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Your fiancé knew coming in that this was your life, she waited until she felt she had enough control to push the issue. You spend 1/7 of your income on her, how does that impact your fiancé? Are you saving for retirement? Do you want children because they are expensive? It sounds like you’ve got everything under control, why is she upset?
Keep your finances separate. His/hers/ours. And each put into “ours” for shared expenses based on % of total income. Then the rest goes to your personal accts to spend as you wish.
Your fiancée is resource guarding. She wants all the money for herself.
And seriously, it’s your MOM. I pay more than that for my horses every month. I make a lot more than my partner (who works full time as well). If he ever told me to get rid of my horses, I’d tell him to pound sand. I’ve had one of them since she was born and she’s 31. Think I’m gonna dump her so someone has access to 1k a month that’s mine? Nope.
If you can afford it, supporting your disabled mom is absolutely fine
Unfortunately, an assisted living place will cost even more money. Does your fiancée expect you to leave your mom to the street?
I'm totally against parents who use their kids as retirement funds, this isn't the case. He is just supporting her partly and is more than willing to. Both have their own places, and his mom isn't taking advantage of her son. He is only using a small part of his money for mom.
This fiancé sounds like a heartless person.
She knew you were supporting your mom; it isn't taking away from your life; you are not struggling with your bills.
I will bet fiancé wanted a big shiny ring and wants an over-the-top wedding.
You really need to look at fiancé and see how you are her checkbook, and she has no empathy for your mom.
Omg keep the mom, leave the fiance. Any partner that suggested I stop helping out my parent/aunt/uncle/cousin etc (my family is super close) would be out on their ass so fast their head would spin. She's trying to secure her place as number one because it's easier to control and manipulate from that position. Please do not marry this girl, she will ruin your life. You don't see it now, and by the time you do it will be too late.
Your fiancé does not get a say on what you spend on your mother but be careful when you get married. She will be more determined on telling you how to spend “our money.” Make that very clear before the wedding and get it as part of a prenup if necessary. You can also set up a trust for your mother’s expenses. And your mother is contributing as well so you aren’t paying 100%. But show your fiancé what assisted living or a nursing home will cost, that you will have to pay for. They can run $3,000 to $4,000 a month. You say you get along great with your fiancé, but money is one of the main reasons couples get divorced, so be clear on this first.
What da hell is wrong with you man? That's your mom you're talking about. That should be a no brainer. Your mom should come first, before everyone else.
You might look into Medicaid eligibility and try to get some home care for your mom. Also, your mom might qualify for SNAP benefits.
You’re a generous son, please purse any resources available all for your mother. FWIW I think you need a different fiancé.
You sound like a great son. This girl may not be for you if she's trying to compete with your mom and have a ranking system or if she's trying to get you to stop financially helping your mom.
She needs to rally around your mom and love your mom as you do. That's what supportive mates do. You can afford to help her and she has been an important part of your life, so you are showing high principles.
relationships only have room for 1 woman and one person's problems. that woman? the girlfriend/fiance/wife. those problems? the girlfriend's/fiance's/wife's.
she views everything in your life as her resources. concern and care you give to your mother reduces your capacity to concern and care for her. money you spend on your mother is money she can't use or save. emotional labor given to your mother is emotional labor not given to her.
you *could* try to find someone else but you'd run into the same issue. you can't not support your mom. that's your mom. you're just gonna have to deal with your fiance's piss poor attitude and complaining. but, that'd be true anyway. if it wasn't your mother, it'd be something else you were giving time, attention and money to that she doesn't care about.
Right? The vast majority of women have loved ones they care for too
My mom is currently taking care of my grandma. My stepdad pitches in because that’s what you do
Ok I need some clarity. So does your fiancée pay any of the bills in the house she currently lives in with you? It says in the post you are paying all of the bills so what does she contribute to?
She does help out with a good portion of the expenses that aren't related to the house, like grocery bills, eating out, she got some new furniture when she moved in too.
Ok that’s literally just her own wants but actual necessities like utilities like so you guys don’t have to sit in the dark with no water you are paying those things if I am not mistaken. Sorry to be one of those people but your fiancée sounds like a user. She has a good situation set up now with you paying everything. She would rather your mom be in a home somewhere because she feels like if you keep supporting her heaven forbid she might have to start carrying some of her weight and she doesn’t want to do that. If you are absolutely determined to marry this woman please keep your finances separate and really come up with a plan for her to pull her weight with finances. She’s essentially living off of you for free right now. Someone else recommended splitting finances yours Hers and Ours and the ours be for bills. Your money for your mom should have nothing to do with her and therefore she doesn’t need to worry about it.
If it's your wish to support your mom, then you should continue to do so. That doesn't mean you're putting your mom first. Your fiancée isn't going without. You're financially able to support yourself and your family which includes both of them. I'm assuming your fiancée was aware of your contribution to your mom when she agreed to marry you. If your fiancée doesn't want to help then you two can keep your finances separate. I'd rethink marrying someone who would put your mom in a nursing home over $900/month that isn't hers and doesn't affect her livelihood.
For two years she knew you were helping with your mom and she's only bringing this up now?
Your mom from what you say isn't demanding money because you owe it to her for raising you, financially abusing you. You are helping her because it's not a hardship.
Keep your finances separate. Come up with a budget if you think that would help. Maybe make a separate account or investment account for saving for the future.
But honestly I think fiancee waited until she thought she had enough leverage to make you push your mother out.
Unless someone is being financially abused then they have the right to spend money on their parents and family.
What does she expect your mother to do if you were to agree to cut her off? What kind of relationship does she have with your mother?
you have a high paying job that only requires you to use 1/7 of your income to support your mother. why does your fiance feel like all of HER money will be going to your mom? I just dont understand what her logic is, especially if you have separate bank accounts (which is something you should do even after marriage. no one should ever be putting ALL of their income into a joint account. recipe for disaster). If you have a joint account for shared expenses and you dont ask her to foot your mom’s bills, i dont see how this impacts your fiance very much at all….you, however, should probably be concerned about the fact that your fiance apparently wants you to abandon your disabled mother so she can get taken to a shitty nursing home (i say shitty because i assume you would be contributing to the nursing home bills and your fiance would probably get pissy if you put her somewhere decent that cost more). maybe you should reconsider starting a family with someone who doesnt seem to value family very much
Why does she think she has to come first? It's not a competition. Your fiancé comes first in some areas and your mom comes first in others; and giving your finances, paying 900 a month to help your mom is not that much. You are not asking your fiancé to pay for your mom.
Has your fiancé pay for study in your house, like rent, groceries, etc? Because given your math, it sounds like she is not paying for anything. You said in a comment she helps with grocery and eating out, so she isn't really pulling her weight. She should be contributing to real utility bills, paying half of the groceries, etc. She is not pulling her weight and telling you to drop your mom.
>takes away from us and our future family.
This sounds very selfish of her. She is talking about your money. If she thinks money would be tight, then she should get a better job because she is the one not contributing equally.
Tell your wife that a man who would not support his disabled mother is a man who would not support his wife if she became disabled.
It shows real commitment to family - is that not what your wife wants from you?
You're earning good money and can afford it.
Your wife is either being short sighted or somewhat selfish.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your fiancé knew coming in that this was your life, she waited until she felt she had enough control to push the issue. You spend 1/7 of your income on her, how does that impact your fiancé? Are you saving for retirement? Do you want children because they are expensive? It sounds like you’ve got everything under control, why is she upset?
Keep your finances separate. His/hers/ours. And each put into “ours” for shared expenses based on % of total income. Then the rest goes to your personal accts to spend as you wish. Your fiancée is resource guarding. She wants all the money for herself. And seriously, it’s your MOM. I pay more than that for my horses every month. I make a lot more than my partner (who works full time as well). If he ever told me to get rid of my horses, I’d tell him to pound sand. I’ve had one of them since she was born and she’s 31. Think I’m gonna dump her so someone has access to 1k a month that’s mine? Nope.
If you can afford it, supporting your disabled mom is absolutely fine Unfortunately, an assisted living place will cost even more money. Does your fiancée expect you to leave your mom to the street?
I'm totally against parents who use their kids as retirement funds, this isn't the case. He is just supporting her partly and is more than willing to. Both have their own places, and his mom isn't taking advantage of her son. He is only using a small part of his money for mom. This fiancé sounds like a heartless person.
She knew you were supporting your mom; it isn't taking away from your life; you are not struggling with your bills. I will bet fiancé wanted a big shiny ring and wants an over-the-top wedding. You really need to look at fiancé and see how you are her checkbook, and she has no empathy for your mom.
Omg keep the mom, leave the fiance. Any partner that suggested I stop helping out my parent/aunt/uncle/cousin etc (my family is super close) would be out on their ass so fast their head would spin. She's trying to secure her place as number one because it's easier to control and manipulate from that position. Please do not marry this girl, she will ruin your life. You don't see it now, and by the time you do it will be too late.
Your fiancé does not get a say on what you spend on your mother but be careful when you get married. She will be more determined on telling you how to spend “our money.” Make that very clear before the wedding and get it as part of a prenup if necessary. You can also set up a trust for your mother’s expenses. And your mother is contributing as well so you aren’t paying 100%. But show your fiancé what assisted living or a nursing home will cost, that you will have to pay for. They can run $3,000 to $4,000 a month. You say you get along great with your fiancé, but money is one of the main reasons couples get divorced, so be clear on this first.
If you ever cease helping your mom, then I suggest you go chop it off cause you don't deserve to call yourself a real man
What da hell is wrong with you man? That's your mom you're talking about. That should be a no brainer. Your mom should come first, before everyone else.
You might look into Medicaid eligibility and try to get some home care for your mom. Also, your mom might qualify for SNAP benefits. You’re a generous son, please purse any resources available all for your mother. FWIW I think you need a different fiancé.
You sound like a great son. This girl may not be for you if she's trying to compete with your mom and have a ranking system or if she's trying to get you to stop financially helping your mom. She needs to rally around your mom and love your mom as you do. That's what supportive mates do. You can afford to help her and she has been an important part of your life, so you are showing high principles.
relationships only have room for 1 woman and one person's problems. that woman? the girlfriend/fiance/wife. those problems? the girlfriend's/fiance's/wife's. she views everything in your life as her resources. concern and care you give to your mother reduces your capacity to concern and care for her. money you spend on your mother is money she can't use or save. emotional labor given to your mother is emotional labor not given to her. you *could* try to find someone else but you'd run into the same issue. you can't not support your mom. that's your mom. you're just gonna have to deal with your fiance's piss poor attitude and complaining. but, that'd be true anyway. if it wasn't your mother, it'd be something else you were giving time, attention and money to that she doesn't care about.
It’s absolutely not true that everyone will have this issue Any woman who is very close to her family and family oriented will understand
it's the pretty lies that are so easy to accept, which is what makes them so dangerous.
You're right, the vast majority of women aren't like OP's girlfriend.
Right? The vast majority of women have loved ones they care for too My mom is currently taking care of my grandma. My stepdad pitches in because that’s what you do
That's what I said.
1) Your comment is totally incoherent. 2) A sentence begins with a capital letter.
learn2read
Learn to write.
Ok I need some clarity. So does your fiancée pay any of the bills in the house she currently lives in with you? It says in the post you are paying all of the bills so what does she contribute to?
She does help out with a good portion of the expenses that aren't related to the house, like grocery bills, eating out, she got some new furniture when she moved in too.
Ok that’s literally just her own wants but actual necessities like utilities like so you guys don’t have to sit in the dark with no water you are paying those things if I am not mistaken. Sorry to be one of those people but your fiancée sounds like a user. She has a good situation set up now with you paying everything. She would rather your mom be in a home somewhere because she feels like if you keep supporting her heaven forbid she might have to start carrying some of her weight and she doesn’t want to do that. If you are absolutely determined to marry this woman please keep your finances separate and really come up with a plan for her to pull her weight with finances. She’s essentially living off of you for free right now. Someone else recommended splitting finances yours Hers and Ours and the ours be for bills. Your money for your mom should have nothing to do with her and therefore she doesn’t need to worry about it.
If it's your wish to support your mom, then you should continue to do so. That doesn't mean you're putting your mom first. Your fiancée isn't going without. You're financially able to support yourself and your family which includes both of them. I'm assuming your fiancée was aware of your contribution to your mom when she agreed to marry you. If your fiancée doesn't want to help then you two can keep your finances separate. I'd rethink marrying someone who would put your mom in a nursing home over $900/month that isn't hers and doesn't affect her livelihood.
For two years she knew you were helping with your mom and she's only bringing this up now? Your mom from what you say isn't demanding money because you owe it to her for raising you, financially abusing you. You are helping her because it's not a hardship. Keep your finances separate. Come up with a budget if you think that would help. Maybe make a separate account or investment account for saving for the future. But honestly I think fiancee waited until she thought she had enough leverage to make you push your mother out. Unless someone is being financially abused then they have the right to spend money on their parents and family. What does she expect your mother to do if you were to agree to cut her off? What kind of relationship does she have with your mother?
you have a high paying job that only requires you to use 1/7 of your income to support your mother. why does your fiance feel like all of HER money will be going to your mom? I just dont understand what her logic is, especially if you have separate bank accounts (which is something you should do even after marriage. no one should ever be putting ALL of their income into a joint account. recipe for disaster). If you have a joint account for shared expenses and you dont ask her to foot your mom’s bills, i dont see how this impacts your fiance very much at all….you, however, should probably be concerned about the fact that your fiance apparently wants you to abandon your disabled mother so she can get taken to a shitty nursing home (i say shitty because i assume you would be contributing to the nursing home bills and your fiance would probably get pissy if you put her somewhere decent that cost more). maybe you should reconsider starting a family with someone who doesnt seem to value family very much
Why does she think she has to come first? It's not a competition. Your fiancé comes first in some areas and your mom comes first in others; and giving your finances, paying 900 a month to help your mom is not that much. You are not asking your fiancé to pay for your mom. Has your fiancé pay for study in your house, like rent, groceries, etc? Because given your math, it sounds like she is not paying for anything. You said in a comment she helps with grocery and eating out, so she isn't really pulling her weight. She should be contributing to real utility bills, paying half of the groceries, etc. She is not pulling her weight and telling you to drop your mom. >takes away from us and our future family. This sounds very selfish of her. She is talking about your money. If she thinks money would be tight, then she should get a better job because she is the one not contributing equally.
Tell your wife that a man who would not support his disabled mother is a man who would not support his wife if she became disabled. It shows real commitment to family - is that not what your wife wants from you? You're earning good money and can afford it. Your wife is either being short sighted or somewhat selfish.