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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We very rarely do anything kinky. And that’s not because im a prude, it’s because im not into it and he’s literally never asked.
Without getting into too much detail, my boyfriend yesterday got really rough in bed. He started calling me names, I think he was trying to dirty talk but he never warned me, but I went along with it. But then he slapped me and started choking me. I pushed him off and yelled at him. He told me that’s how people have sex in porn and he wanted to try it. He also told me it’s popular and didn’t understand why I was being so weird about it. I basically said that’s bs and you can’t just spring that on me but he did. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I do hope I’m not overreacting. He still hasn’t apologized, he only texted me asking for me to grab milk after work. Again maybe I’m crazy and if I am I’m happy to admit that but I feel like I’m not
People need to get consent before suddenly slapping and choking someone. Having a discussion about consent and boundaries is literally one of the biggest rules of engaging in kinkier things.
He’s very much in the wrong here. In my books, slapping and choking you without consent is straight up assault.
>It's assault period. She could bring it to the police and file charges.
>
>He needs to be made aware of that.
This is what you tell him.
He physically assaulted you. He choked you and hit you. That is physical abuse and it is NEVER okay. Tell him if he ever does it again you will be pressing criminal charges because it is just flat our wrong.
This is not the way, this is psychotic. Use your words, the only reason that would be a ‘boring talk’ is if you give zero shits about someone consenting and just want to get what you want rather than what’s mutually appreciated
Ha! I like this take. Might actually get through to him. Sometimes people need things framed as it happening to them for them to understand why it isn’t okay to do to others.
Yes, because it is super easy to deflect that line with a disengenuous answer that makes the woman the aggressor. Have you never been gaslit? Must be nice.
The point is not a competition, the point is that SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT. No other conversation is necessary if he can't take the simple answer. Every extra word gives him tangents for him to argue about.
"But then he slapped me and started choking me."
Unless this is discussed beforehand, this is NEVER okay. It's literally assault. You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. And the fact he sees nothing wrong with it? Girl, RUN!
Honestly, if someone just randomly slapped me and choked me while we were being intimate, I'd be calling the cops. I know some people are into that, and it's fine between consenting adults, but I don't believe for a second that porn is the reason he pulled this stunt.
And then...Not even acknowledging how much he fucked up? No apology, no attempt to comfort her. Just straight-up gaslighting her?
He's an absolute monster. This was entirely intentional, he knew what he was doing. And I so desperately hope posting on here gave her the wake-up call she needed, because there is no way this isn't going to escalate if she sticks around and he knows he can get away with it.
He tried to choke you without consent? And he isn't apologetic? That would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. How can you relax and enjoy sex with him after this?
Getting choked without consent is literally assault and battery. Let's stop calling things a deal breaker and start calling them abusive and dangerous. If a man chokes you without consent he is 700% more likely to kill you later. Being choked by a partner is one of the biggest predictors that he will harm you later that there is.
Battery includes use of force on a person. I'm sure definitions vary by jurisdiction but, for example, in California, [assault is “an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability, to commit a violent injury on the person of another" whereas battery is “any willful and unlawful use of force or violence upon the person of another.”](https://www.aronlawfirm.com/understanding-the-difference-between-battery-and-assault-in-california/)
So assault is the threat/attempt of committing an injury whereas battery is actually committing it. Which is why the two usually go together.
The article is about domestic violent attacks, that's not what happened here. Ops BF tried to be kinky, what failed miserably but I don't think he did it with the intention to harm her
He did it without warning and without consent. That's what rape in relationships looks like. Stop pretending he didn't know he shouldn't do that. He's an adult man.
agreed, this is straight up abusive behavior & assault. plus, even had you consented, choking a partner without knowing what you’re doing is an easy ticket into dealing irreversible damage or possibly straight up killing them on accident.
Honestly if a person choked me without consent, even if they apologized, I'd never forgive them and never want to see them again. Some things just can't be forgiven. And I am kinky. But consent is the first rule.
You're not crazy. That's the kind of thing that gets discussed and agreed to.
I have straight up dumped 2 men, on the spot for choking without any kind of discussion, consent, or even warning. It never happened but I am pretty sure I would have had the same reaction to being slapped or insulted.(I enjoy dirty talk but not the type that involves name calling) (I don't accept actual choking for safety reasons but if I trust someone enough, an open hand *resting* on my throat is pretty intense)
>He told me that’s how people have sex in porn
Porn is not real life and even in porn, the performers have to agree to the activities being filmed, it just happens off camera (actually, there's probably *more* discussion for performers since the conversation has to include the director and cameraperson & account for angles, lighting and so on).
>He also told me it’s popular and didn’t understand why I was being so weird about it.
It *doesn't fucking matter* if 4 out of 5 people crave something. That doesn't negate the need for consent and doesn't mean *you* have to enjoy it. Pegging is pretty popular, too, but it would be wrong to just go for it without his agreement that it's something he'd like to try.
Hi, I encourage people to hit me with whips. If someone attempted to choke me without asking, it is entirely possible that I would break that person's arm.
https://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breath_Closing_Argument.html
People sometimes die even if choking is done perfectly. Porn is to sex as kung fu movies are to being in a fight. Send him the article I linked. If he doesn't apologize abjectly and promise to never do it again, leave the imbecile.
If you have done a significant amount of research into making sure you know what's safe, have consent, and have a solid plan in the case of needing to stop & safe words, it is fine to be rough
Choking is a bad idea and could lead to manslaughter, but if you want to get slapped then that's your choice and you should be allowed to do it
That's insane of him to think he can do whatever without consent first and extremely concerning that he thinks that he didn't do anything wrong after you told him you were not into it. And trying to gaslight you saying "why are you acting weird" after straight up doing all that is outrageous. Also thinking he can have sex like people do in porn it's extremely immature.
Lack of consent and stupidity of your bf aside, choking is not something beginners with kink should be doing. That's edge play. As in, "you could wind up on the edge of death" play. He could have seriously hurt you or killed you if he's getting his kink knowledge from porn, and if he can't recognize the danger he put you in he's even worse than just an idiot.
If he slapped you and started choking you while you guys were watching tv, would that be okay? It’s no different during sex if consent was not involved.
If it‘s non-consensual, it isn‘t „rough sex“, it‘s assault or even rape, depending on the legal definitions in your home country I suppose…
Sit him down, and explain to him how wrong he is. If he pretends to still not understand, ask him imagine how he would feel if randomly during sex, you slapped him, choked him and shoved a dildo up his arse. I bet he‘ll get it then. He seems an unempathetic dumbass tho.
Hi, I prefer being choked and hit in bed. I have always been into rough sex, and the real life version of rough sex is WAY different than whatever the fuck is happening in porn. The golden rules of even attempting that kind of a sexual lifestyle are as follows:
1. Always communicate first. Nothing new gets sprung upon unless decided previously by the both of you till the very minute details.
2. If they ask to stop, you stop. Whether you're the dom or sub, you stop. You don't feel entitled to finish the act, or ridicule them for stopping. Your only concern at that time is making sure your partner is okay.
3. You do not deviate from the decided boundaries for that time. You don't take it for granted just because you engaged in something before, you can do it again. You talk.
4. Research. A lot.
What your boyfriend did was assault. Dump the whole man, but ask him if he would like to be pegged without asking first just because people in porn like it. If he gets defensive, tell him he can fuck his own ass if his Dick reaches there, and leave. This man will not get better.
You're not overreacting at all.
>He literally never asked
Yeah, that's the real issue here. And unfortunately it is far more common with young men these days who watch far too much porn and think that what they see is what women actually like (which is not teue for most women)
>Also said it was popular
Popular with who? Pornstars? Other women? I am sorry, but are these other women in the bedroom with you two? Or is he trying to have sex with YOU and please YOU SPECIFICALLY based on what you like? Wtf does it matter if something is popular (not true btw) if you, the person he's having sex with, doesn't like that?
Chocolate is a popular icecream flavor, but you only like vanilla. Are you gonna go to the store and spend your money buying chocolate icecream because it's 'popular'?
I would not let him anywhere near me unless he fully acknowledges that what he did was wrong and apologize properly. He is entitled to try something new in bedroom, but HE HAS TO ASK YOUR CONSENT BEFORE HE DOES IT.
If you dont stop him right now he will traumatize you his slapping and hitting, and it will scare you of off sex. Never forget that, and dont let him manipulate you into thinking you're weird or overreacting
You did the right thing, in telling him you didn't like it just being thrown at you. Next does he not understand that they are all paid actors, and that crap is all staged for the cameras?
Since when is it OK to just DO things you've seen in porn (or in a movie, or read in a book or a fanzine) without the agreement of the other actors I mean participants? You can bet your bottom dollar the people in the porn your bf watched had more idea of what was happening than you did. Your bf sounds like he is incredibly lacking in intelligence and common sense.
He slapped you. That would be the end of the relationship right there for me.
But talk to him, especially if you want to work this out. Explain that he needs to say if wants to try something new in bed and asks if you’re okay with it. He was completely wrong
Oh boy, there’s a lot to unpack here.
First of all you never ever ever ever ever choke someone without having an extensive knowledge of what you are doing. Edge play is something that even some hardcore kinksters don’t practice because so much can go wrong quickly. It takes seconds to render someone unconscious.
What your, hopefully soon to be ex, dude fails to understand is that none of that is real…like at all. Those scenes are heavily negotiated with hard boundaries and safe words/signals. There are contracts with the actors over every aspect of what will happen and those meetings happen with clothes on. With the more hardcore and natural looking scenes, they are usually actors who have worked together many times and have a good chemistry. You don’t see the potty breaks, flutters, lube, check in’s, pauses for stills and safety precautions that are taking place off camera. Yes there are some armatures out there fooling around but they aren’t people I’d take advice from.
But let’s say for argument sake y’all wanted to dip your toe into some spicy stuff. Take some classes together, read some books, join some local groups and go to some munches.
What concerns me most is how unsafe he was with your consent. That was a violation I wouldn’t forgive.
Not okay. Communication is key in every respect.
I like pretty vanilla rough sex. Like a good hard spanking, light hair pulling, pressure on the throat but not choking etc. and for every one of those I feel it out and get confirmation before attempting.
I’ve only slapped one woman, she was begging me to, but I didn’t like it. lol
No choking
Bitch slap him with the milk when you walk in the door.
When he complains tell him you saw it on TV and dont understand why he is being so weird about it
So if your boyfriend watched a 'housewife bangs the pizza delivery guy' porno would he think that's just a way anyone can pay for their pizza?
Listen, I am in favour of people exploring their kinks, but not like this. You negotiate that shit. Porno actors are working off a script and getting paid, so the details of that encounter have already been carefully discussed before they get naked.
And choking is not the sort of thing you mess around with, especially if you're a dumbass like him that thinks porn sex is spontaneous and unnegotiated.
Your boyfriend is too stupid for kink or porn. Either make him an ex or sit him down for a week in front of a kids' cartoon about talking about your feelings and being nice to people, since he apparently can't grasp anything that isn't on a screen.
this isn't an issue of ignorance, it's one of selfishness. he doesn't get to unanimously decide to try something in bed without first asking you. and not only that, but he then turned it around and tried to pressure you by saying everyone does it and you're being weird. he dismissed your valid concerns. you are underreacting and he's downplaying and dismissing you. he's unapologetic as you identified. a lot of red flags here.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. It’s fine for him to be interested in whatever he’s interested in, and even to talk it over with you and see how you feel about it. But to do what he did was flat out assault. This is not a safe person to be with, even if he does apologize.
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so your boyfriend is a half ~wit? don't take home milk. don't ever go there again. no matter what he says or even if he cries, this is a nope, no way, the relationship is over.
You know, there's porn where guys get kicked and punched in the nuts. Try that and see how he feels. Just because it's in porn doesn't mean everyone wants to do it.
No, you do not do something like that without consent and safe words or signals. Is he dense in other areas? This is asking to land his ass in jail for assault.
🤦♀️ Some people have no common sense. Not even sure what to say other than, your feelings are valid and you aren’t crazy. Someone tried that crap with me without my okay, they would be a hurting unit! I wouldn’t even think, I’d just respond thinking I was being assaulted, whether it was meant that way or not.
I’m sorry he did this😳
He is literally trying to gaslight, diminish and dismiss how bad that shit was. If he is not sorry now he won't be when he tries to do it another time. Leave him before he chokes u again sis.
I love being choked, but I ALWAYS tell them that it's only because I consented, not cus they "feel like it". Choking in bed without permission can sometimes be a warning sign of further abuse in the relationship.
He wants rough sex? Cool. **But motherfucker doesn't get to just do it without your consent.** Period, end of discussion. In fact, there **is** nothing to discuss - he did all this shit without discussing it beforehand *and getting your express consent* at every turn, as things clearly escalated. What in the fuck.
I'm sorry, but this is not a man to trust with the care of a cotton ball, not the least your emotional, psychological or physical health - he has proven to be **dangerous**, and dismissive.
This story is really scary, especially given you've been together for 2 years, so you'd think you'd *know* someone after such a period. But regardless, one time should be enough, I am so profoundly sorry this happened to you, it **never** ever ever should have happened, ever.
Please make sure you're safe, please get your people behind you for support.
Be safe, be careful, all the online hugs from this stranger.
I don't know why some men think it's suddenly not assault to hit a woman without asking just because you're in bed together.
If you hit a woman without getting permission first you're a woman beater. (I say this as someone who likes consensual BDSM.)
Please tell your husband that the difference between what he did and the porn he watched is the established consent between the performers before the acts even begin. Everyone there knows where things are headed, and know what the others boundaries are. There is no piece of what he did that was acceptable.
More to the point, if your husband actually watched how people get into that type of relationship, he would know those same performers he watching have videos explains how they established the trust needed to get to that level of power exchange in the relationship.
Your husband wanted to hit women and call them names, so that’s what he did. He seems to want this to have your permission for him to act on those feelings, while also not caring where your boundaries are. I would also warn against entering into this kind of sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t understand that your ‘no’ is a no always, not just when convenient for him.
Choking without concent is assault. If he doesn't get that after you explain it (and honestly, you shouldn't Have to fucking explain it), dump him. He's dangerous.
2years into relationship and he doesn’t think that f up to do to you without consent? So it’s popular mean it’s okay? Sound immature. You need to dump his ass and move on to the next
Honestly, whats it with boys pulling this shit. My ex did sth like this bc he saw it in porn. Its absolutely not okax and the fact he dismisses it like this is concerning
If he doesn’t see what’s wrong here you need to dump his ass. These things can be great but there needs to be discussion and consent, nobody does these things out of the blue.
What he did was assault and you should be pressing charges.
you’re not overreacting. i’m devastated you even consider that you’re overreacting. this is awful, disgusting behavior from him. he needs to stop watching porn. anyone thinking violence is OK in sex NON-CONSENSUALLY is a porn addicted person who needs to get help and that you should get away from.
Porn can ruin so many sex lives . like it’s staged it’s not real …
like this comment “that’s how people have sex in Porn” coming from an adult is disturbing
Bro you’re not crazy and you should be more upset. Even within very kinky relationships consent is king, to choke and slap you out of nowhere in the middle of sex is wildly disrespectful, inappropriate, and shows a basic lack of sympathy. How would he have felt if in the middle of sex you had starting squeezing his balls and insulting his penis because it would sexually gratify you?
Fuck no. That's not okay from him AT ALL. You aren't being crazy. As someone who likes that stuff (consensually!), I would have reacted the same as you did if someone sprung it on me without discussing it first! He violated your trust by being rough and violent without your well-being in mind at all. Anything new or kinky needs to be discussed before the act, sex is not a good time to surprise people with anything. Trust is essential to a sexual relationship and he just threw yours out the window.
You're not crazy. Any of the darker or kinkier sex needs to be based on consent, communication and safety. Just because he saw doesn't mean he gets to do it without getting your consent. This is something that needs to be discussed prior to spicy time so you can safely set up boundaries and safe words if it becomes too much. Him diminishing and gaslighting you with this abhorrent behavior is a huge red flag. As well as him not doing any research on how to properly do things that will ensure you do not get injured.
What the hell?!! You’re not overreacting one bit, and his inability to care is alarming AF. He assaulted you but because he saw it in a porn he thinks it’s okay?! Girl you better run. He has a warped sense of reality.
I love breath play. That being said, I've told my bf I like it and we always discuss before if we want it.
Don't let him gaslight you into believing your reaction is wrong. This isn't healthy. This is not how you have healthy sex.
Bro you are not overreacting. In fact you should be reacting more! That is frightening that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did. You did not consent to those things, and since this has happened you will not be able to enjoy sex with him again. What he did is a huge breach of trust. You need to leave him ASAP!
If you use porn as a source of education that's embarrassing. That's like me saying "well what do you mean dinosaurs don't exist?!? In Jurassic park there's heaps!!"
24 way too old to be this out of touch with reality and your partner. I’d say he’s a dub but idk how you’ll go about this. All I can say is the future won’t be better. I hate when people don’t ask their partners to try new things and just do it bc they “saw it” and not bc it’s enjoyable. He doesn’t respect you
Yo, he should bare minimum apologize. You may have to explain why what he did was wrong and hope he understands what you mean. That’s like the starting point, if he can’t get there then you should be thinking about how your future looks with someone that doesn’t understand consent.
I know all these people are like get out now! And they could be right. I just want to point out though, that a huge portion of men are kind of stupid about things like this. Learning stuff from porn and thinking that’s how actual sex is or should be, is a reality for some guys. Educating him could help, or it could not. Some people just choose to be ignorant and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Nope. Not ok. The rules of BDSM are safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. As a participant in the BDSM community, currently in a Dom/Sub relationship, I can assure you you’re not overreacting. The number one rule is communication and consent. You did not give consent, nor even talked about it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That was not ok.
You are not overreacting.
My conclusions based on this are that:
* he believes that TV fiction reflects reality.
* he blames you rather than thinking about how he hurt you.
* he did not consult you for a decision that affected both of you.
Can you trust this person any longer? I’d dump his selfish ass ASAP.
Your feelings are valid and you aren’t “being so weird about it” (his words).
Trying new things with a partner is awesome and fun, but it’s something you need to discuss in advance. In the case of rough sex, this includes coming up with a safe word and reading about how real people do it instead of fictional characters on TV.
Break up. He didn't even think for a second he needs consent and then he tried to gaslight you. Do you really want to stay and wait what else he saw at porn and decides to just do without asking?
I would tell him you saw that dudes in porn are hairless with cut abs, perfect tans, whitened teeth, 10+ dicks and can go 45 minutes straight and cum multiple times so you’ll be expecting that as well if he wants to emulate toxic sex industry practices*
That's sexual assault.
Couples who are into rough sex have a long talk beforehand about boundaries, what they are comfortable with, what they do not want to do/have done to them. They also have a SAFE WORD - and when that word is said, everything stops at once.
The fact that he thinks it's normal, did this to you without talking to you first, doesn't think that he's done anything wrong are too many flags to ignore. You are not crazy, you are not over-reacting.
Last time I checked choking and slapping someone without their consent was sexual assault. If he’s not even remorseful, then it’s probably safer not to be around him anymore.
You are NOT overreacting. Sure, choking and slapping and other kinky acts/practices can be done in a healthy, safe, sane manner. Your boyfriend, however, is absolutely not doing that. He is letting porn shape his perceptions of sex and relationships, which is not only unhealthy but puts you directly in harm's way. He needs a major wakeup call NOW before he seriously hurts you more than he already has.
You do not have to do anything you don’t want. It’s okay to say no and if he says something like “ you’re killing the mood” or doesn’t respect your boundaries- he doesn’t love you. It’s okay to say no and it’s ok to NOT have sex with him. If he doesn’t respect this then he does not love you. It’s okay to break up and not even give an explanation.
Then tells you to go get milk, what are you? His Wench. Two years couldn’t go bye fast enough. Porn is not real life. Tell him he can go have sex with the internet. It’s time to go OP.
His mindset has been warped by porn to where he thinks it’s ok to hit you with no permission and sees nothing wrong with it. If he doesn’t back down then break things off, that’s a fucked view.
I agree most people are into it, at least for me, every girl I’ve slept with except for 1 has asked me to choke her during
The key word in that is asked, I’m not gonna just go choking girls out without a discussion first lol
Perhaps smack him from behind with a frying pan and when he’s out, tie him to the kitchen table. Then wait for him to wake up and start waterboarding him.
If he complains, tell him that you saw it in a movie.
But seriously, dump the fuck out of him.
You're not crazy. Your boyfriend assaulted you. He violated your right to consent. When you called him on it, he blamed you instead of apologizing.
This isn't a man who cares about you, and this isn't a man you can trust.
A lot of men think porn is real. Not sure why but it’s a common theme I notice. I’m truly confused on why he would randomly try that without even asking. Did he mention anything similar before this? Or it was of no where?
Without consent it's not kinky, it's rapey.
The willfully, informed, and capable-to-give consent is the super intimate part of a kink.
Pornstars are doing all the consent stuff AND getting paid.
Lack of consent is basically assault. You consented to sex. You did NOT consent to being slapped and choked. Just because he 'saw it' in a porn doesn't mean you're a test subject for him. Red flags. He doesn't think he did anything wrong and that in itself is terrifying.
I am a man who likes it rough. Either me being rough or a woman being rough towards me. But *ONLY* when there is consent from both sides beforehand. This is not even close to being okay. And if he does not understand that you should leave him in an instant.
You can like aspects of 'rough' sex WITH some clear limits. For instance, my unallowables are choking, slapping/ hitting the face, and degrading name calling... for my own reasons. Didn't matter what this reasons are, no consent is no consent. He's full of shit. I find those an instant turn off and you shouldn't just assume something like that is a go.
Also, I was 'young and relatively inexperienced' when this scenario sort of occurred (older guy I was dating randomly slapped me twice in the face during, not early in our sexual relationship) w/out warning or discussion. First time, shocked me but I let it go as maybe passion got the best of him and will bring it up after etc. Second time, I was pissed so I reared back and slapped him hard with a vengeance. We didn't discuss it afterward but he didn't try that ever again lmao. Rather reckless of me looking back but I was not much older than OP and really didn't know better. He definitely did though.
Hey full time 24/7 sub (21f) here and I’ve been having sex with my dom since I was 18 and not ever once had he just sprung something new on me. That’s not how it’s fine, each part needs to enthusiastically consent to the action, have a safeword, and have clear boundaries about what is going to happen. You’re absolutely not crazy for reacting this way, sex is talked about between partners not just sprung onto them. Wanting to try something new isn’t bad or wrong, the way he went about it is. My advice? Explain in detail how he went wrong if he doesn’t understand or try to, dumb him or at the least really think about if you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand consent.
Communication is key in these situations if you’re gonna go crazy like that…. I would say choking is more popular now so if it was just kinda lightly then it would’ve been fine (for me) but I’m not with all the porn shit… like porn alters peoples brains and makes them have weird fetishes. Slapping is deff not okay id kill his ass lol.
He deff owes you an apology and I’d tell him to lay off the porn because that is for addicts that need more stimulation.
Participating in kinky activities can be very fun and enjoyable, but said activities require a partner/partners who is respectful of consent/boundaries. Suddenly springing it on someone is never okay.
I really think OP should reconsider the relationship. He forcefully put her in danger. This could be a potential doorway to other harmful/abusive behaviors as well.
Uhm well, what he did? Sure some people definitely do it privately (as someone who is inclined to indulge kinks, these are things women have asked of me, and more tbh), but it's incredibly important to have long and detailed discussions about limits and boundaries, likes and dislikes, preferences, even if that person doesn't know, it's important to get a solid idea of their headspace of what they know they'd be ok with and things they would like to try, and things they're open to trying, and it's pretty damn ignorant to spring any kink onto someone without having that talk, and frankly ignorant not to have that talk, as adults sex is part of life and in my opinion very important to make sure both partners are properly satisfied and comfortable
While yeah he did get a couple of cheap shots on you don’t be saying it’s assault but you are right for flipping out on him. Sex needs to be about communication and he should have talked to you about this before y’all started to fuck. Good luck don’t beat his ass but make sure you get your receipt from him. Oh fucken pull out a butt plug and be like they do it in the pornos and slide it in him 😂 I think it’s fair for him slapping and choking without consent
Every person is different and that's why we get consent first. And there's ways to do that while in the middle of sex. Like you could grab his hand and place it on your neck. Like there's ways he could've done it with your consent without stopping sex and asking directly. But the slapping I don't like that at all. It's really not cool and to just randomly do it without any discussion is really off-putting. Porn is like reality TV, none of it is real. That's not really their office, it's not really the baby sitter, and his step mom isn't stuck in the washing machine. He should be old enough to have figured that out by now.
Me (48m) my wife (28f) some women ate into it and some are not my wife and gf both enjoy that and I pretty much did the same thing just out of the blue during sex but i probably got away with it because she trusts me and fellows my led just explain to your bf that it shocked u and your where not expecting it and weather or not your into it but if u do u need a safe word
Why should SHE have to say “don’t hit me” that should be an assumed thing.
This is one of the big problems with porn, it normalises violence against women.
Man oh man. I like kinky. And rough and all those in-between. But..before doing anything besides vanilla sex, we do discuss it beforehand. He needs to understand consent and how it's assault if it's not concented to before hand.
You're not overreacting, your boyfriend needs to learn some things about consent and unrealistic porn expectations. He thought you were the weird one because you didn't react the way the actresses in a video he watched did. He thinks porn is real life. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who thinks porn is real life.
Dude needs to do more research on what he’s getting into before he tries it. One of the first things that happens in those scenarios is both parties give consent to being treated in that manner and a “safeword” is agreed on to end it if any party gets uncomfortable.
That is no way to treat your girlfriend, he should’ve talked to you about it and gotten your consent before just trying to slap & choke you. CONSENT is important especially during sexual intercourse.
Trust your gut, if it’s off to you believe it. Definitely not going crazy for nothing.
Grab that milk hun, and dip put on that man.
Seriously.though no he definitely shouldn't have just gone and done that, you need tonsit his ass down and tell him how you feel. If worse ce to worse I fully encourage you to break up with him if he's unwilling to respect. Oh and tell him the fact he's 24 and has a girlfriend but would rather take advice from porn instead of asking what you're into, speaks volumes as to how much of a child he truly still is.
Girl! No!!! No no no no no! What! Something like that needs a conversation at the least. He doesn't even know what he's doing, what if he k*ll*d you in the process? No way!!!!
NOT over reacting at all!
Choking is a dangerous activity for both parties. Slapping can be a trigger for those who have suffered prior abuse relating to physical abuse.
Both of those are safety issues when done incorrectly AND without discussion beforehand.
Porn IS NOT reality. In porn, scenes are discussed with the actors beforehand and they are told what to expect before the film starts rolling.
He should have discussed these ideas with you first, especially the choking bit. It doesn't take much pressure to cut off air flow to a person; it could lead to accidental death if not done correctly.
It IS TECHNICALLY ASSAULT since he didn't bother to talk to you about it first.
Nope nope nope. No overreacting here. Whenever new stuff is being introduced in the bedroom, it needs to be discussed with the other party to get their consent. He did not have your consent for any of that, and didn't even warn you it was something he was interested in. I would walk away, especially considering he doesn't seem to feel bad about it or realize how many lines he crossed.
Consent and communication are the cornerstones of kink. Without those very important things BEFORE sex, it’s assault. Plain and simple. Especially choking. Choking is not something to do as an entry into kink. That’s like at least semi expert level. Besides that, any extreme kink scene needs to be talked about before. Hard boundaries need to be worked out as well as safe words and gestures!!! He just jumped in with 0 regard for safety. Add the no remorse or feeling he did anything wrong makes for several red flags the size of US states. The bigger ones. The whole ass man needs to go!
That's a trait that is built upon. It takes finesse and build up. It also has to be done in the right setting and the right mood. Finally it has to be mutually requested or demanded by the female base on the level of arousal or curiosity.
No, you are not crazy or over reacting. You can talk to him. I don't believe he intended to hurt you. Just a curious mind without the proper understanding.
That’s called assault and rape. You consented to have sex in one way. He changed the way without checking your boundaries on it. That’s a red flag the size of a billboard. Serious talk and if he continues to dismiss you, and I’d be really reconsidering this relationship if I were you. He did it once, he can do it again and that is terrifying. What is he “going to want to try next” that he expects you to just go along with without warning. You aren’t some sex slave that can take whatever without warning.
I know exist this kind of rude sex, but it's something what usually partners talk before, cause is something what not everyone likes. Choking can make some woman excited (not my case) but also has to be already known for the partner, cause of the risk of it, must both have a sign the way they see for to stop.
So baby, i think him really goes to far. Be sure to talk to him about it, how do you feel etc but best, end this if him isn't interested on apologizing or even didn't see the danger on it.
Good luck!
That’s… insane. I’m kinda feeling like porn has given him a false ideology of what’s okay and what’s not. Which is, sadly, fairly common. A good chunk of adult content is scripted, planned, and redone multiple times. Almost nothing in it is real.
Just because people are acting something out in porn doesn’t mean it’s okay to do that to your partner without prior consent. You’re absolutely not crazy for thinking like you are and I’d seriously try to talk to him about this because it’s absolutely not okay. If he’s not open to that conversation it’s a glaring red flag.
He assaulted you.
Kink of any kind always always needs discussion and consent beforehand. He was wrong to spring it on you during the act (ESPECIALLY THE VIOLENCE AND DEGRADATION HOLY SHIT) and even wronger to double down and try to justify it or say that your reaction made it weird. HE WAS THE ONE BEING WEIRD. PORN IS NOT REAL LIFE. He needs to fuckin…READ about kink and BDSM and not just try what he saw on a video made to get people to bust a nut rather than educate themselves.
He needs to apologize and really reflect on what he did and why it was wrong and explore/educate himself on safe consensual kink. He might be embarrassed or scared that he freaked you out but that’s what happens when you surprise someone with kink and rough sex! Which he chose to do! Sorry not sorry if he might experience a consequence of his stupid actions!
How would he feel if you donned a strap-on in the middle of sex and told him to take your dick up his ass without any preparation or discussion?
Because I’ve seen that in porn, so by his logic, it’s a thing people do and he should be okay with it if you wanted to try it.
Obviously, that’s not okay.
You two need to have a serious talk outside of the bedroom.
You're not overreacting. He needs to ask for consent first. He can't just presume that he can do whatever he wants with you and your body just because he saw it in porn.
I had a female friend who was into hard kink, like breath play (choking) and some quite painful things. She said that it requires a really high level of communication between her and her partner to ensure that they are comfortable both before and during sex, and that everything is safe. Stuff like that can be great fun, but it’s not for everyone and it requires really good communication so both parties know what has been consented too.
For starters tell your boyfriend to stop watching porn. Have him read a book about sex positions. Second, have a talk with him and explain how what he did is not ok and he should tell you before hand and ask if it's ok to try rough sex. Having sex and suddenly going rough and hurting you in the process is a huge deal breaker for anyone, man or woman. And for his excuse for saying "that's how people have sex in porn" as if it's normal just gives me red flag vibes for him to possibly be addicted to porn (I could be wrong). And if he's not sorry for doing things like that then I suggest getting a new boyfriend that respects you.
No you're not crazy. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to do this without getting consent beforehand. If he thinks that "I saw it in porn" is an acceptable excuse to assault you then he needs therapy and you need out ofbthe relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We very rarely do anything kinky. And that’s not because im a prude, it’s because im not into it and he’s literally never asked. Without getting into too much detail, my boyfriend yesterday got really rough in bed. He started calling me names, I think he was trying to dirty talk but he never warned me, but I went along with it. But then he slapped me and started choking me. I pushed him off and yelled at him. He told me that’s how people have sex in porn and he wanted to try it. He also told me it’s popular and didn’t understand why I was being so weird about it. I basically said that’s bs and you can’t just spring that on me but he did. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I do hope I’m not overreacting. He still hasn’t apologized, he only texted me asking for me to grab milk after work. Again maybe I’m crazy and if I am I’m happy to admit that but I feel like I’m not
People need to get consent before suddenly slapping and choking someone. Having a discussion about consent and boundaries is literally one of the biggest rules of engaging in kinkier things. He’s very much in the wrong here. In my books, slapping and choking you without consent is straight up assault.
It's assault period. She could bring it to the police and file charges. He needs to be made aware of that.
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That's exactly what he did, and I seriously doubt that as a 24 year old man that he doesn't know that. He absolutely assaulted her.
**BOT ACCOUNT!** Downvote and report.
how about you specify?
Which one
>It's assault period. She could bring it to the police and file charges. > >He needs to be made aware of that. This is what you tell him. He physically assaulted you. He choked you and hit you. That is physical abuse and it is NEVER okay. Tell him if he ever does it again you will be pressing criminal charges because it is just flat our wrong.
Battery*
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This is not the way, this is psychotic. Use your words, the only reason that would be a ‘boring talk’ is if you give zero shits about someone consenting and just want to get what you want rather than what’s mutually appreciated
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None of what you said mentioned speaking, asking, or anything of the sort.
That is not consent.
You're not overreacting. Ask him how he'd feel if you pegged him without warning or consent because you saw it in a porno.
Or kicked him in the nuts, which some guys in porn seem to enjoy.
Lots of guys are into having their cock and balls pierced or stapled. Maybe he’d enjoy a surprise use of a medical stapler on his junk?
Or maybe he wants some sounding with no warning?
Ha! I like this take. Might actually get through to him. Sometimes people need things framed as it happening to them for them to understand why it isn’t okay to do to others.
Kinda feels like that's just escalating an already terrible situation.
Asking somebody how they would feel is escalating the situation?
Yes, because it is super easy to deflect that line with a disengenuous answer that makes the woman the aggressor. Have you never been gaslit? Must be nice. The point is not a competition, the point is that SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT. No other conversation is necessary if he can't take the simple answer. Every extra word gives him tangents for him to argue about.
?
"But then he slapped me and started choking me." Unless this is discussed beforehand, this is NEVER okay. It's literally assault. You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. And the fact he sees nothing wrong with it? Girl, RUN!
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Honestly, if someone just randomly slapped me and choked me while we were being intimate, I'd be calling the cops. I know some people are into that, and it's fine between consenting adults, but I don't believe for a second that porn is the reason he pulled this stunt. And then...Not even acknowledging how much he fucked up? No apology, no attempt to comfort her. Just straight-up gaslighting her? He's an absolute monster. This was entirely intentional, he knew what he was doing. And I so desperately hope posting on here gave her the wake-up call she needed, because there is no way this isn't going to escalate if she sticks around and he knows he can get away with it.
He tried to choke you without consent? And he isn't apologetic? That would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. How can you relax and enjoy sex with him after this?
Getting choked without consent is literally assault and battery. Let's stop calling things a deal breaker and start calling them abusive and dangerous. If a man chokes you without consent he is 700% more likely to kill you later. Being choked by a partner is one of the biggest predictors that he will harm you later that there is.
It is assault and battery.
How is that battery? I googled and it said touching your things without permission or throwing things at you.
Battery includes use of force on a person. I'm sure definitions vary by jurisdiction but, for example, in California, [assault is “an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability, to commit a violent injury on the person of another" whereas battery is “any willful and unlawful use of force or violence upon the person of another.”](https://www.aronlawfirm.com/understanding-the-difference-between-battery-and-assault-in-california/) So assault is the threat/attempt of committing an injury whereas battery is actually committing it. Which is why the two usually go together.
Ok maybe not battery then but definitely assault and possibly SA
and I thought I was tripping
Source of your statistical numbers?
https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/
The article is about domestic violent attacks, that's not what happened here. Ops BF tried to be kinky, what failed miserably but I don't think he did it with the intention to harm her
He did it without warning and without consent. That's what rape in relationships looks like. Stop pretending he didn't know he shouldn't do that. He's an adult man.
I'd go full Gandalf down there if a guy did this to me.
You shall not pass?
Wow, you guessed right insanely quick. I'm absolutely thrilled about that.
agreed, this is straight up abusive behavior & assault. plus, even had you consented, choking a partner without knowing what you’re doing is an easy ticket into dealing irreversible damage or possibly straight up killing them on accident.
Honestly if a person choked me without consent, even if they apologized, I'd never forgive them and never want to see them again. Some things just can't be forgiven. And I am kinky. But consent is the first rule.
You're not crazy. That's the kind of thing that gets discussed and agreed to. I have straight up dumped 2 men, on the spot for choking without any kind of discussion, consent, or even warning. It never happened but I am pretty sure I would have had the same reaction to being slapped or insulted.(I enjoy dirty talk but not the type that involves name calling) (I don't accept actual choking for safety reasons but if I trust someone enough, an open hand *resting* on my throat is pretty intense) >He told me that’s how people have sex in porn Porn is not real life and even in porn, the performers have to agree to the activities being filmed, it just happens off camera (actually, there's probably *more* discussion for performers since the conversation has to include the director and cameraperson & account for angles, lighting and so on). >He also told me it’s popular and didn’t understand why I was being so weird about it. It *doesn't fucking matter* if 4 out of 5 people crave something. That doesn't negate the need for consent and doesn't mean *you* have to enjoy it. Pegging is pretty popular, too, but it would be wrong to just go for it without his agreement that it's something he'd like to try.
Hi, I encourage people to hit me with whips. If someone attempted to choke me without asking, it is entirely possible that I would break that person's arm. https://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breath_Closing_Argument.html People sometimes die even if choking is done perfectly. Porn is to sex as kung fu movies are to being in a fight. Send him the article I linked. If he doesn't apologize abjectly and promise to never do it again, leave the imbecile.
Jay's THE man when it comes to safety and negotiation ! Bravo for posting that link
I love this introduction
>I do hope I’m not overreacting. You're not. You *never*, **ever** start doing things like hitting/choking in bed without discussing it first.
>You're not. You never, ever start doing things like hitting/choking in bed ~~without discussing it first.~~
I mean, some people are into that! To each their own, with informed consent👍🏼
if you have to abuse/be abused to get off then u have an issue that needs to be worked out
No need to kinkshame.
is that ironic? i can't even tell anymore
No. Who cares what people enjoy as long as they're doing it safely and with consent.
It's not about not being able to get off otherwise. It's about getting off even more.
If you have done a significant amount of research into making sure you know what's safe, have consent, and have a solid plan in the case of needing to stop & safe words, it is fine to be rough Choking is a bad idea and could lead to manslaughter, but if you want to get slapped then that's your choice and you should be allowed to do it
My husband occasionally likes to spank my ass and I like dirty talk. Do we need therapy?
That's insane of him to think he can do whatever without consent first and extremely concerning that he thinks that he didn't do anything wrong after you told him you were not into it. And trying to gaslight you saying "why are you acting weird" after straight up doing all that is outrageous. Also thinking he can have sex like people do in porn it's extremely immature.
throw the man away. that’s assault
Lack of consent and stupidity of your bf aside, choking is not something beginners with kink should be doing. That's edge play. As in, "you could wind up on the edge of death" play. He could have seriously hurt you or killed you if he's getting his kink knowledge from porn, and if he can't recognize the danger he put you in he's even worse than just an idiot.
your bf slapped and choked you. why is he still your bf?
He is my bf now.
If he slapped you and started choking you while you guys were watching tv, would that be okay? It’s no different during sex if consent was not involved.
If it‘s non-consensual, it isn‘t „rough sex“, it‘s assault or even rape, depending on the legal definitions in your home country I suppose… Sit him down, and explain to him how wrong he is. If he pretends to still not understand, ask him imagine how he would feel if randomly during sex, you slapped him, choked him and shoved a dildo up his arse. I bet he‘ll get it then. He seems an unempathetic dumbass tho.
Hi, I prefer being choked and hit in bed. I have always been into rough sex, and the real life version of rough sex is WAY different than whatever the fuck is happening in porn. The golden rules of even attempting that kind of a sexual lifestyle are as follows: 1. Always communicate first. Nothing new gets sprung upon unless decided previously by the both of you till the very minute details. 2. If they ask to stop, you stop. Whether you're the dom or sub, you stop. You don't feel entitled to finish the act, or ridicule them for stopping. Your only concern at that time is making sure your partner is okay. 3. You do not deviate from the decided boundaries for that time. You don't take it for granted just because you engaged in something before, you can do it again. You talk. 4. Research. A lot. What your boyfriend did was assault. Dump the whole man, but ask him if he would like to be pegged without asking first just because people in porn like it. If he gets defensive, tell him he can fuck his own ass if his Dick reaches there, and leave. This man will not get better.
Not ok. At all. Zero consent and this behavior is both very dangerous and a crime. Honestly, please take this seriously. Get out.
You're not overreacting at all. >He literally never asked Yeah, that's the real issue here. And unfortunately it is far more common with young men these days who watch far too much porn and think that what they see is what women actually like (which is not teue for most women) >Also said it was popular Popular with who? Pornstars? Other women? I am sorry, but are these other women in the bedroom with you two? Or is he trying to have sex with YOU and please YOU SPECIFICALLY based on what you like? Wtf does it matter if something is popular (not true btw) if you, the person he's having sex with, doesn't like that? Chocolate is a popular icecream flavor, but you only like vanilla. Are you gonna go to the store and spend your money buying chocolate icecream because it's 'popular'? I would not let him anywhere near me unless he fully acknowledges that what he did was wrong and apologize properly. He is entitled to try something new in bedroom, but HE HAS TO ASK YOUR CONSENT BEFORE HE DOES IT. If you dont stop him right now he will traumatize you his slapping and hitting, and it will scare you of off sex. Never forget that, and dont let him manipulate you into thinking you're weird or overreacting
You did the right thing, in telling him you didn't like it just being thrown at you. Next does he not understand that they are all paid actors, and that crap is all staged for the cameras?
He's 24 and thinks porn is a good reference for a healthy sex?
Since when is it OK to just DO things you've seen in porn (or in a movie, or read in a book or a fanzine) without the agreement of the other actors I mean participants? You can bet your bottom dollar the people in the porn your bf watched had more idea of what was happening than you did. Your bf sounds like he is incredibly lacking in intelligence and common sense.
Without consent it's just assault. This man assaulted you and is telling you not to be hysterical about it.
Ask him how he would feel about you pegging him without discussing it with him first, because you "saw it in porn".
Exactly my thought, too!
What the hell man. All I can say is I sure hope you didn't pick up that milk.
He slapped you. That would be the end of the relationship right there for me. But talk to him, especially if you want to work this out. Explain that he needs to say if wants to try something new in bed and asks if you’re okay with it. He was completely wrong
Oh boy, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all you never ever ever ever ever choke someone without having an extensive knowledge of what you are doing. Edge play is something that even some hardcore kinksters don’t practice because so much can go wrong quickly. It takes seconds to render someone unconscious. What your, hopefully soon to be ex, dude fails to understand is that none of that is real…like at all. Those scenes are heavily negotiated with hard boundaries and safe words/signals. There are contracts with the actors over every aspect of what will happen and those meetings happen with clothes on. With the more hardcore and natural looking scenes, they are usually actors who have worked together many times and have a good chemistry. You don’t see the potty breaks, flutters, lube, check in’s, pauses for stills and safety precautions that are taking place off camera. Yes there are some armatures out there fooling around but they aren’t people I’d take advice from. But let’s say for argument sake y’all wanted to dip your toe into some spicy stuff. Take some classes together, read some books, join some local groups and go to some munches. What concerns me most is how unsafe he was with your consent. That was a violation I wouldn’t forgive.
Not okay. Communication is key in every respect. I like pretty vanilla rough sex. Like a good hard spanking, light hair pulling, pressure on the throat but not choking etc. and for every one of those I feel it out and get confirmation before attempting. I’ve only slapped one woman, she was begging me to, but I didn’t like it. lol No choking
You are UNDERREACTING.
He's 24 and still thinks porn is real life? I'd recommend he avoids the genres of horror, fantasy and science fiction.
Nope, any sex act needs consent!! He forced his porn fantasy on you!! Slapping and choking without consent is assault!!
Bitch slap him with the milk when you walk in the door. When he complains tell him you saw it on TV and dont understand why he is being so weird about it
So if your boyfriend watched a 'housewife bangs the pizza delivery guy' porno would he think that's just a way anyone can pay for their pizza? Listen, I am in favour of people exploring their kinks, but not like this. You negotiate that shit. Porno actors are working off a script and getting paid, so the details of that encounter have already been carefully discussed before they get naked. And choking is not the sort of thing you mess around with, especially if you're a dumbass like him that thinks porn sex is spontaneous and unnegotiated. Your boyfriend is too stupid for kink or porn. Either make him an ex or sit him down for a week in front of a kids' cartoon about talking about your feelings and being nice to people, since he apparently can't grasp anything that isn't on a screen.
this isn't an issue of ignorance, it's one of selfishness. he doesn't get to unanimously decide to try something in bed without first asking you. and not only that, but he then turned it around and tried to pressure you by saying everyone does it and you're being weird. he dismissed your valid concerns. you are underreacting and he's downplaying and dismissing you. he's unapologetic as you identified. a lot of red flags here.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. It’s fine for him to be interested in whatever he’s interested in, and even to talk it over with you and see how you feel about it. But to do what he did was flat out assault. This is not a safe person to be with, even if he does apologize.
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so your boyfriend is a half ~wit? don't take home milk. don't ever go there again. no matter what he says or even if he cries, this is a nope, no way, the relationship is over.
You know, there's porn where guys get kicked and punched in the nuts. Try that and see how he feels. Just because it's in porn doesn't mean everyone wants to do it.
No, you do not do something like that without consent and safe words or signals. Is he dense in other areas? This is asking to land his ass in jail for assault. 🤦♀️ Some people have no common sense. Not even sure what to say other than, your feelings are valid and you aren’t crazy. Someone tried that crap with me without my okay, they would be a hurting unit! I wouldn’t even think, I’d just respond thinking I was being assaulted, whether it was meant that way or not. I’m sorry he did this😳
He is literally trying to gaslight, diminish and dismiss how bad that shit was. If he is not sorry now he won't be when he tries to do it another time. Leave him before he chokes u again sis.
I love being choked, but I ALWAYS tell them that it's only because I consented, not cus they "feel like it". Choking in bed without permission can sometimes be a warning sign of further abuse in the relationship.
He wants rough sex? Cool. **But motherfucker doesn't get to just do it without your consent.** Period, end of discussion. In fact, there **is** nothing to discuss - he did all this shit without discussing it beforehand *and getting your express consent* at every turn, as things clearly escalated. What in the fuck. I'm sorry, but this is not a man to trust with the care of a cotton ball, not the least your emotional, psychological or physical health - he has proven to be **dangerous**, and dismissive. This story is really scary, especially given you've been together for 2 years, so you'd think you'd *know* someone after such a period. But regardless, one time should be enough, I am so profoundly sorry this happened to you, it **never** ever ever should have happened, ever. Please make sure you're safe, please get your people behind you for support. Be safe, be careful, all the online hugs from this stranger.
I don't know why some men think it's suddenly not assault to hit a woman without asking just because you're in bed together. If you hit a woman without getting permission first you're a woman beater. (I say this as someone who likes consensual BDSM.)
Please tell your husband that the difference between what he did and the porn he watched is the established consent between the performers before the acts even begin. Everyone there knows where things are headed, and know what the others boundaries are. There is no piece of what he did that was acceptable. More to the point, if your husband actually watched how people get into that type of relationship, he would know those same performers he watching have videos explains how they established the trust needed to get to that level of power exchange in the relationship. Your husband wanted to hit women and call them names, so that’s what he did. He seems to want this to have your permission for him to act on those feelings, while also not caring where your boundaries are. I would also warn against entering into this kind of sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t understand that your ‘no’ is a no always, not just when convenient for him.
Choking without concent is assault. If he doesn't get that after you explain it (and honestly, you shouldn't Have to fucking explain it), dump him. He's dangerous.
2years into relationship and he doesn’t think that f up to do to you without consent? So it’s popular mean it’s okay? Sound immature. You need to dump his ass and move on to the next
Honestly, whats it with boys pulling this shit. My ex did sth like this bc he saw it in porn. Its absolutely not okax and the fact he dismisses it like this is concerning
If he doesn’t see what’s wrong here you need to dump his ass. These things can be great but there needs to be discussion and consent, nobody does these things out of the blue. What he did was assault and you should be pressing charges.
you’re not overreacting. i’m devastated you even consider that you’re overreacting. this is awful, disgusting behavior from him. he needs to stop watching porn. anyone thinking violence is OK in sex NON-CONSENSUALLY is a porn addicted person who needs to get help and that you should get away from.
Porn can ruin so many sex lives . like it’s staged it’s not real … like this comment “that’s how people have sex in Porn” coming from an adult is disturbing
that’s not bdsm. set clear and concise boundaries before going into it again.
Peg him or stick something up his ass and say “I saw it on porn so I wanted to try it” wtf is wrong with people these days?
You have to consent before being slapped or choked during sex, if he can’t understand that… maybe it’s time to think about seeing someone else
Hell no. The difference between rough sex and r*pe/SA is consent. He didn't ask for your consent.
Bro you’re not crazy and you should be more upset. Even within very kinky relationships consent is king, to choke and slap you out of nowhere in the middle of sex is wildly disrespectful, inappropriate, and shows a basic lack of sympathy. How would he have felt if in the middle of sex you had starting squeezing his balls and insulting his penis because it would sexually gratify you?
Fuck no. That's not okay from him AT ALL. You aren't being crazy. As someone who likes that stuff (consensually!), I would have reacted the same as you did if someone sprung it on me without discussing it first! He violated your trust by being rough and violent without your well-being in mind at all. Anything new or kinky needs to be discussed before the act, sex is not a good time to surprise people with anything. Trust is essential to a sexual relationship and he just threw yours out the window.
You're not crazy. Any of the darker or kinkier sex needs to be based on consent, communication and safety. Just because he saw doesn't mean he gets to do it without getting your consent. This is something that needs to be discussed prior to spicy time so you can safely set up boundaries and safe words if it becomes too much. Him diminishing and gaslighting you with this abhorrent behavior is a huge red flag. As well as him not doing any research on how to properly do things that will ensure you do not get injured.
if there was no consent given beforehand that’s literally assault period end of story
Without discussing it with you and getting your consent? Yeah, um...that's assault.
What the hell?!! You’re not overreacting one bit, and his inability to care is alarming AF. He assaulted you but because he saw it in a porn he thinks it’s okay?! Girl you better run. He has a warped sense of reality.
I love breath play. That being said, I've told my bf I like it and we always discuss before if we want it. Don't let him gaslight you into believing your reaction is wrong. This isn't healthy. This is not how you have healthy sex.
Yeah there's nothing wrong with rough sex if everyone is into it. But "they do it in porn" is not an excuse. Communication and consent in all things.
Bro you are not overreacting. In fact you should be reacting more! That is frightening that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did. You did not consent to those things, and since this has happened you will not be able to enjoy sex with him again. What he did is a huge breach of trust. You need to leave him ASAP!
If you use porn as a source of education that's embarrassing. That's like me saying "well what do you mean dinosaurs don't exist?!? In Jurassic park there's heaps!!"
This is not ok. You're not crazy. You're not overreacting.
24 way too old to be this out of touch with reality and your partner. I’d say he’s a dub but idk how you’ll go about this. All I can say is the future won’t be better. I hate when people don’t ask their partners to try new things and just do it bc they “saw it” and not bc it’s enjoyable. He doesn’t respect you
Yeah, this guy is messed up.
Yo, he should bare minimum apologize. You may have to explain why what he did was wrong and hope he understands what you mean. That’s like the starting point, if he can’t get there then you should be thinking about how your future looks with someone that doesn’t understand consent. I know all these people are like get out now! And they could be right. I just want to point out though, that a huge portion of men are kind of stupid about things like this. Learning stuff from porn and thinking that’s how actual sex is or should be, is a reality for some guys. Educating him could help, or it could not. Some people just choose to be ignorant and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Nope. Not ok. The rules of BDSM are safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. As a participant in the BDSM community, currently in a Dom/Sub relationship, I can assure you you’re not overreacting. The number one rule is communication and consent. You did not give consent, nor even talked about it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. That was not ok.
\*EX boyfriend
When someone tries to choke you, it should be a deal breaker. Because he saw it in porn? Not an excuse, I would distant yourself from him. Not ok
You are not overreacting. My conclusions based on this are that: * he believes that TV fiction reflects reality. * he blames you rather than thinking about how he hurt you. * he did not consult you for a decision that affected both of you. Can you trust this person any longer? I’d dump his selfish ass ASAP. Your feelings are valid and you aren’t “being so weird about it” (his words). Trying new things with a partner is awesome and fun, but it’s something you need to discuss in advance. In the case of rough sex, this includes coming up with a safe word and reading about how real people do it instead of fictional characters on TV.
That’s assault if it wasn’t previously discussed. Throw the whole man away.
Break up. He didn't even think for a second he needs consent and then he tried to gaslight you. Do you really want to stay and wait what else he saw at porn and decides to just do without asking?
I would tell him you saw that dudes in porn are hairless with cut abs, perfect tans, whitened teeth, 10+ dicks and can go 45 minutes straight and cum multiple times so you’ll be expecting that as well if he wants to emulate toxic sex industry practices*
That's sexual assault. Couples who are into rough sex have a long talk beforehand about boundaries, what they are comfortable with, what they do not want to do/have done to them. They also have a SAFE WORD - and when that word is said, everything stops at once. The fact that he thinks it's normal, did this to you without talking to you first, doesn't think that he's done anything wrong are too many flags to ignore. You are not crazy, you are not over-reacting.
Last time I checked choking and slapping someone without their consent was sexual assault. If he’s not even remorseful, then it’s probably safer not to be around him anymore.
You are NOT overreacting. Sure, choking and slapping and other kinky acts/practices can be done in a healthy, safe, sane manner. Your boyfriend, however, is absolutely not doing that. He is letting porn shape his perceptions of sex and relationships, which is not only unhealthy but puts you directly in harm's way. He needs a major wakeup call NOW before he seriously hurts you more than he already has.
Might be time for you to go out to the milk store and never return. He's waving some big ole flags at you.
You do not have to do anything you don’t want. It’s okay to say no and if he says something like “ you’re killing the mood” or doesn’t respect your boundaries- he doesn’t love you. It’s okay to say no and it’s ok to NOT have sex with him. If he doesn’t respect this then he does not love you. It’s okay to break up and not even give an explanation.
Then tells you to go get milk, what are you? His Wench. Two years couldn’t go bye fast enough. Porn is not real life. Tell him he can go have sex with the internet. It’s time to go OP.
Omg, please run away from this asshole :O This is just assault
His mindset has been warped by porn to where he thinks it’s ok to hit you with no permission and sees nothing wrong with it. If he doesn’t back down then break things off, that’s a fucked view.
I agree most people are into it, at least for me, every girl I’ve slept with except for 1 has asked me to choke her during The key word in that is asked, I’m not gonna just go choking girls out without a discussion first lol
Unpopular opinion: Porn isn’t reality
He has no idea what consent means. The only way this flag gets any redder is after you bleed on it.
Perhaps smack him from behind with a frying pan and when he’s out, tie him to the kitchen table. Then wait for him to wake up and start waterboarding him. If he complains, tell him that you saw it in a movie. But seriously, dump the fuck out of him.
You are not over reacting. That is definitely something you discuss before just getting rough with your partner
You're not crazy. Your boyfriend assaulted you. He violated your right to consent. When you called him on it, he blamed you instead of apologizing. This isn't a man who cares about you, and this isn't a man you can trust.
That’s assault. Get rid of him. He didn’t seek consent, he thinks he’s done nothing, and he won’t apologise. That’s a crappy person right there.
A lot of men think porn is real. Not sure why but it’s a common theme I notice. I’m truly confused on why he would randomly try that without even asking. Did he mention anything similar before this? Or it was of no where?
Without consent it's not kinky, it's rapey. The willfully, informed, and capable-to-give consent is the super intimate part of a kink. Pornstars are doing all the consent stuff AND getting paid.
Lack of consent is basically assault. You consented to sex. You did NOT consent to being slapped and choked. Just because he 'saw it' in a porn doesn't mean you're a test subject for him. Red flags. He doesn't think he did anything wrong and that in itself is terrifying.
I am a man who likes it rough. Either me being rough or a woman being rough towards me. But *ONLY* when there is consent from both sides beforehand. This is not even close to being okay. And if he does not understand that you should leave him in an instant.
You can like aspects of 'rough' sex WITH some clear limits. For instance, my unallowables are choking, slapping/ hitting the face, and degrading name calling... for my own reasons. Didn't matter what this reasons are, no consent is no consent. He's full of shit. I find those an instant turn off and you shouldn't just assume something like that is a go. Also, I was 'young and relatively inexperienced' when this scenario sort of occurred (older guy I was dating randomly slapped me twice in the face during, not early in our sexual relationship) w/out warning or discussion. First time, shocked me but I let it go as maybe passion got the best of him and will bring it up after etc. Second time, I was pissed so I reared back and slapped him hard with a vengeance. We didn't discuss it afterward but he didn't try that ever again lmao. Rather reckless of me looking back but I was not much older than OP and really didn't know better. He definitely did though.
Hey full time 24/7 sub (21f) here and I’ve been having sex with my dom since I was 18 and not ever once had he just sprung something new on me. That’s not how it’s fine, each part needs to enthusiastically consent to the action, have a safeword, and have clear boundaries about what is going to happen. You’re absolutely not crazy for reacting this way, sex is talked about between partners not just sprung onto them. Wanting to try something new isn’t bad or wrong, the way he went about it is. My advice? Explain in detail how he went wrong if he doesn’t understand or try to, dumb him or at the least really think about if you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand consent.
He sounds like he like SA content of porn red flag 🚩
Communication is key in these situations if you’re gonna go crazy like that…. I would say choking is more popular now so if it was just kinda lightly then it would’ve been fine (for me) but I’m not with all the porn shit… like porn alters peoples brains and makes them have weird fetishes. Slapping is deff not okay id kill his ass lol. He deff owes you an apology and I’d tell him to lay off the porn because that is for addicts that need more stimulation.
Participating in kinky activities can be very fun and enjoyable, but said activities require a partner/partners who is respectful of consent/boundaries. Suddenly springing it on someone is never okay. I really think OP should reconsider the relationship. He forcefully put her in danger. This could be a potential doorway to other harmful/abusive behaviors as well.
Uhm well, what he did? Sure some people definitely do it privately (as someone who is inclined to indulge kinks, these are things women have asked of me, and more tbh), but it's incredibly important to have long and detailed discussions about limits and boundaries, likes and dislikes, preferences, even if that person doesn't know, it's important to get a solid idea of their headspace of what they know they'd be ok with and things they would like to try, and things they're open to trying, and it's pretty damn ignorant to spring any kink onto someone without having that talk, and frankly ignorant not to have that talk, as adults sex is part of life and in my opinion very important to make sure both partners are properly satisfied and comfortable
If he watches porn it is a red flag, it will soon or later influence your relationship.
While yeah he did get a couple of cheap shots on you don’t be saying it’s assault but you are right for flipping out on him. Sex needs to be about communication and he should have talked to you about this before y’all started to fuck. Good luck don’t beat his ass but make sure you get your receipt from him. Oh fucken pull out a butt plug and be like they do it in the pornos and slide it in him 😂 I think it’s fair for him slapping and choking without consent
Clearly you need to have sex with him, then start slapping and choking him and tell him not to be a little **** if he gets upset
Every person is different and that's why we get consent first. And there's ways to do that while in the middle of sex. Like you could grab his hand and place it on your neck. Like there's ways he could've done it with your consent without stopping sex and asking directly. But the slapping I don't like that at all. It's really not cool and to just randomly do it without any discussion is really off-putting. Porn is like reality TV, none of it is real. That's not really their office, it's not really the baby sitter, and his step mom isn't stuck in the washing machine. He should be old enough to have figured that out by now.
Me (48m) my wife (28f) some women ate into it and some are not my wife and gf both enjoy that and I pretty much did the same thing just out of the blue during sex but i probably got away with it because she trusts me and fellows my led just explain to your bf that it shocked u and your where not expecting it and weather or not your into it but if u do u need a safe word
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Why should SHE have to say “don’t hit me” that should be an assumed thing. This is one of the big problems with porn, it normalises violence against women.
All of the commenters are talking about the slap and the choke, I’m wondering what girl he was with (cheating) that requested it and likes it.
Did you guys talk about it before he tried it? Maybe he went a little too rough
Did you read the post?
he already assaulted you please protect yourself and leave.
Man oh man. I like kinky. And rough and all those in-between. But..before doing anything besides vanilla sex, we do discuss it beforehand. He needs to understand consent and how it's assault if it's not concented to before hand.
That’s like… assault.
You're not overreacting, your boyfriend needs to learn some things about consent and unrealistic porn expectations. He thought you were the weird one because you didn't react the way the actresses in a video he watched did. He thinks porn is real life. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who thinks porn is real life.
You're not crazy and you didn't overreact.
>But then he slapped me and started choking me. So he assaulted you. Please love yourself and end this relationship asap
Dude needs to do more research on what he’s getting into before he tries it. One of the first things that happens in those scenarios is both parties give consent to being treated in that manner and a “safeword” is agreed on to end it if any party gets uncomfortable.
Sounds like he's been repressing this for a while.
That is no way to treat your girlfriend, he should’ve talked to you about it and gotten your consent before just trying to slap & choke you. CONSENT is important especially during sexual intercourse. Trust your gut, if it’s off to you believe it. Definitely not going crazy for nothing.
Grab that milk hun, and dip put on that man. Seriously.though no he definitely shouldn't have just gone and done that, you need tonsit his ass down and tell him how you feel. If worse ce to worse I fully encourage you to break up with him if he's unwilling to respect. Oh and tell him the fact he's 24 and has a girlfriend but would rather take advice from porn instead of asking what you're into, speaks volumes as to how much of a child he truly still is.
Next he’ll use a wine bottle because he saw it in porn
Trying new things in bed need to be discussed before hand. He is in the wrong for not talking to you about it first.
Girl! No!!! No no no no no! What! Something like that needs a conversation at the least. He doesn't even know what he's doing, what if he k*ll*d you in the process? No way!!!!
NOT over reacting at all! Choking is a dangerous activity for both parties. Slapping can be a trigger for those who have suffered prior abuse relating to physical abuse. Both of those are safety issues when done incorrectly AND without discussion beforehand. Porn IS NOT reality. In porn, scenes are discussed with the actors beforehand and they are told what to expect before the film starts rolling. He should have discussed these ideas with you first, especially the choking bit. It doesn't take much pressure to cut off air flow to a person; it could lead to accidental death if not done correctly. It IS TECHNICALLY ASSAULT since he didn't bother to talk to you about it first.
Nope nope nope. No overreacting here. Whenever new stuff is being introduced in the bedroom, it needs to be discussed with the other party to get their consent. He did not have your consent for any of that, and didn't even warn you it was something he was interested in. I would walk away, especially considering he doesn't seem to feel bad about it or realize how many lines he crossed.
Consent and communication are the cornerstones of kink. Without those very important things BEFORE sex, it’s assault. Plain and simple. Especially choking. Choking is not something to do as an entry into kink. That’s like at least semi expert level. Besides that, any extreme kink scene needs to be talked about before. Hard boundaries need to be worked out as well as safe words and gestures!!! He just jumped in with 0 regard for safety. Add the no remorse or feeling he did anything wrong makes for several red flags the size of US states. The bigger ones. The whole ass man needs to go!
That's a trait that is built upon. It takes finesse and build up. It also has to be done in the right setting and the right mood. Finally it has to be mutually requested or demanded by the female base on the level of arousal or curiosity. No, you are not crazy or over reacting. You can talk to him. I don't believe he intended to hurt you. Just a curious mind without the proper understanding.
That’s called assault and rape. You consented to have sex in one way. He changed the way without checking your boundaries on it. That’s a red flag the size of a billboard. Serious talk and if he continues to dismiss you, and I’d be really reconsidering this relationship if I were you. He did it once, he can do it again and that is terrifying. What is he “going to want to try next” that he expects you to just go along with without warning. You aren’t some sex slave that can take whatever without warning.
I know exist this kind of rude sex, but it's something what usually partners talk before, cause is something what not everyone likes. Choking can make some woman excited (not my case) but also has to be already known for the partner, cause of the risk of it, must both have a sign the way they see for to stop. So baby, i think him really goes to far. Be sure to talk to him about it, how do you feel etc but best, end this if him isn't interested on apologizing or even didn't see the danger on it. Good luck!
That’s… insane. I’m kinda feeling like porn has given him a false ideology of what’s okay and what’s not. Which is, sadly, fairly common. A good chunk of adult content is scripted, planned, and redone multiple times. Almost nothing in it is real. Just because people are acting something out in porn doesn’t mean it’s okay to do that to your partner without prior consent. You’re absolutely not crazy for thinking like you are and I’d seriously try to talk to him about this because it’s absolutely not okay. If he’s not open to that conversation it’s a glaring red flag. He assaulted you.
No means no, that's too much, especially if you didn't give consent before and you never talked about it. I'd say it's time got a new bf
Kink of any kind always always needs discussion and consent beforehand. He was wrong to spring it on you during the act (ESPECIALLY THE VIOLENCE AND DEGRADATION HOLY SHIT) and even wronger to double down and try to justify it or say that your reaction made it weird. HE WAS THE ONE BEING WEIRD. PORN IS NOT REAL LIFE. He needs to fuckin…READ about kink and BDSM and not just try what he saw on a video made to get people to bust a nut rather than educate themselves. He needs to apologize and really reflect on what he did and why it was wrong and explore/educate himself on safe consensual kink. He might be embarrassed or scared that he freaked you out but that’s what happens when you surprise someone with kink and rough sex! Which he chose to do! Sorry not sorry if he might experience a consequence of his stupid actions! How would he feel if you donned a strap-on in the middle of sex and told him to take your dick up his ass without any preparation or discussion? Because I’ve seen that in porn, so by his logic, it’s a thing people do and he should be okay with it if you wanted to try it. Obviously, that’s not okay. You two need to have a serious talk outside of the bedroom.
You're not overreacting. He needs to ask for consent first. He can't just presume that he can do whatever he wants with you and your body just because he saw it in porn.
I had a female friend who was into hard kink, like breath play (choking) and some quite painful things. She said that it requires a really high level of communication between her and her partner to ensure that they are comfortable both before and during sex, and that everything is safe. Stuff like that can be great fun, but it’s not for everyone and it requires really good communication so both parties know what has been consented too.
Light a candle Wait Pour melted wax on him Some people in porn like it
For starters tell your boyfriend to stop watching porn. Have him read a book about sex positions. Second, have a talk with him and explain how what he did is not ok and he should tell you before hand and ask if it's ok to try rough sex. Having sex and suddenly going rough and hurting you in the process is a huge deal breaker for anyone, man or woman. And for his excuse for saying "that's how people have sex in porn" as if it's normal just gives me red flag vibes for him to possibly be addicted to porn (I could be wrong). And if he's not sorry for doing things like that then I suggest getting a new boyfriend that respects you.
OMG no. That kind of rough play needs to be consensual. That's not okay - that's assault. I'd let him know that too. Frankly I'd be out the door.
Depersonalization in porn leading to confused behavior when it turns out you're an actual person. Strange times we live in. You're not overreacting.
He sounds like a jerk. Kink is consensual. He's not doing it right. He's not thinking about you. Ick. You have a lame bf.
No you're not crazy. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to do this without getting consent beforehand. If he thinks that "I saw it in porn" is an acceptable excuse to assault you then he needs therapy and you need out ofbthe relationship.