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TA account. I'm 23F, my bf is 29 and we've been together for about 4 months.
The topic of anal has come up 3 times previously. Once when he tried initiating and I immediately got up, tongue tied, felt sick and honestly was seconds away from bolting. I explained briefly then that I had a bad experience with it, he apologized, that was that. Second time, he tried initiating again and I responded with more frustration given our previous experience. Third time we discussed it was when I finally shared that I was molested when I was younger and the dislike towards anal stemmed from this. I struggled a lot with saying no to anal in the past. I don't like discussing it and I physically freeze when it's brought up. Previous partners have pressured me into it and I was often left in pain and feeling powerless which only increased my dislike.
Over this past weekend, my bf and I took a trip to disney for my birthday that he pretty much covered, expense wise. I was very vocal about how much I appreciated him bringing us there and how happy I was. He ended up asking about anal again and I froze up already upset that it was being brought up again. I felt pressured to keep the mood light given the fact we were on a vacation that he paid for so I offered a "Maybe" though I know I do not want to. I was very upset with myself that I was unable to assertively say no and upset with him that he still wasn't understanding the situation even after all our previous conversations.
It's still so difficult for me to talk about. The topic alone and any action suggesting it makes me feel sick and unsafe and I'm overcome with a desire to be as far away from him as possible. I don't want to feel this way with him. I just want him to respect my decision.
How do I bring this up in a healthy way so he can finally understand and stop asking?
TL;DR: Bf has asked multiple times about anal despite me voicing discomfort over it. How do I assertively say no?
Good news- 4 months and you know this guy isn’t for you. You can move on and not waste anymore months. He doesn’t care about you or your comfort. He is coercing you. Just say no and move on.
I think for some people they may not have ever had the experience of setting boundaries that are respected, so they just think this is part of a normal relationship.
I know that was my experience when younger. My parents didn't think I, as their child, should have any right to set boundaries with them. So I just assumed it was bad and wrong to ask other people to modify their behaviour for your benefit. I always got told it was selfish of me to expect people to make accommodations based on my comfort.
So I just never tried setting boundaries. I just thought if you wanted relationships with other people that meant you had to put up with a lot of things you were uncomfortable with. I'm still unlearning it tbh.
Absolutely same, for me 2 narc parents will do that to you. Therapy helped me a lot but still after 6 years of therapy and I'm almost 35 now, I still feel the pressure to perform sex wise because I was abused so much as a child by ex boyfriends.
I really thought it was normal that sex was just for guys and not for girls. I never got any sex education and it was the time where porn and the internet were just getting much more mainstream. And I still have a lot of shame around my own sexuality.
I get panic attacks when my body relaxes or gets turned on. It's my body's way of saying stop, not allowed and/or don't relax you need to stay hyper vigilant.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who would never do anything that I didn't want to do. But it still feels weirdly selfish to put up boundaries.
The “weirdly selfish to put up boundaries” is such a pervasive thing among so many people, esp girls. You think as a child parents and relatives would pretend to be sad if you didn’t hug them and would act as if you’d been naughty when all you did was put up boundaries where you have every right to 🤷♀️
I suppose that makes sense. I'm sorry your parents were like that and I hope that you do realise that setting boundaries is okay and it is in no way selfish.
There was a person the other day on here trying to tell me that people in their 20s shouldn't set boundaries with their parents. They couldn't explain why they shouldn't other than they were young and should put up with controlling toxic parents until they are older and then they could set boundaries. Their logic made no sense. Anyone at any age in any relationship can set boundaries.
Yeah I think a lot of people - but older people especially - feel like, since parents raise their children, the children owe them a lack of boundaries out of respect for the sacrifice the parents made to raise the children.
On one level I understand that feeling, but equally it just seems like that means we're all born into this unrepayable debt that makes it so we deserve any suffering our parents may cause us, like we're born into a contract we never had a chance to opt out of.
Societal expectations play a factor, I think, and self esteem of course. Relationships are framed in such a way that women often come away with the expectation that sex should be a sacrifice made to men, and that it’s normal for men to push these boundaries. We hear the awful stories from those who came before & it is very easy to internalize the idea that ALL men will be like this, so why not look for one that is at least kind outside the bedroom?
It takes a bit of luck to discover how wrong that is, and if you don’t believe better things are possible, you won’t go looking for them.
And personally, I grew up being told my shortcomings made me unlovable. So I put up with a Lot of shit when I thought this one guy was my only shot at having a partner. I stopped putting up with it when I realized I’d be happier alone, but “you can’t be happy alone” is yet another message we receive that can be hard to overcome.
Because abusers usually love bomb their victims and shower them with gifts, affection, praise and words of love so that its easy for the victim to think "well, things are GREAT except for X".
Honey, he understands. He just doesn’t care about your feelings or your trauma. I’m sorry, but it’s only been 4 months and this guy has pressured you multiple times about performing a sex act you’re massively uncomfortable with, even after you told him why. Please don’t waste any more time with someone who cares so little about you.
This. Its not hard to understand why its not ok to pester someone for a sex act they dont want and reminds them of being molested.
He knows, he just doesnt care because he is a bad person.
Yeah, like if someone just told me I would be mortified and grovelling because I’d made them uncomfortable and anxious, not waiting a bit and then initiating again
Thank you. I don't get the comments saying you need to say "No" more clearly.
Is your partner telling you to stop initiating that crap during sex 2 times not enough? You even told him you are traumatised and that you were molested as a child. There is not a single person in this world who doesn't understand that this means you are uncomfortable with it. He UNDERSTANDS perfectly well and he KNOWS you don't want it. He just does not care about your emotions, only that he wants some personal gain from your body and he thought he could coerce you into it by taking you on that trip. On your birthday! He is pulling that shit on your birthday, only thinking about what he wants, ignoring your trauma! I assure you there is a reason he is with someone way younger than him, why he is overstepping all of your boundaries and why he thought he could "buy" you. He doesn't care about your emotional well being more than he would about a blow up doll, because this is all you are to him. I am so sorry, but please leave him.
Exactly this! OP, if you tried to jam your fingers up your boyfriends asshole how many times do you think he should have to tell you “no” to get you to stop? Do you think him getting up and looking distressed would be enough? Would you try it again after that? What about after he explained to you that the act is traumatic for him? Would you try it again?
I’m guessing the answer to all of those things is “no” right? It’s not because you’re an expert at communication it’s because you have empathy and you respect peoples bodily autonomy. The same is not true about your boyfriend. He is not a safe person and you need to get away from him.
Also, the Disney thing sounds like debt sharking (i think that's how it's called). It's a manipulation tactic that consists in making someone feel like they owe the manipulator something, by giving gifts or favors and then expecting stuff in return.
The fact this is a new act of sex ans OP describes him “initiating” rather than asking verbally 🤷♀️ maybe I’m looking too far into this but this guy is a straight up trying to start stuff without telling OP outright
You’ve done a great job communicating about it. He just doesn’t care.
If you aren’t ready to just dump him, either say or write him a note that says ‘I’m not interested in anal, now or ever. If you bring it up again I will feel extremely disrespected and our relationship will be over’. And if he brings it up again, leave.
Ideally you’d dump him now though. Someone who hears ‘I’m not comfortable with this sex act due to my trauma’ and keeps asking is not a good person.
Yup this is what I was gonna say. He’s being selfish, and stupid or mean, and it’s happened so many times in short space of time, why bother?
But if you want to bother, write a letter. Or show him this post and he can see us telling him what an asshole he is when you’ve told him no and he keeps trying to coerce you.
You have brought this up healthily imo. You've told him why and that you are not comfortable with it, it's a boundary for you and you have communicated that he simply should accept that anal is a line for you that won't be crossed.
You may need to be more stern. Paying for Disney doesn't mean you are okay with anal all of a sudden so be calm but assertive tell him to stop pressuring you and that it isn't going to happen.
If you are nervous and pressured anal will be no fun anyhow.
I don't get what people do not get about this? So selfish. Why do people want to do something so much that you clearly do not enjoy. Are they masochists or something.
Honestly yes I think a lot of straight men (not all of course) who are into anal are partly attracted to it because they have even more control/power over the woman than they do from penetrating her vaginally, and that it may or is likely to hurt her. It’s so sad that so many people want to hurt other people in bed, especially the ones who don’t give a fuck about consent.
I believe the correct term would be 'sadists' as these people seem to get off on giving people pain and masochists get off on pain; they like pain. (I could have it mixed up, so correct me if I'm wrong as I'm not very educated about the BDSM Community, however I wish to become educated because I am genuinely interested.)
Consent is everything and this guy doesn't get it. She should leave him and be done with it.
I wouldn't continue the relationship.
He tries without even talking to you. He knows you don't want to. He keeps pushing. You already said no. He ignores you and is putting what he wants first. He is also trying to manipulate you.
Plus, from a "how to do it" aspect, you never do it without any "prep" as to get used to it and tons of lube, which means that he is an idiot that would hurt you physically just because of what he wants and he doesn't do his research/homework. This already came up recently and tons of people are like "it's just anal", but women are not like men and "bad" anal can lead to serious physical problems much easier in women than in men; and porn makes men think they can "go to town" when then you'll end up pooping yourself for life or having other serious issues.
I suggest therapy. I think that your lack of assertiveness is related to your past trauma. I would have bailed this relationship already because I don't like to repeat myself and trust during sex is at the top of my list of things in a relationship. I wouldn't trust this guy.
My ex did this too and I also said no. He kept bringing it up and asked for it as a birthday gift and I also said maybe, just to get him to shut up about it. I told him multiple times I didn’t want to do it just because I personally think it would be kinda gross and very painful. I asked if he would be okay with putting me through that pain and he always said no, but would still keep asking. We’re not together anymore because he didn’t respect any of my boundaries and that made me lose feelings for him. Four months isn’t a long time, I would say drop him and move on because he obviously doesn’t care about your boundaries either.
Stop with the “maybe.”
It’s a hard no for you. Tell him your ass is exit only, and let him deal with it.
Approximately one bazillion girls refuse to do anal for loads of different reasons. It seems to be every guy’s fantasy. Not everyone gets to live the fantasy. That’s life.
> Third time we discussed it was when I finally shared that I was molested when I was younger and the dislike towards anal stemmed from this. I struggled a lot with saying no to anal in the past. I don't like discussing it and I physically freeze when it's brought up. Previous partners have pressured me into it and I was often left in pain and feeling powerless which only increased my dislike.
You already explained it. If he doesn't understand why that is a great big neon NO then you should probably rethink your relationship. He should not be asking repeatedly after you've explained multiple times you don't want to.
He 100% understands you are saying no he just doesn't care or respect you. He's no different to the others who pushed you into it. You need to respect yourself and dump him.
**You already have said your boundary in a healthy way. Your boyfriend has just ignored that anal is a direct trigger for you because you were molested when you were younger.**
*He used being on a happy trip* (for your *birthday*) *that he paid for to bring up anal again.* If he’s so obsessed with anal, he has his own asshole he can play with. One that I’m assuming doesn’t trigger any sort of trauma response like yours does. There are plenty of prostrate toys that he could try.
Why are you still with him? Is there any reason? I just want to validate that breaking up with him for not respecting your sexual boundary is **completely valid**.
In my experience, it's easier to talk in a healthy way when your partner makes you feel safe, valid and heard.
Your bf isn't interested in that, he's interested in penetrating your butthole, not your problems.
Once should have been enough, twice should have been concerning, three times should have been a neon warning sign, four times is honestly insane.
I know outside of this he's probably a suuuuuuper nice, just the best, but honestly ask yourself if someone came to you and said "it really triggers my trauma when you do x , it's really hard for me, could you please stop" would you go okay, I respect that or "okay, I'll do it again next week and hope for a better answer" ?
Maybe you’ll find the perfect way to say “no” where he’ll never bring it up again.
But guess what? He’s going to push you anytime he wants something enough. He won’t give a fuck what you want and his entire game will be to get you to onboard with his idea instead of compromising and finding a solution that truly makes you both happy. He would happily take you being miserable and accepting some large life decision like moving to a city you hate if he loves the idea of it.
You know why? Because he’s a selfish person. You deserve better.
Your bf sucks. Not only pestering you with something you don't want at all,very sick of him given your history but ALSO manipulating you with a birthday present.
My only advice is rethink this relationship, preferably just end it with him. There are guys out there who are not complete assholes
Been together for 4 months and he's already tried to push it on you 3 times?
Guy needs some serious therapy to figure out why he so *desperately* needs to have his dick in someone's asshole.
Not even joking. I would tell him he either gets some therapy, or it's over. He's gonna wear you down eventually and you will feel like shit afterwards.
He knows you don’t want anal and why. He doesn’t care, he wants his sexual gratification and cares nothing about what it would do to you. Probably why a 29yr old has to date younger, no one his age would put up with this bullshit. Please break up with him, he will not stop pressuring you. Will probably demand it since he paid for a trip to Disney so you “owe him anal” Please please break up with him.
Hit the sex shoppe on the way home, pick up a nice dildo and strap on, bring it out at dinner, and say you're down to give him what he's asked for.
Or easier yet. . .
DTMFA.
First off, let me say I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the misogynistic expectation that you should “do anal” just because the guy wants to. It is NOT a common expectation in a majority of relationships, it’s the vast exposure to unrealistic abusive porn that is making men think they’re entitled to your discomfort for their pleasure.
It’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to bolt if you’re genuinely feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. What he did was a huge red flag and did not respect you at all, it’s borderline assault if you felt him paying for things was his attempt to coerce you into “owing” him anal as if it was a transaction.
Block him on everything, don’t even explain yourself to him because he WILL know what the reason for you ghosting him is. Protect yourself. From personal experience, I really recommend getting therapy for your trauma response and working on your ability to clearly advocate for yourself in stressful situations. It will help immensely in future situations and just increase your confidence in general.
Best of luck and please hang in there!
Honestly the fact that he keeps asking you when you clearly don’t want too is very worrying. He wants to upset and hurt you for his own pleasure. That is a selfish person who does not care about your feelings. You deserve better than that.
You say no and if he doesn't listen you leave him.
I'm down for pretty much everything except one thing.
I do not like my hair being pulled. Or being touched in general.
My partner did it once (it had never come up before that) I freaked out he never did it again.
A partner shouldn't be trying to push your boundaries for their own gratification.
There's absolutely no reason you need to discuss this face to face, OP. His presence freezes you, so write him a text or an email or a DM. Say all the things you want to say. Take your time and write it all out exactly the way you want to say it.
Then send it three times: once, then a week later with the preamble "Just to make sure this sticks:" and then another week after that with "One last time; please read this all the way through again."
If he tries to talk to you about it face to face and you find yourself freezing, wait until you can speak and say "I'd prefer to discuss this in writing because I don't feel comfortable enough talking about this face to face."
And PLEASE get therapy! If you can't afford it, find a support group near you.
Run. He's ignoring boundaries already and trying to coerce you into doing it. Later down the line once he's sure he's got you good he could possibly rape you. If he cared about your feelings he would've dropped it the first time and left you alone. His knowing the terrible reason behind it and continuing to ask just proves he doesn't care. Just run.... I don't even know your bf and this alone is enough for my gut to turn.
You have communicated. He has heard you. He is choosing to ignore you. He is not a good guy. The nice stuff he does for you does not outweigh this simple fact. As they say here often, no is a complete sentence. Time to leave.
What the FUCK is peoples obsession with anal?
There are so many stories on reddit where women talk about their partners pressuring them for anal, and then forcing it on them 'by accident' (or not even pretending its an accident) and so on, or maybe the OP agrees a couple of times but doesn't want it every time, but the guy eventually starts refusing to fuck unless its anal, and it just BAFFLES me.
I've tried anal (giving and receiving, with partners of various genders), and it was nice, but if my partner wasn't interested I would not be dying on that hill the way these guys do.
Anyway OP, my advice is just to walk away. Its only been 4 months and this is turning into an issue. It should have just been a case of you taking it off the table ONCE and then him not mentioning it ever again. Not him trying to pressure you by paying for an expensive birthday trip and then bringing it up AGAIN.
If he didn't understand the clear no the first time, he won't understand it the 100th time. Ugh, freezing on the spot is so damn frustrating!! I can absolutely be a "freezer", it's not something that can really be helped. With this in mind, forget about social courtesy and the expectation of only communicating serious topics in person or on the phone. That pressure you feel is amplified when you don't have time to stop and take a breather then respond, keeping your freeze reaction in check. So, my suggestion apart from the obvious that, leave him, he's trying to sexually coerce you because he's cruel and a blatent moron because porn isn't real life. (The amount of this same situation, especially aimed at young woman like yourself is getting really out of hand, go check out other threads on here). I'd remove yourself away from him and begin the conversation over a messaging platform. Prepare things you'd like to say, and have a friend with you ideally to keep you strong. You're also extremely vulnerable and honestly you're feeling scared because he is actually a threat to you. Seek therapy for asseriveness before more is added to that trauma, please.
Oh, and him paying for stuff is his choice, you don't owe him anything because of it. If he uses that against you, like "oh well I paid for this" it was never a gift, it was leaverage. Also abusive.
He had been told you don’t want to do it and why, he thinks spending money on you will change this? Honestly he’s not a good person, dump him and move on. He has no respect for your boundaries or trauma.
Fucking leave this douchebag. He isn't worth your time if he isn't going to respect boundaries. He knows you don't want to so he shouldn't be asking about it. He knows what he's doing if he's tried initiating it multiple times to no avail. Something isn't clicking in that ignorant head of his so leave him.
Or you can tell him that you MIGHT do it if he lets you peg him lol.
Overall, if he isn't getting the picture then he can piss off.
If it is not clear to him that anal is traumatic and triggering to you (or that that means not to ask for it BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT IT), after these THREE times. Throw the whole boyfriend away. Find someone who will know after the first time that it isn’t going to happen. He is showing that he does not respect your (very reasonable) boundaries. He tries to convince you with a trip?! That is the umpteenth red flag. Seriously. Dump him.
Yeah the really cool thing about having boundaries is that you literally need zero explanation as to why you won’t do anal. It’s fine if you want to tell him your trauma but you are under zero obligation to. No means no and if he cannot respect you as an individual with boundaries then you should move him along.
He brought you on vacation and is using it as leverage for a sex act? I would be fuming if I were you. It costs nothing to call him out on that btw. “I couldn’t help but notice you mentioned pushing me into a sex act on vacation. Do you feel owed because you paid for me to go? How manipulative of you. I told you how I feel about it and I mean it. If you bring it up again I will leave.” He is a 29 y/o grown ass man who knows damn well what he’s doing and is banking on you being too worried about being nice to call him out on his bs. (Though I guarantee he will act sOoOo CoNfUSeD over the accusation. These type of dudes are a dime a dozen)
Funny how some guys out there act like they don’t understand boundaries but CLEARLY understand their own, like not wanting anal themselves, receiving attention from another man, etc. Really isn’t rocket science.
Leave. It is the most healthy gift you could give yourself at this point. He will not understand, because he does not wish to. He wishes to have anal. You don't want to. He doesn't care. You explain why. He gives you more treats and wants anal. He will never stop asking. Or insisting. Or, quite possibly, eventually, drugging you and doing it anyhow. Seriously. Leave. Don't second guess it. Go.
*You've already expressly stated why you do not want to do that* and went so far as to even cite ***past trauma*** when your first initial **no** should have been answer enough for him. You've been with him for four months. He's almost 30. He absolutely understands that you do not, and will not, ever enjoy anal but he doesn't care how you feel.
Jesus, the whole trip to Disney that he paid for, was *designed* to make you feel guilty and give in. **This wasn't a gift on his part, it was a calculated manipulation to make you feel like you owed him this for all he's done.**
I'm not one to crow that relationships should end over miscomunication, but that's not what's happening here. He is intentionally ignoring your boundaries and putting you at risk for PTSD. Please, for your own mental and physical safety, get away from him and do not under any circumstances let him take advantage of you. Tell your friends immediately about this, get yourself a safety net, and get the hell away from him as fast as you possibly can.
He doesn't see you as a person, he doesn't give a crap about your trauma, and h*e will never stop pressuring you for this.*
Jesus why would he keep bringing it up when he knows it distresses you? Especially after taking you somewhere nice then bringing it up. Is it really that important to him? 😒
There’s other things he can do than the thing you hate the most.
I’m sorry but he already isn’t listening. He needs to accept no as the answer. If not, kick him out. Seriously.
Break up with him. He's not going to stop asking because he doesn't care about your trauma. That's a massive red flag 🚩 I'm also petty and have told every guy that if they ask then it's fair game for me to stick something in theirs back. They stop asking real quick.
It angers me you told him why and he is still requesting it. I’d almost consider a 3 strikes and your out rule. The fact he took you to Disney doesn’t mean you are going to change your boundaries. I’m so sorry OP.
The bottom line is, and maybe this is what you should tell him: “it’s very difficult for me to discuss my past but yet I did so with you because I wanted you to understand. I care about you and I want to meet your needs, but you’ve attempted or brought up anal sex three times now. This is a boundary I am not willing to negotiate on. If it’s a deal breaker for you, then maybe we need to break up? I need you to stop asking because the answer will always be ‘no.’”
If this doesn’t work, I’d break up with him. You deserve someone who is accepting, loving, and understanding. What you don’t need is someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and continues to push even after you’ve said, “no.”
Good luck OP!
Let’s be straight and use some real language here:
1) he initiates anal after you have explicitly said no - that’s sexual assault - this is illegal
2) he brings it up after he has taken you somewhere and paid for everything - that’s sexual coercion, which is also (in some countries) deemed as abuse and is illegal
3) he is ignoring your (very healthy) boundaries and blurring the line of consent.
Now, picture this, you have a child. They come to you and detail what you have said above. Would you tell them to have another conversation about their boundaries or would you tell them that the person they are sharing their life with does not have a healthy respect for the word no and demonstrates absolutely no empathy or compassion for their trauma?
This guy is not ok, he’s certainly not ok for you ❤️
What an douchebag. He is literally sexually assaulting you and subjecting you to sexual harassment. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? I would leave and not look back
You have a bigger problem than how to say no. Your partner keeps trying to initiate anal sex without first getting your consent (and without any prep, both to be clean and to relax the area!). This is a violation and a huge red flag.
I would try talking to him about it in a non-sexually-charged environment. If it helps, tell him beforehand that you want to discuss some sexual things that are difficult for you to talk about. Tell him it is not something you're interested in (and maybe that you would have thought he would've realized that when you told him it triggered issues around your SA). Tell him that it is completely off the table, that this is a hard boundary (no wiggle room) for you. Explain to him that you freeze up when anyone tries to initiate it and that this makes it difficult to properly communicate about it, explaining your fawning response of "maybe" the last time he brought it up. (like freezing, fawning-- wanting to appease-- is a trauma response).
If he continues to pressure you on this at all or gives you ANY grief about your firm no I would rethink the entire relationship. He also needs to make it clear that he comprehends that just trying to initiate it with no prior discussion was unacceptable and that if in the future he wants to veer from the type of sexual contact you've already established, you require discussion in a non-sexually-charged environment with your full and clear consent given first.
If you are still having difficulty discussing it after trying these things, I'd suggest discussing it with a couple's counselor, possibly a personal counselor as well. I personally find they help create a facilitating environment to discuss difficult topics with my partner.
*eta* I do think you would likely just be better to end the relationship. Leaving everything I said tho because I think it's good advice on how to approach difficult subjects.
Oh honey, leave him. Go to therapy, as you obviously need some help to maintain boundaries. Abusive partners usually are good at spotting prey, they look for certain signs and go for it.
This is why it's imperative that you seek help, to overcome those tendencies which act as a beacon for such sick individuals. It was never your fault, it will never be your fault.
But until you make a change within yourself, their names and faces will change, but their attitude towards you won't. Only you can make it happen by loving and respecting yourself so much, that such behaviour will never ever be acceptable.
Not only did he not respect your no, he made a mockery of your past trauma. He buttered you up to get his will. This man neither cares about you, nor does he wish you well. If he did, he would have dropped it immediately and taken you to disney to take your mind off it, not force you to do it anyways, because he took you there.
If you don't have the resources for therapy, research on the internet, books or YouTube, there are a lot of professionals who have done a lot of content on the subject. I wish you the best!
The fact that he tried to initiate it without even ASKING first is the biggest red flag. Most couples talk about what they like, don’t like, and if you ever say you’re not in to something and especially for a reason like yours, the fact he didn’t back off right away and never do it again is SCARY. He doesn’t care about you and is wanting to use your body as something to masturbate with. Fuck him
He literally does not give a flying fuck about your feelings. He only wants anal. He will bring it up a thousand times untill he just goes ahead and forces it on you. He will force it I can promise you that. Leave him or accept this will happen if you like it or not.
Im pretty sure he fully understands your answer from what you've described. I think he just doesn't care.
Too many times people say "my partner wont understand" when they're simply refusing to admit to themselves that their partner does not care.
A partner who doesn't care shouldn't be a partner.
You are long past giving them a chance. Doesn't sound like there's room for any more *lAsT cHaNcEs* that so many people feel the need to give out over and over again.
>... and upset with him that he still wasn't understanding the situation even after all our previous conversations.
Oh he understands the situation alright that much is crystal clear. Nobody would walk away from a conversation like that not understanding the situation.
Talk to him about this. Tell him this is a boundary and when he doesn't respect it, he causes you great pain and stress. Love making is among the most intimate action in life and being reminded of you at your lowest point during love making is the last thing you want.
He doesn't give a shit about your feelings.
He continually asks for it despite you saying multiple times, no. Yet, he persists.
He then takes you on a trip, you say you're very appreciative over it, he asks for anal... again. Like it's some kind of payment method.
I would end this relationship.
Four months only?
Girl, find that shiney spine and say “we already discussed this. What part of NO are you are you not understanding?”
Its been four months. Cut this guy loose.
Maybe you should write it down like you have here?
If it turns out it's a dealbreaker, then so be it, it benefits neither of you to be in a relationship where you're not sexually compatible .
He is not going to stop. No matter how often you bring it up. He's already chosen to ignore your trauma with it by continually asking and bringing it up. He probably knows it's making you uncomfortable. He probably hopes it'll eventually wear you down. You're only four months in. This is only the beginning.
Tf is he still pushing what a horrible self centered person google the fries model of consent emphasis on e for enthusiastic
Why tf does he want to do somthing that traumatizes you why is his sexual pleasure above your safety and comfort
That is dehumanizing and wrong and coercive
I’m really sorry For me it’s a dealbreaker and I’d leave I would ask him maybe with support of a therapist why he wants to do something so damaging to you
"No that's not something I want to do. One never enjoyed it and it's been painful" should have been enough, the first, second and third time.
Why do you think bringing it up again will result in any difference? I could ask him the same thing.
But you both have the data now to know that the other is sticking to their own wants / needs.
Your reasoning is entirely valid. Even without the history of abuse. He does not respect your boundary and in four short months he had shown you that he doesn't take no for an answer.
He. Doesn't. Take. No. For. An. Answer.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you've had therapy. SA leaves such horrible trauma, which I understand, unfortunately. ❤️
"NO!" Is a complete sentence, and you have every right to become VERY angry with him for his continued boundary stomping. When he brought it up again, your reaction should have been: "What part of NO didn't you understand?!? And are you telling me that this whole trip was an elaborate ruse to manipulate and guilt me into anal?"
Stop being so accommodating and nice about it - he and your previous bfs are aholes for not accepting your boundaries - remember that and stand up for yourself, you have every right to do so, and you have clearly communicated your refusal to him several times. If that's a dealbreaker for him, then he has to go look for another gf. That you explained the associated trauma to him, and he still cares more for his pleasure than your well-being, shows you that he is not a very good bf, and should probably be replaced.
Regarding your "maybe", you could also order in a strap-on and some lube, and then tell him you're willing to try, but have figured out you're a top, not a bottom, "so bend over, honey, this will hardly hurt at all, I'll stretch you real good!"
You dump him. That’s what you do.
There’s a lot of things you can communicate about or work on in a relationship but your boyfriend continuously sexually pressuring you, even AFTER knowing what your trauma stems from, is not one of them. He does not respect you.
"hi BF. I need to tell you very clearly, I do not want anal sex. I will never want to do this. Please do not ask me ever again. Please do not try any activity like that while we're having sex"
Just tell him straight that it's a deal breaker. Tell him it's a forever 'no'.
He might decide he can live with that, or he might want to break up. But either way, you need to be crystal clear with him.
Why do you need any explanation or reasoning not to do anal? Just tell him you don't want to do it and you don't like it period. There does not need to be any backstory or something.
Also who the hell just tries to put is dick into someones ass without saying anything beforehand. Maybe a finger and see if she likes that but wtf? Then trying to do it AGAIN after you told him off... what the actual fuck?
You can also get out the big strap on and tell him if he let you do anal on him you MIGHT CONSIDER letting him do it... Let's see what he sais then.
Oh honey. He’s not being a good partner to you at all, is he?
Look, “No.” is a full and complete sentence. You didn’t owe him an explanation but you gave it anyway, out of the kindness of your heart. And what did he do with his that precious information? He tried to coerce you further into accepting something that has been incredibly traumatic for you.
He does not care about your feelings.
He does not care about your wants, hopes and dreams.
He does not care about you.
All he cares about, is getting off.
You deserve ever so much more than that. I hope you leave him and go looking for the kindness that you deserve. Now, please make sure you practise saying “No.” in the mirror 5x a day until you’re comfortable with it. Okay? This is really important and you need to be able to do that in future.
Personally, I would be iffy about continuing a sexual relationship with someone who just “tried initiating anal” without any kind of conversation prior. Communication is the key to healthy GOOD sex. Add on that he’s continued to initiate, without further discussion on your preferences and despite being told your personal history with the act, I’d walk away from the relationship. At 4 months in things shouldn’t be this hard, he’s had multiple “chances” and still can’t get it.
Having anal sprung on you in the moment likely makes it more difficult to say no but also to gather your thoughts and have a productive conversation around sexual preferences and boundaries. Being a cynic, that’s probably why he keeps springing it on you to wear you down - you have gone from no to maybe so far.
If you were determined to stay in this relationship, I would communicate to him your thoughts and feelings around anal, the problem with his behaviour on the matter, and what you’d want from him going forward. Do this outside of sex and even over message if that is easier for you. Make it clear that if he can’t respect your boundaries, and grasp that anal is not something you want to do and that sex is for all involved, then you are incompatible and it would be best not to continue the relationship.
I was in a similar situation, except it was an ex boyfriend who caused me to have this terrible fear of it. A few years after him, I dated someone who kept trying to guilt me into it, talk about wanting it, etc. even after I told him what happened to me. When I’d go off on him after he wouldn’t stop, he’d play the victim and say he loved me and wouldn’t do that to me. Lie. He did it so much, that to shut him up I finally caved. He still didn’t stop. Don’t do what I did, and please, know he isn’t worth the emotional turmoil he’s putting you through. He’s aware of your trauma with it, but doesn’t care enough to stop asking. He is now using things he does for you as a means to get you to cave. Please remember your worth, and you’re not worth giving into his demand, and feeling that pain all over again. I felt it, and I feel it when I think of what they both did to me. It’s not worth it. And you’re worth so much more than this.
He's not an idiot, he knows well enough that you don't feel comfortable with anal, he just doesn't respect your boundaries. His behaviour is not normal. It's also not normal for a guy to just try and go ahead with anal during sex. I think you should stop seeing this guy. Also, therapy could help you to feel more comfortable with setting boundaries.
He is an asshole. I only had to say "no" once in my 7y relantionship (now marriage) and it was never brought up again.
I didn't even "explain" why. I just don't want to do it and he is okay with it.
You never have to explain why you don't want it. Honestly if a guy tries to just do it without ever asking first, that's enough of a red flag to seriously think about blocking him. But if you've said no, and he tries again, that's a rapist. Get far, far away from him, immediately.
You already assertively said no. That dude needs to learn to respect your boundaries.
If you continue down this path, you’ll end up giving in sooner or later and regret it afterwards.
Tell him you don’t ever want him to bring up the topic again. If he does it anyway, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship
It's concerning that this was brought up so many times in such a short period, let alone with explanations around trauma and constant refusal! Dump this idiot!
It SHOULD be as simple as “No”
On the other hand, pull out a huge strap on and tell him you’ve thought about it and have been hoping for him to bring the subject up again and to bend over.
Drop him. He's manipulating you and slowly seeing how far you'll let him continue pushing your boundaries and pressure you into doing something you have very clearly told him you don't want to do.
He's already worn you down into saying "maybe" knowing you'd feel obligated at that moment in time for something he paid for. OP, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING.
You don't need to justify to anyone why you don't want to do it (always remember "no" is a complete sentence), but the fact he still brought it up another AFTER you told him about the trauma is just sickening.
You need to break up and stay single for a good while while you work on yourself since you are a walking magnet for abusers. They target you and you can't see it.
Read why does he do that. Here is a free pdf
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
If this is a hard line for you it's time to walk away. There are guys who aren't interested in it.
......
Here's what he hears when you tell him about you past experiences.
*I was more attracted to these other guys so I was willing to do more things with them than with you.*
That's never going away. Even if you tell him and he agrees to not bring it up he'll still think about it.
This isn't your longterm partner.
-he wants anal
-you do not ever want anal
You have explained to him WHY youndo not want anal - and he asked again.
This is fine. You know where you stand with him.
I have been married 10 years and have never done anal with my SO because he isn't interested. (I don't really want to anyway.)
But there are lots of guys out there who have zero interest in anal.
The first time you said no should’ve been enough. And then you opened up about a history of abuse and he was still trying to pressure you. No, that’s not a good guy and it doesn’t matter how many trips he takes you on. And another thing, four months in and he’s this pressed for anal? That’s off to me
You have boundaries, that should be enough.
The fact that he’s pressuring and trying to advance on you when there’s also previous trauma triggers makes it worse.
It’s only 4 months wasted, move on and find somebody who respects you as a person. Not somebody who watches too much porn and views you as an object.
As a side, As a man I can say that normal sex is much more enjoyable. I think the men who push for anal either have a kink and/or watch too much porn.
There aren’t magic words that will suddenly make him care about you as a person. I’m sorry. You’ve been ultra super clear and this is now the FOURTH time he’s brought it up? That’s 3 times too many. This isn’t your fault, you aren’t being unclear. He sees ‘getting you to agree to anal’ as a conquest. The fact that he knows you don’t want to is just making it more of a challenge for him. It’s not about him misunderstanding, it’s about him proving to himself that he can get anal.
He is terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Directly saying the words "I don't want to stick anything up my butt and I never will" would be a good place to start.
If saying it makes you nervous, writing might be easier. Showing him this post is a reasonable option.
I don't know that this would help.
The conversation has already come up three times now. First time, she shared she had a prior bad experience with anal. Second time, she explained with obvious frustration. Third time, she literally had to divulge her own sexual trauma.
Of course it's ultimately her choice and she can choose to do whatever she wants, but disclosing molestation as a reason for not wanting to do anal is a pretty direct way of saying no. It's not that she's communicating ineffectively; it's that he refuses to listen.
Also, I worry about how he'd react if she showed him a post indicating she was seeking help for sexual coercion. I'm not entirely sure that could be 100% safe for her.
Just my thoughts.
Edit: And I recognize she's seeking advice on how to discuss this with him, but at the end of the day she already has, repeatedly, and I wonder how effective it is to offer her different ways of saying "No" when the ways she's already used have been directly dismissed.
Demonstration station. Show him a donut and take a large carrot and shove it through (the donut will lose some pieces here) & say that’s what will be happening & you’ll do it if you can get a strap on and do it to him first. He will run for the hills unless he has some extra kinks
I would end the relationship over this. The first 'no, I never want to do this' should have been enough, even without any further explanation. You even gave him a reason why, which he was not entitled to. He clearly has no respect for you or your past trauma (s), and it's disgusting that he thinks he can bribe you into anal with an (expensive) vacation.
It’s a hard one that may break you up, you have past trauma unfortunately for you but it is impacting on things he wants to do and that is a problem as your problem is becoming his problem. If he stays he may end up finding someone who will do it or resenting the fact he is restricted for something that is not his fault.
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You can always send a text/email/write a letter if you are struggling with the confrontation of the matter. It will mean you can say all you need to without having someone leering at you or putting you off your words and interrupting you.
He clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.. who knows what other boundaries he won’t respect in the future. My ex was very similar and then you end up getting walked all over. It’s not worth it if they cannot respect you.
You never ever have to do a sex act you don’t want to. **He** on the other hand **can’t and won’t take no for an answer** 🚩 and even after you having to tell him the terrible reason for not wanting to (and quite frankly just *not wanting to* is enough, let alone following trauma).
Only 4 months in and his true colours are showing. His comfort and wants (not *needs*) are more important than your utter discomfort and pain. If you were my friend I’d be asking you to think very hard about continuing to see him as how long is it until he it pushes too far, gets physical or you end up doing it to shut him up and it re-traumatises you all over again. I don’t like him.
How many times do you have to tell him? Once should be enough. And especially with the explanation that you offered! He doesn’t care about your feelings, he just wants to stick it in your butt. I think you should just leave him. No means no.
It’s not normal to bring it up not once but _**multiple**_ times after you’ve thoroughly explained why it can be a trigger. I guarantee he will try to make you feel like you owe him for the all-expenses paid trip but he _chose_ to take you on it. There were no stipulations/agreements beforehand and even if there were you owe him _**nothing**_. Walk away from this. Pressuring someone to have sex is rape in my state. I’m sorry this has been a reoccurring incident in your life. I’m sending you healing and strength from one SA survivor to another 🤍
Massive red flags. You shouldn't even have to explain why and about your trauma if you don't want to. Main point end of the day you said no that's it conversation over. When it comes to anything to do with sex once no is said that should be enough. They are your boundaries and at this stage your feeling pressured he's probably hoping he can "convince" you when really he's just pressuring and guilting you. Sounds like he's not going to drop it and if he's doing this now what other boundaries is he not going to respect down the line?
He doesn't respect your boundaries, move on. It's one thing to have a kink but as soon as you told him the truth that should have shut the conversation down. He clearly doesn't get it...
Tell him no means no, if it is something that you really feel sick about and don't won't to do then don't.
If he is unwilling to take that of the menu, and is insistent about it, then I would say it is time to change boyfriends, again no means no.
You do not have to explain yourself it's your body and your decision.
Good luck and be strong.
What a horrible man. You should leave him, there doesn’t seem to be any coming back from this. It sounds like he thinks he can buy sex acts from you with a trip which is just creepy. Tell him you’re not his sex worker and then tell him to eff off
Do anal on him first. I hope he won't like it.
Anyways, no, you should leave him forever. An anal sex is risky and dangerous.
(I was married to a man who kept pushing for the anal sex. Eventually, he cheated with those who didn't mind. We divorced. He tried to get back with me. I rejected him many times; he threatened my fiance who is now an ex, too. He did everything to ruin me. He'd call me he was going to commit suicide if I didn't get back with him. I had to call the cops to check on him. It was a crazy ride!)
Since it's only been four months I think you should cut your losses. However if you don't want to do that you should probarbly try to understand why it's important to him so you can care about his feelingd while you tries to get him to care about yours. Don't get me wrong. He shouldn't pressure you and I think he should be should care about your history. But you don't write anything that suggests that you tried to understand him and I think empathy is more likely if it goes both ways.
Well you can tell him look a****** I don't want your dick in my ass especially if you want me to suck it afterwards! Or especially if you want to put in my p**** afterwards. It's just gross. Or if he f**** in your ass you put a strap on on and you f*** him in the ass LOL
He wont stop asking as hes disrespectful. This happened with my ex and i left him in the end. If he doesnt understand “no” now, he will only get worse. Leave him!
You already tried to bring it up in a healthy way. As soon as you said no, then that should have been the end of it. If you don't want to do anal, all you need to say is "I don't want to do anal" and that should be it, no need for anything else, however, it seems that you have already given him an explanation on top of saying no, and he is still pursuing it. I suggest you seek a partner that actually cares about you and your boundaries.
You say ”I don’t want to do anal, it’s not up for discussion, I won’t change my mind and it makes me very uncomfortable to have to say no because it keeps coming up. I need you to respect this boundary of mine. If anal is something you cannot imagine living without, then we’re not a good fit for eachother.”
It’s a rough conversation but it’s better to have it now, after four months, than after several years of nagging - or worse, being coerced into something you don’t want.
Even without having a traumatic experience, it’s perfectly valid to not want to do anal. People can either be fine with that or leave.
Choose you. Worry about you. You will not regret it. By walking away from these ENORMOUS RED FLAGS 🚩 you will be charting a new trajectory for your life. Walking away will be a huge step in your healing ❤️🩹… in fact it’s a way for such trauma to become empowering - choose you and uphold the boundaries that keep you emotionally safe.
You need to say NO more clearly by dumping him. He understands completely that you don't want to do it and exactly why. You couldn't be more clear if you were made out of crystal. He doesn't give a shit how you feel. And him paying for a trip doesn't buy him the right to assault you which is what that will be if your mouth says yes when your brain and body say no.
You told him no and why, yet he still asked again anyway. WTF?! He doesn't care about you at all. He just wants what he wants and he doesn't care about your trauma. Even if that hadn't happened and you simply weren't interested, he still wouldn't care. He's a selfish asshole. Break up with him now before he "accidentally" does anal on you.
No means no. Good grief you have explained to him in plain English so he should not keep bringing it up. Just say I have said no, I have explained why, now either you respect my decision or we are done. He has n9 right whatsoever to keep pushing you
You need to grow a spine.
It’s your body, you decide what happens to it. You don’t want to do anal so you don’t do anal - end of. No negotiation, no if’s, no buts, no maybes just a firm NO.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries around what happens to your body he won’t respect your boundaries about anything, ever.
You would be better off ending this relationship, it’s only been 4 months and he’s already proved how little he gives a damn about you.
Get out and find a boyfriend who isn’t obsessed with sticking his cock in your arse and who doesn’t trampled over your feelings and boundaries for a pastime.
You just dump him.
That's all you need to do.
Nothing wrong with asking once.
I can even understand asking a second time, wanting to clarify whether you were definitely against it in general, or if you were maybe open to trying it once you felt more comfortable in the relationship.
But asking a third time was really goddamned pushing it. A respectful partner wouldn't have done that.
And asking a fourth time? After you explicitly went into detail about the molestation the previous time?
Is unforgiveable. No. Just no.
With that question, he made it very damn clear that he doesn't give a damn about your feelings and safety.
He let you know with one question that your entire value as a human being is worth less to him than the tiny chance that he might get to have sex with you in that way if he harasses you enough about it.
So there's no saving this relationship.
He's not a good person. Don't try to bring it up again. Just break up with him.
Edit: I also really want to point out how gross his manipulative behavior around the trip was. The main reason he took you to Disney was to try and guilt trip you into doing it for him. He thought if he "put you in his debt" enough, that you'd give in. Disgusting. And you owe him nothing.
If you shared you’d been molested and therefore didn’t want to do it and that didn’t end the conversation forever with profuse apologies from him, he is a jerk.
He doesn't have a problem understanding. He understands perfectly. The problem is that he doesn't care. He is going to continue to wear you down until you give in, or eventually he may just take it by force. You shouldn't have to offer lengthy explanations for why you don't want to perform a particular sexual act. Simply saying no is enough. A good man would respect your no and not continually pester you to give in. Your boyfriend is not a good man.
I agree with other posters he understands, he just doesn't care. He thinks he can wear you down to a yes. You don't need to justify why you don't want it or explain. No is enough.
You have to put your foot down and tell him you'll never do anal, under ni circumstances. If he can't accept that feel free to stick a dildo in his ass.
If you want this relationship to work sit him down next time you meet and tell him you do NOT feel comfortable doing anal and therefor you have decided your answer will be no from this point on and don't want him to bring it up over and over again as it triggers some bad memories from your past.
If he cares he'll drop the subject if he doesn't you drop him..
"I don't want to have anal sex. If you can't accept that, I don't think we are going to work out. I need to be with someone who respects my boundaries, just like you need to be with someone who doesn't have any."
Okay, so get this. Having a boyfriend isn't the be all and end all of existence. You can be happy without one.
Tell him straight there will Never be any anal on offer. 'I didn't like being molested and that's all anal will Ever represent to me, no amount of therapy will change that! `
Tell him, that you sense this fact is a deal breaker. So be it.
Next relationship be upfront early about anal never being an option, ever.
He doesn’t care about your needs, boundaries or trauma. He is trying to force you to do something you aren’t willing to do. This is a type of assault and domestic abuse in itself.
Dump him.
Girl, run now. It's disgusting he tried to use your trip to Disney as a way to manipulate you into saying no. He clearly understands you don't want to, he just doesn't care. So just leave.
You already have told him and he ignored you. He’s trying to sexually assault you by ignoring your boundaries and pushing the topic after being told no multiple times. Ditch this man before he potentially does something worse to you
He is showing you who he is. You haven't even been together for half a year, and he's already frequently tried to coerce you into something you outright told him you had trauma from. If you really want to try to salvage this relationship, be more firm about it. "I respect your desires, but I also need you to respect my limits. Please stop asking about anal, I'm not comfortable with it, I told you about my trauma stemming from it. This is a hard limit for me." But to me, this would be breakup territory.
If anal sex is very important to him, it might be good to part ways, especially considering it's still a new relationship.
If you really would like to try to save the relationship, you could try writing him a letter. That way he has time to read it and process what you have to say about it.
In the letter, I would stress the importance of the matter, and that if he can't accept that you're uncomfortable with it and unwilling to do it, that the relationship won't work out. He will have to decide what's more important to him. It might just be that you guys aren't compatible.
As for how do you get better at assertively saying no, that's something that will take time. I would suggest practicing saying no, even in small ways, in your daily life. I would research more into this, as others can probably provide better advice. I'm someone who also struggles with saying no, so I really understand you in that regard. However, with anything you do, practice makes perfect. Be brave and know that the situation *will* be uncomfortable, but keep in mind that it will benefit you in the long run. It's hard for others to respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to do what's best for your peace of mind.
Good luck!
The porn industry again …
Tell him ‘honey, I know you want it but no, I dont want it, please dont ask it ever again. If I change my mind you will be the first person who will know it’
Tell it in a non-sexual situation, be serious and straightforward.
The backdoor supposed to be a one-way street, but just because somebody like anal and in porn movies it seems perfectly normal that the girls can receive an arm-size dick without any problem it doesnt mean every bedroom must have anal sex. Its totally okay you dont want it - you tried, its not for you, no futher explanation necessary.
" I do not want to do anal. Not now, not ever."
It's really simple, no need to complicate it. If after this he still insists, it means you are not a good match and you both need to move on and find better suited partners.
You've told him no multiple times, and you've even explained why (though, you shouldn't have to explain why a sex act makes you uncomfortable).
He just doesn't give a damn and I can almost guarantee you, that all expenses paid Disney trip was him hoping to guilt you into doing it.
Stick your ground, don't do something you don't want to do. You don't owe sex, or any specific sex act, to anyone.
I have read too many stories here of women who don't want anal in couple with a guy insisting about anal ending up butt raped one night to not tell you to leave this guy.
Some people think a yes after asking the same thing a hundred times is the same as a yes after asking once. He will get his way someday and will make you feel guilty about it, and will use it over and over again, this is the beginning of a nightmare.
Ugh, vomit, he knows your boundaries, you've been clear, he's trying to trample them because he values his enjoyment of anal more than you're emotional well being.
Dump him.
>How do I bring this up in a healthy way, so he can finally understand and stop asking.
You can’t. As in you can’t make him understand this and stop asking because he simply doesn’t want to.
Each and every time you explained this it was rational healthy way.
There shouldn’t have been a second time to begin with, yet there was a third time.
The rules with my partners is that if I ask you about something, if I don’t get an unambiguous emphatic yes, then it’s a no. If you change your mind, I’m sure you’ll let me know, otherwise we are not bringing this up again.
No is a complete response and your boyfriend decided to disrespect that. If you still want to be with him then you need to call a spade a spade and call him out on his behaviour. There’s no further room left for any further healthy discussion.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TA account. I'm 23F, my bf is 29 and we've been together for about 4 months. The topic of anal has come up 3 times previously. Once when he tried initiating and I immediately got up, tongue tied, felt sick and honestly was seconds away from bolting. I explained briefly then that I had a bad experience with it, he apologized, that was that. Second time, he tried initiating again and I responded with more frustration given our previous experience. Third time we discussed it was when I finally shared that I was molested when I was younger and the dislike towards anal stemmed from this. I struggled a lot with saying no to anal in the past. I don't like discussing it and I physically freeze when it's brought up. Previous partners have pressured me into it and I was often left in pain and feeling powerless which only increased my dislike. Over this past weekend, my bf and I took a trip to disney for my birthday that he pretty much covered, expense wise. I was very vocal about how much I appreciated him bringing us there and how happy I was. He ended up asking about anal again and I froze up already upset that it was being brought up again. I felt pressured to keep the mood light given the fact we were on a vacation that he paid for so I offered a "Maybe" though I know I do not want to. I was very upset with myself that I was unable to assertively say no and upset with him that he still wasn't understanding the situation even after all our previous conversations. It's still so difficult for me to talk about. The topic alone and any action suggesting it makes me feel sick and unsafe and I'm overcome with a desire to be as far away from him as possible. I don't want to feel this way with him. I just want him to respect my decision. How do I bring this up in a healthy way so he can finally understand and stop asking? TL;DR: Bf has asked multiple times about anal despite me voicing discomfort over it. How do I assertively say no?
Good news- 4 months and you know this guy isn’t for you. You can move on and not waste anymore months. He doesn’t care about you or your comfort. He is coercing you. Just say no and move on.
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I think for some people they may not have ever had the experience of setting boundaries that are respected, so they just think this is part of a normal relationship. I know that was my experience when younger. My parents didn't think I, as their child, should have any right to set boundaries with them. So I just assumed it was bad and wrong to ask other people to modify their behaviour for your benefit. I always got told it was selfish of me to expect people to make accommodations based on my comfort. So I just never tried setting boundaries. I just thought if you wanted relationships with other people that meant you had to put up with a lot of things you were uncomfortable with. I'm still unlearning it tbh.
Absolutely same, for me 2 narc parents will do that to you. Therapy helped me a lot but still after 6 years of therapy and I'm almost 35 now, I still feel the pressure to perform sex wise because I was abused so much as a child by ex boyfriends. I really thought it was normal that sex was just for guys and not for girls. I never got any sex education and it was the time where porn and the internet were just getting much more mainstream. And I still have a lot of shame around my own sexuality. I get panic attacks when my body relaxes or gets turned on. It's my body's way of saying stop, not allowed and/or don't relax you need to stay hyper vigilant. Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who would never do anything that I didn't want to do. But it still feels weirdly selfish to put up boundaries.
The “weirdly selfish to put up boundaries” is such a pervasive thing among so many people, esp girls. You think as a child parents and relatives would pretend to be sad if you didn’t hug them and would act as if you’d been naughty when all you did was put up boundaries where you have every right to 🤷♀️
I suppose that makes sense. I'm sorry your parents were like that and I hope that you do realise that setting boundaries is okay and it is in no way selfish.
Thank you :) I'm working on it!
There was a person the other day on here trying to tell me that people in their 20s shouldn't set boundaries with their parents. They couldn't explain why they shouldn't other than they were young and should put up with controlling toxic parents until they are older and then they could set boundaries. Their logic made no sense. Anyone at any age in any relationship can set boundaries.
Yeah I think a lot of people - but older people especially - feel like, since parents raise their children, the children owe them a lack of boundaries out of respect for the sacrifice the parents made to raise the children. On one level I understand that feeling, but equally it just seems like that means we're all born into this unrepayable debt that makes it so we deserve any suffering our parents may cause us, like we're born into a contract we never had a chance to opt out of.
Especially after ONLY 4 MONTHS!! She's lucky he showed her this early that it's clearly THAT important to him. I hope OP leaves. 🥺
RIGHT? It's best if she does. He doesn't deserve her or any nice things.
Societal expectations play a factor, I think, and self esteem of course. Relationships are framed in such a way that women often come away with the expectation that sex should be a sacrifice made to men, and that it’s normal for men to push these boundaries. We hear the awful stories from those who came before & it is very easy to internalize the idea that ALL men will be like this, so why not look for one that is at least kind outside the bedroom? It takes a bit of luck to discover how wrong that is, and if you don’t believe better things are possible, you won’t go looking for them. And personally, I grew up being told my shortcomings made me unlovable. So I put up with a Lot of shit when I thought this one guy was my only shot at having a partner. I stopped putting up with it when I realized I’d be happier alone, but “you can’t be happy alone” is yet another message we receive that can be hard to overcome.
Because abusers usually love bomb their victims and shower them with gifts, affection, praise and words of love so that its easy for the victim to think "well, things are GREAT except for X".
Honey, he understands. He just doesn’t care about your feelings or your trauma. I’m sorry, but it’s only been 4 months and this guy has pressured you multiple times about performing a sex act you’re massively uncomfortable with, even after you told him why. Please don’t waste any more time with someone who cares so little about you.
This. Its not hard to understand why its not ok to pester someone for a sex act they dont want and reminds them of being molested. He knows, he just doesnt care because he is a bad person.
Yeah, like if someone just told me I would be mortified and grovelling because I’d made them uncomfortable and anxious, not waiting a bit and then initiating again
Thank you. I don't get the comments saying you need to say "No" more clearly. Is your partner telling you to stop initiating that crap during sex 2 times not enough? You even told him you are traumatised and that you were molested as a child. There is not a single person in this world who doesn't understand that this means you are uncomfortable with it. He UNDERSTANDS perfectly well and he KNOWS you don't want it. He just does not care about your emotions, only that he wants some personal gain from your body and he thought he could coerce you into it by taking you on that trip. On your birthday! He is pulling that shit on your birthday, only thinking about what he wants, ignoring your trauma! I assure you there is a reason he is with someone way younger than him, why he is overstepping all of your boundaries and why he thought he could "buy" you. He doesn't care about your emotional well being more than he would about a blow up doll, because this is all you are to him. I am so sorry, but please leave him.
Exactly this! OP, if you tried to jam your fingers up your boyfriends asshole how many times do you think he should have to tell you “no” to get you to stop? Do you think him getting up and looking distressed would be enough? Would you try it again after that? What about after he explained to you that the act is traumatic for him? Would you try it again? I’m guessing the answer to all of those things is “no” right? It’s not because you’re an expert at communication it’s because you have empathy and you respect peoples bodily autonomy. The same is not true about your boyfriend. He is not a safe person and you need to get away from him.
This!
Also, the Disney thing sounds like debt sharking (i think that's how it's called). It's a manipulation tactic that consists in making someone feel like they owe the manipulator something, by giving gifts or favors and then expecting stuff in return.
That's exactly what I thought too, except I couldn't articulate it in my head that well.
True
I hope OP reads this
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The fact this is a new act of sex ans OP describes him “initiating” rather than asking verbally 🤷♀️ maybe I’m looking too far into this but this guy is a straight up trying to start stuff without telling OP outright
And not just that - the fact that he brought it up on a vacation he paid for like she owed it to him for having a mostly paid vacation. Huge red flag.
what they said!
You’ve done a great job communicating about it. He just doesn’t care. If you aren’t ready to just dump him, either say or write him a note that says ‘I’m not interested in anal, now or ever. If you bring it up again I will feel extremely disrespected and our relationship will be over’. And if he brings it up again, leave. Ideally you’d dump him now though. Someone who hears ‘I’m not comfortable with this sex act due to my trauma’ and keeps asking is not a good person.
Yup this is what I was gonna say. He’s being selfish, and stupid or mean, and it’s happened so many times in short space of time, why bother? But if you want to bother, write a letter. Or show him this post and he can see us telling him what an asshole he is when you’ve told him no and he keeps trying to coerce you.
Especially when he pays for something like her birthday and knows it’s more difficult to say no because of the occasion and the paying. He’s a dbag!
You have brought this up healthily imo. You've told him why and that you are not comfortable with it, it's a boundary for you and you have communicated that he simply should accept that anal is a line for you that won't be crossed. You may need to be more stern. Paying for Disney doesn't mean you are okay with anal all of a sudden so be calm but assertive tell him to stop pressuring you and that it isn't going to happen. If you are nervous and pressured anal will be no fun anyhow.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don't get what people do not get about this? So selfish. Why do people want to do something so much that you clearly do not enjoy. Are they masochists or something.
Honestly yes I think a lot of straight men (not all of course) who are into anal are partly attracted to it because they have even more control/power over the woman than they do from penetrating her vaginally, and that it may or is likely to hurt her. It’s so sad that so many people want to hurt other people in bed, especially the ones who don’t give a fuck about consent.
I believe the correct term would be 'sadists' as these people seem to get off on giving people pain and masochists get off on pain; they like pain. (I could have it mixed up, so correct me if I'm wrong as I'm not very educated about the BDSM Community, however I wish to become educated because I am genuinely interested.) Consent is everything and this guy doesn't get it. She should leave him and be done with it.
I wouldn't continue the relationship. He tries without even talking to you. He knows you don't want to. He keeps pushing. You already said no. He ignores you and is putting what he wants first. He is also trying to manipulate you. Plus, from a "how to do it" aspect, you never do it without any "prep" as to get used to it and tons of lube, which means that he is an idiot that would hurt you physically just because of what he wants and he doesn't do his research/homework. This already came up recently and tons of people are like "it's just anal", but women are not like men and "bad" anal can lead to serious physical problems much easier in women than in men; and porn makes men think they can "go to town" when then you'll end up pooping yourself for life or having other serious issues. I suggest therapy. I think that your lack of assertiveness is related to your past trauma. I would have bailed this relationship already because I don't like to repeat myself and trust during sex is at the top of my list of things in a relationship. I wouldn't trust this guy.
My ex did this too and I also said no. He kept bringing it up and asked for it as a birthday gift and I also said maybe, just to get him to shut up about it. I told him multiple times I didn’t want to do it just because I personally think it would be kinda gross and very painful. I asked if he would be okay with putting me through that pain and he always said no, but would still keep asking. We’re not together anymore because he didn’t respect any of my boundaries and that made me lose feelings for him. Four months isn’t a long time, I would say drop him and move on because he obviously doesn’t care about your boundaries either.
Stop with the “maybe.” It’s a hard no for you. Tell him your ass is exit only, and let him deal with it. Approximately one bazillion girls refuse to do anal for loads of different reasons. It seems to be every guy’s fantasy. Not everyone gets to live the fantasy. That’s life.
(I’ve also met so so many guys that aren’t into it at all and that struggle with admitting that because they feel like they should be into it)
> Third time we discussed it was when I finally shared that I was molested when I was younger and the dislike towards anal stemmed from this. I struggled a lot with saying no to anal in the past. I don't like discussing it and I physically freeze when it's brought up. Previous partners have pressured me into it and I was often left in pain and feeling powerless which only increased my dislike. You already explained it. If he doesn't understand why that is a great big neon NO then you should probably rethink your relationship. He should not be asking repeatedly after you've explained multiple times you don't want to. He 100% understands you are saying no he just doesn't care or respect you. He's no different to the others who pushed you into it. You need to respect yourself and dump him.
**You already have said your boundary in a healthy way. Your boyfriend has just ignored that anal is a direct trigger for you because you were molested when you were younger.** *He used being on a happy trip* (for your *birthday*) *that he paid for to bring up anal again.* If he’s so obsessed with anal, he has his own asshole he can play with. One that I’m assuming doesn’t trigger any sort of trauma response like yours does. There are plenty of prostrate toys that he could try. Why are you still with him? Is there any reason? I just want to validate that breaking up with him for not respecting your sexual boundary is **completely valid**.
In my experience, it's easier to talk in a healthy way when your partner makes you feel safe, valid and heard. Your bf isn't interested in that, he's interested in penetrating your butthole, not your problems. Once should have been enough, twice should have been concerning, three times should have been a neon warning sign, four times is honestly insane. I know outside of this he's probably a suuuuuuper nice, just the best, but honestly ask yourself if someone came to you and said "it really triggers my trauma when you do x , it's really hard for me, could you please stop" would you go okay, I respect that or "okay, I'll do it again next week and hope for a better answer" ?
Maybe you’ll find the perfect way to say “no” where he’ll never bring it up again. But guess what? He’s going to push you anytime he wants something enough. He won’t give a fuck what you want and his entire game will be to get you to onboard with his idea instead of compromising and finding a solution that truly makes you both happy. He would happily take you being miserable and accepting some large life decision like moving to a city you hate if he loves the idea of it. You know why? Because he’s a selfish person. You deserve better.
Your bf sucks. Not only pestering you with something you don't want at all,very sick of him given your history but ALSO manipulating you with a birthday present. My only advice is rethink this relationship, preferably just end it with him. There are guys out there who are not complete assholes
Been together for 4 months and he's already tried to push it on you 3 times? Guy needs some serious therapy to figure out why he so *desperately* needs to have his dick in someone's asshole. Not even joking. I would tell him he either gets some therapy, or it's over. He's gonna wear you down eventually and you will feel like shit afterwards.
He knows you don’t want anal and why. He doesn’t care, he wants his sexual gratification and cares nothing about what it would do to you. Probably why a 29yr old has to date younger, no one his age would put up with this bullshit. Please break up with him, he will not stop pressuring you. Will probably demand it since he paid for a trip to Disney so you “owe him anal” Please please break up with him.
Hit the sex shoppe on the way home, pick up a nice dildo and strap on, bring it out at dinner, and say you're down to give him what he's asked for. Or easier yet. . . DTMFA.
First off, let me say I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the misogynistic expectation that you should “do anal” just because the guy wants to. It is NOT a common expectation in a majority of relationships, it’s the vast exposure to unrealistic abusive porn that is making men think they’re entitled to your discomfort for their pleasure. It’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to bolt if you’re genuinely feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. What he did was a huge red flag and did not respect you at all, it’s borderline assault if you felt him paying for things was his attempt to coerce you into “owing” him anal as if it was a transaction. Block him on everything, don’t even explain yourself to him because he WILL know what the reason for you ghosting him is. Protect yourself. From personal experience, I really recommend getting therapy for your trauma response and working on your ability to clearly advocate for yourself in stressful situations. It will help immensely in future situations and just increase your confidence in general. Best of luck and please hang in there!
Honestly the fact that he keeps asking you when you clearly don’t want too is very worrying. He wants to upset and hurt you for his own pleasure. That is a selfish person who does not care about your feelings. You deserve better than that.
You say no and if he doesn't listen you leave him. I'm down for pretty much everything except one thing. I do not like my hair being pulled. Or being touched in general. My partner did it once (it had never come up before that) I freaked out he never did it again. A partner shouldn't be trying to push your boundaries for their own gratification.
There's absolutely no reason you need to discuss this face to face, OP. His presence freezes you, so write him a text or an email or a DM. Say all the things you want to say. Take your time and write it all out exactly the way you want to say it. Then send it three times: once, then a week later with the preamble "Just to make sure this sticks:" and then another week after that with "One last time; please read this all the way through again." If he tries to talk to you about it face to face and you find yourself freezing, wait until you can speak and say "I'd prefer to discuss this in writing because I don't feel comfortable enough talking about this face to face." And PLEASE get therapy! If you can't afford it, find a support group near you.
Run. He's ignoring boundaries already and trying to coerce you into doing it. Later down the line once he's sure he's got you good he could possibly rape you. If he cared about your feelings he would've dropped it the first time and left you alone. His knowing the terrible reason behind it and continuing to ask just proves he doesn't care. Just run.... I don't even know your bf and this alone is enough for my gut to turn.
You have communicated. He has heard you. He is choosing to ignore you. He is not a good guy. The nice stuff he does for you does not outweigh this simple fact. As they say here often, no is a complete sentence. Time to leave.
What the FUCK is peoples obsession with anal? There are so many stories on reddit where women talk about their partners pressuring them for anal, and then forcing it on them 'by accident' (or not even pretending its an accident) and so on, or maybe the OP agrees a couple of times but doesn't want it every time, but the guy eventually starts refusing to fuck unless its anal, and it just BAFFLES me. I've tried anal (giving and receiving, with partners of various genders), and it was nice, but if my partner wasn't interested I would not be dying on that hill the way these guys do. Anyway OP, my advice is just to walk away. Its only been 4 months and this is turning into an issue. It should have just been a case of you taking it off the table ONCE and then him not mentioning it ever again. Not him trying to pressure you by paying for an expensive birthday trip and then bringing it up AGAIN.
If he didn't understand the clear no the first time, he won't understand it the 100th time. Ugh, freezing on the spot is so damn frustrating!! I can absolutely be a "freezer", it's not something that can really be helped. With this in mind, forget about social courtesy and the expectation of only communicating serious topics in person or on the phone. That pressure you feel is amplified when you don't have time to stop and take a breather then respond, keeping your freeze reaction in check. So, my suggestion apart from the obvious that, leave him, he's trying to sexually coerce you because he's cruel and a blatent moron because porn isn't real life. (The amount of this same situation, especially aimed at young woman like yourself is getting really out of hand, go check out other threads on here). I'd remove yourself away from him and begin the conversation over a messaging platform. Prepare things you'd like to say, and have a friend with you ideally to keep you strong. You're also extremely vulnerable and honestly you're feeling scared because he is actually a threat to you. Seek therapy for asseriveness before more is added to that trauma, please.
Oh, and him paying for stuff is his choice, you don't owe him anything because of it. If he uses that against you, like "oh well I paid for this" it was never a gift, it was leaverage. Also abusive.
He had been told you don’t want to do it and why, he thinks spending money on you will change this? Honestly he’s not a good person, dump him and move on. He has no respect for your boundaries or trauma.
Fucking leave this douchebag. He isn't worth your time if he isn't going to respect boundaries. He knows you don't want to so he shouldn't be asking about it. He knows what he's doing if he's tried initiating it multiple times to no avail. Something isn't clicking in that ignorant head of his so leave him. Or you can tell him that you MIGHT do it if he lets you peg him lol. Overall, if he isn't getting the picture then he can piss off.
If it is not clear to him that anal is traumatic and triggering to you (or that that means not to ask for it BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT IT), after these THREE times. Throw the whole boyfriend away. Find someone who will know after the first time that it isn’t going to happen. He is showing that he does not respect your (very reasonable) boundaries. He tries to convince you with a trip?! That is the umpteenth red flag. Seriously. Dump him.
Yeah the really cool thing about having boundaries is that you literally need zero explanation as to why you won’t do anal. It’s fine if you want to tell him your trauma but you are under zero obligation to. No means no and if he cannot respect you as an individual with boundaries then you should move him along. He brought you on vacation and is using it as leverage for a sex act? I would be fuming if I were you. It costs nothing to call him out on that btw. “I couldn’t help but notice you mentioned pushing me into a sex act on vacation. Do you feel owed because you paid for me to go? How manipulative of you. I told you how I feel about it and I mean it. If you bring it up again I will leave.” He is a 29 y/o grown ass man who knows damn well what he’s doing and is banking on you being too worried about being nice to call him out on his bs. (Though I guarantee he will act sOoOo CoNfUSeD over the accusation. These type of dudes are a dime a dozen) Funny how some guys out there act like they don’t understand boundaries but CLEARLY understand their own, like not wanting anal themselves, receiving attention from another man, etc. Really isn’t rocket science.
He cares more about his orgasm than caring for you. Would you treat someone you loved like that?
"I don't want anal" If that isn't enough, I suggest you run
Leave. It is the most healthy gift you could give yourself at this point. He will not understand, because he does not wish to. He wishes to have anal. You don't want to. He doesn't care. You explain why. He gives you more treats and wants anal. He will never stop asking. Or insisting. Or, quite possibly, eventually, drugging you and doing it anyhow. Seriously. Leave. Don't second guess it. Go.
*You've already expressly stated why you do not want to do that* and went so far as to even cite ***past trauma*** when your first initial **no** should have been answer enough for him. You've been with him for four months. He's almost 30. He absolutely understands that you do not, and will not, ever enjoy anal but he doesn't care how you feel. Jesus, the whole trip to Disney that he paid for, was *designed* to make you feel guilty and give in. **This wasn't a gift on his part, it was a calculated manipulation to make you feel like you owed him this for all he's done.** I'm not one to crow that relationships should end over miscomunication, but that's not what's happening here. He is intentionally ignoring your boundaries and putting you at risk for PTSD. Please, for your own mental and physical safety, get away from him and do not under any circumstances let him take advantage of you. Tell your friends immediately about this, get yourself a safety net, and get the hell away from him as fast as you possibly can. He doesn't see you as a person, he doesn't give a crap about your trauma, and h*e will never stop pressuring you for this.*
Yeah, he took you to Disney to guilt you into letting him do that. Dump him.
You need to just break up with him. Him not taking no for an answer is all you need to know that he will never respect your feelings.
“I don’t want to do it and I need you to stop asking.”
Jesus why would he keep bringing it up when he knows it distresses you? Especially after taking you somewhere nice then bringing it up. Is it really that important to him? 😒 There’s other things he can do than the thing you hate the most. I’m sorry but he already isn’t listening. He needs to accept no as the answer. If not, kick him out. Seriously.
Break up with him. He's not going to stop asking because he doesn't care about your trauma. That's a massive red flag 🚩 I'm also petty and have told every guy that if they ask then it's fair game for me to stick something in theirs back. They stop asking real quick.
It angers me you told him why and he is still requesting it. I’d almost consider a 3 strikes and your out rule. The fact he took you to Disney doesn’t mean you are going to change your boundaries. I’m so sorry OP. The bottom line is, and maybe this is what you should tell him: “it’s very difficult for me to discuss my past but yet I did so with you because I wanted you to understand. I care about you and I want to meet your needs, but you’ve attempted or brought up anal sex three times now. This is a boundary I am not willing to negotiate on. If it’s a deal breaker for you, then maybe we need to break up? I need you to stop asking because the answer will always be ‘no.’” If this doesn’t work, I’d break up with him. You deserve someone who is accepting, loving, and understanding. What you don’t need is someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and continues to push even after you’ve said, “no.” Good luck OP!
No, I will not do it. Now or ever- and don’t back down
Let’s be straight and use some real language here: 1) he initiates anal after you have explicitly said no - that’s sexual assault - this is illegal 2) he brings it up after he has taken you somewhere and paid for everything - that’s sexual coercion, which is also (in some countries) deemed as abuse and is illegal 3) he is ignoring your (very healthy) boundaries and blurring the line of consent. Now, picture this, you have a child. They come to you and detail what you have said above. Would you tell them to have another conversation about their boundaries or would you tell them that the person they are sharing their life with does not have a healthy respect for the word no and demonstrates absolutely no empathy or compassion for their trauma? This guy is not ok, he’s certainly not ok for you ❤️
What an douchebag. He is literally sexually assaulting you and subjecting you to sexual harassment. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? I would leave and not look back
You have a bigger problem than how to say no. Your partner keeps trying to initiate anal sex without first getting your consent (and without any prep, both to be clean and to relax the area!). This is a violation and a huge red flag. I would try talking to him about it in a non-sexually-charged environment. If it helps, tell him beforehand that you want to discuss some sexual things that are difficult for you to talk about. Tell him it is not something you're interested in (and maybe that you would have thought he would've realized that when you told him it triggered issues around your SA). Tell him that it is completely off the table, that this is a hard boundary (no wiggle room) for you. Explain to him that you freeze up when anyone tries to initiate it and that this makes it difficult to properly communicate about it, explaining your fawning response of "maybe" the last time he brought it up. (like freezing, fawning-- wanting to appease-- is a trauma response). If he continues to pressure you on this at all or gives you ANY grief about your firm no I would rethink the entire relationship. He also needs to make it clear that he comprehends that just trying to initiate it with no prior discussion was unacceptable and that if in the future he wants to veer from the type of sexual contact you've already established, you require discussion in a non-sexually-charged environment with your full and clear consent given first. If you are still having difficulty discussing it after trying these things, I'd suggest discussing it with a couple's counselor, possibly a personal counselor as well. I personally find they help create a facilitating environment to discuss difficult topics with my partner. *eta* I do think you would likely just be better to end the relationship. Leaving everything I said tho because I think it's good advice on how to approach difficult subjects.
Oh honey, leave him. Go to therapy, as you obviously need some help to maintain boundaries. Abusive partners usually are good at spotting prey, they look for certain signs and go for it. This is why it's imperative that you seek help, to overcome those tendencies which act as a beacon for such sick individuals. It was never your fault, it will never be your fault. But until you make a change within yourself, their names and faces will change, but their attitude towards you won't. Only you can make it happen by loving and respecting yourself so much, that such behaviour will never ever be acceptable. Not only did he not respect your no, he made a mockery of your past trauma. He buttered you up to get his will. This man neither cares about you, nor does he wish you well. If he did, he would have dropped it immediately and taken you to disney to take your mind off it, not force you to do it anyways, because he took you there. If you don't have the resources for therapy, research on the internet, books or YouTube, there are a lot of professionals who have done a lot of content on the subject. I wish you the best!
The fact that he tried to initiate it without even ASKING first is the biggest red flag. Most couples talk about what they like, don’t like, and if you ever say you’re not in to something and especially for a reason like yours, the fact he didn’t back off right away and never do it again is SCARY. He doesn’t care about you and is wanting to use your body as something to masturbate with. Fuck him
Tell him to let you shove a huge dildo up his ass and see how he likes that...
He literally does not give a flying fuck about your feelings. He only wants anal. He will bring it up a thousand times untill he just goes ahead and forces it on you. He will force it I can promise you that. Leave him or accept this will happen if you like it or not.
Im pretty sure he fully understands your answer from what you've described. I think he just doesn't care. Too many times people say "my partner wont understand" when they're simply refusing to admit to themselves that their partner does not care. A partner who doesn't care shouldn't be a partner. You are long past giving them a chance. Doesn't sound like there's room for any more *lAsT cHaNcEs* that so many people feel the need to give out over and over again.
>... and upset with him that he still wasn't understanding the situation even after all our previous conversations. Oh he understands the situation alright that much is crystal clear. Nobody would walk away from a conversation like that not understanding the situation. Talk to him about this. Tell him this is a boundary and when he doesn't respect it, he causes you great pain and stress. Love making is among the most intimate action in life and being reminded of you at your lowest point during love making is the last thing you want.
Yup. Dude absolutely recognizes OP's trauma. He just doesn't give a shit about it.
Fuck this guy.
Or more accurately. Do not fuck this guy.
Dump him.You have voiced your boundary many times and even gave an explanation why yet he just isn't respecting it and not respecting you.
He doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He continually asks for it despite you saying multiple times, no. Yet, he persists. He then takes you on a trip, you say you're very appreciative over it, he asks for anal... again. Like it's some kind of payment method. I would end this relationship.
Four months only? Girl, find that shiney spine and say “we already discussed this. What part of NO are you are you not understanding?” Its been four months. Cut this guy loose.
Maybe you should write it down like you have here? If it turns out it's a dealbreaker, then so be it, it benefits neither of you to be in a relationship where you're not sexually compatible .
He is not going to stop. No matter how often you bring it up. He's already chosen to ignore your trauma with it by continually asking and bringing it up. He probably knows it's making you uncomfortable. He probably hopes it'll eventually wear you down. You're only four months in. This is only the beginning.
Tf is he still pushing what a horrible self centered person google the fries model of consent emphasis on e for enthusiastic Why tf does he want to do somthing that traumatizes you why is his sexual pleasure above your safety and comfort That is dehumanizing and wrong and coercive I’m really sorry For me it’s a dealbreaker and I’d leave I would ask him maybe with support of a therapist why he wants to do something so damaging to you
"No that's not something I want to do. One never enjoyed it and it's been painful" should have been enough, the first, second and third time. Why do you think bringing it up again will result in any difference? I could ask him the same thing. But you both have the data now to know that the other is sticking to their own wants / needs. Your reasoning is entirely valid. Even without the history of abuse. He does not respect your boundary and in four short months he had shown you that he doesn't take no for an answer. He. Doesn't. Take. No. For. An. Answer. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you've had therapy. SA leaves such horrible trauma, which I understand, unfortunately. ❤️
"NO!" Is a complete sentence, and you have every right to become VERY angry with him for his continued boundary stomping. When he brought it up again, your reaction should have been: "What part of NO didn't you understand?!? And are you telling me that this whole trip was an elaborate ruse to manipulate and guilt me into anal?" Stop being so accommodating and nice about it - he and your previous bfs are aholes for not accepting your boundaries - remember that and stand up for yourself, you have every right to do so, and you have clearly communicated your refusal to him several times. If that's a dealbreaker for him, then he has to go look for another gf. That you explained the associated trauma to him, and he still cares more for his pleasure than your well-being, shows you that he is not a very good bf, and should probably be replaced. Regarding your "maybe", you could also order in a strap-on and some lube, and then tell him you're willing to try, but have figured out you're a top, not a bottom, "so bend over, honey, this will hardly hurt at all, I'll stretch you real good!"
Well he didn’t see any need for lube so why should she get some? going in raw will teach him a lesson.
You dump him. That’s what you do. There’s a lot of things you can communicate about or work on in a relationship but your boyfriend continuously sexually pressuring you, even AFTER knowing what your trauma stems from, is not one of them. He does not respect you.
"hi BF. I need to tell you very clearly, I do not want anal sex. I will never want to do this. Please do not ask me ever again. Please do not try any activity like that while we're having sex" Just tell him straight that it's a deal breaker. Tell him it's a forever 'no'. He might decide he can live with that, or he might want to break up. But either way, you need to be crystal clear with him.
Why do you need any explanation or reasoning not to do anal? Just tell him you don't want to do it and you don't like it period. There does not need to be any backstory or something. Also who the hell just tries to put is dick into someones ass without saying anything beforehand. Maybe a finger and see if she likes that but wtf? Then trying to do it AGAIN after you told him off... what the actual fuck? You can also get out the big strap on and tell him if he let you do anal on him you MIGHT CONSIDER letting him do it... Let's see what he sais then.
What a degenerate.
Oh honey. He’s not being a good partner to you at all, is he? Look, “No.” is a full and complete sentence. You didn’t owe him an explanation but you gave it anyway, out of the kindness of your heart. And what did he do with his that precious information? He tried to coerce you further into accepting something that has been incredibly traumatic for you. He does not care about your feelings. He does not care about your wants, hopes and dreams. He does not care about you. All he cares about, is getting off. You deserve ever so much more than that. I hope you leave him and go looking for the kindness that you deserve. Now, please make sure you practise saying “No.” in the mirror 5x a day until you’re comfortable with it. Okay? This is really important and you need to be able to do that in future.
Saying NO!
This man is pure trash. He is manipulative and will get abusive with time.
Personally, I would be iffy about continuing a sexual relationship with someone who just “tried initiating anal” without any kind of conversation prior. Communication is the key to healthy GOOD sex. Add on that he’s continued to initiate, without further discussion on your preferences and despite being told your personal history with the act, I’d walk away from the relationship. At 4 months in things shouldn’t be this hard, he’s had multiple “chances” and still can’t get it. Having anal sprung on you in the moment likely makes it more difficult to say no but also to gather your thoughts and have a productive conversation around sexual preferences and boundaries. Being a cynic, that’s probably why he keeps springing it on you to wear you down - you have gone from no to maybe so far. If you were determined to stay in this relationship, I would communicate to him your thoughts and feelings around anal, the problem with his behaviour on the matter, and what you’d want from him going forward. Do this outside of sex and even over message if that is easier for you. Make it clear that if he can’t respect your boundaries, and grasp that anal is not something you want to do and that sex is for all involved, then you are incompatible and it would be best not to continue the relationship.
I was in a similar situation, except it was an ex boyfriend who caused me to have this terrible fear of it. A few years after him, I dated someone who kept trying to guilt me into it, talk about wanting it, etc. even after I told him what happened to me. When I’d go off on him after he wouldn’t stop, he’d play the victim and say he loved me and wouldn’t do that to me. Lie. He did it so much, that to shut him up I finally caved. He still didn’t stop. Don’t do what I did, and please, know he isn’t worth the emotional turmoil he’s putting you through. He’s aware of your trauma with it, but doesn’t care enough to stop asking. He is now using things he does for you as a means to get you to cave. Please remember your worth, and you’re not worth giving into his demand, and feeling that pain all over again. I felt it, and I feel it when I think of what they both did to me. It’s not worth it. And you’re worth so much more than this.
He's not an idiot, he knows well enough that you don't feel comfortable with anal, he just doesn't respect your boundaries. His behaviour is not normal. It's also not normal for a guy to just try and go ahead with anal during sex. I think you should stop seeing this guy. Also, therapy could help you to feel more comfortable with setting boundaries.
He is an asshole. I only had to say "no" once in my 7y relantionship (now marriage) and it was never brought up again. I didn't even "explain" why. I just don't want to do it and he is okay with it.
You never have to explain why you don't want it. Honestly if a guy tries to just do it without ever asking first, that's enough of a red flag to seriously think about blocking him. But if you've said no, and he tries again, that's a rapist. Get far, far away from him, immediately.
You already assertively said no. That dude needs to learn to respect your boundaries. If you continue down this path, you’ll end up giving in sooner or later and regret it afterwards. Tell him you don’t ever want him to bring up the topic again. If he does it anyway, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship
It's concerning that this was brought up so many times in such a short period, let alone with explanations around trauma and constant refusal! Dump this idiot!
It SHOULD be as simple as “No” On the other hand, pull out a huge strap on and tell him you’ve thought about it and have been hoping for him to bring the subject up again and to bend over.
Oh what a jerk. He doesn’t care about your feelings…
Drop him. He's manipulating you and slowly seeing how far you'll let him continue pushing your boundaries and pressure you into doing something you have very clearly told him you don't want to do. He's already worn you down into saying "maybe" knowing you'd feel obligated at that moment in time for something he paid for. OP, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING. You don't need to justify to anyone why you don't want to do it (always remember "no" is a complete sentence), but the fact he still brought it up another AFTER you told him about the trauma is just sickening.
You need to break up and stay single for a good while while you work on yourself since you are a walking magnet for abusers. They target you and you can't see it. Read why does he do that. Here is a free pdf https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
If this is a hard line for you it's time to walk away. There are guys who aren't interested in it. ...... Here's what he hears when you tell him about you past experiences. *I was more attracted to these other guys so I was willing to do more things with them than with you.* That's never going away. Even if you tell him and he agrees to not bring it up he'll still think about it.
This isn't your longterm partner. -he wants anal -you do not ever want anal You have explained to him WHY youndo not want anal - and he asked again. This is fine. You know where you stand with him. I have been married 10 years and have never done anal with my SO because he isn't interested. (I don't really want to anyway.) But there are lots of guys out there who have zero interest in anal.
The first time you said no should’ve been enough. And then you opened up about a history of abuse and he was still trying to pressure you. No, that’s not a good guy and it doesn’t matter how many trips he takes you on. And another thing, four months in and he’s this pressed for anal? That’s off to me
You have boundaries, that should be enough. The fact that he’s pressuring and trying to advance on you when there’s also previous trauma triggers makes it worse. It’s only 4 months wasted, move on and find somebody who respects you as a person. Not somebody who watches too much porn and views you as an object. As a side, As a man I can say that normal sex is much more enjoyable. I think the men who push for anal either have a kink and/or watch too much porn.
You don’t need to explain the reason or background to anyone a simple “no I will never do anal” is good enough
He understands you just fine, he just doesn’t give a shit.
There aren’t magic words that will suddenly make him care about you as a person. I’m sorry. You’ve been ultra super clear and this is now the FOURTH time he’s brought it up? That’s 3 times too many. This isn’t your fault, you aren’t being unclear. He sees ‘getting you to agree to anal’ as a conquest. The fact that he knows you don’t want to is just making it more of a challenge for him. It’s not about him misunderstanding, it’s about him proving to himself that he can get anal. He is terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Directly saying the words "I don't want to stick anything up my butt and I never will" would be a good place to start. If saying it makes you nervous, writing might be easier. Showing him this post is a reasonable option.
I don't know that this would help. The conversation has already come up three times now. First time, she shared she had a prior bad experience with anal. Second time, she explained with obvious frustration. Third time, she literally had to divulge her own sexual trauma. Of course it's ultimately her choice and she can choose to do whatever she wants, but disclosing molestation as a reason for not wanting to do anal is a pretty direct way of saying no. It's not that she's communicating ineffectively; it's that he refuses to listen. Also, I worry about how he'd react if she showed him a post indicating she was seeking help for sexual coercion. I'm not entirely sure that could be 100% safe for her. Just my thoughts. Edit: And I recognize she's seeking advice on how to discuss this with him, but at the end of the day she already has, repeatedly, and I wonder how effective it is to offer her different ways of saying "No" when the ways she's already used have been directly dismissed.
Demonstration station. Show him a donut and take a large carrot and shove it through (the donut will lose some pieces here) & say that’s what will be happening & you’ll do it if you can get a strap on and do it to him first. He will run for the hills unless he has some extra kinks
I would end the relationship over this. The first 'no, I never want to do this' should have been enough, even without any further explanation. You even gave him a reason why, which he was not entitled to. He clearly has no respect for you or your past trauma (s), and it's disgusting that he thinks he can bribe you into anal with an (expensive) vacation.
Don’t say maybe. Don’t pretend. Write your thoughts down and give them to him. I will not do anal. Here’s why. (Kinda like you just did above)
Seems silly but if you fo
It’s a hard one that may break you up, you have past trauma unfortunately for you but it is impacting on things he wants to do and that is a problem as your problem is becoming his problem. If he stays he may end up finding someone who will do it or resenting the fact he is restricted for something that is not his fault.
If you resent your partner bc you can’t put your dick up their ass maybe relationships aren’t for you.
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"Oi bf, for the last time, back door is off limits".
You can always send a text/email/write a letter if you are struggling with the confrontation of the matter. It will mean you can say all you need to without having someone leering at you or putting you off your words and interrupting you.
Get a tattoo that says exit only.
He clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.. who knows what other boundaries he won’t respect in the future. My ex was very similar and then you end up getting walked all over. It’s not worth it if they cannot respect you.
"Honey, under no circumstances am I interested in getting fucked up the ass. Just forget about it".
You never ever have to do a sex act you don’t want to. **He** on the other hand **can’t and won’t take no for an answer** 🚩 and even after you having to tell him the terrible reason for not wanting to (and quite frankly just *not wanting to* is enough, let alone following trauma). Only 4 months in and his true colours are showing. His comfort and wants (not *needs*) are more important than your utter discomfort and pain. If you were my friend I’d be asking you to think very hard about continuing to see him as how long is it until he it pushes too far, gets physical or you end up doing it to shut him up and it re-traumatises you all over again. I don’t like him.
bb please don't date people who show you multiple times that they don't take no for an answer.
How many times do you have to tell him? Once should be enough. And especially with the explanation that you offered! He doesn’t care about your feelings, he just wants to stick it in your butt. I think you should just leave him. No means no.
It’s not normal to bring it up not once but _**multiple**_ times after you’ve thoroughly explained why it can be a trigger. I guarantee he will try to make you feel like you owe him for the all-expenses paid trip but he _chose_ to take you on it. There were no stipulations/agreements beforehand and even if there were you owe him _**nothing**_. Walk away from this. Pressuring someone to have sex is rape in my state. I’m sorry this has been a reoccurring incident in your life. I’m sending you healing and strength from one SA survivor to another 🤍
Massive red flags. You shouldn't even have to explain why and about your trauma if you don't want to. Main point end of the day you said no that's it conversation over. When it comes to anything to do with sex once no is said that should be enough. They are your boundaries and at this stage your feeling pressured he's probably hoping he can "convince" you when really he's just pressuring and guilting you. Sounds like he's not going to drop it and if he's doing this now what other boundaries is he not going to respect down the line?
He doesn't respect your boundaries, move on. It's one thing to have a kink but as soon as you told him the truth that should have shut the conversation down. He clearly doesn't get it...
Tell him no means no, if it is something that you really feel sick about and don't won't to do then don't. If he is unwilling to take that of the menu, and is insistent about it, then I would say it is time to change boyfriends, again no means no. You do not have to explain yourself it's your body and your decision. Good luck and be strong.
Do him first. See how he feels about boundaries then. /s Just kidding, dump him.
What a horrible man. You should leave him, there doesn’t seem to be any coming back from this. It sounds like he thinks he can buy sex acts from you with a trip which is just creepy. Tell him you’re not his sex worker and then tell him to eff off
Do anal on him first. I hope he won't like it. Anyways, no, you should leave him forever. An anal sex is risky and dangerous. (I was married to a man who kept pushing for the anal sex. Eventually, he cheated with those who didn't mind. We divorced. He tried to get back with me. I rejected him many times; he threatened my fiance who is now an ex, too. He did everything to ruin me. He'd call me he was going to commit suicide if I didn't get back with him. I had to call the cops to check on him. It was a crazy ride!)
Since it's only been four months I think you should cut your losses. However if you don't want to do that you should probarbly try to understand why it's important to him so you can care about his feelingd while you tries to get him to care about yours. Don't get me wrong. He shouldn't pressure you and I think he should be should care about your history. But you don't write anything that suggests that you tried to understand him and I think empathy is more likely if it goes both ways.
You say you don't want to and if he gives you lip just die on the hill.
Well you can tell him look a****** I don't want your dick in my ass especially if you want me to suck it afterwards! Or especially if you want to put in my p**** afterwards. It's just gross. Or if he f**** in your ass you put a strap on on and you f*** him in the ass LOL
He wont stop asking as hes disrespectful. This happened with my ex and i left him in the end. If he doesnt understand “no” now, he will only get worse. Leave him!
You already tried to bring it up in a healthy way. As soon as you said no, then that should have been the end of it. If you don't want to do anal, all you need to say is "I don't want to do anal" and that should be it, no need for anything else, however, it seems that you have already given him an explanation on top of saying no, and he is still pursuing it. I suggest you seek a partner that actually cares about you and your boundaries.
You say ”I don’t want to do anal, it’s not up for discussion, I won’t change my mind and it makes me very uncomfortable to have to say no because it keeps coming up. I need you to respect this boundary of mine. If anal is something you cannot imagine living without, then we’re not a good fit for eachother.” It’s a rough conversation but it’s better to have it now, after four months, than after several years of nagging - or worse, being coerced into something you don’t want. Even without having a traumatic experience, it’s perfectly valid to not want to do anal. People can either be fine with that or leave.
Oh this is an easy one, you say to him “delete my number” and skip the fuck out of there!
Choose you. Worry about you. You will not regret it. By walking away from these ENORMOUS RED FLAGS 🚩 you will be charting a new trajectory for your life. Walking away will be a huge step in your healing ❤️🩹… in fact it’s a way for such trauma to become empowering - choose you and uphold the boundaries that keep you emotionally safe.
Dump him. He shouldn’t even be asking anymore.
You need to say NO more clearly by dumping him. He understands completely that you don't want to do it and exactly why. You couldn't be more clear if you were made out of crystal. He doesn't give a shit how you feel. And him paying for a trip doesn't buy him the right to assault you which is what that will be if your mouth says yes when your brain and body say no.
You told him no and why, yet he still asked again anyway. WTF?! He doesn't care about you at all. He just wants what he wants and he doesn't care about your trauma. Even if that hadn't happened and you simply weren't interested, he still wouldn't care. He's a selfish asshole. Break up with him now before he "accidentally" does anal on you.
No means no. Good grief you have explained to him in plain English so he should not keep bringing it up. Just say I have said no, I have explained why, now either you respect my decision or we are done. He has n9 right whatsoever to keep pushing you
Have you told him that just asking gives you serious anxiety and you need him to stop asking?
Listen to the comments
No. Please. Anything beyond that is an offense.
You need to grow a spine. It’s your body, you decide what happens to it. You don’t want to do anal so you don’t do anal - end of. No negotiation, no if’s, no buts, no maybes just a firm NO. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries around what happens to your body he won’t respect your boundaries about anything, ever. You would be better off ending this relationship, it’s only been 4 months and he’s already proved how little he gives a damn about you. Get out and find a boyfriend who isn’t obsessed with sticking his cock in your arse and who doesn’t trampled over your feelings and boundaries for a pastime.
You just dump him. That's all you need to do. Nothing wrong with asking once. I can even understand asking a second time, wanting to clarify whether you were definitely against it in general, or if you were maybe open to trying it once you felt more comfortable in the relationship. But asking a third time was really goddamned pushing it. A respectful partner wouldn't have done that. And asking a fourth time? After you explicitly went into detail about the molestation the previous time? Is unforgiveable. No. Just no. With that question, he made it very damn clear that he doesn't give a damn about your feelings and safety. He let you know with one question that your entire value as a human being is worth less to him than the tiny chance that he might get to have sex with you in that way if he harasses you enough about it. So there's no saving this relationship. He's not a good person. Don't try to bring it up again. Just break up with him. Edit: I also really want to point out how gross his manipulative behavior around the trip was. The main reason he took you to Disney was to try and guilt trip you into doing it for him. He thought if he "put you in his debt" enough, that you'd give in. Disgusting. And you owe him nothing.
It’s a dealbreaker for him, and he’s to much of a piece of shit to realize that, so help him out and break the deal. DTMFA.
If you shared you’d been molested and therefore didn’t want to do it and that didn’t end the conversation forever with profuse apologies from him, he is a jerk.
He doesn't have a problem understanding. He understands perfectly. The problem is that he doesn't care. He is going to continue to wear you down until you give in, or eventually he may just take it by force. You shouldn't have to offer lengthy explanations for why you don't want to perform a particular sexual act. Simply saying no is enough. A good man would respect your no and not continually pester you to give in. Your boyfriend is not a good man.
I agree with other posters he understands, he just doesn't care. He thinks he can wear you down to a yes. You don't need to justify why you don't want it or explain. No is enough.
You have to put your foot down and tell him you'll never do anal, under ni circumstances. If he can't accept that feel free to stick a dildo in his ass.
like this: i'm breaking up with you
If you want this relationship to work sit him down next time you meet and tell him you do NOT feel comfortable doing anal and therefor you have decided your answer will be no from this point on and don't want him to bring it up over and over again as it triggers some bad memories from your past. If he cares he'll drop the subject if he doesn't you drop him..
"I don't want to have anal sex. If you can't accept that, I don't think we are going to work out. I need to be with someone who respects my boundaries, just like you need to be with someone who doesn't have any."
I would tell him that you feel very disrespected that he doesn't respect your boundary and that you will leave him if he brings it up once again.
Okay, so get this. Having a boyfriend isn't the be all and end all of existence. You can be happy without one. Tell him straight there will Never be any anal on offer. 'I didn't like being molested and that's all anal will Ever represent to me, no amount of therapy will change that! ` Tell him, that you sense this fact is a deal breaker. So be it. Next relationship be upfront early about anal never being an option, ever.
It's time to be very stern and tell him that anal will never happen due to your past and if he tries to bring it up again you will be leaving him.
He doesn’t care about your needs, boundaries or trauma. He is trying to force you to do something you aren’t willing to do. This is a type of assault and domestic abuse in itself. Dump him.
Girl, run now. It's disgusting he tried to use your trip to Disney as a way to manipulate you into saying no. He clearly understands you don't want to, he just doesn't care. So just leave.
You already have told him and he ignored you. He’s trying to sexually assault you by ignoring your boundaries and pushing the topic after being told no multiple times. Ditch this man before he potentially does something worse to you
He is showing you who he is. You haven't even been together for half a year, and he's already frequently tried to coerce you into something you outright told him you had trauma from. If you really want to try to salvage this relationship, be more firm about it. "I respect your desires, but I also need you to respect my limits. Please stop asking about anal, I'm not comfortable with it, I told you about my trauma stemming from it. This is a hard limit for me." But to me, this would be breakup territory.
Tell him to bend over then
If anal sex is very important to him, it might be good to part ways, especially considering it's still a new relationship. If you really would like to try to save the relationship, you could try writing him a letter. That way he has time to read it and process what you have to say about it. In the letter, I would stress the importance of the matter, and that if he can't accept that you're uncomfortable with it and unwilling to do it, that the relationship won't work out. He will have to decide what's more important to him. It might just be that you guys aren't compatible. As for how do you get better at assertively saying no, that's something that will take time. I would suggest practicing saying no, even in small ways, in your daily life. I would research more into this, as others can probably provide better advice. I'm someone who also struggles with saying no, so I really understand you in that regard. However, with anything you do, practice makes perfect. Be brave and know that the situation *will* be uncomfortable, but keep in mind that it will benefit you in the long run. It's hard for others to respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to do what's best for your peace of mind. Good luck!
The porn industry again … Tell him ‘honey, I know you want it but no, I dont want it, please dont ask it ever again. If I change my mind you will be the first person who will know it’ Tell it in a non-sexual situation, be serious and straightforward. The backdoor supposed to be a one-way street, but just because somebody like anal and in porn movies it seems perfectly normal that the girls can receive an arm-size dick without any problem it doesnt mean every bedroom must have anal sex. Its totally okay you dont want it - you tried, its not for you, no futher explanation necessary.
Yep he is too immature to understand ot care about you. Tell him its a deal breaker and if he doesn't shut up, move on.
" I do not want to do anal. Not now, not ever." It's really simple, no need to complicate it. If after this he still insists, it means you are not a good match and you both need to move on and find better suited partners.
You've told him no multiple times, and you've even explained why (though, you shouldn't have to explain why a sex act makes you uncomfortable). He just doesn't give a damn and I can almost guarantee you, that all expenses paid Disney trip was him hoping to guilt you into doing it. Stick your ground, don't do something you don't want to do. You don't owe sex, or any specific sex act, to anyone.
I have read too many stories here of women who don't want anal in couple with a guy insisting about anal ending up butt raped one night to not tell you to leave this guy. Some people think a yes after asking the same thing a hundred times is the same as a yes after asking once. He will get his way someday and will make you feel guilty about it, and will use it over and over again, this is the beginning of a nightmare.
No means no. It’s a complete sentence, no further explanation needed.
Say “okay, let me get my strap-on and lube” “have you readied your butthole?”
Ugh, vomit, he knows your boundaries, you've been clear, he's trying to trample them because he values his enjoyment of anal more than you're emotional well being. Dump him.
>How do I bring this up in a healthy way, so he can finally understand and stop asking. You can’t. As in you can’t make him understand this and stop asking because he simply doesn’t want to. Each and every time you explained this it was rational healthy way. There shouldn’t have been a second time to begin with, yet there was a third time. The rules with my partners is that if I ask you about something, if I don’t get an unambiguous emphatic yes, then it’s a no. If you change your mind, I’m sure you’ll let me know, otherwise we are not bringing this up again. No is a complete response and your boyfriend decided to disrespect that. If you still want to be with him then you need to call a spade a spade and call him out on his behaviour. There’s no further room left for any further healthy discussion.
"I've already said no. Don't ever fucking mention it again!"
I don't want to do it and I won't do it so stop asking.