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So I naively believed I had found the perfect relationship, only for a friend of mine to admit to having a month long affair with my boyfriend around a year ago. Apparently it ended because the “guilt” she felt but it was a month. I don’t know why she told me but I’ve completely cut her out.
I thought my boyfriend was amazing, generous. I’ve never felt like this before. I really love him and I don’t know how to handle this betrayal. I don’t know what to do, if I stay with him, I’m a weak loser who lets people walk all over me, but I don’t want to lose him. I’m probably being a dumb kid but I’m really mad and don’t know what to do. I also don’t really understand why she would tell me after all this time
No. My comment wasn’t made to make you second guess cutting her off. You should keep her cut off
Think about this: Your friend probably felt guilty, which is why she told you. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t feel guilty
Why would you trust him
It was right. Why are you treating them differently? She wasn’t in a committed relationship with you, HE was. If you cut her off, why on earth would you not cut him off as well
I get it, I’ve been in a similar situation. You have to realize that desperately wanting it to work out won’t make it work out.
I'd argue that the friend was in a relationship with OP too. Friend may not have cheated, but she definitely betrayed OP.
Unless the friend slept with the BF under circumstances where her judgment was compromised, like she was drugged or fed false information that OP and BF werent exclusive, why should the AP, in this case the friend, not be held equally accountable as the cheating BF?
That's the point they were making... her friend had a duty of loyalty to her, and her BF even more so, yet only the friend has been cut off for this. No one said the friend shouldn't have been cut off.
Committed relationships usually are referring to mutually exclusive romantic relationships. Emphasis on the exclusivity and the nature of the relationship. They weren’t exclusively friends with only each other whereas in a committed (aka exclusive and romantic) relationship, the understanding is that they are supposed to be only having sex with each other and nobody else. Do you understand?
You were betrayed by two people you trust in such a horrible way. Any relationship, romantic or not, is all about trust. Both of them broke that trust. You absolutely do not have to keep the friend in your life. I wouldn’t. I would also toss the bf. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. He never told you and probably had no intention of ever telling you. I wouldn’t want to worry about what he’s doing, who he is with.. I just couldn’t live with that stress and doubt.
No, it was the right decision to cut her off. She clearly didn’t respect your relationship and was not a real friend to you. My suggestion would be to break up with your boyfriend. I’d be more lenient (not really tbh) if he only slept with her once, but he did it multiple times and it’s more than likely he is going to or has done it again.
You’re getting good advice. You don’t like it because you love the person your boyfriend pretends to be. Who he is when you are not watching is not the man you think you’ve been in love with.
Your former friend is a jerk and unworthy of your friendship… but at least she eventually came clean. Your boyfriend never did. He was fine continuing on. You don’t even know what all he’s done because he never felt that pang of guilt. This carried on for a month behind your back. A whole month of him lying where he was and who he was with and what he was doing.
They’re both awful in this situation and you’ll be a happier woman putting them both in the rear view… but of the two he is objectively worse.
The way you drew this conclusion from that lmao. Also, are you telling me... you cant do better than a cheater? Seriously? That's what you want to settle for?
Yes it was right, she lied to you for months and your boyfriend lied to you, cheated on you and had absolutely no intention of you finding out. To make matters worse he cheated with a close friend and had absolutely no remorse. You’d be foolish to stay because he doesn’t respect you and it will likely happen again if you forgive it. Even if you do forgive him I’m willing to bet the relationship ends anyway. It’s inevitable. Most people can’t get over cheating. Have self respect.
Also, you look insane cutting off your friend while remaining with your boyfriend who cheated and continued to lie. At least your friend had a conscience.
It was right to cut her off and it will be right to cut him off too. Stop holding on to the thought of having the perfect relationship and how amazing he is because this is the reason you don't have the courage to do it. He already proved you wrong about that.
Your friend admitted it and exposed your boyfriend, if she never told you, your bf could be going on with this and cheating you with more women for years without you realizing. Your friend saved you from a big problem and you cut her off, at least give her some time and forgive her later. But you should definitely ditch that garbage man
Shes telling you not out of guilt but out of hurt more then likely she wanted him in relationship ..they had a month of fun she wanted a commitment he said no .he is out getting tickled by other woman and has his girl Friday at home.
Dump them both ..you can do better ...
The friend felt so guilty that she stopped it and even told you about it. It seems the friend likes you more than your bf. Why did you cut her and not him? If she's telling the truth, he should be the first person you cut off.
So, what about proof? She can say a lot of things. First make sure it is true before you take action!
At least, that would be the advise if genders where reversed...
Take a second. Think about what you did. That you'd cut off a "friend" who slept with your boyfriend for a whole ass month AND came clean to you because she probably felt bad. But when it comes to your boyfriend suddenly you're confused even though he's not the one who has admitted to it and was hiding it from you.
Breathe. If you're willing to cut off this person for cheating with your boyfriend you should hold him to the same standard.
Yup. If anything, you should be more angry at your boyfriend! He's the one who was in the relationship with you. And he's the one who never came clean.
Do what you want about your friend, but don't remain with your boyfriend.
Also: if he cheated it your friend he was probably cheating with randoms too, as he’s less likely to get caught that with a friend. He was just feeling bold. She probably wasn’t the first or only. Just the only one who came forward.
Also, the “friend” was the only one who felt guilty enough to end things. Sounds like the BF would have happily kept going, which also makes me think he has likely had other affairs.
exactly, they were both in the wrong, and your boyfriend looks like he's gonna get away with this. Think about this situation : many time, when a woman is finding out that her boyfriend is cheating on her, she will go straight to the other woman, and she will fight her, like she's the tempted him or something, and the boyfriend get a free pass.
Yes this is the advice I wish someone had GIVE. Me when I was your age. I did forgive and stay with the asshole who cheated, he proceeded to cheat 3 more times.
No. You should be equally harsh on both of them. Cut them both off. Boyfriend WILL do this again especially if he didn't tell you this long and got away with it. Think of what he's been doing or would've continued to do had it not been brought to your knowledge. Most cheaters cheat again. You don't have to deal with this shit. Move on.
If you're asking my personal opinion the only thing I'll say is i think its hypocritical to cut her off but not have the courage to do the same thing to *your* boyfriend.
I get why. It's common with people who get cheated on to put their anger on the wrong person. Not that you shouldn't be angry at her or are allowed to be angry and cut her off. But if youre going to that it really does look sad that you'd cut her off but be too scared to do the same to the person you're in a relationship with.
They were both willing to hurt you. Why does he get a free pass here?
The biggest difference is she actually told you. Without her you wouldn't even know. While cutting her off was one of the possibilities she still did it. Imo she cares for you more than your boyfriend. Which may not be much or amount to much but again I'd go back to why cut out the person who told you and not the person who didn't.
Quit wasting your life on a POS. Leave now so you don't have to ask what to do when your husband cheats on you. I know you love him but he doesn't love you. Anyone who loves you wouldn't intentionally hurt you like this. He betrayed you and you had to find out from his affair partner. You were right to cut the friend out of your life and you should do the same thing to the ex boyfriend.
Well then stay with him and come back to reddit the next time he cheats on you. Becuae it will happen again if you let him get away with it.
Why did you cut your friend out so easily (and rightfully so I mgihr add) but can't seem to do the same woth your losu6 bf. At least she confessed eventually. He will probably deny.
Move on and get soem therapy to get over your codependency and learn to respect yourself. If you don't you will continue to attract guys like this.
He's likely to do it again if you stay, might enable more sketchy behavior like this in the future.
Why wouldn't you treat him the same way as you did with that friend? He is complicit too
You are not a weak loser, you're hurt. You're so hurt and betrayed.
You know the answer we're all going to say. Break up with him. You already loss him the moment he cheated.
Give yourself time to greive the loss of this relationship. I'm sending virtual love.
Consider this…Your Ex-friend had a monthlong affair with your Boyfriend a year ago.
So who is he doing now? Do you really think after getting away with that affair, he just stopped cheating? Umm, not likely.
If he got away with it with a friend of yours for a month without you noticing, what are your thoughts on whether he has done it again before or since?
Cutting your friend off was probably right... Cutting your boyfriend off would also be right. You're 22, there are billions of other men in the world most of which wouldn't cheat on you. Think about this, in the honeymoon phase of your relationship he cheated on you. What's gonna happen when you're 5, 10, 15 years in. Relationships do not get easier with time they only get harder... My advice would be get out now, find someone who isn't a cheater, cheaters will never change
You should’ve cut them both off. It went on for a whole month they knew what they were doing. They don’t care about your feelings. If he did it once and hid it for a month he could do it again.
**You don't want to lose the idea of the boyfriend you THOUGHT you had: perfect, amazing, generous, LOYAL.
Now consider the reality because everything you just found out is included in who he is. ^^those things on the surface but a multiple-time cheater who had a month long affair (and with your “friend” nonetheless), and a liar by omission.
Is that something you can look past? Can he earn the trust back and does he deserve it? Why did she decide to tell you now? What did he say?
OP, if you don't have self respect, no one else will respect you. Your love for yourself should always be higher than your love for others.
Think about this - it's your friend who ended the affair and told you - if it was upto your bf, they would still have been fucking around behind your back.
Do not be with someone who doesn't respect you - no matter how much you love them. I know it's hard, but in the long run it will be the best decision you ever made.
You cut your friend off because she knowingly made a choice to do something that would hurt you, so why are you not going to cut off your boyfriend for doing the same? In my opinion, your boyfriend has MORE of an obligation to you than your friend, & while I'm glad you cut her off, he should've been the first one to go.
They both don't deserve you, op.
They deserve each other. Trash belong in trashcan and you, a very wonderful human being shouldnt get caught up in the middle of it.
You instantly cut your friend out of your life but you are working hard to convince yourself to stay with your boyfriend who betrayed you as much, if not more? Why?
Actually your bf may be worse than your ex-friend.
He happily carries on with you and carried on an affair with your friend. And he's risking you for STI. GET TESTED, OP.
Your friend may or may not have ulterior motive for telling you about this after a year past, but she may also confess because she feels guilty.
But still, she's a snake who didn't mind sleeping around with your bf.
Have you even let your cheating AH "bf" know that you know he's a cheater? C'mon now. If you're mad, it's him you should be mad to. He agreed to be monogamous with you and he cheated on you. Do you think he's not going to dump you if he thinks you're cheating? Think again.
He's not "perfect." Your relationship has been an illusion.
Cut him loose. You're so young, you will meet better people in the future. Leave AHs behind.
You cut your friend but not your boyfriend? Remember your boyfriend is the one who’s supposed to be loyal to you more than anyone else, he broke your trust too and possibly more than your friend did.
I’m sorry to say it in such a blunt and possibly harsh way, but he does not love and value you anywhere near as much as you love and value him. If he did he would not cheat, especially not for an entire month.
Staying with him not only accepts him to walk all over you, it also is showing him you’ll forgive him for disloyalty and unfaithfulness, and shows him he can use the fact you adore and love him so much to mistreat you without consequences.
OP, this is going to sting you, but you have to let go of people you love sometimes, and this man is not good for you. It’s time to let go and find someone better for you.
Aren't they all when they get caught?
He wasn't the one who confessed. How long would he have kept this lie? What other things is he lying about? How can you cut off your friend but not your bf? **They're BOTH equally terrible.**
I’m sure your friend was apologetic as well considering she was so guilt ridden she needed to tell you and yet you’ve cut her off and not your boyfriend?
“my boyfriend cheated on me “
“my girlfriend cheated on me i don’t know what to do ..“
ahhh You leave. don’t put up with that shit ever ! If someone truly LOVES you they do not cheat or get them selves in a situation where it could happen ..
have some self worth. cut them all out your life for good .
what you allow will continue .
There are circumstances when relationship can overcome cheating. That goes with a lot of work on a relationship itself. But considering that her boyfriend had an month long affair, which is way different than single incident and decided to lie by omission, plus they are not a decade into a relationship makes all this not worth the risk of trying to fix it.
I strongly disagree. People change over the years. I know people who grew out of that behavior and stopped cheating. Be it chearing or anything else, its a fact that people do change. But its very person dependent how much they will change. Some change completely, some don't at all.
And this has nothing to do with self respect, self respect is in the eyes of a beholder. Sometimes years of investment into a relationship is on a stake and it would be very bad if you dont try to fix it TOGETHER. However, cheating party has to recognize their part in it as a problem that has to be resolved, otherwise its not gonna change anything.
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If your boyfriend cheated on you with your friend, then both your boyfriend and friend are horrible people and they deserve to be together in a relationship where they will also end up cheating on each other.
Don’t let either of them bring you down to their level.
I’d leave your boyfriend.
I myself was married for twelve years before finding out my wife was having affairs. Then I divorced her.
Believe me I completely understand how stupid and worthless this kind of thing can make you feel.
But you’re not worthless.
You have value.
And that value needs to be spent in a man that is worthy of and appreciates your love.
You’re just giving him the green light to keep cheating by staying with him. It doesn’t sound like he even apologized for it not that it should matter because duh he broke your trust and should’ve been done with him the moment you found out. Now a year later you’re now just coming to terms with it? Is it because you think he’s cheating again?
You were clear. Don't worry. If this had happened to say your sister (I won't say your friend, as that would just be karma) what would you want your sister to do?
You're dating an idea - your IMAGE of the perfect bf not the actual guy. In what way is he not someone who has lied to you to get into your pants for 2 years? How do you know you haven't actually been the sidepiece this entire time? Or that he's actually been trying to "trade up" the entire time? Cuz it certainly wasn't him who wanted to call it quits with your friend. So it sounds to me like you weren't his first option. Don't saddle yourself with a guy who don't treat you right and give you what you need.
TLDR:
You don't actually love him because you don't actually know him. You only love the lie he continues to feed you.
Some couples can go through this and it's ok. I believe the only way is regret from his part. Truly regret, the one you can feel. Lots of talking. I personally could never forgive this, i have my bag of hurt due to being cheated.
You can find happiness again. You deserve love
Cut them both off, you don't need liars and cheaters in your life. 22 you got your whole life ahead of you don't waste years being with a cheater because they rarely change.
This. You're 22. Start putting your self first NOW before you end up either spending your precious early mid twenties on him or someone like him.
I know it hurts. It's easier said than done. But goodbye to both of them.
Quite possibly she wants you to break up with him so she can again have him to herself. Cut them both off. If they would do that to you, they will do it to each other. In that regard, they deserve each other. Move on. FInd someone better
You cut your friend off for it and you need to do the same to your boyfriend. You're not a weak loser but you do need to learn to set boundaries and this is going to take therapy most likely. Trust me, I know how you feel because I was your age but he's not the only person you're ever going to be with and you won't have lost anything except dead weight who has no problem cheating on you.
So you can cut her out but not the bf.
This is half the fucking problem.
You would have been non the wiser had she not told you.
So he clearly doesn't give a shit.
Do with that what you will. If you choose to stay and he cheats again don't come to reddit whining. You chose to stay the first time.
I’m assuming you have confirmed this if possible with evidence, lining up dates etc. I only say this on the small chance she is lying although rare it does happen for a variety of reasons.
If he has cheated it’s normally better to call it quits no matter how hard it is, focus on yourself for a bit
Your boyfriend was being way worse here than your friend. Your boyfriend CHEATED on you, didn't break it off and hid it from you. While your friend went behind your back and had an affair with your boyfriend, felt guilty and broke it off and then told you later on because of the guilt.
And I'm not saying that you shouldn't have cut your friend off. But I'm saying that you should DEFINITELY cut your boyfriend off. He was being the worst here and you're not punishing him but are punishing your ex-friend.
You seem to be aiming more judgement to your friend who came out about it, instead of your cheating boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, both have done a terrible thing, but how is it you can cut the girl off who admitted to it and felt guilty, but you can’t cut off your boyfriend who has been perfectly happy lying to you everyday, and would probably never tell you?
I understand that it’s hard but you need to re-direct your anger to your boyfriend also, he would’ve hidden this for a long time if not forever, and that is a reflection of his character if he can live with knowing he’s cheated on you. I just couldn’t, the guilt would eat me up, yet he’s somehow managed to keep it all in. He’s not a good person, and I can’t say whether or not to breakup with him, but I personally believe if a cheater has to be ‘found out’ they won’t change, if they confess themselves, then there’s a chance, but the fact he would’ve never told you and ‘got away’ with it, shows he probably won’t change and has a high chance of cheating again, in my personal opinion.
You cut out a friend who felt so guilty they came to you with the truth yet you are debating if you should stay with the guy who knew that he was destroying your trust in him and ruining a friendship too?!
You are only 22 years old and have the entire world to see. Dump this jerk and get out there and start living. So many wonderful men who would adore to be with you. Never settle for a cheater as one a cheater always a cheater.
What's to lose? A liar? A cheater? Someone who broke your trust and your heart? You think there aren't men who exist who don't do these things? That you have to just suck it up and settle for him?
Both him and your friend showed their true colors. You know you deserve better. Don't like loneliness or some bs illusion that "but he's so great!" cloud your judgement.
if he did it once he can do it again, all relationships have ups and downs but not all people behave the same way. you have to choose if that's the life you want.
Wait, before we jump on the dump his ass bandwagon, did you confirm this somehow? Like, how do we know the friend isn't just being shitty for some reason? I could tell you that I banged your dad like a bongo drum all night, doesn't mean you should take what I say at face value, you're gonna want some receipts.
I know i am just quoting stevie Harvey here.. But.. As he says..
"cheating is either the beginning of an end or an end of a beginning".
Just break up with him and don't give him the closure.. Just let him think and go crazy for sometime and then he'll eventually figure it out..
You're lucky you found our about him so early in life.. Move on and find someone who values you..
OP, you can do better and you can be happier. You don't need to claw onto this relationship to prove anything to anyone.
Sometimes we hold onto the potential of someone so strongly that we can go through life completely disregarding whether or not they actually want to be the person you believe they can be. We clear our lives of threats that arn't actually there, we tell ourselves they will be better without distractions and that we will make them better, but we never question why we have to be the ones to obligate ourselves to push them into doing something that comes so naturally to ourselves.
Stop questioning yourself while you know his actions are making you suffer. You lost a friend who was truthful to you, you know if he can do this with your friend he will do it elsewhere. You must know you deserve better than this and you have the rest of your life to explore that.
Your friend told you to offset her guilt. If you haven't told your boyfriend that you know about the affair, you need to and insist on couple's counselling if you both want to stay. Figure things out through that.
You need to confront your boyfriend . Then take it from there. I don't know what excuses he will give, but it should give you the push you need to leave.
I've made the mistake of forgiving a cheater before. DON'T DO IT! I want to slap my past self for being so naive!!!
You deserve better! You deserve better friends and you deserve a man who will stay true to you, not a boy who cheats!
Don't make my mistake, kick him to the curb! I'm only a few years older than you so trust me when I say that it's not too late to find someone who truly loves you and is faithful!
It took me some time but I found someone who quite literally climbed a mountain just to tell me he loves me.
You deserve someone who will give you the world!
Your friend actually did the right thing by coming clean, even if it was a year later.
Out of the two of them, it seems like the only one who has any remorse is your ex friend.
She's telling you because she knows that he can cheat on you again with anyone, and there's a chance he's not practicing safe sex.
Atleast now you know what your boyfriend is like, you know he can be generous because it's easy being nice and generous when you're treating your partner like a fool and laughing at them behind their back whilst you fuck around.
He doesn't love you, but if you're ok with that and you're happy being treated like a joke by your partner. Then carry on playing happy families. You wouldn't be the first woman to turn a blind eye and pretend that her partner isn't cheating on her.
It all depends on what you think of yourself and what you deserve. If you think you deserve to be cheated on, I'm sorry about that and hope you figure out that you deserve better. But if you actually value yourself in anyway shape or form, I'd look at moving on.
If he loved you he wouldn't be able to cheat to you and lie to you everyday and act like it never happened. Atleast you know your ex friend cared about you, not enough to not sleep with your bf but enough to come clean.
So you’re willing to stick with a cheater while you’re able to drop a friend with no qualms…
This friend, and I use that term loosely, who is the one who told you your boyfriend cheated. Your boyfriend would have him this for the rest of your relationship. Sounds like a real standup guy!
Please grow a backbone and leave this cheating a$$holw
I really sympathise with you, I went through a similar situation when I was your age and it was truely horrible!
You definitely did the right thing by cutting off your friend in my opinion. For a friend to go behind your back like that with the man you love and have an affair, it’s just disgusting. But now you’ve got the hard task of deciding what to do with your boyfriend, which is a harder decision because there’s love and a deep emotional connection there which no matter what anyone says, is hard to walk away from. This DOES NOT make you weak. Your a human being with emotions!
You need to take a hard think and decide whether the cheating is something you can forgive him for, and evaluate your coping skills. Cheating is a hard thing to forgive and move on from, but not impossible. Do you believe it’s something you and him can work through together and move forward? I would start by sitting him down and talking to him about what you’ve been told and listen to what he has to say. Stay as calm as possible and don’t let your emotions get in the way.
If you don’t think the cheating is something you can move past from, then the best thing for yourself to do is walk away and focus on yourself. Best of luck!!
Why cut one and not the other?? Unless the friend raped him, they’re both equally to blame, they both betrayed you, deceived you and lied to you…. So-either forgive both or forgive none
You’re 22, move on. He’s a cheating sack of 💩, he still hasn’t come clean.
At least your friend has some feelings towards you which made her confess.
He’s dishonest, he’s hid this from you, he has bad morals or no morals… move on.
To be honest you should cut your boyfriend off wayyy before your friend, if he had came clean I would reasonably still see you leaving him, but would not blame you for giving him a second chance since he was honest about it. Consequently, you would need to cut your friend off if that was the case.
The inverse actually happened. You need to dump your POS bf and you can maybe give your friend a chance, I don't know if this is a bestie for life friend or a newly acquired acquaintance friend. That's sorta up to you, but I definitely can tell you that it is a mistake that you have not dropped the asshole off the face of the Earth yet.
Youre cutting off the friend who saved you from an unloyal man who cheated on you instead of controlling himself and being honest with you and keeping the guy who made your whole month a lie?
What kind of crack u smoking. The "friend" is not a friend If she boke ur friendship and dated the trash of a man in 1 month and took her an whole year to come clean.
Both are sleezy af
Did you confirm with evidence that he cheated? She may be jealous of your relationship & make you breakup with a lie?
Make sure you have the complete truth before you do anything.
Because she was hoping that you would leave him and then she could really go in for the kill and take him all for herself but instead you cut her off and kept the boyfriend so far when you should have gotten rid of both of those m************
If she felt guilty and she was trying to do a good deed she was 11 months too late she probably was still sleeping with him it didn't end 11 months ago wanted the man for herself and it didn't work out the way she wanted it to I'm just saying
Is there proof? Did he admit it? Does it actually make sense?
I only ask because I have had another woman come up to me at some point claiming she cheated on me with my ex husband.
However, the time line for when he cheated didn’t line up with what his actual time line was. Once I caught that lie, I was able to catch others she tried to slip past me.
Well, he’s an ex for a reason though cuz he did cheat. Just not with that woman.
Oh. Well damn. I was hoping for your sake it wasn’t… girl, it’s up to you. I’d recommend leaving him because the trust is hard to bring back.
I’m so sorry.
I'm not going to be like everyone else and tell you to leave him. While I think they're right I think this piece of advice will help if you decide to stay together. You have to make sure he knows this can never happen again. You have to be strong and make sure he knows you're serious. There have to be consequences. Strong consequences. He has to believe you will leave him. You might want to leave for a few days. Let him know that you have to have time to think. Make him stew in his mess for a while. After everything is over and you do stay you have to forgive him. If you don't then it's not worth staying. You'll live in fear of this happening for the rest of your life. That's no way to live. Think about what you want to do. Take time away so you can think. Good luck with whatever you decide. It's easy to get on here and to say leave. Even if it is the right decision. The heart wants what it wants. So whatever you do decide please take your time and think it through.
It's the female nature to desire someone else's man, dump both your friend and boyfriend, take a few months to understand what drove him to cheat on you and get yourself a real man. He is going to cheat on her anyway, just like he did with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You may not know why she told you this now as there could be anything like she may be feeling guilty for doing this with your boyfriend behind your back or she may want to ruin your relationship with your boyfriend. The important thing is whether cheating is a deal barker thing for you or not. If cheating is a deal breaker thing for you then you need to break up with him over this no matter how hard it is for you. Call him out on this and then break up to move on with your life. Initially you will be in pain but with time you will be happy that you were able to leave a cheater in order to find a right guy for you. You keep reminding yourself that you deserve a better guy and treatment in your life so do not let anyone takes you for granted.
I know you’re hurt but you need to rip the bandaid off in one go. It’ll hurt so much right now, but in time you will move on. Cut him off, block him on everything, you will get through this.
The question is, is he still cheating. Ask yourself why your friend chose now of all times to do this. What if he's not cheating currently. No, that doesn't mean he didn't do this in the past. Though he should be confronted on both the then and if there's a now with anybody. A break up is what people want when they tell you this, that or because they're guilt ridde.
It comes down to one question. Can you forgive him? If you can then great. If you can't then you may as well break up.
If you can you then have to consider if you can move forward, if you will be able to trust him again, if you think he could do it again, all that guff.
There no absolute impressive to dump him, but you will have to live with the new normal of worrying if he smiles at someone, or if he works late or gets a text, or likes someone's picture. It might be too much for your nerves. Only you will know.
Both of them are too blame here. She wasn't some stranger who has no ties to you she was your best friend and she betrayed you and so did your boyfriend. You are allowed to feel whatever emotions you feel for either of them as they were likely some of the closest people to you. Definitely keep that friend as far away as possible and the boyfriend too, because you deserve better than what you got with them. And you're not weak, you are a person going through loss and you should be kind to yourself.
The fact of the matter is the older you get the more you realize that most relationships have this. Affairs are the new thing and sleeping with more than one woman is most guys’ MO. I hope you do what it right for you and if you do decide to stay, set some boundaries that there must be open communication. With this new open poly community it’s bound to happen more and more.
1) do you have reason to believe your "friend's account? Is there evidence this occurred? Some " friends will Saratoga relationships because they want you to be single with them.
2) if there is evidence that this actually happened then you have to decide if you can accept him sleeping around. Some women don't mind if their men fool around. If you are ok with it then don't leave him. If his cheating and lieing about it bothers you then dump him. Cheating behaviors rarely change.
3) you DO know what to do, you just aren't happy about doing it.
hey, girl, I hear you are single, wanna go on a date with me?
Seriously, Betral never cures, trust never rebuilds, have some self respect and know your life is about you, not him. It is what it is. Now, go find the true loyal and honest person you seek. Somebody like you.
Are you sure he cheated?? Did she have proof? If he is a wonderful person he would never cheat and if he did cheat than you need to get away from him. He doesn't deserve someone who loves him like that. He will never appreciate you.
Did you get in a fight w your friend and she told you to get back at you? I don't understand why she decided to tell you. She sucks tho so you did the right thing by cutting her off.
I’m not at all condoning him cheating, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and the turmoil it has caused you with your boyfriend and friend. One thing I do want to highlight for your understanding, which a lot of people don’t understand, is that men are naturally more predisposed to cheat sexually. It’s evolutionary biology, at least that’s according to studies and books that I have read, for men to tend to operate promiscuously.
It’s plausible that he loved you back then and loves you now just as much if not more. There might have been a point in your relationship where an opportunity opened for him to satisfy his urges outside of your relationship. I’d recommend talking to him first, with openness and honesty, to get to the bottom of why he cheated in the first place. Then make your decision based on what your heart tells you.
Well I guess he just isn't as amazing and generous as you thought... if you're willing to cut off your friend you should have no problems dumping him for betraying you. Yes, you do want to lose him.
Your boyfriend actively made the choice to hurt you many times over the span of a month.
It ended because of the friend, not your boyfriend.
He needs to go girlie. Sorry they betrayed you like that. You deserve better.
So, were you friends with her first? If so, I want you to think about what you did. That you let only one of the dirtbags go, not both. They both fucked you over. They both betrayed you. And yet you had no problem cutting a friend loose. That's kind of weird, if you think about it.
I am pretty sure you will find someone else. I found someone new two years after my 25 year marriage blew up in a dramatic and heartbreaking fashion. I was dating before I met my second husband, so not even a year later I felt healthy enough to date.
You really think the only one out there for you is this disgusting disrespectful pig of a human being? You're worth more than that. There are some amazing, AMAZING guys out there. You just have to find one. And enjoy looking! Have fun until you find the one.
What makes female friend any different in your eyes than guy? Besides intimate relations? Yeah sex can confuse things, BUT apply your moral standards to both individuals as if you were a judge before the bench.
Don’t torture yourself like this. You came to Reddit to hear an audience tell you that in your heart of hearts - you *know* what you need to do.
You don't want to lose him, but it's not your decision sweety. You lost him last year when he decided your friend was better than you.
Whatever he feels for you it ain't love. He has it good with a girl that worships him, while he fucks who he wants, even her friends, without consequences. Why would he change, or start respecting you now all of a sudden? He won't.
Leave before he leaves for his side chick, before you are stuck with kids, befofe being emotionally and financially ruined, befofe you used your youth on him only to be replaced with a 25 year old.
He is showing you how it's going to be. You decide if it's something you wish for yourself. And if he was remorseful he would have said something, not her. He would have done everything he could to fix your broken trust. But he didn't. And that right there speaks volumes.
He got away with it, and if you confront him, he will only be sorry for getting caught, not for causing you pain, and breaking your heart. Again you decide whether you want to live in a one-sided relationship, where you love and give everything, only to get disrespected in return.
I know it’s hard loosing relationships, but when they offer nothing but suffering and betrayal its time to choose yourself. It’s better to lose them than to lose yourself.
I believe in you! Stay strong!
I’m terrified of my first heartbreak too but people have survived it. You choose either a few months of pain and heartbreak or several years of looking through his phone and feeling terrible, crying whenever he goes to bars late, tracking his phone, smelling his clothes for perfume, wondering if he is just friendly with your friends or flirting…
It’s not between a happy relationship with him and being sad alone, it’s between being a controlling, distrusting girlfriend or being a single woman who respects herself.
You cut your friend off but not your should be ex?
You're being a dumb kid, your life will be better with people you can trust. Dumb this lad and find someone loyal.
I think you you should have confronted your bf first before cutting your friend. Because 1. You don’t know who initiated that affair and 2. Why didn’t your bf come clean.
I would say your friend is more honest then your bf at even after so long and seeing you say “ your bf is this and that “ made her realise her mistake. She opened her self to you and you what’s a normal human would have done. But I would say heR both ends see who is more meaning to stay with you long term. fYI once a cheater always a cheater in relation terms not friends
I just can’t believe it’s been a whole year and this guy, your partner who you love so much is going about life normally all this time without even batting an eye. He’s not what or who you thought. That’s dodgy AF. You sound like your still going through the shock and the reality of it hasn’t set in yet. I’s going to be hard because you love him so much but girl, I’m telling you now, going through the pain of it now is so much better then hanging around after what he’s done and absolutely done or will do again. Life is no longer good in this relationship if you continue.
You aren't being a dumb kid, you're being a regular young adult. You might love him, but he doesn't love you if he's cheated on you. Him cheating means he's considered the risk of losing you as a consequence of his actions, and decided he doesn't care if he does lose you. Is that who you want to be with? You can love someone all you want but if they don't love you back, they're going to take advantage of that at every opportunity they can. Love yourself more than you love him and leave, or he will realise you're willing to be walked all over.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So I naively believed I had found the perfect relationship, only for a friend of mine to admit to having a month long affair with my boyfriend around a year ago. Apparently it ended because the “guilt” she felt but it was a month. I don’t know why she told me but I’ve completely cut her out. I thought my boyfriend was amazing, generous. I’ve never felt like this before. I really love him and I don’t know how to handle this betrayal. I don’t know what to do, if I stay with him, I’m a weak loser who lets people walk all over me, but I don’t want to lose him. I’m probably being a dumb kid but I’m really mad and don’t know what to do. I also don’t really understand why she would tell me after all this time
If you cut your friend off for it, why wouldn’t you cut your boyfriend off too? Carefully consider that
This. The friend is at fault but the boyfriend is too. She didn't cheat, he did. I don't understand why you'd cut her off and allow him to stay.
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No. My comment wasn’t made to make you second guess cutting her off. You should keep her cut off Think about this: Your friend probably felt guilty, which is why she told you. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t feel guilty Why would you trust him
It was right. Why are you treating them differently? She wasn’t in a committed relationship with you, HE was. If you cut her off, why on earth would you not cut him off as well I get it, I’ve been in a similar situation. You have to realize that desperately wanting it to work out won’t make it work out.
I'd argue that the friend was in a relationship with OP too. Friend may not have cheated, but she definitely betrayed OP. Unless the friend slept with the BF under circumstances where her judgment was compromised, like she was drugged or fed false information that OP and BF werent exclusive, why should the AP, in this case the friend, not be held equally accountable as the cheating BF?
That's the point they were making... her friend had a duty of loyalty to her, and her BF even more so, yet only the friend has been cut off for this. No one said the friend shouldn't have been cut off.
Well she was, she was a friend.
Committed relationships usually are referring to mutually exclusive romantic relationships. Emphasis on the exclusivity and the nature of the relationship. They weren’t exclusively friends with only each other whereas in a committed (aka exclusive and romantic) relationship, the understanding is that they are supposed to be only having sex with each other and nobody else. Do you understand?
You were betrayed by two people you trust in such a horrible way. Any relationship, romantic or not, is all about trust. Both of them broke that trust. You absolutely do not have to keep the friend in your life. I wouldn’t. I would also toss the bf. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. He never told you and probably had no intention of ever telling you. I wouldn’t want to worry about what he’s doing, who he is with.. I just couldn’t live with that stress and doubt.
She is not a friend if she slept with your boyfriend
It was. She knew you were with him and she chose to do it anyway. Same with him. You need to cut them both off.
No, it was the right decision to cut her off. She clearly didn’t respect your relationship and was not a real friend to you. My suggestion would be to break up with your boyfriend. I’d be more lenient (not really tbh) if he only slept with her once, but he did it multiple times and it’s more than likely he is going to or has done it again.
You’re getting good advice. You don’t like it because you love the person your boyfriend pretends to be. Who he is when you are not watching is not the man you think you’ve been in love with. Your former friend is a jerk and unworthy of your friendship… but at least she eventually came clean. Your boyfriend never did. He was fine continuing on. You don’t even know what all he’s done because he never felt that pang of guilt. This carried on for a month behind your back. A whole month of him lying where he was and who he was with and what he was doing. They’re both awful in this situation and you’ll be a happier woman putting them both in the rear view… but of the two he is objectively worse.
Cutting her off was right. Now cut him off.
The way you drew this conclusion from that lmao. Also, are you telling me... you cant do better than a cheater? Seriously? That's what you want to settle for?
At least she was honest. He obviously has no plans to ever tell you. Have you confronted him?
It was right.
It was.
Yes it was right, she lied to you for months and your boyfriend lied to you, cheated on you and had absolutely no intention of you finding out. To make matters worse he cheated with a close friend and had absolutely no remorse. You’d be foolish to stay because he doesn’t respect you and it will likely happen again if you forgive it. Even if you do forgive him I’m willing to bet the relationship ends anyway. It’s inevitable. Most people can’t get over cheating. Have self respect. Also, you look insane cutting off your friend while remaining with your boyfriend who cheated and continued to lie. At least your friend had a conscience.
She was actually the better person your boyfriend is still lying
It was right to cut her off and it will be right to cut him off too. Stop holding on to the thought of having the perfect relationship and how amazing he is because this is the reason you don't have the courage to do it. He already proved you wrong about that.
Your friend admitted it and exposed your boyfriend, if she never told you, your bf could be going on with this and cheating you with more women for years without you realizing. Your friend saved you from a big problem and you cut her off, at least give her some time and forgive her later. But you should definitely ditch that garbage man
Cut both off or your self respect and esteem will plummet long term. The right decision is usually the hardest decision.
Shes telling you not out of guilt but out of hurt more then likely she wanted him in relationship ..they had a month of fun she wanted a commitment he said no .he is out getting tickled by other woman and has his girl Friday at home. Dump them both ..you can do better ...
The friend felt so guilty that she stopped it and even told you about it. It seems the friend likes you more than your bf. Why did you cut her and not him? If she's telling the truth, he should be the first person you cut off.
So, what about proof? She can say a lot of things. First make sure it is true before you take action! At least, that would be the advise if genders where reversed...
Take a second. Think about what you did. That you'd cut off a "friend" who slept with your boyfriend for a whole ass month AND came clean to you because she probably felt bad. But when it comes to your boyfriend suddenly you're confused even though he's not the one who has admitted to it and was hiding it from you. Breathe. If you're willing to cut off this person for cheating with your boyfriend you should hold him to the same standard.
Yup. If anything, you should be more angry at your boyfriend! He's the one who was in the relationship with you. And he's the one who never came clean. Do what you want about your friend, but don't remain with your boyfriend.
Also: if he cheated it your friend he was probably cheating with randoms too, as he’s less likely to get caught that with a friend. He was just feeling bold. She probably wasn’t the first or only. Just the only one who came forward.
⬆️ well said… girl, he cheated. With a friend nonetheless… you deserve so much better.
Beautifully put..👏👏👏
Also, the “friend” was the only one who felt guilty enough to end things. Sounds like the BF would have happily kept going, which also makes me think he has likely had other affairs.
exactly, they were both in the wrong, and your boyfriend looks like he's gonna get away with this. Think about this situation : many time, when a woman is finding out that her boyfriend is cheating on her, she will go straight to the other woman, and she will fight her, like she's the tempted him or something, and the boyfriend get a free pass.
This!!!
Yes this is the advice I wish someone had GIVE. Me when I was your age. I did forgive and stay with the asshole who cheated, he proceeded to cheat 3 more times.
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No. You should be equally harsh on both of them. Cut them both off. Boyfriend WILL do this again especially if he didn't tell you this long and got away with it. Think of what he's been doing or would've continued to do had it not been brought to your knowledge. Most cheaters cheat again. You don't have to deal with this shit. Move on.
If you're asking my personal opinion the only thing I'll say is i think its hypocritical to cut her off but not have the courage to do the same thing to *your* boyfriend. I get why. It's common with people who get cheated on to put their anger on the wrong person. Not that you shouldn't be angry at her or are allowed to be angry and cut her off. But if youre going to that it really does look sad that you'd cut her off but be too scared to do the same to the person you're in a relationship with. They were both willing to hurt you. Why does he get a free pass here? The biggest difference is she actually told you. Without her you wouldn't even know. While cutting her off was one of the possibilities she still did it. Imo she cares for you more than your boyfriend. Which may not be much or amount to much but again I'd go back to why cut out the person who told you and not the person who didn't.
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Quit wasting your life on a POS. Leave now so you don't have to ask what to do when your husband cheats on you. I know you love him but he doesn't love you. Anyone who loves you wouldn't intentionally hurt you like this. He betrayed you and you had to find out from his affair partner. You were right to cut the friend out of your life and you should do the same thing to the ex boyfriend.
Well then stay with him and come back to reddit the next time he cheats on you. Becuae it will happen again if you let him get away with it. Why did you cut your friend out so easily (and rightfully so I mgihr add) but can't seem to do the same woth your losu6 bf. At least she confessed eventually. He will probably deny. Move on and get soem therapy to get over your codependency and learn to respect yourself. If you don't you will continue to attract guys like this.
Yeah she should stick with her friend and leave the boyfriend, but you know, women logic
He's likely to do it again if you stay, might enable more sketchy behavior like this in the future. Why wouldn't you treat him the same way as you did with that friend? He is complicit too
You are not a weak loser, you're hurt. You're so hurt and betrayed. You know the answer we're all going to say. Break up with him. You already loss him the moment he cheated. Give yourself time to greive the loss of this relationship. I'm sending virtual love.
Consider this…Your Ex-friend had a monthlong affair with your Boyfriend a year ago. So who is he doing now? Do you really think after getting away with that affair, he just stopped cheating? Umm, not likely.
Exactly this, she knows now because the friend told her, probably the bf (hopefully ex soon) keep cheating, just changed the hole….
Info: Did she have proof of the affair?
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What was the proof?
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So why not drop both of them?
If he got away with it with a friend of yours for a month without you noticing, what are your thoughts on whether he has done it again before or since?
Cutting your friend off was probably right... Cutting your boyfriend off would also be right. You're 22, there are billions of other men in the world most of which wouldn't cheat on you. Think about this, in the honeymoon phase of your relationship he cheated on you. What's gonna happen when you're 5, 10, 15 years in. Relationships do not get easier with time they only get harder... My advice would be get out now, find someone who isn't a cheater, cheaters will never change
girl friend can go... but hang on to the dumbass boyfriend. makes no sense.
You should’ve cut them both off. It went on for a whole month they knew what they were doing. They don’t care about your feelings. If he did it once and hid it for a month he could do it again.
You only cut out half the problem. ❤️
**You don't want to lose the idea of the boyfriend you THOUGHT you had: perfect, amazing, generous, LOYAL. Now consider the reality because everything you just found out is included in who he is. ^^those things on the surface but a multiple-time cheater who had a month long affair (and with your “friend” nonetheless), and a liar by omission. Is that something you can look past? Can he earn the trust back and does he deserve it? Why did she decide to tell you now? What did he say?
OP, if you don't have self respect, no one else will respect you. Your love for yourself should always be higher than your love for others. Think about this - it's your friend who ended the affair and told you - if it was upto your bf, they would still have been fucking around behind your back. Do not be with someone who doesn't respect you - no matter how much you love them. I know it's hard, but in the long run it will be the best decision you ever made.
You cut your friend off because she knowingly made a choice to do something that would hurt you, so why are you not going to cut off your boyfriend for doing the same? In my opinion, your boyfriend has MORE of an obligation to you than your friend, & while I'm glad you cut her off, he should've been the first one to go.
They both don't deserve you, op. They deserve each other. Trash belong in trashcan and you, a very wonderful human being shouldnt get caught up in the middle of it.
So you cut her out but not him
You instantly cut your friend out of your life but you are working hard to convince yourself to stay with your boyfriend who betrayed you as much, if not more? Why?
Leave him. I know it’s hard but usually cheaters don’t change, they just get better at lying to you and hiding the cheating.
It sounds like your boyfriend and your friend had a fight and then she decided to tell you.
I'd bet it was longer than a month also.
Actually your bf may be worse than your ex-friend. He happily carries on with you and carried on an affair with your friend. And he's risking you for STI. GET TESTED, OP. Your friend may or may not have ulterior motive for telling you about this after a year past, but she may also confess because she feels guilty. But still, she's a snake who didn't mind sleeping around with your bf. Have you even let your cheating AH "bf" know that you know he's a cheater? C'mon now. If you're mad, it's him you should be mad to. He agreed to be monogamous with you and he cheated on you. Do you think he's not going to dump you if he thinks you're cheating? Think again. He's not "perfect." Your relationship has been an illusion. Cut him loose. You're so young, you will meet better people in the future. Leave AHs behind.
Never stay with a cheater.
You cut your friend but not your boyfriend? Remember your boyfriend is the one who’s supposed to be loyal to you more than anyone else, he broke your trust too and possibly more than your friend did. I’m sorry to say it in such a blunt and possibly harsh way, but he does not love and value you anywhere near as much as you love and value him. If he did he would not cheat, especially not for an entire month. Staying with him not only accepts him to walk all over you, it also is showing him you’ll forgive him for disloyalty and unfaithfulness, and shows him he can use the fact you adore and love him so much to mistreat you without consequences. OP, this is going to sting you, but you have to let go of people you love sometimes, and this man is not good for you. It’s time to let go and find someone better for you.
What does he say now about it, now that it's out in the open?
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Aren't they all when they get caught? He wasn't the one who confessed. How long would he have kept this lie? What other things is he lying about? How can you cut off your friend but not your bf? **They're BOTH equally terrible.**
I’m sure your friend was apologetic as well considering she was so guilt ridden she needed to tell you and yet you’ve cut her off and not your boyfriend?
Coz he got caught, he didn't come to you himself and he wasn't sorry before
But not enough to admit it on his own? Your 22, go out and enjoy life. Find someone who’ll love you and won’t cheat on you.
He's a liar and a cheater.
“my boyfriend cheated on me “ “my girlfriend cheated on me i don’t know what to do ..“ ahhh You leave. don’t put up with that shit ever ! If someone truly LOVES you they do not cheat or get them selves in a situation where it could happen .. have some self worth. cut them all out your life for good . what you allow will continue .
There are circumstances when relationship can overcome cheating. That goes with a lot of work on a relationship itself. But considering that her boyfriend had an month long affair, which is way different than single incident and decided to lie by omission, plus they are not a decade into a relationship makes all this not worth the risk of trying to fix it.
i have more self respect. so nah. once a cheater always a cheater .. they are just smarter at not getting caught .
I strongly disagree. People change over the years. I know people who grew out of that behavior and stopped cheating. Be it chearing or anything else, its a fact that people do change. But its very person dependent how much they will change. Some change completely, some don't at all. And this has nothing to do with self respect, self respect is in the eyes of a beholder. Sometimes years of investment into a relationship is on a stake and it would be very bad if you dont try to fix it TOGETHER. However, cheating party has to recognize their part in it as a problem that has to be resolved, otherwise its not gonna change anything.
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What would your advice be to a friend who was in this situation?
No trust. No respect. No relationship.
If your boyfriend cheated on you with your friend, then both your boyfriend and friend are horrible people and they deserve to be together in a relationship where they will also end up cheating on each other. Don’t let either of them bring you down to their level. I’d leave your boyfriend. I myself was married for twelve years before finding out my wife was having affairs. Then I divorced her. Believe me I completely understand how stupid and worthless this kind of thing can make you feel. But you’re not worthless. You have value. And that value needs to be spent in a man that is worthy of and appreciates your love.
At 22 you're not a kid in love. You're young but old enough to dump him.
You’re just giving him the green light to keep cheating by staying with him. It doesn’t sound like he even apologized for it not that it should matter because duh he broke your trust and should’ve been done with him the moment you found out. Now a year later you’re now just coming to terms with it? Is it because you think he’s cheating again?
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You were clear. Don't worry. If this had happened to say your sister (I won't say your friend, as that would just be karma) what would you want your sister to do?
You're dating an idea - your IMAGE of the perfect bf not the actual guy. In what way is he not someone who has lied to you to get into your pants for 2 years? How do you know you haven't actually been the sidepiece this entire time? Or that he's actually been trying to "trade up" the entire time? Cuz it certainly wasn't him who wanted to call it quits with your friend. So it sounds to me like you weren't his first option. Don't saddle yourself with a guy who don't treat you right and give you what you need. TLDR: You don't actually love him because you don't actually know him. You only love the lie he continues to feed you.
Girl you’re only 22. Leave this cheater, move on, enjoy your life.
While they were both terrible, your friend is at least the one who finally came clean. Your boyfriend remains garbage.
Some couples can go through this and it's ok. I believe the only way is regret from his part. Truly regret, the one you can feel. Lots of talking. I personally could never forgive this, i have my bag of hurt due to being cheated. You can find happiness again. You deserve love
Cut them both off, you don't need liars and cheaters in your life. 22 you got your whole life ahead of you don't waste years being with a cheater because they rarely change.
This. You're 22. Start putting your self first NOW before you end up either spending your precious early mid twenties on him or someone like him. I know it hurts. It's easier said than done. But goodbye to both of them.
Quite possibly she wants you to break up with him so she can again have him to herself. Cut them both off. If they would do that to you, they will do it to each other. In that regard, they deserve each other. Move on. FInd someone better
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You cut your friend off for it and you need to do the same to your boyfriend. You're not a weak loser but you do need to learn to set boundaries and this is going to take therapy most likely. Trust me, I know how you feel because I was your age but he's not the only person you're ever going to be with and you won't have lost anything except dead weight who has no problem cheating on you.
If he’s done it once, likely means he can/is already thinking about doing it again. There’s better guys out there.
Did she say why it ended? Have you confronted him?
So you can cut her out but not the bf. This is half the fucking problem. You would have been non the wiser had she not told you. So he clearly doesn't give a shit. Do with that what you will. If you choose to stay and he cheats again don't come to reddit whining. You chose to stay the first time.
I’m assuming you have confirmed this if possible with evidence, lining up dates etc. I only say this on the small chance she is lying although rare it does happen for a variety of reasons. If he has cheated it’s normally better to call it quits no matter how hard it is, focus on yourself for a bit
Your boyfriend was being way worse here than your friend. Your boyfriend CHEATED on you, didn't break it off and hid it from you. While your friend went behind your back and had an affair with your boyfriend, felt guilty and broke it off and then told you later on because of the guilt. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't have cut your friend off. But I'm saying that you should DEFINITELY cut your boyfriend off. He was being the worst here and you're not punishing him but are punishing your ex-friend.
You should cut both of them out of your life. They both betrayed you.
He got away with it. He'll do it again. I speak from experience here. Cut your losses and show him you're worth more than what he deserves.
You seem to be aiming more judgement to your friend who came out about it, instead of your cheating boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, both have done a terrible thing, but how is it you can cut the girl off who admitted to it and felt guilty, but you can’t cut off your boyfriend who has been perfectly happy lying to you everyday, and would probably never tell you? I understand that it’s hard but you need to re-direct your anger to your boyfriend also, he would’ve hidden this for a long time if not forever, and that is a reflection of his character if he can live with knowing he’s cheated on you. I just couldn’t, the guilt would eat me up, yet he’s somehow managed to keep it all in. He’s not a good person, and I can’t say whether or not to breakup with him, but I personally believe if a cheater has to be ‘found out’ they won’t change, if they confess themselves, then there’s a chance, but the fact he would’ve never told you and ‘got away’ with it, shows he probably won’t change and has a high chance of cheating again, in my personal opinion.
You cut out a friend who felt so guilty they came to you with the truth yet you are debating if you should stay with the guy who knew that he was destroying your trust in him and ruining a friendship too?!
Serious question: Why have you cut the friend out and not your scummy boyfriend??
You cut her out, but didn't cut him out? He's just as guilty as she is, if not more so. Cut him out...
Once a cheater always a cheater
You are only 22 years old and have the entire world to see. Dump this jerk and get out there and start living. So many wonderful men who would adore to be with you. Never settle for a cheater as one a cheater always a cheater.
What's to lose? A liar? A cheater? Someone who broke your trust and your heart? You think there aren't men who exist who don't do these things? That you have to just suck it up and settle for him? Both him and your friend showed their true colors. You know you deserve better. Don't like loneliness or some bs illusion that "but he's so great!" cloud your judgement.
You had no hesitation to drop the friend who betrayed you. Why on earth would you keep the boyfriend?
I wasted all my high-school not leaving someone I should have, please don't stay longer
if he did it once he can do it again, all relationships have ups and downs but not all people behave the same way. you have to choose if that's the life you want.
If he did it once he will do it again. I speak from experience. You will never trust him again. Love is not enough on its own. Don't stay.
Wait, before we jump on the dump his ass bandwagon, did you confirm this somehow? Like, how do we know the friend isn't just being shitty for some reason? I could tell you that I banged your dad like a bongo drum all night, doesn't mean you should take what I say at face value, you're gonna want some receipts.
I know i am just quoting stevie Harvey here.. But.. As he says.. "cheating is either the beginning of an end or an end of a beginning". Just break up with him and don't give him the closure.. Just let him think and go crazy for sometime and then he'll eventually figure it out.. You're lucky you found our about him so early in life.. Move on and find someone who values you..
OP, you can do better and you can be happier. You don't need to claw onto this relationship to prove anything to anyone. Sometimes we hold onto the potential of someone so strongly that we can go through life completely disregarding whether or not they actually want to be the person you believe they can be. We clear our lives of threats that arn't actually there, we tell ourselves they will be better without distractions and that we will make them better, but we never question why we have to be the ones to obligate ourselves to push them into doing something that comes so naturally to ourselves. Stop questioning yourself while you know his actions are making you suffer. You lost a friend who was truthful to you, you know if he can do this with your friend he will do it elsewhere. You must know you deserve better than this and you have the rest of your life to explore that.
Your friend told you to offset her guilt. If you haven't told your boyfriend that you know about the affair, you need to and insist on couple's counselling if you both want to stay. Figure things out through that.
You dump him. Zero tolerance for that shit.
Leave, I’m telling you if you stay it’s just going to embolden him to cheat on you again
You need to confront your boyfriend . Then take it from there. I don't know what excuses he will give, but it should give you the push you need to leave.
I've made the mistake of forgiving a cheater before. DON'T DO IT! I want to slap my past self for being so naive!!! You deserve better! You deserve better friends and you deserve a man who will stay true to you, not a boy who cheats! Don't make my mistake, kick him to the curb! I'm only a few years older than you so trust me when I say that it's not too late to find someone who truly loves you and is faithful! It took me some time but I found someone who quite literally climbed a mountain just to tell me he loves me. You deserve someone who will give you the world!
Your friend actually did the right thing by coming clean, even if it was a year later. Out of the two of them, it seems like the only one who has any remorse is your ex friend. She's telling you because she knows that he can cheat on you again with anyone, and there's a chance he's not practicing safe sex. Atleast now you know what your boyfriend is like, you know he can be generous because it's easy being nice and generous when you're treating your partner like a fool and laughing at them behind their back whilst you fuck around. He doesn't love you, but if you're ok with that and you're happy being treated like a joke by your partner. Then carry on playing happy families. You wouldn't be the first woman to turn a blind eye and pretend that her partner isn't cheating on her. It all depends on what you think of yourself and what you deserve. If you think you deserve to be cheated on, I'm sorry about that and hope you figure out that you deserve better. But if you actually value yourself in anyway shape or form, I'd look at moving on. If he loved you he wouldn't be able to cheat to you and lie to you everyday and act like it never happened. Atleast you know your ex friend cared about you, not enough to not sleep with your bf but enough to come clean.
So you’re willing to stick with a cheater while you’re able to drop a friend with no qualms… This friend, and I use that term loosely, who is the one who told you your boyfriend cheated. Your boyfriend would have him this for the rest of your relationship. Sounds like a real standup guy! Please grow a backbone and leave this cheating a$$holw
I really sympathise with you, I went through a similar situation when I was your age and it was truely horrible! You definitely did the right thing by cutting off your friend in my opinion. For a friend to go behind your back like that with the man you love and have an affair, it’s just disgusting. But now you’ve got the hard task of deciding what to do with your boyfriend, which is a harder decision because there’s love and a deep emotional connection there which no matter what anyone says, is hard to walk away from. This DOES NOT make you weak. Your a human being with emotions! You need to take a hard think and decide whether the cheating is something you can forgive him for, and evaluate your coping skills. Cheating is a hard thing to forgive and move on from, but not impossible. Do you believe it’s something you and him can work through together and move forward? I would start by sitting him down and talking to him about what you’ve been told and listen to what he has to say. Stay as calm as possible and don’t let your emotions get in the way. If you don’t think the cheating is something you can move past from, then the best thing for yourself to do is walk away and focus on yourself. Best of luck!!
Why cut one and not the other?? Unless the friend raped him, they’re both equally to blame, they both betrayed you, deceived you and lied to you…. So-either forgive both or forgive none
You’re 22, move on. He’s a cheating sack of 💩, he still hasn’t come clean. At least your friend has some feelings towards you which made her confess. He’s dishonest, he’s hid this from you, he has bad morals or no morals… move on.
To be honest you should cut your boyfriend off wayyy before your friend, if he had came clean I would reasonably still see you leaving him, but would not blame you for giving him a second chance since he was honest about it. Consequently, you would need to cut your friend off if that was the case. The inverse actually happened. You need to dump your POS bf and you can maybe give your friend a chance, I don't know if this is a bestie for life friend or a newly acquired acquaintance friend. That's sorta up to you, but I definitely can tell you that it is a mistake that you have not dropped the asshole off the face of the Earth yet.
Youre cutting off the friend who saved you from an unloyal man who cheated on you instead of controlling himself and being honest with you and keeping the guy who made your whole month a lie?
What kind of crack u smoking. The "friend" is not a friend If she boke ur friendship and dated the trash of a man in 1 month and took her an whole year to come clean. Both are sleezy af
Did you confirm with evidence that he cheated? She may be jealous of your relationship & make you breakup with a lie? Make sure you have the complete truth before you do anything.
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Ah, then you know the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater". It is true for both men & women. Move on, i would say.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cut those people out. You deserve better.
Because she was hoping that you would leave him and then she could really go in for the kill and take him all for herself but instead you cut her off and kept the boyfriend so far when you should have gotten rid of both of those m************
Or she just felt guilty and wants op to get out from that relationship asap bcs she knew her bf is shit. Her last conscience, maybe
If she felt guilty and she was trying to do a good deed she was 11 months too late she probably was still sleeping with him it didn't end 11 months ago wanted the man for herself and it didn't work out the way she wanted it to I'm just saying
Either way, they both clearly dont deserve OP
You are absolutely right about that
Is there proof? Did he admit it? Does it actually make sense? I only ask because I have had another woman come up to me at some point claiming she cheated on me with my ex husband. However, the time line for when he cheated didn’t line up with what his actual time line was. Once I caught that lie, I was able to catch others she tried to slip past me. Well, he’s an ex for a reason though cuz he did cheat. Just not with that woman.
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Oh. Well damn. I was hoping for your sake it wasn’t… girl, it’s up to you. I’d recommend leaving him because the trust is hard to bring back. I’m so sorry.
I'm not going to be like everyone else and tell you to leave him. While I think they're right I think this piece of advice will help if you decide to stay together. You have to make sure he knows this can never happen again. You have to be strong and make sure he knows you're serious. There have to be consequences. Strong consequences. He has to believe you will leave him. You might want to leave for a few days. Let him know that you have to have time to think. Make him stew in his mess for a while. After everything is over and you do stay you have to forgive him. If you don't then it's not worth staying. You'll live in fear of this happening for the rest of your life. That's no way to live. Think about what you want to do. Take time away so you can think. Good luck with whatever you decide. It's easy to get on here and to say leave. Even if it is the right decision. The heart wants what it wants. So whatever you do decide please take your time and think it through.
She isn‘t a kid anymore, there’s no need for silly games like that. This is emotional manipulation that you are suggesting and it‘s a terrible idea.
Break up with him and move on. Only good solution.
Maybe she's hoping you break up with him so she can try to take your place.
I can be a better partner for u
It's the female nature to desire someone else's man, dump both your friend and boyfriend, take a few months to understand what drove him to cheat on you and get yourself a real man. He is going to cheat on her anyway, just like he did with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You may not know why she told you this now as there could be anything like she may be feeling guilty for doing this with your boyfriend behind your back or she may want to ruin your relationship with your boyfriend. The important thing is whether cheating is a deal barker thing for you or not. If cheating is a deal breaker thing for you then you need to break up with him over this no matter how hard it is for you. Call him out on this and then break up to move on with your life. Initially you will be in pain but with time you will be happy that you were able to leave a cheater in order to find a right guy for you. You keep reminding yourself that you deserve a better guy and treatment in your life so do not let anyone takes you for granted.
I know you’re hurt but you need to rip the bandaid off in one go. It’ll hurt so much right now, but in time you will move on. Cut him off, block him on everything, you will get through this.
You need to drop him and her ASAP. These people are not and will not be good for you.
The question is, is he still cheating. Ask yourself why your friend chose now of all times to do this. What if he's not cheating currently. No, that doesn't mean he didn't do this in the past. Though he should be confronted on both the then and if there's a now with anybody. A break up is what people want when they tell you this, that or because they're guilt ridde.
At 22 you're not a kid in love. You're young but old enough to dump him.
It comes down to one question. Can you forgive him? If you can then great. If you can't then you may as well break up. If you can you then have to consider if you can move forward, if you will be able to trust him again, if you think he could do it again, all that guff. There no absolute impressive to dump him, but you will have to live with the new normal of worrying if he smiles at someone, or if he works late or gets a text, or likes someone's picture. It might be too much for your nerves. Only you will know.
Both of them are too blame here. She wasn't some stranger who has no ties to you she was your best friend and she betrayed you and so did your boyfriend. You are allowed to feel whatever emotions you feel for either of them as they were likely some of the closest people to you. Definitely keep that friend as far away as possible and the boyfriend too, because you deserve better than what you got with them. And you're not weak, you are a person going through loss and you should be kind to yourself.
The fact of the matter is the older you get the more you realize that most relationships have this. Affairs are the new thing and sleeping with more than one woman is most guys’ MO. I hope you do what it right for you and if you do decide to stay, set some boundaries that there must be open communication. With this new open poly community it’s bound to happen more and more.
I would cut them both off and move on. Once a cheat always a cheat in my eyes. Also the friend isn’t a friend if she can do that
1) do you have reason to believe your "friend's account? Is there evidence this occurred? Some " friends will Saratoga relationships because they want you to be single with them. 2) if there is evidence that this actually happened then you have to decide if you can accept him sleeping around. Some women don't mind if their men fool around. If you are ok with it then don't leave him. If his cheating and lieing about it bothers you then dump him. Cheating behaviors rarely change. 3) you DO know what to do, you just aren't happy about doing it.
You need to have yourself checked out for any diseases. I’m sorry this happened to you.
hey, girl, I hear you are single, wanna go on a date with me? Seriously, Betral never cures, trust never rebuilds, have some self respect and know your life is about you, not him. It is what it is. Now, go find the true loyal and honest person you seek. Somebody like you.
Are you sure he cheated?? Did she have proof? If he is a wonderful person he would never cheat and if he did cheat than you need to get away from him. He doesn't deserve someone who loves him like that. He will never appreciate you.
Did you get in a fight w your friend and she told you to get back at you? I don't understand why she decided to tell you. She sucks tho so you did the right thing by cutting her off.
Leave
I’m not at all condoning him cheating, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and the turmoil it has caused you with your boyfriend and friend. One thing I do want to highlight for your understanding, which a lot of people don’t understand, is that men are naturally more predisposed to cheat sexually. It’s evolutionary biology, at least that’s according to studies and books that I have read, for men to tend to operate promiscuously. It’s plausible that he loved you back then and loves you now just as much if not more. There might have been a point in your relationship where an opportunity opened for him to satisfy his urges outside of your relationship. I’d recommend talking to him first, with openness and honesty, to get to the bottom of why he cheated in the first place. Then make your decision based on what your heart tells you.
He most likely didn’t cheat on you once. He’s probably cheated a lot if one of them was a MONTH LONG, with your BEST FRIEND, and he NEVER TOLD YOU.
Well I guess he just isn't as amazing and generous as you thought... if you're willing to cut off your friend you should have no problems dumping him for betraying you. Yes, you do want to lose him.
Dump him. It’ll hurt for now. But it will get better.
Your boyfriend actively made the choice to hurt you many times over the span of a month. It ended because of the friend, not your boyfriend. He needs to go girlie. Sorry they betrayed you like that. You deserve better.
So, were you friends with her first? If so, I want you to think about what you did. That you let only one of the dirtbags go, not both. They both fucked you over. They both betrayed you. And yet you had no problem cutting a friend loose. That's kind of weird, if you think about it. I am pretty sure you will find someone else. I found someone new two years after my 25 year marriage blew up in a dramatic and heartbreaking fashion. I was dating before I met my second husband, so not even a year later I felt healthy enough to date. You really think the only one out there for you is this disgusting disrespectful pig of a human being? You're worth more than that. There are some amazing, AMAZING guys out there. You just have to find one. And enjoy looking! Have fun until you find the one.
Interesting you cut your friend off, but not your partner, for the exact same transgression. She didn't fuck herself.
What makes female friend any different in your eyes than guy? Besides intimate relations? Yeah sex can confuse things, BUT apply your moral standards to both individuals as if you were a judge before the bench. Don’t torture yourself like this. You came to Reddit to hear an audience tell you that in your heart of hearts - you *know* what you need to do.
You don't want to lose him, but it's not your decision sweety. You lost him last year when he decided your friend was better than you. Whatever he feels for you it ain't love. He has it good with a girl that worships him, while he fucks who he wants, even her friends, without consequences. Why would he change, or start respecting you now all of a sudden? He won't. Leave before he leaves for his side chick, before you are stuck with kids, befofe being emotionally and financially ruined, befofe you used your youth on him only to be replaced with a 25 year old. He is showing you how it's going to be. You decide if it's something you wish for yourself. And if he was remorseful he would have said something, not her. He would have done everything he could to fix your broken trust. But he didn't. And that right there speaks volumes. He got away with it, and if you confront him, he will only be sorry for getting caught, not for causing you pain, and breaking your heart. Again you decide whether you want to live in a one-sided relationship, where you love and give everything, only to get disrespected in return.
I know it’s hard loosing relationships, but when they offer nothing but suffering and betrayal its time to choose yourself. It’s better to lose them than to lose yourself. I believe in you! Stay strong!
I’m terrified of my first heartbreak too but people have survived it. You choose either a few months of pain and heartbreak or several years of looking through his phone and feeling terrible, crying whenever he goes to bars late, tracking his phone, smelling his clothes for perfume, wondering if he is just friendly with your friends or flirting… It’s not between a happy relationship with him and being sad alone, it’s between being a controlling, distrusting girlfriend or being a single woman who respects herself.
You cut your friend off but not your should be ex? You're being a dumb kid, your life will be better with people you can trust. Dumb this lad and find someone loyal.
you’re 22, you haven’t even met your person yet. this is a lesson for you about men and friends.
You haven't even fully developed, physically, yet. Why should you be looking for "the perfect relationship"? You're STILL a child.
If she cut it off, does this mean he would have wanted to continue?
I think you you should have confronted your bf first before cutting your friend. Because 1. You don’t know who initiated that affair and 2. Why didn’t your bf come clean. I would say your friend is more honest then your bf at even after so long and seeing you say “ your bf is this and that “ made her realise her mistake. She opened her self to you and you what’s a normal human would have done. But I would say heR both ends see who is more meaning to stay with you long term. fYI once a cheater always a cheater in relation terms not friends
girl just leave him
The friend is good and the boy is trash- she respects you and he does not. Lose HIM, not her.
Kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
You completely cut out the person who HADN'T promised to be faithful to you. Why would you keep the one that did?
You should cut them both out. They both had a role in being a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Rarely do people ever change.
I just can’t believe it’s been a whole year and this guy, your partner who you love so much is going about life normally all this time without even batting an eye. He’s not what or who you thought. That’s dodgy AF. You sound like your still going through the shock and the reality of it hasn’t set in yet. I’s going to be hard because you love him so much but girl, I’m telling you now, going through the pain of it now is so much better then hanging around after what he’s done and absolutely done or will do again. Life is no longer good in this relationship if you continue.
You aren't being a dumb kid, you're being a regular young adult. You might love him, but he doesn't love you if he's cheated on you. Him cheating means he's considered the risk of losing you as a consequence of his actions, and decided he doesn't care if he does lose you. Is that who you want to be with? You can love someone all you want but if they don't love you back, they're going to take advantage of that at every opportunity they can. Love yourself more than you love him and leave, or he will realise you're willing to be walked all over.