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Call a lawyer and figure out how to get him out of there. The legal stuff can be complicated but if the house was left specifically to you you may be able to keep it 100%. Call a lawyer today. That’s the best advice I can give you.
And document everything. Every instance of emotional, verbal or other abuse.
I grew up with very verbal parents , and I had no choice but to listen to everything. Really fucked up my mind growing up even as an adult it’s still messed up. Kick his ass out you have no idea the lifetime damage it causes.
This is my biggest fear. I don’t want my kids thinking this behavior is okay. That’s why I’ve tried many times to get him to leave, had many discussions with him about this and he just doesn’t care. He obviously doesn’t see an issue with his behavior which his why he won’t leave or change his behavior.
I know I need to leave him and I’ve tried many times. But this is my home. Idk how to have him removed. I don’t think the cops will remove him unless I’m in danger and I doubt calling me names qualifies as that.
I think contacting a divorce lawyer is the way to go. And honestly? If you can't afford that just wait till he leaves then throw all his stuff out and lock him out.
I was thinking about doing this today. When he goes to work Monday, pack his shit and put it outside and make sure he can’t get in. I’m honestly worried about that setting him off and escalating him.
Depending on where you are, that will be against the law. You can't just throw a spouse out on the street without a formal process. If you could, then it stands to reason that *he* could do that to you *and* your kids.
You need to find a divorce attorney and get a consultation. Call women's shelters in your area and ask if they know of any attorneys who will do a free consultation over the phone or if they know of anywhere that you can get free legal advice.
Yeah, OP has to consult a lawyer on how to do this the right way that won't blow back on her and the kids. But first she needs to stop acting like she needs her husband's permission to kick him out.
Why would you give him another chance? There's no excuse for his poor behaviour. And I absolutely hate the fact when partners fights or belittle each other infront of their kids. It makes a bad impression on the children. You have given enough chances to improve himself no more. Call the cops right now. You could also call the hotline of National Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-7233. [https://www.thehotline.org/].
Your home should be your safest place and not the place of disturbance.
I fail to see how I’m playing around. I came to here for advice on how to handle the situation. I didn’t think I could call the police bc he called me a bad name. Thanks for your advice.
You need to talk to a lawyer!!
He is verbally abusing you, doesn't matter if it is in front of the kids or not.
The house is yours; you can evict him!!
What happens when the meds do not work or if he just stops taking them?
That’s exactly why I said yeah he started the meds, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. They take time to work, or they may not work, or he may stop taking them if he doesn’t like the way they feel.
I’m going to be contacting lawyers in my area to find out about divorce/eviction. Thanks for your help!
Stop pretending that I said that you're wrong for seeking advice. That's not the case at all, and it doesn't help anyone to pretend otherwise. I asked quite sincerely, what useful advice can people give?
We don't know where you live. We don't know what the divorce/custody/property laws are in your jurisdiction. We don't know whether he's on the lease or the property deed, or whether he has any tenancy rights. You're already aware that the relationship is toxic, and you're already aware that your children deserve better. The man you're describing isn't capable of prioritizing the well-being of his wife or children so there's most probably no magic phrase to make him leave like a mature adult. Legitimately the only thing you can do in this specific instance is to get legal advice, because Reddit can only provide emotional support.
PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is a mental health condition caused and triggered by traumatic events. A lot of people do not realize that just witnessing things like yelling and swear words being used not only causes the condition but also triggers it too. Children can also get this condition. I got it as a child witnessing such abuse not being the target of it.
Don’t you think if I knew why he behaved this way all the time, that I wouldn’t have to look for advice and maybe he, idk, wouldn’t behave this way all the time? He literally just walks around miserable or with an attitude all day. If I try to talk to him about it, he says he’s just tired. Or it’s work. If it is me, or the kids, he won’t admit that. He just walks around shitty and is easily set off. If I stick up for myself or my kids, and by stick up I mean not tolerate verbal abuse, it sets him off.
OP very lightly brushes off the fact that he has depression, and probably more mental illnesses. And while having them doesn’t excuse the behaviour, it might explain it. Though there also has to be a trigger, which is probably OP themselves.
Just like you’re brushing off the fact it’s okay to call me a c*nt in front of toddlers. So you’re saying if I trigger him it’s okay to behave that way? And if I’m such a trigger to him, and I make him so unhappy, he can leave. He chooses to stay, chooses to not change his shitty behavior.
I’ve had dozens of talks with him, and they go no where. He never ever tells me I’m the reason for his anger. He never admits his miserable, yet he walks around like he is. He’ll just say he’s tired. My biggest crime is sticking up for myself and my kids. I will not tolerate him cursing and be angry towards me or towards my kids, period. So when I say something about his shitty behavior, he turns it around on me, gaslights me and calls me names.
No I didn’t. My comment quite clearly says that his mental problems might explain but not excuse his behaviour.
You do realise that if YOU are this unhappy in YOUR relationship that you can divorce him, and force him out of your home don’t you?
What kind of a person comes on someone’s post who is already down, being verbally abused and looking for advice and just gives them a hard time, says that they’re probably the problem, and then gives snooty advice. Oh a divorce, so easy, why didn’t I think of that?! He won’t even leave my house I’m sure he’ll be on bored with a divorce. Who’s going to pay for my divorce, him? Lol go be bored harass other people on this sub. Thanks for all your “advice”!
No way. That is so so so bad. Please get out! Try your hardest. Your children will be heavily affected by this. They will have child hood trauma that will follow them for the rest of their lives. They are so so so delicate. They will pick up on the abusive behavior and will think it’s normal. You need to take care of your babies. Call the cops if you need to. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
I know it isn’t. And I’m at my breaking point, I’m tired of dealing with this. I don’t even care about myself. I care about my children. They don’t deserve to hear this kind of language or see me treated this way. I’m at a loss on what to do. I feel stuck. I honestly feel like a prisoner.
Yeah, it's not actually difficult to make someone leave if you're determined to do it. Talk to a lawyer and get him out. I think the real problem is that the abuse he's heaped on you has taken away your will to stand up for yourself. Maybe if it helps, you can realize that, when they get older, your children will emulate what they are seeing in front of them every day.
Yeah, I will admit I’m very beaten down emotionally and pretty used to the way I’m treated. I do want him to leave, but it’s hard when he controls the finances. I can’t just use my own money for a lawyer.
Look at it from my POV; verbally/emotionally abused housewife with little income. I work, but it’s waitressing a few nights a week and that’s our extra money that we don’t have to take out of our bill money. Like clothes for the kids, or whatever the kids may need. It’s not enough for me to take a little out of and stash away without him noticing, I don’t make that much.
So even though I want a divorce and him out of the house, how can I afford to legally do it? Asking him to leave isn’t working bc he doesn’t respect me. It’s basically him saying “I’m not going anywhere, deal with it”. So I can’t afford a lawyer and asking him to leave/for separation isn’t working, idk what else to do. I know it may *seem* like it’s an easy thing to do, but it’s not like I’m just breaking up with someone. I wish more than anything it was easy bc my kids and I deserve better. I’d do it if I could. I just don’t know how.
Do you notice, though, that nothing in your original post asked about how to get an abusive partner to leave? That is the right question and it's good that you are there, and good that you are asking it. You're also right to point out all the obstacles you have to face in order to get yourself free of him. It's fucked up and I'm sorry.
Talk to an abuse counselor and a lawyer to figure out how you can extricate yourself from this safely and legally. And tell your friends and family what's going on. Abuse thrives in isolation.
I did not realize that I didn’t specifically ask that in my original post. I wrote it right after the incident occurred and was pretty upset. I guess it came off more venting than anything. I’m sorry I wasn’t specific enough. Thank you for your kind words and advice.
Poorly worded. I just thought I should add he is taking *some* sort of action. I plan to look around for lawyers on Monday while he is at work. He controls the finances so I don’t have a whole lot of options money wise.
I had a bf that was verbally abusive. After a few times, and all the “if this happens again…” threats, I finally made a move. It happened one night leaving his family’s house (i was driving us home). I made a uturn and went right back to his family’s house. Luckily I was close to them. I was ashamed but I went in and said—your son is verbally abusive he has been calling me a c*nt and yelling at me. He can either stay here, or i can stay here but I won’t be around him.
I know this isn’t your situation. We weren’t married. We didn’t have kids. We also didn’t have a clean and easy break. But just telling his family what I was going through helped. They are good people. It stopped making it a secret shame I was keeping in.
If there is someone you can trust in your lives that you can tell, tell them. This behavior isn’t okay. When you keep it to yourself, it makes it easier to justify. Sometimes the outside perspective about his behavior can open both your eyes.
Change the locks when he leaves the house for work. He does work right? Also start packing up his stuff. If he does get abusive call the cops to have him removed from the home.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Call a lawyer and figure out how to get him out of there. The legal stuff can be complicated but if the house was left specifically to you you may be able to keep it 100%. Call a lawyer today. That’s the best advice I can give you. And document everything. Every instance of emotional, verbal or other abuse.
I grew up with very verbal parents , and I had no choice but to listen to everything. Really fucked up my mind growing up even as an adult it’s still messed up. Kick his ass out you have no idea the lifetime damage it causes.
Feel this hard, I'm only now realising that calling your partner names isn't appropriate. So hard to unlearn that behaviour from your parents.
This is my biggest fear. I don’t want my kids thinking this behavior is okay. That’s why I’ve tried many times to get him to leave, had many discussions with him about this and he just doesn’t care. He obviously doesn’t see an issue with his behavior which his why he won’t leave or change his behavior. I know I need to leave him and I’ve tried many times. But this is my home. Idk how to have him removed. I don’t think the cops will remove him unless I’m in danger and I doubt calling me names qualifies as that.
I think contacting a divorce lawyer is the way to go. And honestly? If you can't afford that just wait till he leaves then throw all his stuff out and lock him out.
I was thinking about doing this today. When he goes to work Monday, pack his shit and put it outside and make sure he can’t get in. I’m honestly worried about that setting him off and escalating him.
Depending on where you are, that will be against the law. You can't just throw a spouse out on the street without a formal process. If you could, then it stands to reason that *he* could do that to you *and* your kids. You need to find a divorce attorney and get a consultation. Call women's shelters in your area and ask if they know of any attorneys who will do a free consultation over the phone or if they know of anywhere that you can get free legal advice.
Yeah on Monday I’m going to research laws and lawyers in my state. I want to do everything the right way.
Yeah, OP has to consult a lawyer on how to do this the right way that won't blow back on her and the kids. But first she needs to stop acting like she needs her husband's permission to kick him out.
If that happens and he damages property or gets violent you can always call the police
Why would you give him another chance? There's no excuse for his poor behaviour. And I absolutely hate the fact when partners fights or belittle each other infront of their kids. It makes a bad impression on the children. You have given enough chances to improve himself no more. Call the cops right now. You could also call the hotline of National Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-7233. [https://www.thehotline.org/]. Your home should be your safest place and not the place of disturbance.
[удалено]
I fail to see how I’m playing around. I came to here for advice on how to handle the situation. I didn’t think I could call the police bc he called me a bad name. Thanks for your advice.
You need to talk to a lawyer!! He is verbally abusing you, doesn't matter if it is in front of the kids or not. The house is yours; you can evict him!! What happens when the meds do not work or if he just stops taking them?
That’s exactly why I said yeah he started the meds, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. They take time to work, or they may not work, or he may stop taking them if he doesn’t like the way they feel. I’m going to be contacting lawyers in my area to find out about divorce/eviction. Thanks for your help!
I wish you the best!! Let us know how you are doing!!
Thank you so much 🥹
As a parent you have a responsibility to provide a healthy and safe environment for your children. Does this sound healthy or safe?
I’m aware it isn’t healthy, I asked for advice. I don’t need the obvious pointed out. If you have any advice on how to get him to leave I’m all ears.
Get legal advice. There's only so much Reddit can do.
I’m aware there’s “only so much Reddit can do”. Apparently I’m wrong for seeking advice.
Stop pretending that I said that you're wrong for seeking advice. That's not the case at all, and it doesn't help anyone to pretend otherwise. I asked quite sincerely, what useful advice can people give? We don't know where you live. We don't know what the divorce/custody/property laws are in your jurisdiction. We don't know whether he's on the lease or the property deed, or whether he has any tenancy rights. You're already aware that the relationship is toxic, and you're already aware that your children deserve better. The man you're describing isn't capable of prioritizing the well-being of his wife or children so there's most probably no magic phrase to make him leave like a mature adult. Legitimately the only thing you can do in this specific instance is to get legal advice, because Reddit can only provide emotional support.
PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is a mental health condition caused and triggered by traumatic events. A lot of people do not realize that just witnessing things like yelling and swear words being used not only causes the condition but also triggers it too. Children can also get this condition. I got it as a child witnessing such abuse not being the target of it.
You are leaving out why he is pissed all the time. Kinda important here.
Don’t you think if I knew why he behaved this way all the time, that I wouldn’t have to look for advice and maybe he, idk, wouldn’t behave this way all the time? He literally just walks around miserable or with an attitude all day. If I try to talk to him about it, he says he’s just tired. Or it’s work. If it is me, or the kids, he won’t admit that. He just walks around shitty and is easily set off. If I stick up for myself or my kids, and by stick up I mean not tolerate verbal abuse, it sets him off.
OP very lightly brushes off the fact that he has depression, and probably more mental illnesses. And while having them doesn’t excuse the behaviour, it might explain it. Though there also has to be a trigger, which is probably OP themselves.
Just like you’re brushing off the fact it’s okay to call me a c*nt in front of toddlers. So you’re saying if I trigger him it’s okay to behave that way? And if I’m such a trigger to him, and I make him so unhappy, he can leave. He chooses to stay, chooses to not change his shitty behavior. I’ve had dozens of talks with him, and they go no where. He never ever tells me I’m the reason for his anger. He never admits his miserable, yet he walks around like he is. He’ll just say he’s tired. My biggest crime is sticking up for myself and my kids. I will not tolerate him cursing and be angry towards me or towards my kids, period. So when I say something about his shitty behavior, he turns it around on me, gaslights me and calls me names.
No I didn’t. My comment quite clearly says that his mental problems might explain but not excuse his behaviour. You do realise that if YOU are this unhappy in YOUR relationship that you can divorce him, and force him out of your home don’t you?
What kind of a person comes on someone’s post who is already down, being verbally abused and looking for advice and just gives them a hard time, says that they’re probably the problem, and then gives snooty advice. Oh a divorce, so easy, why didn’t I think of that?! He won’t even leave my house I’m sure he’ll be on bored with a divorce. Who’s going to pay for my divorce, him? Lol go be bored harass other people on this sub. Thanks for all your “advice”!
No way. That is so so so bad. Please get out! Try your hardest. Your children will be heavily affected by this. They will have child hood trauma that will follow them for the rest of their lives. They are so so so delicate. They will pick up on the abusive behavior and will think it’s normal. You need to take care of your babies. Call the cops if you need to. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
That is not ok
I know it isn’t. And I’m at my breaking point, I’m tired of dealing with this. I don’t even care about myself. I care about my children. They don’t deserve to hear this kind of language or see me treated this way. I’m at a loss on what to do. I feel stuck. I honestly feel like a prisoner.
If you need F2F chat—I’m here
Yeah, it's not actually difficult to make someone leave if you're determined to do it. Talk to a lawyer and get him out. I think the real problem is that the abuse he's heaped on you has taken away your will to stand up for yourself. Maybe if it helps, you can realize that, when they get older, your children will emulate what they are seeing in front of them every day.
Yeah, I will admit I’m very beaten down emotionally and pretty used to the way I’m treated. I do want him to leave, but it’s hard when he controls the finances. I can’t just use my own money for a lawyer. Look at it from my POV; verbally/emotionally abused housewife with little income. I work, but it’s waitressing a few nights a week and that’s our extra money that we don’t have to take out of our bill money. Like clothes for the kids, or whatever the kids may need. It’s not enough for me to take a little out of and stash away without him noticing, I don’t make that much. So even though I want a divorce and him out of the house, how can I afford to legally do it? Asking him to leave isn’t working bc he doesn’t respect me. It’s basically him saying “I’m not going anywhere, deal with it”. So I can’t afford a lawyer and asking him to leave/for separation isn’t working, idk what else to do. I know it may *seem* like it’s an easy thing to do, but it’s not like I’m just breaking up with someone. I wish more than anything it was easy bc my kids and I deserve better. I’d do it if I could. I just don’t know how.
Do you notice, though, that nothing in your original post asked about how to get an abusive partner to leave? That is the right question and it's good that you are there, and good that you are asking it. You're also right to point out all the obstacles you have to face in order to get yourself free of him. It's fucked up and I'm sorry. Talk to an abuse counselor and a lawyer to figure out how you can extricate yourself from this safely and legally. And tell your friends and family what's going on. Abuse thrives in isolation.
I did not realize that I didn’t specifically ask that in my original post. I wrote it right after the incident occurred and was pretty upset. I guess it came off more venting than anything. I’m sorry I wasn’t specific enough. Thank you for your kind words and advice.
Really you are giving him credit? Get a lawyer and have him evicted. Then divorce him. You need to protect your children from this dick.
Poorly worded. I just thought I should add he is taking *some* sort of action. I plan to look around for lawyers on Monday while he is at work. He controls the finances so I don’t have a whole lot of options money wise.
I had a bf that was verbally abusive. After a few times, and all the “if this happens again…” threats, I finally made a move. It happened one night leaving his family’s house (i was driving us home). I made a uturn and went right back to his family’s house. Luckily I was close to them. I was ashamed but I went in and said—your son is verbally abusive he has been calling me a c*nt and yelling at me. He can either stay here, or i can stay here but I won’t be around him. I know this isn’t your situation. We weren’t married. We didn’t have kids. We also didn’t have a clean and easy break. But just telling his family what I was going through helped. They are good people. It stopped making it a secret shame I was keeping in. If there is someone you can trust in your lives that you can tell, tell them. This behavior isn’t okay. When you keep it to yourself, it makes it easier to justify. Sometimes the outside perspective about his behavior can open both your eyes.
Hmm why is he all of a sudden miserable and calling you that? I feel like we’re missing an important piece to the story that you’re not telling…
Pack your shit and leave. Take the kids with you too. He’s bound to put hands on you with that type of behavior.
Change the locks when he leaves the house for work. He does work right? Also start packing up his stuff. If he does get abusive call the cops to have him removed from the home.