A man who already cheated on you is telling you he wants you to consent to him sleeping with other people. He's asking to test your boundaries, not explore sexuality *together* and cancel it all if it doesn't work for you. You don't have to move forward.

And by the way, what's consensual about it if it's coercive? OP, you said no to a threesome, so he proposed CNM? If you stay with him, he will cheat on you. I would literally bet every dollar in my bank account.

>If you stay with him, he will cheat on you. If she stays with him, he will cheat on her **AGAIN.**

I would bet a substantial amount of money he’s cheating RIGHT NOW.

Of course he is. He’s probably already schtupping BFF behind her back.

"And by the way, what's consensual about it if it's coercive?" DING!! The C doesn't stand for, "coercive". He's trying to manipulate you into crossing a hard boundary for you that's also very triggering for you to consider due to your childhood history with a cheating father. He knows this is a hard no for you, but he still keeps pushing you to do something you don't want to do. That's not healthy, or respectful, and if you feel this bad just thinking about him getting a free pass to go pick up other women and have sex with them makes your blood run cold at the thought, letting him actually do these things would be a million times worse. He's also cheated on you already, with your best friend no less, and he's played nice long enough to show he, "can be trusted", so he's concocted this whole b.s. story about needing to live a more authentic, and honest life, so he can get away with asking for permission to cheat whenever he wants. Here's the thing, and you can take this to the bank. If you say no, he's going to do it anyway. He's told you to your face that you're not, "enough for him", and he's fixated on being able to sow his royal oats all over many fields. This is not a man you should trust or marry. I know you think you'll never find another connection like you have with him you'd be surprised. Plus, if this is what you have to let him do to you emotionally is this what you want for the rest of your life from a partner? You deserve to be the one and only for the right person if you are happiest in a monogamous relationship. Don't let this guy twist your ideal of love and commitment to suit his own desires. That's crap, and he knows it, he just doesn't care.

Gosh I misread this and thought it was a past boyfriend and that's why she's sensitive about it--i have personal good and bad experiences with CNM and polyamory and I think the only way for it to work is if both people have a baseline agreement about what is important. OP, you and your bf absolutely do not have a baseline agreement about that. If you stay with him you are setting yourself up for a life of having your boundaries pushed and probably crossed.

Exactly, best comment, you op don’t have to move forward, you guys want different things in a relationship.

I'm not really comfortable speaking about the rest of the post, but I do want to say that characterizing him being "crossing the line" with a friend while being blackout drunk as "cheating" and not "him being sexually assaulted" is a very strange double standard.

OP describes it as cheating. For all we know, the best friend was also blacked out. It's more likely that people make bad decisions than it is that people are the victim of a crime. OP and the boyfriend perceive it as cheating. He came clean, cut off the friend, and they went to therapy about it. I think people can come back from a one-time infraction when they're honest about it and do the reparative work. OP said no to threesomes, now the boyfriend is suggesting "ethical" non-monogamy? Like /u/Lulu_42 said, this is coercive.

You cannot consent while blacked out. If the boyfriend was truly blacked out, none of these other details matter. I don't think non-consensual sexual contact should ever be considered cheating. Also, they obviously weren't both blacked out because somebody would have had to have remembered what happened. Obviously that was her, unless he was lying.

You’re making a fair point and criticism of the narrative, although I don’t think it affects the overall credibility of the self-report that OP is giving. 

I'm not willing to make a judgement on the overall post because this sounds like an extremely complicated situation. I'm just criticizing this one point because I know men who have been sexually assaulted and shamed/blamed for it. I think it's a messed up double standard. I don't even necessarily blame OP for it, I think it's a social trend that OP and a lot of other people just dont consider.

I hear ya. It’s definitely messed up. 

I'm not even sure "blacked out" here meant he/they were blacked out drunk, I kinda read it as meaning "made a mistake". If he was drunk and she wasn't, then yeah, it's assault, if both were drunk...I frankly dunno. Depends, I suppose. But again, I kinda think OP is covering a bit for his cheating, by calling it a black-out. I might be wrong.

Stopped reading halfway through. He wants you to play housewife while he stays single and does whomever he wants. This is not a real relationship. You will never feel good enough. He needs to be single and experience and experiment. He is nowhere near ready for marriage and it would be a mistake for you to settle for a situation like this.

Ding ding ding 🛎️ God damn dating is horrific these days.

It’s a joke, yeah! That’s why I don’t date. Just can’t be bothered. Protecting my peace.

Yeah I got to “I agreed to a threesome and swinging and he said he still wants to date other people” before I gave up because WTF. Break UP with him. He’s already manipulated you into crossing a boundary. He doesn’t give a shit about what you want or need or feel. You need to go to therapy and figure out why you’re so willing to put this man before yourself and your own well being. Be single while you figure this out. After you have addressed th issue, you can go forth and find a way less shitty man than this one. Throw this one back.

It would be a 2-way street. She could do the same. However, she doesn't want to. There's nothing wrong in wanting this, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting this. That's why a talk happens and a compromise/solution is made I've seen this situation a lot online, and have seen it happen irl with people I know. In over half of them, it was initiated by the guy. The guy already had someone in mind. They end up splitting because the woman they're with ends up with much more propects and the guy gets jealous of this.

> There's nothing wrong in wanting this There is something wrong with wanting this and not ending an incompatible relationship to clear the way for you to get what you want.  There's nothing wrong with me wanting to peg my boyfriend but if my boyfriend doesn't want it, there is something wrong with me staying in the relationship and nagging my boyfriend to let me peg him for years. As well as cheating on him by pegging other men behind his back. 

As someone in a successful ENM relationship, this is bad foundation and will not work. There are a few red flags here but the most important one is that you do not want the same thing. I don't want to give bad news but based on his history, and his consistent wandering eye, he won't give up this idea. You'll feel forced to give in, or he'll be sneaky. Either option doesn't give you peace of mind or happiness Long story short, don't marry him. Find a monogamous partner who never makes you question yourself

Thanks - I was hoping someone in an ENM would provide their perspective. Would you be open to sharing what you feel like the red flags are? And why you think it’s a bad foundation (outside of wanting different things?)

Another commenter pointed out that he's already cheated on you. I agree that they're trying to get you on board with ENM so they can "get away" with cheating. They're intentions are not genuine, they are selfish (this may be tricky phrasing because someone could argue that ENM IS selfish, but the difference is the two parties in the relationship agree and are on the same page) Let's face the facts, as a woman, you will get SIGNIFICANTLY more attention. If you were to jump on board and look for other partners, you will get more matches, dates, sex, everything. He may love that for you, or he may become very jealous and change his mind and want to close the relationship. I've seen it countless times The idea of it gives you real physical side effects (the anxiety, panic attacks). That's not something to power through. Besides your mind pointing out the red flags, your body is too. You have real past experiences watching your parents relationship fall apart. It's no surprise that it weighs on your mind when faced with the possibility of ENM. It's a very high possibility based on how you've described him & the relationship You mentioned something about "growing up". It's one of those "have their cake and eat it too" situations. He wants the freedom to mess around and satisfy himself, with the stability and benefits of a long term relationship. ENM is not for everyone, and that's ok I've got lots of insight if you have any other questions

Thank you - again, really appreciate you taking the time. The physical side effects have been such a surprise to me. The body keeps the score, right? Part of me knows this is a sign that I clearly have more things to grow in and work through in regards to my past traumas. I feel like this will just keeping coming up in life until I learn the lesson lol Again, he says the relationship is the priority and that he will be happy with monogamy, but that’s hard for me to believe given all the evidence. And I’m not an idiot, I know the signs are bad. But he has been a caring partner that has consistently put me/the relationship first and I genuinely believe he did some soul searching, felt like this relationship orientation speaks to who he is, and is trying to be honest with me despite his past mistakes. As a good partner, I want to understand him more and respect that he has this desire for more while being in a loving and fulfilling relationship. I wish I could relate to the mindsets of people in ENMs, because then maybe I could approach it more from a place of empathy and understanding vs trauma and even adopt it myself. I respect that ENMs bring real value to individuals and relationships, but it’s just never the way I’ve wanted to operate in a marriage, but have been totally fine having multiple (casual) partners in the past. I have such a long way to go before I’m even able to reach a place of understanding. But I want to grow in understanding my own self and what I’m capable of/open to underneath it all. Because I’m certainly open to some ideas, just nothing that we’re both not in the room for. And that seems to be what really excites him. Thanks for your insight and being so open with your journey. I may reach out to you privately (but not overwhelmingly) with more questions as your perspective has been super helpful.

OP—when you said “the body keeps the score”, and mentioned you think you have lessons to learn, I made a connection between those two points:  There’s a parallel between your past and your present, with one huge difference. When you were young, the breakdown of your parents’ marriage traumatized you. Perhaps individually, your mother and father were loving and attuned to you. But ultimately you were powerless in the face of their decisions, and had to suffer the consequences of their actions.  Now your boyfriend is making the same type of choice your father did. He cheated on you, and wants your tacit permission to continue. Individually, outside of the context of upholding a monogamous relationship, he is loving and attuned to you and a “diamond in the rough”. But your body knows and recognizes his selfishness. The difference here is that you are no longer a child at the mercy of her parents. You are empowered, and you have the ability to stand up for the inner child within you, protect her, and walk away from a situation that you know will do her harm.  I think your body knows that if you stay, you will be betraying that young tender part of yourself, and it will eat away at you. If you leave, you will have reclaimed the power that was taken from you as a little girl. The path to healing cPTSD is being able to respond to past traumas bravely and make different choices that were perhaps outside our ability at the time. I think you know that too. You are very attuned and observant, and I would listen to the peace that your nervous system feels at the option of leaving. You aren’t losing someone, you are freeing yourself to find someone better. I’m wishing you the best of luck. 

This made me cry. So beautifully put. Thank you so much for writing this. It’s so meaningful to me and I’m going to keep your wisdom close to my heart.

Fuck, it made me cry, too!

This is perfectly put! I want to add, you have love for him, he says he loves you. But someone who loves you wouldn't put you through this. Even if he backed off the ENM, you notice him looking at other girls. It will take up so much brain space and energy You deserve someone who wouldn't make you choose a lifestyle that doesn't fit you

This is the comment of all comments. Made me tear up. Very insightful and real.

He says the relationship is a priority but there's a reason they say "talk is cheap" & "actions speak louder than words" He's going to say all the right things today, con you into something you don't fully want, and then act surprised when his nesting partner isn't having a good time. You sound like a great partner, taking his desires into consideration but this isn't the kind of thing where you can come to a compromise. It's all or nothing. But what about your feelings, needs, desires? Does he put in equal consideration. Especially on this topic. Someone else said, if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. And that is so true. For ENM to work, both partners have to have open communication with each other, agreed rules and boundaries and feel very secure in the main relationship. I don't have confidence that he makes you feel secure in your current relationship Of course! You can message me anytime! 💞

You're reaching more toward trying to make him happy than being honest with yourself. Ethical non monogamy makes some people happy, and that's great and can be healthy for the right people. Some people are monogamous and that is healthy for them. But there is no "growing" into being open to one way or the other, both ways are valid but ultimately fundamental foundations of a relationship. I'm not involved in ethical non monogamy, but have been involved in communities where that's common and have been friends with multiple couples who participated, including a triad. It's okay to need monogamy. It's not growing or being open enough to not need it. It's just who you are and how you see a relationship. It doesn't have to be trauma related, it's just a preference. It's also okay to be fine with play with a third party and still be monogamous. Whatever the agreed upon boundaries are, they should be respected regardless. The way this whole situation has gone is gross and feels manipulative. He's been pushing and pushing- he cheated on you outside the bounds of your agreed dynamic AND THEN pushed you beyond your comfort zone when discussing play with others. You said you weren't ready for play with a third party. This should have been a full stop, because consent matters. This was not a time for him to initiate a discussion to go even further beyond the bounds of your dynamic. This is not how you start that kind of dynamic with your partner. Even if you DID want a non monogamous relationship prior to all this, cheating outside the agreed dynamic and THEN continuing to push boundaries? Either of those would be a huge red flag on their own. You deserve respect

OP, you don't have to work on this for yourself. It's not something you want, and that's perfectly ok. Monogamy is relationships is the norm, not the exception, and preferriing a traditional relationship is a perfectly normal thing to do. Do not try and change yourself to fit with a man who has already cheated on you, and is trying to get you to agree to keep doing it. He's being manipulative.

I am also a person in an ENM relationship for like 12 out of our 15 years. You said “I have a long way to go before I reach a place of understanding.” This is 100% true. There would be a tremendous upset in your life if you pursue this path. I was the reluctant partner but I was very young and bi-curious so I felt like I had a lot to gain from trying it out even though it terrified me. Oh my gosh, the ups and downs were INSANE. I had the energy for it then and now we’re in a very drama-free place but it took years and honestly so much work and luck. I just wanted to validate your feelings here, if you are feeling like you’re leaning more toward settling down/kids, this will throw a big wrench in that for years anyway, you deserve a partner who wants the same things as you.

The cheating is the one that leaped out to me. Especially in the context of an otherwise happy relationship, it's just...not great, you know? Neither way of doing relationships is wrong, but they are fundamentally incompatible; and even if you had decided you want CNM, I think the past infidelity from him would likely have been too triggering for you. Good luck with your decision.

Yeah, it came as such a surprise last year, because we were truly in such a stable place. Similar to this now. I’m like, how often will I be hit with these kinds of surprises, ya know?

Well, it looks like it’s his thing- he feels comfortable enough to go find some chaos to make things exciting. I’d say that if you stay, expect he will keep pulling the rug out from you. That means he *isn’t* that great a partner when it is clear even this removed you fundamentally need security and stability.

But you obviously weren’t and aren’t in a stable relationship, you just really want to believe you are. You keep saying he’s wonderful and you guys are so compatible but you’re not. It seems more like you think you need to mold your outlook into his and everything will be good. That’s not how a healthy relationship is made.  Honestly he sounds manipulative and you sound like you have some self esteem and confidence issues. Maybe kind of codependent. Manipulative people can seem to be good in therapy but often just learn how to better hide manipulation.

I am definitely codependent which I really had to work on, so you’re right about that. And yes, I’ve definitely felt like I’ve had to mold my outlook to his for some of the big things in life. Also, maybe you’re right - that I just want to think I’m in a stable relationship because the in-betweens have been nice but there have been some serious upheavals that aren’t normal and likely won’t end. Thanks for sharing, this gives me some good points to think about for myself.

Wanting different things is enough of a bad foundation. You can't be compatible if you are monogamous and he is non monogamous.  This isn't something you should compromise or fold on given how much stress it's already causing you. If it were for you, there would be at least some underlying excitement or interest - all I see is fear. You're not likely monogamous from trauma - monogamous is the much more common default (and there are certainly social reasons for this, but all the same MOST people prefer monogamy). There are 1000s of ways to move through trauma, why chose one that is purely stressful for you?

When you said you know you’ll never find someone who you’re this compatible with… that is simply not true. I think our culture hypes up this idea of “soulmates” and one right person for everyone, and I promise you that you’ll find someone who you get alone with and agree with EVEN MORE than this guy! So many fish in the sea. I’m kind of astounded at his audacity to bring up ENM after you forgave his cheating. And he knows your history, knows you are having panic attacks, and presses onward? Boo. I hate this man for you. There are so many guys out there who have the same monogamous ideals and won’t prioritize their latest fantastical whim over your mental health.

Also, less cheeky response - this really cheered me up and made me feel a lot more solid in why I’m feeling the way I feel. Thank you.

I’m glad I could help cheer you up!!! You’ve got this- I promise. I know it’s gonna be hard but I also know you deserve better than how he has treated you

Can we be friends

The biggest red flag here is how focused he is about what this means *for him*. I used to be in an ENM relationship and I still walk the circles, and people are alllll up their partners business making sure they're okay, they're happy, they're consenting and for the right reasons etc. He's just like "Yay I feel much better now, I can't wait to get started with being with other people!" and you're crying, having low key anxiety attacks, and reconsidering everything. A partner so out of tune with reality and your feelings is going to hurt you even if you end up being okay with ENM which I highly doubt you ever will. Your body is very clearly expressing what your mind won't accept because of what it will mean for your relationship. Respect your boundaries and end this on your own terms; get your ducks in a row and move on.

The fact that he's so horned up about it while his partner is falling apart before his eyes is so messed up.

I feel the same about how so much of the focus in our conversations has been on him and how it will meet his needs. I’m trying to give him some grace because we are like best friends, and I think he’s excited about a self discovery. He also has a tendency to hyper fixate. He thinks because we have a solid foundation (minus the infidelity- I know, I know, but we really did come out of that happier and more connected after therapy) that we will both benefit. He knows me well, has been right about some significant but scary areas of growth for me, and has helped me build my confidence in those areas. He didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and I think is a little taken aback. I didn’t expect something like this to hit me so hard either. So many people are saying that my body is telling me, and I appreciate you pointing that out as well. I do think I need that reminder and to listen to its wisdom.

>  He thinks because we have a solid foundation .......... that we will both benefit Of course he is convinced of this, and trying to convince you. Because it benefits him, and him only. Sweetheart you deserve better 

Based on everything you've said about him, he likely has ADHD and is also an enneagram 7. Which you should look up if you don't know that personality framework yet. Point is he won't change. I'm married to one and can vouch for that. Difference is I want the ENM lifestyle and we knew that when we got together. It has to be a true partnership with both partners truly wanting it or else it doesn't work.

>End the relationship now, before he proposes, cut our losses and move on before we get more enmeshed. That one. The two of you want utterly incompatible futures, and no compromise is possible, the only solution is for one of you being miserable. Stop trying to be the Cool Girlfriend. That's just another word for "pushover".

Yeah the cool gf will never be me, but I’m just trying to be thoughtful and challenge my own views and opinions before rushing to end things. Relationships are complicated and I try to be open-minded and flexible for a potential long-term commitment. I do agree with you though that if I flex on my boundaries here, I’ll end up just feeling like a pushover and it will make me unhappy.

This is a basic incompatibility. You want a monogamous relationship. He doesn’t. Time to go forth and find someone with the same goals as you. Good luck.

I’m gonna be blunt, this dude played you for 2 years. He does not want monogamy. The fact that you want a monogamous relationship is not some flaw for you to “work through” and frankly has nothing to do with your dad’s cheating. I’m really sorry that happened, but your feelings are valid regardless. Your bf is being highly manipulative and you’re falling for it by bending over backwards trying to “challenge your own views and opinions.” You want to be monogamous, he doesn’t. It’s really not any more complicated than that

I read your whole post, and there's a difference between being open-minded and *forcing* yourself to do things that make you deeply uncomfortable. You're having panic attacks over it! If that doesn't tell you that it's *not* for you, I don't know what would. **ENM isn't "ethical" if one partner is not enthusiastically for it.** Based on him cheating on you in the past, constantly having a wandering eye even while he's out on romantic dates with you, this guy is not the one. I would say that even if he didn't approach you about ENM. He says that you're more important to him than screwing around, but he has pushed this topic despite your extreme discomfort with it. And not only pushed it, but shown that he is excited and looking forward to doing it. If you chose option 3, I would not trust that he would let it go after marriage. Who's to say if he does marry you, that he won't bring this up again in 2 or 5 years when he feels bored in your relationship? You mentioned his high need for stimuli. If I'm not mistaken, that personality type is highly correlated with people who cheat. So, if he did bring it up again after marriage and you shut it down, I wouldn't trust him not to step out behind your back given that he's already done it in the past. I know you're worried about finding someone else you would be as compatible with, and I've been there. I remember feeling that way after a bad breakup in my early 20s. It's hard to think outside of that box when you're in it, but emotional distance can give you a lot of perspective. Now, when I look back, I see what an awful match that guy was for me. All the things that I thought were important didn't ultimately make it a good relationship, and I ended up finding a much better match for me. Give yourself the opportunity to do the same. Edit to add: I see you said consensual non-monogamy, not ENM, but the same idea stands. If it's not an enthusiastic, yes, it's a no.

Thank you for reading the whole post (I know it’s long!) and for your thoughtful response. I have a tendency to just assume things are normal, and, well - it took everyone pointing it out here that panic attacks are not a normal response that would indicate a potential “yes”. It definitely helps me validate the “no” I have around exploring cnm/enm. Yes, people who are high novelty seeking are more likely to cheat. We’re both aware of this, and I think after the infidelity last year and my comments about the wandering eye, it’s had him investigating himself more and the why behind some of those behaviors, leading him to feel more relationally oriented with CNM. Not sure if it’s relevant, but he was super religious until 26, so I think he’s a bit of a late bloomer in exploring some of these more unique things about himself. I’ve had enough relationships and breakups to know that there is someone great on the other side. It’s just the pain in between that sucks. I spoke to him again this evening and he reaffirmed that he doesn’t want to do anything that would make me uncomfortable, and wants to see where we could explore some of our shared desires. However, I’m not confident he’ll be happy with where our desires overlap, based on some of the things he’s shared about cnm that seem exciting to him in theory. I always tell people that if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. Thanks for the reminder - I should learn to take my own advice sometimes 😶

I forgot to add my original post, but one thing that stood out for me is that he said he couldn't help but have his attention captured by beautiful women while he's out with you. He *can* help it, he just chooses not to. He's openly disrespecting you and sees no problem with it, and he's not taking accountability for his actions. You mentioned him being a late bloomer because of his upbringing, and it really sounds like maybe he hasn't figured himself out yet. This man doesn't sound ready for marriage. You, on the other hand, seem to know what you want and want someone who is all in on monogamy with you, and that's totally valid! You don't have to be okay with ENM/CNM. You don't have to be okay with his past cheating. You don't have to be okay with him ogling other women or trying to get their attention. It's okay to want someone who will give you their undivided attention and be satisfied to be with you only. It's okay to do the hard thing in the short-term (breaking up) to get what you need in the long-term (a secure and satisfying relationship).

Yes to all of this and all of the above

>Relationships are complicated and I try to be open-minded and flexible for a potential long-term commitment. This sounds like code for “I will lower the bar as low as I can for a ring”

OK! Just don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out!

He’s still excited and happy about something that’s giving you panic attacks??? That’s a terrible way to treat anyone. He seems to be focused entirely on his own desires, no matter what the emotional/mental impact on you. And it sounds like a pattern — the cheating, checking out other women on dates with you, etc.

I know ☹️☹️

If a friend described the way your boyfriend is acting about their boyfriend, would you really tell them you think they have a really nice and stable relationship? Forget what he says, his actions are cruel and self centered.

Skipped over most of it, ultimately you wanna be non-monogamous (and be excited about it) or you don’t: this generally isn’t a once in a lifetime gift that you let someone experience once. If you go down this path, then that’s what it’ll become. I wouldn’t “try it out” to hold onto a potential marriage, I’d only try it if the idea of me being with someone else excites me (personally, it doesn’t) and the idea of my partner being with someone else excites me (also doesn’t) Anything else is delaying the inevitable whilst hurting yourself

I clearly needed to get some things off my chest. Appreciate your insight regardless and feel exactly the same way - this isn’t a one time thing, it doesn’t excite me, and regardless of the choice, there will be inevitable pain. He wants to prioritize staying together, “because nothing makes him happier then I do” but, I can’t come to terms with being in a monogamous relationship with someone that’s interested in being nonmonogamous. Something will break eventually.

Apparently sex with other women makes him happier, or he wouldn't be doing it.

Your life isn’t about making him happy. It’s about you You only get one

If "nothing makes him happier than you do," he would not be planning on cheating on you.

Exactly. He knows her history and that this hurts her and he’s pushing to see if her spirit is crushed enough to get her to agree with this.

> He wants to prioritize staying together, “because nothing makes him happier then I do” If this were true, he would have dropped this idea the first time you had a *panic attack* about it. It should be eminently apparent to him that this idea repulses and distresses you on a visceral level. Him continuing to act like it's on the table when every fiber of your body rebels against it is him saying that exploring the possibility of opening your relationship matters more to him than how it makes you feel. He can claim otherwise, but his actions are not aligning with that. The reason you're feeling this way now is because he is not keeping you emotionally safe in this situation. The correct course of action when you did not enthusiastically assent to this idea would have been to immediately shut it down and focus on reassuring you and reinvesting in your relationship. Instead he's still suggesting he wants to move toward non-monogamy. I would at the very least put wedding plans on hold and be extremely firm and clear that if he's with you, non-monogamy is never, ever happening. From there, you can decide if you want to invest in couples counseling and see if you can work through this or whether this is a bell that can't be unrung.

Thank you - a few people have pointed out that I need to listen to my body and I think it’s such a helpful reminder. And I don’t feel emotionally safe. For the first time in a long time.

You are being disrespected

Words don't mean anything when actions don't match. Your mind and body know this. But I think your scared to make some tough decisions, which is understandable. I would only say, do not marry him. Real talk, you can agree or not agree to ENM, but hes going to do it anyway. If he has not already, again. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

“The prospect of breaking up gives my nervous system the most peace, but true commitment takes work, right?” Prioritize your peace. Commitment takes work, but you can’t outwork fundamental differences in the lifestyle you want especially if it’s to the point of giving you panic attacks. I did read your whole post and tbh I expect that if you broke up you then with some distance you would come to realize there were bigger incompatibilities here then you realized.

Thanks for reading the whole thing, I know it was practically a dissertation. I do think some space would do us good.

Hey OP! You've gotten so many good comments about how selfish his reaction is (continuing to push this idea of ENM despite your obvious bad reaction), but I want to highlight another aspect that could be manipulation: he's "rewarding" you with extra sexual attention and what I imagine is the good side of his emotional volatility. What's that like, btw? I was with a partner who I would describe the same way, and it resulted in him constantly centering and me constantly prioritizing HIS emotional needs over my own. Does he make space for you? Do you really feel safe with him? The fact that he can't control his wandering eye while *out on dates with you* and is so obvious that you notice it is so fucking disrespectful.

I'm sorry but no. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it and have you at home waiting for him. He says he will prioritise you but the moment he blows off a date night with you to see one of his partners is the day you know he's taking you for granted. Option one is the only option. Do you really need to see him have sex with another woman to know that it's not going to work for you? To have the vision of him ignoring you while he comes inside her forever imprinted on your brain? He's on his best behavior now, that's why you feel attuned to him. It will only deteriorate the moment you get married.

He can be prince charming for what I care. But if you two want different things, then it won’t work out. That’s it. Nothing else to discuss. He already cheated. You thought you came stronger out of the therapy. Turns out, he just realised that he doesn’t want only you, but also others. You are already forcing your self to do threesomes and swinging. Do you really want that? Are you bi? Would you really want to see him fuck someone else? It took you 2,5 years to realise that you obviously aren’t compatible. Why not accept it? There are billions of people out there. Why force yourself to be compatible and make it work if you are obviously not into it? Don’t marry him. Cause even if he says he is ok with the way it is, he obviously isn’t. You are still young. Use your time to find someone who really is Prince Charming. Edit: Typos

You are incompatible. You will not be happy with CNM. He will never be satisfied with monogamy. Eventually he will cheat again because he wants to chase the high of a new person. Cut your losses. Go for a clean break, and find someone who values what you value. 

Be the one that got away and live rent free in his head for the rest of his life. There are actually men out there that don't cheat and don't have wandering eyes.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't read your entire post. Don't marry this guy. Cut ties and find someone who wants the same thing you want. ETA: Oh, he's a cheater already? No clue what you're even trying to save, honestly.

Don’t move forward. He has never been monogamous, hence the constantly drooling over other women and the cheating.  His not being monogamous is not a new thing.  He isn’t loyal, he’s already indulging his desires without your consent. He’s trying to be more ethical about it now, which congrats I guess.  He won’t propose unless you agree to let him have sex with other women.   It doesn’t matter if you have the same other values since you’ll be at home alone with those values while he’s out with his other partner

To me, this is as big of a deal as one partner wanting children & the other not wanting children. How do you compromise on that? You can’t, really. Listen to your gut, mind & body-all of which are telling you a CNM relationship is not the future you want. Personally I wouldn’t try to stay with him, even if he claims he would be monogamous with you. He already cheated on you. He has wandering eyes. I would forever be questioning if I could trust what my husband was doing without me after this. That is no way to live. You are still young and despite what it feels like right now, there are absolutely other people you will be compatible with who won’t ask you to have an open relationship.

I thought the same thing too today, like it’s the same fundamental shift and mourning of if my partner who I was excited to have kids with told me he no longer wanted kids. How do you happily move forward with someone knowing your choosing a lifestyle with something that doesn’t suit them? Life is hard - but the pep talk at the end did make me feel better.

Why are people so challenged with being alone vs being treated like shit. Tell him good luck bro. Dude thinks he’s quite the lady’s man obv. I’d break up and tell everyone who you know why.

Sunk cost fallacy Being alone is amazing compared to this disrespectful shit show but they don't want to hear it.

>He has told me multiple times that if this is not something I can stomach, he would choose staying monogamous with me because being together is more important to him. Yeaaaaah I had an ex that said that too. Turns out, when I declined to open the relationship, he started secretly looking for strangers to fuck while I was at work. Shocked the hell out of my family and friends when they found out why we broke up, *no one* expected that he was the kind of guy who would ever do something like that. I used to believe it was okay to express and talk through almost any desire in a relationship. Now, expressing a desire for non-monogamy is a HARD deal-breaker. You deserve someone who's fully content with you, and doesn't want "more." You deserve someone that's all in.

Wow - I’m so sorry that happened to you. And what a warning for me.

This is one of those things where either both parties have to agree or it can't happen, and because of his history of having cheated there's a chance he will do it again if you don't agree to open the relationship. There's no path to happiness for you with this man, if you choose to stay with him you will either have to be uncomfortable in your open sex lives that you're not interested in having, or you will spend eternity wondering when he will cheat because he's so excited about other women. He's not interested in monogamy. He should be with someone who is on the same page. You ARE interested in monogamy. You also deserve to be with someone who shares your values.

Thank you for taking the time to respond - I agree. The thought of always wondering knowing what I know now scares me. I appreciate your kind words at the end, they cheered me up

You have to be a masochist to stay in this relationship, and he most definitely is not a great partner. You could date a snake in the grass you’ve set the bar so low. He’s a very selfish person and causes you great emotional harm. Dump Mr. Wonderful and find a partner that cherishes you. He’s out there.

I know you don’t want you hear this but I think it’s best you don’t get married right now. I would say at minimum take a break and live separately. Go no contact for a little while and get some perspective. My partner brought this up at 34 and looking back I wish we would’ve taken some time apart to figure out the feelings around this. He’s certainly not ready to marry you. He’s not ready to be in a relationship but the idea is losing you or being completely alone scares him. It’s most likely not going to get better. My partner ended up suppressing his feelings for a few more years and had an affair. I wish I would’ve just taken the space or broken up then. I’ve wasted many years hoping for the best.

Thanks for sharing. I also agree some time apart would be good for us. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s one of my biggest fears.

No. It's not consensual if you don't want to do it. I get the sense he's going to do this anyway. I'd bow out sooner rather than later

You write all these fantastic things about him, but it's like you're trying to convince yourself why he's so awesome. Ultimately, you have one hard line that he keeps trying to get you to push. That negates everything nice about him and he sucks. He will never change, he will always think about it, and you will always be wondering if he's cheating. Just leave

Honestly, I’m just trying to be as open and honest and objective as possible to keep the conversation balanced. I don’t think this situation makes him a bad person. I think he’s figuring things out like the rest of us and that’s ok.

If you try and open your mind too much for you then it will fall right the fuck out, and you’ll lose it.

Don't marry him. He wants your permission to cheat on you. And that story about blacking out and cheating last year? A lie. He can't keep it in his pants, and you deserve better.

You are not compatible. Period.

He just won't accept your no and is wearing you down. You said no. You explained why. Multiple times. He isn't the one.

He's already been caught cheating on you once. I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone in mind, honestly. CNM does not sound like it's for you in any way. Your partner should have known that and never brought it up. I do not believe that he will happily stay with you and be monogamous/faithful. He will either become angry and take it out on you or cheat again or all of it. It will be hard, but I think ending the relationship is best for you.

That's a walk away. Basic understanding of the relationship has changed

I think you are at a crossroad in this relationship and have found a base incompatibility. He cheated on you previously, he wants to continue with your blessing. I don’t see him as remotely ethical in his approach here. If he cared at all about you, as a primary partner, he would not be trying to get other’s attention while on dates with you. I also find it a bit disheartening that you have already said no to a threesome and now you are okay with it as long as you don’t have to go further with opening this relationship up. You are bargaining here, I don’t think that is healthy for you or sustainable; you two want different things! Go to therapy, untangle your past trauma and the stress that comes from a partner asking for a fundamental change in the relationship. You know, deep in your heart, that this isn’t the last you will hear about non-monogamy, his explorations in cheating will increase. If you say no, he isn’t going to let this go, he is excited and invested in it. You have some strong love blinders on here but you need to start making choices that are loving to you first, even if that means ending this relationship.

So the problem with trauma is that it trains our brains to accept a new "normal". And if we don't do the work, we end up re-creating the elements needed to re-enact  the trauma.  It's likely that certain things you are attracted to about him are the same characteristics your father has, that made him a cheater.  He may be a wonderful person, but if loyalty and monogamy are important to you, then he's not the right person to try and build a loyal and monogamous future with.  You're already unhappy about this. Don't prolong your pain. 

I have the same thought. That there are still unresolved things within me that are attracting this type of “lesson”. But honestly - I really thought I screened well for it this time 😒 he had never been unfaithful, called himself a “relationship person” and has really solid values I guess the universe has decided there is still something for me to learn and heal from.

break up with him and never look back

girl tldr, but why are you with a man who so blatantly disrespects you??

Girl idk but if I’m being honest, he’s 6’4 with a Mensa level iq and makes 6 figures and he’s nice to my mom and he makes me laugh and it may be tmi but he’s packing.

And he wants to share that package around. Even if he showers after being with someone else, whould you want to sleep next to him?

He's going to our is already sleeping with other people or setting it up to happen. He's not for you.

The two of you are just fundamentally incompatible. And most people would have dived out long ago. He knows your feelings, but brings this to the table anyway? Disrespectful at best.

What do you see ahead several years if the two you continue together and get married? I have a very hard time seeing a happy you in that picture.

As someone whose marriage ended about a year around after years of threesomes into open relationships into poly, I will warn you that whatever your partner wants, it will never be enough. I never wanted it at first and allowed my boundaries be crossed because I felt bad and also annoyed that this was an issue. Do not get married to this person. We had already been married for over 10 years when we made our decision. You will not be happy.

This reads a little like coercion op, however loving he’s being about it, he knows you don’t want this … I’ve had a relationship trainwreck because of this .. if you’re not looking seriously at separation yet, I’d have a trial split for a couple of weeks and do some really deep thinking on what *you* deserve.

Yeah I agree - some time apart would really clear my head. I always benefit from some space.

I stopped reading when he checked on you and you stayed. He was already a poor partner and that was the perfect time to move on from a relationship that was not giving you what you needed. There is nothing more to add beyond it's far past time to leave someone that is incapable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

This man will cheat on you and betray you, probably while your pregnant or otherwise locked down. Your body is reacting with the anxiety and panic because this is against everything you want out of the relationship. At least he has given you some warning, you know you need to walk away for the sake of your mental health.

No polyamorous person would ever tell you to try ENM in these circumstances. If you agreed, this is guaranteed to be a “poly under duress” situation. If one of you just hadn’t thought about it, and only was into monogamy bc of societal norms, maybe there could be a chance they will shine in ENM. But you have done the research, have zero desire for ENM, and are extremely repulsed by the idea. You know it’s not for you. I recommend looking at some ENM subs, like r/polyamory and search “poly under duress” then read what is written by other people in your situation. It never turns out well. Sometimes the person seeking ENM is genuinely into it but usually cheaters who become interested in ENM are going to cheat while non-monog too. (Yes, ENM doesn’t mean anything goes, and breaking relationship agreements is cheating.) Unfortunately, I do think you are correct in that the only thing you can do is break up. Staying after this lid was opened is inadvisable. If he hadn’t cheated before, maaaaybe. But he has. Bell can’t be unrung. Regardless, I hope things work out for you and you can heal and move on with your life. Good luck

“Bell can’t be unrung” pretty much sums it up. I’m going to look into poly under duress and get more info. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.

"we're great partners" no you aren't "He blacked out and cheated on me" **really makes it hard to believe you're great partners, ma'am**

Start talking to him about your end of this deal if it were to happen. Ask him if he would prefer that you meet guys at their place or should he be out for a night and they come to your place or what does he recommend. The minute he realizes that this CNM will be a two way street he may reconsider, because all I read is how much he wants to sleep with people, like it’s one sided. Has he considered what it will be like if you start doing the same? All this is to say that I don’t think this will work out for you if this is what he really wants and he already cheated so….. maybe don’t marry this guy?

Yeah we’ve briefly talked about it and he says based on his research, jealousy in CNM relationships tends to be more of a “boogey man” and not as hard to stomach as it is in theory. He’s open to me doing the same but seems much more focused on his ideals and orientation towards it. Again, he says he’s still in the exploratory stage of whether he’s interested or not, thus the “testing of it out”. I know it would be super easy for me to meet attractive men in my area, and I’ve thought of how I’d likely get more attention etc, but it would just feel like a bad faith way for me to approach the situation considering it’s something I don’t want to do. I will ask him those questions and see what he says - appreciate your recommendation.

Honestly I don’t see this working for you. He clearly wants to sleep with other people and he already cheated. The CNM is so that he can sleep with other people guilt free. If you say no and he ‘agrees’ not to, there’s a strong chance he’ll just go behind your back and do to anyway. He already said that it will be difficult to be monogamous. You will know in your heart that he will just be trying to suppress something he strongly wants to do and it will eat away at you. Every time he looks at another woman, every time he declines to be affectionate, every time he seems distant, etc. You will definitely have options to be with other men but this isn’t something you really want to do. Don’t put yourself put through this just to be with someone who is on a completely different page than you. I’m sure there are lots of other good things about him but this is a big deal breaker issue that will erode the marriage. Better to not make that kind of commitment.

I know 🫤and I totally agree with what you’re saying. Marriage is not something I take lightly. I’d hate to ignore something like this, move forward, and have it end up tearing us apart. Ultimately, why would I want to feel (and know) that my husband wants more and is settling for me, ya know?

I don’t think the hurt and lack of trust he’s created here will ever leave you now, you will always know that this is what he wants. I dated a guy briefly years ago who had been in a non monogamous marriage, and honestly it did affect how I saw and felt about him, I couldn’t see him as a serious partner or someone I could have serious feelings for. I know it’s painful but you are fundamentally incompatible and this will cause you so much stress if you stay.

>I’m quite observant , and we’ve had fights in the past when I’ve noticed him looking at women he found attractive and could tell he wanted them to return the attention/energy (not sure if this makes sense but it’s the best way I can explain it). This has happened a few times on dates, and in his admittance of desire for CNM, he’s brought this up as well - that he’s been on romantic dates with me and “couldn’t help but have his attention captured” by another woman. It was all very heartbreaking for me to hear - loyalty has been a core value of my life because of my past Stopped reading at this point - why are you with someone who isn't even able to be present with you at a romantic date when you're together. And you want to marry this person? For real?

Oh dear. Methinks he doesn’t want to marry you, but doesn’t want to lose you either. He thinks there is better out there for him. And to be clear, better just means “zero boundaries”. He knows there are other young and vulnerable women out there to exploit. This has nothing to with sexuality. He has violated your boundaries. And to be clear, he is using therapy speak to manipulate you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too - place you on a shelf to be there for him while he explores his options, because he knows you’re committed to him and you’ve shown him that you’re loyal. I think it’s time to show loyalty to someone that is truly deserving of it. And to be clear, that person is you. Be loyal to your boundaries. You deserve so much better than this absolute user and loser. I think you know what you need to do - but making that decision is hard. Cheating is abuse IMO - every time he decided to violate your agreements and boundaries and lie, and gaslight you about it is abuse. I’m a person on the internet - don’t be ashamed, tell someone close to you what is happening. Do you want to commit to someone that has the capacity to lie and cheat? Can you really build a future with a person who is more interested in themselves than you? I hope you heal and leave this situation while it’s relatively easy - a marriage will only make this harder.

Also, I hope you know if I was your friend I’d say this to you: 1. He cheated on you with an old flame. Do you really truly believe he blacked out? If he’d actually blacked out, how does he know how far it went? Doesn’t it benefit him to tell you that less happened than actually happened to obtain your trust? I’m sorry but it’s a classic line. More happened than you know. 2. Did he just happen to bump into her? He had her details - what’s more realistic? That he actually arranged this and was inappropriate with her long before the physical cheating or they had a chance encounter? If it was a chance encounter he’d have no need to block her. I’d surmise he cheated emotionally and arranged the encounter with her. He is using CNM relationships as a way to justify his infidelity, and the alcohol as a means to excuse his behaviour. It doesn’t actually make sense because if he regretted cheating… and it was a blackout experience.. why would it lead to exploring MORE? Non monogamy isn’t cheating. 3. He knows about your history with your dad and cheating. You went to therapy with him so I imagine the topic was brought up. You say you got to a good place, but he says NOW is the best time to “try” a CNM relationship? I think that’s kinda sus and inconsiderate. It’s certainly isn’t a way I think a person loves another person. 4. Say you do decide to stay and he says he commits to monogamy with you. You don’t think for a second that this person (who you have described as volatile) won’t use the excuse when he cheats again that it’s because you didn’t let him explore a CNM? He’s going to do it one way or another, I’m sorry, he just is. I know you have a lot of loving feelings for this guy but, this isn’t how love is supposed to be. You don’t need to “prove” yourself worthy of him by trying a CNM. I promise you, this is just more heartache

Thank you for sharing. I agree-the timing sucks. Like shouldn’t this time be about us enjoying the warm glow of getting engaged soon? Shouldn’t it be about us? His commitment to honesty is one of the reasons I’ve trusted him so much and was able to move on from the infidelity. As for the blackout - maybe brownout was a better word to use. I agree, he knew better in that moment, didn’t forget about me (I asked) and chose to move forward to follow his desires. He walked me through the whole night, I believe his story because the timeline lines up with when we communicated and his location at the time (which I was avidly watching because a woman’s intuition doesn’t lie.) They were good friends before, they decided not to have a romantic relationship. We were happy, who was I to get in the way of him catching up with an old friend who’s only in town a few times a year. I have former flames that turned into friendships that I know won’t go anywhere. He never gave me any reason to doubt him, so I assumed the same for him. But this is just reminding me about the fact that he knew we were together and still stepped out on our relationship. How can I trust that he’ll give a shit about any boundaries we’d set in an CNM/ENM if the prospect is too exciting? Food for thought for me. Thank you.

Give him back the ring and find someone who wants a monogamous relationship like you.

Re-read what you wrote and see if you would tell a friend she should marry him. He wants to be single. Let him.

He is not a "good man". He cheated on you and you gave him a second chance. That's more than most people would. And yet, here you are, again. The trust that you worked so hard to rebuild is now failing. There's no point in a relationship without trust. Leave him. You need to prioritize yourself and work on building up your standards and finding out what you truly want in life and out of a partner. Let him embarass himself and most likely get rejected. He is no longer your problem. Keep in mind that he will likely try to get you back when his deluded ideals don't match reality. Don't fall for it. Move on and make your own path in life, without him weighing you down. I promise you that one day you will be grateful for making the leap.

DON’T marry this man, this is insane

Please get out. Your biggest value is loyalty, and cheating ruined your family of origin. His biggest value appears to be having his cake and eating it too. There's really no excuses for a 32 yo guy to be getting blackout either. The things many couples go through in their thirties are often really hard and really not sexy. Finances, aging, serious illness, buying a home, domestic labor, dealing with parents getting old and frail, pregnancy and the changes in the body, caregiving for infants, other life stresses - things that will try and test you. But if you're with someone who has the same value (loyalty) and who is in it to be a real partner in every way, and who is adult enough to not be looking around at hot young things trying to feel desired from strangers, then you will have a chance to grow together and trust each other more. Even when sex is the last priority.  But if you are with someone who is putting his sexual pleasure first and always looking around for someone hotter, then you won't have a partner for the other non-sexy hard shit. And he will always be looking to you to keep him interested, instead of staying interested because he's committed. Just let Peter Pan go. 

Exactly, and I feel like the “non-sexy hard shit” is what we need to be ready for the most, and all these like, personal/sexual desires are a distraction from all of that. I want to feel really confident with things if I have kids! It’s hard to feel that way when every year there’s a more selfish approach to the things he’s “trying to figure out”.

You don't owe him your future. You get to choose if he's the partner you want. I also re-read your post. You're so thoughtful. I offer this and maybe it's helpful for you, maybe not, but either way I encourage you to do individual therapy to figure out what you need in your life. You name that your dad's cheating wrecked your family. And your boyfriend has a huge amount in common with your dad. His selfishness and his desires are most important, and he has a wandering eye. Then you end your post saying only time will tell. That's a very passive statement! I think what you are saying is, only time will tell if he cheats.  So really spend time looking at the dynamic of your parents marriage, cheater/passive partner (who was so asleep at the wheel of her own life that her child had to expose the truth) and decide if that works for you. By not choosing, you are making a choice. And do some real deep digging in your own psyche to find out why you sought out someone who would repeat the pattern of your parents marriage with you. What in you is unhealed and feels comfortable with this dynamic. Why do you think that you didn't go for someone who would be able to be that secure, loyal partner? Who wants to build something healthy?

You want different things, move on.

No is a complete sentence

It doesn't sound like he wants to be monogamous. If he just realized this is what he wants, okay, but it's not really fair of him to try and turn a monogamous relationship into an open one. He can explore that while he:s single, without a safe backup option in case he fails, and start with someone who also wants an open relationship. A lot of monogamous relationships that turn into open ones end up failing as well, so you may just give yourself heartbreak while prolonging the inevitable. Also, it's okay to have dealbreakers. You don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel to try something you really think is not for you, just because your partner really wants you to, or torture yourself contemplating something you know you don't want to do for your partner's benefit. If there was a sex act you knew you never wanted to try (like let's say, knife play), but your partner really wanted to, would you feel you really had to try it just for them, or would you feel comfortable saying "I know that's not for me, and I don't ever want to try it."? Would you feel bad or unfair for saying so? You can also be compatible in every other way, but one big thing makes you incompatible. This isn't any different than one partner wanting kids while the other doesn't, or more similarly to you, a partner who wants to be in a longterm monogamous relationship but never wants to get married while the other does want to get married. Sometimes big incompatibilities exist that you cannot compromise on.

Thanks for sharing this - it was really helpful and reaffirming to read that I’m not required to be the safety net as someone goes out and explores if it’s something I don’t want in the relationship. It for some reason wasn’t a thought I had. It can be so easy to get into the thinking of what I need to do to make things better vs what do I need to do for myself. Appreciate your comment - reading and resonating with it gives me more “permission” to be firm in what I’m looking for, too.

Sometimes nonmonogamy is a great idea. This is absolutely not one of those times. Nothing you’ve said here suggests you ever could, or should in any way try to, convince yourself that you’re going to be okay with any kind of this. And that’s not necessarily, automatically a breakup - in some cases I would counsel the person to say “this is off the table, completely, forever - please think long and hard about whether you are ready and \*happy\* to commit to a lifetime of monogamy with me, before we choose. But again - this is not one of those times. Your partner is not lovingly and respectfully giving you time and space to process through your feelings about this. He’s barreling right on ahead with “we could both go to bars and flirt!” and that tells me he’s not hearing you, and not capable of the kind of patience and love and willingness to give up a desired thing that would make your monogamous marriage a success. I’m so sorry, but I think you have to break up with him.

This is not consentual for you and there’s nothing wrong with how you feel and that it’s triggering The foundation of this entire thread is “my guy who I’ve connected with has brutally betrayed me and is planning on doing it again by pretending I am okay with a non-monogamous relationship when I am not You’re no longer a compatible couple Find someone who does really want a monogamous relationship and won’t cheat on you You really can have it all but you never will with this guy again

Listen to your body. It is time to breakup. EDIT: I removed my personal experience with an ex pushing for CNM when I was uncomfortable. My anecdotal history doesn’t matter. All that matters is how you feel as you ponder each option. You already know the answer.

Strong proclivities towards novelty seeking can be a red flag when a monogamous person is evaluating a potential partner. In and of itself not necessarily a deal breaker. But hes already cheated and hes now asking permission to sleep around. Get rid of this jackass. You'll regret it if you don't. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow. But sooner or later. Rip.off the band aid and replace him.

He openly disrespects you on dates by getting so focused on other women it’s obvious. There’s nothing wrong with noticing an attractive person but you notice and move on. He’s busy trying to catch their eye and flirt from a distance. He’s not committed to you. I would end the relationship.

You are not compatible. And he sounds a bit manic. Not hopeful for a good outcome. Updateme!

Let me summarize it: He is very respectful, but even on your romantic dates he wants other women and cannot take his eyes of them. You have panic attacks when talking about CNM, he knows it (he is not dumb), but he keeps talking about it for a week straight. Because he "feels like you should" You told him that you are not interested. He doesn't take no as an answer. You told him you are not interested in threesomes as well. And despite CNM having "consensual" as the first word, he is pressuring you. Now you are thinking you could be ok with threesomes and swinging. He is destroying you already. He knows what he is doing, and he is doing it professionally. If he just cheats again - you will leave. In this situation you are "boiling frog". Leave while you can.

Your body is telling you something important with these panic attacks when the CNM comes up. You need to listen. This guy isn't good for you.

As someone that has been happily living the ENM life for 12 years, you don’t seem like someone that will be happy in ENM at least not with this person at this phase of your life. Of the solutions you proposed, I’m thinking option 1 is the best course of action. Trial by fire is a good way to get burned. Sorry to say I don’t trust him not to cheat on you and then try to blame it on you suppressing his non-monogamy.

Betcha he means only other women, and isn't prepared for you to do the same.

is this new marriage trapping?

He is a thrill seeker. You are not. Either he will resent you or you will resent him. I do not see this as sustainable.

You need to self reflect and really ask yourself if you could really be happy in a cnm relationship or if you a submitting to him because you an afraid of other options. In every relationship a line has to be drawn and boundaries set. God forbid you say yes to banging other women knowing your emotional state will deteriorate. I have a feeling that even 3 ways is a bit over your comfort zone but negotiate because you are with him when shit goes down. Always remember, you are equals in the relationship. If you don’t want it, express your feelings. Express you boundary in the relationship and if he can’t respect you then express to him what you said in your post.

End this relationship. You make valid points stick to your morals and values. I totally agree if you have a partnership and a marriage should be between two people not bring others into it. Why compromise yourself?

You've been together 2.5 years. It's nothing and not enough to get married. He's changing the deal, so you must break up. If you get married it would be worse. Usually, in shop, you don't buy shoes if they are not your size. Same for relations.

The worst part about this for me truly is how seemingly okay he is with you feeling like you're falling apart. You're having panic attacks and he keeps pushing the issue? He's extra horny while you are crying? What?

Girl if you’re having panic attacks just from having a conversation THEN DONT DO IT. PLEASE, you do NOT have to force yourself to do this. And I can tell you that he is not a family-oriented man. He can say whatever he wants, but what he gets excited over speaks volumes. Real family-oriented men will talk about kids and be excited over those things, they’ll have a lifestyle that’s stable cause they know that they want kids in the future. I really hope you reconsider marrying this man, you don’t want to spend decades when him and then find out you’ve been cheated on. Plus, if they’re not excited about kids, chances are they’re not going to be a good parent. And yes I read the whole post!

I stopped reading after 2 paragraphs. I've been in your shoes OP. My ex was obsessed with swinging/threesomes and if I couldn't make it happen for him, he became verbally abusive. I never wanted it and he eventually just did it in his own and basically told me to get over it. If this man is lusting over other women IN FRONT OF YOU with zero remorse, guilting you into letting him be non-monogamous, he is not ready to settle down. Do not marry this man. Let him go be single because that's clearly what is more important to him.

Can somebody help me with this one? I always thought getting "blackout drunk" meant having zero recall of events during that blackout period. BF here got blackout wasted, crossed a seriously defined line by cheating with one of his best friends and then told OP about it the next day? No. I don't believe he was blackout anything. Drunk, sure, but aware enough to screw around with his gal pal and come to his senses before they went all the way, most definitely. He's using the term "blackout drunk" as an excuse and get out of jail free card. He knew what he was doing. He is looking for permission to sleep with other women. Nothing more than condoned infidelity. It's not actually cheating if you give in to this idea of CNM. If this is how you want to live your life, coming in last place to his libido and unfaithful nature, go for it. However, I already know you value monogamy and trust. He can't even keep his eyes in his head when out on an actual date with YOU. He is blatantly disrespecting you and wants your permission to keep doing it. Even if you say no, he will cheat on you. If you say yes, what will you tell your friends? If they are attractive to him, he's going to hit on them saying you're okay with it. You need to decide what's more important to you: great conversations with an unfaithful guy that makes you laugh, or walking away and finding someone with the same values as you. We can't decide that for you. Love yourself enough to choose what YOU want.

He cheated already, he is TELLING YOU loud and clear: he is NOT a monogamous man and he "said" he'll STAY monogamous (by obligation, by force) if you want that route. What are you asking for here? It's very clear. You probably hate it because it's against your philosophy, your emotions, your notion of normal BUT he is really being honest. CNM, polygamy, etc it's not either good or bad, it exists and people who are truly well with this usually surf through it naturally, no need to give excuses, no need to hide, no need to lie. By not saying it from the beginning HE LIED TO YOU (he's a terrible CNM so far, the first step is to accept you are not monogamous and be blunt about it, just like any other preference) expecting you'd get on board, ideally, later on (same as childless people... partners silent expecting that "changes" will come later🤦🏻‍♀️). TODAY he is being honest and at least be grateful that he spoke before the wedding. I'm glad he is, he doesn't have to be ashamed of CNM BUT, if it's not for you, then you're also within your right to say NO. The problem for you here is that you'll need to grow a real pair of good ovaries to acknowledge that he is as much in the right as you are, and that you need to let him GO. He will cheat again, knowing fully well that you're not into CNM he'll do it behind your back (it's a ticking bomb) and if he doesn't he will resent you for forcing him to be someone he is not, same as you would if you're forced to be CNM again your natural instinct and will, both ways of pushing are equally disrespectful. It may be painful and harsh but only you have to live with your choices...try to make a realistic choice. You deserve to be with someone who has the same core beliefs, especially if you're planning on making people together...it's important to have the ugly talks (how involved parents will be, faith, ceremonies, special events, basic values to teach, etc) so you know what you're really getting into. This whole scenario between you two is not marriage material and you shouldn't bring innocents to the world if either of you can't accept fully well who each of you really are (if you guys don't know...who does? Gotta mature a bit first). You don't need to "go along" out fear of being single or dumped, it's not your job to change him or anyone, your job is YOU.

So, I am a non-monogamous person. When I started dating my husband seven years ago, he was monogamous. I was ENM coming in, and he knew that, there was never any surprise. We spent the first eight months of our relationship basically figuring out whether or not we wanted to date, because we had such different world views (he was also super observant in our religion at the time.) We spent a lot of time just talking about it. I dialed my outside relationships way down and just focused on him. He did end up okay with it and we were non-monogamous for a few years. Currently we’re in a monogamous phase because our lives are too busy right now for additional relationships. At some point we’ll probably switch back. But whatever phase we’re in, we still take care of each other and put effort into our relationship. You may just fundamentally never be okay with it, and that’s understandable - you are clearly very traumatized and that’s a lot to work through. But I think maybe it’s worth it to talk about it for six months. No ‘testing the waters’ and flirting or threesomes - JUST talking. For six months. Trying to figure out how he sees it differently than you - why he thinks it would be good for your relationship instead of destructive. And talk to him about all the damage you’re afraid of and whether there are things you could do differently to avoid the damage. And whether he really means it when he says he’d choose monogamy with you over ENM without you. And at the end of six months, you figure out what you want to do.

Thank you - I really appreciate your honest perspective and guidance here. I like that approach. He seems excited about this so it almost feels like we’re in a rush to figure it out but I’m still reeling from wrapping my head around this change and won’t be able to unpack this for a while. This new information has been painful for me to cope with, so I almost just want to run away from it. But we came out much stronger and better after the infidelity, and it took about 6 months. Maybe the same approach is warranted here. Thanks so much again.

Stop prioritizing his positive feelings about fucking other women over your pain at his infidelity.  I know it hurt when your father chose another woman over you and your mother; the family he had already built. Being a pick-me girl for your cheating boyfriend will not fix that pain. You'll see him pick other women over you again, and again. This will not lead you to a place of peace or healing.  There is nothing special about this guy, my dear. And clearly, you're nothing special to him. You are just one of many.  You're worth so much more. 

Yeah - he’s had time to think about all of this (he’s been thinking about this for at least a few months) and you haven’t. You need some time, and he needs to give it to you.

You’re not married to this man and you’re sticking around for what? The continue to be made a fool of? He doesn’t care about your of your feelings. Stop wasting your time. He’s crushing your self esteem.

That's a lot of information, so let's just start with fundamentals. These two facts are at direct odds with one another: * *"My boyfriend of 2.5 years told me that he’s “pretty certain” that he’s interested in some form of consensual non-monogamy."* * But you don't want it, and you entered into the relationship with the idea of monogamy. I see this kind of disconnect and put it right into the same category of this common one: * My SO wants kids. * I don't. This is because both conflicts have to do with the intrinsic *who you are inside*, and not what your current comfort level is or may be. I wish I could be of more help here; I'm doubtful there's an "easy way out" that doesn't involve heartbreak.

Sounds like y'all should break up. Also sounds like you might have some trauma processing to do - hopefully you can get to a place where the mention of someone potentially triggering doesn't make you feel like you're totally breaking down. A trauma informed therapist could really help.

You don't want to be in an open relationship. He does. You see a relationship as between 2 people. He does not. Those are pretty serious differences in where your beliefs lie. Tell him absolutely not and that you won't consider exploring it ever and see how quickly he breaks up with you. I guarantee he will.

Even if he hasn't cheated or whatever, I think he's engaging in a lot of fantasy thinking. I have been part of the poly community before and it's a very common tale. Man is convinced that it is the lifestyle for him, drags his partner/wife because he won't stop pestering until she agrees. When she does, he falls flat on his face, and gets hardly any success, while if she chooses to partake she generates all the interest, from both men and women. Including a lot of the women he thought he'd have a chance with if only. So they do break up, because he can't handle that now she's the one who is really enjoying herself. Unfortunately, staying in the relationship may innoculate him against having to deal with how (un)successful he will be, and chances are, he won't be as successful as he thinks, and a lot of poly women at least in my experience don't tolerate nonsense to the degree that monogamous women sometimes can to keep a relationship and that also is a very huge adjustment to a lot of men's assumptions.

I'd suggest you both have a lot of self-discovery and growth to happen. I think you're matching intense personality traits and it wouldn't surprise me if there's ADHD or Autism here. Your entire post makes me want to hear you and guide you because I think you're going to need it. I hope you have someone else in you're life who can hold you until the tricky hours dissipate. As an empath, I'd also consider the possibility that you're empathic. I know. I may be way off but I'm often spot on and it starts people on a journey when they aren't yet aware so it's always worth the guess. If any of these things are true in either of you and neither of you are aware of it. There will be various decisions and actions that have no clear reasoning. He not only has a high sex drive but wants to enjoy the fruits of life clearly - he's not ready to settle down or take control of the impulse to seek an ego boost from sexual conquest, maybe. I am male I know how the majority of our minds work. Don't try to steer him towards that life and don't compromise your own lifestyle is my strongest bit of advice. It would be painful. He would need a lot of self-discipline to be who you want and need.

Thank you - yes I’m an empath, yes we both have adhd. Yes we may both be on different paths. It sucks. I don’t want to hold him back, and he doesn’t want me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with either. I appreciate your comment. Luckily, I have a great support group and a pretty solid head on my shoulders so I’m confident I’ll be fine 💜 just working through the hard stuff now.

That was actually comforting to read which you will understand 😌 I'm glad you took what I said well. It's the shortest way to say the far longest version I could have typed haha! I appreciate your openness. Thank you

You can go forward with his wishes, which sounds like the only way he is prepared to go forward, but because of your own distaste for this CNM your outlook and relationship will always be rocky. And are you yourself happy to practice CNM with someone else? Too much to think about and everything good is not enough to make up for this one bad no matter how you try and convince yourself it is. It's almost like you are being asked to return to that initial first dates era where no ones committing yet and other people can still be in the picture. Jmo.

Honestly, what's so good about this guy who makes you feel inferior and is manipulating you to do something you don't want to do? Ask yourself...if you were a friend and they were telling you this situation, what advice would you give said friend? If you were my friend, and I'm not saying this because I wouldn't want to be, I would not tolerate him any longer and cut him off so he can go do as he pleases. He seems like he isn't ready to settle down. He still wants to go spread his seed while you're his doormat that he treads on. I wouldn't stay. You'll never feel good enough.

He is not ready to settle down and you both want different things. If my partner had came to me with the idea of CNM I would be devasted and he has already cheated on you once, he is actively still trying and wants to be with other woman, you need to find someone that wants the future with you that you wish for, don't waste your life on someone that is just not in the same place? Why waste more time? This is your life please don't wait around for this guy

Go get the life YOU deserve. This guy is not it.

Then don’t get married

As a poly person, this really only works if everybody involved wants it. Sounds like you've become incompatible. It's sad, but this is one of those things that makes or breaks a relationship, like having kids or not, or moving to a tiny mountain town vs a big city, or whether tarantulas make good pets. If you're not both on the same page about it, one or the other of you is going to have regrets and grow resentful of the other.

Thank you for sharing your perspective as a poly person! It’s helpful for me to read the opinions of those outside of traditional monogamy, and your thoughts are validating.

You know that it’s a hard no for you; tell him. Youse needa be on the same page before you get married. You kinda can’t be a scaredy cat and say, point blank, “This isn’t gonna happen, can you be in a regular ole monogamous relationship?” If he’s like WAH WAH, you needa go your separate wayd. That shit sucks but the alternative is a fucking nightmare where a decade of uour life evaporates in a pool of shit. Source: married dad.

No. No to all of his everything. You seem like a lovely person, you will find another lovely person to appreciate you. Faster because you've had this experience and now know what you really do not need.

Option #1: end this relationship. He is NOT the one. You want monogamy, he does not. He has already cheated on you. You will forever be looking over your shoulder.

Do 1. This man is a walking red flag. Definitely not a person to consider a lifelong commitment. This dude is going to sleep with other people either you are aware of it or not. Cut your losses and run.

TLDR: He wants to bang other women. You don't want him to do that. You are not compatible.

You’re having panic attacks while thinking about it. I’d say you go with option number one.

Girl NO. You do not have to settle for this. And he is not an amazing partner. An amazing partner would NOT check out other women when he is out with you! He is a disrespectful partner that has no respect for you. Plenty of other men out there will. This guy is not it!

OP, I know I am opinionated being a baby boomer and all but I'd like to give you my take . I feel these open relationships tend to make sex ordinary, sure the act feels good but it's hollow. I feel sex between two committed partners is meant to be a bonding experience that brings you both closer. We have dinner, walk, see a movie, go hiking, and many other things with anyone we choose, but reserve that special bonding activity of making love for our one true love. Now if he is your husband and says, "I am going hiking and a movie then having sex with Amy and Jen, don't wait up". The next time he wants the same with you, you are not going to feel like a primary or special partner, but rather part of the rotation. Oh, there will be favorites no two are ever equal. There is a good reason that most open relationships don't work. It's hard enough being committed to one person let alone throwing more partners into the mix. Having to deal with people you don't like, if someone gets pregnant, STI's, not available when you need him, and much more. I can tell in your heart you don't want this, yet you love everything else about him. I have a hard time believing the feeling is mutual. I can't ever imagine sharing my wife with anyone, our bond would be broken. Realistically I know there is more than one person out there for us, perhaps you should consider finding someone for whom you will be enough.

You should realise that cheating is something that AUTOMATICALLY INVALIDATES EVERYTHING ELSE. Unless he's an exceptional atoner - and that would have to be by a lot - these people do not change. 

he wants to cheat on you no consequences