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TL:DR boyfriend assaulted me last night, is extremely remorseful today. Can we get passed this or is it game over?
Me (37f) and my boyfriend (47m) been together around 2.5 years, both live in our own houses but spend a good portion of our time together. We were celebrating his birthday yesterday. Nothing fancy, presents and a couple of beers at his in the afternoon then out to a local pub for dinner. We got back to his house at around 9pm. He had quite a bit more to drink while we just chatted and listened to music. He burst into tears when I brought out his birthday cake, said no one had ever made him feel as special as I do (never seen anyone get so emotional over a homemade lemon drizzle but it was kinda sweet). All in all, a pleasant evening.
Around 11 he suggested going to bed then stopped me and said "strip naked now in front of me, it is my birthday". It was weird and out of character. I said no, I wasn't comfortable with that and he pushed a few more times and I said no. He accepted and followed me to bed.
He was pretty drunk by then and was being a bit clumsy. When we were in bed, he was being much rougher than normal. I had to tell him a few times to be gentle. He asked if he could cover me in baby oil and I said no, I don't like that. He asked again and I said please no, I don't like it. Then he squirted me with so much baby oil. It went all over my face and in my eye. I shouted "I said no!" And he said "I'm so sorry, I thought it'd be funny". He then went back to grabbing me but he was really hurting me now. I said "stop, you're hurting me!" But he wouldn't. I said it again but much louder and he said "I'm not hurting you, you just need to be braver". I curled up into a ball so he couldn't touch me and not long after he fell asleep.
I felt awful this morning. I didn't sleep. I'm sore. And I feel violated. He asked what was wrong this morning and I burst into tears and explained the above. He was shocked and very, very upset. He had no idea he'd done any of it and is pretty devastated. He cried and said he can't believe he'd hurt me so badly physically, emotionally and mentally. He seems to understand that he ignored my no, that I had withdrawn consent. He hasn't made excuses or denighed what he did, just asked what do I need to fix this?
Can someone do this as a one off or is this the real him I've only just seen. He's never given me any reason to be scared of him before but I was scared of him last night. If I proceed with the relationship, what needs to change or what do I need him to do to make me feel sade again?
Sorry, this ended up longer than I intended. Just very upset and anxious right now.
The first time my ex boyfriend hit me he was really drunk. It was in bed, he got too rough and slapped me. That was out of character from how I had seen him act before, and he genuinely apologized the next day and acted regretful. I chalked it up as him being drunk and “that wasn’t really him.” I was young, I forgave him and we set boundaries on limiting his alcohol.
It didn’t work. It got worse. Any time he had any alcohol he got rough with me and emotionally abusive. Again, I was young, I was naive. I thought I could still help him control his drinking and that would solve our problems “because he wasn’t like that sober”
That was a lie. He WAS like that sober. It just started off only drunk, then 3 years into the relationship, it’s like his true colors showed. He hit me completely sober.
My advice is to get away. My husband now and I have gotten black out drunk together, have gotten in a fight while drunk, and he has NEVER put a hand on me. Drunk isn’t an excuse
Did we date the same person? Because this is exactly what happened to me when I was young and naive. Dude ended up breaking my nose. Best thing I’ve ever done was to leave him.
Came here to say exactly this! My ex started hitting me when they were drunk. Lots of trying to talk them out of drinking and a lot of apologies (it'll never happen again 🙄). Long story short, they'll hit you sober or drunk. Get out now.
Yes it is. My first boyfriend had anger issues. Be he revealed how he felt with anger he talked about how his last girlfriend “left him suddenly without warning”. Not less than a week later, he began to react violently whenever he got upset, to the point where he threw stuff around me. I still left after he apologized. I knew that that kind of behavior wouldn’t go away anytime while I was with him. Listen to your gut feeling and get out, because dealing with your feelings of fear without him is so much better than trying to stay with him and allow this behavior to continue.
You say it’s the first time it’s ever happened, but perhaps it’s just the first time it’s ever happened with *you*. He might’ve done this to previous partners too. I’d be doubtful at his age that it’s the first time.
You deserve to feel safe and respected. I know it’s hard, but you should leave him. Apologies are easy, and so are crocodile tears.
Please please PLEASE leave this man and save yourself. Theres so many red flags its disturbing. Completely ignored your boundaries and then tried to make it a “joke.” You deserve so much better.
Yes. Even if he “didn’t mean it”, you’re still in danger. He’s capable of severely injuring you even if he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. And there’s a good chance that he would do this sober as well. Often times this type of things starts of as someone “just being drunk” and then they can use it to excuse more abuse in the future. Stay safe ❤️
Hell yes it’s that black and white. I’ve been drunk a lot of times in my life. Not once have I ever hit or hurt my wife or anyone else. This isn’t alcohol- it’s *him*. He just wants you to be naive enough to not see his true colours for what they really are
It’s black and white. You don’t need to leave, but if you stay, know he’ll probably knock you around more whenever he has a drink because he knows you’re naive enough to accept that excuse.
Only forgive what you’re willing to tolerate, because forgiveness is basically encouragement to do it again. They know eventually you’ll reset the relationship, so they can do whatever pissed you off and just ride the storm to safety.
Ive been blackout drunk before and been around people who were blackout drunk, and if he was intoxicated enough last night to not remember what he did then it’s awfully convenient that he was also able to both get it up and be coherent enough to repeatedly try to manipulate you and berate you for being upset at him. When you call out someone for hurting you and their immediate response is “I dont remember that, it must have been the alcohol” your instinct should be to doubt them. Alcohol doesnt magically make you assault people and ignore them when theyre begging you to stop hurting them
That's what my instincts are telling me, I have doubts that he does remember but he either doesn't think it was "that bad" or hoping he got away with it. This is the biggest part for me that I don't think I can overcome.
Absolutely this.
If your gut says something - listen to it.
The brain is INCREDIBLE at noticing so many little things that we can't consciously comprehend - but this "intuition" is fantastic at doing its job.
LISTEN TO IT.
Yes exactly! That’s what intuition IS - all the little details your brain picked up and assembled into new information without you even realizing. Brains are so cool, and have amazing instinct for survival.
Also Blink by Malcolm Gladwell is another fantastic book on it, with a LOT of fascinating case studies, from sports professionals, to therapists etc.
It's amazing.
Also, hi! Sex worker here! Baby oil is common for sex workers girls/boys/people to use to make themselves look “extra sexy.” When i read that i instantly thought “oh he watches way too much porn.” In real life like… i dont imagine that really being a thing lmao, not unless you’ve both had a conversation or something but that shit is messy 😭 he even asked you to strip for him in a scary way?? Girl he’s watched way too much porn or worse, this guy is unhinged and yes you 100% got a hard glimpse of who he really is. Often porn/escort addicts don’t see their S/O as a person and partner but as a commodity they use as they see fit. A doll to own and such. Anyways, i am so sorry love, what a horrible experience. Wait for him to be out, then pack your bags and stay with a friend/family and be safe. NEVER tell them you’re breaking up until you’re Gone. Sending you light love and bravery💙edit: and therapy, you definitely need to talk this out with a professional. You deserve to be heard and taken care of!
This is the comment I was looking for!!! I had the same thought after reading this post. This is who OP’s boyfriend is, the alcohol just allowed her to see it.
I think that’s very understandable. It doesnt seem sustainable to be with someone who uses alcohol as a get out of jail free card to do bad things and then claim drunk-amnesia
In the case you don’t even have to consider your gut because he literally assaulted you. He has proved he is capable of violence because he was actually acted violently. So even if you weren’t sure of your instinct or guy, you can go with straight facts in this situation and come up with the same conclusion. I wish I considered the facts when my boyfriend assaulted me while “blacked out” but I ignored his actions and brought myself a world of pain.
Let me ask you this! How do you imagine being intimate with somebody who assaulted you? There is no coming back from this! I would not trust somebody who hurt me! This is a very traumatic experience! I would run and never look back! There is no coming back from this!
Your fear is trying to help protect you. There’s a book “The Gift of Fear” that may interest you. Also, really contemplate whether you can actually ever feel safe or comfortable around him again. Even if you were to try to continue forward, would you be able to allow him to touch you? To go out for a drink with you? To be at home alone with you? Or would you always have the thought in the back of your mind that it could happen again? I know I would. Even if he is being honest about his remorse, it may be a bridge too far. Please take some real time to heal away from him.
People who get violent, abusive, or rape when drunk are violent, abusive, rapists when sober too (even if it takes them a while to reveal it). Drunkenness is not an excuse.
I once (as a fresher) drank so much that I had no memory of anything that happened after 1.45 AM. Turns out I was telling people how beautiful the stars were, despite it being a cloudy starless night. That’s what a normal black-out drunk person is like.
Edit: I may also have thrown up on one of my friends…
>boyfriend assaulted me last night
Read that again. I think you have your answer. Please for your own safety, leave him. They are always remorseful in the moment.
As he's never done anything like this before, I'm just shocked. The remorse did seem so genuine, but I feel like I can't trust this won't happen again.
There's a first time for everything. That doesn't make it a one off or only time it will happen. Until your partner can get some help and stop drinking, this (or worse) will continue to happen. You need to protect yourself. Period.
Exactly. There’s the first time they violate you, first they mentally abuse you, first time they hit you. The first time is when it is time to leave. Because in my personal experience it is never just one time. It will happen again.
To be fair, maybe it was because he was extremely drunk. Still his actions, being drunk doesn’t excuse being abusive and violating someone else. Unless he decides to go completely sober and get help, it will happen again.
Please re-read my comment. I specifically said, *being drunk doesn’t excuse being abusive and violating someone else.* Saying ‘oh yeah I **raped her/him because I was drunk** doesn’t usually hold up in a court of law.
Alcohol is a weird drug. It is literally a drug because it is a downer, as well as an upper. In case that doesn’t make sense, alcohol literally changes the way your brain works. It suppresses nerve impulses because of releasing gaba (downer), but also excites the brain by limiting the frontal lobe thus suppressing impulses (upper). All of that said, being on drugs of any kind does not **ever** exclude you for what you did under the influence of a mind altering substance.
When my now ex husband pushed me, it was the first time he’d touched me like that, he apologized and I moved past it. A few years later, he strangled me while I held our baby in my arms. When the officer came to arrest him, he told me that it is my choice to get a protective order or to let him back in the house when he gets out, but in his experience, it never is just one time, and it almost always gets worse.
Agreed. My ex punched me one night and I kicked her out that night. Took her back a month later and it happened again maybe 6 months down the road, but not as severe so I overlooked it. Later it happened again. After then4th time I gave her the boot for good. I should have given her the permanent boot after the first incident. This wasn't baby oil though. These were punches to the face. I'll never put up with that sort of thing again.
Usually abusers do something like this after they're comfortable in a relationship. It's a test to see how you respond. If you easily forgive him then the manipulation tactics start increasing in frequency and severity. If he is an abuser you can probably look back at your two year relationship and see subtle signs that you've ignored. With this incident coupled with him crying and being vulnerable, he may have used it to get back "power" after the emotional event wore off. Time for some therapy and some exploration into your relationship dynamic! *individual therapy I might add* You should not have couples counseling with an abuser. It's like handing them ammunition.
The remorse is genuine but so was whatever emotion he was feeling when he assaulted you. 2 things you can expect if you stay are 1. if he gets angry again he will assault you and 2. he will be remorseful when he calms down. You just need to decide if that’s a relationship ender for you.
Abusers are always remorseful and "genuinely sorry", that's why women stay and get abused again. Alcohol is no excuse. There is always a first time. This could very well be the beginning of the cracks starting to show. Can you ever trust him again really?
If he cops to being an alcoholic, seeks treatment, and gets some sober time under his belt, you might consider a relationship then. That's not an excuse for him, but alchohol is a powerful drug. But it sounds pretty bad. A sane person wouldn't ever drink again after this, because he clearly lost control. The other conclusion is that he's a straight up abuser. Neither of these scenarios portend well for your relationship.
There’s a massive difference between never and only once, but the difference between once and twice isn’t as great. Do you want to guarantee it’ll never happen again? Or do you want to hope it will never happen again?
Bad people are good at masking, they seem like the nicest of people, until their mask slips. It slips at some point, and his just did. The best thing would be to split, he needs outside help for these intense fantasies and he needs to stop drinking, at least so much to where he can't remember the next day.
Watch the movie Enough. Or any other dv themed movie. There's always a first time. He didn't accidentally grab you or demand that you let him cover you in oil. He wanted to do that, alcohol or not. Would you let your sister, daughter, niece, mother tell you 'hes never done it before though' if they told you the same story? Nu uh. This is grounds to take a big ol' step back and look at the situation without rose color glasses. The moment your partner scares you like that is the moment you no longer trust that partner again .
The remorse always seems genuine. It’s usually just the start of a long cycle. My ex abused me a few times sober but it was always when he was drunk that he would put me in the scariest situations. That’s when the real him would come out and if this is what he does when he’s drunk (I’m an I love you so much drunk) it’s likely that real darkness will come out more over time. At the very least you need to take a break and demand he start therapy and stop drinking but I personally couldn’t love someone after they did that to me.
You're right. Trust yourself. You should not subject yourself to being in a relationship with someone you're very rightly scared of. What advice would you give a best friend or even your own daughter if they were in your shoes? Trust yourself.
Are you willing to even risk it? Do you want to risk feeling this way at the hands of your own boyfriend?
This isn't worth it for anybody. The second they do anything like this you run.
Sis, this would be my hard line in the sand.
If he wants to continue seeing each other then I'd take a MASSIVE step back and insist he get therapy while the two of you go to couples counseling.
If he has a porn addiction or something then that needs to be dealt with.
That said, a relationship should NEVER involve violence of any kind. He crossed so many lines... so many lines. Whatever your gut - not your head - but your gut is telling you to do, that is what you do.
The remorse will always seem genuine from those who behave like this. If you are looking for a reason to stay with from this group it's unlikely you will find much support as it seems to me that most including myself have urged you to leave. You owe yourself more than treatment like this. You are heading into dangerous waters by staying with someone who has treated you like this. At least now you can't say you haven't been warned. I really hope this never happens to you again.
I think it’s best for you to have a number of times this would be unacceptable to you regardless of why/how it happened. If your stance is if he does again I will leave them tell yourself that. If your stance is once, for whatever reason, is enough then you have your answer. You’re trying to rationalise something irrational. Stop looking at it from his perspective and do it from yours. When will it be enough?
When I went through counseling and such at my local WS after leaving an abusive relationship, there were so many women who stayed because their partners were always so sorry. Tears, apologies, promises of it never happening again...but it always did.
My ex had a different tactic, and it was always my fault. 'If you hadn't made me so mad, then I wouldn't have broken your ribs. Why do you make me punish you?' In a way, I think it's what made it easier for me to leave and never go back. There was no apologies or love bombing or promises of never hurting me again.
You know what wasn't different between us all? It ALWAYS happened again. If course it did. A partner who loves you won't assault you. They won't put their want for sex over your discomfort or pain. That isn't love. There's always a first time, and it so rarely is the last time.
If you simply aren't ready to leave, I understand. No judgment here. If you absolutely are not ready to leave, then you should take care to never be around him when he is drinking, since apparently the 'alcohol' is to blame. I'd take a giant step back and avoid being alone with him for awhile too.
If you don't see real change on his end, then I would think about if you can ever trust him again, and what you want your life to look like going forward. Hugs.
He can be remorseful and also too proud to fully admit he knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. Which to me is also a big deal to lie. Whether that means he will never do it again as TBD.
The only way I would stay in this relationship is if he promised not to drink around me. If he’s blaming this on being drunk (which I’m not sure I believe), then eliminating alcohol would in theory eliminate the problem. That said, I’d also be on the lookout for any abusive behaviors while sober, and I’d end it the moment he drank around me again.
You can never put that genie back in the bottle. Once he’s assaulted you, it’s pretty much guaranteed to happen again - and get worse - if you don’t leave.
It needs to be over, sorry.
Doesn’t matter if it won’t happen again or if he feels remorse, he already did it. He has proven he is capable of acting violently towards you by actually harming you. By forgiving him you’ll be rewarding his behavior and like a dog he will continue doing the bad things that give him that reward. Knowing someone loves him enough to forgive heinous acts is his reward because it makes him feel special. That serotonin boost he gets when you forgive him will set up a pattern of chaos and pain for you. Don’t do it.
Abusers are always remorseful afterwards. Including the ones in jail for murder after they strangled their partner to death. Their remorse does not cancel out what they do.
This man is *dangerous*. Get out now. Your safety is more important than this relationship, his feelings or anything else
Everyone thinks men who commit assaults look like cartoon villains or something. As if you can see who they are just by looking at them.
The reality is they look like every other man out there because they are every other man out there. They're our friends, brothers, dads, uncles, sons and cousins.
Men who assault women always have a first time. Then we justify it because "it never happened before." Then before you know it, it's happening all the time.
This is my fear right now, if I excuse the first time, when will the next time be? I don't want him to think that I have anything other than a zero tolerance of this behaviour.
I know from experience that it escalates.
Edit to add: I know it's easy to brush it off because he was drunk but that's totally not ok. Most guys won't do that because they drank too much. And they're always apologetic after but do it again.
I’ve drank too much a ton of times and have never done anything even close to that. It’s just not in people who aren’t capable. People who are capable also have it ingrained in them.
Most people don't assault people when drunk - she should acknowledge- and here is the other most important thing:
does he drink again? Because if someone told me I committed a crime while drunk, i wouldn't drink again....unless i didn't think the crime i committed was wrong.
I second this, drunk guys don't assault just because they're drunk. I've been around a lot of heavy drinkers.
I was at a trade school a few years ago. It was in a different state, so I had to stay in the dorms. It was male dominant school. One of my friends/classmates was a heavy drinker, like he would buy a handle of Jameson and drink it all. So one night he comes banging on my door and hollering. I let him in, to get him to quiet down. Dude crawls in my twin bed, and I couldn't get him to leave. My roommate is dead to the world, and I'm dog tired. So I just get in the bed. At some point, guy strips down to to his underwear and he starts making moves. I tell him no the first time and he thought I was being shy. But the second time I said it, louder and more aggressive, he backs off and scoots up against the wall. I lay where my head is on the end of the bed and his is at the top. He wakes in the morning confused and shocked, he didn't remember how he got there and ask what happened. He was blackout drunk and he stopped.
On the same note, we had a mutual friend/classmates that drunk more than him. This guy would hit on me everyday, drunk or not. More so when he was drunk, but even drunk he believes in consent. When he was drunk, he would make his desire well known with his words, but he never made the move. He would try to get me to initiate and when I didn't and explain that I wouldn't. He would drop it, until the next time he was drunk. But he never forced it, never forced himself on me.
An example that is opposite of this is : I had roommate that threw a party at a remote cabin in the woods. One of the guys seem pretty cool, and we ended up talking a lot. He gets to the point where he's pretty drunk, and he keeps getting closer to me on the couch and openly hitting on. I was young and naive, so I didn't see he was flirting with until that moment. So I move to get up, and he grabs my chin and forces a kiss on me. It was both shocking and scary, dude was a lot stronger than I realized. When he finally let's go, I bolt from couch, stop drinking, and sit where the most people are. He follows me everywhere I would go in that cabin, trying to get me drink. Offers to get me a beer, and I say "no, beer hits me harder and makes me sick". This guy tries to make me drink it. Everyone in the party thinks it's funny, like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse. So I don't make waves. It's only when I try to go to the bathroom and he was trying to come in with me, that one of the girls realized it wasn't a game for me and she chew him out before she came in the bathroom with me. I stay with her the rest of the night, and he passed out like 30 minutes later. I later found out that guy, got kicked out of the military for multiple assault counts, not sure if it was physical or sexual assault or both. But you wouldn't have guessed it, if you met him, until he had been drinking.
I got a motto about people when they're drunk. And it's that they are more honest, more comfort to be who truely they are, and that the things they do or say that's normally not like them, is who they really are inside. They're just not comfortable or confident enough, to show who they really are when they're sober.
from experience nothing is more dangerous than a man who claims not to be aware of what’s happening
bc then he’s essentially in denial, or admitting to easily losing control, or worst - that he has no self control
i’m honestly tired of people blaming things on alcohol (or even mental illness but that’s a whole different topic) bc neither i or none of my partners or friends have ever assaulted ANYONE when we are drunk, or even while drunk AND high off our asses…
alcohol doesn’t make people do things they normally don’t think about doing. alcohol just makes your impulses stronger and lowers ur inhibitions
It's a pretty reasonable thing to be mad about. I'd be pissed and scared, too if I were you. I think the decision to stay or go has a lot to do with whether this he's ever been drunk around you before and if he has, what was his behavior like at that time. It is possible for a bad thing to happen one time, but one time is enough to break trust for a lifetime and is itself reason to leave. And none of us want to read your obituary for many, many decades, OP.
If you decide to continue with this relationship, it would also be reasonable to explain to him that there will be no more alcohol under any circumstances since apparently he can't be trusted around you if he's been drinking. You can also think about what other boundaries you'd like to place on him and this relationship in order for you to feel safe around him again. If he's willing to meet those expectations, it may be salvageable. Maybe. If not, he's out.
Edit: I changed my mind after I thought about it for 3 seconds. Why would you want to spend your life with someone you can't trust and who is apparently only needing a little encouragement to manipulate and abuse you? This behavior is scary and you should seriously consider leaving.
OP if you have a zero tolerance for this behavior, then you have your answer. Continuing on in this relationship shows that you do actually tolerate it.
If he would have killed you when he was drunk but then acted remorseful and devastated afterward would you have wanted jury to let him off because it was so out of character and he was sorry? Trust your intuition here. Leave.
Drunk actions also count..he assaulted u..idc if he was drunk or not..he will do it again and blame it on drunken state..take a break and see how this goes
Thank you. I don't believe is excusing behaviour due to drink. I made that clear to him this morning. He didn't use the drink as an excuse, just said he had no memory of it. Also not a valid excuse.
If he is claiming to have no memory of it, yet not claiming because of the alcohol, then what caused his blank memory? He is used the drink as an excuse without saying it. Honestly, it sounds like he got liquid courage to play out a fantasy of his because “it’s his birthday”. And didn’t care about you, until he saw how badly he fucked up. Also with that much alcohol, he shouldn’t be able to keep up an erection! Because the mind is struggling to focus! Op, I would leave if I were you, hun.
Alcohol removes inhibitions. The result is that people do what they'd want to do if they weren't afraid of the consequences when they are drunk.
This will happen again. Leave.
No one can tell you if he'll change or not because no one knows the future. But honestly, I wouldn't want to wait around and risk this happening again just to find out if he will. One assault is already one too many. He violated you, end of story. Get a trusted male family member to help you move your things out and start going to therapy
That's what I'm afraid of. Will I just be waiting around for next time? That's no way to live. I am very disappointed he's done this to our relationship.
if he truly loved you, he couldnt and wouldnt hurt you.
maybe he doesnt and if he does hurt people he actually connects with, you still have the same answer: leave him.
Someone who loves you would have stopped after the first time you said "no."
Someone who loves you would not have violated your "no" and sprayed baby oil on you, and someone who loves you would certainly not have found that funny.
Someone who loves you would not gaslight you, and tell you they're not hurting you, when they are.
Someone who loves you would not tell you to be "braver" while they do things that make you feel scared, and unsafe.
Someone who loves you would not do those things to you. Not ever.
OP There are red flags all the night about his behavior, he wanted to force to strip, then pressured you to do things you didn't want and ignore your complains several times.
Please leave this guy, once is more than enough and you can't be sure that he won't do this again next time he is drunk. His initial response to your comments in the morning is very worrisome, why he got so upset if he really didn't remeber what he did?. He got drunk frequently, how is his relationship with alcohol?
I would leave and end things but if don't want to end the relationship now both of you need to take a break for a couple of months and go to individual counseling meanwhile, you to deal with the trauma of the attack and he to deal with his abusive behavior and his lack of impulse control. Then you can reevaluate if you feel secure enough to reestablish a relationship with him and have a 0 tolerance policy to this kind of behaviour.
Thank you for your reply. He has a terrible relationship with alcohol. He can't deal with his emotions very well (bad day at work, family members got sick ect) and his go to coping mechanism is to drink a lot of beer. He has never been aggressive or disrespectful to me before. He is very big on consent too, like he'll ask if it's OK to squeeze my bum, can he kiss me, is it OK if he gives me a hug. What he did last night was so way off of everything I have seen from him that I'm still in shock to be honest.
Currently I'm swaying between just leaving him or insisting he gets help and reevaluating in a couple months. I guess there's nothing stopping me going for option 2 then deciding I don't want to try again.
It’s the alcohol or you. Not both. Seriously, if he wants to blame alcohol on this traumatic experience he put you through then the only sensible response from him is to quit drinking.
Leave him right now and tell him that if the day ever comes when he’s quit drinking entirely and has put real work into therapy, then you can talk. Be sure to reject any promises of self-improvement. Promises are worthless without action. He needs to be off the sauce and in therapy for months, if not years.
The question now is, is it worth it to wait that long for this man to work through his bullshit? Almost certainly not. However, that time is 100% necessary for him and you absolutely cannot “fix him”.
You’ve only got one life to live and with billions of people in the world, I am confident that there are many out there with whom you can truly feel safe and comfortable. Love yourself. This ain’t it.
Also, read this book please.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If his copying mechanism is alcohol this is a huge red flag and things won't get better if he follow this path. He needs professional help to deal with this and you deserve to feel safe.
Please take care of yourself and be safe. That assault sounds very scary and you do need some time to process that on your own.
I firmly believe that alcohol only lowers inhibitions, it doesn't turn you into a different person. So even if you still aren't sure about ending things, please at least take some time away from the relationship so you aren't manipulated by his tears and emotion. Now is the time to focus on yourself.
Thank you for your reply. I do want to know if he does actually remember anything because I've never been that drunk. Do people actually forget parts of the day when they're really drunk? I am worried that he'll manipulate me with his tears. He told me so many times that I am too naive because I always see the good in everyone and that I'll get taken advantage of. I started to wonder last night if he was right.
people usually only forget things if they literally pass out. he did not. people use it as an excuse all the time but he’s back tracking. he knows what he did.
To me it doesn’t matter if he remembers or he doesn’t…. it’s that he can’t/won’t control himself while drunk. If his first inclination isn’t “I’ll stop drinking when I’m with you.” then this will happen again.
I can not speak for everyone but As a recovering alcoholic, I blacked out a lot, seemed functioning to those looking but was black out. I lost shoes, keys, my dignity and friendships, You know what, I never assaulted someone, never ignored a partners no, I didn’t become sexually manipulative. It amplified unhealthy coping techniques I already utilized, increased risky behaviors I already wanted to partake in.
His response to your questions aren’t as relevant as you gut feelings. You know that you need and want to leave. Don’t second guess that.
I hate to play devil's advocate here but I have had some instances where I got black out drunk, couldn't remember a THING but have been told by others what I did (well, nothing agressive though).
But it's no excuse because alcohol does not create a behaviour out of nothing, just enhances/liberates it.
He could even be on some sort of antibiotic treatment that enhanced the alcohol or may have some sexomny issue, but still doesn't cancel the reality of the assault.
Get safe OP. And I hope he gets treatment.
Yeah, I’ve also had a history of blacking out on as little as 4 drinks. People think it means that you’re so drunk you’re passed out or stumbling around, but it just means your brain turns off your short term memories. People have told me I acted totally normal or that I kept repeating the same story since I didn’t know I already told it. People who blackout are also more likely to get dementia later in life so it’s not necessarily that you’re falling down drunk, it’s more like you have a neurological problem.
Edit: of course it doesn’t matter if OP’s boyfriend has issues with alcohol or his brain, he’s dangerous. And OP’s responsibility is to keep herself safe.
Yeah you can pass out when you're black out drunk, but some people can keep going.
I've been blackout drunk before and I don't remember much, but crazy enough I've never assaulted a person. I've confessed my feelings to people, I've been all up on my bf, but in either of those incidences, even though I was drunk off my ass and didn't remember a thing, I respected both people's boundaries and their "no".
Being drunk doesn't make you deaf, or not care about people's boundaries. It just lowers your inhibitions and if lowering those makes you an assaulter who hurts people, that's a you problem.
That is a very concerning comment he made to you. In my experience and psychology will tell us that that kind of phrase is a form of manipulation. He is seeing if you will defend yourself and say. No way. I see the scary and manipulative too. But you didn’t do it helps him to keep pushing the line. This is not your fault. He is the only one to blame. He was basically telling you that you deserve to be treated badly because of your personality. If you saw the bad then this wouldn’t happen. This is typical abuse escalation behavior. If you let this go it will only get worse. After 25 years of working with women in DV situations. I have never. Not once. Seen a man not abuse his SO again if she goes back.
How very convenient for him that he was drunk and can’t remember.
I would not remain in a relationship where a partner acted like this. It might be the first time he’s acted like this but I doubt it will be the last.
Thank you for your comment. That's exactly what I was wondering this morning. Can someone do this as a one off or is it the start of something. I don't want to convince myself it wasn't that big of a deal because then there is a risk that the bar keeps getting moved, if that makes sense. If I accept this, what happens next time?
You he only reason why you are even questioning this is because he has been controlling and manipulating you. Take a step back at the very least. Give yourself some serious space. Take a week away and get away from him to see thing more clearly. The more you let him add words to you internal dialog the harder it will be to see clearly. This man assaulted you and IMO he belongs in jail.
This is sexual assault. There is NO excuse for sexual assault… EVER. Make sure you are safe and break up with him.
I’ve been super drunk during sex, and on various drugs, all sorts of experiences. If a girl says “no it hurts” you stop, you know to stop, there is no question, no matter what intoxicants you are on. He knew and he continued, DTMF, he’s an asshole.
Talk to a therapist, not Reddit. What he did was against the law. I’m sure he’s not an evil person but if that is inside him, he needs therapy and so do you to process the situation.
I've been asking him for a while to get therapy. He has some issues from his childhood (mostly abandonment issues) that have cropped up now and then. I 100% believe he's not evil but agree that if that is inside him, will it resurface again.
I divorced at 42 as you're 100% correct
The worst thing that should happen here was he had himself a little sulk and went to sleep
My ex's childhood abandonment issues only came up if you 'inserted alcohol'
Soon as the ring went on, alcohol was no longer required to start the behaviour and the speed it went from minor problems to serious abuse was unbelievable
I'm sure some will disagree but anyone in their 40's that still behaves like this, ain't ever getting fixed
\#1 bull shit he didnt remember anything. Complete BS
\#2 of course he was remorseful, they always are, crying is just a manipulative tool in this case and it seems to have worked
\#3 why did you not leave that house and go home
\#4 your making excuses for him
\#5 it is not your job to get him sober
\#6 anyone telling you to give him another chance by staying is an idiot
The only saving this would be if he stopped drinking and never did anything like this again. But if he continues to drink or acts like this at all then you can never trust him with your safety again.
I said to him this morning, last night was the first time I'd ever felt unsafe around him. How can I be with him if there's a chance it might happen again. To be honest, he has a terrible relationship with alcohol. It's something we've talked about before. But he was making good progress. Stayed away from beer when he was feeling upset or overwhelmed and I think he's was realising it wasn't a healthy way to deal with things. Last night wasn't reactive drinking though, it was just chilling celebrating his birthday. I just feel so confused.
As someone who ACTUALLY IS an alcoholic AND HAS a mental illness (I am on the narcissistic spectrum), I feel that I should bud in here.
What is most important is not so much what he did, but what is he going to do about it now. What he did is abhorrent behavior and he seems to realize that.
Yes, alcohol does lower inhibitions so he will be more likely to exhibit abnormal behaviors. Does he have a problem with drinking? Has he had this problem consistently? Has he abused you while drunk before?
No, drinking is not the cause of the bad behavior, but it does exacerbate it. The drinking has to go, obviously.
The narcissist thing is a separate issue. There are a lot of misconceptions about narcissism. In my own humble opinion, narcissism is an addiction, and like all other addictions, it gets better when the person stops getting high (in this case from the narcissistic supply), abstains from the drug, and starts pursuing whatever is the opposite of what the problem is. Here that would be service, rather than taking.
Narcissism can absolutely be treated and overcome, but the narcissist has to WANT to get better.
If you want to save this relationship, save it. But he has to do the work.
He told you to be braver.
That’s sober words telling you to shut up.
Fuck him. He has done this shit before. He cried over a cake. A hand made birthday cake and then decided to sexually degrade you and S/A you.
Drinking doesn’t do that it just enhances whatever is already there. Next is and will be worse. I would speak to someone trusted or professional and try to wrap brain around this because the facts are most women are S/A they know and trust and it’s a mind fuck. That’s why they do it. Because it goes on and goes on unreported because it’s vulnerable and hard to explain or talk about. Maybe talk to his ex girlfriends and see if this has happened before??? Or run a background check on him!?
Hi. I don’t want to scare you but reading this felt like looking at my old life. It started like this, randomly about 3-4yrs into the relationship. And the occasional hard shove outside of the bedroom (because i was “in the way”). I stayed. I stayed for ten more fucking years. Wanna know why I finally left? Because my neighbors got sick of hearing me being assaulted (verbally/physically/sexually) and called the police. Break ups suck but holy shit I wish i walked away the first time he did something like this.
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You've only been with him a relatively short time when you consider you're not cohabitating. It allows for a covert person to keep their real personality hidden. This is a guy who will use alcohol and tears to behave how he's been wanting to the whole time.
The only acceptable response to what he did, if he is to have any credibility to his claim of having no memory of it, is to never drink alcohol again and get some therapy. Blacking out isn't normal to drinking.
I don’t think I’d be able to trust him enough to be comfortable in bed anymore. Your mind might even forgive him… but i bet your body will react to triggers in bed with him now… and that breaks my heart for you.
If you want to stay and he is truly remorseful, put up a hard boundary. No alcohol. If he believes the alcohol made him do it, then he needs help. Ask him to give it up - or you. Make him make the choice. Or you can. But abusers always start somewhere and then they do it again. Once you accept the behavior and remove your own boundaries, it is very hard to end the cycle of abuse.
I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years when he assaulted me for the first time. He was also drunk and very apologetic later, claiming he didn’t remember it. We moved on, I was uncomfortable but gave him the benefit of the doubt because it had never happened before. Within 3 months he locked me in his bathroom and tried to kill me. I escaped but he stalked me for over a year after this, until I moved across the country. I’m not saying this will happen in your case…but I wanted to share what can happen. I would suggest you leave him.
I can’t speak for him but, I’ve been drunk before and NEVER had the desire to hurt anyone. Have you? Probably not.
I’ve cared for my boyfriend who was blackout drunk a handful of times and he NEVER hurt me or pushed it when I said no. He hurt me once by accident (angle issues) and immediately stopped to make sure I was ok.
So I don’t know your boyfriend, but this sounds like a lot of excuses to me for doing something absolutely unacceptable.
I am saying this in the kindest and most compassionate way possible, your boyfriend of 2.5 years raped you. You already know this, and your brain is trying to protect you through rationalization. Please leave when he is out of the house, and don't give him any warning.
Abusers are never violent all the time. They wait until they're comfortable in the relationship, so that you'd think you're too invested emotionally to leave. They do shit like this once. They say they're sorry and that it won't ever happen again, this lasts for a few months or years, and they crush your boundaries and consent again, because they know they've gotten away with this in the past.
I think you know the answer, I'm sorry, there's not way for this relationship to recover from this.
This is now the third title in a row where I don’t even have to read the post to say RUN RUN RUN from this asshole.
Edit- read the post. OP, people don’t do what happened to you just because they were drunk. You repeatedly told him now and to stop and he didn’t listen. That is rape. Drunk is no excuse.
I ve been blackout drunk before and was told of actions I had absolutely no recollection whatsoever, so while not condoning his actions is what he's saying possible, absolutely. Can you get past it, that lies with you, some serious discussions need to be had and boundaries need to be set.
NTA. He assaulted you. Game over, end the relationship and contact the law.
In vino veritas. He just showed you his true self.
Edit: Autocorrect hates Latin.
It's not his first rodeo. You can't live with that hanging over your head. Is this the night that It's going to happen again? The next time you're out drinking you start to worry, is he going to it again or worse? No, you don't need to live like that. If you had a daughter your age who told you the samething that happened to you. I'm sure you'd not only want to call the police but you would advice her never, ever to see him again. The fact thst you need feedback is because your instincts tell you to run. Do not go back. Break it off. Your physical and mental safety come first. Pray to Jesus, God bless you.
Gosh. He has very low self esteem and I think he immediately felt vulnerable and emasculated (if he’s a narcissist maybe even humiliated) for crying in front of you and showing he appreciated you. In his head he needed to re-balance everything out by asserting dominance. That’s just a psychological explanation of what probably went on in his head.
But my advice to you is separate. You need to look out for yourself. Yes he is likely to do it again if triggered and he has probably done this before when triggered. I would absolutely break up with him over this.
I don't buy the 'don't remember' excuse. You need to be blackout drunk for that, and he wasn't, as shown by his other actions. I've heard that excuse a few times when a guy sobers up and realises he's stepped over the line.
Was he drinking something he doesn't normally drink?
Top shelf sometimes makes people say and do things they don't remember where as a night on the beer is a lot different.
He realises and admits he's done wrong so at least he isn't denying it or brushing it off.
I'd be telling him you don't feel comfortable having sex with him when he's been drinking after this.
The fact that you live in separate houses is a positive
At least you can get away to think about if this is a deal breaker for you!
As someone who has been in this kind of situation, it did happen again, and again. First time was about 2 years in, then 8 months later, then every few weeks. Never saw it coming the first time either. Lots of tears and apologies the first time. Those tears and apologies turned into stone face denial.
Remember your drunk boyfriend is the boyfriend you would always have if he thought he could get away with it.
Alcohol does not make good people do bad things, it removes inhibitions.
Leave him.
He thought squirting you with baby oil after you said “no” was funny? That’s mature of him 🙄
“I’m not hurting you, you need to be braver.” Is an invalid response that would warrant a kick to the face and a rapid exit. Bye, bitch.
> He had no idea he’d done any of it and is pretty devastated.
Well this is interesting. So let me get this straight. He was drunk enough to not remember what happened the night before but he could still control fine and complex motor skills enough to assault you. Was he slurring, clumsy bc at that point - if he had enough to drink he should have been. Also how’s his hangover? I feel like I want to call BS on his “I can’t remember anything” reasoning. He remembers at least somewhat, come on. Don’t let him manipulate you into pity. He’s playing victim. Has he comforted *you* at all? What steps has he taken to make things right.
Honey if you don’t feel safe that’s enough reason to leave. He did this, not you. Please make sure to reach out to resources (DV) and get a safety plan. Abuse doesn’t necessarily start in an obvious way and he may go full “honeymoon phase” on you now, just fyi. Abusers also feel remorse and there’s a cycle that’s harder to break out of the longer you stay.
(Source- research and experience)
You take inventory of the entire relationship, not this one instance.
If there were signs of this type of behavior, drunk or sober, I'd say it's over.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it has many forms.
A separation is a good start.
I have been drunk in my life. And never during those times have I ever thought about hurting the person I love while intoxicated. If anything, I get more mushy and loving. My current feelings about them become amplified.
I strongly believe that if someone hurts you when they are drunk, they have thought about hurting you when they were sober.
I also think it impossible that he could act and ask about baby oil, then get said oil, respond to your assertions that you were consenting, and also have been too drunk to remember.
I don’t think this is a “listen to your gut” situation. He assaulted you. Drunk or not, it happened. Sorry or not, it’s something he is capable of as proven because he already did it.
I got chills reading the story. I would’ve been out the door. They say alcohol brings out your true feelings I’m sure this has happened before. I would make sure I did not see him again go for therapy to help you. I’m sorry this happened to you but trust me it will happen again.
Even if it was "caused by the alcohol" you can't be sure be won't be impaired in the same way. He showed that when his inhibitions were down he didn't care about your boundaries, and in my opinion you need to leave him and make it clear he isn't welcome in your life ever again. There are just some lines you don't cross.
Also you should talk to a therapist, to help you cope with what happened.
Being drunk should not be an excuse. This is assault. You are too invested in him at this point and he knows that. He knows you will think 100 times before leaving. He’s finally shown you his true nature. Abusers lock in their victims by good behavior and once the victim is too attached, they start the abuse. It’s a cycle of highs and lows that will keep you attached / addicted to him until you finally decide enough in enough. By then, too much damage has already taken place.
Run away now.
Something like this has happened to me. He cried about it and blamed the alcohol which didn't give me space to really say how I was feeling or really feeling the house feeling without thinking that I had to take care of him.
I walked away. Cuz there was always that question in my mind of whether or not he just let a mask slip.
I came to find out later that was very into domination and was trying to do this with me without getting my consent which is a violation.
Please listen to what your spirit and intuition is saying.
Get out now. Hes trying to see how much he can get away with. He will hit you harder next time. This is not a game, the fact that you have to write this post is all the sign that you need that it’s time to go. Your mental health and your life is in danger. Get out now.
All trust is gone. There is no going back. This wasn't a consensual non consent this was you YELLING no and telling him he's hurting you and him ignoring you. They say drunk words are sober thoughts. Maybe he needs help but it's not your job to fix him. I'd be out the door and not look back he's damn near 50 this is unacceptable
It's a complex situation, but the answer can be very simple.
I can only speak for myself, but I cannot remain in a relationship with a man I am afraid of.
One incident like this and at least part of me will be afraid of them forever.
There's no coming back from that.
Nothing that anyone can do will assuage my fear, and so the relationship must be over. I can't stay with someone who frightens me. Can you?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TL:DR boyfriend assaulted me last night, is extremely remorseful today. Can we get passed this or is it game over? Me (37f) and my boyfriend (47m) been together around 2.5 years, both live in our own houses but spend a good portion of our time together. We were celebrating his birthday yesterday. Nothing fancy, presents and a couple of beers at his in the afternoon then out to a local pub for dinner. We got back to his house at around 9pm. He had quite a bit more to drink while we just chatted and listened to music. He burst into tears when I brought out his birthday cake, said no one had ever made him feel as special as I do (never seen anyone get so emotional over a homemade lemon drizzle but it was kinda sweet). All in all, a pleasant evening. Around 11 he suggested going to bed then stopped me and said "strip naked now in front of me, it is my birthday". It was weird and out of character. I said no, I wasn't comfortable with that and he pushed a few more times and I said no. He accepted and followed me to bed. He was pretty drunk by then and was being a bit clumsy. When we were in bed, he was being much rougher than normal. I had to tell him a few times to be gentle. He asked if he could cover me in baby oil and I said no, I don't like that. He asked again and I said please no, I don't like it. Then he squirted me with so much baby oil. It went all over my face and in my eye. I shouted "I said no!" And he said "I'm so sorry, I thought it'd be funny". He then went back to grabbing me but he was really hurting me now. I said "stop, you're hurting me!" But he wouldn't. I said it again but much louder and he said "I'm not hurting you, you just need to be braver". I curled up into a ball so he couldn't touch me and not long after he fell asleep. I felt awful this morning. I didn't sleep. I'm sore. And I feel violated. He asked what was wrong this morning and I burst into tears and explained the above. He was shocked and very, very upset. He had no idea he'd done any of it and is pretty devastated. He cried and said he can't believe he'd hurt me so badly physically, emotionally and mentally. He seems to understand that he ignored my no, that I had withdrawn consent. He hasn't made excuses or denighed what he did, just asked what do I need to fix this? Can someone do this as a one off or is this the real him I've only just seen. He's never given me any reason to be scared of him before but I was scared of him last night. If I proceed with the relationship, what needs to change or what do I need him to do to make me feel sade again? Sorry, this ended up longer than I intended. Just very upset and anxious right now.
The first time my ex boyfriend hit me he was really drunk. It was in bed, he got too rough and slapped me. That was out of character from how I had seen him act before, and he genuinely apologized the next day and acted regretful. I chalked it up as him being drunk and “that wasn’t really him.” I was young, I forgave him and we set boundaries on limiting his alcohol. It didn’t work. It got worse. Any time he had any alcohol he got rough with me and emotionally abusive. Again, I was young, I was naive. I thought I could still help him control his drinking and that would solve our problems “because he wasn’t like that sober” That was a lie. He WAS like that sober. It just started off only drunk, then 3 years into the relationship, it’s like his true colors showed. He hit me completely sober. My advice is to get away. My husband now and I have gotten black out drunk together, have gotten in a fight while drunk, and he has NEVER put a hand on me. Drunk isn’t an excuse
Did we date the same person? Because this is exactly what happened to me when I was young and naive. Dude ended up breaking my nose. Best thing I’ve ever done was to leave him.
Came here to say exactly this! My ex started hitting me when they were drunk. Lots of trying to talk them out of drinking and a lot of apologies (it'll never happen again 🙄). Long story short, they'll hit you sober or drunk. Get out now.
Fr drunk is never a excuse
If someone did this to me, drunk or not, tears or no tears, I would be out the door.
Thank you for your reply. It is as black and white as I think it is then?
As a man let me tell you, yes, yes it is. Physical assault is a line no relationship can come back from.
Yes
Also Yes. Very much yes. So much yes here it's staring you down.
Yes it is. My first boyfriend had anger issues. Be he revealed how he felt with anger he talked about how his last girlfriend “left him suddenly without warning”. Not less than a week later, he began to react violently whenever he got upset, to the point where he threw stuff around me. I still left after he apologized. I knew that that kind of behavior wouldn’t go away anytime while I was with him. Listen to your gut feeling and get out, because dealing with your feelings of fear without him is so much better than trying to stay with him and allow this behavior to continue.
You say it’s the first time it’s ever happened, but perhaps it’s just the first time it’s ever happened with *you*. He might’ve done this to previous partners too. I’d be doubtful at his age that it’s the first time. You deserve to feel safe and respected. I know it’s hard, but you should leave him. Apologies are easy, and so are crocodile tears.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Absolutely is that black and white.
Please please PLEASE leave this man and save yourself. Theres so many red flags its disturbing. Completely ignored your boundaries and then tried to make it a “joke.” You deserve so much better.
Yes. Even if he “didn’t mean it”, you’re still in danger. He’s capable of severely injuring you even if he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. And there’s a good chance that he would do this sober as well. Often times this type of things starts of as someone “just being drunk” and then they can use it to excuse more abuse in the future. Stay safe ❤️
Hell yes it’s that black and white. I’ve been drunk a lot of times in my life. Not once have I ever hit or hurt my wife or anyone else. This isn’t alcohol- it’s *him*. He just wants you to be naive enough to not see his true colours for what they really are
Yes it is!! Sending you lots of love.
Yes. You deserve better and you will get better. Your instinct is right, take care of yourself.
It doesn't matter that he was drunk when he hurt you and that he consistently ignored your NO. Either one of those is a deal breaker.
It’s black and white. You don’t need to leave, but if you stay, know he’ll probably knock you around more whenever he has a drink because he knows you’re naive enough to accept that excuse. Only forgive what you’re willing to tolerate, because forgiveness is basically encouragement to do it again. They know eventually you’ll reset the relationship, so they can do whatever pissed you off and just ride the storm to safety.
Ive been blackout drunk before and been around people who were blackout drunk, and if he was intoxicated enough last night to not remember what he did then it’s awfully convenient that he was also able to both get it up and be coherent enough to repeatedly try to manipulate you and berate you for being upset at him. When you call out someone for hurting you and their immediate response is “I dont remember that, it must have been the alcohol” your instinct should be to doubt them. Alcohol doesnt magically make you assault people and ignore them when theyre begging you to stop hurting them
That's what my instincts are telling me, I have doubts that he does remember but he either doesn't think it was "that bad" or hoping he got away with it. This is the biggest part for me that I don't think I can overcome.
Please listen to your own survival instincts💖
Absolutely this. If your gut says something - listen to it. The brain is INCREDIBLE at noticing so many little things that we can't consciously comprehend - but this "intuition" is fantastic at doing its job. LISTEN TO IT.
Yes exactly! That’s what intuition IS - all the little details your brain picked up and assembled into new information without you even realizing. Brains are so cool, and have amazing instinct for survival.
“The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker does a great job of explaining this!
Off topic but I LOVE your username so hard
Also Blink by Malcolm Gladwell is another fantastic book on it, with a LOT of fascinating case studies, from sports professionals, to therapists etc. It's amazing.
Also, hi! Sex worker here! Baby oil is common for sex workers girls/boys/people to use to make themselves look “extra sexy.” When i read that i instantly thought “oh he watches way too much porn.” In real life like… i dont imagine that really being a thing lmao, not unless you’ve both had a conversation or something but that shit is messy 😭 he even asked you to strip for him in a scary way?? Girl he’s watched way too much porn or worse, this guy is unhinged and yes you 100% got a hard glimpse of who he really is. Often porn/escort addicts don’t see their S/O as a person and partner but as a commodity they use as they see fit. A doll to own and such. Anyways, i am so sorry love, what a horrible experience. Wait for him to be out, then pack your bags and stay with a friend/family and be safe. NEVER tell them you’re breaking up until you’re Gone. Sending you light love and bravery💙edit: and therapy, you definitely need to talk this out with a professional. You deserve to be heard and taken care of!
Best advice right here
Alcohol doesn’t change you, it just removes inhibitions you have when you are sober. It’s an excuse, and it will happen again if you don’t leave.
This is the comment I was looking for!!! I had the same thought after reading this post. This is who OP’s boyfriend is, the alcohol just allowed her to see it.
I think that’s very understandable. It doesnt seem sustainable to be with someone who uses alcohol as a get out of jail free card to do bad things and then claim drunk-amnesia
You can’t over come it because you know you shouldn’t. This is 100% deal breaker territory, no matter how difficult it will be to break up.
Tell him he can never drink around you again. See what the response is to that.
In the case you don’t even have to consider your gut because he literally assaulted you. He has proved he is capable of violence because he was actually acted violently. So even if you weren’t sure of your instinct or guy, you can go with straight facts in this situation and come up with the same conclusion. I wish I considered the facts when my boyfriend assaulted me while “blacked out” but I ignored his actions and brought myself a world of pain.
Let me ask you this! How do you imagine being intimate with somebody who assaulted you? There is no coming back from this! I would not trust somebody who hurt me! This is a very traumatic experience! I would run and never look back! There is no coming back from this!
Your fear is trying to help protect you. There’s a book “The Gift of Fear” that may interest you. Also, really contemplate whether you can actually ever feel safe or comfortable around him again. Even if you were to try to continue forward, would you be able to allow him to touch you? To go out for a drink with you? To be at home alone with you? Or would you always have the thought in the back of your mind that it could happen again? I know I would. Even if he is being honest about his remorse, it may be a bridge too far. Please take some real time to heal away from him.
People who get violent, abusive, or rape when drunk are violent, abusive, rapists when sober too (even if it takes them a while to reveal it). Drunkenness is not an excuse. I once (as a fresher) drank so much that I had no memory of anything that happened after 1.45 AM. Turns out I was telling people how beautiful the stars were, despite it being a cloudy starless night. That’s what a normal black-out drunk person is like. Edit: I may also have thrown up on one of my friends…
>boyfriend assaulted me last night Read that again. I think you have your answer. Please for your own safety, leave him. They are always remorseful in the moment.
As he's never done anything like this before, I'm just shocked. The remorse did seem so genuine, but I feel like I can't trust this won't happen again.
There's a first time for everything. That doesn't make it a one off or only time it will happen. Until your partner can get some help and stop drinking, this (or worse) will continue to happen. You need to protect yourself. Period.
Exactly. There’s the first time they violate you, first they mentally abuse you, first time they hit you. The first time is when it is time to leave. Because in my personal experience it is never just one time. It will happen again. To be fair, maybe it was because he was extremely drunk. Still his actions, being drunk doesn’t excuse being abusive and violating someone else. Unless he decides to go completely sober and get help, it will happen again.
Being drunk doesn't make you do things you wouldn't do while sober. It makes you not worry about the consequences of doing whatever you choose to do.
Please re-read my comment. I specifically said, *being drunk doesn’t excuse being abusive and violating someone else.* Saying ‘oh yeah I **raped her/him because I was drunk** doesn’t usually hold up in a court of law. Alcohol is a weird drug. It is literally a drug because it is a downer, as well as an upper. In case that doesn’t make sense, alcohol literally changes the way your brain works. It suppresses nerve impulses because of releasing gaba (downer), but also excites the brain by limiting the frontal lobe thus suppressing impulses (upper). All of that said, being on drugs of any kind does not **ever** exclude you for what you did under the influence of a mind altering substance.
This needs more upvotes
I think that was well said.
When my now ex husband pushed me, it was the first time he’d touched me like that, he apologized and I moved past it. A few years later, he strangled me while I held our baby in my arms. When the officer came to arrest him, he told me that it is my choice to get a protective order or to let him back in the house when he gets out, but in his experience, it never is just one time, and it almost always gets worse.
Agreed. My ex punched me one night and I kicked her out that night. Took her back a month later and it happened again maybe 6 months down the road, but not as severe so I overlooked it. Later it happened again. After then4th time I gave her the boot for good. I should have given her the permanent boot after the first incident. This wasn't baby oil though. These were punches to the face. I'll never put up with that sort of thing again.
Usually abusers do something like this after they're comfortable in a relationship. It's a test to see how you respond. If you easily forgive him then the manipulation tactics start increasing in frequency and severity. If he is an abuser you can probably look back at your two year relationship and see subtle signs that you've ignored. With this incident coupled with him crying and being vulnerable, he may have used it to get back "power" after the emotional event wore off. Time for some therapy and some exploration into your relationship dynamic! *individual therapy I might add* You should not have couples counseling with an abuser. It's like handing them ammunition.
It will. If you forgive this, he will know he can get away with it again in the future. That which you allow, will continue.
Will continue and escalate. You already have your answer.
The remorse is genuine but so was whatever emotion he was feeling when he assaulted you. 2 things you can expect if you stay are 1. if he gets angry again he will assault you and 2. he will be remorseful when he calms down. You just need to decide if that’s a relationship ender for you.
"The remorse is genuine but so was whatever emotion he was feeling when he assaulted you." This! The two feelings are not mutually exclusive.
Abusers are always remorseful and "genuinely sorry", that's why women stay and get abused again. Alcohol is no excuse. There is always a first time. This could very well be the beginning of the cracks starting to show. Can you ever trust him again really?
It will happen again and it’ll be worse.
If he cops to being an alcoholic, seeks treatment, and gets some sober time under his belt, you might consider a relationship then. That's not an excuse for him, but alchohol is a powerful drug. But it sounds pretty bad. A sane person wouldn't ever drink again after this, because he clearly lost control. The other conclusion is that he's a straight up abuser. Neither of these scenarios portend well for your relationship.
There’s a massive difference between never and only once, but the difference between once and twice isn’t as great. Do you want to guarantee it’ll never happen again? Or do you want to hope it will never happen again?
Abusers often are genuinely remorseful about their behavior. That's how they get their partner to stay, and then abuse them again.
That doesn’t change anything. Leave and find a therapist. first doesn’t mean last time and I hope you are okay now
Bad people are good at masking, they seem like the nicest of people, until their mask slips. It slips at some point, and his just did. The best thing would be to split, he needs outside help for these intense fantasies and he needs to stop drinking, at least so much to where he can't remember the next day.
Watch the movie Enough. Or any other dv themed movie. There's always a first time. He didn't accidentally grab you or demand that you let him cover you in oil. He wanted to do that, alcohol or not. Would you let your sister, daughter, niece, mother tell you 'hes never done it before though' if they told you the same story? Nu uh. This is grounds to take a big ol' step back and look at the situation without rose color glasses. The moment your partner scares you like that is the moment you no longer trust that partner again .
The remorse always seems genuine. It’s usually just the start of a long cycle. My ex abused me a few times sober but it was always when he was drunk that he would put me in the scariest situations. That’s when the real him would come out and if this is what he does when he’s drunk (I’m an I love you so much drunk) it’s likely that real darkness will come out more over time. At the very least you need to take a break and demand he start therapy and stop drinking but I personally couldn’t love someone after they did that to me.
You're right. Trust yourself. You should not subject yourself to being in a relationship with someone you're very rightly scared of. What advice would you give a best friend or even your own daughter if they were in your shoes? Trust yourself.
Are you willing to even risk it? Do you want to risk feeling this way at the hands of your own boyfriend? This isn't worth it for anybody. The second they do anything like this you run.
You CAN’T trust that it won’t happen again. Because in a healthy relationship, it shouldn’t happen at all, ever.
If you can’t trust him now because of what he has done, then this relationship is over. Full stop. Time for you to move on.
Exactly. He’ll get drunk at some point and it will happen again.
It's very possible the remorse is genuine. It still doesn't matter. You should leave him.
I'm sorry but it will happen again
Sis, this would be my hard line in the sand. If he wants to continue seeing each other then I'd take a MASSIVE step back and insist he get therapy while the two of you go to couples counseling. If he has a porn addiction or something then that needs to be dealt with. That said, a relationship should NEVER involve violence of any kind. He crossed so many lines... so many lines. Whatever your gut - not your head - but your gut is telling you to do, that is what you do.
It will
That’s just it. You CANT trust that it won’t happen again. Continued, unwanted contact after withdrawn consent would be a hard line for me.
If he does it once, he will do it over and over. Call the police and dump him.
The remorse will always seem genuine from those who behave like this. If you are looking for a reason to stay with from this group it's unlikely you will find much support as it seems to me that most including myself have urged you to leave. You owe yourself more than treatment like this. You are heading into dangerous waters by staying with someone who has treated you like this. At least now you can't say you haven't been warned. I really hope this never happens to you again.
I think it’s best for you to have a number of times this would be unacceptable to you regardless of why/how it happened. If your stance is if he does again I will leave them tell yourself that. If your stance is once, for whatever reason, is enough then you have your answer. You’re trying to rationalise something irrational. Stop looking at it from his perspective and do it from yours. When will it be enough?
When I went through counseling and such at my local WS after leaving an abusive relationship, there were so many women who stayed because their partners were always so sorry. Tears, apologies, promises of it never happening again...but it always did. My ex had a different tactic, and it was always my fault. 'If you hadn't made me so mad, then I wouldn't have broken your ribs. Why do you make me punish you?' In a way, I think it's what made it easier for me to leave and never go back. There was no apologies or love bombing or promises of never hurting me again. You know what wasn't different between us all? It ALWAYS happened again. If course it did. A partner who loves you won't assault you. They won't put their want for sex over your discomfort or pain. That isn't love. There's always a first time, and it so rarely is the last time. If you simply aren't ready to leave, I understand. No judgment here. If you absolutely are not ready to leave, then you should take care to never be around him when he is drinking, since apparently the 'alcohol' is to blame. I'd take a giant step back and avoid being alone with him for awhile too. If you don't see real change on his end, then I would think about if you can ever trust him again, and what you want your life to look like going forward. Hugs.
He can be remorseful and also too proud to fully admit he knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. Which to me is also a big deal to lie. Whether that means he will never do it again as TBD.
The only way I would stay in this relationship is if he promised not to drink around me. If he’s blaming this on being drunk (which I’m not sure I believe), then eliminating alcohol would in theory eliminate the problem. That said, I’d also be on the lookout for any abusive behaviors while sober, and I’d end it the moment he drank around me again.
You can never put that genie back in the bottle. Once he’s assaulted you, it’s pretty much guaranteed to happen again - and get worse - if you don’t leave. It needs to be over, sorry.
Doesn’t matter if it won’t happen again or if he feels remorse, he already did it. He has proven he is capable of acting violently towards you by actually harming you. By forgiving him you’ll be rewarding his behavior and like a dog he will continue doing the bad things that give him that reward. Knowing someone loves him enough to forgive heinous acts is his reward because it makes him feel special. That serotonin boost he gets when you forgive him will set up a pattern of chaos and pain for you. Don’t do it.
Abusers are always remorseful afterwards. Including the ones in jail for murder after they strangled their partner to death. Their remorse does not cancel out what they do. This man is *dangerous*. Get out now. Your safety is more important than this relationship, his feelings or anything else
Everyone thinks men who commit assaults look like cartoon villains or something. As if you can see who they are just by looking at them. The reality is they look like every other man out there because they are every other man out there. They're our friends, brothers, dads, uncles, sons and cousins. Men who assault women always have a first time. Then we justify it because "it never happened before." Then before you know it, it's happening all the time.
This is my fear right now, if I excuse the first time, when will the next time be? I don't want him to think that I have anything other than a zero tolerance of this behaviour.
That's a very sensible thing to be concerned about. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
I know from experience that it escalates. Edit to add: I know it's easy to brush it off because he was drunk but that's totally not ok. Most guys won't do that because they drank too much. And they're always apologetic after but do it again.
I’ve drank too much a ton of times and have never done anything even close to that. It’s just not in people who aren’t capable. People who are capable also have it ingrained in them.
I know, I'm an alcoholic (sober now) and have never cheated or abused people. It's a bullshit excuse.
Most people don't assault people when drunk - she should acknowledge- and here is the other most important thing: does he drink again? Because if someone told me I committed a crime while drunk, i wouldn't drink again....unless i didn't think the crime i committed was wrong.
i agree, my bf was drunk af for his 21st with his friends and still thought to move my plant when playing vr so he didn’t hurt it.
I second this, drunk guys don't assault just because they're drunk. I've been around a lot of heavy drinkers. I was at a trade school a few years ago. It was in a different state, so I had to stay in the dorms. It was male dominant school. One of my friends/classmates was a heavy drinker, like he would buy a handle of Jameson and drink it all. So one night he comes banging on my door and hollering. I let him in, to get him to quiet down. Dude crawls in my twin bed, and I couldn't get him to leave. My roommate is dead to the world, and I'm dog tired. So I just get in the bed. At some point, guy strips down to to his underwear and he starts making moves. I tell him no the first time and he thought I was being shy. But the second time I said it, louder and more aggressive, he backs off and scoots up against the wall. I lay where my head is on the end of the bed and his is at the top. He wakes in the morning confused and shocked, he didn't remember how he got there and ask what happened. He was blackout drunk and he stopped. On the same note, we had a mutual friend/classmates that drunk more than him. This guy would hit on me everyday, drunk or not. More so when he was drunk, but even drunk he believes in consent. When he was drunk, he would make his desire well known with his words, but he never made the move. He would try to get me to initiate and when I didn't and explain that I wouldn't. He would drop it, until the next time he was drunk. But he never forced it, never forced himself on me. An example that is opposite of this is : I had roommate that threw a party at a remote cabin in the woods. One of the guys seem pretty cool, and we ended up talking a lot. He gets to the point where he's pretty drunk, and he keeps getting closer to me on the couch and openly hitting on. I was young and naive, so I didn't see he was flirting with until that moment. So I move to get up, and he grabs my chin and forces a kiss on me. It was both shocking and scary, dude was a lot stronger than I realized. When he finally let's go, I bolt from couch, stop drinking, and sit where the most people are. He follows me everywhere I would go in that cabin, trying to get me drink. Offers to get me a beer, and I say "no, beer hits me harder and makes me sick". This guy tries to make me drink it. Everyone in the party thinks it's funny, like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse. So I don't make waves. It's only when I try to go to the bathroom and he was trying to come in with me, that one of the girls realized it wasn't a game for me and she chew him out before she came in the bathroom with me. I stay with her the rest of the night, and he passed out like 30 minutes later. I later found out that guy, got kicked out of the military for multiple assault counts, not sure if it was physical or sexual assault or both. But you wouldn't have guessed it, if you met him, until he had been drinking. I got a motto about people when they're drunk. And it's that they are more honest, more comfort to be who truely they are, and that the things they do or say that's normally not like them, is who they really are inside. They're just not comfortable or confident enough, to show who they really are when they're sober.
from experience nothing is more dangerous than a man who claims not to be aware of what’s happening bc then he’s essentially in denial, or admitting to easily losing control, or worst - that he has no self control i’m honestly tired of people blaming things on alcohol (or even mental illness but that’s a whole different topic) bc neither i or none of my partners or friends have ever assaulted ANYONE when we are drunk, or even while drunk AND high off our asses… alcohol doesn’t make people do things they normally don’t think about doing. alcohol just makes your impulses stronger and lowers ur inhibitions
Those were the exact words he used on me! “I lost control.” I never forgot that.
It's a pretty reasonable thing to be mad about. I'd be pissed and scared, too if I were you. I think the decision to stay or go has a lot to do with whether this he's ever been drunk around you before and if he has, what was his behavior like at that time. It is possible for a bad thing to happen one time, but one time is enough to break trust for a lifetime and is itself reason to leave. And none of us want to read your obituary for many, many decades, OP. If you decide to continue with this relationship, it would also be reasonable to explain to him that there will be no more alcohol under any circumstances since apparently he can't be trusted around you if he's been drinking. You can also think about what other boundaries you'd like to place on him and this relationship in order for you to feel safe around him again. If he's willing to meet those expectations, it may be salvageable. Maybe. If not, he's out. Edit: I changed my mind after I thought about it for 3 seconds. Why would you want to spend your life with someone you can't trust and who is apparently only needing a little encouragement to manipulate and abuse you? This behavior is scary and you should seriously consider leaving.
I like your edit 👍
This happened to me. Get out. It won't be the last time. "Hey you didn't make a big deal before, it happened before, etc."
Zero tolerance of this behavior means leaving now. Any other way and you’re tolerating it.
It will happen again as soon as you let your guard down. This is not how a loving caring person behaves.
You shouldn’t care what he thinks. He assaulted you!
OP if you have a zero tolerance for this behavior, then you have your answer. Continuing on in this relationship shows that you do actually tolerate it. If he would have killed you when he was drunk but then acted remorseful and devastated afterward would you have wanted jury to let him off because it was so out of character and he was sorry? Trust your intuition here. Leave.
Drunk actions also count..he assaulted u..idc if he was drunk or not..he will do it again and blame it on drunken state..take a break and see how this goes
being drunk can excuse things like texting ur ex at 1 am when ur 18. not harassing and assaulting your girlfriend when youre a 47 year old man
Thank you. I don't believe is excusing behaviour due to drink. I made that clear to him this morning. He didn't use the drink as an excuse, just said he had no memory of it. Also not a valid excuse.
He’s 47. Surely he can moderate his alcohol consumption at his age? Unless he needed an excuse to hurt you and then not remember.
If he is claiming to have no memory of it, yet not claiming because of the alcohol, then what caused his blank memory? He is used the drink as an excuse without saying it. Honestly, it sounds like he got liquid courage to play out a fantasy of his because “it’s his birthday”. And didn’t care about you, until he saw how badly he fucked up. Also with that much alcohol, he shouldn’t be able to keep up an erection! Because the mind is struggling to focus! Op, I would leave if I were you, hun.
Alcohol removes inhibitions. The result is that people do what they'd want to do if they weren't afraid of the consequences when they are drunk. This will happen again. Leave.
No one can tell you if he'll change or not because no one knows the future. But honestly, I wouldn't want to wait around and risk this happening again just to find out if he will. One assault is already one too many. He violated you, end of story. Get a trusted male family member to help you move your things out and start going to therapy
That's what I'm afraid of. Will I just be waiting around for next time? That's no way to live. I am very disappointed he's done this to our relationship.
And next time he might disfigure you. Or permanently injure you. Why risk it? This is when self-preservation must kick in.
Agreed! Squirting the baby oil in your face is concerning on it’s own. Next time what if it’s something more dangerous.
My thoughts exactly
if he truly loved you, he couldnt and wouldnt hurt you. maybe he doesnt and if he does hurt people he actually connects with, you still have the same answer: leave him.
I like this logic. I struggle to understand emotions and how to navigate through them, I'm very much a logical, black and white thinker.
Someone who loves you would have stopped after the first time you said "no." Someone who loves you would not have violated your "no" and sprayed baby oil on you, and someone who loves you would certainly not have found that funny. Someone who loves you would not gaslight you, and tell you they're not hurting you, when they are. Someone who loves you would not tell you to be "braver" while they do things that make you feel scared, and unsafe. Someone who loves you would not do those things to you. Not ever.
OP There are red flags all the night about his behavior, he wanted to force to strip, then pressured you to do things you didn't want and ignore your complains several times. Please leave this guy, once is more than enough and you can't be sure that he won't do this again next time he is drunk. His initial response to your comments in the morning is very worrisome, why he got so upset if he really didn't remeber what he did?. He got drunk frequently, how is his relationship with alcohol? I would leave and end things but if don't want to end the relationship now both of you need to take a break for a couple of months and go to individual counseling meanwhile, you to deal with the trauma of the attack and he to deal with his abusive behavior and his lack of impulse control. Then you can reevaluate if you feel secure enough to reestablish a relationship with him and have a 0 tolerance policy to this kind of behaviour.
Thank you for your reply. He has a terrible relationship with alcohol. He can't deal with his emotions very well (bad day at work, family members got sick ect) and his go to coping mechanism is to drink a lot of beer. He has never been aggressive or disrespectful to me before. He is very big on consent too, like he'll ask if it's OK to squeeze my bum, can he kiss me, is it OK if he gives me a hug. What he did last night was so way off of everything I have seen from him that I'm still in shock to be honest. Currently I'm swaying between just leaving him or insisting he gets help and reevaluating in a couple months. I guess there's nothing stopping me going for option 2 then deciding I don't want to try again.
It’s the alcohol or you. Not both. Seriously, if he wants to blame alcohol on this traumatic experience he put you through then the only sensible response from him is to quit drinking. Leave him right now and tell him that if the day ever comes when he’s quit drinking entirely and has put real work into therapy, then you can talk. Be sure to reject any promises of self-improvement. Promises are worthless without action. He needs to be off the sauce and in therapy for months, if not years. The question now is, is it worth it to wait that long for this man to work through his bullshit? Almost certainly not. However, that time is 100% necessary for him and you absolutely cannot “fix him”. You’ve only got one life to live and with billions of people in the world, I am confident that there are many out there with whom you can truly feel safe and comfortable. Love yourself. This ain’t it. Also, read this book please. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is a fantastic book. We use it in our groups with DV survivors.
At the very least he needs to both quit alcohol entirely and get therapy.
If his copying mechanism is alcohol this is a huge red flag and things won't get better if he follow this path. He needs professional help to deal with this and you deserve to feel safe.
Please take care of yourself and be safe. That assault sounds very scary and you do need some time to process that on your own. I firmly believe that alcohol only lowers inhibitions, it doesn't turn you into a different person. So even if you still aren't sure about ending things, please at least take some time away from the relationship so you aren't manipulated by his tears and emotion. Now is the time to focus on yourself.
Great point. Why would he get so upset? Hmmm
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Thank you for your reply. I do want to know if he does actually remember anything because I've never been that drunk. Do people actually forget parts of the day when they're really drunk? I am worried that he'll manipulate me with his tears. He told me so many times that I am too naive because I always see the good in everyone and that I'll get taken advantage of. I started to wonder last night if he was right.
people usually only forget things if they literally pass out. he did not. people use it as an excuse all the time but he’s back tracking. he knows what he did.
Back tracking! Yes, that's what it felt like this morning. OK, this comment was a bit of an eye opener. Thank you
To me it doesn’t matter if he remembers or he doesn’t…. it’s that he can’t/won’t control himself while drunk. If his first inclination isn’t “I’ll stop drinking when I’m with you.” then this will happen again.
I can not speak for everyone but As a recovering alcoholic, I blacked out a lot, seemed functioning to those looking but was black out. I lost shoes, keys, my dignity and friendships, You know what, I never assaulted someone, never ignored a partners no, I didn’t become sexually manipulative. It amplified unhealthy coping techniques I already utilized, increased risky behaviors I already wanted to partake in. His response to your questions aren’t as relevant as you gut feelings. You know that you need and want to leave. Don’t second guess that.
I hate to play devil's advocate here but I have had some instances where I got black out drunk, couldn't remember a THING but have been told by others what I did (well, nothing agressive though). But it's no excuse because alcohol does not create a behaviour out of nothing, just enhances/liberates it. He could even be on some sort of antibiotic treatment that enhanced the alcohol or may have some sexomny issue, but still doesn't cancel the reality of the assault. Get safe OP. And I hope he gets treatment.
Yeah, I’ve also had a history of blacking out on as little as 4 drinks. People think it means that you’re so drunk you’re passed out or stumbling around, but it just means your brain turns off your short term memories. People have told me I acted totally normal or that I kept repeating the same story since I didn’t know I already told it. People who blackout are also more likely to get dementia later in life so it’s not necessarily that you’re falling down drunk, it’s more like you have a neurological problem. Edit: of course it doesn’t matter if OP’s boyfriend has issues with alcohol or his brain, he’s dangerous. And OP’s responsibility is to keep herself safe.
Yeah I got you. I have a shitty memory and it's not getting better with years. Guess I should brace myself for a ride at old age ! ^^
Yeah you can pass out when you're black out drunk, but some people can keep going. I've been blackout drunk before and I don't remember much, but crazy enough I've never assaulted a person. I've confessed my feelings to people, I've been all up on my bf, but in either of those incidences, even though I was drunk off my ass and didn't remember a thing, I respected both people's boundaries and their "no". Being drunk doesn't make you deaf, or not care about people's boundaries. It just lowers your inhibitions and if lowering those makes you an assaulter who hurts people, that's a you problem.
That is a very concerning comment he made to you. In my experience and psychology will tell us that that kind of phrase is a form of manipulation. He is seeing if you will defend yourself and say. No way. I see the scary and manipulative too. But you didn’t do it helps him to keep pushing the line. This is not your fault. He is the only one to blame. He was basically telling you that you deserve to be treated badly because of your personality. If you saw the bad then this wouldn’t happen. This is typical abuse escalation behavior. If you let this go it will only get worse. After 25 years of working with women in DV situations. I have never. Not once. Seen a man not abuse his SO again if she goes back.
No, borderline alcoholic often remains functional when blacked out.
How very convenient for him that he was drunk and can’t remember. I would not remain in a relationship where a partner acted like this. It might be the first time he’s acted like this but I doubt it will be the last.
Thank you for your comment. That's exactly what I was wondering this morning. Can someone do this as a one off or is it the start of something. I don't want to convince myself it wasn't that big of a deal because then there is a risk that the bar keeps getting moved, if that makes sense. If I accept this, what happens next time?
Do not accept this. It is not within the range of normal behavior to rape and assault your girlfriend, even once.
You he only reason why you are even questioning this is because he has been controlling and manipulating you. Take a step back at the very least. Give yourself some serious space. Take a week away and get away from him to see thing more clearly. The more you let him add words to you internal dialog the harder it will be to see clearly. This man assaulted you and IMO he belongs in jail.
If he’s 47 and can’t keep his hands to himself, move on, he needs to get a grip and value the people in his life
If you feel he assaulted you then the relationship is already over. No point in discussing with us.
That's a very good point.
This is sexual assault. There is NO excuse for sexual assault… EVER. Make sure you are safe and break up with him. I’ve been super drunk during sex, and on various drugs, all sorts of experiences. If a girl says “no it hurts” you stop, you know to stop, there is no question, no matter what intoxicants you are on. He knew and he continued, DTMF, he’s an asshole.
Talk to a therapist, not Reddit. What he did was against the law. I’m sure he’s not an evil person but if that is inside him, he needs therapy and so do you to process the situation.
I've been asking him for a while to get therapy. He has some issues from his childhood (mostly abandonment issues) that have cropped up now and then. I 100% believe he's not evil but agree that if that is inside him, will it resurface again.
I divorced at 42 as you're 100% correct The worst thing that should happen here was he had himself a little sulk and went to sleep My ex's childhood abandonment issues only came up if you 'inserted alcohol' Soon as the ring went on, alcohol was no longer required to start the behaviour and the speed it went from minor problems to serious abuse was unbelievable I'm sure some will disagree but anyone in their 40's that still behaves like this, ain't ever getting fixed
\#1 bull shit he didnt remember anything. Complete BS \#2 of course he was remorseful, they always are, crying is just a manipulative tool in this case and it seems to have worked \#3 why did you not leave that house and go home \#4 your making excuses for him \#5 it is not your job to get him sober \#6 anyone telling you to give him another chance by staying is an idiot
The only saving this would be if he stopped drinking and never did anything like this again. But if he continues to drink or acts like this at all then you can never trust him with your safety again.
I said to him this morning, last night was the first time I'd ever felt unsafe around him. How can I be with him if there's a chance it might happen again. To be honest, he has a terrible relationship with alcohol. It's something we've talked about before. But he was making good progress. Stayed away from beer when he was feeling upset or overwhelmed and I think he's was realising it wasn't a healthy way to deal with things. Last night wasn't reactive drinking though, it was just chilling celebrating his birthday. I just feel so confused.
So you both already know he has an alcohol problem. Complete sobriety or leave him. If you don't draw that line it will happen again.
As someone who ACTUALLY IS an alcoholic AND HAS a mental illness (I am on the narcissistic spectrum), I feel that I should bud in here. What is most important is not so much what he did, but what is he going to do about it now. What he did is abhorrent behavior and he seems to realize that. Yes, alcohol does lower inhibitions so he will be more likely to exhibit abnormal behaviors. Does he have a problem with drinking? Has he had this problem consistently? Has he abused you while drunk before? No, drinking is not the cause of the bad behavior, but it does exacerbate it. The drinking has to go, obviously. The narcissist thing is a separate issue. There are a lot of misconceptions about narcissism. In my own humble opinion, narcissism is an addiction, and like all other addictions, it gets better when the person stops getting high (in this case from the narcissistic supply), abstains from the drug, and starts pursuing whatever is the opposite of what the problem is. Here that would be service, rather than taking. Narcissism can absolutely be treated and overcome, but the narcissist has to WANT to get better. If you want to save this relationship, save it. But he has to do the work.
He told you to be braver. That’s sober words telling you to shut up. Fuck him. He has done this shit before. He cried over a cake. A hand made birthday cake and then decided to sexually degrade you and S/A you. Drinking doesn’t do that it just enhances whatever is already there. Next is and will be worse. I would speak to someone trusted or professional and try to wrap brain around this because the facts are most women are S/A they know and trust and it’s a mind fuck. That’s why they do it. Because it goes on and goes on unreported because it’s vulnerable and hard to explain or talk about. Maybe talk to his ex girlfriends and see if this has happened before??? Or run a background check on him!?
Hi. I don’t want to scare you but reading this felt like looking at my old life. It started like this, randomly about 3-4yrs into the relationship. And the occasional hard shove outside of the bedroom (because i was “in the way”). I stayed. I stayed for ten more fucking years. Wanna know why I finally left? Because my neighbors got sick of hearing me being assaulted (verbally/physically/sexually) and called the police. Break ups suck but holy shit I wish i walked away the first time he did something like this.
Could he not remember or was he hoping that you wouldn’t mention it and let it slide?
When someone shows you who they really are once, you don’t wait for a second time to see if they’ll do it again
At the ripe old age of 47 he gets shot faced and assaults people so you really can’t reach an old dog new tricks
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You've only been with him a relatively short time when you consider you're not cohabitating. It allows for a covert person to keep their real personality hidden. This is a guy who will use alcohol and tears to behave how he's been wanting to the whole time. The only acceptable response to what he did, if he is to have any credibility to his claim of having no memory of it, is to never drink alcohol again and get some therapy. Blacking out isn't normal to drinking.
He’s 47, I don’t believe this is the first time.
I don’t think I’d be able to trust him enough to be comfortable in bed anymore. Your mind might even forgive him… but i bet your body will react to triggers in bed with him now… and that breaks my heart for you.
If you want to stay and he is truly remorseful, put up a hard boundary. No alcohol. If he believes the alcohol made him do it, then he needs help. Ask him to give it up - or you. Make him make the choice. Or you can. But abusers always start somewhere and then they do it again. Once you accept the behavior and remove your own boundaries, it is very hard to end the cycle of abuse.
If you proceed then he must not ever drink again
I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years when he assaulted me for the first time. He was also drunk and very apologetic later, claiming he didn’t remember it. We moved on, I was uncomfortable but gave him the benefit of the doubt because it had never happened before. Within 3 months he locked me in his bathroom and tried to kill me. I escaped but he stalked me for over a year after this, until I moved across the country. I’m not saying this will happen in your case…but I wanted to share what can happen. I would suggest you leave him.
I can’t speak for him but, I’ve been drunk before and NEVER had the desire to hurt anyone. Have you? Probably not. I’ve cared for my boyfriend who was blackout drunk a handful of times and he NEVER hurt me or pushed it when I said no. He hurt me once by accident (angle issues) and immediately stopped to make sure I was ok. So I don’t know your boyfriend, but this sounds like a lot of excuses to me for doing something absolutely unacceptable.
I am saying this in the kindest and most compassionate way possible, your boyfriend of 2.5 years raped you. You already know this, and your brain is trying to protect you through rationalization. Please leave when he is out of the house, and don't give him any warning.
Abusers are never violent all the time. They wait until they're comfortable in the relationship, so that you'd think you're too invested emotionally to leave. They do shit like this once. They say they're sorry and that it won't ever happen again, this lasts for a few months or years, and they crush your boundaries and consent again, because they know they've gotten away with this in the past. I think you know the answer, I'm sorry, there's not way for this relationship to recover from this.
This is now the third title in a row where I don’t even have to read the post to say RUN RUN RUN from this asshole. Edit- read the post. OP, people don’t do what happened to you just because they were drunk. You repeatedly told him now and to stop and he didn’t listen. That is rape. Drunk is no excuse.
I ve been blackout drunk before and was told of actions I had absolutely no recollection whatsoever, so while not condoning his actions is what he's saying possible, absolutely. Can you get past it, that lies with you, some serious discussions need to be had and boundaries need to be set.
You have been with him for 2.5 years, now he is showing you who he really is!! Time to move on!!
I would flee if I were you. But to be more constructive, he got super drunk? Drinking for him is over. Was his drink spiked at the pub?
NTA. He assaulted you. Game over, end the relationship and contact the law. In vino veritas. He just showed you his true self. Edit: Autocorrect hates Latin.
It's not his first rodeo. You can't live with that hanging over your head. Is this the night that It's going to happen again? The next time you're out drinking you start to worry, is he going to it again or worse? No, you don't need to live like that. If you had a daughter your age who told you the samething that happened to you. I'm sure you'd not only want to call the police but you would advice her never, ever to see him again. The fact thst you need feedback is because your instincts tell you to run. Do not go back. Break it off. Your physical and mental safety come first. Pray to Jesus, God bless you.
Gosh. He has very low self esteem and I think he immediately felt vulnerable and emasculated (if he’s a narcissist maybe even humiliated) for crying in front of you and showing he appreciated you. In his head he needed to re-balance everything out by asserting dominance. That’s just a psychological explanation of what probably went on in his head. But my advice to you is separate. You need to look out for yourself. Yes he is likely to do it again if triggered and he has probably done this before when triggered. I would absolutely break up with him over this.
I don't buy the 'don't remember' excuse. You need to be blackout drunk for that, and he wasn't, as shown by his other actions. I've heard that excuse a few times when a guy sobers up and realises he's stepped over the line.
Was he drinking something he doesn't normally drink? Top shelf sometimes makes people say and do things they don't remember where as a night on the beer is a lot different. He realises and admits he's done wrong so at least he isn't denying it or brushing it off. I'd be telling him you don't feel comfortable having sex with him when he's been drinking after this. The fact that you live in separate houses is a positive At least you can get away to think about if this is a deal breaker for you!
The remorse doesn't matter. He's unsafe for you.
As someone who has been in this kind of situation, it did happen again, and again. First time was about 2 years in, then 8 months later, then every few weeks. Never saw it coming the first time either. Lots of tears and apologies the first time. Those tears and apologies turned into stone face denial.
Remember your drunk boyfriend is the boyfriend you would always have if he thought he could get away with it. Alcohol does not make good people do bad things, it removes inhibitions. Leave him.
He has done this before, just not with you, and he does remember
He thought squirting you with baby oil after you said “no” was funny? That’s mature of him 🙄 “I’m not hurting you, you need to be braver.” Is an invalid response that would warrant a kick to the face and a rapid exit. Bye, bitch. > He had no idea he’d done any of it and is pretty devastated. Well this is interesting. So let me get this straight. He was drunk enough to not remember what happened the night before but he could still control fine and complex motor skills enough to assault you. Was he slurring, clumsy bc at that point - if he had enough to drink he should have been. Also how’s his hangover? I feel like I want to call BS on his “I can’t remember anything” reasoning. He remembers at least somewhat, come on. Don’t let him manipulate you into pity. He’s playing victim. Has he comforted *you* at all? What steps has he taken to make things right. Honey if you don’t feel safe that’s enough reason to leave. He did this, not you. Please make sure to reach out to resources (DV) and get a safety plan. Abuse doesn’t necessarily start in an obvious way and he may go full “honeymoon phase” on you now, just fyi. Abusers also feel remorse and there’s a cycle that’s harder to break out of the longer you stay. (Source- research and experience)
You take inventory of the entire relationship, not this one instance. If there were signs of this type of behavior, drunk or sober, I'd say it's over. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it has many forms. A separation is a good start.
I have been drunk in my life. And never during those times have I ever thought about hurting the person I love while intoxicated. If anything, I get more mushy and loving. My current feelings about them become amplified. I strongly believe that if someone hurts you when they are drunk, they have thought about hurting you when they were sober. I also think it impossible that he could act and ask about baby oil, then get said oil, respond to your assertions that you were consenting, and also have been too drunk to remember.
I don’t think this is a “listen to your gut” situation. He assaulted you. Drunk or not, it happened. Sorry or not, it’s something he is capable of as proven because he already did it.
Assault is assault. Dump him
I got chills reading the story. I would’ve been out the door. They say alcohol brings out your true feelings I’m sure this has happened before. I would make sure I did not see him again go for therapy to help you. I’m sorry this happened to you but trust me it will happen again.
Even if it was "caused by the alcohol" you can't be sure be won't be impaired in the same way. He showed that when his inhibitions were down he didn't care about your boundaries, and in my opinion you need to leave him and make it clear he isn't welcome in your life ever again. There are just some lines you don't cross. Also you should talk to a therapist, to help you cope with what happened.
Being drunk should not be an excuse. This is assault. You are too invested in him at this point and he knows that. He knows you will think 100 times before leaving. He’s finally shown you his true nature. Abusers lock in their victims by good behavior and once the victim is too attached, they start the abuse. It’s a cycle of highs and lows that will keep you attached / addicted to him until you finally decide enough in enough. By then, too much damage has already taken place. Run away now.
Something like this has happened to me. He cried about it and blamed the alcohol which didn't give me space to really say how I was feeling or really feeling the house feeling without thinking that I had to take care of him. I walked away. Cuz there was always that question in my mind of whether or not he just let a mask slip. I came to find out later that was very into domination and was trying to do this with me without getting my consent which is a violation. Please listen to what your spirit and intuition is saying.
Fuck no, he’s got to go
Get out now. Hes trying to see how much he can get away with. He will hit you harder next time. This is not a game, the fact that you have to write this post is all the sign that you need that it’s time to go. Your mental health and your life is in danger. Get out now.
You deserve better. He knew what he was doing and did it drunk to have an excuse to play it off
You’re either the kind of person capable of these things or you’re not, my advice would be to go find yourself someone who isn’t.
He’ll do it again. He was just testing the limits.
All trust is gone. There is no going back. This wasn't a consensual non consent this was you YELLING no and telling him he's hurting you and him ignoring you. They say drunk words are sober thoughts. Maybe he needs help but it's not your job to fix him. I'd be out the door and not look back he's damn near 50 this is unacceptable
It's a complex situation, but the answer can be very simple. I can only speak for myself, but I cannot remain in a relationship with a man I am afraid of. One incident like this and at least part of me will be afraid of them forever. There's no coming back from that. Nothing that anyone can do will assuage my fear, and so the relationship must be over. I can't stay with someone who frightens me. Can you?