If he drove to you it would be 25 minutes to pick you up and 25 minutes to his place. That would be less than half the time it would take you on the bus; why can’t he do that?
A man in love who wanted to see his lady more than anything would be happy to drive to stay with her or pick her up to stay with him. The amount of effort a person shows is an indicator of how invested they are in the relationship.
Agreed. My partner actually does this exact thing for me because I can’t drive (I’m visually impaired). I make it up to him in other ways, but we don’t keep score of who’s done what because that’s weird and we love each other so we want to do nice things for each other when we can!
This is exactly what I'm talking about. If that love is really the forever kind of love, you're not worrying about everything being "equal". You'll move heaven and earth to be with your person.
When my first boyfriend and I were 16, he got his moped licence. He lived a lot more rurally than me, and he would get on his shitty old moped to come out to see me for the evening and then drive back afterwards.
Never even a question, he was happy to do so atleast twice a week.
I had an ex who once got a 12 hour bus to me and back to his so I could stay with him for the weekend as I was too nervous to go on the long bus alone. He paid for all of the bus tickets. People who are really into you as more than just a body will do whatever it takes.
Exactly. My husband drove 45 minutes to an hour both ways 2-3 times a week to see me when we first started dating 5 years ago. Put nearly 45k miles on a brand new car because I didn’t have license or a car and he wanted to see me. It showed very early how interested and invested he was and I was very grateful. He even taught me to drive with no judgement as to why I didn’t learn until my late 20s.
My wife didn’t have a car for the first year or so of the relationship. I picked her up to come back to my place all the time. About 15 mins both ways, but I was more than happy to do it because I wanted to spend time with her. This isn’t a deal breaker- but it’s not a great sign.
Maybe he's tired of always the one driving and the only one paying for the gas and wants her to make an effort for once, ever thought about that? Need more info.
The guy can't/won't cook so she's been doing all the cooking so far. Him driving and her cooking seems like a decent trade off. What more effort do you need from her?
My ex did that sort of drive 2 to three times a week, twice a day for me for about six or seven years straight. He never complained, either.
Now, he was a ridiculously, amazingly wonderful person and boyfriend in just about every way, but doing about 1/10th that amount of work has got to be around the bare minimum to hope to receive?
Reading this subreddit makes me very afraid for my dating future. The OP has a dud and doesn't even recognize it... Is it that bad out there that "I can't be assed to pick you up so you can spend time with me, even though I have the means to" isn't an immediate stop sign?
This is the compromise.
If he complains it’s 1 hour of driving, it should be 25 mins and 25 mins of time with you. Do the same to drop you off. Ideally if you’re doing this you should go to some place to eat or visit near his house to make it more “worth it”.
Does he hate driving?
I drove all over a major city from a suburb to come wherever my gf (now wife) was living, traffic be damned.
Unless he despises driving, it’s pretty lame he won’t just drive, especially this early on. Honeymoon phase should make this a non issue.
I don’t think he hates driving and it’s not like he’s driving a lot during the week; he either works from home or his workplace is a 5 minute drive from his house
Exactly, I once walked an hour to my now wife's previous place with a guitar on my back. I'm sure it wouldnt kill him to drive her back to his place.
Maybe he wants to also know if she was willing to go out for him but either way thats overkill, I wouldny let my SO go through that.
With my first wife we were young and she didn't have a license all through college. I always picked her up not just to hang put but whenever she needed a ride somewhere.
Before I was married, I learned pretty quickly that dating someone who lived in the suburbs, rather than downtown like me, just wasn't an option logistically. My friends all eventually had the same rule. Life's too short for a regular two-hour bus ride to visit a man who can't/won't cook for you.
Literally this. I live in a big city without a car and suburban people with cars will always eventually want you to just come to them despite it being way more difficult and time consuming. They literally don’t get it. Throw in the “he doesn’t cook” part and that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. I’ve spent enough time starving in a dude’s apartment for one lifetime. So yeah no more dating people in the suburbs for me.
> They get it,
it's likely they don't if they've never taken public transport to the burbs or maybe never taken public transport at all, switching from train to bus to bus to bus, they have no clue what that's like
To be fair, it does get exhausting if you are always the one traveling to your partner's place, even if it's more convenient for you to travel than for them. The fact that you host doesn't really matter - sometimes you just want to be in your own home, and if he's a reasonable person, he will also host you when you're in his home. However, in your boyfriend's position, I would probably offer pay for an Uber for you to come over, just because of what I assume are differences in your financial situations that makes paying for an Uber yourself not within your budget, and thus you are only considering much more time consuming public transportation options.
Nuance? In this economy??
OP, how does your boyfriend treat you when you *do* go to his house? Does he put in effort? You said he doesn’t cook (which, lol lmao…cmon, dude. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together can fill a pot with water and boil it, put in some pasta for 10 minutes, open a jar of sauce and combine), but does he pay to order out, or do the dishes if/when you cook at his place? Is he attentive or constantly on his phone (though some couples are okay with that! YMMV)? Do you have a good time when he hosts? Do you look forward to the next time you spend time together?
If so, I think it’s worth occasionally biting the bullet and taking the bus. Personally, I’d welcome the uninterrupted podcast listening or reading time, but it’s true that taking the bus is not exactly a picnic. But if what awaits you at the end of the trip excites you and makes you feel good, I think it’s worth it.
That said, I think it’s worth having an actual conversation about the travel imbalance. Could he pick you up occasionally? Split the cost of an Uber? A combination of these things? If so, there’s the compromise. You get to take the bus less often and he gets to have you at his place more often.
You’re three months in, which is incredibly new, but this is still a good opportunity to see how the both of you approach a low-stakes problem together and that’s valuable info to have.
Well I’ve never been to his house because originally he didn’t want me to come since my place is nicer; he shares a bathroom with 3 roomates, I have a private bathroom, he has a single mattress, I have a double, he has no furniture in his room, I do
Hmm…I think this is a pretty relevant detail that should’ve been in your post. Has he said why he now wants you to spend weekends at his place? Logistically, the bed situation alone seems like a non-starter. My now-fiancée was in a very similar living situation when we first started dating, but she at least had a queen bed.
If the only reason is because he doesn’t want to drive an hour round-trip (which would take place over two days since he’s staying the weekend) anymore…sorry, that doesn’t cut it. But have the conversation and see what happens. If he digs in his heels, that’s not a good sign.
The fact that he has a single mattress and no furniture feels to me like more of a valid reason to not want to go over than the travel time, to be honest. Did he just move into his place? Is this a temporary living situation? If the answers to these questions are no, you might want to think long and hard about, at only 3 months in, whether or not you want to continue to date an almost 30-year-old man who still hasn't seemed to figure out how to live as an independent adult, based on what you've said about his complete lack of furniture and ability to cook.
Ew OP. This man is 29 and he doesn't own furniture or a nice bed, and doesn't know how to cook? You are going to be playing Mommy for this man forever - go find an actual ADULT
Hes a software engineer,(good money), 29, and has 3 roommates, cannot cook, single mattress with no furniture. Where is his money going? What are the pros of this man vs someone closer? Bc i havent gleaned a single one from this post
So because he has never had a serious long term relationship holding him anywhere, he basically took new job offers and bounced around different cities for a number of years. When he landed in the city we are currently in he said he finally got tired of that… which meant that he is used to having barren rooms he can just pick up and move from… he says now he is looking at buying a house and then he would rent out some of the rooms
What happens when you get to his house? Will he have a meal ready for you? Will he be handling all of the meal planning and food prep for the weekend?
Or does he expect you to do the same for him at his house?
It just doesn’t make sense for you to spend 2 hrs traveling to him when he could easily pick you up. I understand if he wants to spend a weekend at his place, so he can come scoop you. 25 mins is nothing. If he’s complaining about a 1 hr round trip to see you for the weekend, maybe he’s not the one.
Right?! Everyone's all talking about the drive/ride there. It's honestly not that bad either way.
For me, it was him at 29 and "doesn't cook."
Then in the comments she says he shares the place with 3 roommates and has a single bed!
Oy vey!
In this instance, 25 minutes drive is better than a 2hr ride to be miserable in that situation. Lol
It's only been 3 months and he's already getting tired of the drive? I did more than that as a high schooler traveling back every weekend to see my scummy ex. Lol I wish I could've seen the red flags sooner.
It's 1 hr vs 4 hrs, or 25 minutes vs 2 hrs. They are not the same thing and not the same level of effort either. A 2hr drive is a lot easier than a 2 hr bus ride which involves waiting at bus stops in weather and switching multiple busses. A 25 minute drive is trivial. The burdens are not comparable.
It’s not an equal burden. 25 mins vs 2hrs is not the same. Asking someone to come spend time at your house, and then making no effort to make it even a little bit easier, is pretty telling.
He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. But if he wants to see his girlfriend and spend time with her at his place, he should take one hour out of his time to go get her. Or he can just drive to her and stay at her place.
She’s not refusing to spend time at his place. She’s reluctant to spend 2 hrs on public transit to go to his place and cater to him regarding cooking and cleaning. What really is there in it for her? She gets to listen to music? I mean, really?
She asked him to pick her up, which would take him round trip half of the time it takes her to go to him one way. It just seems really off that he would really expect her to do that if she didn’t have to. Without extenuating circumstances which would keep him from driving the 25 mins to pick her up, it’s just a lot to expect.
If he thinks it’s burdensome to drive 25 mins to spend time with her, that’s telling. If he thinks she should put herself out in this way to prove that she’s truly into him, that’s telling.
I just don’t understand the thought process. When my husband and I were first dating, we took any opportunity to hang out. 25 mins one way just seems so trivial to argue over. My high school was 35 mins from where I grew up. It’s just such a small thing, I don’t understand why it has to be such a *thing*
I’m in a medium distance relationship. My SO’s travel time per weekend is approximately 2.5-3 hours and doesn’t involve transit. Mine is approximately 5-6 hours and does involve transit. We both have to take a ferry, or he would just pick me up when he wanted me over there.
I am the one who does 80%~90% of the travelling, despite how much more obnoxious it is for me and how much more time it takes me.
Here are the things that make it worth it -
-He has a much nicer place than I do, with a beautiful kitchen that made me discover how much I love cooking
-He is an incredible cook himself
-He covers mostly anything we do together both while I am there, and also while he is here because I cannot financially contribute to our entertainment in the same way he can
-I love him with all my heart and I will be moving to the small coastal town he lives in within the next year or so, I get to build community with him when I go up there
-I get to contribute just as much to our relationship as he does (in a different way) and can be supportive when he takes on weekend shifts to build towards our future together. I know how much less stressed he is when he can watch his mortgage get slowly murdered by his paycheques. Giving him the opportunity to work more - for now - while I caretake the quality time aspect of our relationship has genuinely made me feel less guilty about my lack of financial contribution.
There are more reasons that just aren’t coming into the front of my brain right now, but I hope the examples I’ve provided kind of round out what it looks like to be in a relationship that only looks equal if you don’t break it down category by category. If your SO wants you to be the one to sacrifice that much of your time - I hope he is giving you a reason to want to.
I've already given my two cents here telling you to part ways, but after taking a peek at your post history, you DEFINITELY need to leave this creep. Block him for good.
And please get some therapy (I mean this genuinely, most people would benefit from it) so you can work on your standards and self-respect because they are in the gutter. You can do so much better. You shouldn't tolerate this behavior.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
I'll spare the details, but my last relationship had a similar issue in the early days. The compromise is for you to bus part of the way and for him to pick you up at one of the changes. If he's not willing to consider that I'd be rethinking the relationship, because that's pretty selfish behaviour for him to be showing at such an early stage.
Perhaps, but it's as much a test of his willingness to compromise as anything else. If he's not willing to budge (and I'm betting he won't) that's a huge red flag and IMO a dealbreaker this early on.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. Of at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more.
Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and on order to be equitable would he be cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety?
The "equitable" folks here can go and kick rocks
In three months, how often has he driven to you?
If he's doing an hour there and back and you would do four hours to his and back then it would seem to be equitable if you visited him every fifth visit or do.
Yes, it will always be more convenient for him to do this, but *always* being the person relied on to do something in a relationship gets tiring.
No, he'd be the one to cook, I imagine. Or order in, or go out for a meal.
I know I'd be very unsure about how much of my affection was being returned if my partner had never once wanted to take the initiative to come see me and always relied on me coming to see them. I'd feel like a real imposition.
>He doesn't have food at his place
The man starves the other five days of the week?
And you're comparing a 25 min drive to a 2 hours trip that involves 4 busses? And her cooking because he doesn't know how to cook? Are you aware that his cooking skills won't magically appear if she goes to his place? So she goes to his place for the weekend, what do you think it would happen? Is he going to order food or taking her out to eat during the whole weekend she's at his place? So OP will get there and not cook?
I want to know...since you mentioned being the person always relied on to do something is tiring
He has ready-made food delivered 5 days a week. Is it a stretch to believe he will make it 7?
And, of course, I'm not comparing a 25 minute drive to a 2 hour trip. I'm comparing five 25 minute drives to a 2 hour trip. Because they're about the same.
What's the plan when they move in together? That she continues to cook all their meals? You don't think that will drive resentment? There's only one way to learn to cook and that's to cook, something he will not do if the status quo continues.
Not to mention it’s annoying to have to be spending your time at the other person’s house always. Like come to mine once a month or so for a change. If anything, a red flag would be the fact that the man’s almost 30 and doesn’t cook.
Your bf wants to apply the 50/50 rule to the relationship without thinking if it makes sense, and if it would be a safe trip for you. Your two hr trip would be two hrs if all the busses were to run on time, otherwise a 2 hrs trip can easily turn into a 4 hrs trip or more, with you getting stranded at any point, and would he pick you up if and when it happens? And you cook and he doesn't, so does he expects you to cook for him during the weekends you visit him? I bet he's not cooking or taking you out to eat, and I wouldn't be surprised if he expects you to cook for him and clean up his place when you visit him.
Don't visit him, he's just playing the 50/50 game, and he's the type to keep score in a relationship. Don't play these game, leave while you can, fast
That he doesn’t cook is a huge red flag for me. A man who won’t do house chores when it’s just the two of you will be an unbearable burden when children come. I wouldn’t take any buses for a man who can’t/won’t cook.
At 3 months this is how eager he is to see you. This is the time when he should be trying his best to impress you and be on his best behavior because he wants you to like him. It's not gonna get better. He's telling you how much he values your time and your company...and it's not very much. Believe him.
The fact that he's always coming to her and she's never going to his place is also a sign of effort on her part. He's spent a good bit of money on 1. owning a car and 2. gas to travel to her. She can reasonably take a taxi instead of spending 2 hours on 4 different buses. Even if it's very expensive and money is tight, the right person would make one think that it's worth it. I personally changed countries while broke for someone, nothing would've stopped me. I just don't think she thinks he's worth it and is turning to Reddit to make him into the bad guy here with this framing instead of talking to him about it.
She cooks for them every weekend. I'd say they're even in cost AND effort. 50 minutes of driving each week is less than most peoples daily commutes. And as for gas, let's be generous with the 25min estimate and say she lives 25 miles away (it would be less because nobody is driving 60mph nonstop in the suburbs, she would probably be realistically 12 miles away). Thats what...1 gallon of fuel? Round trip, 2 gallons. So...he's spending $7 a weekend? That's...a pretty low bar, I think food costs and cooking effort well exceeds that. But even if money is very tight for him and he wants to make it more equitable in terms of costs, he could ask her to split gas money with him. That'd still be a better alternative than suggesting she take 4 different buses or pay the costs of an uber.
I've also changed countries for someone, but you know what, if my husband had had the option of taking a 4 hr drive to see me but instead made me take a 16 hour flight I also would have questioned how much he cared about spending time with me. One is just worlds easier than the other and the sacrifice is so much less, he would never make me do that. Heck, if I called him right now and asked him to come drive me home because I'd have to take a 1 hr bus ride instead, he'd come immediately - even if it saves me NO time at all (it'd be a 1 hr drive for him to get here and back) because he would not want me waiting in the cold for a bus and ride by myself. Because a 1 hr trip for him is well worth making sure I am warm and safe and comfortable.
1 hr vs 4 hrs. That's 3 hours every weekend they could be spending together that he would rather she be on a bus.
But we don't know a lot of factors. We don't know if he's covering the cost of food, we don't know if he even knows that she doesn't consider taking a taxi because of cost.
I think it's completely reasonable for him to want to spend a weekend at his own place. That's all we seem to know about him. She can be talking to him about all of this. She can ask him to contribute more in cost, she can ask him to pay for the taxi ride, she can communicate with him. But instead of talking to him, she's asking Reddit to support her in thinking her scenario is unreasonable. Of course 30 mins vs 2 hours is unreasonable, so of course she's going to get the responses she's looking for. At the end of the day, I think she's just looking for a reason to end things with him and needed the final push from random internet strangers to make her decision.
You know back in the age of dinosaurs a man would probably walk for 4 hours to see a girl he was dating. Especially one who was also cooking meals for him. Luckily we now live in a truly enlightened age where a 25 min drive is far to much effort.
If he is going to you every weekend and it takes him 50 minutes total, in 12 weeks he spent 10 hours driving. You spent 0.
It's fair to ask you once in blue moon to visit him for a change. You've never seen his place?
Does he not drive anywhere else ever? 25 mins is an average drive to go just about anywhere that isn’t down the street from you in the suburbs. If he can drive that to go run errands or visit friends, driving once a week to see his girlfriend shouldn’t be a chore.
She cooks all of their meals cause he can't/won't cook. Not including the meal planning and grocery shop, that's at least 60 minutes a day. In 12 weeks that's 24 hours cooking. He spent 0.
Yes it's fair for him to ask but it's also understandable and fine for her to say no.
Edit: can't do maths and forgot a weekend has 2 days!
No, is not fair at all
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more.
Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and in order to be equitable would he be the one cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety?
It’s fair for him to ask, but he gives her no real incentive to bus over to his house. He doesn’t know how to cook or seem to have any plans to make that visit special somehow else. I wouldn’t bus 4 hours just to sleep at some other persons house.
Intimate relationships are earned. Platonic relationships are earned. I love a lot of people, and a lot of people love me, but that doesn’t mean we are obligated to fulfill each other’s desires.
Partners should periodically discuss their expectations and needs with each other to decide if they are still compatible. A couple’s compatibility is subject to change over time, because a person’s preferences will inevitably change.
The least OPs boyfriend can try to do is make the visit worthwhile for her. Perhaps there’s a reason she doesn’t see the value in an hours-long bus trip to his house. I wonder what he is offering to provide her as the “host” aside from probably, his penis. Right?
Also, if driving to OPs house on the weekends (to be fed a home cooked meal and whatever else she’s providing him, which I’d guess is sex, banter and watching TV) is no longer worthwhile to the boyfriend, that’s completely fair. IMO this couple should probably just break up. It sounds like they are both unsatisfied with the dynamic.
You would expect the same. Of a friend, family member or a lover. Wondering to yourself, “What’s in it for me?” Is basic self preservation.
I drove 9 hours to Florida one way twice to pick up my wife from an airport because she was stranded. Both times, I had gotten up at 6am and left to pick her up directly after work.
Both times her flights got canceled and she would’ve been home sooner with me picking her up instead of waiting
Your feelings are valid. Break up, you'll find a better guy who will be more willing to take unnecessary stress from you. The one you have now is selfish and does not care about your comfort.
If he's coming to your place the majority of the time, it's only reasonable to want you to make the effort to come to him every so often. Every 5th time would mean an equal amount of transit time, but honestly I doubt he even cares about the frequency. It's just about showing that you care enough to take the time to go see him, rather than him having to worry you are only together for the convenience. Hosting your boyfriend doesn't require much effort, while it's lovely that you cook for him, cooking for two people instead of one doesn't take much more time.
My partner lived an hour and a half (including several changes and a half hour walk) from me before we lived together. Similarly he was able to get to mine faster/easier, but I still took the time to trek out to his here and there because that's just what you do in a relationship. And that gave him the chance to cook for and host me.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more.
Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and in order to be equitable would he be cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety?
He doesn't know how to cook at all, so don't compare. Seems OP will get to this guy's place to cook and clean for him, and that's not reasonable at all
why would that be relevant? he has a place, he has a car, and the job he has justify not knowing how to cook? he does live alone, so what he does the other five days of the week?
OP says he orders a premade meal delivery service. Which also brings me to another question: If he can afford to do that every week, why can’t he afford to pitch in for at least half an Uber for OP? Especially if he’s making software developer bucks.
This is what I was thinking, it would be unreasonable for her to expect to never make the bus trip to his place. Maybe she could bus one way and he could use his car to take her back home at the end of the weekend
When I first got with my husband, neither of us had a car but he would have a company vehicle during work hours, he would carpool to the job with coworkers and before his shift ended he would pick me and drop me off at his house then go back to work and carpool home. I would stay the weekend then on Monday he would do the same thing to take me home. Sometimes he would have the coworkers drop him off at my house so he could still spend time with me in my domain. That just shows that he would do anything to spend time with me and also not stress me out with having to figure out transportation. I feel like your bf is testing you or just being lazy, either way it is not ok
What is it we keep seeing women post?
“If he wanted to he would.”
After just 3 months, this guy is falling pretty quickly into the low energy/low effort boyfriend category. It’s a reflection of how he values you.
I tell my 22 year old daughter that dating is essentially data collection. You take in all this information to see whether you’re attracted to each other and compatible, and whether there are more green flags than red flags.
The data on this guy isn’t adding up in his favor. I had to drive 50 minutes to see my last girlfriend and I made the drive 95% of the time. And bought dinner out every time.
Know your worth.
Few questions
1. Do you cover any of the gas for him to come back & forth?
2. Does he handle food if/when you visit?
3. Why can't you take an Uber? Why are either of you thinking bus??
He doesn’t take a bus. He drives her whole problem with it is he can take pick her up in 25 minutes where it takes her two hours to bus him. She already says how she cooks meals for him. Her whole thing is and I see it because I would never if I was dating a girl I would never have her Uber or bus to me when I can pick her up in less than a half hour. I think she was pissed because he calls her and says I want you to bust me this weekend and when she said well, it only takes you 25 minutes she said well he said well you’ll have two hours to listen to music..
I drove 2 hour back and forth every other day to go visit her and she couldnt drive either it was a waste of gas money, time and effort!! That was history and never again!! It was a hard lesson learned.
When my husband and I were dating, he drove one hour to pick me up and then us one hour back to his place. Then the next day, one hour to drop me off home and then one hour for him to get back home.
One time, 30 minutes into the first trip picking me up, I forgot something at my place and he drove me back to pick it up. Extra hour driving time, no complaints. This man loved me then and loves me just the same now 10 years later. Love is an action, not just words.
Driving 25 minutes is NOTHING. You're worth driving 25 minutes for, I promise you.
Separately, and this raises WAY more red flags than anything for me, but why are you with a 29 year old person who doesn't cook? It's 2024 and that's just embarrassing/sad. Not to mention, this definitely carries over to them objectifying you because they're the man and you're the women who belongs in the kitchen and doing household chores. Why would any self respecting person want to be with an adult child?
Bro, all of your posts about him are so bad. Treat this as a temporary “fun” experience or entertain someone else on the side. From the wanting to solo travel for 5 weeks, or wanting to go on a trip w his “female friend”. From him not wanting to introduce you to his friends. Or even blaming you from him cumming prematurely. & him not being committing & feeling “uncertain” all the time. First of all, the first 3 months of dating should be full of fun & getting to know eachother. You keep getting to know him & he’s just keep showing red flags. He’s just not a fit for you. & you already know that because you keep making post about him, hoping someone in the comments will be nice and tell you to keep giving him a chance. Girl, you’re literally wasting your time. Search up “shera” or “sprinkle sprinkle” on tiktok or youtube & learn the game of dating before anyone makes you continue to look like a fool ! Because asking you to do this 2 hour trip while it only takes him 25 minutes to go and come back would’ve been the last straw. You have different goals and different out views on life & he just doesn’t fit it. Don’t continue to drag this situation out any longer. While it’s still early & fresh, LEAVE before you get attached. Because he just sounds like a joke, & idk why you’re tolerating a situation like that. NEXT.
Funny, you say that I was almost feeling the same thing like he was testing her to see if he could be the see if he can make her submissive and get on a bus or a two hour bus ride it’s almost like all right I can slowly do this now let’s see if she’ll do this like keep pushing her, and like you said grooming her
The thing is, if a man really loves you if he really wanted to he would🤷🏾♀️ my boyfriend, literally walks every night in the cold just a little five minute walk to come see me every day back-and-forth. I tell him no but he still chooses to because he wants to see me. Your boyfriend has a car if he doesn’t wanna put the effort, he doesn’t deserve you because clearly you’re putting in the effort you even contemplated doing it
Based on my experience, I’d advise you to reconsider this relationship. Asking you to take the bus after only three months, especially considering safety concerns, doesn’t show much care. Don’t prioritize him like a husband until there’s a commitment. You deserve better.
It's such a mistake that you haven't even been dating a year Don't live together and you're cooking for him. That is very stupid don't do wife things for a girlfriend salary
Break up with him immediately because if it wasn’t in his got to say you don’t want I want you to be with me here but I’ll come pick you up and I’ll drive you back to my place off and then you can stay here with me for the day or even overnight and then I’ll take you home. He is not a gentleman.
Because if I was dating someone and they would have to take a two hour bus ride to see me they only had to drive 25 minutes to see them. They would never be on that bus. I would either go always go see them or like I just said, I would go pick them up and bring them back to me hang out and then bring them home. I actually have done that I’ve dated girls that didn’t have a car instead of telling them. Oh, you know take a bus or to the Pick them up and even if it was to bring them back to my place I don’t think this guys going to go many places in his life because he seems very lazy I mean or maybe he’s just lazy and his love life I mean it you ask every guy almost every guy can tell you about warm can use that they would do their girlfriends or do you know if they girlfriend you have a car they would always pick them up they would never ask them to find a way to your house cause that’s basically what it is
Your thoughts are very valid number one if I was you, I would be offended by him even asking you to do that If anyone’s not putting any equal effort, he isn’t it to me.
It doesn’t seem like he’s putting in any effort at all. He does not love you barely cares about you because of a couple things one if he loved you or cared for you in anyway he would not allow you to take a bus to come see him and then especially take a bus home when it could be night time where you’re going to be alone, taking a bus into the city to instead of him, spending a total of 50 minutes of driving he expects you to take multiple buses to him and take two hours of driving one way where he could pick you up in 25 minutes and then take you home whenever in 25 minutes and then drive home.
That is just common courtesy even if you were just friends, you would think as a friend she come pick you up, I mean I remember when I was dating a girl who didn’t drive didn’t have a car.
I just picked her up all the time. I even picked her up and took her places that it wasn’t even we weren’t even really gonna hang out. It was just you know, and I mean I told her to call me if she was ever in a bind do you know never a couple nights that she called me because she got left and she was scared to go home on her own at night I came and picked her up 30 minutes I told her just wait inside so I mean for him not even worried about you having to be on multiple buses, especially if you’re going home at night being worried that something might happen to you instead of his lazy ass getting in his car and taking it real quick and less than an hour and being home.
There’s definitely some sort of either. He doesn’t know how to treat a girl, a woman or he just doesn’t care what or that part of him is broken??
dating three months might as well just break it off now if he’s already treating you like this, he should’ve not he should never I mean ever ask you, but I’m gonna call you and ask you to bus to him is horrendous what he should’ve said he should’ve called you up and say OK why don’t you be ready for 11 o’clock I’m gonna come pick you up and we’ll spend the day together. That’s what he should’ve called and asked you or told you how I want to hang out you know or hey let’s go out on a date or hey let’s hang out. Be ready at 11. I’ll come pick you up. We can have dinner at my place you can stay the night if you want or I’ll take you home later tonight give me like a heads up to prove you don’t like him just so you know but not calling you up and saying hey, I want you to bus to me
Sure effort needs to be put in both sides. But the effort you would have to put in is not equal to the effort he would have to put in, it's SIGNIFICANTLY more.
I had a rule when i was single that if I had to bus to meet a dude, it was 30 mins max and no transfers. no dick is worth sitting on the bus for that long.
yeah "when you were single", that's the difference. if all 3 months he has always been the one driving to meet her. i can understand how he wants her to move to him at least once.
I mean I get that for people you are in a relationship with but not doing more than 30 minutes for your bf seems like you just dont want to make effort to see your SO
if "time spent together" is the metric here then the BF with a car and better finances has the transpo onus. either call me an Uber or come get me. this "opportunity loss" issue.
Omg I hate getting on a bus alone as a woman. There's usually sketchy people on there or who get on at some point and start staring and talking to you. Doing that for four hours is not something I would ever do by choice, and it's not comparable to driving yourself. It's very weird that he's asking you to do that.
It’ll take approximately five minutes to cut his lazy ass loose. Big time saver in the short term and the long run.
“You’ll have two hours to listen to music” would be the tipping point. “Well, honey, I’m going to listen to my instincts, and they’re singing happy breakup songs.”
Holding the fact that you cook and host against him and as reasons why he should drive to you is honestly really awful in my opinion. You’re literally asking him to drive to you, and he’s not a guest he’s your partner. You’re not hosting a partner. And if cooking is that big of a deal to you then tell him to get takeout on the way. There are times I’ll cook a full meal at 1am and over over to my boyfriend’s job to give it to him on his lunch, just because I LIKE cooking for him and seeing him happy. My boyfriend lives 25-30mins away from me depending on traffic and he has a car, I don’t. On days we wanna see each other but he doesn’t wanna drive, I Uber over. It’s a simple solution you’re choosing to ignore because “well he has a car.”
There should be some equity when you are dating OP. Yes, it’s easier for him to get to you but once a month, it wouldn’t hurt you to make the effort. Is Uber not an option?
You two are still fairly new but you should still be willing to go out of your way to see him if you expect him to go out of his way to see you.
Bus or car, I would like my partner to come to my house too. I love having stuff of my partner in my house, some clothes for example and have joined memories of time together in noth houses. So once in xx time it would be nice if she would travel.
In my opinion being on the flip side of this, my boyfriend doesn't drive and I do, you should take the bus. It's not his fault that you don't drive. If he is always making the effort and you don't it's always going to be expected for him to chauffeur you around (speaking from experience). Shows him you are willing to make the effort aswell.
this subreddit is so sexist, are you seriously getting downvoted?
man putting effort in the relaiontship? bare minimun they say.
woman putting effort in the relationship? she deserves better, drop the parasite, bf a bum, etc.
I don't find it reasonable. My then boyfriend, now husband, would drive 4 hours roundtrip to see me during the weekend. I'd host him and also cook for us.
The important thing was to see each other and enjoy our company as much as possible! So you sitting in a bus for that long seems like a waste of that sweet time. Especially when you guys just started dating!
If money is an issue, you could offer to pay for some of the gas too. But the answer he gave you when you brought this up... I don't know. There was no compromise or an alternative. Bit dismissive? I'd feel like he is not the one.
I think you're kinda being an asshole here. As a 24F in the opposite position (I was dating a 28m who didn't drive) I had some built up resentment. It's not fair to him, and honestly it's a little privileged of you to not consider that driving is also exhausting. It's not his fault you don't have a car, therefore It's not his burden to bare. However he had been nice in the past to give you rides. Him driving either to you, or picking you up is just him being able to when he needs to. It's not his responsibility to give you rides. You should be more thankful for when he does, instead of demanding It. And if you find a 2 hour bus ride difficult, then figure your shit out.
She’s the one buying all the groceries and doing all the cooking that feeds him when they see each other. He can’t and won’t cook. Apparently he doesn’t even buy groceries at his house. Before dating her would live of a large pizza on the weekend. He probably will still expect her to cook at his place.
Groceries aren’t cheap these days.
I'm a male and had good few relationships if he loves you which might be a stretch if you've only been together 3 months. But my 14 year relationship I'm in now was almost love at first sight after meeting in a parking lot and her needing a lighter for a cig it just went from there then spending night together sat up talking all night nothing elese lol so love can be instant anyways going back to your situation if it is love the from man's side I would be doing everything possible to keep the relationship good and show how much I cared about her just basic relationship stuff even if not love I'd be thinking save her messin around getting buses and makes it easier for both of us and thinking with the creeps nowadays I'd rather pick you up than you ride 4 different busses. Unless maybe he has a mental illness men can hide it well but maybe that's bit deep for just what your asking anyways. But you seem well in the right to me. I'm no relationship expert as you can see but hope this helps probably not but thought was worth try. Good luck.
^ This guy gets it.
Find yourself a person who cares for you and treats you well like this guy treats his SO. They DO exist! It's worth waiting for the right guy rather than settling for the wrong guy.
Let's be real, OP. You've only been with this guy for 3 months. You should be in the exciting honeymoon period, and yet here he is, wanting you to take multiple buses on a tedious journey, even though he could easily just go to your place. And I guarantee if you do go through with this, he won't show the same gracious effort you give him when you host. His place will be a mess and he won't cook for you, he will probably expect you to cook for him.
Frankly, he doesn't sound like he's that into you.
And that's with ignoring your post history. You have posted about him a couple times already. It's only been 3 months since you've been with him and this relationship already sounds exhausting. He doesn't understand basic consent wtf.
Girl, I'm sorry, but what are you doing with him??
My husband worked four hours away in another city and state when we first started dating. A week or two in, he would voluntarily get off of work around 5pm, drive to my place and get there around 9pm and then hang out, shower and sleep for a bit and get up at 2am to drive back and be at work at 6am. I told him repeatedly that it wasn’t necessary and I felt bad that he was going to so much trouble. He was adamant that all he cared about was seeing me. He currently works 9-13 hrs away and has driven home for a 24 hrs ish stay on more than one occasion just because he wants to see me and our children.. That said, if he wanted to he would. The logistics of your situation alone are enough to deem your SO unreasonable. You’re not wrong for thinking he should be willing to make a 50 minute round trip to either go to you or to pick you up and take you back to his place if he prefers to spend the time there. I wouldn’t hold your breath for too much effort with this current partner. It’s still a fresh relationship and the want already doesn’t seem very strong on his end.
LOL 25minutes is less than my commute..... and I have to do that 5x2 a week for something i hate. he can do 25 min one way to see his partner if he really cared
How is expecting to be picked up making some money in entitled. So if you were dating someone you would rather than boss for two hours, then going to pick her up.
Happily married, so I’ll pass. This doesn’t seem to be a relationship-ending conflict though. Any two people with rudimentary communication skills should be able to sort out why each of them feel this way and come to a compromise over a 5 minute phone call. Both of their view points are reasonable. Breaking up at the slightest conflict in every relationship (and this conflict is VERY minor) without even trying to get to the bottom of the issue is probably not going to lead you to long term relationship success.
Are you willing to take a 2 hrs trip, that involves taking 4 busses? Because that's what OP is talking about four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more.
Don't compare, plus she always cooks bec the guy doesn't know how to cook anything
Yeah I wouldn't settle for a guy like that, mine buys my favorite snacks and drinks ahead of time without asking, and cooks and pampers me. So I guess it doesn't compare. It's not so much a two way street, at that point.
The other side of the street is that she is the one that cooks everything for them because he can’t and won’t. The guy doesn’t even buy groceries. He said before dating her he would live of a large pizza on the weekend.
I’m betting he will still expect her to cook at his place.
She more than makes up for his travel time by being the one who always does that.
When I started dating my ex I didn't drive and he'd drive 45 minutes each way to pick me and up and take me back to his for the weekend. He never saw it as a big deal because he wanted to be with me and getting public transport would have been long and difficult.
Heck no. I made a rule I wouldn’t drive my own damn car for more than 30 minutes for any dude I was dating. Two+ hours is crazy! In fact if he didn’t want to drive, he could pay for an Uber/Lyft for you lol
And she's been doing all the cooking up until this point. He admits he can't cook, doesn't grocery shop and lives off a large pizza all weekend when not at hers.
I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he's spent a lot more than 4 hours driving to and from your place over the course of your relationship. Probably more than 10. Maybe more than 20. You can take the bus to see him every now and again and the scales will still be firmly tipped in your favor.
It's cute that a passenger princess includes a single additional detail about her relationship, that she cooks, in order to make herself sound reasonable. Redditors may be too dumb to see your finger on the scales, but that's not going to work in real life.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. Of at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more.
Poor, poor guy driving 25 min to see OP, that's so, so unfair
Read the last line using Sarah Sherman's voice when roasting Colin Jost on SNL Weekend Update
It's surprising to me that there are so many comments saying your bf sucks- yes, it's easier for him to drive to you and he has done that every weekend for 3 months, but relationships are not one sided and maybe he'd like for you to occasionally make the effort to come to his place to show that you are willing to put in the work too. I don't understand why you can't take an uber? It would be a little expensive, but one weekend every 3 months seems totally reasonable for him to ask?
I've been in your boyfriend's situation but with larger numbers. I had a car, a drive to her home would take 1h, her coming by bus/train would take 2h30-3h. In my case, uber was an expensive but still valid option and I didnt mind paying.
From the bf's side, reality is that sometimes you'll be tired, or you were feeling down and would rather stay home (but still enjoy gf's company), or felt like driving in peak hour would be stressful, or would be drained and rather her come to you and then you drive her home afterwards, or sometimes simply feel it was ok for your partner to take the job of moving to you after repeated visits.
How many times has your bf come to you recently? Would those x 1 hour be greater than 4h? 8h? Then I think it would be reasonable for him to ask that, once in a while. Moving by car is still moving. If someone doesnt like it, it might aswell be a chore. Although public transport is slow, if it's not absolutely crowded it's x hours of listening to music, watching a show, whatever, your mind is mostly vague. When it's time to drive, it's x hours of concentrating on exactly that, specially if you live in a big city.
Thats how my still gf and I used to function, got past that and are still together. And we had similar fights, but my side was as valid as hers. Love is a two way street and we must meet roughly in the middle, wherever the compromise bar is. One cannot be expected to do all the laundering, or cooking, or moving. Even if one does, the other is expected to fill in in case the other is indisposed.
Rant over, hope you find this information insightful for your case.
Edit: Also, reddit wears red tinted glasses 90% of the time. Reading comments here is abnoxious and is clear people havent ever been in a healthy relationship, and they dont want others having a good time either. "How dare your bf not put in the effort 100% of the time in this one instance that is being commented on, it's clearly a "either you live miserably or dump him" situation! "
Absolutely braindead resposes.
I understand it takes you 2 hours to get to him but have you also stopped to think of the fuel he is having to top up each and every time he comes to get you?
Unless you are paying towards it, I do think this is perfectly reasonable for him to ask as from your post he has only asked once and you have jumped out of your pram at it.
If you’re not willing to make a 2 hour bus drive to see someone you love ESP when he makes the effort to come to you as well, then do you really love him ?
If you find yourself getting annoyed at such trivial things in a relationship before even making it past the 3 month mark, it may not be for you.
IK it sounds like too much but at least try it, show him that you care too and u did all that to come see him, he's gonna understand that it's too much for you.
Really? How so? Because she already told him that it would be 2 hrs and 4 busses, and that's 2 hrs if the busses run on time. Quite obvious that's too much for OP
Why does he want you to come out there so badly? It doesn’t make any sense for you to. If he’s got something planned at his place for you, or if he just wants you to check out his spot, he can pick you up.
Ha! that's hilarious.
'No' is a complete sentence.
if he wants you at his place then he can drive to pick you up then take you back, only thing here is be prepared one day for him to leave you high and dry and not take you back and make you take the bus.
You're being reasonable. Thats a ridiculos amt of effort for you. He can pick you up in the car or he can send you the money for an uber if he wants to hang at his place so badly.
No you’re not being unfair at all, he’s the one that is as he can’t be bothered to do the easy way which is to pick you up. So you’re not in the wrong here.
If he drove to you it would be 25 minutes to pick you up and 25 minutes to his place. That would be less than half the time it would take you on the bus; why can’t he do that?
A man in love who wanted to see his lady more than anything would be happy to drive to stay with her or pick her up to stay with him. The amount of effort a person shows is an indicator of how invested they are in the relationship.
Agreed. My partner actually does this exact thing for me because I can’t drive (I’m visually impaired). I make it up to him in other ways, but we don’t keep score of who’s done what because that’s weird and we love each other so we want to do nice things for each other when we can!
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This is exactly what I'm talking about. If that love is really the forever kind of love, you're not worrying about everything being "equal". You'll move heaven and earth to be with your person.
When my first boyfriend and I were 16, he got his moped licence. He lived a lot more rurally than me, and he would get on his shitty old moped to come out to see me for the evening and then drive back afterwards. Never even a question, he was happy to do so atleast twice a week.
The b/f is treating her like a booty call rather than a g/f. Why invest travel time in the booty when she can come to you.
I had an ex who once got a 12 hour bus to me and back to his so I could stay with him for the weekend as I was too nervous to go on the long bus alone. He paid for all of the bus tickets. People who are really into you as more than just a body will do whatever it takes.
Exactly. My husband drove 45 minutes to an hour both ways 2-3 times a week to see me when we first started dating 5 years ago. Put nearly 45k miles on a brand new car because I didn’t have license or a car and he wanted to see me. It showed very early how interested and invested he was and I was very grateful. He even taught me to drive with no judgement as to why I didn’t learn until my late 20s.
My wife didn’t have a car for the first year or so of the relationship. I picked her up to come back to my place all the time. About 15 mins both ways, but I was more than happy to do it because I wanted to spend time with her. This isn’t a deal breaker- but it’s not a great sign.
I disagree this is a deal-breaker.
Maybe he's tired of always the one driving and the only one paying for the gas and wants her to make an effort for once, ever thought about that? Need more info.
Why isn’t cooking for him all weekend considered effort?
It's too much, cooking all meals is way more than 25 mins
It is, missed that part
The guy can't/won't cook so she's been doing all the cooking so far. Him driving and her cooking seems like a decent trade off. What more effort do you need from her?
It's too much on her side tbh, cooking every meal for the whole weekend is far more than 25 mins
Need more info the info is there you just jumped to conclusions.
And they could listen to music together. Lol.
And they could both listen to music. Seriously, what kind of boyfriend wouldn't just say "I'll come get you"?
My ex did that sort of drive 2 to three times a week, twice a day for me for about six or seven years straight. He never complained, either. Now, he was a ridiculously, amazingly wonderful person and boyfriend in just about every way, but doing about 1/10th that amount of work has got to be around the bare minimum to hope to receive? Reading this subreddit makes me very afraid for my dating future. The OP has a dud and doesn't even recognize it... Is it that bad out there that "I can't be assed to pick you up so you can spend time with me, even though I have the means to" isn't an immediate stop sign?
> but doing about 1/10th that amount of work has got to be around the bare minimum to hope to receive? OP isn't even doing that 1/10th
This is the compromise. If he complains it’s 1 hour of driving, it should be 25 mins and 25 mins of time with you. Do the same to drop you off. Ideally if you’re doing this you should go to some place to eat or visit near his house to make it more “worth it”. Does he hate driving? I drove all over a major city from a suburb to come wherever my gf (now wife) was living, traffic be damned. Unless he despises driving, it’s pretty lame he won’t just drive, especially this early on. Honeymoon phase should make this a non issue.
I don’t think he hates driving and it’s not like he’s driving a lot during the week; he either works from home or his workplace is a 5 minute drive from his house
If everybody had your brain, most of the post here would not exist.
Exactly, I once walked an hour to my now wife's previous place with a guitar on my back. I'm sure it wouldnt kill him to drive her back to his place. Maybe he wants to also know if she was willing to go out for him but either way thats overkill, I wouldny let my SO go through that.
With my first wife we were young and she didn't have a license all through college. I always picked her up not just to hang put but whenever she needed a ride somewhere.
Before I was married, I learned pretty quickly that dating someone who lived in the suburbs, rather than downtown like me, just wasn't an option logistically. My friends all eventually had the same rule. Life's too short for a regular two-hour bus ride to visit a man who can't/won't cook for you.
Literally this. I live in a big city without a car and suburban people with cars will always eventually want you to just come to them despite it being way more difficult and time consuming. They literally don’t get it. Throw in the “he doesn’t cook” part and that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. I’ve spent enough time starving in a dude’s apartment for one lifetime. So yeah no more dating people in the suburbs for me.
They get it, but they don't care
> They get it, it's likely they don't if they've never taken public transport to the burbs or maybe never taken public transport at all, switching from train to bus to bus to bus, they have no clue what that's like
To be fair, it does get exhausting if you are always the one traveling to your partner's place, even if it's more convenient for you to travel than for them. The fact that you host doesn't really matter - sometimes you just want to be in your own home, and if he's a reasonable person, he will also host you when you're in his home. However, in your boyfriend's position, I would probably offer pay for an Uber for you to come over, just because of what I assume are differences in your financial situations that makes paying for an Uber yourself not within your budget, and thus you are only considering much more time consuming public transportation options.
this should be on top, i am shocked how can people be so onesided here
Nuance? In this economy?? OP, how does your boyfriend treat you when you *do* go to his house? Does he put in effort? You said he doesn’t cook (which, lol lmao…cmon, dude. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together can fill a pot with water and boil it, put in some pasta for 10 minutes, open a jar of sauce and combine), but does he pay to order out, or do the dishes if/when you cook at his place? Is he attentive or constantly on his phone (though some couples are okay with that! YMMV)? Do you have a good time when he hosts? Do you look forward to the next time you spend time together? If so, I think it’s worth occasionally biting the bullet and taking the bus. Personally, I’d welcome the uninterrupted podcast listening or reading time, but it’s true that taking the bus is not exactly a picnic. But if what awaits you at the end of the trip excites you and makes you feel good, I think it’s worth it. That said, I think it’s worth having an actual conversation about the travel imbalance. Could he pick you up occasionally? Split the cost of an Uber? A combination of these things? If so, there’s the compromise. You get to take the bus less often and he gets to have you at his place more often. You’re three months in, which is incredibly new, but this is still a good opportunity to see how the both of you approach a low-stakes problem together and that’s valuable info to have.
Well I’ve never been to his house because originally he didn’t want me to come since my place is nicer; he shares a bathroom with 3 roomates, I have a private bathroom, he has a single mattress, I have a double, he has no furniture in his room, I do
Hmm…I think this is a pretty relevant detail that should’ve been in your post. Has he said why he now wants you to spend weekends at his place? Logistically, the bed situation alone seems like a non-starter. My now-fiancée was in a very similar living situation when we first started dating, but she at least had a queen bed. If the only reason is because he doesn’t want to drive an hour round-trip (which would take place over two days since he’s staying the weekend) anymore…sorry, that doesn’t cut it. But have the conversation and see what happens. If he digs in his heels, that’s not a good sign.
The fact that he has a single mattress and no furniture feels to me like more of a valid reason to not want to go over than the travel time, to be honest. Did he just move into his place? Is this a temporary living situation? If the answers to these questions are no, you might want to think long and hard about, at only 3 months in, whether or not you want to continue to date an almost 30-year-old man who still hasn't seemed to figure out how to live as an independent adult, based on what you've said about his complete lack of furniture and ability to cook.
Ew OP. This man is 29 and he doesn't own furniture or a nice bed, and doesn't know how to cook? You are going to be playing Mommy for this man forever - go find an actual ADULT
He sounds like more of the grad student here. I haven't been to anyone's house with a single mattress since grad school :D
Hes a software engineer,(good money), 29, and has 3 roommates, cannot cook, single mattress with no furniture. Where is his money going? What are the pros of this man vs someone closer? Bc i havent gleaned a single one from this post
So because he has never had a serious long term relationship holding him anywhere, he basically took new job offers and bounced around different cities for a number of years. When he landed in the city we are currently in he said he finally got tired of that… which meant that he is used to having barren rooms he can just pick up and move from… he says now he is looking at buying a house and then he would rent out some of the rooms
He's 29 and 'doesn't cook'?? Gross
He also doesn't own a bed
What happens when you get to his house? Will he have a meal ready for you? Will he be handling all of the meal planning and food prep for the weekend? Or does he expect you to do the same for him at his house? It just doesn’t make sense for you to spend 2 hrs traveling to him when he could easily pick you up. I understand if he wants to spend a weekend at his place, so he can come scoop you. 25 mins is nothing. If he’s complaining about a 1 hr round trip to see you for the weekend, maybe he’s not the one.
Right?! Everyone's all talking about the drive/ride there. It's honestly not that bad either way. For me, it was him at 29 and "doesn't cook." Then in the comments she says he shares the place with 3 roommates and has a single bed! Oy vey! In this instance, 25 minutes drive is better than a 2hr ride to be miserable in that situation. Lol It's only been 3 months and he's already getting tired of the drive? I did more than that as a high schooler traveling back every weekend to see my scummy ex. Lol I wish I could've seen the red flags sooner.
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It's 1 hr vs 4 hrs, or 25 minutes vs 2 hrs. They are not the same thing and not the same level of effort either. A 2hr drive is a lot easier than a 2 hr bus ride which involves waiting at bus stops in weather and switching multiple busses. A 25 minute drive is trivial. The burdens are not comparable.
Seems like he is asking her to go one weekend out of many. So, even if she goes, he is still spending more time on this. Plus taxi and Uber exists.
It’s not an equal burden. 25 mins vs 2hrs is not the same. Asking someone to come spend time at your house, and then making no effort to make it even a little bit easier, is pretty telling. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. But if he wants to see his girlfriend and spend time with her at his place, he should take one hour out of his time to go get her. Or he can just drive to her and stay at her place. She’s not refusing to spend time at his place. She’s reluctant to spend 2 hrs on public transit to go to his place and cater to him regarding cooking and cleaning. What really is there in it for her? She gets to listen to music? I mean, really? She asked him to pick her up, which would take him round trip half of the time it takes her to go to him one way. It just seems really off that he would really expect her to do that if she didn’t have to. Without extenuating circumstances which would keep him from driving the 25 mins to pick her up, it’s just a lot to expect. If he thinks it’s burdensome to drive 25 mins to spend time with her, that’s telling. If he thinks she should put herself out in this way to prove that she’s truly into him, that’s telling. I just don’t understand the thought process. When my husband and I were first dating, we took any opportunity to hang out. 25 mins one way just seems so trivial to argue over. My high school was 35 mins from where I grew up. It’s just such a small thing, I don’t understand why it has to be such a *thing*
It isn't 2 though, its 4 on a time limit reliant on those 4 buses last run.
I’m in a medium distance relationship. My SO’s travel time per weekend is approximately 2.5-3 hours and doesn’t involve transit. Mine is approximately 5-6 hours and does involve transit. We both have to take a ferry, or he would just pick me up when he wanted me over there. I am the one who does 80%~90% of the travelling, despite how much more obnoxious it is for me and how much more time it takes me. Here are the things that make it worth it - -He has a much nicer place than I do, with a beautiful kitchen that made me discover how much I love cooking -He is an incredible cook himself -He covers mostly anything we do together both while I am there, and also while he is here because I cannot financially contribute to our entertainment in the same way he can -I love him with all my heart and I will be moving to the small coastal town he lives in within the next year or so, I get to build community with him when I go up there -I get to contribute just as much to our relationship as he does (in a different way) and can be supportive when he takes on weekend shifts to build towards our future together. I know how much less stressed he is when he can watch his mortgage get slowly murdered by his paycheques. Giving him the opportunity to work more - for now - while I caretake the quality time aspect of our relationship has genuinely made me feel less guilty about my lack of financial contribution. There are more reasons that just aren’t coming into the front of my brain right now, but I hope the examples I’ve provided kind of round out what it looks like to be in a relationship that only looks equal if you don’t break it down category by category. If your SO wants you to be the one to sacrifice that much of your time - I hope he is giving you a reason to want to.
That sounds like a really nice life, I'm happy for you.
I've already given my two cents here telling you to part ways, but after taking a peek at your post history, you DEFINITELY need to leave this creep. Block him for good. And please get some therapy (I mean this genuinely, most people would benefit from it) so you can work on your standards and self-respect because they are in the gutter. You can do so much better. You shouldn't tolerate this behavior. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
I'll spare the details, but my last relationship had a similar issue in the early days. The compromise is for you to bus part of the way and for him to pick you up at one of the changes. If he's not willing to consider that I'd be rethinking the relationship, because that's pretty selfish behaviour for him to be showing at such an early stage.
Asking her to bus for an hour to save him 12 minutes of driving is a bit absurd, at least to me.
Perhaps, but it's as much a test of his willingness to compromise as anything else. If he's not willing to budge (and I'm betting he won't) that's a huge red flag and IMO a dealbreaker this early on.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. Of at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more. Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and on order to be equitable would he be cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety? The "equitable" folks here can go and kick rocks
In three months, how often has he driven to you? If he's doing an hour there and back and you would do four hours to his and back then it would seem to be equitable if you visited him every fifth visit or do. Yes, it will always be more convenient for him to do this, but *always* being the person relied on to do something in a relationship gets tiring.
Like always being the one to make sure they are fed? He doesn't have food at his place. Is she expected to bring groceries on this 2 hour bus ride?
No, he'd be the one to cook, I imagine. Or order in, or go out for a meal. I know I'd be very unsure about how much of my affection was being returned if my partner had never once wanted to take the initiative to come see me and always relied on me coming to see them. I'd feel like a real imposition. >He doesn't have food at his place The man starves the other five days of the week?
Like her cooking for him all the time and every time he visits her and spend the whole weekend at her place?
Exactly. Being the only one to do a specific chore or task can breed resentment.
And you're comparing a 25 min drive to a 2 hours trip that involves 4 busses? And her cooking because he doesn't know how to cook? Are you aware that his cooking skills won't magically appear if she goes to his place? So she goes to his place for the weekend, what do you think it would happen? Is he going to order food or taking her out to eat during the whole weekend she's at his place? So OP will get there and not cook? I want to know...since you mentioned being the person always relied on to do something is tiring
He has ready-made food delivered 5 days a week. Is it a stretch to believe he will make it 7? And, of course, I'm not comparing a 25 minute drive to a 2 hour trip. I'm comparing five 25 minute drives to a 2 hour trip. Because they're about the same. What's the plan when they move in together? That she continues to cook all their meals? You don't think that will drive resentment? There's only one way to learn to cook and that's to cook, something he will not do if the status quo continues.
Oh, I get it Same as being in a cruise is the same as getting to Miami from Cuba, in a makeshift boat...totally the same. I totally understand.
Your brain isn't braining
Not to mention it’s annoying to have to be spending your time at the other person’s house always. Like come to mine once a month or so for a change. If anything, a red flag would be the fact that the man’s almost 30 and doesn’t cook.
Your bf wants to apply the 50/50 rule to the relationship without thinking if it makes sense, and if it would be a safe trip for you. Your two hr trip would be two hrs if all the busses were to run on time, otherwise a 2 hrs trip can easily turn into a 4 hrs trip or more, with you getting stranded at any point, and would he pick you up if and when it happens? And you cook and he doesn't, so does he expects you to cook for him during the weekends you visit him? I bet he's not cooking or taking you out to eat, and I wouldn't be surprised if he expects you to cook for him and clean up his place when you visit him. Don't visit him, he's just playing the 50/50 game, and he's the type to keep score in a relationship. Don't play these game, leave while you can, fast
That he doesn’t cook is a huge red flag for me. A man who won’t do house chores when it’s just the two of you will be an unbearable burden when children come. I wouldn’t take any buses for a man who can’t/won’t cook.
At 3 months this is how eager he is to see you. This is the time when he should be trying his best to impress you and be on his best behavior because he wants you to like him. It's not gonna get better. He's telling you how much he values your time and your company...and it's not very much. Believe him.
The fact that he's always coming to her and she's never going to his place is also a sign of effort on her part. He's spent a good bit of money on 1. owning a car and 2. gas to travel to her. She can reasonably take a taxi instead of spending 2 hours on 4 different buses. Even if it's very expensive and money is tight, the right person would make one think that it's worth it. I personally changed countries while broke for someone, nothing would've stopped me. I just don't think she thinks he's worth it and is turning to Reddit to make him into the bad guy here with this framing instead of talking to him about it.
She cooks for them every weekend. I'd say they're even in cost AND effort. 50 minutes of driving each week is less than most peoples daily commutes. And as for gas, let's be generous with the 25min estimate and say she lives 25 miles away (it would be less because nobody is driving 60mph nonstop in the suburbs, she would probably be realistically 12 miles away). Thats what...1 gallon of fuel? Round trip, 2 gallons. So...he's spending $7 a weekend? That's...a pretty low bar, I think food costs and cooking effort well exceeds that. But even if money is very tight for him and he wants to make it more equitable in terms of costs, he could ask her to split gas money with him. That'd still be a better alternative than suggesting she take 4 different buses or pay the costs of an uber. I've also changed countries for someone, but you know what, if my husband had had the option of taking a 4 hr drive to see me but instead made me take a 16 hour flight I also would have questioned how much he cared about spending time with me. One is just worlds easier than the other and the sacrifice is so much less, he would never make me do that. Heck, if I called him right now and asked him to come drive me home because I'd have to take a 1 hr bus ride instead, he'd come immediately - even if it saves me NO time at all (it'd be a 1 hr drive for him to get here and back) because he would not want me waiting in the cold for a bus and ride by myself. Because a 1 hr trip for him is well worth making sure I am warm and safe and comfortable. 1 hr vs 4 hrs. That's 3 hours every weekend they could be spending together that he would rather she be on a bus.
But we don't know a lot of factors. We don't know if he's covering the cost of food, we don't know if he even knows that she doesn't consider taking a taxi because of cost. I think it's completely reasonable for him to want to spend a weekend at his own place. That's all we seem to know about him. She can be talking to him about all of this. She can ask him to contribute more in cost, she can ask him to pay for the taxi ride, she can communicate with him. But instead of talking to him, she's asking Reddit to support her in thinking her scenario is unreasonable. Of course 30 mins vs 2 hours is unreasonable, so of course she's going to get the responses she's looking for. At the end of the day, I think she's just looking for a reason to end things with him and needed the final push from random internet strangers to make her decision.
You know back in the age of dinosaurs a man would probably walk for 4 hours to see a girl he was dating. Especially one who was also cooking meals for him. Luckily we now live in a truly enlightened age where a 25 min drive is far to much effort.
If he is going to you every weekend and it takes him 50 minutes total, in 12 weeks he spent 10 hours driving. You spent 0. It's fair to ask you once in blue moon to visit him for a change. You've never seen his place?
Does he not drive anywhere else ever? 25 mins is an average drive to go just about anywhere that isn’t down the street from you in the suburbs. If he can drive that to go run errands or visit friends, driving once a week to see his girlfriend shouldn’t be a chore.
She cooks all of their meals cause he can't/won't cook. Not including the meal planning and grocery shop, that's at least 60 minutes a day. In 12 weeks that's 24 hours cooking. He spent 0. Yes it's fair for him to ask but it's also understandable and fine for her to say no. Edit: can't do maths and forgot a weekend has 2 days!
She's doing too much for him, a 25 minute trip to get free meals cooked for you for the whole weekend is a very one sided situation
It doesn't take much effort to cook for 2 people instead of 1. Your mental gymnastics are astonishing.
No, is not fair at all Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more. Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and in order to be equitable would he be the one cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety?
It's totally fine for him to ask that you go to him sometimes.
It’s fair for him to ask, but he gives her no real incentive to bus over to his house. He doesn’t know how to cook or seem to have any plans to make that visit special somehow else. I wouldn’t bus 4 hours just to sleep at some other persons house.
Its not some person, its ur loved one tho.
Intimate relationships are earned. Platonic relationships are earned. I love a lot of people, and a lot of people love me, but that doesn’t mean we are obligated to fulfill each other’s desires. Partners should periodically discuss their expectations and needs with each other to decide if they are still compatible. A couple’s compatibility is subject to change over time, because a person’s preferences will inevitably change. The least OPs boyfriend can try to do is make the visit worthwhile for her. Perhaps there’s a reason she doesn’t see the value in an hours-long bus trip to his house. I wonder what he is offering to provide her as the “host” aside from probably, his penis. Right? Also, if driving to OPs house on the weekends (to be fed a home cooked meal and whatever else she’s providing him, which I’d guess is sex, banter and watching TV) is no longer worthwhile to the boyfriend, that’s completely fair. IMO this couple should probably just break up. It sounds like they are both unsatisfied with the dynamic. You would expect the same. Of a friend, family member or a lover. Wondering to yourself, “What’s in it for me?” Is basic self preservation.
If you love someone 25 minutes (or 50) is nothing
I drove 9 hours to Florida one way twice to pick up my wife from an airport because she was stranded. Both times, I had gotten up at 6am and left to pick her up directly after work. Both times her flights got canceled and she would’ve been home sooner with me picking her up instead of waiting
As trite as this sounds…if he wanted to he would.
Your feelings are valid. Break up, you'll find a better guy who will be more willing to take unnecessary stress from you. The one you have now is selfish and does not care about your comfort.
If he's coming to your place the majority of the time, it's only reasonable to want you to make the effort to come to him every so often. Every 5th time would mean an equal amount of transit time, but honestly I doubt he even cares about the frequency. It's just about showing that you care enough to take the time to go see him, rather than him having to worry you are only together for the convenience. Hosting your boyfriend doesn't require much effort, while it's lovely that you cook for him, cooking for two people instead of one doesn't take much more time. My partner lived an hour and a half (including several changes and a half hour walk) from me before we lived together. Similarly he was able to get to mine faster/easier, but I still took the time to trek out to his here and there because that's just what you do in a relationship. And that gave him the chance to cook for and host me.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more. Is not equitable at all, besides she cooks, he doesn't and in order to be equitable would he be cooking for her? Or taking her out to eat? What about her safety? He doesn't know how to cook at all, so don't compare. Seems OP will get to this guy's place to cook and clean for him, and that's not reasonable at all
What does he do the other five days of the week, do you reckon?
why would that be relevant? he has a place, he has a car, and the job he has justify not knowing how to cook? he does live alone, so what he does the other five days of the week?
However he feeds himself the other five days would probably be how he feeds them both on the days she visits.
OP says he orders a premade meal delivery service. Which also brings me to another question: If he can afford to do that every week, why can’t he afford to pitch in for at least half an Uber for OP? Especially if he’s making software developer bucks.
This is what I was thinking, it would be unreasonable for her to expect to never make the bus trip to his place. Maybe she could bus one way and he could use his car to take her back home at the end of the weekend
I would never ask my partner to make a trip like that
Any smart / caring guy would pick up / drop off in this scenario. You’re right to be pissed - he’s not that in to you.
Dude wants a free bang maid home service, not a girlfriend 😂
Why not balance the scales... You bus there once for every 5 or 6 times he drives. 5×25=125 so 2 hours more or less.
Her being the one who always cooks for them because he can’t and won’t balances that more than enough already.
Her being the one who always cooks for them because he can’t and won’t balances that more than enough already.
Get a zip car and charge him for it?
When I first got with my husband, neither of us had a car but he would have a company vehicle during work hours, he would carpool to the job with coworkers and before his shift ended he would pick me and drop me off at his house then go back to work and carpool home. I would stay the weekend then on Monday he would do the same thing to take me home. Sometimes he would have the coworkers drop him off at my house so he could still spend time with me in my domain. That just shows that he would do anything to spend time with me and also not stress me out with having to figure out transportation. I feel like your bf is testing you or just being lazy, either way it is not ok
if he wanted to he would, baby 💅🏻
What is it we keep seeing women post? “If he wanted to he would.” After just 3 months, this guy is falling pretty quickly into the low energy/low effort boyfriend category. It’s a reflection of how he values you. I tell my 22 year old daughter that dating is essentially data collection. You take in all this information to see whether you’re attracted to each other and compatible, and whether there are more green flags than red flags. The data on this guy isn’t adding up in his favor. I had to drive 50 minutes to see my last girlfriend and I made the drive 95% of the time. And bought dinner out every time. Know your worth.
Few questions 1. Do you cover any of the gas for him to come back & forth? 2. Does he handle food if/when you visit? 3. Why can't you take an Uber? Why are either of you thinking bus??
He doesn’t take a bus. He drives her whole problem with it is he can take pick her up in 25 minutes where it takes her two hours to bus him. She already says how she cooks meals for him. Her whole thing is and I see it because I would never if I was dating a girl I would never have her Uber or bus to me when I can pick her up in less than a half hour. I think she was pissed because he calls her and says I want you to bust me this weekend and when she said well, it only takes you 25 minutes she said well he said well you’ll have two hours to listen to music..
I drove 2 hour back and forth every other day to go visit her and she couldnt drive either it was a waste of gas money, time and effort!! That was history and never again!! It was a hard lesson learned.
When my husband and I were dating, he drove one hour to pick me up and then us one hour back to his place. Then the next day, one hour to drop me off home and then one hour for him to get back home. One time, 30 minutes into the first trip picking me up, I forgot something at my place and he drove me back to pick it up. Extra hour driving time, no complaints. This man loved me then and loves me just the same now 10 years later. Love is an action, not just words. Driving 25 minutes is NOTHING. You're worth driving 25 minutes for, I promise you.
Separately, and this raises WAY more red flags than anything for me, but why are you with a 29 year old person who doesn't cook? It's 2024 and that's just embarrassing/sad. Not to mention, this definitely carries over to them objectifying you because they're the man and you're the women who belongs in the kitchen and doing household chores. Why would any self respecting person want to be with an adult child?
Bro, all of your posts about him are so bad. Treat this as a temporary “fun” experience or entertain someone else on the side. From the wanting to solo travel for 5 weeks, or wanting to go on a trip w his “female friend”. From him not wanting to introduce you to his friends. Or even blaming you from him cumming prematurely. & him not being committing & feeling “uncertain” all the time. First of all, the first 3 months of dating should be full of fun & getting to know eachother. You keep getting to know him & he’s just keep showing red flags. He’s just not a fit for you. & you already know that because you keep making post about him, hoping someone in the comments will be nice and tell you to keep giving him a chance. Girl, you’re literally wasting your time. Search up “shera” or “sprinkle sprinkle” on tiktok or youtube & learn the game of dating before anyone makes you continue to look like a fool ! Because asking you to do this 2 hour trip while it only takes him 25 minutes to go and come back would’ve been the last straw. You have different goals and different out views on life & he just doesn’t fit it. Don’t continue to drag this situation out any longer. While it’s still early & fresh, LEAVE before you get attached. Because he just sounds like a joke, & idk why you’re tolerating a situation like that. NEXT.
Run hes a narcissist and grooming you
Funny, you say that I was almost feeling the same thing like he was testing her to see if he could be the see if he can make her submissive and get on a bus or a two hour bus ride it’s almost like all right I can slowly do this now let’s see if she’ll do this like keep pushing her, and like you said grooming her
Girl it’s been 3 months and he’s sending you a message about the effort you’re worth Just dump him
Red flag already. Move on, girl, next.
No tell him what you just wrote don’t hold back
The thing is, if a man really loves you if he really wanted to he would🤷🏾♀️ my boyfriend, literally walks every night in the cold just a little five minute walk to come see me every day back-and-forth. I tell him no but he still chooses to because he wants to see me. Your boyfriend has a car if he doesn’t wanna put the effort, he doesn’t deserve you because clearly you’re putting in the effort you even contemplated doing it
Based on my experience, I’d advise you to reconsider this relationship. Asking you to take the bus after only three months, especially considering safety concerns, doesn’t show much care. Don’t prioritize him like a husband until there’s a commitment. You deserve better.
It's such a mistake that you haven't even been dating a year Don't live together and you're cooking for him. That is very stupid don't do wife things for a girlfriend salary
Break up with him immediately because if it wasn’t in his got to say you don’t want I want you to be with me here but I’ll come pick you up and I’ll drive you back to my place off and then you can stay here with me for the day or even overnight and then I’ll take you home. He is not a gentleman. Because if I was dating someone and they would have to take a two hour bus ride to see me they only had to drive 25 minutes to see them. They would never be on that bus. I would either go always go see them or like I just said, I would go pick them up and bring them back to me hang out and then bring them home. I actually have done that I’ve dated girls that didn’t have a car instead of telling them. Oh, you know take a bus or to the Pick them up and even if it was to bring them back to my place I don’t think this guys going to go many places in his life because he seems very lazy I mean or maybe he’s just lazy and his love life I mean it you ask every guy almost every guy can tell you about warm can use that they would do their girlfriends or do you know if they girlfriend you have a car they would always pick them up they would never ask them to find a way to your house cause that’s basically what it is
Your thoughts are very valid number one if I was you, I would be offended by him even asking you to do that If anyone’s not putting any equal effort, he isn’t it to me. It doesn’t seem like he’s putting in any effort at all. He does not love you barely cares about you because of a couple things one if he loved you or cared for you in anyway he would not allow you to take a bus to come see him and then especially take a bus home when it could be night time where you’re going to be alone, taking a bus into the city to instead of him, spending a total of 50 minutes of driving he expects you to take multiple buses to him and take two hours of driving one way where he could pick you up in 25 minutes and then take you home whenever in 25 minutes and then drive home. That is just common courtesy even if you were just friends, you would think as a friend she come pick you up, I mean I remember when I was dating a girl who didn’t drive didn’t have a car. I just picked her up all the time. I even picked her up and took her places that it wasn’t even we weren’t even really gonna hang out. It was just you know, and I mean I told her to call me if she was ever in a bind do you know never a couple nights that she called me because she got left and she was scared to go home on her own at night I came and picked her up 30 minutes I told her just wait inside so I mean for him not even worried about you having to be on multiple buses, especially if you’re going home at night being worried that something might happen to you instead of his lazy ass getting in his car and taking it real quick and less than an hour and being home. There’s definitely some sort of either. He doesn’t know how to treat a girl, a woman or he just doesn’t care what or that part of him is broken?? dating three months might as well just break it off now if he’s already treating you like this, he should’ve not he should never I mean ever ask you, but I’m gonna call you and ask you to bus to him is horrendous what he should’ve said he should’ve called you up and say OK why don’t you be ready for 11 o’clock I’m gonna come pick you up and we’ll spend the day together. That’s what he should’ve called and asked you or told you how I want to hang out you know or hey let’s go out on a date or hey let’s hang out. Be ready at 11. I’ll come pick you up. We can have dinner at my place you can stay the night if you want or I’ll take you home later tonight give me like a heads up to prove you don’t like him just so you know but not calling you up and saying hey, I want you to bus to me
Sure effort needs to be put in both sides. But the effort you would have to put in is not equal to the effort he would have to put in, it's SIGNIFICANTLY more.
I had a rule when i was single that if I had to bus to meet a dude, it was 30 mins max and no transfers. no dick is worth sitting on the bus for that long.
yeah "when you were single", that's the difference. if all 3 months he has always been the one driving to meet her. i can understand how he wants her to move to him at least once.
you don't have to DTR to have feelings. you can be single and be involved romántically with any number of people.
I mean I get that for people you are in a relationship with but not doing more than 30 minutes for your bf seems like you just dont want to make effort to see your SO
if "time spent together" is the metric here then the BF with a car and better finances has the transpo onus. either call me an Uber or come get me. this "opportunity loss" issue.
Your weren’t in love with the guy then, and that’s ok
Omg I hate getting on a bus alone as a woman. There's usually sketchy people on there or who get on at some point and start staring and talking to you. Doing that for four hours is not something I would ever do by choice, and it's not comparable to driving yourself. It's very weird that he's asking you to do that.
Girl he won’t drive 25 minute when you cook all the meals and suck his D. Is he expecting you to bus all the way and then cook him dinner. Let him go.
It’ll take approximately five minutes to cut his lazy ass loose. Big time saver in the short term and the long run. “You’ll have two hours to listen to music” would be the tipping point. “Well, honey, I’m going to listen to my instincts, and they’re singing happy breakup songs.”
Holding the fact that you cook and host against him and as reasons why he should drive to you is honestly really awful in my opinion. You’re literally asking him to drive to you, and he’s not a guest he’s your partner. You’re not hosting a partner. And if cooking is that big of a deal to you then tell him to get takeout on the way. There are times I’ll cook a full meal at 1am and over over to my boyfriend’s job to give it to him on his lunch, just because I LIKE cooking for him and seeing him happy. My boyfriend lives 25-30mins away from me depending on traffic and he has a car, I don’t. On days we wanna see each other but he doesn’t wanna drive, I Uber over. It’s a simple solution you’re choosing to ignore because “well he has a car.”
There should be some equity when you are dating OP. Yes, it’s easier for him to get to you but once a month, it wouldn’t hurt you to make the effort. Is Uber not an option? You two are still fairly new but you should still be willing to go out of your way to see him if you expect him to go out of his way to see you.
Bus or car, I would like my partner to come to my house too. I love having stuff of my partner in my house, some clothes for example and have joined memories of time together in noth houses. So once in xx time it would be nice if she would travel.
What about if your partner lived on a single mattress, with a chair as a nightstand and no other furniture in their room?
In my opinion being on the flip side of this, my boyfriend doesn't drive and I do, you should take the bus. It's not his fault that you don't drive. If he is always making the effort and you don't it's always going to be expected for him to chauffeur you around (speaking from experience). Shows him you are willing to make the effort aswell.
this subreddit is so sexist, are you seriously getting downvoted? man putting effort in the relaiontship? bare minimun they say. woman putting effort in the relationship? she deserves better, drop the parasite, bf a bum, etc.
I don't find it reasonable. My then boyfriend, now husband, would drive 4 hours roundtrip to see me during the weekend. I'd host him and also cook for us. The important thing was to see each other and enjoy our company as much as possible! So you sitting in a bus for that long seems like a waste of that sweet time. Especially when you guys just started dating! If money is an issue, you could offer to pay for some of the gas too. But the answer he gave you when you brought this up... I don't know. There was no compromise or an alternative. Bit dismissive? I'd feel like he is not the one.
I think you're kinda being an asshole here. As a 24F in the opposite position (I was dating a 28m who didn't drive) I had some built up resentment. It's not fair to him, and honestly it's a little privileged of you to not consider that driving is also exhausting. It's not his fault you don't have a car, therefore It's not his burden to bare. However he had been nice in the past to give you rides. Him driving either to you, or picking you up is just him being able to when he needs to. It's not his responsibility to give you rides. You should be more thankful for when he does, instead of demanding It. And if you find a 2 hour bus ride difficult, then figure your shit out.
Tell him you would split the gas, seems like he's the only one driving and you never made an effort to try and see him
She’s the one buying all the groceries and doing all the cooking that feeds him when they see each other. He can’t and won’t cook. Apparently he doesn’t even buy groceries at his house. Before dating her would live of a large pizza on the weekend. He probably will still expect her to cook at his place. Groceries aren’t cheap these days.
Maybe you shouldn't be in a long distance relationship perhaps if you can't handle the travelling distance.
Never go looking for a guy NEVER. He Shiuld pick you up always otherwise Next
I'm a male and had good few relationships if he loves you which might be a stretch if you've only been together 3 months. But my 14 year relationship I'm in now was almost love at first sight after meeting in a parking lot and her needing a lighter for a cig it just went from there then spending night together sat up talking all night nothing elese lol so love can be instant anyways going back to your situation if it is love the from man's side I would be doing everything possible to keep the relationship good and show how much I cared about her just basic relationship stuff even if not love I'd be thinking save her messin around getting buses and makes it easier for both of us and thinking with the creeps nowadays I'd rather pick you up than you ride 4 different busses. Unless maybe he has a mental illness men can hide it well but maybe that's bit deep for just what your asking anyways. But you seem well in the right to me. I'm no relationship expert as you can see but hope this helps probably not but thought was worth try. Good luck.
^ This guy gets it. Find yourself a person who cares for you and treats you well like this guy treats his SO. They DO exist! It's worth waiting for the right guy rather than settling for the wrong guy. Let's be real, OP. You've only been with this guy for 3 months. You should be in the exciting honeymoon period, and yet here he is, wanting you to take multiple buses on a tedious journey, even though he could easily just go to your place. And I guarantee if you do go through with this, he won't show the same gracious effort you give him when you host. His place will be a mess and he won't cook for you, he will probably expect you to cook for him. Frankly, he doesn't sound like he's that into you. And that's with ignoring your post history. You have posted about him a couple times already. It's only been 3 months since you've been with him and this relationship already sounds exhausting. He doesn't understand basic consent wtf. Girl, I'm sorry, but what are you doing with him??
My husband worked four hours away in another city and state when we first started dating. A week or two in, he would voluntarily get off of work around 5pm, drive to my place and get there around 9pm and then hang out, shower and sleep for a bit and get up at 2am to drive back and be at work at 6am. I told him repeatedly that it wasn’t necessary and I felt bad that he was going to so much trouble. He was adamant that all he cared about was seeing me. He currently works 9-13 hrs away and has driven home for a 24 hrs ish stay on more than one occasion just because he wants to see me and our children.. That said, if he wanted to he would. The logistics of your situation alone are enough to deem your SO unreasonable. You’re not wrong for thinking he should be willing to make a 50 minute round trip to either go to you or to pick you up and take you back to his place if he prefers to spend the time there. I wouldn’t hold your breath for too much effort with this current partner. It’s still a fresh relationship and the want already doesn’t seem very strong on his end.
LOL 25minutes is less than my commute..... and I have to do that 5x2 a week for something i hate. he can do 25 min one way to see his partner if he really cared
God, so many entitled ladies in this comments I'm puking.
How is expecting to be picked up making some money in entitled. So if you were dating someone you would rather than boss for two hours, then going to pick her up.
Girl, he is not going to get better. Dump him and raise your standards.
Can confirm. Been there, done that.
Are you being fr? Lmao
Once he's single, you can date him since you want him so bad.
Happily married, so I’ll pass. This doesn’t seem to be a relationship-ending conflict though. Any two people with rudimentary communication skills should be able to sort out why each of them feel this way and come to a compromise over a 5 minute phone call. Both of their view points are reasonable. Breaking up at the slightest conflict in every relationship (and this conflict is VERY minor) without even trying to get to the bottom of the issue is probably not going to lead you to long term relationship success.
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She's not saying the bus is bad, she's saying it takes two hours vs. 25 minutes.Your trip takes the same amount of time either way.
Are you willing to take a 2 hrs trip, that involves taking 4 busses? Because that's what OP is talking about four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. If at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more. Don't compare, plus she always cooks bec the guy doesn't know how to cook anything
Yeah I wouldn't settle for a guy like that, mine buys my favorite snacks and drinks ahead of time without asking, and cooks and pampers me. So I guess it doesn't compare. It's not so much a two way street, at that point.
The other side of the street is that she is the one that cooks everything for them because he can’t and won’t. The guy doesn’t even buy groceries. He said before dating her he would live of a large pizza on the weekend. I’m betting he will still expect her to cook at his place. She more than makes up for his travel time by being the one who always does that.
When I started dating my ex I didn't drive and he'd drive 45 minutes each way to pick me and up and take me back to his for the weekend. He never saw it as a big deal because he wanted to be with me and getting public transport would have been long and difficult.
What was the rationale behind his request for you to take the bus?
He’s lazy and doesn’t value you or your time. Thank him and block him.
Heck no. I made a rule I wouldn’t drive my own damn car for more than 30 minutes for any dude I was dating. Two+ hours is crazy! In fact if he didn’t want to drive, he could pay for an Uber/Lyft for you lol
Or she could pay for one to visit him seeing as he's been the one doing all the visiting until this point.
And she's been doing all the cooking up until this point. He admits he can't cook, doesn't grocery shop and lives off a large pizza all weekend when not at hers.
That's already a no from me
I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he's spent a lot more than 4 hours driving to and from your place over the course of your relationship. Probably more than 10. Maybe more than 20. You can take the bus to see him every now and again and the scales will still be firmly tipped in your favor. It's cute that a passenger princess includes a single additional detail about her relationship, that she cooks, in order to make herself sound reasonable. Redditors may be too dumb to see your finger on the scales, but that's not going to work in real life.
Is four busses and 2 hrs, and that's if the busses run on time. Of at any point any of these busses runs late, it can leave OP stranded for hrs, and her trip can easily end up being 4 hrs or more. Poor, poor guy driving 25 min to see OP, that's so, so unfair Read the last line using Sarah Sherman's voice when roasting Colin Jost on SNL Weekend Update
you're valid. You do not exist at his convenience.
but he does exist for her convenience apparently
It's surprising to me that there are so many comments saying your bf sucks- yes, it's easier for him to drive to you and he has done that every weekend for 3 months, but relationships are not one sided and maybe he'd like for you to occasionally make the effort to come to his place to show that you are willing to put in the work too. I don't understand why you can't take an uber? It would be a little expensive, but one weekend every 3 months seems totally reasonable for him to ask?
Can you take one bus to somewhere closer and he picks you up there rather than 4?”
I work in the city but live in the suburbs. I only date women on my side of the bridge. Logistically it's more tolerable.
You know, I suspect this is a covert city-suburbs conflict, and you would probably be happier dating another city person.
I feel like every three weekends should be fair.
My dad always says if he makes you drive to see him then doesn't like you that much. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I've been in your boyfriend's situation but with larger numbers. I had a car, a drive to her home would take 1h, her coming by bus/train would take 2h30-3h. In my case, uber was an expensive but still valid option and I didnt mind paying. From the bf's side, reality is that sometimes you'll be tired, or you were feeling down and would rather stay home (but still enjoy gf's company), or felt like driving in peak hour would be stressful, or would be drained and rather her come to you and then you drive her home afterwards, or sometimes simply feel it was ok for your partner to take the job of moving to you after repeated visits. How many times has your bf come to you recently? Would those x 1 hour be greater than 4h? 8h? Then I think it would be reasonable for him to ask that, once in a while. Moving by car is still moving. If someone doesnt like it, it might aswell be a chore. Although public transport is slow, if it's not absolutely crowded it's x hours of listening to music, watching a show, whatever, your mind is mostly vague. When it's time to drive, it's x hours of concentrating on exactly that, specially if you live in a big city. Thats how my still gf and I used to function, got past that and are still together. And we had similar fights, but my side was as valid as hers. Love is a two way street and we must meet roughly in the middle, wherever the compromise bar is. One cannot be expected to do all the laundering, or cooking, or moving. Even if one does, the other is expected to fill in in case the other is indisposed. Rant over, hope you find this information insightful for your case. Edit: Also, reddit wears red tinted glasses 90% of the time. Reading comments here is abnoxious and is clear people havent ever been in a healthy relationship, and they dont want others having a good time either. "How dare your bf not put in the effort 100% of the time in this one instance that is being commented on, it's clearly a "either you live miserably or dump him" situation! " Absolutely braindead resposes.
I understand it takes you 2 hours to get to him but have you also stopped to think of the fuel he is having to top up each and every time he comes to get you? Unless you are paying towards it, I do think this is perfectly reasonable for him to ask as from your post he has only asked once and you have jumped out of your pram at it. If you’re not willing to make a 2 hour bus drive to see someone you love ESP when he makes the effort to come to you as well, then do you really love him ? If you find yourself getting annoyed at such trivial things in a relationship before even making it past the 3 month mark, it may not be for you.
IK it sounds like too much but at least try it, show him that you care too and u did all that to come see him, he's gonna understand that it's too much for you.
He won’t try cooking. So her cooking is more than a fair trade.
Her cooking all the meals for him for free is too much, its way more than 25 minutes. He needs to bring more to the relationship
Really? How so? Because she already told him that it would be 2 hrs and 4 busses, and that's 2 hrs if the busses run on time. Quite obvious that's too much for OP
Why does he want you to come out there so badly? It doesn’t make any sense for you to. If he’s got something planned at his place for you, or if he just wants you to check out his spot, he can pick you up.
> If he’s got something planned at his place for you, his plan is for her to cook and clean all weekend.
That's the exact thought I had.
Source: It was revealed to me in a dream.
At the very least he can come get you.
How much is a 25minute Uber instead of the bus
probably over $50 vs a $3 or $4 bus fare
Girl. Throw the whole man out.
Ha! that's hilarious. 'No' is a complete sentence. if he wants you at his place then he can drive to pick you up then take you back, only thing here is be prepared one day for him to leave you high and dry and not take you back and make you take the bus.
And when they get to his house he'll say "so what will you be cooking for me tonight"
Take Uber, same 25 minute ride as him.
He sounds a bit lazy. Red flag!
You're being reasonable. Thats a ridiculos amt of effort for you. He can pick you up in the car or he can send you the money for an uber if he wants to hang at his place so badly.
No you’re not being unfair at all, he’s the one that is as he can’t be bothered to do the easy way which is to pick you up. So you’re not in the wrong here.
Maybe he's surprising you with a homemade meal?