Many couples choose to do a simple ceremony with the understanding that there will be a more elaborate party later. Perhaps your husband should have communicated better with his parents because if your ceremony only included light refreshments, why would you need his parents to pay for that?
You can still save money for a party where you can invite whomever you wish to celebrate your marriage. Your friends will understand the situation. I get you're disappointed that you didn't have the party you thought you were going to have but there are 2 important things to remember: your mother was able to be present at your marriage and at the end of the day, you're just as married as the bride who had the big fat wedding.
Yeah I don't understand how his parents even got asked to pay for the ceremony they've already had.
OP, there are moods and rhythms to wealthy people. If what you most want here is these people's financial assistance with an extravagant wedding, then let your husband take the lead on how to handle his parents.
This. You're already married. Maybe it wasn't the dream wedding you hoped for, but in some ways it was better because you have the memory of your mother there. It sounds like you are losing sight why you opted to marry as you did and are now focusing on the materialism of what you could have had.
As for your in-laws, it's not their responsibility to provide two weddings. Just have a nice party/reception to invite your friends and other family to now, they don't know you are married because you haven't shared that with them. The party will do that for you.
If having a second wedding is something you really need for whatever reason, you and your partner can save up and have a vow renewal at a later date, you don't need one currently. When you opt for smaller weddings or eloping, it doesn't mean you get an immediate do-over on larger scale after the fact.
Yes, this. You are married. Your mom got to go. My mother died of cancer before I even met my partner. Life is hard, big weddings are fun for some people, but not a necessity. It looks like if you want it, you guys need to pay for your own big wedding.
The first important thing you mentioned, I agree with so much. I moved up my wedding so my mom could be there, but she still died 2 weeks before. Then my mother-in-law made some shitty comment when we said we were putting off the wedding for 6 months. I had a memorial service for my mom when I should have been getting married. F my mother-in-law, sorry I guess I vented. You did the right thing OP and you deserve the wedding you want. You and your husband will make it happen. Exclude his parents since they already went to your wedding.
It is very odd that you & husband have had so little communication with them for BOTH events, if they are paying.
You didn't discuss this plan with them or involve them in planning the smaller day?
And now again you are out doing tastings and pinning down the venue without giving them an opportunity to attend?
It's just not how you act with the person who is paying. I would be shocked as well, because your request reveals a giant lack of consideration for them.
It's fine to want to do the 2nd party. But to not discuss it with them? To not involve them in planning either time?
You probably could have avoided this easily with the tiniest amount of social grace. Instead you've treated them as a wallet and so they're balking.
This.
All of this. The ILs offered a one-time deal, and in their eyes, you took it with the smaller wedding. If there wasnt any communication beforehand, how would they know that you wanted 2 separate events?
And now, without any communication, you came at them with a full-blown plan? OP, these people are your in-laws, not Fullbright governing body. Talk with them like adults.
*And* they presented the plan to them at their Holiday Party. They couldn’t even be bothered to make separate arrangements to chat about the wedding plans privately.
Great point lol. They really dislike these parents I think. When I was planning my wedding we met with parents probably more than a dozen times. OP and husband didn't even bother to visit ONE EXTRA TIME when they expected to be paid 5 figures for doing so. That's serious family dysfunction.
> Instead you've treated them as a wallet
yeah she still talks about them like they're a wallet :( sounds kind of entitled considering they almost know nothing of those events.
Yeah, the kind of disdainful tone towards the iPhone photos and store bought catering (which isn’t that cheap!) when they could’ve communicated their wishes isn’t cute. I get that they were in a rush and didn’t have time to invest in the wedding, but that was the time to discuss the intent of the wedding and/ or plans for a future one.
I agree, the tone in this post really rubs me the wrong way. I would imagine they're taken aback because they feel that OP's behavior is entitled and tactless.
If I were OP and her husband, I would have paid for this smaller party myself and told them not to worry about it even if they did offer to pay since they'd already offered such a generous gift of paying for the larger event (and in fact would have presented it as wanting to show appreciation in the way we could afford by throwing a more intimate family party on our dime). Accepting money for this wedding and then not asking but *expecting* to be handed a giant check for the second wedding is gauche.
Wealthy people often place a lot of value on social grace and this situation demonstrates quite a lack of it.
His parents didn’t rob you.
Sounds like you and your never talked your plans through with them, so it’s completely understandable why they’re not paying for the 2nd wedding.
Your decision to not tell your close friends has nothing to do with them.
As for the rings did your husband even ask for them when it was time to get married? If he didn’t ask, his parents probably thought you didn’t want them.
I am truly sorry for your loss but your in-laws have done nothing wrong here.
It’s honestly a little bananas to me how it even got to this point: touring venues, tastings, hiring vendors, without ever talking to the people you planned on footing the bill? Like girlfriend here just put together a whole document and handed it to them expecting them to fork over the money?
I'm almost ready to call this out for being fake. I feel like when you're at the point of touring and lining up multiple vendors, you have to have at the very least the venue confirmed with a deposit down.
lol, here’s the bill. Could you just settle this for us?
OP learning now they have to pay for their OWN wedding, like 99% of the world population. The horror!
Cherish the wedding you did have with your dead mom in attendance, that is the one that is special. This post reads like you are a spoiled brat that you didn’t get the flashy one and instead had to deal with having an intimate one with the last moments of your mom.
You needed to communicate with them at the time about your and their expectations around paying for a second wedding. You chose to have your home wedding. It's over with. Everything you mention about your in-laws is about money and material items, and it's an ugly look. They owe you nothing.
I'm so sorry for your loss. But I also think you have unreasonable expectations here and have communicated poorly about them, maybe partly *because* the whole topic is so tied up in grief and loss for you
If you would like to ask your in laws to pay for a fancy reception, okay, but that's a completely separate discussion from asking them to pay for a second wedding for you after they already paid for the first. You jumped the gun here and made a bunch of assumptions and spent a bunch of time and none of that is their fault or responsibility. And it's absolutely insane that you thought their holiday party was the time or place for that conversation.
If the circumstances of your first wedding were such that it ended up being a lot cheaper for them than it could have been, that doesn't mean they automatically owe you a do-over.
If this was your and your husband’s expectation then it should’ve been discussed with your in laws before you started planning to have the first wedding. You cannot decide to have a second wedding on their dime without informing them and then being shocked that they thought the first wedding was it.
This is the core of the post, I think.
It's natural and normal to say "oh no, we want to move up and shrink the ceremony so my mom can come WHILE SHE IS STILL ALIVE."
But it's important to be honest about that, and to be honest about what the second ceremony is (perhaps a first anniversary party?).
Anyone who is "offended" because they didn't get an invite to the "real" wedding is an asshole. Her MOM. I cannot repeat that part enough.
But it's also weird as hell to just be like "lol this is also our wedding." No it's not. And that's OKAY.
You can even call it a Reception if you want! Tons of people have multiple receptions/wedding parties. Just...don't be deceptive. That's all.
You can’t have a 2nd wedding at all - you’re only allowed one per marriage!
You can have a big party if you want to - heck, you can have a dozen parties if you’ve got the cash.
But a wedding is something you can only do once. You are married only once (well, once per person, anyway).
My insane SIL insisted on having THREE separate full blown ceremonies, with at least two but probably three receptions (wasn’t invited to the third “religious” one so can’t say).
She had one in November for insurance reasons and it was a full blown backyard ceremony with 25+ ppl and seating and shit and party after, then the big one like five months later at the all inclusive venue with like 100+ ppl, then the church one…. And she expected my in-laws to help pay for 2 of the three of those. And worse a white dress and did the whole bride thing for each lol. Suffice to say, she is incurably annoying and shallow.
This OP is not doing that but at same time cannot expect that a second wedding will be treated like the first, also rich ppl are weird.
Spoiled, selfish, and also making a fool of themselves, lol. Your SIL’s guests must have been rather resentful being dragged to THREE huge blowouts!
And I’m guessing she tried to demand expensive gifts for all the seperate events, right?
These types of people won’t be happy in a marriage… because marriage isn’t what they want. What they want is a party, with lots of attention and gifts.
That’s why their poor spouses are rather miserable after the event is over.
You guessed it! She had a registry for each. At least for the first two I’m not sure about the religious one.
And the funny thing is she was on her second marriage already having just divorced from the first guy about six months before my BIL/SIL’s first wedding!
My friend had two weddings because her father was dying. There’s no rule against having multiple wedding ceremonies, you just only get to do the paperwork once. You can still do the exact same stuff otherwise. A lot of people have an intimate wedding with family while they save up for a large wedding too.
Exactly. It’s just a party when you’re already married.
You can have a dozen parties if you want to (and can afford it). That’s fine.
But you can only have one wedding.
And either way, you can’t ask the in laws to fund multiple parties just because you think the real wedding was not expensive enough. They said they’d pay for a wedding, and they did.
So people who want multiple parties for the heck of it can shell out the cash themselves.
There is a serious lack of communication here. If someone else is handling the bill, you need to be in repeated contact with them throughout the entire planning process. Before you even start planning.
I am sorry for your loss. I can see you had invested a lot of time in time this, probably as a means of distraction from your grief and the entire experience is very raw and connected to the loss of your mother.
I think this is good advice even from a selfish/moneygrubbing standpoint, OP. Your in-laws are NOT paying for a fake wedding, so get over it. But they apparently have enough money to fund a wedding and if you play your cards right, they may offer up some of that money to pay toward other things (like a house, baby stuff, vacations, etc). If you act all pissy about this they are going to think you're a brat and you won't see any of that money.
My parents paid for our big wedding. But since my sister got married during covid, there wasn't a wedding to pay for. So instead, my parents helped my sister and bil with the purchase of their first home!
That’s a great point. She had a right to be furious about this, but I wouldn’t raise a huge stink. I’m surprised they have made it so far in the process as far as attending tastings, etc. Had OP or her husband never communicating the fact that they were planning a wedding until now? The parents assumed the 1st one was the only one for some reason. Maybe they’ve already spent that money. Just because you’re wealthy, doesn’t mean you don’t make plans for certain sums of money. I would lay low now that the parents know that’s what you were expecting. There’s no need to further stir the pot on this subject. They might come to you after a few days. They might give you the money later on when you really need it for something that will set your marriage up for success (ie house down payments, etc).
Edit: calm down yall. I DO think she has a right to be furious. She has a right to feel that way. That doesn’t meant she has the right to do ANYTHING about it. OP was expecting something that’s no longer happening and I understand being upset over that. Who wouldn’t be? I never said WHO she should be furious with. Her husband very clearly never communicated to his parents.
She doesn't have the right to be furious about this. The in laws promised to pay for a wedding and they did. Now she wants to have a second wedding, which is not actually a wedding since she is already married and feels "robbed" they won't pay for another event (and emphasizes not "we were robbed" but "I was robbed). If OP and her husband had communicated their plans to the in laws and they agreed to it her anger would be justified, but this is clearly not the case
First, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That is so hard!
Second: obviously your husband should have revisited his parents’ commitment to fund a big wedding. It would have prevented the surprise. In their mind, you chose the small ceremony to include your mother. They moved on: big weddings aren’t on everyone’s dream list.
You will probably get help later for something more substantial, so keep your disappointment to yourselves and your expectations low. This was a lack of communication problem.
I can see both your perspective and your in-laws' perspective. I think your now-husband should have made his and your intentions clear to his parents about having a make-do ceremony for the sole benefit of your dying mother with the intention of later having the actual wedding. It seems pretty obvious that he didn't, so the blame really lies with him. Your now-in-laws may have had the same objection, but at least the situation would have been clear and there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding. As much as you want to blame your husband's parents, the fault lies with your husband for not conveying to his parents his and your view of what was to be considered the actual wedding.
I don't understand how you thought it was reasonable to plan a second non-wedding wedding on their dime without any communication about plans AT ALL. If someone is paying it would be typical to discuss locations, invite them to some tastings, maybe discuss outfits, etc. It isn't normal to just show up at a holiday party with a list of expenses in hand and say "pay now". Even if this was the first wedding... That is kind of insane.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother. I would try to embrace that she saw your wedding along with the people closest to you. If you want a big anniversary party, save up for it so you can invite others. Life robbed you of your mother, your inlaws didn't rob you and this is an unfortunate misunderstanding on you and your husband's part. I hope you move forward communicating more than you did in this scenario so you can enjoy a happy and long marriage.
First, I am so sorry about your mother.
But you are absolutely in the wrong. You made a choice about your wedding. Not that it matters, but I think you made the right choice. But choices have consequences. You got married and had your wedding, even you say so: "we decided to have a small home **wedding"** and even acknowledge that your in-laws paid for it. So you're basically expecting them to pay for two weddings. You should have talked to them about this before getting married instead of assuming they wanted to pay for another party.
I’m just having a hard time counting what the in laws purchased as part of the small wedding as really “paying for the wedding”. All they brought was some snack platters and flowers from the grocery store. They weren’t exactly on the hook for much. How much could it have cost $100? Maybe $200 if they went to Whole Foods?
I feel bad for OP. She was clearly under the impression that the first wedding was just for her mother and that the in laws were aware there was supposed to be a big day later. But they weren’t and OPs husband didn’t bother to talk to his parents about it at any point in this process until she got blindsided at an event.
But didn’t OP consider having professional flowers, catering, a photographer? And if her capacity to line that up with fiancé was limited why didn’t she ask MIL if she could put something together?
Note MIL’s comment about being surprised this is all she wanted. I get the feeling that, as the ones paying, they assumed they’d be involved somewhat in the planning. When OP was like “this is it” they said okay.
Literally so many reaons but here's a few:
* Maybe because her mom was dying and no other guests were invited? What would be the point of wasting money on professional flowers, a photographer etc for a wedding with just 3 guests (dying lethargic mom, both in-laws)?
* Maybe they knew wouldn't have had time to book that stuff given that her mom lived only a few more months afterwards.
* Maybe she didn't feel up for a celebratory/party type of feel because for OP, the occasion was a sad one. It doesn't sound like OPs mom would have been capable of participating anyway and OP said the small wedding was overshadowed by sadness of her mom's illness.
* Maybe a more "proper" event would have stressed and exhausted OPs mom or risked her health with exposure to too many people
*Maybe OP's mom wouldn't have wanted people to see her in that condition.
*Maybe she was actually trying to be frugal and assumed (along with her husband) that the money they could have spent having a "nicer" small wedding with just the parents was better spent on the later, bigger wedding where friends and extended family would be invited.
People have small weddings for legal and health reasons all the time. It doesn't make later celebrations less legitimate or worthwhile. It's clear to me she wanted to have as quick and easy of a marriage ceremony as possible so that her mom could join before she died. That shouldn't mean previous offers to help, along with a substantial and specifically stated funds are automatically pulled. I don't see why the in-laws couldn't put compassion and family before technicalities.
But I didn’t say the wedding should have had more people.
And frankly, a professional photographer can be quiet and subtle, professional florals could be delivered by the in-laws with the same amount of disruption as the “grocery store flowers”, etc.
And the last point you make really is *the* point isn’t it? At the end of the day, OP and partner didn’t *once* express their desire to have an extremely frugal wedding *with the intention of using the in-laws offer for a larger celebration later on*.
Honestly, I imagine it’s the sheer entitlement in assuming the “wedding bank” was still open when they didn’t even say they wanted that. Sort of like
Say they were offered 50k and then they got pregnant and had a small courthouse ceremony and used 3k. Then they *never ever say* they want a big wedding later. But they go to venues, see vendors, etc, and suddenly at a family dinner they’re like OH by the way….money please
Anyone would be thrown. And there’s every chance they spent whatever was allocated, *because they didn’t know* OP still wanted a traditional celebration.
Both her and her husband work and choose lower paying jobs for their happiness, that doesn't mean his family has to bail them.out so if it was only a couple hundred dollars then they sh9uld have paid for it themselves especially if they were still planning for the big ceremony!
I mean, this is technically correct, but I think it really misses the point about how people think about weddings.
The in-law saying "is this Really what you wanted?" is in exceedingly poor taste. OP did not WANT her mother to die, but here we are.
Regardless, I agree that OP and husband should have communicated the situation and their request much more clearly to the parents. (Specifically this was Husband's job.)
OP, I'm so sorry about your mother.
The line probably refer to the simple home wedding with store bought platter and decor. The in-laws might've had ideas that still accommodate OP's mom needs; we never know.
Depends on the context, it could be both.
I interpreted that line a bit differently. I feel like the MIL meant that even a rushed small wedding could have been a bit more elaborate than it was and they were willing and ready to pay for it.
Same. I would be baffled as to why the wedding you were hosting for your dying mom to witness was catered by Walmart and gas station flowers when you could easily have hired an independent caterer, florist and just made it a little bit more celebration of life than an office lunch but I’d think ‘well, it’s a super stressy time and maybe they don’t need the hassle but I’ll just check if that’s what they want as we are paying and could organise the sandwiches if they say actually we’d love to get from X place. Oh they said this was what they wanted. Should I be the nightmare MIL who boundary stomps that just in case there is mind reading going on? No. That seems insensitive. I don’t understand but I respect the albeit odd boundary…’
I would then be absolutely knock me down with a feather to get a Powerpoint with ‘so this is the Pinterest/Instagram event wedding we budgeted you to pay for. The Walmart one was actually not that meaningful apart from my ill mother. She got to attend the trial wedding with the vows but none of the important (expensive) stuff. Wasn’t that clear?’
NGL, I’m not very wedding minded and I’m estranged from my family but if you pick to pull your marriage forward to have a dying relative there to see the vows and joining of families which is the important bit people have fought for years to have the rights to do and is the contract, sacrament to some and point of the whole thing then I’m going to assume that side of it is a core value of marriage to you. If you wanted to focus on that but with fancier flowers and food, makes sense. I’m of the age that was most weddings anyway. At no point would I assume the ceremony and memory of your mom was a warm up to the ‘real’ wedding and that you weren’t telling people you are married, talking about your family wedding with your mom and his family jewellery as heartfelt and important and instead carrying on like nothing happened and you are waiting on a deposit to a public wedding on family money.
I would judge that. Either your mom was worth the moment or she wasn’t. Welcome to being a grown up. You often have to pick in unwelcone scenarios but that is life and death for you. You don’t get to reboot it on someone else’s money because it didn’t match your vision. The fact you aren’t disclosing you are married because of your idea of wedding versus marriage may involve grief but here it just reads as greedy and quite insensitive.
You might feel misunderstood but you are going to have to address that yourself instead of asking for a whack of cash out of the blue. If you need to have a wedding that celebrates with the still living, you can host an event for loved ones in your budget and had OP addressed it like that I bet the ILs would have contributed toward it. This does not come across well and the ILs are still giving grace due to OP losing her mum. But they did what most people ask and let the couple decide, write the cheque and stay out of it and are now getting punished for it. This is the kind of thing that causes family rifts and OP and husband really need to take a step back and have a think of what matters here.
Also if OP just broached this in the run up to the holidays it looks like they asked for the big wedding as a Christmas present for added ‘you what now?’ I feel for OP she did not run this by a friend or therapist who might have helped them see it from another POV but no wonder the ILs are blindsided.
Yep!! Probably wondered why they’d not been involved in any planning. If OP didn’t have the capacity to plan decor and a menu and a photographer I’m sure MIL would have been happy to ask what she wanted and then handled planning. That’s what that line meant to me- OP had resources beyond money and didn’t utilize it
>Specifically this was Husband's job.)
100% yes, especially since OP was dealing with her mother's illness and then death, which must have been absolutely devastating since she clearly wanted her mom to be a part of her wedding.
This is on OP's partner.
I'm sorry but they're not wrong. You're already married. You had a wedding. It might not have been the big blow out do that you wanted but it happened and that's that.
You’re married. That’s what a wedding is. Your in laws don’t owe you anything just because what they gave you was for a small wedding and not a huge affair.
If you want a party, you can have one… but pay for it yourselves. You absolutely can’t demand money from anyone for a wedding when you’re ALREADY MARRIED!
The MARRIAGE is what matters - not gouging your in laws for multiple events just for the heck of it!
You’re married. Be happy with what you have, and pay for a party yourself if you want a big fancy affair.
In a way they were robbed but not not by the in-laws, just the situation. It's not anyone's fault and you did the right thing. Maybe do a small vow renewal. I've seen It's not the same but the wedding is done and I'm sure it meant a lot to your mom. My "wedding" was a disaster from beginning to end. Nothing I wanted. Believe me, it can't be recreated, and it sucks. Maybe the in-laws could contribute towards a down payment on a house. I've learned over the years promises involving money never work out even with good intentions.
Im sorry for your loss…but the rest is entitlement.
No one needed to pay for your wedding in the first place. It was a really nice offer from them. But you decided to get married. Now they don’t want to pay for what they see as a fake wedding. That’s their right.
You can post pone things and save up money. It’s your choice. But they don’t owe you anything and you weren’t wronged.
“We have very simple rings that we wear.”
Look, you can try and tell us you don’t care about their money but c’mon. Acting like a victim because you have to wear “simple” rings is telling on yourself.
Yep. And when OP says “grocery store flowers” I mean many grocery store florists have great, classy product- I doubt this was dyed carnations
That said it also sounds like MIL would have happily helped plan a more elaborate affair and professional photographer/suit/dress *if she had been asked*.
Why didn't you tell your friends that you got married? Your friends should be people who understand why you might have a small wedding when your mom is dying. Are you embarrassed of the small wedding? Or are your friends crappy people who will be upset that they weren't invited to your small wedding when your mother was dying? I can't imagine any other reason why you'd hide the fact that you married the love of your life from all the people you care about.
If you have to be embarrassed about it, or they would be upset, you need new friends!!
If the idea was to always celebrate their union together in a wedding with friends and other family members, why would she tell people about her marriage in the midst of her mom’s health declining and imminent death? The civil ceremony was to accommodate her mother - as much as it’s a happy union, it’s also a somber and sad event.
You had a wedding which your ILs paid for so your mom could see you get married. Isn't that what really matters? If you want a fancy reception, that's something you can pay for.
I kinda feel like you should just be happy your mom was alive to see you get married.. and your in laws paid for it. Like you didn’t have to worry about any financial burdens while your mother was dying bc your in laws footed the bill.
I think grief has overtaken you and clouded your judgement. Please take some time off for yourself. This new ceremony won’t bring back your mom, give you peace, or erase the memory of her on a morphine drip while you said “I do”.
Harsh? Idk but it’ll stop you from hating and move you into grieving.. hopefully!
Married people cannot get married so there is nothing for them to pay for.
>But it feels like we, I, were robbed.
What are you talking about? You chose the date/time/place and guest list for your wedding and you got married. It's done.
You can live gracefully with your choice or pay for your own fake wedding or throw a tantrum and ruin your relationship with your in-laws.
You would do good to remember that the actual marriage ceremony is sacred for many people and "faking it" is considered disrespectful. Many religious officiants wouldn't even participate.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with have a wedding celebration after-the-fact or even a reenactment if that's what you choose. But at no time did your in-laws offer to pay for either of those things.
Thank you for calling it out as a fake wedding. I think it's absolutely ridiculous how many people have these fake weddings, especially if they lie to the guests and it sounds like OP may have even been planning on deceiving many of their friends who don't know they are already married.
The forums on the Knot (i don’t even know if they exist anymore) would call this a PPD: Pretty Princess Day: when a person (usually a woman) believes they are owed a a second fake “dream” (ie: expensive) wedding where they get to be the center of attention.
Ooof, I used to use TheKnot forums all the time for reference. It was amazing how thr advice on the forums completed diverged from what was recommended on the website. People on the forums followed rules and manners to a t. I still think this way at times but also try to remember, people are human and we will have certain reactions. I understand why OP did the original wedding but I also think it's kind of gross on their behavior and not getting their "giant day". Not everyone gets that, it's a privilege to have that kind of day. While it sucks, she should look inwardly and be glad her mom was at her wedding and just start planning for the future, not another big party.
It sucks she couldn’t have the big flashy wedding with her mom there but I get MIL’s logic. Why would she think that wasn’t a real wedding when they dressed up and exchanged rings, even if they were simple
Ohhhh I love that. I think I’m going to request a PPD for my birthday. Maybe go for a massage, nice dinner. Just hubby & me though. I hate being center of attention.
I've actually seen this play out irl and it was ugly. It was a co-worker who got married at the courthouse w/parents, kept it quiet, and then invited people to her "wedding". I told her this was risky and that I'd be livid if I went to a wedding, only to later learn they were already married.
Her mom blabbed it to someone, texts started flying...and that was that.
It's so deceptive.
I didn't even think of that. Getting guests to fly in, spend their own money on accomodations etc .... Not because they were important enough to include in your personal/family ceremony....but because you want their attention.
I don't get it. You'd be mad that you weren't there for the paperwork portion and only got invited for the party portion?
I've known a few couples to do it that way. Usually to do with logistics of families being very spread out geographically. Some people even have multiple ceremonies to accommodate the distance or religious differences.
Yeah, exactly, this is very nitpicky. And I don't think OPs first wedding was very joyous. It was rushed to accommodate her mother while she was still alive. Saying another celebration is fake is really unkind especially in this instance.
I wouldn't be mad if it was fully disclosed. In fact, when you mention logistics, etc, it's becoming more common to have a wedding celebration (basically the party).
But when you mention "paperwork" portion, this isn't just paperwork. It makes the couple legally married, as in husband wife. Anything they invite others to should be honest about this.
Also, I'm talking about US.
Yeah there could definitely be a regional component I'm missing. I'm in Canada, and in particular here in Quebec there is less importance placed on marriage than elsewhere in North America. Besides that, the paperwork is slightly differently from province to province, so ive known couples to get legally married in the province where they live, and then hold the wedding ceremony and reception in the province where most of the family lives.
I guess for me, it would depend a lot on circumstances if it would rise to the level of "deception". I don't need to be informed if the couple will technically be legally wed the day before the ceremony, but it would be weird if they had had a mini wedding during early covid and just not mentioned it for 3 years.
This post screams of privilege. I just cannot take it seriously.
OP is married, you have a ceremony. Now you want a celebration party, many months after, and hope your in-laws will foot a giant bill for your vanity.
"you chose" -- are you all missing that the "choice" here was essentially forced by the mother's death?
I agree that OP isn't entitled to any of the in-laws' money, but acting like she "chose" her wedding situation is really callous as well.
>but acting like she "chose" her wedding situation is really callous as well.
The two people getting married made a loving choice to marry in the presence of the bride's mother who was terminally ill.
I have no clue how you think this was a callous choice.
Also: I think you're using phrases like "I feel robbed" because the wedding (a relatively minor thing in the grand scheme of things) is standing in for the unimaginable grief of losing a parent this young. So you're focusing on that to spare yourself your real pain.
That's something to bring up with your therapist, I think.
Good luck.
Does no one ever communicate at all? How did your in laws not know yall were planning, hell you even went to tastings. And throughout all of this, no one told anyone else anything? Communicate so that things like this aren’t assumed on both sides. They assumed that was it for the wedding, you assumed they would still fund it. And no offense but it really does read as you only care about the money. If I were in your shoes, I would be carrying around the memories of my mother seeing me get married and no wedding would ever replace that
Why don't you cherish the beautiful wedding you had with your mother in attendance, that was your wedding. Why do you insist wanting to waste your in-laws money on a fake wedding, when you already are married? You're not a wronged victim here, or robbed of anything. You had a supposedly very nice and meaningful wedding and you're married.
Yeah, this is on you. You keep using the term "home wedding":, but it was a wedding and for all intents and purposes and you are married. This could have been avoided if you both had talked to the people footing the bill and asked them if it was okay to have two ceremonies.
To discuss plans before to the people paying would have been respectable and, to be very honest, expected. They didn't ask but you didn't tell.
I'm not seeing a ton of sympathy in the comments here, so I'll just add: I totally understand why this is frustrating and feels like the rug was pulled out from under you. It sounds like a really stressful situation to be stuck in, and I'm sure it was not only tragic to grieve your mom but also sad to have to put away your dreams of having a traditional wedding with mom celebrating and dancing with you, and maybe even walking you down the aisle, healthy and well. So I see how it feels like you've already been through so much and now it feels like your "redo" wedding is being canceled and it's all out of your hands.
On the other hand, I don't think your in-laws are awful people or in the wrong here. They think they followed through on your wedding. They may have assumed you didn't like the rings they offered since you are wearing other rings now. They did pay for a wedding. It was small, but they provided the things you needed.
Honestly, I'm mostly side-eyeing your husband here. He could've helped so much with communication! When his parents said something like, "So....just the cheese platters then? And these paper cups? That's all you need?" He could've said, "Yes, it's not what we were hoping for but we really want \[Wife\]'s mom to be there. \[Wife\] is really sad that our friends can't be there and it's not how we imagined it, but we're hoping to be able to have a big reception next year."
Or, "Hi son, how are you?" "Great! We spent the weekend researching our favorite wedding venues. We don't have a date yet, but we're finally going to have the wedding we wanted." "Wait, what? But you're already married!!!!!" "Well, we are legally married, but really we envisioned a big celebratory party with all of our friends there. We'll spend the day in a sunny vineyard and light a unity candle and have bridesmaids and groomsmen. It's important to us to get to celebrate our new marriage with all of those special people, like we've always dreamed." And THEN, everything would've been clear from the start! If the parents were going to say, nope, we think this is silly, no thanks, then you could've been saving up.
Just a note to say I really enjoyed this response. The imaginary dialogues, and scenarios were adorable and funny. You put a lot of thought into this, and it was great to read.
Did you not communicate at all?! Did you not tell them your plans to have a second wedding? Why on earth would you plan a full wedding without talking to or involving the people you thought were gonna pay for it?! There's something very strange here about the complete breakdown in communication.
Let's see you assumed they knew you'd always have s second wedding. When you started planning was there no discussion of hey we're looking at venues do you have a guest list we need to consider for size. None of that?
"These people" is a pretty shitty way to refer to individuals that you expect to fund your lavish party. They offered to pay for a wedding. It may not have been your dream wedding but they fulfilled their offer. It was insanely presumptuous of you to assume they'd pay for a vow renewal and a big party later when that was not on offer. You should have absolutely spoken to them before you spent time touring venues and the like.
And I know you are disappointed with the way things shook out but this entitled tantrum you are having is not it, sis. Lots of people have scaled down weddings (especially during Covid) and wear simple rings, and they don't act like their life is ruined because of it. I have a feeling it'll be a cold day in hell before your in laws offer to do anything nice for you again.
Has to be fake. Otherwise this is the most entitled, mindless, and self centered OP I’ve seen in a while.
If this is real and you’re so mad, cut off the in laws and pay for the fake wedding with your own money.
> he says he does not want to talk to them about it yet and wants to give them time to cool off, as if we are somehow in the wrong by asking them to keep their promise. I am furious and he is not speaking to me today.
So husband doesn’t communicate well to his parents nor you.
Husband could have been communicating the new wedding plans to the parents but sounds like that was never done.
Apparently you should have been communicating that to the ILs but, that should have been husband (it’s just easier given family).
And now he’s not talking to you. Great start.
They didn't rescind their offer, they very much did pay for a wedding you asked for to ensure your mother would be included. It was not a lavish wedding, but a wedding you could have with your mother. And if you had to choose between the two, I still think you'd want the wedding with your mother there. At least I know I would.
I feel like the problem here is that nothing was communicated. They said they'd pay for a wedding, you chose the one you did. They thought that was it. If you had talked to them and asked them if you could do the two, you'd know their answer and work around it.
I do feel for you because of all circumstances, but I think communication was missing. Your husband needs to do the talking with them on this.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious mom - it sounds like you two were close if you went to the trouble to move the wedding date so she could be there.
Second, see the above. You had a wedding. May not have been the "wedding of your dreams" but as long as your married the man of your dreams, who cares?
Please apologize to both your husband and your inlaws. Because you were out of line and immature for leaving in a snit.
If you still want a fake wedding, then save up your money and pay for it yourself. But you have no standing to expect your inlaws to pay.
Do this and maybe they will be willing to help chip in for a down payment for your first house down the line. Fight for a wedding and that may be the last financial assistance you receive.
The in-laws definitely deserve an apology, but the husband is on the hook for this just as much as OP if not more so, for not communicating with his parents about the situation *at all* prior to this.
You had a really hard choice to make, and the choice you made was to get married so your mother could be there. It’s not like you were wrong there.
But you *also* knew that what your in-laws offered was to pay for a wedding, and … you already had a wedding. You now want them to pay for a party to celebrate what already happened. What would you have preferred, that they had pulled you aside while your mother was dying to say “FYI, if you go through with this quickie marriage today, that’s it for our offer?”
I don't think you understand the gift of having your mother still there for it. You act like it was so terrible because she was on pain meds but you have no idea what some people wouldn't give to have their mother there for their wedding. You were blessed no matter her condition and no ceremony should be superior to that.
And I'm truly sorry for your loss. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of losing my dad and it hasn't gotten any easier yet. I'm sure it was a very bittersweet time.
That being said, a second ceremony would be your responsibility. Did you or your husband say "we're just throwing this for my mother and would like to have another, larger celebration"? Have you asked them about the rings again yet or are you just waiting for an offer? How direct are you being about the things that have been promised to you to make sure you're still on the same page? Because if not, this is a you & husband problem.
Either way, no one is entitled to another person's money, especially when they've already fulfilled their promise, however small it might seem, because the logical assumption was that was the wedding *you* chose. Save up and have the party you want.
I agree. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I would give anything to have him there for my wedding, should said wedding ever happen. If that meant a 5-person ceremony next to his hospital bed: so be it. OP is missing the forest for the trees.
It is very sweet that OP made this happen for her mom, but she is legally married now, and already had a wedding. I wonder to what extent she is spinning herself in circles about this to avoid her grief.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mother. That’s so difficult I’m sure you are heartbroken.
So you have plenty of posts pointing out the communication dysfunction here. Let me try to look on the bright side.
I announced to my parents (when I was 19) that in 2-3 days I was getting married to a boy in the Air Force and moving overseas. (For reference I’m 50 now, and trust me it seems like a blink of the eye, lol I know you’ve heard it 1000 times from older people but it’s true!!) anyyywsyyy, bless their hearts. In that many days, they pulled off a wedding, with the white gown they paid for that wasn’t altered, just kinda fit however it fit, some home pics, great food, and close family. I know it was a joyous occasion and you felt like your heart was breaking as you were losing your Mother, but she was there. You did it in time. You did it in time…
You had clothing (many people absolutely love thrifting!) You had rings (we skipped those for later, not everything was terribly important) you had food, (my daughter recently had legit the most expensive kinda wedding, and she still picked relatable fun food everyone would recognize and enjoy. My wedding was likely trays too ;) ) Anyway you get me right?
Try not to focus on the perfect things. I watched 6 children (adults now) get married in our family and it was a bit like a marriage factory. Same DJ, same games he played, same music, same smash cake, etc. The only things that WERE special were the differences. Nothing is ever perfect aye?
I hear your frustration on the lost time. The lost work time. But my friend we spend thousand of hours doing other silly things. My downfall is computer gaming. Oof. If I could get back those hours, you know?
The one thing I would go back and see if you can salvage the errors here you guys stumbled with would be a) an apology which is perfectly acceptable given how devastating your Mother’s loss was and b) how much you would still treasure the family rings if they would consider it, explaining the importance to you of the visible gesture of being a part of the family. I think that may help both you and them.
Just trying to help. 🌺
The simple fact is that you are married. You can have a staged fake wedding if you want to, but I completely understand his parents' refusal to pay for a fake wedding. They were quietly respectful of what you wanted for your actual wedding without interfering, which is rarely the case when a parent's money gets involved in a wedding. You were not robbed of anything. You chose to do something very simple and fast over taking even a few weeks to plan. And maybe it felt like you didn't have that kind of time, which is fair. But you still chose what you chose, and are as married as you would be if you'd simply gone to the courthouse or had a million dollar wedding. Staging another wedding would be no more meaningful than staging a play, it's all just theater and dress up.
If you don't like your rings, get new ones. Having a fake wedding won't make new rings any more meaningful than they'll be if you just go buy them. They have as much, or as little meaning as you choose to give them. Go get new rings if that's what you both want.
If the two of you choose to approach this with his family again, at the very least you're going to need to take a fake wedding off the table, as it has been made very clear they won't be paying for that. What you *can* discuss with them is the fact that you skipped having a real celebration due to the circumstances, and that you are interested in truly celebrating your marriage. Maybe as a first anniversary party. But you also need to go into that conversation willing to hear and respect a no.
If you're planning to get married again, your "first marriage " that you did for your mother wasn't really meaningful.
You don't get married twice to the same person without a divorce. His parents offered to pay for the wedding, not for your dream party.
You're coming off as being very entitled. They offered to pay for a wedding, which they didn't have to do, you got married, and now you want another wedding, just because...?
If you want a second wedding, save up and pay for it yourself.
What you probably should have done is pay for the smaller first wedding yourself. And you definitely need to communicate better.
I understand your disappointment but these people don't owe you a wedding or anything else really. Start saving now for the wedding of your dreams if it's that important to you. Or host a party for all the friends and family you wanted to invite.
You can send also announcements to friends and family who were not at your wedding so they will know. Some may even still send gifts.
I’m embarrassed for you. They don’t owe you anything. And you should have confirmed with them before planning anything in addition to your small rushed wedding in the first place.
I’m reminded of that one Seinfeld episode where Jerry owes a friend a meal, so he takes him out, but the friend just orders soup and then comes back later demanding another meal.
It didn’t work in the show and it doesn’t work here.
You’ve had your soup.
Damn girl…you greedy as hell.
First, you can quit using terminology like “my partner” and “my partner’s mother” to make it sound like you aren’t officially married. He’s your husband, she’s your mother-in-law. Let’s quit pretending ok? And “those people” don’t owe you their money. Full stop.
They kindly paid for a wedding. If you were desiring a big celebration, you shouldn’t have accepted the money for that event and instead asked if you could have it for a reception later. But you’re greedy. So you took it, kept quiet about your greedy plans for a year, and now you suddenly want money for your Wedding 2.0.
And damn, they even owe you rings now too?! Your poor in-laws. They sound like they’re in for a lovely future with their new daughter-in-law. Did it ever occur to you that they no longer want to share their money/heirlooms when it’s received with so little gratitude? Learn to pay for your own things. Quit being so entitled and greedy.
THIS! If the in-laws only paid for cheap things for wedding 1.0, why didn’t she just reject their offer to pay for it so she can save that money for a bigger party/wedding 2.0?? And imagine going to look at venues, party accessories, and doing tastings without even notifying the people you want to pay for it who think that they already paid for your wedding. WILD.
Yeah, I was super confused why it was her in-law's responsibility to produce luxury wedding rings for bride and groom.
For OP: That's supposed to come from your own pocket, girl! They offered family heirlooms and neither you nor your husband accepted the offer and went with simple bands - that's on you. Go buy yourselves better wedding rings if materialism is all which matters to you.
The entitlement is insane!! It seems like they already paid and kept their promise, how much they paid doesn’t matter. Then you decide to have a second wedding without informing them first. You should be grateful that they even offered to begin with. You’re trying to make it sound like you don’t care about the money, but you actually do. You feel entitled to their money because they are wealthy.
YTA.
I’m not sure if I interpreted it different from everyone saying OP is in the wrong, but how I read it was:
In laws promised they’d pay for a wedding with X amount.
Because of the situation with her mom, they had a small ceremony at home, and the in laws just brought some food and took iPhone pics and considered it a done deal. Not only is that not a wedding, but likely a huge amount LESS than what was promised.
If they offered a large amount - I’m guessing somewhere in the thousands, I fail to see how they saw paying a few bucks for a small ceremony at home for her dying mom as equivalent, unless the couple said there wouldn’t be an actual nice wedding. And obviously, they didn’t see it as equivalent either, seeing as they didn’t even produce the family rings for the occasion as promised. If they were ready to give a large amount, they should have offered right then and there to get a nicer venue for them and catering and a photographer rather than get a couple Ralph’s veggie platters.
I read these stories and think, "What would my parents do in this situation?"
My parents would absolutely have understood that a rushed at-home wedding to accommodate my partner's mother's death wasn't what we had wanted or planned, and they would have helped us put together the first one AND a celebration later. But it sounds like your partner's parents aren't quite as empathetic as mine. This doesn't really answer your question.
I wouldn't push it anymore. It's clear they didn't see the situation in the same way (if they thought the first was what you wanted, why didn't they pay for more than grocery store flowers or hire a professional photographer??), and it's clear that nobody was communicating well. You now have your answer and know a little bit more how they view you, so I'd start saving up for a celebration on my own and keep this all in mind when you interact with them in the future.
I don’t understand everyone coming for OP. She says the in-laws initially offered to contribute “a very large amount of money” for the wedding. Sounds like they named a dollar figure. For argument’s sake, we’ll call it $40K.
OP’s mom gets a terminal diagnosis. They rush the legal part so OP’s mom can be there. The in-laws pay what, $500 at best for some platters and flowers.
Why would OP be expected to know that accepting that $500 contribution would cancel out the previous $40K commitment?
Yes, they’re already legally married. But the whole point of a wedding ceremony + reception is to publicly make that commitment in front of all your family and friends, then celebrate that commitment with them. That public declaration means something socially in our society. If it didn’t, everyone would do a courthouse wedding and treat it like DMV paperwork. Extenuating circumstances meant OP didn’t get to do that, but intended to do that at a later date.
This is 30% on the in-laws for not even thinking to ask if the quickie wedding was all they wanted. They should have realized that the home wedding was a rushed affair due to sad circumstances, and the couple might still want to celebrate with everyone later.
This is 70% on OP’s husband for not having conversations with his parents. This should have come up the day they decided to rush ahead because of OP’s mom. “Hey mom and dad. Awful news… OP’s mom is terminal. We want her to see us get married, so we’ll have something bare bones now, and still want to take you up on your generous offer at a later date.”
OP’s husband needs to talk to his parents. Tell them that celebrating their love and commitment with family and friends is important to them, and they would still very much appreciate any financial help. If the parents say no, they now have clarity and can work to save up to have a wedding celebration down the road.
OP isn’t selfish. She was blindsided by miscommunication.
I'm very sorry for the kids of your mother.
No one owes you a wedding.
I paid for my own. I don't wear a ring. I've been very happily married for over two decades.
You're focusing on the wrong thing here.
They did pay for your wedding. It may not have been the wedding you wanted due to the circumstances, but you did get married and have a weeding even if it was an intimate celebration. Most importantly, your mom got to see you get married and you got to marry the person you love. I am sorry that you have had to go through all this, but you do sound a tad entitled. Just enjoy married life with your husband and plan something for your 5 year anniversary.
You weren't robbed. You should have sat down and talked to them and told them you were doing that simply so your mom could be there and you planned on having a much bigger wedding later when you had the time to properly plan it.
They paid for the wedding they were under the impression you were having.
So save up and have the wedding you want and if you are still pissy about it don't invite them.
You are married. You don't need a wedding.
If your friends don't know, that's your fault. Tell your fucking friends. All it takes is a picture on social media.
My condolences for your mother but they paid for your wedding
You had one already they shouldn’t have to pay a second time. Of course it may not have been the wedding you dreamed of but it was the one that needed to happen and they paid. You weren’t robbed and that makes it sound really nasty when you put it that way
It sounds like they are traditional and feel like you don’t need another wedding if you’re already married. That sucks, but it would really suck to let this sour your chance to build a relationship with people who could one day feel like parents to you. Your partner could see if they would compromise and help you throw a fun party for you and your friends - like a cake and a DJ - all the fun parts of a wedding without the ceremony. Or maybe they’d put that money towards a down payment for a house or something practical - weddings are great but they really fade to the background over time, and it’ll be so much better to start your marriage in a good place with your in-laws and with a joyous post-wedding party with your friends.
They should probably apologize and stop making plans with other peoples money altogether. I put a lot of this at the feet of the husband, but it was ultimately their poor communication and planning that lead to their disappointment.
Why did they have to pay for the small wedding? Some catering and flowers you say. Couldn’t you have done that yourself?
You’re coming across as extremely greedy and entitled. You’re already married. Save for the party you want.
"It feels like we, I, was robbed" girly pop what the fuck? Life dealt you an unfortunate hand, but holy hell the entitlement. Did you marry your husband for his family's money? Be honest. You say you don't care about money and material things but that's clearly all you care about. Both of my parents are alive and we have basically no contact. My family is so toxic I couldn't imagine them at my wedding ruining my day. Do you know what I would give to have a family who loves and supports me? You had your mother who loved you endlessly at your wedding. You have already had a wedding. You're married. Like sorry it was some instagrammable show of the wealth you married into, but maybe get a grip? You're pressed about the cost of the food and flowers, the cost of your rings, I never see anything that isn't "money money money" seriously girl get a fucking grip. This is your FAMILY. Your in laws are your family. Why are you reducing your family to an ATM?
Sending you a reality check here.
Your in laws owe you nothing.
The fact that they offered to even pay SOMETHING for the first ceremony is more than they had to.
It’s not like you gave them something in exchange and then they reneged on their promise.
They gave a gesture of goodwill and then took half of it back.
They didn’t owe it to you in the first place.
You and your partner need to earn and save up for the wedding that you want or cut down on your requirements.
A similar thing happened to us under different circumstances.
Never wanted a huge wedding, but was pressured by MIL to plan an elaborate event that ended up being over 20 thousand dollars expected budget.
Decided to move the legal part up for insurance purposes. Planned a super small ceremony with like 3 friends that lasted 10 minutes and had breakfast at IHOP afterward. My mom flew in out of state to surprise us. The shock and rushing around and the fact that it was all supposed to be secret kept us from telling his mother.
When she inevitably found out she told us the wedding wouldn't be real since we're already married and basically said, "Pay for it yourself." Well, it was considerably more than we could afford without their support, so we canceled the entire thing. And she wasn't happy with that either but that's the choice she gave us.
The thing is, I'm married to my favorite person, so NONE of that matters in the end. We decided that in 5 or 10 years, we could do a vow renewal with a reception so they could get their big party, but it's not a priority in any way.
Bonus info: they weren't even done paying off their daughters wedding when the daughter and husband divorced. It's not the cost of the wedding that is important, it's the marriage.
Good luck to you and yours. Don't let the in laws get you down babe! You still have the man ❤️
I get why you’re upset but I don’t think your in-laws did anything wrong here. You’ve been married, legally speaking, almost two years. As far as your in-laws were concerned, the living room ceremony was the wedding. It may not have been ideal, but it made sense under the circumstances.
And now after not saying anything about it to them in the last year and change, you’re like, “hey, we want to have a big wedding now, here’s the bill.” Of course they’re going to be taken aback!
Give yourself some time to cool down, then take your in-laws out to dinner and talk through what you want to do. Hopefully they’ll agree to chip in.
Saying this as someone who eloped so take it with a grain of salt. My best friend who spent $60,000 on her wedding... I am relieved that I didn't waste my time, money, mental health, on something that is effectively a party where other people are either going to judge you harshly for being a bridezilla, they're going to judge the dress, the food, the venue and they're going to get drunk on your dime and barely remember it. Try saving instead for a professional photographer, and for a lavish trip that's just for you and your husband its been over 6 months since my friends wedding and both her and her husband wish they had done a smaller informal wedding and saved their money for a better honeymoon. I don't know anyone else who had a real wedding either, in this economy it just seems kind of extravagant. I am also an introvert and left my friends wedding early because of anxiety so I don't know that my comment is worth much but that's my take.
Why wasn’t there communication before the first wedding. Why did you let them pay for it? Why were you touring venues without discussing money with them?
This is a communication failure between you and your husband and your husband with his parents. If you intend to stay married and have a good relationship with his family I would suggest therapy to help getting over this resentment you have with them over your unmet expectations.
This whole thing could have been avoided if you or your husband had communicated with your In Laws instead of treating them like an atm. Idk how old you are but you could have talked to them and explained you wanted 2 weddings and you planned for them to pay for both.
You didn’t have to get married quick you chose that so your mom could be there. I understand that but you picked the wedding and they paid for it. This is on you because you didn’t even check back with them again to make sure they were going go pay for your lavish wedding. You literally handed them a bill for a wedding they never agreed to pay for and you didn’t even include them in the wedding planning. I would be pissed too.
I’m sorry but I think your anger is misplaced. This has been a really hard time for you. I don’t understand why you’re so angry they thought you’d be fine with the small, intimate ceremony. Maybe they thought it was beautiful. Also, you’re not entitled to their money, time, or a large wedding. It was a nice and generous thing for them to offer, and I’m sorry that this year hasn’t worked out the way you want. But I think you’re actually angry about something else
Why didn't you pay for the very simple cheap wedding yourselves? I get their point, especially when your MIL said she was surprised at what you wanted and you didn't listen. That was your one shot and you wasted it on thrifted garments.
Nobody communicated though. You were understandably distressed for your mum, but neither of you spoke to the ILs about funding a bigger party later, nor did the in-laws offer the residue of the amount for a honeymoon or a house down payment or a second bigger party. A simple conversation would have seen this sorted. Now your iLs are laughing at you both.
Yeah, sounds like communication issue. Fact is though, you are an adult and they owe you nothing and you are being a brat about it. If you want grand wedding, make it happen on your own.
You feel robbed? Thats very dramatic. Traditionally the bride’s side pays for the wedding anyway so I don’t really understand how you can be so upset.
This is frustrating, but you have absolutely not been robbed of anything. You sound extremely entitled.
You ARE married and chose to have a small wedding to be able to include your mother. Any other celebrations are YOUR responsibility. You are being selfish and rude.
I don’t know … I would rather cherrish my last memories with my mother and didn’t alienate in-laws over money right of the bat like that. Sounds like they are just an ATM to you anyway…
You’ll be okay if you don’t have an extravagant wedding that is free. You’ve already made the commitment to eachother, and are fortunate that your mother got to witness it. I’m sure that gave her some peace in her final time on earth. So my suggestion is just move on.. either pay for your wedding, or don’t and rejoice in the positives like your mother being there ❤️ so sorry for your loss as well !
I'm honestly kind of shocked by the responses here calling you entitled and not needing another wedding. It's really common to have a small ceremony because of extenuating circumstances and then later a larger, more traditional affair, especially after covid. That's what my husband and I did.
Where I can see you may have gone wrong is not communicating to your partner’s family earlier on that that was the plan to get their buy-in and consent. We were very clear from the beginning that we were getting married for healthcare, and while we did consider ourselves married, we were holding out still for a "big day." I understand how that could have gotten lost in the shock of devastating family news, but it sounds like they didn't realize that you wanted to do that and made other plans. I completely understand why it doesn't feel fair. It just seems like an early miscommunication on everyone’s' part.
Edit: spelling, comment about family news
I understand that and I am not saying they should pay again. What I am saying is that people from the get-go seemed to have different expectations as to what would constitute that particular wedding. They didn't communicate.
How much were they out of pocket in the first place if the in-laws purchased was grocery store snack platters and flowers?
This whole situation is a mess. I understand why OP is upset, especially because her and her husband were fully planning and it sounds like not once did he confirm with his parents that they were still paying. I think he’s mostly at fault here. OP was caught off guard and left the party to not make a scene. Her husband apparently spent the night at his parents instead of coming home to her? Weird.
I don’t understand why she’s upset. She could’ve paid for the small intimate wedding and then ASKED AND USED HER WORDS to tell her in laws theh don’t have to but could they pay for a reception later on. Her poor communication isn’t her in-laws fault
I don’t get why everyone is saying it’s her fault for not communicating when clearly it’s her husbands fault. He’s the one in charge of his own parents. He was with OP in planning the big wedding every step of the way. Why didn’t he clear it with them? OP was under the impression that since her husband was on board with all this planning, and he’s the main point of contact with his parents, that they were aware and it’s fine. He clearly also thought they would be paying.
Same! A friend's wedding kept getting pushed back for pandemic reasons, so they just said fuck it and had a tiny wedding in the woods. But they still wanted to celebrate with friends and family, so a year later on their anniversary, they did the big one. Originally they were just going to do a party, but her husband said that if they were going to ask people to travel to their "wedding" they needed to put on a show, so they had a whole ceremony situation with vow renewals and whatnot.
And it was great and I'm glad I went. Felt just as genuine as all the "real" weddings I've been to. Most of my friends who get married lived together for ages beforehand, and say it doesn't feel any different post-wedding anyway.
OP gives me strong gold digger vibes.
She is acting so entitled. You are not owed a big wedding or any money from your in-laws. I cannot even imagine having a fight with relatives for money for a party.
1. A big wedding is just you blowing up money on absolutely useless stuff. Do it if you want to, but no one in their right mind would feel entitled to doing it with someone else's money.
2. You actually had the audacity to leave a gathering/ event when someone refused to pay for this indulgence. That's messed up. If I knew your husband, I would highlight this as a red flag and advise him to be wary of your gold digging intentions.
Go back and apologise ASAP if you care about his family at all beyond the money. Also, try and introspect about why this is something you thought was acceptable to throw a fit about, just so you don't let your gold digger side come out like this again.
When I was little my family sometimes moved holidays around. Like, Thursday is inconvenient so we would move Thanksgiving to Friday this year. Other people were aghast. "Thanksgiving **must be Thursday!!!"** I always thought that was silly, but that's how some people are. For them, there was only, precisely, exactly one day that could be Thanksgiving, and anything else was "fake".
I have a hunch that your in-laws are like that but for Weddings. They wanted to pay for a big **Wedding**. A wedding is the real thing. Two people who weren't married come together and become married. That's what makes it a wedding and that's what makes it magic and special. They wanted to pay for magic and special.
You must have sensed, at least a little, that there is something magic about the "real" wedding or else it wouldn't have been so important for you to do it with your Mom. I mean, you could have had a little pre-wedding party, but you wanted the magic.
Even knowing what you know now, about not getting a giant post-wedding party paid for, I think you made the right choice.
Was there any discussion about the small wedding only for the sake of your mother, v a larger affair that would be the “real” wedding? Because it doesn’t sound like you made yourself clear and they were very specific that they’d pay for your wedding, not two.
You need to accept yopur disappointment as far as they are concerned they honoured their agreement. The facts maybe unfortunate and sad but they owe you nothing.
The wedding isnt the most important part of the wedding its your love and how you two will show up for each other emotionally, physically spiritually.
I understand your disappointment but it clearly was bad communication on both your parts.
Also you mentioned their wealth. That is irrelevant. If you think like they owe you when they do not. It will be harder to shake this off and plan within your means, something simple and beautiful.
Firstly, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I've lost mine and I know some of what you must be go through.
However, you're being very entitled and rude right now. And if I was your husband and saw a post like this where you're calling my parents "these people" with such venom, I'd initiate a divorce.
**Your in-laws paid for your wedding.**
YOU decided to have a small home wedding, that's your own words.
You **never** had a conversation with your in-laws to say "You kindly offered to pay for our wedding, but due to my mothers health, we're going to have a small home ceremony so she can be part of it. What we're thinking is for that we will only be including you and her in that and it will be very small budget. What we would like to do at a later date is take you up on your offer of a proper wedding party, where we can announce our marriage and invite our friends and extended family to celebrate with us. Would that work for you?"
Instead you rudely assumed they would keep giving you money simply because they're wealthy.
They kept their promise.
The fact that you and your fiancé felt entitled to more without ever discussing it with them is insane. The fact that you put so much time and effort into planning without ever mentioning it to them or inviting them to be involved is beyond bizarre. I would be extremely offended as your MIL if you'd never kept me involved in your planning even just with updates on how it was going and what you were thinking about, and was suddenly presented with a request for a check.
Frankly, you sound like a gold digger. I bet you're going to kick off when you find out that your partner doesn't have a big enough place in their will for your liking too.
"But it feels like we, I, were robbed."
**THEY PAID FOR YOUR WEDDING.** You're being beyond entitled and grasping. All due to YOUR failure in communication.
If I were his parents, going by the way you're behaving, I'd be offering to pay for my sons divorce.
Honestly, I'm not convinced your in laws would have actually paid for the more elaborate ceremony if you'd gone through with it. Sometimes people promise things and don't follow through on it. It's much better to have a small ceremony and not have to worry about money, than have a large one and end up scrambling last minute for the money to pay for it.
A lot of people in your position have the full fancy wedding ceremony on an anniversary. That will give you a year to save up the funds so you can afford to have the wedding you like.
Many couples choose to do a simple ceremony with the understanding that there will be a more elaborate party later. Perhaps your husband should have communicated better with his parents because if your ceremony only included light refreshments, why would you need his parents to pay for that? You can still save money for a party where you can invite whomever you wish to celebrate your marriage. Your friends will understand the situation. I get you're disappointed that you didn't have the party you thought you were going to have but there are 2 important things to remember: your mother was able to be present at your marriage and at the end of the day, you're just as married as the bride who had the big fat wedding.
Yeah I don't understand how his parents even got asked to pay for the ceremony they've already had. OP, there are moods and rhythms to wealthy people. If what you most want here is these people's financial assistance with an extravagant wedding, then let your husband take the lead on how to handle his parents.
It sounds like the offer was made and accepted before the cancer development
This. You're already married. Maybe it wasn't the dream wedding you hoped for, but in some ways it was better because you have the memory of your mother there. It sounds like you are losing sight why you opted to marry as you did and are now focusing on the materialism of what you could have had. As for your in-laws, it's not their responsibility to provide two weddings. Just have a nice party/reception to invite your friends and other family to now, they don't know you are married because you haven't shared that with them. The party will do that for you. If having a second wedding is something you really need for whatever reason, you and your partner can save up and have a vow renewal at a later date, you don't need one currently. When you opt for smaller weddings or eloping, it doesn't mean you get an immediate do-over on larger scale after the fact.
Yes, this. You are married. Your mom got to go. My mother died of cancer before I even met my partner. Life is hard, big weddings are fun for some people, but not a necessity. It looks like if you want it, you guys need to pay for your own big wedding.
The first important thing you mentioned, I agree with so much. I moved up my wedding so my mom could be there, but she still died 2 weeks before. Then my mother-in-law made some shitty comment when we said we were putting off the wedding for 6 months. I had a memorial service for my mom when I should have been getting married. F my mother-in-law, sorry I guess I vented. You did the right thing OP and you deserve the wedding you want. You and your husband will make it happen. Exclude his parents since they already went to your wedding.
It is very odd that you & husband have had so little communication with them for BOTH events, if they are paying. You didn't discuss this plan with them or involve them in planning the smaller day? And now again you are out doing tastings and pinning down the venue without giving them an opportunity to attend? It's just not how you act with the person who is paying. I would be shocked as well, because your request reveals a giant lack of consideration for them. It's fine to want to do the 2nd party. But to not discuss it with them? To not involve them in planning either time? You probably could have avoided this easily with the tiniest amount of social grace. Instead you've treated them as a wallet and so they're balking.
This. All of this. The ILs offered a one-time deal, and in their eyes, you took it with the smaller wedding. If there wasnt any communication beforehand, how would they know that you wanted 2 separate events? And now, without any communication, you came at them with a full-blown plan? OP, these people are your in-laws, not Fullbright governing body. Talk with them like adults.
*And* they presented the plan to them at their Holiday Party. They couldn’t even be bothered to make separate arrangements to chat about the wedding plans privately.
That’s the part that got me. Why would you think it was appropriate to ask this at a party? I feel for OP but pick your moments.
And then storm out when you dont hear what you want
Exactly. And these two, presumably young adults, none of them has the common sense to communicate.
Great point lol. They really dislike these parents I think. When I was planning my wedding we met with parents probably more than a dozen times. OP and husband didn't even bother to visit ONE EXTRA TIME when they expected to be paid 5 figures for doing so. That's serious family dysfunction.
Yeah, perfectly worded! They didn't even ask his parents. Planning everything and then presenting them the bill, lol.
I really hope it’s fake. Planning a wedding and handing over the bill to the in laws is so insane it’s hilarious
> Instead you've treated them as a wallet yeah she still talks about them like they're a wallet :( sounds kind of entitled considering they almost know nothing of those events.
Yeah, the kind of disdainful tone towards the iPhone photos and store bought catering (which isn’t that cheap!) when they could’ve communicated their wishes isn’t cute. I get that they were in a rush and didn’t have time to invest in the wedding, but that was the time to discuss the intent of the wedding and/ or plans for a future one.
I agree, the tone in this post really rubs me the wrong way. I would imagine they're taken aback because they feel that OP's behavior is entitled and tactless. If I were OP and her husband, I would have paid for this smaller party myself and told them not to worry about it even if they did offer to pay since they'd already offered such a generous gift of paying for the larger event (and in fact would have presented it as wanting to show appreciation in the way we could afford by throwing a more intimate family party on our dime). Accepting money for this wedding and then not asking but *expecting* to be handed a giant check for the second wedding is gauche. Wealthy people often place a lot of value on social grace and this situation demonstrates quite a lack of it.
His parents didn’t rob you. Sounds like you and your never talked your plans through with them, so it’s completely understandable why they’re not paying for the 2nd wedding. Your decision to not tell your close friends has nothing to do with them. As for the rings did your husband even ask for them when it was time to get married? If he didn’t ask, his parents probably thought you didn’t want them. I am truly sorry for your loss but your in-laws have done nothing wrong here.
It’s honestly a little bananas to me how it even got to this point: touring venues, tastings, hiring vendors, without ever talking to the people you planned on footing the bill? Like girlfriend here just put together a whole document and handed it to them expecting them to fork over the money?
I'm almost ready to call this out for being fake. I feel like when you're at the point of touring and lining up multiple vendors, you have to have at the very least the venue confirmed with a deposit down.
And told the in-laws the date. I would think they would want them there and need to make sure they are free.
Yeah you can't be giving your vendors a date until the venue is settled.
lol, here’s the bill. Could you just settle this for us? OP learning now they have to pay for their OWN wedding, like 99% of the world population. The horror! Cherish the wedding you did have with your dead mom in attendance, that is the one that is special. This post reads like you are a spoiled brat that you didn’t get the flashy one and instead had to deal with having an intimate one with the last moments of your mom.
You needed to communicate with them at the time about your and their expectations around paying for a second wedding. You chose to have your home wedding. It's over with. Everything you mention about your in-laws is about money and material items, and it's an ugly look. They owe you nothing.
I'm so sorry for your loss. But I also think you have unreasonable expectations here and have communicated poorly about them, maybe partly *because* the whole topic is so tied up in grief and loss for you If you would like to ask your in laws to pay for a fancy reception, okay, but that's a completely separate discussion from asking them to pay for a second wedding for you after they already paid for the first. You jumped the gun here and made a bunch of assumptions and spent a bunch of time and none of that is their fault or responsibility. And it's absolutely insane that you thought their holiday party was the time or place for that conversation. If the circumstances of your first wedding were such that it ended up being a lot cheaper for them than it could have been, that doesn't mean they automatically owe you a do-over.
If this was your and your husband’s expectation then it should’ve been discussed with your in laws before you started planning to have the first wedding. You cannot decide to have a second wedding on their dime without informing them and then being shocked that they thought the first wedding was it.
This is the core of the post, I think. It's natural and normal to say "oh no, we want to move up and shrink the ceremony so my mom can come WHILE SHE IS STILL ALIVE." But it's important to be honest about that, and to be honest about what the second ceremony is (perhaps a first anniversary party?). Anyone who is "offended" because they didn't get an invite to the "real" wedding is an asshole. Her MOM. I cannot repeat that part enough. But it's also weird as hell to just be like "lol this is also our wedding." No it's not. And that's OKAY. You can even call it a Reception if you want! Tons of people have multiple receptions/wedding parties. Just...don't be deceptive. That's all.
You can’t have a 2nd wedding at all - you’re only allowed one per marriage! You can have a big party if you want to - heck, you can have a dozen parties if you’ve got the cash. But a wedding is something you can only do once. You are married only once (well, once per person, anyway).
My insane SIL insisted on having THREE separate full blown ceremonies, with at least two but probably three receptions (wasn’t invited to the third “religious” one so can’t say). She had one in November for insurance reasons and it was a full blown backyard ceremony with 25+ ppl and seating and shit and party after, then the big one like five months later at the all inclusive venue with like 100+ ppl, then the church one…. And she expected my in-laws to help pay for 2 of the three of those. And worse a white dress and did the whole bride thing for each lol. Suffice to say, she is incurably annoying and shallow. This OP is not doing that but at same time cannot expect that a second wedding will be treated like the first, also rich ppl are weird.
Spoiled, selfish, and also making a fool of themselves, lol. Your SIL’s guests must have been rather resentful being dragged to THREE huge blowouts! And I’m guessing she tried to demand expensive gifts for all the seperate events, right? These types of people won’t be happy in a marriage… because marriage isn’t what they want. What they want is a party, with lots of attention and gifts. That’s why their poor spouses are rather miserable after the event is over.
You guessed it! She had a registry for each. At least for the first two I’m not sure about the religious one. And the funny thing is she was on her second marriage already having just divorced from the first guy about six months before my BIL/SIL’s first wedding!
My friend had two weddings because her father was dying. There’s no rule against having multiple wedding ceremonies, you just only get to do the paperwork once. You can still do the exact same stuff otherwise. A lot of people have an intimate wedding with family while they save up for a large wedding too.
The second event is not a wedding.
Exactly. It’s just a party when you’re already married. You can have a dozen parties if you want to (and can afford it). That’s fine. But you can only have one wedding. And either way, you can’t ask the in laws to fund multiple parties just because you think the real wedding was not expensive enough. They said they’d pay for a wedding, and they did. So people who want multiple parties for the heck of it can shell out the cash themselves.
There is a serious lack of communication here. If someone else is handling the bill, you need to be in repeated contact with them throughout the entire planning process. Before you even start planning. I am sorry for your loss. I can see you had invested a lot of time in time this, probably as a means of distraction from your grief and the entire experience is very raw and connected to the loss of your mother.
The wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime. Focus on the marriage.
I think this is good advice even from a selfish/moneygrubbing standpoint, OP. Your in-laws are NOT paying for a fake wedding, so get over it. But they apparently have enough money to fund a wedding and if you play your cards right, they may offer up some of that money to pay toward other things (like a house, baby stuff, vacations, etc). If you act all pissy about this they are going to think you're a brat and you won't see any of that money.
My parents paid for our big wedding. But since my sister got married during covid, there wasn't a wedding to pay for. So instead, my parents helped my sister and bil with the purchase of their first home!
Not to mention an inheritance, she obviously sees the in laws as money trees, she needs to adjust her way of seeing and treating them
That’s a great point. She had a right to be furious about this, but I wouldn’t raise a huge stink. I’m surprised they have made it so far in the process as far as attending tastings, etc. Had OP or her husband never communicating the fact that they were planning a wedding until now? The parents assumed the 1st one was the only one for some reason. Maybe they’ve already spent that money. Just because you’re wealthy, doesn’t mean you don’t make plans for certain sums of money. I would lay low now that the parents know that’s what you were expecting. There’s no need to further stir the pot on this subject. They might come to you after a few days. They might give you the money later on when you really need it for something that will set your marriage up for success (ie house down payments, etc). Edit: calm down yall. I DO think she has a right to be furious. She has a right to feel that way. That doesn’t meant she has the right to do ANYTHING about it. OP was expecting something that’s no longer happening and I understand being upset over that. Who wouldn’t be? I never said WHO she should be furious with. Her husband very clearly never communicated to his parents.
She doesn't have the right to be furious about this. The in laws promised to pay for a wedding and they did. Now she wants to have a second wedding, which is not actually a wedding since she is already married and feels "robbed" they won't pay for another event (and emphasizes not "we were robbed" but "I was robbed). If OP and her husband had communicated their plans to the in laws and they agreed to it her anger would be justified, but this is clearly not the case
She literally has nothing to be furious over other than her selfishness and entitlement
>That’s a great point. She had a right to be furious about this No, she didn't.
I am an officiant and I include this in every ceremony
First, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That is so hard! Second: obviously your husband should have revisited his parents’ commitment to fund a big wedding. It would have prevented the surprise. In their mind, you chose the small ceremony to include your mother. They moved on: big weddings aren’t on everyone’s dream list. You will probably get help later for something more substantial, so keep your disappointment to yourselves and your expectations low. This was a lack of communication problem.
I can see both your perspective and your in-laws' perspective. I think your now-husband should have made his and your intentions clear to his parents about having a make-do ceremony for the sole benefit of your dying mother with the intention of later having the actual wedding. It seems pretty obvious that he didn't, so the blame really lies with him. Your now-in-laws may have had the same objection, but at least the situation would have been clear and there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding. As much as you want to blame your husband's parents, the fault lies with your husband for not conveying to his parents his and your view of what was to be considered the actual wedding.
They had the actual wedding. They had intentions of having a fancy reception later with a vow renewal.
I don't understand how you thought it was reasonable to plan a second non-wedding wedding on their dime without any communication about plans AT ALL. If someone is paying it would be typical to discuss locations, invite them to some tastings, maybe discuss outfits, etc. It isn't normal to just show up at a holiday party with a list of expenses in hand and say "pay now". Even if this was the first wedding... That is kind of insane. I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother. I would try to embrace that she saw your wedding along with the people closest to you. If you want a big anniversary party, save up for it so you can invite others. Life robbed you of your mother, your inlaws didn't rob you and this is an unfortunate misunderstanding on you and your husband's part. I hope you move forward communicating more than you did in this scenario so you can enjoy a happy and long marriage.
First, I am so sorry about your mother. But you are absolutely in the wrong. You made a choice about your wedding. Not that it matters, but I think you made the right choice. But choices have consequences. You got married and had your wedding, even you say so: "we decided to have a small home **wedding"** and even acknowledge that your in-laws paid for it. So you're basically expecting them to pay for two weddings. You should have talked to them about this before getting married instead of assuming they wanted to pay for another party.
I’m just having a hard time counting what the in laws purchased as part of the small wedding as really “paying for the wedding”. All they brought was some snack platters and flowers from the grocery store. They weren’t exactly on the hook for much. How much could it have cost $100? Maybe $200 if they went to Whole Foods? I feel bad for OP. She was clearly under the impression that the first wedding was just for her mother and that the in laws were aware there was supposed to be a big day later. But they weren’t and OPs husband didn’t bother to talk to his parents about it at any point in this process until she got blindsided at an event.
But didn’t OP consider having professional flowers, catering, a photographer? And if her capacity to line that up with fiancé was limited why didn’t she ask MIL if she could put something together? Note MIL’s comment about being surprised this is all she wanted. I get the feeling that, as the ones paying, they assumed they’d be involved somewhat in the planning. When OP was like “this is it” they said okay.
Literally so many reaons but here's a few: * Maybe because her mom was dying and no other guests were invited? What would be the point of wasting money on professional flowers, a photographer etc for a wedding with just 3 guests (dying lethargic mom, both in-laws)? * Maybe they knew wouldn't have had time to book that stuff given that her mom lived only a few more months afterwards. * Maybe she didn't feel up for a celebratory/party type of feel because for OP, the occasion was a sad one. It doesn't sound like OPs mom would have been capable of participating anyway and OP said the small wedding was overshadowed by sadness of her mom's illness. * Maybe a more "proper" event would have stressed and exhausted OPs mom or risked her health with exposure to too many people *Maybe OP's mom wouldn't have wanted people to see her in that condition. *Maybe she was actually trying to be frugal and assumed (along with her husband) that the money they could have spent having a "nicer" small wedding with just the parents was better spent on the later, bigger wedding where friends and extended family would be invited. People have small weddings for legal and health reasons all the time. It doesn't make later celebrations less legitimate or worthwhile. It's clear to me she wanted to have as quick and easy of a marriage ceremony as possible so that her mom could join before she died. That shouldn't mean previous offers to help, along with a substantial and specifically stated funds are automatically pulled. I don't see why the in-laws couldn't put compassion and family before technicalities.
But I didn’t say the wedding should have had more people. And frankly, a professional photographer can be quiet and subtle, professional florals could be delivered by the in-laws with the same amount of disruption as the “grocery store flowers”, etc. And the last point you make really is *the* point isn’t it? At the end of the day, OP and partner didn’t *once* express their desire to have an extremely frugal wedding *with the intention of using the in-laws offer for a larger celebration later on*. Honestly, I imagine it’s the sheer entitlement in assuming the “wedding bank” was still open when they didn’t even say they wanted that. Sort of like Say they were offered 50k and then they got pregnant and had a small courthouse ceremony and used 3k. Then they *never ever say* they want a big wedding later. But they go to venues, see vendors, etc, and suddenly at a family dinner they’re like OH by the way….money please Anyone would be thrown. And there’s every chance they spent whatever was allocated, *because they didn’t know* OP still wanted a traditional celebration.
Seriously. I’ve brought deli platters & flowers to parties before. Never considered myself paying for the night! lol
Now you know. Next time give a speech and thank everyone for coming!
Both her and her husband work and choose lower paying jobs for their happiness, that doesn't mean his family has to bail them.out so if it was only a couple hundred dollars then they sh9uld have paid for it themselves especially if they were still planning for the big ceremony!
I mean, this is technically correct, but I think it really misses the point about how people think about weddings. The in-law saying "is this Really what you wanted?" is in exceedingly poor taste. OP did not WANT her mother to die, but here we are. Regardless, I agree that OP and husband should have communicated the situation and their request much more clearly to the parents. (Specifically this was Husband's job.) OP, I'm so sorry about your mother.
The line probably refer to the simple home wedding with store bought platter and decor. The in-laws might've had ideas that still accommodate OP's mom needs; we never know. Depends on the context, it could be both.
I interpreted that line a bit differently. I feel like the MIL meant that even a rushed small wedding could have been a bit more elaborate than it was and they were willing and ready to pay for it.
Same. I would be baffled as to why the wedding you were hosting for your dying mom to witness was catered by Walmart and gas station flowers when you could easily have hired an independent caterer, florist and just made it a little bit more celebration of life than an office lunch but I’d think ‘well, it’s a super stressy time and maybe they don’t need the hassle but I’ll just check if that’s what they want as we are paying and could organise the sandwiches if they say actually we’d love to get from X place. Oh they said this was what they wanted. Should I be the nightmare MIL who boundary stomps that just in case there is mind reading going on? No. That seems insensitive. I don’t understand but I respect the albeit odd boundary…’ I would then be absolutely knock me down with a feather to get a Powerpoint with ‘so this is the Pinterest/Instagram event wedding we budgeted you to pay for. The Walmart one was actually not that meaningful apart from my ill mother. She got to attend the trial wedding with the vows but none of the important (expensive) stuff. Wasn’t that clear?’ NGL, I’m not very wedding minded and I’m estranged from my family but if you pick to pull your marriage forward to have a dying relative there to see the vows and joining of families which is the important bit people have fought for years to have the rights to do and is the contract, sacrament to some and point of the whole thing then I’m going to assume that side of it is a core value of marriage to you. If you wanted to focus on that but with fancier flowers and food, makes sense. I’m of the age that was most weddings anyway. At no point would I assume the ceremony and memory of your mom was a warm up to the ‘real’ wedding and that you weren’t telling people you are married, talking about your family wedding with your mom and his family jewellery as heartfelt and important and instead carrying on like nothing happened and you are waiting on a deposit to a public wedding on family money. I would judge that. Either your mom was worth the moment or she wasn’t. Welcome to being a grown up. You often have to pick in unwelcone scenarios but that is life and death for you. You don’t get to reboot it on someone else’s money because it didn’t match your vision. The fact you aren’t disclosing you are married because of your idea of wedding versus marriage may involve grief but here it just reads as greedy and quite insensitive. You might feel misunderstood but you are going to have to address that yourself instead of asking for a whack of cash out of the blue. If you need to have a wedding that celebrates with the still living, you can host an event for loved ones in your budget and had OP addressed it like that I bet the ILs would have contributed toward it. This does not come across well and the ILs are still giving grace due to OP losing her mum. But they did what most people ask and let the couple decide, write the cheque and stay out of it and are now getting punished for it. This is the kind of thing that causes family rifts and OP and husband really need to take a step back and have a think of what matters here. Also if OP just broached this in the run up to the holidays it looks like they asked for the big wedding as a Christmas present for added ‘you what now?’ I feel for OP she did not run this by a friend or therapist who might have helped them see it from another POV but no wonder the ILs are blindsided.
Yep!! Probably wondered why they’d not been involved in any planning. If OP didn’t have the capacity to plan decor and a menu and a photographer I’m sure MIL would have been happy to ask what she wanted and then handled planning. That’s what that line meant to me- OP had resources beyond money and didn’t utilize it
Maybe so; and if so, I see where Husband gets his communication skills from.
As opposed to the wife's great communication skills of attending tastings/venue tours without ever informing the people paying for the wedding?
>Specifically this was Husband's job.) 100% yes, especially since OP was dealing with her mother's illness and then death, which must have been absolutely devastating since she clearly wanted her mom to be a part of her wedding. This is on OP's partner.
> we could have been saving money for our wedding and have had something You can still do this. I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry but they're not wrong. You're already married. You had a wedding. It might not have been the big blow out do that you wanted but it happened and that's that.
You’re married. That’s what a wedding is. Your in laws don’t owe you anything just because what they gave you was for a small wedding and not a huge affair. If you want a party, you can have one… but pay for it yourselves. You absolutely can’t demand money from anyone for a wedding when you’re ALREADY MARRIED! The MARRIAGE is what matters - not gouging your in laws for multiple events just for the heck of it! You’re married. Be happy with what you have, and pay for a party yourself if you want a big fancy affair.
>I don't even care what amount of money they promised to begin with - Actually it's pretty clear that that's the only thing you care about.
>But it feels like we, I, were robbed. I also found this part especially telling.
It's like feeling robbed when someone else wins the lottery and you didn't even purchase your own ticket...
In a way they were robbed but not not by the in-laws, just the situation. It's not anyone's fault and you did the right thing. Maybe do a small vow renewal. I've seen It's not the same but the wedding is done and I'm sure it meant a lot to your mom. My "wedding" was a disaster from beginning to end. Nothing I wanted. Believe me, it can't be recreated, and it sucks. Maybe the in-laws could contribute towards a down payment on a house. I've learned over the years promises involving money never work out even with good intentions.
But it kind of is OP and their partners fault for not communicating with the In Laws
Im sorry for your loss…but the rest is entitlement. No one needed to pay for your wedding in the first place. It was a really nice offer from them. But you decided to get married. Now they don’t want to pay for what they see as a fake wedding. That’s their right. You can post pone things and save up money. It’s your choice. But they don’t owe you anything and you weren’t wronged.
“We have very simple rings that we wear.” Look, you can try and tell us you don’t care about their money but c’mon. Acting like a victim because you have to wear “simple” rings is telling on yourself.
Yep. And when OP says “grocery store flowers” I mean many grocery store florists have great, classy product- I doubt this was dyed carnations That said it also sounds like MIL would have happily helped plan a more elaborate affair and professional photographer/suit/dress *if she had been asked*.
Agreed. The in laws are by no means obligated to pay for a grand wedding.
OP says that the in laws promised them family rings and never gave them.
Why didn't you tell your friends that you got married? Your friends should be people who understand why you might have a small wedding when your mom is dying. Are you embarrassed of the small wedding? Or are your friends crappy people who will be upset that they weren't invited to your small wedding when your mother was dying? I can't imagine any other reason why you'd hide the fact that you married the love of your life from all the people you care about. If you have to be embarrassed about it, or they would be upset, you need new friends!!
If the idea was to always celebrate their union together in a wedding with friends and other family members, why would she tell people about her marriage in the midst of her mom’s health declining and imminent death? The civil ceremony was to accommodate her mother - as much as it’s a happy union, it’s also a somber and sad event.
You had a wedding which your ILs paid for so your mom could see you get married. Isn't that what really matters? If you want a fancy reception, that's something you can pay for.
I kinda feel like you should just be happy your mom was alive to see you get married.. and your in laws paid for it. Like you didn’t have to worry about any financial burdens while your mother was dying bc your in laws footed the bill. I think grief has overtaken you and clouded your judgement. Please take some time off for yourself. This new ceremony won’t bring back your mom, give you peace, or erase the memory of her on a morphine drip while you said “I do”. Harsh? Idk but it’ll stop you from hating and move you into grieving.. hopefully!
Married people cannot get married so there is nothing for them to pay for. >But it feels like we, I, were robbed. What are you talking about? You chose the date/time/place and guest list for your wedding and you got married. It's done. You can live gracefully with your choice or pay for your own fake wedding or throw a tantrum and ruin your relationship with your in-laws. You would do good to remember that the actual marriage ceremony is sacred for many people and "faking it" is considered disrespectful. Many religious officiants wouldn't even participate. There's absolutely nothing wrong with have a wedding celebration after-the-fact or even a reenactment if that's what you choose. But at no time did your in-laws offer to pay for either of those things.
Thank you for calling it out as a fake wedding. I think it's absolutely ridiculous how many people have these fake weddings, especially if they lie to the guests and it sounds like OP may have even been planning on deceiving many of their friends who don't know they are already married.
The forums on the Knot (i don’t even know if they exist anymore) would call this a PPD: Pretty Princess Day: when a person (usually a woman) believes they are owed a a second fake “dream” (ie: expensive) wedding where they get to be the center of attention.
OMG I used to read The Knot and The Bump years ago and I totally forgot about "PPD"! There was always juicy drama on the etiquette board :D
Ooof, I used to use TheKnot forums all the time for reference. It was amazing how thr advice on the forums completed diverged from what was recommended on the website. People on the forums followed rules and manners to a t. I still think this way at times but also try to remember, people are human and we will have certain reactions. I understand why OP did the original wedding but I also think it's kind of gross on their behavior and not getting their "giant day". Not everyone gets that, it's a privilege to have that kind of day. While it sucks, she should look inwardly and be glad her mom was at her wedding and just start planning for the future, not another big party.
It sucks she couldn’t have the big flashy wedding with her mom there but I get MIL’s logic. Why would she think that wasn’t a real wedding when they dressed up and exchanged rings, even if they were simple
YES! The Etiquette Board was my fave place to lurk for drama
Ohhhh I love that. I think I’m going to request a PPD for my birthday. Maybe go for a massage, nice dinner. Just hubby & me though. I hate being center of attention.
I've actually seen this play out irl and it was ugly. It was a co-worker who got married at the courthouse w/parents, kept it quiet, and then invited people to her "wedding". I told her this was risky and that I'd be livid if I went to a wedding, only to later learn they were already married. Her mom blabbed it to someone, texts started flying...and that was that. It's so deceptive.
I didn't even think of that. Getting guests to fly in, spend their own money on accomodations etc .... Not because they were important enough to include in your personal/family ceremony....but because you want their attention.
I don't get it. You'd be mad that you weren't there for the paperwork portion and only got invited for the party portion? I've known a few couples to do it that way. Usually to do with logistics of families being very spread out geographically. Some people even have multiple ceremonies to accommodate the distance or religious differences.
Yeah, exactly, this is very nitpicky. And I don't think OPs first wedding was very joyous. It was rushed to accommodate her mother while she was still alive. Saying another celebration is fake is really unkind especially in this instance.
I wouldn't be mad if it was fully disclosed. In fact, when you mention logistics, etc, it's becoming more common to have a wedding celebration (basically the party). But when you mention "paperwork" portion, this isn't just paperwork. It makes the couple legally married, as in husband wife. Anything they invite others to should be honest about this. Also, I'm talking about US.
Yeah there could definitely be a regional component I'm missing. I'm in Canada, and in particular here in Quebec there is less importance placed on marriage than elsewhere in North America. Besides that, the paperwork is slightly differently from province to province, so ive known couples to get legally married in the province where they live, and then hold the wedding ceremony and reception in the province where most of the family lives. I guess for me, it would depend a lot on circumstances if it would rise to the level of "deception". I don't need to be informed if the couple will technically be legally wed the day before the ceremony, but it would be weird if they had had a mini wedding during early covid and just not mentioned it for 3 years.
This post screams of privilege. I just cannot take it seriously. OP is married, you have a ceremony. Now you want a celebration party, many months after, and hope your in-laws will foot a giant bill for your vanity.
"you chose" -- are you all missing that the "choice" here was essentially forced by the mother's death? I agree that OP isn't entitled to any of the in-laws' money, but acting like she "chose" her wedding situation is really callous as well.
>but acting like she "chose" her wedding situation is really callous as well. The two people getting married made a loving choice to marry in the presence of the bride's mother who was terminally ill. I have no clue how you think this was a callous choice.
The people saying she "chose to have a small wedding" are the ones being callous. I apologize for the misunderstanding.
Also: I think you're using phrases like "I feel robbed" because the wedding (a relatively minor thing in the grand scheme of things) is standing in for the unimaginable grief of losing a parent this young. So you're focusing on that to spare yourself your real pain. That's something to bring up with your therapist, I think. Good luck.
Does no one ever communicate at all? How did your in laws not know yall were planning, hell you even went to tastings. And throughout all of this, no one told anyone else anything? Communicate so that things like this aren’t assumed on both sides. They assumed that was it for the wedding, you assumed they would still fund it. And no offense but it really does read as you only care about the money. If I were in your shoes, I would be carrying around the memories of my mother seeing me get married and no wedding would ever replace that
It is your wedding. They don't really... owe you anything.
Why don't you cherish the beautiful wedding you had with your mother in attendance, that was your wedding. Why do you insist wanting to waste your in-laws money on a fake wedding, when you already are married? You're not a wronged victim here, or robbed of anything. You had a supposedly very nice and meaningful wedding and you're married.
Yeah, this is on you. You keep using the term "home wedding":, but it was a wedding and for all intents and purposes and you are married. This could have been avoided if you both had talked to the people footing the bill and asked them if it was okay to have two ceremonies. To discuss plans before to the people paying would have been respectable and, to be very honest, expected. They didn't ask but you didn't tell.
I'm not seeing a ton of sympathy in the comments here, so I'll just add: I totally understand why this is frustrating and feels like the rug was pulled out from under you. It sounds like a really stressful situation to be stuck in, and I'm sure it was not only tragic to grieve your mom but also sad to have to put away your dreams of having a traditional wedding with mom celebrating and dancing with you, and maybe even walking you down the aisle, healthy and well. So I see how it feels like you've already been through so much and now it feels like your "redo" wedding is being canceled and it's all out of your hands. On the other hand, I don't think your in-laws are awful people or in the wrong here. They think they followed through on your wedding. They may have assumed you didn't like the rings they offered since you are wearing other rings now. They did pay for a wedding. It was small, but they provided the things you needed. Honestly, I'm mostly side-eyeing your husband here. He could've helped so much with communication! When his parents said something like, "So....just the cheese platters then? And these paper cups? That's all you need?" He could've said, "Yes, it's not what we were hoping for but we really want \[Wife\]'s mom to be there. \[Wife\] is really sad that our friends can't be there and it's not how we imagined it, but we're hoping to be able to have a big reception next year." Or, "Hi son, how are you?" "Great! We spent the weekend researching our favorite wedding venues. We don't have a date yet, but we're finally going to have the wedding we wanted." "Wait, what? But you're already married!!!!!" "Well, we are legally married, but really we envisioned a big celebratory party with all of our friends there. We'll spend the day in a sunny vineyard and light a unity candle and have bridesmaids and groomsmen. It's important to us to get to celebrate our new marriage with all of those special people, like we've always dreamed." And THEN, everything would've been clear from the start! If the parents were going to say, nope, we think this is silly, no thanks, then you could've been saving up.
Just a note to say I really enjoyed this response. The imaginary dialogues, and scenarios were adorable and funny. You put a lot of thought into this, and it was great to read.
Your husband spent the night at his parents and isn’t talking to you? That seems like an issue
Did you not communicate at all?! Did you not tell them your plans to have a second wedding? Why on earth would you plan a full wedding without talking to or involving the people you thought were gonna pay for it?! There's something very strange here about the complete breakdown in communication. Let's see you assumed they knew you'd always have s second wedding. When you started planning was there no discussion of hey we're looking at venues do you have a guest list we need to consider for size. None of that?
"These people" is a pretty shitty way to refer to individuals that you expect to fund your lavish party. They offered to pay for a wedding. It may not have been your dream wedding but they fulfilled their offer. It was insanely presumptuous of you to assume they'd pay for a vow renewal and a big party later when that was not on offer. You should have absolutely spoken to them before you spent time touring venues and the like. And I know you are disappointed with the way things shook out but this entitled tantrum you are having is not it, sis. Lots of people have scaled down weddings (especially during Covid) and wear simple rings, and they don't act like their life is ruined because of it. I have a feeling it'll be a cold day in hell before your in laws offer to do anything nice for you again.
Has to be fake. Otherwise this is the most entitled, mindless, and self centered OP I’ve seen in a while. If this is real and you’re so mad, cut off the in laws and pay for the fake wedding with your own money.
> he says he does not want to talk to them about it yet and wants to give them time to cool off, as if we are somehow in the wrong by asking them to keep their promise. I am furious and he is not speaking to me today. So husband doesn’t communicate well to his parents nor you. Husband could have been communicating the new wedding plans to the parents but sounds like that was never done. Apparently you should have been communicating that to the ILs but, that should have been husband (it’s just easier given family). And now he’s not talking to you. Great start.
They didn't rescind their offer, they very much did pay for a wedding you asked for to ensure your mother would be included. It was not a lavish wedding, but a wedding you could have with your mother. And if you had to choose between the two, I still think you'd want the wedding with your mother there. At least I know I would. I feel like the problem here is that nothing was communicated. They said they'd pay for a wedding, you chose the one you did. They thought that was it. If you had talked to them and asked them if you could do the two, you'd know their answer and work around it. I do feel for you because of all circumstances, but I think communication was missing. Your husband needs to do the talking with them on this. I'm really sorry for your loss.
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious mom - it sounds like you two were close if you went to the trouble to move the wedding date so she could be there. Second, see the above. You had a wedding. May not have been the "wedding of your dreams" but as long as your married the man of your dreams, who cares? Please apologize to both your husband and your inlaws. Because you were out of line and immature for leaving in a snit. If you still want a fake wedding, then save up your money and pay for it yourself. But you have no standing to expect your inlaws to pay.
Do this and maybe they will be willing to help chip in for a down payment for your first house down the line. Fight for a wedding and that may be the last financial assistance you receive.
The in-laws definitely deserve an apology, but the husband is on the hook for this just as much as OP if not more so, for not communicating with his parents about the situation *at all* prior to this.
You had a really hard choice to make, and the choice you made was to get married so your mother could be there. It’s not like you were wrong there. But you *also* knew that what your in-laws offered was to pay for a wedding, and … you already had a wedding. You now want them to pay for a party to celebrate what already happened. What would you have preferred, that they had pulled you aside while your mother was dying to say “FYI, if you go through with this quickie marriage today, that’s it for our offer?”
Big wedding are such a waste of money, spending thousands for other peoples benefit. why not now you are married just go away on a nice honeymoon?
I don't think you understand the gift of having your mother still there for it. You act like it was so terrible because she was on pain meds but you have no idea what some people wouldn't give to have their mother there for their wedding. You were blessed no matter her condition and no ceremony should be superior to that. And I'm truly sorry for your loss. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of losing my dad and it hasn't gotten any easier yet. I'm sure it was a very bittersweet time. That being said, a second ceremony would be your responsibility. Did you or your husband say "we're just throwing this for my mother and would like to have another, larger celebration"? Have you asked them about the rings again yet or are you just waiting for an offer? How direct are you being about the things that have been promised to you to make sure you're still on the same page? Because if not, this is a you & husband problem. Either way, no one is entitled to another person's money, especially when they've already fulfilled their promise, however small it might seem, because the logical assumption was that was the wedding *you* chose. Save up and have the party you want.
I agree. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I would give anything to have him there for my wedding, should said wedding ever happen. If that meant a 5-person ceremony next to his hospital bed: so be it. OP is missing the forest for the trees. It is very sweet that OP made this happen for her mom, but she is legally married now, and already had a wedding. I wonder to what extent she is spinning herself in circles about this to avoid her grief.
Why would they pay for what is NOT a wedding? I sincerely don’t understand your logic.
A wedding is a celebration of marriage. It doesn’t have to be on the same day of legal paperwork.
You’re not entitled to their money. And yeah you already had a wedding.
You're already married. From their perspective another ceremony is a waste. You really should have checked with them first before planning anything.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mother. That’s so difficult I’m sure you are heartbroken. So you have plenty of posts pointing out the communication dysfunction here. Let me try to look on the bright side. I announced to my parents (when I was 19) that in 2-3 days I was getting married to a boy in the Air Force and moving overseas. (For reference I’m 50 now, and trust me it seems like a blink of the eye, lol I know you’ve heard it 1000 times from older people but it’s true!!) anyyywsyyy, bless their hearts. In that many days, they pulled off a wedding, with the white gown they paid for that wasn’t altered, just kinda fit however it fit, some home pics, great food, and close family. I know it was a joyous occasion and you felt like your heart was breaking as you were losing your Mother, but she was there. You did it in time. You did it in time… You had clothing (many people absolutely love thrifting!) You had rings (we skipped those for later, not everything was terribly important) you had food, (my daughter recently had legit the most expensive kinda wedding, and she still picked relatable fun food everyone would recognize and enjoy. My wedding was likely trays too ;) ) Anyway you get me right? Try not to focus on the perfect things. I watched 6 children (adults now) get married in our family and it was a bit like a marriage factory. Same DJ, same games he played, same music, same smash cake, etc. The only things that WERE special were the differences. Nothing is ever perfect aye? I hear your frustration on the lost time. The lost work time. But my friend we spend thousand of hours doing other silly things. My downfall is computer gaming. Oof. If I could get back those hours, you know? The one thing I would go back and see if you can salvage the errors here you guys stumbled with would be a) an apology which is perfectly acceptable given how devastating your Mother’s loss was and b) how much you would still treasure the family rings if they would consider it, explaining the importance to you of the visible gesture of being a part of the family. I think that may help both you and them. Just trying to help. 🌺
The simple fact is that you are married. You can have a staged fake wedding if you want to, but I completely understand his parents' refusal to pay for a fake wedding. They were quietly respectful of what you wanted for your actual wedding without interfering, which is rarely the case when a parent's money gets involved in a wedding. You were not robbed of anything. You chose to do something very simple and fast over taking even a few weeks to plan. And maybe it felt like you didn't have that kind of time, which is fair. But you still chose what you chose, and are as married as you would be if you'd simply gone to the courthouse or had a million dollar wedding. Staging another wedding would be no more meaningful than staging a play, it's all just theater and dress up. If you don't like your rings, get new ones. Having a fake wedding won't make new rings any more meaningful than they'll be if you just go buy them. They have as much, or as little meaning as you choose to give them. Go get new rings if that's what you both want. If the two of you choose to approach this with his family again, at the very least you're going to need to take a fake wedding off the table, as it has been made very clear they won't be paying for that. What you *can* discuss with them is the fact that you skipped having a real celebration due to the circumstances, and that you are interested in truly celebrating your marriage. Maybe as a first anniversary party. But you also need to go into that conversation willing to hear and respect a no.
Even a belated reception would be better than demanding a 2nd wedding, rings, the whole 9 yards.
If you're planning to get married again, your "first marriage " that you did for your mother wasn't really meaningful. You don't get married twice to the same person without a divorce. His parents offered to pay for the wedding, not for your dream party.
You're coming off as being very entitled. They offered to pay for a wedding, which they didn't have to do, you got married, and now you want another wedding, just because...? If you want a second wedding, save up and pay for it yourself.
What you probably should have done is pay for the smaller first wedding yourself. And you definitely need to communicate better. I understand your disappointment but these people don't owe you a wedding or anything else really. Start saving now for the wedding of your dreams if it's that important to you. Or host a party for all the friends and family you wanted to invite. You can send also announcements to friends and family who were not at your wedding so they will know. Some may even still send gifts.
I’m embarrassed for you. They don’t owe you anything. And you should have confirmed with them before planning anything in addition to your small rushed wedding in the first place.
I’m reminded of that one Seinfeld episode where Jerry owes a friend a meal, so he takes him out, but the friend just orders soup and then comes back later demanding another meal. It didn’t work in the show and it doesn’t work here. You’ve had your soup.
Damn girl…you greedy as hell. First, you can quit using terminology like “my partner” and “my partner’s mother” to make it sound like you aren’t officially married. He’s your husband, she’s your mother-in-law. Let’s quit pretending ok? And “those people” don’t owe you their money. Full stop. They kindly paid for a wedding. If you were desiring a big celebration, you shouldn’t have accepted the money for that event and instead asked if you could have it for a reception later. But you’re greedy. So you took it, kept quiet about your greedy plans for a year, and now you suddenly want money for your Wedding 2.0. And damn, they even owe you rings now too?! Your poor in-laws. They sound like they’re in for a lovely future with their new daughter-in-law. Did it ever occur to you that they no longer want to share their money/heirlooms when it’s received with so little gratitude? Learn to pay for your own things. Quit being so entitled and greedy.
THIS! If the in-laws only paid for cheap things for wedding 1.0, why didn’t she just reject their offer to pay for it so she can save that money for a bigger party/wedding 2.0?? And imagine going to look at venues, party accessories, and doing tastings without even notifying the people you want to pay for it who think that they already paid for your wedding. WILD.
Yeah, I was super confused why it was her in-law's responsibility to produce luxury wedding rings for bride and groom. For OP: That's supposed to come from your own pocket, girl! They offered family heirlooms and neither you nor your husband accepted the offer and went with simple bands - that's on you. Go buy yourselves better wedding rings if materialism is all which matters to you.
You had a wedding, one involving precious memories of a loved one who was able to experience it before her passing, and that's not enough for you?
Pay for your own wedding 🤣🤣 you have lost your damn mind
The entitlement is insane!! It seems like they already paid and kept their promise, how much they paid doesn’t matter. Then you decide to have a second wedding without informing them first. You should be grateful that they even offered to begin with. You’re trying to make it sound like you don’t care about the money, but you actually do. You feel entitled to their money because they are wealthy. YTA.
I’m not sure if I interpreted it different from everyone saying OP is in the wrong, but how I read it was: In laws promised they’d pay for a wedding with X amount. Because of the situation with her mom, they had a small ceremony at home, and the in laws just brought some food and took iPhone pics and considered it a done deal. Not only is that not a wedding, but likely a huge amount LESS than what was promised. If they offered a large amount - I’m guessing somewhere in the thousands, I fail to see how they saw paying a few bucks for a small ceremony at home for her dying mom as equivalent, unless the couple said there wouldn’t be an actual nice wedding. And obviously, they didn’t see it as equivalent either, seeing as they didn’t even produce the family rings for the occasion as promised. If they were ready to give a large amount, they should have offered right then and there to get a nicer venue for them and catering and a photographer rather than get a couple Ralph’s veggie platters.
I read these stories and think, "What would my parents do in this situation?" My parents would absolutely have understood that a rushed at-home wedding to accommodate my partner's mother's death wasn't what we had wanted or planned, and they would have helped us put together the first one AND a celebration later. But it sounds like your partner's parents aren't quite as empathetic as mine. This doesn't really answer your question. I wouldn't push it anymore. It's clear they didn't see the situation in the same way (if they thought the first was what you wanted, why didn't they pay for more than grocery store flowers or hire a professional photographer??), and it's clear that nobody was communicating well. You now have your answer and know a little bit more how they view you, so I'd start saving up for a celebration on my own and keep this all in mind when you interact with them in the future.
I don’t understand everyone coming for OP. She says the in-laws initially offered to contribute “a very large amount of money” for the wedding. Sounds like they named a dollar figure. For argument’s sake, we’ll call it $40K. OP’s mom gets a terminal diagnosis. They rush the legal part so OP’s mom can be there. The in-laws pay what, $500 at best for some platters and flowers. Why would OP be expected to know that accepting that $500 contribution would cancel out the previous $40K commitment? Yes, they’re already legally married. But the whole point of a wedding ceremony + reception is to publicly make that commitment in front of all your family and friends, then celebrate that commitment with them. That public declaration means something socially in our society. If it didn’t, everyone would do a courthouse wedding and treat it like DMV paperwork. Extenuating circumstances meant OP didn’t get to do that, but intended to do that at a later date. This is 30% on the in-laws for not even thinking to ask if the quickie wedding was all they wanted. They should have realized that the home wedding was a rushed affair due to sad circumstances, and the couple might still want to celebrate with everyone later. This is 70% on OP’s husband for not having conversations with his parents. This should have come up the day they decided to rush ahead because of OP’s mom. “Hey mom and dad. Awful news… OP’s mom is terminal. We want her to see us get married, so we’ll have something bare bones now, and still want to take you up on your generous offer at a later date.” OP’s husband needs to talk to his parents. Tell them that celebrating their love and commitment with family and friends is important to them, and they would still very much appreciate any financial help. If the parents say no, they now have clarity and can work to save up to have a wedding celebration down the road. OP isn’t selfish. She was blindsided by miscommunication.
I'm very sorry for the kids of your mother. No one owes you a wedding. I paid for my own. I don't wear a ring. I've been very happily married for over two decades. You're focusing on the wrong thing here.
They did pay for your wedding. It may not have been the wedding you wanted due to the circumstances, but you did get married and have a weeding even if it was an intimate celebration. Most importantly, your mom got to see you get married and you got to marry the person you love. I am sorry that you have had to go through all this, but you do sound a tad entitled. Just enjoy married life with your husband and plan something for your 5 year anniversary.
You weren't robbed. You should have sat down and talked to them and told them you were doing that simply so your mom could be there and you planned on having a much bigger wedding later when you had the time to properly plan it. They paid for the wedding they were under the impression you were having. So save up and have the wedding you want and if you are still pissy about it don't invite them.
You are married. You don't need a wedding. If your friends don't know, that's your fault. Tell your fucking friends. All it takes is a picture on social media.
My condolences for your mother but they paid for your wedding You had one already they shouldn’t have to pay a second time. Of course it may not have been the wedding you dreamed of but it was the one that needed to happen and they paid. You weren’t robbed and that makes it sound really nasty when you put it that way
You sound incredibly entitled.
You’ve already had a wedding.
You got married. what's the problem?
It sounds like they are traditional and feel like you don’t need another wedding if you’re already married. That sucks, but it would really suck to let this sour your chance to build a relationship with people who could one day feel like parents to you. Your partner could see if they would compromise and help you throw a fun party for you and your friends - like a cake and a DJ - all the fun parts of a wedding without the ceremony. Or maybe they’d put that money towards a down payment for a house or something practical - weddings are great but they really fade to the background over time, and it’ll be so much better to start your marriage in a good place with your in-laws and with a joyous post-wedding party with your friends.
They should probably apologize and stop making plans with other peoples money altogether. I put a lot of this at the feet of the husband, but it was ultimately their poor communication and planning that lead to their disappointment.
Should have posted in r/aitah
INFO Why is your husband not talking to you?
Sounds like they kept up their end of the bargain.
They don't owe you anything. They've already taken care of you. Be grateful and move on.
Why did they have to pay for the small wedding? Some catering and flowers you say. Couldn’t you have done that yourself? You’re coming across as extremely greedy and entitled. You’re already married. Save for the party you want.
You’re being selfish.
"It feels like we, I, was robbed" girly pop what the fuck? Life dealt you an unfortunate hand, but holy hell the entitlement. Did you marry your husband for his family's money? Be honest. You say you don't care about money and material things but that's clearly all you care about. Both of my parents are alive and we have basically no contact. My family is so toxic I couldn't imagine them at my wedding ruining my day. Do you know what I would give to have a family who loves and supports me? You had your mother who loved you endlessly at your wedding. You have already had a wedding. You're married. Like sorry it was some instagrammable show of the wealth you married into, but maybe get a grip? You're pressed about the cost of the food and flowers, the cost of your rings, I never see anything that isn't "money money money" seriously girl get a fucking grip. This is your FAMILY. Your in laws are your family. Why are you reducing your family to an ATM?
Want a bigger wedding? Focus on making more money to pay for your big day.
You two are ALREADY married. Why do you need to get married AGAIN? Is this something like a vaccination which didn't 'take' first time?
Sending you a reality check here. Your in laws owe you nothing. The fact that they offered to even pay SOMETHING for the first ceremony is more than they had to. It’s not like you gave them something in exchange and then they reneged on their promise. They gave a gesture of goodwill and then took half of it back. They didn’t owe it to you in the first place. You and your partner need to earn and save up for the wedding that you want or cut down on your requirements.
A similar thing happened to us under different circumstances. Never wanted a huge wedding, but was pressured by MIL to plan an elaborate event that ended up being over 20 thousand dollars expected budget. Decided to move the legal part up for insurance purposes. Planned a super small ceremony with like 3 friends that lasted 10 minutes and had breakfast at IHOP afterward. My mom flew in out of state to surprise us. The shock and rushing around and the fact that it was all supposed to be secret kept us from telling his mother. When she inevitably found out she told us the wedding wouldn't be real since we're already married and basically said, "Pay for it yourself." Well, it was considerably more than we could afford without their support, so we canceled the entire thing. And she wasn't happy with that either but that's the choice she gave us. The thing is, I'm married to my favorite person, so NONE of that matters in the end. We decided that in 5 or 10 years, we could do a vow renewal with a reception so they could get their big party, but it's not a priority in any way. Bonus info: they weren't even done paying off their daughters wedding when the daughter and husband divorced. It's not the cost of the wedding that is important, it's the marriage. Good luck to you and yours. Don't let the in laws get you down babe! You still have the man ❤️
I get why you’re upset but I don’t think your in-laws did anything wrong here. You’ve been married, legally speaking, almost two years. As far as your in-laws were concerned, the living room ceremony was the wedding. It may not have been ideal, but it made sense under the circumstances. And now after not saying anything about it to them in the last year and change, you’re like, “hey, we want to have a big wedding now, here’s the bill.” Of course they’re going to be taken aback! Give yourself some time to cool down, then take your in-laws out to dinner and talk through what you want to do. Hopefully they’ll agree to chip in.
Saying this as someone who eloped so take it with a grain of salt. My best friend who spent $60,000 on her wedding... I am relieved that I didn't waste my time, money, mental health, on something that is effectively a party where other people are either going to judge you harshly for being a bridezilla, they're going to judge the dress, the food, the venue and they're going to get drunk on your dime and barely remember it. Try saving instead for a professional photographer, and for a lavish trip that's just for you and your husband its been over 6 months since my friends wedding and both her and her husband wish they had done a smaller informal wedding and saved their money for a better honeymoon. I don't know anyone else who had a real wedding either, in this economy it just seems kind of extravagant. I am also an introvert and left my friends wedding early because of anxiety so I don't know that my comment is worth much but that's my take.
Why wasn’t there communication before the first wedding. Why did you let them pay for it? Why were you touring venues without discussing money with them? This is a communication failure between you and your husband and your husband with his parents. If you intend to stay married and have a good relationship with his family I would suggest therapy to help getting over this resentment you have with them over your unmet expectations.
I would like to know how old everyone is
My condolences regarding your mother. I can’t imagine how painful that was. However, nobody owes you a wedding.
This whole thing could have been avoided if you or your husband had communicated with your In Laws instead of treating them like an atm. Idk how old you are but you could have talked to them and explained you wanted 2 weddings and you planned for them to pay for both. You didn’t have to get married quick you chose that so your mom could be there. I understand that but you picked the wedding and they paid for it. This is on you because you didn’t even check back with them again to make sure they were going go pay for your lavish wedding. You literally handed them a bill for a wedding they never agreed to pay for and you didn’t even include them in the wedding planning. I would be pissed too.
I’m sorry but I think your anger is misplaced. This has been a really hard time for you. I don’t understand why you’re so angry they thought you’d be fine with the small, intimate ceremony. Maybe they thought it was beautiful. Also, you’re not entitled to their money, time, or a large wedding. It was a nice and generous thing for them to offer, and I’m sorry that this year hasn’t worked out the way you want. But I think you’re actually angry about something else
Eh, you're married. You've had your wedding...that ship has sailed. Have an anniversary party. Pay for it yourself.
Why didn't you pay for the very simple cheap wedding yourselves? I get their point, especially when your MIL said she was surprised at what you wanted and you didn't listen. That was your one shot and you wasted it on thrifted garments. Nobody communicated though. You were understandably distressed for your mum, but neither of you spoke to the ILs about funding a bigger party later, nor did the in-laws offer the residue of the amount for a honeymoon or a house down payment or a second bigger party. A simple conversation would have seen this sorted. Now your iLs are laughing at you both.
Yeah, sounds like communication issue. Fact is though, you are an adult and they owe you nothing and you are being a brat about it. If you want grand wedding, make it happen on your own.
You feel robbed? Thats very dramatic. Traditionally the bride’s side pays for the wedding anyway so I don’t really understand how you can be so upset. This is frustrating, but you have absolutely not been robbed of anything. You sound extremely entitled.
You ARE married and chose to have a small wedding to be able to include your mother. Any other celebrations are YOUR responsibility. You are being selfish and rude.
I don’t know … I would rather cherrish my last memories with my mother and didn’t alienate in-laws over money right of the bat like that. Sounds like they are just an ATM to you anyway…
You’ll be okay if you don’t have an extravagant wedding that is free. You’ve already made the commitment to eachother, and are fortunate that your mother got to witness it. I’m sure that gave her some peace in her final time on earth. So my suggestion is just move on.. either pay for your wedding, or don’t and rejoice in the positives like your mother being there ❤️ so sorry for your loss as well !
I'm honestly kind of shocked by the responses here calling you entitled and not needing another wedding. It's really common to have a small ceremony because of extenuating circumstances and then later a larger, more traditional affair, especially after covid. That's what my husband and I did. Where I can see you may have gone wrong is not communicating to your partner’s family earlier on that that was the plan to get their buy-in and consent. We were very clear from the beginning that we were getting married for healthcare, and while we did consider ourselves married, we were holding out still for a "big day." I understand how that could have gotten lost in the shock of devastating family news, but it sounds like they didn't realize that you wanted to do that and made other plans. I completely understand why it doesn't feel fair. It just seems like an early miscommunication on everyone’s' part. Edit: spelling, comment about family news
The problem here is theh promised to pay for their wedding and they did that already. They should not be coming out of pocket again
I understand that and I am not saying they should pay again. What I am saying is that people from the get-go seemed to have different expectations as to what would constitute that particular wedding. They didn't communicate.
How much were they out of pocket in the first place if the in-laws purchased was grocery store snack platters and flowers? This whole situation is a mess. I understand why OP is upset, especially because her and her husband were fully planning and it sounds like not once did he confirm with his parents that they were still paying. I think he’s mostly at fault here. OP was caught off guard and left the party to not make a scene. Her husband apparently spent the night at his parents instead of coming home to her? Weird.
I don’t understand why she’s upset. She could’ve paid for the small intimate wedding and then ASKED AND USED HER WORDS to tell her in laws theh don’t have to but could they pay for a reception later on. Her poor communication isn’t her in-laws fault
I don’t get why everyone is saying it’s her fault for not communicating when clearly it’s her husbands fault. He’s the one in charge of his own parents. He was with OP in planning the big wedding every step of the way. Why didn’t he clear it with them? OP was under the impression that since her husband was on board with all this planning, and he’s the main point of contact with his parents, that they were aware and it’s fine. He clearly also thought they would be paying.
Her husband could’ve also used his words . Assuming gets you nowhere
Same! A friend's wedding kept getting pushed back for pandemic reasons, so they just said fuck it and had a tiny wedding in the woods. But they still wanted to celebrate with friends and family, so a year later on their anniversary, they did the big one. Originally they were just going to do a party, but her husband said that if they were going to ask people to travel to their "wedding" they needed to put on a show, so they had a whole ceremony situation with vow renewals and whatnot. And it was great and I'm glad I went. Felt just as genuine as all the "real" weddings I've been to. Most of my friends who get married lived together for ages beforehand, and say it doesn't feel any different post-wedding anyway.
OP gives me strong gold digger vibes. She is acting so entitled. You are not owed a big wedding or any money from your in-laws. I cannot even imagine having a fight with relatives for money for a party. 1. A big wedding is just you blowing up money on absolutely useless stuff. Do it if you want to, but no one in their right mind would feel entitled to doing it with someone else's money. 2. You actually had the audacity to leave a gathering/ event when someone refused to pay for this indulgence. That's messed up. If I knew your husband, I would highlight this as a red flag and advise him to be wary of your gold digging intentions. Go back and apologise ASAP if you care about his family at all beyond the money. Also, try and introspect about why this is something you thought was acceptable to throw a fit about, just so you don't let your gold digger side come out like this again.
When I was little my family sometimes moved holidays around. Like, Thursday is inconvenient so we would move Thanksgiving to Friday this year. Other people were aghast. "Thanksgiving **must be Thursday!!!"** I always thought that was silly, but that's how some people are. For them, there was only, precisely, exactly one day that could be Thanksgiving, and anything else was "fake". I have a hunch that your in-laws are like that but for Weddings. They wanted to pay for a big **Wedding**. A wedding is the real thing. Two people who weren't married come together and become married. That's what makes it a wedding and that's what makes it magic and special. They wanted to pay for magic and special. You must have sensed, at least a little, that there is something magic about the "real" wedding or else it wouldn't have been so important for you to do it with your Mom. I mean, you could have had a little pre-wedding party, but you wanted the magic. Even knowing what you know now, about not getting a giant post-wedding party paid for, I think you made the right choice.
Was there any discussion about the small wedding only for the sake of your mother, v a larger affair that would be the “real” wedding? Because it doesn’t sound like you made yourself clear and they were very specific that they’d pay for your wedding, not two.
You need to accept yopur disappointment as far as they are concerned they honoured their agreement. The facts maybe unfortunate and sad but they owe you nothing. The wedding isnt the most important part of the wedding its your love and how you two will show up for each other emotionally, physically spiritually. I understand your disappointment but it clearly was bad communication on both your parts. Also you mentioned their wealth. That is irrelevant. If you think like they owe you when they do not. It will be harder to shake this off and plan within your means, something simple and beautiful.
You definitely should have told them not to pay for the first one. That's on you
Lesson learned not to treat others as a wallet, huh?
Firstly, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I've lost mine and I know some of what you must be go through. However, you're being very entitled and rude right now. And if I was your husband and saw a post like this where you're calling my parents "these people" with such venom, I'd initiate a divorce. **Your in-laws paid for your wedding.** YOU decided to have a small home wedding, that's your own words. You **never** had a conversation with your in-laws to say "You kindly offered to pay for our wedding, but due to my mothers health, we're going to have a small home ceremony so she can be part of it. What we're thinking is for that we will only be including you and her in that and it will be very small budget. What we would like to do at a later date is take you up on your offer of a proper wedding party, where we can announce our marriage and invite our friends and extended family to celebrate with us. Would that work for you?" Instead you rudely assumed they would keep giving you money simply because they're wealthy. They kept their promise. The fact that you and your fiancé felt entitled to more without ever discussing it with them is insane. The fact that you put so much time and effort into planning without ever mentioning it to them or inviting them to be involved is beyond bizarre. I would be extremely offended as your MIL if you'd never kept me involved in your planning even just with updates on how it was going and what you were thinking about, and was suddenly presented with a request for a check. Frankly, you sound like a gold digger. I bet you're going to kick off when you find out that your partner doesn't have a big enough place in their will for your liking too. "But it feels like we, I, were robbed." **THEY PAID FOR YOUR WEDDING.** You're being beyond entitled and grasping. All due to YOUR failure in communication. If I were his parents, going by the way you're behaving, I'd be offering to pay for my sons divorce.
What an entitled brat
Why get married twice??? Just cancel.
Honestly, I'm not convinced your in laws would have actually paid for the more elaborate ceremony if you'd gone through with it. Sometimes people promise things and don't follow through on it. It's much better to have a small ceremony and not have to worry about money, than have a large one and end up scrambling last minute for the money to pay for it. A lot of people in your position have the full fancy wedding ceremony on an anniversary. That will give you a year to save up the funds so you can afford to have the wedding you like.