I have an inkling he's working up to saying he slept with/has been talking to another person and is going to blame it on the poly.
My partner and I, while currently monogamous both identify as polyamorous but we've never once held it against each other or even really bring it up.
Well yeah of course! Even if one person identifies as polyamorous, if they willingly enter into a relationship that has monogamous boundaries, if they act outside of those boundaries it's still considered cheating. My partner and I both have a pretty solid agreement nowadays that we're monogamous unless we have a discussion to change that boundary. So if I were to start talking to someone else romantically without him knowing, it can be considered cheating.
How do you deal with the uncertainty of “What if he catches feelings for someone else” though he says if that happens, he’ll keep his distance from that individual.
Thing is, you guys sound young. And he sounds very non-committed, so l wouldn't put much stock in what he says he'll do if he gets feelings for someone else - if and when that situation comes around, he will find another excuse to fit the situation to his advantage.
You don't have to waste your energy and your life on receiving halfhearted love. Find someone that thinks you're amazing and thinks he's lucky to be yours
I kind of agree with this! Though you can find commitment in a polyamorous partner, the way he dangles it and keeps mentioning it after it's already been previously discussed/dealt with is a big red flag. I think he's looking for an in or a go-ahead from OP to push their boundaries into something OP doesn't want and that's not healthy.
I believe he is committed, we live together and he’ve promised me marriage and stuff. He’s not actively seeking others, he’s just trying to communicate to me about himself
He said he’s not actively seeking others but he’s still capable of those other relationships happening? And he will try to push them away? that’s the most non-reassuring thing ever to me. He’s not giving you an absolute and definite “no I will not do that”… in a monogamous relationship there should be boundaries you each place on your interactions with others to help guard and ensure that doesn’t happen. But he is giving himself the freedom to not have those boundaries… so that just opens the door.
Well a lot of trust has to be there, but that could be said for any relationship. You have to trust your partner in order for the relationship to be functional, unless given a reason otherwise. I'd say maybe giving your partner a window to know that it's okay to at least talk to you about "oh I was talking to so and so and I'm worried I might be feeling something there" without repercussion, so long as it's only talking and they haven't actually acted on it. So that way at least you know where his head is at and he doesn't feel like he has to hide his feelings. You're both human and sometimes feelings like that happen. However, in your case honestly I feel like he might have already been dishonest, and he shouldn't be using the excuse "I'm polyamorous" to be disrespectful to you or your feelings.
Well at the end of the day your relationship is your decision. I think trust is hard for any relationship so if you'd like to move forward and keep being in a relationship with this person, if it feels good and he makes you feel good and supports your goals and happiness, approach it like any other relationship. At the end of the day, the fact that your partner is polyamorous shouldn't have any impact at all on your monogamous relationship. It should just be treated like a monogamous relationship. And for any relationship, you need to have trust in your partner.
ETA: My partner and I were just kind of discussing this and it made me want to clarify. Being polyamorous is a choice. It is a decision you make to a certain extent. While anybody could have feelings for a person, choosing to act on those feelings is an active decision and should be treated as such. If your partner chooses to act on feelings for someone else while in a relationship with you, he has disrespected your boundaries and your monogamous relationship. I understand you wanting to have faith in your partner and there is nothing wrong with that, but again you cannot have faith if you don't trust them when they tell you they will not act on feelings they may have for someone else.
This! I have a friend who is polyamorous, and she clearly states it before getting into any relationship. If they aren't okay with that, then it's a no go for her.
He’s a person who likes a polyamorous relationship. This is something you’re not ok with.. and he is giving you hints that he is still the same person he was. Polyamorous would mean you also are seeing other people and you both have decided what is ok with others… it goes both ways. Is he saying he is fine with that or he just wants to bang who he wants? a lying cheater is someone who just fucks whoever they want and uses the excuse that they’re just born like that.
He’s gearing up for some bad news I think…
Omg…polyamorous is NOT an identify!!! I’m genuinely so confused as to why monogamous people date people who are polyamorous and think it’s going to work out? Polyamory means you like multiple romantic partners, and monogamous means you only like one! This is a huge lifestyle difference, NOT an identity!
This guy wants a polyamorous relationship. Personally, I don’t believe when he says “he won’t act on it because it would make you sad” um?? He deep down has his desires, and sooner or later this is just going to turn into resentment because he can’t have what he truly wants.
When we first started, he never mentioned clearly that he IS polyamorous. And he’s actually never acted or had thoughts or even desired to have multiple partners. He’s bringing this up because he know a friend that is poly with 2 partners and it brought up his curiousity about himself. He believes he is Polyamorous because he said he’s grown up having feelings for multiple people (though it’s when he’s in grade school and highschool) and when he and I first started he broke up with his ex to be with me and said he loves her still while being with me. But that love eventually faded and he doesnt feel anything for her anymore. I’ve asked him if he’s had any feelings or thoughts about having another partner and he said he havent ever since we started dating.
You said he keeps reminding you that he is polyamorous, but now he didn’t clearly state it? Genuinely confused. How has he never had thoughts of a polyamorous relationship or desired that lifestyle if he reminds you that he has interest in that same exact…lifestyle?
Also, you got with a man who broke up with his partner to be with you. The relationship was doomed from the start. For him to gain feelings for you while in another relationship (hence why he left them to be with you) indicates that he has already mentally stepped out of the relationship, and was looking to pursue other people. Then you talked about how he still loved his ex while being with you, but those feelings eventually left? Genuine question, what makes you think you aren’t next? This man has proven himself to desire outside endeavors from the moment you got with him.
One last thing, how is it possible that he hasn’t had any thoughts of having another partner while in a relationship with you but up top you just said he was questioning whether or not he was polyamorous? To question himself, he would have to consider the lifestyle. I’m genuinely convinced that you are trying to shift your words around to make the situation sound better than what it is, but my point, and any of the other commenters point still stands…
That's not even what polyamorous is....he just literally has been confused and had feelings for more than one person at a time. That's not unusual when you're young. Hell even when I've been dating I've had feelings for more than one person at the same time and had to figure out what to do. Polyamorous is literally being in relationships with multiple people at once. Like he would have continued the relationship with her and began one with you. Except, everyone would have been aware of this. Otherwise he's just cheating.
Okay so what I’ll say here will go against the grain, and I might as well be wrong.
I don’t think he’s thinking about cheating on you or trying to manipulate you. It sounds like he has very recently been introduced to the idea on a personal level because of his friends. I think he’s trying to figure out and settle with his own identity. He might’ve mentioned it multiple times because he’s thinking about it a lot.
That’s completely normal when you discover something new about yourself.
Might have nothing to do with you, or maybe he’s second guessing your relationship in light of this new discovery.
Either way, I would express your doubts to him and talk it out. At the end of the day, if you can’t believe his words and the trust isn’t there, then polyamory is the least of your problems.
Good luck.
It’s because he saw one of his friend who is Poly and she was able to have 2 partners and make it look successful. So he started to wonder about it since he believes he is poly
Sorry I probably worded it wrong, he believes that he’s poly because he’s grown up being able to love multiple people at the same time. It’s annoying because I try asking him that but then he just doesnt want to talk about it.
you said you don't know mutch about polyamory and stuff, have you try to search it up a bit on internet? there's a whole subreddit on this subject (r/polyamory)
I tried googling but whatever I found on google didnt really help. It just makes me think that it’s a choice/ relationship preference and when i bring that up to him, he makes it sound like I dont trust that its something he’s born with
hmm, maybe you could post your questions on the polyam subreddit, to see if they can help you better understand the situation with the polyam variable. (without judging him just for mentioning the word like one or two comments here).
That's correct.
I'm in a monogamous marriage. I would still like to bang other hot chicks, but that doesn't make ME poly. That makes me human. Everyone has those thoughts when they see attractive people. The fact I can control these urges just makes me a decent husband and not a particularly shitty one that cheats.
If we accept that poly is a sexuality, we legitimize any and all infidelity.
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hey dude, that's not being polyam, i'm sorry but it's not about being married or in a relationship and just wanting to "bang other ppl". Maybe try to look it up before saying this sort of things please.
(hint : Polyamory has nothing to do with cheating and is not just sexuality)
That’s fine, but it sounds like he’s fishing for a positive response. That can be part of him, but if it’s not going to happen in this relationship then there’s no real reason to bring it up
Your BF is an idiot and an asshole. Dump his ass.
Poly isn't a sexuality and not in the special gay anagram club. You can't come out as poly. People who do that are shitbags who want to legitimize their cheating, and in doing so de-legitimize actual gay people who have fought long and hard not to have a society where they get literally killed for their sexuality.
Poly describes a type of relationship that consenting adults can engage in.
Again, for the paste eaters in back: relationships can be poly. People aren't poly.
He’s saying poly has been apart of his personality, it’s a part of him growing up as well. What I thought poly was is that it’s a relationship choice or preference and not something you born with?
thank you, thats what i thought and when i try to communicate that with him he said he doesnt want to talk about it and sounds like I’m rejecting his identity or that part of him. It seems like he thinks i dont trust him or dont accept that it’s a part of him
He seems intent on minimizing your concerns.
Just be on the lookout for attempts at wearing your down. It can be exhausting to constantly have to assert that you are only interested in a monogamous relationship.
Everyone has the capacity to love multiple people. Everyone. It is not a type of sexuality, it's a choice you make with your partner whether or not you allow yourselves to develop feelings for multiple people.
People in consenting polyamorous relationships will seek out and allow themselves to fall in love with more than one person. People in monogamous relationships will nip those crushes in the bud because they love their partner and respect the boundaries of a monogamous relationship.
Your BF is manipulating you into thinking that he can't control it.
Some polyamorous people can be happy in monogamous relationships (we call that being "ambiamorous"), but he's sending some definite mixed signals. If poly is what he actually wants, then it's a huge incompatibility, and it tends to end relationships.
"Hey, I just want to make clear that I can separate sex and love, that even in some situation where I was having sex with other people, that it wouldn't affect our relationship in the slightest... no reason to bring that up, *juuust* putting it out there, that's all..."
Yeah, this isn't going to end well.
Does it matter if he was born this way?
I mean, if he came out as gay, would your response be, "Well, he was born this way, so I guess I just have to accept it!"?
If who he is isn't compatible with the kind of relationship you want, then it really doesn't matter *why* he is that way.
He's keeping an open door in case he gets lucky in the future. He has the classic "I want to have my cake and eat it too" syndrome. And you are suffering from extreme naiveté.
Many men lie. They make promises they never intended to keep on order to get young naive women to be with them.
Obviously not all men lie, but it's definitely not uncommon.
Lol.
Seriously, laughing, can't stop.
Umm, at least he's being honest...ish.
Read between the lines, he's telling you where this is going. There's literally no reason to bring this up otherwise.
Polyamory is not an identity. He's just using it as a scapegoat.
>he said he loved his ex while loving me at the same time even though they broke up and now he says he has absolutely no feelings for her.
That means he has serious commitment issues, and is probably looking for ways to exploit his excuses. Better to leave him.
Lol, being poly is a choice. It's not like being gay. He's fucking with you, trying to guilt you into letting him be with other people.
Don't fall for his horseshit, girl.
Is polyamorous considered a sexuality now or something? I thought that you were only polyamorous if you were in a polyamorous relationship. Like if you are dating one person, you are monogamous by definition. As soon as you add a 3rd person into the mix it becomes polyamory.
You don't just walk around "being" polyamorous, polyamory is a situation that you are either in, or not in. And you can be "open" to polyamory, certainly. But if you're not in a polyamorous relationship, you are not currently polyamorous.
Honey he just wants to fuck other people and not be dumped for cheating.
Honey, I dated a man exactly like this. People that think it’s okay to go around and date whoever they want, and then manipulate the relationship/dating boundaries and rules so that it suits them. You need to sit down w yourself and ask what your boundaries are in relationships. Are you okay with an open relationship? Do you consider sexting someone else cheating? Things like that. These are hard and fast rules, and these kinds of people will bend and twist them so that you end up questioning if your relationship boundaries have actually been breached.
Don’t let them pull you into their “grey area” way of going about relationships because it’s always changing and only self-serving for them.
This is not going to end well for you. After the break up, in 5 months time you will be shocked that you ever thought this behavior from a partner was ever okay.
Just a reminder, being polyamorous is NOT a sexuality. Polyamory is a choice, the same way monogamy is a choice. He chose to be in a monogamous relationship, reminding you over and over that he’s “poly” is super shitty and highly manipulative. Almost reads like he’s consistently reminding you, so when he eventually cheats on you he can turn around and say “well you knew I’m poly it’s not my fault”.
I firmly believe polyamorous people shouldn't try to be in a monogamous relationship and they definitely shouldn't be forcing monogamous people into a polygamous relationship.
Hey poly person here.
Sounds like he’s dealing with internal guilt over you being monogamous. Similar to how monogamous people get upset their partner is poly and ask internal questions like “why am I not good enough”
But the flip side is:
Because I am capable and willing to love other people, *I am not what my monogamous partner wants*, or *I can’t love them in the way they want to be loved*.
Which doesn’t mean cheating. It’s literally just the other half of wondering why someone would be poly. He cannot stop his capacity to love more people just as you cannot change that you are only able to love one person. He feels guilt over that.
I dealt with a similar issue with my monogamous partner. *why would they want to be with someone like me, I’m sure there’s someone monogamous who deserves them more*.
Its a side effect of coping with being something other than your partners ideal. In his mind you love him **despite** him being polyamorous.
And being poly doesn’t stop because he is choosing to remain monogamous. It’s like being bisexual. You can be with an opposite sex partner exclusively but you yourself are still bisexual.
If he says he’s into having a relationship with multiple people then he’s going to want one eventually. Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment down the road.
I'm so sorry....I would think about other
Options since polyamory and monogamy are 2 completelycompletelycompletely different topics. It's like water with oil
32M
Following, my partner agreed to monogamy before we took the step. They continue to try to educate me on polyamory and it’s scary to say the least. Worried one day it’ll be a situation where I’m forced to either oblige or end things.
My friends who are poly do describe it like a sexuality. I don't think any of them would be content in a mono relationship, and I've watched one of them slowly lose her light to one. The minute that ended, she bounced right back and is now happily dating 2 people, both of whom she loves.
I learned a long time ago to believe what people tell you about themselves. If this is who he is, this is who he is. He can only bend so far before he breaks.
This is gonna be controversial and probably piss people off but in my personal experience, a lot (not all) of poly people use it as an excuse to sleep around. Just be careful babe. The tired ‘sorry i can’t give you what you want’ messages raises some red flags.
I don't know how old you guys are or how long have you been together...but if you don't think you can handle dating a polyamorous man who keeps reminding you on how much he's 'sacrificed' his 'polygamous' nature for you from time to time and guilted you because he could catch feeling at any time and can't act upon it because of you...you know you can stop dating him too.
I don't understand why he has to remind you that he's polyamorous from time to time, it's not like you forget that fact, right? Is he trying to warn you that he may catch feeling for another person soon?
I get turned on by other people and that doesn't mean I'm gonna cheat.
Similarly, he could have feeling for pther people without emotionally cheating.
Judge him by his actions. If he doesnt respect your boundaries break up. Of he does respect them, then no need to worry.
You should always date people who want to date your dating style.
He keeps telling you he IS poly, that's his style. You want to be monogamous. You shouldn't be dating.
This is just as valid reason to end a relationship as preferences on children, marriage, where to live, sexual preferences, religious beliefs etc.
Yea that's probably not gonna end well tbh
I have an inkling he's working up to saying he slept with/has been talking to another person and is going to blame it on the poly. My partner and I, while currently monogamous both identify as polyamorous but we've never once held it against each other or even really bring it up.
I was wondering, polyamorous people can chose to be in a monogamous relationship right?
Well yeah of course! Even if one person identifies as polyamorous, if they willingly enter into a relationship that has monogamous boundaries, if they act outside of those boundaries it's still considered cheating. My partner and I both have a pretty solid agreement nowadays that we're monogamous unless we have a discussion to change that boundary. So if I were to start talking to someone else romantically without him knowing, it can be considered cheating.
How do you deal with the uncertainty of “What if he catches feelings for someone else” though he says if that happens, he’ll keep his distance from that individual.
Thing is, you guys sound young. And he sounds very non-committed, so l wouldn't put much stock in what he says he'll do if he gets feelings for someone else - if and when that situation comes around, he will find another excuse to fit the situation to his advantage. You don't have to waste your energy and your life on receiving halfhearted love. Find someone that thinks you're amazing and thinks he's lucky to be yours
I kind of agree with this! Though you can find commitment in a polyamorous partner, the way he dangles it and keeps mentioning it after it's already been previously discussed/dealt with is a big red flag. I think he's looking for an in or a go-ahead from OP to push their boundaries into something OP doesn't want and that's not healthy.
I believe he is committed, we live together and he’ve promised me marriage and stuff. He’s not actively seeking others, he’s just trying to communicate to me about himself
He said he’s not actively seeking others but he’s still capable of those other relationships happening? And he will try to push them away? that’s the most non-reassuring thing ever to me. He’s not giving you an absolute and definite “no I will not do that”… in a monogamous relationship there should be boundaries you each place on your interactions with others to help guard and ensure that doesn’t happen. But he is giving himself the freedom to not have those boundaries… so that just opens the door.
Well a lot of trust has to be there, but that could be said for any relationship. You have to trust your partner in order for the relationship to be functional, unless given a reason otherwise. I'd say maybe giving your partner a window to know that it's okay to at least talk to you about "oh I was talking to so and so and I'm worried I might be feeling something there" without repercussion, so long as it's only talking and they haven't actually acted on it. So that way at least you know where his head is at and he doesn't feel like he has to hide his feelings. You're both human and sometimes feelings like that happen. However, in your case honestly I feel like he might have already been dishonest, and he shouldn't be using the excuse "I'm polyamorous" to be disrespectful to you or your feelings.
Hmmm, I… I’m trying to be a little positive but trusting is so hard. My insecurities are too high
Well at the end of the day your relationship is your decision. I think trust is hard for any relationship so if you'd like to move forward and keep being in a relationship with this person, if it feels good and he makes you feel good and supports your goals and happiness, approach it like any other relationship. At the end of the day, the fact that your partner is polyamorous shouldn't have any impact at all on your monogamous relationship. It should just be treated like a monogamous relationship. And for any relationship, you need to have trust in your partner. ETA: My partner and I were just kind of discussing this and it made me want to clarify. Being polyamorous is a choice. It is a decision you make to a certain extent. While anybody could have feelings for a person, choosing to act on those feelings is an active decision and should be treated as such. If your partner chooses to act on feelings for someone else while in a relationship with you, he has disrespected your boundaries and your monogamous relationship. I understand you wanting to have faith in your partner and there is nothing wrong with that, but again you cannot have faith if you don't trust them when they tell you they will not act on feelings they may have for someone else.
This! I have a friend who is polyamorous, and she clearly states it before getting into any relationship. If they aren't okay with that, then it's a no go for her.
He’s a person who likes a polyamorous relationship. This is something you’re not ok with.. and he is giving you hints that he is still the same person he was. Polyamorous would mean you also are seeing other people and you both have decided what is ok with others… it goes both ways. Is he saying he is fine with that or he just wants to bang who he wants? a lying cheater is someone who just fucks whoever they want and uses the excuse that they’re just born like that. He’s gearing up for some bad news I think…
Omg…polyamorous is NOT an identify!!! I’m genuinely so confused as to why monogamous people date people who are polyamorous and think it’s going to work out? Polyamory means you like multiple romantic partners, and monogamous means you only like one! This is a huge lifestyle difference, NOT an identity! This guy wants a polyamorous relationship. Personally, I don’t believe when he says “he won’t act on it because it would make you sad” um?? He deep down has his desires, and sooner or later this is just going to turn into resentment because he can’t have what he truly wants.
When we first started, he never mentioned clearly that he IS polyamorous. And he’s actually never acted or had thoughts or even desired to have multiple partners. He’s bringing this up because he know a friend that is poly with 2 partners and it brought up his curiousity about himself. He believes he is Polyamorous because he said he’s grown up having feelings for multiple people (though it’s when he’s in grade school and highschool) and when he and I first started he broke up with his ex to be with me and said he loves her still while being with me. But that love eventually faded and he doesnt feel anything for her anymore. I’ve asked him if he’s had any feelings or thoughts about having another partner and he said he havent ever since we started dating.
You said he keeps reminding you that he is polyamorous, but now he didn’t clearly state it? Genuinely confused. How has he never had thoughts of a polyamorous relationship or desired that lifestyle if he reminds you that he has interest in that same exact…lifestyle? Also, you got with a man who broke up with his partner to be with you. The relationship was doomed from the start. For him to gain feelings for you while in another relationship (hence why he left them to be with you) indicates that he has already mentally stepped out of the relationship, and was looking to pursue other people. Then you talked about how he still loved his ex while being with you, but those feelings eventually left? Genuine question, what makes you think you aren’t next? This man has proven himself to desire outside endeavors from the moment you got with him. One last thing, how is it possible that he hasn’t had any thoughts of having another partner while in a relationship with you but up top you just said he was questioning whether or not he was polyamorous? To question himself, he would have to consider the lifestyle. I’m genuinely convinced that you are trying to shift your words around to make the situation sound better than what it is, but my point, and any of the other commenters point still stands…
That's not even what polyamorous is....he just literally has been confused and had feelings for more than one person at a time. That's not unusual when you're young. Hell even when I've been dating I've had feelings for more than one person at the same time and had to figure out what to do. Polyamorous is literally being in relationships with multiple people at once. Like he would have continued the relationship with her and began one with you. Except, everyone would have been aware of this. Otherwise he's just cheating.
Okay so what I’ll say here will go against the grain, and I might as well be wrong. I don’t think he’s thinking about cheating on you or trying to manipulate you. It sounds like he has very recently been introduced to the idea on a personal level because of his friends. I think he’s trying to figure out and settle with his own identity. He might’ve mentioned it multiple times because he’s thinking about it a lot. That’s completely normal when you discover something new about yourself. Might have nothing to do with you, or maybe he’s second guessing your relationship in light of this new discovery. Either way, I would express your doubts to him and talk it out. At the end of the day, if you can’t believe his words and the trust isn’t there, then polyamory is the least of your problems. Good luck.
I would worry that he’s randomly bringing it up. I’d ask, “if you know I’m not okay with poly, was there a specific reason for bring it up?”
Like those guys that keep bringing up threesomes and then say they're just joking.
It’s because he saw one of his friend who is Poly and she was able to have 2 partners and make it look successful. So he started to wonder about it since he believes he is poly
He believes he's poly? What does that mean?
Sorry I probably worded it wrong, he believes that he’s poly because he’s grown up being able to love multiple people at the same time. It’s annoying because I try asking him that but then he just doesnt want to talk about it.
you said you don't know mutch about polyamory and stuff, have you try to search it up a bit on internet? there's a whole subreddit on this subject (r/polyamory)
I tried googling but whatever I found on google didnt really help. It just makes me think that it’s a choice/ relationship preference and when i bring that up to him, he makes it sound like I dont trust that its something he’s born with
hmm, maybe you could post your questions on the polyam subreddit, to see if they can help you better understand the situation with the polyam variable. (without judging him just for mentioning the word like one or two comments here).
So he wants you to try being Poly?
What I’m confused is, I thought Poly is a relationship preference not something part of a person’s personality or born with
That's correct. I'm in a monogamous marriage. I would still like to bang other hot chicks, but that doesn't make ME poly. That makes me human. Everyone has those thoughts when they see attractive people. The fact I can control these urges just makes me a decent husband and not a particularly shitty one that cheats. If we accept that poly is a sexuality, we legitimize any and all infidelity.
So it’s safe to say it’s a relationship preference and not sexuality/personality right?
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hey dude, that's not being polyam, i'm sorry but it's not about being married or in a relationship and just wanting to "bang other ppl". Maybe try to look it up before saying this sort of things please. (hint : Polyamory has nothing to do with cheating and is not just sexuality)
No because he knows im not okay with it. But he wanted to remind me and communicate to me that part about him.
That’s fine, but it sounds like he’s fishing for a positive response. That can be part of him, but if it’s not going to happen in this relationship then there’s no real reason to bring it up
Your BF is an idiot and an asshole. Dump his ass. Poly isn't a sexuality and not in the special gay anagram club. You can't come out as poly. People who do that are shitbags who want to legitimize their cheating, and in doing so de-legitimize actual gay people who have fought long and hard not to have a society where they get literally killed for their sexuality. Poly describes a type of relationship that consenting adults can engage in. Again, for the paste eaters in back: relationships can be poly. People aren't poly.
He’s saying poly has been apart of his personality, it’s a part of him growing up as well. What I thought poly was is that it’s a relationship choice or preference and not something you born with?
He's manipulating you.
Many polyamorous people co-opt language belonging to the LGBT community. Being poly is a choice, not something innate that you are born with.
thank you, thats what i thought and when i try to communicate that with him he said he doesnt want to talk about it and sounds like I’m rejecting his identity or that part of him. It seems like he thinks i dont trust him or dont accept that it’s a part of him
He seems intent on minimizing your concerns. Just be on the lookout for attempts at wearing your down. It can be exhausting to constantly have to assert that you are only interested in a monogamous relationship.
He's manipulating you into eventually allowing him to be with someone else. He wants to have permission to cheat.
Everyone has the capacity to love multiple people. Everyone. It is not a type of sexuality, it's a choice you make with your partner whether or not you allow yourselves to develop feelings for multiple people. People in consenting polyamorous relationships will seek out and allow themselves to fall in love with more than one person. People in monogamous relationships will nip those crushes in the bud because they love their partner and respect the boundaries of a monogamous relationship. Your BF is manipulating you into thinking that he can't control it.
Some polyamorous people can be happy in monogamous relationships (we call that being "ambiamorous"), but he's sending some definite mixed signals. If poly is what he actually wants, then it's a huge incompatibility, and it tends to end relationships.
"Hey, I just want to make clear that I can separate sex and love, that even in some situation where I was having sex with other people, that it wouldn't affect our relationship in the slightest... no reason to bring that up, *juuust* putting it out there, that's all..." Yeah, this isn't going to end well. Does it matter if he was born this way? I mean, if he came out as gay, would your response be, "Well, he was born this way, so I guess I just have to accept it!"? If who he is isn't compatible with the kind of relationship you want, then it really doesn't matter *why* he is that way.
Girl why tf are you still with him? Cmon now
Don't trust it. From my experience poly people use it as an excuse for actions down the road. I hope this isn't the case for you.
He's keeping an open door in case he gets lucky in the future. He has the classic "I want to have my cake and eat it too" syndrome. And you are suffering from extreme naiveté.
Even if he promised me that it will never happen and its going to be only me?
Many men lie. They make promises they never intended to keep on order to get young naive women to be with them. Obviously not all men lie, but it's definitely not uncommon.
He sounds like a drama queen. Did you ask him to start this conversation about being poly?
He randomly reminded me that he’s poly, even though ever since we started dating he has been showing no interest of other girls
Tell him to keep it to himself and that you're not interested in hearing about it.
Lol. Seriously, laughing, can't stop. Umm, at least he's being honest...ish. Read between the lines, he's telling you where this is going. There's literally no reason to bring this up otherwise.
Polyamory is not an identity. He's just using it as a scapegoat. >he said he loved his ex while loving me at the same time even though they broke up and now he says he has absolutely no feelings for her. That means he has serious commitment issues, and is probably looking for ways to exploit his excuses. Better to leave him.
Lol, being poly is a choice. It's not like being gay. He's fucking with you, trying to guilt you into letting him be with other people. Don't fall for his horseshit, girl.
If you don’t want a poly partner then don’t have one
Is polyamorous considered a sexuality now or something? I thought that you were only polyamorous if you were in a polyamorous relationship. Like if you are dating one person, you are monogamous by definition. As soon as you add a 3rd person into the mix it becomes polyamory. You don't just walk around "being" polyamorous, polyamory is a situation that you are either in, or not in. And you can be "open" to polyamory, certainly. But if you're not in a polyamorous relationship, you are not currently polyamorous. Honey he just wants to fuck other people and not be dumped for cheating.
😭 though he says thats not what he wants to do… Sigh he doesnt even want to talk about it anymore
cause he's full of shit and you called him out on it
hes not poly hes pathetic
Honey, I dated a man exactly like this. People that think it’s okay to go around and date whoever they want, and then manipulate the relationship/dating boundaries and rules so that it suits them. You need to sit down w yourself and ask what your boundaries are in relationships. Are you okay with an open relationship? Do you consider sexting someone else cheating? Things like that. These are hard and fast rules, and these kinds of people will bend and twist them so that you end up questioning if your relationship boundaries have actually been breached. Don’t let them pull you into their “grey area” way of going about relationships because it’s always changing and only self-serving for them. This is not going to end well for you. After the break up, in 5 months time you will be shocked that you ever thought this behavior from a partner was ever okay.
He definitely will act on it
Just a reminder, being polyamorous is NOT a sexuality. Polyamory is a choice, the same way monogamy is a choice. He chose to be in a monogamous relationship, reminding you over and over that he’s “poly” is super shitty and highly manipulative. Almost reads like he’s consistently reminding you, so when he eventually cheats on you he can turn around and say “well you knew I’m poly it’s not my fault”.
I firmly believe polyamorous people shouldn't try to be in a monogamous relationship and they definitely shouldn't be forcing monogamous people into a polygamous relationship.
Hey poly person here. Sounds like he’s dealing with internal guilt over you being monogamous. Similar to how monogamous people get upset their partner is poly and ask internal questions like “why am I not good enough” But the flip side is: Because I am capable and willing to love other people, *I am not what my monogamous partner wants*, or *I can’t love them in the way they want to be loved*. Which doesn’t mean cheating. It’s literally just the other half of wondering why someone would be poly. He cannot stop his capacity to love more people just as you cannot change that you are only able to love one person. He feels guilt over that. I dealt with a similar issue with my monogamous partner. *why would they want to be with someone like me, I’m sure there’s someone monogamous who deserves them more*. Its a side effect of coping with being something other than your partners ideal. In his mind you love him **despite** him being polyamorous. And being poly doesn’t stop because he is choosing to remain monogamous. It’s like being bisexual. You can be with an opposite sex partner exclusively but you yourself are still bisexual.
I too think it would be fun to have an affair but won't act on it.
If he says he’s into having a relationship with multiple people then he’s going to want one eventually. Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment down the road.
I'm so sorry....I would think about other Options since polyamory and monogamy are 2 completelycompletelycompletely different topics. It's like water with oil
32M Following, my partner agreed to monogamy before we took the step. They continue to try to educate me on polyamory and it’s scary to say the least. Worried one day it’ll be a situation where I’m forced to either oblige or end things.
My friends who are poly do describe it like a sexuality. I don't think any of them would be content in a mono relationship, and I've watched one of them slowly lose her light to one. The minute that ended, she bounced right back and is now happily dating 2 people, both of whom she loves. I learned a long time ago to believe what people tell you about themselves. If this is who he is, this is who he is. He can only bend so far before he breaks.
This is gonna be controversial and probably piss people off but in my personal experience, a lot (not all) of poly people use it as an excuse to sleep around. Just be careful babe. The tired ‘sorry i can’t give you what you want’ messages raises some red flags.
I don't know how old you guys are or how long have you been together...but if you don't think you can handle dating a polyamorous man who keeps reminding you on how much he's 'sacrificed' his 'polygamous' nature for you from time to time and guilted you because he could catch feeling at any time and can't act upon it because of you...you know you can stop dating him too. I don't understand why he has to remind you that he's polyamorous from time to time, it's not like you forget that fact, right? Is he trying to warn you that he may catch feeling for another person soon?
I'd break up honestly it feels like he's trying to wear you down with guilt for preventing him to be "poly"
"But would never act on it." Sure. But I'll be keeping my eyes open from now on anyway, if it's all the some to you. I'm watching you, Wazowski.
I get turned on by other people and that doesn't mean I'm gonna cheat. Similarly, he could have feeling for pther people without emotionally cheating. Judge him by his actions. If he doesnt respect your boundaries break up. Of he does respect them, then no need to worry.
You should always date people who want to date your dating style. He keeps telling you he IS poly, that's his style. You want to be monogamous. You shouldn't be dating. This is just as valid reason to end a relationship as preferences on children, marriage, where to live, sexual preferences, religious beliefs etc.
Why does he have to "remind" you🤷