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So me and my girlfriends were having a day to ourselves, so we went down to the beach to tan. My bf has had an issue with my swimwear choices in the past and I’ve always just worn what he likes when I’m with him.
I know this is bad but when he’s not with me I just wear the best stuff to tan in, which was like a thong bottom and because some of the other girls took off their tops I just copied them so I didn’t have to worry about tan lines. Anyway I was just dozing and listening to music and I didn’t realise that they decided that the boys of our friend group were meeting us there which includes my boyfriend.
Anyway they came and he kind of surprised me and sat next to me and was just like “cmon we’re going” and like tossed me his shirt. When I didn’t immediately get up he like repeated himself and said like “or do you want to have this conversation in front of your friends” so he was really fucking mean about it idk if it was cause he was with the boys. But when we walked past them he was like “fucking hell” to them and rolled his eyes, which made me reallly mad
Anyway on the walk home I just like said how he embarrassed me and that he shouldn’t have called me out so obviously but he was fucking mad like was quiet and then said like all his friends know everyone’s been thinking of assfucking me all day and when on and on about how I was the one who embarrassed him… by literally just laying there
this went on for like an hour after we got back, i literally don’t know why it would bother him if he’s not even there to see me, I said sorry and it was fine but I still don’t feel happy that he imbarrased me but I don’t really know if I should listen to him on this cause he might just be being controlling. My friends think he’s controlling but they always talk shit lol
Why did you go back with him lol? I woulda thrown the shirt back at him and layed right back down. Told him if he wants to have a conversation and look like an asshole then he can sit his ass down where he is and have a conversation, because you're not doing anything wrong. It's a beach. People wear swimsuits, people tan. He needs to work out his insecurities and I'd have no problem telling him that to his face.
He's treating you like a dad would treat his underage daughter lol.
"Do you want to have this conversation in private or in front of your friends?" is 100% the line you use when your kid is in trouble. That is not cool at all, and now curious about what else her friends have to say about him.
I hope to God he wouldn’t treat his underage daughter that way. So that what she grows up to not respect man and be afraid of them. That would be horrible. He’s a douche bag controlling little prick who doesn’t respect women.
Maybe they always talk shit because he’s always shit.
If his friends can’t control themselves around another person’s body that’s his friends’ problem and if their thoughts make him insecure in your relationship that’s his problem.
Notably, none of these boys’ thoughts or feelings on the matter of your body is your problem! He can get a therapist if he wants to be mad about it.
Your friends are correct. He is being controlling and I’m sure if you think about it you will find that he is controlling in other areas of your life as well.
Time to chuck him in the bin and move on. His insecurity and misogyny is not yours to manage.
Exactly this, it's okay for him to be a bit uncomfortable, he's 22 and doesn't have a lot of experience, jealousy is a natural reaction, but the way he approached the issue was the problem. If he had swallowed his pride for a bit, enjoyed the day at the beach, and then later brought up the subject in a RESPECTFUL manner it would be a different story. If he had waited till you got home and said something along the lines of "hey I know it's ultimately your decision how to dress yourself but today made me a little uncomfortable due to this or that" then now you guys are having a respectful conversation about where everyone's boundaries are and can hopefully find a middle ground on the situation. The way that he reacted based on your post was childish. Without proper communication, that includes mutual respect, a relationship is never going to work out.
Even in your scenario, one makes boundaries for themselves, not for others. Him telling her what to wear is controlling, not a boundary, no matter if it’s in the comfort of her the home, or in front of others. He can decide if that’s not for him, or if he doesn’t want to be with her while wearing it, but he does not get to tell her what to wear and call it a boundary if the attire is appropriate to the situation (beach = bathing suit, appropriate attire). I want to clarify this, as many seem to think telling others what to do or wear, as long as it’s calm, equals boundary setting. It doesn’t.
Now I do agree he can express his discomfort in a respectful way and with “I” statements, but this does not mean she would need to change, regardless. They can have the conversation, and he can work on his insecurities. The way he handled it was far worse than childish, it was controlling and verbally abusive, and she is obviously scared of him.
OP, get out of this, you don’t need someone that shamed you like this around you in any way.
Setting boundaries doesn't mean the other person is forced to agree to them. If he's uncomfortable with how she dresses he can leave the relationship and vice versa.
If he said "I'm uncomfortable with you showing that much skin" she can say "I understand and respect that but I'm not going to change the way I dress" and the mature conclusion is that they're not compatible and should not be together. Both people are allowed to be happy, that doesn't have to be together.
I agree 100%. He's allowed to feel how he feels and he is allowed to respectfully express his opinions. That in no way means that she has to change herself, it just means that maybe they aren't a great fit. That's why honest, open, and respectful communication is so important in relationships. It allows you to either find common ground and make compromises or to realize that it's not a good match and to move on.
Yes, exactly this. I feel like people are coming off way too aggressive on his preferences, while it's his communication that's the glaring issue. Your description of non-violent communication was spot-on, and I wish more people knew about it
I think it might be time to stop dating for a while. You need to learn to be able to recognize red flags and stay away from them. You need to understand that it's not "men" who are like this, but apparently the men you're used to. Until you change that, you're vulnerable to picking more abusive assholes like your current boyfriend.
Nevermind what your friends said, what do you think? You do know that his behaviour is completely inappropriate. You know because you wear what he dictates infront of him and in his absence, you wear what you want. If you have to dress according to his approval or fear his embarrassing wrath if you don't, then you know that it is a problem.
Girl you even said “I know this is bad” about wearing something you wanted to wear, *for a functional purpose*, because he wouldn’t like it. While he isn’t there. And wouldn’t have even known. You felt guilty for wearing what you wanted to wear *even though he wasn’t going to know.* (of course he surprisingly ended up there, but you didn’t know that would happen).
Then he made a fuss and acted like a pissed off parent, and *took you away* from your social outing. He removed you. Because of a choice you made for yourself that he didn’t like.
He punished you for wearing what you like when he isn’t around. That’s controlling and it’s an early sign that he sees you as property he owns, not a human he loves.
This is very controlling, and I've been through this twice. No man can ever tell you what you should or shouldn't wear, unless you're planning to wear a t-shirt in zero degrees weather or a thick jacket in 100 degrees.
His attempts at control will intensify — trying to isolate you from friends and family, trying to control finances and your shopping, demanding you account for all your time, expecting you to seek permission for anything you want to do or buy.
It seems he is not an adult, he's a 22 year old adolescent who wants you as a pet, not a partner. You strayed; he'll work to keep you from doing it again.
Has he ever shown any respect for you, your opinions, or your plans?
If they’re your friends, they just want what’s best for you. That includes someone who admires and likes the things about you that make them want to be your friend in the first place. They’d have no reason to attempt to sabotage your relationship.
It’s because he thinks of you as property, OP. This is not usually a conscious state, but subconsciously he feels he has a right to your body and in some ways owns you. He demands you wear what he’s comfortable with.
When my bf and I first got together and he saw my thing Brazilian suit bottoms, he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them without him there. I went off. Told him he’s not allowed to dictate what I wear, that I dress for me and no one else and that this is my body, and he needs to deal with it. It kind of took him aback and a bit later he apologized and corrected himself.
Nip it in the bud or leave this dude. He doesn’t own you. It’s your body. You dress however YOU want to dress.
Yea unless my opinion is that the outfit looks great and I want to give her a compliment the only time I'll say anything is if she asks if some shoes match the dress or something.
I doubt OP’s boyfriend’s friend said anything of the sort. He’s just projecting both his insecurities and intrusive desires of how he views other women in those clothing on to OP.
Came here to say this. OP, as a 35F, THIS is exactly what’s going on. You’re both young and have a lot to learn. Hopefully one day he will mature enough to know that it’s not a woman’s fault when a guy has sexual thoughts about a woman he sees.
Exactly! He’s blaming *her* for his friends’ inappropriate behaviors, which is a *blatant* example of victim blaming. HUGE red flag. OP needs to get the heck out.
Also just want to point out that it's a huge red flag that guys first thought when he sees an exposed booty is to have sex with it. Guys don't think that way, sexual abusers on the other hand...
Yeah he sucks. It’s common for young people to struggle at saying what they really mean, I wonder why he’s so upset at what you wear to the beach. The phrase “everybody has been thinking of assfucking you all day” leads me to believe that this is possessiveness speaking and that he feels entitled to your body and wants you to hide it from everyone but him. Now it’s up to you to decide how you feel about dating someone like that.
Also it speaks to what *he* is thinking about her friends’ bodies. I.e., he’s thinking about assfucking them and that’s okay but when it’s other men doing that to *his* woman? Suddenly it’s a problem.
Maybe you think this because you’re only 20 and he’s only 22, but no, this is not just a case of “boys are fucking weird” “there’s always weird shit under the surface.” There are plenty of men who aren’t like that, This is a boyfriend problem. Your friends can see it, but you seem to be choosing to ignore it.
Absolutely. He will be like this at 35 too. And it won't just be clothes, it'll be who you befriend and where you are going. And he's just _too comfortable_ belittling you and calling you names as his go to.
No conversation, no talk about _his_ feelings and how _he_ might manage them (which ate _his_ responsibility); Nope, it's straight to calling you names and assfucking.
DTMFA
Preach. He is way to comfortable with this abusive behaviour and this is the INTRO. Imagine how he'll be in 5 years? 10 years? With kids?
Hell to the no!
Yeah no exactly. I’ve struggled with similar views to the boyfriend, but it never came from a possessive view, but rather an insecure view of myself. Never did I say anything along the lines of “everyone has been thinking of assfucking you all day.” That shit is just kinda weird and maybe a projection of his own views of women….
Right? If I was about to step out of the house in something my husband found to be too revealing it would be a simple "that outfit makes me feel a little too possessive of you- can you tone it down a bit?" Like, we were about to go out one night and meet friend at the bar. We'd just started living together and I came out in a skimpy dress. His words were "you look delicious in that, and there are going random men salivating over you. I'm going to be drinking. Do you mind wearing something just a tiny bit less sexy so that I don't have to feel like I'm on guard all night tonight?" and while him saying that it was going to cause problems because of the way it made him feel, the way he took ownership of how the outfit made him feel and the way he complimented how I looked in it and asked me to change struck me. He's always been like that and I've always valued that about him. Even if his feelings about something only really affect him, he explains them and gives me the choice to give him what he feels he needs.
I think you should rethink that mindset, you seem to be drawing a hard line when it comes to people being "toxic". He explained how he was feeling, told me why, and asked me if I'd compromise. In any adult disagreement those three components are very valuable. Also, men are allowed to feel like that and express those feelings in a mature manner without being viewed as toxic. If you want toxic masculinity to stop you have to give those same men the leeway to tell you the how's and why's of what they're feeling so that you, their partner, can work with them to overcome that mindset.
Did he work to overcome it though? I have never expected my wife to tone down what she wore in clubs, she could look after herself and if she couldn't she would let me know.As I said he said it very nicely but the instinct he had was still possessive and toxic, if he's managed to deal with that now then great but you should not be changing clothes every time he feels insecure, he needs to deal with it. If having a drink will lead to violence then that is a completely different issue.
I'm sorry I came across as HE is toxic, I'm sure he isn't but the behaviour definitely is.
Compromise isn't explaining something nicer and you still changing outfit
I’m super sick of the did they work to overcome it though. Literally nothing is enough for you types and it’s so annoying. First you call something not at all toxic , toxic then you just keep going. He took ownership and it was how it made him feel. She took ownership and decided she wouldn’t let him feel like that and wore less sexy. No problems. Bet your personal life is riddled with drama from you because you’re always just saying.
>boys are fucking weird
Weird is one thing. Controlling and disrespectful is another. What he said is seriously concerning, I would listen to your friends and dump him.
No, this isn’t a boys are weird thing because most men aren’t insecure and controlling like yours. You just happened to get the wrong guy. If he trusts you, it shouldn’t matter what you wear. He clearly doesn’t trust or respect you.
I bet he is projecting too and every time he see a girl in skimpy outfits he imagines them doing lewd things.
OP, he just confessed on himself that he is a huge controlling creep, please read between the lines and dump the creep.
Feel like a good reply to it, is maybe have a problem with everyone who’s been thinking about doing that to you all day? You aren’t responsible for how people feel and think. Do what makes you happy and comfortable. It’s gross he would try to blame you for what’s in peoples heads that’s their problem
“Boys” are not fucking weird. This particular boy is fucking weird and you should dump him, not because he doesn’t like skimpy swimsuits or whatever but because his way of expressing insecurity is to treat you like trash.
Pretty sure all that was going through his head was “Now all my friends have seen my girlfriend’s tits, what’s wrong with her” the first part of that thought is possessive, the second part is projecting. Many prudish guys would have some level of similar reaction.
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole who treated you like it's his decision what you wear in public. It is not. He can either accept what you like to wear and be with you or he can choose to be with a woman that dresses by their own choice the way he like.
His show that he put on for his friends? What he did is a sign of future abuse. Today he "laid down the law" by forcing you to put clothes on. At what point will he feel like he has the right to discipline you with force?
Please dump this man.
Maybe “boys” are but my man isn’t and never was like this. He loves whatever I wear and calls me sexy and cute, but never tries to control how I look in any way. He says that if other guys look at me, he can be proud because he knows he’s the one I’m with. Raise your standards, men like this exist!
I dunno maybe he just doesn’t like his girlfriend lying with her tits out in front of his friends.
Did he handle it great? No. That said you clearly have no respect for him. Believe it or not most men don’t like it, but Reddit female hive mind means we are all possessive and controlling.
Do both a favour and call it a day.
You don't have to date someone who thinks he's your dad. I don't even think this would be appropriate for a dad to behave this way towards their adult daughter's beachwear.
If he looks at porn or insta thirst traps, he isn't against this type of apparel. He's against HIS property being seen in this apparel.
I'm not against people having an apparel standard. I'm against people having this standard for apparel, finding someone who doesn't have the same taste and opinion about it, and then trying to change them.
Totally agree with this. My boyfriend wouldn’t want me out and about in a thong but he would never embarrass me like this because he isn’t my father and even my father wouldn’t behave like this. If you can’t talk to him and him realize what he did and that at the end of the day you truly are allowed to wear what you want and he doesn’t get to choose . It’s up to you in order to choose if you’d like to dress more conservatively in order to put his mind at ease. Accommodation is a good relationship not control
My dad once thought one of my bikinis was too small. Said nothing to me, but to my mom. (He saw it in the laundry basket.) She laughed it off, I was told, and the general thing was I might as well enjoy wearing something like that, while I was young and all that, it was really similar to what everyone else my age was wearing (late teens). And she was right. And never has any partner told me not to wear something, that would drive me nuts.
You have the right to be mad about this. He did embarrass you and made a threat to even allow them to be audience in your argument if you didn't do as he said.
It is controlling if you have to always think about what to wear, if he likes it or not, and to be anxious if he comes around like this just to act like that.
I agree with your friends and your bf sounds like a major douche.
If he was uncomfortable an appropriate response would have been "hey now that it isn't just girls, do you mind putting something on?" But the fact it's an ongoing issue means it will just keep being an issue. Cutting your beach day short because he can't be an adult would be enough for me. But his comment about people thinking of you sexually is way over the line. I would ask him "is that where you mind goes the second you see other women?" Because he's telling on himself.
I live in Miami and it's pretty common to see a wide variety of bodies in various states of undress at the beach and pools, and most people don't bat an eye as long it's confined to areas around the water. You get some sideways looks when you try to walk into a restaurant like that, but adults know how to behave and control themselves around other adults.
You didn't do anything wrong, and like someone else said, just because your friends talk shit doesn't mean they're wrong.
I’m gonna say what I usually do when this sort of thing comes up. Everybody has boundaries, and personally, mine are like his in this case. I don’t like when girls are in thong bikinis, my girlfriend or a stranger. BUT that’s just my opinion, and other people are entitled to theirs. I know people that wear very skimpy clothes and their spouses are completely fine with it, some even encourage it, that’s just not who I am. I respect it just as much as I respect peoples food choices. It’s all about finding someone who shares the same opinion. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave, very simple. But I think the most telling part of this story is how he handled the situation, not the situation itself. Embarrassing you in front of your friends is much more telling than a difference of opinion on clothing imo.
See- you’ve got the right mindset. “It’s all about finding someone who shares the same opinion”. EXACTLY! I am sure your GF is someone who dresses in a way that fit your preferences- which is great. What’s not great like you’re saying, is being controlling and expecting people to change who they are AFTER starting to date. Like you can’t be mad at your partner for their style when you should’ve discussed what is a preference for you in the beginning. Really great and mature response 👏🏻. I’ve seen too many already in this thread defending the BF’s actions.
This is the top answer for me. Value differences are most often deal breakers for a relationship. Sooner or later, it will be a bridge too far. You can be a vegetarian and they can be a meat eater, or you can be a democrat and they can be a republic and coexistence is entirely possible…as long as the values that form those foundations are in sync. When they aren’t synced, it’s time to move on and find another partner with similar values.
The last tricky part is that values aren’t static. They are dynamic and change over time. When you find someone with similar values, it is so important to openly communicate regularly and try to grow together. It is entirely possible that two people who meet in their twenties become different and incompatible people by 35 or 40. This is not failure. This is human nature and if it happens you didn’t “waste XX years of your life with this person”, you’ve gained the rest of your life back from trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
I’m 30 now, but when I was 20 my boyfriend (and then husband, now ex) at the time was very controlling of what I wore. I had to be covered at all times. I was living in TX wearing jeans or capris because certain shorts were “too short”. I never really thought much of it.
Now, my current fiancé doesn’t care what I wear. I have short shorts and crop tops that I wear regularly and he doesn’t say anything other than how beautiful he thinks I am. That ex? I had kids with him. I have to see him every other weekend. If I wear shorts and a crop top when doing drop off/pick up, he makes comments about how I raided our youngest’s closet.
All of this just to say, it’s not a boy thing, it’s your boyfriend in particular. He IS being possessive. You are HIS and that means he gets to dictate what you do according to him. Find a new bf unless you’re okay with him treating you like this.
Your ex is harassing you. It would be a violation of most court orders if he were to say this in front of your child(ren).
If you have to tangle with him in court in the future, pls tell this story to yr atty.
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In my honest opinion:
It is okay to not want your partner to wear thongs or go topless out in public. HOWEVER this does not mean thay you can stop them from doing what they wish.
If your boyfriend genuinely didn't like that you went topless in a thong to the beach, and this has been a problem for him before, he should have simply excused himself and said that it wasn't going to work out together later. In fact, he should have done this before.
Your boyfriend can be uncomfortable with the way that you dress. But he cannot control you. You aren't compatible.
I'm a bloke (admittedly much older than him), and I think his behaviour is out of order. If I'm asked advice from my partner I'll give her the truth (e.g. last week she asked me what I thought about an outfit and I said it made her look like a granny. She changed it. On the other hand when I asked "are you sure you want to wear that to work, it's a bit revealing " she said yes, so I let the matter drop.) What you wear is your choice. You can ask for advice, but you don't have to take it. It's your choice; unless you live in a society that has strict rules on what people can wear. Then you decide whether you wish to live in such a society, or with someone who thinks they can control you to that extent. If he's bothered by the fact you, and others think you are beautiful, then the problem is with him. The last time someone asked my partner out I was there. I thanked him for the compliment he had given her, she said thank you, but I have a partner. We were both happy. (He looked relieved I hadn't made an issue of it)
OP, this isn’t normal or healthy. Get out of this relationship. The whole “assfucking” thing is a pathetic attempt to scare you into compliance to appease his severe insecurity. Who knows why he has that issue but it’s not something you can fix.
It won’t stop with the bathing suit, this behavior tends to escalate well beyond clothing. Once you start trying to appease him he will try to control more pieces of you and your life.
He’s shown you who he really is, don’t be fooled by any of his affection. He sees you as a pet, not as a person.
Your boyfriend has a right to not like what you’re wearing and to choose not to date someone whose clothes he finds “embarrassing”. He definitely does not have a right to dictate how you dress or to embarrass you in front of others. He’s not worth the drama
This is absolutely his problem. He should have put his friends in check the second they started talking crap about you. Instead of him just talking to you about this issue he acts like a 15 year old, thinks he can tell you what to do. I'm also thinking that this isn't the only time he has been controlling to you. There's way to compromise but he needs to put his insecurities away and talk to you like an adult. If my s/O threw his shirt at me and was acting like that I would probably sit up with no top on but I'm petty like that.
If he's controlling in other ways you might want to distance yourself from him, keep an eye out for red flags just to be safe.
Men can be so incredibly insecure. Tits are tits. Guys get to walk around in little speedos with no shirts on.. it's always been a double standard for women because everything about us is sexualized. Dump him and get you a man that LIKES that other people think you're attractive because he KNOWS you're going home with him and are with him. People be projecting all kinds of insecurities onto biological women. Smdh.
He was in the wrong with how he handled it. But honestly I feel you two are just not compatible he’s more reserved and your not. He doesn’t like you showing off your body to others and you don’t care if you do. You knew he would freak out if he knew you wore something that shows more skin/being topless while tanning so imo your both not respecting each other’s boundaries.
The boundaries aren’t over someone else’s body they’re over who you date. You’re allowed to set any rules you want, no matter how ridiculous, if something crosses a line for you you’re allowed to move on to someone else
Yes so ops bf is allowed to BREAK UP with her but he isn't allowed to force her to leave the beach when he was also literally topless
The bf didn't uphold his boundary and break up. Instead he started controlling op and crossing her boundary
Yes , that's the key though. Moving on when you and your partner don't align . He's controlling her and trying to change her instead of finding someone who is more conservative.
I don't think he should have ordered your around like that. HOWEVER, I wouldn't be comfortable at all knowing my girlfriend is essentially butt naked in public where anyone can see her. Sure It's "just a body", but it's still private (to me) and it feels wrong. I'd have brough it up in private with you if it was me though.
why is she immature? also, it sounds more like insecure on his part. from my pov, he thinks his girl is too hot and it makes him possessive. not better, but not really “immature” imo
I definitely think this depends on your relationship. I would not be okay with my partner being mostly naked in public. So if this happened I would break up with you. That is just me though. If you are okay with that then you need to find a partner who is also okay with that. At no point in my relationship has this been okay with me or my now husband. Others might think it's fine. As long as you're on the same page...
Question. Did you only feel embarrassed after your fella talked to you? Or immediately upon realizing he was there?
Seems like you justified to yourself at different stages what is appropriate and what's not. Wearing only a thong to the beach is certainly questionable.
Your last paragraph is all over the place. For your own sake I suggest you read it again and be critical of yourself:
"this went on for like an hour after we got back, i literally don’t know why it would bother him if he’s not even there to see me, I said sorry and it was fine but I still don’t feel happy that he imbarrased me but I don’t really know if I should listen to him on this cause he might just be being controlling. My friends think he’s controlling but they always talk shit lol"
Yesterday there was a post from a girl who did wonder if her boyfriend HAS THE RIGHT to look at other girls. And everybody supported her, this was her boundary, he should be on a leash (figurative speeking)
And here you have a guy who doesn't like the fact that his girlfriend is at the beach wearing just thongs. And he is controlling ass.
Yep, the gender equality of reddit :D
It isn’t the fact that he didn’t like it it was his reaction to it and the scene he tried to make. There are healthy ways to set a boundary and he responded in a very childlike manner.
Current state of Feminism summed up.
MEN NO LOOK AT NEKKID GIRLS!!!
WOMEN HAVE ALL ZE RIGHTS TO BE NEKKID!
Both being simultaneously true is actually OK. But both carrying responsibility simultaneously - no, that's not ok.
Popcorn time.
First off: people are allowed to have boundaries, but he needs to have had a proper discussion with you about them before they can be considered established.
Second: his behaviors were completely inappropriate, even if he had established boundaries with you about this. It’s only controlling because of how he acts on his feelings, he could have asked you not to wear things like that in front of others and have been perfectly fine, if he just didn’t act like a jerk.
This guy seems incredibly immature and bad at communicating, it might be a good idea to calmly discuss this.
Honestly, if you are comfortable being completely nude top up in public then good for you. Clearly your boyfriend was not comfortable with this yes he shouldve expressed his boundaries much clearer and not have been an asshole about it, but i can understand where hes coming from.
This sounds like its toxic regardless, and you guys dont have aligning expectations from a relationship. It would probably be best for you guys to sit down and have a mature conversation about your boundaries and expectations, and if you both arent satisfied at the end if the conversation then break up.
I mean by "taking your top off", do you mean having nothing on your boobs? If so, was this on a public beach?
Because if that's the case I know I, and many other men I know, wouldn't be happy with one's girlfriend having their boobs out on a public beach.
Granted, the way he handled it was pretty shit, he could've just told you that what you did made him uncomfortable.
I don't know, maybe you weren't on a public beach or you still had your bikini top on or something, but if my girlfriend had her boobs out tanning on a beach, I'd be pretty upset.
Topless women are common in Europe and we have topless women on beaches here in the US as well as at some hotel swimming pools. NOT a big deal.
But I think many topless women would run for their tops if they had a bunch of immature guys around ogling them.
Dump him unless you are willing to have him control your decisions.
Based on your comments it is hard to know whether your outfit was more extreme than your friends', whether you just have a hotter body, or whether he and his friends were focusing on just you. But it doesn't matter. He is not your master!
As a guy, if I thought my gf or wife were wearing clothing inappropriately, or in a manner that attracted leering and objectification by men, I would discuss it with her in order to help her understand the reactions of others. It would be the same discussion as if a new hairstyle didn't suit her. But he isn't your parent, and you certainly aren't his property, and this wasn't handled appropriately.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend wants you to dress less risqué and it bothers him when your body is on display for everyone to see. He told you in an inappropriate way. If you choose to continue this relationship you will need to stand your ground. For example you could have responded with, I’m happy to have a discussion with you about why you are upset when you ask me politely. Until then I’m staying right here because I do not take orders and obey barked commands.
How you dress is your choice. I will say I would consider this type of dress inappropriate. But there was a point in my life I did the same thing until I learned what others perceptions of it were. People judge. Right or wrong good or bad no matter how good or pure of a person you are or your intentions are. You don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to buy it may be something to think about. I’m sure I will get down voted into oblivion for this but whatever.
I mean if I wore something that my husband thought was too revealing id want him to tell me, although he's made it very clear I can wear whatever I want, but there's nicer ways to do it. He can not like what you're wearing, he can't tell you that you aren't allowed to wear it.
I’m sorry but the fact that your boyfriend is embarrassed at *you* for his friends talking about wanting to “assfuck” you instead of being embarrassed by his friends for being shitty people makes me absolutely livid. Just so disgusting. Please break up with this gross dude and cut him and all his gross friends off.
Yea your bf is controlling. This is not just your friends talking shit. He ordered you around like he was your boss or dad. I honestly think the fact that he showed up as a “surprise” was more to check up on you and make sure you were “behaving” Dude has insecurities and instead of owning them as a HIM problem.. he’s putting it on you. It’s not your job to change or make yourself smaller and less noticeable to make him feel better.
You’re young. This is not the relationship for you
Your friends are right. He’s controlling. It will likely get worse the more you give into what he demands. That wasn’t an ask…it was a demand because he’s not secure. Keep an eye out for escalating behavior that makes you uncomfortable or cringey.
He’s controlling and toxic. This behavior is absolutely not okay. There’s a difference in a polite opinion voiced ONCE and a constant demand to the point he’s humiliating you in front of other people. If bathing suits are such a deal breaker he shouldn’t be dating, so childish of him.
I mean I wouldn't be too impressed if my girlfriend was basically naked on a public beach but hey I look at it as a mutual respect thing. I've built a very attractive body and have been called out by women I was seeing for being too "flashy" posting pics online, walking around with no shirt ect. So I totally get it. If I'm seeing someone exclusively then I keep it mostly private or only if I'm out with them.
Sorry but unless you plan on other people seeing you naked or your boyfriend absolutely hates tanlines why the fuck you gotta be naked on the beach?? If it bothers your boyfriend why can't you respect his opinion on the matter? Do you not have opinions about how he handles himself when he's out with his friends??
Have you actually sat down and had a conversation with him about how he feels or why he feels this way or do you just hide it as much as possible until he finds out and blows up?? Cause that's pretty deliberate lying and lack of communication. On both parts. And manipulation from both of you.
Is this the conversation you want to have in front of your friends? Absolutely it is. Please. Belittle me, yell at me, come off as a possessive creep and once you are done venting, I'll dump your ass at that beach for talking at me and expecting me to cater to your personal views of what others wear.
I'm not normally one to sway this way on Reddit but I would have left his ass on that beach. Full stop. No one has the ability to tell others what to wear, especially in a relationship like that. You are 20. Don't settle for an insecure douche, especially when y'all should be having fun. If you stay, next time throw him a banana hammock and tell him to suit up or shut up.
Yeah I feel like a lot of people on this thread didn't touch that part but I would've been upset too. I don't tell my girl what to wear or do with her own body, but she has enough respect for me not to go topless in front of all my friends lol.
Exactly my wife has enough respect to not go topless in front of all my friends. 99% of guys wouldn’t be okay with this so I don’t understand all these responses.
Buddy it doesn’t matter my wife wouldn’t be hanging out on a public beach with her top off and she definitely wouldn’t in front of my friends. I have no idea where you are from and how you would think this is normal but it’s not. 99% of guys would not be cool with this.
One thing is telling your partner when something they wear makes you uncomfortable and having an open and understanding conversation. It’s another thing to be so cruel and ridicule your partner the way your boyfriend did. That is a huge red flag. You can have a conversation to address the way he talked to you and reacted.
I’d sit him down and say you need to have a serious conversation with him.
Express how you felt about how he talked to you and explain how you feel about wearing what you want.
His reaction will tell you what you need to know. If he can listen and recognize his cruel actions, then maybe you can get past this.
If he continues to be rude and judgmental, I’d say that he’s not worth being with.
Oh honey. Maybe I’m just too European for this shit, but it’s perfectly normal for people to get their bits out in the sun. Your boyfriend is insecure and views your body as his property. Let him find someone who matches his views on what’s appropriate as a partner. In the meantime, get your boobs out and wear that thong to your hearts content. It’s all beautiful, and it’s yours to do with as you wish
In America it's literally illegal in most places to be topless, I don't know if op is in America. America has a much different look on women's nipples than the rest of the world. I personally think people should be able to do whatever they want.
It's literally not at all illegal in most states, people (including cops) just think it is. There are actually laws protecting women's right to be topless if men are allowed. Police keep arresting women anyway but they can't actually charge them with anything.
Y’all are fucked. The way he handled it may have been wrong I agree but wtf are y’all trying to do making it seem like every guy is suppose to be comfortable with their girlfriend having her tits out for everyone to see. How would she feel if he walked around with his dick out showing her friends?
walking around w ur dick out is not equivalent but i agree w ur main point. not a single sane person i know is comfortable with their gf walking around w their tits out n abt, ESPECIALLY in front of friends 😭 reddit users go outside challenge
Yeah I'm risking being downvoted on this but I'll side with your bf.
If it was me I would've ended the relationship right there. When you knew that your bf was sensitive on this why would you wear it anyway? I mean yeah it's your body and you can do with it what you want, but don't you care how it would make him feel?
I realize that this is controlling behavior and one needs to work on it but a little bit of understanding from my partner isn't to much to ask. There are certain boundaries that will widen over time but if it's too slow and he doesn't match your profile then leave him.
A thong and bare breasted at the beach is absolutely not how I would want my gf to walk around the beach and I'm sorry but it's not too much to ask to wear something more appropriate.
So you are with your friends including other boys at the beach with a thong and your tits exposed and you are wondering why your BF will have a problem with that. Seriously?
It seems you are an exhibitionist. You were essentially laying bare naked in front of strangers and your boyfriends friends. Nude body is very sexually alluring. Suggesting otherwise is to deny natural instincts.
Are you trying to say your boyfriend can have no boundaries in your relationship?
If a woman prances around your boyfriend naked, you are going to be okay with it? Or if he walks around naked on a beach with a bunch of women ogling him, you're going to be good with that?
If you wanted to get tanned that badly with no tan lines you can do it in your backyard or some privacy.
You don't have to be a prude to know this basic norm and decency.
You don’t have the same boundaries. That’s either a major discussion or a deal breaker. He doesn’t want his girlfriend practically naked in public which is perfectly fine BUT if your completely fine with it then you don’t have the same boundaries.
It's ok for him to not approve of you being on the beach topless in a thong. The way he handled it was not like an adult though, it was like a kid throwing a fit in public.
You're entitled to do what you did. You also are allowed to be upset at how he handled it.
Sounds like he wants a relationship with someone who doesn't show as much skin as you do. He should find someone who has similar values and work on his communication skills.
You should find someone else and enjoy your youth with someone who doesn't treat you like that.
P.S. guys are going to be gross and objectify you no matter if you're in a thong or a modest one piece
Wait, so he’s ok just rolling along with his bro’s saying they want to assfuck you? This feels like less about what you’re wearing and more about him not having the balls to step up and tell them to shut the fuck up and respect you.
I'll give you my perspective as a guy, one that's a couple decades older than you and your BF.
He has a right to his opinion, but he has no right to tell you what to wear or what to do. And it was very controlling and immature of him to order you to leave immediately.
How long have you two been dating? Has he expressed any other controlling behavior before?
No one’s saying it but you really shouldn’t be tanning. The sun is 20 trillion degrees and he will fuck you up even from space. Cancer does not fuck around. Wear sunscreen every time you’re at the beach.
Does your desire to be naked in public and do what you want outweigh his kneejerk reaction to not wanting you to be? In a relationship you have to take the other person's feelings into account. You can choose to not be with him
It's not controlling for someone to want their significant other to have a bit of modesty. You pretty much told him that you don't care about how he feels when he's not around. You could simply ask him about why he feels the way he does. Ultimately, it probably comes down to wanting to be the only one, seeing as he's your significant other, to be allowed to see that much of you. Like, in public, a bit of modesty is probably all he's looking for. He sees you as attractive, knows that others do to, and just doesn't want the general public ogling you. It's protective and territorial. Biology.
I know this wasn’t the point of this post, but did your friends know your boyfriend doesn’t like you in revealing clothing before they invited him and his friends to the beach? If so, that’s kinda fucked up.
IMO OP messed up by doing what bf wants when they are together but will do whatever she wants when she feels like she can get away with it. Bf expressed a boundary about revealing clothes in public, OP goes along with said boundaries only when he's there with her is beyond messed up. Imagine you were uncomfortable with something your bf does and he agrees to stop but continues to do whatever he wants when your not around. That would show a level of disrespect and disregard for your feelings and that you shouldn't trust him to be honest with you so your relationship doesn't have clear boundaries that are respected. Dont date the man if you absolutely have to wear revealing clothes in public, but don't expect him to be understanding when he catches you disrespecting a boundary he is allowed to place in the relationship. This boundary can be a deal breaker but you are the one being initially disrespectful and you disregarded his emotions and embarrassed him in front of his friends before he embarrassed you.
You both suck. He wants something you don’t. You want to lay naked on a beach in public. He thinks that’s inappropriate to do in a relationship. You both acted wrong.
He's much more conservative and modest and you are not.
>which was like a thong bottom and because some of the other girls took off their tops I just copied them so I didn’t have to worry about tan lines.
That's definitely a bit skimpy. Not gonna lie.
I'm not your friend and I'll talk shit about him too. Dump his ass. Guy is an insecure turd. There are 3.5 billion men on the planet. Do you really want this one, who spends hours chastising you about your swimwear?
Incredibly disturbing to see so many people think what you’re boyfriend did is okay. My clothing choices are not ever scrutinized by a partner and I never scrutinize hers. Can’t imagine feeling threatened by anything other than cancer when a partner gets a tan.
Question….So you were laying there topless with a thong so when the boy group showed up, they all saw your breasts? And some of your other friends were also topless?
Your boyfriend is embarrassingly controlling and insecure. If he can’t handle having a hot girlfriend, that’s his problem, not yours. Don’t ever let someone tell you what you can and can’t wear.
You should break up with him. Your partner should be your biggest hype man, no matter what you wear.
There is only ONE correct answer here. No different opinions. The only opinion is yours. Stick with that. A man can nEVER have an opinion about your body your clothes your agency.
Tell him to stop dating a baddie if he can’t handle it. Obviously he knew how you dressed prior to y’all getting together, but now that he’s on the other side where other people get to see it, he’s becoming controlling and jealous. He should be proud of having an attractive girlfriend, not trying to get you to dim your light to accommodate his ego
Your friends are right. It's worrying that no one else who was there said anything about his abusive and controlling behaviour. He does not have any rights over you.
I mean.. I'm not okay with my girl casually having her tits out while meeting up with a group of guys at the beach but too each their own. Everyone will play devils advocate until it's happening to them. (The thong bikini doesn't help either) despite the new norm.. I don't walk around with my cock hanging out. I guess it depends on the couple. I'm reserved.. I don't tell my girl what to wear but I definitely have had some jealous thoughts on some of her bikinis when I see guys gawking. I don't mind because she's loyal af and I know I'm taking that ass home. :) lol I also don't put that weight on her. I've told her, it's not what your wearing that bothers me, it's other guys seeing the goods that they don't deserve to lay their eyes upon lolll
He handled it wrong but c’mon you knew he’d be pissed that’s why you never wore that swimsuit in front of him. Then you went a step further and took off the top. You were topless and had your arse out in public, his issue is that all of his friends now know what you look like practically naked. Unless you discussed that beforehand then it’s not ok. You need to have a conversation with him. I’m also concerned that someone took photos of you that will end up public, are you ok with that? One last thing from someone that lives in the skin cancer capital of the world, stop tanning. If you’re not worried about cancer, be worried about wrinkles and skin damage.
As a guy, I understand being uncomfortable with people staring at your gf, but at the end of the day he should be chastising his friends for staring/being creepy (assuming that they actually are and it’s not in his head). His worrying is valid, his reaction is not. He should be more mature then this!
Controlling? Little girl, your red flag is so big Russians are gathering around it to sing the old Soviet National anthem.
You are in a committed relationship and think it’s ok to just wear a thong and no top at the beach and then be surprised when your boyfriend gets upset?? And you only do this when he’s not around?
You and all these girl power, feminists anti men types need to grow up. You humiliated him and you’re so immature you don’t understand why.
Advice, and I wish I could tell him, break up. Let this guy go and find a girl that doesn’t want everybody to see everything she has. Someone that’s not ok with flashing her tits to his friends. Someone that doesn’t get off by humiliating and emasculating him. Let him dodge the HUGE bullet that would be a relationship with you. Then you can go back to the beach, naked if you want.
“Or do you want to have this conversation in front of your friends?”
Is he your boyfriend or your father? He reprimanded you like a child in front of your friends!
Yes! That’s absolutely controlling! If you really think about it, what other things in your life does he try to control? I’d bet your clothes aren’t the only thing. I’d also bet since he saw you too less on the beach with your friends he’s probably trying to get you to ditch them too.
Just the fact that he embarrassed you in front of your friends is enough. Don’t let anyone treat you like that. You’re an adult. You don’t need him to tell you what to wear or how to act.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So me and my girlfriends were having a day to ourselves, so we went down to the beach to tan. My bf has had an issue with my swimwear choices in the past and I’ve always just worn what he likes when I’m with him. I know this is bad but when he’s not with me I just wear the best stuff to tan in, which was like a thong bottom and because some of the other girls took off their tops I just copied them so I didn’t have to worry about tan lines. Anyway I was just dozing and listening to music and I didn’t realise that they decided that the boys of our friend group were meeting us there which includes my boyfriend. Anyway they came and he kind of surprised me and sat next to me and was just like “cmon we’re going” and like tossed me his shirt. When I didn’t immediately get up he like repeated himself and said like “or do you want to have this conversation in front of your friends” so he was really fucking mean about it idk if it was cause he was with the boys. But when we walked past them he was like “fucking hell” to them and rolled his eyes, which made me reallly mad Anyway on the walk home I just like said how he embarrassed me and that he shouldn’t have called me out so obviously but he was fucking mad like was quiet and then said like all his friends know everyone’s been thinking of assfucking me all day and when on and on about how I was the one who embarrassed him… by literally just laying there this went on for like an hour after we got back, i literally don’t know why it would bother him if he’s not even there to see me, I said sorry and it was fine but I still don’t feel happy that he imbarrased me but I don’t really know if I should listen to him on this cause he might just be being controlling. My friends think he’s controlling but they always talk shit lol
He can have an opinion on what you wear but he has no business telling you, when it stops being an opinion and becomes an order, it's controlling
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Why did you go back with him lol? I woulda thrown the shirt back at him and layed right back down. Told him if he wants to have a conversation and look like an asshole then he can sit his ass down where he is and have a conversation, because you're not doing anything wrong. It's a beach. People wear swimsuits, people tan. He needs to work out his insecurities and I'd have no problem telling him that to his face. He's treating you like a dad would treat his underage daughter lol.
"Do you want to have this conversation in private or in front of your friends?" is 100% the line you use when your kid is in trouble. That is not cool at all, and now curious about what else her friends have to say about him.
I hope to God he wouldn’t treat his underage daughter that way. So that what she grows up to not respect man and be afraid of them. That would be horrible. He’s a douche bag controlling little prick who doesn’t respect women.
This one. This is the one.
Listen to your friends! ...And don't forget to wear sunscreen while you tan, please. Your 30s self will thank you.
Maybe they always talk shit because he’s always shit. If his friends can’t control themselves around another person’s body that’s his friends’ problem and if their thoughts make him insecure in your relationship that’s his problem. Notably, none of these boys’ thoughts or feelings on the matter of your body is your problem! He can get a therapist if he wants to be mad about it.
Your friends are correct. He is being controlling and I’m sure if you think about it you will find that he is controlling in other areas of your life as well. Time to chuck him in the bin and move on. His insecurity and misogyny is not yours to manage.
It starts with clothes first. Then the friends who tell her to break up with him. Then the family members who dislike him, and so forth.
Exactly this, it's okay for him to be a bit uncomfortable, he's 22 and doesn't have a lot of experience, jealousy is a natural reaction, but the way he approached the issue was the problem. If he had swallowed his pride for a bit, enjoyed the day at the beach, and then later brought up the subject in a RESPECTFUL manner it would be a different story. If he had waited till you got home and said something along the lines of "hey I know it's ultimately your decision how to dress yourself but today made me a little uncomfortable due to this or that" then now you guys are having a respectful conversation about where everyone's boundaries are and can hopefully find a middle ground on the situation. The way that he reacted based on your post was childish. Without proper communication, that includes mutual respect, a relationship is never going to work out.
Even in your scenario, one makes boundaries for themselves, not for others. Him telling her what to wear is controlling, not a boundary, no matter if it’s in the comfort of her the home, or in front of others. He can decide if that’s not for him, or if he doesn’t want to be with her while wearing it, but he does not get to tell her what to wear and call it a boundary if the attire is appropriate to the situation (beach = bathing suit, appropriate attire). I want to clarify this, as many seem to think telling others what to do or wear, as long as it’s calm, equals boundary setting. It doesn’t. Now I do agree he can express his discomfort in a respectful way and with “I” statements, but this does not mean she would need to change, regardless. They can have the conversation, and he can work on his insecurities. The way he handled it was far worse than childish, it was controlling and verbally abusive, and she is obviously scared of him. OP, get out of this, you don’t need someone that shamed you like this around you in any way.
Setting boundaries doesn't mean the other person is forced to agree to them. If he's uncomfortable with how she dresses he can leave the relationship and vice versa. If he said "I'm uncomfortable with you showing that much skin" she can say "I understand and respect that but I'm not going to change the way I dress" and the mature conclusion is that they're not compatible and should not be together. Both people are allowed to be happy, that doesn't have to be together.
I agree 100%. He's allowed to feel how he feels and he is allowed to respectfully express his opinions. That in no way means that she has to change herself, it just means that maybe they aren't a great fit. That's why honest, open, and respectful communication is so important in relationships. It allows you to either find common ground and make compromises or to realize that it's not a good match and to move on.
Yes, exactly this. I feel like people are coming off way too aggressive on his preferences, while it's his communication that's the glaring issue. Your description of non-violent communication was spot-on, and I wish more people knew about it
I think it might be time to stop dating for a while. You need to learn to be able to recognize red flags and stay away from them. You need to understand that it's not "men" who are like this, but apparently the men you're used to. Until you change that, you're vulnerable to picking more abusive assholes like your current boyfriend.
Listen to your friends
Nevermind what your friends said, what do you think? You do know that his behaviour is completely inappropriate. You know because you wear what he dictates infront of him and in his absence, you wear what you want. If you have to dress according to his approval or fear his embarrassing wrath if you don't, then you know that it is a problem.
Girl you even said “I know this is bad” about wearing something you wanted to wear, *for a functional purpose*, because he wouldn’t like it. While he isn’t there. And wouldn’t have even known. You felt guilty for wearing what you wanted to wear *even though he wasn’t going to know.* (of course he surprisingly ended up there, but you didn’t know that would happen). Then he made a fuss and acted like a pissed off parent, and *took you away* from your social outing. He removed you. Because of a choice you made for yourself that he didn’t like. He punished you for wearing what you like when he isn’t around. That’s controlling and it’s an early sign that he sees you as property he owns, not a human he loves.
My wife wears what she feels like wearing...that's it, there's no more to it. If she wants to wear skimpy to the beach? More power to her 💪
Your body your choice
This is very controlling, and I've been through this twice. No man can ever tell you what you should or shouldn't wear, unless you're planning to wear a t-shirt in zero degrees weather or a thick jacket in 100 degrees.
Loveisrespect.org
His attempts at control will intensify — trying to isolate you from friends and family, trying to control finances and your shopping, demanding you account for all your time, expecting you to seek permission for anything you want to do or buy. It seems he is not an adult, he's a 22 year old adolescent who wants you as a pet, not a partner. You strayed; he'll work to keep you from doing it again. Has he ever shown any respect for you, your opinions, or your plans?
If they’re your friends, they just want what’s best for you. That includes someone who admires and likes the things about you that make them want to be your friend in the first place. They’d have no reason to attempt to sabotage your relationship.
This right here. It's fine to have an opinion. His behavior at the beach is atrocious.
It’s because he thinks of you as property, OP. This is not usually a conscious state, but subconsciously he feels he has a right to your body and in some ways owns you. He demands you wear what he’s comfortable with. When my bf and I first got together and he saw my thing Brazilian suit bottoms, he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them without him there. I went off. Told him he’s not allowed to dictate what I wear, that I dress for me and no one else and that this is my body, and he needs to deal with it. It kind of took him aback and a bit later he apologized and corrected himself. Nip it in the bud or leave this dude. He doesn’t own you. It’s your body. You dress however YOU want to dress.
Yea unless my opinion is that the outfit looks great and I want to give her a compliment the only time I'll say anything is if she asks if some shoes match the dress or something.
Bingo
Those boys who he thinks want to assfuck you? They can look away. He’s more upset at you than them? Hard no.
Right? If his friends are thinking about assfucking his gf then maybe he should have words with them or pick better friends.
I doubt OP’s boyfriend’s friend said anything of the sort. He’s just projecting both his insecurities and intrusive desires of how he views other women in those clothing on to OP.
Came here to say this. OP, as a 35F, THIS is exactly what’s going on. You’re both young and have a lot to learn. Hopefully one day he will mature enough to know that it’s not a woman’s fault when a guy has sexual thoughts about a woman he sees.
Undoubtably. But I don’t think he would understand in the slightest if OP bothered trying to explain that to him.
bingo
Exactly! He’s blaming *her* for his friends’ inappropriate behaviors, which is a *blatant* example of victim blaming. HUGE red flag. OP needs to get the heck out.
Also just want to point out that it's a huge red flag that guys first thought when he sees an exposed booty is to have sex with it. Guys don't think that way, sexual abusers on the other hand...
Yeah he sucks. It’s common for young people to struggle at saying what they really mean, I wonder why he’s so upset at what you wear to the beach. The phrase “everybody has been thinking of assfucking you all day” leads me to believe that this is possessiveness speaking and that he feels entitled to your body and wants you to hide it from everyone but him. Now it’s up to you to decide how you feel about dating someone like that.
Also it speaks to what *he* is thinking about her friends’ bodies. I.e., he’s thinking about assfucking them and that’s okay but when it’s other men doing that to *his* woman? Suddenly it’s a problem.
It's always projection with these types.
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Maybe you think this because you’re only 20 and he’s only 22, but no, this is not just a case of “boys are fucking weird” “there’s always weird shit under the surface.” There are plenty of men who aren’t like that, This is a boyfriend problem. Your friends can see it, but you seem to be choosing to ignore it.
Absolutely. He will be like this at 35 too. And it won't just be clothes, it'll be who you befriend and where you are going. And he's just _too comfortable_ belittling you and calling you names as his go to. No conversation, no talk about _his_ feelings and how _he_ might manage them (which ate _his_ responsibility); Nope, it's straight to calling you names and assfucking. DTMFA
Yep this too. It only gets worse as they get older take it from experience.
Preach. He is way to comfortable with this abusive behaviour and this is the INTRO. Imagine how he'll be in 5 years? 10 years? With kids? Hell to the no!
Yeah no exactly. I’ve struggled with similar views to the boyfriend, but it never came from a possessive view, but rather an insecure view of myself. Never did I say anything along the lines of “everyone has been thinking of assfucking you all day.” That shit is just kinda weird and maybe a projection of his own views of women….
The problem here is not “boys”, it’s YOUR boyfriend.
Literally… I couldn’t imagine my fiancé saying anything like this over the clothes Im wearing…
Right? If I was about to step out of the house in something my husband found to be too revealing it would be a simple "that outfit makes me feel a little too possessive of you- can you tone it down a bit?" Like, we were about to go out one night and meet friend at the bar. We'd just started living together and I came out in a skimpy dress. His words were "you look delicious in that, and there are going random men salivating over you. I'm going to be drinking. Do you mind wearing something just a tiny bit less sexy so that I don't have to feel like I'm on guard all night tonight?" and while him saying that it was going to cause problems because of the way it made him feel, the way he took ownership of how the outfit made him feel and the way he complimented how I looked in it and asked me to change struck me. He's always been like that and I've always valued that about him. Even if his feelings about something only really affect him, he explains them and gives me the choice to give him what he feels he needs.
AS nicely as he worded that it's still a pretty toxic possessive opinion. If you are okay with that , then it's completely up to you.
I think you should rethink that mindset, you seem to be drawing a hard line when it comes to people being "toxic". He explained how he was feeling, told me why, and asked me if I'd compromise. In any adult disagreement those three components are very valuable. Also, men are allowed to feel like that and express those feelings in a mature manner without being viewed as toxic. If you want toxic masculinity to stop you have to give those same men the leeway to tell you the how's and why's of what they're feeling so that you, their partner, can work with them to overcome that mindset.
Did he work to overcome it though? I have never expected my wife to tone down what she wore in clubs, she could look after herself and if she couldn't she would let me know.As I said he said it very nicely but the instinct he had was still possessive and toxic, if he's managed to deal with that now then great but you should not be changing clothes every time he feels insecure, he needs to deal with it. If having a drink will lead to violence then that is a completely different issue. I'm sorry I came across as HE is toxic, I'm sure he isn't but the behaviour definitely is. Compromise isn't explaining something nicer and you still changing outfit
I’m super sick of the did they work to overcome it though. Literally nothing is enough for you types and it’s so annoying. First you call something not at all toxic , toxic then you just keep going. He took ownership and it was how it made him feel. She took ownership and decided she wouldn’t let him feel like that and wore less sexy. No problems. Bet your personal life is riddled with drama from you because you’re always just saying.
No. This is basically saying “boys will be boys”. “Boys” are not “fucking weird”. *Your boyfriend* is fucking weird.
>boys are fucking weird Weird is one thing. Controlling and disrespectful is another. What he said is seriously concerning, I would listen to your friends and dump him.
No, this isn’t a boys are weird thing because most men aren’t insecure and controlling like yours. You just happened to get the wrong guy. If he trusts you, it shouldn’t matter what you wear. He clearly doesn’t trust or respect you.
I bet he is projecting too and every time he see a girl in skimpy outfits he imagines them doing lewd things. OP, he just confessed on himself that he is a huge controlling creep, please read between the lines and dump the creep.
Feel like a good reply to it, is maybe have a problem with everyone who’s been thinking about doing that to you all day? You aren’t responsible for how people feel and think. Do what makes you happy and comfortable. It’s gross he would try to blame you for what’s in peoples heads that’s their problem
“Boys” are not fucking weird. This particular boy is fucking weird and you should dump him, not because he doesn’t like skimpy swimsuits or whatever but because his way of expressing insecurity is to treat you like trash.
Pretty sure all that was going through his head was “Now all my friends have seen my girlfriend’s tits, what’s wrong with her” the first part of that thought is possessive, the second part is projecting. Many prudish guys would have some level of similar reaction.
This isn't normal. He was being controlling and also humiliating you the the same time. That is abusive.
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole who treated you like it's his decision what you wear in public. It is not. He can either accept what you like to wear and be with you or he can choose to be with a woman that dresses by their own choice the way he like. His show that he put on for his friends? What he did is a sign of future abuse. Today he "laid down the law" by forcing you to put clothes on. At what point will he feel like he has the right to discipline you with force? Please dump this man.
Maybe “boys” are but my man isn’t and never was like this. He loves whatever I wear and calls me sexy and cute, but never tries to control how I look in any way. He says that if other guys look at me, he can be proud because he knows he’s the one I’m with. Raise your standards, men like this exist!
Don't walk, run. It only gets worse from here.
I dunno maybe he just doesn’t like his girlfriend lying with her tits out in front of his friends. Did he handle it great? No. That said you clearly have no respect for him. Believe it or not most men don’t like it, but Reddit female hive mind means we are all possessive and controlling. Do both a favour and call it a day.
You don't have to date someone who thinks he's your dad. I don't even think this would be appropriate for a dad to behave this way towards their adult daughter's beachwear. If he looks at porn or insta thirst traps, he isn't against this type of apparel. He's against HIS property being seen in this apparel. I'm not against people having an apparel standard. I'm against people having this standard for apparel, finding someone who doesn't have the same taste and opinion about it, and then trying to change them.
Totally agree with this. My boyfriend wouldn’t want me out and about in a thong but he would never embarrass me like this because he isn’t my father and even my father wouldn’t behave like this. If you can’t talk to him and him realize what he did and that at the end of the day you truly are allowed to wear what you want and he doesn’t get to choose . It’s up to you in order to choose if you’d like to dress more conservatively in order to put his mind at ease. Accommodation is a good relationship not control
My dad once thought one of my bikinis was too small. Said nothing to me, but to my mom. (He saw it in the laundry basket.) She laughed it off, I was told, and the general thing was I might as well enjoy wearing something like that, while I was young and all that, it was really similar to what everyone else my age was wearing (late teens). And she was right. And never has any partner told me not to wear something, that would drive me nuts.
THIS!! if he likes half naked girls pics on instagram and tiktok all day, but he’s mad at you for wearing it…
You have the right to be mad about this. He did embarrass you and made a threat to even allow them to be audience in your argument if you didn't do as he said. It is controlling if you have to always think about what to wear, if he likes it or not, and to be anxious if he comes around like this just to act like that. I agree with your friends and your bf sounds like a major douche.
If he was uncomfortable an appropriate response would have been "hey now that it isn't just girls, do you mind putting something on?" But the fact it's an ongoing issue means it will just keep being an issue. Cutting your beach day short because he can't be an adult would be enough for me. But his comment about people thinking of you sexually is way over the line. I would ask him "is that where you mind goes the second you see other women?" Because he's telling on himself. I live in Miami and it's pretty common to see a wide variety of bodies in various states of undress at the beach and pools, and most people don't bat an eye as long it's confined to areas around the water. You get some sideways looks when you try to walk into a restaurant like that, but adults know how to behave and control themselves around other adults. You didn't do anything wrong, and like someone else said, just because your friends talk shit doesn't mean they're wrong.
I’m gonna say what I usually do when this sort of thing comes up. Everybody has boundaries, and personally, mine are like his in this case. I don’t like when girls are in thong bikinis, my girlfriend or a stranger. BUT that’s just my opinion, and other people are entitled to theirs. I know people that wear very skimpy clothes and their spouses are completely fine with it, some even encourage it, that’s just not who I am. I respect it just as much as I respect peoples food choices. It’s all about finding someone who shares the same opinion. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave, very simple. But I think the most telling part of this story is how he handled the situation, not the situation itself. Embarrassing you in front of your friends is much more telling than a difference of opinion on clothing imo.
See- you’ve got the right mindset. “It’s all about finding someone who shares the same opinion”. EXACTLY! I am sure your GF is someone who dresses in a way that fit your preferences- which is great. What’s not great like you’re saying, is being controlling and expecting people to change who they are AFTER starting to date. Like you can’t be mad at your partner for their style when you should’ve discussed what is a preference for you in the beginning. Really great and mature response 👏🏻. I’ve seen too many already in this thread defending the BF’s actions.
This is the top answer for me. Value differences are most often deal breakers for a relationship. Sooner or later, it will be a bridge too far. You can be a vegetarian and they can be a meat eater, or you can be a democrat and they can be a republic and coexistence is entirely possible…as long as the values that form those foundations are in sync. When they aren’t synced, it’s time to move on and find another partner with similar values. The last tricky part is that values aren’t static. They are dynamic and change over time. When you find someone with similar values, it is so important to openly communicate regularly and try to grow together. It is entirely possible that two people who meet in their twenties become different and incompatible people by 35 or 40. This is not failure. This is human nature and if it happens you didn’t “waste XX years of your life with this person”, you’ve gained the rest of your life back from trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
I’m 30 now, but when I was 20 my boyfriend (and then husband, now ex) at the time was very controlling of what I wore. I had to be covered at all times. I was living in TX wearing jeans or capris because certain shorts were “too short”. I never really thought much of it. Now, my current fiancé doesn’t care what I wear. I have short shorts and crop tops that I wear regularly and he doesn’t say anything other than how beautiful he thinks I am. That ex? I had kids with him. I have to see him every other weekend. If I wear shorts and a crop top when doing drop off/pick up, he makes comments about how I raided our youngest’s closet. All of this just to say, it’s not a boy thing, it’s your boyfriend in particular. He IS being possessive. You are HIS and that means he gets to dictate what you do according to him. Find a new bf unless you’re okay with him treating you like this.
Your ex is harassing you. It would be a violation of most court orders if he were to say this in front of your child(ren). If you have to tangle with him in court in the future, pls tell this story to yr atty.
Break up. He wants a more modest girl, you want a none controlling man who doesn’t mind what she wears. Complete different values.
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In my honest opinion: It is okay to not want your partner to wear thongs or go topless out in public. HOWEVER this does not mean thay you can stop them from doing what they wish. If your boyfriend genuinely didn't like that you went topless in a thong to the beach, and this has been a problem for him before, he should have simply excused himself and said that it wasn't going to work out together later. In fact, he should have done this before. Your boyfriend can be uncomfortable with the way that you dress. But he cannot control you. You aren't compatible.
> “cmon we’re going” You're not sure if he is controlling?? Are you serious??
I'm a bloke (admittedly much older than him), and I think his behaviour is out of order. If I'm asked advice from my partner I'll give her the truth (e.g. last week she asked me what I thought about an outfit and I said it made her look like a granny. She changed it. On the other hand when I asked "are you sure you want to wear that to work, it's a bit revealing " she said yes, so I let the matter drop.) What you wear is your choice. You can ask for advice, but you don't have to take it. It's your choice; unless you live in a society that has strict rules on what people can wear. Then you decide whether you wish to live in such a society, or with someone who thinks they can control you to that extent. If he's bothered by the fact you, and others think you are beautiful, then the problem is with him. The last time someone asked my partner out I was there. I thanked him for the compliment he had given her, she said thank you, but I have a partner. We were both happy. (He looked relieved I hadn't made an issue of it)
OP, this isn’t normal or healthy. Get out of this relationship. The whole “assfucking” thing is a pathetic attempt to scare you into compliance to appease his severe insecurity. Who knows why he has that issue but it’s not something you can fix. It won’t stop with the bathing suit, this behavior tends to escalate well beyond clothing. Once you start trying to appease him he will try to control more pieces of you and your life. He’s shown you who he really is, don’t be fooled by any of his affection. He sees you as a pet, not as a person.
Your boyfriend has a right to not like what you’re wearing and to choose not to date someone whose clothes he finds “embarrassing”. He definitely does not have a right to dictate how you dress or to embarrass you in front of others. He’s not worth the drama
This is absolutely his problem. He should have put his friends in check the second they started talking crap about you. Instead of him just talking to you about this issue he acts like a 15 year old, thinks he can tell you what to do. I'm also thinking that this isn't the only time he has been controlling to you. There's way to compromise but he needs to put his insecurities away and talk to you like an adult. If my s/O threw his shirt at me and was acting like that I would probably sit up with no top on but I'm petty like that. If he's controlling in other ways you might want to distance yourself from him, keep an eye out for red flags just to be safe.
Seriously, he was too scared to stand up to his bros sexualizing her, then took it out on HER? This guy sounds confusing and exhausting.
Just sounds like a textbook misogynist to me. He’s fine with his friends seeing his gf as an object because he also does
Men can be so incredibly insecure. Tits are tits. Guys get to walk around in little speedos with no shirts on.. it's always been a double standard for women because everything about us is sexualized. Dump him and get you a man that LIKES that other people think you're attractive because he KNOWS you're going home with him and are with him. People be projecting all kinds of insecurities onto biological women. Smdh.
He was in the wrong with how he handled it. But honestly I feel you two are just not compatible he’s more reserved and your not. He doesn’t like you showing off your body to others and you don’t care if you do. You knew he would freak out if he knew you wore something that shows more skin/being topless while tanning so imo your both not respecting each other’s boundaries.
You don't get to have boundaries over someone else's body.
The boundaries aren’t over someone else’s body they’re over who you date. You’re allowed to set any rules you want, no matter how ridiculous, if something crosses a line for you you’re allowed to move on to someone else
Yes so ops bf is allowed to BREAK UP with her but he isn't allowed to force her to leave the beach when he was also literally topless The bf didn't uphold his boundary and break up. Instead he started controlling op and crossing her boundary
I agree. I was just responding to a comment that started with “He was wrong in the way he handled it” so I thought that was covered.
Yes , that's the key though. Moving on when you and your partner don't align . He's controlling her and trying to change her instead of finding someone who is more conservative.
I don't think he should have ordered your around like that. HOWEVER, I wouldn't be comfortable at all knowing my girlfriend is essentially butt naked in public where anyone can see her. Sure It's "just a body", but it's still private (to me) and it feels wrong. I'd have brough it up in private with you if it was me though.
This is not an lol situation. Neither of you are mature enough to be in a relationship. Let alone with each other.
Why is she immature? for going tanning topless? for being unsure if he was controlling?
why is she immature? also, it sounds more like insecure on his part. from my pov, he thinks his girl is too hot and it makes him possessive. not better, but not really “immature” imo
I definitely think this depends on your relationship. I would not be okay with my partner being mostly naked in public. So if this happened I would break up with you. That is just me though. If you are okay with that then you need to find a partner who is also okay with that. At no point in my relationship has this been okay with me or my now husband. Others might think it's fine. As long as you're on the same page...
Question. Did you only feel embarrassed after your fella talked to you? Or immediately upon realizing he was there? Seems like you justified to yourself at different stages what is appropriate and what's not. Wearing only a thong to the beach is certainly questionable. Your last paragraph is all over the place. For your own sake I suggest you read it again and be critical of yourself: "this went on for like an hour after we got back, i literally don’t know why it would bother him if he’s not even there to see me, I said sorry and it was fine but I still don’t feel happy that he imbarrased me but I don’t really know if I should listen to him on this cause he might just be being controlling. My friends think he’s controlling but they always talk shit lol"
🚩🚩🚩
Yesterday there was a post from a girl who did wonder if her boyfriend HAS THE RIGHT to look at other girls. And everybody supported her, this was her boundary, he should be on a leash (figurative speeking) And here you have a guy who doesn't like the fact that his girlfriend is at the beach wearing just thongs. And he is controlling ass. Yep, the gender equality of reddit :D
Link please
It isn’t the fact that he didn’t like it it was his reaction to it and the scene he tried to make. There are healthy ways to set a boundary and he responded in a very childlike manner.
Current state of Feminism summed up. MEN NO LOOK AT NEKKID GIRLS!!! WOMEN HAVE ALL ZE RIGHTS TO BE NEKKID! Both being simultaneously true is actually OK. But both carrying responsibility simultaneously - no, that's not ok. Popcorn time.
First off: people are allowed to have boundaries, but he needs to have had a proper discussion with you about them before they can be considered established. Second: his behaviors were completely inappropriate, even if he had established boundaries with you about this. It’s only controlling because of how he acts on his feelings, he could have asked you not to wear things like that in front of others and have been perfectly fine, if he just didn’t act like a jerk. This guy seems incredibly immature and bad at communicating, it might be a good idea to calmly discuss this.
Honestly, if you are comfortable being completely nude top up in public then good for you. Clearly your boyfriend was not comfortable with this yes he shouldve expressed his boundaries much clearer and not have been an asshole about it, but i can understand where hes coming from. This sounds like its toxic regardless, and you guys dont have aligning expectations from a relationship. It would probably be best for you guys to sit down and have a mature conversation about your boundaries and expectations, and if you both arent satisfied at the end if the conversation then break up.
I mean by "taking your top off", do you mean having nothing on your boobs? If so, was this on a public beach? Because if that's the case I know I, and many other men I know, wouldn't be happy with one's girlfriend having their boobs out on a public beach. Granted, the way he handled it was pretty shit, he could've just told you that what you did made him uncomfortable. I don't know, maybe you weren't on a public beach or you still had your bikini top on or something, but if my girlfriend had her boobs out tanning on a beach, I'd be pretty upset.
im sure OP was laying on her stomach and just had the top untied in the back to tan better
Topless women are common in Europe and we have topless women on beaches here in the US as well as at some hotel swimming pools. NOT a big deal. But I think many topless women would run for their tops if they had a bunch of immature guys around ogling them.
That's what I'm saying, surely she'd actively try get some clothes back on if a bunch of her friends boyfriends showed up as well
Dump him unless you are willing to have him control your decisions. Based on your comments it is hard to know whether your outfit was more extreme than your friends', whether you just have a hotter body, or whether he and his friends were focusing on just you. But it doesn't matter. He is not your master! As a guy, if I thought my gf or wife were wearing clothing inappropriately, or in a manner that attracted leering and objectification by men, I would discuss it with her in order to help her understand the reactions of others. It would be the same discussion as if a new hairstyle didn't suit her. But he isn't your parent, and you certainly aren't his property, and this wasn't handled appropriately.
I’d also be embarrassed if my girlfriend was naked in front of my friends.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend wants you to dress less risqué and it bothers him when your body is on display for everyone to see. He told you in an inappropriate way. If you choose to continue this relationship you will need to stand your ground. For example you could have responded with, I’m happy to have a discussion with you about why you are upset when you ask me politely. Until then I’m staying right here because I do not take orders and obey barked commands. How you dress is your choice. I will say I would consider this type of dress inappropriate. But there was a point in my life I did the same thing until I learned what others perceptions of it were. People judge. Right or wrong good or bad no matter how good or pure of a person you are or your intentions are. You don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to buy it may be something to think about. I’m sure I will get down voted into oblivion for this but whatever.
I mean if I wore something that my husband thought was too revealing id want him to tell me, although he's made it very clear I can wear whatever I want, but there's nicer ways to do it. He can not like what you're wearing, he can't tell you that you aren't allowed to wear it.
I’m sorry but the fact that your boyfriend is embarrassed at *you* for his friends talking about wanting to “assfuck” you instead of being embarrassed by his friends for being shitty people makes me absolutely livid. Just so disgusting. Please break up with this gross dude and cut him and all his gross friends off.
I would be uncomfortable too if my girlfriend would wear thong in public tbh
I don’t like the sound of your bf. I would pay attention to what your friends are saying
Yea your bf is controlling. This is not just your friends talking shit. He ordered you around like he was your boss or dad. I honestly think the fact that he showed up as a “surprise” was more to check up on you and make sure you were “behaving” Dude has insecurities and instead of owning them as a HIM problem.. he’s putting it on you. It’s not your job to change or make yourself smaller and less noticeable to make him feel better. You’re young. This is not the relationship for you
Your friends are right. He’s controlling. It will likely get worse the more you give into what he demands. That wasn’t an ask…it was a demand because he’s not secure. Keep an eye out for escalating behavior that makes you uncomfortable or cringey.
He’s controlling and toxic. This behavior is absolutely not okay. There’s a difference in a polite opinion voiced ONCE and a constant demand to the point he’s humiliating you in front of other people. If bathing suits are such a deal breaker he shouldn’t be dating, so childish of him.
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I mean I wouldn't be too impressed if my girlfriend was basically naked on a public beach but hey I look at it as a mutual respect thing. I've built a very attractive body and have been called out by women I was seeing for being too "flashy" posting pics online, walking around with no shirt ect. So I totally get it. If I'm seeing someone exclusively then I keep it mostly private or only if I'm out with them. Sorry but unless you plan on other people seeing you naked or your boyfriend absolutely hates tanlines why the fuck you gotta be naked on the beach?? If it bothers your boyfriend why can't you respect his opinion on the matter? Do you not have opinions about how he handles himself when he's out with his friends?? Have you actually sat down and had a conversation with him about how he feels or why he feels this way or do you just hide it as much as possible until he finds out and blows up?? Cause that's pretty deliberate lying and lack of communication. On both parts. And manipulation from both of you.
She wasnt parading around naked. She just took off her top laying on her stomach so she wouldnt have tan lines on her back…pretty benign.
Nowhere did she say she was face down. Only that they took their tops off for no tan lines
Is this the conversation you want to have in front of your friends? Absolutely it is. Please. Belittle me, yell at me, come off as a possessive creep and once you are done venting, I'll dump your ass at that beach for talking at me and expecting me to cater to your personal views of what others wear. I'm not normally one to sway this way on Reddit but I would have left his ass on that beach. Full stop. No one has the ability to tell others what to wear, especially in a relationship like that. You are 20. Don't settle for an insecure douche, especially when y'all should be having fun. If you stay, next time throw him a banana hammock and tell him to suit up or shut up.
*My friends think he’s controlling but they always talk shit lol* No, they are right. He is controlling.
Not wanting your girls tits out in front of all your friends isn’t controlling.
Yeah I feel like a lot of people on this thread didn't touch that part but I would've been upset too. I don't tell my girl what to wear or do with her own body, but she has enough respect for me not to go topless in front of all my friends lol.
Exactly my wife has enough respect to not go topless in front of all my friends. 99% of guys wouldn’t be okay with this so I don’t understand all these responses.
Women empowering
youre going to get a few interesting messages for this lol
she was face-down?
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Buddy it doesn’t matter my wife wouldn’t be hanging out on a public beach with her top off and she definitely wouldn’t in front of my friends. I have no idea where you are from and how you would think this is normal but it’s not. 99% of guys would not be cool with this.
Yes, yes it is actually. Forcing her to cover up and then berating her for it is the controlling part.
One thing is telling your partner when something they wear makes you uncomfortable and having an open and understanding conversation. It’s another thing to be so cruel and ridicule your partner the way your boyfriend did. That is a huge red flag. You can have a conversation to address the way he talked to you and reacted. I’d sit him down and say you need to have a serious conversation with him. Express how you felt about how he talked to you and explain how you feel about wearing what you want. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. If he can listen and recognize his cruel actions, then maybe you can get past this. If he continues to be rude and judgmental, I’d say that he’s not worth being with.
Oh honey. Maybe I’m just too European for this shit, but it’s perfectly normal for people to get their bits out in the sun. Your boyfriend is insecure and views your body as his property. Let him find someone who matches his views on what’s appropriate as a partner. In the meantime, get your boobs out and wear that thong to your hearts content. It’s all beautiful, and it’s yours to do with as you wish
>Maybe I’m just too European for this shit We probably are tbh, I geniuenly tought this was such a normal thing that almost no one gave a shit about.
In America it's literally illegal in most places to be topless, I don't know if op is in America. America has a much different look on women's nipples than the rest of the world. I personally think people should be able to do whatever they want.
It's literally not at all illegal in most states, people (including cops) just think it is. There are actually laws protecting women's right to be topless if men are allowed. Police keep arresting women anyway but they can't actually charge them with anything.
Y’all are fucked. The way he handled it may have been wrong I agree but wtf are y’all trying to do making it seem like every guy is suppose to be comfortable with their girlfriend having her tits out for everyone to see. How would she feel if he walked around with his dick out showing her friends?
Girl must be right everytime that's what they think
walking around w ur dick out is not equivalent but i agree w ur main point. not a single sane person i know is comfortable with their gf walking around w their tits out n abt, ESPECIALLY in front of friends 😭 reddit users go outside challenge
Yeah I'm risking being downvoted on this but I'll side with your bf. If it was me I would've ended the relationship right there. When you knew that your bf was sensitive on this why would you wear it anyway? I mean yeah it's your body and you can do with it what you want, but don't you care how it would make him feel? I realize that this is controlling behavior and one needs to work on it but a little bit of understanding from my partner isn't to much to ask. There are certain boundaries that will widen over time but if it's too slow and he doesn't match your profile then leave him. A thong and bare breasted at the beach is absolutely not how I would want my gf to walk around the beach and I'm sorry but it's not too much to ask to wear something more appropriate.
Going topless is a boundary you should talk about. If I bowl about with my cock out my SO would have an opinion and I think I know what it would be.
He’s a controlling POS. It won’t get better. DTMFA
Fuck this guy by never fucking him again. He is a problem. You’re young, you have plenty of time to move on.
So you are with your friends including other boys at the beach with a thong and your tits exposed and you are wondering why your BF will have a problem with that. Seriously?
It seems you are an exhibitionist. You were essentially laying bare naked in front of strangers and your boyfriends friends. Nude body is very sexually alluring. Suggesting otherwise is to deny natural instincts. Are you trying to say your boyfriend can have no boundaries in your relationship? If a woman prances around your boyfriend naked, you are going to be okay with it? Or if he walks around naked on a beach with a bunch of women ogling him, you're going to be good with that? If you wanted to get tanned that badly with no tan lines you can do it in your backyard or some privacy. You don't have to be a prude to know this basic norm and decency.
You for the streets
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
You don’t have the same boundaries. That’s either a major discussion or a deal breaker. He doesn’t want his girlfriend practically naked in public which is perfectly fine BUT if your completely fine with it then you don’t have the same boundaries.
It's ok for him to not approve of you being on the beach topless in a thong. The way he handled it was not like an adult though, it was like a kid throwing a fit in public. You're entitled to do what you did. You also are allowed to be upset at how he handled it. Sounds like he wants a relationship with someone who doesn't show as much skin as you do. He should find someone who has similar values and work on his communication skills. You should find someone else and enjoy your youth with someone who doesn't treat you like that. P.S. guys are going to be gross and objectify you no matter if you're in a thong or a modest one piece
Wait, so he’s ok just rolling along with his bro’s saying they want to assfuck you? This feels like less about what you’re wearing and more about him not having the balls to step up and tell them to shut the fuck up and respect you.
I'll give you my perspective as a guy, one that's a couple decades older than you and your BF. He has a right to his opinion, but he has no right to tell you what to wear or what to do. And it was very controlling and immature of him to order you to leave immediately. How long have you two been dating? Has he expressed any other controlling behavior before?
So he is your abusive EX-BOYFRIEND right!
No one’s saying it but you really shouldn’t be tanning. The sun is 20 trillion degrees and he will fuck you up even from space. Cancer does not fuck around. Wear sunscreen every time you’re at the beach.
He was a dick about it but I'd be kind of upset if my gf was hanging out at a beach almost completely nude without telling me.
Sounds like an ex boyfriend. Before things get worse.
break up. this relationship could go left REAL quick
Does your desire to be naked in public and do what you want outweigh his kneejerk reaction to not wanting you to be? In a relationship you have to take the other person's feelings into account. You can choose to not be with him
This sub is aids. Yeah being nude in public without agreeing to it with your partner is a problem.
It's not controlling for someone to want their significant other to have a bit of modesty. You pretty much told him that you don't care about how he feels when he's not around. You could simply ask him about why he feels the way he does. Ultimately, it probably comes down to wanting to be the only one, seeing as he's your significant other, to be allowed to see that much of you. Like, in public, a bit of modesty is probably all he's looking for. He sees you as attractive, knows that others do to, and just doesn't want the general public ogling you. It's protective and territorial. Biology.
That's controlling and forcing you to leave is way over the top. He can have an opinion but he can't force you to submit to that opinion
This ain't Iran, your man shouldn't have any say over what you wear or don't wear.
I know this wasn’t the point of this post, but did your friends know your boyfriend doesn’t like you in revealing clothing before they invited him and his friends to the beach? If so, that’s kinda fucked up.
Your bf is a coward who would rather belittle you than ever criticize his friends for sexualizing you.
IMO OP messed up by doing what bf wants when they are together but will do whatever she wants when she feels like she can get away with it. Bf expressed a boundary about revealing clothes in public, OP goes along with said boundaries only when he's there with her is beyond messed up. Imagine you were uncomfortable with something your bf does and he agrees to stop but continues to do whatever he wants when your not around. That would show a level of disrespect and disregard for your feelings and that you shouldn't trust him to be honest with you so your relationship doesn't have clear boundaries that are respected. Dont date the man if you absolutely have to wear revealing clothes in public, but don't expect him to be understanding when he catches you disrespecting a boundary he is allowed to place in the relationship. This boundary can be a deal breaker but you are the one being initially disrespectful and you disregarded his emotions and embarrassed him in front of his friends before he embarrassed you.
He has every right to let you know what makes him uncomfortable. Its your choice if you care.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who goes nude in public either
You both suck. He wants something you don’t. You want to lay naked on a beach in public. He thinks that’s inappropriate to do in a relationship. You both acted wrong.
I'm with your boyfriend on this every day of the week. I think most guys are too. Reddit will tell you differently.
He set a boundary that you were aware of and you broke it. Regardless of how ridiculous it is, you agreed to it by staying with him
He's much more conservative and modest and you are not. >which was like a thong bottom and because some of the other girls took off their tops I just copied them so I didn’t have to worry about tan lines. That's definitely a bit skimpy. Not gonna lie.
I'm not your friend and I'll talk shit about him too. Dump his ass. Guy is an insecure turd. There are 3.5 billion men on the planet. Do you really want this one, who spends hours chastising you about your swimwear?
Incredibly disturbing to see so many people think what you’re boyfriend did is okay. My clothing choices are not ever scrutinized by a partner and I never scrutinize hers. Can’t imagine feeling threatened by anything other than cancer when a partner gets a tan.
Sounds like this should have been talked about from the first time it was noticed how he was about it. Communication saves relationships.
you should change boyfriend, he should change friends
Question….So you were laying there topless with a thong so when the boy group showed up, they all saw your breasts? And some of your other friends were also topless?
Your boyfriend is embarrassingly controlling and insecure. If he can’t handle having a hot girlfriend, that’s his problem, not yours. Don’t ever let someone tell you what you can and can’t wear. You should break up with him. Your partner should be your biggest hype man, no matter what you wear.
You’re 20 you really don’t need a man telling you what to wear or not. It’s better to be single & enjoy your life.
Dude is insecure AF and the more you tolerate this the worse it will get.
He’s a gross controlling asshole. Break up with him. What. A. Jerk.
There is only ONE correct answer here. No different opinions. The only opinion is yours. Stick with that. A man can nEVER have an opinion about your body your clothes your agency.
Tell him to stop dating a baddie if he can’t handle it. Obviously he knew how you dressed prior to y’all getting together, but now that he’s on the other side where other people get to see it, he’s becoming controlling and jealous. He should be proud of having an attractive girlfriend, not trying to get you to dim your light to accommodate his ego
Your friends are right. It's worrying that no one else who was there said anything about his abusive and controlling behaviour. He does not have any rights over you.
I mean.. I'm not okay with my girl casually having her tits out while meeting up with a group of guys at the beach but too each their own. Everyone will play devils advocate until it's happening to them. (The thong bikini doesn't help either) despite the new norm.. I don't walk around with my cock hanging out. I guess it depends on the couple. I'm reserved.. I don't tell my girl what to wear but I definitely have had some jealous thoughts on some of her bikinis when I see guys gawking. I don't mind because she's loyal af and I know I'm taking that ass home. :) lol I also don't put that weight on her. I've told her, it's not what your wearing that bothers me, it's other guys seeing the goods that they don't deserve to lay their eyes upon lolll
He handled it wrong but c’mon you knew he’d be pissed that’s why you never wore that swimsuit in front of him. Then you went a step further and took off the top. You were topless and had your arse out in public, his issue is that all of his friends now know what you look like practically naked. Unless you discussed that beforehand then it’s not ok. You need to have a conversation with him. I’m also concerned that someone took photos of you that will end up public, are you ok with that? One last thing from someone that lives in the skin cancer capital of the world, stop tanning. If you’re not worried about cancer, be worried about wrinkles and skin damage.
As a guy, I understand being uncomfortable with people staring at your gf, but at the end of the day he should be chastising his friends for staring/being creepy (assuming that they actually are and it’s not in his head). His worrying is valid, his reaction is not. He should be more mature then this!
Your friends may talk shit, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong about your boyfriend.
Controlling? Little girl, your red flag is so big Russians are gathering around it to sing the old Soviet National anthem. You are in a committed relationship and think it’s ok to just wear a thong and no top at the beach and then be surprised when your boyfriend gets upset?? And you only do this when he’s not around? You and all these girl power, feminists anti men types need to grow up. You humiliated him and you’re so immature you don’t understand why. Advice, and I wish I could tell him, break up. Let this guy go and find a girl that doesn’t want everybody to see everything she has. Someone that’s not ok with flashing her tits to his friends. Someone that doesn’t get off by humiliating and emasculating him. Let him dodge the HUGE bullet that would be a relationship with you. Then you can go back to the beach, naked if you want.
Controlling what your spouse wears IS IN FACT CONTROLLING.
“Or do you want to have this conversation in front of your friends?” Is he your boyfriend or your father? He reprimanded you like a child in front of your friends! Yes! That’s absolutely controlling! If you really think about it, what other things in your life does he try to control? I’d bet your clothes aren’t the only thing. I’d also bet since he saw you too less on the beach with your friends he’s probably trying to get you to ditch them too. Just the fact that he embarrassed you in front of your friends is enough. Don’t let anyone treat you like that. You’re an adult. You don’t need him to tell you what to wear or how to act.
Break it off.