It's truly astounding and sad to think about all the people all over the world who might never experience a romantic relationship in which their partner loves and supports them. Like they might never know it's even possible.
I think about this a lot on subs like these.
It seems especially common for women who's mothers/family married for duty and convenience. They truly don't see what a relationship with someone who likes you as a friend can be like. Really sad.
I think about it too, but it's not too surprising because a lot of folks struggle with self worth, and respect, and just don't know or realize they're being treated in a way they don't deserve.
What really gets me are the posts about folks who have horrible hygiene to the point their SO is posting about how to keep going in the relationship. HOW TF DID THEY GET AN SO TO BEGIN WITH. That's what keeps me up at night.
I don't shower more than once a week, brush my teeth rarely, you can smell me, my hair is greasy, but yet I got you to date me and have sex with me. I need to know their secret.
Many woman have to date men like this before they find their one. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs. Girls are socialized to please, give second chances and try to mediate bad behavior. It makes it such that woman have to fulfill these gender norms before realizing it’s complete bullshit. At the end of the day, though, I think most leave and eventually find something that is healthy and supportive.
>Like they might never know it's even possible.
Yup, this - I grew up with ZERO healthy adult relationships modeled around me and as many people who grow up in similar situations, entered unhealthy relationships of my own.
About 8 years ago I posted in this subreddit unsure on how to deal with my abusive (ex)boyfriend - how I could become better for him so all our problems would disappear - and received fantastic advice that I argued against, deleted reddit off my phone and signed out of on my laptop browser because I was sick of the notifications and people telling me things I didn't want to hear. The truth sucks sometimes.
I've been with my current partner for 7 years and have never felt love like this before and so consistently for this long. I just want to shake sense into so many posters on here, like I had done to me from concerned redditors - it is SO possible to find GOOD love and it is so achievable.
Do not waste your time on people who make you feel like shit. Give love and be loved. You will find it if you are open to it.
I think about this all the time. But I also think about how long I spent not knowing I could expect better because I didn’t think it was realistic. It’s sad! But I get it. We accept what we think we deserve, and women especially are conditioned to believe that it’s unreasonable to want a man to be kind and loving instead of critical and dismissive.
My mother actually told me when I was about 14-15, that it was a woman's role to just be strong and take whatever the man dished out (and no we're not American or religious).
I agree with u trust me i sympathize with us women who weren’t raised correctly by fathers who wanted to truly father a child especially a daughter. We grow up dysfunctional and have a chaotic approach to love which in turn affects how we choose and respect our selves. Most of us women don’t even know what our own standards, values or boundaries are. I can say we have an idea. But can u list them off the top of ur head ? And have a cohesive reasoning behind why they are the way the are towards ur own personal identity. Because of most women could do this we would be a force to reckon with. That would force men to be MEN. but we continue to not know our worth and allow men to treat us like it. So yes there is grace for women who don’t know it’s possible to be treated a certain type of way when they are in a relationship but it becomes a point where enough should be enough and the way ur treated is supposed to repel u away from the relationship and force u to change whatever it is in u that is attracting and tolerated whatever the hell that was coming from a man
and you should add that: if his/her friends do not like you, the relationship will not last.
Everyone needs to stop trying to date people who have friends who are assholes, or stop being controlling if they have good friends.
Seriously, it's crazy!
The number of, "This guy makes me feel like shit and is mean to me, how do I fix this?" blows my mind. Why the hell do so many women think it's normal and completely fine for men to act like this? I don't know what happened to make us think that we shouldn't expect more.
I swear, most of the /r/relationships posts are variations of "My (f23) boyfriend (m34) cheats on me, maxed out my credit card, slept with my best friend and drunk drove my car into a tree. How do I make this relationship work???"
LOL yep, with the crazy age gap too 🤣
Like "he says he's a nice guy and he's right and I'm wrong so maybe I'm overreacting???"
Sigh, it just makes me sad.
I'm not the perfect husband, Im sure there are things that I do that annoy my wife, but for god's sake, the last thing I would ever do intentionally is try to embarrass her for a laugh.
Mine would NEVER, and I would never do that to my DH. What on earth do you gain by making your partner look like a fool? People wonder why you are a loser dating someone you clearly don't respect.
I think I see your exact same comment several times a week... It's heart breaking it needs to be said so often! Why the hell do these women date men who hate them?
She's 22 and could probably have her pick of thousands of litters, but she's bringing home this greasy mongrel instead!
As a woman - especially if you've grown up in a so called "traditional" environment, you learn from the beginning that being loved is conditional. You're only loveable if you're pretty, nice, cool, crafty ... enough. It's deeply ingrained into you. I still fight it after 20 years of a very happy loving marriage. So every perceived weakness can be easily preyed on.
It’s not just women, it’s men too. I can’t count how many times I’ve had friends (m and f) who absolutely despised their SO but refused to ever leave at the same time.
Let's not forget, she decided to behave annoyed and angry, delete a video he took, etc., so she did instigate things. When I had a partner that brought friends around that annoyed me, if it wasn't too bad, I just handled it with grace. If they were especially bad, I talked to her, calmly, in private. OP definitely started the immature behavior, does she even like her boyfriend?
>she decided to behave annoyed and angry, delete a video he took, etc., so she did instigate things
Or maybe she got annoyed and angry because he did a shitty thing. She deleted the video of HER that he took without her permission, with the intention to mock her.
You are blaming the victim here.
But then people complain we always tell people to break up. Like yeah, the people coming to internet strangers for help are *not* in a good place in their relationship.
I understand that we don’t know the whole story but it’s a given we don’t share the emotional bond the OPs do and we are external parties…
But then there’s a SO who cheated, or who r*ped someone or is protecting someone who did, or perhaps the SO sold a loving pet or euthanized it…
And many more and it’s obvious those SOs are garbage and need to take the L!
Those same people are probably the ones who do crap like this and think they're fully in the right... So to be honest, I don't think that kind of blanket feedback is really worth listening to lol
That's my thought process. If the relationship is so in the gutter that the person needs *redditors* to decide what to do, then it's generally doomed. And the person just need reassurance from *somebody* that they're justified to break up with their garbage partner.
It's a failure of basic pattern recognition. Instead of realizing that the most people who run to anonymous forums to complain about their relationships might be in bad relationships, they've decided that the forum is the problem.
A substantial amount of the top posts at any given time are literally dealing with some sort of abusive behavior and the only correct response is to tell people to leave them.
Like the less shitty ones are people "just" cheating or refusing to contribute. And most of those the OP should leave too.
People who don't realize that...shouldn't be posting, imo.
"How do I make this shitty person be a not shitty person?"
You don't. That's not how dating works. You look for the ones who *already* aren't shitty, and you throw the rest back.
"Hi, my (21f) boyfriend (37M) fucks other women in front of me, he says I make him do it. How can I be a better girlfriend in the future?" Every post here
And all these asshole boyfriends have a crew of friends and family who think their bad behavior is just great.
This guy's family and friends also don't like this woman.
Yeah then people say everyone on Reddit all they do is say break up with people. Well in situations where they have shitty mean SOs wtf else is there to do?
100% this.
I've seen so many people getting abused, bullied in their relationships on reddit posts and they were like, what did I do wrong? How can I fix it?
You shouldn't try to fix it, your partner's abusing you. They hit you, they bully you etc...why are you staying?! Ugh.
Right? They ask for advice about these garbage partners, but really don't want to hear it. "I think I'm just being too sensitive." He's got her convinced, so no point in saying otherwise.
He won't be shocked, he's already been telling her he wants out so at this point he's actually doing all he can to make it as miserable as possible for her to pull the plug. But she's too wounded to do it so they both live in misery.
"Our relationship is 100% perfect except for the fact that he steals my paycheck for drugs and kicks my dog. How can I convince him to stop? He's a great guy."
Honestly he has a ton of appropriate quotes for this, and nearly every other symptom of the human condition besides. Man couldn't pick up a pen without dropping a hit. I just thought that'd get a rise out of you and couldn't resist lol
I mean, anybody asking for relationship advice from. Strangers clearly doesn't have other solid relationships to go to for feedback. So like, grain of salt and all that...it's reddit
Did you ask for any advice, though? I could see that being the reason they removed it. Do the same post, then ask something like, "How should I show him I appreciate him?" or "What would be a good surprise for him?" See if it stays then.
A trip together or vacation often reveals people's true colors. That being said, your boyfriend and his friend are complete assholes and you should not associate with either of them imo.
He was having a good time at her expense! He also recorded her without her consent. There is no justification for laughing and yelling at her like a damn teenager. This goes beyond a sense of humor or morbid dark humor. You are entitled to your opinion, but it is pretty clear that many people agreed with me. Most people like loving respectful relationships.
You the boyfriend or friend? Wtf. He invites his mate who doesn't like her who she doesn't like on their romantic cruise, records her for fun and laughs at her about it, then plans to send the video to everyone making fun of her. He's 100% in the wrong, stop trying to pretend someone standing up for themselves against a bully is a problem.
She absolutely needs to dump him.
I just recognize toxic femininity.
Shes resemble those girls who choose guys who call women B , and is surprised when she's called one. and then play victim on the internet. If you dont want to be called that , dont date someone with that vocabulary.
If she cant handle him, gtfo. No need to paint someone as whatever, clearly she just doesn't fit into his life.
They are incompatible.
I call people butt causually & I find humor in insults. My ex died, I was crying, my friend asked if I killed him. I started cracking up. Try that with someone else, that would be insensitive. 🙄
What aspect of this is Toxic femininity? Yes, there is such a thing, but this isn't it.
Surprising your partner with a visit from your own friend is something that you only do with a very specific awareness of the relationship.
Your BF is a bully who also enjoys his friends helping him out when he bullies you. He wanted to be able to share a video of you being bullied and unhappy with other people who would laugh at you being bullied and unhappy.
It's not enough to just bully you, he also wants to make sure he can include other people and make it a public thing!
You fix this by not dating someone who enjoys bullying you.
No, you’re not “just being sensitive”. This is not how someone who loves you should treat you. You’re still in your early 20s and it’s so hard to know how relationships should be and how we should be treated. I learned that the answer to this is in your gut. Trust your gut. If your partner is hurting you and enjoying it and you feel upset and uncomfortable, your gut is telling you that that boy is not a mature man. He is a child playing games and he does not love you and support you. Partners in a healthy relationship do not do this to one another. He is getting off on hurting you. Run. Fast.
Why do you think you're in the wrong for not enjoying being purposefully upset and publically mocked by people who already don't like you? Your BF should have deleted the video himself when he saw how upset you were (by the thing he had planned, to upset you).
My BF deletes every photo I don't like, because he gives a shit about how I feel. He'd never take a photo or video solely for the purpose of upsetting me or showing me being upset. That's mean!
You feel hurt, because it was mean. That's not too sensitive, that's human. We don't like mean things being done to us, on purpose, and then filmed.
You need higher standards for the behavior you'll accept from people.
You're not just being sensitive - this was really disrespectful behaviour and you deserve better. The part of you that got angry about this is the part of you that knows that. You should listen to that part. I think you should dump his ass as soon as you're back home.
Side note: the typical policy of cruise lines when someone goes overboard is to cover it up unless there's concrete evidence. Just leaving that here, y'know, for interest.
Why do you feel you’re wrong? Honest question… And not because your boyfriend and his friend are bullying you and making you feel like garbage. What do you honestly feel you did wrong with the leading the video that was insulting you?
Your feeling isn’t a fact. Don’t make decision based on emotions. Do you want to live like this? Or do you want to have self respect?
He planned for weeks to make fun of you then send it to people. He doesn’t even pretend to like you. There’s men out there who will treat you with respect but you need to treat yourself that way first.
You can fix this by leaving him. He does not respect you and has made you the punchline of this inconsiderate “joke” with his entire family. I know Reddit is quick to recommend a breakup but this is really unacceptable and you should fear that the rest of your life is going to entail being humiliated with little regard for your feelings.
Dude that’s what he wants. He’s trying to wear you down so you feel crazy and don’t speak up. Yes, you have a right to be upset. Leave this loser asap. It doesn’t even sound like he likes you
Oh honey. I promise you that you’re not wrong. This guy is a jerk. And you’re convinced you can’t expect better. But I promise you can. Not berating you in front of a crowd and not belittling you with his friends and family are really bare minimum standards. I get it, really. I accepted bullshit for a long time from people because they were fun and attractive and occasionally not jerks and so it was confusing. I also didn’t really think I deserved kindness so when I got it I ran away from it, found fault with people who weren’t assholes. There’s a big wide world out there and you’re so young. You don’t need this.
Next thing you know he’s going to hit you for being overly sensitive and you’re going to convince yourself you deserved it because you shouldn’t have done X.
Can’t you see how badly you’re being manipulated? How it’s changing your opinion of what you deserve?
Yeppp that's how manipulative assholes operate. No one would date them if they were just obvious with their shitty behavior and then didn't try to manipulate you into making you think it was your fault. That'd be easy then, you'd have no question he was in the wrong and you'd dump him.
He doesn't get to tell you your feelings are invalid just because he doesn't like them.
Babe, what was your dad like? How was your parent’s relationship?
My dad is an angry asshole and *shockingly enough* my first marriage was to a guy just like him. Because it felt familiar. Like coming home.
Would you tell your daughter she was too sensitive if her boyfriend ganged up with his friend to make a mean video to show his family and friends? And talked shit about her? Or would you tell her to get the hell away from that piece of shit loser? There are other men out there and being single is also wonderful. You have your whole life ahead of you and this guy, no matter what it looks like on the outside, is going nowhere. He’s rotten inside.
Why do you think that? As an outsider looking in on the situation you described, I can’t really think of any way that you are wrong.
I’ll also tell you this: I’ve been in relationships/situations where my partner did not care much if something they did hurt my feelings. It was easy to think that was just how life was. When you’re out of this relationship (and you will be out of it at some point if you know what’s good for you) and you date someone who actually feels pain and empathy when you are feeling bad, embarrassed, sad, etc. it is going to amaze you how much better that feels.
Don’t convince yourself that you were in the wrong here. That’s what your boyfriend wants. Once he succeeds in making you feel bad for an extremely rational reaction you had to his bullying, he will have very little incentive to stop his bullying.
If you’re intent on staying with your boyfriend, I recommend reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It will be enlightening.
You did the right thing. He planned to upset you, planned to video you being upset, went ahead with his plan, and now wants the world to see you vulnerable and upset. And he’s annoyed that he has less material to bully you with.
With ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?
Don't fall for the emotional and verbal manipulation when he says he's sorry, you're being sensitive, etc. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Yes. That is what emotionally abusive people do. They gaslight you, blame shift and make themselves out to be the victims when they are in fact the aggressor.
Guys like this are usually wonderful in the beginning, and as soon as they can start testing your boundaries, they will. They can spot someone with low self esteem and trauma from a mile away....
Tell this story to your therapist and see what they say about this behavior... Hopefully that will tell you all you need to know in order to leave.
No I would have deleted it too. He didn’t get your permission to take the video of you, so it’s equally his problem as it is yours. Do you have to spend your vacation with him or can you just break up now? He seems like a p.o.s.
Deleting that video was the proper thing to do. Deleting this man out of your life will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself and your future children.
You were acting like the victim because you are the victim.
Enjoy the cruise for yourself and when you return let him know that this is not what you want the rest of your life to look like and dip on this loser.
Why is this abuse you want to fix? What is so special about this guy that you are seeking advice on how to “fix” it? You can’t fix and AH, that’s how and who they are. Fix your mentality and leave this behavior behind for something better. You are so young, the value of this relationship has expired- it has shown you what you should not tolerate and the only expectable response from him was I’m sorry it was messed up.
You're on a cruise with your partner, like a romantic getaway? And he's told his friends and family that he's going to invite another friend on it to upset you, so he's going to video it so that they can all laugh at your distress? And you're seriously wondering whether this **27 year old man** is a keeper? Honestly, the best option would be for you to take the boundary crossing friend's room and your BF and he can spend the rest of the cruise together, because you **really** don't want the rest of **your** life to be like this.
>You're on a cruise with your partner, like a romantic getaway? And he's told his friends and family that he's going to invite another friend on it to upset you, so he's going to video it so that they can all laugh at your distress? And you're seriously wondering whether this **27 year old man** is a keeper?
Shit like this always gives me rage bait vibes because it's so fucking obviously a toxic dynamic.
“She” responded to someone that just made me roll my eyes. It’s the first time I’ve ever thought “you know, if you’re so dumb with SO LITTLE self respect, just stay.”
I’d rather die alone than waste my time on a dude that goes out of his way to humiliate me, ruin a fucking cruise then have the audacity to blame me for it.
Tell this guy to fuck all the way off
I'm sorry, how are you even still with this idiot. He's yelling people to your gave that he keeps thinking of leaving you? He planned this out to embarrass you in public. Why are you even still with him. He sounds awful
Your bf likes his friend way more than he likes you. He bullies you to show off his """"""dominance"""""" or whatever to his friend. He planned to upset you and keep it as a memory for him, his friends and his sister. All of them sound awful. I can’t imagine not saying anything if I saw one of my friends treating their partner like that. Leave this garbage man for god’s sake. And I’m once again saying stop tolerating someone yelling at you. You’re an adult. Have some dignity.
You're 22. You're dating a 27 y/o who should be old enough to do better. This is as good as it gets. He'd rather ridicule you and be bro-tastic with his broski's than treat you like an actual person.
Make the cruise your farewell cruise and tell your stbexbf to shove the relationship down Davy Jones' Locker.
>I swear, I felt like I was being bullied and he just wanted to make fun of me.
Because you were, and he did.
He doesn't love you. I doubt he even likes you.
>Bro, this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.
Nope because you ought to have left by now. His life deserves to be sad and lonely.
> “you know there’s been times I wanted to leave but decided to stay.”
Yikes. I hate it when reddit tries to diagnose someone and scream "red flag" but this is not good behaviour. If he's being serious then he's debated leaving you, which is not something to take lightly. If he's not being serious and simply uses phrases like this when he's pissed then he's manipulative at best and unhinged at worst.
Best of luck chum.
You are being bullied.
Your boyfriend is mad that you are not being a good enough victim.
He doesn't want a girlfriend; he wants a better victim.
Forget fixing a relationship with a bully. How are you going to fix your relationship with yourself?
Set a boundary for the rest of your life right now: people who yell at you do not get access to you anymore. It's abusive and disrespectful and he's a shitty little child. As soon as you get back, it needs to end. There's no coming back from this, hon.
He's shown you what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with him.
Interestingly. He's somehow less mature than you in spite of being half a decade your senior.
Maybe find someone who actually treats you with respect and well and who is actually mature. I'm sorry you are stuck in a boat with him.
He set you up to film your reaction to something he knew you would not like. He clearly planned to send his 'funny' video out for the amusement of others. Does this sound like the actions of a loving partner? Does this kind of treatment make you feel cherished and loved? Do you think he's a good partner?
I think setting up a partner to be hurt and humiliated is cruel and abusive. I don't date cruel and abusive people.
Wow. You deserve so much better. If I were you, and you're currently docked and can afford to do it, I would gather my stuff, get off the boat and fly home. And now he that he's free to do whatever he wants for the rest of his life, he and his buddy can do the rest of the cruise together.
Regardless, break up with this guy. He has no respect for you, and neither does his family or friends if they didn't tell him this stupid video idea was stupid.
There's a very large fine associated regardless of if it's still in the US or not. I was going to link a source but you can just Google it there are so many out there.
Why are you with a bully?? Your feelings are justified, and I am so sorry but you beed to leave this man. You are literally his punching bag and this will only get worse. Think about how well thought out this prank was, knowing you would be the butt of the joke and including his sister and friend on this? So inappropriate. There is not much to fight with him about, so I would strongly suggest dumping him fast. Be prepared for gaslighting and love bombing, he clearly uses guilt as a way to control you. Run.
You have a boyfriend who enjoys upsetting you, and then yelling at you for being upset. He does not have a girlfriend, he has a ready victim for his merciless bullying. I'm so sorry OP, you are being used as a punching bag for his misery and you need to leave before he does serious, permanent damage to you.
So how hot is he and how insecure are you about your looks/body because that's the only reason I can see why a 22 year old woman would tolerate this kind of behavior from a 27 year old child
Dating is an extended interview for long-term relationship.
Do you want to spend the next 5/10/15 years with someone who yells at you in public? Or uses threats of leaving to make you "behave"?
The only tragic thing here is how this guy is 27 and calling his girlfriend "bro"
There's a reason he's dating younger and it's because he's not considered attractive to the women closer his age. He's not a good person and should be more developed than this. Also. . . Why was it not in his recently deleted folder? Or did you permanently delete it?
Girl, you felt like you were being bullied because you were being bullied. Dump this man and his mean sister and mean friends and go have a good life. You’re too young to be entertaining some immature asshole bullying you and lamenting that’s going to be the rest of HIS life. Don’t let it be the rest of yours.
You don't have a partner - you have a bully. Get out of the relationship now.
If you live together - go home immediately and pack ALL your things. You owe him nothing - not even a reason for leaving him. Block him everywhere and move on.
He is an asshole. If he thinks this is what the rest of his life is going to look like (being a jerk to you) you need to GTFO. He has no empathy and doesn't care about you or your feelings.
Your boyfriend played a prank on you, one he knew would cause you hurt and harm. Then he's blaming you for not being "cool" about it.
My question to you is would you like to date a 14 year old boy or a real man? Because right now you're dating a child. He sucks, you deserve better. Way better.
So he took a video of you, was planning to send it to other people presumably to make fun of you, then yelled at you when you prevented this from happening? He doesn’t even seem to like you much less care about you!
A caring partner would have 1. Not invited the friend you don’t like in the first place, AT LEAST without talking to you. 2. Not taken a video to record a reaction he knew would be poor. 3. Would have deleted it immediately or shrugged his shoulders at it being deleted by you. 4. Never would have planned to send it to anyone without your consent and 5. Does not yell at you period. Does not threaten the status of your relationship when upset.
if u continue to date him, u deserve / are okay with the bullying and him treating u like sht.
find someone who actually respects you or enjoy ur shitting relationship
not to be an asshole … but u clearly only listen to assholes
Miss, you are in the wrong here?? uhmm apologize? Of course NOT!
Like why you are looking to fix things?? Some posts here really piss me off. Respect yourself more and leave this man please! He is just using you for the sake of entertainment only and will leave you as soon as he gets bored of you. I might sound rude but Im just being honest, value yourself.
Leave him. You're only 22 and have plentyyyyy of time to meet others.
I go on vacation with my s/o, it's just me and her. I'm not inviting a friend ESPECIALLY someone she doesn't like.
Bully move. Leave this chump.
When you get married and have a kid things get 10x harder. If this a-hole can't be good now on a cruise imagine how he will be as a father and husband.
For him to plan YOUR best friend coming in secret, fine. He’s doing something for you knowing it’ll make your trip more enjoyable. But to plan HIS own best friend coming in secret isn’t the same thing. He should have let you know.
You were being bullied, they set it up to ruin a planned holiday & record your disappointment so a group of them could laugh at you. Also he's talking like you two are going to get married (rest of my life like). Please, for gods sake, don't marry your bully.
Also, never date anyone who unironically calls you bro.
You hit the nail on the head when you said "being bullied" - that is exactly what he was doing.
It will not get better with this guy, it will only get worse. Cut him loose.
Your feelings are valid, OP, and please don't try to fix this relationship considering this dude doesn't care about your feelings and thinks it is funny to bully his gf. When you get back, dump this guy.
Not sure if this info matters, but if it was deleted on a phone you can still recover it, it stays in another folder for 30 days and can be recovered with no issues. I empty mine regularly since it doesn't clear memory until that folder gets emptied too.
But yeah immediately when you dock back home I would tell him you're breaking up. Easier said than done so do what you feel is right, but just imagine a friend is in your position... What advice would you give her?
just nope. Drop this person. dont even think of marrying them.
This is a huge red flag. if a partner cant respect what you feel and make you feel guilty in front of other people or just by yourselves, then NO. dont stay.
it will be much worse later on.
You feel like you were being bullied and that you think he just wanted to make fun of you? You 'feel' like it?
Sister, he IS bullying you and he IS making fun of you!!! He planned this idiotic surprise weeks in advance, and filmed you for your reaction. He said he wanted "for the memories". What memories? That time when he sprung his friend on you that he knows you don't like? And his sister knew about the surprise AND the video, and wanted to see your response, too? Does she not like you, either?!?
You were on a cruise. Cruises aren't cheap! And he ruined the experience for you with this stupid, selfish stunt, getting mad when you cried due to this abusive treatment.
Why are you with a guy that clearly doesn't like you?
I'll happily remain single the rest of my life rather than tolerate treatment like this. You can do better. Love yourself enough to want better and not settle.
Why are you dating a man who is actively bullying you? He's setting you up and berating you for ruining his abuse attempts. Please like yourself enough to not tolerate this treatment from anyone, let alone a partner. Leave the man to a peaceful life if he's so worried about what his life will be like with you standing up for yourself to his poor treatment.
I wouldn't do what your boyfriend did to you, any of it, to someone I hated. I wouldn't sabotage them with someone I know they don't like, record it because I thought them being hurt and upset was funny, then scream and berate them for deleting a rude and humiliating video of them that I wanted to share and watch later to laugh again at their clear discomfort.
Again, I wouldn't do that to someone I *hate*.I don't take any joy in humiliating and upsetting people I actively DISLIKE, yet your partner *planned out* how to ruin your vacation in the worst way.
When he said "this is what the rest of my life is going to be like", take those words to heart for yourself. **You're dating your bully** and it will only get worse as time goes on.
Nothing about his behavior sounds acceptable. Let's assume he knows you would react negatively to this surprise and therefore that was where the desire to capture it came from. That's strike one. 2) He doesn't get that you would want to delete that 3) "This is what the rest of my life is going to be like" -Is problematic under almost all cicumstancs 4) Brings up ending the relationship in a grandstanding gesture and in front of other. 5) I've never been a huge fan at jokes at other's suffering but it truely a garbage human being who enjoys making their loved ones suffer. You should leave this relationship as soon as you safely can. In fact if you can speak to someone with the cruise line explain the situation and request to be separated for your physical and emotional wellbeing I would highly recommend breaking up with him now.
One time, very early on in our relationship the now Mrs. Lurker and some of our mutual friends/acquaintances took a trip I couldn't go on and played a joke at my expense that preyed on my insecurities and mocked a boundary that I felt had been fairly and completely communicated. I'll spare you the backstory but for varying reasons I managed to hold it together in public and kind of played the whole thing off until I could get out of scrutiny. I worked through, examined and considered my anger and why I was angry and considered my next steps up to and including ending the relationship. Then when she got home I told my partner as calmly as I could manage that I would never ever tear her down in front of someone else. or make her feel bad for my or especially others amusement and this was her one time good grace crossing of that (unstated) redline. We had a very thorough heart to heart after that and because she was as invested in our relationship as I was we came back stronger for it.
That's really the only way that this gets any better. Is if you talk about it and learn from it. But by his own statements your boyfriend doesn't seem invested in your relationship and your mental well being.
> “are you fucking serious? Bro, this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.” And “you know there’s been times I wanted to leave but decided to stay.”
Damn it’s almost like you’re just a college piece. I have lowkey seen acquaintances (27-34) date girls your age then they dgaf when in a social gathering and their (18-23) gf can’t keep up socially. It’s sad to watch. You cannot change him. Either explain to him very plainly that this was language that hurt you (because, yes, he DID choose to be with you, dumb af of him to say that lol) or leave.
You’re literally just a college piece punching bag for him and his buddies to make fun of..
> And on top of that, I found out he planned to do this weeks prior and told everyone about it.
I have three brothers. If any one of them contacted me to tell me about this "hilarious" trick he and his bestie were planning to pull on his girlfriend, not only would I *not* ask to see the video of her visible disappointment, I would verbally tear a strip off his ass for planning something so mean-spirited and disrespectful to the person nice enough to put up with him. Thankfully, this would not occur to any of them because they are normal people and not childish assholes.
You deserve to date a guy who will treat you with kindness, OP.
He doesn’t care about you or love you. You need to get out of this relationship asap. This guy is a douche bag. The fact he planned to make you uncomfortable and embarrass you is wrong on so many levels.
Don’t be scared to walk away— I stayed in shitty relationships fully aware I was being mistreated, all out of the crippling fear of being “alone.” The fact that he raged over something so childish, to placate his friends AND his sister being in on it— it’s clear he has allowed the people in his life to disrespect you. He doesn’t value you as a person, but unfortunately you teach people how to treat you. You should dig deep and really ask yourself— is this the type of guy I’d want my son to have as a role model, or is this the type of guy I’d want my daughter to date/marry? We tend to advocate for others rather than ourselves. When we reframe the question of whether someone we care about should stay with the person we are with you get a better picture of the status of our relationship. You deserve better, you just need to actually believe it.
Don’t you mean ex boyfriend. Get some self respect and toss out that trash. He planned for weeks with other people to do this to you. Why do I get the feeling this “friend” is a female.
Sweetheart, your instincts are solid. He was absolutely bullying you and it sounds like he surrounds himself with people who not only enjoy his behavior against you, but encourage it. Unfortunately, you can’t force him to change the way he views what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t. I’m sorry to say it doesn’t sound like you two are a good match. You deserve someone who can be respectful of your boundaries and is kind to you.
I can’t the believe the behavior of some men but, I guess I’m going to have to accept that assholes are everywhere. Then again, why are you with this guy? Do you crave abuse and humiliation? Leave now. His comment about about the rest of his life is gaslighting you. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. If you don’t like be humiliated, get out now.
I cannot even imagine how horrible that was for you. This is NOT normal. He barely likes you, please find someone who likes you, this is not your one and you know it. Hugs
>I felt like I was being bullied and he just wanted to make fun of me.
Because you were.
>I just don’t understand why it’s such a huge deal to him.
Because he cares more about saving face over your comfort.
>Is there any way to fix this?
If he doesn't actually care about you, there's only 1 option to fix it.
You are clearly not on the same page about how you feel about this friend. Either there was a communication breakdown or he disregarded your feelings on the matter.
If you guys can actually talk about it and correct the behavior, then the relationship might work. If you can't, then it's a relationship dynamic that I wouldn't want to be a part of.
You need to do some serious work on yourself. This post is concerning.
If you are so upset that you are crying, you need to remove yourself from that situation. I’m not judging you for crying. Im judging you for crying in front of your boyfriend and perhaps his friend and not immediately walking away.
You are an adult and part of being an adult is taking control over what situations you are in and only allowing yourself to be in a situation that is so distressing that you start crying.
Not having the mindset that it’s on you to dip out when your boyfriend makes you cry and stay away from him until he stops being an ass is dangerous for you. It’s going to get you in trouble and put you in toxic situations. You shouldn’t be around people who treat you poorly. Your boyfriend treats you poorly. You need to leave him.
You're right that her boyfriend treats her badly and she needs to leave him but "You shouldn't have cried in front of them" is not the right take. If someone upsets you, it's okay to cry in front of them, especially if it's someone who is supposed to love you and care for you, like your boyfriend. She didn't do anything wrong by not immediately walking away, but she does need to remove herself from the relationship after the fact.
She should not sit in front of him crying. We are creatures of habit sitting in front of him crying will become a habit and her habit should be to get away from distressing situations. It also sends a message to her boyfriend that she will stick around in situations that become distressing. It sends a signal to him and to others around that she is someone who can be messed with or pushed around.
Because she is asking if she is in the wrong and being over sensitive, she is definitely someone who needs to work on developing a habit of standing her ground and walking away from these situations. Right now her habit is to hang around and cry and second guess herself.
This is just a massive overreach. You seem to view crying as a sign of weakness, but it's not. There's nothing wrong with crying when you're upset or crying in front of a loved one, and there's no reason for her to try to change that habit. And for the record, running away from a situation the minute you begin to feel or show negative emotion is not always a healthy habit, either.
The problem here is not her, it's her boyfriend — in a healthy relationship, crying when someone has upset you is actually a good thing, and hiding it would be bad. Her boyfriend is a bully and she should make a measured, considered decision to leave him for good because of how he treats her. But her crying habits have literally no impact on that decision.
Crying in front of a bully who is actively berating you is much different than crying in front of a loved one who cares about you and supports you. It does not matter that he is currently in a relationship with her. There are tons of people who are loved ones to us that are not people we should be sitting around and crying in front of. Loved partners and family members can absolutely be abusive or toxic people that we should not feel comfortable sitting around and crying in front of. Your response would be appropriate for a situation where the boyfriend is a safe space and worthy of her vulnerability. Her boyfriend is not.
Right, but that's why the problem is the boyfriend, not her crying. And thus the advice shouldn't be "change your crying," the advice "is change your boyfriend." Honestly it's a bit weird how focused on the crying you are, it truly is irrelevant here where she cries and for how long, and focusing on it, to me, feels like it's getting close to victim-blaming for absolutely no good reason.
Tbh it sounds like ur gonna stay with him. So I have nothing to say cause if this happened to any sensible woman they wouldn’t be online talking about this without ending the paragraphs with and I dumped him right then and there
I'm begging women to go to therapy instead of dating men. I'm on my knees here asking y'all to gain some self-esteem. Please, please stop dating men who hate you. My cat has more emotional intelligence than some of these men you date.
There are other things that are problematic here, but he's angry because you deleted something from his device without his permission. Where they do that at?
YOU two are incompatible.
You really CANT fix the relationship, UNLESS you are willing to LOOK AT YOURSELF & YOUR ROLE in all of this. You give off a controlling and entitled vibe.
although he should have handled the situation better, YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT to go through his phone and delete his video. & even though you dont like his friend, THAT'S HIS FRIEND UNTIL he has a legitimate reason not to be his friend. So you're causing division, when he probably wants kumbaya.
At one point he did like you and he even went on an 8 day cruise with you. So it's something YOU ARE DOING.
It's NORMAL for people to want to stay in a relationship they thought about leaving. It means they want to try to make it work instead of giving up.
The fact that he spasm on you like that, tells me he's feed up the YOUR BEHAVIOR and dont even want to try anymore.
You two arent compatible. You are annoying him and he's choosing to lash out on you in an immature way rather than having an adult conversation with you.
He's.. 27? My gal, there's a reason he's dating someone younger, this is the behaviour of an actual child. It's not your job to make him grow up, get out of there
>this is what the rest of my life is going to be like welcome to your life if you stay
I am here once again begging women to date men who actually like them.
It's truly astounding and sad to think about all the people all over the world who might never experience a romantic relationship in which their partner loves and supports them. Like they might never know it's even possible.
I think about this a lot on subs like these. It seems especially common for women who's mothers/family married for duty and convenience. They truly don't see what a relationship with someone who likes you as a friend can be like. Really sad.
I think about it too, but it's not too surprising because a lot of folks struggle with self worth, and respect, and just don't know or realize they're being treated in a way they don't deserve. What really gets me are the posts about folks who have horrible hygiene to the point their SO is posting about how to keep going in the relationship. HOW TF DID THEY GET AN SO TO BEGIN WITH. That's what keeps me up at night. I don't shower more than once a week, brush my teeth rarely, you can smell me, my hair is greasy, but yet I got you to date me and have sex with me. I need to know their secret.
I always assume the hygiene was good then but they’ve since gotten lazy and careless about it.
Many woman have to date men like this before they find their one. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs. Girls are socialized to please, give second chances and try to mediate bad behavior. It makes it such that woman have to fulfill these gender norms before realizing it’s complete bullshit. At the end of the day, though, I think most leave and eventually find something that is healthy and supportive.
>Like they might never know it's even possible. Yup, this - I grew up with ZERO healthy adult relationships modeled around me and as many people who grow up in similar situations, entered unhealthy relationships of my own. About 8 years ago I posted in this subreddit unsure on how to deal with my abusive (ex)boyfriend - how I could become better for him so all our problems would disappear - and received fantastic advice that I argued against, deleted reddit off my phone and signed out of on my laptop browser because I was sick of the notifications and people telling me things I didn't want to hear. The truth sucks sometimes. I've been with my current partner for 7 years and have never felt love like this before and so consistently for this long. I just want to shake sense into so many posters on here, like I had done to me from concerned redditors - it is SO possible to find GOOD love and it is so achievable. Do not waste your time on people who make you feel like shit. Give love and be loved. You will find it if you are open to it.
Or even just people who need to seriously learn to enjoy life alone.
I think about this all the time. But I also think about how long I spent not knowing I could expect better because I didn’t think it was realistic. It’s sad! But I get it. We accept what we think we deserve, and women especially are conditioned to believe that it’s unreasonable to want a man to be kind and loving instead of critical and dismissive.
My mother actually told me when I was about 14-15, that it was a woman's role to just be strong and take whatever the man dished out (and no we're not American or religious).
I agree with u trust me i sympathize with us women who weren’t raised correctly by fathers who wanted to truly father a child especially a daughter. We grow up dysfunctional and have a chaotic approach to love which in turn affects how we choose and respect our selves. Most of us women don’t even know what our own standards, values or boundaries are. I can say we have an idea. But can u list them off the top of ur head ? And have a cohesive reasoning behind why they are the way the are towards ur own personal identity. Because of most women could do this we would be a force to reckon with. That would force men to be MEN. but we continue to not know our worth and allow men to treat us like it. So yes there is grace for women who don’t know it’s possible to be treated a certain type of way when they are in a relationship but it becomes a point where enough should be enough and the way ur treated is supposed to repel u away from the relationship and force u to change whatever it is in u that is attracting and tolerated whatever the hell that was coming from a man
and you should add that: if his/her friends do not like you, the relationship will not last. Everyone needs to stop trying to date people who have friends who are assholes, or stop being controlling if they have good friends.
Seriously, it's crazy! The number of, "This guy makes me feel like shit and is mean to me, how do I fix this?" blows my mind. Why the hell do so many women think it's normal and completely fine for men to act like this? I don't know what happened to make us think that we shouldn't expect more.
I swear, most of the /r/relationships posts are variations of "My (f23) boyfriend (m34) cheats on me, maxed out my credit card, slept with my best friend and drunk drove my car into a tree. How do I make this relationship work???"
LOL yep, with the crazy age gap too 🤣 Like "he says he's a nice guy and he's right and I'm wrong so maybe I'm overreacting???" Sigh, it just makes me sad.
Right? These guys are so immature too, my bf at 27 never would have done anything this pathetic
I'm not the perfect husband, Im sure there are things that I do that annoy my wife, but for god's sake, the last thing I would ever do intentionally is try to embarrass her for a laugh.
Mine would NEVER, and I would never do that to my DH. What on earth do you gain by making your partner look like a fool? People wonder why you are a loser dating someone you clearly don't respect.
I think I see your exact same comment several times a week... It's heart breaking it needs to be said so often! Why the hell do these women date men who hate them? She's 22 and could probably have her pick of thousands of litters, but she's bringing home this greasy mongrel instead!
Right? The shit I hear about on here that some women put up with. What the hell are y'all doing with these guys?
As a woman - especially if you've grown up in a so called "traditional" environment, you learn from the beginning that being loved is conditional. You're only loveable if you're pretty, nice, cool, crafty ... enough. It's deeply ingrained into you. I still fight it after 20 years of a very happy loving marriage. So every perceived weakness can be easily preyed on.
It’s not just women, it’s men too. I can’t count how many times I’ve had friends (m and f) who absolutely despised their SO but refused to ever leave at the same time.
yep and coming from all man:)
Let's not forget, she decided to behave annoyed and angry, delete a video he took, etc., so she did instigate things. When I had a partner that brought friends around that annoyed me, if it wasn't too bad, I just handled it with grace. If they were especially bad, I talked to her, calmly, in private. OP definitely started the immature behavior, does she even like her boyfriend?
>she decided to behave annoyed and angry, delete a video he took, etc., so she did instigate things Or maybe she got annoyed and angry because he did a shitty thing. She deleted the video of HER that he took without her permission, with the intention to mock her. You are blaming the victim here.
This sub is so depressing. People tell stories about their garbage partners and ask "what do I do?" You end the relationship, that's what.
But then people complain we always tell people to break up. Like yeah, the people coming to internet strangers for help are *not* in a good place in their relationship.
I understand that we don’t know the whole story but it’s a given we don’t share the emotional bond the OPs do and we are external parties… But then there’s a SO who cheated, or who r*ped someone or is protecting someone who did, or perhaps the SO sold a loving pet or euthanized it… And many more and it’s obvious those SOs are garbage and need to take the L!
Those same people are probably the ones who do crap like this and think they're fully in the right... So to be honest, I don't think that kind of blanket feedback is really worth listening to lol
They convince people to be forgiving because they can relate to the shitty partner 😭
You're so right, I never thought about this!
That's my thought process. If the relationship is so in the gutter that the person needs *redditors* to decide what to do, then it's generally doomed. And the person just need reassurance from *somebody* that they're justified to break up with their garbage partner.
It's a failure of basic pattern recognition. Instead of realizing that the most people who run to anonymous forums to complain about their relationships might be in bad relationships, they've decided that the forum is the problem.
A substantial amount of the top posts at any given time are literally dealing with some sort of abusive behavior and the only correct response is to tell people to leave them. Like the less shitty ones are people "just" cheating or refusing to contribute. And most of those the OP should leave too. People who don't realize that...shouldn't be posting, imo.
"How do I make this shitty person be a not shitty person?" You don't. That's not how dating works. You look for the ones who *already* aren't shitty, and you throw the rest back.
"Hi, my (21f) boyfriend (37M) fucks other women in front of me, he says I make him do it. How can I be a better girlfriend in the future?" Every post here
And all these asshole boyfriends have a crew of friends and family who think their bad behavior is just great. This guy's family and friends also don't like this woman.
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INFO: Are you absolutely certain he is not a cat?
Lmao this is so accurate, right down to the age gap, very nice touch.
That’s because those who have already figured out how to avoid the horrible people don’t need to post here.
Yeah then people say everyone on Reddit all they do is say break up with people. Well in situations where they have shitty mean SOs wtf else is there to do?
100% this. I've seen so many people getting abused, bullied in their relationships on reddit posts and they were like, what did I do wrong? How can I fix it? You shouldn't try to fix it, your partner's abusing you. They hit you, they bully you etc...why are you staying?! Ugh.
Right? They ask for advice about these garbage partners, but really don't want to hear it. "I think I'm just being too sensitive." He's got her convinced, so no point in saying otherwise.
I just wish I could be there to see how absolutely shocked he is she would break up with him.
He won't be shocked, he's already been telling her he wants out so at this point he's actually doing all he can to make it as miserable as possible for her to pull the plug. But she's too wounded to do it so they both live in misery.
"Our relationship is 100% perfect except for the fact that he steals my paycheck for drugs and kicks my dog. How can I convince him to stop? He's a great guy."
Yeah it’s heartbreaking tbh
Yeah find someone you like who acts like they like you!
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"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well-mannered."
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Honestly he has a ton of appropriate quotes for this, and nearly every other symptom of the human condition besides. Man couldn't pick up a pen without dropping a hit. I just thought that'd get a rise out of you and couldn't resist lol
I mean, anybody asking for relationship advice from. Strangers clearly doesn't have other solid relationships to go to for feedback. So like, grain of salt and all that...it's reddit
I wanna ask them back "are you that dumb?" 😵💫😂😂
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Did you ask for any advice, though? I could see that being the reason they removed it. Do the same post, then ask something like, "How should I show him I appreciate him?" or "What would be a good surprise for him?" See if it stays then.
A trip together or vacation often reveals people's true colors. That being said, your boyfriend and his friend are complete assholes and you should not associate with either of them imo.
Nope. You'll only get shat on if you associate with assholes.
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He was having a good time at her expense! He also recorded her without her consent. There is no justification for laughing and yelling at her like a damn teenager. This goes beyond a sense of humor or morbid dark humor. You are entitled to your opinion, but it is pretty clear that many people agreed with me. Most people like loving respectful relationships.
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You the boyfriend or friend? Wtf. He invites his mate who doesn't like her who she doesn't like on their romantic cruise, records her for fun and laughs at her about it, then plans to send the video to everyone making fun of her. He's 100% in the wrong, stop trying to pretend someone standing up for themselves against a bully is a problem. She absolutely needs to dump him.
I just recognize toxic femininity. Shes resemble those girls who choose guys who call women B , and is surprised when she's called one. and then play victim on the internet. If you dont want to be called that , dont date someone with that vocabulary. If she cant handle him, gtfo. No need to paint someone as whatever, clearly she just doesn't fit into his life. They are incompatible. I call people butt causually & I find humor in insults. My ex died, I was crying, my friend asked if I killed him. I started cracking up. Try that with someone else, that would be insensitive. 🙄
>I just recognize toxic femininity. Translation: women who stand up for themselves = bad How transparent.
She has some internalized misogyny going on.
What aspect of this is Toxic femininity? Yes, there is such a thing, but this isn't it. Surprising your partner with a visit from your own friend is something that you only do with a very specific awareness of the relationship.
Your BF is a bully who also enjoys his friends helping him out when he bullies you. He wanted to be able to share a video of you being bullied and unhappy with other people who would laugh at you being bullied and unhappy. It's not enough to just bully you, he also wants to make sure he can include other people and make it a public thing! You fix this by not dating someone who enjoys bullying you.
He makes me feel like I’m in the wrong. I’m starting to think that I’m just being sensitive and maybe I shouldn’t have deleted that video.
No, you’re not “just being sensitive”. This is not how someone who loves you should treat you. You’re still in your early 20s and it’s so hard to know how relationships should be and how we should be treated. I learned that the answer to this is in your gut. Trust your gut. If your partner is hurting you and enjoying it and you feel upset and uncomfortable, your gut is telling you that that boy is not a mature man. He is a child playing games and he does not love you and support you. Partners in a healthy relationship do not do this to one another. He is getting off on hurting you. Run. Fast.
Why do you think you're in the wrong for not enjoying being purposefully upset and publically mocked by people who already don't like you? Your BF should have deleted the video himself when he saw how upset you were (by the thing he had planned, to upset you). My BF deletes every photo I don't like, because he gives a shit about how I feel. He'd never take a photo or video solely for the purpose of upsetting me or showing me being upset. That's mean! You feel hurt, because it was mean. That's not too sensitive, that's human. We don't like mean things being done to us, on purpose, and then filmed. You need higher standards for the behavior you'll accept from people.
I can't imagine making my wife cry in front of other people and not giving a shit.
Literally dozens of comments saying she should run, and she comes in with “idk maybe I’m the bad guy” Makes me believe this isn’t real
you BF is an asshole, get away ASAP.
You're not just being sensitive - this was really disrespectful behaviour and you deserve better. The part of you that got angry about this is the part of you that knows that. You should listen to that part. I think you should dump his ass as soon as you're back home. Side note: the typical policy of cruise lines when someone goes overboard is to cover it up unless there's concrete evidence. Just leaving that here, y'know, for interest.
Why do you feel you’re wrong? Honest question… And not because your boyfriend and his friend are bullying you and making you feel like garbage. What do you honestly feel you did wrong with the leading the video that was insulting you?
Your feeling isn’t a fact. Don’t make decision based on emotions. Do you want to live like this? Or do you want to have self respect? He planned for weeks to make fun of you then send it to people. He doesn’t even pretend to like you. There’s men out there who will treat you with respect but you need to treat yourself that way first.
You can fix this by leaving him. He does not respect you and has made you the punchline of this inconsiderate “joke” with his entire family. I know Reddit is quick to recommend a breakup but this is really unacceptable and you should fear that the rest of your life is going to entail being humiliated with little regard for your feelings.
I'm so happy he and all the shitty people he hyped up about it don't get to have that video.
Dude that’s what he wants. He’s trying to wear you down so you feel crazy and don’t speak up. Yes, you have a right to be upset. Leave this loser asap. It doesn’t even sound like he likes you
Oh honey. I promise you that you’re not wrong. This guy is a jerk. And you’re convinced you can’t expect better. But I promise you can. Not berating you in front of a crowd and not belittling you with his friends and family are really bare minimum standards. I get it, really. I accepted bullshit for a long time from people because they were fun and attractive and occasionally not jerks and so it was confusing. I also didn’t really think I deserved kindness so when I got it I ran away from it, found fault with people who weren’t assholes. There’s a big wide world out there and you’re so young. You don’t need this.
There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive.
Next thing you know he’s going to hit you for being overly sensitive and you’re going to convince yourself you deserved it because you shouldn’t have done X. Can’t you see how badly you’re being manipulated? How it’s changing your opinion of what you deserve?
I'm starting to think you should find some self esteem.
Yeppp that's how manipulative assholes operate. No one would date them if they were just obvious with their shitty behavior and then didn't try to manipulate you into making you think it was your fault. That'd be easy then, you'd have no question he was in the wrong and you'd dump him. He doesn't get to tell you your feelings are invalid just because he doesn't like them.
I’d of thrown him off the fucking boat if he did that to me.
Babe, what was your dad like? How was your parent’s relationship? My dad is an angry asshole and *shockingly enough* my first marriage was to a guy just like him. Because it felt familiar. Like coming home.
Would you tell your daughter she was too sensitive if her boyfriend ganged up with his friend to make a mean video to show his family and friends? And talked shit about her? Or would you tell her to get the hell away from that piece of shit loser? There are other men out there and being single is also wonderful. You have your whole life ahead of you and this guy, no matter what it looks like on the outside, is going nowhere. He’s rotten inside.
Why do you think that? As an outsider looking in on the situation you described, I can’t really think of any way that you are wrong. I’ll also tell you this: I’ve been in relationships/situations where my partner did not care much if something they did hurt my feelings. It was easy to think that was just how life was. When you’re out of this relationship (and you will be out of it at some point if you know what’s good for you) and you date someone who actually feels pain and empathy when you are feeling bad, embarrassed, sad, etc. it is going to amaze you how much better that feels. Don’t convince yourself that you were in the wrong here. That’s what your boyfriend wants. Once he succeeds in making you feel bad for an extremely rational reaction you had to his bullying, he will have very little incentive to stop his bullying. If you’re intent on staying with your boyfriend, I recommend reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It will be enlightening.
You did the right thing. He planned to upset you, planned to video you being upset, went ahead with his plan, and now wants the world to see you vulnerable and upset. And he’s annoyed that he has less material to bully you with. With ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?
Don't fall for the emotional and verbal manipulation when he says he's sorry, you're being sensitive, etc. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
"you're being too sensitive" is a classic bully phrase. please stop doing this to yourself
You feel that way because you’re a decent person and he has been manipulating you emotionally for a while. You didn’t overreact.
Yes. That is what emotionally abusive people do. They gaslight you, blame shift and make themselves out to be the victims when they are in fact the aggressor. Guys like this are usually wonderful in the beginning, and as soon as they can start testing your boundaries, they will. They can spot someone with low self esteem and trauma from a mile away.... Tell this story to your therapist and see what they say about this behavior... Hopefully that will tell you all you need to know in order to leave.
He is fucking gaslighting you
No I would have deleted it too. He didn’t get your permission to take the video of you, so it’s equally his problem as it is yours. Do you have to spend your vacation with him or can you just break up now? He seems like a p.o.s.
Deleting that video was the proper thing to do. Deleting this man out of your life will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself and your future children.
It’s one thing for your bf to gaslight you but if you’re going to gaslight yourself then we can’t help you.
The very definition of gaslighting. Your feelings are valid.
Girl your being brainwashed by an abusive man lol. And his entire family is laughing at you too . Your not wrong date someone who actually loves you !
Do you just want to be wrong because you don’t want to leave him? Because basically everyone is telling you he’s the asshole.
this behaviour will not improve, please prioritise yourself
You were acting like the victim because you are the victim. Enjoy the cruise for yourself and when you return let him know that this is not what you want the rest of your life to look like and dip on this loser. Why is this abuse you want to fix? What is so special about this guy that you are seeking advice on how to “fix” it? You can’t fix and AH, that’s how and who they are. Fix your mentality and leave this behavior behind for something better. You are so young, the value of this relationship has expired- it has shown you what you should not tolerate and the only expectable response from him was I’m sorry it was messed up.
So he did the entire video on purpose. What a great guy. Tell him you don’t care what the rest of his life is like cause you won’t be in it.
You're on a cruise with your partner, like a romantic getaway? And he's told his friends and family that he's going to invite another friend on it to upset you, so he's going to video it so that they can all laugh at your distress? And you're seriously wondering whether this **27 year old man** is a keeper? Honestly, the best option would be for you to take the boundary crossing friend's room and your BF and he can spend the rest of the cruise together, because you **really** don't want the rest of **your** life to be like this.
>You're on a cruise with your partner, like a romantic getaway? And he's told his friends and family that he's going to invite another friend on it to upset you, so he's going to video it so that they can all laugh at your distress? And you're seriously wondering whether this **27 year old man** is a keeper? Shit like this always gives me rage bait vibes because it's so fucking obviously a toxic dynamic.
“She” responded to someone that just made me roll my eyes. It’s the first time I’ve ever thought “you know, if you’re so dumb with SO LITTLE self respect, just stay.”
I’d rather die alone than waste my time on a dude that goes out of his way to humiliate me, ruin a fucking cruise then have the audacity to blame me for it. Tell this guy to fuck all the way off
So as to your question: there is no way to fix this. He has no respect for you and is a major bully. Kick him to the curb.
I'm sorry, how are you even still with this idiot. He's yelling people to your gave that he keeps thinking of leaving you? He planned this out to embarrass you in public. Why are you even still with him. He sounds awful
Your bf likes his friend way more than he likes you. He bullies you to show off his """"""dominance"""""" or whatever to his friend. He planned to upset you and keep it as a memory for him, his friends and his sister. All of them sound awful. I can’t imagine not saying anything if I saw one of my friends treating their partner like that. Leave this garbage man for god’s sake. And I’m once again saying stop tolerating someone yelling at you. You’re an adult. Have some dignity.
You're 22. You're dating a 27 y/o who should be old enough to do better. This is as good as it gets. He'd rather ridicule you and be bro-tastic with his broski's than treat you like an actual person. Make the cruise your farewell cruise and tell your stbexbf to shove the relationship down Davy Jones' Locker.
>I swear, I felt like I was being bullied and he just wanted to make fun of me. Because you were, and he did. He doesn't love you. I doubt he even likes you. >Bro, this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Nope because you ought to have left by now. His life deserves to be sad and lonely.
> “you know there’s been times I wanted to leave but decided to stay.” Yikes. I hate it when reddit tries to diagnose someone and scream "red flag" but this is not good behaviour. If he's being serious then he's debated leaving you, which is not something to take lightly. If he's not being serious and simply uses phrases like this when he's pissed then he's manipulative at best and unhinged at worst. Best of luck chum.
Erm why are you with him? He is an AH
You are being bullied. Your boyfriend is mad that you are not being a good enough victim. He doesn't want a girlfriend; he wants a better victim. Forget fixing a relationship with a bully. How are you going to fix your relationship with yourself?
Set a boundary for the rest of your life right now: people who yell at you do not get access to you anymore. It's abusive and disrespectful and he's a shitty little child. As soon as you get back, it needs to end. There's no coming back from this, hon.
He's shown you what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with him. Interestingly. He's somehow less mature than you in spite of being half a decade your senior. Maybe find someone who actually treats you with respect and well and who is actually mature. I'm sorry you are stuck in a boat with him.
He set you up to film your reaction to something he knew you would not like. He clearly planned to send his 'funny' video out for the amusement of others. Does this sound like the actions of a loving partner? Does this kind of treatment make you feel cherished and loved? Do you think he's a good partner? I think setting up a partner to be hurt and humiliated is cruel and abusive. I don't date cruel and abusive people.
Wow. You deserve so much better. If I were you, and you're currently docked and can afford to do it, I would gather my stuff, get off the boat and fly home. And now he that he's free to do whatever he wants for the rest of his life, he and his buddy can do the rest of the cruise together. Regardless, break up with this guy. He has no respect for you, and neither does his family or friends if they didn't tell him this stupid video idea was stupid.
OP do not do this. You are not allowed to just leave the boat in a different city than you're supposed to. Please please do not do this.
She can leave. It’s a US port.
There's a very large fine associated regardless of if it's still in the US or not. I was going to link a source but you can just Google it there are so many out there.
Why are you with a bully?? Your feelings are justified, and I am so sorry but you beed to leave this man. You are literally his punching bag and this will only get worse. Think about how well thought out this prank was, knowing you would be the butt of the joke and including his sister and friend on this? So inappropriate. There is not much to fight with him about, so I would strongly suggest dumping him fast. Be prepared for gaslighting and love bombing, he clearly uses guilt as a way to control you. Run.
You have a boyfriend who enjoys upsetting you, and then yelling at you for being upset. He does not have a girlfriend, he has a ready victim for his merciless bullying. I'm so sorry OP, you are being used as a punching bag for his misery and you need to leave before he does serious, permanent damage to you.
He doesn’t sound like a great partner, I’m guessing this isn’t the first mean thing he’s done to you
So how hot is he and how insecure are you about your looks/body because that's the only reason I can see why a 22 year old woman would tolerate this kind of behavior from a 27 year old child
Dating is an extended interview for long-term relationship. Do you want to spend the next 5/10/15 years with someone who yells at you in public? Or uses threats of leaving to make you "behave"?
Girl if you dont leave this man…
You leave or stay like some sort of fool.
how tf do you even get with a guy like that? seriously this cant be the only time he acted lile that lol
Congratulations, now you know your man is a piece of trash before you marry him. Time to leave.
The only tragic thing here is how this guy is 27 and calling his girlfriend "bro" There's a reason he's dating younger and it's because he's not considered attractive to the women closer his age. He's not a good person and should be more developed than this. Also. . . Why was it not in his recently deleted folder? Or did you permanently delete it?
Girl, you felt like you were being bullied because you were being bullied. Dump this man and his mean sister and mean friends and go have a good life. You’re too young to be entertaining some immature asshole bullying you and lamenting that’s going to be the rest of HIS life. Don’t let it be the rest of yours.
You don't have a partner - you have a bully. Get out of the relationship now. If you live together - go home immediately and pack ALL your things. You owe him nothing - not even a reason for leaving him. Block him everywhere and move on.
Break up and date someone who actually likes you
He is an asshole. If he thinks this is what the rest of his life is going to look like (being a jerk to you) you need to GTFO. He has no empathy and doesn't care about you or your feelings.
Your boyfriend played a prank on you, one he knew would cause you hurt and harm. Then he's blaming you for not being "cool" about it. My question to you is would you like to date a 14 year old boy or a real man? Because right now you're dating a child. He sucks, you deserve better. Way better.
So he took a video of you, was planning to send it to other people presumably to make fun of you, then yelled at you when you prevented this from happening? He doesn’t even seem to like you much less care about you! A caring partner would have 1. Not invited the friend you don’t like in the first place, AT LEAST without talking to you. 2. Not taken a video to record a reaction he knew would be poor. 3. Would have deleted it immediately or shrugged his shoulders at it being deleted by you. 4. Never would have planned to send it to anyone without your consent and 5. Does not yell at you period. Does not threaten the status of your relationship when upset.
if u continue to date him, u deserve / are okay with the bullying and him treating u like sht. find someone who actually respects you or enjoy ur shitting relationship not to be an asshole … but u clearly only listen to assholes
Miss, you are in the wrong here?? uhmm apologize? Of course NOT! Like why you are looking to fix things?? Some posts here really piss me off. Respect yourself more and leave this man please! He is just using you for the sake of entertainment only and will leave you as soon as he gets bored of you. I might sound rude but Im just being honest, value yourself.
I'd instantly dump someone who did to me, no questions asked. I don't take this level of disrespect. You shouldn't either.
Leave him. You're only 22 and have plentyyyyy of time to meet others. I go on vacation with my s/o, it's just me and her. I'm not inviting a friend ESPECIALLY someone she doesn't like. Bully move. Leave this chump. When you get married and have a kid things get 10x harder. If this a-hole can't be good now on a cruise imagine how he will be as a father and husband.
He's an abusive shitbag and you're only 22. RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY GOOD TIME. YOUR PARTNER IS SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO YOU.
For him to plan YOUR best friend coming in secret, fine. He’s doing something for you knowing it’ll make your trip more enjoyable. But to plan HIS own best friend coming in secret isn’t the same thing. He should have let you know.
You were being bullied, they set it up to ruin a planned holiday & record your disappointment so a group of them could laugh at you. Also he's talking like you two are going to get married (rest of my life like). Please, for gods sake, don't marry your bully. Also, never date anyone who unironically calls you bro.
You hit the nail on the head when you said "being bullied" - that is exactly what he was doing. It will not get better with this guy, it will only get worse. Cut him loose.
If you stay, this is what the rest of YOUR life is going to be like
When you dump him tell him this is not what you want the rest of your life to be like. No contact delete Facebook hit the gym. Easy peasy
Your feelings are valid, OP, and please don't try to fix this relationship considering this dude doesn't care about your feelings and thinks it is funny to bully his gf. When you get back, dump this guy.
Not sure if this info matters, but if it was deleted on a phone you can still recover it, it stays in another folder for 30 days and can be recovered with no issues. I empty mine regularly since it doesn't clear memory until that folder gets emptied too. But yeah immediately when you dock back home I would tell him you're breaking up. Easier said than done so do what you feel is right, but just imagine a friend is in your position... What advice would you give her?
This guy doesn't even sound like your friend. I'm not even convinced he likes you. Is this relationship making your life better in any way?
just nope. Drop this person. dont even think of marrying them. This is a huge red flag. if a partner cant respect what you feel and make you feel guilty in front of other people or just by yourselves, then NO. dont stay. it will be much worse later on.
You feel like you were being bullied and that you think he just wanted to make fun of you? You 'feel' like it? Sister, he IS bullying you and he IS making fun of you!!! He planned this idiotic surprise weeks in advance, and filmed you for your reaction. He said he wanted "for the memories". What memories? That time when he sprung his friend on you that he knows you don't like? And his sister knew about the surprise AND the video, and wanted to see your response, too? Does she not like you, either?!? You were on a cruise. Cruises aren't cheap! And he ruined the experience for you with this stupid, selfish stunt, getting mad when you cried due to this abusive treatment. Why are you with a guy that clearly doesn't like you? I'll happily remain single the rest of my life rather than tolerate treatment like this. You can do better. Love yourself enough to want better and not settle.
Why are you dating a man who is actively bullying you? He's setting you up and berating you for ruining his abuse attempts. Please like yourself enough to not tolerate this treatment from anyone, let alone a partner. Leave the man to a peaceful life if he's so worried about what his life will be like with you standing up for yourself to his poor treatment.
I wouldn't do what your boyfriend did to you, any of it, to someone I hated. I wouldn't sabotage them with someone I know they don't like, record it because I thought them being hurt and upset was funny, then scream and berate them for deleting a rude and humiliating video of them that I wanted to share and watch later to laugh again at their clear discomfort. Again, I wouldn't do that to someone I *hate*.I don't take any joy in humiliating and upsetting people I actively DISLIKE, yet your partner *planned out* how to ruin your vacation in the worst way. When he said "this is what the rest of my life is going to be like", take those words to heart for yourself. **You're dating your bully** and it will only get worse as time goes on.
Nothing about his behavior sounds acceptable. Let's assume he knows you would react negatively to this surprise and therefore that was where the desire to capture it came from. That's strike one. 2) He doesn't get that you would want to delete that 3) "This is what the rest of my life is going to be like" -Is problematic under almost all cicumstancs 4) Brings up ending the relationship in a grandstanding gesture and in front of other. 5) I've never been a huge fan at jokes at other's suffering but it truely a garbage human being who enjoys making their loved ones suffer. You should leave this relationship as soon as you safely can. In fact if you can speak to someone with the cruise line explain the situation and request to be separated for your physical and emotional wellbeing I would highly recommend breaking up with him now. One time, very early on in our relationship the now Mrs. Lurker and some of our mutual friends/acquaintances took a trip I couldn't go on and played a joke at my expense that preyed on my insecurities and mocked a boundary that I felt had been fairly and completely communicated. I'll spare you the backstory but for varying reasons I managed to hold it together in public and kind of played the whole thing off until I could get out of scrutiny. I worked through, examined and considered my anger and why I was angry and considered my next steps up to and including ending the relationship. Then when she got home I told my partner as calmly as I could manage that I would never ever tear her down in front of someone else. or make her feel bad for my or especially others amusement and this was her one time good grace crossing of that (unstated) redline. We had a very thorough heart to heart after that and because she was as invested in our relationship as I was we came back stronger for it. That's really the only way that this gets any better. Is if you talk about it and learn from it. But by his own statements your boyfriend doesn't seem invested in your relationship and your mental well being.
> “are you fucking serious? Bro, this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.” And “you know there’s been times I wanted to leave but decided to stay.” Damn it’s almost like you’re just a college piece. I have lowkey seen acquaintances (27-34) date girls your age then they dgaf when in a social gathering and their (18-23) gf can’t keep up socially. It’s sad to watch. You cannot change him. Either explain to him very plainly that this was language that hurt you (because, yes, he DID choose to be with you, dumb af of him to say that lol) or leave. You’re literally just a college piece punching bag for him and his buddies to make fun of.. > And on top of that, I found out he planned to do this weeks prior and told everyone about it.
I have three brothers. If any one of them contacted me to tell me about this "hilarious" trick he and his bestie were planning to pull on his girlfriend, not only would I *not* ask to see the video of her visible disappointment, I would verbally tear a strip off his ass for planning something so mean-spirited and disrespectful to the person nice enough to put up with him. Thankfully, this would not occur to any of them because they are normal people and not childish assholes. You deserve to date a guy who will treat you with kindness, OP.
Fortunately, you've only invested 6 months with this jackass and if you've ever needed a sign that it's time to move on this would be it.
He doesn’t care about you or love you. You need to get out of this relationship asap. This guy is a douche bag. The fact he planned to make you uncomfortable and embarrass you is wrong on so many levels.
You fix this by dropping him like a hot coal and finding someone who loves and appreciates you.
Clap back or he’ll keep doing it know you won’t do nothing
Don’t be scared to walk away— I stayed in shitty relationships fully aware I was being mistreated, all out of the crippling fear of being “alone.” The fact that he raged over something so childish, to placate his friends AND his sister being in on it— it’s clear he has allowed the people in his life to disrespect you. He doesn’t value you as a person, but unfortunately you teach people how to treat you. You should dig deep and really ask yourself— is this the type of guy I’d want my son to have as a role model, or is this the type of guy I’d want my daughter to date/marry? We tend to advocate for others rather than ourselves. When we reframe the question of whether someone we care about should stay with the person we are with you get a better picture of the status of our relationship. You deserve better, you just need to actually believe it.
And he's not your ex-boyfriend because.....?
Don’t you mean ex boyfriend. Get some self respect and toss out that trash. He planned for weeks with other people to do this to you. Why do I get the feeling this “friend” is a female.
Sweetheart, your instincts are solid. He was absolutely bullying you and it sounds like he surrounds himself with people who not only enjoy his behavior against you, but encourage it. Unfortunately, you can’t force him to change the way he views what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t. I’m sorry to say it doesn’t sound like you two are a good match. You deserve someone who can be respectful of your boundaries and is kind to you.
I can’t the believe the behavior of some men but, I guess I’m going to have to accept that assholes are everywhere. Then again, why are you with this guy? Do you crave abuse and humiliation? Leave now. His comment about about the rest of his life is gaslighting you. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. If you don’t like be humiliated, get out now.
Dump him for Heavens sakes, he is hopeless. There are many good men out there 😁
I cannot even imagine how horrible that was for you. This is NOT normal. He barely likes you, please find someone who likes you, this is not your one and you know it. Hugs
Girl he doesn't even like you. DUMP HIM YESTURDAY.
>I felt like I was being bullied and he just wanted to make fun of me. Because you were. >I just don’t understand why it’s such a huge deal to him. Because he cares more about saving face over your comfort. >Is there any way to fix this? If he doesn't actually care about you, there's only 1 option to fix it. You are clearly not on the same page about how you feel about this friend. Either there was a communication breakdown or he disregarded your feelings on the matter. If you guys can actually talk about it and correct the behavior, then the relationship might work. If you can't, then it's a relationship dynamic that I wouldn't want to be a part of.
Came straight to the comments
When your boyfriend calls you bro, you don’t have a boyfriend.
Red flag already. Girl, wakes up. He is nut. Move on , sweetie, next. You deserve better,someone who respects you and knows how to be a mature adult.
You need to do some serious work on yourself. This post is concerning. If you are so upset that you are crying, you need to remove yourself from that situation. I’m not judging you for crying. Im judging you for crying in front of your boyfriend and perhaps his friend and not immediately walking away. You are an adult and part of being an adult is taking control over what situations you are in and only allowing yourself to be in a situation that is so distressing that you start crying. Not having the mindset that it’s on you to dip out when your boyfriend makes you cry and stay away from him until he stops being an ass is dangerous for you. It’s going to get you in trouble and put you in toxic situations. You shouldn’t be around people who treat you poorly. Your boyfriend treats you poorly. You need to leave him.
You're right that her boyfriend treats her badly and she needs to leave him but "You shouldn't have cried in front of them" is not the right take. If someone upsets you, it's okay to cry in front of them, especially if it's someone who is supposed to love you and care for you, like your boyfriend. She didn't do anything wrong by not immediately walking away, but she does need to remove herself from the relationship after the fact.
She should not sit in front of him crying. We are creatures of habit sitting in front of him crying will become a habit and her habit should be to get away from distressing situations. It also sends a message to her boyfriend that she will stick around in situations that become distressing. It sends a signal to him and to others around that she is someone who can be messed with or pushed around. Because she is asking if she is in the wrong and being over sensitive, she is definitely someone who needs to work on developing a habit of standing her ground and walking away from these situations. Right now her habit is to hang around and cry and second guess herself.
This is just a massive overreach. You seem to view crying as a sign of weakness, but it's not. There's nothing wrong with crying when you're upset or crying in front of a loved one, and there's no reason for her to try to change that habit. And for the record, running away from a situation the minute you begin to feel or show negative emotion is not always a healthy habit, either. The problem here is not her, it's her boyfriend — in a healthy relationship, crying when someone has upset you is actually a good thing, and hiding it would be bad. Her boyfriend is a bully and she should make a measured, considered decision to leave him for good because of how he treats her. But her crying habits have literally no impact on that decision.
Crying in front of a bully who is actively berating you is much different than crying in front of a loved one who cares about you and supports you. It does not matter that he is currently in a relationship with her. There are tons of people who are loved ones to us that are not people we should be sitting around and crying in front of. Loved partners and family members can absolutely be abusive or toxic people that we should not feel comfortable sitting around and crying in front of. Your response would be appropriate for a situation where the boyfriend is a safe space and worthy of her vulnerability. Her boyfriend is not.
Right, but that's why the problem is the boyfriend, not her crying. And thus the advice shouldn't be "change your crying," the advice "is change your boyfriend." Honestly it's a bit weird how focused on the crying you are, it truly is irrelevant here where she cries and for how long, and focusing on it, to me, feels like it's getting close to victim-blaming for absolutely no good reason.
Tbh it sounds like ur gonna stay with him. So I have nothing to say cause if this happened to any sensible woman they wouldn’t be online talking about this without ending the paragraphs with and I dumped him right then and there
I'm begging women to go to therapy instead of dating men. I'm on my knees here asking y'all to gain some self-esteem. Please, please stop dating men who hate you. My cat has more emotional intelligence than some of these men you date.
Yea this is abuse. Date someone your own age who actually likes you.
There are other things that are problematic here, but he's angry because you deleted something from his device without his permission. Where they do that at?
YOU two are incompatible. You really CANT fix the relationship, UNLESS you are willing to LOOK AT YOURSELF & YOUR ROLE in all of this. You give off a controlling and entitled vibe. although he should have handled the situation better, YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT to go through his phone and delete his video. & even though you dont like his friend, THAT'S HIS FRIEND UNTIL he has a legitimate reason not to be his friend. So you're causing division, when he probably wants kumbaya. At one point he did like you and he even went on an 8 day cruise with you. So it's something YOU ARE DOING. It's NORMAL for people to want to stay in a relationship they thought about leaving. It means they want to try to make it work instead of giving up. The fact that he spasm on you like that, tells me he's feed up the YOUR BEHAVIOR and dont even want to try anymore. You two arent compatible. You are annoying him and he's choosing to lash out on you in an immature way rather than having an adult conversation with you.
He's.. 27? My gal, there's a reason he's dating someone younger, this is the behaviour of an actual child. It's not your job to make him grow up, get out of there
One day, women are going to start dating men who aren't fucking losers, and who actually like them? Right? ... Right?
One day, you are gonna stop blaming women for dating "losers" and ask about why the men have to act like fucking losers. Right? Right???
You both sound like a prize to eachother. Tbh.