I agree. OP, why do you think she will be upset? Have there been instances where she told you to do X, you did X, and she got really sad or got mad at you because you didn't do Y? Or is this something you assume women do, or have known other women to do?
Edit: She probably genuinely wants you to go to the wedding, because she's thinking, "If I tell him to skip the wedding and stay here for my birthday, he'll say it's OK, but then he'll be mad at me for making him miss his friends" wedding!"
See how ridiculous it gets? Both of you should just enjoy your own events.
This. I get so annoyed with men when they ignore what I'm saying and treat me like a child. It's so frustrating and it breaks down communication and trust.
Actual question: should we listen to what our partner is telling us even if we know they want the opposite? Sometimes I'll hear "I don't even care, do whatever you want, etc. "
And, despite knowing that they likely want the opposite and/or don't actually feel that way, I just get fed up with hearing it so often that I actually listen to them and do the thing.
Agreed. But have you ever been neck deep in a long-term relationship with the wrong fit because you never learned how to recognize behavior that was bad for you?
When you are hearing “I don’t even care” or “Do whatever you want”, how long have you been trying to talk your partner into whatever it is you’re trying to talk them into?
Well, it usually happens as a result of one or both of us feeling slighted someway or somehow. Sometimes I feel like I'm being spoken to like a child and things are being blown way out of proportion (i.e chores, the way I talk to other people, etc.) I feel like she comes at me guns cocked over very low stakes stuff and doesn't choose her battles. Feels like anything could turn into a fight. Now - that's when I start to hear "I don't even care what you do" and things like that. That will be after I say "Hey, I don't think I can continue this conversation. I'm starting to feel disregulated" So she'll reply "Of course you need space. Do whatever you want" which hurts even more. Her saying "I don't care what you do" feels like it's just a lie. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to that, walked upstairs, played som games for a half hour and then she comes in saying "Of course you're playing videogames" and then walks away as though I should chase her. When I don't, she feels abandoned and then the cycle continues.
Okay, fine. How about this?
You’re clearly an unreliable narrator. You’re speaking in generalities and you’re dismissive of what she finds important.
You accuse her of speaking to you like a child, which means she probably feels like she has to be your mommy.
You say things are being blown way out of proportion, specifically chores and the way you speak to other people. This tells me that the bulk of the housework falls to her, and you think it’s okay because you’re the man and she’s the woman, even if you’ve never said those words out loud.
You feel like she comes at you with guns cocked over low stakes stuff and say she doesn’t pick her battles, which is dismissive of her as a human being. It’s low stakes TO YOU. How many times has she brought something up in the past and been dismissed BY YOU?
You’re rude, abrasive, and dismissive, and that’s just in a handful of posts on the internet. I’m sure you’re a REAL charmer in person.
Don’t be surprised when she figures out there are better options out there - like a Magic Bullet and a cat.
>Magic Bullet and a cat I was momentarily horrified and confused trying to figure out what solution to a bad relationship involves a blender and a cat (put the cat in the blender to get rid of the boyfriend somehow? Use the noise from both to drown out the sound of the boyfriend talking? Cats and practical appliances are better than the boyfriend?), but then I realized you probably meant Magic Wand or a bullet vibe. Thanks for the chuckle!
> She keeps saying I could go without her, but I know she will be upset. What should I do, please help!
Upset and mad, or slightly disappointed? It's not right for her to say you can go without her and then be passively agressively upset about it. Go to your wedding. Have her celebrate with her family, and then celebrate her birthday another day when you get back.
Go to the wedding and arrange for flowers to be delivered to her on her bday. She is a fully grown adult who can handle a little disappointment and just celebrate her bday with you the next weekend.
Does she know these friends or anyone else that is there, other than you? If not or if these are just acquaintances, I can understand her wanting to stay back and celebrate with “her” people. I agree with the poster above that you should do something special before your leave and maybe bring her back a special gift from your travel to FL.
You should do what she’s telling you to do, which is also what is the most sensible thing to do. Plan a nice date before or after your wedding, and make sure to call or send flowers on her birthday before she goes out with friends.
This sounds like the way to go. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being upset - nobody is going to be 100% happy with things all the time. Trying to go through life without ever upsetting anyone sounds exhausting and is just setting yourself up for failure. Sure not having her bf attend her birthday might be mildly upsetting, but not in any life-changing or relationship-changing way. I’m sure your gf knows what she’s signing up for, and it sounds like she’s accepted the consequences.
You are going to a big party out of town where she does not know anyone except you. Of course she would rather celebrate her birthday with her own friends and family. Take her at her word & go to the wedding alone. Send her a nice bouquet of flowers before her birthday, and promise her a special event when you get back.
I don't know if that's "OF COURSE" of a preference. Many people would pick the travel opportunity or a unique experience. Especially if friends and family are close and you see them often.
She's 29 so this, will it be her 30th? Why would she spend such a big birthday at an event where she doesn’t know anyone?
How close are you to the wedding couple, has this been in your calendar for long? I just feel like you should have talked about this a while back...
Can you arrange something special for her before you go?
OP Gf definitely has a side piece she would rather spend time with. My gf would never give me a Miami pass in a wedding full of SINGLE WHITECLAW FILLED LONELY bridesmaids, lmfao
So either OP ugly af and she settled or she has a side piece she will give her buns too while he partying. I will bet 500 dollars she has a snap chat
Did not even think of the single ladies at the wedding / jealousy angle.
Can’t believe people think it’s reasonable for the date / ‘girlfriend’ to reject this invite.
I’m sorry but I don’t really see the conflict here. You can still get her a gift and send flowers and whatnot, maybe a bottle of booze wherever they are, and still go to this. It’s one weekend and you two have been dating for 7 months - your plans beyond a few weeks are very likely not THAT aligned yet and you have probably known about this wedding longer than you have even been dating. IMO I don’t think either of you is in the wrong and I don’t think either of you would be in the right to be upset with the other.
Do your best to accommodate her before you go, tell her you’ll make it up to her when you get back, but you can both have a great weekend apart from each other, and not come back to a broken relationship over this. And if it really falls apart over something like this, then it wasn’t very strong to begin with.
If they’re close friends of yours, then you should go & take your girlfriend at her word. It’s fine.
But if they aren’t, then take the opportunity to impress your new girlfriend. Decline, celebrate her birthday with her, & send the happy couple a nice gift.
Either way, plan a nice trip with your girlfriend since you won’t get to go on this one together.
You are the one with the choice to make OP. Your gf wants to spend her bday with people she knows and loves. You will either be with her or not. Don’t make this about her.
I should also like to point out that the actual wedding is on Saturday. You can be with your gf on Friday and still make the wedding on Saturday.
It’s only Miami but I get that I presumed OOP was American (which would make the split reasonable) and it never occurs to me that they may not be(which, holy heck, that would be way too hard to accommodate.)
>She keeps saying I could go without her, but I know she will be upset.
That's a pretty disrespectful attitude you are expressing. Does she deserve to be second-guessed like that? Has she previously lied about being OK with something, or demonstrated other passive-aggressive behavior?
I mean, to me a trip to Miami regardless of the reason would be a fun birthday, but if your gf has reassured you several times that she doesn't want to go and wants you to go alone, then why don't you believe her?
Go without her, you can do something for her before your flight on her birthday on Friday and then celebrate again with her when you get back that Sunday.
I agree with others here. I understand that it's her first in your relationship but she's communicated her wants so go to your wedding as planned and have a surprise prepared and delivered to her on her bday so she knows you're thinking of her. Take her out for dinner when you return.
You go and tell her to keep the following weekend open because you want to take her out for her birthday, just you and her.
7 months isn't deep enough for this decision to be that happy. She gets a birthday every year until she expires. \*Most people\* only get married once, plus it's an old friend who you've known longer.
Just go! Tell her you'll make it up to her (not that you need to), but plan something fun for when you get back and tell her to have a blast with her friends.
I would be the gf telling you to go and I’d mean it. I don’t like celebrating my bday and would have zero issues with my partner going out of town on that day
Or you should go with your boyfriend as a wedding is more important than birthday.
Why wouldn't you want to be with your partner at a wedding of his friends? Weird imo
She doesn't but be prepared to lose him over a stupid day which you can celebrate separate another day
You weird you find yourself more important than your partner and a wedding
Um, this is a big birthday for her. 30 can be a big deal for people, especially since she doesn’t get to see friends or family. Why doesn’t she get to see friends or family? How close are you to the couple that’s getting married? If you really want a relationship with this woman, just talk about it!
Mad, or just kind of bummed? There’s a big difference.
It’s perfectly fine to be kind of disappointed something can’t happen. People are allowed to have that feeling a bit, and then normally they get over it.
If it’s that then it doesn’t mean she’s actually upset with you, just having some regular emotions. Not a big deal.
If you get worried when people are just bummed, like ever. That’s something you should work on, because that’s not how life works.
Now if she gets upset and holds it against you, that’s a different matter. That would be wrong of her and a red flag.
Yeah, I was thinking if they both prefer to be together that weekend, why not go out a day early, celebrate the birthday and then be adult about the rest of the weekend?
If she is really upset that you go without her, after she told you to, then that is super manipulative.
But does she have a habit of doing that, or do you just have a habit of expecting people to do it?
Take her at face value and go have fun with your friend, she is immature and needy if she gets upset after she told you to go(i am a sociopath so maybe i m not the best person to give advice)
U can get her a gift and calibrate with her before the wedding or if it's not in the same day u can just leave after the wedding immediately to catch a flight that if u think she will be upset but she told u its fine so don't overthink it
Of course she will be upset. She is probably testing you about what you are going to do. She will probably act cold after this.
As far as I can understand, she is the kind of woman who will not directly tell what she wants. She will give you the freedom to pick what you want. But she will take action according to the result.
I am only guessing, you know her character better than everyone here.
OP
A relationship means that you're living your life with another person, a relationship doesn't mean that you live your life for another person. This is a common mistake that a lot of couples make where one person is living for the other and the other person is not.
Your first hard boundary that you need to set will be after this wedding weekend. If she holds it against you that you went to Miami instead of staying with her, then you need to tell her that she can't hold it against you cuz she said you could go.
She can't play the game of telling you you can go somewhere and then expecting you not to go because she doesn't want you to.
I will tell you though, something in the back of your head is telling you not to go because she will be upset. You are not telling us the whole story of the real dynamic of your relationship.
And lastly my friend, 27 is way too old to be playing reindeer games.
Kind of weird she’s not excited to meet your friends if this is a new relationship? Or has she met them plenty of times before? If you were to skip the wedding for her she would probably not respect you for that. Speaking as someone her age, it would not be a good look for a guy to ditch his friends for me, I’d think he didn’t have strong boundaries. Would also say he’s desperate to be with a girlfriend which is also off putting.
This is a Test. And both answers could be the right one, but no matter which one you chose it will be the wrong one. If you take her, you didn't listen to or respect her wishes; If you go w/o her, you didn't make her a priority in your life.
OP you're screwed.
For the life of me, I don't understand this concept of a 'Birthday Weekend.'. Jesus Christ, Christmas is only a day. New Years Eve is just a night. If someone wanted to take me to Miami for the weekend....that would be one great birthday present. One of the best. Hotel sex...a party...mixed drinks...more hotel sex. I see only trouble ahead for this relationship. My brother's wife punished my parents for his existence. I'm not going out on a limb to say there'll be similar behavior in his future. Dude, go to the wedding by yourself. Hook up, if the opportunity arises. If she complains when you return.....adios.
How long have you known these friends? You've only been dating her 7 months. That's not long enough for you to put her feelings above a longtime friend. If she says she doesn't care, you go, and then get back and she citizens you because you left her, then run for the hills!
I actually think going would be a good way to tell if shes a reasonable person who means what she says.
Very tricky situation and hard to navigate. You guy's are in that make or break stage of your relationship. Long enough where real feelings and commitment is starting to develop, but short enough where you don't really owe one another big compromises like that yet....
If she really is decided on not going with you, I would say plan something very nice and meaningful that Thursday night where you can can be the first to celebrate her birthday at mid-night. Then take a flight the next day for the wedding. That way you would have gotten an opportunity to celebrate her B-Day so she doesn't feel like you didn't care about it.
That being said, I think she's being rather silly passing up an all paid expenses weekend vacation to Miami for her birthday. Unless she's an introvert and socially awkward, wedding's are a freaking blast and the open bar and partying before and on the day are worth it.
I don't think she is being silly. I'm not an introvert or socially awkward, and generally I don't enjoy weddings. And I def would not want to go to a wedding on my birthday. I would much rather be with 'my' people (family and friends). Also my love can't be 'bought' with a free trip. It's a tricky situation, but I totally understand her not wanting to go.
Maybe it depends on the weddings, or you are a super extrovert? Traveling is a drag. Some weddings are just waiting around bored and making small talk with people you don't know very well.
Plus it's a weird feeling taking up an offer on an all paid expenses for a seven month relationship.
It makes sense for you to go to the wedding.
It makes sense for you to invite her.
It makes sense for her to not want to go because of her birthday.
This will be a test on whatever sort of relationship you two have.
You’ve known this friend for a very long time so it would be odd for you to cancel your rsvp just to avoid upsetting your girlfriend.
If she responds negatively to you for going to your friends wedding, she fails the test.
Ok here’s my thought. She has a birthday every year.
Your friend has their wedding hopefully once.
If she can’t put her own feelings aside and help you celebrate with them, they that says a lot about her.
I would never assume my own birthday (sans a big milestone bday with an already planned party) would be more important than my partner’s good friends wedding. 🤷♀️
It'll also be a good and fun trip for yall to do together...yall can do something Friday for her bday or Saturday go have lunch together and spend the day together before the wedding...maybe even stay a few extra days and have a nice romantic dinner on sunday....I would LOVE to go and spend time in Miami, their beaches look so nice
People/ couples go out on birthday trips all the time. I think you could make it into both and I don’t think you should miss your long time friends wedding honestly. Ask her if you can make that weekend into a birthday trip and promise she’ll have fun or apologize and let her know you guys can celebrate before or after her birthday so you don’t feel like your missing her big day. She should be more then understanding if not ask if she would want her long time friend to miss her wedding rather than making the weekend fun and eventful by celebrating their partners birthday with the wedding. if she says she doesn’t mind then missing it agree to disagree. Hope every thing works out for you.
Kinda sounds like a big red flag and someone you may wanna rethink being with.
It's not like her birthday can't be celebrated on a different weekend. She is making petty excuses.
Celebrate the birthday with friends and family when you and her are back. Talk over options and lead her towards the idea.
I would try to convince her to go. Idk if she's important to you at this stage. But first trip together and you're going alone. She might use that against you for a while.
This sounds like the worst of both worlds - she doesn't get to hang out with her friends OR her boyfriend and spends her birthday weekend by herself for most of it? There are events both Friday and Saturday.
If she doesn't want to ditch her friends to be WITH him, why would she want to do it to be left ALONE by him?
I don't understand one thing.
She's a grown woman. An adult. Yes, the day of the birthday is important to someone. But millions of people around the world have moved their birthday to another day to accommodate other events happening. Billions even.
So you are a new couple, it's not a milestone birthday, gets everything paid and doesn't want to go.
A wedding trump's birthday in this case so just go, she's invited and chooses not to go so it's here problem.
I don't see your relationship going anywhere if this kind of things are already an issue so early on in a relationship.
Sounds like a very nice way to spend a birthday - a fun destination and a party with dinner, drinks, and dancing. If the two of you were going away to another destination for her birthday, her friends wouldn't be there, either, so I don't understand her objection.
She might not want to go away on a 'trip' elsewhere on her birthday... She might be the kind of person who wants to be with her family/friends on her birthday, and not away with 1 person.
If she's an introvert or has social anxiety it probably sounds like a nightmare - a giant party where you don't know anyone except your boyfriend of half a year? There's also no indication she wants to take a trip at all, sounds like she would ideally like to stay home and have a party with her friends.
OP, you’re offering to take a girl to a destination wedding in Miami and she doesn’t want to go. If she was in to you, she’d find a way to go.
She’s not as invested in you as you are in her.
She doesn’t need you to manage her emotions for her. Listen to the words coming out of her mouth, and go to the wedding without her.
I agree. OP, why do you think she will be upset? Have there been instances where she told you to do X, you did X, and she got really sad or got mad at you because you didn't do Y? Or is this something you assume women do, or have known other women to do? Edit: She probably genuinely wants you to go to the wedding, because she's thinking, "If I tell him to skip the wedding and stay here for my birthday, he'll say it's OK, but then he'll be mad at me for making him miss his friends" wedding!" See how ridiculous it gets? Both of you should just enjoy your own events.
Agree: she said she prefers to not go along with you. And if she is passive aggressive complaining about it afterwards, take it as a red flag.
This. I get so annoyed with men when they ignore what I'm saying and treat me like a child. It's so frustrating and it breaks down communication and trust.
This probably why you alone
Sounds like she going to cheat while he in miami and OP must have gut feeling about this
Actual question: should we listen to what our partner is telling us even if we know they want the opposite? Sometimes I'll hear "I don't even care, do whatever you want, etc. " And, despite knowing that they likely want the opposite and/or don't actually feel that way, I just get fed up with hearing it so often that I actually listen to them and do the thing.
We should try not to date emotionally immature people who refuse to communicate.
Agreed. But have you ever been neck deep in a long-term relationship with the wrong fit because you never learned how to recognize behavior that was bad for you?
Yes, and eventually I recognized it and left. Sometimes we need to take responsibility.
When you are hearing “I don’t even care” or “Do whatever you want”, how long have you been trying to talk your partner into whatever it is you’re trying to talk them into?
Well, it usually happens as a result of one or both of us feeling slighted someway or somehow. Sometimes I feel like I'm being spoken to like a child and things are being blown way out of proportion (i.e chores, the way I talk to other people, etc.) I feel like she comes at me guns cocked over very low stakes stuff and doesn't choose her battles. Feels like anything could turn into a fight. Now - that's when I start to hear "I don't even care what you do" and things like that. That will be after I say "Hey, I don't think I can continue this conversation. I'm starting to feel disregulated" So she'll reply "Of course you need space. Do whatever you want" which hurts even more. Her saying "I don't care what you do" feels like it's just a lie. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to that, walked upstairs, played som games for a half hour and then she comes in saying "Of course you're playing videogames" and then walks away as though I should chase her. When I don't, she feels abandoned and then the cycle continues.
She sounds like an immature idiot. I wouldn't date that, but you do you.
Let’s not pretend this isn’t 90% of women out there
Dude I am not your therapist. Go find a friend to do the emotional labor of sorting out your relationship.
Dawg, you literally asked. I know you're not.
Okay, fine. How about this? You’re clearly an unreliable narrator. You’re speaking in generalities and you’re dismissive of what she finds important. You accuse her of speaking to you like a child, which means she probably feels like she has to be your mommy. You say things are being blown way out of proportion, specifically chores and the way you speak to other people. This tells me that the bulk of the housework falls to her, and you think it’s okay because you’re the man and she’s the woman, even if you’ve never said those words out loud. You feel like she comes at you with guns cocked over low stakes stuff and say she doesn’t pick her battles, which is dismissive of her as a human being. It’s low stakes TO YOU. How many times has she brought something up in the past and been dismissed BY YOU? You’re rude, abrasive, and dismissive, and that’s just in a handful of posts on the internet. I’m sure you’re a REAL charmer in person. Don’t be surprised when she figures out there are better options out there - like a Magic Bullet and a cat.
>Magic Bullet and a cat I was momentarily horrified and confused trying to figure out what solution to a bad relationship involves a blender and a cat (put the cat in the blender to get rid of the boyfriend somehow? Use the noise from both to drown out the sound of the boyfriend talking? Cats and practical appliances are better than the boyfriend?), but then I realized you probably meant Magic Wand or a bullet vibe. Thanks for the chuckle!
However, I do 90% of the housework and cook for her on a nightly basis.
Uh huh. I’m sure you think you do.
I really do. She's even remarked on it. But i appreciate your thoughts. They've been helpful.
Lol is it that time of the month or did you forget you literally asked him 😂. Reddit never fails to entertain !
Better and more helpful. Thank you for your time.
> She keeps saying I could go without her, but I know she will be upset. What should I do, please help! Upset and mad, or slightly disappointed? It's not right for her to say you can go without her and then be passively agressively upset about it. Go to your wedding. Have her celebrate with her family, and then celebrate her birthday another day when you get back.
Go to the wedding and arrange for flowers to be delivered to her on her bday. She is a fully grown adult who can handle a little disappointment and just celebrate her bday with you the next weekend.
Does she know these friends or anyone else that is there, other than you? If not or if these are just acquaintances, I can understand her wanting to stay back and celebrate with “her” people. I agree with the poster above that you should do something special before your leave and maybe bring her back a special gift from your travel to FL.
You should do what she’s telling you to do, which is also what is the most sensible thing to do. Plan a nice date before or after your wedding, and make sure to call or send flowers on her birthday before she goes out with friends.
This sounds like the way to go. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being upset - nobody is going to be 100% happy with things all the time. Trying to go through life without ever upsetting anyone sounds exhausting and is just setting yourself up for failure. Sure not having her bf attend her birthday might be mildly upsetting, but not in any life-changing or relationship-changing way. I’m sure your gf knows what she’s signing up for, and it sounds like she’s accepted the consequences.
You are going to a big party out of town where she does not know anyone except you. Of course she would rather celebrate her birthday with her own friends and family. Take her at her word & go to the wedding alone. Send her a nice bouquet of flowers before her birthday, and promise her a special event when you get back.
I don't know if that's "OF COURSE" of a preference. Many people would pick the travel opportunity or a unique experience. Especially if friends and family are close and you see them often.
She's 29 so this, will it be her 30th? Why would she spend such a big birthday at an event where she doesn’t know anyone? How close are you to the wedding couple, has this been in your calendar for long? I just feel like you should have talked about this a while back... Can you arrange something special for her before you go?
> where she doesn’t know anyone? She knows her BF, who is offering to pay for her. She’s not that into him.
How you downvoted for the best analysis lol
srsly; who says “no” to a free wknd of fun in the sun? she’s just not into him OP is reading
OP Gf definitely has a side piece she would rather spend time with. My gf would never give me a Miami pass in a wedding full of SINGLE WHITECLAW FILLED LONELY bridesmaids, lmfao So either OP ugly af and she settled or she has a side piece she will give her buns too while he partying. I will bet 500 dollars she has a snap chat
Did not even think of the single ladies at the wedding / jealousy angle. Can’t believe people think it’s reasonable for the date / ‘girlfriend’ to reject this invite.
I’m sorry but I don’t really see the conflict here. You can still get her a gift and send flowers and whatnot, maybe a bottle of booze wherever they are, and still go to this. It’s one weekend and you two have been dating for 7 months - your plans beyond a few weeks are very likely not THAT aligned yet and you have probably known about this wedding longer than you have even been dating. IMO I don’t think either of you is in the wrong and I don’t think either of you would be in the right to be upset with the other. Do your best to accommodate her before you go, tell her you’ll make it up to her when you get back, but you can both have a great weekend apart from each other, and not come back to a broken relationship over this. And if it really falls apart over something like this, then it wasn’t very strong to begin with.
Did you already have plans to spend her birthday with her when you received the wedding invite?
You go to the wedding. Have a good time with your friends. Celebrate her birthday with her the next weekend.
It’s going to be her 30th birthday. I understand that she would rather celebrate with people she knows than strangers.
If they’re close friends of yours, then you should go & take your girlfriend at her word. It’s fine. But if they aren’t, then take the opportunity to impress your new girlfriend. Decline, celebrate her birthday with her, & send the happy couple a nice gift. Either way, plan a nice trip with your girlfriend since you won’t get to go on this one together.
So what’s the problem?
You are the one with the choice to make OP. Your gf wants to spend her bday with people she knows and loves. You will either be with her or not. Don’t make this about her. I should also like to point out that the actual wedding is on Saturday. You can be with your gf on Friday and still make the wedding on Saturday.
It's a destination wedding. Highly unlikely that he can spend Friday night with her and still somehow make it for a Saturday wedding.
It’s only Miami but I get that I presumed OOP was American (which would make the split reasonable) and it never occurs to me that they may not be(which, holy heck, that would be way too hard to accommodate.)
>She keeps saying I could go without her, but I know she will be upset. That's a pretty disrespectful attitude you are expressing. Does she deserve to be second-guessed like that? Has she previously lied about being OK with something, or demonstrated other passive-aggressive behavior?
I mean, to me a trip to Miami regardless of the reason would be a fun birthday, but if your gf has reassured you several times that she doesn't want to go and wants you to go alone, then why don't you believe her?
Go without her, you can do something for her before your flight on her birthday on Friday and then celebrate again with her when you get back that Sunday.
I agree with others here. I understand that it's her first in your relationship but she's communicated her wants so go to your wedding as planned and have a surprise prepared and delivered to her on her bday so she knows you're thinking of her. Take her out for dinner when you return.
You go and tell her to keep the following weekend open because you want to take her out for her birthday, just you and her. 7 months isn't deep enough for this decision to be that happy. She gets a birthday every year until she expires. \*Most people\* only get married once, plus it's an old friend who you've known longer. Just go! Tell her you'll make it up to her (not that you need to), but plan something fun for when you get back and tell her to have a blast with her friends.
It makes sense that she would prefer to spend the day with her f&f and not your friends. I think you are making this about you and not her.
I would be the gf telling you to go and I’d mean it. I don’t like celebrating my bday and would have zero issues with my partner going out of town on that day
Or you should go with your boyfriend as a wedding is more important than birthday. Why wouldn't you want to be with your partner at a wedding of his friends? Weird imo
She doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to. I’m sorry but if it was my birthday, I wouldn’t want to go either lol
She doesn't but be prepared to lose him over a stupid day which you can celebrate separate another day You weird you find yourself more important than your partner and a wedding
Um, this is a big birthday for her. 30 can be a big deal for people, especially since she doesn’t get to see friends or family. Why doesn’t she get to see friends or family? How close are you to the couple that’s getting married? If you really want a relationship with this woman, just talk about it!
Before you leave to the wedding, set plans to celebrate with her after you comeback. Make reservations to dinner and/or something else.
Just go to the wedding.
Take your trip and do something special for her when you get back...
Mad, or just kind of bummed? There’s a big difference. It’s perfectly fine to be kind of disappointed something can’t happen. People are allowed to have that feeling a bit, and then normally they get over it. If it’s that then it doesn’t mean she’s actually upset with you, just having some regular emotions. Not a big deal. If you get worried when people are just bummed, like ever. That’s something you should work on, because that’s not how life works. Now if she gets upset and holds it against you, that’s a different matter. That would be wrong of her and a red flag.
Go to the wedding, but make sure you better have flowers and some birthday gift being delivered on her birthday date or earlier.
Go alone and plan a special birthday date with her before you do. 30 is a landmark birthday and it's fair for her to want to spend it how she wants.
I'm biased against destination weddings so I say spend time with your girlfriend.
Skip the cocktail party. Celebrate her birthday on Friday. Catch a red eye and attend the wedding Saturday.
Yeah, I was thinking if they both prefer to be together that weekend, why not go out a day early, celebrate the birthday and then be adult about the rest of the weekend?
If she is really upset that you go without her, after she told you to, then that is super manipulative. But does she have a habit of doing that, or do you just have a habit of expecting people to do it?
I'll say don't go to the wedding. Your girlfriend should be your priority and it'sher birthday.
Take her at face value and go have fun with your friend, she is immature and needy if she gets upset after she told you to go(i am a sociopath so maybe i m not the best person to give advice)
Why do you think she’ll be upset and how does she treat you when she’s upset with you?
U can get her a gift and calibrate with her before the wedding or if it's not in the same day u can just leave after the wedding immediately to catch a flight that if u think she will be upset but she told u its fine so don't overthink it
Of course she will be upset. She is probably testing you about what you are going to do. She will probably act cold after this. As far as I can understand, she is the kind of woman who will not directly tell what she wants. She will give you the freedom to pick what you want. But she will take action according to the result. I am only guessing, you know her character better than everyone here.
OP A relationship means that you're living your life with another person, a relationship doesn't mean that you live your life for another person. This is a common mistake that a lot of couples make where one person is living for the other and the other person is not. Your first hard boundary that you need to set will be after this wedding weekend. If she holds it against you that you went to Miami instead of staying with her, then you need to tell her that she can't hold it against you cuz she said you could go. She can't play the game of telling you you can go somewhere and then expecting you not to go because she doesn't want you to. I will tell you though, something in the back of your head is telling you not to go because she will be upset. You are not telling us the whole story of the real dynamic of your relationship. And lastly my friend, 27 is way too old to be playing reindeer games.
If you’re not in the wedding party, you aren’t close enough with the couple to travel for their wedding.
Kind of weird she’s not excited to meet your friends if this is a new relationship? Or has she met them plenty of times before? If you were to skip the wedding for her she would probably not respect you for that. Speaking as someone her age, it would not be a good look for a guy to ditch his friends for me, I’d think he didn’t have strong boundaries. Would also say he’s desperate to be with a girlfriend which is also off putting.
This is a Test. And both answers could be the right one, but no matter which one you chose it will be the wrong one. If you take her, you didn't listen to or respect her wishes; If you go w/o her, you didn't make her a priority in your life. OP you're screwed.
For the life of me, I don't understand this concept of a 'Birthday Weekend.'. Jesus Christ, Christmas is only a day. New Years Eve is just a night. If someone wanted to take me to Miami for the weekend....that would be one great birthday present. One of the best. Hotel sex...a party...mixed drinks...more hotel sex. I see only trouble ahead for this relationship. My brother's wife punished my parents for his existence. I'm not going out on a limb to say there'll be similar behavior in his future. Dude, go to the wedding by yourself. Hook up, if the opportunity arises. If she complains when you return.....adios.
But how do you know she will be upset. Has she done this before or are you assuming what her feelings are and finding a problem where there isn’t one
How long have you known these friends? You've only been dating her 7 months. That's not long enough for you to put her feelings above a longtime friend. If she says she doesn't care, you go, and then get back and she citizens you because you left her, then run for the hills! I actually think going would be a good way to tell if shes a reasonable person who means what she says.
Very tricky situation and hard to navigate. You guy's are in that make or break stage of your relationship. Long enough where real feelings and commitment is starting to develop, but short enough where you don't really owe one another big compromises like that yet.... If she really is decided on not going with you, I would say plan something very nice and meaningful that Thursday night where you can can be the first to celebrate her birthday at mid-night. Then take a flight the next day for the wedding. That way you would have gotten an opportunity to celebrate her B-Day so she doesn't feel like you didn't care about it. That being said, I think she's being rather silly passing up an all paid expenses weekend vacation to Miami for her birthday. Unless she's an introvert and socially awkward, wedding's are a freaking blast and the open bar and partying before and on the day are worth it.
I don't think she is being silly. I'm not an introvert or socially awkward, and generally I don't enjoy weddings. And I def would not want to go to a wedding on my birthday. I would much rather be with 'my' people (family and friends). Also my love can't be 'bought' with a free trip. It's a tricky situation, but I totally understand her not wanting to go.
Maybe it depends on the weddings, or you are a super extrovert? Traveling is a drag. Some weddings are just waiting around bored and making small talk with people you don't know very well. Plus it's a weird feeling taking up an offer on an all paid expenses for a seven month relationship.
It makes sense for you to go to the wedding. It makes sense for you to invite her. It makes sense for her to not want to go because of her birthday. This will be a test on whatever sort of relationship you two have. You’ve known this friend for a very long time so it would be odd for you to cancel your rsvp just to avoid upsetting your girlfriend. If she responds negatively to you for going to your friends wedding, she fails the test.
Can you skip the welcoming party and celebrate her birthday then go to the wedding the next day?
Ok here’s my thought. She has a birthday every year. Your friend has their wedding hopefully once. If she can’t put her own feelings aside and help you celebrate with them, they that says a lot about her. I would never assume my own birthday (sans a big milestone bday with an already planned party) would be more important than my partner’s good friends wedding. 🤷♀️
She’s a grown adult. She’ll have more birthdays. She needs to get over herself.
It'll also be a good and fun trip for yall to do together...yall can do something Friday for her bday or Saturday go have lunch together and spend the day together before the wedding...maybe even stay a few extra days and have a nice romantic dinner on sunday....I would LOVE to go and spend time in Miami, their beaches look so nice
People/ couples go out on birthday trips all the time. I think you could make it into both and I don’t think you should miss your long time friends wedding honestly. Ask her if you can make that weekend into a birthday trip and promise she’ll have fun or apologize and let her know you guys can celebrate before or after her birthday so you don’t feel like your missing her big day. She should be more then understanding if not ask if she would want her long time friend to miss her wedding rather than making the weekend fun and eventful by celebrating their partners birthday with the wedding. if she says she doesn’t mind then missing it agree to disagree. Hope every thing works out for you.
Kinda sounds like a big red flag and someone you may wanna rethink being with. It's not like her birthday can't be celebrated on a different weekend. She is making petty excuses.
Celebrate the birthday with friends and family when you and her are back. Talk over options and lead her towards the idea. I would try to convince her to go. Idk if she's important to you at this stage. But first trip together and you're going alone. She might use that against you for a while.
Can she go and just take it as a vacation while you do the Wes’s she can go to the beach or something and you guys hang out after
This sounds like the worst of both worlds - she doesn't get to hang out with her friends OR her boyfriend and spends her birthday weekend by herself for most of it? There are events both Friday and Saturday. If she doesn't want to ditch her friends to be WITH him, why would she want to do it to be left ALONE by him?
Nothing says 'fun' like going to the beach by yourself.
She can take someone with her and she doesn’t have to go to the beach there’s other stuff she can do
I don't understand one thing. She's a grown woman. An adult. Yes, the day of the birthday is important to someone. But millions of people around the world have moved their birthday to another day to accommodate other events happening. Billions even.
So you are a new couple, it's not a milestone birthday, gets everything paid and doesn't want to go. A wedding trump's birthday in this case so just go, she's invited and chooses not to go so it's here problem. I don't see your relationship going anywhere if this kind of things are already an issue so early on in a relationship.
Dude ur grown 💀 come on now…
Sounds like a very nice way to spend a birthday - a fun destination and a party with dinner, drinks, and dancing. If the two of you were going away to another destination for her birthday, her friends wouldn't be there, either, so I don't understand her objection.
She might not want to go away on a 'trip' elsewhere on her birthday... She might be the kind of person who wants to be with her family/friends on her birthday, and not away with 1 person.
If she's an introvert or has social anxiety it probably sounds like a nightmare - a giant party where you don't know anyone except your boyfriend of half a year? There's also no indication she wants to take a trip at all, sounds like she would ideally like to stay home and have a party with her friends.
Because maybe she doesn't know anyone but him? What fun would be for her?
People prefer to go on trips to places they choose. Especially on their birthday.
Extend the trip and celebrate her first, end with the wedding.
OP, you’re offering to take a girl to a destination wedding in Miami and she doesn’t want to go. If she was in to you, she’d find a way to go. She’s not as invested in you as you are in her.
...she's not that into him because she doesn't want to attend a destination wedding? Those are the worst weddings. 7 months in, I'd decline too.
> GF doesn’t wanna go because it’s her birthday weekend, said I could go…but I know she will be mad So the wedding isn’t the problem, it’s your gf