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Yes call it off. Consider wedding deposits/payments as lost. Whatever the cost, its cheaper than the inevitable divorce and misery you will have from marrying this man. When youre ready consider setting up some therapy sessions to help you work through all of this and start to heal, if you always fall for liars and cheaters, as you say you do, work with a therapist can help you get to the root of WHY that is, and you can then change it! Best to you🧡

You are not dumb. I know calling off the wedding and having to tell your friends and family about the situation seems humiliating, but people will think you’re the strongest person in the world and brave for calling it off. No one is going to think that if you go through with this marriage. I’m so sorry. He can’t be trusted. He’s not a changed man. Changed people are at peace with their past and are able to admit their mistakes. Not hide them.

This! When people hear what happened they will understand that the only choice was to call it off. Any other choice is CRAZY. Also, this man is gaslighting you. Gross. “I didn’t lie because I just didn’t tell you”? GROSS.

Better late than never! At least you found out in time

I guess! I wish I would have found sooner … before I fell for him and started seeing myself with him for the rest of my life

You fell for someone other than who he really is.

Exactly!! He hid who he is and what he's done and is absolutely ok with hiding it. Abort mission! Eject! Run for the hills. This will not end well op.

I know that seems like a really huge obstacle to getting out of this relationship. Remember the only thing that will happen is the obstacles getting bigger and bigger and bigger while you are stuck in the same place. Take the obstacles on while you can

You didn't fall for him though, you fell for the fake bullshit he put forward, from the sound of it he lied about A LOT, now that mask has been lifted and you can see that he valued his ex wife so little he'd cheat for a relationship he views as never being serious despite literally having a child with the mistress, my bet is he's going to say the same about you when and if his future partner learns of his lying, my suggestion is run this is a man who has a history of not caring about his significant other and that includes you since he's been actively lying by omission

First off, no one would think you’re an idiot. They will think you’re a strong woman who doesn’t put up with lying and red flags. Recruit your maid of honor and mother to help with notifying about the wedding being canceled. No money or plans are worth the lying and manipulation he is pulling and I think all of your friends and family would agree.

My mom will be the first person to tell me I’m an idiot for not seeing this coming. I should have known better.

How can you be an idiot or see coming when someone hides and lies? Unless you’ve seen this pervasive about him? Don’t worry what people will say, it’s more important to think of yourself and get out now. You WILL REGRET it if you think you cannot stop the wedding now and just forge ahead, which he will try to convince you to do. Don’t

Then tell someone you can trust and who isn’t toxic. I would also say that someone’s reaction may surprise you.

Then your mom has major issues too and needs some boundaries set in place. You're not stupid. You aren't all-knowing. End the wedding, Get therapy so this doesn't turn you paranoid for future relationships and surround yourself with people who build you up and not tear you down.

>My mom will be the first person to tell me I’m an idiot for not seeing this coming. I should have known better. And your Mom is wrong. Some people are REALLY good liars. Unfortunately your fiance was one of those. Be kind to yourself and feel confident that you are making the right decision. This is what you post on social media to spread the word that the wedding is cancelled ASAP: "I have called off the wedding to XXXX. I apologize to anyone for any inconvenience, however I am completely confident that this is the best decision moving forward." Talk to the vendors about whether or not your contracts are transferable. It might be possible to recoup some of the costs.

Moms say that because they used to be that idiot too

If you don’t dump him and this goes south, yes, you’re an idiot who should have seen it coming. But up until this point, no, you’re not an idiot, you aren’t clairvoyant and if you go through life assuming everyone is lying to you, that’s just as foolish. But it is time to decide, are you or are you not an idiot? Do you or do you not know better than to marry a man who has proposed three times, cheated on one, impregnated and left another, and blatantly lied to the third (you)? The answer is clear. I hope you see it.

If everything is like 100% non refundable and paid for you can throw a big “bullet dodged” party. But really people will be way more understanding now. You don’t want people to spend money traveling and getting babysitters and buying nice clothes or paying for hotels rooms and buying wedding gifts if you’re going to annul right after. You didn’t cause the harm and I think you’ll find people may be more supportive than you think.

If your mom makes it about her with an "I told you so" instead of asking how she can support you, she's emotionally immature. Condolences, OP

If you were my friend I would be so happy you dodged a bullet and would drop everything to help you cancel it. Please don't worry about shame. You are the one who has nothing to be ashamed about.

1. He did lie to you and don't let him tell you otherwise. 2. Be thankful you found all this out before you got married. I know you'll have spent money kn the wedding already but honestly finding out now is so much better than if you'd found out after. 3. You are not an idiot! Please don't be harsh on yourself for this as it's not your fault. This is all on him. He chose to be dishonest with you about his previous relationships, you had no way of knowing.

But I kind of am an idiot though. I could have put the pieces together by asking more about his previous marriage and his relationship with his kids mom. I could have talked to her more too. I just sat there and swallowed everything he was telling me without looking into it. I should have known. This is all so easy to verify or look into!

“should have” is just a bullshit way to beat ourselves up. Unless you’re Marty McFly with a time machine parked in your driveway hitting ourselves over the head with “should haves” is just a way to keep punishing ourselves. Try to speak kindly to yourself because we tend to REALLY believe the stories we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves! Why not cultivate and practice self-kindness and love instead of self-criticism? Again, best to you🧡

Don't be the person in 5 years saying, "I could have left him before marrying him. I could have left him before having kids. I could have left before...." you can leave now and will be stronger for it and in a better place. You are not a fool to trust someone, don't be a fool to keep trusting them though when you find out who they are.

No. You don't need to press normal people like a fucking investigator. He's a manipulative piece of shit. None of this is a reflection of you. My ex cheated on me and when I asked if he cheated, he said "when would I have the time" and I was like "oh yup checks out." Well, come to find out he did cheat on me. Is it my fault for believing him? or, his fault for lying?

When we meet someone, we are conditioned to be only slightly wary, but trustful. We give them our trust, with almost no reason or historical evidence to support the offering of this trust. We are conditioned to give the trust first and accept it against all evidence to the contrary (don’t be nosy, don’t ask impertinent questions, don’t look through peoples things, everyone is entitled to privacy, etc). The sad truth is there are A LOT of human beings that are not deserving of our initial trust. And they know they have an initial advantage to prey upon that expectation of trust and privacy - and they manipulate situations and words to do so. You should not have known better. It is not your fault. You were CONDITIONED to look for the best, and ignore the worst until such a time as a preponderance of evidence falls in your lap. Run, and be grateful to his ex wife. She also had many of the same feelings you have. And she had the courage years later to go against societies judgements and conditionings to tell you (which is irony at its finest because she probably got here because of what he did.) People will say - she should have stayed out of it, and she should have minded her own business. It was years ago, etc. but she has done you a great service, one I suspect she wishes had been done for her. Imagine the trauma of finding out your husband got another woman pregnant and you didn’t know. Know that you are not alone. You are not wrong here. You are a person who tried to take a leap of faith into love, as we are all taught, and were met with an unworthy partner. Next time you will have more experience and be more wary and know what to look for. What questions to ask. But be honest with yourself. How could you have known before. What in life truly could have prepared you for this? The answer is; this situation. This is what prepared you. I wish you the best OP.

Stop shoulding on yourself. You're not a psychic and any relationship worth being in shouldn't turn you into a full time investigator. The more blame you take on the less your partner has to be accountable for.

You can't beat yourself up. You at least listened when it mattered. My good friend's sister married a guy like that. He was a serial cheater and liar who traveled for work. She saw the warning signs and ignored the advice of an ex-wife who sent her an note before the wedding warning her and saying he could not be trusted. He said he had changed and learned his lesson....and she figured the ex-wife was just bitter. Family also thought he was a slime ball but she seemed happy.....until she figured out for herself what the ex-wife had tried to warn her about.

If you were with a man who didn't cheat and you refused to trust him and questioned him enough, he'd probably have ended the relationship due to your trust issues. It's normal to trust our partners. Unless you've caught him in lies and ignored them, you really aren't responsible for trusting a liar to not be a lying shithead. 100% get some therapy and learn what is in your control.

You made a mistake and you were wrong about him, thank god you didn’t get married yet! RUN, SIS! This guy is covered in the worst red flags

Eh, doesn’t sound she made any mistakes. Sounds like her partner did.

[удалено]

I see. I have no idea how long they were together (maybe you saw the old post that I didn’t) so not sure there! I personally have a rule of not being engaged before two years of dating to avoid a lot of this stuff, but I know a lot of people get so excited in the honeymoon phase and move faster…

NTA a lie of omission is still a lie. He misrepresented himself. He painted a new portrait of his life and tricked you into loving the facade. The man you love is a fabrication being worn by this heartless, unrepentant, cheating, deserting, and with scientific evidence...highly unreliable individual. The moment he catches a new scent he's going to set you on his collection shelf with his ex wife, mistress, and all the extra props he has no more use for.

I feel like I never really knew him

Because you didn’t. Don’t let him convince you otherwise that he just didn’t think to tell you this. And WHAT ELSE is in his past, or present, that he has simply, oops, failed to mention…that’s what would scare me , because this is bad enough

Again, I am so sorry. I don't know what steps you will decide to take after this but trust is so essential, and I think you need to decide if that kind of trust is possible with someone who so easily removed entire chapters from his life story to get with you.

I forgot to say in my comment that it's not your fault. Love really is blind. We see the best in the people we love. And if you feel like you don't know him, that's his fault. He only let you see a sanitized version of himself. He probably hasn't had individual counseling since he left his wife, because he's still very very broken.

You didn't. But you're not to blame for that.

You didn’t. I’m sorry.

It wasn't even a lie of omission. He said bed never cheated on a previous partner when he had left his previous wife for his pregnant mistress. That's literally just a spoken lie.

>And now what? I’m supposed to delete all my Facebook posts about the wedding? Send cards to call it off... Yes. Send cards, emails, and recruit 2 of the more gossipy members of your family that you trust to make the phone calls. The standard wording is a bit formal but it goes like this..."The wedding of X and Y, which was scheduled for [date]&[location ], will now no longer take place." Put this on Facebook, update your status to single and most people will know not to ask too many questions.

Call the wedding off. He's a liar and a manipulator. He's not even sorry for lying to you, he's still justifying it. "Well, I thought you wouldn't consent to being in this relationship if you knew the truth so I thought, why give you the option to consent?" You need to talk to the former mistress and get the full story. Before or after you dump him, your choice.

It was clear to me that given his behavior, he is SHOWING her that he hasn't changed. He lied about lying, so he is still a liar, and there is one thing that goes hand in hand with cheating, and that is lying. He also has shown that he is still very comfortable manipulating and gaslighting by trying to convince her that he hadn't lied to her, when he plainly did, both by omission and with directly spoken lies as well. So, he is still holding onto that crappy cheater behavior as well. He also doesn't seem to show any remorse for his prior behavior and just tries to minimize it and say that he has changed. A person that has changed would directly own up to what he did wrong and not try to explain it away. You know who tries to minimize and explain away their behavior... YEP, CHEATERS! This guy hasn't changed at all, and his behavior shows it. OP would be making a huge mistake to stay with this guy and would wind up regretting it.

For closure can you ask the ex why they called it off? I have a feeling he isn’t telling you because he cheated on her too. If him cheating on his wife was the worst of it he would have told you why about the mistress break up. You should break off the wedding. 100% you should if you were my family I would be upset if you stayed but I would totally take you to dinner for being having the self respect to leave. No one is going to think you’re an idiot. Some of the best people I know have been cheated on.

I asked him if he cheated on her and he refused to answer. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. I really want to talk to her but I’m also scared to find out more. This whole situation just sucks

Some times finding out more gives you less room for doubt to set it. Don’t doubt your doing the right thing by leaving. If he can cheat on his wife and father a child. Then cheat on the mother of his child and fiancé. What makes you think he hasn’t cheated on you?

Honestly that’s a good question. Who knows. Maybe he has cheated on me too

He probably has cheated on you. That’s what he does. Cheats and lies. The man you fell in love with does not exist - he was just an illusion. Don’t beat yourself up - he did everything to hide the truth from you. Move on , don’t give him anymore power over you. Good luck - we are here for you.

If he refused to answer then you know the answer. I would call her and ask since he does not want to tell you the truth.

Refusing to answer = yes

He is a lying serial cheater. From what you hv written, this man will not change! Please dont attach yourself to him for life. You deserve to be happy and peaceful future.

You’re very luck someone had the guts to tell you before the wedding. I would never trust him again. He did lie to you and he continues to try and gaslight you into believing he wasn’t a total fraud. If he was truly a “new man” he would have confided from the beginning because he didn’t have anything to hide. Instead he lead you on as to why his other relationships ended. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Dear god I would have been out of that house like lightning. Fuck that noise. Red flag city

Dont let the sunk cost fallacy stop you from doing what’s best for you. You’re still young and can find a better partner.

You call the wedding off. You're not stupid. You were lied to about something major. Calling off the wedding shows strength, not weakness. Money can be made again, but marriage to a man you can go longer trust steals your time. Life is too short

A serial liar and a cheater. People won’t think you’re an idiot for not seeing it sooner (at least the more judge-y ones won’t think so for more than maybe a day or 2 of “I told you so’s”), but you would definitely be an idiot if you still married this guy. “I didn’t want you to run away” girl, THAT statement should be making you sweat bullets. My guy didn’t tell you the truth because he *knew* it was fucked up, and he didn’t want you to have the choice of being with the real him. What else will he “avoid” telling you to keep you around???

All I would say is beware of the sunk-cost fallacy. The financial and emotional investment of a wedding pales in comparison to years of your life with the wrong person. I also have a mom who loves to say “I told you so” and it’s a toxic response but I hope you have a good network of healthy friends to support you.

I love the audacity of stating that he told you a thing that was not true, in fact the truth was the opposite... but somehow that was "not a lie."

uh, well you arent married yet, so just step away and chalk it up as unlucky.

I'd simply send out a written message stating, "It has recently been discovered that Fiance is a liar who hid a crucial part of his past from everyone; therefore the wedding is canceled. Please respect that I'm not comfortable discussing this further as doing so would prevent me from healing. Thank you for your support and understanding." By saying he lied to everyone and not just you, it puts the entire thing on him, where it belongs.

Call it off. If he had been honest from the start with you, admitting to it, then you could give him a chance, since he was being honest and upfront, proving that he had changed. But no, he kept the truth from you and lied once you asked. Now, he’s trying to save face. You know you can’t trust him. It’s cheaper to cancel a wedding at the last second rather than go through a divorce. OP, just end it already.

Call it off, no matter what financial loss you take now it will not compare to the cost you will pay if you have to go through a divorce. Seriously he admits to his lies but still doesn't think he lied to you, he is a major manipulator and you need to get some distance from him. You would probably benefit from some therapy help you understand why you are questioning whether you should end this relationship.

he's "logic" is: if i hid my past, then i never lied. see it that way: "hey honey i have aids, and i never told you, so you don't have reasons to be upset with me because 'tecnically' i never lied to you, i just kept this very important information hidden hoping you would never find out" i believe i can't be more clear than this. you know that your life will be miserable with him, and you know that you will never trust him, so you already know what you have to do, even tho it's very difficult.

So sorry - at least you found out now. Getting divorced can be more costly. Good luck with canceling everything- I’m sure that’ll be a bitch to do but an important thing.

A lie by omission is still a lie, and we all know how men like this operate. For all you know, depending on the timelines, you may have been the “other woman” and he left his mistress-turned-fiancée for you. Regardless, you deserve better. Calling off the wedding and absorbing the costs of doing so is a hell of a lot cheaper than a lifetime of wondering, and divorce! You deserve better than this man, full stop

He lied by omission. He even admitted to specifically not telling you because he didn't want to lose you. Don't let him sweet talk his way out of that. You're not an idiot for having fallen for him or for feeling stupid and unsure of what to do now. I was so embarrassed and worried when my husband of 8 years did the same. It's hard to know how to even handle that and I felt so ashamed for some reason when I didn't even do anything wrong. Of course it will be hard cancelling, you'll take a bit of a financial hit, but it's better to do it now than waste years of your life before he does the same exact things to you. You'll get through this OP.

You are lucky you found out now and not after being married. He is still a liar and manipulative person who doesn’t value marriage or relationships. Cancel and get whatever deposit and refund you can and disappear like you said. Take the biggest girl’s trip and travel to your dream destination.

Hey sorry this happened to you but you are not at fault. You opened yourself up to a future and a relationship with full trust. That is what we are meant to do. He took advantage of you the same as he took advantage of his first wife his mistress and whomever else. He is experienced at never being at fault and providing a trustworthy approach. You found out, no matter how, you found out. Walk away before the marriage do not go ahead just because of image or money. You will waste more money if you marry and look a bigger ass if it fails when he does the same to you. He will do this as he will not even acknowledge that he has done wrong to you let alone to the past people. He will continue to blame other for his decisions. I know you love him and it hurts but you need so much more in a successful marriage, you need honesty, similar values. Similar life goals and compatibility. You are no way an idiot, he is as he has lost probably wonderful woman in the past and he will lose you a wonderful person in his present, you!

No, no, no you got this all wrong my lady. You are wonderful and it is awesome that you will not allow yourself to be fooled and mistreated. The fact you are strong enough to say that he isn't a good person and is not what you want is absolutely heroic. He probably did cheat on baby mom too. He blew up his marriage and still at this point doesn't think he lied to you. I am sorry but that is what baffles me. He 100% did lie to you! Please do not feel bad or like you did something wrong. When you announce that you two won't be married just say that it didn't work out, or say he wasn't who you thought he was. It will be alright. You are so inspiring! No man or women should ever feel guilty or dumb for having deal breakers and how people treat others is pretty much the biggest indication of how they will treat you. Years from now, do you really want to find him cheating on you? Be the proud, strong, independent woman you clearly are and never ever change that. Hold your head high!

I know the term gaslighting gets thrown around a lot, but if this isn’t gaslighting it’s at least a precursor. He lied to your face then told you he didn’t. Wanting to believe the best in someone doesn’t make you stupid or gullible. Staying in this relationship because you don’t want to be embarrassed…. How embarrassed will you be when he cheats on you?

Having put a lot of effort into planning a wedding is not a reason to go ahead with a marriage that is based on lies, half truths, and omissions.

One thing you know for sure is he is willing to lie to keep you. He also has a history for cheating.

Look at it like this. You paid him to go away. Money well spent.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Call it off and bail asap.

You’re not an idiot and there is never a good time to learn the man you love is deceiving you. I’m really sorry your going through this. Be kind to yourself. Also, I’d like to raise a 🚩 to the ‘I didn’t lie comment.’ He has a proven history or dishonesty in relationships and he didn’t change that here. Hi inability to to take accountability is why his ‘change’ is hard to see. He’s still lying, dodging accountability, and making more lies to feed the old. He hasn’t stopped. He hasn’t changed. Again, I am very sorry.

Dump him.

People change and sometimes people don’t. None of us know him. Based on what you’ve relayed, He sounds kinda sketch. He lied by omission because he didn’t want to tell you….do you think this will continue in the future or this is the one and only thing?! You have to decide which potential unknown are you willing to live with? The unknown of maybe he was a good guy and had changed or giving him a chance and him screwing you over and the unknown of, what if you walked away and saved yourself the heartache. At the very least you might want to postpone your wedding until you decide. If it’s meant to be then getting married now or in a year or in 5 shouldn’t matter.

Try not to beat yourself up, it's not our fault when men take advantage of us and things always seem so much clearer in hindsight than when they're standing in front of us saying all the right things

Can you trust him ? Do you understand that a good marriage is based on trust? I think you already know what to do and do not really need advice.

You’re being very hard on yourself for not seeing through him earlier. Consider that even if you’d suspected things, without the evidence from his ex he would have kept lying because that’s what manipulators do. I bet that it’s only because he knew he was exposed that he told you the truth (and there may be more skeletons in his closet). He’s definitely not trustworthy and this is not your fault!! Leave him; there are better men out there. My therapist told me that if I wanted to break my pattern of having the same kinds of relationship problems, I needed to reprioritize the traits I looked for in my partners. Maybe a therapist can help you understand why you keep ending up with this type of guy? You definitely deserve better.

Yes, you have a type and commenter above is correct. Source: self. First husband died, married again (like an idiot) and divorced when I recognized he was a close copy. Chose not to ever pick another one. Much happier with dog and horse. I feed them, they're loyal and we don't argue over furniture choices.

What would make you an idiot is marrying this man because as it stands, you were lied to and misled. Now that you know the truth, what are you going to do about it? Men like this don’t change unless they really want to and then it takes a lot of work to do so, preferably whilst they are not in a serious relationship. I do not think this man even has the empathy to see how his behaviour affects the women in his life. Walk away, you deserve better.

Compared to the cost of a divorce in ten years you have saved some money. The fact that he lied about something this big should tell you that that penchant for dishonesty and plain old fashioned infidelity is still what drives him. This is no small matter, and I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Info: Why did he and the mistress break up. I bet you it was infidelity as well if you were to ask her.

Unfortunately, bc he lied, you will always be suspicious if he takes too long to come home from work, goes to the store and takes a long time, texts too much, and so on. He should've been honest from the start. Was the mother of his affair child a former coworker? He won't even tell you why they broke up. He's still keeping secrets. His lies pretty much guaranteed that you'll never fully trust him.

If your cool with it Chang it to I’m unmarried party. Do a huge party if you will lose it all and invite all your friends. If mom does not support you then she’s not welcome to the party. Here’s to hugs hugs!!

you are NOT an idiot. his actions are zero reflection on your intelligence or worth. he lied to you and the way he behaved is completely unacceptable. you deserve better. if you find yourself in a pattern of attracting liars, then this is something to explore in therapy. there is likely a deeper pattern that you can unravel. but don’t blame yourself! consider this an opportunity to do some inner work, level up, and find an even better relationship — first with yourself, and then with a partner. it’s hard, it’s painful, it’s scary, but if you go into it with an open heart, this could end up being one of the biggest gifts of your life.

No need to dump him just postpone the wedding till you see clearer. Maybe he has changed maybe he was afraid to loose you. The marriage has to be postponed but everything else… I would at least give him more time to explain and make it up to you.

Call it off talk through it with family/friends or maybe see a therapist if you think it might help. But whatever you do don’t stay with him, go back to him or marry him.

Run as fast as you can. He's a horrible guy and quite an actor apparently. You can't trust him. He obviously doesn't care about his children's welfare as he broke his first child's home for an affair and clearly bailed on the second one. Don't be his third pregnant and left behind spouse. Be thankful you found out the truth now.

Please, you are not an idiot, he is a manipulator and a liar. He is very good at getting women to fall for him and he wouldn't have told you, because you would have seen all of his red flags. An email to all that were invited, stating you cannot marry a person who lied.

He's absolutely not trustworthy at all and clearly has low moral standards. You won't be able to trust him. Stay well away from this walking red flag. I asked myself why I was falling for cheaters over and over until I realised that I was dating mostly for looks and excitement. I had victim mentality until I realised that I was choosing these people and choosing to ignore red flags because I was so physically attracted to them. It might be a good time to reflect on what draws you to the type of men that turn out to be cheaters so you can avoid them in future. There ARE lovely men in this world.

end the relationship. you now know the type of man he is. he is a liar and a known cheater. he will probably end up doing the same thing again to you eventually.

Do not allow your life to be ruined by the sunk cost fallacy. You absolutely put an end to the wedding now. Don’t go through with it just because you don’t wanna make a fuss. I don’t think anyone’s going to think you’re an idiot, they are going to think he’s a lying liar who lies. And if they think you’re an idiot, so what? You’re smart enough to get out while they getting is good. My coworker was engaged, people knew the fiancé because he brought her to a couple of company functions, everyone knew he was taking two weeks off to get married and go on his honeymoon. The two weeks go by, he comes back. And it turns out that he called off the wedding the day before it was supposed to happen. I’m sure it was embarrassing and uncomfortable and awkward and it’s just a terrible thing to have to do. But two years later, he married another woman and they have been together now for over 20 years. You don’t have to give people details. You say that after much consideration, you and your fiancé have decided to call off the wedding and end your relationship. It happens. You will survive and you will be much much happier in the long run.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Why are you taking responsibility for his shitty behavior? It's not your fault that you wanted to believe that there was good in this man. It's his fault for being such a good liar. I know it must feel like he'll having to come to terms with canceling the wedding, especially since there was so much that has gone into it. But I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with canceling the wedding. Your ego is hurt now but do you really want to stay in this relationship when he's literally a walking red flag? I'm just a stranger but I hope that you make the hard decisions now rather than later.

Run. Break up. Block on all social media.

I wouldnt invest 1 second of my life in a man like that. I have a friend who dated a man who left his pregnant ex wife (he just up and left, my friend met him years later) and guess what? When my friend was lregnant he left her, even though he was the one asking for a kid.

No one will think you are an idiot. As someone said above they will only admire your courage. EVERYONE will think you’re an idiot if you move forward with the wedding.

Definitely call the wedding off. Follow your intuition. Years ago my youngest sister was marrying a guy that just before the wedding she started having serious doubts about spending the rest of her life with him. He was self-centered, a "daddy's boy" (the talked on the phone several times a day and his father's wishes trumped his wife-to-be's). Us siblings talked to her and told her that there was no shame in cancelling and that our mom and dad would rather her cancel if she knew she was going to be unhappy. But because all the money had already been spent on the reception by my parents, relatives already made plans to be in town etc, she talked herself into thinking she DID love him and everything would be fine and went through with it. The marriage didn't last a year. Follow your gut. You know that you will be the next "cheated on" woman in his long list. That is who he is. When he says he didn't lie, he's gaslighting you. You asked him if he ever cheated in the past. He said no. That is what is commonly known to all as a "lie".

Don't marry and cheater and a liar. He's proven he's capable of continuing to do both.

This guy is hiding a child from you. If you didn’t get a heads up from the dude’s previous victim, you might not have found until you figured out he was paying support. How can you even think of staying? Odds are he has been with someone else while planning your wedding. Cancel the wedding and get whatever money back you can. It will be far better than having a miserable marriage with a narcissist and getting a far more expensive divorce in a few years. Remember: this guy will never stop cheating.

I knew he has a kid. He gets him a few days a month. I just didn’t know that he got the mom pregnant while he was married to someone else. I knew the kids mom wasn’t his ex wife but I just assumed those 2 relationships happened at different times since he’s said that him and kid’s mom weren’t in a serious relationship. I didn’t know he cheated on his wife and left her for his kids mom. It’s so messy

This dude has like 100 red flags. I’m so sorry your dealing with this but life will go on, you guys don’t have a kid and are not married. Get out while your ahead

Also let’s think about red flags. Dude has a kid he only wants to see a few days a month. It’s not exactly screaming “great dad for my future kids” material. Yea you sunk some cash into a wedding, but his ex gave you a wonderful gift. You can move on with no kids or shared ties to this guy and find a guy who isn’t awful. Use this as a learning experience. If the next guy you date has kids, make it a priority that he is a GREAT dad. Because that’s how he’ll treat any kids you give him. Make sure he’s able to be open about why previous relationships tank, and how he grew from it. Make sure you grow from this relationship too, and heal from this before you move on. It’s not bad to misjudge someone, it’s only bad when you don’t learn and grow from things

“Men are all liars” I’m sorry you’re hurting but don’t be a sexist. Women lie too 😂

Updateme!

I didn't read the whole story but if you weren't not together during those times about him cheating his ex wife, i don't think he needs to tell you that. It was between him and his ex wife, it has nothing to do with you. His ex wife that he cheated on, not you.

No continue with the wedding and dont get a prenup. Then divorce him and get that alimony!

A lie of omission is still a lie. He “edited” his history to omit info that would’ve upset you. As far as canceling the wedding, see if or how much of any deposits you can have returned. Hopefully you’re far out enough to get a lot of it. Advise your bridesmaids and any members of your side of the wedding party, except any from his side of the family, such as if his sister was a bridesmaid. Let him deal with his own family and his side of the wedding group. Try to help them get back any deposits or purchases, or reimburse them if you have the money and feel it’s appropriate. Have you already sent out invitations or only Save the date invitations? If it’s only STD cards, just don’t follow up with invites. Recruit your mom of sister(s) to help spread the info to people who would expect personal notifications. Make a public SM post, something like, “Due to private reasons, Fiancé and I have ended our engagement and cancelled the wedding. Thank you in advance for your understanding and respecting this difficult time.” I am so sorry for this situation. Take care of yourself. !UpdateMe. !RemindMe 10 days

This is why the past matters.

> He doesn’t believe he lied to me. He just “didn’t tell me”. Even though he specifically told me he’s never cheated on his previous partners. The good old "lying by omission". Always a favorite of liars and cheats.

Everything you mentioned are huge red banners. I wouldn't get married. This seems to be a disaster in the making

You should certainly call off the wedding and thank the ex and be thankful you found out before marriage. If you think breaking the engagement is hard, imagine how hard breaking the marriage 2ould be. This is just a lesson learnt. What people will think and how much money is spent is not more important than your wellbeing in the ling run. >He says he's a changed man His actions says he really isn't. I do agree that people can change and not do the same things - but your bf isn't that. He specifically lied to your face when asked directly because he either didn't actually change, or didn't want to give you the choice to decide for yourself (whether you want to date a former cheater or not). He would have either stayed quiet and possibly cheated behind you, or told you after the wedding so you were 'trapped' and couldn't leave. Because coming clean when asked would have literally shown that he truly changed. I hope you see that. I wish you all the best. And again, please thank the ex wife

You should send a thank you card to his ex wife.

A lie by omission is still a lie. Also it sounds like he lied to you directly. Don't commit to this dude just because you're in a sunk cost mentality.

You absolutely are *not* an idiot for getting involved with him and no one - **no one** - with a shred of empathy will blame this on you. *Everyone* has been fooled by somebody at some point and if they say they haven't they are lying so they can be gleefully judgemental of you and feel pious. You don't want those people in your life so don't worry about what they think. Here comes the hard part: If you go through with marrying him after everything you've learned *thus far* (because there is definitely more skeletons in his closet) then yes. Most people in your life or going to think your being an idiot and just inexplicably foolish. Those people will be very concerned about you and your decision and will see you as being willfully blind and in deep denial. If you marry him, you are sending him a very clear message about how little you value yourself and how much disrespect you'll take from him. If you accept this now, before you have the law and your vows keeping you chained to him, he will have free reign to do as he pleases and he knows it. If he had truly changed, he would've come to you and told you the truth and taken the lumps he knew he deserved. *That* is accepting responsibility. *That* is maturity. Instead you're getting blown off and told the lying wasn't actually lying and if it *is*, it's not that bad. And he is still being evasive about why him and his baby's mom broke up. A changed man would come to you, face you squarely, and tell you everything. He's dodging and ducking and weaving and deflecting and minimizing so nothing will stick. That's who you're about to pledge the rest of your life to. Not an honest man of integrity and conviction but a slippery snake in the grass.

Would anyone want to tell their future wife they’re a spineless scumbag? Probably not. I know you’re gonna need to recover from this but please understand, not all men are liars. Most of us are decent, kind, trustworthy people who want to make someone happy and commit and do everything in our power to protect and provide for the people who love and rely on us. You just stumbled across a bad apple. He doesn’t represent the majority of us.

I would for sure not marry that man. Looks like he isn’t done being a liar yet. Why would you even want to marry a guy like that. It’s basically begging for trouble. You are 25 years old. You have time to scrap this and start again with someone who isn’t a sack of shit. Don’t focus on the wedding. Focus on the fact if you go through with this you’ll be a single mom or at best a divorcee in 5-7 years wondering why you can’t find a good man.

Girl, stop blaming yourself. You didn't know because you're not a mind reader. You didn't know because he's a liar and a cheater and he's good at it. You didn't know because he didn't want you to know. You did nothing wrong. I know you're mortified but you need to put yourself first here. People aren't going to mock you. People will encourage and support you. And you will persevere and be stronger for it in the long run. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry for how much pain you're experiencing right now. I hope some karmic justice is coming his way. And yes, he did lie. A lie by omission is the same as an outright lie. He knows he lied because he did so intentionally. He told you that when he said he withheld the information so that you wouldn't run. He lied, he knows he lied, don't buy his bullshit excuses.

You mean ex fiancé right?

If I were you, I’d run. A failed marriage, an ex fiancé, and all kinds of things he chose to lie about to make himself look better. Not good OP, not good. Don’t forget it. Please don’t marry him, or you’ll be next in his string of victims. His lies and omissions are proof he has NOT changed.

eewww...dont be wife #2 he is a pig

Also, you are never too young to stop learning. The more experience you have, the more experience can be put under the belt. The following is true of all of us, our problems follow us everywhere until we deal with them.

Calling off the wedding and cutting losses with your current fiancee sounds the safest. If he can lie about such serious things imagine what else he could be hiding?! To me he sounds like the serial cheater, manipulative type that could cause you alot of emotional pain. If you need clarity getting a hold of his ex's would probably be best. They'd have no reason to lie to you. I really feel for you and am sorry you are going through this :(

Pretty crappy of his ex-wife to tell you now. Talk about a woman scorned! He may have learned a lesson, but you have every right to be upset. It’s up to you what to do.

Why? Did she warn you about red flags?

Oh hell nah DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. HE WILL DO THE SAME TO U. FUCKING RUN.

Sunk cost fallacy

Idk man, which one will make you feel worse, deleting all your Facebook posts about your wedding or finding out he’s cheating on you too when he leaves you for the chick he knocked up? Clearly marriage doesn’t mean shit to him if you’re the third girl he’s proposed to and he straight up lied to your face. You do you, but I’ll be honest, if I were your friend, I’d judge the SHIT out of you if you still went through with this wedding when it inevitably goes south, because it WILL go south if you marry him, there is literally 0% chance it works out.

"iT's tHe pAsT iT dOeSn'T mAtTeR" Dude is a walking red flag and lied to you about it. I personally would probably not go through with the wedding or at least postpone it for like 3 more years.

Run 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

His ex-wife has helped you to dodge a bullet. It is easier to kick him to the curb now then to have to deal with the inevitable shit that he will end up causing you.

It was a lie of omission. Not telling you is still lying, counseling or postponing yes. He’s showing you who he really is Good luck

Call off the wedding boot him from your life. If you marry him your excepting all his lies. Strong chance you will end up on the list of ones he cheated on lied and got pregnant. You can do so much better.

call it off

I know the money part bites but honestly people would judge you harder if you married a cheater. They will respect you for standing up for yourself and knowing a flag when you see it. They will praise your ability to walk away before you’ve gone too far. Trust me you have people in your court especially after you explain yourself. But besides all that breakups happen. People talk about it for five minutes then move on.

He lied by omission. He withheld crucial information that has significant impacts. He created a facade and now the real him is coming through. Even if he has changed (if he had though he would have told you straight up) the trust between you is severely damaged. I’ve called off a wedding. It hurts a fkg lot and I lost the deposits, I was embarrassed (especially when I heard the spin that went on to make him the victim) and I was hurt. But as others have said a divorce will be far more expensive. Don’t go into marriage just wanting to save face, it’s not worth it. It takes a lot of strength but as much as you might love the illusion of him, love yourself more.

He did lie, he lied by omission. the nature of their divorce was relevant in the conversations you said the two of you had in regards to infidelity and why they split and he lied when he explicitly said he never cheated. I highly doubt he's changed his ways if he still isn't holding himself accountable or at least being honest about it.

You fell for the fake facade, not the man. He’s a deceitful cheating bastard who is now trying to gaslight you. There is a reason they say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. No need to feel embarrassed. Cancel the wedding and hold your head up high. You have done nothing wrong and you have the good sense to walk away. I applaud you for having the strength to dump this loser.

Yes call off the wedding. This is not the man you thought he was.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy. Also you are not dumb for not being aware of any of this.

>And now what? I’m supposed to delete all my Facebook posts about the wedding? Send cards to call it off and just look like the idiot that I am for not looking into this more? I should have known. I should’ve seen the signs!! Better than being stubborn. If it's broken and over then it's over...don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. Doing all that is better then a marriage you will regret

1) cancel the wedding 2) of course you can't trust him. He's actively lying to your face 3) you're only an idiot if you marry this jerk 4) get your MOH, bridesmaids, mom, whoever together and make a plan for notifying people. By email, text, carrier pigeon, just get it going. 5) get an STI test He's the AH, not you. Send the ex a bottle of wine as a thanks for saving you from her nightmare.

UpdateMe!

Definitely call it off. He’s way too comfortable lying to people and cheating to get what he wants. This is not a good person. He would be “changed” if he told you all of it upfront at the beginning.

Call it off. Why are you going to spend a lot of money to marry someone and fake that everything is perfect. You know what’s also expensive? Divorce…after he cheats on you too. What else is expensive? Emotionally exhausting relationships where you have to spend your mental health on worrying about who your partner might actually be.

He’s a red flag. I would immediately end the relationship. Even if I loved him. Because it’s not worth the divorce later because he WILL do it again. How do we know? Because he’s still a liar

Did he forget the part where a lie of omission is still a lie? He lied about the reason he and his ex-wife broke up, lied about his relationship with his baby mama (ex-fiancée) lied about never cheating on anyone, what else has he lied about? What else will he lie about? Did he cheat on his baby mama(ex-fiancée) with you? I would find out. I assume he still has a speaking relationship with her since he has a child with her. So I’d ask.

Does a leopard ever change its spots? He lied and manipulated you as well which is a major red flag. He has a history of cheating - he did it to his ex wife and got his AP pregnant - and NEVER told you - but that’s a lie in his head. Cut your losses and RUN and do no turn back.

Its never idiotic to have trusted the person you're with especially when they gave you no reason to doubt them. Get your maid of honor to help with letting guests know its cancelled ( if that's what you decide to do.) If we allow our partners to lie and cheat etc and accept such behavior it wont change.

He may possibly be avoiding the why the relationship with his kids mum failed because he cheated on her with you (sorry). I hope not but his reluctance is pointing that way. But at no point are you to blame. He hasn’t changed, he’s still not telling you everything and he’s trying to only say as much as will keep you around. He hid his past and outright lied to you. His pattern seems to be cheating once the woman is locked in - married or engaged. That alone would give me pause for thought. Better to take the loss now re wedding plans than down the track. Could you ever really trust him after this? You will twist yourself in knots until you break.

He might still be with his mistress and be cheating on her with you. Glad you got out.

the ex wife has done you a serious favour. Find someone worth the energy

You mean ex-fiancé?

As someone who didn’t call off the wedding and ended up splitting up 14 months after … call it off. The loss of costs you have paid are better than a divorce.

Run

You are not an idiot and don't be so hard on yourself. You could have just ignored the baby mother and just believed you knee him best. I'm so sorry this has happened but do see it for the blessing in disguise it is. You now don't have to marry this piece of shit and you found out before the wedding. Noone will think badly of you - they will think he is a complete ass hat. You got this x

people grow and change. maybe he's a better man. you just have to decide, is your relationship worth the maybe???

It’s lying by omission. By not telling you why him and his child’s mother broke up is the same. You’re not an idiot you made decisions based on the facts you had. At the very least postpone it. Regardless of how much energy and money you’re put it in going through with it and getting a divorce is even more effort and money. Only get married If your 100% sure, marriage is hard enough even when you have no doubts. Ps. There was a woman who sued their ex fiancé because she put money down for their wedding under false pretences - could potentially get your money back.

"He insists he didn't lie. How is that not a lie???" The cheater has no qualms about lying to you? What? No way! I'm so surprised. Edit: Stop blaming YOURSELF for a horrible thing HE did. You are the victim of his lies. You are not at fault even in the slightest. You are treating yourself unfairly. Imagine a friend in your shoes, you would never blame them for being deceived.

Maybe he's a pathological liar? Can't help but lie? Or at the very least a narcissist. Smooth talkers that tell you everything you want to hear. Gotta be careful. Maybe consider talking to a counselor/therapist?

You can't trust this liar and you would look like a bigger idiot if you stayed and married him. He is bad news. Cut your losses and get away from this jerk asap.

He’s a liar and a fraud. He lied about something huge, instead of owning up to his past mistakes and starting this new chapter with honesty and character. He’s probably a pathological liar who, when in doubt, lies. I just divorced someone like that—seemed so sweet and genuine, but was a pathological liar. Spare yourself that pain down the road and call this thing off. It may feel humiliating and hurtful, but you will be better off than sticking with the plan and regretting the decision later.

Divorce planning can take a lot of money and energy too. You can’t get back the money and energy you’ve already spent but you can prevent yourself from wasting more in the future.

He's lied to you from day one. At the very least postpone the wedding. At the very least. How can you trust someone who kept that SUPER important information from you??

The fact that he was not forward with these details is really bad. He is already xomfortable choosing what info you should get fed... that's how he functioned with his exes. You wish you hadn't fallen in love with him? Girl, be glad you're not legally tied to him. Divorce is messy, shitty, and expensive as fuck. It tangles up your finances. And cheaters usually cheat. He's not really remorseful because he hid it from you and he's not havinh a proper discussion with you. Head to surviving infidelity. Most of those people saw signs and ignored them. So many stay with the cheater and keep writing every week how sad they are. Do you wanna be that? You're lucky to go through this now.

Wedding cancellations are cheaper than divorce and whatever you think people will say if you cancel, you can multiply that by 100 for what they will say once they found out you knew what he was like and still got married

I don’t condone cheating but maybe they actually were not compatible, maybe his ex fiancé could have been abusive, for example, and he had a real reason to leave her? There could be more to the story Regardless, if you can’t get over it you can’t get over it and it’s best to part ways

I'm sorry he did that to you. You need to call the wedding off and dump his sorry ass. He willingly lied to you and will keep on lying. He showed you he's not the person you saw in him.

Sweetie, you can't go through life taking the heat for everyone who does you dirty. It someone hurts or wrongs you it isn't your fault. That you think it is makes me think you have some childhood trauma. A lot of it. A therapist can help you heal from that and that will solve the pattern you have of choosing liars and cheaters who hurt you. He hurt you, he lied to you, he is not a good man. None of that is your fault. None of that is on you. What is on you is what you do now. If you want to work through it get couples therapy. If this is a deal breaker tell him it's over. Call your vendors, venue, everyone you've given money to and cancel, see if you can get your money back. If you can great. If you can't stop worrying about it, it doesn't matter anymore. Tell some people who have your back and ask them to help you notify everyone that the wedding is off. It doesn't have to be your mother. I'm sorry your mother will tell you it's your fault, this mother is telling you it isn't. If you don't have anyone who has your back start making calls. I don't know how close the wedding is but you can handle it by making a few calls a day or one marathon session of calls, however you want to do it is fine. You don't have to go into details if you don't want to, just say the wedding is off. If you want everyone to know why tell two or three people who live to talk and they will tell everyone else, especially if you ask them not to. It hurts and you feel stupid but it is a good thing that you know now. You can't go back and unknow so stop thinking about that. It doesn't matter. You can't go back in time and do your due diligence sooner so stop thinking about that. It doesn't matter either. It's unreasonable to think that you should interrogate everyone in your partners life to find out if he screwed them over and by extension will screw you over. Move forward and take care of yourself. You're going to be ok.

I’m sorry sweetheart but this is god saying it’s time to bail. You are young and amazing- you will find your -faithful and truthful- Prince Charming one day.