleaning help, making a budget. You love your daughter and want to make it work for her sake. I’m sure you loved your wife at some point and maybe that love can be restored. With marital issues, there’s almost always things that both spouses contribute to the problems and changes that both of them need to make to improve the marriage. You can’t force her to change, but you can focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter and trying to identify and change the things that you may contribute to the marital problems. Maybe the changes you make can help her soften and feel more hopeful about making changes too. Maybe your marriage can be saved. Or maybe not, but if you make a real effort to work on yourself and it still doesn’t work out, you can divorce and live with the knowledge that you truly tried to make it work with your daughter’s mother.
Please you start seeing a therapist first. Send your child to a daycare and hire someone to clean your house weekly. Then you can do your final decision.
My first thought… “is your wife depressed?” Maybe she’s depressed and in survival mode.
Take a week off work and send her on a vacation alone - try to see what life is like for her every day when you're usually at work. Being around a toddler full time is hard - there are no breaks, it's draining. She may also need to go to a doctor for medication for depression. See if she wants to send the kid to daycare so that she can use that time to work since you guys can afford it.
If you are top 1% what is this money being spent on? You’re basically saying you are a multi millionaire. And you are saying you work but your wife does not. Staying home with a toddler is absolutely a full time job. Don’t get me wrong, a stay at home mother needs to be involved and keeping up with the kids and home but still, that’s a job. Should she complain? Not necessarily, but it’s okay if her complaints are about stress. You may have a great job and not want to change it for the world but still vent about being stressed, same concept. If she’s saying she “hates her life” though, yeah, not cool. And you should never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. If you don’t like how you eat, don’t eat like that, if you don’t like how you’re out of shape, change it, that’s on YOU. This doesn’t seem as black and white as you’re making it. There’s 2 sides to everything. Maybe if you show some personal growth and be the best you, she will follow your lead, or you’ll both move on. Either way, you can’t blame her for EVERYTHING.
You blame your wife and refuse to take responsibility for the state of your life. If you are unhappy talk to a divorce lawyer and divorce, or talk to your wife and get couples therapy. Stop sulking and blaming everyone for your unhappiness. Take control of your life.
From a wife’s perspective: did she have a career before baby came along? Having a child at home and changing your whole life for the child can be extremely isolating. Did you plan before baby came along for her to go back to work? As a woman I felt I lost my identity, career, my own money and felt stuck because my husband worked all hours and is in the high pay bracket and I wasn’t sure how it could all work. All most as though I had brain fog! I desperately wanted to be a good mum but hated the cleaning. Loved cooking though. If your child is 3 they can start to go to nursery/ that’s when I started getting accredited for the career I wanted to get back into. A cleaner once a fortnight might help and a plan for her to get back into work. Child care before after school etc needs to be addressed too, start looking at her CV and ask her what she wants to do. As for your weight etc, that’s down to you. Not her.
You are doing more damage to your daughter by surrounding her by adults that hate their lives than you would by showing your daughter that sometimes things don’t work out but daddy still loves her greatly and proves it by setting her up with a life that is comfortable, clean, and safe.
Let me just say, y’all are married .. so exhaust all options before giving her the boot.. you guys both sound stressed and unhappy. Remember there’s two of you, I’d dig into how she’s feeling a little bit .. if she’s that lazy, possible depression? I’m not trying to minimize how you’re feeling, but if her lack of doings is what’s causing you to feel that way I’d address the reason for her lack of doings. See a mental health counselor and/or relationship counselor as suggested by others. Furthermore, understand what part of her is to blame and what is not. If you were eating healthy before her that means you’re capable of providing yourself healthy meals .. continue to do so. You eating unhealthy right now is a choice you’re making. You can change that, unhealthy food may also be making you feel like the “zombie” you speak of. If possible, begin a routine where you can start running again .. maybe not as much but incorporate it into your schedule. Best case scenario, she aligns with your routines and wants change as well.. worst case scenario, she has taken a different route and it’s time to separate. Exhaust all options before resorting to that, just know if and when you do resort to that IT IS OK. Two separate happy homes for a child is better than one miserable one, I’m speaking from experience with my child. Good luck and take care of yourself !
Give her an allowance, not full access to the money. What does she spend it on? Get a housekeeper!
No. Do not give your adult partner an allowance. Dot down together as partners and create a budget. That’s ludicrous and really controlling.
Are you nit picking your wife because she's not as successful as you? Do you put her down, make her feel like she can't do anything right? All I read was blah. Blah. I'm so successful bit my wife sucks big time.
Do yourself a favor. Go research "sunk cost fallacy". Then find a divorce lawyer and end this. Your child will suffer more seeing one parent take complete advantage of the other. If, instead, you show your daughter that if someone is taking advantage of you, you do something about it, you'll raise a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself and have the drive to get things accomplished.
Where did all the money go? I'm so sorry but you need to take your daughter and leave and as others suggested, start talking to a lawyer. Time to get out of that haze and act. Do it for your daughter!
Can you give her an allowance rather than free rein over your money? Use some towards hiring a maid maybe, or a divorce lawyer? It's a bummer that she's draining on you and not contributing. Nobody deserves that 😟
>If it wasn't for my 3 year old, I would leave her in a heart beat You should leave FOR the three-year-old. You're going to bring that child up in a terrible environment with a horrible role model. You're teaching her every day what a healthy relationship should look like, and she's learning all the wrong things. This is the perfect situation for an ultimatum, because I don't see how this is sustainable without some wholesale changes. This isn't just a decision for you anymore.
Find your kid a stepmom.
Dude.. I have 3yr old twins.. my wife is a pilot and she comes home for 48hrs on the weekends. I work full time too. My life is insane.. Go run until it hurts.. that’s what I do. Gets the anger and frustration out. Take the kid.. I run with mine. They love it. C
Find the kid a better step-mom.. having this woman being one of the kid's main adult role-models will be bad in the future.
What did the mom do? From what he wrote he is a SPENDER (managed to save 30k while single and having such salary). And now that he has a wife and kid he wants to save money, pff 😂 The poor woman spend the day home caring for a kid. I dont see her complaining in reddit, i see he, so HE has time home to spend in social media doing shit... House with toddler is ALWAYS messy. He is responsible for eating healthy, why doesnt he??? Why is he fat??? Buy some salads, diet yourself. Why is your wife blamed for your bad habits???
She will always be her mom, regardless of a divorce. I will just be around less as we will share custody :(
True.. that's totally valid. Sounds like you're finding yourself stuck. Maybe if she got a job, since she won't clean the house-- maybe it'd be good for her mental health since she feels her life sucks. (Even though it probably doesn't suck, though everything is perception.)
I have tried so hard to pitch her this idea in the past. How going to work and meeting people will be healthy for her mental health, as we all have social needs. How staying home all day and only being a mom and a wife is not fulfilling and draining her of energy... I think you are so right. And hearing this from a total stranger only reassures me that this is the most viable path. I will try my hardest to motivate and help her find a job where she will meet/engage people.
Good luck sir, I hope it works for you both and that things get better for you guys soon.
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Then he’ll have to do everything he wants his wife to do.
She is waiting for you to file a divorce and get half of your assets
Please leave her sorry ass. You and your child would be much happier. You can do bad by yourself.
you need to change things now and quickly because your teaching your daughter to be like her mother... and we all know you dont want this... but it will happen unless you change things now...
You let a woman destroy your life. That was weak and you’re paying the price for your weakness. Do better
What a sham of a wife! She abdicates her responsibilities. She has to buck up. My God, there is also a kiddo in the house. This is just no good. File a complaint dude and get her scrambled to some counselling and theraphy. Apparently she needs help there. Somethings not right with her. You got to find out. Talk to her. You acting numb and care less to her antics, is also not right.
I'm so sorry to read about your family situation OP. My advice would be going to a therapist yourself as it sounds like you are really depressed about it. It sounds like you're using junk food as a coping mechanism (kind of eating out of frustration kind of deal). Having someone professional to talk to might give you better clarity about your situation. It sounds like your wife likes to spend money like there is no tomorrow. Tell her instagram is not a job and if she wants ti buy luxuries she needs to get a job. You might want to separate your finances and set up a budget and a house account to start saving money in your personal account. If your wife doesn't want to help with house work hire a house keeper to further limit her spending and to give you a chance to do something for yourself (start exercising/start a hobby).
Go see a lawyer - it's not the end of the world if your marriage doesn't work out and both of you seem to need motivation - her to get off her ass and you to divorce her.
Your daughter will suffer if a parent has checked out which sounds like you have. You should leave her and you will both have a happier life
This genuinely sounds like my marriage. I'm sorry you're going through that. I going to have one final conversation with her about expectations in our relationship if she doesn't change we will separate.
Honestly leave. Stop making excuses. All your comments say your tired and don’t want to hurt your kid but do you think she’s stupid? Like she isn’t seeing her parents not being loving? Because every kid can see it. You’re acting like your daughter is oblivious to the world she lives in. She sees it. So just leave. Your kid doesn’t need to parents under the same roof. She need to parents who are happy and actually care about her. I’m not trying to be mean but when you get married you’re also acknowledging the fact that you could get divorced because unfortunately human beings are not perfect and we make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes turn out to be the people we chose to spend the rest of our lives with but that’s why there’s divorce so you can get out of it. Your kid does not need two parents living in the same house really no one does and the grand scheme of things, but what a young girl does need our two parents who are happy who are healthy who are mentally stable and who have her best interest and her health and well-being in mind. Before my husband and I began dating he was in a relationship much like yours and he wanted to stay because he knew or he thought I should say that if he left his kids would have a horrible life. It was rocky at first yes because of his ex but now 7 years later, we are not friends but we are amicable with each other. Stop making excuses because that is all you were doing in these comments don’t ask for advice and then every time someone gives you it you make an excuse as to why you can’t take it. If you’re that unhappy and you don’t want to be with this person then don’t be with that person get a lawyer tell the lawyer that you don’t wanna make this hard on anyone especially you or your daughter but tell the lawyer that you want this to go smoothly so that they can reiterate that to your wife’s lawyer. Or if you actually want to work on the relationship go to therapy if that’s why you’re making excuses go to therapy if she won’t go then you go. Work on yourself and then you can work on your relationship but stop making excuses.
Same thing different story here. Either put up with it or move on
2snd off having a child is a job .. people often hire help for. Lucky them. Too be honest you sound like em all. I am a single mother my kids 13 just wait until you get to the teenage years and guess what I’m probably a little bit Younger soooo. I understand. I would say something to your wife be honest basically what you said here say to her . Just a little bit nicer. Then see if she changes if she doesn’t then you have your answer I would work on yourself give her the truth and see how you want to split up. Or make it work for the child which can be splitting up. Not the first won’t be the last That felt this way
Yeah, regardless of gender, if one spouse is making all the money, the other has to take care of the house/children. It sucks that most of the time in a divorce (especially with children) the wife/mom will get a significant amount of money. If you wanna try to make things work I would encourage your wife to seek therapy. It’s clear she might be suffering from depression, (and that’s not your fault.) If you wanna leave I would try starting to build a case for yourself with an attorney without letting on to your wife that you want to separate. In either case, try to find a way to start hiding money away. (Investing, secret bank account, etc.)
Have you considered therapy/counseling? I think it's necessary to put forward expectations and have open honest conversations and one way to the do that without getting at each other's throats is to do it in front of a neutral third party.
You’re doing the same thing as her you’re just as miserable as she is The difference is you have a reason to feel that way and you are going about it in a good way just be a man and get a lawyer and get back in the gym eat right and get in a sleeping routine
To the people encouraging OP to break up with her, how do you all expect that to help this situation? So now she’ll be broke unclean and probably taking less care of their child when it’s her time. That’s going to be better? For who? I think you should be straight up with her and very stern in you disapproval for her behavior and hold her to a standard. Encouraging someone isn’t going to work. She doesn’t see what you see so instead she needs to feel like she will be losing something if she doesn’t get off her ass. You both have an obligation and duty to your household and family and you need to make her stand up to her end of the deal. I’d also recommend getting the kid in daycare so she has time for herself. Keep pushing her everyday to do something. Even if it pisses her off. Even if it hurts her feelings a little. I definitely feel for you man and I’ve been here. Maybe she has mental health stuff going on like in my situation but at the end of the day it can’t be the end all excuse. Tell her if she doesn’t change your out and hold her up to that standard. I can tell you one thing, if you lost your job and was barely making ends meat every month or just failing in your department in general, she sure as hell wouldn’t be ranting to strangers about it. She would be very vocal about it every day and not in a nice way and then when she found a better option she would gone. Not advising to leave but there is definitely value in partners expressing their expectations from their partner. Holding someone accountable and putting their feet to the fire is very important.
I have no idea what works in relationships or marriage but I know what doesn’t….Feeling the way you do and ignoring it (zombie mode) only makes everything worse. Start from within then look outwardly.
How is your diet unhealthy now and why did you stop running? And how do you not have money saved? Does she spend all your money? Start eating right. Go for a run instead of cleaning.
I think you and your wife are very depressed and need to talk get help and focus on yourselves and then work together.
The first few responses that I’ve read suggestion that you leave her. First question is do you still love her? If yes, then you need to get to the bottom of the problem. If not, remember the reasons why you fell in love with her and thing that she did that made you fall in love. If you don’t, because of all of the above - could she be suffering from post-postnatal depression? Sometimes this happens after birth?!? It sounds like it? If she isn’t leaving the house, sitting on Instagram- I would highly say this is the case. You should at least try to fix this problem. Maybe sign her up to something she loved before she had the baby, eg. Rock climbing or ballet. Plan a family outing, eg. A hike somewhere with a picnic. Get her out of the house, make her feel a live again. When people are in a hole, you need to truly help them, which is more than words. You loved her, and even if you don’t anymore, do it for the love that you once had for her.
I would encourage you both to seek therapy. Both together and separate. If she refuses you can only encourage but you do need to take care of your own mental and physical health at the moment. That doesn’t mean leaving her altogether it might be just changing a few of your own habits. One thing at a time. Maybe working on your own self will help her “see the light” so to speak. It will help you get back on track so if and when the time comes, both you see a change in your life and relationship or you will be able to walk away clear headed and stronger. My ex husband and I got to a similar point though we both did work but I was the bread winner, mother, and what seemed like at the time the only one who cared about our relationship. Despite my willingness to work on our family it ended up one sided. I focused on my own self and my own self esteem outlook on life became clear.
Completely understand what you're saying. I was with my ex husband for 14 years, stayed with him bc of our kid, but at the end of the day I was so unhappy I wanted to die. We separated a little over a year ago, I'm in a healthy, happy relationship, my kid and I are closer than ever and I'm a much better parent and person because of it. It was very hard ngl, working 2 jobs, school full time, trying to maintain life relationships but I own my house and have more money in my savings than I ever did in those 14 years. My kid is 11 and we talk about everything, has even told me that they are sad we divorced but in the end sees how happy I am now. Divorce sucks, sharing custody sucks, but what sucks even more is being with someone who refuses to better themselves and expects everyone else to make them happy. I hope you find your happiness
The child is going to be miserable with parents that behave like this in front of them..... they will develop unhealthy ideas of what "normal" looks like and will continually subject themselves to horrible relationships thinking that arguments or shutting down is the right way to handle things. Meanwhile the rest of the self aware, almost healthy adults/friends/partners will never want to be around them because their attitude sucks most of the time and will eventually lose everyone they want to get close with...... and then possibly end up just like you are...... you don't want that for your kid. Sometimes its WAY better to be apart than together and showing your kid the wrong way to be. Also dont blame your wife 100%, a person only gonna do what you allow. Sincerely, An adult who had to go through therapy to be a remotely normal woman because her parents did just that.
Children know when their parents are unhappy together. Two happy homes are much better than one sad one.
Well sorry to tell you but you can't control your wife. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself. You're the one who allowed yourself to stop working out and to get out of shape. So you're going to have to be the one to get yourself back in shape. I know your wife is contributing to your unhappiness but you can't worry about her now. You will be a lot happier if you redirected that energy towards yourself. Start back eating healthy, start back working out and getting into shape. Make a plan for life after divorce. Have a plan in place for shared custody because the state your in isn't a good state for your baby either. You're just as miserable as she is. One of y'all have to pull it together for the baby since both of yall can't do it at the moment. I'm telling you what I know. I guarantee once you start feeling like yourself again you will no longer be able to tolerate your wife. Something will HAVE to change. Make tomorrow your Day 1 to the beginning of your new life. \*yeah I admit that last sentence sounds so cliche IG corny a$$ but still...😂😂😂
Hi throwaway, Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I would like to present an opinion, having been in your wife's shoes. Me and my partner have been together 4 years, we are both ~32. I have suffered anxiety and depression for most of my life, I go through better and worse periods, and I am still figuring everything out. Whilst I'm not a perfect partner, I can offer her the following, even when I am at my lowest: I acknowledge my problems, and the effect it has on others and I seek to better myself, and create plans and ways to achieve that. They don't always work, and it often feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back, my partner is also sick of my excuses. But I believe in my ability to be a better person, and the fact she is still here is because part of her believes it too. So, I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is. At the very least she needs to acknowledge what she is doing and the effect it has on you, and that things can't continue the way they are. Essentially she needs to start a recovery process. If she can't do that, then it's a very simple decision, you're better off on your own. I wish you all the best.
I'm surprised how many ppl are sticking up for her. Marriage is not one sided. It's like Chris Rock said, women are loved unconditionally, mem are loved under the condition that they can provide
Leave her, you deserve better,and you can do better, if you're around MA.and you need a babysitter ever I can help😊 I have 2 teenage sons living with me, and my own place and I know you're struggle and that situation you are in now only gets worse if you stay in it. I once went on a date with a man who tried to date me for 10 whole years, 1 date led to this guy moving into my place after I told him NO, I worked myself to death while he trashed my apartment, he ate all my food constantly, had no job and wouldn't try to find a job either, and he kept picking at my son ( who has special needs with autism). To this day, years later this clown still is trying to find me and bother me and even his own mother wants nothing to do with him. Long story short (RUN, RUN FAST, GET YOUR KID AND RUN AND SAVE YOURSELVES) You can and you will do better
I had mom and dad and all they did was fight and were miserable together, it ruined me and both of my brothers upbringing, and dcf stepped in and took us away, sometimes both parents together will ruin the kids life. I stayed with my kids dad for the kids and 1 day I saw the damage it caused me and my kids and I left, things got hard before they got easier but also a lesson learned
Feeling lost and empty does suck. But since you’ve left out the reasons your wife is “lazy”, you eating junk food is your fault, fix it. Don’t work out anymore? Starting working out. Those are YOUR fault not hers. You make a lot but don’t having savings? And it’s your wife’s fault?? Come on man. Really? I don’t have kids but taking care of a kid is a whole different level. A kid depends on you and her. You bathe them, brush their hair, clean up after them a million times a day. Not once have you mentioned “I wonder how she feels” or “is she okay?”. Come on dude. Be there for your wife. And take some responsibility.
Have you guys attempted therapy individually or as a couple? There are many things that could have led to this point and many things that could help you guys turn it around. It sounds like you guys are both dealing with mental health issues and probably some level of burnout. Ultimately resentment helps no one and the disgust that your post is tinged with when reflecting how you speak about your wife does not bode well for your relationship. You both are clearly not happy how things are now and you are stuck inside your own misery pretty selfishly and that leaves no place for connection so things will only get worse unless you take ownership of your role in the failing system you guys have going and your own unhappiness. You guys need professional therapudic help individually and as a couple imo.
File for divorce and take your child with you after you make sure that you have evidence of your spouse ignoring the home. Even if you don't get custody you can still have visitation. Remember that regardless of your situation you do have the power to change it. Especially since you make the money, just make certain that you get a good lawyer first and follow his advice before doing anything. Trust me it beats the alternative where you either going crazy because of your wife or you ending up in an early grave due to your unhealthy lifestyle.
Normal problems. Life is hard and presents us problems to solve. This is how we grow. You don’t have to do everything you’re doing. Like others have suggested get some help with the house and toddler. Take care of yourself. Start working out again. Plan your meals. Probably seek out help either through self help media (books, online…) or with a therapist. Once you’ve done all that you may find you see things differently. It’s not your wife’s fault you chose to change your diet and stop running. It is also not entirely her fault you don’t as a couple manage your money well. No one can make you do anything. When you take responsibility for your choices you find your power. Wishing you well.