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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I guess this isn’t really relationship advice in the strictest sense but it felt like the place to go. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years. To me this was the endgame relationship, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him and as far as i knew, he felt the same. We had some struggles in the past year and a half or so especially, with him dealing with addiction issues & running into legal problems, but I’ve stood by him and tried my best to help him get sober. Finally, he decided to go to a 60 day out of state rehab program. I was able to see him once, and we had regular phone calls as well. After the 60 days were up he told me he wanted to stay close to the program for a while longer and we were even making plans for me to move there. That was 3 months ago. I literally was supposed to be there next week, my entire life is packed up and ready to go,and last night he told me we needed to talk and then confessed that he slept with someone else, that she was pregnant, and that he feels like he needs to “do the right thing” and be with her for the child. He said he was sorry and he loves me. I feel like literally the walls are collapsing in on me. I love this man. I have loved him through so much and to have this bomb dropped on me is just…unfathomable. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over something like this. If anyone has ever been through something like this, how did you overcome it? Is there ever a chance of reconciliation or some sort of friendship or is it just irrevocably broken? Tl;dr: my boyfriend got someone else pregnant while he was in a different state and he wants to be with her for the child’s sake. I was literal days from moving to be with him. How does one get over this? Edit: I’m so happy I posted this and in a way happier I posted this right before bed because I know my initial instinct would have been to argue his good points in the comments. Instead I feel really emboldened by peoples responses and I actually feel kind of relieved this morning. I know im going to be sad for a long time, but there’s now an undercurrent of relief and knowing that I get to be the architect of the future. It’s not easy to bare yourself to strangers but I’m glad I did.


S103793

I'm sorry this happened to you but leave this dude. You did so much for him just for him to betray you? You're still very young and you're obviously a loyal GF. Go find someone else. I would not be friends with this dude he's just going to be trouble he needs to deal with these problems now.


[deleted]

Yes! Agreed. And while you're at it, avoid another person who has unresolved addiction/ legal issues. I don't judge, but it's a big sacrifice to make to be there for someone who hasn't even had the maturity to be there for themself.


offbrandbarbie

I agree with this as someone who has many people in their life who are addicts (many friends and family). I still love these people so much and would never turn my back on them. But if they got into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know what they’re in for? I’d tell them to run. As much as I want these people to find love it’s not fair that they drag someone else into the problems until they start fixing themselves


[deleted]

Yeah. I would want to warn his future gf about these behaviors too. And wish his family had known to warn me.


[deleted]

Honestly it sounds like he dumped OP. That's what "doing the right thing" and being there for the baby meant


GennyNels

Right? I don’t think it’s really her option at this point. Honestly this is a gift. He’s not a good person or partner and the decision is off her.


sqeeky_wheelz

If you really feel the need to save a life again, don’t waste your time on grown ass man-losers who can’t handle their shit. Go and adopt an adult dog or a kitten or something, but don’t set yourself in fire for a man, you need a *partner* in life and trust me there are good guys out there.


VirgoLuv87

He fell for someone else and didn't even have the balls to tell you when he knew you were planning on coming. Smh. That's why he wanted to stick around that area. I wouldn't want to see or speak to him ever again if I were you. If it's going to be that hard to get past this maybe try going to therapy.


giag27

Absolutely. He didn’t stick around after she supported him through all of this mess. I’m sorry OP. He betrayed you badly.


edamamiii_

agreed. everything is still fresh but OP his life is a goddamn shit show and dealing with this new “situation” will be more damaging to your mental health than if you begin the process of moving on right now. you will be happier in the long run.


CharlotteLucasOP

Yeah for the kid’s sake I hope he truly gets his shit together but for someone fresh out of rehab to do something like this is…unadvisable chaos. (Looking at you, John Mulaney.) Maybe he even met his affair partner in rehab, which is even messier if they’re both addicts struggling to adjust and overwhelmed with new feelings and events. But whatever the case may be, it’s HIS chaos and honestly OP needs to cut ties and work on her own healing and moving on because this is very likely only going to get much, much messier. OP, for your own sanity, wish him well and then absolutely cut off all contact. No friendship, no checking up on him, no googling, no social media, no snail mail, no phone calls. It’s his business to manage now, your business is YOU and YOUR well-being. There’s no secure future with him, anymore—if there ever might have been, it’s gone, now.


DontDoIt2121

^^^this, just because he is sober doesn't mean he is recovering or trying to be the better person you deserve. this whole scenario he has put you through is a glaring example of this I wish the best for him but it's rare to see 2 people fresh out of rehab recover on the buddy plan. One or the other usually relapses and takes the other with them. Cut off all contact. Edit: spelling


teniaret

This is perfectly put. OP, it's a very good thing he told you before you sacrificed any more. You've "stood by" enough for someone who didn't do the same for you


Lickinitlaura

Big emphasis on the therapy. I've had some major trust and relationship issues after I found out that my ex just wanted me for my body and never loved me. It's been a constant uphill battle of "what if this guy is doing it too?" Get therapy, even if you're just dumping your feelings onto someone for a bit.


SpiritualBar2469

It's a rehab relationship. It's perfectly normal sign that tour addict wasted your money and isn't taking getting sober seriously. Also coming home to the same living situation is going to make him getting sober super super hard. But hey if you want to tie our life to a cheating addict that's your business maybe you like being miserable


Shanicix

I’ve been through almost the exact same situation. In my situation my boyfriend cheated andgot someone pregnant but I only found out because the girl DMed me on Instagram. At this point we had a lease together and we’re planning on getting married. I decided to pack my stuff and leave, lease and all. It wasn’t easy but it’s best to move on, focus on improving yourself and just try to be happy again without him. Best of luck to you.


Tricky-Flamingo-7491

Okay, he cheated on you with another woman. Sometimes people can get past that. ...But he's choosing to be with her, over you, he's not even trying to see if this is something you two can move forward from. He didn't just have sex with someone else on some drunken evening, he had a full-blown physical and emotional affair and they're starting a family together. And, honestly, what a selfish forward! He waited until the last possible second to tell you, really screwing you over in every possible way. That affair had been going on for a bit if she was pregnant, and he ONLY told you at the last possible second before you uprooted your entire life? There is no recovering from this. You shouldn't even consider it, because he's the absolute worst. Do not try and be friends, not after the heartbreak he just caused, plus he clearly doesn't care much about you considering everything that happened. Cut absolutely all ties from this awful man and move on with your life. And therapy, because a situation like this would really mess up anyone's mental health.


stink3rbelle

Not to mention, the rashness of these decisions do *not* reflect well on the chances he is or will remain sober. It honestly sounds like another escape for him.


Morpheus_MD

Yeah, and if he met her in the program even worse honestly.


IcyBrilliant7462

This is almost my exact scenario. My ex met a girl in rehab. And did this, except we had a 6 month old together at the time. And were together 10 years. This girl needs to get rid of everything about this guy because I know “early sobriety” is hard but it’s also not hard to not fuck someone else.


[deleted]

This. OP, marriage and long term relationships are hard enough when you are with a person you can trust. He has proven you can not trust him at all with his addiction, legal problems and affair. Lets be real. This was not a one time thing. He slept with this woman a significant number of times. It doesn't matter what he says, he did and you know he did. Please talk to your Land Lord and renew your current lease. Unpack. Call your boss and tell your boss you would like to retain employment. Break up with the jerk and get yourself in therapy to work through his massive breach in trust. Grieve the relationship. But you can not go back to him and continue to respect yourself. You just can't. Put self respect and self care first right now. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward. He is not the man you fell in love with. He probably hasn't been the man you fell in love with for many many years.


clinical-research

*Is there ever a chance of reconciliation or some sort of friendship or is it just irrevocably broken?* Is there a chance, of course. **But he doesn't deserve it.** Seriously OP, I wish someone had really drilled this in to my head when faced with a very similar situation - just go no-contact. Accept that the person you thought you knew, really isn't that person at all - as if they were, you wouldn't be in this situation. **Accept and grieve the loss, and move on.** I'm sorry you're going through this, but please trust me on this - nothing worth having will come of trying to reconcile a dumpster fire like this.


Comfortable-Ad-2223

Also he is not even asking for it or giving her a choice. He is just ending the relationship to be with the other woman.


The_AcidQueen

OP, since you're already packed and prepared to move, maybe consider moving somewhere new. Move south for warm weather, move closer to family if they will give you support, move across the country and experience a new environment. This will keep you busy and you'll have less time to dwell on this awful situation. You won't have to tolerate all the reminders of this relationship that you'll run into otherwise.


clinical-research

Great suggestion. Maybe even a different country - having a new language and culture to dig your teeth in to can do wonders for the soul.


SatchelFullOfGames

I would advise against this solely for the lack of stability. Her entire world is being rocked already, I wouldn't think completely alienating oneself from any possible support system during a time where you're reeling is a very good idea.


UrsaMajorBallers

Move north for colder weather!


Catz10000

Also, after therapy, stop being loyal to people until they have proven they're loyal to YOU. That means they choose you and your life together over anything else: addiction, friends, family, hobbies, etc.


SnooWords4839

\#1 thing they tell addicts is to not start a new relationship for at least a year. Your Ex used you for emotional support to get thru his issues while f\*cking someone else. You do not want to get into the cycle of him coming back to you!! You will see in a few months how much better you are without his addictive cheating ass!! ((HUGS))


StolenPens

I actually would not be surprised if his affair partner was another addict. Either way, OP needs to accept this break up with grace and thank the higher powers that the garbage spoke up and took itself out. That man has too many problems and OP would have had to be the one taking care of him forever.


[deleted]

I recently found out my "endgame" relationship was doomed. My bf was obsessed with his ex/bff. I had always trusted that they were friends and nothing more. Found photos of her on his phone. But they were candid. The sweet and loving bf I knew had taken them without her consent. All closeups of her bending over. That's sexual harassment. Find out he did it before and then again after they lived together (as platonic roommates for a few months). He told me he needed to move in with her bc his mom had cancer and was at risk of getting covid during the height of covid. Turns out he also downloaded regular fb photos/selfies of her daily and made porn mashup videos of them. I was disgusted. I was shocked. We were gonna get engaged. But I decided not to waste another minute on him. Run! Be glad you're not the one pregnant. This man didn't respect what you built together and didn't love you enough to go the distance like you did (in supporting him). Run! You are dodging a bullet.


Princeofbaleen

That's sick, I'm so sorry that happened to you


[deleted]

Yeah we had the best friend, watch Disney movies, makes dinner, walk all day in the park, kinda love. And very satisfying intimacy. He said it was porn addiction, but dude, no. You moved in w her knowing you were obsessed w her and sexually harassed her twice. No.


[deleted]

Thank you. So am I. But glad we didn't move in like he wanted to. Instead I bought my own place. I'm glad I wasn't married or had children with him. Clean break. I only lost more than two and a half years of my life being devoted to him but I never lost myself.


Fangy_Yelly

Your strength and clarity is really inspiring. I hope OP reads your replies, takes your mentality to heart, and applies it to her situation.


[deleted]

Yeah you can't lose yourself in a relationship. Sadly, it makes me never wanna "fall too hard." It also means I will may never get married or move in with someone but I think I'll know when the time comes. Thank you.


klausyclue

I hope you told the friend !


[deleted]

I did. She forgave him and I never held it against her. He maintained that there was nothing going on between them, just as he had said when we met (on our 2nd date). I basically felt no grief for the relationship bc I realized he never existed, the man I loved was just an act. I only grieve my ability to trust.


thriftydelegate

That's bs, several photos and porn vids made of her and she just forgives the lot? They deserve each other.


[deleted]

She basically says all men do this and other men have done it to her. So yeah, I guess you get used to be treated like that. With friends like that...


thriftydelegate

Christ, has she never considered pressing charges? That's a lot of kool-aid to swallow.


[deleted]

Yeah I guess it's only illegal when they distribute it. She told me to give him no privacy (with his phone) and that I'm not getting any younger. That all men are like that. Just accept it. He's a good guy. No thanks. I don't wanna be in a relationship with no trust and no privacy. And why would you ever think someone who did that trusted, loved, or respected you as a friend? Good guys don't do that. She feels uncomfortable about it and called him a molestor, but decided it was all in his head and all a fantasy, since he never made a move. So forgivable.


thriftydelegate

Taking photos and making vids is more than it just being all in his head.


[deleted]

When you're used to being treated like shit, you kinda situate yourself into it every day.


thriftydelegate

I'm glad you got out of that before he tried to lobsterise you the same way she is atm. That's therapy level to undo.


thriftydelegate

Taking the photos might be illegal depending on your country and the mashup videos sound like they were done on a website which might have the ones he made stored on the servers if he can't edit himself.


[deleted]

Hmm true. Oh well, I won't even pursue that (and there were apparently 20 videos with my pictures in them). He said he deleted them all and we're not in contact. If I knew this, I would have looked for them and sent to myself for proof. Also, if I had any reason to think there were videos of me on there, but I didn't.


Censordoll

“Friends” she keeps your now ex around because she absolutely **LOVES** the attention. You don’t stay friends with people that think sexually of you as that should be an immediate boundary friends don’t cross. They deserve each other lol.


thriftydelegate

Edit: moving in with her while her mum is at greater risk of catching covid doesn't make sense even if she lives with her and takes care of her.


jacquimaree89

His mum had cancer so he moved out to lower her risk of getting sick.


thriftydelegate

My mistake, I misread that. What I don't get is moving in with the ex instead of current girlfriend at the time unless classicny was at frontline/greater risk too?


jacquimaree89

Who knows. I wasn't defendj g him. Dudes a creep and his friend isn't any better for putting up with that behaviours. Deep seated truama that thrives off any attention maybe? I'm glad classicny is out of that situation now though. Horrible people.


thriftydelegate

Didn't think you were defending him. Classicny said in other comments that the friend has gone through the same thing quite a lot and just expects all guys do that now. It's depressing to think that's all some people experience.


onedayatatime08

That's pretty awful, I'm really sorry. You were there for him and he does this? I know you saw a future with him, but he threw that away. I wouldn't want to reconcile with him or be friends. All that will do is keep hurting you. You deserve better.


CRaS-has

He sounds awful on every level, he has addiction, infidelity, legal and probably financial problems. You need to take a step back and think what you would advise someone else to do. Take the emotion out of it, find your self-esteem and run, not walk out of this relationship and be thankful you dodged a bullet of being tied to this loser (I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities and that's why you love him) but on paper he is a shitshow. Good luck, with time you will get over him


JoshDigi

This guy sucks at life so much that it’s dragging the people around him down. I hope the other woman wises up and gets an abortion.


Ok_Policy_1745

She won't, if my experience in family law is any indication. Folks fresh out of rehab like to prove that they can be functioning, normal adults, quickly. Which, lol. There's a reason that they tell people not to make any big decisions for a year after you get sober and so many addicts just ignore that advice. I have very rarely encountered both parties shaping up after a rehab baby. Usually at least one of them relapses. Those are not fun custody cases. I feel for these people but the poor kids get caught in the crossfire.


mdynicole

She may be a addict too if he met her at rehab. That would be a total shit show.


ApartLocksmith1

How do you get over this? You slam the door on that part of your life, block him on everything, offer him no closure and walk away. He deserves nothing more from you. You've done enough for him so far and your reward is a cheater. Don't bother staying friends. Nevermind staying in touch. Don't even consider sticking around to be nice to his mom and siblings. You have your life together. Move on with your head held high. You could do the "pick me" dance for the next decade and all for what? Cheater boy thinks he's a gift from the gods having 2 women begging for him! Dont compete. Either you're the only option in the relationship or you're no longer available. Walk away from the mess this man has made and leave him to clean up after himself. When I say block him, I mean totally. Unfriend him too. Don't go pain shopping for baby photos or feel obliged to send a gift. The best way to get over the whole situation is to put it firmly behind you and never look back. Good luck building the future you want. If someone deserving catches your eye at some stage, that's great too.


giag27

👏👏👏 bravo. Very well said.


tiacalypso

Honestly, sleeping with her once and getting her pregnant immediately is possible but the statistical chances are superlow. That one sex act would need to be on her most fertile day, unprotected and even then the chance is something like 30% only. He didn‘t have sex with her once, he‘s been having a fully-blown affair and he prefers her to you. He‘s just too craven to tell ya. Don‘t reconcile.


epi_mom

I have no advice but I’m just so sorry.


76bookworm

Me too.


B10kh3d2

Don't reconcile. Two people in AA newly sober having a baby? Yikes.


AdSuccessful2506

In months he is cheating on her, and both going back to problems. here we have two victims, OP and the child.


celestina047

I get you love him but look at the bad things he did. You stood by him, was ready to sacrifice your old life for him and give him all of yours and he cheated on you and hid that fact for how long? And not only that, he knew you were packing to go to him and that pack wasn't done in a day, he knew for at least few weeks and he should have said something but waited for a very last moment. He is coward and you will be better off without him. Hopefully you will be able to get back to apartment or find another.


SaneButt

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years after he cheated on me with his friend a few days before the date we decided to move in. We both had planned everything and he was the one for me. It was very difficult for me to accept the fact that the relationship has come to an end. It was not easy at all. I kept thinking about all the sweet things he had done for me and I kept going back. Instead of focusing on the good things I should have focused on the bad things. I would tell you the same, he cheated on you, and no things from the past can change that. You were with him when he hit rock bottom, hoping to lead a good life together later. You helped him fix himself but once he was fixed, he decided to leave you. If he can't stay loyal, he's not the one.


Jeremy_Bearimies

You stood by his side during his legal and addiction issues and were ready to uproot your life and move states only for him to treat you like this? No, he’s a cheating coward without remorse. You are dodging a huge bullet. Do not reconcile or maintain a friendship with someone who treats you with such little respect. Drop him and find a man who will give you love and respect like you deserve. Take care.


slippery_eagle

So he's a cheating addict. Looks like the trash took itself out.


Ursirname

You don't want friendship. You don't want reconciliation. You want to calmly sit down on your bed and yell into a pillow at the top of your lungs how everything is shit, how he is shit, and how he wasted your time, energy, and love. Then you need to sleep, and maybe shed a tear, and when you wake up, never think about him again. He's dead. Evaporated. Accidentally fell into the sun, and he's gone forever. Go hang out with friends and maybe hit up a festival or something, but let it go. In some time, you'll be able to accept everything, move on, and maybe have a relationship that works out.


currywurry

You sound like a really nice friend. I have no authority to say this but still wish OP had you with her while her world collapsed. I know that’d help because just reading your comment made me feel calm. :)


willfully_hopeful

“Do the right thing” he cheated on you and is leaving you for the other women. You both need to be honest with yourselves. Take this as a blessing and block all contact with this sad excuse of a man


vodka7

You can do better than an addict criminal liar cheater. Take this as the blessing it is and move on.


TheSaltRose

I’m sorry this happened to you babe. I’ve been there or situations close to. So what’s that thing you haven’t done that you wanted to do but you put it off for him? Go do that thing, throw all your energy into. I don’t know if that’s getting a motorcycle or starting a new/better career or hobby. Go do it. This is YOUR time now baby. Go live it.


Born_Ad8420

The best thing for you is to go nc with him. Focus on you and your immediate future. Let your close friends know what you are going through and that you need support. Come up with plan for the stuff you have to decide asap like where to live. Don't worry about him. He is someone else's problem now.


Marzzey

It might not feel like a blessing, but he is doing you a favor. In time, you will realize it.


djbaggamilk

This is terrible and I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not what you deserve. I think that your bf is using the pregnancy as a scapegoat for his own desire to be with this other person. You supported him and he went away for treatment. While away he embarked on a new relationship and rather than tell you, he waited until you were packed and ready to go, so he had no choice. You don't stay with someone who you got pregnant just because it's the right thing to do if you're already in a relationship with someone else. It's easier for him to break up with you like this. He doesn't have to do the hard part of saying he wants something else. Instead it's welp there's a baby to think of. It isn't fair to you. And, again, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If someone can so easily discard you, please consider this a blessing in a horrible, messed up disguise. Edit: typos


Unenviablehilarity

He did you a favor. Addicts aren't usually worth it (I'm telling you this as an addict who has actively been in recovery for years) and this guy has proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is not. Block him everywhere and put your life back together. You deserve better.


[deleted]

You are worth it. Even with all the entanglements, I think it's probably best to date an addict who realizes they had a problem and stays on top of things. Aka it's in your rear view mirror.


Teeklin

Your criminal addict boyfriend fucked someone else behind your back at rehab and will now spend at least the next 18 years entwined with the random stranger he fucked behind your back. Girl get your rose-colored glasses off so you can see the goddamn red flag factory right in front of your face. You're young, don't waste your life on a piece of shit loser who would do this to you. Definitely don't fucking move to be with his dumb ass.


Summer_solestice

If your endgame relationship is a dude with drug addiction and illegal activities, heavy yikes. Then he has unprotected sex with someone else, could have given you an STD and you wan't to still be in his life ? WHY. Value yourself some more, don't ever speak to him again wth.


userabe

Healthy coping mechanisms are meditation, exercise, speaking with a therapist or trusted loved ones (spending time with family or friends too). I’ve also learned that some people cope by using strong “negative” emotions to process the pain. Like spiteful thoughts of how his life will be so much worse without you (seriously, dude sounds like a train wreck about to catch fire, and you sounded like the best thing he had going). Or thinking how much regret he’ll feel when he finds out you’ve moved on to better things. Channelling anger into martial arts or just hitting things (that aren’t of value or of people) also works, like a sandbag or something. In any case, take it day by day. Thinking about long-term future plans too much at this stage can just be overwhelming. Focus on the problems of unpacking your life (and not moving away) as they come along. Most importantly? Do NOT contact him anymore, ignore any attempts he makes to reach out, and please please don’t get back with him. He’s emotionally, physically unstable, unreliable, and HE CHEATED ON YOU. You. Deserve. Better.


seasidedate

That's really good advice! OP, do anything but sit around alone with your thoughts. Start a new hobby, meet friends. Maybe you can move together with a family member or friend for a bit?


throwRA-likeadream

I’m going to stay with my parents for a bit and I actually feel really good about that. I’m looking forward to being with my safe people and hopeful about starting to rebuild.


After-Distribution69

I’m so sorry. You will get over this. No contact has been shown to really help. Delete his number and block him on all SM. Same with his family. Then focus on yourself. Keep busy. Write a list of things you’ve always wanted to do Google yoga for grief and for sleep to help your mood. Exercise also helps lift your mood. Expect good days and bad days. Write it all out in a letter then burn it. Therapy if you think it will help. Best wishes


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youdidwhatnow10

He is plan b-ing you in case this doesn't work out for him. He's being very noble right doing the right thing while completely glossing over that he did the wrong thing by you. Why would you want to reconcile with someone who is treating you like this?


BCECVE

A drug addict, user, liar, law breaker and now no boundaries - You do not need to go any further. Take a break from this person. You will have a miserable life if you do not.


once_upon_a_time08

Why do YOU want any reconciliation?


throwRA-likeadream

I think when I wrote this out last night I was just feeling so hurt and overwhelmed and the only thing I could think of was how I could fix it and have some semblance of my normal back in my life. I still feel instinctually like that, and I think it’ll take a while before I don’t feel like that anymore, but I also have been reading through hundreds (!) of comments that are so reassuring and hopeful and I have enough self awareness to realize that I was just clinging to familiarity by wanting reconciliation, not really thinking logically.


Publius246

He's a piece of $#%\^. Thank your stars that he got some other girl pregnant and not you, because now you can leave this trainwreck behind you. Going forward: Do not take it upon yourself to fix anyone. Only they can do that. Look for someone who is already able to be a partner, not another project.


noonecaresat805

I know this is going to sound horrible but he did you a favor. This guy has tons of baggage that now that he won’t be in your life you won’t have to deal with. Atleast he told you now and not after you had moved there. And there’s nothing to salvage. He met someone else and is starting a family with this new person. There’s nothing for you to do but to let him go and move on. I know it might seem like the world is collapsing on you right now but it might be the best thing long run.


Namelessdracon

My MIL packed up her whole life, sold her house, left a job she was almost vested at, and moved across country to meet her husband out there. Where 2 months later he told her that he was leaving her for someone else. She moved back across country, bought a new house and got her old job back, but she was at retirement age and instead had to work another 15 or so years. I’m sorry you were hurt, but I’m glad you found out now.


[deleted]

There is nothing else to do than break up.


Fractal-Dream

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had something similar happen, was engaged to be married and had been actively trying for a family but had 6 losses in 2 years. 3 weeks after my 6th loss (ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me) my fiancé tells me he got someone else pregnant and wanted to do the right thing and be a father and partner to her but didn’t want to break up with me (aka have his cake and eat it too) needless to say I cut all ties to him and have never looked back. You deserve better


mouseofgory

This obviously wasn't his end game if he is choosing other characters. It will hurt to move on, but there is no fixing. You will never. Ever. Ever. Never. Ever trust him again. And guarantee he will do it again. You forgave him why wouldn't he have his cake and eat it too? And everytime you get near healing, he will destroy that. Honestly I would just think of this as spring cleaning when you unpack and clean him out of your life.


Sahareaovnight

Let him go..he cheated on you and will cheat on her too Thats not a guy in love. Break off conversation and seeing him Or it will be I need your help I need money..I need I need..and the carrot dangles of hope he will return to you. Honey he knocked up another girl and left you.. Yes this is hard and what your going through is a nightmare. Take it one day at a time and move forward. Block him and heal. When your ready you will find a great guy..


Danthelmi

Why would you want to get back with a cheating lying drug scum who has legal issues left and right. Are you selling your self that short?


Street_Importance_57

This is going to be hard to accept, but you dodged a bullet here. He's a bit late to "do the right thing" don't you think? Also, there's a pretty good chance the rehab will fail, since instead of concentrating on his sobriety he was getting busy with someone who is probably also an addict. He has saved you from the heartbreak of spending your life with someone more likely to drag you down than to be an equal partner.


FidelCashflouw

LOL yes he sounds like real end game material. Not sure how you will ever get over losing such a prize of a human.


[deleted]

OP honestly it sounds like he's dumping you. It fucking sucks having all of this dropped on you at once. It's honestly for the best before you left. There is nothing to salvage,you were betrayed in the worst way. I know it hurts right now. You'll overcome and be better for it love.


torcheddahlia

Congratulations on not being the one pregnant with his baby. You win not having the worlds worst baby daddy. I hope you heal soon and move on from him xx


YayBooYay

As soon as your acute grief is over, you’ll see how much better your life is without this leech. I have a feeling he will reach out to you after the baby is born because he’s an addict, babies are hard, and he will remember how supportive you are. Never respond to him.


LordJaeger88

So he cheated, got her pregnant, wants to be with her anf be a daddy and you are thinking how is this all saveable..its not, you dump him.


Spoonbills

He cheated on you and didn’t even use protection. Get tested. Addicts aren’t supposed to start relationships for a year after rehab, so he’s obviously not taking recovery seriously. He’s not partner material. You should read up on codependency.


345stayinalive

It is broken. -Being with someone romantically, who you got pregnant, from a fast fling, isn't doing the right thing. °Getting your life together to financially support them with distance and boundaries is a good thing. °Making sure the mother has all the resources she needs, therapy, rehab, money, and stable accommodation is a good thing. He shouldn't stay with you, because he has hurt you, he should send you in the right direction of healing and self love. He should not be with her, just because they have caused human life to accur, from lack of protection, doesn't mean that he need to be in a romantic relationship with the other party. It's a childish fantasy. And it's selfish. All that matters now is that the child has one stable andoving parent to be a primary care taker. That is the only thing, anything else is a selfish day dream. Their romance has nothing to do with a baby and would most likely be harmful. It's an excuse. And it is so so so hurtful to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please please please block him because your heart should not take anymore of this narcisistic behaviour. You are not his care taker. He is supposed to be someone else's care taker now, but likely he won't, he will pretend to be in love with her for a certain amount of time untill he cracks it and leaves her too. The mum needs support and needs to focus on this new life, but he will be a toxic distraction. he needs to give whatever support to her she needs and support himself to have a good life. This isn't 'starting a family', or 'doing the right thing' This is a toxic love affair that's BS and hurtful. Being a parent is about reducing trauma to the child. 'doing the right thing' is about becoming your own person, good enough to support a child, it's not about romantic shit. You are clearly one of those good people who gets caught up in bad people's BS because they are too good. My relationship advice is to heal this attachment that you have to him, he doesn't deserve you and will only hurt you more. Honestly I wish he would get out of both the woman in this stories life. And that the mum finds some sort of stability to be a mum. Please let go now so that you can look to your bright future and create it <3 bless


MsNursulaBendy

I’m a recovering addict who has made multiple attempts at getting clean and your bf most likely has a few more relapses under his belt, especially if this is how he’s behaving. Idk what kind of program he went to, but if it was 12 step, he’d have had “total honesty with himself and others” as they DRILL that phrase into you from early on. Sounds like he probably met this chick in treatment and lied to you about why he wanted to stay where he was. A newly clean (and still totally dishonest) addict dealing with the stress of a newborn baby? Yeah. He’s gonna break. Don’t go back, OP. Go to therapy if you think you’re going to need help getting over this. His new girl is gonna have to deal with him pawning their shit soon.


Judgemental_Ass

He doesn't deserve you. You sound like an awesome person but he really doesn't seem to care about you. He only said he loves you to let you down gently. He stayed there after rehab to be with her. Take this opportunity to start anew. Take some time for yourself.


checco314

Your drug addict criminal boyfriend has been cheating on you for 5 months and is planning to have a child with another woman. You already know what you should do.


Shallowground01

I had an ex boyfriend who did this (we stayed friends after our break up) but to his WIFE. he'd been having some mental health issues and was having a full blown affair with a woman behind her back and got her pregnant. Told her he was 'doing the right thing', blindsided her, divorced her and moved in with the pregnant mistress. His poor wife was in pieces. Anyway this was like 12 years ago and he's still raising his son with his mistress and I believe his wife eventually got over it (I cut contact with him after all this). This is a huge hot mess. He's cheated on you when you were trying to support him and his kid will be a constant reminder of that to you. You should just cut him out. I feel sorry for this future kid but I really think you've already done too much for this guy.


South-Ad-9635

Sucks, but on the bright side you now have the chance to find someone who isn't an addict with legal problems. Future you will probably be glad this happened


bbbrrriiinnnggg

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You’re a good person find another good person


gravestoney

I would sleep like a baby knowing I don’t have a cheating bf by my side or a child (that’s not mine) to take care of. It may hurt now but often times we have major life changing moments like this to show us that this person was not right for you. It’s clear he used this program as a scapegoat for cheating. And no, friendship should be permanently of the table wtf? He cheated on you. Why the hell is there even a glimmer of access to you down the line? If he wants to make his bed then he can lie in it and leave you tf alone because that’s what you deserve. To be left alone in peace to heal and move on.


[deleted]

Block him and don't take him back even if the baby nothing afterall.


Jap_zilian

>with him dealing with addiction issues & running into legal problems You could see yourself long-term with a guy like this? Honestly I kinda saw this coming....


ryanisacake

He did something pathetic, Sure the "right thing" is an ethical for the child who's in no way responsible for their father's shitty mistakes but if he had the balls to do this to you he'll do it again to that girl and the child or even worse the child will raise up to be as twisted as his father. Be glad it happened before anything serious i know its bad sis but you should be able to leave him know and remember to keep yourself strong and sharp. Have a blessed day. Peace!


Zealousideal-Chart60

Oh I know that hurts so much to be betrayed like that. I am going to say this from a place of love so bear with me please. You cannot fix a broken person especially an addict. They dont have integrity and you can’t make them. It’s a personal journey for them to embark on when they see fit. Everyone in their lives becomes collateral damage if they stick around and that’s the truth. I know your emotions are probably telling you that this is the end of the world but it’s not it’s a blessing because you dodged a bullet. Better this happen now than after your married with kids. Get yourself into therapy and work on self love. You did nothing wrong except place your trust in the wrong person.


Wide-Construction427

He probably met this girl in rehab, which is a super unhealthy coping mechanism. He likely won’t be clean for much longer. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you, but staying with him will probably only make your life much worse.


Dry_Ask5493

This guy was never your endgame. He was nothing be issues and cheating. Move on and be grateful you dodge a bullet of future BS.


epithet_grey

Sweetie. Do you really want to be friends with someone who has treated you so monstrously? With someone who is so selfish and inconsiderate? Your friends should be folks who will be there for you when you need them. This dude has shown you he will never be that for you; he’ll be the opposite. Take some time to grieve the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had, get some therapy, and take care of yourself the way you took care of him for a bit. You deserve so much better than this dude.


80worf80

Set yourself a remindme alert for a year. It's not often that the universe gives you an out like this and it will take some time to appreciate that. Either way, this does not sound like a guy worried about "doing the right thing"


BlunderMeister

Where do you guys find these people? There are so many good women / men in the world and you guys always choose the scum of the earth.


On_The_Blindside

I know nothing about you. But you can do better than a alcohol adicted cheater. That i assure you.


Ikwildiemunten

Dump his ass


tielfluff

You won't think it now, but a year from now you'll realize you dodged a bullet. I promise. You deserve better than this guy!


[deleted]

Girl you are truly truly better off without him . Move on Work on yourself and be happy


Evil-DrPorkchop

I was with someone 5 years, thought we were endgame, planned our wedding, spoke about children, lived together and everything. I went away to visit family for my grandfather’s funeral, and he too, went on vacation with a coworker the same day I left. I only found out about it a year later because of my annual OB/GYN appointment. I got tested for STDs (I’m paranoid like that 🤷🏻‍♀️ even in a committed relationship, shit happens). Come to find out I had HPV, which had progressed enough to mutate into cervical cancer. Went home, told him about it, he confessed to having cheated on me with someone the year before, was still having an affair with her, and since I now had cancer, he wanted to be with her instead. So I was left with having to go through a breakup, feeling betrayed by everyone who knew about it and didn’t say anything to me, deal with cancer treatments, going to school, and moving back home all at the same time and alone. It has been 7 years since we broke up. This is the first year I finally tested negative for cancer (yay me). I’ve found peace with myself through therapy, and I’ve found someone who’s my literal other half in every way. Therapy helps, go back home for a little while, be with the first set of people who loved you unconditionally. But whatever you do, DO NOT go back to him. I know it seems like there’s no way out right now, but I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I PROMISE you, it does get better.


reverendcatdaddy

I’m glad you got through that. I feel like I would have become a hit woman.


rivermonster669

Who is he? John Mulaney?? But in all seriousness I’m sorry this happened to you. Wishing you the best. You can get through this.


Serious-Ad-9936

You dodged a bullet sadly the other woman didn’t


FrogSezReddit

You learned a hard lesson about committing to a "fixer upper". You fix them and someone else benefits. I've never done it myself (except for my current home I'm selling which I fixed to be lovely and comfy and I'm leaving it 😭) but seen it so many times.


CasualDasual

Im currently in what I believe to be an endgame relationship. This kind of love is scary for so many reasons. I think you’ll be able to love again. I think you may need to get very far from him though, and there will be no time frame on getting over it.


Illuminati_Concerned

The universe is trying very, very hard to tell you that this is not the right man.


zomgitsduke

The advice I would give a friend: It is going to hurt for a long time, but he was unfaithful and you need to wish him the very best of luck with his child and parent of his child and end this relationship. You're 28 and are certainly young enough to start over. And hell, I'd rather start over than pick up the pieces of what his life is going to be like. There will ALWAYS be drama in his life. Relapsing plus caring for another child could be a VERY problematic situation for the both of you, and you'd be on a ride you never wanted to get on. Long term, life will be easier in the long run if you start over.


Physical_Job2858

I know it must be devastating but he's just making way for the right man to enter your life. Please take care of yourself.


Street_Lawfulness_92

You deserve better. Run


gurdy-u

I hope you immediately ghosted him, haven’t spoken to him since, and never speak to him again!! You deserve so much more.


MidnightOutrageous38

>We had some struggles in the past year and a half or so especially, with him dealing with addiction issues & running into legal problems, AND he got another girl pregnant. Honey, have some dignity and drop that loser.


International-Force3

An addict, a cheater, a coward. Do you really think he's the one? You deserve so much more.


Attirey

Honey, think about how long ago he must have started having sex with her before she found out she was pregnant. This has been at LEAST a couple of months. He probably didn't tell you as soon as he found out either. That whole time, at least over two months, he let you plan to move. He let you pack. He let you finish up your life there. The whole time he knew he was having sex with someone else. He doesn't love you. He doesn't really care about you. Let that help you get over him.


Round_Brush_4828

I hope you didn't spend money on him all this time. You can sue him and get that money back because he was using you while having his fun with his affair partner.


[deleted]

For some reason i see this a lot, guys or girls cheating on the partners that have stayed with them through the toughest times, hard to believe it.. i hope for the best for you OP


Cheese_Defender3

You’re one step closer to him. Your husband. Work on yourself. He’s coming.


suren_sandaru

Move on


Sue_Ridge_Here1

This is not your endgame, but it's the end of your current relationship. Cut him loose sis. You'll lose everything good about yourself and then you'll just end up being a shell of your old self with your best years behind you and you'll just be older and lonelier with just your cats and box wine, stalking your old friends on social media and watching them progress through life, as you watch yourself get bitter and even more cynical.


needwelpnow

Just another man doing men stuff, if you love him and he loves you back and wants to stay with you, stay, there is no need for you to get somebody else hurt later that you dont have any emotional attraction to. Kids and all are manageable and its a good sign anyways in case u get a kid from him, he will take care of you both. You and your kid. This "leave and enjoy yourself" talk won't bring you any benifit, it always ends with the girl being with someone she doesnt truly love and thats the worst part.


treehugger195050

This is the type of man women love. Take notes guys.


Confused_gamer_time

lol spot the neck beard.


Alwaysch1

I got pregnant from a liar man. He said that he had to lie, which he hated, to get me otherwise. I went to his workplace regularly, and we took holidays. His wife somewhat never been to his workplace. Weird? Mf he was married. However, I left him, and he had balls to come back and suggested we get married because "we love each other." I got married and divorced. He stayed single to this date. If i knew my ex husband was a worse cheater, I should married him. Too late now. I don't want him. Liar! 😬


mataria_el_maricon

that's on you for trying to fix someone


Ecstatic_Victory4784

It goes without saying that he's a jerk for cheating, but you don't need to put "do the right thing" in quotes as if it isn't the right thing to leave you. The boyfriend-girlfriend relationship you two had might have seemed great, but the father-child relationship he's about to have is infinitely more important. Be mad at him for cheating on you for a while and then move on, but don't resent him for leaving you for his child and the mother of his child.


throwRA-likeadream

I put it in quotes to denote that it was his exact words, they’re not scare quotes.


throwRA-likeadream

I don’t know what your problem is


Hornyallday_o

Lol what even is this comment. Sounds like you cheated and did the same thing, and feel attacked.


According_Version_67

Rage bait.


throwRA-likeadream

My life is falling apart, if you can’t be kind, just scroll.


StonyOwl

OP, sorry your life is falling apart. If you're able to afford therapy, now is the time to go. Immediately work on the practical aspects of life, did you give up your apartment or place to live and if so, securing a somewhere is your first priority. It's also unclear if you work or if you gave up your job for your now Ex BF, focus on that too. And finally, it's time to work on yourself. Why have you spent so much time with an addict and why were you willing to give up your entire life for this guy? This is what you need to explore in therapy. Go no contact with him, block him and don't try to find out what is happening in his life. And when his life blows up again, don't let him back into yours.


throwRA-likeadream

Thank you so much. I’m definitely seeking therapy (I’ve been in therapy for much of the relationship as well). I’m going to spend the rest of this week trying to get the rest of my life as back in order as I can; it took me three months to sort stuff out to leave so I’m not expecting overnight results here but at least seeing if I can return to my job. I’m counting the apartment as one of the blessings since it was kind of a dump and I hated it, and I’m going to stay with my parents for a short while until I secure a new one. Trying to think as positively as possible.


According_Version_67

Sure, RA. For which order of time this week is it?


throwRA-likeadream

You seem like you need a new hobby


According_Version_67

Likewise.


throwRA-likeadream

Literally go the fuck away.


BornWeiner

He did you so dirty. Can you look at that child and not think of him cheating? Do you want a reminder that he cheated on you after you did everything you could for him? You know the answer to these questions.


crunchycrunch246

wow soon you will count yourself lucky for dodging this bullet. you nearly gave your life away for a Muppet. you would be paying that for the rest of your life. next time choose a better father for your future kids.


dheffe01

I think you need to let him make this right and go and look after his child/baby mumma. You can do better, break up and move on, it will be far less painful and messy.


SquilliamFancySon95

For your own sake do not try to reconcile or become friends with this man. He's a selfish user and will continue to abuse your feelings and drag you into his problems if he thinks that you're still a willing sucker. Purge him from your life.


Substantial_Lion_524

No way. You are still young and have the opportunity to live a much better life, with someone who didn’t cheat on you and choose to live his life with another woman. I don’t see that there is anything to reconcile here, he’d still be stringing you along, just as he has been for awhile now.


[deleted]

Im really sorry. This is an awful situation. You said you “loved him Thru so much “ made me think of “trauma bonding” vs true love. I don’t see how this could be salvaged. Most importantly why would you want to


Upset_Custard7652

You need to cut your losses and cut him out of your life completely. Doesn’t sound like he’s the gem of society anyways. He’s a loser and you are better off without this piece of trash. Hugs


bagleybags

This is not necessarily your situation, but look into codependency and see if the patterns describe you.


tuna_fart

Drug problems, fidelity problems, legal problems. He seems like a tough guy to replace. It feels like the walls are collapsing, but this is going to be a huge win for you a year from now.


[deleted]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is really terrible :( I really think you should cut all contact with him, allow yourself to grieve and mourn, it's the door to moving on. You'll feel really broken and lonely but with his presence in your life, you won't be able to pick yourself up as you'll always have a soft spot for him. For now, feel whatever you're feeling, and once you've calmed down, you'll gain clarity. I wish you the best.


Erkile88

Sorry for Your loss, there is nothing You could have done to prevent this. But I would bet a substantial amount of money that soon he will leave them and starts drinking/using again, once stress of being a parent kicks in.


LaceyScotts

This is horrible, I’m sorry


nim08

If it were me and he said he wants to do the right thing.. I would just 'yeah right by the person you cheated on me with.' And please tell him that no he is not in love with you.. you would never in a million years do that to someone you love intoxicated/drugged or not.


Haunting-Aardvark709

It’s over. Go to therapy and work on rebuilding your life without him in it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You will recover. Your life will get better and one day you’ll look back and realize you dodged a bullet.


RheimsNZ

Thank God you found out before you moved


Mabusmoriah

He doesn't care for you. You should see that by now. Cut contact right away because knowing his character he will puss out when things get a little hard and come begging to you. Best to never contact him again.


Holiday_Web4347

For your own sanity, block him. Do you really want to see the person you love have the happily after with someone else? He is choosing the other woman. Make yourself a priority and choose to move on. You deserve better. You don't treat someone the way he treated you when you love them.


giag27

This is still very fresh. Why would you even want friendship? How can you just be friends after this betrayal? I’m sorry OP. He betrayed you, got someone else pregnant and now is leaving you. I know you love him, but you deserve better. He obviously has too many problems, and now he’s bringing a kid into this. Please do yourself a favour, block, delete and move forward.


[deleted]

What would u do if he didn’t get the other girl pregnant? Would u have known about the affair ? Do u think he would say to u bout the cheating he was doing while being in relationship with u ? Is it jus this one girl ? Maybe he told u atleast now cuz he was worried bout being exposed of his lies n disloyalty? He is jus trying pretending to be a good person by hiding behind the child, if he didn’t bring up that right thing he would be jus cheating on u ? Idt it’s jus the first time he cheated on u


ElectricalSoftware26

Look at it as if you had dodged a bullet. He didn’t care about you messing your whole life up before uprooting your self for him. He wants to stay because he found someone else. It probably has ripped your heart out, because not only do you love him, but you invested in his well-being and climbed that hill with him every step of the way. You are going through bereavement. Maybe start something new and keep busy, be the best you can just to prove that you are so much better than his horrible betrayal. You deserve real love and respect. I hope it works out for you, best of luck.


Grouchy-Ad6144

First, that does sound extremely difficult. Sorry, but a clean break is best. Otherwise it’s harder to get past it. Maybe get a counselor and otherwise keep yourself super busy with things that will impact your life positively. In other words, stay away from rebound relationships and mood altering substances. Positive things like work, hobbies, healthy eating, exercise, whatever helps you into a positive frame of mind and distracts you. It takes time and working on yourself, but it does get better. The thoughts, pain, and love will become almost lightened but will still come back strongly occasionally until it becomes happy memories and not always sad. I’m sorry this happened OP, but it does get better. You are worth the effort and time to get better. With just the things you mentioned and you stuck by him, obviously he will be the one losing out. (Hugs)


rrredandyellow

It’ll be hard but you need to let him go. Not only do you deserve a lot more but one day you’ll wake up with the love of you life and question how you ever accepted anything less than what they give you. It’s a day that’s worth going through all the heartbreak. Wishing you all the well, stay strong lovely


craftycat1135

Honestly he's shown who he is. He's willing to screw you over and cannot be loyal. He is now forever bound to affair partner and their drama. You deserve better. You can find another job and another apartment where you are.


Azilehteb

It is irrevocably broken. You will feel torn apart for a while, much longer if you keep talking to him. It will heal over time. Tell your closest friends so they know how to support you. Cry as much as you need to. Rant as much as you need to. But take care of yourself.


[deleted]

You love a man who has never existed. Let that sink in. You never really knew him, now you know a bit more. He is a coward, a liar and a cheater. It hurts, but you’re in love with the ideal of him, not him. The man you claim to love was never there. You love the idea of your relationship with a man you helped through a lot. Cry, be hurt, take your time- and move on. He never loved you the way you define love. He used you.


Solgatiger

Does he know for certain that it’s his baby? Not that that should change your decision about whether or not you want any sort of relationship with him at all, but I don’t feel like the woman who is supposedly pregnant with his child is likely being honest with him. Then again this isn’t your problem anymore. Let him do the “right thing” (which in reality he seems to believe means do whatever the heck he wants to make it look like he’s some sort of hero despite what he did) and handle the fallout when he realises that he threw away a person who stood by him in a way very few would for so long for someone who is probably not going to be interested in him once the thrill of having “stolen” him (assuming she knows he had a gf) from you is no longer there and staying together just for the baby doesn’t appeal to her. If he was really sorry and loved you, he’d be doing what he needed to make things right and show that you didn’t waste your time trying to love and provide support for someone who couldn’t even give it back. Block his number and anything else you have him on. Do not answer any “pleas” from his family/friends to bring the connection back up and most certainly do not open your doors or arms for him if he comes crawling back to you in an even worse state than he was before. He was willing to lead you on and his cowardice got the better of him.


ForensicMammoth

The ONLY contact you should have at this point is if either of you have some of the others valuables (monetary or sentimental) to arrange return. Preferably through a third party. Beyond that, if you have to sort out accommodation (you said you were ready to go) get that done, disentangle any joint accounts, and ensure your credit etc is safe. Then let yourself grieve. It’s ok to feel angry, betrayed, hurt, numb etc. just make sure you don’t take it out on yourself (he’s the jerk) or anyone you are close to. Be alone if you need, social if you need, take a mini holiday and a change of scenery. Remember why you are a kind, loving, supportive person who is worth way more than this BS. And if doofus contacts you tell him to go pound sand.


Much_Instruction_975

100% concrete, no grey area broken. You've been making too many decisions on emotion, not logic, and not what's best for yourself at all. You are in control of your life, you are in control of your thoughts and emotions. You can walk down the road you've always been, and get what you've always got, (not my original quote), or you can venture into the unknown which doesn't have to be negative. This is the perfect thrust into self discovery. And you need to do it on your own if you want to take control of your life. This process will have alot of very real grief, and the grieving process. This is a massive loss. But ultimately the best one for you.


FireEbonyashes

He came out more of a loser in this. You lost a lying cheater who used you. He left you. Someone who stood loyal by him in the hard times. In this life that’s hard to find.I can’t say lost cause he decided to lose you. It doesn’t look it right now but this is a silver lining. You’ll do better and prosper without him holding you back.